Soder - 76: Hollywood Uncle with Jon Gabrus | Soder Podcast | EP 74

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

Dan is on the road all 2025! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour May 1-3 - Spokane,WA May 15 - Albany May 16 - Burlington,VT May 29-31 - Appleton,WI June 6 - Red Bank,NJ Sep 5-6 - Phoenix,AZ Sep 25 - Los Angeles, CA Follow Jon Gabrus https://www.instagram.com/gabrus/?hl=en https://www.instagram.com/gabrus/?hl=en PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by      @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Spokane, Washington. And yeah, I say Spokane. For some reason, people everywhere else call it Spokane. They don't know how to say your city's name. Well, I know how to say it correctly. Spokane, Washington. I will be there for five shows at the beginning of May. May 1st through the 3rd. Five shows. Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington. Buy tickets now. DansSoda.com. See you there. Albany, New York. May 15th.

I will be at the Egg. Hopefully that's a theater and not just a giant egg. I've actually heard it is a lovely, lovely theater. May 15th, Albany, New York. The Egg. It's gonna be a fucking awesome show. Buy tickets now. DanSoda.com.

May 16th, The Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont. You crunchy assholes, crawl out of those mountains, eat a granola bar, and come on over to The Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont. It is honestly, I love Burlington. I've been there a bunch. The crowds are always awesome. So come on out to Burlington, Vermont, May 16th at the Flynn Theater, danceholder.com for

tickets. I'm also like grew up in New York in the early 2000s. So I'm like, we're familiar with the air being bad. I did like I went to 25 FDNY fundraisers about it. Also LA's errors always sucked Yeah, you land you see the smog. I wonder I wonder how bad it could possibly be like I don't Understand the science, but neither one of us are scientists. Yeah, would there be enough wind eventually that it's like Hawaii's problem Remember when that happened? Hawaii's problem or something. Do you remember when that happened, where there was a power plant in Japan

that had a meltdown, like a huge meltdown. Fukushima? I think so. This is like, yeah, in like the last 10 years. Yeah, yeah. I think it was Fukushima. And they were like, well, it's Japan. And then everyone goes like, well, you know that like,

the way the ocean works, is that all that could come to the West. Japan's all the way on the other side of the world. I'm like, yeah, but from us, you know who it touches next. That's like the kind of dumb I am. That I respect is when people don't realize what it means where they go like, you know that, and you go, Oh, got it. The frequency in which I'm like, Oh, that's where Idaho is. Like when I land,

I'm like on a plane that I'm like, and I look at the screen and I'm like, I don't know, that's not far at all. I guess I thought Idaho was by Michigan and I'm like so wrong. Fly over country has to be offended. Yeah, this is coastal elite shit. I'm so sorry. Absolutely coastal elite. I've only lived in New York and Los Angeles.

I don't know shit about shit. Everything in the middle, fly right over. And you know when you say like, oh I love it there, it's like, how frequent you go? I go, three nights every nine months for money. And you're like, I love it there. I stay in a Marriott. I drink lobby coffee and sleep all day.

I've always been that kind of guy on the road that doesn't do anything. So I'm fascinated with people that are like, I went to Vancouver and Michelle Wolf runs long distance. And she was like, you gotta go to the seawall. Go to the seawall. I was like, Michelle, I'm gonna go to a dispensary. I'm gonna go to a grocery store

and I'm gonna go to my hotel room and the comedy club. Those are the four places I'm going. That's all you really need. And can I tell you, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about it because there are people that go and like catch a minor league baseball game. There is some sort of element of like you get mad and you're like, oh, I was in this X city for 72 hours.

And they're like, oh, did you do? And you're like, no, did you? No. You're like, no, I beat shadow of Mordor again, but this time on my steam deck rather than my PS five. Yeah. I could speak to my last tour. Where they go like, what did you do? Like, uh, I remember, um, I was in a like Rochester or whatever or Buffalo and they're like, you gotta get a garbage plate. And you're like,

that actually might be the one thing I do cuz I'm gonna get high yeah I'm gonna want to eat terrible food. I'll eat your disgusting cuisine that you're like oh this is for the fattest locals ever I'm like put it on a plate. I'm trying to come up with a tour name and I think it might just be the pig trough tour. Just put your shit in my trough and I'll fucking eat it. If it's a burger if it's whatever I don't want to go to a museum. Dan Soder staying at this Marriott. So we're going to put the trough in his hotel room. Oh, he's back from the show. They just like are dumping barrels of tater tots in there.

And Sagalow fighting for it. Yeah, it's, I've always, felt like the people that go in, do stuff on the road, like on work trips or also the people that wake up do stuff on the road, like on work trips, are also the people that wake up very early to exercise. Yeah, I feel like it's the same. Venn diagram, there's a big chunk in the middle there. Where they wake up and go, I could do cardio, instead of me going like, I wanna lay here all day.

Especially when I'm on like the, I just this weekend I'm in New York with my shows are at night schedule, where it's just like, all right, yeah, I guess I'll sleep till 11.. I'll jerk off till two 30. What am I doing for three hours? Then I'll have coffee. Then I'll eat food. Then I'll like smoke weed. Then I'll go like, all right, I have two hours to unwind before the show. It's like unwind.

It is funny because sometimes I'll go on the road with people that do, do active stuff and traveling in general with active people, you kind of have to warn them. You're like, I'm taking a Z equal. Look for me around noon. Probably 1pm. I was in Sacramento. I'll text you. I sent a text to Matt and Brendan who are on the road with me.

I was like, guys, it's looking like 130. Don't know if that's going to hold. I'm jealous of runners though, because like, for a ton of reasons, but one of the main ones is like, that feels like a real see a city, get your exercise, don't pack shit, don't have to join an Equinox. It's like just having sneakers, shorts and a t-shirt in your bag and the ability to work out three times and maybe I jog and go get a coffee at the end or something like you could do some kind of, it feels like a sightseeing thing.

And that's like the person I want to be. Oh, but I am, I am the, the person who opens the blinds at four. That's the kind of person that not only can bring up the rich history of the city, possibly sit down at a piano and play a song. These are all the same people. I have a friend who's like, when I travel internationally, I download like Portuguese music, and then I run through Lisbon listening to it.

I'm like, I fucking hate you. Suck my dick. I'm jerking off to the same Queens of the Stone Age album while I take a shower. And then I'm fucking, I'm sitting down, my work is sitting down and go like, how do I make this poop joke? Not just a poop joke. I need something in between these three poop jokes. I got arrested a little.

It is the decay of American society when you just know that most of us are like that rules. Yeah, absolutely. It's just getting baked out of your mind till two in the morning and then going like I'll wake up in its afternoon I mean I think that's why everyone wants to be like an influencer or a Podcaster or something because it's like well once I get money for doing almost nothing like that's the dream Yeah, like yeah, no it it is it is objectively cool. It's a hundred percent not for everybody I will tell you there are people with a type personalities that want to accomplish things that want

To do stuff, but there are most of us that's skated by school And are now skating by life. I I was the king of that I was the king of high test grades and never doing anything else I was horrible at test taking but it's consistent. I I was an old cow rick and junior, iron horse. I'd show up and give you a nine periods, even though I was fucking up. You know, you got a bad home life. If you don't want to stay home sick, that was me too.

I'm like, school's easier than being home with my dad. He works nights. I need to go to school, please. I'd be like barfing in my fucking seat. I would be like, no, I'd rather go to English. What did your dad do? He was a stage hand for the Fox five, 10 o'clock news. So he, yeah. So he worked three to 11. So I was never, I never saw him during the week, which I think tested like is a test of why our relationship was at least okay. But then in the summers growing up, we were home every single day with him. And he didn't know what the fuck to do. So in the summers, we would just go to Jones beach every single day from

7 a.m. to 1 p.m. and only if it was torrential, would he then take us to the mall and go to the movies. And that's, I went to the beach. I mean, I have fucking 42 with Puka shells. I went to the beach every day, every summer. And then I eventually worked there. So I lived in a world where I was just at the beach when I wasn't at school And it like that kind of formed I think my entire personality

I think it's where you hang out as a kid Forms who you are as a person. Yeah, you have a lot of in school yards the beach and the arcade and the movie theater Yeah, that's all I do. And my was I would I would most the time, I had to go to like, my mom worked full-time and was a single mom. So if I was in Colorado, up until middle school, daycare, after school program, which sucks. Oh, I can only imagine. I was the oldest of three boys.

So I was the daycare program at home. Cause my mom was a nurse and she worked weekends and shit like that too. Daycare, and by the way, calling it daycare is such a nice Cause my mom was a nurse and she worked weekends and shit like that too. Daycare, and by the way, calling it daycare is such a nice word for what it was. Shout out to the people who dedicate their lives to that, but some of you could not give a fuck. We're from a different generation.

I wanna thank Nancy, I don't know what your last name was, but you were a big blonde bitch and you were mean as hell when you needed to be, but you were the warden. And I wanna thank Nancy the warden for looking over everybody. And thank you for setting me up for life. I can't get off unless someone's being absolutely mean to me. Unless I have a 25 cent soda and someone's screaming at me. If I don't have a big case soda, I can't come.

But there was a thing of like, you know, the way that your dad was like, let's just go to the beach. It was like, my mom was like, you're ready to go. It was like almost being on work release from jail. But work but the work release was going home to sleep in my bed. And then I have to go back to jail. And I remember bringing like action figures in my backpack and being like, what won't get got? Like what? What do people not want? Like what do you want to play with? But can't get gang? yeah, cuz you would pull it out They'd be like you got pantero from thundercats and you're like maybe

Like let me play with that Do you want to look at snarf? The chick if you take pan throw who's gonna fix the fucking car hello He's black no That's not black. He's blue. He's a bald guy with two earrings. That's like a cheetah get the fuck out of here Really go watch stunder cats and tell me they didn't make panthero black. No, that's totally he goes It really goes. Hey, it's just got numb trucks and shit Well, that's just like also GI Joe that like the main black dude was roadblock

Who is the chef and his name was roadblock? It's like give these guys a little flexibility Is not even Asian There's a ton of snake eyes on reddit right now By the sword your podcast sucks. I listen to every episode. Fuck you, I love you. I'll live every, but I'm snake eyes. I fuck you, I love you. I wish you'd fuck my wife or I could fuck your wife or you.

I don't give a fuck. I hate you. You're not funny. All right, I listened again. I realized I was wrong. But again, call me. I love you. You got to come do a show in my city.

I will never fucking go because you're absolute bullshit, but I can make it. I love you. You're so funny. I'm fat too. But that's... That's my least favorite. Like, hey, I'm a fat piece of shit too. So I could really relate to you. I'm like, Hey, come on. Don't lead a conversation like that.

The one that gets me on that was they're like, I'm, I'm sad about my dad too. And you go, I said, would I give off? And you go like, they go like, yeah, you're just a giant child. And you go, I know. When you start doing a podcast and you're mining your personal life for entertainment, uh, this is the deal with the devil you make, is that you open it up to other people going like, I have a rectile dysfunction too, and you're like, I think that was a bit that I did. I'm not positive if that was, you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I didn't even know I was an anxious person until I did the bonfire. And then people were like, yeah, yeah, that's called anxiety. I'm scared all the time. And I was like, I'm not scared all the time. I am scared all the time. I like someone, you know, people will be like, I'm just like you. I've been talking about losing weight for 20 years and never did it. I'm like, oh yeah. But growing up around that shit of like growing up around beach stuff, like I didn't grow up around the beach. So I'm not comfortable. Because you were a mountain baby?

Not even though. Just a suburbs. Just a suburbs kid. Because growing up in Colorado, you gotta have money to go to the mountains. Right, yeah. It's not just like, hey, they're gonna let poor kids go up there and they'll give you a pair of skis.

You gotta like go up, and we weren't poor. We were like dead middle class. But being, middle class is not skiing. It ain't skiing. That's one weekend a year skiing. If anything. That is go try it. Yeah.

And if you like it. And if you like it, hopefully some of your other friends from school like it and you can go with their families. And hopefully they have an older brother. Yeah, exactly. That went on to college. That's the same size skis as you.

Yeah. There was a size 13 boot. I just remember when my parents were like, no, you're not playing lacrosse. I'm like, why not? They're like, it's so much equipment to buy. I was like, oh, okay. I got into it.

It was limiting. Yeah, wow. I was the one white kid on Long Island not playing lacrosse. Oh my God. And then they look at you like, what's wrong with you, bro? Yeah, what's wrong with you? Is your family poor? I'm like, when I'm a senior,

they let you get the equipment from the school. We're a beach family. I'm on the swim team. Oh my God. You only need goggles. And I'm on the football team where everything is from fucking 25 years ago. The equipment for high school football. I wonder what it's like now, but I think now this is so anecdotal,

but I went to my nephew's baseball game and he plays you eight baseball on Long Island. Under eight. Yeah. Every kid had a neoprene sleeve, a chain on the outside of their, the fucking, they all had walk-up music. The parents live streamed the game for parents who can't make it. It's like, it's become so, and I can only imagine what like a kid

who's playing football would get. You know what I mean? From both the school and like the fear of CTE. So it's like top tier equipment. There's no, I got like a helmet that had like three cracks in it and said, like the only good commie is a dead one. Oh, we don't know. We haven't used this. We scoop some brains out of it. Here's yours. The baseball thing is hilarious because it is like,

I didn't even think about that. They're all these little Dominicans now. Yeah. Everyone is like aspirationally Dominican. They're like puppy, puppy. My little nephew has like a perfectly lined beard, like tapered pants. He goes, Uncle John, do you see that picture? Adios mio, he throws right up in the zone. You go, what the fuck?

Where did you learn? But it's true, they've almost, this was a little sidetracked, but I think because when we were growing up, it was like, if you played basketball, you like knew what Michael Jordan and Shaq looked like. And you knew that, but now like every, every baseball player, every athlete is got like a walk on fit before they even put their uniform on.

And now there's like the aesthetics to it. And then the parents are our age and we are the generation that was like, you're not getting that bullshit. And now your kids like, dad, can I have the $350 back that all the other kids on my team have? And you're like, fuck yes. I'm dumber with my money than my family was when I, I begged my mom to play football. I begged my mom to play football. Sixth grade. My mom's like, I'm gonna let you play football. And I was like, let's go.

We went to play it again sports. Very familiar with both play it again and take five. I got all my gear there. Shout out both of them. I had such an abnormally large head. You're using past tense just kind of for fun. I have. I wear a size eight.

It's giant. I got reduction. I got a Brazilian head reduction. You look at the back. I had to go to Portugal for a week. You went to Turkey instead of getting the hair put on. I can't see to the left. Some of my motor functions got cut out. Don't touch my soft spot. I got a new soft spot. I go dude, Soder's brain, you can touch it. He got head. He presses hard and he speaks German. I go, do a math spot. I go dude, Soder's brain, you can touch it. He got a head. He presses hard and he speaks German. I go, eh, I'll do a math problem. I was like, to solve for accident. But we went to play it against sports and they're like,

it was one of those things where a guy goes, I can check the back. Oh man. Which you don't do it, play it again, cause it's all there. Right. Check the back. We have something we might have thrown in the garbage.

Found a, I needed a white helmet found one and it was giant but it fit and it had the This is 1994 So the face masks that were in were the Derek Thomas Yeah, the thin one with the bull hook and that's the one I rocked that one was sick So fucking cool could barely see shit with that hair That's the one I rock that one was sick. So fucking cool could barely see shit with that hair For people who don't have not played football if you're like not if you're a kid and you you're using like borrowed equipment from the school

The second you're on the field your vision is like so you're like, okay I think I know what I'm doing here then just like you put the mouthpiece in put the mask on you like I can't see I can't breathe. And the guy across from me seems ready to kill me. And I haven't even hit puberty yet. And everyone, you feel like everyone already knows what to do. Oh, that is the defining moment for me in sport is when I'm out there and I'm like,

where did everyone figure this out already? Why am I the one guy that missed something? I was like trying to get into it in high school. In high school, I sucked at football, but I was trying to get into it. And I went to a seven V seven and they were like, great. And I show up and they're like running Jay Hawk. And I was like, and I'll see you guys tomorrow. I remember that moment with like, it's covered too. And I was like, okay.

And I remember in that moment being like, I just want to go smoke a cigarette. I just never in that moment would be like, I think I'm over all this. I need to go rip a Marlboro. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Guys, you know how much I love therapy. I can't talk about it enough. I had a great session this week. It's just good when you have bad stuff happen in your life and you have someone to go talk to. And then you just get it out and you're like oh well that does make sense you get perspective you get your reality confirmed therapists can do a lot for you better help they make it all easier

sorry i was like absolutely fighting a burp and then i was like why don't you just let it go that's what my therapist would tell me he'd go let it out tell people you're burping! With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient too. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit your therapy into your busy life. Plus, switching therapists at any time. So if you don't like who you got, find someone new.

Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash SOTER to who you got, find someone new. Your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash Soder to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H e l p.com slash Soder. I never really knew you were allowed to quit things. So I played football all three years and high off four years in high school and was bad. I got most improved player my senior year. That's like this guy used to be awful and now he

chases down punks. I almost, I think I was in the running for most improved and then I quit after two days. Cause my mom was like, you know, you need to like pay for college. And I was like, what? My mom was like, it's a little late. Yeah. And then I, that's everything in my life. Everything in my life started late podcasts, fucking saving money for a fucking college. But my that's everything in my life. Everything in my life started late podcast fucking Saving money for a fucking college, but my mom was like you're paying for college

And I was like oh shit, and I saw that football wasn't doing so hot now No, my mom was like why don't you get a job? And I was like alright, and then I told my coaches I was like I'm getting a job and they're like okay We're gonna miss you whereas whereas like in like the movies, like I'm getting a job, it's like, look, the team talked. We're gonna give you guys, we're gonna be able to give you guys $100 a week. So we need you on the team.

But so there's like, I got jobs like, hey, great, my cousin works at the grocery store if you need a spot. They still can. Good luck out there. You seem like a good guy. And you go, what? I was kind of hoping for a stick around.

We actually need a guy like you, unskilled and large, but soft. So I can give, uh, I can give someone else your number and you go, you already planned on doing that. That was me. Cause I was a big fat kid, but I didn't really like, I grew three inches or, uh, in height only in between senior year and freshman year of college. So that when I showed up to freshman year of college

I was like a young man. Yeah, but when I was 16 17 I was like a boy with bee cups and I was just everyone's like you weight 230 pounds. You should play football like totally I am so soft. I'm silly However, as a matter of fact if you get hit three if now, silly brain for football, nightmare, however. As a matter of fact, if you get hit three, if you get silly brain, they make you quit. Yeah, and then you get a podcast. Tua has it.

Yeah, I know, God, Mike, keep him off. Mike, keep him off the field. He's got a fucking silly brain. He's gonna have the best podcast that we know, like five years to go, dude, Tua just says some wild shit on his podcast. Yeah, Tua just has to have like Candice Owens on and then he's gonna make money and the Tonga viola hour. He goes,

and we're bringing up January six. He's got a guardian cap on with a mic on. He's like, you know what those hits did to me rat right in my brain. For literally move it to the right. But they I remember played against sports when I got the helmet helmet which you know, the helmet is the crown piece of the football Yeah, cuz you on Fridays wear just helmets on third on some days you have just the caps. Yeah a cool helmet It's like I would ride a motorcycle just for the helmet. I don't know what is about helmets Yeah, I'll tell you what for me the helm the first helmet I saw that I was like helmets fucking fucking rule, was the Rebel pilot helmet,

the white one with the orange. I was like, if I had that, I would get so many girls. It's like my true belief when I was like 13. Nothing made my little penis move harder than the motorcycle helmet with the thing, the flip down with the window. If I see a dude with a flip down motorcycle, I expect him to pull out a sub machine gun and shoot at me.

You're a bad ass. You're a bad. You could probably free climb a building. If need be, or at least, you know, you take that helmet off and defend yourself in a bar fight. So fucking cool. Yeah. Hold it like a space man. Helmets were so fucking cool. And then the second you get older and you're like, I don't want a job where I have to wear a helmet. Like I'm soft. Like everything you realize, I don't want to play sports that need helmets. I don't want to have, I gave up the bike, like my,

like my only form of transportation when I was 14. Cause my mom's like, the law is you got to wear a helmet. Now I'm like, no, I don't want to be called gay. So I would have been like, what kind of helmets we talking about? Like if I could have worn like a fucking rebel pilot helmet or a stormtrooper helmet on my bike as a kid. Oh, did I remember that?

Just think, your parent and your friend's kid comes to pick him up. He's on a bike with a stormtrooper helmet. Where did you get that? You know what? Dan can't come out. Why, where did you get that? And he goes, why are you asking questions?

Are you part of the, are you part of the rebel alliance or not? And you go, are you get that? And he goes, why are you asking questions? Are you part of the Rebel Alliance or not? And you go, are you into this? This is not the house you're looking for. But if you did show up with a motorcycle helmet, I'd go like, I'm gonna keep my wife inside. I'm not trying to lose my wife to a kid. Not again. He flips it up, amber home,

and you're like, get the fuck out of here, kid. Get out of here, you cool fucking kid. Doing like fucking the dirt, turning out dirt, spitting it up, amber home, and you're like, get the fuck out of here, kid. Get out of here, you cool fucking kid. And he's doing like fucking the dirt, turning out dirt, spitting it up in your trunk. He's like, oh, what's up, pussies? He's just hopping on his back thing. He got pegs too. Oh, pegs, dude.

Dude, my mom was like, no pegs. Only my friends had pegs, but it didn't matter because I couldn't really ride on them. I would be like, on my friends GT Dino, it would be like this, like a jet ski in the water. He's like, do you want to get on the front? I'm like, I think it'll be worse. And then it's the back half.

But now I'm starting to think kids now, pegs are like, oh, sexual thing. Like they, pegging is so popular. Two kids are backing their asses up onto a GT mongoose right about now. It's cold, it's cold, it's cold. It is, I also think like, not to be like the symbolic old man.

Pegs are like for me and a friend, which I don't think kids are doing either. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here with the peg. Like I don't want to have friends. I ride my own individual fucking cool ass bike and I don't even need to ride with everyone because I come home and play Roblox on iPad. And I do my eye chat with my friends. My friends don't exist in the real world. But the helmet I got for football was such a letdown because it had the fat 80s face mask for linemen. Yeah, which you truly need, but you

don't want because you want more visibility. I wanted to look like Derek Thomas. I wanted the fucking McMahon fucking something. But they were like, that's illegal for the kids. Just a kid running a, they were the excuse. The reason they said we couldn't have it in, cause they were like the ref or the EMTs need to be able to see your eyes. If I was like, okay, yeah, I don't,

I don't want to play football. And this is a possibility. You have to look in my eyes and see if I'm alive. That's really funny. The follow up question. You have to look at my eyes. See if I'm alive Make sure I'm alive Yeah, I think this isn't the sport for me and we're playing other children and I'm only on goal line offense and defense This is like what I do every day after school for six minutes of playing time every weekend and you got to see my eyes What's going on with that. And then you go see baseball and you go, no, not that either. No, baseball scared the fuck out of me.

I only played as like a little kid because we were like, it was mandatory more or less, but soccer and baseball seemed mandatory for our generation. They were. I did my year of soccer and then I was like, well, fuck that shit. All practices is running. Yeah. I stuck with soccer for so long that there was a period of time where I was playing high school football and travel soccer because I was the goalie

yeah yeah it was I was were you good at it I was better than gloves I had a dude I had gloves in the long-sleeve jersey and I thought I was the fucking cool I thought I was Tony Meola yeah Who was a, I wanted a ponytail. And my dad was like, what? Shut the fuck up. That is kind of sick though. If you're like good at goalie, and you're like slapping it away. Bro, if you just get one where you bat it away,

or you grab it right as the attacker's running at it, and you just, they don't get to it. That is like, you get to like have that rebound Dennis Rodman moment, but it's Belmore Blacksharks you 13 travel soccer You're like then you but did you have a dribble leg because a lot of times those goalies could fucking kick it across I could punt pretty well Not like not like the classic fat kid that can like the kicking mule who can all of a sudden boot it one of the earliest Jokes that I saw in stand-up comedy that I was the most jealous of

Was that an open mic where this kid was like, the only place fat kids get respect is little league because they go, he's got power back up. And I remember seeing that joke and I was like, God damn it. That's a good joke. I forget whose it was, but that joke lives in my head is like, God damn it. That was a great joke. That's so real. Thank you to Babe Ruth for setting that stereotype up for life.

Cecil Fielder, Albert Bell, Babe Ruth, all these fat kids. You knew they'd come to the plate. You're like, this kid's gonna hit a fucking day. I know. Fielder was on the Yankees for a while and that was like elite for me. Cause I just loved having a fat guy to cheer on. Then I eventually got Giambi. So I had a Guinea to cheer on. And you got the out of shape Giambi. I know the one I wanted. The one I felt most represented on screen.

Not the jacked one. No, I want Gabagool fucking Giambi up there. That's awesome. I love that for New York sports fans. You just have to be a just a daygo. Yeah, Tommy Cutlets with three and 14, he's the worst quarterback he's ever played. And we're like, his mom makes him cutlets. put him in the fucking Pro Bowl. They go, bro, they're out in the fucking block a lot. All these fucking, these ginzos are just going like, dude, he's the best fucking thing of all time. Bro, I wouldn't leave my mom's house, either if she made the fucking scungil, right? That was the funniest part of watching

the New York Giants fans. Like, it was your friend trying to convince you this girl is right for him. She's clearly a problem. Where they're like, bro, Anthony DeVito from New Jersey, fucking sick, he's got a visor, they fucking tailgate. They do this, that thing. And then you watch NFL defenses go, we're just gonna make his life a living hell.

Yeah, we're gonna just play basic defense and he will not be able to physically handle it or mentally. We're gonna show you what the NFL's about. And Italians in New York are still going, these guys fucking good. Well, there is something to that like Italian American, specifically the New York Italian American, which is a culture I'm very familiar with where they are the experts on everything, even if immediately proven wrong. Like I have the uncles that are like, give me the ball, give me the ball, give me the ball. Brick, brick, three bricks in a row.

And they go, that's why you gotta shoot with the wrist like that. And you're like, what? And then they're gone. Yeah, they look at the ball and they go, ain't, you gotta put more air in this ball. Bang. Yeah.

Bang. Yeah, give me that. Jesus Christ, don't you know how to play? Nope. Whoops, miss, okay. And then you're like, and then they leave more confident. Dude, what sucks is having a single mom. And you're like. Oh, you run into those and then they leave more confident. Do you know what sucks is having a single mom and you're like, you run into those guys and they're fucking.

Yeah. Can you help me? Yeah. Can you help me learn sports? My mom's like, Oh, sure. I played softball and you go, all right. That moment where you go like, I wrestled when I was, you get roasted on the baseball field, your little league, cause you just do a fucking. You put on Masty with it. You're so good.

I'm like, Jenny Finch. I'm like, kyaa! And they're like, dude, Sutter under it. You're like the pistol beat of baseball. Dude, just let him throw. He throws under it. But, dude, 17Ks. These kids are fucking unbelievable.

But it was that feeling of like, you're like, all right, thanks, mom. You like saw her trying. And there is this level where you go like, she needs, thanks mom. You like start trying. And you, there is this level where you go like, she needs this as much as I do. Yeah. And you can almost, when you're, when you're the age as a kid that you're like, I don't want to have

this interaction anymore, but my dad is really enjoying kicking soccer balls to me. So I think I have to just do it for another. Oh, I almost got the one by you. Yeah, he's like, hey, you know, when I was playing soccer, you're like, oh, tell me all about it. I know, I know full well you dropped out of high school in 10th grade, dad, so tell me all about this soccer league.

You were in it. You made up childhood. Yeah, I don't know when you did this. Because, you know, I used to play soccer. You go, was that when you were working full time as an eight-year-old from your fucking stories? Weren't you a boat valet at 16? My dad was a liar, so he would just make stuff up.

And you'd be like, I don't just make stuff up and you'd be like, I don't think this is true. He'd be like, I was pretty good at football in high school. And you're like, I never heard you played football until right now. And I think you're making that up. Cause it just came up that I'm doing it now. And you're a loser as an adult,

which makes me think you, if you would have played football, I would have heard about it already. I would, you would have the framed photo up. If you had the hits, you would have played them. your litter natural no chemicals in your nostrils just corn below so every time you go you'll know yush don't stink world's best cat litter for the world's best cat this weekend only at nacy's it's our lowest prices of spring how low diamond rings pendants and earrings only $399, originally $1,500. Ninja blenders now $89.99 and $395 men's designer suits only $99.99. So if you're wondering why you should shop Macy's Lowest

Prices Sale, well the name pretty much says it all. It's our lowest prices for one weekend only. Starts tomorrow at Macy's savings off already reduced prices exclusions apply Any please brother, please brother. Are you guys? Do you have any kids? No zero and I think that's gonna be the number for life. Yeah. Yeah, I think we're the we're rolling No child we made like a crate we we went through the we want one We don't want one we did IVF and we were like, oh, maybe this is the thing to do. And then through that, which was an insanely difficult process, we still were like, maybe, maybe.

And then eventually we had like a series of heart to hearts. And then the thing that really triggered for me was like, every time I fantasized about my future, it was never from a parenting perspective. It was always like free time. Like everything I dreamed of was like never a child. Always my wife, dogs, like all my, like ah, close my eyes and I'm on a beach.

It's not me teaching a kid how to surf. It's just me taking a surfing lesson. You know, like. Ripping through a bucket of Corona. Yes, and I was just like, and my wife who was more hesitant than I was to have a kid. So when I came to her with that, she was like, yeah, let's pull the plug. Let's fuck it. There is a good feeling. You know, I think there's a lot of couples out there that that

probably has to really suck when one wants a kid and one doesn't. And you have to like, it created drama. And then for us, even then, when we came back around to both being on the same side about it, you know, there's still a little like, well, I was right the whole time and I had to do all the hormone shit and I'm like, right Okay, I know it was terrible I'll go on TRT if you want me to babe Hello welcome back to my podcast on HGH is a problem. Hello, thanks, welcome back to my podcast. Hi guys, we're not funny anymore.

We're gonna talk about great sources of protein. I'm the color of a hot dog now. With the neck? Dude, steroid neck? When you see it. Steroid neck and steroid nipples, and maybe I'm just going off Joe Rogan's cold plunge videos, but like, there's looks to these guys now.

They get that Hulk and Macho man, not to play the home favorites here They get that Hulk and Macho Man, not to play the home favorites here, but that Hulk and Macho, I know who I'm talking to. I'm trying to bore you. Hey, I don't know if there's something to brag about, but neither of us have changed in the 20 years since I've met you. We're still rolling the same way we were in 2008.

I literally messaged you and said, and if you aren't recording your podcast, do you want to just get high and play video games? Down to see you But it really is that like that neck that like 80s wrestler neck. Yeah, you get like Muscles there but then it also pulls your face in a weird way and then you get a little bit of the jaw a little bit of The forehead and you start looking more and more Android more more and more like Max Hedge, the voice of a new generation. You're like I just don't understand the idea of being silly and on steroids. No it feels like you're an extra level of

suspension and disbelief you have to do with the crowd. Like being jacked and then being like you guys want to know something funny that happened today and you go I don't know. You won't believe what happened to me. I was actually the lower status person in an engagement at the coffee shop and it was humorous Physically disarmed the person but instead mentally I just took note of it and I now I am using it as a setup to a punchline It's also crazy when you're like no, I kind of want you to be a piece of shit Like I do feel like there's like a level of comedy a level two comedy where the audience is like I just want to meet someone who's

Humorously explains how their life is worse than mine. That's that I mean that is the golden rule so I can leave Oh, I laughed and soldered that guy's sad about his dad, huh? It's like weird you don't want to go in and go like that guy's got a good life. Yeah, he's doing pretty good Yeah, you're just like holding up your Robin Hood stock portfolio on stage It's like weird. You don't want to go in and go like, that guy's got a good life. He's doing pretty good. Yeah. You're just like holding up your Robin Hood stock portfolio on stage. Yeah. Right here. Look at that. That was the third quarter. Up here's the fourth quarter. We're close to retirement. You know, it's funny you said about like in the visions of your future, there never was a kid.

I remember growing up, I'd always be like, who are these like alcoholic uncles and aunts and like, get a life you loser. And now I'm like, Oh, I'm ready to come back to drinking. And when I do, I'm about to be a drunk uncle. I'm like the Hollywood uncle. And me and my wife are like, cause every one of our nephews and nieces lives in New York. So we are the most interested. We come back, we uncle Nani, you have your toenails painted. It's like, yes, anyone could do whatever they want. And all the concern,

Long Island conservatives like get away from him. Called the woke mind virus. I wore a speedo on vacation in Montauk and it broke my entire family's mind. That is great. Jesus Christ. John, then you don't got a bigger fucking pair of trunks you could put on. I'm like, what the fuck guys? I am excited for like a, when our niece gets to like 16 and she's like, Oh, so that's why uncle Dan goes outside and comes back in in a way weirder

mood where he doesn't really listen. My whole family does that. We call it checking the pool filter. Cause my mom has an above ground pool swirl. If this is not the obvious most long Island sentence ever my I smoke weed by my mom's above ground Remember when I moved to LA and someone's like they have a pool and me and my wife were like is it above ground or in Ground they're like we don't have above ground pools We say pool it means in California, every pool is inside. I could not believe that shit.

It's inside the ground. It's wild. And when you have an above ground pool, once you swim in one and you see one in the ground, you're like, well, of course. Yeah, this makes a lot more sense. You don't have a fucking four foot wall of light blue in the middle of your yard to look at all day.

I remember being like little and being like, mom, can we get a pool? She's like, no, we have to dig the ground up. And I was like, yeah, good point. And then the first time I saw an above ground pool, I went, you sons of bitches. You lied to me. Yeah. If we didn't know, I didn't know we could have done in our backyard.

That would have worked so poorly. An above ground pool would have been a horrible. It is really fun when like, like growing up on Long Island, some of the kids who got an above ground pool, they didn't really have the yard for it. So you'd like go out there back door go down like the porch steps and then it'd be like the pool ladder is like right there and you like leave your towel like hanging on a lawnmower that's like super close and it's spider webs and shit you know it in hindsight like the dad is like, we got, I got a pool at home. All right. I did great OT this year. My favorite thing is Joe lists. Family has a pool table in their house.

They don't have the room for it. So there is one part where like, you're like up against the wall like this and Joe's dad will fuck your shit up on that. He's the whole like come up and back He's got like a little tiny like a creamer maestro thing Like Steve I'll play That's some real home court shit We're getting a fucking pool table Fucking cue-size holes in the wall behind you. As you think,

just don't hit the fucking wall. And you're a visitor and you're like, uh, I don't think this is physically possible. That's my favorite shit of people getting stuff that they can't fit and just forcing it. Yeah. They're like, no, this, like, I got a good deal on it. Like we had a super contra arcade game in my basement. That is incredible.

Incredible. Kind of a boring game. Even with unlimited quarters, we never beat it. And I'm like, specter me and want to finish everything. I could not fucking do it. How far did you get? So far, but the game just speeds up in such a disgust. Having your own arcade game with unlimited quarters really shows you like

the tax on poor people that arcades are it's it's like the lotto for 14 year olds because none of for my birthday one year that we went down to the the barcade in downtown LA I took out $50 and I said I I need three people to play X-Men the arcade game with me and we're gonna fucking beat it for once. Like 40 lives and I'm like I can't play this game anymore. It's boring, it's so repetitive, it's getting so hard. Who were you? I was Wolverine.

Of course. But my favorite, because I'm usually Colossus. I was gonna say the only three worth of shit in that game are Wolverine, Colossus, and Cyclops. Yes. Because Cyclops laser beam clears the whole now you can tell we played this when we were growing up because we didn't play Dazzler storm the two women Digital pussy I'm playing fucking X men this used to get this Well the X chromosome say shut the fuck up This is not a woman.

Well, the X chromosome, shut the fuck up. OK, we understand that. We understand that's the why that makes the guy shut the fuck up. I do not call the white men. I got like street cred back then because I could go and do the Colossus impression. And I would literally have friends come up to me on the playground like gamers, gamers, gamers do Colossus. And they go, nailed it.

He's like, OK, got it. Dude, it's it, you realize that arcade games are that scene from Wayne's World. Yes. Where he goes, you wanna know the best part? It's Brian Doyle Murphy. Oh yeah, the big gelatinous cube that goes village to village.

He goes, you can't get, there is no level two. And you're like, oh fuck, I saw that. I've never seen that be like, it does feel like that. It really is that shit. There's, I think I've beat one game in the arcade and it was Street Fighter II. Oh, hell yeah. But it was like past its prime.

Mortal Kombat came out and everyone moved on to Mortal Kombat. And I hammered Street Fighter II. That's Dan Soder. Tekken 3 just dropped and he's still on Street Fighter 2. My dad worked at this liquor store in Mill Valley in San Francisco called Dan's Liquors, which I always thought was named because he loved me.

Oh, you're not Junior, he's not Dan. No, he's Gary. He was a clerk there, that's it. Also would let me steal sodas and candy. You do automatically get hired at liquor stores if your name is Gary, right? Yeah. I go, what do you mean, I just go,

my dad goes, I know how it goes. Hey, Gar. Yeah. He goes, I'll start the cigarettes, see the cigarettes up there? He goes, I know how to refill those. My name's Gary. But there was a arcade down the street from Dan's Liquors.

And I would go, when I went, cause I would stay with my dad in the summers and winters, I would be like, oh, this, I gotta go to the arcade. And I remember the line for Street Fighter II was like out the door, you had to wait to play it. So you'd play Neo Geo. Do you remember Neo Geo? Bro, we had one in our super pizza,

which was our local pizza hangout. Which had- Windjammers, Puzzle Bobble, B. Which had. Wind jammers. Wind jammer. Puzzle bobble. Rampage. Rampage. Rampage two. World of Heroes, which was a knockoff of Street Fighter.

Oh yeah. And then they also had Metal Slug, which was like a knockoff of Contra, but better. I like Metal Slug. So it was funny about that. One time on the bonfire, I brought up like, I'd go to this arcade and play Neo Geo,'d say I play neo geo and this they talk about podcast fans All these people were like Soder grew up rich. He grew up with the neo geo. I was like, excuse me

It was a standing arcade game at the arcade. I didn't even know I looked it up I didn't know you could have it as a home concert. Now. Here's the thing I did know that because there was one summer where, this is an interesting level of wealth, one summer my parents wanted to sell their house but couldn't find a new one, so we all moved in with my grandfather who was like a widow for 25 years,

never had anyone in his house, added five trashy humans and a dog, and they felt so bad for me and my brother having to live there and move and live a whole side, that they took us to video games and more on Merrick Road and let us rent a Neo Geo for seven days. I did not leave the fucking basement. I had like fucking, I looked like Nosferatu,

Son's mustache at the end. When you rent a video game system, because my mom was totally against me getting an N64 until it finally, after a couple years I put the- Until she played a few rounds of WCW versus NWO. And she was like, fuck, this game rips. She goes, what is this, World Tour or revenge? She goes, I got Goldberg.

Big poppa pump? Oh, hell yeah. I've been waiting to be DDP. She goes, fuck a stunner, give me a cutter. Yeah, I wanna see that DC, baby. My mom's coming to the kitchen. Ah! She goes, fuck a stunner, give me a cutter. Yeah, I want to see that DC baby. My mom's coming to the kitchen. She goes, dinner's ready. Sweet. Too sweet.

But I remember when you rented a video game system, it felt like having the nuclear football. You felt like bringing it home, you were like, because it would come in like a suitcase, then you'd get bringing it home. You were like, cause it would come in like a suitcase Then you get a blockbuster and that was something that seemed so opulent Yeah to be like I'm renting a system system and it felt you felt like how do we even hook this up? You know, I was blindsided when I was like, yeah I played Neo Geo or whatever and all these people like soda grew up rich I was like dog. I didn't even know you could bring one home I only knew it from it being in the actual.

And that was cool because it was one of the few arcades where there was more than one game loaded in. In the middle game, in the middle button, you would switch to each screen. And I loved World of Heroes. They had a Bruce Lee character that I loved. And they did, what I liked about it was it was more Mortal Kombat than Street Fighter

because they did like death matches. And so the ropes would be on fire or you could kick people into spikes and I was like this shit rules. That's awesome. So while everyone was sucking off Street Fighter 2, I'm over here putting in Neo Geo time. Next summer I come back to see my dad and Mortal Kombat's out and everyone's like all were playing Mortal Kombat. I jump on Street Fighter 2 and now that I realized that I kind of just cheated using, I think I used Ryu up to a point and then Dulseam just to crouch and kick, but I beat the

game and no one cared. I beat Bison, no one cared. That is the realest shit as a 42 year old who like wants to call my wife in and go like I just finished the last of us to this game Is right now At the start of the pandemic I bought a ps5 and just played all the PlayStation only titles cuz I was Xbox up until then Oh, go to Tsushima. Yep. I played that spider-man sequels coming out this year. Oh, I can't fucking wait spider-man one Miles Morales and spider-man 2 so fucking good Unbelievable last of us 1 and 2. So, Last of Us 1, I beat.

Yeah. Right? Katie was still on ESPN and she still had her podcast when Last of Us 2 came out. Big video game fan. She was like, Last of Us 2, I'm so excited. PlayStation was like, you know, you're pretty loud about being a PlayStation fan.

They sent us a Last of Us 2 trunk to our whole place in Jersey. With the hard copy of the game for his PS4. So before PS5 came out fucking a backpack, she got like, uh, like the backpack that Ellie carries and like buttons and shit. And I can finally admit this because this is a safe space. I was so jealous.

I didn't play it. She beat it. She beat it. And I was like, I actually don't even care that I go. You know what? I don't, I don't even, I do. You're going to bring the trunk to our new apartment. Okay. Fine. It's still in storage. Jersey. It's so funny because this is the, this is the safe space. The first time I can admit it. She, she's, she's, we've come a long way since guy code.

I cried when my wife got a video game I wanted. You know what's breaking? I could be jealous of your wife. But I remember she, she beat it and she was like, you should play it now. Cause we had that hard physical copy. And I was like, no, I was like finding excuses. No, I'm all right. I didn't like love the first one. I'm replaying Red Dead 2.

I don't think I need to play it. And then, uh, last week we like said something and she was like something about last of us too. And I was like, I never played that. And she was like, you never played it. And I was like, no. And then I downloaded it. I was playing it all weekend. This is my last weekend off before I go back on the road. I love it. Do you bring a console on the road with you? I have a steam deck. Yeah, I'm a student that guy too. Yeah, man video game nerds It's so funny to watch my fan base because my fans of this podcast

Don't they're pretty vocal when I start talking sports. There's a group that's like stop talking sports I don't know sports, but then I start talking about video games and sports people are like stop being gay But then I start talking about video games and sports people are like stop being gay You contain multitudes, but I'm just telling you steam deck has changed the way I travel because you travel all the time Yes, I am a fucking edible and steam deck time traveler. I just arrived wherever I want to go Fuckin Oh Mikey does the fucking steam deck too. Yeah. Hell Dude, I'm telling you, I am, I just played- I almost brought it to play on the subway here. That's dangerous. Yes, it's dangerous. And then I did the math on,

oh, I'm mostly walking, so I'll just fucking, I'll leave it. For a plane, you busted out on a plane. I'm playing Midnight Fight Express, which I'm almost done playing. Oh, I've heard, I want to play that. It's very fun. Play Sifu. I've done, I have played Sifu and I like Play it all the way through. No, I got, I got really upset with it. It got difficult. You have to let go of dying. You just have to let go. You're going to die. Okay. I got so good at it. I beat it all the way

through. And then there's a way that you actually beat it. The way you beat it isn't by beating the five bosses. There is a other way, a way to inner peace. I got to finish. I'm going back. Rules and they have a new game coming out that's nothing like it. But that fucking company game is so fun. It is so if you like beat them up third person, it is I've it's hard to find a game that scratches that itch that the way that my friend Des told me about it. It's almost to find a game that scratches that itch that the way that my friend Dez told me about it It's almost like real fighting It's like the closest to actual combat that I've ever

He's never been in combat This game though is like you control someone in a kung fu movie Yeah, and you just so fuck shit up. And the conceit is if you die, you come back older, come back a little older, more powerful, but a little weaker. Yes. You get like better at moves as you come through at the age of 20. I've gotten all the way through at the age of 20, which I'll tell you right now, the cussing in the walls of Hilton's and Marriott's. I get hurt sitting cross legged on my bed playing that going, mother fucker.

Because the art, the art expo level is fucking damn near impossible to beat her. And then, I mean, Sean, I got him. Toast. Done. Sorry Sean. The artist, pretty tough. But then you go to the corporation

and then the final level, I had to look up what to do because I couldn't beat the final guy. But once you look it up and you figure it out, then you gotta go all the way back through. Holy, I had it on PlayStation, so now I think I gotta port, I gotta get it on Steam. I played it on Steam Deck, loved it so much,

downloaded it on PS5 so I could play it again. And now I'll pick it back up and play a level and just get absolutely worked, like the club level, and then I'll come back and play it again. You just said something sitting cross-legged playing the steam deck. I never feel more like a teen girl than when I'm playing the steam deck in my hotel room or whatever. Cause I keep my, you know, you eventually get uncomfortable and then you're like on your belt,

hanging off the back of the couch. Anything and you're like, it's like a long conversation with your crush. The thing that always makes me feel better about it is big Jay calls it tummy time. I need my tummy time. And I was like, brother, relatable as fuck right there with you when you have to get up and stretch. Cause you played a handheld video and you're like, dude, get off your phone, get, stop being on your phone all the time. Like, and I,

I'm on a Steve's deck all the time. I'm doing this because I held it up above my head and my arms are asleep. I'm going, I just need to take a little walk around the hotel. Maybe go get some of that lobby coffee and come down. On a Thursday night, when they're on the road at a club, you'll do five shows. One Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday, which I'm doing a tour at the end of the year, which is going to be one city a night. And I'm kind of like, but what about my tummy time? But there is something about it one city a night. And I'm kind of like, but what about my, what about my tummy time? Yeah. But, um,

there is something about it since I quit drinking Thursday night shows over and it's like nine 30. And the next thing you have to do is 7pm Friday night. You're like, okay. And there's a good restaurant in town. I'm gonna smoke a blunt to the face. I'm gonna go munch up. I got, Brandon Sagalow comes on the road with me a lot and he got a Steam Deck. And I was like, and I was like,

and then it became a thing where we were like, I was like, dude, Max Payne 3 is on Steam Deck. I don't know when was the last time you played that game. I have not played it in forever. Is it worth? Brother, go get it. I, you know, I had- It's a Steam Deck game that eats the battery so fast.

Dude, I'll be on the fucking plane. I'll take my noise canceling headphones off and I'll hear my things like, brrrr, and my leg is super hot. Holy shit. I'm getting cancer. I'm getting cancer. Should I move this thing?

I mean, I told you I'm not trying to have kids. So I don't. Yeah, so you're fine. I don't want to fuck up boners. They go, we don't need to give you a vasectomy. You're firing blanks. Did you wear a speedo since you were 13 and hang out mostly in hot tubs with hot controllers in your?

Do you hold radiation next to your nuts? You go, nonstop. Yeah, sorry. I shaved my balls using the microwave mirror. Have you ever seen a guy get jealous of your steam deck? Dude, I got jealous. I used to have a Nintendo Switch for travel. And then I think a cleaning lady at a hotel took it

Like which was brutal really what a gift. Yeah, you can buy a new one, right and her she brought something home from her kid Yeah, her kid was super happy. I Unfortunately kid can't buy any more video games on Before you guys were not that happy I did call the Nintendo World. Shut down, Mike. I'm happy for you guys, but not that happy. Your gracis might only go a little bit. But then I was like, fuck, I got to get another handheld

for traveling. And someone's like, dude, you should get the Steam Deck. Because I'm like, I really like those indie flash games. Like, I'm a big card deck building rogue. Slay the Spire, I really love. Monster Train, I really love. Did you have Dave the diver? I put like a hundred hours. Dave the diver, by the way, is like,

I'm a scuba diver and he's fat with a beard. I was, I never felt so represented on screen. Katie somehow got word about Dave the diver for a month and a half. I go out in the living room and she'd be like, sorry, it's sushi night. I got to get this together. And she'd be like sorry sushi night I gotta get this together and she'd be like putting together. I could not believe I loved the vibes of the diving and the music and you're having Such a good time and it's like Godzilla. Yeah, and then the next day the next day you're like now you work at a sushi restaurant I'm like, what the fuck is this fucking game? And then by the third night, I'm like, dude I have to pour the beers a little bit

Customer satisfaction and we need the money so we could buy the recipe for the spider roll. I was like sitting here doing something and I asked her, Katie, go, well that guy walked out and I was like, what? All of a sudden I'm so invested in us. Fake restaurant. I think a real restaurant job would help me more in life than me playing this game that much. Yeah, than Dave the Diver.

But it is. It was a game, we had my buddy Lazlo who worked at rockstar came on the show Oh, yeah, and he was the one where he called me one time and he's like, you know, he was talking to me about something I think I could project he's working on and he's like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm in Buffalo. Just playing my switch About to go to do shows he goes to fucking attend to switch get a steam deck and this is like three years ago shit I was like, I don't know about a steam deck. And then last Christmas, Katie's like, do you want anything? I was like, I kind of would get a steam deck,

but it would never be something I'd buy myself. She got me the steam deck. I downloaded Max Payne, or Mad Max. I played all of Mad Max too. Which was unbelievable. So fun. And then, because we do a road trip out to Colorado and back

for Christmas, stopping in Chicago, see her, uh, her brother and sister-in-law niece, that steam deck on the drive home, we got snowed in in Nebraska. It was the greatest thing I've ever had in my life. Fuck a boot knife. Fuck anything else. It was like, Oh, I can just sit in this car and I have my one hitter. I had my little fucking bat and dug out next to me. And I was like, I can stay in this car for like 36 hours if I need to. And I had to go inside a Motel six and charge my steam deck behind the desk. Or I was like, can I charge this?

The guy was like, yeah. And then I didn't want anyone to take it. So I was falling asleep, like watching it. But did I come back out and be like, dude, I'm going to go get a harpoon on my car. I wish my battery worked a little. It's the only thing they're coming out with a new one that apparently is going to have a better battery life. I can get one cross like almost one LA to New York flight out of it just about if I

start it late. So shout out Joe at the stand. He jail broke my steam deck and put an emulator on there. So I have every 64 Sega, Super Nintendo, Nintendo, dreamcast. Oh, hell yeah. Virtua Tennis. But that dude, Virtua Tennis, the first UFC game on Dreamcast is unbelievable.

Oh, that's fun. I remember that. He put PS2 games on it. NBA street volume two, Def Jam, Fight for Def Jam, Vendetta, Fight for New York. Dude, that's crazy. Dude, I was playing Def Jam, Fight for, Def Jam Vendetta, Fight for New York. Fuck dude, that's crazy. Dude, I was playing Def Jam, Fight for New York, on a plane on my Steam Deck,

and this guy sitting next to me, button up black businessman or whatever, he was just sitting there, you know, he was like looking at his phone or whatever, and then it's like as the flight, I think we're flying like San Francisco or something. He looks over and he goes, are you playing Def Jam Vendetta?

And I was like, oh yeah, I'm about to fuck up Redman. And he goes, how the fuck did you get that? And then just cut over 30 minutes later, he goes, find him. And he's like, oh shit, and then I gave it to him, and he was like, oh. And when I handed it to him, he was like, so this is Steam Deck.

And I was like, yeah, you gotta get it jail broke, you can find people to do that. Jail broken Steam Deck is the next safari search on his phone. Well, they did is steam deck. Yeah, I was like, yeah, you gotta get a jail broke You can find people jail broken steam deck is the next Safari search on his well They did this thing you remember. It's funny. Bring up WCW percent Wo my favorite wrestling game of all time is WWE no mercy WWF no mercy, whatever you want to call it WrestleMania 2000 that aka Form of video game. Well, they did a new one now people are so good at computers They did WWF superstars and they did like a no mercy

But with all 80s wrestlers with the music and shit, I have been trying to find out how to download this on my steam deck I've gone into subreddits that I have where they're talking code and I'm like, I have no idea You're good at this stuff. Please hit me up I'm like, I have no idea. If you're good at this stuff, please hit me up. Find me. I need WWF legends on my Steam Deck. If I get that video game on my Steam Deck, I will need nothing else.

Yeah, it's like Panacea, you'll be fine. I will be. Crime will go down. Crime will go down. The economy will go up. Your loads will be heavier. Fruits will be sweeter. The seamanx, Cats and dogs living together.

Total anarchy. Total. But it really is one of those things where you find that out, and you're like, it gives you a childlike feeling of like. I am so never really been on Reddit before, but video games have got me back. And I'm like, and when you search stuck on this level

in Baldur's Gate 3, or stuck with this boss on Baldur's Gate 3, first you get 26 AI article responses that make you realize that the internet is dead. It's all dead internet. And then you go to the fucking Reddit threads and then you're like, wait a minute, these guys or these people, guys, put in a shit ton of effort.

One girl, 87 guys. Yeah, one girl, 87 guys, 13 shooters. And they're all commenting and they're like, and I'm just like, holy shit, there's and then so I, I still have never written anything, but I searched like Heroes of Might and Magic 3 was my favorite game and whatever. And then someone's like, you got to get Songs of Conquest on Steam. And I'm like, what's that?

So many indie games are like kind of reminiscent of classics and I've got now like, I'm on hour 55 of Songs of Conquest, this boring ass fucking resource gap. I'm having the time of my fucking life. There is nothing better than finding out a friend of yours is into a nerdy ass video game. Shane Gillis loves the army conquest games that are like, I'm not playing that.

Where he's like, I've set my forts up. One time we were at a skank fest in Houston and I was like, I got there early, I'm like, what are you doing dude, let's get lunch. He's like, cool, come by my room. And I go up there and he's like, sorry, I'm setting my armies. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

And I love it. That's the best, because when people have that specific genre that they're into, where they're like, I'm setting my armies and I was like, you know, what the fuck are you doing? And I love it. That's the best because when people have like that specific genre that they're into, where they're like, I play video games like, oh, cool, like Sifu this that you throw out there. Like, no, no, I play World War Two Invasion. You know, it's like all that kind of stuff that you're like, and you find other people that like it. They're like, oh, fuck it, dude. Go take a look at the Sifu subreddit. I might help you out.

Thank you. My master. And remember, peace is the only way forward.reddit. I might help you out. Thank you. My master. And remember peace is the only way forward. Peace is when I beat it, dude, I it's the funny part is, is thank God Katie's into video games. Thank fucking God. Cause what I go outside and tell her, it makes me feel like a retarded child. I am obsessed with college football 2025. Came back out this year for the first time in 10 years. Have played it nonstop. Not that good at it.

Played my friend Dez who's great at it. Beat the breaks off me. But I run about seven good plays that'll get me done. But I run a dynasty that is so like, I'll go out and be like, hey Katie, that power back from Florida committed to Arizona. And she's like, okay. And then I go in there and I'm like,

thank God I'm not having kids. Cause at the age of like 11, my kid would be like, oh, so my dad's retarded. That's fun. My wife and I have a very complex relationship over video games cause she doesn't play them at all. But recently I've been putting in, I put in a lot of hours and finally beat Baldur's Gate 3.

Which is one of the hardest video games. It's one of- My young cousin, Jameson, he's like, no, it's not. Because he's like, fuck you, it is. But it is the most, and this is a selling point for me, might not be for other people, but I think it's the most classical adaptation of Dungeons and Dragons ever put into a video game. Okay. It plays just like D&D,

all the same rules, it's so awesome. I'm sure the Spectrum-y D&D kids went ape shit for this. Oh, my God. But I was having the time my fucking life with this game. And Tiffany was like listening in the other room. She's like, that music's beautiful. What are you listening to? I'm like, it's that game, Boulders Gate 3 that I've been telling you about, that I've been dying to play. And it's D&D.

And I talked to my friends all day on the phone about. She's like, I'm like, you should really just sit down and just watch a little bit just to see how beautiful the voice acting and the scenery is. And the scene she sits down for is. Somehow this succubus is fucking my main character who's a half mind flayer, half elf, and he's got his like dick out and he's fucking, she's like, I'm so sorry, what the fuck?

And she's like, give me your seed if you wanna live. And she's like spinning and there's fire everywhere. And I'm like, Tiffany's like, are you fucking serious? But it's pretty hot though, isn't it? But I'm like, it's, this is not the whole game. I swear to God. That is, it's like, it was like back in the day when I'd watch wrestling, my mom would come in and be like,

what the fuck you watching? It's like a bikini match. And you go, this is a bikini match, but it's not. No, his name's Papa Shango. He's actually a voodoo guy. So be careful. It's actually kind of cool. The one that never gets me is I love,

I still love the WWE games. So I play 2K24 and the soundtrack is dog shit. It has to be. They let Post Malone pick the songs. Oh, finally. And that guy needed a few bugs. I don't know. I don't know if he's just hammered on Bud Light when he picked these songs,

but it is in WWE 2K fans will agree. This is that's easily the worst soundtrack they've ever put on it. Cause sometimes they put some bank, like have Busta Rhymes which is great when it goes on there but a lot of times I have to turn the music off yeah because I'm like dude this I believe it sucks it's not Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 no the greatest soundtrack of all time please war motorhead yeah I now know the song ace of spades by heart at 14 because I fucking was doing the playground level trying to get the 20 eggs but was funny is that there there was a song on 2k23 and WWE to take 23 with Post Malone and Ozzy Osborne where

it's like take what you want and go it's you would just hear it in the other room and I would start singing it and she like don't do it cuz cuz you know when you like absorb things that are in the other room, so you don't even realize it's in your head Just in your brain. Yeah, I just caught her back in Jersey at one point like doing something and she goes Motherfucker it's in my head. Yeah, you got to go get the fucking men in black gun Because that worked for Madden and I think everyone saw that. That they were like, oh you put your songs on Madden, that shit's going to go through the roof. Right and that and it's just another way for video games to be like across a general like, oh yeah you can make money selling music, you can buy the Madden soundtrack, like all this shit, like unlock that like that shit gets to me. Do shit gets remember and this is something this is dating ourselves

But like how sick it was the first time you put on a video game in real music was on it, right? Not any music. Yeah, I think it might have been that like on PlayStation or something Yes, it was SSX or Tony th PS 2 for me cuz I like you put it on you're like, no, this is a real song It wasn't like Because I like you put it on you're like this is a real song it wasn't like Yeah, you're like oh, this is fucking jam and now I'm like stop with the music we Final Fantasy 2 or maybe it was 3 7. I know that's 6 and whatever but 2 or 3 here has this boss fight music and we were stuck on me and my brother were stuck on the boss for like

6 days and it also got to the point where like my mom be like you have to go to bed and we would shut the TV off but leave the Nintendo on and be like we needed to be okay when we come back down and it's so crazy but the song ended up being like so and it's like and me my brothers got so in there was around Christmas time we started making up Christmas carols to the tune of that. We were losing our fucking mind. I'm just having like a sense memory flashback to our gaming. Our Nintendo system was hooked up to a like nine inch computer monitor in the corner of our basement.

We had a real TV that my dad used to watch sports on. So our video game was around the corner. And the bench that we sat on in front of it was the middle bench from a van that we had been totaled. But my dad's like, the bench is still good. We gotta take it. He's not wrong. And so we're sitting on a two seater car bench

in the basement looking at like a nine inch TV for 14 hours a day. Just straining your eyes. We're a foot away from it. And then they're like, oh, sitting too close to the TV. You're like, also having a shitty TV in a van bench, you'll fuck your eyes up. Yeah, I know.

I think I gave myself scoliosis that winter. There are things about video games where it'll affect your mental health in a way. When I was trying to beat God of War and I was fighting the Valkyries, there's this thing they say where they're like, sure, not again. And you're just like hearing it,

and you're like, I'll fucking kill you. It was like rage baiting me. Bro, along those lines, there was a period of time where I was playing GoldenEye so much that I would accidentally strafe in real life. Like I'd walk into 7-Eleven and go to the left, like not turn, I'd go to the left and go down the aisle and then go and then like, and not,

and I was like, because you learn to strafe around corners so you don't get caught blind. Now I'm doing it like in a 7-Eleven and I feel fucking insane. Or like any like blocks game and you like close your eyes and just fucking puzzle bobble is like, bust a move is going in your head the whole time. You'll enjoy this, this entire weekend

when I would stop playing PlayStation, I would go into a room and look for supplies. Like on the last of us two. I'd be like, this is pretty good. This is a bottle. I'd like grab a bottle of water and be like, probably make a med kit with this. Just like walk it through the baseball bat.

Oh nuts and bolts. Oh half of a scissor. Great, I can make a fucking exploding bomb. Yeah dude, it is. We grew up. Ah, sushi, eat the plate too. Wow, wow, wow, wow. We really did grow up perfectly aligned with video games.

Like kids now are coming in and they're all like modern and shit. We watched it go from eight bits, 16 bit, 32 bit, which I think of course everyone is going to think their experience was the best, but I think it let our brain develop with video games rather than video games developing our brains a little. Yeah, it absolutely was. Cause it was like the first time, dude,

I remember the first time I played Madden. Even having a console game, like your parents can get in the way of that a little. Yeah. The second your game is like an iPad or on a phone or something like that, your life, like. I won't put games on my phone. I have to, I just, I mean, granted we have a steam deck,

which is. I know. But the reason I do is. I've gotten up off the toilet and collapsed with like pins and needles in my leg for playing Bellatro for too long. But it is true because I feel like if I had a phone, I would, my brain, my pathway,

have you ever like taken Instagram off your phone and you go to click it and it's not there and you're like, whoa, that's weird. Yeah, I got this app called Brick where it's like this little thing. This is not an ad, but this little thing that I, as a magnet to the side of my desk. And if I open brick and tap my phone to it, it can close whatever, make whatever apps I want unusable till I tap the brick again. Oh wow. And I do that to myself. And then I'm, I'm still compulsively trying to open Instagram. And it's like breaking my brain a little. When I

like, I want to say like in September, I took Twitter off my phone because as an NFL fan, you know, you're a Giants fan. Yeah. Niners and Giants both had horrible seasons. Yeah. I don't want to read that. I learned this season, this NFL season was so much more enjoyable because I'm off Twitter. I still post on Twitter and I don't go on Twitter.

Yes. I need to, I need to develop that relationship. And it was like, well, thanks to him, he like posts clips and stuff and I never have to go on it. Yes, I need to, I need to develop that relationship. And it was like, uh, well, thanks to him, he like posts clips and stuff and I never have to go on it. So I'm like later, because I noticed it wasn't politics or sensationalized news stories or all this stuff that were up, which is meant to get you upset. It was sports stuff. Yeah. It was like someone being like, I remember the last time I got mad about sports was I'm all over the map sports wise but I grew up 49ers Giants so from the Bay Area then I grew up in Denver so I'm a Nuggets fan okay complicated Nuggets thank God you

thank God you didn't become a Golden State Warriors fan I was brutal I was I mean I was and then I left hmm when I was and I've told the story before when I was 10 years old they traded Tim Hardaway to the heat and I was, and I've told the story before when I was 10 years old, they traded Tim Hardaway to the heat and I told my dad, I was like, I'm gonna be a Nuggets fan now. And my dad goes, you sure you wanna do that? And I was like, positive. This guy, Dikembe's got it.

He did. It's when they upset the Supersonics. Yeah, yeah. I became a fan of theirs in 93, 94, they beat the Supersonics. Hell yeah. But my grandma, who passed away last year, Warriors fan her whole life.

I mean, Niners, Giants, but she was a Dubs fan. Like she loved Warriors. And she was very aware that I chose the Nuggets over the Warriors and she let it be known. She would always be like, you could have been in the dynasty right now. And you're like, I know. And Steph Curry is so fun to watch.

And then they would just beat up on the Nuggets. I'd be like, why did I do this? But last year in the playoffs, Nuggets eliminated the Lakers two years in a row. Bang. Cause Jamal Murray's insane. But I noticed how mad it got me the Minnesota series because they were like up two and everyone's like,

fuck the Nuggets and I would just go on Twitter. I'd be like on the subway and I'd be reading Twitter like like Lakers fans being like nuggets down falls upon us and I'd be like writing tweets back like you fucking hope you get cancer. And I'm like, what am I doing, bro? The what am I doing? I I finally stopped myself from ever replying to anything that bothers me. I know I don't even reply to things I like anymore.

I just will read it and have full blown emotional fucking I'll go all over the mat. You want to talk about doing something that makes you enjoy your sports season more. This year I stopped watching the Giants. My Sundays have been so much like week six. I was like, what if I didn't dedicate four hours to a sun on a Sunday to getting depressed? I love it. Yeah, I my, I love the Niners so much. Like I did the thing when they were eliminated. I think it was, uh, the dolphins eliminated, which I grew up with the head coach. So that was like a tough game for me to watch. And he was joking around about,

he's like, I know you were cheering for the Niners. That's why I had to eliminate them from playoff contention. And I was like, fuck you Mike. But I remember, I remember doing those things. It was very similar when I drank where I'd make these giant like, I'm done doing that. And I went into the living room and I go, Katie, I'm done. The Niners have been eliminated. I don't care about this season. And then cut to me the next week being like, from the fucking

ball. And I just like still flipping out, but I love it. It's something that I love. I noticed taking Twitter out of it has made me enjoy it 20 times more. It is something like, I know it's like, sort of rote to say at this point, but it is a way to let you feel feelings like sports. Do you feel, until you realize that these people

that you're getting mad at don't know you and some of them are such pussies they won't put their face out that you're like yeah I'm I mad at this guy that's the thing you got to realize to about the social media is like the person you're talking to could be 14 could be developmentally disabled could be wasted could be having the worst day of life could be peeled out of their mind frequently it's like I remember I'm So frequently it's like, I remember while I'm like, oh, I'm too high for this app. Like I'm about to message this woman doing split lunges. I don't know her. I'm about to make a comment like great form. I'm going to get like divorced over this. I got to put this fucking thing down. Put it away. The dead dad sports thing made me think of, my dad passed away like 13 years ago at this point but

my I had my brothers over to watch a Giants game in my Brooklyn apartment like the first time we all got together after he died and sure football season was kind of and we were watching Kevin Boss I remember was the time and we kept being like we were fucking wasted like I love him dude I love Kevin Boss every time we kept saying we loved him and then we like looked at each other's like I think we've officially said we love Kevin Boss more than we ever said we loved our dad. It's like, Kevin Boss is a 22 year old stranger.

Our dad is- Who by the way, might play for another team in two years. And he will. Daddies, that's always the thing that I'm amazed about is like, these people throw their lives into athletes and these guys go, I don't know, I just work here. Yeah, right? It's like, if I was like, dude, Doug at Applebee's? These people throw their lives into athletes and these guys go, I just work here. It's like if I was like Doug at Applebee's. You started wearing a Doug shirt with a Doug.

Doug's my guy. And you go, Doug, let go. Cause he was a no call, no show. And you go, it was like my whole guy. Doug's a manager at another Applebee's. How the fuck could he do that to me? It was a huge pay raise for him. By the airport? Is he at least controlling the schedule? Now I need a fucking son of a man while he's off my fantasy Applebee's. Jack chicken strips getting moved up. Yeah. Dude, I'm so glad you came by to do this. Soder, thanks for having me, man. It was good to catch up.

Check out everything John Gabris does. He is fucking hilarious. Thank you, man. There was podcasts. Listen to anything this guy does. We are guy code alum. Did you do guy court? I did an episode or We are GuyCode alum. Did you do GuyCourt? I did an episode or two of GuyCode. How many cases did you do? I can't remember. I think I did two or three cases. I did four, and I was two and two.

I think I was one and two. I lost to Little Duval in Charlemagne. Yeah, that's par for the course. Yeah, especially. Hard to make a case against either of those guys about anything. Especially when you're a white guy with a military haircut. Yeah, and Donnell Rawlings is hosting that. He's judging.

I know, son, you're retarded. Donnell still calls me by the wrong last name. Yeah, I did so many episodes of Wild and Out where I was just called Peter Griffin. It's so funny. Just young black kids, their only reference for fat white guys is Peter Griffin. But dude, I remember Guy Code and then Guy Court. Do you remember this specific memory, calling out another cast member of ours, when we went and shot paintball with the Guy Code guys?

I absolutely remember. And Pete Davidson was popping off in between takes, in between games, shooting us in the back and shit. Remember when I snapped? Yeah, when you snapped and you were all... I walked him down. He was a child. Yeah.

And he was shooting grownups in the back in between takes and we were like and we were there a long day. Everyone was pissed. I did, I want to call out, I did win. Yeah, Gabriel swore. I went full FPS on everyone. But I remember Pete would be like, what the fuck? And then there was one time where he did it,

and then I was walking at him shooting my gun. I was like, why the fuck are you doing that? Stucky's like, Slaughter, stop. But I was like, this is fucking bullshit. And then they had to be like, dude, it's paintball. And I was like, I know, I'm fucking flying off the handle. And Pete was like, sorry, I don't know what I was doing. I'm a little baby boy.

And here I am going like this annoying little fucking kid. And he's like, sorry, I don't know what I was doing. I'm a little baby boy. And here I am going like this annoying little fucking kid. And he's like, sorry, I have to go fuck Kim Kardashian. Sorry, dude. I got to go run through every hot girl of our time. Hey, who was the last 10 girls you jerked off to? I fucked them all. Yeah, well, I'm going to take them down. Thanos glove.

And finally, Jessica Alba. Bing. Bing. And finally, Jessica Alba.