Soder - 93: Two Guys Talking About Poop with Marc Maron | Soder Podcast | EP 91

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

Support the sponsors to support the show! It’s finally time to stop crushing your balls in uncomfortable jeans by going to theperfectjean.nyc Our listeners get 15% off your first order plus Free Shipping, Free Returns and Free Exchanges when you use code SODER15 at checkout. That’s 15% off for new customers at theperfectjean.nyc with promo code SODER15  After you purchase, they’ll ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them we sent you. F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean. https://theperfectjean.nyc/ As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out, with Betterhelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp dot com slash SODER That’s BETTERhelp.com/SODER https://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/?go=true&slug=soder&utm_source=podcast&utm_campaign=1378&utm_term=soder&promo_code=soder&landing_page_img=https%3A%2F%2Fd3ez4in977nymc.cloudfront.net%2Faffiliate_images%2Fc8f1e33eccfdd97908db536def2e7dbd2d9ae59240ff77c0f1ee89f46ed7f544.png&aff_channel=podcast&discount_rate=10&discount_period=P1M&date_interval=P1M&percentage_off=10&amount=1&amount_spelled_out=one&unit=month&gor=start The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city! Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tour Aug 15 -16 Wilmington,NC Sep 5-6 - Phoenix,AZ Sep 25 Los Angeles, CA Sep 26 Seattle, WA Sep 27 Portland, OR OCT 3 Tucson, AZ Oct 4 Denver, CO Oct 9 Knoxville, TN OCT 10 Atlanta, GA Oct 11 Louisville, KY Oct 24 Providence, RI OCT 25 Nashville, TN NOV 7 San Antonio, TX NOV 8 Austin, TX NOV 13 Iowa City, IA Nov 14 Minneapolis, MN NOV 15 Madison, WI NOV 21 Kansas City, MO NOV 22 St. Louis, MO DEC 5 Vancouver, BC DEC 6 Eugene, OR DEC 12 Columbus, OH DEC 13 Royal Oak, MI Follow Marc Maron https://www.instagram.com/marcmaron/?hl=en https://x.com/marcmaron?lang=mr PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  Mike Lavin  @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Los Angeles, California, September 25th. I am going to be at the United Theater. That's downtown. I know you don't wanna go downtown, but come and see a great show. I will be in Wilmington, North Carolina at the Dead Crow Comedy Club, August 14th through the 16th for five shows.

Seattle, Washington. I'm gonna be there September 26th. Long Island, New York. I'm back at the Belmore in Long Island on Saturday, August 23rd for two shows. Two shows at the Brokeridge Comedy Club. And then, speaking of hot, Phoenix, Arizona. I am gonna be at Stand Up Live for four shows.

I'm gonna be there September 5th and 6th at Stand Up Live in Phoenix. It's a huge room. Come on out, I haven't been to Phoenix in a while. DanSoda.com for all dates, including the Golden Retriever of Comedy. That's the theater tour that kicks off in late September in Los Angeles. We got all the dates listed and all the dates are up on my website for sale. DanSoda.com for tickets. I did do a joke about it. I said, I don't know what the new media landscape is, but according to my reels, it's just two to three white guys sitting behind Mike's talking about

the last time they shit their pants in public. That's what it is. By the way, that's just mediocre afternoon radio for everybody. You know how that's, you know how they call religion the opiate of the masses? Yeah. The new opiate of the masses is just white dudes talking about shit in their pants. Yeah. That's what it is. I was sitting around going yeah I pooped. Yeah. Has it grown up? When was the last time I shit my pants? Good question. Great question. Great. Let's field that. Let's not talk about arms deals. Let's talk about when's the last time you squirted in your pants. But more people do need to go into a serious thing.

More people do need to talk about shitting your pants. Look, if it's an ongoing thing, you might want to consider seeing a doctor. Now, you grew up, you grew up in Albuquerque. Yeah, it's just there. Yeah, which is I grew up in Colorado. I know. So we're in the zone of no humidity. I know this is, I grew up in Colorado. I know. So we're in the zone of no humidity. I know, this is like, but I lived here for years.

I know, Astoria. And this is like the damp time. Yeah. You just always damp. You used to have a really funny joke about Astoria. We were like, yeah, why don't you come out to Astoria and try seal meat. Did I have that joke?

It was something about that where you said, everyone in Ast story is beige. Yeah. Really? Come out here and try seal me. I forget my jokes, dude. Some guy said to me, I did Morning Joe this morning. Yeah.

And some dude in the building, like 30 Rock, was like, I remember you back in the day from Conan. I've been here like 30 years. I remember there was this one time you were running down the hall on a speedo and I'm like, I don't think that was me. I think I would remember that. I think that's enough that I would remember.

I would remember that one. People do that at comedy clubs. I've been in it long enough now where people are like, do you remember when you had that joke where you said you'd rather drink, cum, than forgive your father? And you go, I don't, that's crazy. I don't think that's mine.

You know what I think? You're drinking? maybe I said, maybe I think the joke was, oh yeah, it's just skewers. There's primitive meat going on in the story. And it was just a, a quarter. Yeah, it was a skewer of like lamb hearts wrapped in intestine, just turning on it. You know, I remember like girls would come out, you know, and stay with me in Astoria. We'd the next morning walk to get a coffee to actually introduce each other. Yeah, not it. Not under the the

guys of night. Yeah, you really find out and then you just like turn on the 30th Avenue and there's like four lambs skinned and she's like, ah, I can't believe you let me come on your tits. It's like stuff like that as you're walking in to get a coffee. If it's Easter time, they're the heads. Yeah. Just heads and head, lamp skulls in the window. And they put the eyes back in.

Yeah, it's an Easter thing. Yeah. That was always fun is to hear the Greek Easter because you'd be like, you would see the celebration. Yeah. So Greek. Yeah. So Easter would come and go and you're like, Easter's done. And then like a week later, you're like, why is everyone freaking out about Easter? Yeah. Yeah, you're like, oh, yeah, they have their own It's a whole thing the Greek Orthodox I didn't really understand it

I didn't understand a lot of things out there because I like down there right when you get off the train I was at 30th Ave 37th Street. I remember I was I was one Avenue away from you I was on 31st and 20. Well, it was like a fucking Fellini movie. It's like they're dressed like it's 1974 and they're all sipping these giant iced coffee things. You're like, eventually, what is that? And it's got a name and it's too sweet. I loved it though. The greatest part was the World Cup in Astoria.

You just hear loud crowds in bars like Brazilians. Or the Colombians. Yeah, the Egyptians Egypt won the Africa Cup and it was like a Saturday Yeah, and I go outside to smoke a cigarette and I'm like is the world ending? Yeah, and it's just a I wasn't even aware that you guys were in a competition. That was great, though You walk up to like Steinway and take a left off a 30th. It was all Egyptian. Yeah. And eventually you're gonna eat everything there. You're gonna

like try the sweets. Yeah. It's all different. It's basically just filo dough and nuts and honey and about 90 different shapes. You can dip stuff into oils. Dip bread into different oils. I wasn't aware of Greek racism until I moved there. I'm always very fascinated. That's why you put any ethnicity in there. I was not aware of blank racism. Not like the Greeks. I'm telling you, the Greeks,

there is white on white racism. You get to a point where it becomes impressive, where you go, you really have to stick with this. Sure. Like you're trying. Black racism, it's easy. That's beginner racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dark, bad. Yeah. You're trying black racism. It's easy. That's beginner racism. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dark bad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Brown bad. Brown bad. Eww. Don't like it. Smells different. Yeah. Don't like it. White on white racism. You have to like dig in. Yeah. Well, some of those older, you know, ancient countries, they've got racism that goes way back. Yeah. Where

you're like, oh, it was a battle in 13 BC, where you got your fucking emperor got killed by a guy and you guys hold on to that. Yeah, it's never going to go away. Like, I didn't know Greeks and Turks. Oh, yeah. But that's more modern. I should at least know that one. Well, there's some bad stuff that went on there. And it's in the Armenians, too. I live in a big Armenian neighborhood.

I don't know what's going on. My mom business. You go, I do believe you guys had a genocide. I'm gonna acknowledge it. I'm gonna keep my promise. I know that you went through some stuff and this is your town. I'm good with it. But I've told this story before. When I first got on this MTV2 show, it was the first time I got like a real paycheck.

Yeah, yeah. Like a good paycheck. And there's all these furniture stores in Astoria. And I was living with Mike Vecchione Garbage comic sure it's just all this furniture on Steinway. I was living right on 31st Street under the train, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I was under the end of okay. Yeah. Yeah, and there's all these furniture stores and I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna buy a couch. Yeah, we have a big living room tiny bedrooms But a really big living room in a shit couch from us back in the day where you could buy a couch without going online without going on

You literally I walk you thought like I'll just walk it back. You guys help me walk it back You know, it's so funny is you have that joke in your special right now about going to buy a vacuum after being online And you're like this machine kills fascists. Yeah, you know and it's like you really the face-to-face Oh, yeah of you gotta do it buying stuff I don't know when's the last time you've returned something to a store, not online. You know who's real good at that? Where's my phone that's buzzing?

I don't know, it's jingle jangling. Oh, here it is. There you go. It's my ring. Everyone's wearing a form of bathing suit in New York right now. The only reason I'm in jeans is because I came home and showered.

These are legit shorts. I know, but they all look, they all look That's because bathing suits. swimsuit adjacent. Kinda, yeah. I know but they all look they all look that's because bathing suits swimsuit adjacent. Kind of yeah. I bet you could jump into a pool at that and you wouldn't be upset. I like this brand. Yeah. Oh no yeah but Target's real good at returning. You can return anything at Target even if you didn't buy it there almost. But I have it I would yeah you just take it in you go. No I got this at the other Target but we don't sell these the other Target. They go, they're probably onto some new shit. We don't even know about it.

But I went, I took a shirt back. I haven't returned something in person. It's since before COVID and to be at the power of a 16 year old girl. Yeah, I forgot what that was like. Sure. I had a box of t-shirts and I brought it back and I went, Hey, these didn't fit me the wrong size. And she went, I don't know, the box is broken. And then watching her rise to this warlord

and be like, I will check downstairs. And I'm like, bitch, you're 16, give me my money. I want my money back. You got someone committed to a service job. That's so rare. It is rare. Because you're expecting her to give you her mixtape or slide you her only fans card. And you're like, Oh no, you're, you're just a girl that works at it.

You're taking some power. And I liked it. I kind of liked, I kind of liked being like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a customer. May I please have my money back? And it was this in in-person moment that I haven't felt in fucking years. Well, that's what's good about human interaction. You know, you get to feel those moments where you're like, what's you? You have to respect the situation. It's what's disintegrating right now because of social media.

Of course. And you can't just yell into a mic or be anonymous. You have to the woman's like the box is broken. You got to be like, oh, I did rip it open like a chimpanzee, which, by the way, that's exactly what Katie said when I opened it. She goes, you didn't even try them on. You just ripped it open. I went to shirts. They're going to fit. Yeah. And I put it on and it was like tight and I was like, and she's just watching me. She's like, they're going to fit. Huh? And then the second I brought it back to the store,

girls like, I don't know. That box is damaged. She take them. Yeah. Of course it takes theirs. And then they went up and they're like, you just got to refile them one by one. But then you're watching bureaucracy crush this woman's power in the moment where they go, well, you got to do this and fill out these. And she's like, just so this motherfucker can use 50 bucks. That's the last time she's going to commit to her little job. Yeah, that's why CVS in New York. I love the attitude because

I get it. Yeah, you can just steal stuff, I guess. Not anymore. I got everything's locked down. Everything's locked up. Detergent is locked down. If I want to go buy deodorant, I have to mentally prepare that I have to get led into a fucking vault.

God forbid you got to buy rubbers or lube or something. I mean, dude, buying lube used to be a thing where you were like, and then you go and you like put it with stuff and you're like, warming jelly? That's for my grandma. She can't get wet anymore. Good excuse. That's the first one that comes to mind. My grandmother's getting grandma. She can't get wet anymore. Good excuse.

That's the first one that comes to mind. My grandmother's getting fucked. I want to help her out. Man's a little dry. Not for me. It's not for me. It's her Vietnam husband that's just getting his skin torn off.

He's got some Viagra coming, so now it's a whole new game. I'm trying to beat the pill free-fill so a man can enjoy yourself, but there is this thing of like, you have to buzz in like you're launching a nuke in order to get the other I just went there today. Yeah to was drink Dwayne read I like it's weird when I travel for some reason I go to towns and I just buy the same shit all the time It's because I forget it here or I don't bring it and then eventually you're like who gives a fuck, you know

But like I I didn't forget, but this humidity, like I get athlete's body, not just athlete's foot, the thigh, everything, everything. It's just like, it's just like my skin is like just fungus prone. This is the only, I don't do any deodorant. In the woman's, you don't do any? No.

Even under your armpits? Nothing, ever. You know what I can't smell? What? I have no sense of smell. Well then what do you care? Exactly. This is the first time where I ever go like this.

I'm usually doused. You almost said it like a threat and I was like, brother, I'm bulletproof. You could have rolled around a dog shit. You're gonna be busting my balls? I can't smell anything. When's the last time you've, you fucking freak, you can't even smell anything.

I go, guy's right. It's like a bean pump. I usually douse myself in patchouli, so it makes up for it. It's just, here's the thing, antiperspirants never worked. I'll sweat no matter what. Even mitra? No, that was out.

So the deodorant thing, I'm very sensitive to smells. I can't stand them. You're the opposite of me. Oh yeah, but there's some I like, and I just don't, I don't use, some soaps, it just annoys me. So if something smells particular, you're like, it's just like it doesn't it just it just feels so fake and gross.

Like people use like I don't use smelly detergent. I don't use I don't use smelly laundry sheets. And you're all natural. Kind of man. Yeah. Because I can't smell rely on everything having a scent because I don't know. And I'm not just gonna-

So you overdo it? I'm gonna overdo it. I'm not gonna go out there and just risk stinking. Cause no one's gonna tell you. Yeah, but how bad can, like some people just smell bad. I don't believe I smell bad. Yeah, but when people smell bad. Even my body odor, I'm like, it's pretty good.

There's no, no one goes, you stink. Yeah. They go like, hey, all right, I'll see you later. And you walk away and they go fucking guys. Smells. Wow. Did you? And then it goes around. What did he eat? You go, you know, soda fucking stinks. Is he sweating pee? I think he drinks piss. It's like a thing he does. We can't smell. He thinks it's gonna bring it back. But yeah, I'm

fascinated with like, I have to make sure I have deodorant on because I don't want to smell. I'm just trying to hold back fungus. This is the first summer I've ever had. Like some reason, and this is medical, so if it's triggering. Skip over. Here's my camera. It's triggering to hear about skin fungus.

No, since I was a kid, I've had this tinia versicola thing that keeps coming back. And it's like some sort of I don't know It's some sort of funky thing, but it kind of discolors your skin. It gets a little scaly and sure So this is the first summer somehow or another went to the dermatologist. I'm like, let's get ahead of this What can I do and I've tried my whole life because I was concerned that I would at some point become albino Oh, just like it would grow over your head and Wake up and be like

Now I'm a superhero would grow over your head and wake up and be like, Oh my God, now I'm a superhero. But, uh, no. So I, I just, I got the shampoo and I got the, you know, some of the creams and I'm like, all right. And I went back to the dermatologist and I was like, you're clean. I'm like, fuck yeah. So now I get that the antifungal powder. I'm just like, I'm staying ahead of it. Get this the fuck out of here. I've always surprised, uh,

this kind of weather without when you don't grow up in humidity or then you live in it, you go like, I don't know. He's a Queens kid and you're just like, I, there's no way I could have fucking grown up in this because, you know, I was here for years, dude, with this stuff. And it's just like, the thing I like about it, cause he had a sober guy. It's like, you you're out in this all day. You feel wasted Yeah, and also like on this come home and you're like, I'm drunk on humidity

Everyone on the train looks like they're in a walk of shame Yeah, everyone looks like they just had a bad night and they couldn't change my favorite thing is yesterday I came home from the walk and I told Katie this yeah Sometimes there's these days that it's so gross in New York that the city goes collectively and without telling anyone they go Shorts day. Yeah, everyone wears shorts. No one looks cool today Yeah, you see guys in shorts everyone's in shorts and you're like everyone's like hey cuz you know in the fall you see people You go. Oh, they put that that look together. They look great. Yeah, New York's got a lot of cool That's what they wait for that. Yeah, that's a good time

But this time right now in July, they go short day. No one's cool. And everybody my age or older just looks like they're dying. Yeah. Yeah. Where you want to give them a water. They're trying to have the nice shorts and everything, but they're like, and everyone's there. You get, you're getting handed bottles of water like a bum where they just go, here you go. Or like a marathon runner. There's just people on the corner. Just a cup and you're like, ah, ah.

But back to the Astoria. Oh, let's get back to the couch. To the couch, to the Greek racism. What happened with the couch? So you buy a couch. I go to this furniture store, and the guy's like, I want a big sectional couch. So I measure it, I'm like that.

Like an L? Yeah, like an L couch. And I go, this is great, it's soft. I'm like, yeah, like an L couch. And I go, this is great. It's soft. I'm like, this is great. Guys like, $1,200 cash. And I'm like, great. I got $1,200 on me.

You didn't play the game. No, I went, I'm such a mark. I'm such a mark. Me too, I just don't want to do it. I don't have the confidence to do it. How about a thousand? Yeah, where I don't want to go 900 and I give you fucking, you know, grape leaves wrap. But I was like, yeah, I got 1200 on me, we can do that. And then his eyes light up. So I know he's kind of fucking me somehow.

And he's like, all right, and you're doing the work order. And he's like, where am I delivering this? I'm like, I live on 31st Street. He's like, great, last name? And I go Soder. And he goes, Soder, what is that? I go, it's Swedish. He goes, you're not Greek?

I go, I'm not Greek. He goes, I'm not Greek. And I go, I'm not Greek. And he goes, I'm not Greek. And I go, Soder and he goes Soder what is that I go it's it's Swedish he goes you know Greek I'm not Greek is 1900 2100 dollars couch I go what the fuck dude and he goes I thought you were Greek not really yeah just unapologetically like to the point I was not for you I went oh fuck you then anyway fuck you and I walked out and went through a different furniture store and bought a couch for $2,200 Yeah, I didn't even get the deal somewhere else. I paid what I would have paid that but it was so crazy watching that guy go

Yeah, absolutely. You're not fucking Greek. I'm not giving you well I think that was such an insulated community for so long was a story. I had the second most amount of Greek people outside of Athens Yeah, we have a large story. My building was not Greek owned. It was owned by, where was he from? Like he was South American. His name was Carlos. And where he came from, Dominican Republic maybe,

he was a dentist. But he couldn't practice dentistry here unless he went back to school. And he was a little muscle building little guy, but he used to be a dentist. And now he owns a building and he just works out at the gym. And I remember my friend Jody, who lives downstairs, I think she might still live in the building. He, uh, she had a problem with her oven.

And he came up and he looked in the oven. He goes, if it was a mouth, I could fix it. I like him looking in there and suppressing like the bottom low, like it's a tongue. Let me take a look at that. Yeah, that's a these guys came by we had a you know I lived with comic Mike Vecchione for 10 years. Oh yeah, how's he doing? He's great. Oh good. He's put on a fantastic special as well. There's a leak in the there's a leak in the kitchen sink, right? And it went down and it got in the floorboards and it warped one of our floorboards in our kitchen that's under linoleum. Yeah, so it pokes up poked up

It was like a ramp. Oh, so it's flat linoleum not linoleum tiles It's flat linoleum rolled linoleum. Yeah, so it was like a little tent. Yeah Eight years we had that I would call Anthony. I'd go Anthony. You gotta fix our kitchen go thing I'm out of another property. I can't get there to whatever dude. One time I'll be out here forever forever. He never fixed it. We moved out and we're like, all right, buy speed ramp. Like we're going to miss you. Listen, we both know it is not pant season right now. It's summer. It's short season, but guess what? It's flying by. It's August. And pant season is almost here.

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Get rid of those khakis. Get those perfect jeans. It's almost pants season, baby. I remember there was a bed bug problem in the building. Bed bugs in the story are. And I held onto that place forever and there was a couple of people some guy just ripped me off a friend of Jody's and Stolle's who lived downstairs a musician he lived there for

months never paid me then this photographer moved in but there were bed bugs and I came back in 2004 I held on to that place for years. When did you get it originally? Probably 90 I think 95, 96. It was a two bedroom with a kitchen. It was nice. I'm trying to remember how much I paid for it. Does 22 sound right? Yeah, I was paying 22 for a two and a half

around the corner. Right, that was cheap, right? Yeah, it was really cheap. And, but I remember like with the bed bug thing, I had an exterminator to come in. And when the building has it, you're fucked. You can't do anything. Cause they just move. Yeah, and they never bit me but you get obsessed with them, dude I covered everything in plastic. Everything was encased

I'd never been more organized in my fucking life And I just remember this wheezing East Indian dude comes over and he's got the sprayers He's like he could barely breathe. Yeah, he's not wearing a mask and he literally said this stuff doesn't work I miss DDT. Oh my god Yeah, well made babies born with two heads. Yeah, and you apparently can't breathe He's like I miss the DDT Exactly. It was even pull it. can't even pull it. You had bed bugs? I never had them, but Mike Vecchione had them.

Remember how terrifying it was? Dude, he had them in so bad that he was... He had PTSD. No, it makes people crazy. He had it seven times. So he would like move all his stuff to the middle, they'd bomb it, he'd put it back, and then they'd come back.

And it was the building. It wasn't him and the building kept blaming him. Yeah. And this is when he lived in crown. I can't kill them. They're prehistoric to they are. And what's funny is the the ruse that I've never even known if it's true or not. The beagle, the dog. I don't know if you had that. I don't know what that was. Like I think in Queens, it was a commercial where they'd be like, do you got bed bugs? Bring Buster the beagle over. He'll smell them. So instead of you having to check, they just bring just bring a dog and if your dog if the dog smelled your mattress and barked They'd be like you got bad bugs. That's a racket. There's a hundred percent. They knew people were nuts because

What bed bugs are they only come out at night? You never see them. Yeah, and they bite you and they bite you in like weird crop circles Yeah, I never got bitten though. I think women get it worse They the funny women the bug the funniest bed bugs thing I've ever seen is I worked at this Mexican restaurant in Midtown in one of those like high rise buildings and we were downstairs. There was a locker room downstairs where everyone got changed. So you could keep your all blacks there and then like it was great for me because I do lunches, change into my regular clothes, go to stand up and yeah. So we're down there and there's like restaurants attract the newest members of New York. When you moved to New York York you get a job at a restaurant that's how

like a lot of people girls from st. Louis and she's like in the locker room she's like and you know it's bussers at runners everyone's changing in there yeah and this girl's like yeah I don't know my arm is itchy I like have this and this this you hear this to make a guy go fucking bed bugs, fucking bed bugs and everyone just scatters out of their locker room and she was like what and they're like these seas on her arm and everyone's like you got fucking bed bugs and she was like what does that even mean? Like someone had to explain to her what bed bugs were. We're like bed bugs living here. Explain to her the the next two years of her psychotic life trying to get bed bugs out of her new

apartment. You're going to go crazy. You're going to go crazy. But someone had to, I remember someone telling her, did your mom ever say sleep tight? Don't let the bed bugs bite. Yeah. And she went, yeah, well there are bed bugs. And she went, no, that's not real. You have it, you have it. And then she came back and she was like, I gotta's not real. And you're like, you have it, you have it. And then she came back and she was like, I gotta get the beagle. It was like a video.

It was like, I gotta call the dog. But those like bed bugs, you would see the thing and be like, you're fucked. Oh, you could even wanna sit on a train. You don't wanna get close to it. Yeah. It was like the pre-COVID, COVID. Yeah, it really was.

It is, and it still goes on. Cause people go like, oh, there's like a bed bugs outbreak. I worry about it now when I stay in like an old Hilton if I can Hilton any fucking hotel You don't know like even the nicest hotels. Yeah come in on the in the luggage or what? Yeah, but there's not that here's the problem is you can't you usually can't find them. No, you have to do like little tricks There's like you could put oil at the bottom of your bed or some shit like that. I don't know. But like if you still, if you get it in your head, that there might be bed bugs, it's going to fuck you up. You're just going to be a fucking mess. I'm telling you

right now how fucked up Mike Vecchione was that he would go the hospital dude, he would on the road. He still does this. He only puts his stuff in the bathtub. Traumatized. He dude, like he... Traumatized. I was like sleeping there. Sleeping there with a pillow that he's like worried about bed bugs. For his birthday, I bought him a suitcase that you can plug in and it'll heat up the

suitcase killing all the bed bugs. Is that true? Yeah. I found it online. Life changer. And he was like, when I gave it to him, he was like, I can fight back. There was this moment where he's like, you're giving me back my life,

where you're like, you're free now. I don't know what that was though, but remember it was like an epidemic. It went on for like a couple of years. I mean, it still happens. It just, there's outbreaks and then it happens. And then the city of New York is very like, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it easy. Shh, shh, shh, shh. They're always hereh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, they're always here. Shut the fuck up. They're in here forever. God, shut the fuck up, I'm Donnie, he might be a socialist. Yeah, shut the fuck up. And you're like, oh yeah, they're all here.

They're here. Bitbugs are always, you can't kill them, you just said it. It's like rats, you know what I mean? But what's funny is one time I, I was living with Vecchione when I was still drinking and I'd play in this beer league on Mondays, this softball beer league. Yeah, yeah.

And I'd get a little tuned up in the afternoon. And one time I came home to take a nap and shower before I had to go do spots. And I like draw my sheet back, take a nap and I go, huh, fuck. And I go, oh no, Mike. And he like knew where I was, knew my tone. I've never seen him freak out like that.

He's like, what is it? Is it a bed book? I'm like, what is that on my bed? knew where I was, knew my tongue. I've never seen him freak out like that. He's like, what is it? Is it a bed bug? I'm like, what is that on my bed? And he's like, oh fuck, oh fuck man. And it was a carpet beetle, but they're very small and they could fly in and I was like, oh, is this it? And then he like, like a detective, he like looked at,

he's like, no, that's not my enemy. But watching him fucking jolt like that. When you have bed bugs, the first time you do like a Google search on them, they're like, ooh, little monsters. It's like herpes. Yeah it's like they're like when you get a little ingrown hair and you go fuck crabs it's like crabs. When you're scratching you're like what the fuck is that on my skin it's an egg sack. You're about to have something. No no no no no no

yeah dude bed bugs are the they are apartment herpes. Remember when crabs were a thing? Yeah. Are they still a thing? Yeah genital like Remember when crabs were a thing? Are they still a thing? Yeah, genital, like genital crabs are a thing. Well, they're just like, they'll go in any hair, scabies. Remember scabies? Scabies, I got scared about because I had a rash one time. Yeah.

And I Googled, this is the problem of growing up with anxiety and Google. Yeah. Because you Google it and Google goes, you're right. Yeah, I'm fighting Googling something right now. Don't do it. I'm not, I'm gonna wait. It's not going to.

Gonna wait it out. I called my doctor because I've been having, I broke my shoulder playing high school football. And so they were like, when you're gonna get older, there's gonna be like some nerve, you're gonna feel it when you're older. But when you're 14, you're like, shut the fuck up. But now I'm in my 40s and I'm like starting to feel it.

But what it does is because the nerves are all attached, it's attached right here. So I'm getting like chest pains Oh, I call my doctor like hey Like maybe I should come in and get like a workup sure and he's like you had a physical in May You're fine. Your blood pressure is normal. Your cholesterol is fine. And you're like, I don't know I don't know Google says it might be a heart attack, dude. I went into a doc I talked to some guy I used to be a real hypochondriac, but I talked to says it has it dissipated Oh, yeah, it has cuz you're number one. It's exhausting. You say this in your sick

Exhaustion. Say it in the special you're 61. Yeah, I'd kill to look like you at 61. Well, thank you You look phenomenal for 61. Takes a lot of work, dude. But you come in maybe I should stop using deodorant Maybe that's the aluminum in the deodorant that's aging. But years ago Before well, I mean I was still pretty healthy. It was probably a decade ago, I went and got one of those calcium scans. That's what I wanted to get. And he said, I was too young.

Fucking just get it, just pay for it. Who cares? Everyone's doing all the scans now. That's being recommended now by a doctor. Yeah, but you can pay out of pocket. That's what I said. And they said, we can't do it without it. I was trying to go to Columbia and do it.

What? And I was like- And that way you just go over to Cedars and it's like 250 bucks. Guess what? When I'm there in September, guess who's getting a calcium scan? Yeah and do it. And I was like. In LA you just go over to Cedars and it's like 250 bucks. Guess what? When I'm there in September, guess who's getting a calcium scan. Yeah, do it.

Like some people are getting these full body scans. I'll do it in a second. I'd get a full body scan in a five minute second. You would? I'm a little nervous because like it's so crazy. I wanna know. It's so crazy to know what kind of denial you're in. If I could afford a full body scan

and they'll do the whole thing, but I'm like, I don't know. I kind of want the suspense. Yeah, you go, well, I don't want to open my Christmas presents before Christmas exactly yeah if I'm gonna die of a brain tumor hit it with Polly Schorzman like he's like dude you got to get one they found something that was a wasn't cancer or anything but he's like you got to go and I'm like hi I know it's gonna be bad I'm setting one up man you are I'm gonna set one up when I go to LA I want to scan I talked to some guy in Ireland this guy who runs

The the venue over there the Vic or what is it called Vicar Street where I get play there. It's good club It's a rock club and he had gone to the heart doctor and was fine and and then like later He he found he had a pain and they had to put a stent in and this is after he got Signed off on a good this one So that's what this freaked me out because I already had too much black than I should from you know fucking childhood of smoking and cholesterol Yeah, burgers and cigarettes whatever. Yeah, man. Totally, but sometimes people just turn that I got a little a little cholesterol issue It's not high borderline, but

I've been plant-based for two years, but I go to the doc I went to the cardiologist and like just give me an angiogram Yeah, and that's where they insert a camera into your vein. Yeah, they like do like a full run, right? But he's like that's a little intrusive. Why do you want angiogram? Mike? Why not? Yeah, yeah take a look do it You got the technology. Let's get it up on the screen. Let's have me do that Yeah, let's go get get the camera up my vein. Yeah, and stick a. You got the technology, let's get it up on the screen. Let's do it. Yeah, let's go get the camera up my vein and stick a stint in there now. I go, dude, for the peace of mind,

put me in one of those machines where they scan me up and down. They go. They'll do it, you can do it. But he said, we don't have to do that. There's other tests. You know, you've done a stress test. Yeah.

Well, they have something called the nuclear stress test, which is where you go harder on that treadmill. where you run and they got the mask on they run and what they do What it's interesting how it works is that they're the way that checks your your veins Is if you're your the ratio of your flow is the same sure like if it's going good, you know at this way You know, they they know it's not blocked the roads open Yeah, but still like, you know, and this way, you know, they, they know it's not blocked. Yeah, the roads open. Yeah, but still like, you know, that just might've been that day. But that was what my doctor said when I was getting my physicals. I was like, yeah, sometimes I get this chest pain or whatever.

He's like, never when you're working out. And I was like, no. And he's like, you're fine. And you go, but I don't know if that's right. You know, the amount of pains we have to live with all the time. It's just like, that's what I learned over time. It's like, if you think you have something, wait three days, wait three days. And then if day three it's still there,

maybe go to the doctor. But this one, this like chest pain, like it pops up a little and then like a month later. I used to get them all the time, dude. I used to get palpitations. I used to get a grrr. This is like, you're like my hypochondriac looper. Like you're like coming back to tell me what not,

where you're like, you're fine, just keep going. My buddy Dave in Albuquerque, who I grew up with he's like my age too and he says ten minutes on health talk and then that's it that's what I'm talking about this I like that ten minutes cuz then you because when you get old all you fucking do is like talk about you know what's hurting you what's yelling you by the way best shits in my life right now just I'd throw that in okay I don't even know why really it's like a gift like all of a sudden like a few months ago I'm like what is happening did you notice when you got sober how great your shits immediately became well

I think it's something to do with I believe it's a supplement I'm taking number one and I think the plant-based thing is really starting to pay off yeah well your body's all caught up on it now yeah I think so I don't know I started using a squatty potty oh yeah of course it immediately, I was like. Remember when they were everywhere? We used to sell them, I think at the beginning of the podcast we did at least one at the squatty potty. You should. It was a full radio.

I've never been sponsored by them and I. They used to sponsor everywhere. I know, cause they were brand new. And then everyone realized, oh, they realized people were gonna buy them without sponsoring. They realized you just gotta throw them in a bed bath and deodorize target. It's like a fucking plastic piece. And then you don't even...

I have a travel one. I have one that, by the way, go on Amazon right now. You can pick one up for $17.99. Travel with a squatty body. Dude, it's flat and the little legs come out. I find that I can... If you stay next to me in a hotel, you'll hear me go in the hotel room, you hear the bag unzip and you hear like, clack clack, because I'm putting it right fucking down. I find that generally if I'm away for a few days I can I can shit regular. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I need my little travel squatty potty. Wow, I need to get my little knees up his commitment

I need to think about it anymore. Do you know there? No, I need a gargoyle. Oh, yeah I need my knees up. I need my knees up my little resting place for my phone. But when you quit Drinking and using drugs, did your my shits immediately went from being when I drank from being like mulch. Yeah, to being like, Oh, an actual poop. Yeah, actually having a poop. Yeah, that's new. It was so fun. I was like, not an event. I felt like a child again. I came out to my roommates like I'm pooping. Yeah, they're like,

okay, not just sort of like what's gonna happen. Oh, my god, dude. I just get up and be like like what did I do last night as my body goes? Remember We're doing it we're talking about shit. Yeah, we did it we've got there welcome to America You guys want to know what content is two white dudes talking shit on a couch. That's it. This is an ad by BetterHelp white dudes talking shit on a couch. That's it. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Uh-oh, it's time to talk about therapy.

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Very bad. Can I tell you though? You know, I hate to make a, uh, I hate to make a murderer relatable. You have to, uh, you have to, you have to get to those dark jokes quick when this happens. So he, uh, he wanted to murder people at the NFL because he said that he had CTE. So he wanted to kill people at the NFL and he shot himself in the chest saying that his brain could be evaluated because he felt

he had CTE. Yeah right. That's gonna happen. They're gonna be right on that. Oh they're gonna be very gentle with his brain. Oh no no don't that's the murderer's brain. Yeah let's let's see if he was right. Oh he was nevermind then But the the article that I read before you came over I was like, well, that's relatable He took the wrong elevator in a Manhattan Midtown Skyscraper and you're like been there brother taking the wrong elevator bank is like you hate when a mass murderer is relatable It's like when oh been there. It's like when George Clooney shoots Brad Pitt in a burn before reading. Oh, yeah.

Because he's hiding in his closet. Yeah, it's exactly this guy. Here's like you fucking you idiot. You fucked it up because they tried to make it sound like a mastermind yesterday. And you're like, no, it's probably just a crazy guy with a gun. Yeah. And then they're like, hey, guys, turns out a crazy guy with a gun and didn't know where he was going. It's weird. That's where we're at as a country.

It's like, was there an ideological bent here that could make it terrorism or was it just a crazy guy with a gun and didn't know where he was going. It's weird. That's where we're at as a country. It's like, was there an ideological bent here that could make it terrorism or was it just a crazy guy with a petty grievance or just a guy that wanted to shoot people? Yeah. It's like a slot machine. Like you go, Oh, we got crazy. Oh, we got crazy with a gun. Okay. I wonder where that's going in. I think about it. I get scared sometimes about mass shootings. Yeah, depending on where I'm at and what's going on. There's sort of like, you know, half of my- Because you don't know who the fuck's just gonna snap and do it.

I'm also from Colorado, so it seems like I fucking- My home state loves to do it once every like three months. The worst, movie theaters, schools. Have we let out? And then there was a shooting in Boulder. There was like everything that's happening. We were like, maybe altitude, maybe we shouldn't live this high.

Maybe that's it. That's what my eighth grade social studies teacher said. You believe that? She was giving us a lecture about stuff and she was like, she's from Colorado and stuff and she's like, I think there's something to be said about altitude not reaching the brain. And then she like went through all the crazy people

that were from Colorado, like Squeaky Froman. And like, this is in the 90s. And she like she had a theory she had like a whole miss Patrick had like a whole theory and by the way worked it out this is right as I started smoking weed yeah so I was in eighth grade and I was like yeah you're like sort of connected after class and I go miss Patrick yes roll with this talk to me a little bit more about this do Do you think this altitude's making us all? Where's the Illuminati fit in? Yeah. Do you think it's some sort of adrenochrome

that's powering these people? It must be alien shit, right? Because another article I read said that... I do know it makes people way more fucked up than they know they're gonna get. Oh. Oh my God. You performed in Denver. It's like, they're calling the...

I went, it was so funny. I did a show at the Comedy Works downtown in Denver and Doug Benson is that did his 420 show? Yeah, they had two paramedics come really People just on those edibles and the altitude. I have no idea what it's like go down. It is First off never seen more public drunkenness Than in Denver once in Glasgow in Glasgow, Scotland There's just people vomiting on the street, but they act like it's just Saturday night.

I love that. I love that the only people that can push the Scots are fucking Coloradans. Totally. Where they're like, I haven't even think about mine. He's like a dumb tank. And he's like, I'm from Evergreen. He's just like a white guy from Evergreen.

He's like, I'm hammered. I didn't know that it affected you. I mean, I kind of knew, because the altitude, but I went to college in Arizona. So I went to sea level. I went to U of A in Tucson. In Tucson, yeah, my brother went there. And then I just out drank everybody.

Because you were trained. But it was like that super. Trained at high altitude. It was that superhero. Like a biker. Where I'm looking at my hands and I'm going like, I am powerful. We're doing shots and they're dropping and I'm like,

I'm walking through all these people. Horrible bar in Tucson. That was sort of a college. Oh wait, that was dirt bags. No, it was Phoenix. I'm thinking of Phoenix says, I mean, Phoenix has the ASU, which it's like, you can't even comprehend how hard they party. Yeah. Like I went to Arizona. It was very fine. I didn't have, I didn't do comprehend how hard they party. Like I went to Arizona, it was very fine. I didn't do the Greek life, I didn't have any money. So I partied with people from Tucson.

But you would go up to ASU and you'd be like, oh, this is a late 80s, early 90s college flick. Where like guys are jumping off the roof and then they're like, that's Bambi. She's got the biggest tits in the Mesa Valley. This is all like a party. That was Scottsdale, right? Scott, it was Tempe.

Tempe. Oh, there was that fucking club there. Yeah, Tempe Improv's still great. Is it still great? Still there, still great. Who was the guy? Who was the guy you saw? Dan.

Dan. Used to run it. Dan Ver. I went up there. Oh, Danny. When I started. He went down, dude. Yeah, I did.

When I went up there, he got mad at me. I did a competition at Tempe Improv. It was the biggest club I ever did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was used to, when I first started, I had to have a beer before I went up. Yeah, yeah. It was like a, you know, I was nervous.

It was nerves. But I remember having a beer and he was like, no drink. Like he was like all big about it. Yeah, until after at my apartment. Exactly. And then everyone, when I left, I was like, yeah, the owner was like real weird about me drinking a beer. And everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's a problem. Yeah. And then he got sober and I left I was like, yeah The owner was like real weird about me drinking a beer and everyone's like what the fuck are you talking?

He's a problem and then he got sober and I think that was I think that was where I think he ended sober He didn't know the moment he was sober was at that moment where I did the competition Cuz I only did one set and then I never went because I was like that guy's a prick I'll never go back. I just say I you know, like I remember I actually co-headline there with Hedberg and I just say I you know like I remember I actually co-headline there with Hedberg and you know Hedberg was doing his own thing sure but that green room like is he in his own space are you guys hanging out well he was always in his own space even when you were talking that's what made him great yeah time zone that's why his joke pacing is different than anyone's ever. Totally. Heroin's amazing for pacing.

It'll slow you down. Learn how to be comfortable on stage. You should start blasting heroin. Just to make you pure, man. It has Miles Davis. It's all jazz, you know? I do think it speaks to the simplicity and the sort of evergreenness of his, of his humor. It was almost childlike in its construction. And the pace was, I think it definitely, look I'm not gonna say it helped him, but I did one of my last runs with him, with Hedberg,

before I got sober, yeah dude. Fuck, what is that like? Well it was just one of those things. It's like going on the road with the 72 Stones. Well no, because it's just him and his girlfriend. It's like going on the road to 72 stones. Well, no, because it's just him and his girlfriend. It's just Landon and Mitch. It's just Landon and Mitch. But like I'd gotten up there

and I was still using pretty heavy. There were two comedy festivals that did me in. Okay. There was the one with Hedberg, that was up in Seattle. Okay. So I've been sober since 99. All right. So it's probably 98 or something.

And I didn't bring any shit and we we were co headlining. And I don't know what how that happened. But it happened a couple of times. We're co headlining in Seattle. And I didn't bring any coke with me or nothing. And I'm like, you know, you got anything? And he's like, he's like, but he was at that point, sadly, he was at that point where because of who he was, that they would gravitate to him. Sure. And they'd want to be surrounded by enab they would gravitate to him sure and they'd want to Surrounded by enablers. They want to give him heroin. They want to be the guy that oh Mitch Hedberg did much

They had a guy he always had a guy somewhere, but I was not a heroin guy Yeah, but we ended up like in a hotel room and he had all this black tar heroin Which was that uh, it was like it's not here here. They got the China white They get the stuff from Asia. Back in the eighties when they realized that, hey, if we don't cut this shit, rich white kids can snort it. Awesome.

So people were dropping dead who were shooting it, but all the white kids were drooping around. Oh, funny. White kids can snort it, walk around, and then the people who are really about that life. Well, that's a weird thing about junkies when they hear that some heroine's killing people, they're like, what block is that on?

That's gotta be the good shit. They just did it wrong. In that book, Dope Sick by Beth Macy, she talks about that's how fentanyl came on the scene. Was heroin addict or heroin dealers would hot, they're called a hot pack. So they put fentanyl in some of the heroin and they would kill somebody.

And then all the junkies would go like Oh, you got that shit. Yeah, like I want to come get your shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I killed a guy No, I know he didn't know how to do it lightweight That's the way when there's a bad audience every comic goes I got it Yeah, it's like a hot pack in a like it's a shitty crowd and you go damn. I heard my take on the weather Yeah I do I do remember that day, because when you're doing the Coke,

because he had Coke, he had the tar, the tar was from Mexico. The reason was tar, that's what got all over California, and then eventually ended up all over the country. It's a great book about that by Kenyonis. Sam Kenyonis wrote a book, oh, what was the first one called? It was about how the transition of black tar heroin made it all

over the country. Sure. It was because of the pill mills. Yeah, the whole, you know, the dark economy of Oxycodone. Oh, yeah. And they were just in the parking lot selling this shit. And this one region in Mexico started sending these, you know, small groups of guys to create like a pager cell in these, you know, Eastern and Appalachian areas. There were all these people were getting work compensation for hurting their mind like backs right.

But the thing was they'd show up in the parking lots of the pill mills and say like, I can get you higher for 10 bucks for 10 bucks. Yeah. And that's how it spread, dude. I mean, there was a story in that book, Dope Sick, about a woman that she needed shoulder reconstruction surgery. And this is when doctors were getting paid to prescribe Oxycontin by Purdue. Purdue Pharma was like, hey, push it.

And this woman got on Oxycontin, like 40 milligrams. She was on 80 mill. She was on something for a month that anyone that knows science was like, that was so over the top. And then she came off it, and that happened to her. The black car. She went to a pill mill, and someone in the parking lot was like I can get you she didn't have any money yeah and like we can just get heroin and she OD'd in her car. Oh my

god. But that's like that's how they got her. I think it was called Dreamland it's a great story. I absolutely ordered that book. It's great. I'm gonna read that. Cognonis is it's great he wrote another one about about fentanyl and meth. Yeah. Recently but that one tracks you know the AMA you know making it legit for people to to prescribe on a kind of pain management thing yeah and that opened the floodgates, the pill mills happened then the black tar and he just found it because he was doing research he was an LA journalist yeah he was doing research just for a black tar story

in LA which is where it was and it just pulled the thread And was like holy shit. It was like what's it doing in Appalachia and he you know, he tracked it all down It's that's great book. But meanwhile me and Hedberg That's so funny. We go back to a hotel room in Seattle And him and I just remember because it was the first time I heard my bloody Valentine Oh, yeah the best great and I just remember because it was the first time I heard My Bloody Valentine. Oh yeah. The best. Great.

And I just remember because they were doing whatever they were doing in the bathroom and coming out and I just remember the two of them on the bed just doing this, you know, like rocking and I'm just sitting there with a foil with black tar heroin like in a straw like going like I'm doing it man. I'm doing it. You know what I'm saying? We're doing it man. Change the channel. I don't want to watch Sports Center anymore. That was All My Bloody Valentine and I still listen to that man. I'm doing it. You know what I'm saying? I'm doing it, man. Change the channel.

I don't want to watch Sports Center anymore. That was all my bloody Valentine. I still listen to that song and I always remember that. That's fucking, I mean, is it, you know, almost like an old gunslinger, you've lived to this age now where you've watched young comics. Colin Quinn always used to get annoyed with me

when I'd open for him, because he'd be like, ugh. Yeah, me too. I don't think he ever fucking forgave me for it. For what? For being annoying? Well, no, because like, like he's like, he hasn't done my podcast. He's got some.

Colin's never done what the fuck? Nope. And he's got, he works with Colin. We both, we're both like, I love Colin. I texted him. I said, dude, you know, like, look. He's like, I don't know. What do you want? Fuck it. Go to LA and fucking go to your house.

You know what I really think it. Yeah. I fucking got to fly across the fucking country. Yeah. But I known him forever. Yeah. And he's, he is my like, he's my guy that I think I would go to the mat to say that he's like my all time.

Possibly my favorite. Oh, he's great. He's great. You know, and he was He's so unique. He's so himself. But there was a couple of moments I feel because he used to have me on Tough Crowd a lot because there weren't that many lefties. Yeah, there was me and Jim David and it's like that was it.

Oh, my God. I forgot about that. Jim David was on Tough Crowd a lot because they needed lived here and he'd be like, shut up, bitch. It wasn't like there were a lot of righties, but there were a lot of dudes that would, you know, kind of lead that way. Depalo, you know, Norton. Yeah, and Lenny Clack. Yeah, Lenny Clack, the bass, and Denny Lue. Geraldo was kind of middleman. God, Geraldo was the best. But, Colin, I don't think,

because I texted him like, you know, a couple of years ago, I'm like, dude, you know, I'd like you to do the show. Do we have a problem that we can work out? Is there an issue between us? He goes, there might be. And I'm like, that just sounds like a call and response. I'm like, hey, do you want to go get sandwiches on Thursday? Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, do we have a problem? Yeah, yeah. And you go, I don't know. But the reason I'm saying the middle thing is one time when I was living in San Francisco, probably 92, 93. I was there at that time, staying with my dad. He came out.

I was just laying across the bridge from you. To headline, and I middled for him. And you know, I was strong. Sure. And you know, look, I've got the karma to return from this. Sure. You know, like, when you're a middle. Everybody does.

When you try to bury a headliner. Well, it's not even try. You just wanna do your best. Sure. But you do realize that as you get older, it's their show. And when you get the power to book your own middles, you're like, take it easy. Or you book someone that's going to compliment you. Sure. Not someone that you got to get up and go like, Oh my God.

There was a moment there were, there was about six or seven years where I was very masochistic and I still sometimes do it where I go, yeah, whatever middle doesn't matter. I go, come on out. Yeah. Yeah. But like I used to bring Tim Dillon. I'd bring Shane Gillis for a while. Yeah. And I'd get buried some shows. Yeah. Yeah. And where I go, yeah. Whatever metal, doesn't matter. I go, come on out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like I used to bring Tim Dillon, I'd bring Shane Gillis for a while, and I'd get buried some shows. Yeah, yeah.

And then you go, this is a horrible idea. When I'm clawing back at the Albany funny bone and I'm going like, who am I proving? What am I proving? But there are also two of my good friends, so it was like a thing where it made sense. But I've been in that position where you're the future and you're like, watch this.

Yeah, I don't know if I was ever that confident, but I definitely wanted to kill sure But I remember I I you know, I featured for Colin and like he you know, he you got to get into his group He's not gonna chase you down But it wasn't like an easy week for him. Sure, and and I think that was the first part of the problem Yeah, and then I like kind of like, yeah, this fucking guy. Right. This is hot shit. Right. But he knew me. And then I think the second part of the problem

was like when he started doing the one man shows. Yeah. Yeah. Right at the beginning. And this is before I can sit. Long story short. Yeah. But it was the first one.

Yes, the one that signed that he took on Broadway. No, no. This was years ago. Oh, you're talking about like Irish Wake. Something maybe even before. They had the poster in the cellar cellar this early 90s. That was his first that might be This might even be before this was like cuz my Irish wake was on HBO so this might be all I know is he was doing that Yeah, and I was a dick. Okay, and I was say I couldn't even sit at the back table at the cellar yet

So it must have been before she passed me. So it was probably like fucking yeah, it was in the 90s at some point. Yeah, you could smoke in the cellar. Oh yeah. But like he came in, he's like, Hey, how you doing? I'm like, all right, easy. Yeah, well, you got going. I'm doing a one man show. And, and I said, I remember it because I knew it would never go away. I, he said, I have a gift for that. Yeah. You know what? This is a great juice stain on the couch of our relationship. It's like, but I didn't like really quite know it. Cause you, I mean,

when you're a Dick and you can be cutting, it's not funny, you know, if it's too personal and then you just, it's, in the guy. Yeah. Well, he said I'm's too personal. Sure. And then you just, you're just, you're in the guy. Yeah. We said I'm doing this one man show and I said, wait, can't hack it on the road anymore. And he goes, he just went, yeah, I fucking knuckle. And he says, you don't know me well enough to say that to me. You know, Hawker, say I'm sorry. That's right. Yeah. And also Brooklyn, dude, do you get a fucking guy? I always loved the guy. guy and you know, I thought I'm tough crowd We were fine, but I don't know like it's it's always fluctuating a lot of that stuff

And that might all be me like yeah, like you could call it and call it and be like I just don't like it. I don't know you fucking you buried me one week in San Francisco I never wanted to see you again. Yeah, you know, okay That's fucking that's this stuff that I carry with me and that's actually was the beginning of WTF was me unpacking all this shit that was mostly in my head. Man, you had the infamous two parter with Louie. When Louie was-

Yeah, but that was great. But I'll tell you right now. The one with Native men's. I listened to that, right? Yeah. And there was like, you know, when you're younger and someone older just tells you a fact of life and it scares you in your soul that you go, I know that's true and it's probably going to come true and it's going to scare me, was

when you guys first started talking about how you separated, about how you stopped, there was a couple calls that weren you stopped, there was a couple calls that weren't returned, or there was a couple of things that were going on, and that's when Louis was like, I was busy, I had a life, I was having kids. And at that moment, listening to that 15 years ago, in that interview, I felt in my soul, I was like, this is something that's gonna happen to me.

This is something that, gonna happen to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is something that as I get older Yeah, maybe not a comedian maybe but I will watch a friend Yeah, that I'm close with drift away and it started happening in the last three years and I've thought about that Louie episode Like I can't wait to have my Louie episode with that friend who has drifted away from me Yeah, but you have a little more forgiveness for it. Yes. I understand that it's not personal. That's right. That's what that episode helped me realize was because the way Louie came back at you on that episode where he goes, my fucking life was busy.

Yeah, I was I lost. I think you know what about me? Yeah, what about me? Yeah, and so my life isn't busy. Yeah. And so now I go like, okay, this isn't about you. This is like, yeah, of course, that is that. Let's hurry. What's hard depends on what your life does. And so now I go like, okay, this isn't about you. This is like, that is that lesson from that. Well, it's hard, depends on what your life does.

And like him and I hadn't talked in years because he was mad at me, I think because I handled his problem, which I thought I did very diplomatically, but I believe that he was not happy with it. And I don't even know if he listened to it, but the last time I was here, he was very nice. Yeah.

It's sort of, we're not texting each other, but we were okay. But man, I feel like this Colin Quinn thing can get resolved. We gotta talk to Colin. I just like, you know, you get to a certain age where- Because he's fascinating, and I would love for you to interview him.

We're sober guys, and I can't, you know, like maybe we have a problem. So I don't know, and all I can do is blame myself. And yeah, but I don't, like, it's just weird in this business. And I've lost, like, friends sometimes. It's weird when you lose friends as an adult for a reason. Oh, when you, sometimes when you choose

not to be friends with people. Well, yeah. That's like fascinating. But you're not the one who's choosing. It's a little much. Oh, brother. I had a guy in LA, he was just sort of like, he thought that something was going on that wasn't, and he was like, you're out. Oh, I don't know if I had a guy in LA he was just sort of like he thought that something was going on that wasn't and he

Was like you're out. Oh, I don't know if I can You know, it's like what why I'm so like hold on like he just like shut me the fuck out and I love the guy and You know and I tried I'm like dude, can we just talk about what's going on? He fucking ghosted me I and then mom go through that. It's the fucking worst. And then I finally saw him at a party, you know, and this was, you know, a year or more after whatever the hell happened in his head. And I just took him outside. Oh, you want to talk about it?

And he's like, he's telling me you did this and that. I'm like, that is all in your head, dude. It's not real. Did you get the did you get? I'm almost crying. Yeah. Like, no, dude, I didn't do that. Did you have the did you get I'm almost crying. Yeah, like no dude I didn't do that. Did you have the moment where he was like the real? Because he's like that and he knew but the problem is is like the fucking damage has been done So you couldn't even even if he realized he made a mistake

Well, he didn't say that he was like really oh, you know and I could it landed and after that like we've hung out You know, we see each other so I'm on a plane with Maz you know coming back from a gig and we at the store now we're good but it does feel like you know one of us has to go like do you want it you want to go eat or something yeah you know and I'm still like I don't know man I'm gonna be the guy to do it I think when you're young you're so like you're just like collecting friends and you go I got a new friend and then I got this For you one of those guys. Yeah, I had one I held on to him until I exhausted

I have it and then he moved on well mine mine comes from the gay various guy Mine came from the gaping hole of my father abandoning me Stuff it in there stuff it in there. I was like your friend. Yeah, yeah get in there. What are we doing guys? stuff it in there and I was like, oh, you're a friend. Yeah, yeah. Get in there. Come on, what are we doing guys? Yeah. He's got a bunch of friends in a giant hole in my chest.

Sure. And I go, this works. And I go, this doesn't feel right. Just pull them all out. But there was a- Mine's more like a drain with some suction. And occasionally I get like a guy. It's like a suppository.

He's putting your butt sucks in it. And then he's like, wait a minute, this isn't good for me. I don't like this. You're making me feel bad about myself. I can't stop you from bleeding all the time. I'm not here to fill your hole You do a joke about that was like you only need people who say I have a lot of friends are full of shit You only need two you need the main guy and the guy you go to when you drain the main guy Dude, I'm having a problem. Are you tired? Now? Call the other guy. I'll call the other guy back up tank

I need a backup tank I've had that recently where one of my friends has called me and I've been like, I'm not in the place right now that we can, I just can't, I can't help you right now. And they're like, all right, let's call it. And I think they called the backup guy. And you're like, can't get drinks. It's just like sometimes people are in trouble and you have to have some kind of boundaries.

I mean, you can be helpful, but you know, in this racket, you know, guys like tumble down the hole, dude. You've only got so much rope. But that was kind of the question I was gonna ask you is is that you've been in comedy for so long that now there's people that you were close to that are talked about with this like King Arthur like thing where you go well he's actually a real guy and you know like you knew that one story about you and Kinnison doing coke. He was a big guy. Yeah. Yeah. He was a big guy. But that whole thing of like, you know, you had to go

drive and get it and then you're just doing coke at this guy's house. Yeah. Did Sam passes out? Yeah. Sam passes out. I got to go. He's like, don't leave him here. I don't want to pull a Belushi on me. The drug dealer. I didn't know that was one of the first times I ever hung out with him. But that was different. What I learned from that experience when I was a door guy at the store is like you don't want to be part of an honorage yeah don't ever be part of an honorage if you can if you can help it just don't do it don't get on the bus but it's different now because a lot of guys are touring

with guys at their level and you know and it's a big opportunity for everybody but at that time you can't get out of that orbit. So that's what it was. So you get out. Did you? So when you become a part of it. I never got fully in. So you never got fully in? No, because I was always a bit of a dick

and I'd push his buttons. But like the guys who were fully in. Do you remember a moment where Sam Kinnison's like yelling at you and sincere? Absolutely. And you're going like this? It's funny. Yeah.

You're like in your head. I knew right where he'd break. Yeah. And like, it's just because like I have enough fuck you and me and enough pride to not get on someone else's train. I just won't even do it. It's fucked up. It's a weird thing.

But I remember, because I'm a spiteful, insecure little fuck. You know, and- First off, you're not in this, you're not doing this business unless you are insecure. But even like, even when the oddball festivals were going on. I remember those. I guess you didn't get a call.

I was on a few of them. And I was furious. What? I was furious. They weren't even putting me at like the very bottom. I would have done the very bottom of it. Yeah. But I'm looking at names at the bottom of them going.

It's not like you're making a lot of money and it's not a great thing to perform for 18,000 people. You think your ego only eats vegetables? Yeah, but like- Your ego wants anything. I guess, but like- Your ego wants anything. I guess, but like when you do those shows, like listen to me, it's like, you know, I get offered stadiums all the time. It's not my bag, you know, give me 800 in a comfortable theater, I'm good.

But you have to, for me, like I did the Dennis Leary thing, that was a funny story. Yeah, comics come home in Boston. That was funny. Get Joe List on it. We've been trying to get Joe List on it. Joe's the best. For like 10 years. I love Joe. He's one of my oldest best home in Boston. That was funny. Get Joe List on it. We've been trying to get Joe List on it. Joe's the best. For like 10 years. I love Joe.

He's one of my oldest best friends in comedy. Great comic. Big fan. I'm sorry I fucked up the schedule so we couldn't do the group show there. Oh, but like, what was I going to say? The people that get into the entourages, the idea is it's going to help you. But all those guys that were canising adjacent, they didn't, it didn't help them.

Well, because once the host dies, then they all die. That's the whole thing. Well, kinda, but like- You're not your own, you're not your own like- I, well, that's what I was gonna tell you. During Oddball, you know, Louie was like, you know, I got a private plane if you want to get on. And I already had a Southwest ticket on me, but I didn't want, I'm not gonna get on your plane. Oh, that's you. me but I don't want I'm not gonna get on your plane. Oh that's you that's you going like I'm not

gonna fly in your car. Let me tell you right now. I heard you charge people anyways. I love that you're like no fuck that Southwest I want to be at the first of the line. I'm my own man. I got A3. You know I respect the fuck out of that because I have such an opposite of like, will you mean it? Oh no. I would love to. Like Shane was like. To me it's always an attack.

No, Shane was like, yeah we're flying private or whatever. And I was like, oh, can I? Can I just go? Can I go? And he's like, what are you talking? And you know what's funny?

Cause it's a different reaction. Cause when you have your reaction of like, fuck you, I'm not flying in your cock. People are like, all right. All right. And then mine. Watch on the plane. Mine, they're almost.

And attitude. Mine, they're almost like, what's wrong with you? Of course. I go like, this is the best. And they go, you gotta treat yourself nicer. Yeah. I think that's, that's something I don't quite realize is that you can just have a nice time.

You could just enjoy shit. I've been trying to do that. You know, you said something in your special about, oh, but all this pain is what makes me great. This is like, I don't want to heal that. Yeah, yeah. This panic, this anxiety, this is exhausting. But it is exhausting.

And I'm like, now I'm in my 40s, but I'm getting to this point where I'm like, I'm exhausted being anxious about everyone being mad at me. Oh, wow. Just because I brought up a point and I don't even know if they're mad at me just because I brought up a point and I don't even know if they're mad at me. I like, I'll walk the dog and I'll just make up fights. I'll just make up a fight in my head.

Like, I say this, I'm calling around, I'm fucking this. And then I get home and then Katie goes, why are you being a prick? And I go, well, see, what are you on his side? She's like, what are you talking about? You left in such a good- I thought you were in the loop. I. It was just in my head. Yeah.

Oh, I'm like, you know, if you just if you see me in New York City, and I'm walking my dog, you will probably see me in a fake argument as I'm picking up the dog shit. As I'm going like this, I'm picking up the book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck it's all 800 tickets there. That's why I didn't move back here. Yeah, because I was gonna move back. Like I had it in my head like that'd be fun place to retire. I didn't move back here. Yeah. Because I was going to move back. Like I had it in my head, like, that'd be fun place to retire. I'll do all the New York stuff.

Yeah. Great to get old in New York. I didn't do that shit when I lived here half my life. So I was in the middle of buying an apartment in New York. Really? Yeah. And then I had this, I came to do some shit. You know, this is like setting aside the fact

that when I'm here, I'm good for about a week max and I'm done. You know, I don't even go to the cellar that much. I don't do a lot of comedy here for whatever reason. I think it's there somehow there. It's like where the trauma happened. That's so funny. You don't want to go back into the bedroom where you got fucked exactly like I'm not going back there. Dude. I'm not. I got butt fucked on that bed. I'm not going back there. That's exactly it. It was Esty wearing a strap on.

Yeah, she goes, come in here, lay down. Now you're not going to be able to have intimacy with a woman. Ever. Because I'm going to butt fuck you. But, but I've done a few spots. One time, one time like, cause I did my New York chops. Yeah.

And like, I fucking, this is the first time I saw you and I didn't know you, but I didn't like you. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Was that the Village Underground? Yeah. Dude, I remember. You buried me.

Oh, I just remember doing, I think I told you this. You came down the stairs and I was just like waiting and I just had my head in my hands talking to Liz, the manager, or whatever, and I had my hands and I was just like this. And Liz was like, hi, Mark, like that. And I didn't know. I knew obviously I'm a fan of yours. And I was like, and I went, hey, like that.

And then you walked by me and I went, what did you do? I did the LA hello. I did the like, no, I've never seen that hello anywhere. But I was just in LA. I've seen people go like, yeah, like that, like that very like, I'm being sincere. But I was like holding my face and then I was like in LA. I've seen people go like, yeah, like that, like that very like I'm being sincere, but I was like holding my face. And then I was like, oh, and you walked by and then afterwards you're like,

it's fucking, I was like, this guy hates me. It's all cause that. Nothing to do with that is just like, I, I, that was the first time I'd done that room. And for me, the seller, you know, I, I think, I really do think that I am traumatized by what I went through there. I mean, also that when you were there, it was ruthless. It's not an easy room. And people were ruthless in the 90s. So I'd go down the underground and you just fucking kill

and I go up there and like, it was the first time in a long time, you know where you feel that weird back, the back of your neck sweat? Yes. Where, you know, the inside of your nose, you're going down. My thought is always to go and like,

I think they want me to bring Greer Barnes back up. Yeah, exactly. And I go, do you guys want me to go grab Greer? I think he's still in the building. I'm so sorry I'm not there. I just knew that I just didn't have my New York game on. Sure. And you were like in it.

Yeah, and I was also, I'm very comfortable there. That's right. That's like, I'm there twice a week. Yeah. And I'm like, they're like, Souter, can you go up to the VAU? And you're like, whatever like yeah, I know the band. I'm like, what are you? Whatever you want. Yeah, so yeah, but I was just mad. I'm like the fuck's that good? Yeah, I get that He was funny, you know, and then you go fuck him. Yeah, I don't fuck it like that over at that though

But I I mean, I know but anyways, so so I'm in the middle behind this apartment sure and this is why it's in relation to What you were saying where I came for a few days, you know, and I had gone to Whole Foods You know to get you know, just a snack or something. I went to the coffee place there I got a coffee and I wanted an extra cup sure and they're like it's gonna be a dollar for the cup I fucking lost my mind. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, I know, I just like went into this, this rage. Yeah. And then I realized like, you can't move here because you're going to be one of those guys who's just walking down the street with a,

you know, like two Dwayne Reed bags and a Strand book bag started sweating. Yeah, exactly. Wearing a parka in the summer, talking to himself. That was it. I'm walking with the dog and I'm going like, I ain't fucking selling up tickets, huh? Well, maybe you should fucking be a little fucking cunt. Dude, the one, my favorite joke about this, Joe DeRosa had a hilarious joke about going, he was on a road trip and he had to piss

and he went to this gas station and he had to use the bathroom. He goes, how much do you use the bathroom? And the guy's like, what? And Joe goes, how much? What do I gotta buy? And Joe goes, in that moment, I realized, oh, it's me. And not every city is a fucking capitalist butt fuck where you have to pay an extra dollar for a cup. Or they don't want someone bathing in the bathroom.

And Joe's like, Oh, it's just a bathroom. You just go and use it. But New York will fuck your brain up where you're like, I gotta buy a fucking muffin but after a certain point you you understand why they don't just let the people come in the bathroom but that's like I'm 62 I'm dressed I'm clean yeah and I gotta pee yeah they're like I can't let you use the bathroom like I'm old please I need it can I not do that could you let me pee if you don't do this I'm gonna, please, I need it. Can I, could you let me pee? If you don't do this, I'm gonna do this on myself. Exactly, it's not gonna be good.

You don't want that on your conscience? Oh man, I don't know if I ever, did I tell you a story about Louis Katz when he was looking at moving into your apartment? I love Louis, yeah. And then he went, I'm gonna come to Historia, cause I was living in Historia. And I might've told this on What the Fuck

when I did your podcast, but Louis comes to Historia and he goes, let's get lunch or something. I wanna see the neighborhood. And I was poor. I mean, I was very poor. Waiting tables and shit. And Louis gets off the subway at 30th Avenue and I meet him.

And he goes, he's like, you know, gonna walk up to your apartment. He goes, let's get some food, what's around here? And I go, there's a subway right over there. And Louis goes, you are fucking white trash. And he's like, we're in a store, by the way. I lived in a story for 17 years There was like so many restaurants are gonna take him to but at that moment I was so bored that I was like subway and he's like you fucking idiot. Where's 38 that the one before dip Mars?

A story of Boulevard is the one before dip Mars. Okay, it goes it goes down So it goes a story of Boulevard 23rd Avenue or 24th Avenue 23rd Avenue. Dipmars is the final stop Okay, so goes down. So you were 38 so you're this I was I was I was in between Astoria Boulevard and 30th Avenue I was under the you know, Teton food the Greek I was right across 90 different kinds of Feta. Did you walk in? I know you like how many kinds of olives are there? It was it was one it was stuff in this jar I got to move there and watch it transform from a primarily Greek neighborhood to like oh This is where the affordable part of New York is we're like it was always kind of like that

But they seem to keep a hold on it, but they lost it They lost a slip and it was like actors comedians it was just like a lot of like it changed and then you started seeing like the The luxury buildings go up and you're like, oh really? Yeah, but they don't they do it in like it's like jagged teeth Yeah, it's all the row homes Yeah, but then someone will sell their row home and a developmental will come in and they'll do like five apartments tall But they're only one way. Yes weird. So it just looks weird. Just looks like jagged place

one way. That's weird. It just looks weird. Just looks like Jaggedy place. Kekeleides still there. It's the best. Well, they open one down here. It's the best Greek seafood. Yeah, Kekeleides and then Taverna. Yeah, there's like a couple Tavernas. But the Beasy Grill was one that Stavros Stavros was like, Oh, you've never been to Beasy Grill. And that's when you listen to a Greek person. Because I went with him. He spoke Greek and they were like, Oh my god, they brought out all this stuff. They're like, try this lamb. We've never let

anyone eat this lamb before. And I was like, this is the best. And then I went a week later and they're like, what back to that Greek racism? They're like, what the fuck do you want? You're like, have that like, can I have a euro? You guys, Mark, thank you so much for coming by the HBO special is out now on HBO Max, because it's gonna come out next Tuesday. So watch it, it's fucking hilarious. I loved it, thank you for showing me this. It's a real special, real hour 10 minute special.

My God, dude. Did the full job. When I watched it? Old school job. When I watched it I went, all right, hour 10. Motherfucker did his work. Exactly. But it's like something, it's great to watch a comic

who's done it for a while, cause the smoothness. I always appreciate it. And it's packed, it's a lot of shit in there. It was great man. Some shit that really fucking got me. I'm happy to watch it, thanks. Mark Maron, true legend, thanks for coming by. You bet buddy.

And thanks for making podcasting. Happy to help out.