Soder - 82: We’re Adults with Kelsey Cook & Chad Daniels | Soder Podcast | EP 80

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

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May 29th through May 31st, Appleton, Wisconsin at Skyline Comedy Club. America, it's time for me to go on the road. I'm Dan Soder and I'm heading out on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. That's right, the greatest nickname I've ever received. Thank you, Reddit. I'm doing theaters across everywhere. Everywhere you've been putting in comments, DMing me, sending me emails, when are you coming to such and such city?

I'm coming to all of them. The golden retriever of comedy tour. Throw a premise. I'll chase that sumbitch down. ["The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour"] First off, I don't do introductions. My fans are mad I don't do introductions. Kelsey Cook and Chad Daniels.

10 problem podcasts, two phenomenal stand-up comedians, go watch their specials. It's the closest to a real intro you're going to get out of me. I'm obsessed with people dying in the wheel wells of airplanes. It's happening a lot and being reported on. People are hiding in the wheel wells of United flights and dying. To come to America? In America, to to another city from one city to another. I think one of them was, uh, to Florida. So from,

I think New Jersey or New York. Yeah, of course. It's, one of them is always going to be in Florida, but there were like, I think three different news stories and it's how I feel about Hawk to a meme coin where it's like, if about Hawk to a meme coin, where it's like, if you try that and you die, you deserve to die. Because I don't think why you would watch an action movie and think that's gonna work.

The tires just, the landing gear just goes into its own compartment in the plane. Yeah, it's not fucking Mission Impossible. This is, you're not Tom Cruise, what are you doing? But that's what I mean is, those are the people that should die. The last three of them, what they all said was, I'll text you when I get there.

I promise you that. And promise me this will work. That was one of them. You swear? Yeah. I promise you this will work. A guy getting mad at his girlfriend for her going, you can't hide in the wheel well.

And he's like, oh my god, you're so fucking dumb. She's diehard too. How do you think he gets on the fucking? She's like, what? All right. So they're just like sneaking out. They're like getting in, they're getting in the wheel, right? And then it's going up into the thing.

And then when they're landing, they're like, Hey, we got a body here. But would make also make me think as if it's on the wheel, you know, we all fly every weekend, you know, when you're landing, you hear the landing gear come out, like as you're approaching. Yeah, they do. When you drop below 10,000 feet.

And then it just but just having that body just tumble out onto like someone playing baseball with like, Hey, Chris, go live. This is like, swank. It's just like the fucking guy who's like, this is gonna work. I'm gonna hide in the wheel. He's just a body in a fucking outfield. And if you grew up in the eighties, your first thought is check him for a note. Yeah, that's so funny. There's gotta be a note on him. There's gotta be, he's either Russian or it was a note. Everything was involved with the Russians in the 80s.

Imagine though that the landing ears. I wanna know where they went. The landing ears coming up. You just go, my hand's squishing. My arm is squishing. And it just keeps going all the way. Like zoinks. Your eyes fucking pop out of your head.

Yeah, dude. Horrific. And there's like, and here's the thing. If it was like one, you go, what a little rascal. But when it's like three, you had the jet blue and this was, oh my God, there was another one. I was looking at these in January. There was just one this from from the Palm Beach Post. Bodies found in JetBlue Wheel Well after Florida landing

identified as two teens. Teens, I see, believe in it. Yeah, yeah, this is sad. The two identified, I'm not gonna give their names, there's no reason to do that, but they were 18 and 16. Can you give their first names? Yeah, Jack and Elvis. Absolutely.

Elvis has left the Wheel Well. That's really. Just goes, flap, Jack and Elvis. Absolutely. Elvis has left the wheel well. That's really... Just goes, flub flub flub. I'm caught in a trap. They were two teenagers from the Dominican Republic, from the DR. The bodies in the jet blue wheel well were identified Monday, April 7th. That's like, so I'm going to say something. Yeah. If, if they're coming from somewhere else to get to America, understandable. It's a, that's a lot less comedy. Yeah. Yes. If they are like, dude, I'm going to go to Nashville in the wheel. Yes.

That is then funny to me. Cause it's like, no, you're not. I think what you're getting at is if they're white, it's hilarious. If they're not white, you go No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Guys, he's from Steubensville. We can make fun of this We got we got one so there was there was a couple in January January 8th Twice yeah, this is the story about it. It's from the AP news either. So that's like the hard I miss just reading stuff and going like this is true Because now I really now you got to become a little fucking investigative journalist when you're like, hey, I heard

a guy got hit by a truck and they go diddy and you go, I don't know. Yeah, I genuinely don't know. Why am I the only one thinking critically? It's too much work. I don't want to do it. So there was two in January Plane was taxiing in Boston. Oh That dude yeah, there's like there's even make it through taxiing No, they said that they found two stowaways were arrested also they survived. Oh

These are stowaways. So one of them it worked Damn, this is happening a lot more I'm gonna ask Delta if I can check the Tyra Wells next time I'm flying. I go, hey, I'm Diamond. Can I get down there, poke around a little bit? I think I saw the guy from Billions under the plane. Hey, get out of there.

That's a great story though. You're like, oh, your plane had bird strike. Well, guess what? We had a 16 year old Ecuadorian so he might get happened that's what's uh as you travel more the like I think if I would have been on a plane 15 years ago and that would have happened I'd be like what an exciting adventure but now I'd be like I've got to get to the hotel so I can nap like that inconvenience happening you'd be like, I've got to get to the hotel so I can nap. Before the show. Like that inconvenience happening. You'd be like, I'm doing stuff.

Remember in the olden days when you just hopped a train and you had to like let the first guy in there have sex with you? So you could get to where you're going. Now it's like, you got to hop in a wheel well. Yeah, what is going on? Remember how we talked before the show about things that we wouldn't share that you did in your past? Yeah. No, no, no, I was just saying like, what is going on for the show about things that we wouldn't share that you did in your past? Yeah

No, no, I was just saying like what if? Do you find it out Chad's road life began writing the rails You just go I do a lot of people I would love to tell that story when I'm not with Chad and I go Do you know that Chad Daniels like a hobo boxing champion? You go what like that do we started you like ride the rails? It was like a hobo boxing champion? You go, what? Like, yeah, dude, when you started, you like ride the rails, it was like pretty risky. Cause that was, my favorite thing is I used to tell people comics were emancipated from their families.

Like, just like randomly going like, it's a joke I've done for a while, but I, it doesn't lose that funny if you go, it was always Michelle Wolf. I go, you know, Michelle Wolf was like emancipated from her family. And she was like 16. you go, it was always Michelle Wolf. I go, you know, Michelle Wolf was like, emancipated from her family. And she was like 16. People go, what?

And even if they know it's a joke, there's a part of them that goes like, why would you say that? My new favorite thing is when someone's talking to stand behind them and go. Right there. Just to devalue someone immediately what they're saying. It's good. And they go, right there, just to devalue someone immediately what they're saying.

It's hilarious. Amazing. Yeah. You're making it fun on the, you're doing your own little bits. Yeah, dude, that's what I, that's, that's the fine line between fun and annoying. Is like finding out when a bit is annoying people

and you go like, this is just for me, I gotta pack this one up. Do you pack it up or do you double down depends on the victim if it's annoying someone I'll double down because then it's gonna become funny but if it's like a passive if it's in a disinterest these drop it oh disinterest yeah yeah just like you go like I'm not getting anything with this you can start to see the pulse go right here you go, we're turning it up a little Turns out this one's gonna go spicy

Someone's getting arrested tonight. We when you got you guys are doing shows in the city together and you guys are doing a tour together Just a three. Go ahead. Oh, no, no, please just three dates together. Just three days Is this like a baby step of like, because that would solve a lot of problems if you guys went on the road together. I know. Because I go on the road and I miss Katie. Shot your fucking.

I know. I think honestly, you should just have full access to his phone. I just start saying stuff and you go, what are you, hey Dan, she leaves and you go, Kelsey, I'm gonna see you out in the hallway. Hey, what was that? You just stopped me in the hallway? You were there, you know, with Jesse leaves you go Kelsey I'm gonna see you out in the hallway what are you doing back there go ah yes go on the road together that's so fun

three days from now she gets a Fox News report on her phone and it just says you've been found in a wheel well dude Dan and he told me he was diamond so I don't know why he's riding in the wheel well. Really? He saw his place. He's nice. He has his money. His dog, his dog was nice. It seemed like everything was good. I don't know why he would leave America for Venezuela.

He was in a tire well. No, but I mean, traveling, it's like vacation. I think vacations bring in more fights than work trips. Cause like work trips, there's stuff to be done Like vacation is like there's a lose on a vacation. You're like, yeah work trips You're like we got to go on stage together tonight. Yeah, we got it's also like there's there's even like a wedding There's an event there's events when you go on vacation. There's like events that you plan so they're not real Okay, and there's also this belief that you're supposed to be like happy the whole go on vacation, there's like events that you plan so they're not real. And there's also this belief that you're supposed to be

like happy the whole time on vacation. That's my fault. You're on vacation sometimes, they're like, why are you upset? You're on vacation. She's like, I don't know, I'm a person. And I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. We went to Europe together for two weeks

at the end of this past year, and we had such a good time. We didn't fight, it was the best. We like to save fighting for home. That's what you should do. Fighting for the Patreon of our podcast. That's even better. We like to monetize our. Yes. Turn it in to money.

Well, here's what we're doing on this tour. Do you want to tell? Yeah. Yeah. So we're doing three cities together, markets that we probably shouldn't have done. We've learned Yeah, I didn't know what the other area meant and it means you don't sell tickets It means Tertiary means no one gives shit Because you don't want to go like yeah a market where we would both draw and then burn that weekend for sure where we would have both had our own shows So we're going to these markets. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be great. But well, I'm wondering because you know people this is This is probably come out after those shows. Yeah. Yeah, so of course we could say the names we can give the judgments and then it's fun

If it goes well or bad so you can what you what first off what markets are they? What cities? Huntington, New York. We're at the Paramount Theater. Oh yeah, Long Island. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Love it bro. Yeah. Okay. Now you're gonna have to punch her at some point in the show to get a big pop. Great venue and we're gonna be able to see so much of the venue because it will just be wide open spaces. We're very excited. You know how people in Long Island like to recline and put their arms around? Yeah.

There's gonna be plenty of room for that. Did everyone come out and starfish? Starfish on the ground and look at the sky. You go standing room only. Everyone was laying down on the ground starfished. You were gonna step on it. So you guys are doing Long Island? Yeah.

Montclair, New Jersey. Okay. And Philly. Philly is like that one is going to be with an X most well. Yeah, that that one's going to be fine. Yeah. Parks. The first two. Yeah. Yeah. Hunting to Long Island's tough. Long Island's its own ecosystem. It's people don't realize that he has ways out of the city. So you're not doing like a local New York. Yeah. Is it really? It's the furthest drive from here. We're taking lifts everywhere and we're taking a lift to Parks Casino in another state. Yeah. It's not a further away than one

of the boroughs. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. It's crazy. You'll be in New York traffic and it's always the 90 minute Mark. We go, I could have gone to Philly. I could have drove to our original nation's capital. Instead I'm in fucking Queens still. Long Island, Long Island's crazy. You know what's funny is I live here in Long Island. I'm like, I'll do a brokerage, I'll do a tiny one. Cause you're like, I don't know. Long Island's just complete own ecosystem.

Yeah, and it's an ecosystem that doesn't know us, apparently. We're learning. We've never been. Yeah. Well, guess what? You're going. It's going to be a hell of a time. Yeah.

I will tell you this. And I'm not just fluffing nuts here to make it seem like I'm trying to be positive. Sure. The people that are coming, no one stumbles into a theater going, let's try this today. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it is going to be really fun people. Yes, absolutely Also, it'll be fun If you do this show and then come back and sell it out as like Like, you know, you do the fact-finding thing where you go now everybody here go get five people and in 16 months We'll reassemble in pyramid schema Been to a Kelsey Cook, Chad Daniels show in Long Island? It's like, they're doing like six at the Paramount.

I don't know what the fuck's going on. But they also do cell phones at the end. They like sell a cell phone. We want to go. There's commercials here for Shen Yun. I don't know if you know what Shen Yun is. I do. Yeah, it's a national.

It's a touring thing. It's a touring thing. It's a Chinese ballet that is it's a anti communism, but it's like China before communism. And they do this whole thing. They live in New York. They live on a compound in New York. And then they tour the United States doing this. Like, Oh, I'm fascinated by it. They're at the Lincoln center for, I think like three more nights. Katie's on a work trip without me, not like you guys. You guys get to go everywhere together. But we're gonna miss Shen Yun.

We're missing Shen Yun. For her work. We're missing Shen Yun. We're missing Shen Yun. We're missing Shen Yun, Katie. Katie, you gotta go to Detroit. We're missing Shen Yun. But now it feels like a choice because you could go.

Without her? This sounds like something a rich businessman would be screaming at a separate place. We're missing Shen Yun. Catherine, Shen Yun is at the Lincoln Center for two nights. Very white lotus, I'm just saying. I need to see my pre-communism Chinese ballet,

but we're just so fascinated by it because they fucking pepper the commercials in on Jeopardy and shit. So we always see it. Katie, there is a reason I can't go by myself. Katie's worried I'll get turned. Because apparently they're like do a seminar about how great China was before communism

and like all this stuff. And then apparently it's pretty right wing. And by the end they start going like, so start donating to these. And Katie's like, I just feel like if you go, I'm worried about you going. And by the end going like, write this down. What's the website?

I'm on my phone. I thought, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I know, I know, no, I know. It's a pitch. I got it, I got this though. ShenYun.net? And then like, she comes home a week later, I go, good news, we're going to Beijing. On a time machine as well.

We're gonna do ShenYun there. We're gonna try to break communism in China. It's a two man show. Yeah. She comes back and sees an ad for your next show and you're going by Dan Yun. Dan Yun, and it's like, cherry blossom is behind me.

Yeah. And I'm just up there like, how great is China? Pre-communism. Yeah dude, it's that kind of shit. I'm fascinated by. Myrtle, are you eating your turtle right now? Pretty loudly.

Oh Myrtle's turtle, eating your turtle right now pretty loudly? Okay, good sorry back to it Guys, sometimes you find yourself out, you know, and you're like, oh damn. I don't have any cash on me Oh, damn it. I don't have my wallet on me. And then you're like, well, how the hell am I gonna pay for this? Well, guess what if you have cash app, you don't got to worry about it Cash app is a safe easy and fast way to send receive and transfer money to family and friends. It's instant setup. It was crazy easy to get started. You just need a phone number, an email and a debit card to link it with. And then all of a sudden, bam, you're just right up there. You get to pick your little username. It's got a dollar sign in front of it. So you feel like a low, like a low end wrapper. You're like, Oh, this

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because they go, hey, you basically told us. Factor meals, oh baby. I am noticing now that the weather is warming up that I ate like shit this winter. Packed on the pounds. Need to change that. I need to get outside instead of cooking and prepping indoors and thanks to Factor, I can do that now. Factor arrives fresh and ready to eat perfect for any active lifestyle.

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50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code SOTER50OFF at factor meals dot com slash SOTAR50OFF for 50% off plus free shipping. What are you not going to do to me? But our shows together, we're going to each go on stage and do our individual stand up and do our jokes about each other. That's fun. And then go back on stage together. That's very fun.

And get to give our side of the other person. I love that. I can't wait. I love that. Cause I got a lot of fucking things to say. Yeah. You're gonna come out with like a dossier and your readers, you go, may I begin?

Great. And you go, then Chad comes out and like litigates. Can I tell the hip thing? Oh yeah, yeah. From Market Territory. So she has a special market territory on YouTube and Hulu, see it now. Go stream it.

And there's a joke about me having a fake hip and she goes, do you think I'd give a shit if he can jump rope or not? And I sit and when I see this joke, I go, I can fucking jump, I'm one of the best jump ropers you've ever seen. I used to do jump rope for heart. I have.

Oh my God. Jump rope for heart. I used to jump, rope for heart. I have. Oh my God. Jump rope for heart. I used to jump. It was fighting heart disease and raising awareness and I would jump my dick off for it. I had to go find a jump rope that I won that had engraving on the handle for being the double under champ and being like,

how you fucking like me now? Can you do it now though? Sure. Yeah. It's such a silly joke. I want it after the hipster. That's so real. Chad's competitive fired is this guy. Can you do it? You go fucking I can't. You push the mic. You know what? You got to fucking roll. Why don't you grab some of these cords? Get an extension. Get a mic. Unplug it. You don't need to talk loud mouth. Shen Yun my ass. I'll show you Shen Yun. Oh my God. I'll show you your fucking Shen Yun right fucking now.

Just doubling on it. This is tafter communism. Yeah. This is the people's republic of China. That's so funny. Turn into a black girl, you're like, I just went to the store. What did I say? Do you start double dutching?

It got fucked. Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the ground say? And he's like, did you start double dutching? It got fucked. Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the ground. Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around. He fucking got her, dude, he got nuts. That's so funny. So you heard that, that is funny when you react to it. Did you know before the special about that joke?

I did, but I was sitting in crowd watching, wanting to heckle my own girlfriend. And it's such a silly It's like a very silly tag in this silly joke Yeah, it's not silly if he's walking people think it's true. He was like I just just need to know something. I I'm actually like really good at jump rope. I was like, okay He's like no I like I wanted I want a jump rope in a jump rope contest

That I like wasn't even supposed to be in and so your joke about that, because I have a fake hip, I can jump rope. I'm like, okay, I still. I just wish you'd find something I was actually bad at. Oh, for God's sake. By the way, good luck. But it is, that's the thing about writing jokes when you're in a relationship, you're like, you're a comic, so you guys can write jokes

about each other and go, I have a joke about you. Katie, I just have to come home and go, I said stuff about you today. And she's like, what did you say about me? You go, it really worked. I'm gonna be doing it every night. Please let me see that. Well, infamous Ida joke on my last special on YouTube

about watching porn and it going over the Bluetooth while she was in the shower. And that and that like that just happened during it just happened like and she came out of the shower and immediately I was like that's that's a good bit. Yeah. She was like don't. It was like while it was happening she goes don't. But then three weeks later she was like yeah she do it as a bit.

And then it was funny when the first time she came out and watched it, she was like, yeah. And people would see her and be like, did that really happen? She's like, exactly the way it happened. And that made me feel good, because it's like, I'm not gonna lie about it. It's already an incredibly embarrassing situation. That's kind of nice actually, that it's like, somebody that's saying, no, this is,

like there is no elaboration here, because I think as comics you want people to know like no this shit really like this is a real thing You know means some stuff is made up some stuff You know just to sprinkle in but that's the thing about stand-up is you that you have to mix it in enough where people go Like that's believable, right? It's like some of my favorite jokes or stuff that I go. You really happy go Yeah, that really did happen. You're like, that's fucking great. It's just great It is I do like the idea of you going on stage afterwards and being like, here's actually what really happened.

If people got to do that at regular jobs, like if you're just working in an insurance company, you go, hey, Terry's wife's coming by, apparently some stuff he said at lunch. She's got a retort. She goes, and another thing, I do let him play video games till late at night as long as he wakes up to walk And he doesn't fucking wake up and you go, okay, and it's on his birthday

Okay, not just yeah, so well you guys are having beers at work, which I know you have beers at lunch Okay, I also know that it's like bringing your significant other to your job to have them explain their side is a very we need to start doing that that'll that'll Bottom out the divorce rate because everyone will be like well. I got to say my piece I'm not mad at her anymore. I got to go to work got to go You know your wife works in a nail salon you go there and you go and another thing I fucking remember everything that she wants to they are okay because she says you don't know

Just like clarifying. I think that's what everyone wants right now, is just more clarifying, like, news, anything. You just want someone to go like, this is the truth, that's how it is, and you go, great. Now we're moving forward. Everybody wants to be seen and understood. Yes, that's it. And so they want their version out.

Yeah, that's why I feel bad. I mean, I feel like your kids were the last generation. Now they're adults, So you're like, you don't have to worry about what's happening now. Like my friends with young kids, I have to be like, Hey, they'll be tough warriors. You don't know what to say with them. Cause they're just like, yeah, kids don't want to read anymore. And you're like, but we're not having kids.

You're just like, oh, then fuck reading, I guess. I don't know what to do. I don't know. You're not supposed to make your kid read. That's pretty simple. Yes. I will fucking duct tape you down. Yes.

With the book here. And you go, dad, and I'll come turn the page. Yeah. But you're reading this book. Dude, my mom fucking made me read. And I, sixth and seventh grade, I was like, this mean lady. And then now I like to read as I grew up.

And I was like, no, that is, so I guess our point is abuse does work. It does, you know. Just a small dash of abuse. It's like cayenne pepper. You don't need a lot. Really. You don't need a lot. Just a pinch. Just a little. And let people know it's in there.

Oh, I hit my kid. Yeah. Yeah, I just, when someone at a work party that's 20 years older than you makes a George Orwell reference and you giggle, you're fucking welcome. Yes. Okay?

Boom. You're welcome. Boom. Four legs good, two legs bad and you giggle. Got him. That was me. Got him. And the duct tape. Yeah, call good, two legs bad, and you giggle? Got him. That was me. Got him.

And the duct tape. Yeah, call me after that and go, thanks dad. Uh huh. Go, hey. I feel like Chad's one of the last no nonsense parents of that generation. Yeah. Right?

I don't know. Of just going like, hey guys, can I talk to you real quick? I just like a dad that knows there's some fear. I like a dad that establishes a little fear in their kid. I like to open up conversations with them when they were little, Hey, here's how you're feeling. Let me tell you how you're feeling. And it's not great right now. That's the understanding of just sitting there listening to a five year old

being like, and they're like, well, I, and like, and this is all valid. And you go, I don't think it is though. What happened to being terrified when you're a kid People like we always try to romanticize and be like we had to be inside when the Sun was coming down But it was terrifying if you were late I remember like running home late and being like I'm a kid. This is bad This is I'm in fucking real trouble possible physical trouble. My friends are like so like no no no no no I haven't fear based parenting I know there's gonna be a lot of people like you shouldn't say that but fuck that dude fear based parenting made decent people

Because now the amount we travel you see how shitty Everyone is yeah, we just you didn't have fear based You had very well, I did a little bit. I did for my dad and step mom's house, but not like physical fear, but they were very strict over there. There were a lot of rules. Fear is fear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physical, verbal, mental. Yeah. Traps. Yeah. Puzzles, riddles. However your parents want to strike fear into you. A bat dressing up as a bat and fighting crime at night,

people can use fear in any way. But what would they do? They would just like. It was just very, it was kind of like Handmaid's Tale vibes over there. It was like a little Amish. It was like they got internet way later than they should have.

Like no cable TV. It was just like, you fucking, you read your books and you like did your whatever, your house chores and you couldn't talk on the phone in your room. You had a concern in your eyes. See, he has this thing where he's like. You're at a halfway house. It's like what, that's how they rehab,

that's how they rehab criminals. They say, like, bring me your shoelaces. No, no. Yeah, they go, call, they go, we're doing room checks. Oh, fuck, I got a phone in there. I'm gonna get fucking killed. Contraband. Teen magazine under my mattress. Oh, really? Jonathan Taylor Thomas is a real kissable boy is he? Cartra band. This is true. My dad found, so he had, we had like a one CD player in the house and my dad would use it to do his yo-yo routines.

That's true. And it wasn't all music that was like, different kind of, can't be like regular EDM. Oh really? No. I want to know whatM for yo-yos. Oh really? No. Oh fuck, I wanna know what he would yo-yo to. I wanna know what those, put together a playlist

on Spotify for your podcast fans. Oh my God. And one of my friends had lent me his Nappy Roots CD. Nappy Roots. Coming right from Kentucky. Listening to it in my room at my dad's house and my dad found the CD and got fear. He was so mad. Cause we don't found my friend at school and was like,

don't give my daughter that. I'd be like, really? How old are you? Seventh eighth grade. That's too old for that. 13 is too old. Very strict about like swearing of all this stuff. And then on my, I'd go to my mom's house and it was like we had a candy drawer and it was like the definition of like original gentle parenting like tell me your feelings. I'm your best friend. Like all this stuff. So I was back and forth between two polar opposite.

Her mom was actually the one that gave her the nappy roots. Yeah, I love it. She goes, be big Vic. She goes, big Vic, she goes big V Vic. She goes, dude, all the po folks, that whole fucking album slaps. And you go, okay, mom. She goes, nappy roots, get into them. You'll get into it. My mom did a perfect mixture of fear

and then like at 16 being like, yeah, you could smoke cigarettes here and smoke weed here. And you're like, but it was so strict. It was like it switched overnight that you being like, yeah, you could smoke cigarettes here and smoke weed here and you're like, but it was so strict. It was like, it switched overnight that you were like, but I think she knew everything was like set. You're like, no, you got respect. Like I would have parties at my mom's house,

but I'd be cleaning most of the time. Cause like when she would come home, the house would be clean. She never knew I had a party. The only time, the one time she knew I had a party is cause someone stole like this like little statue in the front of our house. They took it which dick move if you're watching this. You're probably a kid from Eagle Crest and you weren't invited. It was a smoky hill. It's a

fucking Eagle Crest Raptors. It was a smoky hill party and you show up and you took my mom's little lady by her garden and that got us all busted. But yeah I would always clean but then you know smoke dinner I would smoke a cigarette after dinner it was very weird like my I'm just like 16 years old I'd be like great prime rib mom I'll do the dishes after I ever when she would like come outside I did I've never spoken cigarettes my mom coming out talking to me about school being like, how's, how's biology? Like it's fucking, it's crazy. And they go. So it was like,

I had a perfect mixture of that because I get it. Your mom was like, yeah, he come and go easy, please. How do you feel? And then your dad's like, no hip hop, no no dancing no colored socks Which is so funny cuz now it's like if you follow me on Instagram I have like these like trumpet videos with my dad where he's covering WAP by Cardi B your dad did an incredible cover of Odie Spodey dopealicious Outcast which is like your dad's check out go check out Kelsey's videos with her dad they're fucking incredible he's a mate he's so talented he's so funny and like genuinely loves hip-hop and R&B and rap and loves covering these videos on

trumpet but he was just I think so protective of me as a kid that I don't I don't fully get we've talked a lot about it as an adult we need to relax why are we guys so strict and they're like very cool and normal now but But when I was young, it was, was there a moment you remember when it relaxed? I mean, I was out of the house. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not going to happen in the house when you're not allowed a CD. You're right. I mean, my mom, it took my sister dying from home to go, you want to smoke cigarettes. And you're like, thank you. Could be heroin. I'm very interested in heroin. That's what I'd say to kids now is this threatened way worse shit from your parents. Here you go. I could be trafficked. I'm vaping.

Yeah, no, you're right. Yeah. But when it was, it when you came back from college and he was just kinda like, hey, I'm cool now. Yeah, maybe a little older than that. I feel like I was in my, maybe like mid-20s. He and my stepmom both started to loosen up a little bit. I don't know exactly why. Do you want a soda? Yeah.

What's going on? Would you like a Coca Cola beverage? Whoa, can you step back for a second? Was smoking cigarettes in the house worth killing your sister? Yeah. Okay. I'd do it again.

No, I didn't get to smoke in the house, it was in the backyard. Oh backyard, I didn't realize that. And I think it was just my mom being like, you've seen how rough life can be. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, she goes, do you need a cigarette? I could use one. Fuck walking it off, smoke it up.

For real, and I can't recommend it more. Cause there's something about going through something. You know that picture of that black lady that's like working at the fast food thing and she's like there like this with the cigarette? It's like a famous meme. I can smell that meme, I can feel that meme. Cause there's times where your feet hurt

and you sit down and you smoke a cigarette and you just go This is exactly what I need. It's just like I miss smoking Interesting so much. Did you smoke cigarettes never did because my mom used to come home from work and she would watch Days of our lives. Okay recorded. Yeah her story. Did she call him her stories? Yeah, and she would rip heaters in the living room Inside smoke is disgusting and I'd come downstairs for one second to be like just let you know I'm going out with my friends and then they come pick me up and I'm like, what the fuck have you been doing? Yeah You were the house that I would go to to get out of trouble for smoking

So I would go to your house even though I was Or I would smoke a cigarette and go home and they're like, where were you back? Chad Daniels. And they'd be like, oh yeah, yeah. That dirty, dirty Daniels house. But that smoking inside like that, especially where you live, that would be a nightmare. Filth.

It'd be a fucking nightmare. My mom would say, you want to wash your clothes? And I'd go, why? Yeah. Do you got an outside washer? Filthy parent. You know I love my Mack Weldon. You know how how good it feels. It's all soft but it's nice, fits but it also looks nice. Looking confident doesn't mean calling attention to your clothes and that's why Mack Weldon balances classic pieces with updated details to keep you looking sharp.

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Go to mackweldon.com and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more with the promo code DAN. That's m-a-c-k-w-e-l-d-o-n dot com promo code DAN. Let's get back to the podcast. Let's jump right back into it. Right guys? When she, when you like, when she moved out, she's still alive. Yeah.

Um, did she move out? Did you ever like look at the ceiling ceilings of smokers houses? There's a thing you can Google where people like clean the ceilings of where people lived and they smoked. It's wild. They'll like see how white that is. It'll be like you'll think it's painted like a gold and then they'll like wash it and you're like whoa. Oh my god. As I get older all I Google is like cleaning videos like extreme, you know, like in a hoarders when they take everything out. I don't know why that's my that's my Dr. Pimple popper.

I was just gonna ask if you're like a pimple popper. I don't like Dr. Pimple popper. But you show me a room get cleaned out. Power washing decks. Woo. Yeah. I watch it all day. I'll watch it all.

How much psi is that? They're just fucking they're gonna rip that wood apart. If somebody comes up to me in the middle of one of those videos and goes, wanna touch tips? I'd be like, all right, just cause. First off, you got three questions. Is that electric or gas? You're gonna do the whole deck.

Don't come on me. But yeah, dude. I have two questions and a statement, a firm statement. Do not come on me. Three is a rule. It is not a statement, a firm statement. Do not come on three is a rule. It is not a recommendation, but it is. I love the older I get. I like watching shit get cleaned.

Like I used to probably like five, 10 years ago get really high. And I used to like going on YouTube and watching dudes cut off their dreadlocks. Oh, my God, that sounds so satisfying. But they have like. and by the way, people caught on and they started making videos of this. They'll have like thick ass dreads, like thick ass dreads, and then you'll watch them because it's a process where they have to like

take off the dreads individually, and then they like, but watching them wash their head for the first time after that, you're like, that's gotta feel so good to have that much hair than take it off and touch your scalp because it takes forever to grow dreads. So they've been growing them for fucking 1015 20 years and then to cut it all off. Have you ever really tingly scale? Yeah,

like a Tom Hanks castaway shower. Oh, yeah, years in the fuck. Oh my goodness. Did you ever buzz your head? Some ladies have. No, I did have, I went through a Rihanna phase in college. Nice. Like every white girl that thinks. So you had the smooth back.

She had that like really short, like that pixie cut. I had a. So that's close, that counts. Cause you had, you felt the water like. F felt the wind on my scalp. That's nuts. It feels so good. Yeah. Do you ever grow your hair long? Not too long. No, like that because I have puffy hair. So it it's like when I walk it would go. Because we're we all wanted the butt cut the perfect fold. I down to about probably here. So that's the longest I got. Okay.

What's the butt cut? Like it's the middle, the middle. And then it comes over like this. And you can buzz if you want under. You can do the undercut. That's what skaters do. It was the undercut. But I grew mine. I was just waiting tables here in the city. And I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to grow my hair. And I went through like so much awkward phase of where it's like this long. And it's just like come straight out

and you're like, yeah, I'll get through this. But then it got long. And then when I fucking cut it off for the first time, I was like, I took that shower. I was like, this feels incredible. What was your inspiration for growing it long? Do you remember? I was like, I wonder what it looks like.

Because when I was in eighth grade, I had it long down to here, and it looked good. It was straight. It just fell beautifully. I don't know what happened. It came out clunky and thick and weird. It was clown hair. It just, yeah.

Ronald McDonald. It grew in a wavy way. I look like a Dick Tracy villain. That's what I look like, where I was like, this is fucking ridiculous. And then one day I was just like fuck it I'm gonna cut it and it was the best feeling in the world oh but now I think I might start going back to watching those dread videos because it's satisfying to watch. Do you get to hear the cutting? They do like don't a lot of times they do that

VO where they go so first I shampooed my head and then I went but you see the reaction where they go like oh when they like see him oh you know what's another great video there's a a hairstylist and he takes like older black women and gives them a glow up god that's such a good video like he shows women and they're like their hair is like thinning or it's like bad or whatever and he'll like find a way to like give him a haircut and do full makeup. And you just see like,

he's older black woman be like, oh, they're so happy with how they look. And you're like, that fucking rules. He's a fucking wizard. Yeah, the internet is, does have good stuff. Yeah, that reminds me of the guys that when they're, like someone's in chemo, and they have to shave their head.

And then they just go right down the middle. The people start crying in the chair and then they give them a hug. And then someone else from the barbershop will come over and do the same thing. You're like, what the fuck's going on? Is humanity real? Oh, it's real.

Now, let me tell you the opposite. It's something I've been fucking waiting to bring up. Something that made Katie and I, and I wish Katie was here because it's a point that we have talked about. Joey Gladstone, full house Dave Coulier, sure comedic icon, cut it out, got cancer. And I think they did that. But he got cancer. And his co star and lifelong friend, John Stamos, put on a bald cap.

He put on a bald cap. He put on a bald, he put on a bald cap and then surprise Dave Coulier. And Dave Coulier had to do this thing where he was like, Oh, John, I love you. I'm going to show it to you. So he put on like a swimmer's cap to go, I'm, we're in this together. Absolutely not. What a fucking chode. What a chode dude. That is such a chode move.

Isn't it? That's disappointing. And it's, and then, uh, and then of course the next thing is Dave Colier defends John Stamos bald cap after fans call it shallow gesture and you're like, cause it is, it's a shallow gesture. He goes, John, shave your head. He goes, Oh no, no, no, no, no. Are you out of your fucking mind? I want to be there for the person that did go like well shave your head Don't do any of don't do a bulk because listen I'm sure there's a lot of people who it's like close friend has cancer and they see them lose their hair and they are there

For them, but like their way of supporting is not to shave their head and that's okay you can still be a great friend yes but once you put a fucking bald cap on now you're just being an asshole just stop just don't do it you never had to do any of this go out of your way to go like I'm not gonna do the thing for you but I'm but I want credit That's like going bing bong and he opens his door and he goes look I look like an idiot just like you wow That's crazy I mean it's not real

My hair's still in my hair It's still in my hair I don't have to answer I don't want to like oh god no I'm going on a date later I just We're friends Put this on the internet I want credit I want credit I want credit Hey everyone think credit. I want credit.

Hey everyone, think I'm the best friend ever. Oh look, oh, it's not real, fucking, it's just him taking it off around Dave Kugel. Well, that's over. I just him pulling it off and going, oh. Thank God. Oh fuck, I need to get that, yeah dude. I would've shaved it, but I have a Beach Boys gig gig I'm gonna play the congos for the Beach Boys. Yeah, that's such a hot guy move when like hot people

I don't think we I've tried to make this point before on other episodes I don't think we track hot people well enough and that's why there's so much problems in the world because coming down off living your life as a hot person is like the DTs. It's like the DTs of society. Like you're like everything opened for you your whole life, right? Doors, wallets, opportunities. And then all of a sudden, the door's jammed. It won't open as hard. The wallets not opening. People don't want you around as much. It's got

to be very difficult. And I'm saying this from an empathetic standpoint. We need to start tracking hot people like wildlife and having social services. Tagging them. Yes. With maybe like an aura ring. Yes. That's how we tag them. Yes. Because guess what? I'm hearing you, you're saying it as an empathetic person and I'm hearing it as someone who has had

to help someone through this. I'm just kidding. What is happening right now? I'm supposed to be saying that. That was such a good joke that I was like, that's going to get brought up at the show later. The shows are canceled. Podcasts are canceled. Huntington Beach, get your tickets now.

Mortgage is canceled. You're a hot person, but you're like a realistic person. Well, there's like, I can already, as someone that's had a conversation with Kelsey, you can tell, I'm talking about the people that are like show aloof that they don't understand that it's a limited time That's exactly it bald cap hot where you go. That's someone needs to pull you aside You need someone from the city to come and talk to you and go what are you doing? That's clearly a guy who doesn't have friends around him anymore that are like honest honest and unafraid to be like

hey man yeah i know you're john stamos i'm also your friend and this isn't going to go well like that's crazy that he has to have a lot of people in his life and nobody was like don't do that you know how long it takes to accurately put on a Hollywood bald cap? It takes. It's not fun. It's not longer than shaving your head and growing it back. You could have shaved your head. Got the real credit.

I would almost have respect for John Stamos now if he was like, you know what? Fuck it. And then did it. I'd be like, yeah. Because then he learned. Yeah, he learned a lesson. But I feel like hot people, this is why you see so many, like a lot of Karen videos or a lot of like dudes flipping

out at the gas station, because it was like, those guys might've been the hottest dude in their town till they were 25. And then all of a sudden now they got thick fucking ankles in a beer gut and they're like, I'm fucking, I was the homecoming king. That's why you gotta track these motherfuckers. Because then you're not in a post office,

you're not waiting at the post office with some guy losing his shit. And you go, oh, he was a hot guy. There's people in our business that have a lot of power that you immediately go, you used to be hot. And that's how you do things. And that's why everything's broken, is because you are using the brain of a hot person and we need a nerd we need a real nerd in here

to do what well there's also a lot of people in our business that never were hot yes that run things and you go oh this is just revenge yes yes Mike and I were talking about this as we're setting up the cameras this is the funniest stand-up is the funniest job for me because the pool of people that are whether doing comedy booking comedy around comedy you have Dorks like the three of us that are just silly geese That just want to run around and joke around and can't believe you know what I mean And then there's other people in this business that like should be running Fortune 500 companies.

And they're like CEOs and they go, that's not why I'm here, it's for profit margin. And I go like, I don't know if that Dudley Dewright that's gonna work. And they go like, profits are dropping in Q3. Okay, we were selling sweatshirts, we were selling koozies. Those have dropped off. What's our summer retail look like?

It's just, and it's all mixed together. And you have no idea, because those people are very good at wearing a schlubby sweatshirt and going like, I don't care about anything, dude. And you go, but I, but you're very good at business. It just feels weird. It's a weird.

And so you see the hots that are like, I was hot, this door opens, versus the people that are like, I was hot. This door opens versus the people that I was like, I was never hot and everyone's gonna fucking pay. And then like they're like, and they're coworkers. Oh, this is just fucked. This is just the spectrum in comedy is maybe the biggest out of anything. Yeah. Yeah, because athletics is like, you know, you gotta be good at a sport. You can have different personalities in athletics.

Absolutely. You still have to have that same talent level and drive. There's like a, there's like a thing about everyone that works in athletics, where there's like drive is in them. Like they want to make the organization great. They want the team to be great or the player to be great. There's that, I would say like in business profit and like that, that drive of like, I want to make a profit. Comedy, it can be anything. They can just go like I make noises and they go you're a millionaire. You're in. Yeah. Versus like I went to Wharton School of Business. Like it was so funny. I always

remember like you know and I use them as a reference but it's no disrespect. Piff the Magic Dragon, it would always be so funny when I wouldn't be selling any tickets and then the staff would be like, well, Piff's coming. So rent's paid the next three months. And you're like, oh man, good for him. Him and his dog dress up as a dinosaur and they make their fucking waitresses rent. It always blows my mind how many people are in comedy.

Cause there's people that it's like, you should be at the Pentagon. You should be running the Pentagon right now versus like, leave this silly geeshit. This is all we can do. It's wild. They'll have conversations. Sometimes I'll get stuck in a conversation at the cellar where they're talking about like market value. And I go like, why? Or you hear somebody go, uh, you know, the jester was the only person that could make fun of the king.

And you would have been the fucking king. You did. Dude, we were watching, um, I was in Pittsburgh and Sean Murphy and I were at the, we were at the improv. And we went, walked over to the movie theater and watched gladiator to like the day it came out super pumped and we were watching it and we were talking about the guys that make comedy sound dangerous. Where they're like, we're modern warriors.

We're out there battling. And I was like, there's a part in Gladiator 2 where there's just like glitter covered gay guys playing harps. And they're going like often off into the king we go. And I leaned over to Sean and I go, that's who we would have been. It's like, we're not modern gladiators. We would have been glittered little power bottoms

that got, if we were lucky, got a little bushel of grapes to eat after our assholes got rearranged by a thinker, by a guy that goes, the moon doesn't disappear, it orbits. And I'd go like, ah, off into the little thing. My little flute. Paul Franz fanning a king's feet. Yeah. Here you go.

Go get my tiger. And I go, one day I'll fucking kill you. Then hop on the horse, I can't, I'll walk today. I would rather prance beside you, my lord. Because the moon orbits. I have what the doctors call a prolapsus retinus. A red sock, if you will. Your asshole hangs out of your body.

Oh my god. The thought that we were like, dude, this is the only time in the world that comedians could walk around society and not get, they used to throw tomatoes at us. Like they used to throw fucking, they would have, they're like, yeah, the vegetables have gone bad. They go, I am going to a show. And they'd just be like, shut the fuck up.

And yeah, dude, that's so funny. I had a buddy, Kevin Williams, it was his last night performing on the road. He quit comedy. Oh shit. Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Shout out. And I go to the Black Hills. I go get ready, because this is your last show. We have to make it memorable. And I threw a tomato at him and it was low ceilings. And so it just stayed right above the heads of all the people clipped his shoulder, and then exploded and went back on the backdrop. What

I didn't know is that the backdrop was a very expensive AIDS quilt that they had bought to donate. And it was fucking covered in tomato. And the owner walked up and she goes, Well, you're not getting paid this week. And I go, What's that about? And then they told me afterwards, it was fucking covered in tomato and the owner walked up and she goes well You're not getting paid this week and I go what's that about and then they told me afterwards It was this giant and like why is it behind? The clowns don't put it behind the clowns It is a miracle your kids ate with the amount of weekends you didn't get paid for doing shit like that. That is fun

Yeah, it's also funny that you kids you come home you go dad, why didn't you get paid? You go, so there's a virus. They believe a man had sex with a monkey and then it spread through the bath houses of San Francisco. Dude, an AIDS quill is the worst case scenario. It really is. They go, that was for her brother. Yeah. Jesus Christ. And go, I walked the streets in a house. Dad, are we having children? And he got fired and he was humming Philadelphia by Bruce Springsteen.

He just walked up the stairs going, na na na na na. Na na na na na. No place in the streets of Philadelphia. I got to go home and tell everybody I didn't get paid. Are you? Every time Jack gets fired, he sings a Bruce Springsteen song. It's kind of his way.

It's his wailing. Dude, that is fucking wild. Also, great shot. We can talk about it now. Off the shoulder splashback. Yeah. 100. Can't do it better. 10 out of 10.

That's what you want every time Chad You got to throw the first pitch of the twins game last year. How nerve-racking was that? It's fun You weren't scared smoked it. Well, here's what I was worried about So I had been practicing a pitch I used to throw when I was in high school Where you don't let go of the ball on your follow-through you go all the way under your armpit and kind of throw it over Your back brother This ain't jumping rope. That's a trick pitch. Right.

That's something that only someone with the flexibility of a 17 year old could do. Well, I went to the park and I practiced it. By himself. Yep, by myself. Guy, mom, that guy's back. No, there's no question. The guy's back. No, there's no question. The guy's back.

People got out of their car, went to the back door to get their dog, saw me, and then went back to the driver's seat and pulled back. And they were, you gotta, you gotta fuck it. How many people went, you gotta fucking see this. I love that. I would have gone inside immediately and gone, Kenny, come here.

Not just throwing to nobody, but throwing like there's something seriously wrong with him. What are you doing? Throwing around his back. I'm like, oh. So just for the people at home, you throw around. You bring it all the way around. And you're bent over because you're pitching.

So you twist. Yeah, and then you throw it over you don't let go until it's fine So you I mean that is and I used to throw that and it was really fun because they would call it a Bach Even though it wasn't because a Bach and baseball is off. You left the mound. You have to start the movement and then Bail right and so it's a continuous motion And so we had a bench clear and brawl one time over this pitch. It was awesome. And you could put it in the strike zone. Once in a while. Yeah.

Once in a while is what? Well, probably half. Okay, that's fucking dude. I thought you were gonna say like one out of 10. No, probably half the time. So I thought it would be, you know, I'm a comedian gonna throw out the first pitch. Yeah, do a wacky throw. And I get there and they go, oh, the mascot that is catching

can't really see out of their face. They're probably not going to catch your pitch no matter what. And I go, well, I need him to catch this one because that's the point of it. And then I go, well, fuck, I guess I'm just going to go out there and throw a normal pitch. But he hadn't been practicing any normal pitches. Throwing a regular ball in forever.

He had just committed to this clown move for weeks and then got up there and still managed to smoke it. How nerve wracking was that? It was kind of, cause I- It was the most nervous I've ever seen him in a relationship. I will tell you that I didn't even wait for them to announce my name. That's so funny, he's go, it's over Tom Trottinghills.

Yeah, I just, I showed the guy the ball so he knew it was coming. And it wasn't even the fucking mascot that caught the ball. They sent out the third base coach, which was super nice to do. And then I just threw it. I don't know. Did you get it in the strike zone?

Blacked out. That's sick. It was a good one. That's sick. First pitch is, it's gotta be nerve wracking. It was. Yeah, it's just the whole baseball stadium's there. I was trying to be cool,

but I know for a fact that everyone could just smell it on me. Trying to be cool is, it know for a fact that everyone could just smell it on me trying to be cool Is it's the best part of growing up is realizing that it's the worst thing you can do Yeah, and and you don't learn that until you hit like 35 and then all of a sudden you go like oh I was trying so hard. I think about my 20s and immediately I go Oh, I just my entire 20 twenties was something I wasn't or trying to be something I wasn't. You're like, fuck. So it's good. Only do a first pitch after the age of 35. That's a good idea. Cause then you just go fucking kids. I knew I wasn't

cool. I end of seventh grade. I had a buddy sleeping over. Huge party was going on at this girl's house. My parents go, are their parents going to be there? And I go, yeah, you can call. Well, we had someone in our grade answer the phone and pretend to be the mom. Okay. And my parents had me when they were 18. So they were onto everything I ever did. Oh, I didn't realize. I forgot your parents were young parents. That would have worked on my mom. She was 35 when she had me. I would have absolutely been able to. Immediately on it. So my mom's on the phone, looks at my dad, kind of gives him a knowing like, it's somebody that is in his grave. They hang up and they go, uh,

like Mrs. Doubtfire voice. This is not a sleep over here, right? We have breakfast in the morning. That sounds like Bill Cosby fucked Mrs. Doubtfire. Cause I didn't, I put something in the drink and under the face was different than the face down the side when I went to sleep and I was like, but he could stay. But he could stay. So they say, they say there's no way you're going to this thing.

And we, we figured that that was gonna be the case So I had an egress window where you go out and you there was a wooden plywood cover because my bedroom was in the basement Oh, dude, I know exactly Yeah, did you had the basement rooms are key for sneak out because that little fucking thing outside the window where you go and You could also smoke weed in those things. Those are great and you could also smoke weed in those things. Those are great. Man, fucking middle school or high school getting high if someone's house, if they had like basement windows

with the little fucking thing outside it. Chimney it. You just get outside and then you're just outside in this little fucking rounded and you're like, oh, it's great. So you snuck out. Well, we snuck out, but we were gonna ride our bikes. Okay.

Bike tires. This is seventh grade? Seventh grade. Okay. Bike tires. This is seventh grade? Seventh grade. Okay. Bike tires were flat. So I was like, this is weird. So I go to the corner of the garage where the pump is. Gone.

Dad, holding the pump going, looking for this. Ho! Yeah. Ho! Yeah. And then we turned around to walk out of the garage and my mom shut the garage door and she goes, where are you guys going?

Yeah, they fucking teamed up. Whoa! Wild. How, now we're old enough. You met, that was such a highlight for them? Oh, I promise you, yeah. Like they, like you went down, you were so mad when you were downstairs

and they were like, that rocked. Oh, they probably, they probably, your mom complimenting your dad, your mom's being like, and then when you were all like, looking for this, he's like, and then you fucking, bam, pop out, pop, pop, pop, where the fuck y'all going? Oh, their face? Let's go make another one. Yeah, oh, absolutely.

They were like, you wanna go upstairs with me? God, that really fucking juiced my bits. Do you wanna go upstairs the way you fucking Batman our kid? Absolutely kept their marriage together for five more years. No question. Prank your kids dude. That's the lesson. Just fucking team up against your children.

Train them to be what you know adversaries, worthy adversaries and then have a mental competition. Dude, sneaking out was, god damn, was there anything more fun than sneaking out, getting away with it? Because it was just the adrenaline. Did you sneak out? I've never snuck out. Were you too afraid of your dad and stepmom?

I just wasn't light, like at my mom's house, she was very, like I said, pretty loosey goosey with rules, but at my dad's, there wasn't anywhere for me to even sneak out Too we're gonna sneak out you and I yeah, you guys gotta sneak out Do an adult sneak out we're gonna sneak out and toilet paper somebody's house. Yes Yeah, we are. Oh Kelsey live. We're adults. So there's no chance Not this fucking guy. Yeah, it's goes that's what you don't know is in the state of Minnesota, it's aggravated assault. And you go, you go, whoa, whoa.

I've been such a good kid my whole life. And then at 36, I get arrested. You get a rap sheet for fucking, dude. When did you turn 36? Today. Yeah, happy birthday, Kelsey. Welcome to the death of realizing you're not cool. Thank you.

After 35 you realize it sucks ass. I know you kept saying that and I was like, oh fuck, it's my first day out of 35. Hello, first day on the job. Sneaking out is the best. Seems like a real rush. It is. It's the closest anyone should come to robbing a bank. I don't think anyone should actually rob a bank.

But when you sneak out, when you get back, it's the return that's the scariest part. You have to sneak back in. The sneaking back in. Everyone talks about the sneaking out, but that you know. You know how everything sounds leaving. You don't know how stuff sounds coming back in.

Shutting the door, the window, locking it, different stuff. Oh, fuck, dude. I got so good at it. I know you're just seeing this now, mom, but I was so good at it. I was a master, too. I would just go out, but I would sneak out to smoke cigarettes with my friends.

This is like eighth grade. And so I would go downstairs and then sneak through the garage. It was pretty easy. We snuck out at my friend's house, who's now the head coach of the Miami Dolphins. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And we used to sneak out to go meet up with this girl

that he ended up like, ended up becoming his girlfriend. But we were in like seventh grade and we would sneak out and it was terrifying because they had a nicer house. So there was a lot more windows so the like the light coming in you'd be like ah you're like no no go go go go go and he was just he was like a surgeon because he did it all the time but when you're with him you're like oh and then if you get caught you're like you're immediately when you're the friend a lot of parents will go like, it's cause of him.

They don't want to blame their kid. Of course. They go, your friend made you sneak out. And you go, lady, I'm just spending the night here. I'm just trying to get through to breakfast. I was actually here all night. I slept. I didn't sneak out.

I said no. I said no. I said no. I said no. I said, your mom is a good, hardworking mom and we should stay right in the sheets that she bought for us But yeah, dude sneaking out. There is no adult equivalent. Is there is that is that why people cross the border illegally? Is that there? Is that

I don't know if you've ever snuck out by crossing the border way better They catch him like a why are you here to steal our jobs? He goes, no, just to sneak in. The worst part is sneaking back in. We're watching a bunch of Mexicans climb the border back in. And you're like, what the fuck? It's like a new true TV show.

Sneaking out border edition. Can you get in? There are a bunch of parents that when you turn 16 or 18 or something and they're like, I don't care if you sneak out anymore. So now all these kids, that adrenaline rush isn't there because they can go out the front door. Sure.

So where do they end up? Fentanyl. Wheel wells. Wheel wells. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

You look over my ears bleeding. I'm like, it's full circle. Pretend problems podcast, download it, listen to it. It's hilarious. Chad's got a pillow on that one all the time. That's how you know he's podcasting. If he's got the security pillow, he's ripping a pod. Don't look at my tummy.

Kelsey Cook, happy birthday. Her special is available on Hulu and YouTube. You can go see Mark Territory. Mark your territory. Mark your territory. Damn. I was like, my resin brain, I was like digging through the resin

and I was like, I got it. And then I was like, I don't got it. Thank you, so close. You both are sports fans. Yeah. Yes. You are are sports fans. Yeah. You are a basketball player. So last time you were here, we went through some cards and I got new ones.

1990 hoops. Damn. We did it. Whoa.