Soder - 77: Texas Soil with Rosebud Baker | Soder Podcast | EP 75

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

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Hey everybody, it's Dan Soder, you know that, you're on my Instagram. Why would I say my full name? Am I wearing a wire? Spokane Washington, May 1st through the 3rd, I'm going to be at the Spokane Comedy Club doing five shows. I love that town, I love that club, so I'm excited to get back. May 15th, I will be at the Egg in Albany, New York, So go get tickets at DansOtter.com. May 16th, I'm gonna be at the Flynn Theater

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I should tell people Rosebud Baker has a very funny special on Netflix right now that you should go stream. Yeah, go watch it. It's called The Motherload. Motherload, which is great. I'm gonna take out this Werther's because I'm- Well guess what? I don't wanna be doing this to people.

We got a whole bowl of them in the other room. I know, them in the other room so get a pocketful of them before you go back Lauren will be like Rosebud I noticed in the room that you were eating a lot of Werther's original Dana only allowed popcorn Dana loves where there's original I was on the road I think you're on the road with me right we're doing that the African shaman, just an African guy walking around going, I don't like you. Saying I could hire some African guy to talk honest

to other comics. Dan does not like you. He does not think you are funny. And they go, hey, did you order, did you like tell your shaman to tell me I'm not funny? And I'm like, Oh, did he do that? And then, and then I had Lauren going, Lauren Michaels going like Dana had a shaman. When I told, you know, I had to tell Lauren that I was pregnant.

How did that go? They made me go into his office to tell him, like, did he sit with his back to you? And like, he spun around with a cat. It was odd because I'd never had a conversation with him before in my life. So it felt like. Your first conversation with Lorne Michaels. Was telling him I was pregnant.

Which feels automatically like I'm telling him it's his. Yeah. He goes. Do you know what? I usually finish on your tip. Yeah. It's like. It finish on your tits. Yeah. It's like. And go like impossible.

I was like, why am I telling him this? My load accuracy is off the charts. I never miss the tits. Belushi taught me a trick on how to come exclusively on tits. So when you go in there, is it like his hot assistants? He has like nine assistants that are all in a line. And if you don't know about that, Lauren Michaels just always has like

beautiful, gorgeous young women that are just breaking hearts across New York City. Yeah. But also are related to the most powerful people you've ever heard of. That's so funny. Have you ever had one of that? Have you guys ever had it a relate off with like one of the, or she goes, actually my grandfather, Sirhan Sirhan. And you go, my grandfather might've dealt with him

in the past. You guys do like a. I put my hand, I put my fingers together. What? Actually. Do you remember Nicaragua in 86? Well, no, because my granddad now is like, even physically is like almost a representation

of the Republican party that he came from. Where it's like he's fallen down the stairs twice, his back's broken, you know what I mean? Like he's like, I look at him and I go, well, that's your whole party is that now. Like you're like a, the Magas would call you like a gay liberal. Yeah, cause you're like, oh, what are you a centrist?

You pussy? No, because you use a cane. That's so funny. Strong men walk strong. It'd be one of those alpha motivational videos. Your grandfather should do one of those wake up videos where he's got tape over his mouth. But it's actually an old man wake up video. It's just him screaming at the dark.

348 in the dart. I just saw this yesterday. 3 48 in the morning. Just saying the name of an old friend that died. Charles Charles. She's him in the room. And then it's this Jamaican nurse being like, who's in here? She hoists him off the bed. Dude, old people wake up videos. That has to be the new trend. The Jamaican nurse throws ice onto them. Yeah, that's what it is. Stop it, you're wintering the sheets again. It's four more minutes of screaming.

Now I got to clean up your whole bed because you're pissed everywhere. He's like, huh. And it's like 3.52, him finally calming down. You hear the diaper. It's ASMR. You hear the diaper getting ripped off. That's her voice over. A lot of the times in this situation, I like to powder his butt. That way it is no diaper rash. Oh my gosh. That's so funny. Oh my God. Old people, generic, geriatric wake up videos. Yeah.

It's so funny. It's biohacking for people who are already dead. Ah! Ah! One more day alive. Ah, my friend! Oh my God. I lost him in the Korean War.

And you go, oh fuck. So first off, Andy told me the funniest story about your grandpa. Oh God. Andy Haynes, her husband, who's been on the show me the funniest story about your grandpa. Oh God. Andy Haynes, her husband, who's been on the show, was hanging out with your grandpa and your grandpa pointed out like something and he goes, YA gave me that.

And then he looks at Andy like a test and he goes, you know who that is? And Andy goes, Yassif Arafat? Yassif Arafat, and he goes, good job. Yeah, no, he got really proud of it. Yeah, so Andy was like, I fuck, I was like, Andy was like, fuck yes. It was a big win for Andy.

I love that. I love a big win for Andy, I love Andy. He was like, he's invited back to the house without me next time, you know what I mean? That's what I told Andy. I go, get Rosebud away from him and ask stories. Cause you have limited time. Your grandpa's old.

Yeah, and he's not gonna tell me the stories. No, because you're his sweet little angel. You're his little sweet granddaughter. It's odd though, because, I don't know if I should even share that. Okay, whatever. We can edit it out if you want. No, so like, yeah, I'm like his sweet little angel,

but I've heard these random stories over the last like two years, where like, I remember like a sweet little angel, but I've heard these random stories over the last two years where like, I remember when I got tits, I came around the house and we were having a family reunion and everybody was very concerned if I was fucking yet. And they were asking my parents if I was like. That's, that's. Which is such an odd thing to.

It's a form of love that I've never experienced. Yeah. Which is truly like fiefdom. Like where they're kind of like... Who sired her. Yes, exactly. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Has she been deflowered? Yes. And you're like, I don't know, it's the 90s. Yeah. It's like the early 2000s. My mom was so creeped out by it. And then I remember like having Minnow and going to the place to like introduce her.

And the first question was like, are you nursing? And I was like, don't say nursing. Yeah, but they're from a different time. That's why I was saying like, Andy's gotta get, cause we don't respect our elders anymore in this country. We almost like mistreat them at a crazy rate, but there are things that they say where you go like, this is very interesting.

Like, tell me, cause we're gonna see shit like, when you're a grandmother, your grandkids gonna come to you and be like, you lived before the internet. Right. And you're like, yeah. My kid's gonna be saying that cause I'm fucking so old. You're gonna be like, me mom? You're like, I'm your mom. She's like, me ma? And you're like, I'm your mom.

She's like, me ma? And you're like, I'm your mom. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, there is, there's like a lot of the stuff we're like missing because we're like, shut the fuck up grandma. Yeah, no, I think honestly just to, they're all kind of autistic in a way

because they'll just ask you the question, like straight out to see somebody with a baby and immediately go, are you breastfeeding? Yeah, tit to mouth. Yeah. Excuse me, grandpa. Just the fuck out of you. Yeah. I mean, I just lied. Yeah. I told him that I was, even though I never did a day in my life. That's so funny. And I never planned to. You go, oh, yes, sir. Yeah, it's a beautiful experience. Yeah, it's really rebonding. But you see it even with our parents, they say shit. Because like our parents, you know, were alive for civil rights, for Vietnam. You would think that they're pretty progressive.

But Katie and I were visiting my mom for Christmas and we were watching the Beyonce half time show of the Texans game. And my mom goes, I don't see one white dancer. And you go, what's up? And then she had like fat girl dancers. My mom goes, a lot of big girls dancing. You're like, all right lady.

And you're like, my mom's really liberal. She's not even saying anything bad. She's legit. She's just addressing something she's seeing that's odd to her. It's historical autism. It's just like, if you're old enough, cause now everyone can diagnose

to get out of being an asshole. They were just assholes. They were just like, I'm just gonna say some asshole shit and then I'll not get corrected. Yeah. So I feel like you have a limited time with your grandpa to get like,

and he's interesting. He's crazy interesting. Yeah, I think Andy's the only one who would actually, because he's always been my granddad, I'm not that interested. Sure. But I think if Andy sat down with him, Andy could tell me shit that would make me go,

oh, that is interesting. I never even thought to ask him that. Also, Andy has ski bum energy, which is the very like, the sun, the sun can fucking burn you. Yeah, yeah. They have like that, like, it's almost surfer energy, where he's like, what was it like in Central

America? Oh, yeah, he has so many questions. Yeah. And they but not in a way of like, that would make your grandfather feel threatened like a journalist. No, like, what made you take down Nick? Oh, like, no, Andy would be like, Oh, were you like mad when they did that? Well, son, I could get upset. You know, like, Andy's the perfect conduit to get the info out of. Cause he'll be like, whoa.

Like the way he reacts. And your grandpa's not gonna be like, what are you spilling this to the media? He's just gonna be like, well son, that's how shit works. Andy's the only guy who quit smoking weed and got more curious. Yeah. You know, like he's like more curious about the weed.

Like set him off and then he was like, I'm gonna ask all the questions. I'm gonna ask every question that comes into my brain. Yeah. You know, like, yeah, like more curious, like set him off. And then he was like, I'm going to ask all the questions. Every question that comes into my brain. Yeah. Whenever it comes into my brain, because of your grandfather, have you ever met like a Bush? Yeah. W both, both of them. Yeah. Cause my uncle worked for W really? Yeah. He's got a nickname. That's how you know if that's how you know W knows you. Yeah. If W gives you a nickname. Absolutely. Calls my uncle MCAT. MCAT? Hey MCAT. What? Yeah, Mark McKinnon. Shut up! Yeah, that's my uncle. Oh my god. Yeah. Okay, all right. So I don't know if I've met your uncle. People in politics know each other, especially the Republican Party. For sure. Very small, but yeah. Yeah,

he's uncle by marriage. Yeah marriage and he's the man. That's so funny. Great show on Showtime called The Circus that he did. That's such a fucking, that's such a W nickname too. Every nickname that he gives is like, it sounds like a machine, like a type of machine. That's so funny. You know what I mean? Yeah, he goes, this guy's plowser.

And you go, plowser? And he goes, it's a mixowser. And you go, plowser? And he goes, it's a mix of a dozer and a plow. And you go, sure. He is like, it's so funny because everyone hates Trump so much right now. But if you remember like in 04, how much everyone hated Bush, and now you look back to him and you're like, oh, he's

just like a fun party boy. Oh, yeah. He's like, I don't know, man. Fux it, home. Sweet little clown. Yeah. Did you ever meet Chaney? I don't remember meeting Chaney. No, I mean, I was probably in a room with him. I've asked my uncle many, many times, like what's Chaney like? And he was like, dude, I worked both 2000, 2004 campaign. He worked on the campaigns. He didn't work in the administration. Yeah. But

he was like, I met Chaney eight times. Yeah. He said the energy in the room would change when he would come in, like in an evil way. Like he was like, it was creepy. It was a dark cloud. Yeah, he's coming back. Yeah, all of a sudden the wind blows through the room. Just crows are outside. You're gonna get to chill. And he's like.

And that's why it was funny watching liberals with Kamala be like. With Liz? Liz Cheney is a hero. And you're like, you forget her father's like one of the most evil motherfuckers of all time. So crazy. But it's true. It's like, if you can make Liz Cheney look like a fucking hero, you have, you've, you've

upped the game. Yeah, dude, the game is changed. That's what makes you, and honestly, that's probably gotta be a part of getting old, is you watch shit change in a way that you're like, well, I didn't see it going that way. No, and it's starting to happen to all of us, like all of our friends where- You're a mom, I'm in my 40s,

and we're doing the aunt and uncle thing, so we're not having kids, but it changes in a way where you go like, oh, I'm old. Like, I see stuff, I was trying to do this as a joke, and it didn't work where you go like, oh, I'm old. Like I see stuff, I was trying to do this as a joke and it didn't work where you like start realizing conservative viewpoints. You're in college, you're like,

everyone should have healthcare, everyone should be taken care of, everyone's mean. And then you get in your forties and you go, I just don't think eight year olds should be cutting their dicks off. And they're like, what are you a Republican? You're like, is that bad? It's like, I genuinely thought I was being like caring

and being like, well, then you give it time and think about it and maybe then, and they're like, you bigot, and you're like, what's happening? Like I didn't know. I was genuinely thinking it was like a rational idea. I was trying to be nice. Why are you so mad at me?

It's a lady in blue hair being like, you fucking bigot. And you're like, I didn't know. I'm trying. Yeah, it's crazy. No, it really is an insane thing to kind of look around and realize. And you start to hear references and you sort of nod along to them

and you have no idea what anybody's talking about. You know what the one that got me where I was like, fucking hang it up, dude. Hang it up was skibibi. Skibidi toilet. Skibidi toilet. I was like, fucking hang it up, dude. Hang it up with skibby, skibby. Skibbity toilet. Skibbity toilet. I was like, put a gun in my mouth. I have no idea what that means.

But here's the thing, my whole life. Have you seen the video? No. Okay, well I'm gonna show you the video. Okay, for context. Because skibbity, because you need to see it, because if you haven't, if you're confused having just heard it, you're gonna be so much more confused by seeing what it is.

No, it's gonna make you feel so much worse. Because that's the thing I would say to the young listeners right now is, there will be a moment, a watershed moment where you go, I'm too old to even understand the reference yeah no but even if you do understand the reference you're gonna be this is what makes you go oh it's it really is oh yes weird as fuck but it makes my stomach hurt let me tell you what it is that it makes me, because we grew up with the internet,

I think we have, especially our generation, like older millennials, we have a more like a understanding of we allow weird shit to come in. Right. Where we go, okay, this is weird. Right. Once I've established that. But also like, so was Salad Fingers.

Yes. You know, yeah. But all the stuff that ever came out on the internet, you'd have to like take time to go like, I don't get it, but I'll watch it again. And then I'll have a like a better understanding of it. Right. I still don't get it, but I kind of understand that like, all right, this is a weird, I thought it was like, slang. That's what I was upset about. I thought it was like cool slang. I think it is. It's both. It It's far I'm fucking cooked. It's both slang and it's slang that comes from this video. But it's this video gives me like the same feeling

as like watching those two brothers fuck in white lotus where I'm like, I'm ill. Yeah. This makes me ill. This upsets me and I'm hurt. This upsets me on a level that I'm like, did something happen to me? Yeah. Do you know what'm ill. Yeah. This makes me ill. This upsets me and I'm hurt. This upsets me on a level that I'm like, did something happen to me?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I am trying to hold on to not feeling completely detached because it is also really, also the thing about young people, and I remember being this way in my twenties is you want old people to go away.

You want to be like, you don't fucking get it. You're in your 40s. You don't get it. Now you're in your 40s and you go, I'm fucking trying. I'm gonna fucking try. Holding onto it. But I think we should all just sort of embrace it and sort of fall into, um, just like disappear. Yeah. You know, well do you think your daughter's eye is doing that fucking tw- you know, when your eye, it happens to me all the time, when you shut and you can feel it gone.

Yeah. You know what they say? I've read sometimes is that, uh, from potassium lack of calcium. So I had calcium last night. I ate the little gummies. You did? Yeah. Whatever. I don't know. We're talking about getting old and I'm like, my eye won't stop twitching. Now those, and now those elderly wake up videos are starting to make more sense. Yeah. We're like, this is my vitamin for my bones. Yeah. It's instead of tape, it's just your nephew

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that I'm like, why am I worrying about this? It could completely. That's what I mean. That's what I mean with like history changes. Like we think like, oh, they'll be on Twitter in 20 years. And you're like, oh, then you see like how Elon's collapsed Twitter. And you're like, oh, then you see like how Elon's collapsed Twitter. And you're like, oh, Twitter might not even,

I had a joke where I was like, oh, bringing up old tweets. And then even that I'm like, well, I can't even reference. Now I have to say like posts online. Cause the shit might be gone in two years. But I also feel like your generation, your daughter's generation might just be like, well, yeah, it was damaging and you guys didn't see

how damaging it was so we had to stop doing that. Right. Because kids now get flip phones where they can download music. Right. And that's all they want. And I'm kind of like, that's probably a better way to go.

That's fucking badass. Yeah. I hope to God that that's what happens. Cause I'm like, you know, there's all this like, there's like books about how like, screen time is gonna fuck your kid up and it's like all this shit. But then you're like trying to change a diaper and they're walking and you're like, there's like books about how like screen time is gonna fuck your kid up and it's like all this shit.

But then you're like trying to change a diaper and they're walking and you're like, I'm gonna get shit on the carpet if I don't put a fucking screen on. Does she, do you guys like restaurant, if she's Miss Manny? Let me tell you something. She, we had to go to the hospital, she's fine.

We had to go to the hospital a few weeks ago. She had a UTI from, you know, being a whore. And she's being a huge whore. She had a UTI from, you know, being a whore and an absolute huge city slot. You're gonna be in Phoenix house by the time she's a bad person. And we had to we go to the hospital and she had to get a catheter. And I was like, girl, Ben there, how the fuck do I do this? And I was like, Miss Rachel, basically, it's been there. How the fuck do I do this? And I was like, Miss Rachel, it's basically,

it's basically anesthesia. I mean, I've watched with our niece, you know, Thanksgiving, we stay in like an Airbnb or whatever. And I've watched when she's like, she's like starting to talk and walk now and they'll hit that bluey theme in bluey and they'll be, and she'll just be like, if you can like, if you can give a child,

like if you can catheterize a child while watching something, it can't be good for them. That's how I... As someone that's been had a catheter, it is one of the worst experiences. Cause they just, they're literally putting a tube up your pee hole. And if I was like young enough that I could just watch

like WWF and be like, and they're like, it's in. You're like, Oh, is it? I was watching the cage man. They push on your stomach for the piss. Which by the way, no one tells you this with a catheter. You get none of the joy of peeing. No, you don't. Cause it's through a tube. So you don't actually, your nerves don't feel the release. Yeah. No, they gave me one after a C-section. Oh, fuck. I didn't realize they, yeah. And even the way they push on your stomach to make the piss go.

Yeah, but I was kinda like, I can't really, I still had like fucking fentanyl in my system or something. I didn't know what I was on, but I couldn't, they give you- Fentanyl's all right. You can't feel anything. You can't feel anything. Yeah, you're more pro-po-phal? I just got a, I got the, I got fucking spit roasted by my doctor.

I got the colonoscopy and the endoscopy and boy, oh boy. Andy came home from that. I came home. I woke up, Katie, picked me up and I was like, kiss me on both cheeks. My little Bambina. Andy doesn't get that treatment anymore. I was like, you're on propofol. Make it, make your way home by yourself. Get fucking home. I was like, get a doctor to do their job and walk you out. Let me ask you a disgusting modern era parent question.

Yeah, go for it. Do you have your daughter's handles on like Instagram? Did you go reserve it? Or handles? Like at? No. Full name? No.

Gotta go get it, dude. I was like, I'm not doing that. I can't do it for her. I don't want her on there. Go get her a Gmail. I'm not gonna like let her on it get her at least an email Get her the gene. I'll get her an email. Yeah, good Gmail. Yeah, I'll do that also But also we're in it on fucking minnow. I'm like, I think she's fine Yeah But what would be great is if you have it and then you can stop her from getting online cuz she's like I went to

Sign up on Instagram and I can't get my own name. And if you have it and you go, well, let's make a little agreement. I'll give you the name, but I'm gonna monitor how much you're on it. Cause that's, kids are all gonna be about branding in like 20 years. I mean, I don't know how I'm gonna pull this off.

I haven't really thought through it, but I was like, literally like, I'm just gonna say no. I'm just gonna be like, you absolutely can't have social media. But can I, devil's advocate, you're gonna push her towards it. That's what everybody's saying, but I'm just gonna be like you absolutely can't have social media, but can I devil's advocate? Yeah, you're gonna push her towards it That's what that's what everybody's saying, but I'm like my mom told me not to smoke cigarettes My favorite thing in the world smoking cigarettes. Yeah still is I've quit for 12 years But I feel like if I I'm gonna find a way to do it

I'm gonna find a way to like either scare her away from it. I'm gonna be like you can do it Yeah, but it does it tricks your brain. Yes, that is a good way of saying it and you you can do it, but it tricks your brain. Yes, that is a good way of saying it. And you can do it, but it's gonna trick your brain into thinking you need it. Get her handles, and then you'll have something over her. Leverage. If your grandfather taught you anything, leverage. You use leverage against your enemies.

That wasn't, there was no negotiating in my family. There was no leverage. It was like, you're not doing it. We just do. You're not fucking doing it. You're from Texas. No, I'm from DC. Oh yeah, why did I think-

My family's all from Texas. Is that a clash of cultures? It's so insane because Texans are like, they're lunatics. Like my granddad showed up to put Texas soil under the hospital bed when I was born. No way. To make it that you were born. To make it that I was born on Texas soil.

Like that's how crazy they are. Yeah. Did all your siblings get the dirt treatment? No, you know, there was too many of them, but like that's- Are you the oldest? Yeah. So you were the first one. Mm-hmm.

So he brought a box of dirt. A box of dirt from Texas, put it under the hospital bed. Well, now she could be born on Texas soil. Texas soil, yeah. That's wild. Yeah, so it was like, I'm from DC. We're in Washington, DC. Yeah.

And he's like, here we go. It was really. When you were little and you guys would go down there, that's gotta be fun though, cause you're like, look how different shit is here. I loved Texas. Yeah. I loved it.

There was like a period of time where I was like faking an accent. You know what I mean? I was like pretending I was from there. Nothing's better than faking an accent. You know, I would go to summer camp. I'd come back. I'd be like, I'm different now.

That's so funny. How long did you hold the fake accent for? I would hold it for months. I would hold it for months. I was really into it. I was like, because I would go to Texas. I was like, my whole family's from here. I spend a month here every summer.

I'm basically from Texas, you know? That's so funny. By the way, don't feel bad. I would do that with San Francisco. I would go visit my dad in San Francisco. And San Francisco in the 90s was like the coolest city in the world, especially when you live in fucking Denver. Denver's cool now. But Denver in the 90s was like the coolest city in the world. Especially when you live in fucking Denver. Denver's cool now, but Denver in the 90s was like,

it was just like a boring cow town. So I'd come back from San Francisco and be like, yeah, it's a little, this is how they do things in the Bay area. And I'd be like, oh, what's up, Mork? And like, trying to target San Francisco Island and be like, what the fuck are you talking about? You're from Aurora.

Northern Virginia, they don't have an accent. Nothing fucking, nothing goes on in Northern Virginia people like move there for a couple years then they move out their parents are working at the White House or whatever and then they fucking leave so I would just be like it's fun to be you know when you're a kid you do dumb shit too you're like I'm just gonna be this person this year. Yeah this is this is my identity for the year yeah I saw that in real time as an adult I might have told the story on the podcast if I have we can edit it out

But when I worked at those Caminos, mm-hmm, I was a waiter There was a hostess that started and she had a British accent. Mm-hmm. She was a black woman with a British accent Mm-hmm. Great or whatever hot Yeah Not that attractive hot. Yeah, she was, she was, you know, she was not that attractive, but she, but she was like, she's like, Oh, lovely. Oh, like, but that's all I knew of her was like getting the menus, you know, if I did lunches. So I would like walk the table a lot of times and she'd be like, Oh, thank you, Dan. Oh, that's going to

like 311. And then this girl Rose who has friends with from East London Started working at the restaurant turns out Black girl didn't have a real British accent and they had the moment where she was like, oh you're from London Where are you from in London from East London and the girl goes? Oh, I'm like American accent Oh, my boyfriend is from London and it just like rubs off off in that moment I was like, oh, there's like me and two other waiters waiting to see it. Little Valeria Baldwin. Yes, that's exactly it.

It's like, oh, you're saying, you're like, shut the fuck up. That's great. I love that. But that moment, dude, it went like, you know how waiters gossip? Yeah. They're like, how's it going? They talk crazy shit. It was like when Rose started.

That's the whole appeal of the job. Yes. It's just you ask how much money, you ask the most inappropriate questions. When you're a waiter, when you see a waiter in the morning, you go, how much did you make last night? Who did you fuck? How drunk did you get?

Those are like the three questions. We go, what'd you walk with? You're like, 200? It's pretty good. Did you hook up with the bar man? And then they're like, yeah. And you go, where were you guys? Was you guys at Fuzzy's? It's always like a bar where you're like- Was our boss doing with the bar back? And then they're like, yeah. And you go, where were you guys? Was you guys like fuzzies?

It's always like a bar where you're like. Was our boss doing coke in the back? Did you see that? People keep messaging me that they want a podcast about like waiters because of all that shit. And I would love to, but it's so inside baseball. But waiters. Also nobody's gonna talk about their job

that they currently have publicly. Yes. I mean, if that was the case, we would be shitting on so many comics. Yeah. what he's gonna talk about their job that they currently have publicly. Yes, yes. I mean, if that was the case, we would be shitting on so many comics. Yeah. That, I mean, I kinda wanna just put up a Patreon. It's like the whole reason I avoided the writer's documentary on Peacock.

I was like, no, I would like to keep this job. Yeah, I would love to start a Patreon called Declassified. Right. And it's just all the clips of my podcast with the names left in, unredacted, where they go, what the hell, this sucks. I would love that. Every comic would watch it.

That would be the only podcast comics would actually listen to. They go, dude, you're through the roof, but only with comics. Everyone's listening. But waiters, when you wait tables, you just ask the most inappropriate questions. Because you're all put in an environment

where it's like max stress for like two hours and then boring again. So it's like boring prep, crazy shit, back to zero. But even once you leave that like crazy period of time, you're all sort of dissociative. Yes. You're all just like, get me fucked up. Yes, it's like a flashbang went off and you're like trying to get back.

And then you go to the bar nearest your restaurant where they hook you up with like $2 Bud Lights. You walk in there just searching for the curb after the bar rec, you're like, give me something. There's just blood coming down my ear and I'm like, is Eric here? I'm just asking for my friends. Dude, one of the greatest moments of my life was,

and I definitely told the story on the bonfire, but because Christine, Jay's girlfriend, and our producer, you know, producer of the bonfire, she's still there, I'm not, I don't know what I was gonna say for her. She worked with me at Dos Caminos. Did she? Yeah, she waited tables. That's how I met her at first. Oh shit. Before she worked at the comedy club, I worked with Christine at Dos Caminos. Did she? Yeah, she waited tables. That's how I met her first.

Oh shit. Before she worked at the comedy club, I worked with Christine at Dos Caminos. She was like a server. How, what year was this? Oh, eight, oh nine. Oh, wait, okay. So I was like doing standup.

I had already done like Comedy Central Live at Gotham, but I was like doing lunches and she like worked and she was like, oh, they told me you're a comedian. She's like, I used to work at a comedy club in LA was right when she moved to New York Oh, she then she started working at stand-up New York She got out of dose and started working at stand-up and that's how I knew and then you know years later started dating Jay And then became producer of our radio show. So it's oh my god I love hearing origin stories of like it's pretty crazy that we people that even if it was like I came in a few years

Later I came in I would start I would say it started legitimately started in 2013. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but it's nuts when you see people and you're like, oh yeah, I knew her way before that. Yeah. Fuck, I forgot the story I was gonna tell her about. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, no, that's not your fault.

That's my fucking pothead brain. You go in, your ear's bleeding. Oh, when you go talk shit, when you go, oh, I had a table. The big money for me was around Christmas because we worked or it was on 50th and third. Yeah. So it was around all these like Lehman Brothers Black Rock when the oh wait collapse happened.

I made the most money I've ever made waiting tables. Yeah. During the day. Because everyone took their corporate account came to Dos Caminos got blacked out on the patio and I was the waiter. So I walked with over $300 for a lunch, which is insane. Amazing. But one time I had a table,

it was like nine Wall Street bros. Fuck me on the tip. Like fuck me. Like I wanna say 10% on like a $480 bill, leaving 50 bucks on like a $500 bill. And you're like, you fucking monsters. So that'll make you mad, your whole shift. That'll ruin your whole shift.

Cause you're like, I could have made a hundred and then that would have been all my tip out. And then I would have kept everything. Waiters know what I'm talking about. But you're like, I can't even fucking. So I have a bad shift, get changed downstairs in the locker room, go around the corner to the bar.

We used to drink at this place called CB6, which it's on 50th, 51st and second. We used to get fucking blackout. They would lock the door and we could smoke inside. Fucking ruled. And that group- You just made me realize what sucks so much about waiting tables, which I'm sorry to cut you off.

But it literally is like, if you, if you went to Vegas to gamble, but you had to like run around and work the whole time, the whole time you had to bring people food and drinks and you were nonstop the whole time. And also people don't, I know I like the internet exercise gambling or something. It's exactly where you're almost doing like a course, like an obstacle course. And then you're like, no money. Cool. Cool. It's exactly it. Where you're almost doing like a course, like an obstacle course. Yeah. And then you're like, no money? Cool. Cool.

Oh, they're European? Fan fucking fantastic. Awesome. Oh, cool. I get pennies. Like, dude, and I know everyone's like racist and they say black people don't tip. That's not true.

Indian people don't tip. Indian people, they just do not tip. Yeah. Call me whatever the fuck name you want to. Brother, I've been on the front line. I've seen it. I've seen it. And like this, dude, there was this,

I used to work with this, like, cause I'm coming from Arizona. I'm coming from Colorado and Arizona, moving to New York city and waiting tables. That's like a baptism by fire of learning about the people of New York city. There was a gay waiter named Efren who I loved. He was such a bitch.

He was so mean to everybody. One time he walked up to me, he goes, you're pretty cute for a white boy. And then walked away and I was like, thank you Efren. Genuinely was like, thank you. But he would be like, you know, pre-shift to have to sell back the dishes. He was like so gay the way he'd sell it back. He'd go like, these you know pre shift to have to sell back the dishes? Yeah, he was like, so gay. The way he'd sell it back.

He go like, these are mushroom empanadas. It's like, do the thing and they go, thank you. Sit down. I'd get high before pre shift and think that was the funniest stuff. You go, these are plantain empanadas. It's plantain masa filled with a little bit of mushrooms and chipotle. oh, thank you. And sit down. And like managers, they're just like grown waiters. So they still have the like, Afrin, but he was the first one that was like,

you have an Indian side bowl, they're not going to Zipio. And I was like, that's mean. They're gonna, and then you went and you're like, motherfucker, you're like, you read the bill and you're like, you were right. Afrin was right, god damn it. But these Wall Street bros, that's what I waited on a lot, was a lot of Wall Street bros, and they were dicks.

They were like, wouldn't look at you. They were like- Is it like stand up where it's like they see themselves in you and they won't laugh? No, it's that you are below them. It is that, which that's sometimes how they look at you in stand up. They go like, go clown.

Yeah. But clown. Yeah. But worse. Yeah. They're like, what bro? Dude, I didn't get Montreal in 2010, but I got like, I thought I was gonna get it. Like I thought I was gonna get so much that they called me and I missed the call and I went and got blackout drunk

the night before, because my buddy was like, they've never called you, you got it. Yeah. And then in between shifts at DOS, they called me and they were like, you're not going. And I was like, shit. And all I thought was like, I have to wait tables another year.

Oh God. My first table didn't, you have to, you know, it's called the first approach where you go up and you go like, hey guys, can I get you something to drink? They didn't look at me and I almost cried. Like, it was like four bros and I was like, hey guys, can I get you guys something to drink? And they were like, I don't know.

And I was like. Oh my God. But, so I hated the Wall Street bros. That's why when I got to be on Billions, I was like, I know how to play this role, like a dickhead. Yeah. Just stick it to all those fuckers that never tipped me. So this group fucks me.

They tip me like 10%. I close out. I like on the day that you found out that you didn't get Montreal. No, no, this is a different time. This was way out of pocket on my end. Way out of pocket on my end. I got my own out of pocket stories. Great.

Yeah. And so I change. You know, I talked to my friend, Lowe's. I talked to my friend, Eli. I'm like, we're going to CB six. Let's go to CB six. The bartenders there knew all of us. Give us beers. One time the bartender put a bottle of Jameson in a shot glass in front of me. And she was like, give me what you think you owe me at the end of the night. Right? Like that kind of lacks environment. Right? I go there, I'm drinking. I'm like with one of my buddies and I'm drinking, we're waiting for everyone to come after they close out. And I look across the bar. It was like a pretty popular bar. And that fucking group of 10 guys is there.

Yeah. And I'm like, mother fucker. And then I see the guy that I gave the bill to and he looks at me and I just start flipping them off. And the guy, you see the guy across the bar like, and I was like, fuck you. Like to him, I'm like, fuck you. And then he goes, what?

And I'm like, I'm getting drunk. So I'm starting to get fucking, I'm starting to get pretty animated. And the guy's like, what's up dude? And he's with girl, they're like hitting on girls. And I go, don't fuck him, he didn't tip me. And the girl like looks over and the guy goes, you are our waiter.

He goes, what's up bro? Like that and I go, no, fuck you. And the guy was like, oh. And then the girl was like, what? And I go, he didn't tip, he doesn't tip his waiters. And you saw her go like, oh. And then it got into a thing where like a couple of the other guys in the group. You're the hero of that story. Then they came around saw her go like, Oh, and then it got into a thing where that a couple

of the other guys, you're the hero of that story. Yeah. But then they came around and I was like, you think I don't want the smoke. Oh, we could go outside right now. They fight. No, they were like came over and then my buddy who I was with was like, Hey, they'll easily go back to the restaurant and be like one of your waiters fought me because I didn't dip them. So they called it down and I was like, but I was still like, I didn't stop being like, fuck, I had to go outside. I went outside and smoked and they calmed me down.

But I was like, dude, I wanted to fight. I wanted to fight all 10 of them. And then they're trying to get pussy and I'm like, don't fuck him, do not fuck him. God, I hated that fucking guy. But that's the thing, it makes you go into a dark like lizard part of your brain. Like I've waited tables for, it was like a year, I think.

Maybe a year, maybe a year and a half. That's enough, that's enough to get a taste. But it was like, I mean, I had before that, but when I was, I'm talking New York City. New York City waiting tables, yes. I waited tables at Don Giovanni in New York City, which is like the fucking pizzeria that's in Times Square to this day.

Yeah. Okay. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, there's two different locations. You might as well have worked at fucking Bubblegum Shrimp. Right, so it was like there, and then also there was another location, like around 20, it was Chelsea.

Yeah. So- Oh, I know exactly, because there was a dose in Chelsea. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. So I worked there. It was the only place that I could ever wait tables

where I could keep a job, because everyone that works there is out of their mind. Like out of their mind, bad at their job, just horrible. But that's Times Square service. Yeah, so. If you can work in Times Square, part of your brain is dead. Yes.

So, cause you can just take, you can like, you put yourself, if you work at Margaritaville, If you can eat in Times Square, part of your brain is dead. It's wild. So I would, I remember I came from, and what you're saying like baptism by fire, in terms of like wherever you come from, you're gonna, like New York City's gonna

teach you a fucking lesson. The city goes, come here. Right. It goes like, come here. Have a seat. And then you go like, what the fuck? And there you go. Yeah, and you're gonna get piss thrown on you

in the first six months, and you go, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I remember trying to throw a group of, Yeah, and you're gonna get pissed thrown on you in the first six months. And you go, she's right. Right. I remember trying to throw a group of throw my own table out of the restaurant because I would drink on the job, you know, because Don Giovanni, there's like a big bucket of fucking what is it that the wine? Carlo Rossi. Oh my God. So I would take the sangria and I would just put it in a fucking paper cup

and I'd start the shift off and I was getting to the end of my drinking where you know like it's like well it's gonna be one or it's gonna be 17. Yes. Well one leads to 17. If you go if I have one. At the end of my drinking if I had one sometimes I would black out and sometimes I wouldn't black out if I had 17. It became like Russian roulette. And by the end of my drinking, once I had one, blackout was the goal. It was just like, if I drank a beer, I'm gonna keep drinking beers, and then we're gonna start doing shots, and then I'll wake up. Yeah, that's where I started.

That's like where my drinking started. I was like, okay, there's no other point to this besides forgetting everything. Go to the finish line. Yes, but by the end, it stopped working like that. I could have two, and I would be like, I just didn't remember the whole fucking day. So like it was, I, you know,

it was one of those days I started to shift off. I had like two sangrias and, you know. By the way, waiting tables drunk. Awesome. It is fun. Awesome. It's very fun. So I got, you know,

I think I walked up to some table and they didn't look at me Yeah, it was like a big I was like fuck these motherfuckers. Did you feel so slighted? Yeah, and then they they complained They said something they complained to me and I was like, you know what get the fuck out and I was like get the fuck out I was like, you're not gonna look at me and now you're gonna fucking complain like get the fuck out and literally the Manager walks over and goes hey hey you can't do that. He goes you're a fucking server. That's so funny. I was like get the fuck. That's right. And then you go back to him and go like did you guys take a look at the specials? Fuck you. I was like you're right okay. One of the worst feelings I had as a waiter was,

there was this, you know, the turnover is like insane. And there was this really mousy, cute girl. I forget what her name was. But she was like, her energy was very like, hey, guys. Like, very like sweet. And you know, start of a dinner shift, I would do dinner shifts when I needed money and I would always close lunch.

So I would close out and then I'd need my break. So the dinner shift would start. So sometimes waiters would start my tables in my section and then I would hop back on and, you know, come up. It's like four businessmen and I come up and the girl's like, you have such a good table. They're all drinking Patron, four margaritas. They got a double guacamole.

They want apps and entrees. So you're like, oh, this is going to be a $350 bill. Yeah. Four top. This is fucking great. What a great way to start my shift off. And I walk up to the table and they go, who is this? And I go, I'm your waiter.

And they go, no, I forget what her name is. They go, we want Emily. And I go, fuck. And waiter. And they go, no, I forgot what her name is. They go, we want Emily. And I go, fuck. And she was just like at the server bar and I went up and I go, just don't transfer the table. And she was like, what? And I go, they're not gonna tip me. They're mad that I'm like taking away their hot server.

I would've come back with lipstick on. I go, like Bugs Bunny, hello boys. And they're like, nah. I think, who Bugs Bunny, hello boys. I go, nah. I go, who's this sexy lady? I go, ah. I go, Emily's back. She's just me. That's the only time. I go, Soder, what are you doing?

I'm putting napkins in my fucking button down. I'm trying to look like I have big tits. Yeah, dude, it was one of those situations where the greatest day of my life was being able to quit working there. It was being like, I'm done. I got a job and I got to go to my general manager and be like, two weeks, I'm out.

And it was right during the Christmas season where he's like, can you work an extra week? And you're like, no. I've never had a waiting tables job where I gave them my two weeks. I've never had a job that actually really, I don't know if I've kept a job where I ever gave someone two weeks except for nannying. Nannying.

Nannying I would, I gave them two weeks because I was like, these people need me more than I need them. Well, how bummed were the kids? Pretty bummed, you know, but like. Even if you have, I assume if you, I never had a nanny, but I would assume if you have a nanny, you grow close to them.

You do, yeah. So it's like one of those things where, but as the nanny, they're closer to you than you are. That's so fucking funny that there's a stripper element of it where he goes, no, this nanny loves me. And she goes, honey, this is just a shift. Yeah. I got some regulars over all.

I got dreams, okay. It's so funny. Yeah, it was really. I think this nanny like wants to be my mom. She's like, no. That's my job to make you believe that. I ain't good unless you believe that I wanna be your mom. It's so funny.

So when you, do you, like how long ago was this? Well, it made me realize how shitty of a nanny I was because I literally just told our nanny that I was like, we're gonna have to like cut back a little bit in the fall because she's going to start going to daycare like three days a week. And my nanny was like started crying.

And I was like, oh, I was, it made me realize what a bad job I, because she really is close to my baby. Yeah, but your daughter's adorable. Yeah, she is. Your daughter is like literally the perfect mix of you and Andy. She's really cute. Like I look at that face and you go, I see Rosebud and I see Andy. Yeah, yeah your daughter's adorable. Yeah, your daughter is like literally the perfect mix of you and Andy She's like I look at that face and you go I see Rosebud and I see So rare in a baby, yeah a lot of times you go, oh you got some weird parts of your mom

Yours I'm like perfect blend. Yeah. Yeah, she's not a jigsaw baby. Yeah, Joe list has a great baby Yeah, go one. Oh cute has a great baby. Yeah. He's so cute. You go, Marty, look at you. You're a perfect lady. And the fact that his name's Marty. What a great name. Just a great name for a baby. Yeah.

Santino and I had this recently on his podcast. We had this theory that names that are normal for our generation are like old names are coming back in with babies. Yeah. And then our names are going to be for dogs. Right. Later. Yeah.

Cause like we give old lady names to dogs now. Oh my god, you're so right. And I can't stop thinking about it. Beatrice. Yeah, my dog's name's Myrtle. Yeah. And you're like, what a perfect name. And it's like, it's going to suck when we're in our sixties

and there's dog named Ashley and Jennifer. And it'll all get, yeah, we get recycled. And they go, look at Ashley. And you go, I got a hand job from an Ashley. Yeah. But that's what, I wonder if that's what old people are thinking right now. They're like, I got sucked off by a Mary Lou.

And you go, oh fuck. Fuck. Oh fuck. I fucked a Michael in a hot tub. That's so funny. I blew a Michael at a drive in. And you go, oh fuck, what's a drive in? You're, you could, you have to drive your cars.

So when you told your nanny, she was upset. She was upset. She started tearing up. I was like, oh man, I, like it just, I kind of went, oh, I didn't know. I thought you just like, didn't really like love her that much. Like I thought that it was like something that you were

kind of faking a little bit because that's what I did. Was there any part of you that was like jealous when she started crying like kind of like how fucking close to you with my baby? No, no, no, no, I think I would get that way. I'd be like Do you think you're a better parent than oh if anything I kind of went like oh I did I nailed it with like I got A great fucking nanny. Yeah, but it did make me realize that I was bad at my job when I was nannying. Because now those kids go, where's Rosebud? She said she never wanted to talk to you again.

And then they go, well, I cut. Well, I cut my arms. No, I literally got a message from one of the kids that I nannied for, he's 17 now. He's like, hey, it'd be nice to see you, not on the internet. I was like, well, Jesus Christ. You're a man.

Stay away from me, man. Yeah, dude, my mom was a nanny and my mom still is in contact with like, well, Jesus Christ. You're a man. I was like, stay away from me, man. Yeah, dude, my mom was a nanny and my mom still is in contact with like her first family. I guess it means the most. Yeah. But like the daughter now is like, got a daughter of her own and grown up, but she'll come over and like cook with my mom.

Yeah. My mom's like, oh, I love seeing her. I feel like it's gonna come full circle where it's like, I'll eventually age out of. I feel like it's gonna come full circle where it's like I'll eventually age out of the entertainment industry and then I'll just be nannying for the kids that I nannied for and I'll just be like an old nanny.

Yeah, and then you go, you know. They can't get rid of because it's like I have health problems and they're sort of trapped. That's so funny. You know what I mean? Warren Michaels is still alive. He's like, I need you to come in

and you're gonna be nannying. Here's my wake up routine. Five a.m. Right. Scream into the darkness. You know, everybody says they go, they go, oh, you don't, you want to get a young nanny because your husband might fuck like, or you want to get an old nanny because your husband might fuck a young nanny.

I'm like, you never want to get an old nanny and old nanny. You will be trapped. You just, you're just getting another baby. Yeah. You're, you're trying to get it again. I took a boom boom in my pants. Changing both of them. Or they start to slowly lose their mind.

They start to get dementia. It's good if she drinks fluid from under the sink. You have to hire a real nanny on top of the nanny that you're just taking care of. I got my nanny and then I got my nanny watcher. Yeah. And then I got, when you, so back to you telling Lauren Michaels, cause I know this, that's

what this podcast is. Should have called it the divergent. Cause he's just like, you just fucking go off on a roll. So when you, who told you, who told you, you had to tell Lauren? I'm fascinated with the way SNL works. Cause it works like the mafia. Yeah, it does. Where Lauren's the, he's the Don and all of his hot little under bosses.

So I had to, I told one of the head writers and I was like- Brian Tucker? No, no, no, no. He's a supervising writer. All right, I love Tucker. Which is under the head writers. Tucker's one of the funniest people I've ever

gotten to write with or work with. Yeah, we wrote a cartoon together for Comedy Central in 2014, and it was like, I got to work with him for a year, and I was like, this guy is- He's so good. Yeah. One of my favorite sketches I wrote

that never got picked with Tucker was like a guy, was like a cool guy that shows up at a bar and all of his friends are fucking jealous of him, and then slowly his stories get like sadder and sadder and sadder until he's just like, he's talking about jumping out of a plane and he's like, what if I just didn't pull the fucking shoe? You know? And everybody's like, Tucker's dark. He's dark. And it's really fun. Yeah. Brian Tucker,

by the way, if you look them up, Chris Rock show, Chappelle show guy, fucking, guys, the man is awesome. And hilariously, the whitest guy from North Carolina that can write for black people better than any other white person. Yes, yeah. Like any classic black sketch, what's up with that? He wrote like all this stuff that you're like, a white guy wrote that?

You're like, the whitest guy. Yeah, I think black Jeopardy. Yep. But yeah, so he, oh so. So they tell you. So I asked, I think it was Street, I think it was Streeter. Anyway, I asked one of the head writers and I was like, what do I do?

And they were like, well, you should tell Lorne. Yeah. And I was like, did that scare you? I was like, that felt like hazing. I was like, that can't be right. That can't be right. And I was like, I don't know about that. That feels a little familiar.

You know what I mean? I've never had a conversation with the man. I pop into his office, I go, I'm pregnant. You know, it's like the next thing out of my mouth is going to be like, it's yours! So I just... Early sailors use condoms. That's like his thing. Prophylactics take a lot away from the feeling. I'm glad to know your husband... Nobody likes it that way. I'm glad to know your husband's pounding you raw. Yeah. And then he goes, Chevy used to love to pound raw. I'm like, yes. It's always this.

But like, I, so then I go, well, do I just ask one of it? I was like, do I ask one of his assistants? One of Lauren's angels? One of the angels? I go, do I ask the angels? And- This is my impression of all of them. Every time I met them, they go, yeah.

Come follow me. When I screen tested both times, there was just girls on the phones going, do you know where your dressing room is? You can follow me. Yeah. So I literally, I asked and I, you were probably talking to the producers, by the way,

cause I feel like the assistants are nicer. Oh, whoever it was, it was me. It was probably the producer, cause the producers can be mean. Then I watched Pete get it and I was like, I wonder if he fucked him, like he stacked them on top of each other like a Dagwood, like a Dagwood sandwich.

And he goes, I've never had a seven, a seven some. This is crazy. And I go one, two, three, four, five, six. Okay. I guess. I guess here I'm gonna go fuck all these young hot girls with all this power. I literally, I just asked them and they were like, yeah, you can have a meeting.

And I was like, is it appropriate for me to be telling him this? And they were like, yeah. Is this breaking my HIPAA? Is this breaking the doctor laws? Yeah, so I just sort of went in there and it was just this odd moment where I was like, all right, I'm pregnant. But like, my main concern here is pregnant, but like my main concern here is like, I wanna keep working.

I was like, just so you know, I was like, you're sure you're a single mom. Yeah. I was like, just so you know, I'm the breadwinner. Yeah. And. We need this. Right, yeah, like everyone needs this.

If it helps you, there's a man's life is at stake. Yeah, a white man. A white man's life is at stake. Yeah. A white man. A white man's life is at stake here. You can ski incredibly. Yeah. And he's a great skier. And he goes, well, I don't want to ruin that. Yeah. You're wrong. So then he literally did your impression of him.

Which is Dana Carvey's impression. It was just, yeah. And Mike Myers is Dr. Evil. He just started saying like, you know, well, you know, when Amy was here, she said, she worked until, and when Tina worked, and I just went, oh, okay, cool. We have a lovely wet nurse that'll be here for me. Which is like, you go, oh, thank God

he's comparing me to more successful people. It's kinda sick. At least in this, like, context. You wonder if he does it with the male cast members? Like, if someone comes in and goes like, I got herpes, and he goes, right, Farley had herpes. Farley had herpes. So did Phil. And you go, Phil, Hartley had herpes? Yeah. That's why, yeah. And he goes, you're not alone. Not alone. The outbreaks get better. You can manage those symptoms. It'll itch like a son of a bitch the first time. But that's just simplex too.

Which is the one that's your fault. Yeah, which is, it's kind of like dick warts. It's not gonna result in cervical cancer. I know a lot about human papillomavirus. Was he cool? He was cool, yeah. Which is best case scenario? He was really cool about it.

And then I walked out of there being like, okay, I guess Tina and Amy got to keep working. Sick. You know, and even though now looking back, I'm like, well, that could have been a threat. I could have seen that as a threat. Everything he says could be veiled as a threat. The beauty and the kind of the genius of Lorne

is that he's vague enough for you to project whatever you're going through onto what he says. Oh my God, dude. I'm so glad I didn't get that show. It would have fucking broken me. Every time I go in there, I go, you're a genius. Like you are really. He is, he's absolutely a genius.

There's no denying someone that builds and runs a legitimate institution like Saturday Night Live. You can't call them anything, but you can call them a lot of stuff, but Genius has to be one. I would say one of the last standing institutions. We've watched the collapse of the industry. Of monoculture, of the industry, that's what we called it.

I think there's still an industry, it's just unrecognizable from what it was. It's all siloed unrecognizable from what it was. It's all siloed. Yeah. Because you can go do something and sell out theaters and people that work at Fox have, you know, like- They have no idea what to do.

People that develop television shows have no fucking clue what you do. Yeah. You know, like that was the story when I met, when I was meeting with new management, they were telling me about Bargetzi, is that Lauren was like, I don't know who Nate Bargetzi is.

He's like, well, he's doing arenas. So people know who he is. And then Nate went and hosted SNL and it was like one of their best episodes in fucking years. It's like, that's how it is now. So the fact that Lauren still has the last shop open of like everything feeds into this.

And I think he's the only one who is like taking, well, I could be just throwing shit at the wall right now, but like, I feel like he's the only one from that like world that's going, oh, there's someone who's just popular online and I could put him on TV and that's a different audience. That's why he's a genius. You know like because he's had to unlike you know like network execs at Fox or ABC or whatever, Lorne isn't a network exec he just runs his show and he's had to adapt so many times. Right. You know when he left in 1980 and

came back in 85 Eddie Murphy carried in 1980 and came back in 85, Eddie Murphy carried that, but he comes back in 85, and then you see SNL change where he goes like, I gotta get new blood. Then he has like those runs of those unbelievable casts, clear up until like, oh five, and it was still banging. And then they would get Sandburg, Lonely Island, and then it turns over.

Then it becomes Tina and Amy, and it's like, he's so good at adapting and changing that of course he's still gonna, he has that ability. No one else has that ability. So that's why he is a genius. Like he literally, people can go like, fuck SNL, it hasn't been funny. My criticism is a lot of the times it feels like

it's written for teenagers who like musical theater. But that's also, cause I'm old. Well, it's also because it is written for teenagers. Like if you think about the years that anybody who's like, oh, my favorite cast was X, Y, and Z. It's all when they were teenagers and they were like up late watching TV. It's not like, you know, and then maybe boomers,

they go, well. Cause your point remains the same. Cause boomers, late seventies, it was a dangerous show. It was something they had never seen before. They were used to TV being corny. That movie, I know it got, some people panned it, but I watched it on an airplane, which is probably my meanest review

of a movie I've ever given. But that Saturday night show, that Saturday night movie, perfect movie plane, perfect plane movie. And it is really good, but it shows you that like, they had no fucking clue what they were doing. And I know people are like, that's not it is, but I've read the books. I've like read every book about it.

You know Pete Schultz, who's like a head writer at Update, he described watching that movie because we watched it all together. Oh, that's wild. And the trauma bonding. Yeah, yeah. He was like, he goes, it felt like watching a reenactment of your parents getting married. And the trauma bonding. Yeah. Yeah. He was like, he goes, it felt like watching

a reenactment of your parents getting married. That's really funny. And I was like, that's so accurate. So perfect. Yeah. Because you're watching, you go like, it couldn't have happened like that. Yeah. Your dad did say something like that, but he didn't say it eloquently. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. And that didn't happen like that. But it is like, it was, I think to shit on Lorne Michaels is stupid because the guy created something no one else will create ever again. Yeah, I mean, I think people will. They'll shit on the show and they'll shit on the cast

and they'll shit, that's just like part of working there. So you go like, okay. But I think people like shit on SNL as if they're like owning it. Yeah, like got them. Yeah, and I'm like, but it's been happening forever. Also it's gonna happen without you. It's happening forever. If you wanna say something unique,

try to look for something good about the show and you'll be like blowing my, that's gonna be like more inflammatory. Yeah, being like, whoa, you're standing up for it. We were talking about that. Someone that we never thought would defend SNL was defending SNL and you're kind of like, oh, that's interesting. Oh, that's fucking, did your Texas family react like SNL?

It's like the one, if you get a job at SNL now, it's like the only job in comedy that your parents will respect. That's so funny because When I started stand-up, mmm in a lot of comics go through this when you know, you should try out for SNL Yeah, yeah They go gotta get on SNL first Christmas party where I was like just doing stand-up Yeah, my family's like if you tried to get on SNL and you're like, oh

Yeah, The biggest show. And then when you don't get it, your family goes like, you didn't get it. I tried. Well, you know, I tried, but I didn't get to do my stand up. It's like when you're fucking agent told me to do fucking characters. It's like when you're featuring for somebody like really rich and they go, you know what you got to do is real estate. You got to get into real estate and you're like, oh yeah, think about it.

The first time I, my first road gig of all time was at Laughs Albuquerque, cause I started Laughs Tucson. I was MCing and the feature act, I know his name, not gonna say it, cause he still might be alive. But the guy would go- Like you say might be.

Might be. You had no idea. This was- It's a toss up. It's a toss up. But we during the day, so I stayed at the condo with the headliner in the future. During the day, the feature would go to the mall and buy Waterford crystals and sell them on eBay. Okay. And he told me that's what comedy is. He goes, if you want to be a road comic, you have to go sell stuff on eBay for like other money.

And I was like, so young in comedy, that I was like, this can't be the way. And then I talked to the older headliners in Tucson and they're like, no, just don't do coke. You'll be fine, just don't do blow. That was like always the thing. And you're like, okay, cool. But that guy, I remember like watching him,

he would go and buy like, he did it every day. He'd come back with like six or seven water for crystals. And like, I'd see him on his laptop, like listing them. This is 04. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? And then the next day he'd be like, I sold one. I sold it for like 80 and I bought it for like 55. And you're like, Jesus Christ, is this comedy?

Yeah. Oh, my God. But yeah. And then you don't realize that you're like this. You're just watching the worst piece of advice, because there's so much bad advice when you start. Oh, yeah. Well, it's a lot of times in comedy, you get advice from people that have failed, that want to tell you why they failed, and it's always a particular thing

that maybe you won't bump up against. And they're like, just stay away from Lucian. Like that was the strip and you're like, I think he's dead. And they're like, well, there you go, stay away from him. And you're like, why do you have a problem with it? It's fucking wild because it's like any job where people have their personal problems.

I mean, SNL, I can't imagine the shit that you've heard from people where they're like, don't do this with the hoes. Oh yeah, no, it's like, yeah, everybody's sort of telling you just like one particular thing that they did that they fucked up with, you know? I mean, mine was, I texted, there was like, and it wasn't so bad, but it was like-

The word text did make me go like, what did you text? So there's a writer's chat, there's a writer's text thread. Don't tell me you signaled. Did you do it, did you do it, I didn't signal- HECS did and fucking add a reporter? No, so like there was- I'm gonna tell you right now, I've never seen fucking.

There was someone on stage doing it, like standing in for one of the musical artists, right? And she was, it was just hilarious because she was standing there like dissociated. I've never seen anyone look so depressed in my life, but she was standing like, I think it was like, like Chapel Rhone's background or something, you know, like Pink Pony Club and like, just like this.

And so I took a picture of the screen and I sent it to the writers' chat because I just thought, oh, we're all gonna have fun with this, right? And then somebody, nobody responded. And I went, hmm, weird. That should have got a lot of LOLs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Turns out it was one of the head writer's your guy. That's your got a lot of lol. Yeah. Yeah turns out it was one of the head writers nieces and I was like cool Related to everyone and her mom just killed herself you go fuck Yeah Damn it nice that kind of joke where you have a good joke and then something you find out something horrible happened You go, I mean and I was like, I took a picture cause I was like this, I feel like we all relate to this. This is the experience of being here

where you're like in the most, you have the most crazy elaborate shit around you. Yes. You know, you're standing, you're surrounded by like money and big budgets. And also, insanely famous people. Insanely famous people. Like not just kind of famous people. Dead inside. Insanely famous people. Insanely famous people, yeah. Like not just kind of famous people,

like whoever's at the top that needs to push the biggest thing is there that week. Right. It's insane. Yeah, and you just, so it's like that kind of shit where you just are like, oh, okay, well I'm never texting the writer's chat ever again. Did you have to say something to the head,

like were you like, hey? No, he came have to say something to the head, like, were you like, hey? No, he came up to me and he was like, hey, he's like, the reason why nobody responded is because, yeah, he was cool about it. That's awesome. And I was like, oh my God, thank you so much. I was like, I didn't mean anything by it.

Did you try to, this is something that comics do where we get a little greedy and we want to know the punchline was funny. So we go, but it was funny, right? I did go, well, I mean, you get why I sent it. She suffers from depression so not really. I did accidentally yeah. The worst part about the hardest part about being in a SNL is like if you're in a writer's room right and you pitch something and it's the hardest pitch environment I've ever been in. Sure. You pitch a joke and if it doesn't work, no one says

anything. And then you, and then if you address that it got nothing, if you go nothing, they say nothing back. So it's literally like, you can't even get a laugh off of the bomb. You just have to take the L and move on. Because the second one, after you bomb with a joke, the second one is they're just to break the tension. It's not to make the joke loud you just go like whoa I thought that was good and if they go no they just literally just build the tension it just builds on top of it like it's it's equally rewarding when something rips when like something you put something out and it gets like a huge laugh or you kind of like yes is, is there any good parts? That's what I'm saying.

I mean, yeah, it's nice when something goes well, but you also are just like, Oh, it's just a matter of time until I fuck myself. So you know what I mean? That's so dark because 30 rock is my favorite show. It's my fall asleep show. And so I always assume in a fun way that SNL has got to be a little bit like working at 30 rock. And then you're like, probably not. They probably took all the very fun parts and put it into a show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so I always assume in a fun way that SNL has got to be a little bit like working at 30 Rock and then you're like, probably not. They probably took all the very fun parts and put it into a show. Yeah. And like the bad parts don't make it. Yeah. I mean, I think that there's obviously great parts about working at SNL. There are moments of just like, pure insanity. Yeah. But I don't think the show is as mean as it used to be. Yeah, it used to be fucking, they used to be pretty mean in a fun way. I saw pictures from the writers party

from like 2009 or something. Yeah, so I remember seeing these photos and it's like people breaking the table. They were doing a slip and slide across the writers table table and it like broke and they've all got like wet t-shirts and they're just fucking, you know, somebody's like honking boobs. And it was like, Oh, that would never happen. That does suck. Cause you go like, that's like, uh, when you work at a restaurant, they're like, they used to close it down early and then we could just drink all the rest of the sangria. You go, you just don't do that anymore?

You go, guy died. And you go, sorry, well I wasn't here. That was, dude, we got. Like people die though. Yeah, we used to have. People die. We used to have like frozen margaritas at Dos Caminos and that was like a thing where people got caught

drinking them and then they like shut it all down. And you would tell the new waiters, you were like, oh yeah, you used to be able to take passion fruit and fucking burp, go to the bathroom with a straw and fucking, and then get drunk. Have you ever, oh, you don't drink anymore. Cause I was drinking at SNL would be wild. Cause you'd be like-

Oh, I would have lost my job immediately. You pitch a sketch and you go, I got an idea. And they go, get out of here. Yeah, I would have lost my job immediately if I was still drinking. Drinking waiting tables. I think waiters should have to drink. Absolutely.

Cause they need the fun. You go, how many you had? You go, I'm on double. Yeah. I'm about to piss in your iced tea. Absolutely. And I think you could do it easily by dividing up restaurants.

Yes. You know, we go, this is one where the waiters drink. This is one where they don't. Or do what they used to do with smoking. Do you want drinking or non-drinking waiters? Yes. Do you want sober or drunk waiters? Yeah, you do sections.

I want drunk waiter. And they go, great. Your food is going to be crazy late. Yeah. He's outside smoking back to back cigarettes. But one time I came in. But the bus boys will be wandering around. And you sort of flag them down.

And they might be able to get you more chips. Yeah. One time I came in. You know, you pop out for a cigarette, and I came in and it was like this French table and I was looking at him and then you hit the moment, you go, I never put the order in. And then you go to the kitchen and you're like,

this is 30 minutes ago, I need a dosa gelato, it's like right fucking now. And they're like, oh shit, and then you go to the table and you shit on the kitchen. You got a fucking kitchen, something fucked up happened. Retarded back there. I hated it. But I got drunk one time in between shifts

and I waited on Tori Amos. Tori Amos had like a party of 16 people and I was drunk. I mean, I came back from break. We went to the press box, which is on Second Avenue. Did you freak out or were you like, this is gonna be awesome? Well, so my buddy Jose that used to work there, he taught me, I had a break with him. And I was like, we'll

drink, we'll just drink just a couple beers, have a couple beers before the dinner shift. And he was like from a couple beers till we blackout. Yeah, we'll go back to work. He was like from the Bronx or whatever. And he's like, yo, my man, you ever had orange juice in a blue moon? Because I like the blue moons. And I was like, no, I've never done that. He's like, no, you gotta try this. So dash of orange juice and a Blue Moon. And it was so good.

So I drank like four beers and then three beers in. I go, do you wanna do a Jameson? And he was like, yes. Scratching your chest like a junkie. I was like, do you wanna do a fucking double? And we did a shot. And then I'm like, it's the moment where you're walking back to work

and you're finishing a cigarette and you go for another one. You go, I'm like, it's the moment where you're walking back to work and you're finishing a cigarette and you go for another one. You go, I'm fucking, I'm a little drunk. And then I go in and I go downstairs and I like put my apron on or whatever. And I go up and then Jose's like, yo, we got a 16 top auto grad. And you're like, let's go. And then we're going in and then like I dropping the chips off and then I, and then I'm like fucking party Amos.

And then we're like doing a drink order and I'm drunk. I'm like straight up drunk. And I was pouring wine into her glass and she was like, come here. And she took my head into her hands and she went, you have a beautiful soul. And I just remember going, thanks Tori Amos. And I was like so drunk that I walked away.

I was like, what the fuck is happening? But got that autograt, so I didn't have to chase her down. I didn't have to chase her down to the bar around the corner and threaten to fight her while she's trying to get pussy. That's so fucking psychotic. I was like, what the? I went in on a lot of celebrities. That actually supports my theory

that I think getting famous does do brain damage. 100%, it's CTE. Yeah. Cause just everyone fucking, that's why when I waited on celebrities, the ones that were cool, I would go out of my way to go, you're really, Damon Wayans was really cool.

Yeah. He was really cool. Where I was like, dude, you're one of the coolest celebrities I've waited on. Who else? Martina McBride was the best one. Martina McBride? Dude, she was awesome.

Her husband fucking, I'll support her career forever. Okay. I had a crazy slow lunch. You're going to see Martina McBride live? Dude, I'm a McBride head. You're buying tickets? I'm a McBride-ophile. I love her. Her husband, they had maybe a $70 tab and her husband tipped me $130. Damn.

And that was when I had like no money. So you had the extra hundred. Cause it was cash. So I tip out on the 30. Sorry, busters, if you're watching this. One of the busters I used to work with is a doorman around the corner. Oh, for real?

Yeah. When I walk my dog, I'm like, Charlie! And he's like, what's up, dude? He's like, yo, you used to freak out. And I was like, yeah, dude, I'd get so mad waiting tables. I'd punch the micro screens all the time. But if you're in New York long enough,

you really can't escape your past. You just fuck, you could go about a decade, but it'll come back. It'll bubble up. But yeah, I mean, like waiting on celebrities, you would see who was completely fucking gone and who was like, like A-Rod, when he was dating Madonna, they came in and they like didn't want anyone to talk to him.

You're like, that's this weird, but like Howard Stern would come in all the time and tip crazy good. Yeah. He would tip crazy good. So everyone wanted to wait on Howard. But yeah, you would, you would like see people and you'd be like, Oh, you're fucking broke. Well, I think Howard is like, you know, he's constantly literally interviewing people who are more

famous. You know what I mean? So it's like, yeah, there was kind of maintain a level of like humility, just, just catering to that. You know who was cool as fuck that's had a really sad decline that I've been Bam Margera. He came in and I just watched that fucking documentary. Yeah. He came in and had lunch and he was he was so cool. He was so fucking cool. His boy was a problem. His buddy, I forget who it is. It was one of the guys that they used to like make fun of all the time. He was slamming coronas. But Bam was cool as fuck tipped extra. I was like, dude, and then you have celebrities that don't tip and then you hate him

forever. Yeah. I'm drinking now? Yeah, he had a couple beers. Oh really? Yeah, but he was like super nice. I waited when Common was dating Serena Williams. I waited on him, they tipped me like shit. Really? They tipped me and my buddy Matt like shit. And I was like, come on Common,

I thought you were Common Sense. 20% dude. Sense. Tipped me fucking 9%. Common. Common Sense. Oh, yeah But I mean that's why I like SNL will always be a really cool thing that like, you know, your daughter will be like, yeah, my mom wrote on SNL I don't know. I don't think she'll give a shit. Really? Yeah

I think it's kind of like the way you are with your grandpa stuff I think she'll be like, oh, yeah, my the way you are with your grandpa's stuff? I think she'll be like, oh yeah, my mom like did, like she like worked in the talkies. That's so funny. Yeah. When they asked you, you used to have to watch TV on cable. Yeah. And they go, oh, that's like, when we find out-

I think the fact that even I made TV for TV is like gonna be lame to her. Like I'm like, I need to pick up the YouTube game immediately Yeah, like I'm literally I need to get in with mr. Beast. I'm fucking cooked I'm working on a show with Adrian. Yeah, like we're writing a show and I'm like, I just want to fucking put it on YouTube I feel like it's gonna be better to just make it because we'll be able to make the thing you actually want to make Yeah, that is funny to think about your your daughter will be like you made TV for TV It was like when my mom was explaining with phone numbers

that the block had a number. So like back in the day you would call, it was called a party line. You would like call and different houses would pick up and be like, I'm looking for soul and soul. And they're like, sorry, never. And then like the other, this is like in the fifties or whatever.

And then like the other house would pick up and be like, here I am. That's so weird. It's crazy having phone sex back in that day. We were like, I'm taking off your knickers. And they go, wrong house. You're on the phone with my husband. You're like, son of a bitch.

Why is he checking off to me? And it's like, oh, this is what swingers were back in the day. Everybody jumps in. Yeah, they go, I haven't seen anything. It's called vlog party. The special is Motherload. It's on Netflix right now. Rosebud is fucking hilarious.

Go watch it. Thank you for coming on the podcast. Thanks for having me. Yeah, you rule. This is really fun. Yeah, this was a fun hang. Whenever I look at the clock and I go, holy shit, what time is it?

Oh shit, oh shit. Do you have to go back to work? I gotta go to work. All right, he's like, were you doing a podcast about me? I heard you were doing a podcast about me. I heard he does a pretty lame impression of you. I have every building in Manhattan bugged.

Oh, you're at the Capitol. Yeah, that's all.