Soder - 84: Reheating a Relationship with Jordan Jensen | Soder Podcast | EP 82

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

Support the sponsors to support the show! Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/SODER to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. https://www.zocdoc.com/?utm_medium=audiopodcast&utm_campaign=soder As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.  Talk it out, with Betterhelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/SODER https://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/?go=true&slug=soder&utm_source=podcast&utm_campaign=1378&utm_term=soder&promo_code=soder&landing_page_img=https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FIdYYCSM.png&aff_channel=podcast&discount_rate=10&discount_period=P1M&date_interval=P1M&percentage_off=10&amount=1&amount_spelled_out=one&unit=month&gor=start The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city! Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tour May 29-31 - Appleton,WI June 6 - Red Bank,NJ Sep 5-6 - Phoenix,AZ Sep 25 - Los Angeles, CA Sep 25 Los Angeles, CA Sep 26 Seattle, WA Sep 27 Portland, OR OCT 3 Tucson, AZ Oct 4 Denver, CO Oct 9 Knoxville, TN OCT 10 Atlanta, GA Oct 11 Louisville, KY Oct 24 Providence, RI OCT 25 Nashville, TN NOV 7 San Antonio, TX NOV 8 Austin, TX NOV 13 Iowa City, IA Nov 14 Minneapolis, MN NOV 15 Madison, WI NOV 21 Kansas City, MO NOV 22 St. Louis, MO DEC 5 Vancouver, BC DEC 6 Eugene, OR DEC 12 Columbus, OH DEC 13 Royal Oak, MI Follow Jordan Jensen https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@jordanjensenlolstop?lang=en PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  Mike Lavin  @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Hey guys, I'm on the road always. I mean we got the golden retriever tour coming up in September, but I'm always on the road Remember that I'm always with you Go to danceholder.com see all my dates, but june 6th I'm at the count baisey center in red bank new jersey one show Closest sold out. It'd be really awesome if we did sell it out then Syracuse new york i'm at the funny bone Bone June 13th and 14th for four shows. And then Stanford, Connecticut, New York Comedy Club in Stanford, June 20th and June 21st for four shows. Dancer.com for all my dates. Thank you for letting me plug you. I plugged

the shit out of you. but not in a sexual way were you ever afraid of getting kidnapped no I could have been abducted a thousand times my mom forgot me everywhere everywhere when you were little do you ever remember being like I could get kidnapped. No. One time I was walking to school. Should we save it? Oh we can, we just start. Oh great. Yeah I'm bad at doing intros.

You know Jordan Jensen. Of course. She's one of the best comedians working. Of course. She's gonna have a new special soon. I don't even know if I'm supposed to say that. Do you use that TV? What's that?

Do you use that TV? Oh yeah. Do you watch? Oh video games, okay. Yeah video games, and I watch TV. In here? There's no TV in Oh, yeah. It's my video games. Oh, video games. Okay. Yeah. Video games. I don't watch TV. In here? There's no TV in the other room? There's TV in there. Two TVs? Yeah. That's how we are so in love. Look at that window. Oh, yeah. It's a good window. That's a big window. I'll bust it. I'll bust it. You don't have that much money. No, she does. Oh, great. Great. Great. Perfect. Well, we both,

we both meet in the middle. We pay half. That's how we're able to live here. Right. I would be in it, honestly. It's what I would be paying if I lived by myself. It's not exorbitant. It's like how much I would pay probably for a one bedroom. Like, no way. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Oh, no, not told.

Oh, OK. Gotcha. Gotcha. OK, we that's totally dude. You know what I don't like about that? If you you find love your life gets easier. It should get harder No, that's what one loves. You should be punished. The whole point of love is to make it easier. You should find someone This is just for the future that makes your life easier Yeah, we're foolishly thinking you want someone that's like we buy into the movies and songs Yes foolishly thinking you want someone that's like we buy into the movies and songs we were like to program by movies and songs to be like I got a chaser down at the airport that's a toxic relationship I shouldn't make a lot of

airport chases have you really like post 9-eleven how do you even do that oh it's a very good point I've done post I land no I, I'm about to take off. I'm like I'm flying. It's over Chase him down t out t out t out. It's not actually over. Okay, bye. It's not actually over by the way I was just kidding when I said that right That's a dopamine hit though. I get a lot of dopamine. I'm going like we're done and then you're like ground yourself and you're like Coming back dude. Yeah starting it back up though. Oh, it's the best. It's great.

It's the only time I've ever had sex. It's the- Is on the back start. As you go, you know how, you know you're gonna have to get me in bed, and he goes, Yeah. You fucking bitch, it's over.

Yeah, yeah. And you go, oh! And you go, I think we should give it another shot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That is hilarious. Yeah.

No, we need to be honest with how great reheating a relationship is. It's so good. It's because you're proving you're fulfilling the need that the parents didn't. Like when your parents, when you're little, you'd be like, fine, I'm running away. They'd be like, good luck. Yeah. Oh man, my mom took my avalanche jacket, threw it out in the street. Cold. Trish was cold as ice. Wait, what? I was like, I'm gonna run away. And I had a giant Colorado avalanche white jacket, which made me look like a chick. Yeah, totally.

And my mom. Hot chick though, a rich chick. Very, like a hair pull back, could fight chick. That's the kind of white jacket that was with the 90s writing on it. Oh my God. But the avalanche were new in Colorado. My mom got me a jacket and I love her.

We've gotten over that it wasn't the greatest jacket. But we were fighting and she, and I was like, maybe I'll run away. And she goes to the coat closet and grabs my coat and fucking opens the front door and just goes, and just throws the jacket out. And she goes, fucking go ahead. I like that.

I like that because she's also being like, don't die, but also get the fuck out of here. I'm not going to freeze to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can get raped. Don't stay here. A lot. You can get on needle drugs if you need it.

But there is like a thing of when you're in a breakup and then you break up and then you go like, maybe we try it again. There is. I've done that nine times in this relationship. Really? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

That's not good. I think nine actually is under. That's not gonna make your life easier. The whole premise was making your life easier. I've never been in a relationship where I don't do that, never once. I've been with the sweetest, nicest man of all time, and I still was like, it's over.

And he'd be like, no. And I'd be like, yes. And then I'd go, it's over, it's over, it's over. And he'd go, please don't, please don't. And. And he'd be like, no. And I'd be like, yes. And then I'd go, it's over, it's over, it's over. And he'd go, please don't, please don't. And then finally he'd be like, fine. And I'd be like, what the fuck? Did you just say that? I need you, I fucking need you.

And then you guys would get back together and it would be white hot. It's the only hurdle. That's Myrtle trying to get on the podcast. It's the only. She goes, I disagree with that whole theory. Love should be balanced and filled with belly rubs. I like her a lot.

Let her in here. No, dude, she will take over the podcast. Anytime we- She is a bit of a hog ham. Yeah, every time we've let her run around, it just becomes us going like, what? What even is she? What kind of a dog is she?

12 different breeds. Yeah, 12, same as my dog. Yeah, super mutt. They're the best. Yeah. They're the best dogs. They got a lady at the park. When I first got her,

we were in Hoboken at the dog park and this lady goes, what is she? And I go, she's a super mutt. Yeah. She goes, you shouldn't call her a mutt. I know there are people who feel that. Oh, is that their N word? I don't think it is. I've never had a dog go, please don't call me mutt. Yeah, please don't say that. Yeah. I do call my dog the N word a lot. I go, she's a super N. I just say the N word. Oh, I won't say mutt. I just go to the next one. The lady's like, what the fuck?

Will Sylvain said the other day, I was like, do you call your dog the N word just randomly? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, what? And I was like, I mean, no. I do, I call her all the time. She is black, dude. She is black.

So is Myrtle. Really? Yeah, but I use the A. I use an A, of course, unless she's bad. I don't know. Of course, an A. It's my dog. I love her. Dude, that dog park, it's the shit.

It's a good dog park. Hoboken's got good dog parks. Are we in Hoboken? No, we're in Manhattan. Oh, yeah, Hoboken's in Jersey. New Jersey, where we used to live. And there's, and we're... Yeah, where do you go now?

Uh, like over there. that park's not good. Yeah. Like long walks. I just take her on long walks. And then we're going to Big Jay's house this weekend. He's got a yard. So we're gonna let her fucking turn loose. When Myrtle gets to turn loose.

I go to Prospect every day. That's why I live in Brooklyn. Yeah, Prospect Park's fucking great. She rips it up. She ripped it up today. I offended a lady in a big hat. Really? Dude, I lost my voice last. Offended a lady in a big hat. Really? Dude, I lost my voice last week,

very scary for the special taping. She ran up to two Hasidic women. Yeah. And one of them started screaming bloody murder, running away from her, being like, yeah! And I couldn't command, I couldn't be like, Coyote, leave it. That's all I had to say was leave it.

Why was the lady freaking out? Because Coyote, she didn't see Coyote, so Coyote ran up to her and then she turns and goes, ah. And then, you know, Coyote got pumped and was like, oh, we're playing? And then she took off and Coyote took off running after her and I couldn't say anything. And the girl was screaming and she was like, make it stop.

And I had to run up to her and grab her and be like, stop. Stop running. You're too pro-Palestine. It was so funny. You're too pro-Palestine. You don't have to wear skirts that are that long. Stop running. You're too pro-Palestine. It was so funny. Yeah. You don't have to wear skirts that are that long. Pants are actually more coverage than skirts. I was in the park and there was a pro-Palestinian dog. Yeah. And it chased me. She does look like a little Palestinian. Yeah, that's funny. It looks like she'd have a little... Give me back our land. We lived there for thousands of years.

We are not just Arabs. We are Palestinians. And she's like, why are you? My dog's just like a fat Midwestern. She's just like, you got treats. That model's just like, treats. I want, oh, I can't even say, dude, I'm saying it loud. I'm gonna get down in case you're like, why are you yelling the T word?

Oh my God. Wow. She is like that. She's a Midwestern casserole dog. Yeah, she's just like, I want food right now. I was in Minneapolis. They all rest their hands like this on their bellies. Like little otters? I was looking out in the audience and I was like, you guys, you cannot get used to that.

They just had pot bellies and they're like laughing. Yeah, they go, why do humans use tables when they have these perfectly good bellies? It was the South Park Science Child episode. Yeah. Dude, I think, I'm not getting away from this relationship thing, because the fact that you spike it to bring it back up. Oh, please. I love talking about it.

But at least you know it's you. Oh, yeah. Are there men in therapy because of you? Because of you? Oh, yeah. Because you waterboard your fucking boyfriends with love? You go, oh, yeah. I can't take it.

And you go, tell me a secret. He's like, I'm fucking changing down at the airport. No, a guy you know I had to put in therapy. I had to make amends to him. It was, it was, you won't, I'll tell you. It was, and- Oh man, sorry guys, subscribe to the Patreon if you want the real goss.

I don't have a Patreon. But it would be funny just to start it with all the names I redact. You don't have a Patreon? That's great. Good. Dude, I'm about the people, man. Viva la raza, dude.

I don't know if it's this. Yeah. I did that. I did it. You'd hit it with a little this. Play it back. Play it back. Can we go to the clip?

We got headphones on. Or I'll tell the one. My best friend Brianna, who's the one that's most similar to me and you that we're talking about, and B and Ian, where you would get so high and have FUD fights. We would go like this and FUD each other's foreheads. That was the ultimate win when you were able to go like, that's sick. That is fun. You put someone I know in therapy is wild. And they were like, I need you to apologize to me.

No, I apologize. Cause I went through SLAA to sex and love addicts. Got it. And you were like, that was my bad. I was like, that was fucked. I was like that was fucked up Yeah, I was fucked up. That's gonna be nice getting an apology. Yeah, people love it. It is The knife in a little deeper where they go, you know, really you did fuck me out. Yeah Yeah, you're saying I'm sorry did say this thing and you go. Yes. I did. Yes. Yes I apologize one time cuz I did a joke about a girl that went on a special and I was like,

hey, I was a little fucking mean about that. Did you say her name? No. Who cares? I felt bad about it. Why? Because I felt like I was playing it up. I felt like I was being a dramatic bitch about it.

I felt like I was like hyping up the joke, but it was a joke. It was for the joke. What was it? Just that rich people are really mean, but she wasn't really mean. She was just kind of like cold. I have a theory that rich people aren't mean

and that it's actually poor people that get rich are mean. Like I've become very mean. The more money I get, the more I'm like, I want the Diet Coke on the plane, no cup, bitch. Oh yeah. I'm like becoming a, the more, because I was a rat. I was a rat child and I used to be a manual labor slave Yeah, so now when they don't do their jobs. Well, you're like fuck. I'm like I've been there

I started from the bottom. Now we're here do it bit I mean, I'm a tyrant have you ever like stepped in and done there'd be no nothing more emasculating and soul-crushing Then like doing the job wrong and you going you did it wrong he's going like of course you don't know what you're talking about then you go like repeat and you do it right he's like fuck oh yeah I was on a movie shoot the other day and they were removing something at the cellar yeah and they were doing and I was like oh my god they're just like missing this screw but I did not it was the first time that I was like you are not gonna bite your tongue you're in a full face of makeup

you will not do this. Yeah. Yeah. Bradley Cooper's like excellent performance. You're like, shut up, Brad. Hey, move. You're doing that wrong. Yeah. The guy's like, I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not even supposed to be here at all. And you go, you did it wrong. Okay. Bye bye. I jumped the bar at the cellar because they like popped a, one of the taps got popped and was spraying everywhere.

And I like jumped over the bar and like fixed it. And the guy was like, you know, I think it was like Hector or something. He was like, I ain't a butter gun. What the fuck? Yeah, I don't have any skills like that. I wish I would have, all I should have done is gone in the garage

when my stepdad was building cars and sat there. Dude, auto mechanic, number one. I can't do any of that, but was building cars. Yeah. Sat there, dude. Auto mechanic. Number one. I can't do any of that, but if I could, I just, any guy who can, yeah, I should have just sat on the stairs of the garage and gone, what are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing?

Do any of it? You're a task rabbit guy. Task. Grab. I'm a little, I fucking please. So tall. I know people think I'm good at basketball. I think, Oh, you're bad at basketball.

I'm all like, I should be a five foot two bald fat little Jewish guy. Yeah, it's going like, oh, I've gotten more sillies everybody. Yeah, and everyone goes, yeah And instead it was like, hey, you could ranch and I go feel how soft my hands are. What is that? I don't know. I used to have, I mean, I've done it. I've done Like what did you do in comedy coming up? I was a waiter. Oh, so waiter in the city. Did you grow up poor or regular? No, I grew up suburban. Like, Oh, you're suburban middle-class. Yeah. Like fucking right in the middle. See, that's good. I'm convinced that you guys are the best people at heart.

Yeah. My dad's family, my grandma wasn't, but my dad was poor. My dad was like trailer trash alcoholics. So I'd go, it's, you know, I'd visit him, which was rare, like twice a year up until I was 10, and then it stopped. But I would go out there and go like, oh shit. But I also saw where my addictions were. I like saw it coming. I go, oh, this is-

Are you back on weed? Yeah. Oh yeah, I forget. Yeah, we talked about it. How long did you go without it? Like three months. How was it? Good. Hard yeah. Yeah. We talked about how long did you go without it? Like three months? How was it? Good. Hard. Very hard. Did you? Very good. Good. Very good for a little. Yeah.

And then bad. I was just like, I'm ready to get high again. Yeah. I just don't have the thing in me where I can't smoke weed. And even I'm like, I would love to just be high. Yeah. I would love to do too much. Cause I'm an addict. So I go like, that one has to pull my leash. That one. She's like, you're smoking crazy amount of weed. Really? Yeah. She's like, wake up on the weekend and start fucking like that. Those are all weed. Those are all weed jars. Like it is wake up and just like fucking start smoking. And she's like,

what are you doing? And I'm like, cause I also miss cigarettes more than anything. Yeah. I truly miss cigarettes. Yeah. So smoking to me is like, have a joint, but then I, what happens when you smoke in the morning? This, the fear, the terror, I usually get over that. What do you mean? It's like the sun is out. You walk outside.

Oh, it's nothing scarier than this. Yeah. It is pretty hard. I've gotten, I've gotten too high during the day and you go outside and you're like, all high during the day is pretty hard. I've gotten too high during the day and you go outside and you're like, all high during the day is too high. Yeah. If you get high and you go to an activity, like you're like, we're going to the MoMA for six hours. Oh, get high. That's fine. 100% get high. But just smoking in your house and then like Myrtle has to go outside and you walk out and there's like a nice Manhattan lady who's like, could you help me with my whole food bag? And you're like,

every night I'm like, hey, leave me me alone I put my headphones in so no one talks to me but I keep them off oh yeah your buds in off I do over the ear now so nobody talks to me that's great I do earbuds in so I at least have to go huh yeah but they're off unless I'll do a phone call. We do a podcast tie? All the time. Really? All the time. No fear? Oh, a lot of fear.

So there is fear. You get the panic. Dude, when I quit for those three months, I went and got my haircut in Midtown and I left and I texted Big J. I was like, it was like around the time before they were about to do the bonfire. I was like, yo, are you guys hanging out outside? He's like, dude,

come over. I had just, this was a year ago. This was exactly a year ago. It was Memorial day. Yeah. And it was Katie was like, Hey, you wanted to go to Memorial day sober. You did it. Let's have fun. Like you're going to get high. What do you want to do? And my favorite thing with her is to watch a bad movie. Hi. Yeah. It's like just very fun. And we, I was like, can we watch Pierce Brosnan is James Bond. Great. And we got high and watched the day after tomorrow or something. It was really, really bad. Yeah. And I just had a little bit of weed after three months. I smoked like a bowl, maybe two, three hits, and it was the best. I wasn't scared.

What does this have to do with Memorial Day? So I just know it's Memorial Day is when this happens. So then I get my haircut and I'm like, Jay, where are you at? He's like, we're outside the bonfire. He smokes these joints that are rolled in keef and dipped in like hash. Wait, you did the three months off recently, though, right? That was last year, a year ago. No way. Yeah. You've been was last year, a year ago. No way.

Yeah. You've been smoking straight through through a year? Yeah. I thought recently we talked and you're like, I'm not smoking weed. No. Oh, time's moving so fucked up. Yeah. COVID fucked up.

That's fucked up. Okay. Keep going. But then I got like a little high and then I'm with Jay and Jay's like, I see Jay and all them and then Jay just lights one of those like super joints and passes it to me and I'm like hitting it. And then I'm with Jay and Jay's like, I see Jay and all them. And then Jay just lights one of those like super joints and passes it to me. And I'm like hitting it. And then I'm not even thinking.

It's just old muscle memory. We used to smoke these joints before we do episodes. And it feels so good. And I'm like, oh, this is good. And then he's like, all right, we gotta do the show. And I'm like, too high. Like high school high. Keef high.

Yeah, and I was like, ah. I had to get on the train and come home. And I was like, you didn't know you like, I felt like Odysseus. It felt like a fucking 10 year journey. And I got home and the first thing I said, in your journey though, I accidentally ate a 25, 25 milligram weed. I do not do that. Yeah. That's like, that's a lot. Yeah. And I just thought it was candy and the guy was dating. I was like, was that candy in your fridge? And he was like no and I was like oh, I I ate one and he was like a whole one

I remember him going oh And me being like yeah And he left the room to like laugh hysterically came back and was like it was 25 milligrams And it was it was like oh brother were like every obstacle I could come up against going through the park like jerk. I mean, New York is really good for that. It's crazy. It's crazy to ride the subway out of your mind. And like, I didn't know it was busy because they start to show at 5pm. So it's like rush hour starting. And I'm like on the train and I'm like,

which arm do I grab? Yeah. Oh, it's also funny. Cause you're so tall. It's so funny. You just have a high time guy. But I'm just inside. I'm like, I'm so sorry for getting in your way. And then I came home and Katie was my head back and I was like, how did I do radio like this? Cause we do two hours of radio. Dude, there's old bonfire fans that are watching this. You can find old episodes where you can hear how afraid I am in the first 20 minutes.

Really? Yeah, if you listen to like old- That's what I want, that's what I want. Just Jay being like, yeah, this and this. And I'm going like, no. I just do voices, I'm like, no, I just do voices. I'm like, hey, cause I'm just like fucking spinning, dude. I'm spinning out of my kids.

There's a point where you can just hear you. Oh my God. Points where I'm just like drinking coffee. And I'm like, come on, Dan, come on, Dan. That's what happens to Louis J Gomez on the pod. I'll see, I'll see them rip down a blunt and I'll be like, Jay is not fazed at all. Oh, Jay can walk through anything.

Jay's like, I've done radio with Jay where he's been high where I'm like, it's like watching Superman fly. You're like, how are you this good at talking right now? I'm wrecked. It's insane. It's insane. And then they would smoke so much weed

on Legion of Skanks that I would get contact high. And I would walk over to the cellar and be like have to do a spot and be like I had the view and they'd be like bringing me up you know and they'd be like this next comic and I'd be like no way yeah no whatever happens is not gonna be good and they'd be like Jordan I'd be like that's insane that that's my first name that was given Michael Jordan's last name name. My first name starts with J? That is ridiculous. I'm in African country? Yeah, yeah. Hey guys, it's Dan Soder and I'm afraid of dying a lot.

I'm always worried that something is wrong. And some people call it hypochondria and I say to those people, you are filled with judgment. I am a worrier, it's different. But thank God for ZocDoc, a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. What that does is if there is something wrong with you, BAM! There's this way to solve it. Go right to your phone, pull up an app. We're talking

about booking appointments in-network and more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty from mental health to dental health They got you covered and once you find the right doctor You can see their actual appointment openings choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit Stop putting off those doctors appointments go to Zocdoc.com slash Soder to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today That's Zocdoc.com slash Soder to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c d o c dot com slash Soder zoc doc dot com slash Soder. This is an ad by better help. You know, uh, big fan of therapy, Ben Ben, Ben, Ben all about that life.

If you're not about that life, get into the life, get into the lifestyle. Let's take that word from swingers and give it to therapy. Hey, are you into the lifestyle of fixing your brain? I'd love just to talk while you listen. Go to betterhelp.com. You can find a therapist. That's the hardest part is finding a therapist is one that works for you And the best part about better help is if you find one you book it and then boom now you've got a Therapist I Threw the script away like I was gonna nail it and then there's a point where I was talking where I went like Well, I think I knew this commercial

with it. Like I knew the call to action. Sorry, I'm going to go off book for this one. I've been in therapy. You know what? I'll probably talk about this in therapy. I'll go, I got too confident and toss my phone like a real, but as I was saying, go to therapy. We should all go to it.

And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide better access to mental health professionals with a diverse require a diverse variety of expertise. Plus, you could talk it out with BetterHelp. What I meant to say is plus our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Soder. That's better. H E L P dot com slash soda. My brain is going against itself right now in such a very specific way where it's going.

That's not, that's not what you were supposed to say, but guess what? It is better help.com slash soda. Hey, mean part of my brain suck it. Yeah. Um, I part of my brain, suck it. Yeah. I did getting Doug with High, Okay. Doug Benson show. Yeah.

And we- That's a great name. It's great. And we were getting like hot, we were just smoking bowls. He brings out a blunt, you smoke a joint and then he had a dab rig. And he's like, do you guys wanna do dabs?

And right, for some reason reason right at that moment I Remembered I was like I have a spot at the Hollywood improv Like in an hour and I was like I can't do a dab and then that's so that's God Oh got you a car to and from wherever you're going and I was going to the Hollywood improv and I remember being so high in That uber.ber that I was like, Oh no, we're in a shirt that shows my nipples. I had a black shirt that for some reason, and then that became it didn't show your nipples. You just were able to see them for a moment. It did. Really? Yeah, pretty shortly after that show, cause they did put up pictures. I was like, damn,

look at my puffy ass. And. Oh no, that's worse. And high you realize it and you're like, I can see the bumps. I can see the areola bumps. And that's all I was thinking about. I was like, oh my god, my stupid puffy fucking nipples. And I was just high. Did you acknowledge it?

No, because I was so high I was just trying to talk regular. Because you can't even like, people think when you get high you're like, I'm just gonna say it like it is, but you just go like, give me through this, give me through this, give me through this, give me through this. Dude, and you're dissociating your voices like three feet away from your body.

I was on mushrooms once and I said the same joke where I said, it was something about like, when I'm depressed, I eat a bottle of mustard, blah, blah, blah. But I kept going, when I'm depressed, I eat mushrooms. And like this whole room of people were like, what? And I was like, not mushrooms.

And then I said it again. I was like, when I'm depressed, I eat mushrooms. And then finally, I admitted it. I was like, I'm on mushrooms. And then it was fine. But before that, everything was scaring me. I was having a full panic attack. There was a heckler that was yelling, demon time.

No. How much did you do before you went on stage? It was like cap and stem. OK. So I did that with Ari at Just For Laughs. He was like, we're doing a story. His storytelling show. He was still, this is not happening.

And he was like, we're all going to talk about mushroom stories, and we're all going to do mushrooms mushrooms and I was like, awesome. And it was at midnight, it was like after everything. And I showed up to the Cleopatra and he gives me like two caps and three stems. So like maybe over a gram, not a lot, but I ate it. And then he ate his and then like as the show's about to start he goes, everyone's bailing on doing mushrooms.

It's just me and you. And I was like, oh no, oh no. And then he hosted and brought me up and it was fine until it wasn't. A light went off on the stairs that was like, you know those movie theater stairs, how they have lights under them? This one turned off, turned back on.

And I was like, and then it just was like, I spiraled. It's crazy how it just takes one thing like that. Booze used to be like that. I was very good at monitoring my booze on stage. I used to know a shot and a drink, I'm loose. Two drinks in a shot. I'm a little feisty. A light flickering and you was over.

What's that? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'm a little feisty. A light flickering and you was over. Oh, what's that? Oh yeah, absolutely. I like, I knew how to dose myself for standup. Yeah. And then one time at the cellar, I used to go sneak drink at Triona's around the corner. Yeah.

And- You might have a problem. Oh, I can't. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, no, I quit alcohol. Oh, okay, good, good, good, good. It was like 12 years ago. Oh, okay, okay.

I had a real problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I used to go sneak drink Estee would give me like four Friday spots and I would go around the corner and drink and then I'd come back and just be In a different completely different mood. I know fun so fun. That must have been so fun Don't you hate it when you look back? I was a I was a fun person multiple people. Yeah. Yeah Twelve years going I don't know man. I don't think you should quit. You're too fun. I used to be loving. I used to like accept physical contact and tell people that how I appreciated

them. Now I'm like, yeah, the hugs. I used to be okay with hugs. You have me forehead to forehead conversations. Oh my God. That's why I miss Coke. My friends the other night were all in Coke and they're like Jordan. And I was like, I don't have it in me anymore, dude. I don't have the super bond. I can't get it. Super bomb, super bomb. Yeah. I know that I've only met you once. We have a spiritual connection and I really think that you're going places.

Drunk. I would just be like grabbing the back of a friend's head against my head and I'm like, keep fighting. Yeah. We're just outside of fucking, we're just outside of Rudy's on 41st. And I was like, you gotta keep fucking fighting smoking cigarettes. But there was one time where Esti gave me a very late spot. Yeah. And I was very drunk and I like, I knew I was in trouble cause I was cocky about it. Like they were like, the bartender at Trionas is like, aren't you on at like 1.15 or whatever?

And it was like one. And I was like, I'm fucking, I'll finish my drink. I'll go fucking do a spot and I'll come right back for another fucking drink. They're like lighting up a cigarette, like later, pussies. And I went over there and when I tell you I bombed, I forgot how to talk. I was so drunk that I was going like,

like you were doing mustard with mushrooms, but I was going like, you guys, you guys ever, and the feeling, the accurate feeling that I've said every time I've brought this story up is it felt like I swam too far away from the beach. That was the feeling I had on stage. Literally that panic hit me and I was drunk and I felt that panic and I was like, Oh no. And I got off stage, I took a cab home and I started thinking about quitting drinking. Yeah. That was always like that. It's never like actually a one

thing you're like, and I considered it for six to eight months afterwards. Another year. Yeah, yeah. I was like still getting drunk. Yeah. But I remember it because when I went back to Triana's the next time, the guy was like, where were you? You were going to go do your show and come back.

And you're like, brother, I bombed. And then were you bombing? Were you saying any jokes? Were you getting them out? I was too drunk. I just wasn't. Have you ever gone full panic mode where you go into automaton? Oh yeah.

Where you're like just hanging here and there and just hanging there, where you go, like that's the panic attack? I would say most of my- Career. Career. I would say up until like maybe three years ago, I was like finally getting loose and just being like, what am I saying?

Yeah. There'd be moments where if a audience wasn't, if it wasn't going exactly the way I wanted to, I'd be like, these are my jokes and this is the end. It goes like this. And then it goes like this. That's how it was on new jokes. You walk by me and you're like, they're super hot. And there went up. They hated me immediately. But my last, I should have, I felt bad. I shouldn't have been like, it's perfect. I bought my last joke. Bomb the worst I've ever bombed at new jokes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My first two jokes hit the hardest that I've ever hit. So it was Feast Your Fam and last night. I just said a 55 year old was a boomer by accident and everybody turned on me for that. You know what though? Fuck that. I know. Because what year were you born?

91. So you're still a millennial? Yeah. When do millennials end? 97? No idea. I'm 83 and I'm a millennial all these motherfuckers boomers specifically go like yeah these millennials just want to post on Instagram their avocado

toast you go 42 yeah yeah yeah the fuck you talk yeah also raised are you millennial or Gen X? Gen X is 80, stops at 80 or 81. Yeah, 81 through 96. Those are millennials. But they think I'm Gen Z. Like they talk about millennials, boomers talk about millennials like they're Gen Z. But this guy wasn't a boomer. But millennials, we talk about Gen X like they're boomers Yeah, he's Gen X. Yes, and also It's hard to argue that Gen X

They're the reason that we're in all this shit right now It's not boomers. No, they it is boomers boomers. No one's pulling the trigger Yeah, Gen X never wrestled the gun away from them. What is Jen, who is Gen X? Gen X is I think 67 to 81. But like, what's the vibe? Alternative, MTV. Oh, gotcha. Fucking, they were like in their twenties in the nineties. They were like, they got to live the fucking life dude.

Were they Coke? They were Coke, they were ecstasy. Okay ecstasy, yes, yes, yes. They were MTV News. They were like, they were all, Gen X had the fucking best. Girls Gone Wild. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Gen X, that whole idea of like,

any way to get a girl to show her boobs is cool. Oh yeah, okay, okay. Millennials were the ones that had to pay that receipt. Yeah, yeah. They got like, hey that's actually called rape, and you're like, no, it's not. Oh, fuck you. Our older brothers did it.

Gen X gave us grinding. Yes. Gen X passed us grinding. Gave us the golden age of rap. Yes. The fucking grunge, the best rock. It says 65 to 80. 65 to 80, who's close?

Come see me. Acting like I don't know my generation. It's really good. But. And then boomers are dying. Boomers are, my mom's 76. She's a boomer. Okay.

They're like 70s, 80s. They were born after, they're the children of the World War II veterans. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So that's why they're baby boomers. Cause everyone came back from war and wanted to put it in them. And what, and they're fucking our

Peapaws and memos were just going like fucking blast in me. Yeah, it's like I beat Nazis I felt so many Korean ladies. Oh my god. I was in Japan No, Vietnam. It's also boomers Vietnam is boomers Vietnam that's their war greatest generation got World War two boomers. What? Vietnam, that's their war. Greatest Generation got World War II, Boomers got Nam, and- But a lot of them didn't go. Gen X got the Gulf War, and we got Iraq.

Iraq. Yeah, that's ours. Gen X got the Gulf War? Yeah, 91, it was over in like fucking 86 days. Did they go? No, Bill Hicks joke was like, there was 71, something like 71 casualties in the Gulf War and he goes does that mean if we would have sent 72 people we could have a ticker tape parade for one guy? Yeah. And he's going like thanks I did it. I thought that was so funny. That's a really good joke.

That's a good joke. 46 to 64 that's 64. 46 to 64, that's what it is. Those are boomers. So anybody that was born 48 to 64. And here's the thing, the only problem with boomers is they got to do everything and then they took it away from us after they did it. But they did it on accident.

I feel like they took it away by accident. No, I'd give you that. They might've taken it away by accident because they got old. The way that you were talking about when you get richer, you get meaner. Yeah. I think when you get older, you're getting like less. You're like, no. Yeah. Yeah. So like they were hippies and they were like free love, man. Yeah. You should smoke weed. And then they got older and they were like, and they're like, women should choose what they want to do with their bodies. And they got older, like I decide. And then they got older and now they're, but now they're old and now they're like falling apart. So we got to look at me

I think that's every generation is like that. I think we're all gonna get old and be like I want a gun Yeah, I want a gun and I want to shoot a black man. That's why Gen X needed to step in and go I'm taking back the power on you, can't be the president. And they didn't. They went like, okay, mom and dad. That's why Pelosi and fucking Chuck Schumer. They really wanted to impress mom and dad. But they're like, go ahead, mom, keep working. And you're like, take the power.

Cause now Gen X, how awesome would it be to have a fucking 58, 60 year old president? You're like. Even that seems, we could go with 45. I would go fucking, dude, a 45 year old? Would you imagine? Too much pussy. He're like even that seems crazy. We could go 45. I would go fucking do to 45 year old. Did you imagine too much pussy? He'd be getting too much. No, we can make him fat.

He can be fat. Still be getting pussy. He'd be getting that mafia boss pussy. Oh, he's a prano. You know, he's like, oh, that biggie pussy. Oh, I'm the man. What if he's a woman? She can get a lot of pussy.

All that dick. Yeah. All those fucking. I don't know. We don't like dick. We only take dick to pretend that we like dicks. So you don't get killed. So you guys like us.

Yeah. It really is just to make more people and to not get killed. There's like one moment once a year where we're like, I'd like a dick. Yeah, I think dick to women seems to be more like crawfish than anything where it's just a lot of work and very little enjoyment.

Whereas men eating pussy is just like a soup bucket. Pussy for us is like, it's just liquid. I'll eat just the potato in the bucket, I don't mind. It's water. We're just like, can we slop? Yeah. Slop on my men. We're just pigs.

We're just like, we'll roll around in it. We'll eat it. Women are like picking it apart and they go like. That was pretty good. I know, I miss my friends. Now that summer's hit, I lost all my friends. We're together, but when we're outside, they're just like.

Yeah. And I'm like, come back to me, dude. Yeah, it's crazy. Over here, over here. Yeah, we. And these kids are young, dude. These kids, these girls with the tits out are babies Well, that's that's my check down now talking about getting older

Yeah, now I have to go because I used to just see big titties about look at those big titties Yeah, now I have to pump fake out to go. Nope. That's like a 18 year old girl She looks like a child. Yeah, cuz you just see your body. Oh my god. Look at her baby face. Yeah But she's got giant jiggly tits in a sundress and you're like what the, I'm a vegetable. I don't like it in the basement. But she's got giant jiggly tits and a sundress. And you're like, what the fuck? I got to check that out. Why are their tits getting so much bigger? My tits were never that big. They have jugs dude.

Sean Patton used to have the best joke of all time about steroids in the food. His whole bit was he doesn't wear earbuds on the self on the subway. Cause you hear the best shit. And he was like, this is an old joke. He's doing a whiplash. I don't know if he hasn't recorded anywhere, but he's like, he's like, if I was wearing earbuds, I would have never heard the following sentence. Yeah. All this KFC got these young bitches thick catching me getting stat cases or like something about statutory rape. So funny to talk about the food is making all these young girls. I think it is.

It is. So many hormones in the eggs and chicken and fish. RFK Junior's going to cut that down. Good. He's going to be like, no more hot little girls. I like that. And I'm going to be like this. Take your shirt off.

Yeah. Good physique. Good physique, Bobby. Bobby JK. I want young girls to look like RfK Just have little flapper tits little tabs that you tab over Put that up that way I won't forget it so these women walking around you go Why do you have the body of a burlesque dancer at 14?

Just with like plastic. It's fucking wild, but you do have a free hand. Okay. Yep. Got this Don't forget about that. Thanks. Thanks. Thank you for letting you put that in your tits But they it is another thing that made me feel old was for the first time ever. I checked a crush I was like, oh We're talking about something she was what do you think about it was a Olivia Rodrigo? like, Katie and I were talking about something. And she goes, what do you think about, it was Olivia Rodrigo. And I, out of my mouth, for real, this made me feel the oldest I've ever felt.

I go, huh, if I were in my 20s, I would have a huge crush on her. And it made me be like, if I were a younger man, because it just does feel weird. She looks like a little girl. You're like, look at her. That's why I'm like, dudes that date. How old is she?

She's like 22. Yeah, dude, the's why I'm like, dudes that she, she's like 22. Yeah, dude. The other day I started obsessively looking at this super hot guy on Instagram. He's like, and then he was like, I have to go to do finals. And I was like, but I kind of, the issue is younger men are funnier. That's the problem. Not with you, but young crack. You saw me get mad. I was like, what did you say? No, what do you mean they're funnier?

What do you mean they're funnier? They're funnier, they have, okay, you know how comics have a bizarre cartoon brain? Yeah. The 20, the Gen Zers think in cartoons. Yeah. They think like that, whereas ours is like, crack open another beer,

cause my bitch is on the way over, you know? Yeah, but that's also getting older, because there was a comic at The Cellar that I was watching that were at the Fat Black, and his whole material was like, my wife's a dumb bitch. I don't think, I'm not down with that shit, because you're like, that's like an older generation.

Have you hung out with non-comics that are your age? Yeah, all my friends. They're comics. I have friends that are non-comics. And they're funny? They're amusing. Yeah, friends. They're comics. I have friends that are non comics and they're funny. They're amusing. Yeah, yeah, they're amusing. Yeah, but like hanging out with, but also comics are like, you can't depend on them. They're selfish. All these things that we know we are. But the young kids will say things that are like, like the other day, it was a young kid opening for me and this woman was driving by this nasty fan.

You know what I mean? When you just get a nasty one and she goes, Jordan, I love you. And in her truck and was like, you want to ride? And we were like, no. And she like honked her giant, like Ford F-150. And there was a wall and this young comic was like, what if she, and then she drives straight into that wall. And I never would have, I like that. You know what I mean? Like he just imagined and I could see it. And it was so funny. Do you think that's what cartoons did

that has made these kids go, yeah, I wanna run off that cliff and then look down. Yeah, yeah. But I do that, I mean, I feel like I do that. We do that, we do that as comics. Yeah, you go like, it'd be funny if that happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my favorite thing.

It's the best thing. Her and I do that all the time watching TV. We're like, what if he shits his pants? Yeah, yeah, yeah, just we ever just do one of these When there's a butt on the screen at any point Fucking Myrtle will whenever there's another dog will just be like, huh? Does your just coyote freak out and other dogs are on the TV? Yeah, like yeah charge at the TV Did your dog watch a tell special with the seals?

Yeah. Like, yeah. Charge at the TV. Did your dog watch a tell special with the seals? Show her that. She'll go nuts. I can't put it on. Yeah. Dude, there's cartoon, I'm playing Last of Us 2. Yeah.

And there's cartoon dogs and I have to put my headset on. Yeah. Cause they bark and she goes, fucking ape shit. There's like, there's a scene where you're Abby, if you've played Last of Us 2 and you like go through it, you just have to feed a dog on the compound. And somebody just gave Gillis's face to Abby on. I saw that.

That was good. Oh yeah. That was good. That was fucking, sometimes Photoshop just absolutely. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes deep fakes. They're so good. I love that Trump is using ChachiBT the way we do.

He is? Just to be like, go like. Just to be like, make me the fucking Pope. Yeah. Make me, make me. Oh, yeah. If I was the Pope, there he goes. He goes, post it. Yeah. Yeah. He's not using it to do any sort of like analytics or anything. He's using gallons and gallons of water to be like, maybe like a hot royalty. He goes, Oh, that'd be sick. Wait, but give me a sword. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, you just put Albuquerque into a drought and he goes, I don't care. I am a little upset that we're not going to be able to see Trump campaign with, with AI, just make it like,

like little Marco or whatever, make him like a little baby. You know, they do the videos of babies from movie characters. Yeah. I love that. I love that. I did. Yeah. You're over it until I saw too many and then I just went like the sopranos one will always love. It's great. But now people are overdoing. Have you seen yourself as a baby yet? I don't like that. Bobby Kelly put out a bit of him as a baby and it looked just like him. No, he did the AI thing. Yeah, but he looks like it was like It's too it's it's not the right. It doesn't look enough like him It just looks like a baby's covering. Oh, right. Yeah, the Theo one's crazy. Yeah, there's a couple good one

Yeah, they gotta look like yeah, that just looks like a baby Yeah, he just went into AI and was like everybody's doing this make a baby say this joke But it's also funny if you think it's really a baby talking about being married and pushing his wife over at the street market you go how much sure does this Bobby should be the biggest comedian Bobby yeah kills harder than anybody kills harder than in the room I've never seen anyone kill it's crazy Shane maybe yeah I've maybe seen Shane kill harder than Bobby but Bobby is like he's still open for him and like one of the first weekends I worked with him I just remember him getting off stage and

I go you fucking killed yeah and he goes I'm a hammer that's all his boss accent he goes I'm a hammer my favorite is when I open for him and Louie and he and he wasn't eating gluten oh yeah and it's like a 12 year old thing he's been doing oh he's still not eating gluten. Well, he always was like, no gluten. But he, we ordered all these dumplings and he realized there was gluten in them. So I was pulling the sheaths off the soup dumplings

and feeding him the hamburger balls. That's very funny. And at first he was like, don't fucking, what do you think I am? I'm not fucking disgusted. And then like after watching me and Louie eat like three, he was like, give me the hamburger balls. Give me the hamburger balls.

Fucking feed me those. Yeah, that's, And then like after watching me and Louie eat like three he was like Yeah, that's uh, I Whenever I see people with complicated diets you go just like I just stopped eating meat cuz my cuz of mushrooms Why just like anytime I microdose hermon mushrooms? I think meat is the craziest concept She that's funny. You say that when we get too get too high, if Katie smokes a joint with me and we order like, one time we ordered barbecue, she was like, I was like just running through it. She was like, it fucks me. She was eating potato salad.

She's like, yo, this fucks me up. Just a slab of brisket. And I'm like, I'm putting barbecue sauce on it. I'm like, this shit fucking rules. And she's like, it's just god damn. You're drawing a little cow's face on it. I'm like, this shit fucking rules. And she's like, it's just god damn. You're drawing a little cow's face on it. Look at him, look at his face. Help me, help me Katie.

And I'm like, but I also get it because I've done. My dog looks like a rotisserie chicken. Her little leg looks just like a rotisserie leg. Oh that's funny because Myrtle, when her fucking fat ass comes in here after we do the podcast, I always take her leg and I go, look at this chicken leg.

Yeah it is a chicken leg. Because it looks like a fat chicken leg. Because it ends like that. I've snapped it off a chicken before and fucking cooked it. I know. So it's crazy to think you go, oh you said. I have intrusive thoughts all the time when I'm holding your leg. I'm like, don't. If there is an apocalypse, are we going to eat our dogs?

Never. Is that like- I'll let my dog eat me. Is that the biggest, like, we always used to make fun of China for that, and then it's going to happen to us, and you're like, guess who ate their dogs? I'll eat anybody else's dog.

I could not. You would eat dog. You needed to. My whole thing is I'd eat people. If you said, hey, I have a person. I almost, you almost had me. Yeah. I think you almost, we went up the ramp person, you almost had me. Yeah. I think

you know, we went up the ramp, hear me out menu menu. Now here's a, here's a small lamb that only provide anything but smiles to young children. Here's a cow that was just grazing at a pastor when it was shot in the face. Sure. Or with here's a, here's a man who raped your second cousin. I don't want to eat that. I'll eat it. I don't want that evil inside of me. You're having evil inside you by eating. No, not sweetie pie. Cutie pants. I'm a sweetie pie. Cutie pants. I got a belly full of sweetie pie. But if you eat the sweetie pie, cutie pants, I'm a sweetie pie. Cutie pants.

Not if I fucking eat them. Serial rapist. Get out of here. That's bad meat. Rapist in your cereal. That's fucking evil. No, you eat it to punish him. Hex to hell with you. Okay, what about this? In the old, got bored man. Baby died. Baby, aborted fetus.

Many, many aborted. I could, it was a shake. Woo wee wee. Wee wee wee wee wee. Make sure you put that bitch on puree. Because I ain't trying to get a little fucking eye. Hit it with a couple beats. I swear to God, I'm gonna get a little fingernail

and I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna get a little fingernail, because I know that's late term. I'm gonna get a little fingernail in there, I'm gonna fucking puke. That's my theory. I think maggots we should farm. I'm cool with that.

I could get on board with bugs way before I could get on board with people. Really? Yeah, people I'm like, come on. Let me show you something. Yeah. Look. Now here's the thing. You go, you fillet it off. Korean barbecue. Oh my God. Korean in a barbecue. So good. That forearm meat. Honestly, sometimes I go like, Oh, when you grab the saddle back. Yeah. Yeah. That's got a good calf. I know I'm not slim pickings on mine

Oh, you got skinny calves skinny calves you and Ethan Simmons Patterson you ever check? Oh you guys should compare calves It's as big as security You love us getting dude one the hottest girl I've ever met my life She's the hottest girl huge tits a perfect face everybody loved her everybody wanted to fuck her and I was like I was morbidly obese small goth and and she was my stepbrother's girlfriend, and I was like, is there anything you hate about your body? She goes, yeah, I have big ankles. And I remember being like, you fucking bitch,

I hate my face, I hate my body. And then I looked down and I was like, damn! They connect up to your fucking quadriceps. Dude, when you see bad ankles on a hot girl, it is crazy. This is my first time. It is crazy. Like a really hot girl with fat ankles, and you go like, what the fuck? It is crazy. It is crazy. Like a really hot girl with fat ankles and you go

like, what the fuck? You know, that's what Ray, uh, why can't I think of his name? Um, Romano Aruba. Your ankles are fat. Oh no. Ray Charles. Ray Charles was blind and used to feel women's wrists and ankles to know if they were fat or not before he could like, you know, rub on them or whatever. He'd like grab their wrists. That's what I do. That's what I do to judge a man's cock. Really?

All the time. I'll be like. Wait, is it wrist? I do. So see, I would have a huge cock. See that bone there? Yeah. If you got the bone, you're fine.

Yeah, I'm fine. You're fine. I've been trying to say this for a while. I can draw your cock. Big Jay always goes like, oh, Sodor's got a huge piece. I go, no, I'm fine. Height has nothing to do with it. But I go, I- You have Yankee standard, I bet.

Yeah. Just a good- I'm a little over- I got like a- Oh, nice. Good. I got like a C+. That's great. I'm fine.

Yeah. Fine. But Jay spent eight years on the bonfire going like, so he's got a massive dick. And you're like, I don't. Ari has a huge dick. He does. Everyone's seen it. I have not seen it.

But the other day he was changing. When he flops out, he's got like a floppy like. Yeah, but look at his wrist bone. He's got one of these. It's a gnarly big boy. Yeah. So if that pops. If that pops, it's big.

It also depends on the voice. Has it ever been proven wrong? All my, I've always been correct about a day. You've never lost, you've never been incorrect. Cause that's a big miss. There was, there was a time where I was, I was being self deceptive. Like I was like, I know this is a really bad cock. And then he said that he had broken a huge amount of his bones and he had brittle bones. And I was like, fuck, I know it's going to be a skinny cock.

And it was quite skinny, skinny, the skinny. Yeah. The skinny has to be the worst. You have to be careful about talking about this with men. Cause sometimes men are like, I have a skinny cock, but skinny cock is, I was thinking about this. Like it's so scary for you guys. Like if I unveil my vagina, there's so much there's, it's such a part of my body. Like it's like going like this. It's like, there's my pussy. And you're like, okay, there's an arm attached to it. But with you guys, it's like,

here is my penis. Yeah. And I'm presenting you my whole personality. I'm presenting you my whole personality and I only have one. If you think one boob is bad, the other one might be okay. But I'll tell you where the wiggle room is, is soft versus erect. You have two different speeds. Nobody knows about what's soft. Soft.

Nobody looks at soft. God, when your lady sees your soft penis for the first time, Yeah. It is an experience. I'm like a penis tyrant. Like I can't. So you will never see a small penis.

No, I will, but not a tyrant like that. No, I can't stop fucking with them. Oh. Like the balls, I think they're so funny and I can't not see them as a guy. Yeah. As a separate little guy. Oh.

So I remove it from you. I don't even think about you. Like the boss. Yeah. They're the boss. They're the boss and I do the. This is the big underling. Yes.

This is the boss. Yes, totally. You're not wrong. And I don't think about your opinions when I'm pulling. Now, you guys have a situation down there, and this is what takes men forever to figure out. You have a crevasse that we have to get in and look, and it's so hard for... This is why I feel bad for women.

You don't have to look. Why do you got to look in there? Because you go face to face with it sometimes. You ever go monkey? You ever go monkey zone with the vagina? What's that? I just... This is how you know you're in love. Cause you go face to face with it sometimes. You ever go monkey, you ever go monkey zone with the vagina? What is that? I just, this is how you know you're in love. Yeah.

Is when you're in bed with a lady and you're just, you're just, Oh, picking through? Yeah, picking through. Oh my God, yeah. Monkey zone risk. One of the best experiences of my life was when I was in my twenties and one of my exes was like,

you can just fucking go around. Just look around. I was just like, over there like, I felt like a true explorer. An archeologist. I was going like, you're like, Oh, oh, yeah. I go, a true explorer. An archeologist. I was going like, you're like. Oh, yeah.

I go, there it is. Yeah. The clitoris. It's so. Ah, I've been looking for you, old friend. The diamond in the room. Ah, but move it back. And there it is.

And they go beep boop. Yeah, yeah. And they go beep boop, your sister's a bitch, beep boop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your sister beep, your sister's a bitch. Beep boop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your sister's fatter than you. Ah! But looks-wise, I feel bad for you guys because it is very rare that you get a great looking one.

It's, we don't look at it like you guys look at yours. I mean, we, yeah, because we, all we do is look at it. Yeah, we don't look at it. From the time we are born, we look at it, knock it around. That moment when you're knocking it around, yeah, that's your tits. The moment you're knocking it around as a guy and it catches a different vibe

is the moment where you go like, just a little and you're like, da da, and then there's one day you go, play that again. It's like in a biopic about a musician where they sing the song that they're famous for, they go, say that again. He goes, I said all eyes on me. And he goes, all eyes on me. All eyes on me.

That's like what you do with your dick. You go like, look at this, I'm slamming it and you go, Oh, do that again. Do that again. And then you go, Oh, all right, this is my whole life now. This is my whole fucking life. We're like that in the bathtub. There's a moment in the bathtub where women are fucking around.

I can't imagine that. Because you guys, I always found it fascinating. Girls, the first time you put a mirror down and look at your pussy, because you can't really just get in there and like. No. You gotta put something down like a fucking, like you're shooting a guy around a corner.

We see each other's vaginas a lot. You gotta put gum on a knife and then put a little mirror and go like, hey, hey, there you go. That's wild. We lay it down and stand over it. Yeah, that's what it is. Cause not only do you have the pussy that you're looking into, but you also, here's what happens.

You are standing over the mirror and first you see your vagina, horrified, right? Like that's crazy. Your butthole's browner than you could have ever imagined. The first time I ever saw my butthole it's so I was not prepared for it's so dark literally it's like when you see yourself in security camera for the first time or the security thing at like home depot that comes up where you walk yeah that's my but hole? You go, oh, fuck. And you're just waving at the camera.

You're like, hey. So you put it down on the ground and walk over. You put it down, and then the problem is you see your vagina, and you're like, that's bad. And then you look two inches up, and you see your fucking face going. You're just being a nosy neighbor? Yeah.

And what's going on? And the under chin, and just like, ugh. The worst angle. And you're like, all sides of me are bad. What's going on? All sides of me are bad. Just a little sweep. Yeah. When you're a boy, you're literally, you're literally in the bathtub. Every time you're in the bathtub, you're like pulling it. We are too. We are too. I remember one girl would pull her labia. One girl was trying to- Oh!

You would pull it. Yo! The fuck? The fuck is wrong with you? Ripping your labia, you fucking psycho? It permanently made it longer. Oh no. Yeah, it was almost.

Oh no, shit. It hung down. She a droopy good dog, pussy. Oh no. No one, no no one's gonna play with me. I think- When she shakes her hands, she fucking does it. No one's gonna play with me. When she shakes her hands, if you find that cartoon, please put it on the bottom.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm convinced that that guy's voice is based off of Capote. Yeah, but human Capote. Yeah, I think it is. This murder is in cold blood. Going down, sir. Going down on my sad pussy.

Right here. Yeah, dude. I don't know why. She tugged. She tugged a lot. And I'd be like, stop tugging. And then it- That's self-mutilation.

I know, I know. That's wild, but- We all mutilate. All girls do is mutilate. I mean, but I feel like guys, we hurt our penises. We push it to like find out what hurts. And then the guys that like that end up becoming CEOs. Oh yeah.

They like hurt their dicks and they go, I think I'm about to be successful. What about Dan St. Germain who likes a diaper? You know about that? He has a diaper fetish? I got really upset with him when he said this. I was like, we can't be friends anymore. We can't hang out.

He's my writing partner and I don't know about this. Oh, I'm really sorry. Yeah, he said it on being here, it was diaper fetish and I was like, just whatever you do. If you said it on your podcast. Yeah, we can talk, it's fair game. But he said he asked his wife to do it

and I was like, how dare you? He's like, I need you to change me. Isn't that? His wife is like the sweetest little lady. Way hotter than him. Yeah. Have you seen when he puts it together? No.

You haven't seen Dreamy St. Germain? Show me. Dude, old school. I'm talking about like, I'd have to go back in time. St. Germain with long hair. Oh. Get the fuck out of here. I'm hearing that a lot of people used to be really hot.

His woodsman look. You're like. Oh, you love that. Oh dude, young Dan St. Germain is like, good night. I just don't think fetishes are real. I think it's a thought that you have too many times and you have to. What do you mean?

Well, it's like me on an airplane, every time I'm next to the emergency exit, I'm like, I wanna pull this, I wanna pull this. And I'm like, that's like what a fetish is. You just have an intrusive thought too many times that you can't quell. Yeah, you go, I really wanna do this. Sometimes you get slapped to the fetish

and you're like, oh shit, this is actually the best. I didn't even realize. I did full rape the other day. Full rape, did full rape. See, look at you. Where I was raping. Oh yeah, I get it, yeah. Can I ask a question female to be able to rap?

Oh yeah, thank you for not glazing over it with me just going, I did rape. How do you, was the whole point that you like held him down and got his wiener hard and then put it in yeah, it's kind of sick He was like I don't want to have sex. I was like we're having sex. Oh, that's a lot Yeah, I've had that before because he hates me the guy I'm seeing hates me He wishes I was he just doesn't which I love He just is like get off your stupid and ugly and dumb and I'm like we're gonna have sex though

And he's like no and then I was while I was getting him hard, I was just hitting him in the stomach. And he remained hard. Got harder each hit. Okay. So I'll tell you right now, if I go soft and you're doing that, you better put your dukes up. Cause we're about to fight.

If you're hitting me and I'm going soft, I'm like, hey, you're about to get power bombed through a coffee can. No way, no way. I'm just telling you right now. And it was a good hit, you know. Cause I can hit, I was not, yeah. You're a carpenter. Yeah. You can throw a car. No way. No way. I'm just telling you right now. It was a good hit, you know, cause I can hit. I was not. Yeah. You're a carpenter. Yeah. You can throw a fuck. You can throw a five. It was, you're getting any, well, and I could feel the blood each time I did it. Oh, where, where, where we start the tick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Your butter goes like so annoying when you guys somehow, I feel like the amount of times the boner tick has hit my fucking eye. Just so many times. That means the blood's pumping. When it hits, when you guys tap it, because you know you can make it move like that and my face is in the way. Oh, that's funny. Dude, one time.

I never want to see the helicopter tick again. Yeah, that's kind of hack, if you ask me. It's really hack. The dare was, I mean, but if a guy can do it, holy geez. I did it, a guy who could do it so well, and it became the, it got me like a hot rage every time he did it. Where are you going? No, no. Where I'd be like, I will fist fight you if I have to see that one more time. It's so offensive. It's like

a speed bag. He's like, one time this girl I was dating, this was like Hurricane Irene or something like 2011. Irene was a good one. It was great. We got, me and this girl got blackout drunk on a bottle of Jameson. It was fucking sick. And then we had, you know, it was just like a hurricane. So we fucked or whatever.

Yeah, of course. I sleep in my underwear. I don't sleep naked. It's disgusting to sleep naked. Yeah. I know. I just don't want to do it because I have a soft a we maybe I could sleep naked with her because we're married You know, we're engaged. We're gonna get married

I love my life feel good though, right the things touch It at first it does if you're gonna go from sleeping to sleep naked into sex. It works great. Okay, gotcha If you're just going sleeping naked, I don't like it. Yeah, it could be an intruder There could be a lot of reasons I have to be naked. I understand my father used to sleep naked. It was very weird. Dad was naked all the time. And then he would change when he'd have to change his pants. He'd turn around and I'd be like, I can see your balls and yeah, same. It was so awful. When I would visit my dad, we would sleep on a pullout couch in my grandma's guest room. This is in San Francisco. We had the sameout couch in my grandma's guest room. Yeah.

This is in San Francisco. We had the same dad though. We had white trash dads. Yeah. Yeah. And my dad would sleep, it was a couch pullout bed. So it's not like he didn't fuck me, but we talked about this on your podcast. It is a little weird.

I would sleep full pajamad up, Dick Tracy pajamas. Yeah. Tops and bottoms. My dad would be nude. Yeah. And he would sleep on the other side of the bed. We wouldn't touch. It was just fucking two guys having a sleep. But then he would get up in the morning to go work at the liquor store and he would sleep on the other side of the bed. We wouldn't touch. It was just fucking two guys having a sleep. But then he would get up in the morning to go work

at the liquor store and he would put his fucking corduroy, his OP corduroy shorts on. No underwear. No underwear. My dad never wore underwear. No underwear. Which is nasty work. Brutal. Brutal. That fart is just staying in that fabric. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. The ball shirt. Gary, what are you doing? That's brutal. So he put his light blue, like ocean blue,

OP corduroy shorts on. Fuck naked and you just watch his balls and nuts just flop in there. That's why I always thought I had a really small dick because I used to, when I would stay with my dad, my dad had a good piece. And I would be like- They didn't have a good piece. We just thought that.

That's exactly it. Although my mom just said my dad had a good piece. My mom said my dad had a good piece too. But I hallucinated. My mom one time when I was like a teenager, admitted to me and my friend Byron, and Trish I know you're watching this, and I can call Byron and he'll back me up on this.

She admitted my stepdad had a giant cock, and he was gone, he had already moved out. But she was like saying something about like her current boyfriend, and me and Byron are like, does he have a little wiener? We're just being like 13 year old boys and she goes no, but Nick, holy shit. We're like damn Yeah, you got a thing now. You know under slept mom. My mom describes every fucking body part on it I just found out my mom cheated on my other mom with two men. I found that out yesterday. What?

She like cheated on your your other mom the mom she was with. mom with two men. I found that out yesterday. What? Yeah. She like cheated on your, your other mom. The mom she was with. Yeah. With two men. We were all together and Michelle, one of my moms was like, what about the two men that you had sex with? And I was like, what? Me and my sister were like, oh, and we were on a podcast and mom was like, shut the fuck up, Michelle. Yeah. And it was like, she was like, that was conference sex. And we were like, what is conference? Yeah. She just cheated on her? Yeah, she's a serious, she cheats on anybody. She cheats on anybody, justifies it. It was crazy.

That's wild. Yeah, she's like a cult leader. It's crazy how people who cheat like that can justify it the way super villains are like, no, no, no, I'm taking over the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. Yeah, totally.

No, I know you're upset about this. Go full potent, be like, I want it. I want it. Go Joker. I want these fucking pussy ass batman trying to stop me. Yeah. That's what they do. That's what my mom does. She's like, well, you know, I mean,

my two moms are together now. Michelle was like, we're together. Cause you basically set us up on a date cause you didn't want to come. And you were like, yeah, go, you can go fuck my wife. You know, as like kind of a bit, but kind of also like get her out of here for a night. I was like, I didn't know any of this.

Your ex step mom talked to your mom at all. Are you anymore? My yeah, we're all, so everybody's this was all together. Yeah. They're all best friends. Cause mom and Michelle and Donna are in love. Like they, since they left my mom and found each other. Okay. So they're like, we're good. And my mom just has two giant pit bulls and is like, I'm not gonna date again because I just cheat on everybody. I'm just gonna be John Wick.

How crazy is it when moms retire? She's not retired. She has a nail bag on every day and is working every day. I must get money. No, but I mean like from dating. It's brutal because then I become the boyfriend or the girlfriend. I can kind of see that. My mom and I become the boyfriend or the girlfriend. I can kind of see that. My mom and I have a healthy relationship right now.

We put down boundaries. We talk once a week. That's good. Once a week for like 30 minutes. She's not dating. No. But you want her to. No. You're fine with it? If she wants to, if she wants to, I would completely support it support it bums me out. I would completely support it Been through it. Yeah, you've been through it. But you have to get over it where you go. Okay, I Want my mommy happy? Yeah, whatever makes her happy if dating would make her happy then I think she should date My mom's dating didn't make her happy There's been a bunch of stinker ex-boyfriends. Oh Yeah, I'm good. And then there's a certain-

I kinda like how it moves right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Katie and I love her and we give her attention, but if she wanted to date, if she had a boy, if we went back to Colorado and she had a boyfriend, I'd love to meet her. Oh, I can't imagine having a straight mom, though. My mom was just bringing women in.

How was that, though? It's just nice. You and your sister, right? Yeah. You don't have a brother? I have I have step brothers from Michelle's kids. Okay. But which I had having a lesbian mom would be tough. It was tough because I would bring boys over and they would get a hard on because my moms were making out. You know what I mean? It's pretty sick.

Yeah. You go, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Great. The goal, your goal. Mine. Yeah. Holy shit. I go over there and it's just a fucking sorority girl's gone nodding. Because lesbians always have hands on butts. It's always hands on butts with lesbians. Hands in the back pocket, always, constantly. Shout out. Did you think growing up with a lesbian mom

that you were gonna be a lesbian? Like, did you grow up like, the way that a gay kid will grow up with straight parents, right, and then they like have to deal with the fact that they're not going to be straight, and they have to like come out to their parents. Did you have to tell your mom you like dick? Did you have to be like, mom, sit down?

I've been boy crazy since I was like five. OK. Yeah. So she knew. She knew. And me and my sister, my sister was a huge whore. Shout out. Huge.

And I was not a whore. How much older is she? Six years older. Damn. So you saw like, you were like 11, she was 17. She was ripping it. Yeah, she was ripping. Is she six years older? Damn. So you saw like you were like 11, 17, ripping it. Yeah. She was ripped and she was hot and she was like, and she was athletic and I was masculine, but we both were like, there's one thing we, we get along with, which is we suck cock.

We love it because our dad was neglectful and we had a million women around. Dad was like, how do I make the perfect soldier? Yes. Leave them. Yes. Give them lesbian moms. Do you talk to your dad a lot? He's dead. Shout out. When did he die?

Is your dad, is Gary dead? Oh, nice. When did you join Dead Dad Club? I was 23, so 10 years ago. OK, so 2015 he died? Yeah, I'm DDC since 97. Oh, he was young. He was 48. Yeah, my dad was 58. Yeah, it'm DDC since 97. Oh, he was young. He was 48.

Yeah, my dad was 58. Yeah, it's crazy. I didn't even think 48 was young. I know when it happens. Because I was 14. Yeah, was he a smoker? It was drinking. Well, it was actually, if you want to get into it,

it was hep C that turned into liver and kidney failure, into cirrhosis. What's Hep C? Hepatitis C. You got it from raw dog and some fucking trailer slut. Wow. I stayed at her house. I know who it was.

You do? It hasn't been proven, but I know who it was. Teeth? I know who it was. No teeth, few teeth? Oh no, she was like run down. Run down, but kind of hot and weird. Like probably in like late 70s was a fucking fox. Nothing better than twice as hot.

But early 90s. Yeah. Wrankles, this was before work was getting done. So she was full Sharpay. Yeah, yeah. But just like you could tell had a nice body. She had like three kids, her oldest. Full Sharpay.

Her daughter was like hot. Her daughter was like, I was 14. Her daughter was like 21 and she was like hot. Yeah. Okay. And then my dad was just fucking. Did you, I have a whole thing where in my special where I talk about, Oh, if you grew up white trash, you hear adults having sex. Oh, I grew up, but I grew up in the burbs and I heard that your parents in the burbs, my mom and her boyfriend, Joe. Yeah, it's not, I told this story on opiate Anthony, but it's true. I would be watching wrestling like Monday night, row WCW, right?

Yeah. 12. And then my mom and Joe would get blackout drunk at dinner as they did. Yeah. And then they would go upstairs and you would start to hear it. Yeah. You would like start to hear the movements where you knew it was coming. And then there was a couple times where I would just go like, all right. Like I would just say that out loud and I'd go out back and smoke a cigarette

when I was like 12. That's why when Forrest Gump hit, I was like, this hits too close to home, dude. I don't like this, like him walking. Hey, hey. But I would hear my dad have sex too when I would stay with this lady. And then I would hear my dad do the walk to the bathroom and you'd be like,

Hey pal. And you're like, Oh, dude, you got pussy juice all over the fucking cabin. And I looked through a hole and I could see my dad having sex and he looked up and I could, he couldn't see me, but he could see the hole. But it looked like he was making eye contact with me. And I remember being like a kid and being like this this is gonna fucking, this is gonna leave a mark. It's fucked up. I remember one time, Byron, shout out, Byron,

he heard, we both heard them. When your friend hears your mom. Yeah, oh, all the time that would happen. You go like this, you go, I'm sorry. Yeah. Just like, he's like, ah, ah, and you're like, dude, I can't tell you how embarrassing that is. Cause you just go like, I know, I know,

but they're fucking, whatever, dude. Whatever, your mom's not fucking. Yeah, you're totally. Try and turn it on your head. So many times my friends heard it. So many times I'd find my friends in the bathroom that was up against my mom's room and they would be like laughing and I'd open the door

and be like, get off the, they're not, they're not doing it. No, but then we hit a point when I was older where my friends would fuck with my mom's boyfriends and it was funny. Oh yeah, I love that. They would come over and there would be like six of us smoking cigarettes and be like, who's this dude?

So one guy walked up, this is my favorite. How many boyfriends? A lot. Okay, okay, okay. My mom has a list. She showed Katie and Katie was like, She's a list. My mom has like a hit list.

That's awesome. On a white piece of legal pad paper and it's front and back. That's awesome. Your mom's awesome. My mom came up to us at Christmas because we made fun of this on the podcast. And my mom came up to us at Christmas, she goes, I found my list. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Katie, scream it.

Katie's like, yo, Trish. Is she super hot? My mom? No, but my mom was pretty. My mom was a pretty lady. But she, this guy she went on a date with, I used to drive a Dodge Stratus, 1996, white Dodge Stratus. I drive a Dodge Stratus!

Just parked in the driveway, and this fucking fat, redheaded, giant dude. I'm 6'3", he had to be 6'6". And like big, former Navy SEAL, big guy, big stocking guy. Comes up and he goes, who's pussy ass car is this? And I was like, mine? And then my friends looked at me and were like, well this guy's cook.

And then he just went in and my mom went on a date with him. She's like, me and all my friends were like, fuck that dude, we don't like that dude. That's awesome, I used to terrorize my dad's girlfriends. Yeah, there was like I used to I had a puppy and I would feed them I would feed the girls shoes to her. Oh, that's what I would destroy it Yeah And then there was one plan that I had for my stepmom where I was like I'm gonna superglue Because I had seen Matilda

I was like I'm gonna superglue her shoes and her feet are gonna be forever stuck in the shoes. And I waited all day. I put the super glue and I filled it up. And then I waited, I waited, and she came and put her foot in. Immediately took it back out. And I like, days later, it was like, oh, it dries. It dries. Did you ever have a mom's boyfriend that you liked?

Yeah, Kermit. His name was Kermit. And he was, I liked him because my was Kermit, and he was, I liked him because my mom didn't like him because he was like a simple man. Sure. But yeah, he had like cows and a farm and a pond. Was there ever a girlfriend of your dad's that you liked?

No. Not one? Kate, yes, there was one, yes. If they kept their distance, because I was my dad's girlfriend. He was my boyfriend and they were second. And if they respected that, then I liked them. And if they had like one of them had a son and was like here, instead of your

dad being your boyfriend, you can terrorize my autistic son who is way older. You look at his wrist and you go big dick on the boy though. Big dick. So that was good. I liked them because I was like, I was like, you know nine and he was probably yeah 16 or I hate it when they had other kids. Oh But one boy as a girl and you just bother it You just go up to him while he's playing video games and just hit the X controller and he goes stop and you go no

Yeah, I'm your sister now. No if Dave my dad plays this right, we're brother and sister. Yeah, I loved that. I mean, I had sex with one of my stepbrothers. Oh yeah, I've heard that bit. That is wild. My favorite thing in the world is, which is why I'm dating the person I'm dating, is I don't like you.

And I go, I don't care. Yeah. And they go, get away. If I had a tail, if I had a tail, like a dog tail, every time a guy was like, I don't get out of my house, it would, I would be like, stop. But my tail would be, yeah. That's like when Myrtle acts like she's mad at me. I go, what are you mad at me about? It's like, I'm holding it in,

but I'm so happy you're home. But I come home from the spa and I go, what? And she's like, we went on a walk and then you left. And she's like, it's great. I always think about if I had a tail. Like when I get in fights or something, I'm at the TSA and I'm like, why are you fucking talking to me like that? And they're like, how about this lady? And I know my tail.

It'd be so funny on stage if a joke doesn't hit and mine just wraps under it. They go, his tail's between his legs. And I go, so you guys did like that one, huh? Fuck, oh fuck. You see it just improving through. It's just curling over my dick. I go, Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I don't know. I'm bobbing. When is your special coming up? September, September. Listen to being Ian with Jordan and RIP Jordan Jensen, RIP Jordan Jensen. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Go

download it. She's one of the best working comics. My favorite to watch. My favorite is you to watch. Stop it. I said it first. It's true. It's true. Everybody knows it. Go follow her at Jordan Jensen.

See, I did like a backend intro, but it works. It did work. That's the podcast. That's good.