Soder - 70: Devil Sticks with Are You Garbage? | Soder Podcast | EP 68

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

Support the sponsors to support the show Right now Ridge is having their once-a-year Anniversary Sale. Get up to 40% Off at Ridge.com/SODER Just head to Ridge.com/SODER to see their biggest sale of the year! After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them our show sent you. Get timeless looks with modern comfort from Mack Weldon. Go to Mackweldon.com promo code DAN and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more, with promo code DAN. That’s Mackweldon.com promo code DAN Dan is on the road all 2025! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Feb 28 - San Diego, CA March 1 - Los Angeles, CA March 2 - San Francisco, CA March 8 - Grand Rapids,MI May 15 - Albany May 16 - Burlington,VT June 6 - Red Bank,NJ Follow Are You Garbage? https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/?hl=en https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/?hl=en https://www.youtube.com/@AreYouGarbage PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by    @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

California, Balboa Theater, February 28th, then March 2nd, I'm going to be at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. March 8th, I'm going to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan for Gilda's Fest. I'm going to be headlining one show there, so check it out. March 8th in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So do you post up in here and watch a game? You ever, you ever lounge in here? I fucking. This is cozy. I get the fucking, I got the PS5 in here.

She's watching suits. You're in here. You're doing your own thing. You know what's so funny is Big J had my favorite joker. He's like, you're in the only relationship I know where she'll leave what you're watching to go watch baseball. That's funny. Cause she'll be like, I got to watch this guy.

Real Housewives of Gang, you can't. But Bringerton's on. Wrestling's on. You Darvish is throwing a shutout right now. Yeah, it's, when does the special come out? February 25. Route 66? Route 66.

Just walked out of our last editing session. Oh, you guys happy with it? Nope. No. Yeah. At this point, who the fuck you watching so many times? You watched it so many times. We figured out the intro, we weren't happy with the intro.

But you did like a voiceover like, guys, welcome to the Route 66 store. It was just like, everybody like, dude, this is so gay. Did you guys cut it or keep it? Cut it. Cut it. All right. We just did title cards. It is a little, it's not just,

it's a little different in the sense of you're like, you have to convey that we're going Chicago to it's a little, it's not just, it's like, it's a little different in the sense of you're like, you have to convey that we're going Chicago to LA on a bus, straight through fucking nine cities, all these shows, like, we're gonna show that, but like, you go, hey guys, we're going out, and you're like, this sucks. We just start recording because that's what I liked,

because I think that's the best way to do promo, is to talk about something honestly. Sure. We were like, dude, when I was, we edited my YouTube special in here and you're just like I hate every dude the way my stupid hand moves when did during this job I'm not attractive big man's teeth don't really read on screen you fucking can you sex me I need some chompers no don't do it I'm doing it you're getting getting veneers eventually. Yeah, I'm missing three teeth. Okay

I got one over here and two over here Eventually a couple more are gonna go dude. I'm not I'm not gonna lie the people that you get them. They look great 5560 if I got the cash Hopefully the metal takes on my mouth. You got a look at X thing going on So you gotta save up for fucking for 20 years venture veneers Yeah, you make a healthy living it is a good amount of money a lot You also the most important part no one talks about you need to learn how to talk with them really everybody Yeah, because if you ever hear boss start whistling on s's and Tom Brady

His whole Katie pointed it out the first game, and I couldn't unhear it, you know the rest of the NFL season He's like, that's a first. That's a first down. It's funny the beginning of the game. I was like But then by the end I'm like, all right, he grew on me man. He's not bad You also know who's the watch you go. I kind of come on. We know you're ready to watch I mean, it's crazy. I like kicking a nice Rolex Do you think Tom Burkhardt gets mad about it or he's like, all right, Tom, buddy. Wait, no, it's KB. It's Kevin. I like kicking a nice Rolex. Do you think Tom Burkhart gets mad about it? He's like, all right, Tom, buddy. Wait, no, it's KB. It's Kevin Burkhart.

So he's like, he's like, what are you doing? But she grew on me too. In the beginning, I'm like, these two fucking bozos, the person I feel the worst for in this entire NFL season is Greg Olson, because Greg Olson, Greg Olson was an unbelievable guy in the booth. He said he's not going to play second fiddle to Brady. but is it doesn't Brady have a piece of the Raiders now? Yeah, he's like a part owner. So can he still announce I? Don't stop the stock market. I mean, it's so like it's so funny that Brady's one of those he's got

But it really is one of those things where he just is has too much of a good thing. He's just always got something awesome. Would you still be working? No, but you there wouldn't be a goodbye. Yeah, that's why you're not Tom Brady. Like it's like that thing of like, dude, if I made the other always got like a billionaire makes 100 million dollars a day and everybody goes, I've worked one day a year.

Yeah, you got there. Well, that's also my favorite thing about shut it down and throw it in neutral? The thing I keep laughing about are all these people being like, billionaires don't want to steal your money. And you're like, yes they do. That's how they became billionaires, you fucking idiot. That's a childlike way of thinking. Sure. They have money, they don't want no more money. You're like the only one is money Uh-huh Brady though. I mean the greatest I think it's proof of higher existence That Giselle and I got deep quick that Giselle ended up with a Brazilian jujitsu instructor. Yeah, cuz Brady's like yeah

What is he gonna do? He's like twist you like a pretzel Kids like him. They're like, dad, he taught me how to. He's like, shut the fuck up. Oh man. And then he's just, he put it. Those two Christmases though, not too shabby. No way. That's not a wrestling set in a PlayStation.

Or dude, that is, that is a car and a house. Tom's like, I bought you your own house. I'm seven. Here's the Raiders. Here's 5% of the Raiders. Here's Max Crosby as a bodyguard. How much is he in? For the Raiders? I think he's a minor owner.

Still get to show up to the games and all that. You get free drinks and all that shit, right? Oh my God, you own it. The swag. I don't know if you think if Tom Brady didn't own the Raiders, he couldn't get tickets. He goes, oh, guys, I can't get tickets. I also like that Foley has the thought process of an owner like he's King Ralph. Yeah.

Where he goes, oh, once you get access, he can just... That's what it's all about. I mean, I would live at the stadium I would be a weird I'd be a weird owner that's like a sealer yeah you live in the locker room like that's Dan he hasn't been out of the stadium in 48 days science like Kanye cut an album long fingernails and a beard and I go guys lift me lift me out of my seat whatever anybody like a comic we got like a writing job like an SNL or like on The Tonight Show. My first question, congratulations.

That's awesome. They buy a lunch. Yes. That's where my head that they should be. The spread should be in there every day. That's if you got hired. Yeah. Lauren's like, that's your first question.

Yeah. I get lunch, right? Not where your office is paid for lunch. You're a fucking dickhead. You buying your own sodas at the stadium. You're fucking you own five percent of the joint. Yeah, I'll work here, but I want two things to meet. Will Ferrell and free lunch.

Heard I'm short Sandler where he goes, you know what? That's actually the Chris Farley deal. So I understand that they, uh, you know, Dan Snyder, my buddy McDaniel, when he, he worked for Washington. Yeah. He was a receivers coach and he said, he said to publicly that you had to buy cups of coffee soda money fuck that had to buy coffee at the stadium But I think that's wrong obviously But there is like the idea of like well everybody in here is millionaires like Kenyan

Wait, but not really a lot of the guys that are like backup line. You gotta do lunch I mean I get that but minimums also what like three four hundred. Well, it used to be 250 I don't know what it is now, but it used to be two taxes. You got the lawyers. I Women the second you get drafted or list that That's bad. I'll give you that but it's also like you got the dollar fifth. I'm not saying it's right I but it's not like they're like going to like they're not charging the people to soup kitchen I'm like as is a nickel. I just give it you know I think there's still like if you're a billionaire and you go like no two dollars for coffee you go crazy

man, well, I'm always interested with athletes like Tyreek Hill has like Six kids with swell women last year. It was like five women at one point. He had more six kids with 12 women last year. It was like five women. At one point he had more kids with different women than touchdowns this season. Oh, that's pretty good. Ouch.

People would bring up that graphic and you're like, oh. But then, but then he signs like a big deal and you go, well, he's not really that rich because he's gonna have to take care. It's a lot of money. Dude, I had my cousin married a dude who was on the Texans and he did it right. Got a big contract

started like it's just so like fucking he retired at I don't know 33. Yeah. And he's just like I'm chilling. He's diverse. It's just like I don't remember who anybody is. He's like soup for brains. But you know, he goes I wake up. God knows what year it is like you just made every good this thing Yeah, you're gonna be in a wheelchair shortly Yeah, but you made a lot of good decisions with it that a lot of people do I wouldn't have what's your first move? You get so you can know NIL come out of college Penn State linebacker. Whoo

You know where otherwise same backstory instead of comedy wearing number 11 Levar Errington like Mic Michael Parsons, I would immediately $2 million signing bonus, I would hire a money manager. Really? I would hire a guy maybe on Monday. Friday night. Let's say you were in gay. Money manager. I probably put most of it in the S&P I would roll it over to an IRA if you mean money manager as in coke guy Well, I want my money to work. No, you don't understand money managers my watch guy Now make me a watch

Definitely getting a chain made I would go 100% but you're a white guy you're doing white guy chain? If I'm... That's a big swing you gotta get different jeans you can't rock that. Tornton odd dude. It depends on it depends on the makeup of the player right? Okay so if we're if I am I a white guy from a rule? You're you. Yeah you're you're you're a backster everything's the same. I would. Except you went to Penn State and you were also blue guy in the locker room I'm doing Dave Chappelle making fun of the team. I can't believe you blitz Like that And I told him don't ever throw down a check down baby, you're gonna get

Be like the Apollo talent show. Oh my god, dude, I have so many naked black men laughing Here dick looks like a damn am almost Sucking up ants out of a hill pimping. It's all right, man. All right. I like him man. It's like a miss Crazy, he goes. Yo, he come in on a blitz like that boy. That was one of the coolest things I saw. Debo Samuel on a podcast, and they're asking about Mustafa, number six on the 49ers. And Debo just goes, that boy, a missile.

And I was like, that's one of the coolest ways I've ever heard of football. Stealing it. Yeah. That's pretty good. Didn't use that one. But I think, OK, coming out of college, I'm 22 years old. What's the car look like?

You're going to get a car. I'm buying an SUV of some sort. You're currently driving a 96 Corolla. Yeah, I got a 96 Dodge Stratus, which is what I had. OK. White Dodge Stratus. I'm getting rid of this. You had a white car?

I had a white. Are you stripping? That's crazy. No tins. No tins, white car. Never got pulled over. True. Never got pulled over. They thought I was a city vehicle. That's crazy. No tins. No tins. White car. Never got pulled over. True. Never got pulled over.

They thought I was a city vehicle. That's funny. They never thought of it. How's my driving? You were fair. You were fair. This guy works for the roads. Call 1-800-DAN.

I think I saw one of the guys from the city over there swerving at 2 in the morning. That's for the water department. That's a water department vehicle. Yeah. That guy's just going to read meters. I'm not going to pull him over. I would, I think, first things guy's just going to read meters. I'm not gonna pull him over. I would, I think, first things first,

you wanna hook up, I wanna get my mom a house. Okay. That's like a legit thing where I go like. Which is always the first mistake. Okay, so you were talking, so you got two mil. Oh, you're right, two mil. Hold on, two mil, I think what, agents, NFL, depending on when you get drafted,

NFL takes you up to like 5%. Yeah. I think it's, it depends on what round you go round you go. I wouldn't be surprised if they're up to 10 But wait, if the signing bonus is too if the signing bonus is 2 million, what's the contract looking like? I mean, I don't know. What are we talking about? And also what state is this a state where most of your games aren't paying income if I'm drafted by the Bucs or the Dolphins Jaguars then there's no property. Texans Cowboys. Texans Cowboys.

Texas Cowboys. Raiders now? They, yes, yeah. I think if it's in a state. OK. Let's just say you got a good chunk, but a house is going to be, oh, you don't want her in some fucking crack house.

What's mom's house looking like? You know what? You're right. I think instead of a house, I buy mom a car. I just get her a car. Give her a Stratus. You got a new car. No, no, no. But I'm going a car. I just get her a car. Give her a Shraddus. You got a new- No, no, no.

But I'm going to get her like something- That's nothing down. That's a thousand dollar a month payment you got to Mel. You're good. And are you buying this house in the city you're playing or you keep it in her hometown? Hometown. So you're going to go back?

Need my roots. Okay. Got to stay level headed. Got to stay- Oh, there's money coming in. Oh, there's pussy getting through that. Listen, if I don't have a girlfriend that was really hot at Penn State while I was a linebacker there, you know what I mean?

Would you would? Yeah, but I also feel like... Those chicks are smart. I feel like those are starter wives. They know they're getting clipped. They know they're getting clipped. But I bet you go to a city like Miami or Tampa. But I don't feel like that's the case though.

I feel like a lot of these guys guys they have a good head on their shoulders They know the girl is like loves them for them They want to be a part of the team and shit like that You know I mean there are going on to that there are women very land you do all cheating But still there are there are women that excel at being wives and girlfriends the wags the wags There are women that are born to be wags. They just know how to dress nice. Yeah. Be friends with the otherwise.

Start a charity. Social, yeah, they're very Philip. Do a dinner for kids without ears. Yeah. What? Yeah. And then you got to shake hands. Dinner is ready.

That's one I'm writing a check for. Or those kids that look old when they're little. And then you got to go. They're running that commercial a lot. What, the Shriners? Oh, stop it. Shriners do good work. They do great work. The Shriners commercials on the Walker Texas, I've been watching more Walker Texas Rangers.

It's on. But that kid in the wheel, that kid moves tickets. He's a fucking natural showman. I heard he just had his second show in Pittsburgh. Dude, he has got it. Hey, don't forget, I'm gonna be at Carnegie Hall. He's hot. And you can donate to Shriners. We're going to hell.

I'll let you do voices, you can't do that. I got the bear blanket at the house. I want them to start saying spooky shit in those commercials where they go, with the eyes of a raven, I've seen your future warrior. I would do, if I were that little Shriner. I steal your breath when you're sleeping. Send five dollars, what? I'm in your breath when you're sleeping. Send $5. What?

I'm in your dreams. I am the third eye raven. And you go, oh, fuck. Oh, my god. Oh, this fucking little monster. You turn around, he's in your house. What car are you guys getting? Same situation.

Escalade. Same situation. Escalade? What is this, 05? The new Escalades are hot. Hummer. And that's my, that was was do five five fifty cent spinners Yeah, Lambo doors. That's I might do that down. I tell you right now convince my wife to let me get a maroon

Escalade truck with the pickup truck the ext or whatever Dodo Lambo doors couple of spinners are the still rims TVs on the back of the headsets Yeah, that's the cat you also it has to be the year you would have graduated. So for me it would have been 94 Yeah, that's the cat you also it has to be the year you would have graduated. Oh, it would have been 94 Man, I'd have been hanging. I'd have been down at the fucking viper room with Johnny. That's like you know dead You would be taking Oxycontin not thinking they were Pharma would have had your ass I move it next door to them. Yeah, I just chomp. I'm a chomp machine.

So I'm 05. So I'll tell you right now what I'd get. Because listen, I'm coming out of Penn State. I'm a real glue guy in the locker room. Glue guy. Middle linebacker with a neck roll. I'm plugging the A-gap. I'm plugging the A-gap.

I got a visor. Sure. I'm buying an 05 Forest Green Dodge Durango. Whoa. A Durango? My uncle had one. I thought he was a pimp for a while. I'm not going to lie. Even our conversation right now, I might gas me up if I move out to the country to get one.

The front of those things, man, if they hit you, you're dead. Those things are massive. There's a high center of gravity on their joints. You get the high ground. That's all still fucked out, dude. You're dead Center of gravity That would crumple a key like a core's like Oh my god, so okay so 94 You're getting like a Corvette or someone a teatopop I'll be honest with you student Baker was 94. I would get like I would get the college in 94 Coming on going. I know I'd be going in the 98 so that yeah be nice. I graduated. Yeah, I'm leaving a couple years Yeah, what are we talking about? You're leaving as a sophomore. What are we not 96? I probably at that time

Would have gotten a Camry and just murdered it out like rim They were so great back then Toyota can 96 Make soda with real sugar. Yeah Like I scoop one of those probably no way you're making MVP with a fucking Camry I think he is though and then they're like and then the story's like he's just a guy regular guy a hard-working then I have a Hummer a military one Before they before they switched over you're talking about the Schwarzenegger The one where you pull up with the butt of a cigar

Sorry, yeah, you already done a lot of work that sorry traffic's a little heavy What are those the chain townhouse with with boys, have the boys down there. So you're gonna bring a house. That's always the townhouse you die in. That's like when you keep a side house. I think you're on to something. That's always where you get found. You don't die in there, your turtle does.

Your boy dies in there. I think you're on to something because I think I'm getting a nice townhouse in the playing city. Yes. City I'm playing in. Something nice. And I'm moving in my weed man

That's pretty good. I got a failed drug test your loser as you got it. You got a morality clause in your contract I also got a piss guy. Yeah, you get someone a piss guy What does they made it through? This guy's pretty bulletproof. I think it's from the Dolphins Ricky Williams. Yes Pinched a couple of times Quick cuz he didn't want to quit smoking weed. I mean, I don't know but I've got his weed It's really good. He's got his own weed guys on strain Ricky. He's all about that life. Yeah, dude. I love it I'll fucking I would love to get high with Ricky Williams. I would love to get high with Ricky Williams That conversation has to be brutes. I don't know. Have you ever yeah, I just saw something with him

I was like I turned out. I just saw that same thing when he said he couldn't yeah He's like I couldn't have played those games and done that well if I wasn't smoking weed We said there was a moment where he was like in his own head He was and then he got the guy was like you got a smoke and he got high and then he was like a bad After school movie. Yeah, but that it's the opposite of an after-school movie Trucking people he started ripping 300 a fucking game. Yeah, dude him at Texas. I remember. Yeah, I don't remember the guy I remember the him at the at the University of Texas was bad ass He was probably doing all right there visor and he was just running through motherfuckers visor for sure. Oh

Or your eyes. Yeah orange mirrored visor. I'm going visor Oh you when you when you're showing up to the that's a big thing now the fit check when you're showing up to the Stadium are you back in the 90s? It wasn't early. So you're showing up just the, that's a big thing now, the fit check when you're showing up to the stadium. But back in the 90s it wasn't early 2000s. So you're showing up just like jeans and a t-shirt. I would do a team's sweatsuit. Team sweatsuit. Travis Kelce showing up in that Saturday Night Fever outfit. I mean dude, he's got him growing his hair.

As someone with hair tits, bless you, as someone with hair tits, I think Kelce got hair tits. Really? I like his hair like that. I didn't like it when he had the buzz cut. It's thicker. It's thicker than mine. I don't know. You know how women, I say this on stage, but it's true.

You know how women with fake breasts can tell when other women get fake breasts? Sure. That's how it is with my hair transplant. Where now I see people with hair transplants and I go, you got work done. Where did you go? You didn't go to Turkey, did you?

Nah, right here in the city. Double wear. Like a NASCAR wife. I've consulted your guy. people with hair transplants and I go, you got, you got work done. Where did you go? You didn't go to Turkey, did you? Right here in the city. Like a NASCAR wife. I've consulted your guy. Not consulted. I've been, he's been pushed on me a little bit. Oh yeah. He's great. I haven't talked to him. Did you go in there and have him do the- No, I poked around a website a little bit. I just can't. When he does that-

I don't care enough. There you go. I'm already, it's already too far gone. You did it when no one went, but then did Danny get touched up? Now it would would be you look fine. Yeah, that's fine. I have a weird head, dude How well how old are you got him? There's like two three years ago. Okay, like three and a half years ago I don't know also like I'm already married at this point. We got a little bit of success I ain't on TV YouTube special route 66 at best out now success. I ain't on TV. YouTube special Route 66 at best. Out now. Go watch it. But it's also like our brand is we're fat

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Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Mack Weldon. You guys know that I love Mack Weldon because I love comfort and I like looking like I tried just a little bit. So that's why you should go get some beautiful Mack Weldon clothing. Mack Weldon clothes are designed to fit your style and the demands of modern life. They look like regular clothes, but boy, they feel like the latest in modern comfort. They're the go-to choice for guys who want to look great

without even trying. You got breathable underwear that keeps you cool, dry and comfy all day. That's the Air Knit underwear. Or the crazy, comfortable but elevated sweatpants. The Ace collection. Get timeless looks with modern comfort from Mack Weldon Go to Mack Weldon comm and get 25% off your first order of a hundred and twenty five dollars or more with the promo code Dan that's Mac Weldon comm M a C K WELDON comm promo code Dan I Would not have been comfortable getting hair transplants

unless I immediately wrote a bit about it. Sure. Because I had to make some fun of myself about it. Which I have to say has never happened. I've never even heard it happen, but like my biggest fear would not be getting them and people being like, yo, did you get hair transplant?

It would be me walking into the room, no one saying anything, and then me walking out and everybody being like what is the fuck is that that would kill me not gonna name your head was bleeding I'm not gonna picture the guy on the flight where his head was bleeding and they were like yo you got to stop and he was like he's got a hair transplant he was like I can't do anything and they're like they'd like laying the plane yeah it was bleeding dude the one guy the bar still just did they sent like ten guys over to get all get it done and should made like a series out of it.

Oh really? And the one dude's head swirled up. It's so insane. So mine. I would do, I would kill for that. That looks great. I didn't even know you had that. So mine, when I went and got it done,

I got the surgery right. And then they were like, you gotta ice your head. You gotta ice your head. But you also worried about the scar. Cause the one I got is where they cut the strip off So my doctor was like just worried about the scar I didn't ice my head enough and then I went to visit my grandma in San Francisco Dude it came out like I was reading minds I had to wear a hat

I am the third eye raven I swear I would have 45 to 100 by 16 I think I could pull up the picture pretty quick. That would scare the shit out of me dude. But I knew I looked it up immediately. I called my doctor I was like yo my head's fucking swelling. You're FaceTiming him he's like holy shit. Yo what did you do? Hey Doc I can see the future is that normal? Yeah he's like I go. Hold on I'm getting Powerball numbers. Oh no it's happening again. Jerry Jerry. Do you want me to tell you what your thing is? Hey Doc, watch out, that car is going to get you. Wait, what do you mean the back of the head you got sliced?

They pull, they take strips out. I thought you didn't do the dots, you did the strip. Nah, my guy, I did the full one. That's why I say in the joke, I ain't a half stepper. I fucking wasn't got. So they rip a strip of your jaw off, your back. Yeah, they take the back of your head and then they put it up here. Huh. And then they put it up here.

And then they plug it in. That's for like, so you guys would understand my logic behind this. The guy goes, we can do the little, and he goes, it might work. Or cut the back of your head off. It works for the rest of your life. It better to cut the back of your head off.

Or for 10 grand more. I mean, for real. Yeah? They were like, for 10 grand more, we could fucking do that. Did it hurt? Yeah, uh yeah I mean there you go I look like a fucking whoo that does not look like me so I mean you're cutting out that if you showed me that said who is this yeah never in a million years when I say Danny so it's glue guy in the locker room

yeah let me show you the mask do you have the mask on? Uh, cause it was, I had to wear it for pandemic. It was during the pandemic. I got mine done right at the end of the pandemic. That's pretty good. You can fly it. Let me show you here. I don't know if you could tell the lump in my forehead.

Yeah. Oh, that's, I mean, I'll give this to Mike so we can edit it. But it's like, you can see, and then the one on the plane is the funniest one because I'm like, oh dude, can you see in the middle where my eyes are? A little bit, yeah. It started like losing air. I see, but that's not bad.

How far out of surgery? That was like a week after surgery. It's like two weeks, right? Yeah, but the thing about doing it in Turkey is you have to fly all the way back to the United States. And that's the thing. And it's like, I wouldn't want it, though. And you gotta be in Turkey.

Dude, I saw a guy, I was just in Germany, and I saw a guy, he's like, you're connecting, and he's standing in line, his head's all swollen, and he's like, wait, you're group four for sure. Oh, a maturing candidate. Yeah. Dude, and the thing is, is you have to soak that pressure change to on a plane Do this is one of the funniest parts follicles popping guys like the guys like cuz you can't see my scar now

It's I did a really good job of like but to hear my doctor's like you got to soak it in warm water You got soaked the back of your head in warm water. You're laying a bathtub. So I do draw a knife I do love a nice tubby time. Well, let me tell you, that was part of figuring it out. So at first I bought like, See I'm a tub guy. My head went right there cause I laid in a tub last night and so I put my ears under and I shut out the world.

You had a fish bowl taped to the back of your head. I had to buy like a tub, like an inflatable tub off Amazon that is like for like old people to like wash their hair Uh-huh, and it's like an inflatable thing that you put on the ground and fill it full of water and you can do so my dumb ass The first time I have to do this I inflate I inflate it so it's like up, you know, and you put Epson salt That's like the thing so it can you doing just complaining doing like a lavender or something. You're not doing plain Epson salt I just I'm a shea butter honey man. What are you talking about? That gets in the cut. Yeah.

Yeah, but it relaxes you at the same time. You're stressed out. You just had surgery. Your body's went through trauma. You're getting infected and but also relaxed. You die of Jasmine poisoning. Why? I haven't seen this. I haven't seen this since the 16th century. He's dying of Jasmine poisoning. Listen, if I can't take a since the 16th century. This dying of jasmine poisoning. Listen, if I can't take a tub, you ain't doing it. But they, so this is how dumb I am.

And you'll understand how dumb I am. So I fill this thing up with water. We're in Katie's place in Jersey. And I put it in the bathroom floor and I go, I'll just lay on the bathroom floor and I'll suck my head. Totally. I'm in my fucking Nike shorts, shirtless. I just lay down and I put my head

and the second I put my head down, the water just splashes over the side. Comes down my back, down my ass. I was like, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah. Make up like Inception. Yeah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah.

And then I fucking, I was like, oh, I'm an idiot. I have to go in the tub. But then what I, but we didn't, I'm too big for the But then what I but we didn't I'm too big for the tub So I had to go we had a big for the top though. We had a standing shower I had to put my legs against the wall. Yes. How you got to do it? I'm also doing an animal I don't have a kid's tub. I'm too big for a tub. You got him. You got to go feed up Don't you feel so vulnerable? I hope my wife doesn't walk. Oh my god. My asshole's face in the door Dog will pop in your nuts And the way your nuts are resting.

It's bad. And your ween. Your ween's just... Dude, your ween's like... It's like when a baby's getting its diaper changed and it pees in its mouth. But dude, I had to go and my grandma was still alive and I was like going to see her.

So I had to bring my little inflatable pub and then I'd be like, I'm going to take a shower, Nana. Because she didn't understand. You got a bike pump in the garage Think fucking feels quick, but I'd go up there and fucking soak my dome My grandma would be like you take so much time in the shower and you're like I got I told her I was like I got hair surgery and she's like what's here? Yeah, they think they can't yeah, I mean they don't explain a 5g to them, but also shout out For that generation they they walked so I could run they'd have sure we're fucking to pace

Yeah, we're a rug and now was that ever an option No for me. Hey, would you ever wear a piece? No, I'm at the point now where if I just keep it tight I just keep it short and it's fine and it's just gonna go I'm gonna keep it I'm just gonna keep getting stay on top of just keep it short and it's fine and it's just gonna go and I'm just gonna keep getting, stay on top of it, just keep getting shorter and shorter and riding to the sun. Louie looks good like that.

That's what, but dude, my dad had, all my uncle, it's like that's the head I'm supposed to have. Bruce Willis. Look, I mean, great. I'd be going against the fucking, I'd be going against God if I changed it. My family is supposed to have this head. Yeah, that's the part of my bit

where I say I really am defying God's will. Yeah. But, because if I had any. And you're going to hell, but that's your business Look at that But if I had any kind of decent shaped head I Would have gone bald. Oh, it's gone bald. I would have had the cul-de-sac Yeah, I would have the cul-de-sac and like a goatee I'm gonna just keep the face and then just start slow

Going but dude I saw what it looked like. He showed me what it would look like and I was like brother Cut me open. Yeah, the second he said that and I was also like dude, I don't know I've always been a fan of fake tits Why not get the male version? If you went that route that you would have had to become like a fucking, you know, like a fitness coach for like a high school team or something like that. I'd have to get so jacked. I would have to get so jacked if I had a weird bald head. Drive a Subaru or something like that.

Oh my God. Now drive like a Tacoma. Yeah. Just get fucking into lifting. Always have chalk on my hands. Sure. Tight bike shorts. Oh my God, dude. White socks halfway up the ankle. But the quads would be popping. Popping shorts. Oh my God, dude. White socks halfway up the ankle. But the quads would be poppin'.

Poppin'. You ain't lyin', dog. But so if you, so if we come out of college, and we signed a big- I'm gettin' hair transplants right away as I'm spending my money on. Would you? Did not in 05, they didn't have the technology.

To pay something. Wear my helmet all day long? Yeah, you go, Scott, don't take his helmet off. No, back then, you got the cash, you got the muscles, it didn't matter. You go, do rag. True. Yeah. I am urban. Yeah, dude, you are urban. That's didn't matter. You go do-rag. True. Yeah.

I am urban. Yeah, dude, you are urban. That's how I get in with the boys in the locker room. They go, dude. I'm not, I can't do the voices, I gotta do something. They go, hey, KR, KR, where you get that wave cap at? Sheesh. Yeah, they go, I like him.

He goes, hit like a motherfucker. Hit like a missile. Hit like a missile. One gold piece in the front. Oh, dude, I mean. I'd get a grill, to, uh. 05, I'd get a grill. 0 gold piece in the front. Oh dude. I mean. I'd get a grill. 05. 05 girls were big. I'm going to Houston. I'm talking to Pow Wow.

Bun B or some shit. I'm going down and talking to Pow Wow. People champ. He's having a guy somewhere. Gotta have a jeweler somewhere. Do you remember Jacob the jeweler? Go to Jacob, ice my wrist wrist up so when I was he was like I mean he was in every song my freshman year their shops were never nice though isn't that weird I mean the

one Jacob's jeweler on 57th was but his original one member the rash seen his original one it was like upstairs if I'm thinking of the same guy I don't know it was like a regular thing and he had like five million dollar pieces They don't want street traffic coming and going it's like come upstairs on the fifth floor to my fucking to my vault through several forms of security yeah, but when I was in between freshman and sophomore year McDaniel was at Yale playing wide receiver. It's pretty good. Yeah, and he was like,

he was going to the Broncos training camp. This is before they had like the facility. So they were at Northern Colorado, the college. That's where they do their training camp up in Greeley. And McDaniel was like, hey, I'm gonna go up to Greeley to work out with the Broncos strength and conditioning coach with Kyle Shanahan, who was playing receiver at Texas.

So they were gonna go work out, which is crazy because they're both head coaches in the NFL. But he was like, do you wanna go up to Greeley to watch a Broncos practice? Which it's like, dude, that linebacking core back then was Al Wilson DJ Williams Ian Gold unbelievable. Jewish kid? Yeah he was like I'm gonna hit you it's gonna hurt both of us. You may know my cousin Jacob. And my bar mitzvah they said I had a nose for the ball that's what they said they said he'll sniff out a run. If there's a pile on, he's gonna sniff that out.

I need a kosher meal on the flight. Also, it's gotta be kosher. No Darien meat. They're on the plane. I got Ian's meal again. Oh, God. Hey, man. Oh, man, how pissed would you be?

Oh, man, this shit tastes weird. It's kosher, so it's okay with God. Is that my gefilte fish? Oy vey. Call of blitz. Wait, did you go to college? Yeah, I went to University of Arizona. You went to the, oh, hey, hey, call the blitz. Wait, did you go to college? Yeah, what's a University of Arizona you went to the okay. That's pretty good. Yeah. I mean it's like you guys are in high school He's taking off the Yale you go to the University of Arizona was I was that's a good time though. Not for me

I was broke and I wasn't Didn't have the Riz Didn't have the charisma. I know the Riz is family. Is that good? There's no scholarships, no fights. Yeah, no, McDaniel was a great student, very good student. And he went to Yale, all of our friends, most of us went to like, most of my friends went to like

CSU, Northern Colorado, but the ones that went out of state. I went to Arizona. That's pretty good, man. My friend Johnny went to UNLV, our other friend Adam went to Duke, and, I went to Arizona. That's pretty good, man. My friend Johnny went to UNLV. Our other friend Adam went to Duke, and then Mike went to, yeah. The running Rebel. I've always been petrified of UNLV,

just back in the 80s, the basketball team. Larry Johnson, they were fucking. Tarkanian. Terrorite Tarkanian. Dude, I would go visit my buddy Johnny at UNLV, and it was like, the way we treat Times Square is the way they treat the strip. Because you'd be like, let's go to strip,

and they're like, I'm not gonna fucking strip. That's how I found out about off the strip sports books. Yeah. Where when, you know, because I had a fake ID so I'd want to go drink or whatever, and Johnny, we had a older friend that went to our high school, Sean, that lived on my block, and he was living out there,

and he'd be like, no, no, no, we'll'll go gamble and this is before the boomer in right now where it was like yet Gamblers were gamblers. This is The scum of you were looked down upon. Yes. This is sodas and coffee cups. Yes. Yeah, and so we went to This off the strip sports book and I remember drinking like a corona and being like, yo, these motherfuckers are CD. Yeah, I like CD. But Johnny would tell me like bet on baseball. It's the most consistent. Sure. Like they had all these like Vegas rules where you're like,

you learn all the tips, dude, for real. Learned how to play cards by going and visiting him a lot. And then I got a valet and get his crank. Dude, you'd be like, no, no, no, we'll go down to this place. I know. Swing by fucking circus. He'd be like, no, no, no, we'll go down to this place. I know a good- Swing by fucking circus, real quick. They also know like buffet deals. Yeah, they can go there on Tuesdays, Johnny's cooking.

You get steaks, and you're like, oh, it was awesome. So we went, McDaniel was like, hey, do you wanna go, do you wanna go to a Broncos practice? And I was like, yeah, sure. And then we made friends with, this might have been between my senior and freshman year of college, but we made friends with, this might have been between my senior and freshman year of college, but we made friends with the special teams coach's son.

Nice. Derrick Bush. Derrick, if you watch this, I hope you're doing well. We were friends for a brief moment. Shout out D Money. D Money, but Derrick was the shit. His dad, Frank Bush, was the special teams coordinator for the Broncos.

And Derrick was like a kid from Atlanta. Just this cool black kid from Atlanta moved to Aurora Colorado got along with McDaniel and all of us because we were just smoking weed all the time and Derek was like got that Atlanta accent and he was like hey Dan you want to drive up with me? Smoke on the way up there? He's like you want to smoke? And I was like absolutely that's all I want to do. So yes. So McDaniel and I think our friend Chad drove up in a different car to go to the practice and Derek and I drove up in my car, smoked weed the entire drive. High as fuck. We get there. You know how black dudes from

the south call their dad daddy? Sure. It's like kind of as someone that without a dad I always thought that was weird and he's like, hey, we gotta go I gotta drop my stuff off at my daddy's room and then we can we can go to practice and I was like for sure No problem. So we go in the dorms He drops his stuff off. We're we're so high. We look like a dare ad like our eyes are that red We're fucking zoo. You're gonna talk to the team Dude Foley I swear to God we drop the stuff off. It's in the dorms. There's an elevator we get on the elevator We go down a level Brian greasy Rod Smith and Shannon Sharp get into the elevator with us

What's up, daddy, dude? I'm high as fuck. I'm high as fuck Dude, I'm high as fuck. I'm high as fuck She's a massive human being it sure sharp stood next to me. He's I'm 6'3. He is way bigger than me Yeah, it's cool as fuck. Yeah, he gets on the elevator This is seared in my brain because I'm high and like, huh fuck Brian greasy Rod Smith And I'm a Niners fan. So I'm just kind of like but I'm still starstruck. Yeah it's crazy. Shannon Sharp looks at Derek and looks at me and he's standing right next to me and he's like talking to Derek so I'm like looking at it and he goes hey Derek I ain't gonna tell your daddy what you up to. Like that and I was like ahhhh. Like the way Shannon Sharp said it he goes I ain't gonna

tell your daddy what you up to. It's also like you're the bad news in the situation. Like yeah like you're hanging bad news in the situation like Yeah, like yeah hanging out these white devils Yeah, scrubby ass white kid and dude I was so fucking scared and we got off that elevator I was like are we in trouble cuz it's like oh one weed was still very much illegal And I was like are we in trouble are we gonna be a trouble and there's like man Shannon cool as fuck don't worry about it, And I was like, okay, all right. And I'm like, you know, white freak out.

So I'm like, I just feel like if I should leave, tell me if I should leave. And we walked around. Making it real awkward. You can't get out of this. I'm making it worse. I feel like we should get out in front of this thing. You know what this is.

You can't get out of the stadium, you're like, back in unlocked. I'm like, ah, ah! I hit John Elway in the dick. He's like, oh, but we, dude, I remember we were like, I was freaking out and he was like, no, it's all good. Let's go in the locker room. And I was like, what?

And so we just go in the locker room, but Derek like knew Shannon Sharp. Yeah. Like they knew, cause he's a coach's kid. Yeah, he's sitting around. And he's a teenager. So they like talk to him like, you know, they got jokes with them and shit.

That's gotta be fun. It was really cool. We walk in the locker room, Shannon Sharpe's getting changed for practice. You know, he's in his football pants at this time. So you know, nothing inappropriate, but we're in the locker room and Derek's like comfortable with him. So Derek goes, Oh, is that that Jacob the jeweler watch? And Shannon Sharpe goes, yeah, try it on.

And he puts it on his wall with the yellow, red and blue in the face. in the face heavy heavy and I did I'll never forget this till the day I die Derek's like looking at it he's like oh shit and I'm just standing off to the side and Shannon Sharp goes your white friend want to try it on he goes why don't you let your white friend I don't know why I'm just a white friend that crusty ass hunky want to get that white devil to touch my watch? Tell him to wash his hands and put it on Yeah, hey oppressor But dude I put it on and there was a moment where I felt like this shit

I was doing the mason. I was doing the fucking flying in a red suit Are you wearing a chain during the game if I'm in the NFL? Yes. Ah Yeah, but it's Christian I can't of course What are we doing? Of course, I can't believe more guys do that and that there's like an unwritten rule The first thing I would do was rip one of those would be ripped one of those that was the crab tree Richard Truman thing That was their beef. That was there. It was crab tree and someone else. It was crab tree and I Forget which corner did it

But they fucking snatched his long hair like I'd be grabbing you know it's hair you it's like you're like my ass It's a lot part of the jury is considered part of the but it's an unwritten rule. They know Usually our fucking hair yeah, damn way gridiron dog. I'd be so caddy You think I'm coming out first round out of fucking Penn State without fucking grabbing some hair play? You got the cul-de-sac with his dreads? I'm a white kid trying to make a name for myself. I look like I sell iguanas in fucking Jacksonville. I just got fucking long dreaded fucking cul-de-sac hair. I mean, dude, if you're an NFL player and someone pulls your hair, how tempting

is it to go, oh, yeah. Get in his ear. Oh, fuck. player and someone pulls your hair how tempting is it to go yeah I mean you come out of the NFL with more than two million dollars you're getting a chain got to let's say I wouldn't now I'm a little more subtle of a guy. Let's switch to sports. Let's say you're a first round draft pick in the MLB. What position we talking? Outfielder.

You getting a Cuban link? I got a big thing about this. Probably not. You're just talking about it? A little more subtle, I feel, baseball. You got training camp, then you got spring training. I'd much rather be at spring training. Oh my God.

Doesn't it seem like they're just having catches and getting stakes and massages and hanging out I lived in Tucson where spring break is yeah that energy is Down there. It's warm. It's cold where the city is where they play. I got two words local skanks Did I know a couple tea holes that were just going around spring training and looking for some Rockies pussy. Couple of hostesses that know how to keep their mouth shut down there at Eddie V's. Yeah, they maybe work at the seafood place during the winter. Spring training, coming in hot.

Yeah, dude, I think if I were a major leaguer, I would get, I like when you see crusty white dudes with chains, because that's big right now in MLB. Everybody's got a neck everybody's got him. I have I have a I bought a I bought a Cuban link. You bought a Cuban way. Yeah, how much there's she it was like one of those cheap Well, I bought it for something. It's too big and to do it's like a joke It's it's too big and too tight for this guy He doesn't have the sinker ball to be pulled You gotta get more movement on your pitch brother I I was friends with when it back when I was like good friends with Pete Davidson when he was like young and he was on

Wiling out he spent his money on a Cuban link I was like I bought a I bought a pretty expensive Cuban link and it was like a fat thick one and you're like I respect it. We did our first sold out show at helium We wanted to take all the money and rent a helicopter to fly from New York to Philly But the bit it was a bit because the bit is we couldn't afford the fight back So we take the bus back a grayhound, but it was just like we were like, let's do this for an Instagram video We're getting a fucking helicopter fly fucking 30 minutes to the show. But then also have to like land.

It wasn't like you'd be landing on top. We were doing helium on a Wednesday night. A walnut landing on a fucking roof on Walnut Street. There's something awesome about spending all the money. Like Shaq's first story, he's like, I spent all the money. That was one of my favorite things about young Conor McGregor. Was he was like, I used to spend all my money so I had none so I'd fight like stay hungry

Yes, you fight like and now he's crazy. Yeah, now he's just out of his Good in a suit though. He's on what drugs? Oh, yeah. He's all yapped out. He's on stuff We don't even know about huh you get that kind of money's IV when you get to the IV game, that's when you get to the Michael Jackson level of drugs. Well, it's like the drugs are just fighting the ups and the downs of life. So you're like, I'm a little tired. Let me take something. Oh, that's kicking in too much. Let me take something to get it down. And you're just fucking, Oh, I'd be dangerous.

Dr. On the payroll coming in at night and putting me in night. Night. Have you had the shit that Michael Jackson died from? I think I might've. Have you had surgery recently? Yeah, I might've had a little propofol. Propofol, that's what it is. I had an endoscopy and they gave me propofol. Maybe, I just had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. They might've gave me that.

I'm getting it done in like three weeks. Nice. You got them done at the same time? I've done it the same time. Dr. Ian Gold? No, I wish. Sounds good though. Ian Gold. Dr. Ian Gold? No, I wish. Sounds good though. I've done it the same time.

Dr. Ian Gold, former outside linebacker from the Denver Broncos. That's a huge asshole you got there. Oh wow, I'm gonna double penetrate you. I'm gonna put one in your ace and one in your fucking mouth. My gastro guy's about 100 years old. The lady, the doctor that did my actual procedure

was the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life. And I'm like, man, you're about to see. You got to lay on your side. So they do the endoscopy first, right? Yeah. Then they flip me over. I just got the stuff for a drink. I'd prefer to ask the mouth if it was it.

Can I be awake for it? I want to make eye contact. Call me a dirty bitch. They pull it out. I go, you don't have to rinse it off. I go, oh, that was not even under. I go, propofol? I'm saving that for later. I pocketed that. I tried to make eye contact. Call me a dirty bitch. They pull it out, I go, you don't have to rinse it off. I go, oh, it's not even under. I go, propofol, I'm saving that for later.

I pocketed that. I tried to play it cool when I came out. I had everything look. She was like, yeah. Dude, you come out though and you feel cool. It feels awesome. You feel, I fought it as hard as I could before they put me to sleep too.

As hard as I could just to get that little, little ride. Yeah. You go 10, nine, eight later, dude. But I had an angiogram a couple of years ago and they think they used fentanyl and this was a twilight sleep and like halfway through I had, I could feel the thing going on my arm. I had to tell the kid, I was like, what are you saving this for the weekend? Fucking you hit me. The fuck are we doing here? He's giving thumbs up. Yeah Fuck was he still up your boss here. What the fuck?

If you're in the middle of the surgery and you see a hand Turn it off. And you go, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. Whistle. Get me a drink or something. Get something stronger. Yeah, the propofol. I woke up after my endoscopy. This is like seven years ago. And I looked at the nurse and I go, can I get another one?

She was like, no, we're not giving, it's not a drink. Bitch. I was like, I'm an addict. I had that with morphine after a surgery. I came out fucking, I had the, you know how you get the halo? Oh yeah. I had that around my arm. It's called an external fix it. It was like bars coming out and I woke up. It was, it was bad. I woke up screaming today.

Like I had to be restrained because I was moving my arm and they were like, I'm crying. They came over and they hit me with the first, like whatever three CCs of morphine and that like a little bit I'm like more and then they came like dude the warm is like high close as you can get the arrow and I think start hearing the doors I'm still inside God kiss me kiss, we're gonna liberate these Vietnamese. I don't know about that. Yeah, you did, fuck it.

All along the watchtower starts like, I don't know how much they did. No, no, no, no, no. Go ahead, what's your name? With soft tits. She's like, leave me alone. Bombs are going off in the distance over the trees. I suck at football, so that's why this fantasy

of how much you, what do you do with your money? It's the best. I would for sure blow it. That age. I mean, I blew it up until a year ago. These kids aren't doing this now. Definitely blowing it at 21. I but I broke my shoulder and I had to have like I fractured my humoral head. Jesus.

Freshman football. That's how bad I suck. But came in like a missile though. Came in like a fucking missile. He Was actually on an onside kick. I'm a pussy. I was actually tripped over someone's helmet on the sideline. It was in the locker room. But I. Was at the talent show.

I was doing my tap dancing and I. The strobe light blinded me. Went for the worm. It's like butters. Did I ever tell you that? I did the devil sticks at a talent show. So embarrassing dude, I swear to you. What grade?

Sixth. Okay, you're okay. I'm on the fence, but dude, I was- You still don't want pussy that much. I was so, I was really good at them, right? But so we did like, I was good at my- Were you doing dueling or was it just you? Just me, right?

And I- On fire. Can you walk us through? the day Leading up to the town. I think I yeah, can you bring your devil sticks with you? Do you ride a bus to school? No, this was that kid's at a camp. Oh fuck is even worse There was definitely an Eggo waffle involved in the morning Yeah, you had an Eggo waffle and you go everything starts right right. Sure. When I don't let go of my in a napkin.

Yeah. Yeah. Dress. I remember Stussy shirt thought it was a comp perform a street performance. You know what I mean? I'm an artist at this point. Yeah. Baggy cargo shorts.

Like I'm like trying to be anything in the side pockets. Probably not. No. Why? No girls numbers. I get that. So when you're like leaving the cabin and you grab the sticks are you like you ready boys? Yeah I'm like go girls. We do. I love that. I love you getting ready and you being like. Stretching out. Did you think it was gonna murder?

Think. I think they were gonna carry me out of there. It was I said devil sticks day and we Sack this is Holland, Pennsylvania many big acts How much is the thing a set of those costs by the way, I would have sadly enough there were I was born on for my neighbor Oh, where do you get? I don't know. It was the night you didn't know where to get though You had a traveling circus or something. Yeah, You couldn't just go buy them at the mall. Devil had to give you the crossroads. Only if you're sick and you rip it, are you going to go to camp and get all the

pussy? So I could do the one like spinning around the one. I could do the double like fucking, I could throw it up And fucking bring it back. I was good right I was so good. Did you have music music? Right, what was the song I forget the song he wakes up? That's where you get him in the parking lot of a Dave Matthews where you have to go. I think that's how Dave really made all of his money. You gotta go down to Dover. You think these people like these songs?

This is just a way to pedal Devil's Day. Two Step is an instructional song about Devil's Day. Two Step's a good tune, though. I mean, come on. It's all right. That thing fucking kicks up. You act like I'm not a white guy from Colorado. That thing kicks up.

That and Crash, I don't care who you are. Rest rest of it get me out of here. It was 98 problem I mean, yeah something like that. So is you know something something of the time? Yeah, sure something hot on a radio for wide spread Kevin everybody White ass Kevin. Don't steal my sunshine. Twice. My favorite stuff. Yum, yum, yum. Something I'll beat, obviously.

You know, keep getting the crowd engaged, the crowd. Oh, you know what? I'm doing a little bit of this. Might have been the right time that you could have done, hey now, you're an all star. Get your game on. Go. Is this you going like this?

Play. Hey now. I'm pointing out the crowd with this. I'm throwing it on. Ashley, Kevin, hey. Hey now. Wait, wait. Start it over again. I'm sorry. I lost it in the lights with this. I'm throwing it up. Ashley, cabin eight. Hey now. Wait, wait, start it over again. I'm sorry.

I lost it in the lights. That's what happened. I didn't account for the light package they were gonna run during the show, Dan. And I mean, I was a little disoriented. No, wait, wait, wait. Left over from a Whitesnake concert the weekend before. Did you like tape up your wrists or anything

before the performance or did you just go in? I just went out. I'm like, dude, I'm so good at these. You were very confident. Very confident. We had done a dry run, like we did a dress rehearsal, but they didn't do the lights because it was the daytime, you know, people are still setting up the room, whatever. Overconfident, devil sticks, summer camp, fat kid. That is a recipe for virginity. I'm going to tell you right now, that's a crash stew.

Man. You're about to crash out, buddy. Dude, and I'm like, this is a little, I was a little off, a little laggy, you know what I mean? You know when you go off for a set, and it's just, you're like, it's just not here tonight? Spinning. And I'm like, everything's a little,

but it's okay, and I go up, and man, it just, the strobe lights hit the stick. you lost the pop-up lost it Dude, I don't know it just falls. It didn't fall on you. No just falls I alright and then people are like pulled a buckner dude, and I just could I mean I must have dropped it nine or No, dude, just fucking then at that point your confidence is shot I can't even do the A plus B over here. You do it. You're walking over, pick it up, go. No, no, no. Hold on. Give me a chance.

The CD starts skipping. Hey, now, hey, now, hey, now, hey, now, get your game on. That is your first intro to not being able to get it up. Yeah, it was like the first intro. Women will never understand the energy of when you're having sex and your dick just won't work that first time in college freaked me out fuck me up this girl Jessica the girls dating if you're watching this I still want to apologize you have a lovely family now I know I know that I

seen it but man oh man She watched the 20 year old Dan Melt down it's weird push it now. You're so not used to that the blood just didn't go Involved like was you stone-sober? Whoa, whoa, maybe that was it. I got the yips. I got the boner yips Jesus You know, it's funny good throw the first dude. I couldn't throw the first couldn't throw back to the picture Now I do anything and then I was going home and jerking off and I was like well It's fine, so it works the equipment's fine a little bit stage fright Come any strobe like it was this one girl

I dated and then dude the funniest part was we broke up just what like obviously she's not gonna date a noodle No kid, especially at that age. Dude, I remember there's boners you could swing from walking around every block. And I don't mean to be too erotic about it's a protein dog. I know. It's just so funny is she was like, we were like, I don't know. I was like, maybe it's just we like had it. She was like sweet about it.

She's like, maybe it's just like not right. Do we do whatever? So let's just, you know, let's just go back like had a, she was like sweet about it. She was like, maybe it's just like not right that we do it or whatever. So let's just, you know, let's just go back to being friends or whatever. Then we had sex on her back porch after we broke up. My dick was like, I'm right here. Yeah, so it was like the emotional. Were her parents in the house?

No. Parents were gone. Was there any risk of getting caught? No, it was, I think literally the freedom of breaking up and my dick was like, I'm in. Yeah like yeah yeah it was no emotional connection yeah not emotional but there's no it was why there's no it's a clean set of circumstance it was just but immediately she goes let's break up and then I was like alright horny right now is there something in here look at how hard I am I've never

been this but dude that tell me you never want to see me again Dude, honestly that was for my 20s if a girl was like I don't see you again. You're like what you're about to get the best But it really was like the first time it happens because women I'm sure they like they're dry or they're just not You know you get rubber rubber hooch door, but you're dicked on. That's usually us too. It's us too. You gotta prime the pump. You gotta prime the pump, get down there, mouth to mouth. Mouth to lips.

Prime the pump. Prime the pump is hilarious. Jesus Christ. The pump's primed, she goes, can you not call it that? You go. Babe, how's the pump tonight? You come up and go, it's running. How's she running?

She's running. Ready to go. Give me a minute, honey. Had to play with the choke a little bit, I got there. I had to flip the hood. Went from turtle to rabbit really quick. I had to press that thing to put the... What are you eating? The gans in there. What are you eating? It's tangy. But the idea of not being able to get your dick to work when you know it works is... I've never had it.

And I guess now as I've gotten older, the second time around is like, the second time at this age, this weight just ain't fucking happening. So I'll make a joke, I'll be like, bitch, I'll be like, this is science. It ain't made. Ticket is good for one ride.

Yeah, I'll laugh about it and be be like I'm moving on or whatever my Latin I'm not gonna fucking get it back up here. I'm like two for ten at this point. Yeah I'm operating in a deficit I'll have that sometimes not to be too vulgar when I'm jerking off. I'll miss it. Yeah, does that make sense? I'll like be like supercharged up and I'll be right there and then something will happen dude And I'll just miss it and I know we're you like all right that happens in the shower You know what happened in the you're like this ain't happening young men. You're sweating the shower We're looking at the three of us going There's no way it'll ever happen to you. Then you hit your mid-30s. Oh, there's just one day

You're in a hotel room and you're drinking off and you go I don't even care about it. I used to have that feeling That hit me that hit me last night. That's adulthood. That's adulthood when you go. I was just like, maybe I could fuck in. My wife was sleeping. I'm like, maybe I could fucking snap one off real quick.

I was literally locking. I had to like check the front door to make sure it was locked. I'm like, what's the point? What are you doing? I'm gonna have to get like paper tag. If you're more excited for a sandwich tomorrow, you know what, I could have a turkey is it just on the news for a minute? You know what is going on with Palestine?

Fuck you know what? I'm not into it anymore But I remember the feeling like when you were a kid and you jerk off and then afterwards, you know Irish cat you feel the guilt. Oh, but It's so worse when you do it as an adult and then nothing in there like it just comes and it goes you're just like Yeah, you really are it's just this moment of like I'm old I am old gross That's why it's always boggled my mind My grandma was in a nursing home for the last couple months of her life and they always talk about how those places are just like

He'd in this day. Oh, it's just like old people boning But I think what happens is this to bring it back to when I was 20 and like my dick didn't work I think their brains leave so their bodies like oh we still got juicy. They're not like our work and whatever. I miss my Emma she died 15 years ago their brains gone and they're just like who are you? And they're just smashing into each other. You seen Ruth and 4B? You know, I lost to her in Bingo and it drove me wild.

Those guys were just more men I think than we are as well too. They also fought in wars and shit. They weren't doing talent show devil sticks. Dude, the idea of you losing it and that being like, I lost it. Like you can't get your double stick boner hard? I was such a gay performer dude. I told Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor this too I did I got a karaoke machine one Christmas and went to my uncle Den's house and wrapped Puffy and Mace all around the world been around the world or something I remember my whole family pipe fitters just going what the fuck is wrong with it looking at my mom like you like I'm saying it's in here. I'm playing around the world and I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- I don't know one of them fucking black songs, but uh that smoke session outside when you weren't around

You know, what do you think? Well, he's the gay one. Yeah. Well, he's gonna be gay or I don't know Maybe get some black wife The way they go. Well, at least we can go to least we can get it in Northside and feel a little safer They're also going like well, she's a single mother. She's trying or she didn't black She's a single mother. She's trying or she didn't black In the same since Dan left that's the lighting that's the lighting in the corner of the mouth they got a quick question Then he's dating black dudes coming from somewhere. I mean the calls coming from inside the house the house I know they don't got cable so I'm a TV calls coming from inside the head I don't think anyone's even him when he gets home from school Yeah, what is he watching MTV TV all day course and daily? That's the problem

It's the problem fucking funny Route 66 yes out now on YouTube go watch their special Go obviously if you don't watch their podcast you're fucking stupid. Thank you. Are you garbage top tier material? Thank you fucking stupid. Thank you. Are you garbage top tier material? Thank you, buddy. Recent episode of Danny so I like how we said route 66 route 66 route 66. That's Detroit or is it is it Detroit or Detroit Detroit? Detroit. How do you say Oregon?

Oregon. Oregon. Oregon. How do you say Illinois? Illinois. Illinois. All right. I call that Chicago. Okay. But it's funny when you meet people that call it, Oregon Or is it Caribbean or Caribbean?

Caribbean Multiple feet is it six foot or six feet? It's about six foot or six six feet six foot. That's good Feet. Yeah six feet about six foot away hamburger meat or ground beef Your ground beef. You're a hamburger patty hamburger patty hamburger patty. Were you a patty kid? Were you frozen patties in the in the freezer? Yeah.

Crack them open with the with the butter knife. My mom was pretty good at making them too. Trish could cook so there wasn't a there was your mom make a decent hamburger when you were a kid. Yeah. My mom. It took my mom 30 years. I know you're watching this Trish. So I'm going to get a text about this. Shout out Trish. She sometimes, used back in the day,

would put onions and peppers in the patty. I hated it. Really? Used to try to dig it out when it would be like that. And then it would have like a little hole in it. Get it out of here. What are we doing? This is just fucking...

And you're not putting cheese in it? You're gonna put cheese and then I understand the story. It's juicy loosey. But yeah. ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]