Soder - 61: A Series of Embarrassing Decisions with Sarah Tollemache | Soder Podcast | EP 59

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

Support the Sponsors to Support THE SHOW! Go to Zocdoc.com/SODER and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Jan 30 - Feb 1 - Winnipeg, Canada Feb 20 - 22 - Huntsville, AL Feb 28 - San Diego, CA March 1 - Los Angeles, CA March 2 - San Francisco, CA Follow Sarah Tollemache https://www.instagram.com/stollemache/?hl=en https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyI0le2-__E PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by    @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Winnipeg, Canada, January 30th, the 31st and February 1st. I will be at Rumors for five shows. Go get tickets at DansOtter.com and this time leave your infectious diseases to yourself. California, 2025, the end of February. San Diego, February 28th. Los Angeles, March 1st in San Francisco March 2nd get tickets on sale now DanSodder.com I will see you in 2025 and then other cities. Don't worry We're coming. We're putting it all together, but California you're up first on this theater tour. I'm very excited about this again February 28th. I'll see you San Diego. March 1st Los Angeles and March 2nd San Francisco. DanceHunter.com for tickets. Please buy them and I'll see you then. I just saw I read that book and Columbine by Dave Colen. Yeah. It's unbelievable. And the Seabald mom, who I just kind of saw on a clip

and she looks normal as can be. Klebold? Yeah, yes. Yeah, she wrote a book. How crazy to just be like, yeah, I had, you know. My son is one of the most infamous mass murderers in the United States. And she still lived in that town, didn't she?

Yeah, they're still in Wittleton. They, Klebold's mom released a book called, like, What If Your Baby Shot A Bunch Of Other Babies? I don't know. Yeah, kind of like that O.J. Simpson tactic. Yeah, here we go. If I did tell him to shoot up the school, here's how I would do it.

Here's what I would do. I think they were taken aback, right? Oh, like it was a surprise for both families, but. The one made sense, cause he, they said exhibited clear signs of psychopathy. Eric Harris. Yeah. And they said Klebold was the follower. Yeah, there's usually.

They just worked at the, at the Orange Julius or something in the mall. Right. And then they're like, you want to just fucking kill everybody? That's the thing that always blows my mind about these people. I'm like, how do they just fucking kill everybody? That's the thing that always blows my mind about these people. I'm like, how do they find each other?

Like pedophiles find, well, there's a website you can go to. It's also a child. But you know what? You're absolutely right though, because there's like good and bad meet each other. Like, you know the story of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards meeting? No. And they were like just on a train and Mick Jagger and Keith Richards meeting? No. And they were like, just on a train and Mick Jagger had a bunch of records, like blues records. Yeah. And Keith Richards was like, you like that shit? And he was like, this is like, I love this. I also love

putting on women's clothing and dancing. Yeah. Dancing. But then they made the Rolling Stones. Right, no I didn't know that. Paul and John meeting and then there's like, the flip side of that coin is Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris hanging out. For every amazing band, there is the Klebold and Harris meet up. There's a mass shooter. Yeah, well, this one made me laugh really hard.

Apparently, there was this well-known female band that it was like a Joe Jackson situation and he couldn't beat the shit, couldn't beat the talent into them. Oh, so they were like, they took the abuse but didn't have the Jackson five. They were still so bad and I was like, I wanna see that as a movie

cause that's so fucking funny to me. Like you still have to have a little bit of talent to beat the shit into. It is a spark. There needs to be a spark. And then the beatings are like oxygen to the flame. But when you're untalented, you're just dumping air on the logs.

Wet leaves. That's so, that bio movie where they're like, that's it. That's the song. And then they go, no, it's not even close. Everyone says that song really sucks. And they're mad at you. Yeah, that is. Cause you know, like with all those stories about like

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and stuff. Oh, there's more failure. Yeah. Than those success stories, and I actually wanna see those stories. I would love to do more. Cause I don't, I only care about, in a biopic, I only care about the first hour.

When they're struggling? When they're struggling. After they make it, I'm so uninterested. It depends. It depends on how they show the- The botchery? Yeah. Like a motley crew situation.

That was a horrible movie. Did you see that? I did with Machine Gun Kelly. Yeah, as Tommy Lee. Yeah. It was dog shit. It was so bad. I watched it when I was in Buffalo at helium.

It was like a Thursday night and I got like McDonald's. And I was- You're like excited. I was very excited. I put it on. I called, this is when I was still on the bonfire. I called Big Jay at 2.30 in the morning, like someone we know had died until he picked up.

And then he picked up and I was like, please watch this Motley Crue movie. It's the biggest hunk of shit I've ever seen in my life. I took notes. It was- They don't make biopic movies good anymore. No. They look, they feel like lifetime movies.

Like did you, like I saw the trailer for the Bob Marley and I was like, this looks like absolute dog shit to me. It looks like everything to me, and I don't know if this is probably just older age. Everything to me now. I worry about that. Everything looks like a 30 rock parody. Right.

Everything looks like it's like, Tracy, don't you remember when you starred in that Bob Marley movie? And he's like, I ain't even gonna smoke weed. Like I'm not allowed to. And then they cut back and it's like, that's how it feels. Right, it's so on the nose. It was because the trailer The I think the problem is we need to bring back trailer voice guys Right like the Pablo Francisco bits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, God bless. I hope you're alright Pablo

Cuz that Sacramento punchline video is so tough to watch or he's like you think I can't get back into this It's a man mentally snapped on stage. Have you ever seen that? Oh, and then you're just, so brutal. Just stand up, gonna be so brutal cause you're like, oh, he's still doing, he's trying to jam this bit that's like, we're not even doing this anymore 15 years later.

And you also know that like, he's just looking for that like pop to get out. Yeah, yeah. On stage or he's like, just give me a little bit of laughter so I can get the fuck. So I can say thank you, good night. Thank you, good night. But I think we need to bring back the.

The voiceover trailer. Like in a world. Right, there's one man. Yeah, those were. A little boy. Cause those trailers now show their ass too much. Yeah. Well, I also just feel like they're just so hokey to me. I think the last biopic was the doors.

That's a great one though. Yeah. And that one is really, I watched that pretty recently. And I remember just being like, do you think they were ever like, Ooh, things got really out of hand. What? For the doors, like Jim Morgan. Do the actual doors look like that? Yeah, like looking, cause that, they got,

it got way out of hand. Well, they were like partying and orgies and drugs and like all this stuff. I absolutely, everyone's human. Yeah. So there is a point, I don't care how fucking cool you are. Yeah. That's all a mystique.

Right. Someone woke up and went like, someone woke up in Zeppelin and it was like, So there is a point, I don't care how fucking cool you are, that's all a mystique. Someone woke up and went like, someone woke up in Zeppelin and was like, did you put a fish in a woman's pussy? And they were like, I did. And she was 13. Oh man, that's wild. I'll tell you what, you know that's the conversation

that Keith Richards is never gonna see in a light of day where he's like, when everyone's like, how is it different in your day? He goes, in my day you could have sex with a kid. And their parents would give it to you. Because you had a German album. We could. We had so many good hits, they were giving us their kids.

You could just adopt a 13 year old. Yeah, that's the bio, that's the bio pic you wanna see. Right, I wanna see. With the family where they go. They all did it. Yeah, where they go, Alice Cooper's coming to town. Stacy, we're going to give you him. We're going to give you, we're going to give you to him. Put on your crochet top.

I need you to be sexy for my favorite rock star. The Bob Marley trailer is like laughably bad. It's so bad. Cause he's like, that one part where he goes, everything gonna be all right, right kids? That's the song. That's the moment where they do it. Yeah. Yeah.

That's it. That's how I'm gonna get over on the world. I know. And then I- Three little birds. And I don't want to be disparaging to reggae. Yeah. But like, doesn't it all kind of sound very similar?

Uh-oh, isolate that. Blackmail. You're gonna have a lot of Jamaicans in your thing. They're back, what do you be saying in the reggae, be signing the same thing, you white lady. I love a steel drum. I love a steel drum too, but I-

Put the lightness in me, then just wants to hear Jane says. Right, right, yes. Jane says. I just wanna hear a crazy white guy. That's every time I hear steel drums. Jimmy the white guy. I go, oh, that's nice.

Do you have the white version? Yeah. For my little Anglo ears. I grew up in the 90s. Can I have Gene's addiction? We do it to food. Why can't we do it to music? That's why everything's fusion.

Right. Fusion's for whites. Oh yeah, it's to... Cause the real ones just... Bring it down a notch for us. Where they go, can you put a glob of mayonnaise in it? And they go, yeah, but it's not gonna be like Mexican food. And you're like...

Tex-Mex. Okay, but it's not going to be like Mexican food. And you're like, okay. So it's text. It's text max. Did you grow it up in Texas? Did you learn Spanish at all? And I worked in a restaurant for 10 million years and I never thought I was ever going to get out. Also I did payroll and I was forever arguing cause they pay attention to their paychecks. Yeah, because I don't know if you know this, some of them had to fight to get here and I'm pretty sure you care about your

hourly wage when you know, you had to sleep in a river and then fucking wake up and now you're working at a Chili's. You're like, carry that three. Right. Carry that three. I know you're like, it would, yeah. White people just get our checks and we go like, $2.16, it's so unfair when you got a stack of cash this big in your pocket.

It doesn't even matter. And it all gets taxed, you're not even taking, my paychecks in Texas were like five bucks. Yeah, that's, I would, when I worked at Dos Caminos, I would get paychecks for like $2.33. Yeah. I, I would, uh, when I worked at dos Caminos, I would get paychecks for like $2 and 33 cents. And then you would get taxes and they would be like, Oh, you owe us $6,000. It was brutal. But like, uh, the back of the house would try to scam the clock.

Yeah, they would. By the way, guess what gentlemen, you're officially American. You can go back and say, welcome to the United States. Welcome to the United States. Fuck yeah you scam the clock if you're on an hour early you do whatever you can. Oh yeah.

Bathroom breaks. But they weren't allowed to clock in unless a manager had to clock them in. And I always was like, that is so demoralizing. Like just fucking give them their five minutes. No, they have to go, all right, are you ready Roberto? I'm gonna, you're gonna start working the second I hit this button.

It's so demeaning. They're like, ready? Boop, boop. He's like, si senor. One more beep and then I go back to work. They're already working 70 hours a week. It's nuts. It's insane.

Did you have, I thought Mexicans worked hard. Cause I worked in restaurants in Colorado and Arizona. Right, I never understood the lazy stereotype. I was like, ah. They'll outwork all of us. Yes. Like that, however you feel, you know, I do believe we should just get super political. I know, I know. Shut down the borders. You're landing the plane and that's how I feel like when we have to maneuver

around these conversations. Well, there's a little bit of turbulence. Coming in dance, coming in for the landing. This is your social captain. We're experiencing some current events that make people angry. Mexicans work so fucking hard until I met African dishwashers. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

This guy, Lasana, Lasana, if you ever see this clip. Is this from Dos Caminos? I miss you, uncle. I miss you so much. I'd call him my uncle. He'd be like, I don't like you. I would make fun of him and stuff. I go, why are you so mad right now?

I'd be like, who are you? I don't like you. I mean, I can't say what he actually would say to me. I'll tell you guys off camera. It was very funny. I think it's just like- It upset waitresses. Oh, I-

They go, why does he say that to you? And I go, that's my uncle. And he go, fuck you. I am not your uncle. And then he got emotional when I left, when I quit, when I was like, I'm done. And he goes, you come to Ghana. I want you to see my house. I want you to, I have a big house in Ghana. And I was like, dude, I would fuck. I will go to Ghana. The sauna. If you're alive, I have a big house in Ghana. And I was like, dude, I would fuck. I will go to Ghana. Lasana, if you're alive, I got the cash now, dude. Let me come to your Guyanese house.

Katie, we're going to Ghana. Yeah. Going, going, Ghana. The dance owner challenge. Patreon. Put it on the Tron. But yeah, dude, like seeing those guys work. He told me that he had two different jobs, dishwashing.

Right, all their money goes back home. All of it. Yeah. And they're engineers back home. He's like, do you know that I did, if I put a lamb's heart into a man and he leaves, he is the president of Ghana. And please pre-boss your plates.

Like, scraping, like, fucking tacos off. And this guy's like, I am the first person to build a bridge in my town. And then I'm like, okay, but I need saucers. I need saucers. Where are the ramekins? Yeah, ramekins. I haven't done that in so long. I need ramekins for crema.

For crema. Cream? Crema. Sour cream. And he'd be like, dude, but yeah, he told me that he worked, because I worked lunches with him, but then he would go work dinner at a different, completely different restaurant. Yeah. I don't know how they do it. He told me he slept in the park. I was like, where do you live? He goes I sleep in the park

Yeah, and then if you get like a gym membership, you can just take a shower Yeah, sometimes I do think of like I think I know how to cheat the system if I got down on my luck I think I could I think I could do it minus the rapes. Yeah, but I think I could do it That's always the thing I never think about right the sexual assault I can sleep under a bridge. I'm a I'm a tough gator to catch I when I try to change my son's diaper It's just like that I feel like I'm actually like about to sexually assault him where I'm like, get your hips straight. Give me those legs.

He's like, like the way his leg. He's like, ah, have you, have you and Jobin became comfortable being pissed on? My relationship with Poo, and I have to call it Poo. Cause it's from the most innocent butthole. The sweetest little boy. Ever see, like there's no, it's like Louis bit. Oh, you see it come out?

There's no anger or bitterness, but you do see it. Yeah, you see it come out and you're like, I'm used to it on me. I don't even care. There's sometimes you'll just go to bed and be like, I'm pretty sure it's in my hair, but I'm tired. Yeah. And sleep is way more important than cleanliness.

Right. All of that goes out the door, but yeah, you get peed on a lot and I love it. You're like, oh, is that all you got? And he's like, I don't know. Yeah, I mean that getting pissed and shit on, no one ever talks about how quickly you become comfortable with it.

Oh, easily. I mean, because there's no time. I can't smell, so I think I'd be fine. All that baby stuff seems so innocent. Pea's pretty much watered me. Yeah. Yeah, not that I'm drinking it. But it's so light and just like water.

It's funny that parents and men talking about girls squirting is the same energy. Right, right. They have Venn diagram where they go, it's just piss, and it's water. men talking about girls squirting is the same energy. That's Venn diagram where they go, it's just piss and it's water. It's no, it doesn't even smell. Yeah, it's sterile. Dude, if it's on your sheets, it's fuck, it's there.

It's like super sexual deviant creeps and parents. And just rationalizing it. Yeah. Whatever man, it's just piss. I will go, well, we do pee on jellyfish wounds. So that's antiseptic, right? So- A lot of Major League Baseball players

that would piss on their hands to make them calloused. Yeah. To grab the bat. So is it that bad for you? If it was good enough for Moises Salou. It's good enough for me. I think it's good enough for you. Right.

I think that's what we're deciding. We saw each other on, that was the first time I met Marty. Yes. Which is, that's on me. I told Joe yesterday, I saw him. That's all right, well now we live in the city. I know. But it's just as far as Astoria.

No way. Right, we did the math and it's kind of just the same. Well I saw Joe at the cellar and he's like, I'm back in here, I live in the city. Yeah. And I was like, how far is it? And he's like, still 35 minutes away. That's wild. It's so funny where I'm like, but it's better. Sure. Aesthetically it's better, but Joe and I, uh, everyone's hot in our neighborhood and we brought, we brought,

we brought it down in a little bit. Yeah, but you know, we're striving to be tense I oh man, you guys know hard. I know well Joe got Yeah, he's doing it. I'm gonna go to Turkey and get my abs sculpted. I Already got my hair done. I'm gonna get my turkey for that. No, I did it here Well, apparently all men go there to further hair plugs and And there's just a, on the way there, it's just a plane of male pattern baldness. Oh yeah. And then it comes back and it's all swabbed out.

Just quaffed. Just wounds. Just, yeah. You just see fucking gauze on people's heads. Matteo had a great line in his special where he's like, it all looks like Mars attack. But they, but Turkey doesn't, Turkey's got the rap. You know, I talk about it on stage

about the hair transplant, but they also do these things that Katie showed me on TikTok where they have like these wonderful hospitals that are like spas. And it's still cheaper than our medical system here. It's cheaper to fly to Turkey and they do a full- And treat you nicely. They do a full workout.

They go like top to bottom. I kind of want to do that. I've thought about it. I was like, I don't know if I can do the Botox and filler. No, no, no. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about they check your heart. I want to do plastic surgery. Oh, they do? No, they like check you for cancer. They do a cancer scan. They do a calcium buildup in your arteries. They do everything. I kind of, and it's one day. And by the way, it's like, literally, in Turkey, like, it's cool. It used to be the epicenter of culture. You got Africa and Europe meeting together. Hello. And a port. And I can find

out if I can keep eating sweets late at night. Right. The most American thing. I just want my sweet treats. And then after did you get some Turkish delight, which is the most sickly sweet thing you'll ever eat. Turkish delight is beautiful. I love sweets. Oh man, I might even get another fucking round of hair done when I'm over there. Who knows? I've thought about getting hair plugs. Really?

Yeah, cause I feel like after you like have a kid, especially as a woman, you just, you just bald and he rips out all of my hair. He's just hands right now. It's like an abusive husband where I'm like, it's okay, I'll stop, I'll stop, I'll stop. I'm sorry baby, I'm like, okay, I'll stop. I'll stop. I'll stop. He's calling a baby. He's a baby baby.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your friends. Can you not tell Joe about that and just do that character the next time he does it with Joe's like unprompted. Go Joe. Look, he's an abusive husband. Yeah. I'm sorry. Baby.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. He's just like, laughing. He's like, ha ha ha. Because the grip, it's like right at the root, and they get you in the most sensitive areas, like the little hairs right here and here, and then you're just like, oh my god. Yeah.

And it makes me, it really tests your patience. Sure. Yeah. Well, it's a person abusing you. Yeah, it is tests your patience. Sure. Yeah. Well, it's a person abusing you. Yeah, it is. That you're in charge of. And that you can't, you can't fight back.

No, and if you do, the state will get involved. It's a real big problem. Yeah, there's a little thing called child protective services might come by. And then, but what if you showed them the video? Because he pulls my hair and CPS goes, yeah, I think you're good. Especially like in Texas, just like,

I'm just defending my home. Stand my ground. They go, miss, he's nine months old. You shot him. Point blank rage to the chest. He had no defense. There was not even a defense wound. He just completely fucking took that bullet to the chest.

Just annihilated him. When I saw you go to Texas Oh, man, when you're a hypochondriac listen, I have a head cold. I'm getting over a head cold and Nothing makes me want to talk to doctors more than actually being sick. I always want to talk to doctors cuz I'm a hypo hypo but Man when you have a head cold, you're like, please was it cuz I went to Florida Man, when you have a head cold, you're like, please, was it because I went to Florida? But with ZocDoc, bam, free app, it's a website where you search and compare high quality in-network doctors, choose the right one for your needs, and then click to instantly book an appointment.

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to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z O C D O C dot com slash Soder Zoc doc dot com slash soda. It's it's always crazy hanging out with you because you feel like the least Texas person I've ever met in my life. Well you're from Houston. I am. I say y'all but my parents weren't they're not they immigrated here from South Africa. So I feel like we didn't, aren't like generational. Once Mandela got out, they're like, I can't stay here. I gotta go. They're like, that Mandela's a problem.

That's so funny. You know, Sarah's parents, I'm gonna start spreading that rumor, you know Sarah's parents were like super against Nelson Mandela. They started apartheid. Yeah. Do you know Sarah's last name is originally apartheid? And they changed it to Thaloma?

Although I do have to tell you whenever, I always kind of keep it light that I don't, I don't tell people that I am from South Africa because I automatically feel. Bad? Yeah. Yeah, have you? Even though we are of not Afrikaners,

but we are of English descent, but same thing. It's colonization. So how did your parents were from, do your parents' parents were from England? My mom's parents are from England. My mom's from England. She immigrated to South Africa when she was eight, cause my, um, grandfather got, he wanted a professorship and he couldn't get it in England.

And then he found one in South Africa at the university in Johannesburg. And then my dad is several generations. Yeah. No, just English descent. But is that like, um, is that like when white people here to get out of the slavery thing, we go, my grandfather came over from Ireland and you go, well, he was here. Right. We were going down and you go, yeah, but I'm not bad. But I'm not bad.

I didn't own slaves. I had Dr. Dre's the chronic when I was growing up. I'm not racist. Yeah. Right, well, that's also, I always think about that, you know, you think of like, people kinda maybe shit on Jay-Z

having started with like drug and pimp money and Dr. Dre. And you're like, then when you do history and you find out like all founding fathers and a lot of their money is just all based on like rum sales and sugar. Like booze and cigarettes. Yeah. Tobacco and booze.

They're just selling parties, dude. Stealing, like going underground money. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Everyone had a... It's all like stolen money that we have the amount of wealth that starts. The Rockefellers didn't make their money from hugs. They met it from being like fucking steel barons and shit.

Like there are no Oprah. Yeah. No, not easily beginnings. That bill Burr joke that he used to have is completely true. He's like, Oprah built her whole empire on the backs of little people and fucking carnies. That is true, exploiting. Her show back in the day was like, trash. I've got to, you know, they'd be like a hooker versus her pimp. And you're like, what is this? And then now she's like, there's a chocolate chip cookie

that I absolutely love. Right. And you're like, no, no, no. It's underneath your seat. Yeah, that's why. Yeah. Eat it. Eat it in front of no. It's underneath your seat. Yeah, that's why, yeah. Eat it, eat it in front of me.

Because I dropped it there. I had it taped under there by someone I don't pay a livable wage, you stupid fucks. But yeah, I mean, that is like, so they moved from South Africa to Texas. Well, cause- They're like, do you have anything equal racist in the States? Exactly. Well, the funny thing thing is like they thought there was too many guns,

people owning guns in, uh, South Africa. That's the, yeah, that's the funny part. Yeah. Where I was like, oh, well you just moved into the heart of it. She goes, Hmm. Could we have it be more aggressive and open? Yeah. And it's just, it's almost just the same. Like when we go to West Texas, my mom says it reminds her of South Africa. Really?

Yeah. Do you guys ever go back to South Africa? I only went once. My mom had to go back a few times, but then all of our family is pretty much not there anymore. Okay. They're moved to Australia. Damn, they just keep moving.

They do. The second they go, it's the thing about us, you might think we're in South Africa, but we're in Australia. And you go, is Interpol after your family? I'm trying to follow it. Next time Joe comes over,

I have a cork board with like your family. I go, here's the thing. Follow the money. Follow the money. It goes back up to England. It goes to Australia. Yeah, that's, it's cool when you have parents from different places because you get

a whole different perspective. Yeah, I always felt there's like, you feel like an outsider. Also, we weren't religious in the town. I mean, most of Texas is, maybe the city's not. It's pretty liberal in all the Texas cities, but like the suburbs are just Christian and wide. But that's everywhere.

Yeah. Oh, everywhere. I mean, Colorado's like outside of Denver. It's just like. But it gets like silly. Like I remember my brother playing with these like red, muscly devilish toys, like a He-Man offshoot. Shut up.

I forgot the name. And one of the parents wouldn't let their kid play with the toys because it felt like it was demonic. That's always fun. I know, but it's so silly. But then you go, well, we know which family to fuck with in the neighborhood. Yes.

Because they're scared of toys. So imagine what we can do. We could really open this up. We're gonna have a lot of opportunities. It really shows your weakness when you start talking like that. Yeah, don't you fear where you go, is that a devil toy? I know.

Well, one time I remember talking about evolution. We had a New York, a teacher from New York move down, Ms. Winneke. Which is that's fuck dangerous minds. Right. Coming down to Texas in the 80s talking evolution. Well, I didn't even think this was anything crazy. I just started talking in the car and I was like, isn't it crazy that Miss

Winnock said that we there's a might be a missing link between us and like monkey and the mom that was driving us to soccer was like, what? I'm sorry. What's going on? And she's like, I'm sorry. We are derived from Adam's rib. And I'm like, that's even at that age, you're like, that's so silly.

Can you just treat that as a story rather than like facts? It would be much more effective if you treated it as a story. Isn't that just an allegory and not literal meaning? And by the way, if that would have been the ex, that's how they could have got me. Right. If they would have gone like, well, it's an allegory and not literal meaning. And by the way, if that would have been the ex, that's how they could have got me. Right. If they would have gone like, well, it's an allegory. It like means something because, you know, we evolved from, we probably think the same group or tribe and Pangea just kind of makes sense with everything together. You know, that's why they call Africa

the cradle of civilization is because they believe humans. But instead of just going, no, we're a rib. You go, well, now I'm fucking out. From a man. Yeah, a man. Name Adam. A guy. Yeah. Which by the way, if you've ever read the Bible, you know that they say that Adam was 930 years old.

Right. So you're like, well that's fucking. Which is like, that's ridiculous. That's an old rib. He's a vampire. Yeah, a vampiro. What a great, I think we just found our our new project We might have to edit this out. We're writing Adam and Eve, but Adam's a vampire. He's a vampire

vampiro The original we're doing the Bible but with vampires We have a franchise we become like the new JK Rowling where I go, I don't like male trans. There's just like one thing I don't like here. I'm fine with trans, not guys though. Yeah dude, that's like my mom,

my mom was raised an Irish Catholic, like very Irish Catholic and then she got married in college and it was like a mistake so she got divorced. But Catholics don't care. So they're like- It's weird. It's like, it's like bad Baptist, Presbyterian, light Methodist.

I don't find Methodist as bonkers. Well, my dad was Episcopalian. Yeah. So that's what we are. That's light Catholic. That's like Catholicism. Well, it's funny when you find out that it was just created cause the King of England wanted to get a divorce.

So he made up his own- Right, which is so funny because he wanted a male heir, right? Yeah, where he was like, this, this lady's giving me chicks. God talk to me, I got a new religion. Which is funny because we find out now that man is responsible for gender. Male.

Are they really? The male, like, you're the one that dictate more of what the gender's gonna be of the baby. Yeah, you got all that lady cum in you. You do, because we're just like, what are we, we're YY and you guys have XY's. Do you guys create the- Why's your cum all lady-like?

What are you, gay? Yeah! Making all these ladies? If you're a fan of the show and you have a husband and you have three daughters and your husband has ever blamed you, just make, please call your husband's cum gay. What do you, you mean some more chicks?

I know you're the one with the gay cum. I just say that at a party. Don't say that anymore, don't say that. Yeah, I mean, he just created divorce. Right. And then that's our religion now. Because you want it out, right. But that's how I feel about like with all the molestation and then Catholics get so but hurt when you bring it up.

And then I'm like, well, they really, some of them actually get very, but hurt very victims are the most but hurt. What are you? But heard he was like, I was raped. Yes, yes. Yeah, if that's the way you put it. Someone taking butt hurt seriously. What are you, butt hurt? Yeah. Yeah, I was. I had to have stitches. He ripped me.

I'm only now just shitting properly. Yeah, it was, you know, I had a catheter bag. I had to shit in a bag, because I got poor up, but her, cause I got, or as you like to call it, but her, that's what they call it in the rape statement. You were butter. No, I got raped. He's like, all right, well, we'll, we'll clean that. We'll clean up the language in the police report.

It feels like that's what the priest would tell them. Like, come on, line up. You're just butt hurt. That's all. Father McMillan, you told me to keep that a secret. But you were saying with the molestation. Right, I'm like, just start another part of Catholicism. We do it all the time with every kind of cultural group

and religion. It's every, by the way. I don't know what name it would be called. I was trying to. Catholic without rape. Without the molestation. C-W-R, C-W-O-R, Quar.

Adult only, adult only Catholicism. Cause that's how you get rid of the problem. So you stop having these sexy boys around. Right. Now here's the problem. It you stop having these sexy boys around. Right. Now here's the problem. It's adult men choir. Yeah, where they're like, oh, it's all just bass. Oh, no.

It's like enigma chanting. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, da, da, da, da, ha, bish, ha. Yeah, dude, that, like, my mom got kicked out of being Catholic. Did she really? Yeah, they're like, you're excommunicated. You got divorced. Yeah. Can't be a Catholic anymore.

That's so weird. But she's still like, and I love my mom for this cause she still has a loyalty to it. Right. But not, she didn't force it down my throat. She'd make us go to church on Christmas and Easter. Yeah, yeah. Cause she's like, those are the tent pole.

Those are the big ones. That's like, those are the, those are the 10th poll. That's when God comes in to manage. God gets dressed to leave the house on that day. Most of the time you're just barking at God. That's God putting on shoes. He's the CEO coming in just to make sure the employees are showing up. Superintendents in the school.

Just fucking have a good day, all right? This is everyone be nice. It's his kid's birthday. Every other day. He's not there, he's not taking drugs. Let's let him have a little fun, all right? But we would go and I remember like stuff in the, stuff they would say in church didn't make sense to me.

And I remember my mom, watching a single mom get frustrated with like child-like questions. It must be so aggravating to be high up in the church cause you must get questions all the time. All the time. Well, also you have a lot of a majority, a lot, not a majority, a lot more people now than ever going, well, that shit's not real.

Right, right. Like saying your boss isn't real. Yeah. You go, no, my boss is real. And they go, is he though? Is he? I haven't seen him at the store. I don't.

What has he done for me? Yes. And you go, I don't know. He's got a lot going on. Yeah, he's just busy. Why has bad stuff happened? You go, oh well. He only gives it to you what you can handle,

which is so insulting to be like, you're a dumb idiot. That's why your life is privileged. Dude, the thought of me trying to- The reason why I have an autistic son to be like, you're a dumb idiot. That's why your life is privileged. Dude, the thought of me trying to- To be like, the reason why I have an autistic son is because God only gives me what I can handle. So that's what I can handle. It's a lot. And you can't. And you can't, cause you're a pussy.

That's why your children are all like perfect. Oh, I'm at a proper reading level. God thinks you're weak. It's also really funny, like saying that God, like if I did that to Katie, where she goes, we haven't gone out in like a month, I go, well, I only give you what you can handle. She goes, what?

I can only give you, I saved my toughest battles for my strongest soldiers. And she goes, I want an easy day. No, no, no, no, no. You get nothing. You get nothing. We're gonna make this tough on you. Which is kind of like how it is to work in corporate.

Anytime you work really hard, they don't reward you with less work, but they give the person. That sucks. That sucks, they get promoted. Yeah, I mean, I think I would go crazy if I worked in the corporate world because it's,

it's a wild ride. How long did you? I've done a few. I did property management and I've tempt and it blows my mind. Like I had low self-esteem for the longest time. And then when I started, I never thought about like applying to anything that felt like a lot of money

yeah, and then when I kind of I When doing stand-up and then having to temp my family would always be like I kind of Eastern promised my way into companies Like I didn't have the give-a-fuck attitude So all of a sudden I would get promoted a lot and they liked me because you just clock in and clock out do your job and you don't do anything. So that's how you, I got rewarded all the time. Were there people that were not temporary, but like permanently, they're like mad at you. Yeah. Well, because like, I'd be like, well,

I'm just telling you right now, I do stand up and um, I need certain, you know, like if I go on the road, can I have, they're like, yes, and as long as I would do my job. And then I would put in, I would send in the email and everyone in the office would get alerts of when I was off and there'd be this one girl that would just be like, like slamming.

Like the keyboard down and walking off because she never got that. And I was like, I know. And then, but then I was like, yeah, but you need to establish your boundaries in the very beginning. It's almost weird how people respect you. Well, honestly, there is like, um, there's a lot of people that. Trust people.

They shouldn't. Yeah. Especially when they're getting hired where they go like just, they're just grateful for a job, but they don't realize it's like kind of a mixture of what you're saying about back a house, people caring about the hours. Right. And you're not giving a fuck.

It's like when you treat it like a business and it is what it is, you're establishing boundaries. Right. Where you go, hey, you're my boss. You're not my fucking friend. You're not this. Yeah, I'm going in, I'm clocking in, I'm clocking out. I'm not doing extra after this.

Yeah. I will do what I consider the bare minimum, but what you think is your bare minimum is like 100% in regular world. It was mind blowing to me. I just realized you do not need to be smart in life. You just need to show up and be somewhat pleasant. If you- And you will go far.

Easy to work with. Right. Is the key to all success. If, cause I'll tell you right now, no matter how fucking talented you are, if you're a headache and you walk in the room, people are going to go at first with your talent, they're going to be like, he's so talented.

Right. Then that new car smell wears off and people just go like, yeah. Are they bringing the heat? Yeah. And then they go, I like this early stuff better. Exactly. They'll like find a way to make it be like, yeah, I don't know. He's kind of a dickhead. But also that works for all the young men watching that works on getting women, being honest and setting boundaries. Just going up and be like, hey, I'm kind of busy, but I would like to hang out once in a while.

I can't really promise you anything. You find most women go like, okay, that I need to see you. Yeah, I must have that. Cause I spent a majority of my early 20s. You can't be too thirsty. I'll do it every fucking love. And they go like.

I'll drive you to the airport. Oh my God, I'll sleep at the foot of your bed like a dog. Just touch it once. And then you realize that they're like, I don't need that. Gross. That's why they always say that a nice guy's finished last. It's not nice guys, it's doormats. Right. If you go like, shut up idiot.

Yeah. Hi. Hey. No, yeah. It's shaking his head, but you know, I'm right. They're like, hey. No, yeah. It's shaking his head, but you know, I'm right. It's like, it's the thing you learn in life where you go like, oh, if I care. Dude, I remember fucking caring about getting into comedy clubs in New York City and like laughing

and like owner and be like, oh, right. Oh, and then just absolutely getting butt fucked and then being like, yeah, we're not gonna give you any spots. And then the second I got comfortable at like two clubs, all these other, and I didn't care. Right, that's why when people are like, how did you get in here?

And you're like, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I honestly fell into it. I felt, cause it doesn't make any sense. And then when there was a time where people are like, you gotta, you gotta hang out at the clubs. And as soon as I stopped preening at the bar, or like I remember being like new JFL, new face auditions

and being like, I should probably stick around and like, talk to Jeff and Robbie. I need to see what they think about my shit, how it's flowing out. And then they go, good set. And then they walk away and you go, dude, I remember Joe and I going to like, he was auditioning for Montreal

and Joe and I go into like three different bars with groups of people because the Montreal people were going there. And it didn't- And then kind of like preening across the, like, you know what, like you get so embarrassed for yourself, but you just feel your body language, like, kind of seeing what they're doing.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like laughing like that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I never thought about it like that. Just side eyeing while you're laughing. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, beaux suis, beaux suis, sorry, I speak a little French. It's probably pretty helpful in Montreal. Oh, savant? Yeah, and oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Just For Laughs is a comedy festival and it was a big deal to get new faces. It's a big deal. And then I also, I stopped doing this. Do you ever do this for JFL? I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can go on the family vacation because I might get callbacks. It's so embarrassing because I missed out on so many great personal moments of just being connected with my family for a positive millennium. I might get to go to Broadway at 7 p.m. on a Thursday and fucking bomb in front of two Canucks that don't give a fuck about my career because I'm not heavily managed. And then when they just tell you that,

they go, by the way, it's all rigged. It's all managers and agents. And then we give unrept to the people that we think are funny. And you're like, Oh, cool. Well, that fucked me up. Thanks for fucking up my last five years. But I mean, that's like, that's, that's kind of what that whole thing is, is like acting like, you know, you're like, I, I'm

gonna wait, I'm going to wait. I remember when I auditioned for, we both, by the way, that was 10 years ago, we both got so close to getting SNL. Oh yeah, I got, yeah. You submitted a writing packet. They told me I got like in the final draft and then never again have I ever been in the circle. That was me and you, we were both.

I know and I went, I'm like, can I use that as a credit? Yeah, that's so funny. Can I show the email? She got pretty fucking close to getting a writer on SNL. And it's so sad to like try to lightly bring that up in conversation when to your mom's friends. What are you up to, Sarah? I got pretty close to getting SNL in 2014,

but they went with Pete Davidson and a guy that I think's out of the business now. So. Right. But dude, I mean, we would have been miserable there. Both of our personalities gone. I still would, I wish, but I just really don't see them opening the portal

up to a 46 year old woman. No, you and I are both cooked. Yeah. There's no way I would have to go on there to play exclusive grandpa roles now. I know. I play Marcelo's abuelo. What's a grandpa in Spanish?

Abuelo, yeah. Abuelo, what's grandpa? I don't know. I would just be dressed up as his abuela. Right. Now it's gender norm fucking libs. Yeah, how does the Spanish language maneuver this new day and age?

Grandma, grandma. I die. I all the different genders. Yeah, they're it was 2014. I screen tested, but I was doing a show with I was writing a cartoon with Brian Tucker. Yeah. And you submitted it.

And I was like, my friend Sarah submitted. And then he read your packet and he was like, she's fucking awesome. And I was like a cartoon with Brian Tucker. And you submitted it and I was like, my friend Sarah submitted and then he read your packet and he was like, she's fucking awesome. And I was like, right? And then- I don't know why I didn't get it. I'll tell you why. Let me know.

And you're gonna know, the second I say this is true, it's because we both daydreamed about it happening. And that's what you never do. You never count your money. You never spend the lotto money before you win the lotto. And we were, I don't know about you, I was spending that lotto money in my head. That's what's so funny when people are like,

dream boards, I'm like, dream boards? Yeah, your vision board could suck a fat one. It's definitely not working. Your dream board should be everything you don't want. Yeah, like cancer. Right, like a. An IRS audit, you know? And then you're like, yeah, kind of avoided all. Yeah, like cancer. Right. Like a- An IRS audit. You know?

And then you're like, yeah, I kind of avoided all these things, because I- Right, everything that I've like ended up getting was inadvertent and not because I tried hard to get into it. It was this, I got everything I've gotten in the same way that a friend gives me a drink at a party. Right.

Where they go, hey, I got you this. And you go, oh, thanks, man. And then it's back to life. No one's ever like, congrats, you made it to the next level. Like I've never had that moment. I got one call, the SNL year, where I did the live UCB. Which I should have just done standup, but my agent at the time was like,

no, they really want you to see you do characters. I'm like. You should never listen to other people. They're naysayers. They're also, they don't know, you know how you're the funniest. Right. And they were like.

What you're the most comfortable with too. And I do voices in my act. Right. So it's not like you're not gonna see me not do voices. Exactly. But I got the call and they were like, they wanna see you at 8H. Like they wanna see you at like screen test.

And I remember being like, but this is why I brought that up. Why it fucked up something. The same way that you're like, I can't go on that family vacation. I might get a call back. I did the screen test and then they were like, for two weeks they're like,

Lauren could call you at any moment. So I just kept being like, for two weeks, they're like, Lauren could call you at any moment. So I just kept being like, no. I know, and you're like, every unknown number you're answering and it's like, just like some telemarketing bullshit. Have you thought about Chase Banks new Discover? Dude, and then it's so funny, like waiting for two weeks and then just having Pete Davidson

apathetically tell you he got SNL. And they don't even want it. That's exactly what he said to me. They don't even want it. He goes, I got SNL and I don't even know if I want it or whatever. Yeah, I've just been obsessively checking my phone, but that's totally fucking cool, dude. Ever since I was a little girl, the first time I watched SNL, that's all I ever wanted.

Yeah, and then people go like, oh, I wanted to do workout videos, but they gave me Saturday Night Live. I'm like, I'm making sketches. I'm doing, making, playing pretend in my basement and shooting videos. And then they just give writing packets to people that I would read articles. And they're like,

I've never written a sketch in my entire life. I honestly. And then they would get, I remember reading that about Hannibal Buress. Oh, Hannibal, yeah. He's like, I never wrote a sketch. So he life. Honestly. And then they would get, I remember reading that about Hannibal Buress. Oh, Hannibal, yeah. He's like, I never wrote a sketch. So he didn't write any, like nothing would work. And then they promoted him to 30 Rock.

And I was like, I don't understand how sketched to a 30 minute pilot. That's crazy where they go like, you know what? You're on. He goes, I don't even want to be here. They go, it's what we've been talking about. And he goes, that God damn it, you're going to be one of the top writers

on Tina Fey's greatest work. Yeah, it was, it is a thing where he just like called me. It was like, I don't even know. And you're like, That's great. You know what it reminds me of? That's great. You know the Tyrese,

have you ever seen the Tyrese video where he's crying? No. Where he goes, I'm so happy for you. I was thinking that. I was thinking that when I thought of that exact situation because I had to be like, cool man. And I did daydream because I thought I was like, dude, imagine if I'm working with Tom Lomash

and Michael Che, because Che was going back from the Daily Show that year. And like Che and Michelle Wolf helped me with, because she was writing at Seth Meyers. They helped me with my audition. And they were both like, this is really funny. Like this is all good stuff. And they're blowing you up, you know, like, oh, you're in.

Dude, I think I even think, I'm not gonna completely say this is true, but I do remember me doing a thing with Che of like, what if we shared an office? And then that two weeks of checking your phone, you're like, nope, nope, nope, nope. And then Pete's like, hi, do you want to play Madden? Also, I got, I said, oh, whatever.

Oh, and then, yeah. Do you ever, have you ever like complimented or like congratulated somebody and you just feel like the way you congratulate someone and you don't mean it cause you're just rivelled with your own jealousy. Like, that's great. Yeah, I'm so, that's so cool. Well, that's how I always felt when fucking Louis

started loving all my friends. Yeah, yeah. Where I'd be like, oh, one of the greatest of all time. And then he would like, he treats Joe like a son and he treats me like Joe's friend that he doesn't like. You know? Or he's like, there's my boy, my beautiful boy. You gotta go, hi Dan.

You're like, what about me? I just did a pretty good job, Mr. CK, and he's like, I love you. But then you go to therapy and you realize, it's all my dad. It has nothing to do with that ginger fuck. That fucking ginger genius. It has everything to do with the fact that my father goes,

there's a happy hour across town, and I'd rather hang out with that than you. And you're like, and now I get it. Well, I always laugh because I feel like Joe collects a lot of father figures, even when we're on vacation. That's so funny. Like we went to an Airbnb in Wales and he like the guy was so nice.

And I'm like, oh, it's so funny that you've made him your dad. That's so funny. I fucking love that. It's really sweet, but you just collects father figures all over where we go. Joe, I would like to talk to you on the porch. You're just sitting out there, aw, you know,

life can be hard, Joe. He's just sitting on this man's lap with a map to show us every trail. He goes, now, Joe, you're a good climber. I've seen it in you. You don't wanna go up here, out of the hell. Joe goes, I have a main daddy now. I have a main daddy, and I've seen it in you. You don't wanna go up here, out of the hell. I have a main daddy now. I have a main daddy and I have a boss.

And then Steve's just sitting there like, good job. Dude, it's- Steve's silent. I love Steve. Steve could fucking play billiards though. Yeah, he can. Good luck. Run up on Joe's dad trying to play pool,

get your fucking shit pushed in. I love dads that like, there's a lot of dads like you go over to their house and they're just like, all of a sudden they're just doing yard work. Yeah. You're like, I know what you're doing. Or I loved going to, when I had soccer practice when I was a kid and there would just be like a parking lot

of dads listening to sports radio. Just talking about the fucking- Not watching their daughter, but they're like, I'm here aren't I? And you're like, but not really. But are you? Yeah. He goes, I just heard about Warren Moon

coming back to the Houston Oilers. And she goes, I scored the hardest goal of my life. Yeah. And everyone lifted me on their shoulders and, you were calling 995 AM to say that the fucking Astros are pieces of shit. Yeah. Yeah, I get that.

I like going to do yard. If I were an old man with kids, I'd go tinker. Well, that's what, like, sometimes if we have people over and it gets overwhelming, all of a sudden I'm like, I'm gonna do the dishes. Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny, because it's also, and for you bonfire fans that are still with me,

Big J would do that when they would have threesomes. Which I think is so funny. I can't, that never leaves my head about him filling up ice trays while they're trying to get into it. He's like, all right, this is going on. So it is. It's like.

Because he just wants to do the easy part. Yeah, he just wants to come in and be like, what are you guys? Dude, he said that, he said he lays on the bed and he goes, what are you guys doing? It's so funny. Oh my God, it must take forever to get a threesome going. I bet you it takes like,

to me it feels like it would take two hours to get the threesome going. What do you think would be? Because even a twosome in the beginning, it's like the guy is hanging out with me for eight hours. I mean, I would even- Because we don't know how to initiate. I would argue even if you go farther into your relationship,

it becomes a thing where you're like, well, she heard me violently shit this morning. So how do I walk up and go, let me in that booth? What do you think's harder to start? A fire from scratch or a threesome? Probably- Depends on the tools, but you have. a threesome? Probably. Depends on the tools, what you have. A threesome. I would probably, I would,

I think I would be the third Mike in the threesome. 100%. Just coming in, supporting. I honestly feel like I would be like, not confident enough where it'd be like, what are you ladies doing here? Or I'd be like looking at, I'd be like, is this cool? I'd be like checking down too much.

I'd be checking down to Katie. I'd be like, is this, what is? And then this other girl would be like, do you guys even want me here? And I go, honestly, no. No. We were actually gonna watch a DVR show. But I do like the two of you sucking me like a mama dog.

That's great. But I, uh, I don't know. We got an episode, a nine one one star that we're looking to say, and they go, did you have you found, where did you do this? I'm not Ramona on real house in New York. So are we going to have hot time action, hot action, hot time fuck? Yeah. In a minute.

Stop. Count your hours. Do you, when you go back to Texas, are you just like, cause you know, I saw you visiting. Yeah, I visit quite a bit. I love it. Is that Lardy's first time back? No, he's gone back.

I think that's his third time. That must be his third time. Are you getting better with it? That was my first time going by myself. OK. You did great. It was better than I thought. I was going to.

I didn't know. He didn't cry. And I was going to tell you this as your friend. I didn't know if I should wait for you to get off the plane to help with the- Oh no, it's fine. But I figured I was like- I wasn't expecting that.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I had that just to let you know. I just know with comics, you guys want, it's early, you want to get to the hotel. You know. You want to relax. We want to get into our kennel

and fucking step in our little mulch. So, you know. And I know what guys do to the hotel first. I won't say. Every clown. But there's a bit. Every clown has to de-venom the second they get to a town. All right.

Or else your life's gonna get fucked up. Right. And now I'm going to all these places where you can't even watch porn anymore. Right. Utah, specifically my last two road dates were Utah. Did Houston get rid of? Did Houston?

That's so weird. We had a lot of huge mega plex porn where there, if you go, you know, the big churches, the big Vanjical ones, whenever you see those guaranteed half a mile away is a porn mega plex. And they're, they were And they're pretty huge. Because I used to be- I'm starting to think that's not a coincidence. Yeah. They go, God, I love you.

I'm going to go paint a wall. I'm going to fucking wait till you, I'm going to slime a whole fucking little private room. That's wild. I mean honestly, my eyes are gonna start, when we're on the road now, be like mega church. There's gotta be a jerk off and pouring. A big one somewhere.

Cause I remember when I lived in Houston, when I was doing standup, I had tried to do a bit of like the big mega plexus, how sad it was to put out the small mom and pop pork leg. Just a family that cares about guys flinging that. There you go, something our family's always cared about. Just generational, 100 years of- Just ball emptying service.

And this Jeff Bezos of porn. Son of a bitch, this New Yorker comes in here, they don't even know what kind of porn we like to jerk off to in of porn. Son of a bitch, this New Yorker comes in here. They don't even know what kind of porn we like to jerk off to in these parts. I know what all of my clients like to jerk off to. I know, when Mr. Sanderson comes in here, he's gonna walk. When Joel Osteen comes in. When the right hand of God,

I told Miss Pat this, but it's true. When I saw Joel Osteen in the lobby of Sirius XM, he had the most security I've ever seen with a person. And that immediately made me go like. They're loaded. They didn't, when it flooded really bad, the really big flood that happened, he did not, Mattress Mac let everybody just stay on his furniture.

Yeah, like literally. With Abrams, who's that Texan guy that's no longer there. He's very nice. I forgot. I always want to call him JJ Abrams, but it's not him. Oh, the guy that made a very charitable. Yeah. Cloverfield, but not director of Cloverfield.

No, they, uh, Osteen eventually opened his doors. Yeah. But after an insane amount of pressure, where everyone was like, so people can't come into your giant mega church wide, and he's like, well, there was flooding, and there's just stuff. There's nothing funnier to me,

I know this is a little dack, but there's nothing funnier to me than when someone absolutely does something crazy fucked up and then they get in trouble. Like that guy in, I think it's Eastern Tennessee during the hurricane, he works at a plastics factory. And I've been following this story where he told his employees they have to come in

the day of the hurricane and five of them got washed away, like dead, 12 might've and they found five. Yeah. But like, and then he made this video that is fucking wild where he's like, one of the guys that died was a friend. And you're like, okay. And he goes, so this really, like his energy is like,

this ain't on me. But I'm getting ahead of it. And then everyone was like, you're a piece of shit. Yeah. Cause mind blowing when someone doesn't realize they're about to head into a PR nightmare. I love that though. Me too.

A shit storm. Americans love a shit storm. I live for A shit storm. Americans love a shit storm. I live for a shit storm. Even saying it, I'm like, who's gonna fuck up next? You know what my favorite shit storm was? The Felicity Huffman college scam, because I was like,

oh, this is the scandal that America needs right now. Rich people getting caught. No one's hurt. No one's hurt. No one's hurt It's just you just you're seeing Shittiness in a person that you expected and you knew was there so you feel validated It's I knew they were shitty. Yeah. Yeah as my therapist loves to say it confirms your reality Where you go? Yeah, you fucking suck.

And I knew you sucked because I feel like everyone wants that right now. Yeah, just give it, give it to us. But that's why like everyone's so happy about the Diddy thing. And that's why like 50 cent is like, I fucking told you. I know. I told you. There is something satisfying about that guy cause he was always a piece of shit. And no one has mentioned, do you remember when he was doing the making of the band?

Yeah. And he made them walk over the Brooklyn Bridge to get them Junior's cheesecake. And then they came back and he had just gone. Yeah. I just- Choppa was not happy about that. If I remember correctly. Yeah, one of them.

Choppa was real pissed. It wasn't Dylon. As he should Chapa was not happy about that. If I remember correctly. Yeah, one of them. Chapa was real pissed. It wasn't Dylon. As it should. It was Chapa. But it's so funny that we- Shout out Chapa, hope you're good. I hope your money's right. I know.

It's so wild where you're like, we wouldn't let that behavior fly now. No. Like I think- But in Diddy's defense, which is not gonna be the title of this episode. Yeah. In Diddy's defense, that was a time where reality shows needed shit like that,

where they needed you to go like, it was like the time of fear factor. It was all that going on. Fame, hungry whores. Prove it. Yeah. It was them actually, if you think about it, it was them taking what they always used to do behind the scenes. Yes. And dressing it up for the public. It was the, the cheesecake was the lube.

Yes. Was the baby oil. Follow the cheesecake. It goes all the way to the top until there's a thousand bottles of baby lube staring right at you, which were drugged. The lube was drugged. Was it really? Oh because it goes in your capillaries are so open down there. Can I just say how much do famous people love fucking sleeping people? I've never... You don't have time.

I want pushback. We just talked about how long it takes to do a threesome. That's why, cause they're efficient. Okay, I didn't think about that. There's no time. They go boop, boop, boop. Okay, I'm gonna go through. Doop, doop, doop.

That's how they get their numbers. They go sex buffet. They're all asleep. They've been, but like, I need someone looking at me. I need, call me old fashioned, but breathing. I need a conversation to stimulate. I like noise in hearing. I like an audio.

I like a visual. I need compliments. I don't think I, I'd be like, after like a couple, I'd be like, hey, say hey, say hey. Trying to wake them up. Yeah. Soder was never invited back to the P-Diddy party because he kept waking everyone up.

I go, hey. Just get a flashlight. I don't understand. Now they have those high-end sex dolls. Just use those. I don't understand. Before they download AI and crush your penis in their robot pussies. And take all your data and then sell it to insurance company

you crush my penis and my socials on the on the dark web you smooshed my weiner genetic background they go he has an allergy to ask aken Jew or whatever. You are 72% Scandinavian and have an allergy to scallops. Also, I'm gonna crush your wiener, excuse me. Ah! Thank you. You're mine now. Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

This is a third robot. Good luck getting her into it with your crushed wiener. But Diddy's, I keep, I was talking to Katie about this before the podcast, but I'm so fascinated by it. Diddy's kids released a statement today. What? How many does he have? Seven. Okay. That's not bad. Six of them were on the joint. Six of them were on the joint statement, which goes, what is Siete? Where's, where's the, hoping for daddy. Diddy's daddy, daddy's coming out.

He goes, dad, come on, can't stop, won't stop. You promised. Put me on the will. Oh, bad boy for life. You promised it. You said it over and over and I fucking believed it. But they said like, all these lies. By the way, they're not wrong.

Some of the stuff, they're like all these conspiracy theories going on. And there are some wild conspiracy theories. Like the underground tunnels of LA, do you think that's QAnon-y? By the way, they're not wrong. Some of the stuff, they're like all these conspiracy theories going on, and there are some wild conspiracy theories. Like the underground tunnels of LA, do you think that's QAnon-y? Yeah, I think, well, here's the thing. I also think, and this is just where we're at as a society,

I think QAnon's gone a little mainstream. I think it's like, before Q- Are they that wrong though? Not? I kinda, of all the conspiracy theories- And I know you're deep in the podcast right now and you go, are we watching Soder and Sarah become QAnon? QAnon?

But I, the more these stories come out, you're like, but are they wrong? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. It's Tom Hanks. It's similar to the Adam and Eve thing where you go, is this an allegory for famous, wealthy, mean people? Or are they actually eating children's fear parts of their brain? Sometimes I think like in the Diddy situation,

they don't realize they've crossed over into sex trafficking. Well, because that's actually brilliant. Cause I think sometimes you don't realize how easy you can sex traffic somebody. Can I just say you just unlocked something for me because I've watched people I know get very famous and the more rich and famous they get,

the less nos are around. It's all right. There's a lot of blackface around Halloween a few years ago where you're like, you need to fire your team Yeah, who's saying that's okay because they just go it's awesome, dude, right? It's awesome. But there was a guy where did he's like I got this idea for baby oil But it's got like GHB in it and someone goes well, that's pretty inventive Right. Well, look at you and no one goes dude, that's a rape. Yeah, you're raping people That makes sense cuz baby oil you want to get relaxed in the massage. So you

Wake up you go shit hurts Like impressed if what Bill Cosby's impressed with Diddy. Now that's how you set up an operation. I was over here dinking and diving in the drinks, not having them rubbing and dubbing in the bathtub. He's like him in his smokey eye. Dude, the meeting of Diddy and Cosby, he goes, Padwan, he's the emperor. He's like, yeah, I remember. Give in to your rape.

Give in to the dark side. Yeah, dude, that is wild. You wonder if they're like Shaolin monks? Yeah, like nice. Oh, yeah. Whoa, I did not. Dr. Cosby, you're gonna wanna see this. And he shouts, he goes,

so he was raping at the parties with the giant beds? Damn, I didn't do it. Hugh Hefner would have been on board. Yeah, dude, that's, you do wonder which sick people in Hollywood go like, God, that's an operation. Impressive, yeah. Well, it's also like, sometimes I want, like he obviously had employees and I'm like,

I could actually see myself being an employee and not kind of realizing what's going on. Not to rationalize. I like to think I was on the right side of history, but you're just like, there's no way people are that demonic. I absolutely could see that. I will see your employee and I'll raise you.

Because people let employees get our employers do the craziest shit. Dude, I would absolutely be a P Diddy employee that is cussing under my breath while I'm making a giant silk bed for 40 people. And I'm like talking shit about other coworkers and never have any heat for Diddy. Like never have like yo this fucking sick fuck being like hey Enrique, corners we gotta grab the corners, talk. I'm like this fucking guy Enrique he's always fucking late or whatever. I know. I think Peter D like had sex with the sleeping Justin Bieber. What? Dude I'm just trying to get paid. I don't know dude

I set up the tripods for all the cameras. I know Dude, I'm just trying to get paid. I don't know, dude. I set up the tripods for all the cameras. I know. Can I go home? I was like, exactly. And then. I want to go play PlayStation. I know.

I just needed a job. I just want to go down to Cookies and get a fucking pre-roll. I don't ask the questions. I don't know, dude. I was told it's a music video. I wanted to like, I asked him to sign my Mace album. I had a Mace album, Harlem World,

and then like he signed it, that's cool. I don't know, dude. Just be like, didn't you work for Diddy? You go, I don't know, man. I know, it's cause I've worked 10 jobs and I remember like this one girl was trying to start a coup in our temp, meaning like they need to pay us more. And I'm like, dude, I don't give a shit.

Yeah, what are you doing? You're gonna get us all killed. I'm like, I'm just unloading these boxes from Target. Like I- Why aren't those characters in the bio movies where they go like, we need to change, bro. We gotta change. They go, no, we don't.

It's not worth it. Brother, I got four more hours and I'm clocking out. Right, I've've when you try to Change for the good in corporate America. Good luck. You're getting fired and you're not even a martyr Yeah, go go fistfight the ocean Cuz that's what you're doing Punch waves all you want corporate America and changing a goddamn thing for you dipshit. You're not a maverick They hate maverick. There's no swelling of inspirational music.

No. I think about this because Zara, the clothing company, every few years, for some reason, they didn't think that a blue and white striped shirt with a yellow star would cause. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were like, there's a team. There's 100 people that this is going through.

Not one person saw Schindler's List. You're telling me an Academy Award winning film. Not one of you guys. Not one person in Europe knows about the Holocaust. Or there's just a really funny guy that they don't take seriously. We're at the meeting, he's like, I could have gotten

three more with that shit. Three more. They go, are you quoting Oscar Schindler? You go, yeah, we're not going to put these shirts out. Are we? Yeah. Yeah. And then that guy gets like demoted. Yeah. They go, you know what, Steve, everything's a fucking joke for you. I don't need your negative nay saying around here. You called it the Dachau. You called it the Dachau shirt line. You guys didn't notice this? You thought Auschwitz summer shirts were like a thing that we're gonna go? Yeah, you just.

And they go, you know what? How did you not, yeah. And then they do the, instead of going, ah, we fucked up, we didn't listen to this guy, they go, that's Zahara, we want to learn more from our customers. Now we have to do charity for a week. We have to work in a soup kitchen.

Oh my God. To right the wrongs of our Holocaust shirt that we put out. But they just put on another shirt. It was like in the kids section of strawberries and it's about like tasting the sweet fruit or something. And uh. Which by the way, is QAnon wrong? Is QAnon wrong? Is QAnon wrong? Is QAnon wrong?

Is QAnon wrong? Is QAnon, I just want to ask this question. When they have a shirt for children and it says the sweet taste of innocence. When it says. The juicy. Yeah, crack me open, I'm full of Adrena Chrome. All I'm saying is

Is Cue it on wrong. That's all I'm asking watch this get completely demonetized Yeah, you're off YouTube. I don't know what you guys really it's satire or people come up to me after shows and they go Brother I got literature and you go We're kidding surface level level, all jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he's guilty. He's like, allegedly.

You're the best. Always fun. Hanging. Hanging out. This is my first time on the pod. Yeah. Guys, this is my first time. Honestly.

Don't look for other episodes. Do not search it, cause it's not there. First time, long time. The special butthole money is out now on YouTube. On YouTube. My favorite name of a special in most recent memory. Thank you, it's not a really good business idea.

What can I tell you? For the algorithm. I got shut down by HBO, because I wanted to call my HBO special in 2019, Butt Munch. HBO has like incest rape. This was. It's queuing on wrong.

But go watch But Whole Money on YouTube cause and you know, let her know that, let her know that we sent you and right. Is queuing on wrong? Your comment section is gonna be like, is queuing on wrong? And you're like, dude, I think Tal Amash is like in it. I think she's all the way to the right.

Joe's assault, the blinks come back, he goes, did you put my fucking, the mother of my child in QAnon? I'm like, no, buddy, we're fucking kidding. Yeah. They're fucking kidding. Well, so. ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]