Soder - 56: Trapped in Nebraska

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

December 26th, 2023. While driving through Nebraska, a blizzard shut down the roads. This is the story told from a Motel 6 parking lot. Part 2 coming next week Support the sponsors to support the show! Give the gift of practical luxury that benefits everyone in your household. Go to hellotushy.com/SODER  now to grab your deal before it's gone! And don’t forget to give us a shout out while you’re there and let them know we sent you. hellotushy.com/SODER  for the best gift this holiday season. Check out their website for their best deals of the year! Folks, for a limited time, our friends at Chubbies are giving our listeners 20% off with the promo code SODER20 at checkout at chubbiesshorts.com That’s 20% off your order with the promo code SODER20 Support our show and tell them we sent you! This holiday season gift yourself and your loved ones Chubbies. chubbiesshorts.com Follow Katie Nolan https://www.instagram.com/natiekolan/?hl=en PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Dec 6 - Chicago, IL Dec 7 - Milwaukee, WI Dec 11 - Live REGZ Podcast in NYC Dec 12-14 Sacramento,CA Feb 25 - San Diego,CA March 1 - Los Angles,CA March 2 - San Francisco,CA Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by   @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en Animation by Cartuna Radio - Glenn Gracia https://www.instagram.com/cartunaradio/?hl=en

36 minutes ago Nebraska DOT I-80 and Highway 30 those are our two main roads closed snow and high winds continue to make travel Impossible damn we may be sleeping in this car tonight. How would we do that? Um, I would say myrtle's probably does that seat drop down? I got about 50% left of my steam deck. So I'm mad max and then ships The only thing that's gonna suck is if or dies What if I asked the guy if I go in there and charge it? You think he's not gonna take that steam deck? He can also probably explain to you how to use it.

I got that knife. I'll keep that knife. You have a knife? Yeah, you've known that. I thought you had pliers. Should we bust out the pepper spray that you got me? Where is that? It is in the box with the rest of the stocking stuffers. If this were live, we wouldn't be sharing our plan, but by the time you guys hear this,

we're either dead or we've made it out. So I don't know if we care, but our lights are on. You can't turn them off. It's all the way off. Well, the battery won't die if the car's on, right? The alternator's going. God, I know nothing. I either do I.

I know nothing. I just heard. We're so screwed. They got a light on. What do you think they're doing? Oh, they're moving around in there. Okay. Well, they probably know we're podcasting. Yeah, they got a light on what do you think they're doing up? They're moving around in there Okay, well they probably know we're podcast. Yeah, they got a strobe I also I was gonna say if anybody saw me doing this I think I'd be mortified They walked by and saw us talking into microphones. I think I would just pretend we were

It also it's just like salt of the earth people be like what the fuck or what they've got maps open in their car They're drawing out roots. It's in this Silly aren't we silly? Goo doo doo doo. Get a water. It's going to be quite loud. Did you hit record? I hit record. Hit record as soon as I went to get a water out. A tiny water. A tiny podcast water.

Can I interest you in one or is that yours? That's my that's the host's water. Got it. We're in a parking lot of a Motel 6 in Big Springs. Big Springs. Big Springs. Little pussies. Big Springs type pussies. No, it was tiny pussies. It was tiny pussies. Big Springs, Nebraska, the Motel 6. You know it. You love it. No vacancy. No vacancy. We are not in the Motel 6. We are sitting in the car outside of the... We just peed in the Motel 6. We both just peed in their bathrooms, which are just above outside gas station bathrooms. Yeah, they're not...

Just, I mean, barely above a key on a giant wooden plank. They're not porta-potties. No. Which is, we should be... that's what we're doing today, we're counting our blessings. Yeah. All the ways in which this could be worse are the things we're focusing on, like that bathroom could have been worse.

This is a gratitude pod episode. That's right. This is a bonus gratitude episode. That's right. Are you feeling thankful? So are we. So are we. So we, well let's just.

Hit them. Let's hit them with it. Hit them with the truth. Hit them with the truth. Hit them with the facts. Katie and I drove from New York City to Denver, stopping in Chicago for Christmas. We stopped in Chicago, saw Katie's brother, sister-in-law, mom and dad, niece, sweet little Charlie,

and then we drove to Denver, had Christmas with Trish the D dish for two and a half days yeah and her dogs Myrtle. Myrtle's with us we should have mentioned that a lot sooner sorry guys co-host she's been in the car the whole time I hope you didn't say she's gonna be pissed she wants her plugs you can see her being a good girl on 8th Avenue she popped up you're good dog so we drove we took a little family car trip. He means we we split it up I did some driving. First off I'm gonna tell the people at home Katie got a bad drew a bad hand on the on the trip out and we were driving to Chicago while we stopped in mommy.

Mommy. I'm probably pretty sure it's not how you pronounce that. It's probably like Miami. Miami. Oh shit. Miami. It's Miami, but it's outside of it's near Toledo. It's in Toledo. Who fucking knows? We stopped there for a night But while we were driving out there I got done at the gas station refueled like halfway to the drive and then Katie took over and immediately started snowing We had no idea the snow just hit us and then Katie, you know, Boston chick fought through it fucking Boston I'm honest

There was like a five-minute span where I was like because you were a little panicky and I had to keep reassuring you. I was like, it's okay. I used to do a lot worse than this. But then there was this like five. Because I got, I got pretty, I got anxious. Yeah. So anxious. You and Myrtle. So meet me at 1130. Okay. But I, I, there was like a five minute span where I was like, okay, I'm a little scared. Yeah. And then it got better. It was fine. But Katie earned her CDL. So you can see her driving 16 wheelers, big rigs. I feel like I know the lifestyle now because this road trip has taught me things

that yeah, I probably should have known, but I didn't. Cause I don't go on a, I've never been on like a road trip. This is the longest road trip I've been on. This was a, through the middle of America, Heartland road trip. Yeah, I-80. Well, now we've renamed it I-K-80. I-K-80.

It's I-K-80. The bathrooms along the way, nice. Really not bad at the rest. Anything right off of I-80. Any of those gas stations right off I-80. I got a lot of fans from the bonfire that were truck drivers. Oh, really?

Like a lot of dudes that- That's high praise. It's very high praise. And I want to say, this is like when rich guys go play for the Yankees or whatever. This is like trucking fantasy camp. And I'm like- I want to know more about the showers.

Well you know you're might just like- I'm so interested in the showers. I saw signs for showers at a lot of these gas stations and I was like- A lot of notifications for showers. Do you have to pay? Probably. I wonder if they're free. One of the rest stops which was in ironically was in Amish country had slots like a little slot machines. Oh yeah gambling. Well you got to have if you listen if truckers are

stopping you got to have games. You got to have showers do stuff to do. Yeah, you're just like my If I'm doing trucker fantasy camp, you're like my permanent lot lizard I don't think I understood more than 75% of that sentence lot lizards or truck stop hookers. Oh But I was saying like, you know, I haven't seen one glory hole now, maybe that's right. But I was saying, like, if I, you know... I haven't seen one glory hole now. Maybe that's because I'm in the women's bathrooms. Maybe we don't get those. Do you want me to walk you in, like, when moms

used to take little boys in the bathroom with them? Single moms, and they'd take boys in the bathroom. I always hated it. I'm like, sorry that I shouldn't, but like, why is your son in here? And also, the son is always... Did you have to do this with Trace? Very young, and only a couple times. The son is... Sure. The son is always... Did you have to do this with Trace? Very young and only a couple times.

If the sun is up, sure. The sun is always an age that you're like, he's crawling under stuff. And I'm like, hi, yes it's me, Puss. Also, pretty inquisitive at that age. Yeah, I don't... Why does her pussy look like that, mama? How the fuck, how much pussy were you seeing? You don't really get anything.

You have to be under the toilet. Well, you know, or you wear shoes with mirrors on them. I hate having no idea how loud I'm being. I don't want the top comment on this to be that I'm shrill. No, you're not shrill. I got you. I'm probably overmodulating. Homeless pimp, of course producing it.

HP. HP, are you with me? I'm sorry, I'll never do that again. We both now worked with HPs, because I worked with Hunter Pence. Oh shit, two time World Series champion. Giants Hall of, Wall of Fame? Ring of Fame?

Ring of Fame, one of those. Hall of Famer, he's in all time. Ring of Fire, he's in the Giants Ring of Fire. Hunters in the Ring of Fire. Lot of people mulling about now in the parking lot. I think their realization is starting to set in that we might not be going anywhere tonight. Yeah. We got a full tank of gas though.

Have we already described what the situation is? Nebraska has shut down the main roads. You know what? We were saying car trip, but we weren't saying... We stopped. Yeah. Oh, we got distracted? Yeah. Crazy. Now I'm starting to realize why the bonfire never finished the topic. I'm like, oh my God, I have squirrel brain. So yeah, we're stuck.

Nebraska has closed their roads. We were in a kind of dicey situation when we were trying initially to like, okay, this road's closed, let's go get on the other one. What? Well, you're right, but I want to completely set it up because we got warning of it and we were like. I said, is this going to affect us tomorrow?

And you said. Oh, don't put this on me. You did say. Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby. No, it's not. You said, no, it's not. I said, should we affect us tomorrow and you said don't put this on me did say no It's not you said no, it's not I said should we leave the next day and you said no, it's gonna be fine You know what am I my mom Trish was I'm at home confident, you know, I take that shot Yeah, I guess I'm be fine. You guys got it when we were packing up today. She's like it's in Kansas Yeah, it's not even gonna be a problem now when you look at the map The only part that's closed down and a

problem is the part where we are. In Nebraska. In Nebraska. Big Springs baby. So what we think happened is that we were like the fourth wave to hit this wall that's been put up because they closed out. They closed the main artery roads. They closed. North to south. Any of the arteries that we could have used all closed. We looked as far as going like three hours out of our way and going down to I-70 to get east. And no, all closed. All closed. And so we think we weren't the first wave, because even by the time we got here,

there was no vacancy in the Motel 6. So we couldn't have been first generation. And I checked the DOT website. I'm deep in the DOT, Lauren. Let me just explain to you. And I don't know if anyone else is with someone like this, but it's so awesome to have Katie, because she's the scene in Forrest Gump where he's in Vietnam and they hand him the two guns and he just plugs himself in the hole.

That's what Katie does. She just deep dives on stuff. I was like, we're stranded, and you were like, all right, I'm on the Department of Transportation in Nebraska. I called 511. Yeah, she was all over it. I didn't understand what it was trying to say, but I did call. At that moment, you could have convinced me you had been a storm chaser before, the way

you knew how to get to the lines of information. I just know that somebody legally has to tell us what the fuck. So I went in search of an answer. And some of our joy has been sitting here reading the people that are more angry than we are because listen this sucks not gonna lie this sucks but but we're fine we're in our car we have a full tank of gas the cars running fine for right now we got heat we got gadgets we're doing a fucking podcast the Dan for Christmas from some sweet angel god this sweet angel with an asset don't quit it quits a lot of times got him a what's it called steam deck

yeah I felt so 40 I'm not but I felt very 40 buying it if you're a grown-up child it is like a Nintendo switch on steroids with a good processor. It's unbelievable. It's been playing Mad Max So anyway, this is in our blessings. That's what he got for Christmas and he got me my sweet king got me Note, what's it called noteworthy? It's that like paper it's a tablet that but it's paper And it converts all your notes into and nobody loves taking notes more than me In fact, I will tell you when we hit a wall on things to talk about in regards to today's travel, throughout our trip I've been keeping a document of the things that we can talk about on this podcast.

I know a couple things I want to talk about. I've got notes. And then, you know, obviously she's probably listening. Shout out to Trish. Hi Trish. For the socks. The greatest. Just dusting us with socks. Christmas dinner. Oh my god. Of all time. Yeah. My mom. Trish was in her bag last night. And you know I'm not gonna pull punches for the audience. She'd been boozing.

Who cares? It's Christmas. But it was amazing. I'm saying that. That she pulled that off. She pulled that off after like relaxing for a while. Could not have been me. If I, sometimes I'll be, I'll cook something and it'll be like, I got this. Cause most, I don't, but I'm like, I got this. And then I smoke a little weed. And then I'm like, oh, whoops. I left that in the oven for 45 minutes, too many. Yeah. We, we've been having a very fun trip. The drive out here was like, like it was quick,

it was quick, but we got caught with, I'm trying to remember everything that happened on the drive out here. Cause a couple of things happened. The thing, the main thing I want to talk about is we went to Chicago. Great time. Just a beautiful Christmas time. My little niece is the cutest. I guess our little niece, I should say, I don't know why we're both calling it mine. We're married essentially. We're not, but we are. Yours by blood, mine by relationship. She is the cutest.

Yeah. She's hitting that seventh six month Baby mark seven month baby. My dad is has a very high batting average with smiles I'm not gonna lie miles every time she sees his face. I'm a people pleaser So I'll tell you the stats right now 14 to 17 I am in the zone was looking forward to carrying that streak over when we return to Chicago. If we ever get there. This is just a hiccup. What happened the three times that you didn't get a smile?

Have you gone back over the tape? Yeah, don't think there was proper eye contact. Octave might have been too low. Sometimes you can't come in a baby with a low rumble. They actually can't hear in that frequency. You gotta go, hi. Yeah, we all gotta do, hi. Don't think that's mine.

If you think I'm giving it away on this podcast for free, not happening. That was mine. And now what a fool I am. What am I doing, free ads on Instagram for big headed hats? You stupid. Oh man. And I'll do it again. That guy was just working out of his pocket.

I'm getting harassed by a big head hat company because I bought hats from them for you for Christmas last year and now they won't stop emailing me. And their email at the bottom has a blue underlined word that says unsubscribe, and when you click on it, it's not a link. It's not a link. And I said, that should be illegal. Yeah, you can't go anywhere. You can't go, you can't leave.

Now use can't leave, is that what you were looking for? That's what I was looking for. Actually, what I was thinking is, you know how young people make fun of boomers for having lead in the gasoline and then, you know, like that's one of their things? Do you think we're going to find out, like, older millennials, something happened and that's why there's so many more big heads now than ever? Are there?

I haven't been keeping up with the stats. I feel like it's a... Is this just because you met my niece who has a big head? Listen, I think... She's in the 99th percentile So which I don't I still don't understand how that works That's like a you know you have areas in your life that are like your specific stupid that no matter what you do You're not gonna be able to fix it. You're just like this is just my dumb and I know that this is my dog Oh, yeah, I'm most nice percentile. I never understand so that means like she is

99 percent of the she has a bigger head than 99% of people ah So percentile high is good. Yes low is bad. Yes, okay, like out of a hundred percent of the people Yeah, she has a bigger head than I know I'm dumb and look I'm vulnerable right now But my thing is my brain always thinks like hundred percent 99th percentile means 99% of people are just like this Yeah, but what it means is that I get tricked on stuff like that. Yeah, I can't it's never it doesn't compute Well, listen, we're in a parking lot of a motel 6 in Big Springs, Nebraska, and we're learning stuff We're learning that Katie learned on the drive out here is that Katie has listen

I know about Katie's fear. She has a fear about... Well, we both learned this because I didn't know. Katie has a fear that she recently told me about. And can we say it's irrational before you say it? It's one of those things where your body experiences it and your brain doesn't understand. Yeah. We're like, why did the bottom of my stomach just drop out? Katie has a thing where I guess in your algorithm they started putting up videos of giant statues and structures that are submerged in water and it scares you. I can't look at it. I have to scroll past it.

They've been putting those deep-sea songs that go like which I can do perfectly which I can mimic perfectly which is as a voice guy as a voice guy you learn sometimes voices can be used for bad and like the first time I jokingly did that with you and I was going, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're like, hey, please, that legitimately freaked me out. I'm getting scared. I'm getting scared and you're freaking me out. Wiping your butt with toilet paper is so 2023.

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Continue we're driving to we're driving to Carnegie Carnegie, Nebraska Where I did very mediocre in the year 2000 in a football camp And got moved and we're all still thinking about it couldn't pass by the town without thinking about it And we're all still thinking about it couldn't pass by the town without thinking about it Heavy fog for some reason on this drive. We got on the way out to Denver. We got a lot of weather systems We got snow we got rain We got heavy fog and we're in the fog driving through, Nebraska very flat just painting a picture very flat state Nothing to your left or to your right, but you can't see you can't see because of that fog And then out of the darkness in the fog comes a giant wind turbine. Well there's a light. There's

like a red light shining down. So planes, you know, small planes don't fly. And so all of a sudden I look over and that's first of all the first I'm realizing anything's next to us. Because again, yeah you think it's just a cornfield. It's flat and it's foggy so I'm just assuming it's empty. And I'm made aware of this giant thing and I look over and because of the way the light is, only the, let's call it the shaft of the wind turbine is illuminated. And then, so you know, your brain probably knows what it is, but I look up and in the darkness, in the fog, it's night and fog. Yeah.

I can see the blade. Yeah. Like, above. Sticking down off the shaft. And it terrified me to know that to my right, there could be giants and I wouldn't know cause I can't see and then I just was very scared. Well, you looked over and saw it, immediately had that, yo.

Oh, stop doing it. You look, he looks, just so you know, he makes eye contact with me every time he does it. It's because I love you. I'm sorry I love you so much. And so that was, I realized, I mean, we didn't have to pull over or anything. We kept driving. It actually wasn't one of those things where she had a legit freak out. It was one of those things where she was like, I'm very scared and I had laughed at it. Much as I've said before on this podcast about my my aunt Karen's fear of little people, I thought it was very funny. I think you were young. Your fear. Well, yes, yes, I was, I was afraid of how funny she got over something that you thought it was funny how afraid she would get over just a person. Yeah. Yeah. And that's I thought it was funny how afraid you got over a wind turbine.

Coming out of the fog I get, but then we stopped in Kearney, Kearney or Kearney, I don't know how you pronounce it. And then we stayed the night and the next morning we woke up and drove to Denver and we were in like Eastern Colorado and we just see the most... Off in the distance to the right off in the distance off I a I likened it to the 300 army of it's just is like a on the distance you just see it looks like they're charging towards us. Yes. All wind turbines on the horizon and we checked and it went way and then we found out make

one thing clear. I support the technology. Yeah, I am for alternative energy sources. Sure. Do not get that confused, but you are scared. And they were coming for me and they were on both sides of the road, much like fossil fuel industry. You have a fear of winter. You heard it here first. Katie's big fossil fuel. What's with the ones that aren't spinning while we're ticking off wind turbine culture?

What's with the ones that are taking a break having a glass of water having a sit? then spinning Go to spinning, you know, you can't all spin Are you gonna push those cars off and I wish I hope none of you ever have to feel the feeling that I felt and then Have somebody humiliate you None of you ever have to feel the feeling that I felt and then have somebody humiliate you on a podcast. On a bonus episode for a podcast that's not even ad supported.

It is now, this will be. What are we brought to you by? By wind turbines. Feel the breeze. Scary, huh? Wind turbine. Boom. Right here.

We've been here the whole time, you stupid bitch. Ah. Yeah, that was fucking crazy. We're right here! We've been here the whole time, you stupid bitch! Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah! Yeah, that was fucking crazy! Here, listen, as someone that is not scared of wind turbines... I think he was also scared.

It was an RKO out of nowhere. It was the concept of there being able to be a giant next to me. A giant anything. And me to just foolishly think it was the plains of Nebraska, the stinky plains of Nebraska. Well, alright, on to the next subject. Dan can't smell, we all know that right, Dan's nose is blind. That's his handicap, I'm sorry for saying it so brusquely. And Katie is my smelling nose lady. That's right, and it's a burden more than it is a privilege.

Let me tell you, she's got a snooter on her Some socks and be like go find them I can walk into a hotel and be like there's been a mold problem Yeah, recently she has she has the opposite she has my smell is at zero Hers is at a hundred and I'd love To meet us in the middle because it's I don't know if it's at a hundred I'd say we're met like 90 anyway point is stuff that smells bad smells real bad to me Yeah, and she really can pick up a scent driving through, Nebraska. I should have thought right, but I didn't

That there's just so much because I think cows outnumber humans in Nebraska. By a lot. Well, from what you've seen, we drove through Omaha. I think it's like three to one. I will be Googling, but I'm gonna say three to one, cows outnumber humans in Nebraska. And so that means, you know, probably a lot of emissions, because don't they say cow farts are bad for the...

They say it causes a lot of, it says, it's putting a hole in the ozone layer. Yeah, if mine knows, stuff, if my nose, yeah, do we still care about that? Or do we move on? We moved on. She picked it up. My nose smelled those farts.

It's bad. It smelled like poop in pockets. At one point, it smelled like a very specific thing that I had to then describe to Dan, which is a tonsil stone. Shout out if you know what that is. Yeah. That's what it smells like driving through Nebraska.

And she, our dog had diarrhea the morning we left Chicago. Isn't that fun? That's a fun role. Consider that. Side mission. Put yourself in our shoes there. We, I mean. Ten hour drive. I had to wake up at 6 a.m. and walk Myrtle around Chicago and she did that thing where she was like, she notified us that she had to go out and I, for dog owners You know I'm talking about when you watch the poop go liquid where it's like solid solid We're pissing out our ass So I took her out a couple times we got her stomach empty gave her some water and got on the road and like

Hopefully she doesn't shit she didn't she didn't she did really good the smell in Nebraska for a moment so while it was happening Katie was like I was like is that I said check Myrtle's ass because it smells that strongly in this car no windows down windows all up and windows up and Katie getting like I could just like a phantom punch to the face you just like I put my blah, blah. I put my head in my shirt. Oh, I just popped my pee, I felt it. Sorry, pimp. I put my head in my shirt.

Yeah, let me. And sniffed my own boobs. Yeah, you were doing some. You weren't listening until I said boobs. That was the most damn thing I've ever seen in my life. You were like, my attention's on something. No, it isn't. Titty sniffing.

Yeah. What do you got? I sniffed my boobs, because I couldn't smell it anymore. What's wrong? Am I too hot? No, I think you're great too hot You've never been too hot, baby mean I'm always too. You're always too hot. I mean damn it. I'm gonna stay in the motel sex you stay out here

I wish I wish we could get inside But we're just in the parking lot, but we're lucky. I think we're lucky we got spots if If someone listens to this that was in this shutdown, because it seems like it's the ultimate speed trap. They got us to all stay in Big Springs, Nebraska. We saw a conspiracy, light conspiracy, starting to brew online between the Nebraskans, or people who are stuck in Nebraska and don't want to be.

Outsiders. That this is Nebraska just doing this to boost their local economy. Which, I mean, if I get mad enough, I could see myself jumping on that train. Of the like, this is big Nebraska. If it turns into a 10 a.m., we're still here. I mean, what will we do, sleep in the car?

Yeah, you ever done that? I don't think so. You've never slept in the car? I don't think so. I've done it twice. But if you told me I had, I'd go, that makes sense. I've done it twice. In this cold?

No, that's what I'm nervous about. It's 27 degrees right now, but it's 445. It's gonna get lower. I can tell you're starting to panic spiral, so let's pull ourselves back out. I'm not panicking, what are you talking about? I'm cool as a cucumber. I just started to go, oh shoot,

we really need to get out of here. Would you like to hear things on my list? Yes, I would. Also, if things get really bad, maybe this is off podcast banter things on my list Yes, I would also if things get really bad Maybe this is off podcast banter, but I'll just say to you if things get really bad They're re airing my jeopardy tonight We could go into that little diner tell them to put it on and we become local celebrities We win this somebody offers up their room to us. It turns from Big Springs to Katie Springs, Nebraska To know right off the I Katie. No you'd think I could open my own highway.

Well, you're panicky spiraling. Remember how you- The I, Katie. Shut up. Don't just try to throw something back at me. You've never once noticed when I'm freaking out. I notice every time. You know, you think I'm always freaking out because-

Most of the time you are. Because I'm like the Incredible Hulk. I'm always, you know how he says he's always angry? I'm always anxious. Hey, big guy. Hey. The Pony Express. Let's, oh my god.

Lasted for a little over a year. I feel ripped off. I feel betrayed. This is like when somebody pointed out that we learned the Nina the Pinta the Santa Maria, and why did we need to know the names of those ships, and why is it one of the only things from early school that anybody remembers? Yeah, it's like the pony I learned it cuz I did be see boys and that's

Not good cuz you should have learned it in school. Yeah, but that that was lame, okay Beast boys were cool. Yeah, you're not wrong about those facts. What am I talking about? I'm an idiot. I did learn in school Everything I said. Everything? Everything. Start over. Hi guys, we're outside of a motel city.

Everything's going great. We're about to drive to Des Moines. So we looked up the, what's it called, Pony Express. And now this is my brain is actively trying to forget it because I'm pissed about how much time I was told I was supposed to remember that this happened. We were driving down a road that said like Pony Express original, whatever.

And so I was, Dan goes, do you know that went on for like a shockingly low amount of time? Yeah, well there was a sign for a museum for the Pony Express museum. None of that matters. What are you doing? I'm just trying to get to the point a little quicker for the poor people.

I'm trying to paint a picture. Okay, you're over here rushing the fucking bullet points. What do you got? No, go ahead and say that the sign was specifically for a museum. I think they needed that extra piece of information. I'm just letting you guys know how we got there. Was there more?

This might be a date line. This might be a date line. Oh, shit. Yeah. You think I won't put you in a snowy bank? I won't. I would never do that. So Dan said, do you know that went on for a surprising

little amount of time? I think it was probably for like five years. And then I Googled it and it was like 18 months. That's crazy. Wasn't even that long. We hold that up as like, or 16, I don't know, I can look it up again. We hold that as like a sign of American exceptionalism.

As like we figured out how to ride horses from one side of this country that we kind of just stole it to the other side And it really was just for a year ish and you read about it died on the route Well, you got super into it. She she burrowed and on information I remember well know as you went in read that it went bankrupt. Oh, yeah, and then that was after that amount of time Yeah, after it wasn't affordable anymore And because all those people were dying and I also thought that it what probably the reason that we learned that It's probably because other

countries This is just a guess a Hypothesis if you will that other countries Had a similar system around the same time we're trying to get credit we want to say that we came up with it first now it only lasted this couple months but it failed but we did it first because that well like something we would do the funny part is that the telegraph came out like right after they did it for a year and then they're like

guys we have a telegram because we can tell her or telegraph whatever one and I get them confused as well but whatever one came out was like right when they did it for a year and then they're like guys we have a telegram because we can tell him or telegraph whatever one and I get them confused well but whatever one came out was like right when they did it so if you had the pony Express you were like this thing's gonna make a Julian dollars shit are you serious telegrams fuck me running can I like Tevo yes exactly what it is and the next year you were like, oh DVR's all on the thing you already have to pay for. And we're just gonna give you DVR. Just to paint a picture about what's going on

in this podcast, we're sitting in the car, it has now gotten dark, and looking at Katie, there is a stereotypical red light shining into the car from a motel that is flashing from the Motel 6 line. And it's really doing it for you? It is. So sexy. Thank you.

I just want to say, we're gonna hit pause. Okay. And we're gonna have, we're gonna tie Myrtle up outside. Okay. And we are gonna get after it. Oh shit, okay. I thought you were being serious. I was like, hit pause and then what?

What are we doing? We're gonna go inside and race. But then once you brought up sex, I knew you were joking. Then I knew that wasn't gonna happen. Because I've was in these spandex pants all day. Oh, yeah So anyway the polar express not real Funniest thing that came out of it somebody pointed out online that the Show about the pony express lasted longer than the pony express itself. It went three seasons. That's very funny That's very funny.

That's very weird. The second thing in this document said, wind turbines, scary actually. But we've already gotten to that one. We covered that. Scooters Coffee, we're not really that into you. Wow. We didn't give you that much of it.

We only went once. This might seem like an all out declaration of war on Nebraska. Nebraska, it's not. You randomly smell like shit, so does Colorado. We got Greeley, I'm not saying we're perfect. Scooters sucks, and you've been telling yourself it's good, and it's not.

It blows dong. It's just, you guys are trying, you're trying. It's all idea. It's all you guys are trying it's all idea. It's all ideation. No execution. I got a breakfast sandwich that was like a maple waffle with egg cheese sausage should have

been great should have been their answer to the McGriddles which it's about time somebody came for the crown. Someone else finally took waffle engineering seriously right realized it's a better sandwich bread than a pancake. A pancake falls apart all the time.

That's right. So for the waffle, it's sturdier. You got your traps for juices and shit like that. We were disappointed in you, Scooter. Ironically, the waffle fell apart. I could not eat it. I want to talk to you, Scooter. Scooter, if you're listening to this, maybe your son's a,

maybe you're a fan of Billions. Maybe your son's a fan of Billions. Maybe that's how you got here. Your breakfast sandwich sucked dick. And we were real excited about it. Yeah, it wasn't great. It was a big long line for this place. So we thought, there was a Starbucks right there.

We thought, let's go to the place that's, I mean, I guess it's guess since I've looked it up, it's really not local. I think it's like a lot of states in the Midwest have it. But there was a line for this place. We were like, maybe it's that. It was right by our hotel. It was, the line was long,

which you're like, in a town like this, in a town like Kearney, where there's- If you're gonna wait for coffee. It's gotta be good. No. No. Not great. Got on I-80 and it just was. Maybe we got him on an off day, maybe one of the high school aged girls that were working there that I

saw were going through something. I don't know and I'm sorry. Look, I'm sorry that I think Nebraska smells like poop and I'm sorry that I don't like the coffee at this place. But what do you want me to do? Lie? What do you want me to do? Lie to make you feel better? I can't do that. Ask Dan. He's dating me. He knows.

I try to get her to lie to me all the time. It would make things a lot smoother. I want you to act like you want to hear Macho Man Randy Savage more. And sometimes I do. Next thing I wrote, Howie Long slash Ali Wong. So. So we're, we've been doing some, you know,

Katie does, looks up articles. It's a long drive. When Dan's driving, I will try to like chime in with little interesting things I'm seeing on my phone. So the people that left out. The way out to Denver total was about 27 hours. We split it up or whatever, but while we're driving, we do different stuff.

Cause no phone while driving guys, don't be stupid. No phone while driving. No phone while driving. Saw a lot of people doing that on this trip. A lot of, and we listened to some podcasts of people we wanted to make fun of. That was very fun. You couldn't even get through it.

Almost threw up. But we also, she just, Katie's looking at her phone while she's driving and she just says- Not while I'm driving, no. No, I'm driving. Thank you. Yeah, Katie was the at her phone while she's driving and she just says. Not while I'm driving, no. No, I'm driving.

Thank you. Yeah, Katie was the passenger. Immediately the villain. So Katie's texting while driving. Katie's drunk driving. Even though she told you not to do it. Katie's hammered. I'm like, you need to pull over, there's snow.

And she said, fuck this snow, I got this. You're driving, I'm on my phone. And she said, what I hear is, Howie Long finally got a divorce. Oh Howie long got a divorce Oh, but they've been separated for about a year to which I said you didn't really care. I didn't really care I made the comment of we both think howie long's sons are cool Yeah, so we were like that's the sign of a good dad. So I bet howie long's a good dad

That's what I said. Well, I mean first you said oh and I went oh What do you have a problem with her? He was like, well, I don't really like him I don't I don't really have an opinion of him. I like his sons But and that's a sign that he's all the stuff you just said and I said Alley wall I thought you said Howie Long. I was like, that's a very funny mix-up that I can now see how that would happen. Yeah, you remember Howie Long's special baby cobra?

You remember that when he was pregnant and he did that awesome special? I love his sons. I was like, Alley Wong? Alley Wong, Star of Broken Arrow, the action movie from the 90s. So that's in there, Howie Long, Alley Wong? Alley Wong, Star of Broken Arrow, the action movie from the 90s. So that's in there, Howie Long, Alley Wong. Cozad, Nebraska. I think we thought we had fire on that, but I really don't think it's worth even revisiting.

Well, Cozad, Nebraska, we looked it up because we were like, Cozad, what are you? We looked it up because I saw on a sign it said like, Cozad Construction Inc. And so I thought that was the name of a company and then saw it named as the town, saw that it was the town's name. And stupidly, my brain went,

wow, a whole town owned by a company? That's what I thought. Instead of going, oh, they probably named the company after the town. And so I Googled it to be like, is this a corporate town? No, it's a town of like two square miles. We both had the same first thought which was that It was like a town like in Roadhouse that's all owned by a bad guy Who's like I'm Donnie Cozad everything goes through me and we looked it up and it is named after a guy

Yeah, but most towns are when the guy just gets drunk and was like this is a town now I'm a jim named after him putting your name down on something and then it's like you just drive This is Soder Montana Well, and didn't we find out that his son went on to become a famous artist. Yes, the the father was like a gambler a criminal, I think they said, businessman. They really made him look out to be a real piece of work. And his son was an artist in New York City. That's right.

Bright lights, big city. So you moved from Cozad to New York. That's a country mouse in the city. Marinatha Bible Camp. Shout out to Marinatha Bible Camp. It was a Bible camp on the mouse in the city. Yeah. Maranatha Bible Camp. Shout out to Maranatha Bible Camp. It was a Bible Camp on the side of the road. Not sure why. And I'm talking road highway. Like this was the major highway we were driving.

There was just, you could see peeking out of the trees or something. It just said like Bible Camp here. Come on over. What? Come on over baby. I saw a lot of weird religious symbols on this drive. You put up the one in Eastern Colorado of tiny Jesus big cross.

Tiny Jesus huge cross. Tiny Jesus big cross is if you're driving on, I think on 76, I don't know if it's I-80 anymore. I think it is on 76. If you're driving towards Denver on 76, it's like someone put it on the side of the road. And it's a little, it's like a outline. Like a wire frame, like a metal working sculpture.

It's almost 2D. Yes, it is 2D with a tiny Jesus and a massive cross. Carrying it on his back. You know. Which the wingspan on it did not add up. It was. I'm telling you, that guy, pure power in his legs. All power.

I'm nailing something to metal difficult. That ain't gonna work. So it was an interesting. Gonna bounce right off. It just felt ominous. There were a couple of like. Ominous. Ominous.

There was a couple of like, I don't know, we saw that big shrine up on the hill in, where were we? Pennsylvania. Outside of Omaha. No, it was Omaha. Oh, yeah, man, you're right. The shrine of a family or something. West of Iowa. Shit, it's Omaha. Oh, man, you're right. The shrine of a family or something. West of Iowa.

Shit gets, shit just starts to get weird. Well, it's weird to us. You know what, and we're also, I know this feels like we're Nebraska-phobes, but a lot of the weird shit did happen in Nebraska. We also- It did, it just did. And I get it, I'd be bored out of my mind as well. We are stuck in the-

We're stuck here. It's not being nice to us. Why do I have to be nice to it? Mean girl. I just give what I'm given. I reciprocate. Oh man, I wonder if we're gonna get out of here tonight. I'm starting to think we're not, because I'm not seeing cars leaving,

I'm seeing cars pull in. And here's the thing. Let me check New Jersey Dot while you go on whatever, just go on a little monologue. I don't mean to go off on a rant But we do have prime parking lot We are maybe 20 feet from the entrance of the motel 6 so we and I you know You know me I'm small talk Soder. I'll get in there. How you doing? How you been nice dog?

We I believe we will have access to the restrooms all night. There's a truck stop a little bit down the walk. It's kind of in the same parking lot. Not that far in a blizzard it would suck. But this looks like it's turning to rain. 36 minutes ago Nebraska DOT I-80 and Highway 30 those are our two main roads closed from the Wyoming state line to Lexington, Nebraska. Snow and high winds continue to make travel impossible. I-80, Highway 30, and all connecting ancillary roads do not have safe driving conditions. So do not move as of 36 minutes ago.

Damn. We may be sleeping in this car tonight. Well, we have enough time on the podcast, and I'm sure that people would like to know be sleeping in this car tonight. Well we have enough time on the podcast and I'm sure that people would like to know how would we do that. I would say we're probably does that seat drop down. Yeah I don't know that actually would even would help us. Right now it's providing a nice wall between the stuff in the trunk and the backseat or suitcasescases and wares. So I, but I do think the- Our wares from our travels.

Right now we have the ratio is that Myrtle has twice as much space as you and I. You and I are sharing space. Myrtle has the entire back seat. I don't think that would sustain. No, that will be vetoed. But I could see us staying in these seats and reclining. I think-

Cause you're not gonna fit laying down. No, my best bet, we're just spit balling. seats and reclining. I think because you're not going to fit laying down. My best my best bet. We're spitballing. My best bet is we sleep in shifts. No not at all. We both recline. We get our jackets as blankets.

We recline. I got my sweatpants. We can grab another thing of clothes to put his pillow. We do have extra clothes and we have jackets so we can sleep in here with it pushed back Yes, and Myrtle can sleep in the middle remarkable is the name of the tablet I got just popped into my head think I said it wrong earlier Revolutionary I was just thinking about how I would just sit here and write the next great American novel In the car outside of the I got about 50% left of my steam deck, so I'm Mad Maxing in ships.

Yeah, that's the only thing that's gonna suck is if that thing dies. Or what if I ask the guy if I go in there and charge it? You think he's not gonna take that steam deck? He can also probably explain to you how to use it. I got that knife. I'll keep that knife on me. You have a knife? Yeah, you've known that.

I thought you had pliers. No, I have pliers. You showed me those two little... You were like, I kept these on me. Yeah, I got those pliers. I keep that fang on me. I keep those two little you were like I kept these on me Yeah, I got those playing on those pliers on me that des gave out to me shout out to that shout out to des But no, I also have that knife that that fan gave me just in case some shit went down and I put it in The bag I told you things a woman has never said I have that knife a fan gave me Of course you should start having your being gifted lady knives.

Yes, of course. The knife that your fan gave you. When you start your eventual podcast, one of your gifts should be ladies bringing you knives. Should we bust out the pepper spray that you got me so that we have that in case of emergency? Where is that? It is in the box with the rest of the stocking stuffers. OK.

I can grab both things. The knife and the? Yeah. I can get to them both pretty quick. So don't think we know that if somebody could hear this. If this were live, we wouldn't be sharing our plan. But by the time you guys hear this, we're either dead or we've made it out.

We're back in the big city. Oh, having bagels with lox. I'm looking out my driver's side window up at the side. I'm wishing upon it. Oh fresh fish on a bagel. Our lights are still on. I don't know if we care but our lights are on. You can't turn them off.

It's all the way off. What do you suggest I do my love. What's. What about the end of it. Isn't there a little button on the end of it. Off. On off HBA only with auto light what the hell Since when am I supposed to understand what that means? I don't speak Nissan. Oh man. I just threw the turn signal on turn it off Do we just turn the car off?

Is that what you're supposed to do in this scenario? I don't think I think we'll get very cold very quick But the lights should be off so the battery well the battery won't die if the car's on, right? Yeah, the alternator's going. God, I know nothing. I either do I. I know nothing. I've just heard. We're so screwed.

We're fucked. And your listeners definitely know a lot. Like your type of people are like, damn. Well they, I am their silly boy. So they know I'm an idiot. I am their fool. You exchange laughs for their expertise. I am their, for their wares.

Say fix my car and I'll make you giggle. Yeah, and I'll bring belly laughs to you. I know. You do a really good job. Thank you very much. I have jester currency. Yeah. But I don't know what to do with it here.

There's a lady in the car directly in front of us. Yeah. That's just got a light on her. She does? Well she's shut the car off. Yes. She's, we're tougher than we are. Not us. We won't than we are. Not us.

We won't be doing that. But maybe do we do that to conserve? Gas? We had just filled up. We just filled up. And we are at a gas station. Yeah. So we're all right.

You know what we're gonna do after this episode? And we might, shit man, shit really goes bad? We might do a follow-up episode. These are bonuses. We could do a whole limited series. We could cut this up into 10 episodes, sell it to I Heart, get it out there. Done. And Myrtle's gonna get veneers. Road Chronicles, fresh teeth for Myrtle. Perfect. I love it.

I got my hair tits, my dog has her Hollywood teeth. And I'm keeping my bottom teeth crooked. We went straight to the dog. Don't affect no kisses. This is the way my mouth is staying forever because you know why? It lets you know I'm real. Yeah. Because every tooth I'm seeing on TV right now is blue and too straight. And I don't think just on like a evolutionary from an evolutionary standpoint, you cannot convince me to do something that

would cause me. Let me try to express this thought. I'm never gonna shave my teeth down to little spikes unless I have to. Which is what you need to do to get veneers. Because if I get veneers and something were to happen to one of them, and let's say we're in a post-apocalyptic situation where the world is over and you don't have access to a dentist, suddenly I don't have access to the ability to chew my food, and that's very important to my survival

as a human. So you will never catch me voluntarily relieving myself of like an instinctual something that I was given that I need. Not cutting off my opposable thumb if that becomes cool. Could I get braces? Yes. Will I? Probably. But I just want to get that out there. I'm not getting for near as far as I am so excited for your older braces phase. I hate that. I hate that. It's going to be hilarious to you. It's not going to be hilarious. It's like number five of my deterrence

of why not to do it. The other one is that I should have done it during 2020 when the world shut down and I didn't go on TV. But now here I am trying to get back out there and being like, your teeth are more crooked than they've ever been. You need to fix them. Would it upset you if I used the lateral lisp

to joke with you if you get your braces? I wouldn't have a lateral lisp if I know braces I know that and I know that But for jokes At which we've already established. We definitely need to have no because I feel like We could just you know be nice. Yeah for sure, but if we aren't being nice You can use the lateral lisp. I just want consent.

If it makes you happy, it can't be so bad. It can't be so bad. It can't be the best. If it makes you happy. Let me let that chopper sing. Let me just let it out. Please, let me just let this dog run, let this dog eat. I love you so much. We're at 45 minutes, which is an episode.

Is an episode. But then the bonus footage. Well, here's, yeah. Okay. It's fine. We might just do a full other episode. We can just wrap this up probably. Did we get to my entire rundown? No. But. But. We did address it. We got to some of it. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do a little housekeeping. We're going to check D.O.T. again.

D.O.T. stands for Department of Transportation. I thought they knew that already. I didn't. Nebraska dot, dude. We're going to learn about this. There hopefully hopefully there's no other episode. Hopefully, I hope this is the last we speak to you. No offense. No offense at all. None taken and none given, but I hope it cuts right to back to my big head on our couch yucking it up. With Roy Wood Jr. Woo! Woo! And then we're hanging out. But if not you know this was a long and arduous process. Could see

the Donner Party was through California. I think we're a little bit of a ways off. I wonder if we just call it the Donner party episode the Donner party Chronicles it is funny that we're shitting on the Polar Express the Pony Express and we can't even get out of where we're like we can't move I'm scared. I better play my video machines with my heat in my jacket and my hammock that my dog sleeps in in the back Oh, look at that. Oh, they got a light on. What do you think they're doing? Oh, they're moving around in there.

OK. What are we doing? I don't know. They're just trying to communicate with us. I think they're making TikToks. Just through flashes. Yeah. Hey.

S-O-S. Hey, friends. Well, they probably know we're podcasting. Yeah, they got a strobe light going on. I also was going to say, if anybody saw me doing this, I think I'd be mortified. If they walked by and saw us talking into microphones, I think I would just pretend we were mentally ill and not well.

And also, it's just like salt of the earth, people being like, what the fuck? They've got maps open in their car, they're drawing out routes. Drawing? Isn't this silly? Aren't we silly? People certainly want to hear our thoughts in this moment. Everything I'm feeling is unique and interesting. Somebody get this down.

Draft Kings! Don't forget about Draft Kings! Ah, fuck. I hope we survive. We'll see you soon, but I hope not. God, we love you. If we die, what a metal way to die. Find this SD card. Yeah, for real.

And then sing it from the biggest server. Sell it for money. No, that car's looking for parking. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Bye. Bye. Bye. Mass Christmas.