Soder - 62: Arrested Development with Mike Cannon | Soder Podcast | EP 60

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Jan 30 - Feb 1 - Winnipeg, Canada Feb 20 - 22 - Huntsville, AL Feb 28 - San Diego, CA March 1 - Los Angeles, CA March 2 - San Francisco, CA Follow Mike Cannon https://www.instagram.com/iammikecannon/?hl=en https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ox42kz7j5mU PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by    @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Winnipeg, Canada, January 30th, the 31st, and February 1st. I will be at Rumors for five shows. Go get tickets at danceroader.com, and this time, leave your infectious diseases to yourself. I try not to bring up the apocalypse too much on this podcast. Yeah. That's honestly, at first our problem- What would you do though?

You're fucked. Like this is- We live in the blast radius. Yeah, yeah. That's first, what would you do though? You're fucked. Like this is, we live in the blast radius. Yeah. Yeah. That's a joke that I say, but it's for Indian point. Oh, right here. Yeah. Do you know what about that Indian point? Cause we learned about that in high school. Cause we're Rockland. It's like 30, 40 miles away. A new, an active nuclear plant from here that is so on talked about. Oh, I love this.

Right there. And in high school, they're like, so if Indian Point were to get hit, we are technically in the blast radius. Well, there's also a theory, and I hope no terrorists are watching this, but you terrorists at home, tune out. Don't include this in your plan. Spoiler alert. They said that if a nuclear warhead hit a, and again, this is something I learned online so I don't know if this is true. I have to start doing this on everything I say because I've realized I am just a child and I hear things and I don't repeat it. It's like pre-Disney

movies, it's like sorry about how we talked about Native Americans. Those crows were real black and we didn't know. We really were making those crows jive as fuck. My dad used to call me those crows were real black and we didn't know we really were making those crows jive as fun. My dad used to call me those crows in college because I dress. I wore Pele Pele jeans and triple x air force like long teas. I did that now known or get the reference. It's almost like a sneak dis. If you can go like you one of the crows in disney, what are their names, the crows on the white heckle and jack? No, we can look that up. Yeah, the crows on the heckle and Jack? No, we can look that up. Yeah. The crows on the wire. No, I'm just getting caught up in some who gives a shit detail. No, by the way, we're both potheads. This is where we go.

Is it what are you going to actually know stuff? Crows on the wire. Yeah. Wow. Dandy Jim Crow fats, Deacon, dopey, and specs. That is the crow from Dumbo. Yeah. The lead crow voiced by white actor, Cliff Edwards is in an imitation of a Southern African-American dialect. Southern African-American dialect was named Jim Crow. It's in Dumbo, dude. So crazy that Dumbo's got everything. Fat shaming, orphans, Dumbo has. Social icing out. It's got everything. It's got fat shaming, ear shaming, blacks,

black crows. Dude, yeah. What's the dark theory of Dumbo? Apparently Dumbo is a product of biracial parentage or within this elephant, elephantine context, the result of a coupling between an Asian elephant and a male African elephant. Damn. Like Heinz Ward? Which happened to have much bigger ears. Hence Dumbo's, dude, I didn't even know Dumbo.

I didn't even know that kind of that's what that movie was about. About biracial kids? Oh, dude, I thought it was just be nice to fat kids. Don't mix races or else you'll get big ears. That's wild. Do you wanna have a freak elephant child? The stuff that they were throwing us that was secondary, it's so funny how like my generation and your generation

were so dumb that we were just like, no, it's about elephants in the circus. And they're like, it's about biracial parents. And you're like, Oh, I had no idea. I had to have that like drawn out for me. That is wild though. Dude. So funny. Your dad was just calling you racist crows constantly. My dad also calls called me Muslim instead of Muslim. He just be like, you look Moslem. You should have been like in Salah. I wish I did.

I wish I had like Photoshop back then because since people have like pulled up comparisons to Osama bin Laden and it's like Spot-on I look a lot like him. I've mentioned this before on shows, but like your facial structure my facial structure So it doesn't look like it from the way that Troy Aikman looks like Jay-Z Yeah, probably. I mean dude. They look that's crazy. I've never that's been on the internet. That's not mine original That's all over the internet Troy Hickman's white jay-z It's been kind of have like a Joe camel look himself. What's another one Katie knows another one? I think it's like Glenn Close. Holy shit. You have the same face as a some of it long like spot-on, dude

Gee, how do you not have a podcast called the cave? Where you just sit in style in a pillow just with tape stacker watching tapes I Do love that Osama bin Laden used to beat off to VHS tapes. What is more relatable to that get caught? He was like guys shut the door. I'm in the middle of something. We'll see He's good you fight I told you I'm watching splat on my rack to Starring the very hot Bianca Trump She's early 90s before vivid contracts like you know when guys are too in the porn and they know all that stuff Yeah, it's actually pretty interesting

She was with Metro for a while Gene Wilder no no no no gene Wilder and the guy from the Bear. Yes. Type in Troy Aikman, Jay-Z. Because the comparison... I'm putting it together in my head right now and it's like, it's actually... Once you see the photo, you'll... It's crazy. You won't be able to unsee it. That's fucking... That's like Jay-Z in the Chappelle whiteface makeup.

If he walked into it, hey guys, what's going on? And you go, you're not, that's like Jay-Z in the chapelle white face makeup. If he walked in and went, hey guys, what's going on? And you go, you're not, that's not real. When Eddie Murphy did that on SNL, it got to paper for free. I was like, no. Yeah, that was Jay-Z. Jay-Z's got so much money, he dresses up as Troy Aikman. Troy Aikman died.

Everyone knows this, Troy Aikman died 20 years ago. And Jay-Z's just been calling, he's just been calling games with Joe Buck. He's the whole time. And you go, dude, Jay-Z in the booth, not only the rap booth, but in the broadcast booth. It really can pick apart a scheme. It's unbelievable. You ever had Jay-Z break down a soft cover too? It's unbelievable. Yeah man, it's like looking like, I said this on the on the last podcast, but I used to get called the fourth manning brother. There was like people when you looked like it.

One time when I was waiting tables, back when I was skinnier and younger, someone said I looked a little like Joaquin Phoenix. Without the cleft, and I never saw that. Damn. But, so you've been told Osama Bin Laden. Dude, I got another good one too, a basketball player that you would like.

Shit, he was oh turca glue Turcalo turcalo King teardrop like kind of lazy Eastern block eyes guy Tory on Shaquille O'Neal roast from like 20 years ago guy Tory had my favorite the Maloof brothers Kings were at the roast and guy Torrey goes, Maloof Brothers is here, man, what's up with Turcalo? God wanted to make, look like God wanted to make him retarded and change his mind at the last minute.

And I, that joke has never left my brain. That's unreal. That joke I was like, I just was, I was into the NBA so much at that time that I was like, that's perfect. That's like a perfect joke. My gym teacher in high school who had, was a lesbian who had a crush on my now wife Used to like hit me with that to try to take away my self-esteem

Your lesbian gym teacher. Yeah had a thing for your current wife Yeah, I think so if you don't know Mike Cannon grew up with his wife on and off, but they are like The most adorable story you're like a true No one has those stories anymore. No, I get it, yeah. Well, your grandfather took me to the dance in seventh grade and then we were in love. Now it's like, yeah, I was on an app called Slop Pigs and she said she could suck me without using any teeth.

Anyways, I put a baby in her and that's why you're here. You're like an old. You call it cute, but no other comic has ever framed it that way, which is why I'm always on the defense of being like, no, man, it's cool. You know, I've had other, I genuinely I'm, I'm down with the nuclear family. I keep looking at the camera like I'm Jim in the office. Uh, but it is, it's, um, I think it's adorable. You like new, you genuinely grew up with your wife. Your wife knows you better than anybody.

Which is truly like the only reason I could, that's the only way I could marry somebody. Like I don't think I could meet somebody in my 30s and then be like, all right, I think I trust you enough. Yeah. Like I think you know enough. Do you know how hard it was with her? She's my dream girl.

And I'm barely like, is this real? When are you gonna leave me? Yeah I need to know that you would have hung on through puberty God this this podcast really is the opposite of the one where you go look at the girls What grade did you guys meet fifth we met I remember at we were on the bus line like to leave school and I remember seeing her Charlotte Hornets pullover star and I was just like, she had a pullover starter Charlotte, yeah. Whoever is cool enough to wear that as a girl at that point, I was like, pull the sword from the rock. I hear Dreamweaver in my head. Oh, she will be mine. It might take 26 years, but she will be mine

Yeah, I mean dude That you you have your Winnie Cooper. Yeah, no one gets a Winnie Cooper No, and it's so funny We grew up next door to each other's and you know, so with that comes all like young fights and stuff like that So my parents obviously her parents had no no clue that we were gonna work out No, you were you you were going to be the guy that when your wife is dating a new guy that the parents hate, they can go like, how's Mike doing?

Do you ever, do you ever talk to Mike? I liked him. See opposite though is her mother married her neighbor growing up. So my wife's father is her mom's neighbor. Like they grew up next door to each other, but they had a pretty rough divorce. How far into it? How old was your wife? So my wife was like four maybe.

But like her mom, I remember, you know, I was- She's like, it's not gonna work. Adamantly would be like, I don't like the influence you are on my daughter. She said that to you? To me in art class in 10th grade. And I was like, I don't like the influence you are on my daughter. She said to me in, in, in art class in 10th grade. And I was like, I'm the only reason she's not getting dicked down by. She would have so much foreign and dark dick in her. And her mom's like,

what does that mean? Her kids could have giant ears one day. You know what her kids could marry one of the crows from the wire. She could marry one and you're like, what? You're like, it's something that my dad does. Nevermind. But wait, was her mom your teacher? She was an art teacher. I never had her directly for class though.

But we would like go there for like study hall and shit. So you got the smoke from another teacher. Yeah. That wasn't even your teacher. Not my teacher. Are you and your mother-in-law cool now? We're awesome. Like she's the best.

There's any- Once it worked out. Once it worked out, once she saw that I wasn't, like in high school, I also would have looked at me and been like, this is a problem. You can't trust a man younger than 25. No, and I was such a, just an out of control, like attention seeking ass, even more, like now I'm just, I'm more reserved

and just like picking my spots about attention stuff. But then I was like in unkinked toes, just fucking blasting my my bullshit everywhere trying to get kicked out of class while like, you know, don't ask my people I've been annoying since I was born. Yeah, I get it The less older you get the less annoying you are People still can't watch this podcast because I want to chime in with my little voices and quips. I get it I fucking get it. But as you calm down, you really, it's like a dog. Once you start getting those white circles around your eyes, people go like, I like him.

What a sweet. You're like, just put your head on people's laps instead of just running around the house being a fucking nightmare. But I mean, that is, and your parents obviously love her. They do, yeah. I mean, they're like, my mom is more involved daily, I guess. And my dad is kind of a periphery still around and just very into the whole

thing that it worked out. But it's crazy that it did cause that does not happen anymore. Cause usually what happens is the guy fucks it up in late teens, early twenties by trying to go get other pussy, which is the best thing because we didn't date. So we never dated in that time. We were always dating other people. And in that time, we'd come back and hook up.

So we were the things that broke up the other relationships. And that's how you want it to be. It's the best. And your kids will grow up knowing like, all right, at least my parents actually liked each other. Because there's a lot of parents that are mistakes. And like the kids are like, I can tell you guys didn't want to be together. I can tell you guys don't like each other. Cause there's a lot of parents that are mistakes. And like the kids are like, I can tell you guys didn't want to be together.

I can tell you guys don't like each other. That's gotta suck even more. I've always said, man, like I, my parents broke up when I was like five, but it's better than them forcing it until you're an adult. Because that's what mine did. Really? My parents got a divorce when I was 20 I think

and for either two or three years my mother slept on the couch and I was and I was living at home doing community college track like and you know of course you know because behind muffled doors it's like if Charlie Brown's mom was getting the shit kicked out of her And you're like, Oh man, that's pretty bad. Do you think Charlie Brown, that's why they did the parents where his parents abusive? Is that why we never heard him talk or shit? Where they were like, you bald little fag. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's what he's saying. They're like, kill yourself, Charlie. The wrong boy died. You don't even know. That's why he's so into Snoopy. They got him Snoopy because his older brother got hit by a car. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dad. You don't even know? That's why he's so into Snoopy. They got him Snoopy because his older brother got hit by a car. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

Yeah, dude, it's, I think like having parents that secretly hate each other, it does more damage than people who are just like out in the open and they're like, fuck your dad. Cause like my, I grew up with my mom, double fingers like pock in that Red Wings jersey. My mom was spittin' at my dad every time. She was like, fuck him. But I grew up with my mom, double fingers, like, pock in that Red Wings jersey. My mom was spitting at my dad every time. She was like, fuck him.

But I knew where she stood. Yeah, yeah. And that's why it was kind of nicer when she died. When he died, she was like, I'll be cool about it. He's dead. I don't want to speak ill of the dead. But growing up, a lot of heat towards him. And I liked it.

Because when I'd go to my friend's houses, whose parents didn't like each other, I felt crazy. Because I would would notice it. Yeah. Yeah. Do you parents fucking hate each other? No. Like no they're married. Stop it. And you're like I don't think they should be. I was I was under the impression that everybody's mom would just like get out of the car in traffic in a highway and start like walking down on the side of the street. It was like that's not everybody's life. Come on. Your dad driving that. Tapping on the door of the street. Is your dad driving? Tapping on the door like, come on, get in. It's fucking you're going to get the kids are crying.

That's so is your siblings. I have two sisters, so an older sister and a younger sister. Did they wait until the youngest one was out of the house to get divorced? No, they waited. No, because I was still living in the house. Then I left. Then they officially got divorced and my younger sister was stuck. So she was still like kind of, she also to save them money, both my sister and I went to community college to try to, you know, basically my dad was a part of that. Oh wait, collapse. He was a stockbroker. So went down to zero. My sister, my older sister,

all of her collegiate dreams came true. The house of cards came tumbling down for Indiana Jones did as it closed. She was like, well, good luck. Uh, turns out dad was invested in black rock. Dude, there's a mortgage really fucked them. There's nothing more depressing than picking up my sister from Indiana university, the most, the most beautiful campus ever. Just picturesque, exactly what you assume college is.

Also, I've only heard, I've only heard how fun it is. Right. It's a party school, but it's also a good school. Yeah, and big sports, all I wanted to do was either play sports or go to a big sports school. You could have been in a big 10 basketball school. I would have been their videographer. I would have definitely tried to do an Eric Spolster route. You would have gotten drunk and watched Hoosiers and cried.

That would have been like your movie. All the time. Oh my God. You'd make your wife and your kids go back to fucking what is it? Fort Wayne, Indiana. Oh, what a dump. No, Bloomington. Bloomington.

Yeah, I apologize. I'm sorry, Indiana, but also come on your Indiana. Indianapolis is a tough hang. I've never even been back. I'm sorry, Indiana, but also come on, you're Indiana. Indianapolis is a tough hang. I've never even been back. California, 2025, the end of February. San Diego, February 28th. Los Angeles, March 1st. And San Francisco, March 2nd.

Get tickets on sale now, dansoater.com. I will see you in 2025. And then other cities, don't worry. We're coming. We're putting it all together. But California, you're up first on this theater tour. I'm very excited about this. Again, February 28th, I'll see you in San Diego.

March 1st, Los Angeles. And March 2nd, San Francisco. DanSodder.com for tickets. Please buy them and I'll see you then. But so you couldn't, so your older sister goes to Indiana. Lives all the collegiate dreams. Yeah. How much older is she than you?

Four years. Oh my gosh. So she got the full experience. The moment, she graduated a year early too. So she got out and then the money was gone. What year did you graduate high school? Oh, three. Oh shit. So that would have been like, you were leading,

oh my God. Dude, we were driving to pick her up when they were playing Duke in March Madness, when Jay Williams missed that free throw and they ended up winning. And they were like, my dad and I pulled onto campus and they're just like flipping cars, doing all this shit.

I was lucky enough that I went to Arizona when we still had Lute Olsen and we were like, I mean, we're still a good team, but we were like number one and number two. We lost to Duke. My senior year of high school, we lost to Duke in the finals. And so my whole college life was like,

oh, when are we gonna win a championship? We didn't. Yeah. You always had the most talented roster that always like. It was unbelievable. You're like the Portland Trailblazers. It was on college to my senior year We had fucking Salim Stoudemire, Andrea Guadala Hassan Adams Channing Frye Luke. No, Luke Walton's you two years older than me

It was like crazy our chatting fry looks like Carl from the Simpsons. He really does He's like it's it was crazy because that was when I realized athletes are dorks, not all of them. Sure, the ones that are cool are the ones that stand out. Yeah, but most of them give their lives to this thing. Totally just in the gym all the time yeah and also like strategic nerds to where they're like studying somebody's tendencies, what they do on the court, all that time. Yeah, and also like strategic nerds too, where they're like studying somebody's tendencies, what they do on the court, all that shit. When you hear about like guys in the NBA, especially now,

like even LeBron, where he's basically an uneducated guy, went to high school, graduated, whatever, but is according to everybody else, genius level at picking apart offenses, tendencies, all that stuff. And you're like, oh, this is something else. I had a professor at Arizona that talked about how difficult it was trying to teach Gilbert arenas. I watch his podcast every week.

Cause his breakdown of the NBA is so good. Yeah. He's like a genius when it comes to NBA shit. Like he broke down the Lakers nugget series, the first round of last year's playoffs. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is, this is exactly what's happening. But you're like, yeah, cuz they're it's like it's like the way crossfit people People think they're dumb. You're like, do you know how much science they know? They're like about proteins and what bonds to your muscles doesn't like you can go in there and they'll give you a

Biology lesson that you're like I have no fucking clue. That's what it did. It's also like, it's almost like black goodwill hunting where like the white version is tolerated so much more like the rough neck, but super intelligent. And then Gilbert arenas is putting guns on. First off, he's very funny. That's why I've always loved them. You'll always get me if you're very funny, but I loved them through agent zero. I missed him by a year at Arizona, but I've always been like, he's a wildcat dude, he's ours.

I might straight up buy a Gilbert Greenis Arizona Jersey after this conversation. You should, you should. Cause I fucking love that. I bet his son goes there. I don't know, but he's the man. Yeah. And his podcast, I like watching guys like him

have a podcast because you're like, your MBA, here's my theory about broadcasters. This is why I don't think Brady will ever be good is because the good broadcasters are the guys that got near the top, but not to the top. So like everyone compares to Tom Brady. Greg Olson is unbelievable at calling games for Fox. Brady took a spot and everyone was kind of like hot. They're like, why is it? Greg Olson still calls games for Fox,

but he's the B team. But then you watch his games and you're like, oh, he's like awesome. Like how he breaks it down. Tony Romo was similar. He was good for a while because he never got, Brady's the fucking man. Brady's the greatest of all time.

So it's like weird for him to talk about it because he's like, and then, you know, you're just the best. And everyone's like, explain to me how're just the best and everyone's like why explain to me how you got there he goes you just do it you're just like unbelievable i do like how some of his sociopathy is coming out like with the baker mayfield yesterday where he's like yeah people were stressed out i came in kind of inject a little bit of joy and tom brady's like if i want to joy i'll take my kids to the fucking disney. Yeah, you go, Tom, that's not good. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, let go, let go, let go, let go. Ow, ow, ow, ow. That's what it is. You're like, ow, ow, ow, ow.

He's like, if I ever wanted to fucking win fun, we're not here to have fun. It's war. And you're like, no, technically it's a game. Technically it's a game. It's not war. Not at all. Could have gone, but by the way, there's no doubt that Tom Brady would have been a successful war general. 100% Tom Brady would have been the greatest in whatever he did because of that. It's also interesting because now we're starting to see that psychopaths we've we've liked psychopaths for so long and just misdiagnosed them as being great. And then you're like, well,

he's kind of like Jordan is the greatest of all time. His hall of fame speech is a lesson in who not to be. He's just there. They're being like, you're the greatest of all time. He's like, yo, fuck Byron Russell. I'll go or whoever it was. I'll go one on one with you right now. And you're like, yeah, your hall of fame. Did you see the 75th're at your hall of fame speech. Did you see the 75th, the top 75 player thing? Where like somebody, Magic Johnson, like, you know, just joking around, I was like, ah, let's go lay some up.

And Jordan's like, I'll fucking, I'll play right this second. Yeah. And everybody's like, they were serious. It's like when you're a friend where you try to wrestle with your friend and they get too into it and you go, whoa, hey, we're fucking around here. Yeah. But it's like, that's very interesting

because that whole idea of like a psycho, like that Nike commercial with Willem Dafoe during the voiceover. Yes, yeah, yeah. And he's like, what, I wanna win, I wanna win more than you. And you go, cool commercial, shitty idea. Because you're just saying you'll do

whatever it takes to win, You're a villain. Exactly. Leave some of your humanity. Like I, and this is probably why I'll always just stay right in the middle, but I'm kind of okay with that if I'm going to still be a human. Right. Yeah. Like I don't know that when I was a kid, I felt like such a pussy where they're like, you got to step on his neck, cut his throat. You're like, I lived down the street from this guy. Right.

Yeah. And they're like, fuck him. Fuck his parents. And you're like, can I make him laugh? Then we have fun together. Look how much fun we're having. But that mentality with comedians is so gay. It's the height of gay.

Like this idea, and not cool gay, like we're fucking each other in the butt No, no, yeah and doing poppers That's cool. That is very cool Oh, I'm gonna you're gonna we're gonna have joyful sex and then do drugs I'm gonna take a deep breath and then open sesame of my asshole Yeah, oh cool, yeah, they play open sesame all the time and you guys are mad at them. But it's like that idea of like, I'm gonna dominate.

I'm gonna dominate being a silly boy. And you're like, all right, dude. All right, dude. That's why I've never liked the really famous comedians when they come around the cellar and they have that like, what are you doing for greatness? You go, I love this shit. I'm gonna try to be the best comedian I can be.

Outside of that, I just wanna be a decent human. Of course, well, and it's also those guys that like vocally say how much they love comedians and the community of comedy and all this stuff. But if you aren't their level or their friend or somebody they came up with, you don't exist. You're a piece of shit, a barnacle on their shoe. Get the fuck out of this club.

When you're editing this podcast, replay that 10 times so people in the back can hear you. Because how many times guys that I have grown up absolutely idolizing and then you see them and you go, oh you suck. You like you like like Seinfeld Greatest TV show of all time some of the greatest stand-up ever done. Yeah, miss me with all the rest Yeah, all that other bullshit where it's like you don't like comedians You don't like your friends, which is fine. You like portions and you like famous people.

Yeah. And you want to relate to famous people because you've been alone because you've been so famous. Larry David is the guy. Yes, I agree. And I also, but in a world of Jerry's be Larry. But it's always those guys too. like if I bumped into a comic at an airport, we immediately have something to talk about. It's like you literally would mush my face out of the way to talk to a fan. I would say Jerry Seinfeld's comedian documentary was one of the most single most important parts of my life

deciding I was gonna be a stand-up comedian. I loved watching him and Colin and George Walsh talk. I was obsessed with him. I idolized that Jerry Seinfeld. Yes, the one I met standing outside of stand-up New York in 2007 Fucking hit him with a bus. I don't give a fuck. You just walked up and I wasn't obnoxious Standing outside smoking a cigarette. There was no one at the club. Hey Jerry. I'm a young comic I just moved to New York and went like that and you're like You can't even go a good luck man.-huh this is a fucking wild ride it's it's all it

takes and I similar to me I think I followed him a comedy juice or something and you know the obligatory good set or whatever I didn't even really care for what he was doing up there cuz he opened what you're doing a pop-tart joke he literally opened with like oh this is new like blah blah blah and then he did bits that I heard like years ago and And I was like, I guess keep them on their toes. But he, he basically, I was like, Oh, good set. And he stepped on my foot with his Nike shock. It hurts.

So much. Oh, oh, but those are cool. Sneaks like the show. Oh, so you really do care about sneakers. Oh, that wasn't just on the show. Oh, oh fuck. I think you broke my big toe. Oh, okay. I mean, the thing is, is like, I think we need to start doing that

with celebrities in general. They start going like, you're a regular person, which means you have faults, which means I'm not fucking idolizing you. 100%. Because, and this is clearly my own psychology, but like I grew up with a dad that was gone

that didn't want anything to do with me. So in my mind, he was like Superman, like like oh, how do I get him back right when in therapy? I realized that it made me not give a shit about Jerry Seinfeld Louis CK Chris Rock I went just like oh, these are just like guys. Yeah, they did great shit but like I mean you're doing for me right now what you learned in therapy because I've never I've never put that together like you idolize my father or because he wasn't around all the time and I just like I'd get like sliver or glimpses of greatness. Yeah. Funniest guy socially having a great time like all that stuff. So smart, really gregarious. All the people at his work really looked up to him and gravitational pull on people and then would be like, I'm going to go play golf for nine hours on the only day I have off. Oh like. It's just, I'm gonna go play golf for nine hours on the only day I have off. Oh, you have a birthday? I'm gonna miss it.

Yeah. But then I'm gonna blame the post office. Yeah. And then he dies and you're like, oh fuck, I kinda got ripped off. But I used to do this thing where like, dude, I used to like, when my heroes would come into the cellar,

it makes my penis crawl into my body. How I think about how I used to be like, mm-hmm, oh wow, do you remember when you did this? One time I got drunk with Chappelle in like 2012 and I just like was telling him bits that he never did to the point where he was like, man, I think you know my egg better than I do. And I was like, I love you, I love you.

But now I can't stand to be around him. Yeah. Because he's just around a people of yes men. So he comes in and you see him and you go like, we're in Vegas for Skank Fest. And me and Ari Shafir and Adam Eget and ran as easy went and gambled. We're watching the Giants Cowboys game. Yeah. Sit down at a table. There's these two guys from Ohio One of them's like an older guy and one of them's like a young guy both hammered and we know they're hammered Yeah, young guy loses his money. He's out old guy loses stays there

She just keeps going to Ari cuz you know Ari's got the half hair Yeah, he's going who is this guy and he's like, he's our friend. He's like I need to get a picture I'm on my phone. Who's got our phone. We're all going. We don't have our phones. Rain is easy says he doesn't have his phone and then literally goes, it starts texting. It was wild. This guy got so drunk that we were playing blackjack while they were going, he was like slapping.

Like I would get like a Jack and he'd be like, come on, give him a blackjack. And he was slapping his hands to the dealer. You have to stop doing that. You have to stop doing that. You have to stop doing that. And it made me go, this is my dad if he is alive. Like, this is my dad, if he's alive. Yeah. Like this guy fucking sucks.

This would be my dad. He would be drunk thinking he was being charming. Totally. He was slamming his hand on the fucking table. He was like grabbing me and shit where at one point I went, don't fucking touch me like that. And he's like, hey, am I a New Yorker son? And you're like, I'm from Colorado. I'm very pleasant. I live in New York.

You just don't fucking grab people by their arm when you don't know. But that idea of like framing it like that and being like, you're my dad if he's alive. I'm glad he's dead. That's what I said when I walked away. I go, God, that really made me happy my father's dead. And Eegot was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You're like, sorry, I made all these connections in my head. Sorry, bud. It was too absolving. But I think a lot of the times, especially with celebrities, is they are these stand-ins for your parents when they suck. I think that's actually, you just brought up a good point where I think that's how I was with agents Like I saw agents with an authority and this ability that they don't like they're so good at talking and they're they're very like

They they control the business they do they before you know anything about it and I was like, oh, that's my dad Yeah, but then you meet your dad. You're like my dad's like a pump and dump Partner got carried out by the FBI like a pump and dump stockbroker that his partner got carried out by the FBI last week. What am I fucking thinking? Cause I think it's easier, I think it's easier to project things onto other people than to like see who people really are. And that's why like your wife and you, you guys have gone through so many different versions of yourself that she

knows who you are. She's seen all the different ones. Truly. Yeah. I mean, and just in terms of like comedy, being able to say whatever the fuck I want, she's literally known me since I was a 10-year-old boy. So I was saying flagrant crazy shit all the time. And just before even knowing that it was crazy, just being outraged. She was in my ninth grade history class

when I told our brand new 25-year-old teacher that her butt shakes when she writes on the board. Damn, dude. That fucked her up. I saw her like three, three months ago, that teacher. And she was like, she was like, yeah, I remember your class. She was very kind and being like, Oh, but sir, back in the nineties, I was upset. I didn't have big fat tits. And now look at me at a jiggly, but yeah, that's so funny.

She goes, and my big fat tits are still here. Yeah, dude, I think it really, it makes me feel less crazy when those things happen. Like I don't have anything personal against any of the people I was just saying that. I don't have a personal thing against Sherri Seinfeld at all. If anything, I would thank him for all the stuff he's made because when I am sick, I love putting on Seinfeld.

It's my favorite show. It warms my heart. Well Well and ideal shatterers are actually just as important to your life as actual heroes. So it's like if you can get reality from that like if this guy isn't what you built him up to be and you run into him in real life you're like wow thank you for this gift. I no longer have to idolize strangers. Well now I'm watching my friends get idolized. I'm watching Nate get idolized. I'm watching Nate get idolized, I'm watching Shane get idolized, and it's like, watching-

What is that like to watch Shane have little creations? Like not like people that are doing Shane on stage. Which are a lot. A lot, a tremendous amount. But I think that's just a part of comedy. I think when I started, everyone was doing Dane Cook. When I moved to New York, everyone was doing Dave Attell. I think even Shane Atmits, he was doing Louie

for a long time. You know, like I was doing Burr for like, 07 to 09, when you're just like trying to figure it out. So I think that's like part of comedy, is if when you have an impact, there's ripples. When you drop a big enough rock into a pond, it's gonna spread. I think there's something important

in telling people they're doing, Shane, because I think that's important. I remember watching people be told they were doing a tell, and then you watch it. Dude, Nate, literally, one time I got off stage, he goes, you're doing burr. And I listened to the set, and I was like, he's right. I gotta talk more like myself.

And then you just kind of guide yourself. So you stop watching that, you get away from it. Shane's also the best. So like, of course people are gonna mimic the best because he's doing it. But there was a, I did a show in Chicago and there was a really funny young comic and he was doing the double

hands thing. Now, double hands thing could be a tell, but more modern it is Shane. Totally. With the hand off, back in, the shrug, the... I've seen a fair amount of belly rubs as well. You know, Nate started the Admiral. The Admiral. Nate, and full credit, Nate started the Admiral and then Shane, self admittedly, we all started doing it

because you look at it and because stand up is about writing jokes, but it's also learning what to do with your fucking hands. 100 percent. You know, kids, dude, there's no other time. I feel wavy. Hey, anyways, you feel insecure whenever you feel your arm be almost like down. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? You move and I hate putting my hand in my pocket. Yeah, I used to put my hand in my back pocket like I'm being a sexy the fuck are you doing? I have to move, and I hate putting my hand in my pocket. Yeah. I used to put my hand in my back pocket,

like I'm being a little sexy. Little teapot. Little teapot, pull me over and pour me out. I know this shit's boring, but it's true. It's like trying to figure that out. So when you see a guy like Shane had the double mic thing, well, now his hands are taken care of, and it was a good delivery service of like joke and joke.

So I did a show in Chicago and super funny comic guy. I think his name I don't want to fuck his name up. His name is Joe. After I was like, dude, you're fucking super funny. You're doing the Shane hand thing. And he's like, I know I love Shane. And I was like, I know everybody does. But just like, I'm not telling you like, you know, you're ripping them off. Yeah. Say like, watch out for it. Right. Right.

And he was not upset about he was like you're ripping them off. I'm saying like watch out for it. Right, right. And he was not upset about, he was like dude thank you. Yeah. Because I don't think, there's this weird thing where people don't want to tell each other the truth. They don't want to go, you're doing like right to the point. Yeah. Because if you're right to the point,

people are like you're a dickhead. Maybe Seinfeld's just right to the point. Yeah, maybe. That's his last word. You're in my way, make right by the jokes. And you're like okay. Right. to the point. That's your in my way. Make right by their jokes. Okay, right. I, you got, you got a hair transplant and you're not talking about it. And I think that's where you're as a guy with hair tits.

I think you got to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like when celebrities show up with, with fucking tinier foreheads, maybe say something, get right to the point. But do you feel like with your, like, you have two kids now. Yeah, yeah. With the amount of podcasts and stand-ups you've done, are you worried for the day that your son discovers all the podcasts you've been on? I'm almost like, I'll be impressed if he does.

Like, at this point I've done so many, there's so much shit of me out there that like, if he's actually interested in combing through that stuff, I'll be like, wow, did I do a good job parenting? I'll tell you what, if you die, he will listen to every, if my dad was on a podcast. Oof, that didn't consider that one.

If I found a podcast from the 70s of my dad being like, that Coke was great last night, I'd be playing fucking college football, and be like, damn, my dad was fucking partying. I'm looking forward to that though a little bit because I have no authentic glimpse at my own father. I have no real, like what he was like, even his brothers are like, can't tell you that.

It's like, that's his whole life. Please, tell me. Yeah, I'm 39. I would love to hear about it. Please tell me. I'm entering my 40s and I have two children. You could tell me that my dad fingered a lady at fucking a drive-in movie theater.

It's not gonna blow my mind. Not at all. I mean, we talked about it on this podcast, but I found a letter my dad wrote to my grandma, pussy-whipped. He was like, straight up pussy-whipped. Like, you read the letter and you're like, he's like 25 in it.

And you're like, yeah, and I'm 41 now. I look back, I'm like, that's a kid. I know that thought. I'm not making fun of, I mean, I'm making fun of my dad. But I'm also like, I've never got to have a moment where I'm like, oh yeah, you were I know that thought. I'm not making fun of, I mean, I'm making fun of my dad, but I'm also like, I've never got to have a moment where I'm like, oh yeah, you were a guy. You were a guy like me. And you got married young and had a baby,

and then you got out of that, and you got like new pussy, and you were talking about it, the way 25 year old boys talk about getting new pussy. It's the best. She just stuffed the last one you didn't even think about doing. That's love. And you go, nah, nah, nah, your pussy with. Because they didn't even think about doing

Because they didn't have any authentic like you said, yeah, you couldn't really get the authentic thing where like I'm not having kids But my you know, whatever one of my friends kids that I'm close with if they were to watch on my podcast They'd be like I have a pretty good idea who Dan was. Yeah, I mean that's it Maybe it's almost a reaction. It is definitely a reaction to my father never filling me in on anything. But it's I've also held him in such high regard that turned out to be false, where it's like, oh, at least now if my son likes me, he'll know, he'll know who I am through and through. Well, I think that's also like kind of a ongoing theme with your relationships is that like you

have these relationships where people actually know you. Yeah, yeah. That's where it gets dangerous. It's like when you have a lot of relationships with people that they don't really know you, they start thinking, they start treating you like you're one thing when you're like, well I'm not even that. That's why it's got to feel crazy to be that famous because everyone's just like, no this is who you are in my mind. Totally. I mean I almost feel that way still, even to this day, because I have so much social anxiety that has just kind of popped up over the last few years. But I feel that way with people that I've known for years in comedy,

where it's like, oh, they've seen glimpses of who I am, but they don't really know who I am. Oh, yeah. I would say that's probably most people in any work environment. Yeah. I think outside, it's not just comedy. I think if you work at an office or whatever, there's moments where people see probably the real you, but have no idea. It's like going to someone's house.

You're like, oh, this is where you live? This is what it smells like. Oh, I didn't know you collected Barbies. That's weird. I'm sure there's people, if they saw this bookcase who knew me, they'd be like, so you just stunted, just arrested development. And you're like, oh, 100%,

I like knickknacks and toys and books and I'm a giant child and I'm emotionally 14. Knickknacks fucking rule though I think yeah I mean my son's a big knickknack kid love it he just collects that's his whole life. That's what I was like we cleaned out my grandma's townhouse but I'm upset I didn't take it because it got trashed I'm actually'm upset I didn't take it because it got trashed. I'm actually genuinely upset I didn't grab it. There was an Energizer bunny that they used to sell like Christmas at 88. Yeah. And it was like when the Energizer bunny first came out and I had it and I put it on my grandma's bookcase when I was little and it stayed there.

I mean until they cleared out decades. I wish I would have grabbed it on the last trip I left it. I was like I'm'm gonna leave this little piece here, but now I'm like, I should have put it on the bookcase. Because I loved knickknacks like your son. Yeah, yeah. You just have little things and you're like, oh, I like this. And it's also like, I mean,

it seems like you're this exact way, but I hold everything that I loved as a child in such high regard still. There's nothing that could make me break up with it. Like the movie Rad is an 80s BMX movie that I literally named my first son after. That's how much I love, like the things I loved as a child.

Wait, you named your kid after Rad? Crew, yeah. That's my son's name. Yeah, I named him after the lead character. That's not even the guy's name in the movie. That's his nickname. His name is Christopher. That's so funny.

And they go, what about Christopher? You go, nah, Crew. Yeah, Crew. No, dude, that's so- That people think I named it after Chrissy Dane. That's so funny. And they go, what about Christopher? He goes, nah, crew. Yeah, crew. No, dude, that's so- That people think I named it after Chrissy Dade. That's so funny. You go, that's how good of a co-host you were on that podcast. Yeah, that's like, I mean, dude, that's hilarious. Yeah, I named my son after the rollerblading movie Airborne. His name's Devil's Backbone. That was the course. But it was a big movie

for him. But I really do, I think there's like, I think there's a part of that. Do you remember when you were growing up in the people that you knew that were too quick to become adults? Yeah. Like where there were like 12 wearing cologne? Yeah, yes, yeah, I do.

What the fuck are you doing 12 years old wearing cologne? But I feel like those- I idolize those people though, because I don't know, I've always looked for people that look like they have it figured out because I'm- That's humanity. I'm in shambles at all times. I think that's the reason that cult leaders,

tent preachers, business CEOs, that's like, did he got his power because did he act like he knew what he was doing? 100%, yeah, yeah. No one knows what they're doing. No, I remember this kid, Chris Walsh, that I grew up with, went through puberty when he act like he knew what he was doing? 100% yeah yeah no one knows what they're doing. I remember this kid Chris Walsh that I grew up with went through puberty when he was like eight and he was the best athlete far and wide in my town for like I mean almost a solid decade like 10 years yeah but he's still like I would assume I haven't seen him in adulthood but he stayed

stopped growing at like 15. Oh my god. He was like five seven five eight for the rest of his life but I was always just so I'm like, you're my fucking idol, dude. The way you play middle school bet baseball is unbelievable. I remember like, I remember that feeling of being like middle school, high school, and seeing a guy like confident in himself and wear like a hat or something. Yeah. This guy has no problems in the world. Rolls off him like a fucking water off a duck's back.

I also had no pubes until ninth grade. So I think that was a big thing where I was like, I didn't grow until my junior year. I was like small until my junior year. I was like gangly with a big head. I look like a bobblehead doll. I used to stand next to my window in my room and like pull my pants down to find pubes.

That's so funny. Like in the sunlight because it would glisten and the contrast would be a bit more. That'd be good. Shout out Nick Myers and Jason Poyle. We were in like seventh or eighth grade and they were like bragging about getting pubes and we were like going to a girl's house and I had to lie.

I was like, oh yeah, I got a couple. And they were like, oh yeah, we gotta go. We gotta go. I think we're running late. Cause you were like, oh fuck, oh fuck. You don't realize how important that is, but then also now, now that we're, you know, I'm in my forties and you're reaching there,

it's like, you just want to go back to that kid and go to just enjoy being 11 and 12. Like, soak it up, dude. Cause it ends so fast, but you don't realize, cause it feels forever. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's still like, I feel like every moment of my life I've been like, like really reaching for the next level,

every single and I still even at this age have not learned to relax and enjoy and remain back. And you go like, you know, everyone goes, Oh, if I went back to high school, I'd get so much pussy. Or if I went back to high school, it's like, well, yeah, with your adult brain, because you'd be confident. You would be like, oh, I don't need this. This is all stupid. Right.

But don't tell me you would kill it in high school. You'd have to do homework again. You'd have to go to classes and take notes. You're not killing it. You'd be like, fuck this shit. With your adult brain? Yeah. With your adult brain? Yeah.

With your adult brain? Dude, I woke up this morning, I could smoke a bowl if I felt like it. I woke up, I could just rub a lady's butt. I'm married to a lady. I could just rub her butt. Rub her butt as long as I want. That is pretty cool to have a butt to rub on demand.

Just wake up and go, I'm butt rubbing this morning. Just magic a ball start to your day. I'll make a coffee, I'll smoke weed. I'll blow everything off, play college football for three hours. I'll get in trouble, but I'll fucking do it. I can fucking do it. But then I remember so many times being like, if I go back to high school, the idea is great.

But I think whenever I would say that, I would be saying that because I know myself better. And I was so like, even in my 20s, you're talking about dating your wife and having that break between late teens, early 20s. Dude, when I moved here and I was doing standup, if I were Louis or Bill Burr or Seinfeld, I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

Me just standing outside. Patrice used to say that all the time. When young comics are outside and be like, don't I don't want your fucking weird young comic energy. And you're like, Oh no, he was right. Yeah. I mean, I still, it is funny because I'm faced with myself all the time. As are you, it's just young comics that are like, so yeah, especially at skank fest where they're like, Oh my God, like, you know,

and I love talking about it. It's awesome. I love talking about it because I still love comedy the same as I did. And it's also like fun to talk to a young comic to be like, ah, it's all bullshit. Don't worry about this. But also, I mean, it's crazy to think about this. If you really want to go full circle,

the way that those old guys, it would have been nice to know that those older comics are like, everything's changing. Yes. Nothing is the same. Yeah. Like they used to do Carson. They did are like, everything's changing. Yes. Nothing is the same. Yeah. Like they used to do Carson. They did Carson and they were millionaires.

They would do a fucking, an hour special once every seven years and everyone would be like, yeah. And now everyone's like, all the time, dump everything you have. And you're just like, ah, ah, ah. But it's, everything changes and everything's evolving and no one knows what's actually

happening. That should be the piece that it brings you. But again, it was all dudes that thought they had it figured out because it was an established business model. Things didn't change all that drastically. If anything, there were just a few more opportunities that would pop up here and there. And then once the flood hit, Eddie Brill, you knew Eddie Brill was booking Letterman. You knew if Eddie Brill saw you and he liked you,

there's a chance you're going to get on Letterman. If you get on Letterman, you can maybe work the improvs and the funny bones and all this. And now they're like, do you have 5 million Instagram followers? You're like, no, I was doing the other thing. And I go, well, we don't do that anymore. And you go, well then fuck me. Can you come on our show, do five minutes and save our failing business model? Please. But it really, it's like, um, you know, I think whenever you feel like a, and I go through it all the time, but whenever I feel a giant pain of like

insecurity or anxiety or whatever, it's nice to go like, how there's 8 billion other people feeling the same exact thing. No one is like, how there's 8 billion other people feeling the same exact thing. Yeah. No one is like, and that's kind of what's been cool about being able to do shows with guys that I idolize or guys that I see are cool. And like you realize like they, they got problems. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. We've got a host of shit that you have no idea what's going on. No, that's a, it's actually being friends with you guys, like truly you, Mark, Joe, Sam, like that era,

you were all like the step ahead of me when I first came into the city and like established and working and so fucking good at comedy that I still feel weird around you guys. Yeah, it's so funny, because we've been friends forever. I know. Yeah, we've known each other over a decade.

And it's still like, oh, that's Dan So. Like I still, even though we're friends. Bobby Kelly calls me, I still get very excited. Yeah, yeah. And I love Bobby. He's like one of my close friends, but I still get that excitement. I'm like fucking Bobby Kelly's going. If you guys are in the back of the room or I'm on stage, forget it dude. Jim Norton just said, what's up? Yeah. I'm like, Oh fuck it. I love a little Jimmy. You know what I mean? Like, cause I think those are, it's not growing out of that.

Like you got to keep some of that magic. Like genuinely, I could probably have a conversation with Seinfeld and you can be like, do you know how much it costs upkeep portions? Do you have any idea? I own 20,000 portions and it's hard to keep up. And I'd be like, I never knew you had that anxiety. He's like, that sucks. Transplants. I gotta notice too much stuff. And you're like, Oh, that sucks. Of course I don't talk about my hair transplants. I gotta notice too much stuff. And you're like, oh, thank God. It just, that's like nice.

It's nice to know that. Yeah, yeah. It is nice to be hit with somebody else's problems. Humanity. It's just nice to know when someone's like human. And it's kind of nice when Tom Brady sucks at broadcasting. Totally. Cause you're like, oh, you're not great at everything you do.

I bet he'll get good at it. 100%. Because he's got that fucking mentality. mentality won't allow himself to be bad. Yeah. But you're like, Oh, okay. Kind of suck at it for a little bit. It's kind of nice watching people who are great at stuff, suck at other stuff. It's nice. He's already doing the thing that like I, I we were doing on our podcast when it was getting low numbers and then we'd like to, we'd bring back like poetry or something that we wrote as a teenager. He wrote the pros and cons of becoming a

bear. He's like guys I have content. I told Katie every week he's gonna do that he goes you know I almost thought about going to the Jaguars. Stop Tom. Tom you know I could have fucked her. Every bear fan was like oh and by the way I know that because I'm a 49ers fan and he did that with the 49ers. He goes, I tried to go to the 49ers in 2020. And I'm like, oh, just kissing the air. Oh, we would have been back in the Super Bowl. Oh, fuck, oh, why did we go with Jimmy Garoppolo

that second year? Mm, but you're like, it's bullshit. He's just, he's honeydipping you. He's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no. I thought I was gonna be a bear. Let's go to their game. And's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no. I thought I was gonna be a bear. Let's go to their game. And everyone's like, mm.

Liar. You were gonna go to the Bears in 2020? You weren't gonna go to them. I don't even know who they had. They weren't a good team. Like, that's bullshit. He was gonna go to one of three teams. And he went to the Buccaneers

because they built an all-star team for him. They went one year. It's in fucking Florida. They went one year fucking Florida. They went one and done. Yeah. No taxes. You can live by your other kid. And he went, I'll do it.

Whatever. My father other kid first kid. I've always said the greatest storyline. Because you know Tom Brady was pregnant with Bridget Mooney. That's right. Yeah. And he left for Giselle. Who was hot in the recruit.

She's unbelievable. Yeah. She was smoking. Big crush on. Then he left for Giselle. Yeah, who was hot in the recruit. She's unbelievable. Yeah, she was smoking hot. I had such a big crush on her. I wanted him to stay with her. Yeah. But I get it, he goes and gets Giselle Bündchen, supermodel, but I always thought it was- Hispanic avatar.

Yeah, where she's like, pump me full of babies. She's like, but I always thought it would have been really funny is if Tom Brady's son with Bridget Moiningham, like, you know how he went to Michigan Michigan he's like a quarterback or whatever like just train that first kid to be like the meanest linebacker and go to Ohio State and just be like I'm gonna fucking destroy quarterbacks

eat quarterbacks guy kiss me on the lips in front of the press, I'm gonna fucking kill him. Yeah, while he was laying down. I think that was the bigger issue, is the kiss was while he was flat on his back. Yeah. Whoa, I remember kissing my dad, and after like five, I was like, yo, is this shit gay?

Yeah, it's wet and hairy. Yeah, I had a mustache, I was like, yo, can we handshake? This shit feels gay. He's like, bye. And you're like, ew, are you gay, dad? I can? This shit feels gay. It's like, bye. And you're like, ew. Are you gay, Dad? I can't even kiss my son.

I kiss my son on his head, on his cheeks, all that stuff. But if I plant one on his lips, kids have such wet mouths that it's just too much. Does he kiss your wife on the lips? Sometimes. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Just put this in your mind. Track when that gets weird. When kissing your mom, when your mom goes, I think so just put this in your mind. Okay track when when that gets weird when kissing your mom when your mom goes, yeah, you go fucking kissing you lady. I think it's already there. He's already like mom. Yeah, like still six five. Yeah. Oh yeah. So he's right at that

time. He goes, yeah, that's his leap. I'm trying to fuck you mom. That's that's what happens when you go to kindergarten out of nowhere. You were like you have ninety percent of your influences from your parents. Sure. Then you go to kindergarten, you ride the bus and you're like, you emancipated yourself from everything. You're like, I don't even fucking know you losers. He did the gritty home like the other day and I was like, dude, what the fuck is happening right now?

Your son's hitting the grid. He's coming home. He's like, I learned about numbers today. I'm kind of sick. Your son's hitting the grid. He's coming home. He's like, I learned about numbers today. That is sick. That is, but that's, that's the fun part of being a parent. You get to watch all the things that like you're going through. You're a smart guy. You also like work on yourself and you do drugs and that kind of stuff where you

get perspective. Yes. Um like our parents' generation, which was like dive into alcohol and no one else is your worries. You get to like, as you fix your problems, you get to watch your son start his. Totally. That's what being a good dad is. Yeah, yeah.

And it won't give them the tools to be like, hey, don't idolize people. Yeah, and also acknowledge the fact that I had a childhood, like so much of my childhood was my parents seemingly never have been like kids for an hour of their lives. The boomers love to tell you that they're like, they act like chimney sweeps, like they got put at to work at like fucking five years old. And some of them did, my mom worked for the time she was like 13 on,

but she hit me with like that. What? I was your age. I did this and you like well, it sounds like it sucked Right, right. Why don't we change that? So why are we doing this? Why are we running it back when you self admittedly said it fucking blue? Yes, my dad was like he was one of eight in Levittown, Long Island Oh, so like the way the first suburb. Yeah in America. Yeah. Oh, and well and I asked them recently I was like were you guys like aware of the racial component? Oh, like the reason they built suburbs were sure black people did not move out Well and levy John Levitt the guy who designed Levittown, Long Island and Levittown, Pennsylvania

But post World War two it was meant for baby Booner Boomers And there was one black family that moved in and they were the subject of like Molotov cocktails like people trying to violently evict them from their homes and I asked my dad like did you guys know that was going on he's like I really yeah dude my grandma before she like you know she was still around I would ask her because she's born in 1927 in Oklahoma like moved the California way not because of the Dust Bowl, it's fun to say that, but it's her dad got a job out in the Bay Area. So she's like 15 years old living in Oakland.

And I'm like going to school in Oakland and I'm like, were you racist? I go, you must've been racist. And she's like, no, you know, I had never seen black people before because she's come from Oklahoma. And she was like, but they were just people. So then you go, oh, that's real chill.

My grandma was one of the ones that wasn't racist. Meanwhile, I have a black cousin that no one ever talks to. So you're like, well, Dana, I think you were kind of real racist. I think you were super fucked up and you probably owe Naishaun a giant apology. Because I've never met her and she hates our family

and I get it. Wow. And I get it because I have a cousin that's like, yeah, fuck you guys. And you're like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I'm also like, by the way, I'm white and they were shitty to me.

This family did not miss. They were a, I honestly, they might not be racist. They might just be horrible parents. Yeah. Everyone in that family might've just been really bad at fucking being a family. I had, I have a cousin who would did that thing where like grew up a certain way, had that break free of like everybody here is racist. This is fucked up. And now she's a radicalized muscle. Like she's like in ISIS and so

long dude, like the curvy letters on her Facebook, the whole cover up, posting wild anti-America shit. And you're like, wow, that's the, that's the line. Whenever you see her, just a la bar. Just, Hey, I just, that's so funny. Does it have a cousin that you're like, what's your name now? I haven't seen her in, I mean, minimum 25 years. Oh really? Like this is only kept up through social media.

Crazy. And she's open about it. But that's also, I think that would have been cooler back in the day to have like a mysterious cousin that's Muslim. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's like, you haven't seen her and you're like, is that Penny?

And she's like, assalamu alaikum. And you're like, what should I call you? I'm named after the Nile. You're like, oh fuck, all right, this sounds way more precision. Because now you like watch people change, so the change isn't as effective as people just showing up. That's why I think high school reunions now aren't shit.

No, they suck. Because everyone watches you grow. The whole point of high school reunions back in the day was someone to show up and be like, what the fuck? Oh my God, what are the fuck? And then now you're like, yeah, no, I follow you on Instagram. You're insufferable. Yep. Yeah. I mean, that's like my 20th year was last year, I guess 23 and it didn't happen because of social media. People were just like, nobody gives a fuck dude. We all see how we're doing.

Mine was 2021 and they were like, are you gonna come? You're like, I talked to every, I have, I have touched with everyone from high school that I'm supposed to have touch with. Me too, me too. I'm still friends with all my boys that I grew up with. And that's, that's that. Some of them actually watched this podcast.

Nice. Which is crazy. Hey guys. Hi boys. Kind of like the garage, huh? We're gonna get high after this, so it really is. But it is, high school unions are a dated thing.

Yeah, I are tenured. Like writing letters. You're like, who the fuck does that? Text me. It's only for people in prison. High school unions are only for people in prison. I can't wait to get out, I'm gonna go go wow everybody.

Yeah, as everything changes, you can like, because as we get older, I think we're also starting to hit that thing right now where I'm getting a little crotchety towards change where I'm like, why has it got to change? It was good the way it was. You're like, well, it wasn't good for everybody. So maybe it is changing.

I think right now, I'm excited for a bunch of shit to change truly. Well like Specifically what like socially or just like the way everyone's acting. Yeah, I want like I want I wish there was like a social Solar flare. Yes, like something that could just completely fucking wipe out people's behavior and make them start from zero And then we can yeah, then we can you know blow in the controller start fresh? See if we can say hi and look each other in the eyes just hit the reset button yeah because most people face to face are great mm-hmm but no but there is you know there's I don't know man it's fucking there's a lot of shit where you're like I hate I think it's never been better and it's never

been worse yeah yeah like I think that's how it is I've never been better and it's never been worse. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's how it is. I've never been closer to John Goodman in the big Lebowski, like literally like packing my gun and does anybody follow the rules? That's like my whole fucking thing. Dude, you're a white guy about to hit your 40s. All we care about is the rules. It's all about the rules. Those are the rules. You're not following the rules.

Some will skip. You're boarding right now. You're not you're not zone one. You're not zone one. I saw the rules. You're not following the rules. Some of those skip you're boring right now. You're not, you're not zone one. You're not zone. I saw your ticket. You zone three. The fuck are you doing? Oh, speaking of which just a little aside, I saw Feeney get picked off yesterday trying to pull that shit. He's always an early zone jumper and he's like, Oh no, I'm in the one before you. And I saw him go up there and the lady goes, that's not right and pushed him to the side and he waited by himself. Can I tell you my favorite thing to do in those moments? It does happen often. I'll be waiting

there and I'll see someone jump there. I'll see someone jump the route. I'll see him try to go for the pick six but then they get fucking denied. They get mutumbo'd. RIP King. When that happens most of the time, if I'm in fucking old white. I love rules dude. It's so funny to do that though. Like sir, we're not born in that. You just go, I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white.

I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white. I'm a fucking old white.. I'm an old white. I love rules, dude. It's so funny to do that. You go like, sir, we're not born in that. You just go, defense.

Oh my god. I hope that spreads. Yeah. Start doing it, dude. Start doing it anymore. Because you are, it's the shame. Shame. Yeah.

Shame. You're saying. One time I walked, I told this story in the bonfire, but it was one of my favorite moments of wedding tables. When the collapse happened in 08, we got a ton of Europeans that would come and eat at Dos Caminos, not tip. One time during lunch, it was crazy busy

and this guy with like his whore, just this lady, if she wasn't a whore, to quote the great Dave Chappelle, you're wearing a whore's uniform. But she was like dressed like a whore and they sit down and I'm in the weeds. I'm fucking, I'm so behind on every table. And he sits down and he's got the menu and he goes, Bistek. And I go, excuse me? And he goes, Bistek.

I go, well we have two items that are steak. We have the Asada tacos and we have the Asada burrito, but we don't have a steak. And he goes, steak, I want steak. And burrito, but we don't have a steak and he goes, steak, I want steak. And I go, well, we don't have that. And he goes, you don't have that, I leave. And he puts the menu down and I go, bye. And he gets up and walks away.

And as he was leaving, I slapped the ground like a point guard. And I did that. Hiked up your slacks. Yeah, I did, I picked up my pants and I slapped the ground. My friend Lose, who was bartending was like, did you just point guard defense that Spanish couple from leaving? And I was like, God damn right I did, dude.

Fuck it, pistols, pistols, pistols, pistols, dude. Come get some. Come get some, dude. I'll lock you down. As a white point guard, that was like my whole role. Slapped the floor, cleaned the bottom of my feet, then just dirty palms up. I'll give my squeaks on dude.

Pre-sticky man. You have to do it yourself. I knew you'd appreciate that as a basketball fan. Just walk at him. Mike Cannon is hilarious. He's got a special, a brand new special out on YouTube. Anxiety, a traumatized animal, traumatized animal filmed at Stanford, New York Yeah at the New York Club in Stanford, Connecticut that room fucking rules the room rules Yeah, and you walk in that room and you kind of go is this gonna be a good room and the show starts

You're like, oh, this is a fucking it feels like theater club hybrid in the sense that like and that's the sound we got from It to where it's like super intimate. Everybody's kind of on top of you, but it booms. Yeah. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Um, so check out traumatized animal on YouTube right now. You're the man. Appreciate you having me. Thanks for having me.