Soder - 66: OCD Boot Camp with Graham Kay | Soder Podcast | EP 64

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Support the sponsors to support the show And wouldja look at that? Folks, for a limited time, our friends at Chubbies are giving our listeners 20% off with the promo code SODER at checkout at chubbiesshorts.com. That’s 20% off your order with the promo code Soder Support our show and tell them we sent you! Embrace the freedom to move, the confidence to shine, and the style to stand out with Chubbies! https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/soder for our listeners. Right now get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription but only for our listeners - at Babbel.com/SODER Get up to 60% off at Babbel.com/SODER Rules and restrictions may apply. Babbel.com/SODER Dan is on the road all 2025! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Jan 30 - Feb 1 - Winnipeg, Canada Feb 20 - 22 - Huntsville, AL Feb 28 - San Diego, CA March 1 - Los Angeles, CA March 2 - San Francisco, CA May 15 - Albany May 16 - Burlington,VT June 6 - Red Bank,NJ Follow Graham Kay https://www.youtube.com/@GrahamKayComedy https://www.instagram.com/mrgrahamkay/?hl=en https://x.com/i/flow/login?redirect_after_login=%2Fmrgrahamkay PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by   @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Alabama, I've never done shows in Alabama. Guess what, that's about to change. February 20th through the 22nd I will be in Huntsville, Alabama at Levity Live for 5 shows. Grand Rapids, Michigan, I will see you March 8th. I'll be headlining a show for Gildas Fest. One show, come on out, California. It's such a, I don't have a singing voice. I have a voice for stand up.

And thank God that's what I'm doing in California February 28th, I will be at the Balboa theater in San Diego March 1st, I will be at the United theater in Los Angeles and then march 2nd. That's a sunday I will be at the palace of fine arts in san francisco. All those tickets are available danceholder.com go get them right now in San Francisco. All those tickets are available. Danceholder.com. Go get them right now. Knowing your side. Yeah. I don't know what my good side is. Yeah. I have a big head. Whatever side you're on right now, that's not it honey. Oh, work girl. Work. Good side? Bad side. No, I do. I have like, I'm... I have like, I'm not... I do... I have a lot of gay

traits, except for the sex stuff. Interior design. Interior design. Never married. Yeah. He has roommates. That's what all your family members say. That's Graham's roommate. He's a confirmed bachelor.

That was crazy that back in the day they just didn't let anyone be gay. Yeah. They're like, he's just a single man that lives at home with his friend Brian. Yeah, his friend Brian. He lives with his friend Brian. And my parents are like, there was two old lesbians that lived in the end of our block. And that's what they were, but my parents said that they were spinsters.

Like they just never married so they became friends. That's an old term. It's like they clearly. They munch carpet, mom and dad. Hold on, I gotta look to see what, I'm looking up what spinsters. It's a disparaging and offensive comment. A woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying.

Yeah, disgusting. A woman who has never married, a woman whose occupation is spinning is the third. This bitch just spins around. Which sucks if your job is spinning and then they go, she's a spinster and you go, I'm married. I get dick. I just like break dancing.

I just love going like this. I love getting dizzy. I get dizzy. I just like breakdancing. I just love going like this. I Love getting dizzy. Yeah, I get dizzy. I get dizzy like a motherfucker and then everyone's out here thinking I'm a lesbo Yeah, did they did they have like the the lesbians at the end of your parents block? Did they have like the flannel short haircut? Were they like obvious lesbians or were they just like two older ladies that hung out a lot? They looked like two old ladies. I think they were before they're old. They were old. They were probably born in like the 19 twenties. So they were before they knew about flannel.

They just wear like long dresses. God knows what they wore behind closed doors. When did the, when did the Lesbo look come out? Like, oh, that's kind of a fun way to say that, but like when did it premiere of like being butch? Cause I mean, I bet it's always been around. Yeah, well, I guess it's kind of interesting because when I look back at the first, my first two lesbians is what I call them.

Yeah, yeah. They- They were your starting lesbians. Yeah, I guess they were just like, whatever is not attractive to men. And you knew that when you were young, you would see that in men. No, I was like, they're two old ladies.

And then you grow up and you're like, oh, they were lesbians. Oh, you go. Yeah, yeah. You just, you say to them, you go, oh, you two were, I got it. And that was a wide one. Yeah. Yeah.

She wasn't a lesbian. I'll tell you that she might've been a girth monster. Yeah. That's always my mom had a neighbor that was gay and she was like, stereo, you know, like stereotypically lesbian, like masculine, acted masculine, like was, you know, she stereotypically lesbian. Yeah. Like masculine acting man. Like was, you know, she was like, Hey, how you doing? To the point where you're like, Oh, you're, she wasn't like an old woman that you're like, Oh, she's not married. Maybe she's gay. You were like, you love pussy.

I love that she came in the room and you were like, this woman loves pussy. I love that people like see those people and they're in their head. They're like, they chose that. Yeah. Like that's who they are. It's like hi. That's how I've always felt on the subway when I when I see like a gay guy on the subway and you're like that guy is exactly who he's supposed to be. He's just like hi. You're just like that guy loves penis. And it off offends me and it is against God's will and so I will attack him The second we get above ground I will attack him Irrational gay basher he goes I'm upset by this and when the time is right, I will reset God's order

What other gay stuff do you do besides interior design to design? clothes What other gay stuff do you do besides interior design? Interior design, clothes. I think you dress. I butched it up for this pot. Oh yeah, you had to really muck it up to make it look like one of the boys. You're not really gonna dress like I don't care. You had just an insane outfit on and you go,

God, I look great. Not for Dan though. I can really, not for Dan. Dan, I'll confuse him. Are you often called a sharp dresser? Yeah, I think so especially in comedy circles I mean it appears a thing if I was black no one would notice no But if you're white and you care people are like well look at you. What are you gay?

Those are some of like well if I was wearing matching shoes and a hat and I was black people like there's a normal guy There's a normal straight guy trying to get puss You know want to dress like a comic you just have to look like a heroin addict. There's a normal straight guy trying to get puss. You know, you want to dress like a comic. You just have to look like a heroin addict. Yeah. Just wear like a lesbian. Yeah.

Post when they figured out the butch look. When their look really hit the streets. Yeah. If you not spinster, you, you know what it looks, if you want to dress like a comedian, you just have to wear clothes that you look like you can sleep in.

Yes. Everybody looks like they can just take a nap. Everyone looks like they're at the airport. Yeah. Yeah. It's all travel shit like that. But you're right. I think as a white guy, if you have any style, like, what are you gay? Yeah. There's a guy online that I used to, he used to pop up on my Instagram feed. He's like an old man, old white dude. And he would get off his fits and he'd be like,

these are my fits for the next coming week. And he was such a sharp dresser, they were like, that's cool. Yeah. Like an old white guy that's like, I found these sick Adidas that I'm gonna pair with these green slacks and this yellow shirt.

We're not supposed to, as whites, we're not supposed to peacock. Yeah. Because it's like, who are you? Subconsciously, we're supposed to have everything, I guess, so we're like, ooh, you know? No I, because it's like, who are you? Consciously we were supposed to be like have everything I guess. So we're like, Ooh, you know, I think it's, it's like how rich people have dirty shoes and poor people have clean shoes and rims on their car. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're trying to, you're, everyone's trying to look, look more in the middle

so they don't stand out. Yeah. Well, rich people do it because they're afraid they're going to get robbed. I think. Yeah, maybe. And I think like white people peacocking, there's something about white people that are like, who do you think you are? Yeah, I get upset. Where black people go like, a black person complimenting your outfit feels so good. Oh my God. They go, look at you.

You look good today. And you go, thank you. Yeah. But a white guy goes, who the fuck do you think you are? Oh yeah, Eric Canes said the other day, he goes, I see what you're doing, man. I like it. I was like.

Oh, that's when you're gay? Because my gay thing is I probably giggle and shriek more than I should. And then leave a room? I am very like. That is gay, no, no, no, no, no, no, that is gay. Yeah. No, you are a gay man. I would say the thing that I do as the gayest is I go like,

whoo, like I get the way I get excited. That's nice. I can't get excited around people. I have to go like, no, that sucks. And then I go somewhere private. I go like, yeah, yeah. That's my, I don't like what you, yeah, you didn't like that. I got a little homophobic there. See what I mean? I, uh, yeah. So,

so really you should probably check your privilege. I don't even know what that means. I just say that to you. You should probably check that. Yeah, dude. I think every guy does gay stuff. It's just what gay stuff you do. And then if you butt fuck, you go, well, now you're gay. Now you're gay. If you blow a guy or a butt fuck. Yeah fuck Yeah, I I've been waiting for a gay dream my whole life and to go like fine them like a wall like I okay I like interior design. I like Clothes I like shopping. I like shopping for clothes. Do you do shop there? Shop to feel better maybe well, you know what I do is I'll go, I'll just go into a store and look around.

And just try on clothes. I always feel really bad about that. Yeah, well I don't ask for help. But even when I just go like, I feel like a boy's- Did you ever work retail? I worked retail. No.

Yeah. Never worked retail. When I worked, I worked in like a high end, like I sold Hugo Boss suits in Ottawa. So it's like all, Ottawa is the capital of Canada, so there's like all these like foreign dignitaries. Sure. That's your guys' DC. Yeah, yeah. That's right. That's what a capital city is. Very good. And so I would like-

Who says you don't learn stuff? Yeah, yeah. Very good. That's your guys' DC. I'm telling you right now, there is a fan of mine that goes okay yeah why you should get a fan base that's very close to who you are because I know that's always watching that goes I've never thought about it like that it's why I don't have a lot of fans there's not like a lot of half gay guys like I've been in fights. Yeah. You used to play hockey. You're a great athlete. Yeah, I was. I was an OK athlete, but

but you were selling Hugo Boss suits. And and I was so bad at it like that when like you had to have a a book with all your clients in it and like write down their names and like if they had kids was this and like their sizes it was post internet but like you know there was like that 10 year period where I'm still on books how old do I think you are I was like this pre-internet like you're fucking 70 we're the same

age I'm like this pre-internet motherfucker you grew up with the internet I am like like a couple years older than you, and it's just enough. Like, I didn't have a cell phone until I was out of college. Really? Yeah. That is older. Yeah. I also have like a weird life. I didn't buy my, I didn't get a driver's license

until I was 21. I bought my first car at 32. What the fuck? Old man. All right, tell me about your little sales book. Didn't have cars. You old fogie. Yeah. But you had a but you're my first cell phone on a donkey I remember I remember when smoke had made you strong and Guinness was good for you it's good

for you and um so you had a sales book so anyway the you everyone like wrote down like their clients and like personal stuff and then when you left the job that they used to ask For they would bid other people would bid on your book They'd be like because you've ever big salesman that leaves Yeah, I need that fuck I need that book and people would like buy for like a thousand bucks kind of thing Like offhand like like like behind the scenes. Yeah, here's your grand. Let me get that book Yeah, and I knew I wanted to do comedy So mine just had like drew pictures of dicks in it and stuff.

And there was like, I don't know, I was like 22. And so everyone- It's so funny, the guy that opens that, he goes, you know what I got? I got Graham's thing. You know, people say he's gay and they're doing that string off the thing. They go, I don't think he's gay. And they open it and they go, why are all these penises?

Everyone, no, but it was like a joke. Gonna go buy a grams book Because all my all my people who bought suits for me They you have to chalk the the the suit at the bottom like the leg to measure how fire hard like how high it's gonna be you get a tailor to get a tailor that you know and Mine were always wrong like one leg would always be shorter than the other and because I'm like dyslexic I'm just easily confused. Can I talk to you real quick? Why is half my slacks shorts, they look like AC DC on one leg and then the other one's like extra long and baggy.

I think this man is straight. This whole time we hired you cause we thought you were gay. One of those gay fellas. It's clear you suck in and fucking. It is clear you're infatuated with pussy. So you can't. Oh my God. This guy's got pussy brain. This man's brains all fogged up. and fucking. It is clear you're infatuated with pussy. No my god this guy's got pussy brain. This man's brains all fogged up. A bunch of jugs walk by while I'm chalking it.

You're just riding it across his knee. He's like I do not think that is where my suit goes. Shut up you look at them jugs. Oh look at them jiggly titties. He's like, I do love those tits though. The dignitaries love you. I am here from Senegal. Those are nice tits. Oh wow. Those are big naturals. I will take these shots. I remember how big those tits were. To my favorite bailing of a voice ever was Nate. I don't remember how big those tits were. Yeah dude. Even though I'm okay. Yeah, I can't, I can't. To my favorite bailing of a voice ever was Nate.

We were sitting around doing it. We were talking about, Grand Theft Auto 4 came out with the Russian main character. And we were like sitting around. It was like me, Big Jay, Lewis and Nate. We were like, oh, and then he's all like, I'm going to have six, and Nate goes, and I'm gonna, I don't goes and I'm gonna I don't do voice

yeah it was the fastest I've ever seen someone pick up a voice and he just went no so your book no one wanted it was like the joke yeah it was a joke it was a joke book that was your joke book it was my first joke book a bunch of dicks in it and then I moved to America and became an illegal immigrant for five years, met you, ate some dogs. I aided in the help of an illegal immigrant in this country? I came in a caravan.

A coyote? My mom's Dodge caravan. My mom's caravan. Did you, when you had that book, did anyone buy it off you or did you keep it? I tried to sell it and everyone laughed at me. So do you still have it? No, my dad cleaned out the basement.

Damn it. Yeah. Parents? That man loves to clean out the, there's nothing, there's nothing, what for what? I'm gonna tell you right now, natural disasters and parents cleaning out basements make you lose all the stuff you grew up holding onto. Yeah. I spent, I spent a considerable, and I grew up holding on to. Yeah, I spent. Yeah. I spent a considerable amount.

And I know my mom listens to this podcast, Trish. You know, you're guilty of this. But I spent from the time I was six to 18. I had a Sports Illustrated subscription. Every major sports, every major sports illustrated. Super Bowl champion, World Series champion, NBA champion, those three. Six?

Sorry Stanley Cup. Six or seven, I used to do Sports Illustrated for kids. So you had the Ken Griffey Jr. backwards hat. I think so, the one I remember is the Why Michael, when he retired in 1993. When he first walked away. When Jordan first retired to go play baseball, I had the why Michael, I had, um, the baseball one where he was going to baseball.

And then I had the welcome back. And then I, I just did that. I had a Montana being traded to the chiefs. I had like every 49ers one I kept because I'm a Niners fan, but like I had major ones and I had him in a giant moving box. I would stack them in my closet and on it, by the way, it would say Daniel Soder with my old address, 1592. It was like hilarious to think that I thought people were going to be like, I'll just take this guy Sports Illustrated. But I had them all saved. And when I left for college, I told my mom, don't touch that box of Sports Illustrateds. And then my mom moved and she was like, oh, I got rid of all those.

And you're like. She knew too. She was like, I don't wanna bring this. I would respect that. And I don't love my son. No, that, no, no, we both, no, that's not true. Oh yeah, of course not. I'm mommy's special boy.

You certainly are. No. You know how I know that? Why? Because I've known your mom's name for like 15 years Well, yeah, I also grew up with an only I grew up an only child with a single parent. Yeah Katie's been Baffled by that relationship the more she like spends time with me. She's like this that's crazy. What's crazy?

Being an only single mom an only child in a single mom. It's just one on one. So like, if I'm being a dick, he's just in the way. No, no, no, no, this love this love affair you're having with your mother is trying to eliminate her. Reverse Oedipus. It's called the reverse Oedipal theory. No, it's my mom is it it's like when you have one parent, she doesn't have another parent to go like, Dan's being a fucking asshole. And I don't have his sibling to go like, hey, is mom nuts?

So that's why, cause Katie has a brother and her parents are married. So she's like, if one parent was doing it, you could just go to the other one and be like, hey, I need a little help. And you're like, oh cool. But when it's one-on-one, you go like, am I crazy? I think a little help. Yeah, you know and you're like, oh cool, but when it's one-on-one you go like Yeah, I I I always I have like

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They focus on conversation, so you'll be able to talk wherever you go. You need proof that Babbel will get you talking? Well, studies from Yale, yeah, that's like the school. Michigan State, that's still a good school. And school Michigan State. That's, you know, still a good school. And other leading universities continue to prove that Babel works. One study found that using Babel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester of college with over 16 million subscribers.

Babel's 14 award winning language courses are backed by a 20 day money back guarantee this year. Get talking with Babel. Let's get more of you talking in a new language. Babbel is gifting our listeners 60% off subscriptions at babbel.com slash Soder. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Soder spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Soder. Babbel.com slash Soder.ble.com slash Soder rules and restrictions may apply. My brother, cause he has autism, like profound autism. I have a lot of traits of a only child. Yeah. Because I'm an only child. Cause I, cause you couldn't,

I have no one to talk to about anything. He couldn't confirm your reality. And I have to share. Yeah. That's wild. I didn't think about that. I have to share more. I have to share more than anyone. I have to take care of them and I can't talk to them about anything. That's a wild man to get drawn because I'm now as an adult realizing how selfish I am as an only child. People want to play online video games with me. I'm like, I want to play by myself. I don't play with you. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. I'm trying to enjoy it by myself. Yeah. It's mine. Yeah. Yeah Get the fuck out of here. Trying to enjoy it by myself. This is mine.

Because that's an only child category. But if you have a brother, you know how to share it, at least. Yeah, I'd be like, mom and dad, it's crazy that mom and dad are throwing stuff at each other. And dad's leaving for a couple days, right? And my brother's like, I pooped. Yeah, and you're like, all right, I'll clean it up. Yeah, you go, all right. But sometimes that might be good to get you out of that, where you go like, I pooped. Yeah, and you're like, oh, all right, I'll clean it up. Yeah, you go, all right.

All right. But sometimes that might be good to get you out of that, where you go like, I could have bigger problems. No, I had, I developed really bad OCD, and then I got sent to bootcamp because my parents thought I was on drugs. Because of your OCD? Yeah, I didn't have the heart to tell them.

I didn't know, I didn't like, I was too nervous to tell them that I thought that if I didn't touch everything three or nine times, my face was gonna change. So they were like, are you on drugs? And I was too nervous to tell them that I thought that if I didn't touch everything three or nine times my face was gonna change So are you on drugs? And I was like, yep, and then they sent me to boot camp for two years my last two years of high school I was in a town of 300 in Saskatchewan like a like a Three hour plane ride away. Oh my god, by the way, I remember talking to you about this

I didn't know the reason why you got sent Yeah, but I remember you telling me about military school because you have old pictures where you legitimately look like Wolverine. That's how jacked you are. There's nothing to do. You're like in jail. So like all my, I'd call my friends.

They're like, we're partying, we're having sex. I'm dealing a little bit of drugs. We got money. What are you doing? I'm like, well, I drank extra juice. That was exciting. I could have unlimited juice at snack time. And I spent about six hours in the gym.

And if you skip church, if you can hide from the guy coming to find you, to scoop everyone up for church, we watch VHS porn in the family room together. All the guys who skip church. And you're not allowed to, lights were off at 9.30 and if your lights were not off, a guy would come in with a hockey stick and break it and you could not go to the bathroom after nine. If you went to the bathroom, you'd get beat up.

I watched a guy, we watched a new guy came and he was like, I wanna go to the bathroom. And I'm like, buddy, you can't. Now are you guys all in a common bedroom? There's five to a to a room About like two bunk beds and then one bed out the middle of one of the bunk beds that was smaller We called it the penis bed. The smallest boy would go in the penis bed. Yeah, it was a very tiny bed it was like a

Twin okay, and I guess they're all twins, but it was, it was smaller. Yeah. I don't know. It was like a double. Yeah, but a little smaller. I don't know. It was, I don't know where they would buy that mattress, but it was the penis sad mattress store. Yeah. Yeah. They go, well, we got this sad mattress. You know what? That's perfect for our penis bed. We'll get, that's actually the name of it. Yeah. I go, you know, in Canada, they call a mattress a penis bed if it's like small. Yeah. So even if you're a woman Yeah, guys leave in the penis bed. Yep, even if you're a spinster and put two mattresses together. That's a clam bed

So you so the smallest guy got the tiny bed Yeah, so there's like five to a room and in our dorm there was probably like 20 rooms or so and it was like a long hallway and our dorm there was probably like 20 rooms or so and it was like a long hallway and um and the rooms were like i don't know like maybe two of these rooms i don't know which is like 10 by 10 yeah and uh and then um so buddy he's like new there and he's like this is fucking bullshit i'm going to the bathroom i'm like buddy don't do it really yeah? Yeah. Hold it. He goes, I'm going. And he like, opens up the door and then they, they have like the bigger,

stronger kids are like the, the old boys of the dorm and they're the enforcers and uh, it's like you divide and conquer kind of. So they make them turn on you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And they get special privileges and they get like a two bedroom. So there's two, so they have more room, you know? And uh and uh and we and then we hear

the whole dorm here is like shouting in the hallway and so everyone's like head pops out of each there's like five heads yeah like little mice on top of each door all down the hallway of each thing and then uh oh here's like and i pop my head out and i just see a guy's guy's foot he got knocked out and his feet were just sticking out of the bathroom doorway like the Wicked Witch of the West. Like the housecrusher? Yeah, yeah. I was like.

It streaks back, the socks are all striped and they go under. So you couldn't, what if you had to shit? You'd get beat up. Who would beat you up, the older kids? The old boys, yeah. Was there anyone? I mean, that, what if that's how you find out that unlocks your inner

like, warrior, is you have to poop real bad and you go, you wouldn't like me when I have to poop. And he's like, no, I don't think so, bud. You're going back to that and you go, don't. Let me poop. And he's like, don't push me. Yeah, don't push me. And then you snap his arm, he's like, ahhh He's like John Wickham or more likely you think you have special powers and then you just shit your pants and get knocked out

That's what I mean. That is such that starts coming out. That's the gamble. Yeah, you get knocked out. You're gonna piss. It's very bad Yeah, you don't want to get did he piss the guy that got knocked out. I don't think so What did he come back? What did he come back to the room like? Was it like you guys could have warned me. Well, concussed. A little out of it, I would say. He just had to sit there for a little bit, and he still got to piss? Like what I know about CTE these days and concussions and what like following like NFL

and stuff like that, it's like he should have gone to the hospital. It's bad what happened to him. If you get knocked out, that's very bad. You shouldn't go straight to sleep. No, straight to, then go to math class. First thing in the morning. My brain is so soupy. I'm just out of it today.

Well I had to piss last night and found out that's illegal. Is there blood coming from your ear? No, a lot of sorts. Your parents thought you were on drugs because you were so OCD? I kept, I had to touch everything three or nine times because nine is the perfect three of course. Yeah, so everything like yeah, like one two three

Yeah sitting down in chairs like in school and stuff and my guys come down. Yeah, I was like you know like there was like a couple kids that I hung out with that were like doing like dealing oxy or on or like just You know on some sort of drugs, but nothing crazy. Yeah. Like I'd smoke pot. I'd bought pot twice and smoke pot like maybe six times. I got drunk probably ten times in my life. Yeah. And this is like I was like 16 and every time I sat down I had to do it three times or nine times. Like

on your, so like if you're sitting down, you have to go like one, two. Oh, that would look wild. Yeah, I do it in class. Yeah, that would look like you were just bouncing your ass. Yeah, yeah. Why does Grant got so much tush? My name's Grant. Grant, I know.

I didn't mean to say Grant. I said Grant, I was like, Grant, god damn it. No, Americans can't say my name, it's fine. You go, I'm sorry, is it Gray? So you would bounce your butt three to nine times. And I'd be like, why? I'd be sitting there in class like, why wouldn't anyone fuck me?

Yeah, well probably because you're dropping it like it's hot. That's right. Fucking nine times. So instead of telling your parents the truth and being like, I have OCD, well, did you even know it was OCD? I did, but I was old enough where my psychiatrist couldn't tell my parents and I wouldn't tell.

Why? Cause you weren't 18. Cause I was 16. It was like old enough where they didn't have to tell my parents. So you had a psychiatrist. Yeah. Cause I was like acting weird. And they were like, you have a, you have obsessive compulsive disorder. But they didn't want to tell your parents. They were, they legally could not cause I was above 16 and you didn't because you were embarrassed by I was embarrassed because I I Had an I didn't really know much about it. They didn't give me much information about it They gave me like a pamphlet and then like well, that should have been the 90s. It's yeah

Well, that's all we have that's all the info we have stop being a weirdo. Yeah Yeah, you and then I was just like well, that's all we have. That's all the info we have. Stop being a weirdo. Yeah, yeah. And then I was just like, well, that's weird. I didn't want, like, it's weird when you're that age because you're very self-conscious and then you already, because you're 16, but you also don't want to be like, well, if I don't sit down three or nine times,

I think my face is going to change into a killer I saw on the news. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, but you know it's crazy. OCD is crazy, weird, because you know it's crazy, but you can't stop. Yeah, I did it. It's like you're watching yourself.

I did it very, much smaller than that. Yeah. Where like, I had a thing where, I think every light switch in my house had to be facing up. Yeah. Because we had three light switches on our stairs, like if you walked up the stairs,

there was like one, two, and then another one. Half the lights were on? No, you could turn them off if they were all up. They were all down or all up. Oh, you could switch them so they were up or down? Yeah, and I always had to have them up. Yeah, yeah. So that meant things were positive.

Oh, that's, yeah. And then I always had to do- Or hard. I didn't think about it like that. Yeah. That would've broke my brain. When I was like 12, I would have been like, you're right. Yeah, but I also had to leave the same door that I came in which caused a lot of problems.

Mm-hmm. Because they'd be like, that's the Empire. Dude, I swear to God there'd be times where they'd be like, you can't go through that door. I'd be like, I have to! And they'd just walk through and be like, yam, yam, yam! Like fucking alarms going off. Well, you're probably going through a very stressful point in your life. And I think that people that are OCD are better at comedy or just sports, things that are, take a lot of time to get good at. Yeah. And a lot of focus.

Cause you repeat and you have to do it. And you can, there's a way to shift the OCD to get good at something. Because you, then it's repetitions. Repetitions and focus on it. Well, I have to, I have to do, if I don't do 10, like when you start out comedy, it's like, if I don't do 10 sets this week,

I'm going to jump off a bridge. And so you do it, you just do it. That is, that's actually a great observation because I remember doing open mics. I had to do 15 to 20 sets a week. Let me see how our careers are different. But that was the thing where I was like, if I didn't do 15 to 20 sets a week,

I would have panic attacks about it. Like there'd be a week where I'd do like 14 and I'd be like, I fucking suck dude. I'll go do fucking 30 more. Like dude, Mike Lawrence used to do like eight to 10 mics a day. And he, you know, that's a man with autism. And autism is very close to OCD.

And even back then, we didn't know what it was. We're like, Mike's got dirty glasses. Yeah. Why does he write so many jokes and can't make eye contact with me? And then you go, got it. Mike just, I remember one of the biggest compliments I got because he was so mean back then.

Well, he was so critical. Yes, because he was unencumbered by social norms. He did not have the thing that goes, I probably shouldn't tell that guy. No, and he came up to me and he was just looking at my shoulder and he was like, grandma, that joke about ghosts is really, really funny and I just think you're a really good writer. And then walked away and I was just looking at my shoulder and he was like, grandma, that joke about ghosts is really, really funny

and I just think you're a really good writer and then walked away and I was like, oh. That's the crowd. That's the crowd. He's so funny. He's so funny. He just wrote for Nicky on the Golden Globes. He writes for everything.

Mike Lawrence is truly hilarious. When we were starting to, when our group, because we started, you were a couple years ahead of me, but when, like I can say you almost, you're like, yeah, we're all in the same. I was in ninth started, you were, you were a couple of years ahead of me, but when like, I can see you almost, you're like, I was in ninth grade, you were in 10th grade, same stuff. But the, the, our group was starting to do late nights and he got a Conan. Yeah.

And, and then that night he did three open mics. And we were like at open mics and I was like, you're sick. Yeah. Go be happy. I was always like, why don't I do 20 like him? And I were like at open mics and I was like you're sick. Yeah, go be happy I was like why don't I do 20 like him and I was like, oh because that's not I want cuz if I did Conan I would I would be able to enjoy it. See yeah Nate Who's never been diagnosed? Yeah Nate used to do that many sets Yeah, Nate would go when he got Conan He would go do as many mics as he could because he thought if he bombed with the set Then when he did a late night, it would go better as many mics as he could. Cause he thought if he bombed with the set,

then when he did a late night, it would go better. I remember he did Conan. I get that. That's before the set though. You know, Mike wouldn't let an open mic wouldn't let him go up. Why? He's like, I'm running my set for Conan. The guy's like, we're busy. And you know, Nate, it's like, I'll never forget that. Oh, for sure. And I bet he still remembers him. A hundred percent. If this clip gets to Nate, Nate goes, I know who that guy. Oh, for sure. And I bet he still remembers him. 100% Nate still remembers him. If this clip gets to Nate, Nate goes, I know who that is.

But that was like a kind of thing where, did you ever reveal to your parents that you were OCD, like after they sent you to military school? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they feel horrible? Well, they were so stressed. No. My dad still goes like, I'm glad you went there.

And I'm like, all right, dude. Are you glad you went there? No. You wish you would have spent your last few years. Yeah, I hated it. Yeah. I really hated it. I met my best like my best friend there because we were both like the two like like funny guys.

Yeah. And like, you know, you meet somebody with the same sense of humor. You're like, oh, at least we have this. Yeah. You know, but it was tough. Like all my friends were like, like getting laid and like having fun and going to parties.

I remember I like made out with a girl at a party for the first time. We like, her friend grabbed both of our arms and brought us to like some back room and we did like stuff. And I remember like, I'm so close to having sex, it's just around the corner. And then all of a sudden I'm in Saskatchewan. Oh, oh, oh my God.

There was 300 guys. Oh, fuck. There was 50 girls. And every girl, there was also a junior hockey team in that town. And you weren't allowed to leave campus. Like there was alarms on the windows and stuff. And you, you, my friend escaped. You couldn't piss at night.

No, my friend escaped and You couldn't piss at night. No, my friend escaped and a farmer found him in the ditch and the farmer was like, where are you from? And he wouldn't tell him for two days because he just wanted a break. And then you eventually told him the farmer brought him back. But anyway, there was 50 girls and there was a good junior hockey team in that town and they weren't part of the school and they had cars and they were like 18 and 19 and they're all jacked. And so they got all the pretty girls,

like the six pretty girls are going to go with them. Yeah. And so, and it was like a lot of hockey. It was like a hockey school too. So like a lot of, they were like a lot of the, uh, the women there, uh, had flannel. Got it. Yeah. They were spinning. They were, uh, they were learning they were spinning. They were learning how to spin. Yeah, learning how to spin. I don't know if you know this. You know what?

They were having a good time. They enjoyed that school. Oh my God. Are you kidding me? What a little fucking pussy paradise. There was one mattress, because it was surrounded by wheat fields. Yeah.

So it looks like the ocean. All you see is sky. And, but there was one mattress, one of the penis bed mattresses got dragged out in the middle of the wheat field and there was just condoms all around it. And we'd look at it and be like, what lucky guy's been out here. Oh, the farmer that owns that field?

I was cutting down some wheat and I found a fuck mattress. I think it was one of those penis beds. A man alive. Oh my God, all the condoms. I mixed all the cum and I made a real boy out of it. Sure. It's just a cum soup Pinocchio. That sucks because when you tell your parents that,

you do want that kind of thing of like, I'm, you want your mom to grab your hands, like I'm sorry, my baby. And so they're like, good. They're like, good. They had their hands full with my brother. Sure. Is your brother younger than you? Yeah. He's three years younger. Okay. Yeah. So he was the baby and had autism. Yeah. So you were basically like, Hey Graham, you're a roommate now. Yeah. Did you feel that when you were like a kid? Did you feel like, Oh shit. Okay. It's all, because I've no, friends of mine that have siblings

with special needs, there's like this maturity in them because from the time they were like seven, they were kind of like, you're an adult now, help us with this other one. Yeah, you're like, it's not about you. You know the whole world is not about you. You grew up immediately knowing that. Yeah. And then, so whole world is not about you. You grew up immediately knowing that. Yeah. And, um, and then,

so you grow up very mature and normal and, um, everything's fine and you don't become a comedian because you need attention. Does that, do you feel like that was the thing? I never thought that until I went to therapy and it's very obvious. Do therapy points out stuff sometimes that you go like, you know, it's like, um, when a good standup joke, that like hacky hackney line, when someone goes, it's funny cause it's true. But when you go to therapy and they say something, you go, I do be doing that. You get so mad.

I would get so mad when people be like comedians, they just want attention. I was like, no one ever says that about lead singers or musicians. What's the difference? We practice an art and then we get good at our instrument. And my therapist is like, yeah, so you had to take care of your brother and your parents didn't pay attention to you

and they sent you away and so you needed attention. I was like, ah, fuck. Yeah, so you're acting out as an adult and you go, son of a bitch. Yeah. Yeah, that is one of those I was like, ah, fuck. Yeah. So you're acting out as an adult and you go, son of a bitch. Yeah. Yeah. That is one of those stories of like lying and then the punishment being worse

than just if you would have gone, I have OCD. And your parents would have been like, I think your parents would have been more open to learning about it. Maybe. Because they had an autistic child. So isn't there like- I think that my parents are a little autistic.

I think that I'm a like, you know what coda is? Yeah, the children of deaf people. Yeah, I think I'm coda for autism. Like everyone in my family has autism. I'm just like, yeah. There is that moment though where I feel like if you are a coda or your parents who have autism, I don't know why in my brain it immediately clicks to like, so you can dominate that family. No, they dominate you. But in my mind, they're like- Oh, if you're a deaf one.

Yeah, cause then you're like, I can move in ways you can't see. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can hear. I can hear it. Yeah. Yeah, cause there's like- You could blast in porn in the family room. What's that?

Yeah. You can't hear nothing. Yeah. It's all audio books, talking shit, but my aunt did that, my aunt's- Did porn, porn romance novels and then he revealed her breasts you go nothing mom and she's like sewing my my aunt used to do a lot of drugs when she was a kid and she didn't want to tell my

grandmother mm-hmm and she did my aunt told me the story my Karen I go but I try to say aunt now instead of aunt because I grew up going my aunt. I say aunt. I say aunt too. But people on the East Coast try to correct you all the time and say aunt. No, you sound poor, aunt. Aunt is poor?

Yeah. I feel like aunt is poor. I feel like aunt sounds more high-form. Whatever I do is rich. Cool, all right, I get it. Hey, I'm not messing with you, dude. You fucking dropped that butt on that seat nine times. Yeah, yeah. I used to work out.

Yeah, I used to work out. But my aunt did, she told me one time she did 15 hits of acid. Oh my. This is like mid, like late 60s. Yeah, yeah. Maybe mid 60s. She was like 17.

Yeah. And she did a bunch of acid. Cool. In her room, cause she was grounded. did a bunch of acid. Cool. In her room. Cause she was grounded. So she just took acid. Right. And now you're like, no, I'm Karen. And Karen ripped. Yeah. She's dead. She's been dead since oh seven, but ain't Karen ripped. Yeah. Cause she, um, she said that she took all this acid and then she was in her room

and then she just went out and watched TV with my grandma and started tripping. And she said she started laughing and being like, my, my, um, my grandma had white curly hair from the time she was like 30. She went gray very early. And so she was like, had this like white puffy hair and my aunt was all on acid. She was like, you got snakes coming out of your hair. And my aunt was like, my, my grandma was like, what? acid, she was like, you got snakes coming out of your hair. And my aunt was like, my grandma was like, what? My aunt Karen was like,

you got snakes coming out of your hair, like laughing about it. So my grandmother had her committed. Oh my God. She took her to an insane asylum. And she's like, my daughter's lost her mind. Yeah, yeah. Cause she was on 15 hits of acid.

That's right. And my aunt was like, day one, ruled. Cause she was like in a mental institution and she's like talking to people and they're like, the aliens left me and my aunt hits of acid. And my aunt was like, day one, ruled. Because she was in a mental institution and she's talking to people and they're like, the aliens left me and my aunt's on acid. And she's like, yeah they did. The aliens dropped you off. She was still on acid when she got sent there.

She got committed that day? They took her down and committed her. Because it happened that night. She was there for three nights. And she said by the second day she was like, what the fuck? And then on the third day she had to call my grandmother by like the second day, she was like, what the fuck? And then on the third day, she had to call my grandmother and be like,

hey, I was on drugs. I'm not on drugs anymore. Please come pick me up. She had to go get her out of the asylum. But then that's like that immediately, you telling me that made me think of my aunt. It was like, yeah, I'm fucking, mom, I was high on LSD.

No one knew what LSD was. It was like, she was in San Francisco in the mid 60s. No one really knew outside of like a handful of people what acid was. So especially my grandmother from Oklahoma, she was like, what? She was like, you went crazy. And that makes more sense than her being like,

I'm on drugs that make me see things. Yeah, it's like, why would you take those drugs? Yeah, like my grandmother who's dust bowl, Oklahoma Why would you wanna see snakes coming out of my head? She goes what eight paper and it made you crazy Yeah, she get the fuck out of here But I think that's so funny that you're so fucked up three days at an asylum and you're like, oh I gotta phone call

Fucking you have to piece it together too. Right? You feel like why am I here? Well, I'm like at first the? Well, at first you go like, at first the people you're talking to, you go, if you're on acid, because the way Aunt Karen explained it to me, she was like, the first day she was like, oh, this is cool. She was saying like, oh, this is real groovy.

Oh, you seeing people? Oh, okay, I see people too, man. Me too, dog. And then by the second day she was like, hey man, you guys are kind of far out there. There's poo everywhere. Yeah, you guys really like to bite each other. Oh my god.

And then on the third day she's like, get me the fuck out of here. This is a human zoo. Yeah, that was, I mean, thank God I never, I feel like I'd be the kind of person that would immediately go like, I'm on drugs. Please, I'm on drugs. Please don't send me there. Yeah. So I'm surprised you didn't at all go like. Because I wasn't on drugs. I was crazy. So I was embarrassed that I was crazy. But when you get like, my family is like, my, it's like, we're very loud.

Like we, my brother is the way my brother is, but also my parents aren't normal. Like we would get kicked out of restaurants just for being loud and they would just be screaming at each other. My brother be spinning in the corner and I'd be going like sitting up and down. Oh my God. The waiter goes, this is the hardest table I've ever had. Maybe like the manager would come and be like, you guys gotta go. We wouldn't make it. What would your parents be yelling at each other about? Um, domestic stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like normal couple arguing.

Cause you said your parents are weird or they like, stuff? Yeah, yeah. Like like normal couple arguing? Um, because you said your parents are weird or are they like, no, no, not your mom dropped a piece of ice ice on the table and your dad fucking spun out. Uh, it would be both like, like, I mean, I do this in my act, but cause I'm just trying to, I'm trying to enact revenge on them, but, um, I like record them. I just like, I recorded them arguing and then I'll just repeat what they remember. I didn't repeat it on stage, but like one I had, I brought an ex up like for the first time,

my girlfriend to like home to meet the parents. And my mom goes, um, uh, David, can you go downstairs and get a bottle of wine for dinner, please? And he goes, okay. And then she goes, one more thing. While you're down there, can you bring up a cardboard box? And he goes, okay. She goes, I need that for he goes, okay. And then she goes, one more thing, while you're down there, can you bring up a cardboard box? And he goes, okay. She goes, I need that for later. He goes, okay. Goes downstairs, comes back up a couple minutes later, bottle of wine, no box. My mom goes, David, David, where's the box? You never listen. You never listen. He goes, you don't shout at me that way, woman. She goes, woman, woman, you don't own me.

That's why I never took your last name. Oh my God. I am not your slave. Then she stood up and started to, then my, This is from your girlfriend. Yeah, she started to cry and go, I am not your slave, David. And starts like crying.

And my dad goes, stop using tears as a weapon. Oh my God. And then we just ate dinner. And then you just eat. Yeah. And then you and then your girlfriend leaves over. Because my brother and I, we grew up with that. We don't even notice it. So we like they'll start screaming and crying.

And my brother and I'll just like, yeah, catch up. Just like just like blinders on, like horse blinders. How did she, how did she do that? I can disassociate when they, like, I brought the, they visited New York for their, for their 45th wedding anniversary. So there you go. That's how you keep it together.

Took them to dinner and they, they screamed at each other. My mom cried and we were like on a patio. Like we were sitting like this close to a couple. A couple's like. And they were sitting like this close to a couple couples like But whenever you see that if you're if you're a couple and you see that hey guys it's your friend Dan the guy that loves to wear comfortable things and Two years ago, I went on tour with Bert Kreischer and They handed out some bathing suits and I was like, what is this? What kind of weird shit is this?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. My parents were good for that. All of Eastern Ontario got to feel good about themselves Like we're in a good thing. What did your girlfriend say when she saw that? She's like, that's crazy Later when you guys are alone. She's like, yeah, I was like, let's go see downtown Let me show you downtown and we got in the car. She's like, what the hell was that? And I was like what? No, it's fine. I wouldn't have remembered that fight if she wasn't like that was We should talk about she said this and that, and then she cried. I go, she did.

Oh yeah, I guess so. And another thing with therapy is like, I was like, I got OCD, I guess I was mentally ill. And then, um, and then on my, my therapist is like, when did it stop? And I was like, well, I got sent to that school. And then I, you know, uh, I always thought that I dug myself out of the hole using, you know, mental agility fortitude. Turns out I just left the house. That's why. Do you have it when you go back? Do you, when you go back, do you feel it? Are there, is there like an itch to sit down like that?

Not as much. It used to, when I was in my twenties and I would go back, I start flicking lights, but now I'm just like, I've been away long enough. I have enough buildup. That's like when people find a food allergy. Yeah. And'm just like, I've been away long enough. I have enough buildup. That's like when people find a food allergy. Yeah. And they're like, if you stop eating that, you know, you'll stop shitting your brains out. And you go, huh, I just thought it was

cause I was, I was cursed. As they do that, they're picking up cheese. They go, don't eat it. And you go, oh, sorry, I did it again. Yeah. No, but OCD is always, I always like describe it as like being sober. I don't drink anymore, but I'll always be an alcoholic. Yeah. You know, I'm always going to be OCD, but like if I get tired,

sometimes I'll start flicking lights and be like, what am I doing? I don't go to bed. The sitting things never came back though. No, I, it really helped. Like when you like wanting to get laid really helps. Yeah. Like even like sharing bottles like alcohol and stuff. I could never ever share a glass or a bottle with anybody but as soon as I was like on a date she's like try this I was like yeah. She's like I need this yeah I need you. The stronger part of my body was like, Your penis is like, shut up you. Shut up dumb brain.

And you go, well, we have to sit down nine times. That's fucking wild. Yeah, yeah. I always wondered like, what would be the thing if, if like to have OCD and then your parents go like, nah, you're fine. You're good. Yeah.

I mean, when you came back from military school, did it happen then? Did I get OCD again? Yeah. I never lived a full year after that. I like- You just go stay with your parents. I went to college and then I went to,

then I lived in Budapest for a year and then I moved to New York and tried to do, and like was doing- What was Budapest like? It was awesome. I uh, I'm good at interviews. I've been fired 22 times in my life. I'm good at interviews, but not good at the job part. What makes you good about it at interviews? I've seen normal. I can make eye contact. I can, I seem intelligent, but I, I hire you and they go, we got a dud.

I seem intelligent, but I am. And then they hire you and they go, we got a dud. And I'm like, kink, kink, kink. Sitting down, dude, we got fucking hustled on the floor. I'm easily confused. But anyway, so it was a logistics job. The Canadian government paid me to work for a private American shipping company doing logistics during the height of the Iraq War.

So we ship things from America into via Kuwait into Iraq into Baghdad International Airport aka Camp Victory at the time. Anything an American Army base would need other than weapons. So like hammers, nails, TVs, comic books because they're all children they're all like 18. Cigarettes? Cigarettes cigarettes. Yeah, and and and skin from the top couple darts for grandma Those most Canadian I've ever heard you those the most Canadian shit I've ever Darts for grandma Couple three cartons of darts. Yeah, it's fucking ripping butts by ripping fucking darts So funny you just all this shit's coming through. That's a fucking cool job.

Did you like it? You talk shit about if you, if you fucking tell anyone, I'm skimming darts, I'm going to tune you up. We're dropping the mitts. You're getting lit up. Here's my question. You've lived in both Canada and America. Yeah. Are Canadians better at fist fighting than Americans? Yes, because we are no guns. There are only farmers have like guns. So everything. And they have like shotguns and hunting rifles, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, um, every fight there's no threat of being shot in the head. Sure. So it does see itself through into a fist fight. There are certain towns where you will get stabbed. Are those the big cities like Ottawa city, Vancouver, Toronto? I like how you call it. Ottawa city. You mixed Quebec city, Quebec city and Ottawa. Cause you're thinking Ontario.

That's what I'm thinking. And yeah. I don't respect your country. Toronto is the capital of Ontario. Yeah, no, you absolutely don't. I have zero respect for your fist fighting country. That really is though when you're an American, you're like raised to be like, fucking kick ass, grab a gun. Light some shit up, brother. Yeah kick ass, grab a gun. Yeah.

Light some shit up brother. Yeah, yeah. Rambo, Terminator. Yeah. All of it. You're like, give me the biggest fucking gun. All your toys have guns. No, our toys had guns too.

That's kind of weird though, isn't it? You guys grew up playing with action figures with guns and then you're like, we can't get these at all. Well, we were playing war and like shooting each other. We weren't like, when do we get to really shoot each other in the head? You guys never played mass shooter? With a squirt gun? Revenge!

We all take turns being the teacher. Jumping in front of... Oh, oh, someone go block the door! I'm mentally ill and I'm trying to get in the room! No one will fuck me so I I'm going to kill you all. That's what the new war is. Kids don't play war much anymore. They play clear out the mall. I'm shopping with my family. Now my life is different. Yeah, that's, that's, I think, uh,

that's you're absolutely right. That's why Canada is better at fist fighting. I mean, yeah, hockey, hockey, Everyone's like, you guys are so nice. It's like, have you ever seen a hockey game? Yeah, you guys, by the way, I will say, YouTube hockey fight, Canadian hockey fights mic'd up. You guys are the best shit talkers because you're polite during your shit talking. Where you like ask, you go like, you wanna go bud?

Yeah, you wanna go? And you go, you throw, I throw. And you throw it out and then you start fucking. Yeah. And it's like 20 punches to the head and then they're like spit out a tooth and like, I'll go to the box. Yeah, good fight bud.

Good fight, yeah. I think there's something to be said about that. Sometimes, sometimes. It gets it out. It gets it out. You pop the zit. If you fucking beat the shit out of each other and hockey players are the toughest athletes Well, you're bad your side of mixed martial arts and boxing like you're playing team sports

70% of the physical contact of a football game. Yeah, and A football player can only physically do like 17 games a year. Yeah hockey has 82 games. And you're not suspended or ejected for fighting unless it's a specific kind of fighting, right? Like you're allowed within the rules to fight, however it results in a penalty. You need fighting in hockey.

The reason why it hasn't, they haven't got rid of it yet, is because it's such a fast sport that you can adequately police is if you go, all right, if you do that, I'm going to break your nose in front of your family. Yeah. And you go, well, that's not fun. Your mom's watching on TV, and your dad's watching. They're in the stands.

I'm going to beat you up. Yeah. And it helps for the most part. It's like how like in basketball, like, you know, if there's like, you have a jump shooter, people like Zaza Patchouli or whatever his name was, he like stuck his leg under Kawhi Leonard and then he sprained his ankle

and then nothing could happen. You can't fight him. And that's why the Spurs didn't win that year. Yeah. Because you can't fight him. You can't go like, you can't send a guy who's like eighth on the bench to be like, Hey, next time he's on the floor, why don't you go fuck him up in, in, in

hockey, someone, the next shift would grab Steph Curry and beat him up. Yeah. And be like, you like that? That's why is that what you wanted? Yeah. That's what you get. Sydney Crosby always was amazing to me because he was so good at hockey but he also always had his own goons where like guys on the Penguins were like you touch him yeah I'm gonna fucking break your

face I met Wayne Gretzky's because they call him enforcers yeah if or policemen yeah I met Wayne Gretzky's enforcers name was Dave the Tiger Williams sick and he signed a hat I had and he was like, I was like, my name's Graham. And he goes, and he spelt like Glad Wrong. See, we all do it. Good job Tiger, I'm right there with you. So much CTE, he's like, very good.

Yeah, he goes, you didn't touch Wayne, did you? You go, no sir. No sir. No sir. But I think that's like, offices should do that. If you have like a good employee and they're like, don't No, sir. No, sir. But I think that's like, um, offices should do that. If you have like a good employee and they're like, don't fuck with him. And her office politics might fuck with him. And he says, he has a goon. Where he's like, Hey, you mean to Roger and accounting? And you're like, why is that? He said, just pulled your shirt over.

So it's beating the shit out of you. I'm sorry. He ate my lunch. That's why I loved. Do you remember that commercial series, Terry Tate office linebacker? Yeah, that was great. They're on YouTube. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just go watch them. They're so funny. But just when the guy throws the recycling, he throws the can in the regular trash and he's like, whoa, whoa. He's like, I scrambled to throw it back because there is, there is something about like, I feel like that's how like the, uh, the offices were in like the government, like the Nazi governments They're like you just the simple filing part of the Nazi government

No, this is really good. He's really good to come down on me Yeah, dude, oh my god, He's going to shoot my mother. Working in Hitler's office? You're like, I fucked up. I fucked up. I didn't get the calls at the Russian guard wall. He's going to gas my labradoodle. I'm fucking up.

He goes, oh, that new wife of yours. Yes, my fiora. He's fucking to send you to Auschwitz. You son of a bitch. I see this. Well, that's how they said about like Saddam Hussein son, like he would torture the Iraqi soccer team because they wouldn't win. So they'd have to go home and be like, fuck. Yeah.

They'd be like, Ooh, day Hussein wants to see you. And you're like, and then he would put a car battery to their testicles because they like missed a shot. Good Lord. That's not how you make a winning team. No. You go miss and you go, no, you just miss a shot. You're like, is that my? I would have broke so quickly if I were to, it was like a right in Iraqi soccer player.

I tell you what, I'd be blinking and twitching and sitting up and down. OCD would be the least of your problems. Hup, hup, hup, hup. He's really telegraphing where he's going to kick this thing. but I'd be blinking and twitching and sitting up and down. OCD would be the least of your problems. Hup, hup, hup, hup. He's really telegraphing where he's gonna kick this thing. Why does this man sit down nine times? He's got a little thing called OCD.

Torture him. Ude Hussein, surprisingly uncompassionate for the OCD. What if he was? He's like, well, I know a little bit. I also struggle with mental illness. Having a father like Saddam is not easy. It's very pressure cooker. Yeah.

Yeah. Anybody peeped Uday Hussein's OCD? Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. After he gassed the Kurds, Uday got a little weird about it. He's like, up, up, up, up, up. If you have OCD, we're not mocking you. We're embracing you.

No, we are mocking the Kurds. You should have fought, no. If you read that, you're like, oh fuck, Saddam was a nasty little man. But now you're a full-time resident of the United States. You're not an illegal immigrant. This doesn't have to. No, no more dogs, no more kitties. You don't have to worry about Trump coming in. I do I mean I had a I only have a green card and

Are you worried about Trump coming in? Well, so I Would I I got a green card? I had an o1 performing arts visa when I lived in LA and then I applied and then got a green card and they have a beginning date of the green card and then my 01 had an end date and so they were going to overlap so I was not going to have to leave America. Right. The whole time I would have been illegal or legal rather and what happened was is he got elected and I had been arrested in America

and I punched a cop and I got drunk. I got attacked from behind and they were playing clothes. It was during the stop and frisk era. Yeah. And they were playing clothes. They just grab you. They just grab me from behind and they like slam my head against the grate of a bodega that was closed that night. My friend was, she was tagging an outdoor ATM and I was like, why are you tagging?

We're almost 30. Want to see my tag from ninth grade? And I grabbed her marker. And then all of a sudden being slammed by a guy in jeans. And so I elbowed him in the head. And then, you know, they're like, two of them grab me from behind, slam me on the ground, can't cuff me. And I guy in jeans. And so I elbowed him in the head. And then, you know, they're like, two of them grabbed me from behind, slammed me on the ground, cancuffed me.

And I was in jail. I was in jail for, I was, you know, you make a phone, you're allowed to tell them a number and then they call that number and that person hopefully will come get you out. Sure.

But the only number I could remember is my parents' phone number back in Canada and they're out walking the dog. So my, my brother picked up and uh, and he, you know, we, we, we, yeah, we always, he's, we always pretend that we're Bert and Ernie, my brother. So he goes, I don't know, Graham, I know Bert. And then so I was just, I was in jail for four days and um, and uh, anyway, that is kind of a funny way to knock it out of jail.

He goes, yeah, I got your, I got Graham K. here. And he goes, I don't know Graham, I know Bert. Yeah, that's what happened. And he goes, excuse me. He goes, well, I'm Ernie, that's Bert. And he goes, excuse me, sir, are you fucking with me? Like in New York, NYPD, he'd be like, who the the fuck you to tell me you are fucking what are you Burton Ernie? I know Bert. I I like full disclosure. I do this story

I have a show incredible one-man show about his brother with autism about girl being the only like sibling of a autistic Yeah, child like kidding. You know, are you still doing the wonder inch? Are you still doing it? Yeah. Yeah We're I think we're gonna do it at Soho Playhouse, but yeah. Go buy tickets. I'm telling you right now, he did it at Fringe. Yeah. He's taking the show everywhere.

Three five-star reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. That is, and if you've done the Fringe, you know how fucking impossible that is to get a five, one five-star. I got a four-star and I've been coasting off it since 2019. Sick. But I'm saying, a three five-star star review at fringe is fucking ginormous. Yeah But but anyway, just full disclosure. I'm doing a bit right now, but like he you're telling us the bit

which that's but he uh he's like uh Like they're the why I know he he did that is because when I got out, there was like a voicemail on my phone, because I take away your phone, right? And it is my brother, because my brother was, because I guess they go, this is Central Booking in New York City,

do you know a Graham K? My brother was like, no, I know a Burt. And I know my brother said that because when I got out, there's a voicemail going, hey Burt, Ernie here, a man from Central Park called in New York city. That's where they filmed home alone too. Okay. Bye. If you're not in trouble, what a fun voicemail. If you're getting out of jail, not a fun voicemail.

I was like, you fuck me Ernie. That's so funny. You got me good pal. Tell them it's Oscar the grouch. Yeah Oscar's a little mad about it. There's just a room with 20 guys one toilet no beds Oh in four days. Yeah peanut butter numbers on the walls, but that's what happens. They're not sending their best Oh, yeah, so I was I was supposed to be What was I telling the story? Oh yeah, so I was supposed to be,

my green card was supposed to overlap, but then Trump got elected, and even though it was expunged, because it's just a misdemeanor and it was like thrown out or whatever, but it's still, I got arrested. So my green card, even though I got approved, and it was supposed to be in the mail,

Trump said, you got elected, he was like, put a stop on all green cards from people that have been arrested. So I had to immediately, I was about to, I was gonna move from LA to New York. I'd been in LA for two years, I wanted to move back to New York, because I started here, I love it here. You're in the scene here.

Yeah, I just, I like a walkable city mostly. But, and so I had a car and I was gonna, I had a tour and I was going to crisscross across America and, um, let's get open for Nate. I was going to open for your hair Goldman and do a couple of festivals along the way. And I immediately got kicked out of America and had to go back to Ottawa, play cards with Dave and Constance, my parents, and I had to sell everything I owned over the phone,

cancel the tour, sell my car over the phone, and I just had like the, literally, like everything I could grab, like clothes and shit, and then I said- So they were like, get out right now. Yeah, and yeah, yeah, and then my lawyer was like, you have to get out, and so I'm, and wait it to be resolved. And then finally, they were like, you can plead your case to the American consulate in Montreal. You have to go to the American consulate in

Montreal. So and luckily, it's only a two hour drive from Ottawa so I can go in a day. If I lived in Vancouver, I would have to that's like Seattle to like, I would have to fly across country. But you don't think they would have given you that's like Seattle to like, I would have to fly across country. But you don't think they would have given you like a consulate and like, There's only one office. Really? Yeah, it was weird.

And so I went to Montreal, booked the appointment and luckily the lay and you have to, you have to like, I had the sheet of paper still that said it was expunged. And I luckily, and so I had to verbally, uh, plead my case to a lady behind, like a lady behind glass, like DMV glass. And luckily, well you said earlier, good at interviews. Luckily she was black. Okay. And I was like, I didn't do anything in the cops beat me up. And she was like, Oh, you got picked up. Okay, no problem. Cause in her world,

the cops can just make you disappear. Yeah. And it's not your fault. Yeah. You know what I mean? She could have gone another way that she could have been like, oh, so you don't like it when they do a dual white mother. And you're like, Oh, well, I don't I'm white. Yeah. You go. Yeah, I understand that. I'm saying I feel your pain. Yeah. She do this a lot. You're doing Wakanda forever. Please stop doing Wakanda forever. So you want to let me back in? Come on, Jive Turkey. Say hey. Bring me back in. Let me into the US. Say hey, girlfriend. I want some chitlins. You do what my mom does with older black women around. You call her girlfriend. Come on, girlfriend. And she goes, I'm not bringing you back in. But did you, was there a moment when you were pleading your case that you kind of saw her

be like, I'm going to let him back in. Did you see her like soften at all? Yeah. You know, yeah. I told her the whole story. And was it when she said, you can tell someone's telling the truth. Yeah. And it's like complete bullshit.

And it's like, they had a quota system back then. They had a thing where like, that's why they ended up stopping frisk because it ended up being like pretty clear guys were just doing it to get the amount of people there was whistleblowers and like cops would like record their their like precincts overwhelmingly black teenagers for weed yeah they were overwhelmingly being like hey you're a black kid get over here yeah and they're like if you don't get your arrests up you get the quota up if you don't get your arrests up you're gonna be working at McDonald's do you want to work at McDonald's arrest more

people yeah and so it was like the end of the month and they're like look these dumb hipsters fuck them oh man I bet that I bet they loved it slamming me there was that there was that guy do you did make that guy's day he probably skipped home he's like can I tell you a story so these fucking hipsters they're all doodle and doodle and I grabbed one of them fucking bang right against the dick. A balooosh. I got my fucking, this fucking guy elbows me. Turns out this guy's a fucking illegal immigrant. Yeah. And I get to fucking toss his ass back there. Yeah. That's wild. Yeah and then I held him down and I kissed him. And I kissed him I said

you know what you look like you're good at interior design. You look a little gay. Yeah yeah just enough to like it too. Yeah it's funky soft kiss. Yeah, like half a chick You're smoking You dress wonderful. If you were black, I wouldn't notice. I'm only half hot But I remember you had I remember the process of like you leaving yeah, cuz you really were like hey I can't live in America and I also got a Conan audition and it was illegal for me to do Conan. So it was like time for me to go. Like I was, I like didn't have the work paper. So if I got it, I couldn't take Conan.

So I was like, Oh, it's time for me to, I was on a tourist visa the whole time. I would cross the border every six months. Sure. And I would work at restaurants that paid by, they, well I would, I just. I know, I try to get you hired at Delos Caminos. Yeah, right, yeah. And they were like, what's your social? I was like, I don't have one.

But in an American accent, they're like, why? Yeah. Are you an alien? And you go, kind of. Kind of, yeah. There was a, yeah, I remember that. I was working at DelOS and you're like, hey, because Demetrius, our friend Demetrius worked with us.

And you're like, yeah, Demetrius and you guys, you guys both work at DOS, can you get me hired? And I was like, yeah, I remember we were out having a beer. And you go, can they pay me under the table? And I was like, oh, this place is so corporate. No, totally, I was done. And you're like, I gotta go to it. I can't do that.

I would only work at restaurants that were, um, going out of business. And it was their last ditch was to not be able to like only hire people they couldn't pay. So I just lived off, I lived off tips for five years. And I got past the clubs that I couldn't get past that, but I had to turn down getting passed when I found out they paid by check. So I only get past the clubs that paid in cash. And it was just like becoming,

I only planned on staying for a summer, but cause I got a, cause I was like, oh, I, you know, I was doing, I was like traveling, I worked in Budapest and I kind of got a late start. It was like 25 and I was like, well, if I do a, I got a summer job that paid under the table working at a rich kid, like a rich kid's like Jewish summer camp, organizing the trips

for them in the summer, they would go abroad and stuff. And it was only like the summer. And I was like, a summer in New York doing comedy is like, you know, two years in Toronto or something. So that was the plan. But I immediately got fired for sending a kid to the wrong city in Italy. What city did you send him to?

I don't know. It's like, I don't know. That's so funny. The thought of a Jewish kid getting there going, this isn't Rome at all. What are you doing? This is no Malesca. Why am I here? Benji Gaudenschwarz says that you sent him to the wrong thing. He goes, but mom, there's not supposed to be snow in Rome. That's so- Benji, you're in Turin. You're not supposed to be in North Italy.

You're supposed to be in Southern Italy. I like to think that Benji won on a nice little adventure because of me. That's so funny. Benji, if you see this, sorry about this, but man, you really started a comedy career. You really launched your career. I had enough money for my sublet,

but not enough money for food. So I was like, well, I gotta find a job. So I went, I couldn't, no one would hire me at a restaurant. So, but I was like, but I noticed there's always, there's like girl, like Russian women at these restaurants. I was like, they don't have papers. So I went to the gay neighborhood. Oh, good job.

Back in my day, I was real peace. Tell you right now, 25 year old Graham K. Good Lord Almighty. You got hired, you got picked right up in Hell's Kitchen. They put me on the patio. Yeah, they did. Yeah, they did. A little twirl first.

They're like, we don't care where you're from. They go, hey, you know what? Last time I checked, you don't need a visa if you came from heaven. That was how they hired you. And you'll suck me dry. And he goes, there's no work visas for angels. Go ahead.

I don't have to fuck you, do I? And they go, well, we'll see. We'll see. We'll try and break you down. They used to, the bartender used to be like, I'll give you $25 if you let me see your chest. Did you do it? No.

Why? I don't know, I felt weird. I felt weird. It's your chest. Just like lift up your shirt. Don't be gay, it's your chest. Please. You tell him not to be gay while doing gay stuff.

Yeah. Don't be gay. Don't be gay. Show your chest to me. That's so funny. still not to be gay while doing gay stuff. Yeah. Don't be gay. Don't be gay. Show your chest to me. That's so funny. 25 bucks for your chest. I'll do 25 bucks for your chest right now. I would do it now.

Yeah. I was less secure. Yeah, I'll do it right now. I was like, what if I'm half gay and this is a whole new thing? And you go, don't crack me open. Yeah. Don't you crack me open by showing my chest.

I'm just trying to figure out who I am. I don't want to start over again. Don't make me sit down nine times. Yeah. Oh. You'll sit down more than nine. Yeah, buddy. You're gonna need a doughnut when I'm done with you. You are one of my oldest friends in comedy. It's always been fun to hang out. I love you, buddy. I'm glad that you could come by and do the podcast. Thank you for having me. Are you promoting? Was this on? Yeah, this is the whole podcast. Good. Are you promoting the one man show? I don't have a theater yet, but, you know, follow me on on on Instagram. Yeah, well, follow me on stuff because I will be promoting it on there.

It's a great show. You know, I have specials on on YouTube. Yeah, go on YouTube. Follow everything that Graham does. Give him a follow on Instagram. Instagram. how was my first one was Instagram K but no one everyone called me Greg or the hell you called Grant by accident dude whatever man I'm I'm half a tough being an

immigrant you know I don't get no can say your name I'm half stupid all right I got fucking problems why don't you ever think about me trying to make it about me yeah I got fucking problems. Why don't you ever think about me? Just trying to make it about me. Why don't you make it fucking, why don't I got fucking problems? No, I love you to death. I love you too, buddy. I'm glad you could come by and do this.

I love you too, buddy.