Soder - 91: Drunk at work with Kerryn Feehan | Soder Podcast | EP 89

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

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July 31st, my first time ever to Portland, Maine. I'm gonna be at the Empire Comedy Club, July 31st, August 1st, and August 2nd. Phoenix, Arizona, September 5th and 6th. Los Angeles, September 25th, the United Theater. Wilmington, North Carolina! I haven't been back to Dead Crow Comedy Club in years. There's been some storms, there's been some floods,

there's a new location. Well guess what, baby? In August, I will see you, Wilmington, at the Dead Crow Comedy Club. I'm gonna be there August 14th, 15th, and 16th. Five shows, Dead Crow Comedy Club. What a great club. I'm very excited to come back.

Dancer.com for tickets. How else can I entice you? You don't want to see me with my shirt off That's gross. How about just a good show? How about I promise you a good show? I'll see you at the dead crow Because she did it took her a long time to get into toys she was she would rip them all apart Okay, she just rip them apart. We're like you can't give them How old's Mabel? She'll be four July 10th, allegedly. Allegedly, it's fun, dog birthdays are funny because it really is like, we're making this up.

We weren't there to sign a fucking certificate. 2 25 PM, Mabel and her 15 brothers entered the earth. She was number 12 out of 15, and she came into the world with a roar. She beat her cases. Yeah, we're good. I freaking lost the remote to her e-caller this morning, like when I was out on a walk.

I mean, she's still like, collar wise, in the sense that she's like, comes when I say come. Sure. But I just ordered another one. And the whole thing cost me 300 bucks and just the remote is 160. I'm like, so I had to go off. Wait, so half of it's just the remote?

Yeah. And it shocks them? I mean. Or just gives them like a hey. I've shocked her a total of four times. And like I worked with Justin, I went to like training sessions. So I wasn't just like.

I mean, it's crazy how many dog owners probably just slap it on and then they go like, including my own mother. Really? Yes. She has a pit bull. She's like, I just grabbed the remote sometimes. And then he's quiet. What a Boston mom.

So Boston. She's like, he's fucking back in. I'm zapping. You back, you zap. Back zap. The new collar from Karen's mom. Did I say no back in it? Did I say no back in it? It's just a fucking faulty wire. We new collar from Karen's mom. Did I say no back? Did I say no back?

It's just a fucking faulty wire that we hooked to your dog's neck. I texted Andrew Russell from WME. Yeah. He's the only agent I know. When that Karen Reed got like the script or whatever, the biopic, like she's selling her rights to the story. You know, Karen?

I mean, so anyone, I think people outside of Massachusetts aren't as aware. They knew it as we are. I'm sure Katie's all over it. I mean, it is, it is, your guys is... Super Bowl. It is crazy. We love it. We love it. So for women, true crime is the NFL.

Yes. Like true crime is your... This story too, it was just like there's so much... Up or down, Fatso? Get up here. Get up here. Myrtle? Yeah. Get in here. Get in my noso. Brutal. Yeah. Um,

but it is. So the Karen Reed case was a woman's husband who was a cop boyfriend, boyfriend cop. He's a pervert. Wound up dead at another cop's house. Right. She was drunk. They were partying. They were fighting. Yeah. And then they tried to blame her. Yeah. And like, listen, she might've done it, but they did so much shady shit that it's

like, her defense just killed them. Yeah. Two phones are thrown away. They got rid of the dog that was there because he had dog scratches on his body. How did they get rid of the dog? All of a sudden they didn't have the dog. They were like, what happened to the dog? They were like, we don't know, she went away. Is this, is it like Katie and her mom, it would just take up their whole phone conversations. So that like women in Massachusetts are like,

we finally got our case. We love this shit. They love Karen Reed and it's also like my mom. And she's hot. So that makes it. She's not bad. She's an attractive woman, which makes any sort of crime better.

Do they hate me because I drive a Lexus and I'm a lecturer at Funkin' Berkeley Business School. Do you know the rumor that she had resting bitch face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they gave her like, I don't know if it was that she stopped getting- Botox? Botox, but to like make her look.

A little nicer. Yeah. A little softer. Softer. And then she got away with it. And that's why I ever, I think obviously that's like just, that's like one of those things where after the case happens, you go, she got away with it. Cause fucking.

That's why my dad was super into OJ is cause he was from San Francisco and OJ is like a San Francisco guy. And then like the LA. So people are are like when crimes are by where you're from yeah you're just automatically into it. Columbine was like your thing. Oh well the Aurora mall shooting was like I was getting calls when it happened people like none of your family were there I'm also into Batman so people were like none of your friends were there and you're like no thank God thank God stop going to that mall years ago. I'm cool. Yeah.

Ever since they opened park Meadows, we stopped going to the Aurora mall. But yeah, that Massachusetts story, it was, my mom hates Canton to like the town. Yeah. It's like fucking Canton trash. I hate those fucking coppers. You guys hate each other. They hate each other. Like, like South Shore hates North Shore. Yeah. Yeah. And then like, South Shore hates North Shore. Yeah. And then? Like I'm sure North Shore says South Shore is trash, but North Shore is trash.

All Boston calls each other trash. Yeah. And then you don't let the black people live anywhere. Except one. Where is it? Lynn. Dorchester. Dorchester is what it is.

That's where my dad grew up. Dorchester. The dot. They go fucking, oh yeah, all the blacks are in Dorchester. They're in the dot. Roxbury too. Well, because Lynn is, that's where her list is from, right? Uh, Whitman. You guys have all these towns. I didn't know about towns. I love you. I love you. Look at her tail. I love you. I didn't know about towns until I went to the East Coast. There's so many. Everything's spread out in the West Coast. So you just have cities.

So you're like, oh, Denver and Aurora, and then far away, like not as Boulder, but those now it's like Long Island. It's all on top of each other. Massachusetts, it's close. You're like, fuck it. And I don't like Lynn and fucking, and Marty and fucking Troubledale.

And there's like all these fucking places. You're like, how can you even keep track of all that shit? But yeah, I think that movie, it's going to be one of those Netflix docs in a year. Yeah. I bet they're already making it. Yeah. Well, they made a couple, like like 60 minutes to the thing. Date line, date line. Right. They did a special date line about it after the verdict came. Yeah. So I think that this is gonna be a good one. Oh man.

And I texted him, I was like, just let me know if anything pops, any of the little characters. I'll take a Jen McCabe. That's so fun. You know like all the secondary or third-dary, you're like, you know, Karen got cast to play the cop, the bartender that served the cop the drinks.

And you know I be bragging about it. Oh yeah. Like day one. On set motherfuckers, Wiggy retirement. I'm fucking the role I was born to play. I tried to get on that, Trey Parker and Matt Stone are doing a movie about a slavery enactment place. And with, it's gonna be funny.

They're like, I think they're already filmed it, but I tried to get in on that. It's funny when you ask for stuff, you're like, can I please get out of this? Yes, can I please be on this show? Please. Put me on this show, put me in this movie. Hey Myrtle.

She's good. I know, but she knows. See how she looked at me? Shoot, you're alpha. She knows. I had a podcast guest this morning that my dog peed in front of so fast, so immediately. What does that mean?

Just like, she was like, you are alpha. She like bowed to them. She's like, ooh! Did you see the clip of the, it's been going around on the internet, of the dogs at the, I think they're in like a kennel when the alpha dog walks up. Oh, King, King, the King.

The King? Yes. And the King Corso goes like, yes, okay sir, King George. Yeah, and he walks over. He's this scruffy white dog, who like you would never think. He looks like a Disney dog., yeah! Yes, okay sir, King George. Yeah, and he walks over. He's this scruffy white dog who you would never think. He looks like a Disney dog. He looks like white Murdoch, but mean.

Yeah, but then he walks over and he puts the fucking paw on the other dog. Yes, he's like, silence. It's crazy. You wanna talk about aura? That fucking dog is just like, shut the fuck up. I know, he's like, not now. Stop.

He does, he'll be like, dealing with one dog and with his other paw, he'll be like, not now, Derek. Yeah, and they go like, and the German ship is his other paw, he'll be like, not now Derek. And they go like, in the German ship it's like, yeah, you're right, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. But I'm glad Mabel's out of her legal battles. Yeah, no, we're good, we're golden. Did you ever see that woman?

No, actually once, but I didn't even have Mabel in the park. So to clarify a little context, Karen's dog's a badass and got into it with another dog and the owner tried to sue Karen cause the dog might or might not have lost an eye. And then now it's over. So we don't have any, no evidence, nothing, no hard facts, no witnesses, but you have an enemy now. Oh yeah, for sure. You have a full on enemy.

Well yeah, there's a one-eyed pug named Pierre out there looking for me while I'm... Yeah, yeah. Already living a more miserable life. Yeah, yeah, motherfucking Mabel. Mabel took my fucking eye. She's good now though. I hate it.

I hate it. I hate that bitch. I hate my life. Yeah, dude, I'm always worried about, like I get so bitchy white lady when other dogs even snippet myrtle. Yeah. I'd be like, you don't need to do that.

Sometimes I'll like put my hand down. Right, no. But there is an epidemic of, especially in this building, young white women with dogs who don't look up from their phones. Their phones and they have their earbuds in. You're walking around deaf and blind

with a live thing attached to a string. With teeth. Yes. We get on, you know, we have like four elevators. Yeah. There will be, it's a lot of floors. Right. We'll be on, Myrtle and I will be going downstairs

to go for a walk and the door will open and it'll be a white girl with a big golden retriever looking at her phone, getting on the elevator, not looking up. I just don't know how they've lived so long without having experienced anything to teach them a lesson that would make them stop behaving like that. Well, and everyone called that guy

that was punching women on their phones a villain. But in reality. He was a lesson teacher. A teacher. No, that was fucked up. A professor. It's But in reality. He was a lesson teacher. A teacher. No, that was fucked up. A professor. It's so funny when you read a story like that. When you read it where you go, oh, that's fucked up.

Where you go, but. Did she have her earbuds in? There was a lesson to be learned. Eyes up. Head on a swivel. That's all I ask. You live in New York City. Stay aware.

I don't do headphones anymore because of the EMFs, you know, and because I keep losing them. Yeah. So I'm like locked in. I'm hearing, you're hearing, you're seeing, we're locked in together. I'll do headphones in, nothing on. That's a serial killer move. Test me, I'm waiting for you. Creep up on me.

And then I can talk to myself when people just think I'm having a phone conversation. It really is, it's a double-ed double everything. But that problem of like watching, there's been times where like Myrtle's very good on the elevator. I tell her corner and she sits in the corner of the elevator and she doesn't bother anybody. She's like, don't look over here. I'm not looking over there. I'll just look here. This is my dance space. This is your dance space. Exactly. Sometimes she'll bang her head against my leg on the elevator down. She's retarded and adorable. But these women, it'll just open and these women will just come

on there and their dog will go right for mine and have to be like, Hey, I know. And then I feel like you're the Karen. I know. I feel like a dork. I know. But I I've do it. So Mabel's big and a lot of people, it's their little dogs and these little dogs are little fucking like yippers, yappers, and again, Mabel. Mabel is- It's the little ones you gotta worry about. You gotta. Big ones are sweet and soft.

Big ones are big, sweet, soft, dumb, direct. It's the little ones. Little squirrely little fuckers. Squirrely little motherfuckers. But they'll go and they'll like try to, and Mabel's big. So if Mabel returns fire, your dog's dying. Or losing an eye. At something.

Listen, that's how we got there. Maybe that pug was doing some fucking questionable shit. And guess what? Pugs are the worst, dude. Myrtle got your grape eye. She's having a fucking purple grape. Fucking take that thing right off that. You need both those things?

I don't think so. Give me one. I have been- Eye for an eye? Yeah, my grandma's dog. I was talking to Katie about this the other day. Myrtle's out here going, hey, she's talking about dogs.

It's time for me to come out there. Hey Myrtle. My grandma's dog, Buddy. My uncle's dog was Buddy. Yeah, old people love calling there because I think they get so old that they're just like, you're Buddy. What uncle's dog was Buddy. Yeah, old people love calling there because I think they get so old that they're just like, yeah Buddy. What noun do I already know?

Oh, you're my buddy. She had a dog after Buddy that was named Teddy. Yeah. And this was at the end of her life and she would just call him Buddy and I wouldn't correct her. Yeah. If she thinks it's Buddy.

She doesn't know. But Buddy went blind and deaf. But Myrtle, girl, this isn't Girls Gone Wild. Get a t-shirt before you tongue kiss Karen. Oh hell yeah, heavy dyke vibes. Pride month's over. Yeah, queer, why aren't you a woman with a baby and a husband?

She's like fuck you, I love the WNBA. And I unapologetically like Caitlin Clark. And I eat pussy. I eat pussy from the back like a real woman. I'm gay. I'm gay as fuck. Gay. But fuck, what were we talking about?

Your grandmother, buddy, Teddy? Oh, dude, blind and deaf? Yeah. Buddy was like, so close as I've ever came, Fuck what were we talking about? Your grandmother, Buddy, Teddy? Blind and deaf? Buddy was like, so close as I've ever came, there was a moment where my grandma like went to bed and Buddy's just like wandering the house. And there was a moment where I was like, do I kill this dog? And not from a evil, completely from a humanitarian, like this dog is blind and deaf. It just walks everywhere and then it'll just stop

and then just piss. But it's just like so old, it'll just piss on its legs. And it's like, eh, eh. And you're like, all I'd have to do, it was crazy, it was the closest I've ever came to being like, I might do it. Remember in, I think it was Pet Sematary 2 or something when she kills the sister that lives downstairs?

That's Pet Sematary 1. Pet Sematary 1. Yeah, where she's upstairs. She gives her one scoop of oatmeal and lights out. Yeah. How would she eat the pea soup? Or maybe it's pea soup or whatever. What's that fucking, dude, that sister.

That's it, whatever she had. Played by a man. But that, was it? Yeah, it was a male actor. Fascinating. That played it. That makes sense. But she had the spina bifida or whatever.

Yeah, and she was all crooked. And they just left her downstairs to That makes sense. But she had the spina bifida or whatever. Yeah, and she was all crooked. They just left her downstairs to die. And they were like, don't feed her cause she'll choke and die. Don't go upstairs and feed your sister. Yeah. And then she was like, Oh, that scene.

That scene's crazy. It's stuck in my head forever. But yeah, there was a guy in my building, his Cocker Spaniel was 20 years old. This thing is covered in tumors. He's just dragging it around by the leash. It's bleeding everywhere. And I would hear him have these conversations like,

she was a naughty girl today. She peed inside. I'm like, you have a dead dog, sir. Dude, she's 140 years old. Let her go. She's 140 years old. Let her go. Let her fucking die.

Dude, when Buddy died, my grandma was like, yeah, the vet made me put down Buddy. And you're like, yes, that's what I needed. I needed medical interference. Cause my grandma was lonely. She was just an old woman. So I got it. So immediately we had to get her another dog.

But it was like, it would touch you. And it would be like, it was the same feeling when you're in a lake and something swims up on your leg. And I love dogs, but Buddy would touch me. I'd be like, you, you're fucked. lake and something swims up on your leg. We're like, dude, and I love dogs. But Buddy would touch me and be like, dude, you're a fuck, and he'd be like. You've crossed over to the other side already. Fucking kill me. And that's why I just remember clear as day,

her going upstairs at like 7 p.m. I went outside and smoked a joint, and then I was like, Buddy might die tonight. Like I really had that like, do I have the minerals? Give Buddy a bath. Yeah, all right, say goodbye to Buddy. She goes, you mean good night? I really had that like, do I have the minerals? Yeah. All right. Say goodbye to buddy. She goes, you mean good night?

No, goodbye. Goodbye forever. I'm gonna send them up to see Calvin, your old dog. But it's, I mean, old dogs to me are, I remember a one time sale in merch for Bobby Kelly and I didn't have cash on me. And they're like, I got a credit card. And I was like, I don't know know you could go over to that ATM machine

and pull 40 bucks to get this and it was like damn that really messed up the entire transaction. If I had a square, boop boop boop, if I had a square just pop it right on there and get a little charge and sell a t-shirt, I would have been quite the little salesman. Because Square works for one location shops, pop-ups, mobile service businesses and multiple location franchises. Take payments at a kiosk, a counter, a website or with your phone, all synced in real time. That's what's pretty crazy. Square has built-in tools like loyalty and marketing to help you connect with customers

and reward them for showing up again. With Square, you get all the tools to run your business with none of the contracts or complexity. And why wait? Right now you can get $200 off Square hardware at square.com slash go slash Soder. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash G-O slash Soder. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. I feel like that's what's wrong with humanity is we became pussies.

Yeah. Like back in the 30s, if you were a farmer and your dog was old, you're just like, well, we gotta go kill him. We'll go get you a new one. We'll get you a new puppy. Yeah. And there's like, and then they just come in and have fucking dinner. It's not really a livestock guardian.

If it's not alive now is it? Yeah. But now we're just like, but it's my friend. It's so selfish and weird. I don't find it humane. I think it's the opposite of humane. It's so beyond selfish. It's like, I need this warm body sort of still near me. And so I can remember the old dog.

And it's like, no, let it go. Let it go. That's the best part of us. Like I wish we did it to humans. Yeah. I was talking about this this morning. I would have done it on my grandma. Shoot me up with morphine and a little heart stopper when I'm ready.

Peace the fuck out. The second we know it's that we're closing down shop, throw a party. Yeah, yeah. Pump, whatever you want to me, that I can just enjoy the last moments of my life. I want like an IV drip with morphine. I'm gonna start drinking again.

I'm gonna start smoking cigarettes, almost immediately. Totally. I'll get drunk and start telling secrets. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what I really think about you. I just wanna be old to grab someone's arm and tell them a secret. Yeah, with your claw.

And get in time, they your claw. And they didn't die. And they go, oh. They go, Mr. Soda, you're on too much of the IV drip. And they go, I watched the man die. And they're like, oh. Yeah, that's why it's always my friends with kids where they're like, who's gonna take care of you? And you go, the same Jamaican nurses that are taking care of you.

Same. The exact same. The same sweet women. Same sweet. Send me off into the. Soldiers, dude. Yeah. My grandma, those nurses I met at my grandma's places,

those women are fucking soldiers. The way that they talk to these people. Yeah. And they're just like, yeah, I gotta get my job done. And they're like, ah! Ah! And they're like, okay, Mr. Reginald. They just put his hand over it.

He's like, ah! And then they just go home. They probably deal with so much racism that they just ignore too. Cause the whole people don't even realize. Especially the generation that's dying right now. Yeah, yeah. Especially the generation.

They just call him color. They're like, I don't trust you. Hi, Grandma. You just said that. Why don't you trust me? I don't trust you. I don't why don't you trust me? I don't trust you. I don't know what it is. You took my medals. And they go, okay.

But I think it's gotta be kind of fun if you're like a young black dude and there's always old people and they're mentally deteriorated. Oh right, you get to just watch it. Fuck you honky. And they go, ah. Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Tell them that I poked you? I fuck white women. Ah. Just saying all white women. Ah! Just saying all that stuff. Ah! Y'all took rock and roll from us. Ah! Just like freaking out old people as they die. I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm gonna show you my phone

and they're like, oh, what's the dancing? Yeah, dude, we're getting too old, we're getting too good at keeping old people alive and dogs. It's kind of like if you're going to be like old and in shape, that's one thing, like do your thing. But it's too many like old people that are on all the pills and all the surgeries and all the shit that's like, yeah, we're keeping them together for what reason, what like, like, here, I'm going to put a bunch of pins in you and then you can be on oxy and constipated for the rest of your days. That's how good. Someone, the billion dollar idea,

an opiate where you can poop. That's all we need. That's all I need. That's all I need. They'll have flying spaceships. We'll have everything. If you can somehow make opiates. Just combine, put a little flag.

Regularity. How do you do it? A slip and slide poop pain pill. You take one pill and you take the other, like the oxy and then the diarrhea pill. Nice poop. Yeah, and then you're like, because that's how I knew this country had a huge opiate problem. Because they were fighting through the constipation.

All the commercials were like, are you an opiate? because they were fighting through the constipation. Well, the all the commercials were like, right. Are you an opiate? So can't you leave yourself? And you're like, oh, you guys are just straight up doing the commercial for the. You're not even trying to care the problem. Addicts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you guys can't poop. Well, here we go.

We got something for you. Did I have there is a guy in Florida. Do you ever go to the smoking gun? No. Old school Internet website. I still go to it. I love it. You can find if you don't want to, if you want to go to the smoking gun? No. Old school internet website. I still go to it. I love it. You can find, if you don't wanna, if you wanna go on the internet and not deal with like politics

or fucking identity politics. Just opiate with constant baby. No dude, the smoking gun is like straight up. It used to be my favorite thing when I worked overnights at the radio station. You just go on the smoking gun and it's like the police case with the reporting. Dude, there was a guy in Florida,

got picked up for drug use and they had to give him a cavity search and the nurse that gave him a cavity search found a crack pipe of lighter and tin foil with cocaine in it all in his rectum. Oh my God. Do you know how much? What a squirrel. All in a row?

Yeah. Like you lined him up like he was like a little conveyor belt. Choo choo. Boop boop. And he goes, it just plops out. And here's the caboose. It just plops out.

You got the cocaine. Bloop bloop. The lighter. Like he's opening up his jacket. He's like, oh. These are my supplies. Oh, one out of three. Two out of three.

I forget who I was talking about. Somebody had such a bad constipation that they had to go have surgery and unclog their butthole because they just would not stop with the opioids. Oh, because they were such an opioid addict? Yeah. Dude, I got constipation. One time I'm done.

That's it. Never again. I love pooping. Love it. I had to drink a whole thing of Miralax. Yeah. But dude, I took like, there was this, cause I talked about it on the bonfire. And so these people are like, dude,

there's a laxative that Joey Diaz is like, take this cocksucker. Cocksucker, you feel like a million bucks. The best shit of your life. I took. I take a five mile shit. I took two of them. I took two of them. I took two of them.

Yeah. Did nothing. What? Still have the fucking pills in my, did nothing. Wouldn't touch it. I did a suppository. Upsy daisies. By the way, it's-

It goes in your dick, right? Yeah, in my pee hole. I go, whoa. I've never done a suppository. Yeah. I didn't know your butt takes things in like a slurping a noodle. Yeah, where it goes like.

I put the pill in and it went like. Yeah, yeah. I have a pussy, so I'm familiar with this phenomenon. You ladies with your inward suction. We're all, boys are all out pushing. So that was my first time I felt my own inward sucking. And the first suppository worked. Like it went like, I pooped like this.

So it wasn't like a good one. It was just like, and like some shit came out. But then I went up to comedy at the Carlson in Rochester and I didn't shit for like three days. And then this on the Saturday, dude, I remember it was, it was like snowy and I was like in my hotel room and the sun was coming through and I was like, please let me poop.

The sun was like giving me, I was like, please. And I put a suppository in and nothing. And I did the thing where I'm like on the toilet and you're like giving up and you're going like. Oh, it sucks. It's so sad. And then I finished the shows, flew home the next day, drank like two cups of Miralax

and my body was like everything out. Everything out. Evacuate the dance floor. It was the best. It was like Dumb and Dumber. Where you like make that noise. You're like, oh. It was like, spooosh. So much, so much. Spooosh, spooosh, make that noise. You're like, oh, it's like,

it's like, so much, so much. Oh, like different consistencies, like five different poops in one. Long snake, no breaks machine gun, back to the snake. It's like you're switching the shower head. It's like, like the plate of like pasta. You're just pushing it out and you're like, look, it's angel hair.

But dude, that made me, I never realized how much I liked pooping. Oh man, I do this thing. Until you go through a week of constipation. You should try Ye Day. It's this supplement I take almost every night. It has a lot of magnesium in it, and then a shit ton of probiotics and stuff.

I do it every night before bed, and I shit like a dream in the morning. I don't even need coffee. I'm regular though. I know I am pretty regular too, but this is like even more. But it just makes it like. Everything like you know it's all out.

You go get the fuck out of my house. Get the fuck out of here. Oh my house, I gotta put steak in here. I gotta hide a crack pipe in fucking a lighter and tin foil. Also let me, I think I got the article up still. You should see this dude's face. You're the guy who's asshole.

It is so funny, cause you're like, oh yeah, you absolutely shove stuff up your butt. Guys, when I do guys, I'm always trying to goose them and they hate it. Oh, oh yeah. That guy. I'm gonna send you that. He looks so cranky.

He's like, hmm. Yeah, all his stuff got fun. Stuff in my butt all the time. After being hospitalized for injuries, O'Neil, pictured right, was booked into jail for cocaine possession. And then, yeah dude, they found him. A nurse discovered a glass crack, a glass crack pipe.

Dude, if that breaks in your butthole. You're fucked. You are fucked. You gotta go, they're gonna have to, how do they even get in there to get to? Piece by piece, microscopic drag it out. Oh, he goes, I sat down too hard. Yeah.

His face. We were playing musical chairs and I fucked up. I plopped down on the city bus seat, a glass crack pipe, a lighter in tin foil containing cocaine in his rectum. Wow, he really wanted to hide that. Damn, but how good that high would have been. You don't need to hide a lighter.

Yeah, right. I didn't even think of that. Just a bit. So you wanted the lighter. You liked it. You were trying to make a dick. He did like the, he did the Coke and then the crack pipe and he went, why not?

He goes, I don't have any pockets. I need this. I'm going to go. He was just swimming. This one's for me. He goes, I'm spit's like, I don't have any pockets. He goes, I need this. I'm gonna go, he was just swimming. This one's for me. Yeah. He goes, I'm gonna spit on it, cause I'm on the opposite end.

Not the part that'll fuck with the Flint. He's like, on the bottom. I'm a bad boy. Yeah, he's a daddy. I'm a bad boy. A glass guy. She'll never find this. I'm hiding it.

The nurse has to like sigh and go, is there anything else in there? And he goes, keep going. You tell me. I don't know. Binders keepers. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Dude, I'm so glad that I'm not like sigh and go, is there anything else in there? And he goes, you know it. You tell me. I don't know. Binder's keepers. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Dude, I'm so glad that I'm not into a drug

that makes me do that. Yeah, that's really, you know things have gone too far when you're doing things like that. Because booze, we're both booze bags. Yes. And booze bags, you don't like, it gets bad, but you're not like hiding it up your butt. No. You never hid like a,

did you ever hide an airplane vodka in your pussy? No, just in my purse. Yeah, there you go. Well, they're not gonna search it. Or you drink it fast and you go like, that's. I'll hide it in my brain. Yeah. I'm hiding it in my tummy.

It's like an Arthur line. I found it in my tummy. You'll never find it. I always was ashamed. My shame was when people would catch me drinking when I was like, I'm just gonna go throw this away. And then I'd go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

And they'd be like, are you drinking? I'm like, ah, sick. Son of a bitch. You caught me. Or when they would, where I would say I was going somewhere and then I'd go to a bar by that place. And then someone would walk by.

That's happened a couple of times. I used to go to Triona's around the corner from the cellar. And that's where I would drink. And people would be like walking by. And if it was like, I was friends with the bartenders and stuff. So I'd be like by the door drinking my beer.

And then they'd be like, you had another spot. And you were like, Lynn Coplitz lived on the neighborhood and she'd like walk by and she'd be like, what are you doing? And you're like, you didn't see me.

Like with the shot glass. Yeah, my thing, I always thought that I was hiding it well. Like when I started like my relapses or whatever, so I would just show up places, wasted already. I'm like, I'm fine. Yeah, and then I would order like double vodka sprites in a pine glass. And I'm like, it's water.

I'd be like, you're a hammer. It's water. Why, listen's water. I feel like your hammer, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water.

I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water.

I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water.

I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's water. I'm like, it's shows when I was blackout. And then forget about. And then like, they'd be like, hey. Where are you? ETA? It's that bar show in Bensonhurst.

You said yes to. You said you'd come to Coney Island for $20. Staten Island once, where they were like, are you still coming to my show in Staten Island? And you go, when did I say yes to this? I should probably be on the ferry now if it's true. And they're like at Cabin Bar, it was J.F. Harris. Oh, I used to get so the ferry now if it's true. And they're like at cabin bar, it was JF Harris. Oh, I used to get so hammered at cabin.

JF Harris was like, hey, come to the cabin. I was like, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna do it. Anybody would do anything in a cabin. And then I was like, I gotta get on a fucking boat. I was so drunk, I said yes to a boat gig. That's not, they tricked you. Oh, Mack Weldon, I'm talking about, you wanna go from the gym

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I would love to take a time machine. Yeah, me too. Go, like me and you now, go into cabin, and like a red arrow goes over everyone that had to quit drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it would have been like, me and you.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing,

bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing room back there. It was just a kill box. It was very fun, very fun show. And also I would always open Dos Caminos on Friday mornings. Okay. So I had to be on, I had to have the cafe, I had to be on the cafe setting up by 10 AM and that sounds okay. Now, now that I don't drink very doable. Yeah. But we were like getting things started at like two, like I would say about four o'clock. Yeah. And we were like getting things started at like two. Like it was wild. I would stay at cabin till about four o'clock in the morning. Yeah, yeah. And then I would get a fucking large Dunkin' with cream and sugar.

Just to get you pooping and out the door. I explain this to people all the time. My vision was like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every Friday morning after cabin. Yeah, cabin we got hammered. One time I went in, if I've told the story on the podcast before, I'm sorry, but this wasn't after cabin. One time I went in, if I've told the story on the podcast

before, I'm sorry, but this wasn't even cabin. Yannis, my friend Zach and I were drinking at this club called CB's. Do you remember CB's? It was on Bleecker and McDougal. It's the J.G. Mellon. Yes. So we were drinking there and then it closed and we were drinking upstairs at the bar.

And we were like, it was late. We're like, alright, let's get out of here and we walked to the train and The jazz club that's on the corner across from Ben's pizza This limo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this limo was in front of it and Prince got out And Prince walked into the jazz club and we were like we have to go there Yonis and I and Zach were like what the fuck? Yeah, and so we were like, we have to go there. Yonis and I and Zach were like, what the fuck? And so we were like, can we get in? Cause we didn't know if it was like super exclusive. We were all, we were all drunk.

And we're like, can we get in? The guy's like, yeah, absolutely. It's one o'clock in the morning. We go in there, sit at the bar. There was no seats. We sat at the bar. We drank until like four. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, black out.

And I'm talking to the bouncer and I go, we're just waiting for Prince to go up. He goes, man, he was, he left two and a half hours ago. He came in and watched his drummer and then he left. Yeah. You guys like Prince, Prince. I was like, I was at the bar. Like if he does purple rain, I'll cry. I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. I was like, I was at the bar like, if he does purple rain, I'll cry. I'm not gonna cry.

I'm not gonna cry. I was like, please do darling Mickey. And then I had to wake up and go, and I was so hung over that the general manager, Lisa of our restaurant, I was standing next to her and we were talking about something and she just goes, you reek like whiskey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. like whiskey. Please go do something about that.

That's what happens to me all the time. I do not want you taking a table like this. At Sushi Samba, Gina, my manager would be like, you reek. Cause I'd be like, hey Gina, I'm getting ready to go. Coming in drunk to a restaurant job. Still drunk from the night before. Fun. Where's a better place to start drinking again?

You go, like I would come back from breaks on doubles and be like, Oh, oh, all the time. I go, who's ready to taste some enchiladas? Tasting menu, tasting menu. Who's selling empanadas? Yeah. Oh yeah, it's just corn masa, filled with black beans

and cacchis and then just like sit back down and then they do tastings. Let me get that again. Let me get that. Let me get that again. Let me make sure that I know exactly what the Sauvignon Blanc tastes like that I've been serving for two years. There was a giant scandal.

Restaurant scandals are the best. Yes, I know. I did a couple. Yeah. Dude, me and you, I'm surprised we never went to tables. We would have been fast friends. Yeah, we would have been. Because it was all about bringing chaos to this corporate restaurant.

It really was, because we would just be like, who has Adderall? Where'd you put the sake bottle from the night before? Boom, boom, we're ready to rip. So we would go, oh, we're on a private event together. Nice. And we were in the heart of, we were in Midtown. So we were all the, everyone thinks Wall Street's

were all the investment banks. No, it's like Capital Grill. I used to work at Public House. Exactly, Capital Grill, fucking Dos Caminos at the time, we were really popular, our 50th and 3rd. Public House was 41st between 3rd and Lex, and it was- You're getting Blackstone, Bear Stearns, all these dudes that come in. When they asked me, when someone asked me one time

in an interview when I was doing billions, they're like, how did you, how'd you do it? Oh, I did like four and a half years of research waiting tables on all these assholes. I knew all these assholes. Guys. I would come, so this fucking group. You're a hot girl, so it was a problem for you.

12 of them, right? So they're like, each one of them, and we would have like 20 beers on tap. I mean, they would, each of them would order a different fucking pint. Fucking public ass. And I'd be like, can you guys get a pitcher? How about a pitcher?

How about a pitcher? Cause all I'm thinking is carrying 12 separate fucking pint glasses. And one time I'm doing it and this is a lunch and this fucking douche bag stands up to give a toast or whatever the fuck he was doing and backs right into me. And they all, 12 different beers all over me. Let me ask your waiting,

let me ask your waiting table technique. One hand on one hand here. Yeah, but when it starts to go. It was always too late then. There was nothing I could do. It's a domino effect. Do you do this? I should have let it go on them,

but I sacrificed myself like a little lamb. Waiters, if you're watching this, let it go on them. From two former, we used to be in this shit. Let it go, drop it on them. Drop it on them. The worst one I ever had, the worst drop I ever had. Those Caminos, when they would order guacamole,

they automatically get chips and salsa. So they get chips, they get the salsa trio. Yes, okay. Mild, medium, and spicy. And it was in this like, circular, three circles, right? On this thing. So you would have, so if you had an 18 top, you'd have to bring like six salsa trios. So if you're, and you would always be working with another waiter and you'd be like, you

get chips, I'll get salsa trios. We'll bang this out. Yeah. Dude, I had a corporate, like around Christmas. That was when we did our most because they would do Christmas parties at Dos Caminos at like 6 p.m. after work, or we're gonna have our Christmas dinner party. Open bar, apps for this, blah, blah, blah. And we're gonna have your app apps and then we're gonna do this. So I would be like putting the salsa,

dude, I fucking remember this. It's giving, it's making my penis go into my body. I had a tray of salsas and I put one down and I didn't notice I bent. And as I bent, one of the salsa trios went down a woman's back of her neck into her expenses. It was the verde, it was the mild, the chopped tomatillo verde went down her back

and she went, eh, like that. And then I went like, ugh, and they all fucking went everywhere. And just like cleaning up, apologizing. And then you're like, do I touch this woman I just got salsa on? And then you gotta send your manager over, who's like, we'd love to take care of the dry cleaning.

And you're like standing behind your manager like, oh, I'm an idiot. Oh, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. And the manager's like, we're sorry about Dan, he's new. And like, shut up! I'm fucking, you suck, Ken.

You fucking suck. You made the floor plan like ass day. Idiot, it's your fault. Fucking four table section, and what am I fucking new? And then it just like spilling it on someone and them being mad for a legitimate reason. Yeah. Cause you're like, I get it.

I get it. I get it. I wouldn't want to walk around with salsa on my shirt either. I got that bitch down the back of her neck. You're like, maybe if you have longer hair, ma'am. It was a lunch too. Oh yeah. That should go back to work. Sticky, that fucking salsa.

I had so many just like guys be douche bags at sushi sound, but one time it was four guys and they had all just gotten divorced and they were wasted. And that's fun energy. They were fun. This one guy came to me a scarf. He goes, will you throw this in the middle of Park Avenue? My wife got it for me.

And I was like, maybe he's like, I'll give you $700. I was out the door. I was like, sure. Gave me $700 just to throw the scarf. They would just get drunk. But then another time I would have bad things happen. $700 to throw a scarf I know I let me tell you right now. I just split it. I was like this is bullshit. Was it cash?

No, it was like a credit card tip. He left me $700. That's why yeah No, there was a there was a drunk dude I'll tell you the problem of Being a male waiter in Midtown is you would watch the waitresses get opportunities like that. There was this huge party, I wasn't even working that night, but it was such a big thing that it spread

where everyone was like, it was my friend Sarah, who I just saw her and her husband, they came out to my show at Stanford, at the New York Comedy Club. I just saw them on like Friday. Sarah and I forget, I think her friend, Sass, were waiting on this giant finance guy

and this guy was black out. And he just kept handing them. Wadded up hundreds. Hundreds, like $300. But he didn't do it like twice. He did it like, they each made like $1,400. And we were all like, what the fuck? There was a guy that used to come in,

this was before the 08 collapsed, he used to come in at like 06, 07, this was 07, and we had this tequila, this 1800 collection, and it was $250. For like a glass. A glass, yeah. Meat. Yeah.

That's the only way like the liquor rep was like, only sell it neat. Yeah. $250. This motherfucker would come in, Australian guy. Yeah. Would get 1800 collection margaritas. And the girl that was bartending was like,

that's not really how you drink this tequila. And he was like, oh, I don't care how I drink it. And he had three of them. And then would tip her on. 300 probably on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $750. Yeah.

She's making like fucking 200, $300 for one guy. Yeah, I would just steal when I bartended. Yes. Yes. I would create wonderful little mimes on the computer screen while not putting anything in the system and putting all the money in my sip jar. I was like, it's so weird.

I was like, wow, Kerry, it looks like you sold 12 beers, but they're not in the system. You go, huh? Huh. That's crazy. That's weird, must be a problem with the system. Our chaos would be where we'd have, we'd have like a big company would buy the downstairs. Yeah.

So they would close the entire Baja like all, like the main dining room was downstairs, but it'd be completely closed and the managers would be prepping for it. Like it was war. Like they'd be like, we need you're going to be over here. Yeah. Hey, I passed or durves when chef memo says to run them, you gotta run them. But then what we'd do is if you had a bartender on your side, if it was like the rush was over,

you'd be like, you want a prickly pear margarita? And you'd put like two frozen margaritas in, and then we would take the big, the soda straws, and you'd cut them in half so they were small, and then you'd just go like. Like one gulp, you're done, you're so they were small and then you just go like like one gulp you're done you're good then he's like dude we got that so that I worked at most Caribbean that was my first I remember most Caribbean wait your same job and I was what like 1920 like not legal to drink but we all got

wasted all the time and it would be our shoe we get to shift drinks and they were like Karen what do you want for your shift drink I'm like double JMO ginger and they're like you're gonna be do you want for your shift drink? I'm like, double JMO ginger. And they're like, you're gonna be, I'm like, I know exactly what I'm gonna be. The cocaine is on the way. I got the gas, baby. Don't, I'll be flying high as fuck. But then at Sushi Samba, our move was

we would drink the customer's booze. Yes. We would sell them, it was $90 for a bottle of Wakatake Daiginjo, which was an expensive sake. And then you'd put it in the chiller right by the server station. And it just became a one for you, one for me type of game. So we'd all be just lit.

I would love selling a margarita to somebody and they'd be like, our passion fruit margarita was always on the rocks, but people wouldn't read the menu. So they expected a frozen one. So they go, let me get the passion fruit margarita. You bring it on the rocks and they go wouldn't read the menu. So they expected a frozen one. So they go, let me get the passion fruit margarita. You bring it on the rocks and they go, I want it frozen. I go, well, I can do a traditional margarita

with a passion fruit ad if you want it frozen. So you upsell them and you get a free margarita. Done. And then I'm in the back by the ice machine. Then I'm in the back by the ice machine being like. Oh, it's so good. And then tossing it and being like. And then I would get drunk. This is how you knew I was drunk by the ice machine being like. Oh, it's so good. And then tossing it and being like. And then I would get drunk.

This is how you knew I was drunk on the floor. Like when I did dinner shifts, you knew I was drunk on the floor when I'd be like, yo, can you watch my section while I'm smoking a cigarette? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like not even time to smoke a cigarette. Totally, I would do it all the time. Not even near the end of it.

I'm like, dude, let me just go smoke it. Let me smoke a little bit. You do it all the time. I can wash your hands, pop some gum. Hey, we're back. How's the second course doing? Oh my God, dude. Oh my God. Smoking a cigarette during a restaurant shift is the best.

It was good. It was so good. And then also like the, whatever bar you went to after your shift, that first cigarette after the first round, that was fucking great food. I'll tell you, the cigarette to me, it was the after,

cause we had a locker room at Dusk and Elis where you change back into your street clothes. I'm like, did I have any locker? You'd keep your all blacks there, your apron and shit. So it was easy. You just have to like bring them in every couple shifts, bring in clean clothes,

but to switch back into street clothes, to walk outside and light up a cigarette, you're like, after like a double. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After a double in your feet. Well, at public house, me and the girls used to do hoe shit after the shift was over. So we'd throw like our hoe clothes in.

And then go clubbing. And then we'd fuck it because we'd already be half wasted from our dinner shift. So yeah, we'd show, go to the club room and we're like, we're already drunk. Like, come on in ladies. Yeah, oh, and you guys get right in. You're the exact client's hoe we're looking for.

God, dude, it would always be the Puerto Rican or Dominican dudes trying to get us at the restaurant to go somewhere else. Yeah, yeah. We're always be like, now we'll go to the bar around the corner and they'd be like, no, no, no, come to like this way. So she saw that we would go to VIP or 10s,

whatever that place on Park in like 20s, it was in the 20s in between Park and Fifth or something. It was all Russian chicks with really nice fake tits. But they were just like so chatty. The boys loved them, but they were just coming like sit next to us and talk. And I'd be like, I'm not. I don't want this.

I need money. Yeah. And then meanwhile, guys like me would be like pulling out my wallet from the thing. Do you want to drink too? I used to fucking love going out after waiting tables. Waiting tables is the best to get fucked up specifically. It was the best pre get fucked up specifically after.

It was the best pregame because you're earning money while you're drinking already and then you're going out after. Yeah, just having the time of your life. And then when you wake up, but I remember when I would spend all my money at the bar. Yeah, that was tough. And then all I would have is a half a pack of cigarettes

and like six bucks and you'd be like, I want the fucking double. You'd look for your cash wad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, I did take a cab. I know, you did. I did buy fucking pizza. You justify, you're like, well, I'm working again today at four, we're good. The hardest, one of the hardest shifts for me ever was

I used to do doubles Tuesdays and Thursdays. And I got a Caroline's breakout series on Tuesday. So I had to get my dinner shift covered. So I got my dinner shift covered and I worked Wednesday dinner. So Tuesday I did lunch, I went home and it was my first headlining set. Like I think the first time I ever headlined.

And I was like, I got like 110 to 120 people to go to that show. Like everybody I knew, I made flyers. I was like really trying. And I remember the hardest shift was doing a standup show. Feeling so good. Getting paid, drinking afterwards. Everybody's at and then waking up the next day.

You gotta work lunch. That's yeah, I've been there so many times. You wake up and you're like, oh no. There was one time at Caroline's when Louie was, if I recently told the story and you remember it, we can just cut this from the podcast. But Nate and I were gonna meet up and go watch Louis at Caroline's.

This is when he was filming season two of Louis. Okay, okay. And Nate and I were gonna meet up and go watch and meet on Thursday. We're gonna go to a show. And so I go to the bar at Caroline's, I'm like drinking a beer, I'm waiting for Nate. And then like there's chaos.

And they're like, Hannibal was featuring, but he was stuck because he was writing at 30 Rock. He was writing on the show 30 Rock. And they kept him because it was like a writing night. And so he couldn't come do the show. And so Caroline's freaking out because the show started. And they're like, we need someone to go up. Yeah, and they're like, we need someone to go up and I'm like pretty new at Caroline's. Like I had done a couple house shows and they're like,

Soder could you do a guest set? And I was like, yes, this is unbelievable. I can't wait to, and they're like, great. Nate Bargetzi is hosting. Do you know him? And I was like, what? What? I was like, I'm supposed to meet him here. And they're like, yeah, he wanted to surprise you. He thought it would have been cool if you would have walked in cause he got the job that day. And he was like, he was trying to surprise you.

So I got to one up them and they passed him a note that said, bring up Dan Soder. So he was like doing his joke. He's like, my wife's like, I wouldn't take a bullet for you. And he goes, and he looks over and I was like doing his joker. He's like, my wife's like, I wouldn't take a bullet for you. And he goes, and he looks over and I was like, but what's funny, he brought me up. And I just, I did a small set and then, you know, like,

it didn't lead to anything. Like I don't even think Louie watched, but then we watched Louie. But the thing I remember about that was Nate and I were drinking a beer in the back hallway of Caroline's. And I was like, you know what sucks? 12 hours from now, I'm gonna be doing side work. And it was at like 10, 15, I said that,

cause I looked at my watch and then I was at Dos Caminos at 10, 15 shoveling ice into a bucket. And I was like, I fucking knew it. Just being sucked right back in. My last like serving bartending job ever was at this place called Dokebi. And there was, oh no, it was Little Dokebi. Dokebi is this like Korean barbecue place in Williamsburg.

Little Dokebi just does Korean food, but it's not like the grills. But it's like you do everything by yourself. Oh yeah. I hate restaurants like that. Yeah. They're like, here's the meat. And you're like, I don't know how to cook this. Yeah, like, like store the liquor. Like I had to pick up a ladder and like hang it up

It was a very heavy ladder and then slide it over and then like an old library Yes But it would lead to a liquor cabinet that I would have to bring boxes up store liquor like like bring it down to the fridge Just like a lot of manual labor for a five foot one girl Yeah, and this is when I was dating Lewis towards the end of like mine and Louis's relationship. And when he would come pick me up and watch me sit and watch me struggle with this fucking ladder. And I'm like, yeah, I was like, you're six feet tall.

Help me with this fucking ladder. I'm having a Korean cocktail. Well, Louis would be like, just you gotta fucking make things happen, Karen. So you don't have to work here anymore. I'm like, ah! Lewis does have that energy. He's like, now, what are your goals?

Focus on them, achieve them. And you don't, did friends coming to your, friends or lovers coming to- Some of the worst, when they come visit your waitress, waiter job. We just had Yannis on and Yana's and Nate came to have lunch with me on my break between shifts. Yeah.

And that was the first time I ever got recognized from standup. Wow. Was on that walk with them. And they were like, hey, see, you'll be all right. Cause I think while we were walking, I was like, I'm going to kill myself. I can't wait tables anymore.

I can't fucking do this anymore. Cause your friends coming to watch you. I remember this is like probably during a pretty good relapse. I had, do you remember Mookie? Yeah, absolutely. So it was me, Mookie and Micah Fox one night, probably some other people, but we all got wasted.

And Micah and I were kind of fighting over Mookie. Okay, Mookie, good for you. Micah won. Okay. And they went home together. Okay. And Mookie lived in Greenpoint. I think I. Okay. And they went home together. Okay. And Mookie lived in Greenpoint, I think I lived in Bushwick,

and I had to work brunch the next day. And guess who came in and made me wait on them after I lost the fight, both of them. Post-coitus brunch. Post-coitus, they were both like glowing. They're like, Karen, get me a Bloody Mary. Turns out our bodies fit. I was like, what the?

Our bodies fit perfectly. Anyways, are you doing eggs and dumplings? Yeah, I was so mad. They're like, can you just tell us the specials? I was like, I hate fuckers. Oh my God, dude. Oh my God. So mean, bullies.

The only thing worse than people you know are Europeans. Yeah. Waiting on Europeans. Yeah, are Indian people. I mean, Indian people. I didn't know Indian people were bad until I moved here and then every waiter No matter re race gender creed. They were like you get Indians. They ain't gonna tip They're not gonna tip they just and by the way

I Hate when comics say this cancel me It's true and by the way anyone that ever worked at those Caminos and you had an Indian table, say it with me now, spicy guacamole, water, no ice. Water, no ice or hot water. By the way, do you know why though? It does make practical sense when you learn this.

It's like digestive stuff, right? In India, a lot of the sickness can come from ice. The ice, right, because they're just freezing their dirty poop water anyway. It's dirty water that's frozen. And so when it thaws out, you get fucking sick. So I ain't hating I'm on water, no ice. No, it's fine.

But when I did fill up all the water pictures in my station and I had to go get a fucking fresh one because you don't want ice, delicious ice. It's the most American shit that I'll fight for my entire life. 20% is all we're asking. Not even 10%. They wouldn't know. I'd get like five or seven percent. And sometimes they're like, thank you, thank you so much. Man, I%. They wouldn't, no. I'd get like five or seven percent. And sometimes they're like,

thank you, thank you so much. Man. Shut up. I got a kid into Indiana Jones, right? A Dominican, my favorite thing was the bus boys. Cause the bussers, especially in New York City, they're all from the Bronx. They're all like 16, 17 year old dudes. They're all like funny.

Yeah. And they loved me. Yeah, I bet you killed them. I was fucking, I was gringo loco. Yeah, they used to call me Abuelita. Yeah, Abuelita, that's great. They would call me fucking gringo loco or grande loco because I would go nuts and like punch the micro screen and they'd be like, oh gringo loco.

They'd be like, you're fucking kind. They'd be like punching the screen. But dude, my favorite line ever, read a guacamole station, because they think, they don't do table side guac. They make it in like a thing and then they throw it in mocha. This is my favorite story ever working at those screenings.

So we had to have like a lot of prissy waitresses that were like actresses. That were like, hey Enrique, table 40 needs their double guac. And they'd be making this big ass guac. And I just, I thought they were hilarious. And I remember one time I was just chilling in the hutch and they're making guac and they're going like.

And one of them goes, yo, that be sounding like a wet pussy, bro. And they're like. And then the waitress goes, oh my God. And I'm dying. Yo, my man, that be sounding like a wet ass pussy. Funny and shit in the world. Hector the busboy, every time I would reach for a glass,

he would be behind me with like a semi erect penis. Oh no. And just like do like a drive by over my butt cheeks. He would pretend to be reaching for a glass. And he would feel it? Oh, every time. I started elbowing him in the dick though, and then he stopped.

Oh, loco! I'm like, dude, you're rubbing your almost hard dick on me. I don't know how he got it. Maybe he just had a fat dick, honestly. But it would always feel like a little chub, like a little hard. And it would just like be like right over on both my butt cheeks.

And I'd be like, Hector! I'm so glad I was not. Hector! I'm so glad I was never sexually harassed by Consuelo the coffee woman Stop it Consuelo get out from under my apron. I'm sure that I was the problem like a couple like drunk lunches So I say hey Hector Dude the craziest one is I was walking Myrtle

when we moved in here, right? And I like to walk her by Madison Square Park. And there's a really expensive, cool building. And I was walking Myrtle by the front door and I just hear, yo, soda. And I look back and my boy Charlie, who was like my busser, like my, I did lunches. He was like my guy, Laura Ciello, me and Charlie,

she's working the whole section, fucking 12 tables. This motherfucker's a door guy at this fancy ass building. And he's like, I've been here for like, I quit dos caminos in 2011. He's like, I've been here since like 2014. He's like, I got benefits, I control my schedule and shit. And you're like, what the fuck, he's in a nice suit. I'm like, remember've been here since like 2014. He's like, I got benefits, I control my schedule and shit. And you're like, what the fuck? He's in a nice suit.

I'm like, remember when you sexually harassed all those young waitresses? Cause all the busboys would be like, mm, mamacita, they'd come in. Being a woman at a restaurant in New York city is a waitress, cause they never sexually harassed us. No, but we also just like, you would get everything you asked for at the same time.

Like, yeah, maybe Hector would like rub his dick on me sometimes, but would I open my eyes to a little piece of filet mignon and I don't know where he found it. That's amazing. He would be like, here you go, here's a little pollo, pollo para ti, gracias. And then you're like, thank you.

And he's like, I need to get that glass. And you're like, oh, dude. Oh, fine, hurry up, hurry up, Hector, hurry up. There was this girl that, I need to get that glass. And you're like, oh, dude. Oh, fine. Hurry up. Hurry up, Hector. Hurry up. There was this girl that, I forget what her name is, but she was just like the little, she was like tiny, big, like anime eyes. Yeah.

And just a fat butt. And they would wear these like black skirts at Dos Caminos that would show their legs. It was a similar uniform at Dos Caminos. Like we, the same thing at Sushi Samba, black dresses. And then we would have like a brightly colored sash that like the little, our apron would go on. So we were all black.

Yeah. Whenever I see a fucking person in all blacks on the subway, I'm always like, brother, I hope you get staff meal. I hope you're in time for staff meal, brother. Would you ever go back to waiting tables if you had to? No, I would have to be addicted to heroin. I would have to need the money so fucking bad.

Same. It took me so long to let go. Like I won't have to go back. Like I'm talking about, I was on billions, I had a fucking serious XM show and an HBO special. And I was like, every time I was in a restaurant, I'd be like, I could do lunches here. I bet I could walk with like 150, 200.

Same, I still do it. I see like a brunch waitress, just like that used to be my thing too. I worked brunch, I would work Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So I worked in the day, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And Saturday, Sunday, I was the only brunch waitress at this place called Greenpoint Heights That was cash only and groups they would open at 11 and there would be a line out the door So the whole patio would be sat at the same time. Oh my god

No POS system all handwritten orders and I would go and throw and I would make so much fucking money Don't walk with on that? At least 400 bucks. Holy shit. Yeah, I would walk with 400. But I earned it. I would be sweating because I did everything. And the owners of the place would help me out too. And so I would be like, do you want me to tip you out?

And they were like, yeah, you could throw us a little. And I'm like, that's fucking illegal. You're the owner. But I would. But anyway, that was. That's 400 for a brunch. Yeah, so I would make, and I was living in Bush knew that was- That's 400 for a brunch. Yeah, so I would make, and I was living in Bush, like my rent was like 700 bucks a month.

So I would make more than my rent in a weekend. And I would just, you know- I was getting by, but I would make, I would do Mondays off. Yeah. And then I would do, for a while, doubles Tuesdays, doubles Thursdays. But then when I was getting standup work,

I started doing Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Lunches. All lunches. Yeah. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I got to close. Friday was only on Cafe, because then sometimes I would do Friday, Saturday road gigs.

So I need to get out of there early. I need to get out of there at like 2 p.m. so I could go home, grab my shit, and meet whoever I was opening, Bobby or Colin, whoever I was opening for. But dude, closing lunch, I would average $500 a week. Oh, a week. A week.

Not a shift. Not a shift. So four weeks, I would make about $2,000 a month. Because you're still tipping out on those lunches too. That's tough. Walking with like 100 to 150. Yeah. And then it was whatever standup money I would do.

Right, right. But I smoked cigarettes the entire time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I drank every night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know where the fuck that money came from. I don't know, me neither. My rent was 650.

Right. Isn't it crazy? Because I lived in a windowless room in Queens. Yeah. But it would just be like, I would get sh- You just figure it out. You would just like survive. You adapt. Yeah, But it would just be like, like I would just figure it out. You just like survive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so like,

it sucks so much, but I truly do think everyone should wait tables. Just to have the appreciation of like, oh, this, the lifestyle. Like I think they should do it for like, you know, not a week, like live as a waiter or waitress lives for like a few months. Yeah. Especially if your parents are rich. Yeah, because- Because it'll make you more human. It totally makes you more, and it's like-

I would do that if I were very wealthy and I had kids. I'd be like, you're all gonna wait tables throughout either high school or college. And you're cognizant of every cent you make, and when you're tipping people out, you're just so aware of like labor and like what it's earning. And like this for this. Also ripping people off. Of course

You have the choice like and you make up things you see how people get greedy She go Roberto didn't even fucking run my food tonight. I'm not giving him $75 Then you feel like guilty and then you go home you go. Oh, yeah He's sending money back to his family and Uruguay and I'm going like, I need it for a pack of camel wipes. Yep. But I fucking, but getting out, how great was that last day? Oh yeah.

Yeah. That I got, I was, I got fired. Nice. Because I, this was like during a relapse, but I was relapsing and I got caught at Dokeby drinking like on the security cameras. Shout out. And so- Did they show it to you?

No. Because you want to see yourself in the thing. Yeah. I think I was like, I was flirting with somebody else. Like I think Lewis and I had just broken up and somebody like came in to visit me at the bar. And I was like wasted giving them drinks, drinking their drinks and like all over them.

And then there was another couple eating lunch that was like, what the fuck is this whore doing? Like we want our check. The waiter's like, this is cooked wrong. And then you're over there like, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me. You're like, you fucking out of here. But that's like, it was the same day

or like within days of each other that I got hired at Paramount Network to like be a copywriter. So I got a writing job. So I was like, you know, there was a tough week, I think like in between where I was like saving up before like my first paycheck hit, where I was like every dollar,

I was like, I need this for a bagel. But getting out? Yeah. Dude, I got hired by Guinness and I found out and they were like, yeah, you could quit. And it was right before Christmas season. And I was like, I'm done. And the guy was like, the GM was like,

please not right now. Especially at lunch like, I'm done. And the guy was like, I fucked, the GM was like, please not right now. Especially at lunches, cause of all the, and I was like, I'll put in my two weeks then. And then I was the worst waiter for two weeks. If you ate any of those lunches there, I am so sorry. I was smoking a cigarette in the middle of shift,

not even having anybody look at my section. I just go outside and smoke. And then I come back in and I was like smoking. And they're like, you like turn into that Ross Geller thing and they're like, where are you? I was like, smoking. And they're like. You like turn into that Ross Geller thing. Like Dan, we're gonna let you go. Fine by me. Yeah.

I was like, oh no. Oh, what am I gonna do? Like I was drinking like, you know how you're supposed to only drink sodas and like the cones? Yeah. I said the full, like a pint glass of like Pepsi and they're like, Dan, what are you doing? I'm like, I might go look at it.

I got caught. Cause I was friends with all the guac guys and the bus, the busters may guac. Those are my guys. Who are your guys? So the move was order a side of flour tortillas to one of your tables. The kitchen runs it.

You intercept it. You get a basket of hot flour tortillas. You get a side of guacamole, go up there and just fucking dip those. And then I got, I mean, I got caught in my last two weeks, maybe five times. They'd be like, your tables are looking for you. And I'm just like ripping off tortillas. But are they looking within? Well, they're not seeing me. The waiter, Dan, I'm quitting, but God, it was the best. Leaving with all my stuff in a bag, out of my locker was like.

Going to, have you gone to eat there after? Yeah, that's the best. Tipped fat as fuck too. Yeah, I feel like, hey guys, remember me? I tipped 100% I think. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I ate on the cafe, cause it's closed now.

But my friend Mark and I, my buddy from college was in town and I was like, it had been a while, it may have been like five years since I worked there and I was like, let's go to those Camino. Let's go ball the fuck out. And I was doing the off the menu order, I was going, hey, can we do shrimp quesadilla closed? And they'd go, we can't do that.

And you go, who's the chef? They go, David. You go, go ask David. And then what's funny is I wasn't, no one knew who I was then, but that was the closest I felt to being a major celebrity. But they're like, Dan Soder's back.

And they're like, he's at table 242. They're like, guys, guys, guys, all these Mexican dudes with spiderweb tattoos on their elbows coming out, being like, now they're like, guys, Francisco, how are you? Good to see you. Stop quack and roll. Quiet.

Consuelo was like, Dan. She was the coffee lady and she, I would get, I'd be so hung over that I'd be like, Consuelo, I need like just cappuccino after cappuccino and I'm like, just going out there. And then by the end of the shift, you're like, my heart's gonna fucking pop. Yeah, that was me in green tea at Sushi Samba.

Yeah. A lot of green tea, so you know, it's unlimited. So you didn't hate the food by the end? No, maybe, cause like, the food on the menu was always good. Every item is good, but like I would make things off menu that I started to find disgusting, that were just like free. Like you can have as much sticky rice as you want. Okay. And then I would put things off menu that I started to find disgusting that were just like free.

Like you could have as much sticky rice as you want. And then I would put spicy mayo on it. I would call it Asian mac and cheese. It was disgusting. Now I think about it makes me sick. But at the time on a hangover stomach, like rice and spicy mayo, it's just expanding in your stomach

and you're ready to go again. Beautiful. I used to do, I used to go across the street to McDonald's and I'd get sausage and egg McMuffins. And then we had our homemade Chipotle aioli sauce. And I just dunked the shit out of that, hung over, just having grease.

And then I'd have like, I'd have a fucking pint glass of Sprite from, and once you know how to control the, the, the like, the syrup and the bubbles. Yeah, you are unstoppable. You can get it to a level that only McDonald's could touch. Sprite makes me think of the double vodka Sprite I ordered my very first shift at Public House.

I had worked lunch and I had worked dinner and in the middle of the dinner shift, Lynette came out to me and Lynette was a bad ass. She was from like Jersey, like black hair, skinny eyebrows, iridescent lipstick, real tough fucking talker. She's like, I need a cocktail server. I was like, I'm not doing it, I'm on a double.

She's like, I'll give you an extra 100 bucks. I'm like, fine, but I'm gonna get wasted too. She's like, fine, whatever you want. I was like, double vodka sprite. So I start pounding double vodka sprites. I am blacked out. And cocktail, what you're saying, you're cash and carry. So you get a bank from the bar.

So they just give you like a hundred dollars. And then you're supposed to be making change with these. It's dark. It's music. It's like, I just say, Lynette comes up to me at the end of the night and she's like, according to your number, like you have sales, like you should have two grand.

And I was like, what? Oh no. She's like, where is your envelope? And I was like, in my special place. And she's like, what? And then I flicked her in the forehead and she grabbed my arm. She's like, you're fucking fired.

And then the next day I had to come in and get chastised. Holy. So what, you just fucking dunked her? I went like this to Lynette. Everybody knew the next night. Everybody would come up and fake flick me. They'd be like, Karen, Karen. That's very funny.

That's, dude. here's my other favorite part about waiting tables is people aren't usually in their best place mentally and they do wild shit. Wild shit. You come in and be like, you know that new guy that was there? And you're like, yeah, he's like, he shit all over the private dining room floor.

And you go, I, he shadowed me. He seemed nice. Public house was like a corporate place. dining room in Florida. I, he shadowed me. He seemed nice. Public house was like a corporate place. Like it was really fancy and like, just you would get so many suits in there for like lunch and dinner, but then come nighttime, they would like start charging a cover at the door.

And like a club and like you could reserve different tables and get like bottle service. And we'd be like on the bar, like dancing and like pouring shots down people's, it was like three different places in one. That is crazy. Dose was very corporate. And it was very like, we're, we need to look great. I mean, my manager, my old manager, Eric,

like comes out to shows of mine and he lives in the Bay area. And he would like, they would try to control me. And I'd be like, dude, I don't take any of this seriously. You can't make me. When we were outside on the summer in the cafe, we'd have to put black, the napkins over cause we had like metal water pitchers. So you'd have to put the napkins over so the sun doesn't make the water hot.

And I used to just like rip my one hitter and think it was so funny when people were walking by to pull the napkins like it was a magic trick. So they walked by and I go like that. And they'd be like, what? It'd be like a business man walking to the bathroom and you'd be like, what? They're like, that's funny. And then we had a DJ, my friend Mike Salerno, a DJ,

and they would like play it through the speakers. And he was playing goodbye horses. That song that's like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, from Science of the Lambs. And my manager was sitting there, Eric, and I'm like typing stuff in and he's like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, from Science of the Lambs. And my manager is sitting there, Eric, and I'm like typing stuff in and he's like, you know, he's like looking out over the cafe like a manager and I go, hey Eric,

and I pull my chapstick out and I start doing it and he goes, as I'm doing it, he goes, soda, don't. And I like do it with the chapsticks up and it's like, ooh, ooh, ooh. And then I put it on my lips and he's like, soda, don't do this. And our aprons were long.

So I grabbed my apron from the back and I pulled it through like it was tucking. So you just saw my drink tray and I went, would you tip me? I'd tip me. I'd tip me so much. And like watching him be just a regular guy and break. He's like, son of a bitch.

You fucking got me. I could talk wedding tables with you all day. Two news days, we don't have to do it anymore. For now. For now. For now, we might be back. No, never. Karen Feehan's hilarious.

She has a special out on, is it on OnlyFans? It's on OnlyFans TV. OnlyFans TV. GoFans TV. Yes. Go watch her special. Thank you. Listen to her podcast. Follow her on social media. She's the best I've known Karen for a long time.

100 years. She's always been hilarious, but it's been great watching her get her shit together and become successful. Aw, thank you. I've been a big fan of that. I love you guys, bye. Um, I love you guys, bye.