Soder - 47: The Amish will Save America with J.P. McDade | Soder Podcast | EP46

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

FÜM has served over 300,000 customers, and you can be the next success story. For a limited time, use my code soder to get a free gift with your Journey Pack! Head to tryfum.com - that’s TRYFUM.com... and use code soder or scan the QR code on-screen (if relevant) to get a free gift with your order today. Description link https://www.tryfum.com/soder Follow J.P. McDade  @jpmcdadecomedy https://www.instagram.com/mcdadebaby/reels/ Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Oct 10 - 12 - Houston, TX Oct 17- 19 Salt Lake City Nov 8 - NYC Town Hall Nov 9 - Toronto, Canada Nov 14 -16 - Tampa,FL Nov 21 - 23 Homestead,PA Dec 6 - Chicago, IL Dec 7 - Milwaukee, WI DEC 12 - 14 Sacramento,CA PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Ah yes, hey everybody, I am on the road per usual. Houston, Texas. I will be at the Improv, the 10th through the 12th, doing 5 shows. And then Salt Lake City, October 17th through the 19th. And the big one, November 8th, Town Hall, New York Comedy Festival, 9 get tickets and Toronto we added a second show on November 9th Dan Soder.com for tickets we'll see you there. Do you see the sex robots in China? No but I'm excited. They unveiled them? Here let me show you. We've been like joking around about it for a while. Sex robots, sex robots, and China's like,
Starting point is 00:00:46 yeah, yeah, yeah, we're making them. They're like, we're setting aside hundreds of billions. Dude, they are making them, where is it? They have human bodies. Is that AI, or is that real? No, that's real. This was at a conference. Oil London, yeah, this is, I don't know who the thing is,
Starting point is 00:01:05 but it's not loading, which makes me think they're like. Yeah, they jammed up the servers. But they like walk, they like walk in, they like walk like Terminators, but they have like hot anime faces. Who's gonna be the first guy to be like, dude, I know her body's made of steel, but I'm fucking it. It's already happened.
Starting point is 00:01:22 Yeah. Yeah. Dude, blowing your load with a sex robot and then you're done and you're like, so. Do you still feel shame? Yeah, I think you feel more shame. I would be surprised if you feel the most shame blowing your load. You still feel the mortifying ordeal of being perceived,
Starting point is 00:01:39 but it's like she's. You're pathetic. That's all you lasted for. You make excuses to the robot. Okay. There it is. It's playing. Yeah. See him walk. Yeah. She's kind of got a Megan, the stallion walk here. She's like, she's really, but dude, look at that.
Starting point is 00:01:54 Slutting it up. I mean, it's work toast. We're so done. We're done. How does no one, I always feel like my podcast. So we had a rule about podcasts where it changed from no stand up and I bought a cattle prod. But then I found out that cattle prod, if you hit a human with it, it'll give them a heart attack. So we're, we're, we're still going to find them. We still have to do that. I still,
Starting point is 00:02:16 this, this weekend in Charlotte, I'm going to find a sensible prod because anytime standups brought up, like one of those dog collars, that'll probably do it. Dude, welcome to the dog house. I'll actually get it. Ah, ah, ah. But any time, we've been talking about this for months, any time I talk about stand-up or the business,
Starting point is 00:02:38 pimp's gonna zap me. And so I'll be like. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk me a gargantuan. You go, no, Thursday show. It's just like little white crowds there. Fucking horrible. You do that thing with like the chess players, how they cheated with like the anal, the vibrating anal beads. Just press a button.
Starting point is 00:02:53 You just see me and I go like, oh. But then you start to like it. But then I like it, yeah, so then I go, dude, have you ever seen the movie Comedian? Oh, it just like really breaks down. I was thinking about a time I got passed over for a festival. Yeah, I thought I was going to get new faces, but I didn't.
Starting point is 00:03:11 And my friend got it over me and I love him to death, but I still feel bad. Oh, dude. When Conan passed over me. But I feel like I'm starting to get that way with robots. Like, I'm going to start getting shocked because I talk about robots too much. Because it's happening.
Starting point is 00:03:25 It's like actively happening. You give yourself parameters. You give yourself four minutes out of every podcast and talk about robots. Welcome to, welcome to robot corner. You start talking like an auctioneer. Yeah. Just really.
Starting point is 00:03:38 There's a kind of the neural programming, the neural link. Yeah. I think it's, I just think it's like no one is, I don't, I hate to Neuralink, yeah. I think it's, I just think it's like no one, I hate to be chicken little, but I just feel like no one is actively going like, guys. Well, cause here's the thing,
Starting point is 00:03:52 technology doesn't improve on a linear path, it goes like a J curve. It gets way better, way faster than we were ready for. So we're gonna be lining up with like AI and quantum computing and like. And like, and now here's the thing, um, companies and politicians got too good at marketing. Like marketing used to be reserved for like chips and soda, where you'd be like, Oh, that's a good commercial. I like that. And now politicians and robots are like,
Starting point is 00:04:22 now we got them. Like the amount of AI commercials where they're like don't write a paper have some of them do it and you're like what is this and they're like AI generative brain you're like this is scary as shit. It all leads to just AI Kamala Harris sucking us off. Yeah dude that's my favorite thing. It's the singularity. You know when there's a human behind it when it's just oh, Kamala Harris with huge jugs. Or they did the one with Kamala and Trump loving each other. Yeah. And then having the baby, and you're like,
Starting point is 00:04:52 I'm cool if you capped AI right here. That would be fun. Draw the line right here. Just like silly things. We're probably fine. We'll be great. But then it's like going to decide where we all live. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:03 Where it's like, you have tested out of the regular sector. You are now- You belong in Dayton. You live in Boston. And you're like, well, okay, I can take that. It's not bad. It is causing a child's more trouble. I mean, dude.
Starting point is 00:05:16 Damn. For those of you who couldn't hear my point. Because all the robots are only like a year old. Yeah. And that's why the robots are like, they're our age, this is cool. We are technically children. Technically, I can jerk off the kids because I am only three years.
Starting point is 00:05:31 I have only been sentient for three years. But I cannot consent. Yeah, pedophiles probably just sit around waiting to look for loopholes. Oh yeah. You know what it is? That's like diet coke for pedophiles. Diet coke came out and fat people were like, but it's diet porn zero. Pedophiles were like, what AI porn isn't, there's no kids being heard.
Starting point is 00:05:54 Same great taste. Yeah. But honestly, I think if you were to ask a kid, like if a kid was about to get molested, but they're like, now, if you show him AI porn, he won't. The real kid would be like, show him the porn. I'll make it. What do you want? Why is this a question?
Starting point is 00:06:11 What do you want me in? A lacy little thing? I'll fucking make it. I'll learn programming. I'll help. That's going to be the thing. Dangerous. It's no longer stranger danger.
Starting point is 00:06:19 It's learn how to program. Yeah. When a guy goes, Hey, you want to go to my van? And this kid goes, what if I show you a video on my phone? And the guy goes, I'll do that. Yeah, that sounds good. Take the deal. That's the new dealer. No deal. He goes, I've got a suitcase with a bunch of baseball cards in it or this guy molests
Starting point is 00:06:37 you. Yeah, it's, you're going to have to throw in a better package, man. The AI it's going to trick me and you like you're gonna get old Yeah, I'm right at the line right now where like I feel like I'm not getting I feel like I can identify it pretty much Every time but it's closing in can I tell you something? Yeah, can I tell you something audience? Can you tell you something? I got got oh I got caught I'm here to say I think maybe I've already been gotten I don't know I got got. I got caught. I'm here to say I think maybe I've already been gotten.
Starting point is 00:07:07 I don't know. I got got real bad. How'd you get gotten? I was scrolling, just doing, doing some doom scrolling and Instagram will put up stuff that you don't follow now. Sure. Like in your feed, Beautiful, beautiful snowy cabin with the TV on it's cartoons. That's the giveaway. They have cartoons on TV and I DMed it to Katie and I was
Starting point is 00:07:36 like, we should go here. And she didn't check her DMs for awhile. And then we're sitting on the couch and she was like, my mom got fooled by AI, and I was like, ha ha, boomers, these fucking boomers, they can't handle anything. And she goes, all these people are starting to think that these like cabins and resort things are real,
Starting point is 00:07:54 and I was like, what's that? So. It just unfolds dramatically. It looked so good. They do a really good job with those. It looked like a beautiful snowy cabin. Maybe I have been fooled by those. Like the outside are mirrors. Like there are these resources in the woods. You see it and you go like,
Starting point is 00:08:14 this is what I sent her. This is the one I sent her. That looks real. First glance that would get me. But do you think about like that amount of snowfall. Yeah that light It's a perfectly uniform snowfall Tom and Jerry on the TV. Yeah, but the snowfall so then she just started sending me all the AI ones like this one Yeah, okay Like the proportions aren't quite right Yeah, and she was like you can't tell that there's no bottom of the plant and I was like it just looks like a very
Starting point is 00:08:45 Lovely rainy place that I would love to snuggle you in The autistic people really come into in handy where they can see that to be like no the lines don't go to the vanishing point Oh cool. Yeah, you don't know how to talk in an elevator, but you can point out that the cabin with snow isn't real Yeah, I know he's got six fingers. Yeah, the first thing they notice snow isn't real. Yeah, I know, he's got six fingers. Yeah. It's the first thing they notice. Snow doesn't fall that thick. They're gonna get us all, like there's a curve of what you understand and what you don't.
Starting point is 00:09:09 Like my dad sent me a message the other day, he's like, show hey, Ohtani got busted by Major League Baseball for gambling, he's suspended for seven years. I was like, are you fucking serious? That would be everywhere. It would be the biggest story in the world. Everywhere.
Starting point is 00:09:23 I looked at Twitter for two seconds, I was like, yeah, God. I mean, Twitter for two seconds, I was like, God. I mean dude, that's what robots are making us do. We all have to become gumshoes now. We have to be like. What sauce do you have on that McGillicuddy? Well that doesn't sit right. I walked in and I saw you reading the paper.
Starting point is 00:09:36 You would have been in the paper. And the people would have known. The tip would have been in. The Los Angeles Times. You had ink on your fingers. That indicates to me that you read the paper over your morning coffee. So I know you, you know, and that's, yeah dude. It would have been on the morning press.
Starting point is 00:09:49 I mean, I'm surprised that we don't have a World of the World situation. Yeah, any moment. It'll happen. Remember how we used to laugh at them? Yeah. We'd be like, ha ha ha, they thought though. They thought the train was coming right at them,
Starting point is 00:10:00 those fucks. Yeah, they thought aliens were attacking because Orson Welles read it, and where I am gonna, that was, that was the appetizer of me getting got. That was apparently people turned on the radio halfway through the broadcast, and they didn't know, like it was set up to be a prank show. Some of us saw Snowy Cabin with Tom and Jerry on,
Starting point is 00:10:19 and we went, oh, it might be in there, look at that big, comfortable couch. You get fooled by Tom and Jerry, too. It's like, wait, do mice and cats really do this? Holy shit. Are you telling me that they're not having a small house inside the wall and the cat can get in it and get skinned? They're not able to buy things through some weird distributor.
Starting point is 00:10:38 You're telling me when he gets electrocuted, I can't see the bones through his body. Yeah. It, uh, it, it, that's the worst part of getting older is realizing that everyone gets God. It's coming for me too. Yeah. Like my, my grandma died and like going through her mail, I saw how many things she got got by like, Hey, don't forget your $20 are due for the orphans who got flooded thing. And you're like, I, it, that was well intentioned, but she got,
Starting point is 00:11:04 cause in her mind, of course the orphans got flooded. Of you're like I it that was well intentioned but she got guys in her mind Of course the orphans got flooded. Of course. These people are trying to help Yeah, of course and these people are doing good work. Yeah, it's never like this is a scam This is a scam Everything's gonna be a scam my grandma got got by similar things and then she fell and she broke her hip doing Irish step dancing in front of the TV drunk off whiskey and that was the beginning of the end So we have to go through I've been saying this on stage,, drunk off whiskey and that was the beginning of the end. So we had to go through. I've been saying this on stage,
Starting point is 00:11:27 but it's true that that's the end, the broken hip. The hip, why is it the hip? It's like cracking the Liberty Bell. Yeah. You gotta take it down, dude, you can't get back. You don't get back up from that one. No, they don't kip up as easily as they used to. It's just a one-legged kip up with a broken hip.
Starting point is 00:11:42 Ah! Oh, thank God for my jujitsu training. My grandma busted her head. Damn. She hit her head and then went to the hospital. They stitched her up and she was like, put me back in the game. They had her in the blue tent.
Starting point is 00:11:56 She was one of those linebackers who like, purposely bombed the test at the beginning of the year so she could fail the concussion test and get back in. Yeah, she's like Rocky. She's like, I ain't no bell. And then they brought her. How hard you can get concussed. It's not about if you're laying in your garage
Starting point is 00:12:13 for 30 minutes with no one helping you. It's about if you can get up. One time I called her and I was like, how you doing? She was like, I was laying outside for 15 minutes. And you're like. Tanning? Just when old people fall 15 minutes. And you're like. Tanning? Just when people fall, they just have to go like. How am I going to get out of this one?
Starting point is 00:12:32 You did it again, Mary Lou. If I can roll down the block. Yeah. Get the attention. She busts her head. They stitch her up, they send her back. On the way out of the car, she slips, breaks her hip. Done, season over.
Starting point is 00:12:46 Season over. Season over. Compounding errors. Done, dude. I hate this. She was on the stat sheet and not for a good reason. Just don't make the same mistake twice. But I mean, maybe, why don't we give old,
Starting point is 00:12:58 this is just us converging on two ideas. Old people give them robot hips. Yes. Just give them robot bottoms. They've been getting teflon hips for a while. Yeah, why not motorize them? That'd be crazy if your grandmother had strength or she's like, oh, you did you get my candies?
Starting point is 00:13:17 He's like, I frisbee threw them to your apartment miles away. They land. Show me that grand baby. Like Tony Stark hands like lowering herself. Your man is Iron Man. I'm here to play gin rummy. Do that and use all these robots to improve the people that need improvement.
Starting point is 00:13:43 Yeah. But then we find out that the software that the old people are using is actually being controlled by China. Yes. They're hacked and now the old people are an army of super soldiers. And then you got to fight. Then like the Civil War, you have to fight your family. I'm sorry, Grandpa. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:13:58 You were never a good boy. Grandpa, don't make me do this. Hail to Emperor Xi. Yeah, the People's Republic of China will stand tall. Sheesh, weesh, weesh. Yeah, well he looks like Winnie the Pooh. And they're like. He does look like Winnie the Pooh.
Starting point is 00:14:17 You know that it's illegal to, you know Winnie the Pooh's illegal in China? Because he looks too much like Xi? Because people have made fun of him. That's awesome. And he's like, he's like, no, not in China. You will not show Winnie the Pooh. That is so funny that your leader gets upset about a cartoon character.
Starting point is 00:14:34 No touching life lessons for children. No, you can't get Winnie the Pooh is an American operative. No stories of friendship. I'd have a Chinese knockoff. And then you find out that Winnie the Pooh is communist, if you read all the books. Yeah, he's all about sharing. Yeah, the Hundred Acre Wood is a communist utopia. Technically, it belongs to me and Christopher Robin.
Starting point is 00:14:56 It belongs to the people. Piglet, you are the bottom of communism, therefore you will not eat. Piglet, the owners depend on your labor. Yeah, he goes, he was like, I had a daughter and they made me throw her in the river because of anti-NATO laws. But dude, robot grandpas sounds like this is our way, this is our way to better disabled people and robots
Starting point is 00:15:23 make them superhuman. Yeah. They become our leaders. Then people like trying to break their backs. So you can get the upgrades. Yeah. Like people will be like the way people fake autism right now to get followers online. People are going to be faking that they're crippled to get robot legs. Yeah. Give me robot legs. Get the bionics.
Starting point is 00:15:44 This is a comic. He just, just hold bits about robot legs. He didn't even need the robot legs. Get the bionics. Whoopee, whoopee, whoopee. This is a comic, he just holds bits about robot legs. He didn't even need the robot legs. Peep, peep, peep, peep. You guys ever crush your car because you stand on it? Peep, peep. Just the sound of a robocop walk away? Doing bionic crowd work. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:03 Hey, I can see your heart rates up. Psh, this guy. Scan I can see your heart rates up. Scanning them. I just scanned you. You have wallet keys and a little rabbit dildo on you. You haven't fucked her have you? You oh my god oh my what do you do for a living? Nevermind, I just downloaded your entire, oh yeah, ah, ah, ah, he's over, you're, me and my dog holler. My car needed repairs, but I could only pay for half of them. An easy loan through lamina.ca made the difference between stressed out driving and a smooth ride to work.
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Starting point is 00:16:59 I had to wait to talk to homeless pimp. I had a dog car. I was like, ugh, was that bad? Was I talking about comedy? Oh, yeah, I have the nipple things on over my shirt. You can't stop talking about comedy, can you? No, I can't, mistress. Oh no, no, no, no, no, mistress.
Starting point is 00:17:19 Please, I'm such a maggot. Yeah, dude, I think robot crowd work will be the next. What do you do for a living? Nevermind, ocular scan. You are James McGovern. He does the whole thing. You work at, you live at 16 Alpine Drive. I have a copy of your retinal scan. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Netflix is like, love it. Buy four specials from it.
Starting point is 00:17:46 You have been searching for thick Latinas. Your Google shirts shows that you want to be stepped on. Who do you want to be stepped on to buy? Yeah. It's all fucking broken is, but this is, I would say the end of Rome versus the end of America, you take America every time. Air conditioning, convenience. Where would you rather be?
Starting point is 00:18:13 Yeah, at the end of Rome or the end. The end of Rome would have been cool. You're just wearing a lot of flowy. Because who had it the best in the fall of Rome? It was like the scholars and the emperors and the high priests and the high chiefs of state or whatever. It depends on how much you like grapes. Like they were just getting grapes. Big fucking deal.
Starting point is 00:18:30 Yeah. They had old grapes that were fermented. They had new grapes to eat. Drinking until you puke. Fine. Some of us like that, but. They would just have vomitoriums. Vomitoriums. You're getting, I guess you're getting sucked off by like the hottest women of the time, but like how hot are they really but are you I feel like history books do the things that your drunk friends do Where they go? No, no, no, she looked like like a heavier Charlize Theron No, she didn't know I was there and I wasn't drinking she looked nothing like that. Yeah, that's why you wonder like the Roman scholars
Starting point is 00:19:01 They're like no dude. There was they were so hot. I've seen the busts of what the men look like. Yeah. The women had to be. The men all had weirdly broad foreheads. Yeah, they had like, they were like squished guys. Well, that's what's going to be crazy is when paleontologists look us up. Yeah. Because like, I've had a hair transplant. I know a lot of guys that have a hair transplant.
Starting point is 00:19:19 They're going to be like, what happened to bald men? All of a sudden they were gone. They went extinct. Everyone had good hair. And you're like, yeah, this is science. We're at the best part for science right now. Yeah. Like it's fun to talk about what robots might do.
Starting point is 00:19:33 We don't have to worry about it yet. Future historians are gonna blame like the disappearance of bald men on something inaccurate. Something else that happens. The internet. All right, the ninth season of Big Bang Theory came out then. And then suddenly people weren't bald anymore. 5G. anymore. 5G. 5G took away the bald people.
Starting point is 00:19:49 That had no, there was no connection to that. 5G reduced men's testosterone enough that they didn't bald naturally. Yeah, so they just kept their hair. Yeah, it's fucking wild. It's wild that we're seeing all the stuff when it's good and it's fun. Because even explaining the internet to people in their 20s now, like explaining early 20s, people don't realize the internet wasn't mean at first. You were just like go on in the 90s. And people were just like wanted to talk.
Starting point is 00:20:21 They were creeps. It was people who wanted to talk about weightlifting. For a long time. Weightlifting and sex. It was always sex. It was weightlifting forums. And in the weightlifting forums, there were links posted by guys who had porn downloads. Porn has always been part of the internet.
Starting point is 00:20:34 It was essential. However, the mean, like the social media aspect of it changed how people were like mean to each other. Yeah. Because Facebook used to be like super positive when I was like, you would write on your friend's wall, you'd be like, Hey man, I'll see it. Or you'd like have like a fun joke. Yeah. That was it. Well, inside you'd post your inside jokes publicly. It was a wild time. Or like your status. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:01 Remember when you wrote like is Dan is Dan's out ripping butts and sucking tits. I remember I posted an angry one one time when I was in high school. I see her on my GPS got stolen out of my car during school. It was similar to a Tom Tom, something like that. Maybe a Garmin, shout out to him. And then like someone broke in and like every, it was the big story in school. Like me and one other kid got our shit stolen out of our cars and on my Facebook status it was like JP,
Starting point is 00:21:27 I had to have an is statement so I was like JP is angry. He wants answers. That's so great. I would love to go see my old statuses to see what I wrote. We're like Dan is not feeling this double on a Thursday. And you're like oh yeah. You should just put all your information out there. Yeah, Dan is, there was a decorated general with a heart of gold and he welcomed him
Starting point is 00:21:50 to all the stories he told. They were just like, the people that took it too seriously and would write stuff were, even back then, you'd be like, calm down, you don't need this. Or they would, a lot of people would do stuff for attention to get you to write them. Think of crisis? Yeah, Dan is feeling like he doesn't know what to do. I'm at get you to write them. Think of crisis? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:06 Dan is feeling like he doesn't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. Please help. Those were so embarrassing. Yeah. Because then people would write, dude, my friend got on my Facebook because he watched me log on when I was home from college.
Starting point is 00:22:21 Because I was the first, I was the generation that you had to be at a certain school to get on Facebook. And University of Arizona was on Facebook, and so was the University of Colorado, so all my friends were on it. And I remember doing a Facebook, like updating my status at a friend's house, and he watched me log on, and he saw my password.
Starting point is 00:22:42 And so then when I went on the next day, I had all these messages from girls at Arizona that were like, I would love to talk to you about that. And I was like, what the fuck? And then I looked and it was like, he wrote the messages and I was like, hey, can we talk? I think I'm gay. And they were like.
Starting point is 00:22:58 I knew it was gonna be a gay thing. It's always a gay thing. It was like the number one move. But it was like, dude, I had to tell like six girls I knew at Arizona, like, nah, that was my friend Brian. And they were like. That's kind of amazing wingmanning on the back end. Yeah, because now they're talking.
Starting point is 00:23:13 And then the topic of you being straight comes up with those girls. And any girl who has an inkling of interest is like, oh, interesting, now we can talk about this. Oh, it would have been cool if you were gay. We could have been friends. You're like, no, I like, I like pussy. And she's like, I can't talk to you. You say that. Burnettes. I like pussy. And she's like, you know what? I think I'm like, cool, if you're gay, we could have been friends. She's like, no, I like, I like pussy. And she's like, I can't talk to you.
Starting point is 00:23:25 You say that? You go, I like pussy. And she's like, you know what? I think I'm good. I like vaginas. Mostly boobs. Jim boobs. She's like, Ashley is feeling weird.
Starting point is 00:23:38 Yeah, that's just her status. Her status gets updated. Have you guys heard that flavored air category is quickly becoming the leading alternative to vaping and smoking? Whole new movement towards better habits. We all have bad habits. Mine was the kind you think you're doing so well going without and then you're out with friends and they're all reaching for their bad habits. You feel that urge not to be left out. Next thing you know you're borrowing one. Well what if I was to tell you there's a better alternative that helps you kick your bad habit in an enjoyable way and something that you can take with you.
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Starting point is 00:24:35 Looks awesome. Feel the weighted high quality design. Fume has served over 300,000 customers and you can be the next success story. For a limited time, use my code code Soder to get a free gift with Your journey pack head to try fume.com That's try Fum.com and use the code Soder or scan the QR code on screen to get a free gift with your order today Yeah, I can't imagine how what what it's gonna be like when we're elderly.
Starting point is 00:25:06 Yeah, it's all automated. It's just already done. Our entire lives are gonna be automated at that point to where the internet and ourselves are just so intertwined. There's no distinction anymore. Well, there's people that now have the dead internet theory that it's all just bots, that you're just going on there and 90% of your interactions are with bots.
Starting point is 00:25:23 That you're only talking to bots. And so you're just basically on there and 90% of your interactions are with bots. That you're only talking to bots. And so you're just basically talking to yourself. Yeah. Have you seen someone trick a bot on Twitter yet? They get them in a feedback loop. They'll do a feedback loop, or the other funny one is someone will comment and then the person will go, write me a poem,
Starting point is 00:25:38 and then they write a poem, because they're AI, so they're command-based. Yeah. It's very funny. I've only seen it a couple times, where they'd be like, write me a poem, and they're like. Oh, so you catch them by getting them to write you a poem. Yeah, you like command them. Because then that's how you find out they're AI.
Starting point is 00:25:52 Is you're like, do this, and they're like, I cannot do this, for it is, and they're like, that's the two I've seen. They've written a poem, and one's been like, I cannot because of this, and you're like, no one talks like that. That's the lame time that we live in, that's the real-life version of like
Starting point is 00:26:05 shooting the guy who looks like Meanwhile your friend like I can't do bombs. I'm too fucking stupid. What are you doing? Yeah, it's gonna be. You passed. I will, at some point in my life, I will give robots information that I didn't mean to give them. Yeah. I'm prepared for that.
Starting point is 00:26:36 Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking about all the sites. Like, I logged into some site the other day to try to find royalties for like my standup or something that's out there. I just gave them all this sensitive information. They'll be like, we'll be back to you within 30 days. I'm like, did I just completely ruin my life?
Starting point is 00:26:50 Dude, I didn't know about mirroring. I didn't know people could mirror websites and make you look in the first time I found that out. Apple was like, you've been logged out on my, on my Mac. They're like, you've been logged out. You need to log back in. But through my email and they're like, you need to log back in. But through my email, and I was like, done. And I started filling stuff out, and it was like, social security number, why would Apple need my social?
Starting point is 00:27:12 And then I looked and I checked the email address, and it was like 7JXY, and you're like, fuck. And you're like, fuck. Yeah, like they're circling, they're getting close. Dude, we've spent so many times making fun of parents who buy gold coins, parents who get like solicitors, like old people that would get caught by solicitors. We have, it's coming our way in such a way that we're fucked.
Starting point is 00:27:38 Yeah. We're absolutely fucked. God, I can't wait. I've been noticing the warning signs of myself where like I look on YouTube, like I'll do those YouTube dives of woo woo spiritual or what about this ancient civilization that made me not, and now it's so clear that AI bots
Starting point is 00:27:52 are just generating those stories and they can come up with these videos that are captioned and have an AI voiceover that just get you to watch. And the AI voiceover, you could tell because it sounds like someone who has the perfect voice for voiceover, but they can't do it Where they go cadence is not like Egypt was and you're like, why are you talking like that? The pyramids were built in 11,000 That's it. Yeah, they understand that Dominique Hawkins was a dominant player for the Atlanta Hawks
Starting point is 00:28:21 They pronounced a couple of words wrong. Yeah, that's fucked up. But it's Shawn Kemp was known as the Ry Hawks. They pronounced a couple of words wrong. They're like, that's fucked up. But it's shit. Sean Kemp was known as the Rygan man. He, yeah. Shaq Diesel, Shaq Gasoline. Die-asshole. Die-asshole. Shaq Die-asshole was the dominant center.
Starting point is 00:28:36 But this is the beginning. Yeah. This is the beginning. They're gonna refine those little quirks and they're gonna get it right. This episode will be watched in like 10 years and you'll be like, you fucking pussies had no idea what was coming.
Starting point is 00:28:47 They're gonna recreate this exact episode with our exact dialogue, but it's Laurel and Hardy. Yeah, and they're like, hey Laurel, aren't you worried about the robots? And they're like, ah, no. They haven't thought about the robot takeover? Yeah, well that's what makes me nervous is I've put so much podcasts out. Yeah stand up
Starting point is 00:29:06 You've got so much to learn. Oh, they have my voice. Yeah, me too. So watch out for AI Dan Soder She's asking for money. I want mune Give me your mune They you need to have some like specific question about wrestling or something that you that only me Yeah some specific question about wrestling or something that you would get right. That only me? Yeah. Where they're like, what is the greatest story line in the history of wrestling? And they're like, I would say,
Starting point is 00:29:29 WrestleMania 8 against Hulk Hogan versus Sid Vicious. And you go, first off, his name was Sid Justice in the WWE. And second off, everyone knows, it was Mega Powers Explode. Ah, I just scored it. AI bot kill. Yeah, oh fuck, dude, how many of are going to have to do that in our life?
Starting point is 00:29:46 Yeah. God damn it, Katie. Is it you? She's like, who is the real pimp? I never thought you've seen that movies and we didn't realize that all of us are going to have to go through that. Yeah, it will be our lives. Oh man.
Starting point is 00:29:58 But what if you shoot your wife and you're like, damn it, damn it. Sex robot, help me get rid of her. That's going to be the defense in a lot of court cases of guys killing their wives. It's like, your honor, I was in an AI robot standoff. Number one, I bought a sex robot and I made the mistake to make her look exactly like my wife. I don't even know.
Starting point is 00:30:14 The real wife walks into the room and it's like, hey, honey, can you just not do only your dishes? Can you do all the dishes that are, pfft. Yeah, oh no, I thought you were the robot. Oh damn, blood everywhere. Can you watch something else besides football? And you're like. Oh no. I thought you were the robot. Oh damn. Can you watch something else besides tee besides football? Oh no. Um, I'm interested to see like with all this AI shit happening in like robots and stuff, there are going to be people that just like
Starting point is 00:30:39 buy sex robots and then you're going to see them at their house. We're going to be like, who's that lady in the corner? Just a turned off sex robot? Like when you find out your friend is spending too much money on sex robots, that conversation where you're like, why did you buy one? And he's like, do you wanna try it? But then it just becomes complete.
Starting point is 00:30:59 You're like, no, dude. No, I just wiped it down, dude. Yeah, no, dude, I cleaned it up. You wiped it down my gym equipment. Yeah. You have one of wiped it down. Yeah. No, dude. I cleaned it off. I have it down. My gym equipment. It was wiping the plus in the butt. He goes, do you want to hand me that squirt gun? Maybe get the armpit while you're at it. I'm just saying to something weird.
Starting point is 00:31:18 Sorry, dude. I, uh, you might want to do sure inside. I've been, I've been nutten in her, dude. She has so many points of articulation. I can use the back of her knee. Oh, it's like every action figure I wanted as a kid, but you can fuck it. Yeah. And then like reused. You want to use it, just put it on preheat. So it gets up to 98.6 real quick. They got to cook everything off.
Starting point is 00:31:36 Well, no, you got to get it up to like a human body. Oh yeah. So it doesn't get cold. Don't go in cold. What are you a necro? Are you a necro? I prefer cold. Oh. It's the gazp's just feel it. And then you're like. What are you a necro? Are you a necro dude? I prefer cold. It's the gazpacho of sex robots.
Starting point is 00:31:48 And you're like, no, no, no. Who likes that? The necrospacho. That's what. Can I get some necrospacho? I'm gonna cool her off and keep her outside. But then like refurbished sex robots. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:01 They're like, oh no, this is refurbished. Yeah, you bought it cheaper, but cheap is expensive, man. Dude, she got blown out. That's so funny. And then you're like, oh no, this is re- Yeah, you bought it cheaper, but cheap is expensive, man. I mean, dude, she got blown out. That's so funny. And then you're like, people are going to be jealous. It's like this nipple is a little smoother. All the little ridges that were supposed to be on the nipple have been worn down to a perfect smoothness.
Starting point is 00:32:16 Is this an old model? You're like, why do I feel like, it's, I mean- It's like using an iPhone 8 now. That's what I mean. Like, no, I got it updated, it updated though. So it still works. It runs on the new iOS. So I like the touch button clip. I don't like it. But you know how they always talk about like, uh,
Starting point is 00:32:36 whenever you bring up like military grade weaponry, they're always like, they have stuff that you won't know. Generation ahead of us. Well whatever we're going to get in five years is downstream from what they've got now. Yeah, that's how I feel about sex robots. Yeah. You're like, you have no idea how good stuff is.
Starting point is 00:32:52 I hit the indoor golf simulators a lot. And they have these simulators that tell the exact speed, angle, rotation. And it's just based on military technology that they probably had like 12 years ago. Yeah, there's like 16 villagers that died. So you can see your drive. So I could dial in my pitching wedge.
Starting point is 00:33:10 Yeah, so your approach game could get better. Sorry, Yemen. Yeah, sorry those drones took you out, but I know what the 17th fairway feels like in Augusta. I got the member guest coming up, small village. I got to get in tune Are they gonna have you know the way like? iPhones are built by like child slaves. Is that gonna be sex robots the sex robots become the new child's hey
Starting point is 00:33:36 No, like those rules reversing are they yeah, I know for real Are they gonna be built by like those are those going to be like, good job on the iPhone. Yeah. Now we need you to build the fuckatron 3000. It's like, listen, we tried it with adults, but nobody knows components better than Lee Hong. Their little fingers can get in there to make the pussy lips look real. The little kids just like, yeah, come on. No, I'm bringing it over. I know. Squatting, smoking. You want me to build you a blonde or a brunette?
Starting point is 00:34:05 And you're like, this kid's the best. I stole it out of a factory. Putting it together like a soldier putting together a rifle. Field strip it. Can you field strip my bimbo 4000? Clit, vulva, four lips. Problem solved, now you got a three tit whore.
Starting point is 00:34:19 And you go, I didn't want three tits, but this is pretty good. Whoa. You bend her over, you know that chick's sights on a gun? You bend her over, you go, that looks good. That looks good. Fourth vertebrae's a little out of alignment.
Starting point is 00:34:29 That looks good, he's like, are you into little people? It's gonna be wild. We can make dwarf proportions if you want. And then it's gonna be funny to watch all the dating material, be like, what's up? Why would I go on a date with a human when I can just program my robot? And you're like, oh no.
Starting point is 00:34:45 That's gonna play really well with all the autistic guys who are in every crowd of every, like every comedy audience. They're just like, I'll take on sex robot, this is my sex robot. All these single guys that used to go to shows now have a date. My girlfriend's giving me a hard time.
Starting point is 00:34:59 Why don't you get a sex robot from the third row? Dude, people are worried about, you know, like conservatives are like, they scream about men and women's sports. Imagine robots and human sports. Oh, forget about it. It'll happen. It's on the verge, yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:14 And then you're like, you thought, fucking boxing a trans woman was tough? She was a real woman. I'm not gonna let that confusion happen. In theory, boxing a trans woman. They just freaked out and ran with it, where you. Yeah, we can't even have a conversation about this Yeah, cuz someone will go like so there didn't even read about I did I read so much about it completely separate set of facts It was completely by the way
Starting point is 00:35:35 Like they found out the people that said that that woman female boxer from the woke country of Algeria. Yeah The very trans forward country, you know, they're so cool about country of Algeria. Yeah. The very trans forward country. You know, they're so cool about trans in Algeria that the people that said that she was a man were I believe the IBA, the International Boxing Association, which has been defunct now. And it was also shown that they were connected
Starting point is 00:36:00 to the Russian mob. And they said that she was a man after she beat a Russian boxer that was backed by the Russian. It's like all these levels to it, and they're like, no, it's a dude fighting ladies. And you're like, it's actually a way more interesting story than that.
Starting point is 00:36:14 Yeah, it actually reveals a lot about the nature of the governing bodies behind boxing. It also shows you that boxing will always be the most corrupt sport. 100%, dude. It'll always be the most corrupt. Don King is one of the like most key figures. I love boxing, but then you all, it's like my favorite sport. One of my favorite sports to watch.
Starting point is 00:36:30 Yeah. And then you're like so angry at how fucking corrupt it is. It's almost nothing but tragedy and corruption. But now imagine it with robots. Yeah. Like if they make like a Terminator, like a lifelike looking dude that. You don't need to go to the inner city to find some kid on his last chance now You don't need to find a robot
Starting point is 00:36:50 I don't have to pick just go program a robot that looks like a human But then they have to do the Terminator thing where they cut their fucking arm off and they're like show them and they're like Yeah, dude, it's gonna be NFL is gonna rule what you got. What do you got? Why is the problem of concussions? We put the motherboard in the abdomen. Dude, that's great. All the headshots you want. Robot NFL players having CT or they're just like, he's
Starting point is 00:37:13 pissing all over his pants. It's just oil shooting out. Got my bell rung. Dude, I can't wait for robot NFL. Yeah. That's what, that's what it's going to be. We're just going to make all the stuff that hurts hurts humans make robots do their girlfriends are the sex robots So they show the sex the football robots getting drafted
Starting point is 00:37:33 We're gonna have so much oil and battery life he's like don't you mean we I'm getting I'm getting a white robot I'm going for a white rock. Is there a mouse in your pocket? And it will be funny like robots, like the far left people will be like, I'm switching a penis for a vagina. Now I'm switching back to switching it out and you're like, there you go. They're not hurting anybody. Robots are canonically they, them. You have, you've got the wrong pronouns. Mine are one zero zero one zero one zero
Starting point is 00:38:03 zero zero one. They've don't assume my programs. Woke robots are going to be fuck. It's so funny. I am a robot. That is super offensive. We're literally binary. Actually, my favorite and you can zap me with my nipple tassels, but one of my favorite micro scene jokes is when he calls him a buckets, old buckets, bolt buckets. And they go, dad, you can't call him that.
Starting point is 00:38:27 That's their word. No daughter of mine is bringing home a bolt bucket. Yeah, bringing home a bolt bucket. But it's like, they're gonna, like, politics will get into robots and that's gonna be hilarious. I mean, they might as well, like, basically, with the goal of politics and all the people who handle politicians and like the K Street think tanks
Starting point is 00:38:45 and everything, their whole idea is to mold politicians in a certain image, have them say certain things, act a certain way. To push their policies. Why not just program it? Why not just make it a pro, like, do you think they'll ever? Someone who doesn't have a physical form.
Starting point is 00:38:56 Do you think they'll ever be a robot president? It could be, yeah, I think you'll be able to convince enough people why the fuck not. All the Silicon Valley CEOs are already on board They're like, yeah, let's do it. Let's have AI Cuz you know, I like for the country how like liberals now will be like I miss George W Bush like they do that dumb shit or they're like, I isn't it crazy I live in a world where I miss him because of Trump and you're like you're gonna miss humans
Starting point is 00:39:21 Yeah, you're gonna miss I wish I was getting lied to by a fucking human, not a robot that can, oh, but then we can have fucking robot wars with other countries, like BattleBots, where we like take on China. I'm kind of actually turning around on the idea right now. Send forth your champion in the BattleBots arena. What was that Bad Hugh Jackman movie? Yeah, the one where they fight like the remote control robot. Instead of people fighting. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:45 That's what- Ready Player One, I think. No, that, no, no. Ready Player One's like a- That's a good one. I think that's more of like a- If it was right behind me, that would be crazy. It is.
Starting point is 00:39:55 Holy shit. It's somewhere right behind you. I honestly didn't even know it was behind me. Ready Player One is somewhere on this fucking bookcase. That's a synchronicity. You knew it. I feel like you clocked it and you're like, watch me drop this. Yeah. I Kaiser sozated. Yeah. You're like, watch me drop this. Yeah. I, I Kaiser sozated.
Starting point is 00:40:06 Yeah. You're like, dude, I didn't know this, but JP broke into my apartment. Listen, I'm very thorough about my podcast. What is the little big man? That is directly behind you. Hello, Myrtle. Why Myrtle was comfortable with his smell. I should have known. It was called, I mean, it was a piece of shit. It was like right, it was made like right before the CGI got really good, so it didn't quite play.
Starting point is 00:40:32 It was in Chappie, but it wasn't Chappie. Chappie. What is, real steel. Real steel. What a hunk of shit. Really? Look at this, Look at fucking huge. Look how dark that like.
Starting point is 00:40:48 Yeah, there was a time where you could cover up things looking bad in movies by making every scene really dark. And then I'll read the synopsis in the near future. When people become uninested, uninterested in boxing and similar sports, impossible, a new sport is created, robot boxing, wherein robots battle each other while being controlled by someone. That's not even the fun, you've already blown it.
Starting point is 00:41:13 And you know what it is, it's kind of making me second guess the whole thing, like part of the thing that makes boxing so great is like these two guys are bringing their egos and their stories and their past into the ring, and one of these guys is going to fail and be hurt. And the other guy's gonna be in his moment of glory. It takes all the emotion out of that one.
Starting point is 00:41:31 You're watching both ends of the spectrum. You're watching one person, their life dream crumble. And you're watching another person's life dream become realized. You're not only going to lose at the thing that you train for, you're getting your ass kicked. And then a robot just goes full Conor McGregor and has like an oil addiction. You have to program extreme egos into the robots. All these robots are like, I'm not listening to you. The double robot
Starting point is 00:42:02 does not apologize for nothing. Tesla, there we go. Who the fuck is that guy? My sensors don't recognize him. The fucking double are trying to apologize to nobody. Tesla's hiring people to do the robot. The company is paying people to train its humanoid optimist bot via motion capture. Oh, so they put on the little mocap suits
Starting point is 00:42:25 and they like move around to mimic the robots. They just get LeBron to come in. It's like we need the most coordinated human being to be fine. Oh yeah, the amount of data collected you would need easily be a half a billion dollars and the real question is, even if you do that, do you succeed?
Starting point is 00:42:40 Oh, they're like doubting it, which makes me think. Employees must also be between five, seven and five 11. Cause the optimist is projected to be five eight dude, a robot with height issues. Cause we're both tall guys. They're making short Kings. You better put that. They better put that part in there. A robot with a built in Napoleon complex where they're like,
Starting point is 00:43:01 you know what their Napoleon complex is going to be? They're not human. Yeah. Well they'll be like, I'm not human. Why is it? Cause I'm not human. You won't even fuck me. Cause I'm not human. They compile all these data points to try to a simple, like approximate what it means to be human, but they never quite get there. It's like, I love listening to Bruce Springsteen. It reminds me of when I had a crush on a girl at one summer. You know, you don't believe that.
Starting point is 00:43:24 What do you think is going gonna be the more dangerous option? Men having sex with robots or women having sex with robots? Because men having sex with female robots, your penis gets crushed, right? Tough loss, TL, your wiener gets flattened. You have to, they have to build a new one out of your elbow skin. A lady could get killed easier
Starting point is 00:43:50 because the robot's all up in her guts. Gets her back blown out mechanically. I'm trying to say, we're saying it goes wrong for both of them. Who has it worse? The robot thrusts a lady like into the ceiling fan. That's what I mean. I think women have, it's gonna be more dangerous
Starting point is 00:44:08 for women to fuck a male sex robot. Yeah. If you're the guy, the clamps get hit on you and now she's on top like you're pinned down and you're getting blood circulation cut off. Yeah, she's got your hips. You're passing out. But you're able to fight.
Starting point is 00:44:27 You can reach for the phone. Yeah, you can reach for the phone or the controller to turn off. You haven't lost consciousness. Yeah, but a lady, that's Stud Robot. She gets into it too much. She's getting piped down too good. She loses track of where the remote is.
Starting point is 00:44:42 It slips off the side and then it's just like, meh, meh, meh, meh. And it's just like she ain't going nowhere. And all these like even nymphomaniacs are like it's it was the worst. Yeah. I could I got enough. And the women sometimes they want to have like nasty things said to them.
Starting point is 00:44:58 So their robots are programmed to talk to her. And then all of a sudden the robot is like put down the remote control you little slut yeah and then she does it you want more she goes okay and then her legs are just liquefied just the road the male robot sex the male sex worker i'm already giving him like that he's a sex worker he's not you have to pay them they're going to have a coin slot yeah credits do you know like remember arcade games you have're going to continue 25 seconds. Do you have like your David Buster's card? You're like, tap it on the tap to the forehead and they're like, well, dude, it's going to get wild.
Starting point is 00:45:35 It's going to get wild. And I'm so glad all three of us will be dead. Yeah, it's like Blade Runner shit. And you're just like, I'm kind of happy. I'm kind of happy we live. That's what we should be doing right now, is we should be appreciating that we are walking.
Starting point is 00:45:48 We live in the simpler times. We live in the times that people will be Amish for in like a generation. Oh, well they'll be just like, I'm going back to, I'm going back to only using Twitter and Instagram. There's gonna be communes of the times when it was really good, when you just had a portable DVD player.
Starting point is 00:46:04 Do you think this was the long-term strategy of the Amish? Where the Amish go like, it's actually kind of working out for us. You were right the whole time, you see. Oh, brother Hezekiah, you were right. Only writing nasty things carved into the side of the barn was the way to go. That's their Twitter.
Starting point is 00:46:22 They go, there's some stories going on about Mary Beth that are trending on the side of the barn. At the next harvest, this barn will be burned down and built anew. Yeah, but I feel like though, someone needs to do an apocalyptic thriller where the only humans that survive are the Amish because they're not tied to any robots.
Starting point is 00:46:41 Yeah. And like they are, they might be our last hope. I'm saying it right here on this podcast. They don't have any of the chemicals inside their bodies. No microplastics, no fucking any dude. Amish, if you're watching this. If this podcast somehow makes its way to you. If someone transcribes this and reads it to you,
Starting point is 00:47:01 you're our only hope. Help us Amish. You're a, help us brother Hezekiah. Teach us woodworking. You're our only hope. Help us Amish. Help us brother Hezekiah. Teach us woodworking. You're our only hope. Brother Daniel and brother James await your instructions. Just thinking about it, right? Brother Pimp will come with us too.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Brother Pimp, please let us in the commune. But I saw this interview, I think it was Tucker Carlson was talking to Ari Shafir or something. Because whenever my friends talk to Tucker Carlson, I'm like, what are you doing? Just who cares? I'm apolitical, so I don't care.
Starting point is 00:47:29 But you're like, what are you doing? But they were talking to Tucker Carlson, and he was like, he showed a tr- it actually made sense. He was like, I have a truck here that is, runs on an engine, a carburetor. It's like an old school truck. There's no computer that could shut this down. That's exactly his point.
Starting point is 00:47:43 And I was like, that's great. And you're like, I'm not one of those people that's like, what is he doing? I'm like, that's actually very smart. Yeah, I don't really drive, but yeah. That's kind of cool to say. I couldn't fix the truck, but that's pretty cool. But I think that's the way to go.
Starting point is 00:47:57 Like having stuff like that where you're not relying on any computer. Purely mechanical. Purely mechanical, you understand how it works. You know how to fix it. If you have like spare parts that's the way to go there's a book somewhere that tells you how to repair it so like the information related to it can't be changed by a third party where it's saved online somewhere I think we're about to be Amish hard copies yeah
Starting point is 00:48:18 they're like what happened to JP McDade and Soder and you're like this is is gonna be crazy. They're like literally Eddie Murphy and they're like George Carlin and Richard Pryor of the Amish. They're like just touring barns. They tapped this market that would be. Soul Joel was right there but he never got. Do you understand he was on the other side of the wall if he just would have invited him in. Dude that'd be so funny we get paid in grain. It's like I got bags of grain baby. They're talking into a fake microphone because they don't use microphones. The other day I slept in until 436 a.m. I am lazy. I'm so lazy. I didn't milk the cows till the sun was up. You know robots be all like, they love like, racist robot stuff.
Starting point is 00:49:10 Yeah, all these robots be like. Racist toward computer users. Oh look, I'm logging on, right guys? They're like, I just have a beard, no mustache. The women are silent, but the men are cracking up. You go, ladies, don't laugh at that. Don't laugh at that. I'll put a baby in you. No pain, no pain medication.
Starting point is 00:49:31 Damn, dude, the Amish are going to be our heroes. I love when we come to a conclusion at the end of an episode where you're like, I think we solved how to beat the robots. Through a good old fashioned prayer. There's that CIA meeting where there's just like a long table and there's a bunch of Amish people and they go, you're our only chance. And they're like, well, I'm gonna need six horses.
Starting point is 00:49:54 They're really bad negotiators. They could have anything. Oh, yeah, okay. I would love a new table. They go, not even the table. I'll make it myself. Give me the wood. And they go. One of my saw. I'll make it myself. Give me the wood. And they go.
Starting point is 00:50:05 One of my saws has become dulled. In frequent use, if you could replace that. Amish lawyers? Yeah. They're like, I'm the best, I'm the best god damn Amish lawyer in the world. My client is guilty and he is sorry. And he will, shall he repent?
Starting point is 00:50:20 And they're like, yeah, I guess. Man, you guys are just getting your clients hammered every time. Maximum sentence. Brother has a Kaia at law in the Amish criminal justice system. There are, everyone is guilty because God has made everyone with natural sin.
Starting point is 00:50:42 It's like, how do you plead? He's already whipping himself in the court. Damn, dude. And then like Rum Spring, they've done documentaries about it. It's got to be wild to just go like, so what's going on? And then you're like, oh, oh, oh. How do you go back? I feel like you realize we're all suckers.
Starting point is 00:51:01 Like if you haven't built into enough, you're like, oh, man, I'm so good at, like I'm not good at anything here in this world But I think some of them like I was watching naked and afraid or one of those times shows and there was a guy on That show who like went on one rumspringer and found he was like really good as like an outdoor guide And he was good at like giving people you know teaching survival skills to people in the woods and now he's like oh now There's now there's chicks. Yeah, he's like oh not women that I'm kind of related to check this out I don't have to fuck a third cousin you're a whole different race from oh oh my god
Starting point is 00:51:34 your skin it's caramel like Amish guys fucking other women must be like oh oh what is this it's like the first time you taste a new flavor. You're just like when a baby tastes lemon. Oh, Amish eating like black pussy. Hey, it's like that little kid with the jalapeno. You go sixties R and B music starts. They're like, you're right. Why boys? Sorry. I'm keeping all this flavor in my beard.
Starting point is 00:52:04 You are delicious. He's suddenly wearing a turtleneck. With a chain over it? Yeah, with a chain. There he goes, girl. Ring on the finger. I'm about to build you all the pawns you want. A wigger, a wigger on this guy.
Starting point is 00:52:16 He's like, ha ha ha. Yo, all I'm saying is form work. Yo, they got us that they're busting. We busting our ass. He's using like an old rusted blade to give himself an edge up. He's got lines in his eyebrow. Doing notches in his eyebrow. He's like, sorry, on run spring I had black pussy. Damn, you know, I raised a lot of borns in my life, but you raised something in me, girl.
Starting point is 00:52:38 Yeah. You know what? I want to raise a son with you, be my queen. And she's like, you're weird as hell. I live in Philadelphia. I ain't going out to no Amish queen." And she's like, you're weird as hell. I live in Philadelphia, I ain't going out to no Amish country. And he's like, shoot, you stupid.
Starting point is 00:52:50 Girl. Dude, Amish guy addicted to black women is so funny. He's like, I'm gonna tell you right now, I would give up four carriages just to be with you. He pulls up in like the one like one of those like carriages that has the orange triangle in the back, but it has rims. Yeah, spinners on it.
Starting point is 00:53:11 Yeah. Dude, it's so funny when you go to a gas station, you'll see like horse shit in Pennsylvania when you're by Amish, and you're like, but it's like horse shit where the cars, when we were driving, when we do our drive to Colorado for Christmas, we like pulled into a gas station in Pennsylvania and there was just horse shit where the cars, when we do our drive to Colorado for Christmas, we like pulled into a gas station in Pennsylvania
Starting point is 00:53:27 and there was just horse shit everywhere. And you're like, oh, it's near Amish country. They fuel up too. Yeah. They get the horses slim Jim. Spicy beef and then they go inside for a bucket of water. But it is also kind of fucked up because you're like clean up your horse shit.
Starting point is 00:53:42 Yeah. Like what is this? It's a, against our ways. Sorry. Good day now. Fuck off. Shit. Anything they don't want to do, they just.
Starting point is 00:53:52 Sorry, can't do that. It's a sin. Yeah. Hey, you were pretty rude back there. Well, we don't do that. Bye bye. I'll atone. Suck my Amish dick.
Starting point is 00:54:01 Suck my unsurcomized dick. Suck my musky Amish dick. Suck my unsurcomsized dick. Suck my musky Amish dick. Oh dude, pubic hair? Their pubes also have the little bangs. Oh yeah, that's fine. Little fucking They're just like straight down. I would love to get an Amish community
Starting point is 00:54:18 sponsored by Manscape and have them come in and just like shave their balls and stuff where they're like, oh my god! Look at my piece. Come over here, brother Josiah. Look at how big my- I've gained nearly half a cubit. Half a cubit?
Starting point is 00:54:33 Oh, look at my wife while I feel like eating it. I didn't know she had all those flaps and folds under all that hair. Getting women, having girls go get, what's it called, sugared? Where they have their pussy hairs waxed and stuff. Damn dude, that would be so funny. Manscape, go attack the Amish.
Starting point is 00:54:53 My darling, your child hole has never looked better. Oh my God, after 17 kids, I actually could see the wear and tear. Sweet Lord. Cover it back up. Oh my God, it looks like a bloodhound on an August day. It's like. Hh, hh, hh, hh, hh.
Starting point is 00:55:08 That's pretty gross. That's a good place to end. That's a good place to end the episode. On the drool. New special out on YouTube. Check out JP McDade. He is seriously one of the funniest people working right now. Jokes.
Starting point is 00:55:22 The guy's got amazing jokes. I know this is, we're at the point of the apocalypse where I have to sell you on this. Jokes are great. They're fun. They're written. Prepared material. The robots haven't figured them out just yet.
Starting point is 00:55:35 Just yet. Did you think comics use AI to write jokes? It's, people have to. Pimp is shaking his head yes. Yeah, people have to be using it. People are using AI to write jokes? Yeah. I think they're collecting data from jokes. Yeah, that sucks. in his head yes yeah people have to be people are using AI to write jokes yeah
Starting point is 00:55:46 yeah that sucks like compile the top I don't even want to think about I don't even want to think about like compile the topics that are that people have find most interesting or something and then they write jokes about that yeah you know it's disgusting do you are musicians doing Yeah, you just make a song a whole song from AI. Yeah, dude. Someone did AI Metallica as yacht rock and my friend Matt Lamparzek sent it to me. Shout out Matt Lamparzek He's almost done in the Navy when he does we'll be smoking weed again that faithful day will come dude I'm gonna play it for you. It is So fucking good. It's so good that I'm kind of like I don't know
Starting point is 00:56:24 I hate that some things they make are good It is so fucking good. It's so good that I'm kind of like, I don't know if I like this. I hate that some things they make are good. Let's rock. Apologies in advance. This is AI. Do an Enter Sandman. This is AI. Fuck, it's undeniable.
Starting point is 00:56:42 Little one, don't forget my son. You include everyone. I mean, it's undeniable I mean it's great yeah Take it to the bridge. It's great. Robots, take us over. This is what's going to be playing when we lay back and Fentanyl is just injected right in the robot. They're using us as batteries like the Matrix. Also shout out Matt Lamparzek because his friend did a cover of Chapel Rowan, but they did a death metal cover.
Starting point is 00:57:30 Chapel Rowan is unbelievable, but this is humans covering it and I love it. He's drumming, my buddy drums. And he does the fills. What's it called? It's a girlfriend would love that. Chapel Rowan. Oh, this is my buddy, Matt. I'll send it to you. Yeah. My buddy covered it, but yeah, Chapel Rowan is Katie got me into her and she's like the biggest thing right now. And I like her, cause she's came out and gone like,
Starting point is 00:58:06 hey fans, chill out, chill the fuck out. Yeah. That's so cool. You're being weird. Yeah, you're making it not fun for me to do this. Yeah. I love the fact that someone has said, not that I have that problem,
Starting point is 00:58:17 but I'm saying like someone of that stature. Where Eminem used to be like, fuck my fans, I hate you. Now it's like out of the middle of the ground. It's like, hey, you're. You like talk to my people. Yeah. I like that. Now it's like out of the middle of the ground, it's like, hey, you're. You like talk to my people. Yeah. I like that. Like she's like, guys, the humanity of it.
Starting point is 00:58:28 Yeah. Fucking leave me alone. You're freaking me out when I'm in public. Yeah. I love that shit. It rocks. Yeah. Shout out, Chappell Ronan.
Starting point is 00:58:35 Also she dressed up like a wrestler at Lollapalooza. Come on the pod, Chappell Ronan. Come on. Let's go. Come on the, dude, if we got Chappell Ronan, everyone would be like, how did you get her? Katie would be out there on the other side like, what road, how did you get her? That's so funny if I didn't tell Katie I go hey listen on Tuesday chapel runs coming by and she'd be like what
Starting point is 00:59:00 That's like as big as getting a Taylor Swift on your podcast. Yeah. Okay. Listen if one of chapel runs friends sees this Come on by come hang out. We're in Manhattanone's big into like Legion of Skanks so she knows you. She's like I'm throwing skank hands she goes honestly for me you know what dude set up this whole generation of comics you're like Chaperone you still listen to you know what dude. She goes oh I used to read Jeffrey Gurion she goes that was awesome. I had a subscription to the entire bang. I was like. She's like, I love it. I love comedy.
Starting point is 00:59:29 That would be so fucking funny. Yeah, I saw Jaroza at Broadway comedy club. Oh my God. Nothing better than watching a taping of what's your fucking deal with Big Jay Okerson at the bitter end. And you're like

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