Soder - 94: Windowless Room Boyz with Stavros Halkias | Soder Podcast | EP 92

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

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Dead Crow Comedy Club, Wilmington, North Carolina, August 14th through the 16th, doing five shows, Long Island, New York. It's been a minute, and I'm excited to come back. Brokerage Comedy Club, it's tiny, it's tight, it's a good, good room. I really like it. I will be there August 23rd. Los Angeles, California, September 25th, I am going to be at the United Theater. That's downtown. I know you don't want to go downtown, but come and see a great job. show and then speaking of hot phoenix arizona i am going to be at standup live for four shows i'm going to be there september 5th and 6th at stand up live in phoenix it's a huge room come on out i haven't been to phoenix in a while dan soda dot com for all dates including the golden retriever

of comedy that's the theater tour that kicks off in late september in los angeles we got all the dates listed and all the dates are up on my website for sale dance order dot com There was there, there's like a book about Guns and Roses that I have up here called I Want to Watch You Bleed. And they talk about when they made, when they did the album, Appetite for Destruction, they lived in a storage unit. Fuck, yeah, dude. Which is like, don't that?

I love that album too. Yeah, but living in a storage unit and doing heroin and then rocking out. Yeah. Awesome. Of course that album's awesome. Of course. Yeah. Like, yeah, duh.

It's the big problem with comedy, dude. It's like, you can't, you can't, like, I, I'm rushing to get a good special before I'm too rich to be able to understand anyone. Dude. Like, I have to, like, this is my last chance, dude. We're absolutely recording, but this is, this is something where, it's the problem. People don't realize that I'm very bad at business, but part of it is on purpose. Yeah.

Because I'm trying to keep the part of me alive that is like a shitty employee. so I can make good stand-up. I get it. I mean, there's also other, I mean, there's obviously been examples of, like, great, like, people dealing with, like, I think prior, was it, Sunset Strip? Which, whichever one.

Sunset Trip, he was after he was burned up. Yes, that's an incredible one because he's talking about it, you know, honestly or whatever. You should read the book. It didn't go well. He bombed the first one, did he? Yeah, well, he had to come back, and then a lot of that special is done

not in front of an audience. They had to, like, do reshoots because he was so, And, like, he was kind of like... I knew that he had fucked up the first one and he came back the second night, which I thought was cool. Yeah. But I didn't realize they had to do reshoots.

That's fascinating. Yeah, because in the book, he just goes like, and then I went back to second night and everything was good. But then someone that, like, directed it, it was in an article and they were like, no, we had to like really piece it together. Interesting. Because this first special, Richard Pryor live in concert,

which is what you're saying before the money, before he was like... Well, he said he had like five albums too. Yeah. Like, it's kind of fascinating because... None of the titles we can say. It's all like that. N-word is crazy. Super N-Wan-Rum.

I mean, that's being a white dude in the 70s and going like, I'm going to go get this album. Yeah. Super. They're like, whoa. Oh, they didn't have a problem.

They didn't get all. I think it was taught in schools. I think proper N-word pronunciation was in schools where they're like, you need to stick the R. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Pryor's live in concert, 1978 or 1979, live in concert is like,

that's the best. that's just him doing an hour. Yeah. But he's not rich. Yeah. But I think that's what I love about all those albums that it was like it wasn't as precious. In a weird way, it's come back around where now I think the people that are doing the, I think the clear secret now is just put shit out.

Yeah. Even if it's not perfect. Yeah. And that's kind of what those prior albums were like. Well, what's crazy about it is. Some of them are recorded really bad. I listened to a bunch of them recently. Yeah.

Because I wanted to get into, yeah, because I wanted to get into like the. 70s mind. Like, I don't know. I was just like, I was just curious. Like, what were people really like? It was all brand new. Yeah. Stand-up was brand new.

And also a lot of albums, people don't realize this, especially our generation, they would do albums and then they would take the hits. And that would be the special. That's why I was called a special. It was sort of like a mixtape. Yeah, they're like, it's the greatest hits. Like, oh, here's all my greatest hits. And I filmed it.

And then they would have like bands open for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they'd put it in a real thing. They'd put it in a movie, like Eddie Murphy put raw in, like, movie theaters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, a special was a special because only like five people could do it. It was special. If you got greenlit, people were like, fuck, you're filming it.

You're going to film this. It was like a big, I mean, you were probably, because you're younger than I am, Martin Lawrence put out, that was the last concert, like movies. Kings of comedy. Yeah, was in theaters. That's the one that felt that I remember that was like a big deal. They were doing press for it. You went to go see it in theaters.

It was awesome. Yeah. And then you realized that. Bernie, like, they made Bernie close out all the shows. And he was like, all right, well, redo my contract. Those stories are awesome. Yeah. When Bernie was like, I'm the motherfucking man.

And he, I mean, I just, I actually just rewatched his part. Just, I'll throw that on sometimes. Milk and cookies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He does. Well, not, okay, that part's awesome, right? Yeah. I mean, that's the most quotable part.

That's a beautiful part because it's like, I watched it. I watched it. And it was like, I watched it with somebody who was like, didn't know anything about. it really. Oh, Bernie Mac for the first time. She's loving it. And then he drops, he calls his nephew. Oh, yeah.

He drops a couple Fs on him. Hard T's too. But it's a hard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was when black culture was real D.L. about the gay shit. But also,

here's the thing, though, that bit, yes, the word is fucked up, whatever. It's a bit about he took them into his home. Yeah. He raised them as his own son. There's nothing funnier than that. There's like such a,

like humanity and kindness to it and it's yes he's saying bad words whatever but it's like what actually matters he raised this fucking he like saved this kid and it's like obviously whatever that's fucked up he shouldn't have said that whatever but he clearly had love for him and then even in that he has like all of his is like there's so much macho stuff in there and there's kind of like misogyny whatever whatever fine some good stuff but he all there's just in the middle of it there's a bit about how he busts fast dude and how he's just like i i got to he's just got a whole thing about kind of being sexually inadequate and then being like he even says like you know if your girl threatens to like fuck some other guy be like go fuck some other

guy he's like I'll watch he that's like a cuck punchline in there where he's like I'll watch it's a fascinating like just a guy who's so open and honest and still a good person it's just it's so good also it's funny that he talks about inadequacies because his death jam set the most infamous death jam set is he'll pull his dick out and make this whole place black exactly he's like I'll fuck a woman he's like it's sort of like the evolution yeah where he goes you know what back there I didn't mean all that stuff yeah yeah yeah remember when I had my face on my jeans yeah yeah I was talking out of pocket but also he's a testament to like the utmost if you just turn swagger to like and performance and command of a room because like look some of those jokes you read the transcript it's nonsensical

There's no punchline. There's nothing. I ain't afraid of you, motherfuckers. But he's so in control. And both those sets are like fascinating because he's just, I mean, Def Jems are obviously, it's a smaller room, but it was so, you know, it was like combative. And then the Kings, I mean, they shot that in the Charlotte.

The Charlotte Arena, which is straight up arena. It's crazy. Now, you know, our, we have friends that work arenas like their clubs. Yeah. You know, we know people that work arenas like clubs. but, like, that was huge. The fact that they were doing an arena in Charlotte, because before that...

Of course. The only thing people talked about was that Dice sold out the garden. Yeah. Which was like the pinnacle. There would be, like, somebody every, like, 10 years. Steve Martin, Dane Cook, Dice, Clay, whatever. Yeah, once every, you're right.

Once every decade, you get a guy. But this was like, we're filming it. Spike Lee is directing it. There's no other shot. You're not going to sell out an arena twice. it's like this set is what fucking matters so that is another element to that that's really cool it's like just the pressure and you know all of it and you know but to do have your standup be seen before youtube or any of this shit to get your stand up scene it took like a process yeah you had to

like someone had to watch your set at a club or you'd send them a tape and then they'd like maybe and then there was like another audition and they're like we're thinking about doing some specials And it was like, I remember getting the Comedy Central presents, which a whole generation doesn't even understand. I know. That was like. The thing that saved my life, I was going to get that.

And then COVID happened. And I've never been happy. The only silver lining of COVID, because that half hour went on to become live at the lodge room. Yeah. And the difference in my career. It's crazy. He's like insane.

I'll tell you right now what it would have happened. Comedy Central would have aired it once. Yeah. And then they'd go, uh, we'll buy something from you maybe. Yeah, yeah. That's all they did.

I was like, dude, what's so funny about it is. I ought to suck that bat off. Whoever ate that bat from the Wuhan wet market, dude? He goes, saved my life. Starost, don't do comedy central. He was really plugged into like. He's in Comtown. He's in Comtown.

He's in Comptown. He goes, I've got that coming up. I'm a Comtown guy. Don't do it. I mean, Wuhan. Wuhan loves Comtown. And he bites the looking at it. And they go, what did you do?

He goes, I'll tell you what I did. It was. It was necessary. I saved Stubby, baby. I saved her on the santa. There is, like, people are mad. Like, I understand both sides of people being, like, mad. The industry's gone because it really did keep out a lot of bullshit.

Sure. But also, the industry didn't know what the fuck they were doing. The whole point of the industry were, like, people that got communication degrees from A. Did it keep out bullshit? Yeah. There's a lot of people with 6 million Instagram followers that are, selling out theaters that are doing dog shit stand-up. Wouldn't they have done something else, those people?

Do you know what I mean? Maybe. Here's the thing, in an era, if the industry, if there's a way to be that popular when the industry existed, they would have sucked those people off. The industry was just trying to generate those people. The point I was making is exactly this, they just didn't have a clue what they're doing.

You're absolutely right. They just guessed wrong on who those influencers would have been. And I don't, I don't fault them in. entirely because I've had jobs where I just wanted to go easy and I want to do well. Oh, yeah. And so they would have gone, well, this guy's got $6 million. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's all Netflix is doing right now is they're going like, do you have 15 million followers?

Yeah. Here's an hour special. We love it. Yeah. And then we'll bring out this old celebrity that's doing a movie for $500 million to interview. Yeah, I mean, it's the classic, the way all of society has gone, where it's like, at the very top, every, you get way more than any human being needs, right? Yeah. Yeah.

or knows what to do with right and then it's like the bulk of it is like they put out 52 special whatever year or and a lot of people putting out special but it's like a lot of it is just things you can make cheap yeah right it's a lot of throwing shit at the wall it's Walmart yeah and it's all Walmart and it's high and low right so but the high because it's a it's a business it's not art it's not the best they don't have like a panel of who's the best right there's no like that doesn't exist. There's no, like, you know, Michelin, there's no secret comedy critics. I would love a Zaget guide. They come in and they see like seven shows on a tour and they do an aggregate score. That would be fascinating, right? I would. Yeah. Some of you motherfuckers would be real

because I'd be coming to eat your fucking score up. Yeah. I'd love that too. I'd be hitting 400 on these motherfuckers. Well, see, I feel though, I feel also because like, look, I want that so bad now. It would be awesome. I want that smoke so bad. It would be awesome. I want that smoke so bad. That would be awesome. Because I do think there's something to comedy where it's like, ideally, I don't think a special is what stand-up is. I think stand-up is the random show. It's your aggregate.

But then again, you could say that I'm coping and I'm a regular season player. I'm James Harden. You know what I mean? You're Peymanning. Yeah. I'm Lamar. I'm Lamar. You know, I'm dazzling.

One regular season, there might be a moment at a show mine. You're like, how did that happen? This is the most incredible moment of that person. person and then you know what they do that moment where they go i'm seeing art yeah yeah yeah yeah i do think i've had some spontaneous moments that's that's really interesting because there there are people that that we both know that i would say when they do specials that doesn't come out well sure like i see their comics i see their shows by the way by the way the opposite there are people who i think are just shrewder about how things are actually perceived yeah who are not day to day

are fine but know to bring it and know to plan and might even get like people to punch their shit up And my do reshoots, like you're saying about prior, something that to me sounds insane. Insane. To me, it's all got to be. It's the show. Do the show. Ideally, there's no editing.

Yeah. To me, the platonic ideal of a stand-up special is you do not, the only edits are camera angles, but you don't cut anything out. Now, that's not how things work. That's not production. You'd have to be next. This is the first time I'm finding out this isn't how things work. Yeah.

This is how stupid and idealic I am. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Maybe I shouldn't attract. I tried a real fucking halt But it is I remember the first time I found out

It was I think it was like Amy Schumer's special Norman was telling me That they would like stop And she'd be like I didn't get that joke right Right I'm gonna do it again

And they would do it and you're like That's crazy It seems insane to me Yeah Every time I filmed a special You film two shows And I go well I did the show And then I did the second show

And the second show was great So, yeah. Or the first show. Yeah, use 80% of the second show. Yeah. Put a couple moments from the first one. Cut it, that cut a couple pauses maybe. Maybe if I flubbed the line.

I remember the HBO special, I flubbed a line and the guy, the editor was like, oh, let's take it from the second show. And you're like, fucking superimposed it. And you're like, perfect. Yeah. But that's why you have two shows. But you're right. There are people who are. Here's my thing is, I think my insecurity is I'm not savvy.

So I get insecure about people that are savvy where I'm like. Where I do the thing where you go, like, you got to put the game the right way. And they go, there are no rules of this game. Yeah. So you're making up your own rules. No, I actually do agree. Unfortunately, because I have the same thing where I like, I do wish that it was about art and it was a meritocracy. Well, you wish government was about representation of the people.

Right. Nothing is what it is. Absolutely. Absolutely. You wish like ESPN covered sports. Yeah. Right. Like they didn't throw fucking slop down our throat.

Yes. Yes. Absolutely. It would be fucking. I want all that shit to happen, but then you're like, no, it's not how it is. Also, it's like, this is entertainment. It's bullshit. No one deserves anything.

Oh, you're the best artist. Who gives a fuck? Go be a teacher. Yeah. Go be a fucking social worker. Like, that's a, that is kind of the level I hit where I was like, I don't deserve this life. Dude.

I didn't deserve when I wasn't successful. Like, that's a, I just got to fuck. Like, my 20s were like, fucking around with my friends. You know what I mean? Going to shows. I wasn't building a life. I wasn't. That was awesome.

Yeah. I didn't deserve that. So then what I'm going to complain? Because either some rich kid whose dad is a fucking executive at fucking Paramount or like, or some like hot girl who just, you know, is good at fucking internet marketing or just like, you know, am I going to complain that they're ahead? No. Life isn't fair.

This shit. There's no rules in entertainment. No. It doesn't matter. There shouldn't be fairness here. That's why. There should be fairness in everything else. Yeah.

This is all bullshit. Entertainment is, it's make belief. Yeah. it's playtime yeah you're right there shouldn't and i think that's probably people fucking health and let's get people health care but that that that's where we need a baseline of fairness not in this bullshit you can have like hardcore opinions and entertainment and be like i don't think this you fucking have it this you fucking and people will be like like both sides will be like yes and you go everyone should have health care and they'll go you fucking libt hard and you go

how are you mad about getting health care well i'm a i'm a i'm an entertainment. I'm a show business Republican. Hey guys. If you're looking for a place to get meals that are prepared for you, maybe you're busy, maybe you're running around and you're like, I don't have time to sit and cook, but I want something that isn't just McDonald's or processed. You know what I mean? You want a good meal? Check out factor meals. They got variety. That's the importance. That's the important part. Choose from a wider selection of weekly meal options like premium seafood choices, salmon, shrimp, no extra cost. Plus, you get to enjoy.

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And I'm a real life, you know, leftist, whatever. You know what I mean? Where it's like, like, yeah, no one fucking cares. oh you're you know you have connections great use them i don't give a fuck yeah i know what i mean i think my one of my biggest faults was that i was i was um ignorantly an idealist in stand-up and i was going like it's a metatocracy you got to fuck it if you're good you'll get to the top and which it does happen sometimes it doesn't here's the thing it doesn't hurt to be great well yeah right but like i would say two people that we both Nate and Shane yeah we're both

so good they didn't have to really play the game They just went and were great and got over. Well, I mean, I think they were both really, but still they were very shrewd. I mean, like, Nate knew what the fuck he was doing. He didn't stick around here. He knew he was in tennis, you know, he's like Middle America is where I'm going to do that. Middle America, I'm going to build my, he was an old fashion kind of like, let's build it up through my, I'm going to be so good. My, my theaters are going to become thousand cedars to three thousand to six thousand to little arenas.

And I'm going to build this shit like an old fashioned business. And Shane was really shrewd because he knew he had a lot of eyeballs. on him. Nobody knew who he really was after the S&L thing. Yeah, for real. And what did he do? He fucking put out Gillian Keeves. He put out a great special. He harnessed those eyeballs and he just catapulted himself and he's been doing great tires. His, you know, more, you know, staying on the road. Like, they were both very smart still. And something that I saw, but and you know, this is kind of on topic where we're talking about with like being shrewd and

stuff. I was really impressed when Shane got fired from S&L from for not leaning in to the people that wanted him to lean into it. You know, you know, being outwardly racist was like the green goblin mask. Yeah, where it was like, do it, say it, do it, say it, you can have all the power. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's on the roof with a butt light going, stop being gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, do it, I live in a darn it.

Call Dylan Mulvaney a slur. Oh, you can do it. Call Dylan Mulvaney a slur. Watch a, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch World Star videos and say. what you really think and he goes i can't but it is i mean that kind of like you know you can sometimes in entertainment you can see things where you go i could go down that road yeah and that's why it's crazy when you watch people do that and go i'll go down that road you almost go you can't it's pathetic but then you go that was an easy you can't i don't understand i mean you understand

i don't understand because you see the you'll like see an avenue open up like when i was doing billions they were like, there came that moment where the people that represent me and stuff were like, you're ready to be an actor? Right. I don't want to be an actor.

And they're like, no, you can still do stand-up, but like we're really gonna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, I don't want to do it. Yeah. And but I just, I'm saying, I saw that avenue.

Totally. Where if I wanted to be like, can I be on NCIS New Orleans? And then you catch me going, well, I look like this man. Why, y'all got ripped up by all for. You'd be great, by the way. As a mongoloid in the, in the trenches.

Yeah. They go, well, it's this Swampman. Swamp gay guy and the gator. Oh, the gator, my pet gator. Yeah, you found a buttplay. Your gator shit's out of butt plug. You're like, I think they threw the gay guy in here. Mr. Mr. Detective, man.

And they go, oh, our star witness. Do you see Soters the star witness in NCIS, New Orleans? He does a cross-eye the whole time, like Sandler's friend. They're going to spin you off with Wilder Valdarama. You guys get your own show. He goes, Nathan, buddy. I got to go through this Swampman, Spaniard in the Swampman. I got a thousand dollars cash money.

Do you remember your mama? I do remember your mama. Also, can we please put Wilder Vilderama on the Mount Rushmore of hit lists? Derek Jeter, Pete Davidson, Wildervilderama. The problem with him is I don't think we want to be digging a little too deep into the ages of some of that list. Oh, boy. By the way, boys from the 90s, those expiration dates are hitting. Milk's going bad for a whole generation of boys.

It's going real bad. Did you imagine you're like, in the 90s? Nothing's better than 17-year-old pussy. It's crazy. And then in 20, 25, everyone's going, what? Dude, yeah, it's fucking insane. Did you see that Anthony Anderson interview with Lindsay Lohan when she's like 17? I feel really, I mean, she's a person that got, like, her, Britney Spears is like,

why do you think these people go insane because society fucking completely sexualized them from the time they're like children 10 years old Lindsay Lohan though first off phenomenal facelift she went to the she went to the guy that's fixing everybody yes some

some guys on a generational run right now I mean he is just going there is a fucking surgeon where it's like oh my God I feel like I'm watching like heat second season heat LeBron yeah he's just doing that his nurse 60% from the field his nurse throws it up up while he's doing it he's also i mean it really is like cue the 80s music where he's like i think

you're gonna like your face yeah yeah yeah yeah because dude chris jenner lindsay lohan chris jenner it's i mean she's an old woman she did the same guy that linds still that's linds lind it's like all right i get it she's a young person relatively speaking chris jenner is an old woman he fixed uh donatella vasachi oh my god She doesn't look normal, but she looked. But she was looking. Yeah, she looked like fucking Ron Perlman and Beauty and the Beast. She was fucking real Muppet-ish.

It was fucking crazy. Donatella. She's like dark, what was the Henson? Yeah. The like, the, that's what she looks like now, though. Oh, yeah, it's not, you know. See what I mean? She like kind of fucking.

Dark Crystal. Yes. The Jim Henson. The Jim Henson, like. Spooky. She's a spooky Muppet. Yeah. Which is a good movie, by the way, dark crystal.

But Lindsay Lohan, I would say Lindsay Lohan is. she's like Entertainment's Rambo I love her I mean dude they gave up on her yeah yeah yeah she came back and she's like they're all God they're all fucking dead Raven Simone

they're all fucked but she went through hell parents both parents sucked yep through her to the wolves she got famous remember when she tried to kid that kid and where it was Abu Dhabi no I don't remember that but I saw

oh my god the live stream she like tried to kidnap a child She goes come with me you eat food with me Oh no Just a brown kid Yeah he's like What's this freckled ass lady

She lives in like Abu Dhabi now Doesn't she live in like Qatar That's no good Well that's like That money Oh dude That's scary stuff By the way don't think that

If you think for a second Comedy is not right behind that If you think we're not going to be seeing Right now There's a fucking like Saudi Arabian fucking festival dude Really? Yeah, it sucks.

Oh, my God, dude, seeing me, watching me sell out, they're like, Riyadh! No, no, I was talking to DeStefano. I think he is literally doing it. DeStefano is?

I believe so. Come on, Chrissy. I think so. Come on, Chrissy. I think some names we're not going to like or doing it. What I think is so funny is. I mean,

but then again, I do it, even though it is whatever. I mean, they literally, Saudi Arabia did 9-11. We're just going to kind of let that one slide, I guess.

Completely funded it. Completely funded whatever. Completely funded it. Completely funded 9-11. By the way, paid for the airplane classes in Tucson where I was living, where I think, I'm not true, but I think you can look up that guys,

this might be one of those things where real life is funnier than anything can think of. I truly think they only took classes on how to take off. Of course, that's a classic, like. Where you're like, I don't know at this point if that's a joke or- I remember hearing that from like in like 2002.

Yeah, where they were like a fun little, like silver lining, pretty hilarious. You want to know the popsicle stick joke of this they never learned how to land and you go what the fuck how are you the flight instructor and you're not like you know hey fellas y'all want to maybe land

dude I probably had a beer with him at golden nugget Tucson he goes I'm a flight instructor in these Saudis man if this is real so they said for example Masari who was arrested prior to the 9-11 tax and later charges as a co-conspirator enrolled in a flight training school

in Minnesota they also did it two on, though. I know that for a fact. I thought Florida, too. According to the flight school, only expressed interest in learning takeoffs. Oh, and landings. Oh, interesting. Claiming it was for ego boosting. Okay, so there was landings.

I thought they were just like, just takeoffs, we're good. Yeah. And they go, why? They go, I don't know. Yeah, that's what I thought, too. Oh, look at her bow, dude. Is she still with him? No.

I don't think she. Multi-millionaire husband. Oh, good for you. She looks great. Looks great. Listen, Mean Girls' legendary comedy. Unbelievable. I mean, Parent Trap when she was a little girl.

Sure. She did the reboot of Parent Trap Unbelievable. Herbie, the love bug. We're the same age. A lot of those, a lot of the, like, people that were sexualizing her on magazine covers, as a 16-year-old boy at the time, I was eating very good off of those things. Her tips were out and about. I was jacking off to, I was jacking off to periodicals. Yeah.

I had, like, my friend, like, my friend, you know, she would have, like, Cosmo or whatever, and I just would straight up be like, Can I see that? You go, oh, 16 tips of driving wild. I should probably read this. You're sure going off to her in a sundress. You go, I need five ways to communicate with my man. There's one particular Cosmo one with a, I think there's a purple background.

I can see it in my mind's eye right now. Talking about what you slang nut to? Oh, yeah. Because my brother. My brother in Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to understand. Britney Spears Rolling Stone wearing the American shirt.

Covered, not the one where she's laying on the bed. That one was too Lolita. It's two Lolita. There's one where she's wearing like red leather pants. Jerking off to periodicals. It's awesome stuff, man. Because I can, I'll tell you right now, I'll dial up that Britney Spears in two seconds. I think I know that one because Britney Spears had an era where she was really like her abs were pretty shredded.

Oh, my God. I was jacking off to that quite a bit. There's a couple of music. Oh, not periodicals, music videos. Oh, music video. I did a lot of beating off to music videos. Okay. Thank you because we had Janus on here. there is this was the one where i was britney wants you oh interesting interesting but there's there's

pictures in there that i was like that was just the cover but her face she's so cute oh my god and by the way if this is the best part about being 16 when society sexualizes 16 year olds right right right there is a small silver lining it's okay for me to want to fuck these girls i am their age yon winter this is very inappropriate you're doing this brittney spears but thank you yeah junior in high school Dan Soder is just tugging. Yeah, absolutely. I don't like that there's like an Israeli producer telling them to lose layers.

Yeah. I don't like that. He goes, come on, your bon stop. That's no good. You're bon stop. Yeah, but, but me, I'm not that guy. But then 16 year old Dan and his bedroom looking at it and then Trish knocking, you're going,

why leave me alone? I'm reading. I'm reading. You always tell me I should read. But Lindsay, remember Lindsay Lohan where she did S&L and they did Harry Potter and she was Hermione and they're like Yes I do Dan quite well

And they were bobbling And you're like Jesus How old was she in that? Look up when she hosted SNL Because that might have been Because that was too much Where I was like

Oh I was still I don't know if I beat off to that But I definitely It definitely excited me I remember the one that I never understood was Mary Kate and Ashley Olson And people would like

I was in college And people were counting down to That was really fucking weird And you're like, I don't even know what that is. Yeah, and it's, it was bizarre. It was like, yeah, the countdown clocks, there's like websites. There's like, if you have a countdown clock, if you wait till the moment someone turns 18, you would beat off to them when they were 16.

Dude, Louie has a bit right now that is like old school Louis heater of a bit about barely illegal. And it's touching on what we're talking about, but he does it in such a Louis way. Sarah's got that bit too. I think, I think she does. Sarah Tolomash is a bit where it's like, if you like barely legal, you'd probably like not legal. Yeah. Which is awesome.

It's also weird because as you get older, like you're in your 30s, I'm in my 40s. And now it's like, I couldn't even imagine. I mean, I can imagine, but I like, I don't think I would want to fuck someone that's under 25. Yeah. I just wouldn't be able to talk to you. Oh, you know, I love talking about being a hypochondriac. I worry and worry and worry and worry. But then you got Zocdoc.

And Zocdoch.com. helps you find doctors right by you that can tell you if you're being a weirdo or if you actually have a real problem. Sometimes getting a dentist appointment or anything like that can be a dermatologist appointment can be a real pain in the butt. But you go to Zocdoch.com. It's a free app and a website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. So stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoch.com. slash soda to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today that's z oc d oc.com slash soda zoc doc doc dot com slash soda didn't that happen with what's that girl bad baby oh yeah

bad baby she made like 80 million dollars or something she makes more money than any she got kicked off dr phil she she spent a couple years being a real fucking problem and popping up on world star i think her life's bad again i think she has like cancer and like an abusive husband She has an abusive husband. Yeah, I mean, that's no good. But it's also part of the course for, like, a, like, white trash Italian girl who pretends to be black and was a sex worker. It's like, yeah, she's going to have an abusive husband.

That's, like, the most Florida, like, I think I've ever heard in my life. You think she gets turned on by being respected? Yeah. Oh, this guy listens to me. And that's not good for the record. For the record, I'm not saying that's good. We're laughing about it because it's horrible.

But it is the most right down the middle thing. I mean, she just happens to be the most famous one. But how many like white trash girls pretending to be black that were like either strippers or like whatever? That's like a tough, that's a tough retirement. To come out on top? Yeah. It's at, it's more different than it. It's like a running back coming with no CTE.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, I didn't take any hits. You know, you were a north-south guy. Yeah. Wasn't even like you were east-west. You were lower shoulder. It's not like Derek.

Henry's out there. There's not a lot of them like playing till or 30s. And you're like, really? Yeah. Yeah. I think there's always this hope that we have for people like her, the same way we have hope for drug dealers and movies.

Sure. That they're just going to walk away with the money. Which where you go, you got the money. Yeah. Just go be quiet. Yeah. But now celebrities aren't even doing that. That's why like Happy Gilmore 2 is such a bummer.

Because you're like, Adam, you're rich. We didn't really need to do this. I would have liked, I would have liked, to just focus more on him and shooter. Yes. You know what I mean? Like I would have liked it to be like a him and shooter team up to defeat live golf. Yes.

That would have been fucking awesome. That was my whole point with Happy Gilmore too. Why make it about miniature put putt put that that's going to ruin golf? You know, there's Saudi money in golf. Do that. Yeah. Go, oh, you don't have to make it Saudi Arabia, but you could go like, oh, there's these evil people. Make a tech guys.

I mean, they sort of did. I mean, Ben and Safte's character is a tech guy. But it just wasn't. I did enjoy I liked when it was the I actually really liked before it got like super cameo heavy

I really liked the beginning I felt like it was the whole thing was so the beginning was pretty fun where it's like he's fucking drunk and he's like but they didn't make it dark enough

I think here's the thing I liked that they killed his wife and that he's a fucking drunk but they could have made it like how she died sucked they got me they got me hit her in the fucking head

with a drive I mean it was like maybe on a rewatch what did you want to be fucking death wish you wanted her to get fucking held at gunpoint and then happy Gilmore becomes a vigilante who fucking kills criminals with fucking drives oh and then you and then you realize out and then you find out that he's Casey Jones and it bridges into a fucking teenage mutant ninja turtle war yes 100% yeah you what you should have came to me I would

have intervening years he just becomes Casey Jones and becomes teenage mutant ninja turtle and then the turtles come back and they're like good to see you all friend he's clearly got history with them that we missed completely i'm about to king i it felt like they did it fat it felt like happy gilmore two was done fast and just like oh they'll love cameos marcello and bad bunny made me laugh the hardest dude bad bunny could act is incredibly funny yeah like i when they when they when they like when they like when you hear the casting and you're i love i mean there's not a movie that was more important to me than billy madison and happy gilmore was right up there so like early sandler is my comedy like one of my like early

foundational comedy heroes molded most of us dude you you listen to like all his albums and it's all i was just gonna say that's like that's half of cum town i would tell you what's a worst version of what he was doing what the hell happened to me that specifically they're all gonna laugh at you well that was the first album what the hell happened to me specifically seventh grade eighth grade molded me comedically yeah with SNL with the jerky boys of course with like other stand-up stand-up was always on TV commensual you should actually play stand-up all the time yeah yeah yeah so those are all the things but I would tell you what the hell happened specifically the cock and balls sketch I mean obviously the goat is the goat yeah of sketches goes of album sketches I mean at a medium

pace is I don't think I ever laughed harder in my life take that shampoo bottle and stick it up your But that's, uh, that's what, uh, talking about your ex-boyfriend's dick and how big it was. And I mean, that's, uh, they're all going to laugh at you. Yeah. And how to beat up a Spanish teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toll Booth Willie was on the first one.

He's incredible. Like, car to fuck yourself. Um, but what the hell happened? All those sketches stick in my mind. Because I liked, they're all going to laugh at you. But like, what the hell happened to you was the thing like I would wake up and put it on. Yeah, yeah. And he'd be like, why don't you play with your cock and balls?

Or he's like, oh, that smells like a skunk. Yeah. And he's like, you know what it smells to me? Like this old guy's asshole when I had sex. You know when they all go to like, oh, we went to this water park. This old man's balls flopped out. Oh, they were so gross. Holy geez, I wanted to lick them.

That line lives in my head. Holy geez, I wanted to lick him. And so it is like, it's, you know what it reminds me of? Happy Gilmore 2 was like watching Mike Tyson fight Jake Paul. Ooh. I think it's a little better than that. Nope. It was not a little better than that with the spectacle, with the Lita. Mike Tyson didn't even have a single good moment. To me, there was at least a couple good

moments. Happy wasn't funny and happy Gilmore. That's a, that's a valid Christmas. He was silly. I think he was only happy, he was only funny in the very beginning. But I don't even think that, like, I hated the part where he went out golfing with the young people. It was like sloppy and also. Didn't love that. It wasn't. It wasn't, it wasn't like, it didn't feel real. In the narrative, too, like, those were completely unnecessary characters. I mean, I I guess it's cool to get Margarquale in there. And Eric Andre. You know, I love Eric.

Me too. But his movie, I see, here's the thing about it is he does bad trip. So funny. And it's one of the funniest movies in the last 10 years. There is no one. His genre, the fact that he was able to figure out how to take sort of what makes the Eric Andre show special and make a movie that sort of half blends. I mean, I guess it's in the tradition of like Borat, if you're going to say that, where

it's like half and half. Yeah. It was Borat and Jackass mixed with Eric Andre. Yes. And that movie. So, so fucking funny. I mean, dude, Tiffany Haddish coming out of the bus while the dude is cleaning up and he goes, I didn't see nothing. And the guy comes back.

It's just one of the best scenes. I mean, chase around the mall, there's just stuff that you're like. I mean, the dream sequence, the wedding is, that's another moment that I love so hard. Little Rel rel is perfect in it. Yeah. It's like the nervous friend that doesn't want him to use his car. It's just. Yeah, that's actually, when people talk about recent comedies, that should really get, that might be one of the best recent.

I mean, it might be the best. Making me laugh. Yeah. Bad drip made me laugh harder than anything I can remember in the last 10 years. Like I had like felt like I was a kid. I just saw the naked gun. It was really good. That's what he said.

I heard naked gun was really good. It was good. Yeah. I want to see it. You should see it. It's just like it, you know, it's funny. It's like, it's like a pacing. If they can get like the joke and then like,

and they did. A joke plays off a joke and then a joke is like. No, no. It's that. It's joke a minute. Yeah. And there's a couple. And you know, when you do joke a minute, some are fucking bangers.

Some are just like keeping the ball moving. are like, there are a couple set pieces in that that made me laugh so fucking hard. Good. Good. And I love that Pam Anderson's banging. She's good. She's banging Liam Neeson now. I thought she, yeah, she is, which is awesome. I thought she was better. I mean, Neeson was good. He was, it was smart to kind of take someone who's already in that genre and kind of like, because they kind of molded it to his genre of old guy action movies. Right. Which was smart. That's what you got to do. I mean, I think, I mean, it was directed by Akiva from the Lonely Island. And McGruber,

pop star like that's another bad trip in McGruber or the last 10 years I think like it's not 10 years dude really I hate to break it to you right I think it's close I think it's really close you know what it's not because I moved here 10 years ago McGruber was already out

yeah sorry man God damn it dude you're old as hell fuck it's 15 years old you're old motherfucker we're both dying we got it you do we got to make our money and go away Yeah, no, that's my plan for sure. Me too.

That's my plan for sure. Where do you want to retire? I really love being in New York. Like, I recently got, like, I'm subletting a place in Manhattan. Are you staying there yet? I am, yeah, yeah. You slept there? Slept there.

Wait. Recently, like, this week. Okay. I love it, though. Because I did your podcast last week, and I don't know if you had slept there yet. I didn't. I think I slept there the first, that was the first night. It was not haunted.

It's cool. Doesn't feel haunted. It doesn't feel haunted at all. It's an old building. It's a big place, too. So, feet, like, I had moments where I was like, I was like, you know, and you're just like, you don't want it to be haunted, but you're like, someone there? I'm going to just check and see if there's ghosts. Yeah.

And there were no, I, my ghost radar is not on at all, dude. And I get scared. The reason this apartment is so comfortable to me because I know it's new enough that there's, it's no ghosts. Oh, there's going to be really soon. There's going to be, like, tech guys who have jumped off this. Oh, yeah. Hey, bro, just changing my channel. Why does he keep putting on Pat McAfee?

I'm trying to watch something. It's like, bro, this guy's savage. That's the haunting. This guy's so savage, bro. The way he says stuff. Yeah, I love, I mean, I think one thing I've learned is that, I don't know, sometimes it's okay for certain things just be, you don't have a choice in them, right? Yeah.

I love, like, Baltimore, I'll never fully get away from it. I don't want to. I love it. Sure. I want that to be in New York, I just like, I don't. I just love being here, dude. And I think I want to stay here no matter what. And, like, go to Greece.

I like travel when I don't have to work is awesome. It's the best. So I like traveling. So I think it's just the kind of thing where, you know, every year of my life, I've gotten a little bit, like, since I've gotten successful, I've, like, let my career dictate things a little less.

I focused on my health a little more. Great. I'm still not exactly where I want to be. This year ended up being much busier than I thought it was going to be, but it's for cool stuff. right and then so i'm the plan is to do a special um uh kind of early next year early is next year maybe like early spring next year late maybe like late february early you maybe more somewhere between late february to late march somewhere in that window uh and then i'm gonna then i want to

fucking kind of chill get a cool place in new york i really even from being in manhattan for a week i'm like it's awesome shit jams so sick it fucking rules it was like a thing where we did it and like the second we did it it was like a thing where we did it was What's funny about it is we moved in this apartment the week I left the bonfire. Oh, wow. And I live. That's probably psychologically very good. Well.

I know you mean you're close to where it was just like I live two blocks away from the train that drops you off in the building of the bonfire. My commute to work would have been 10 to 15 minutes. Sure. And instead I was coming from Queens. Yeah. For six. That's a tough commute.

For the six years I was going, which wasn't that bad. But then Jersey when I was living with Katie and it was every day I was like, I got to go through this tunnel. to take the bus over and I was like this fucking sucks and then I moved in but when you moved into New York it's New York's taking a lot listen it's New York so it's never great but I like but it's never it's kind of back as bad as Fox News says it is oh yeah and by the way it's kind of back to the beginning of this conversation where it's like what I love about New York is it like you can be the literal richest guy in the world and your life's not that comfortable you're still

of fuck you're still like it you still kind of are just a per like you still have to go on the train you still walk places you have to go if you want a coffee you're gonna have to go in the dunk and donuts that everyone else goes in yeah it's not a gated community you're not away from everything you're like you're you're a huge you're just like and even like the places you get aren't they can you know if what you want is complete luxury what you want is to be left alone if that's the kind of person you are not the city for you but like i grew up in baltimore i like living somewhere this is the best shitty place. Yeah.

It's like the best, it's the best, it's the perfect description of New York City. It's the absolute best. It's the best shitty place you'll ever go to in your life. It's a millionaire shitty place.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, what I think is interesting about it is it is so shitty. Doug Stanhope, if you want to watch, I think it's the special

no refunds that he did at Gotham where he tapes it in New York. The opening monologue he gives, he's smoking a cigarette and he's walking down the street and he talks about why comedy works in New York City because he describes

how shitty New York City is and he goes because even and basically the points you were making he goes even if you have it good you still have it bad it still sucks

and he goes and that's why comedy works here because people need to laugh when they're all stacked on top of each other and everyone's smushed into this thing and there's just a ton of people and the good things about it

everyone gets to enjoy yeah right like there's places like Florida so many people with fuck so many like ultra billionaires live there right sure they have private fucking beaches

They have fucking private jets. They have their own, like, social clubs, whatever. And look, I'm sure there's, like, obviously, there's so many rich people here that there is, like, an elite here. Jeffrey Epstein's townhouse, for example. We're not, that's still going on. There's some kind of crazy bribal ring even still going on here. But look, museums, the cultural stuff, the restaurants.

Like, everyone gets to enjoy that shit. You can be poor and enjoy 90% of what New York has to offer. You won't be gated out. And you can't do that. anywhere else. What's good about other places that's like that rich people live is just you don't get like I loved that when I first moved here and I had no

money I lived in a fucking box with no window you want to talk about living in a storage unit I essentially did you know like yeah we both talked about that yeah yeah we both did we both windowless rooms in a store yeah the first few years you're here yeah if you would have walked in it I would look like Bain in that fucking prison with my backband over and I'd be like well I'm so I'm successful

that I can have a window yeah but it is And you can just fucking walk around And you were just saying about Epstein about Who do you think the first Pettler was after Epstein got caught? I was like, you guys want to get the group back together? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, chill out. We're in trouble. He goes, I know, just miss the parties. We'll fuck 20 year olds for a little bit. We'll fuck malnourished 20 year olds for a while. It won't be the same. When Epstein got caught, we did this bid on the bonfire about

Epstein's friend who is realizing he's a pettile while being on the island where he goes, yeah, why do you have a little fridge of Caprice Suns? Like stuff like that? He goes, you know, a room upstairs is just filled with teddy bears. It's fucking crazy. Oh, dude, I took a wrong turn and ended up in a ball pit. But it was like also sexual.

There's like sex swings in there. So it's just a different vibe. It's so funny because it is like the ultimate, he was like the ultimate guy to get you canceled. Yeah. Yeah. I guess not. You can just be the president. Yeah, but we're watching.

to be not to get i hate that i hate to go to lib out this hard this isn't but it's like the president's it's you're talking about decency i know i know we're not even to talk like the thing that is making me laugh about this epstein thing is like people who are first off fuck all politicians i know you're liberal i am from the school of i don't even consider myself a liberal i consider myself to the left you're you're a compassionate progressive let me tell you right now i would take leftist progressive because liberals in america have become republicans who want to get you fired for saying slurs. Yeah.

That's all they are now. The mainstream Democratic Party, but go ahead, keep going. I've been. I know you have very South Park politics. I have very, very,

I know South Park has molded your life in many ways. 100%. Yeah. 100% South Park where I just think they're all phony fucks and I think they're all manipulating people in order to make their own money. But a lot of them are. Yeah, there's so many of them.

When they were like, oh, what if they get Clinton? You're like, fuck him. I don't care. Fuck him. Every.

They should be fucking go to jail or executing. I would prefer them to be publicly executed if you want to know where I'm at. I say we let a couple of the parents behead some of these sons of bitches. We go full Saudis. If the Saudis are going to take over our sports and our entertainment, can we at least have their forms of punishment? That's true. Can we start fucking cutting hands off thieves and shit?

Alibaba in the 70s? Like, let's fucking start chopping off hands. I think thieves can go to jail. I think we can go to jail. we can chop their dicks off yeah i'm oh four how about this chop their dicks off okay the worst defenders get executed yes we shot we chop some of their dicks off uh and they have to like still they stay in jail dickless in a horrible life sentence yes that would be good and i also believe that members of congress and senate should be on the same health care that their poorest constituents

i love that i think they're poorest constituents yes in your county whatever you're representing government that's your medical insurance you don't get to get fucking dental because you're in dc uh 100% you're in fucking you know bum fuck mississippi and you're like oh i'm a para publicer blah blah blah oh guess what fucko you get their dental and their health care and their vision yeah fucking fixing and you have to wear overall shirtless too and you get that every time you're fucking in there that's got to be that's got to suck to be like smart and be from mississippi yeah yeah yeah you're like you're like I had like a, in high school, I had like an organic chemistry.

He was like, they brought him in special to teach like the smartest kids. Yeah. And he was just, he had the thickest southern accent. And then you go, I don't believe any of the science. And he was so like, we're not done. You know, he was like, we are not dumb. And he was just so smart. He got, there's a plasma debate and you go, this is all, what is this?

Swamp science? Did they put me in that class? I don't know how. Because I cheated a lot and I would get into like. Shout out. In math and science, I would cheat. So sometimes if I cheated too good, I would be put into like, class I was not capable of.

Don't, children. Children that are watching this. We're trying to save you for files. But also we're trying to teach how to cheat better. Cheat. Yeah. Don't you too good. Cheat to us.

That happened to me in history and then I just ended up being good at history. Well, history's how I got into AP history. I cheated in the regular one. And then I was like, I'm fucked. Then I was like, hey, I like this. It really is. Dude, that's so funny. I got into the, in middle school, I was a horrible student.

Like, I was going to fail eighth grade or whatever. I was getting all Fs. And it was the war of 1812. I got like super into it. And I started memorizing it. And then I was like, oh, this shit kind of rocks. And then I was into it and I was like,

oh, this fucking, and then I got a good grade. Yeah. I was like, oh, this is. It feels awesome. Yeah. But that didn't have an even organic chemistry.

I failed so fucking hard. But cheating is, when you cheat too good and I think you're smart, when I was in college, I had to get my degree, I had to pass a foreign language thing. This might get me in trouble.

So we might have to edit this out. I think you're fine. You thought McGruber happened three years ago. Yeah. It was a long time since you were in college. Yeah. I graduated college.

I hope the dean doesn't take my degree away. Oh no. 20 years later. We didn't even know he went to school here. But I had to take a French class. Like to get a journalism degree, you had to have like a certain amount of foreign language. I didn't know any foreign language.

I didn't take foreign language. I took it in high school. Yeah. You don't remember it. Dude, I got through a year and then I got difficult and I started to have to cheat. And you're supposed to do two. two full years.

I did a year and a semester and then I found out this is when I started doing stand-up my senior year and they were like can you prove you make money traveling and I could do correspondence classes

Wow and so I was like yeah I brought in like three pay stubs from like different comedy clubs and I was like go on the road I was going on the road like once every three months

but they were like oh total and I brought my work stub in from the radio station and I go I work full time at the radio station and I do stand-up and they were like

yeah you can do correspondence well then I like read this is getting so you had to talk to them in French this is being too good at cheating okay so I looked at the at the rules and the rules were assignments were two thirds of the grade right and then the other third was the midterm in the final I was taking a lot of polysci minor so I was taking a political science class and this girl that was in my group project lived in France she was like oh I lived in France for the last three years and I was like oh so you're fluent she was like yeah and I brought my workbook and I was like how hard is this assignment she goes this is like basic English for you yeah and I was like if I gave you $500 could you just do this workbook and she

went yeah and so she did the workbook by the way it took her a week yeah like she came in and I did not have $500 so I was like giving my paychecks I was like signing over my paychecks to We're being like, I think that. It probably went high, too. I bet she would have done it for less. I bet she would have done it for 100. Yeah. It was so easy.

I didn't realize how easy it was for her. But she did the whole workbook, right? And then I take it home and I copied it in my handwriting. And I'm getting like 10 out of 10 on assignments. Bo? Like bowl. Like, like, three, like, three bowl. And you're like, oh, it's very good.

I'm doing well. I know what that means. Yeah. And then, dude, I went in and took the midterm and got like a 15%. Love that. And the French teacher was like, what happened? And I was like, I have anxiety. Yeah, I'm not a, it's literally what I said.

I'm not a test taker or whatever. Then I turned in the rest of the assignments, all ball, all good. And then I took the final and got like a 25% and she was like, I'm failing you. And then I had to go in and go, the rules are two thirds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a D. And I went, D's get degrees. And she was, this one.

was like, there was the only time I felt like a criminal. Of course. Where she was like, I know you. And I was like, I did gain the system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing you can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I did the same thing in, in a physics. There was, uh, you remember the TID3 calculators? Yeah, of course I did. So, play Tetris on that shit all fucking day. So you could. Or snake. You could program on them.

So that means they had like text. Mm-hmm. So I type in. You could full on text. There were, I mean, there were like $100 calculators. They were like 200 bucks back in the day. They were expensive. My high school, you would borrow it.

they would like release it out to you and there'd be like that's smart though because you can't cheat with it because i type i had a physics test and there was half of it was like written and half it was math problems and i just wrote the study guide in the t83 i wrote the entire study guide i got a hundred on the fucking on the like ask us questions thing and i got like truly maybe three right of the other half i still failed yeah it was like but you got no They go like, oh, wow, that written part. You're really good at the written part. You go, math is just not my strong.

Dude, the thing I used to do that was taught to me by an older student that, like, so my high school, I went to high school from 97 to 2001. Computers were not, you type up papers, but you wouldn't use computers regularly, especially not in school. There was like a computer lab. The computer lab, of course. I remember the computer lab. So this older guy, when I was in high school I had this class with this guy that was just like a fuck up And he was like, oh, if you want to cheat

Just go type up stuff Change the font to four Print it out And then we had soda machines Because I had like a giant public high school And so you just go get a Coca-Cola You would open the Coke, take a couple sips Pinch it, put the cap on

And then slide it under the label Beautiful And then you would drink the Coke where it would So it would If you walked in it would just look like a full Coke. But as you were taking the test, if you would, like, pound Coke,

it would go down and the answers would be there. Dude, it was, I'm telling you right now. Yeah. I used that over 10 times on tests. I had, I just slide it in and be like, and people would be like, you were not smoking weed to like two in the morning last night, and you're like, watch this.

I would get, I would get friends from the earlier, I had a whole system where I would get, like, someone to take two sheets of paper. Yeah. Write their answers really hard. Oh, and then you would. And then we just hand it off, hand it off like, because it was like, it was like multiple choice, whatever. And then we would just hand it off in the bathroom. And then I just had the

indentation of all the right answers. Yeah. That was awesome. Did you ever have a friend that was, that was too crazy? It was like, I'll just walk in and steal the test. No, I actually, I had a lot of the opposite because I went to like a magnet school and it was all this kid scared. Yeah. I was the bad influence. Like I was, I was the one who was like, I'd have like, dude, these kids that I would convince to cheat, you know, we're still friends to this day. but they have like, they're like, you know, they work for like, they're either in like higher ed or they're like,

you know, go to like one of those like, so those are their accounting firms, like Deloitte and shit like that. Those are their dark days or they're like, Stavros got me to cheat and I've never. I think, I think,

yeah, they were like the smart kid and they were, and it's like half of the kids are like every family's hope. Because all of us are like poor kids from Baltimore. That's what magnet schools are. So it was like, so half of them were just like,

if I get caught, you know, their brothers in jail. It's like, they need they need this shit and I'm like come on man it's like a country that you don't even know it's like Uzbekistan and you go I didn't even know it was a country yeah I'm it dude I'm the one hope I get it's just fucking cheat I had never got caught thank God one time the calculus teacher I think he was old as fuck and the kid next to me uh just happened to be

out that day and I think he knew I was up to something and the teacher just sat in that kid's desk oh and then and my whole plan was cheating off of those around me. And I had one kid who just wasn't good at you. There's actually a kid who I've told the story before. Our JV. soccer coach gave him pornography not even in a like pedophile way and like a dude boys way like he was so pathetic. He wanted to bond with a child by giving him born. Oh my God. How does that go through your head

as a good idea? This guy was a very funny guy. He also like was a thief. I knew that he had robbed some like I he we grew up together. We not together but he grew up in my neighborhood and I knew that he was a criminal. He was lying about his background. So I had him, I used, I, I, I, I blackmailed him to start. I was like, I'm the fucking, I'm getting playing time or else we're going to have fucking problem.

I'm not here to stand on the side or you're going to fucking jail. That is so great. I think I'm going to sub in. He goes, no, you're not. You go, I'm subbing in. I think I am. Oh, I think I am. And this kid would just fucking put, he was.

so unsmooth that he finished his test and he just like put his head down like he was like I can't he was like he like he felt bad about cheating so he like put his head down pretend to take a nap but like left his test fully exposed and I was like shut just fucking you're gonna pull it for everybody you're fucking Wengo you're gonna get us all caught dude dude there was guys Wayne Grove I uh I went to high school in the suburbs where people are bored so they want to do bad shit because they're bored and then you'd find a live wire and he'll be like, dude, I'll just straight up fucking go in the period before and take the test and you're

like, what? And then they'd come out in activities hall and he'd be like, I got it. And you're like, you're out of your fucking mind. And then you're like, give me that. And then they had to like change it up. Dude, there was a guy that was infamous at my high school. He was a junior when I was a freshman. He was so good at cheating that the teachers

knew he was cheating. And one time a teacher sat in class and watched him. Right? And then he left. They took a test. and he left and the teacher went back to his thing and he's going through it and the kid wrote you'll never catch me on one of it and the guy was like

I don't even know if he cheated that time but that teacher told me the story and he was like this motherfucker just lived in my head run free the rest of the semester. Caprio and catch me if you can't do you know he just put it down and he was like and I bet that kid didn't cheat that one time sure but it worked it fucked that teacher's head up. I'm awesome to be playing

those kinds of I marvel at kids that were playing mind games with adults they grow up to hunt people That guy grew up to like, I'm sure he fucking murdered. It turns out that's James Harris from the Aurora shooting. You go, God damn it. Now, he was from San Diego. Okay. Look into that.

He wasn't from Aurora. Okay, okay. And he was also schizophrenic and off his medication. I forgot. A lot of Colorado shooting you can blame on the altitude and the people there. Sure, sure, sure. That one. That one, not homegrown.

No. Yeah. That was not a homegrown. Columbine was. That was a, who else? Wasn't they, weren't they trying to bomb it? They couldn't figure it out, so they just shot it. Yeah, yeah, read that Dave Collum book.

I think I have it. I can like to borrow it. Columbine by Dave Collum is fucking nuts. Checking off your to-do list, here's an easy one from Penzoil. Get up to a $30 MasterCard prepaid virtual card with the purchase of 10 liters of Pennzoil Ultra Platinum at Canadian Tire. Maximizing engine protection and getting a reward for it? That's two checks on your list.

Penzoil. Long may we drive. Offerance 83125 valid a participating location only. valid email address required. Terms apply. See penceworld.ca slash offer for details. MasterCard is a trademark of MasterCard International Incorporated. Their original plan was to the library was above the cafeteria. Their plan was to blow out the support beams of the cafeteria to bring the library down on everyone in the cafeteria and then have a cross pattern out in the parking lot where anyone that fled they would just shoot as they came out. But then the bombs didn't go off. And Eric Harris,

who was the psychopath and Klebold was the follower, he just went in there and just started fucking shooting people. Started in the cafeteria, went up to the library and then worked his way. And it was like, if you're in Colorado, especially if you're like an older millennial, you remember every moment of that. Because you're just like, holy shit.

But that book is amazing. Because the guy that talks about, it's like his daughter went to Columbine and he was like one of the head behavioral guys at the FBI. He negotiated with David Koresh. oh wow at um in waco like dude this guy he was the one that kind of tipped his hand that uh chuck schumer we might have to edit this out because i don't like this might just be a pure conspiracy but i've i've read it on the internet and it was like they negotiated with david caresh

this guy whose daughter like he's in columbine the book yeah i think you read on the internet have not corroborated i don't know i got to look this off i'm gonna tell you right now you're just kind of dipping your toes, a little cueing on. You're going to come in. It's going to be all aluminum foil. And I'm not even saying you're wrong. I'm just saying, let's do a little research, Dan, because we are aligned on our hatred for mainstream politicians.

This episode might end up heavy edited after I do some fucking a little bit of research. No, I think where you and I are aligned is where everyone is aligned where I think most people want to see everybody not suffer. Exactly. I mean, that's the crazy thing. It's like, that's the baseline thing is that there's so much money in America. that the fact that, I mean, what's happening is every company has to keep making more and more profits. It's insane.

They can't just be profitable and be happy with that. I mean, the example of the Arizona iced tea, it's like, that motherfucker's 99 cents, baby. And he's great, baby. And he's fine. They're making money. You see that CEO talking. Every other CEO's like, we have to keep making more money. We have to be richer.

We have to create shareholder value. It's like, no, you fucking don't. Run a business that makes money that pays you and pays your employees. And America, now we're just fucking. They can't squeeze people anymore, so they're trying to sell off the government, too. We've also, in this weird, fucked up way, idolized CEOs, which is also why we're idolizing politicians, you're not supposed to like the teacher. No, or the boss?

It's your boss. It's like, you're supposed to be like, I don't know, he goes to the country club and fuck him. You're supposed to be like Clark Griswold, where you want your crazy cousin to kidnap him if he doesn't give you a bonus. Yeah, I mean, like, shout out to Luigi. I mean, it's not good. It's not good that anybody do random killing. You don't want people dying.

You don't want people dying, but it's like, those people kill someone every day. Like, CEOs are killing people with, you know, like a healthcare CEO is killing somebody by just not, by saying that their profit is more important than somebody having access to health care. I think that's a problem. It's not the same as gun violence, but it's violence.

Like, there is violence done by the super rich. And I think basically, I'm not even saying you can't be rich as fuck. Be rich as fuck. But Burgess said it where it's like, how about instead of a billion, you have 900 million? And your employees can get dental insurance or whatever. I would say the problem is that we let companies have shareholders. Yeah. I don't think CEOs and companies should be answering to people that don't work there or use the product.

Yeah, you're telling me like, okay, let's say a company, you buy stock in a fucking somebody who makes lawn mowers or whatever, right? Yeah. And they have a great year. Yeah. And you know, the guy, you know, the workers work hard as fuck. They, everything's efficient. The managers, you manage, you know, everything is like, they figured out a way to streamline

everything. They turn a great profit, whatever. Some guy in an office, half of the country away, gets the spoils of that. Not the guys who built the fucking lawnmowers. You know how. Why don't they get the fucking profits? Imagine morale. Just the guy who bet on it?

Imagine morale. Imagine the productivity is if that guy instead of that shareholder in another city that just gambled on it and if that's all gone, they have a good year. He comes out to the factory floor. He goes, guys, everyone's getting two more dollars an hour and Christmas bonuses and everyone's like, yeah, there's a Christmas party and people getting drunk and having fun. And by the way, they can buy houses in the area. They can buy cars. They can get to work. Which is better for society.

Which then just makes that town strong. And every societal problem, you talk about, like, violence, you know, a crime, whatever. It's all money-based. There's no, yeah, it's like people are pushed to that stuff. Yeah. And, yeah, if we just had a basic standard of living in this country where it's like health care, housing, you know, people could afford to feed their fucking families, that's it. My problem is everything you just said, I 100% agree with, right? I feel like we're going to put this podcast out and there's going to be people that are like, shut the fuck up.

And you're like, what don't you like about that? You don't think, so you don't think everyone in America should have healthcare housing and the ability to feed their families? And if your answer is like, well, I didn't get to do that. It's like, well, so the fuck what. Dude, you know how fucking lucky I got, I was, I owed over $90,000 because I paid for college myself. Damn.

When my, when I was. To get some bitch to fucking write your essays for you. For real. French essays for you. By the way, though. 90,500. 90,000. well worth it for a degree i don't even fucking use but my mom was like when i you know you have an

immigrant mom and i had a single mom and there is this like there is this like um venn diagram where they go please make me proud i worked very hard yeah this was really really hard please do something that i can go tell my friends yeah that you did and for my mom that was like my mom was college educated she had to pay for it herself and she was like you're gonna do that you're gonna please get a college degree just so I feel like I did my job as a mom yeah but also she was like you're paying for it right which gives you so much anxiety totally so I saw my mom I go great well I'm gonna go to community college for two years which she knew I would drop out so then my mom like helped me we found this the parent plus loans and then I registered for stafford loans and like Sally may

I got in company with all those gross motherfuckers and I got all these loans I was only able to pay it back because I did seven seasons on a showtime show and I got an HBO special. Oh my God. I mean, that's another thing. We should throw education on the basis. I had to be an all star in the MLB to pay off my fucking college.

But the point is, is like, it, I paid my college loans. Totally. I'm fucking dude, I'll tell you right now. I jerk off to X fucks,

old fucks, but you know what I jerk off more to you? That phone call where I said, we're good. And I paid where they were like, I had 10, thousand dollars left and they're like okay so we're gonna set a payment i went no no no i want to pay it and they don't want to pay it and they don't want you to pay it we can like do it like this and

i went no you're gonna take my money yeah right now yeah and hearing that woman go and i go what is this do if i pay it she goes then you're clean you don't know anything and i paid it and it was like i hung up that phone i called my mom and i went i just paid off my fucking loans yeah and i remember being like oh like it didn't matter yeah the weight off my back if you told me they were going to forgive college loans I'd be like 100% you should do that Of course I'm not gonna go like

I had to fucking get on a TV show Dude I got lucky Yeah I have a fucking awesome My job is our job is so much fun I know I don't understand people who get rich And then turn their back on being poor Well because you know when I needed a fucking tax break It's not now

Yeah I can pay my fucking tax now I just don't want to go to the fucking NYPD getting tanks Yeah I want to go into fucking you know Like education health care, whatever, I needed a fucking tax break when I was broke. I wouldn't mind mental services for the people outside the fucking bodega on my corner. That's another thing. Like, I'm

working on a bit about it now, but it's like, cops used to do a lot that they had no business doing. They didn't. They used to not be ambulances. You know, it used to be cops? That's crazy. Like, somebody would break their fucking leg and a cop would show up. It's insane, dude. Get up. Get up. You're fucking faking. The femurs coming through the skin. It's a knife.

All right. Easy up. Clean up. Hey, better than driving them down the same But it's like, yeah, it should be, that's a mental health issue. But it shouldn't be aggressive people and fucking insane people mixing. Get some, get a gentle guy. Just, I don't know, or even open up an asylum, pay your taxes. It just, I don't know, man. I don't know shit about.

It's a separate issue from like straight up crime is homelessness. I wish, two people that have addictions, right? I'm a substance guy, you're a food guy. Yeah, and substance. And substance. And substance? Yeah. When you have an addictive gene, you have an addictive gene.

What's crazy to me is that no one thinks of wealth hoarding as an addictive gene. I wish people who wealth hoarded looked like people who overeat. So you could go like, like, dude, if Jeff Bezos looked like a thousand pound life, if he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, he goes, I love Saturdays. Yeah. If he was like, all fat, he was like, my beautiful wife, you know what I'm saying, and she's like, I love him for him. And he was just a pool of a human being.

Totally. I wish that's... It would be nice there was some kind of like visual marker. If Elon had to get forklift into the room, they're like,

beep, be like... Yeah, because that is what it is. It's resource hoarding. It's like when you see one of those fat monkeys. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's like, that's what they're like. But then here's the thing. All I'm saying is I think it would be funny if people who hoarded wealth were really fat. There will be someone

in the YouTube. comments it's like fucking lip tart soda or whatever and it's like hey you're the fucking loser you're sucking your dick you're sucking a guy's dick who literally looks at you as an expendable piece of how to make more money you're pathetic you're the fucking batter they they might as well put a fucking it's the mate you're the matrix pod where they would love to just put something in your brainstem to generate electric and by the way they do what do you think fucking smartphones yeah yeah yeah yeah you think that algorithm is helping you yeah dude snapping out of an algorithm run, where you go, like, wow, dude, I try to do this as a joke, but...

Yeah, last night at bed, I was go, I want to go to bed early. Yeah. And I'm just on my phone and I hate it. I've, there's nothing good. And then that feeling would be like, I feel like I've done something. I feel like I've actually worked out where I'm like, I did it. And it's like, no, you didn't. Just wasted an hour.

You know when there's like an alarm going off or a buzzing, and then it stops and then it feels like empty? That's how it feels when you get off an algorithm sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, it was just a buzzing that ended? Dude, I was on a plane and there was an old lady, old rich lady in front of me. And she had her screen, very bright, no screen protector. I watched her scroll.

She did Facebook, Twitter, back to Facebook, email, Twitter. And I watched her go. Dude, it was worse than any mushroom trip I've ever had in my life where I was like, oh, oh, it was like Tucker Carlson, little girl dancing, a puppy picture. A motivational quote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tucker Carlson again. Trump.

And then she was like, but she was just scrolling and you're like, dude, I can't watch someone else's algorithm. Yeah. But that's why they're fucking, that's how they're getting us to shut the fuck up. And then the bots that go like, it might be a bot that goes like, ah, these fucking libtards just suck. And then someone goes like, yeah. And you go, dude, they're making you look stupid.

I know. It's, I mean, it's just like, I don't understand the like sucking off the people that are making your life bad. It's like they're hoarding well. they're like no one can make a billion no one can make that level of money they don't work that hard yeah you're telling me you tell me somebody worked hard enough to make 400 billion dollars that's why that's what they're they're that much like if somebody makes you know 90k a year but that guy is worth i can't even do the math thousands of times more people in dire situations right

now though will look at you and go yeah but i'm going to do that and you go there's no way you are yeah because i'm gonna tell you right now someone that's been around very rich people either because of the but because of billions or just because of living in new york city the ultra rich are very apathetic oh they don't care like it's tim dylan's character for real for real yeah absolutely like no like no k-fabe like an actual guy that's just like they don't appreciate humanity and there's like a there's like a there's like a there's a poetic justice to it where it's like these people's lives are empty yeah like they're not well it's it's empty in the sense of like there's no nutritional value yeah they're just like everything they

have it's like they live off a life of fast food there's no like home cooking there's no like there's no uh grounding there's no grounding of like i'm a member of my community I'm a member of like I'm friends with my neighbors what's the point of the money I mean I'm not but fuck that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah talk to fucking apartment f i know i met a couple neighbors they were pretty nice oh yeah an old couple and a couple of young gals have you won over the african dormant yet we're get actually yesterday yeah i asked him about the rooftop watch davy's podcast when it comes out with me and yeah but i'm i'm interested to know what he's about the rooftop he kind of smiled he's like you're gonna go enjoy the rooftop

he's like oh he liked that for some reason you know he's inscrutable i don't know what he likes what he doesn't like i you like the moon yeah yeah i like the moon he says you like that we go I guess I like the moon. Yeah. I do it. I'm like, dude, I'm a big moon guy. I'm a lunar head. I'm a lunar lunatic.

I'm a lunatic, brother. I'm a lunatic. Then you know that it is a crescent moon tomorrow when you go, it is. It goes, it's a half full moon. I knew you are full of shit. Is it waxing or waning? Quick, go. The waning?

No. Go. Get lost. Yeah, I don't know, man. I think you're one of the fucking best people I know. And you're one of my favorite people that like, I'm so happy you're successful. Thanks, dude.

Because, you know, and also the way you say it is like, it does make me feel less crazy that you go, yeah, dude, there's just no rules and people aren't going to fucking follow the rules. And you go, it does make sense. Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally.

And by the way, I know some of the stuff I said while we were talking is like, idyllic. And I understand that politicians are like, well, that isn't the game. Yeah. It's like us comparing politics. politics, it's very similar to entertainment where they go, why go by the rules? So everyone else cannot go by the rules and succeed way more than me?

Yeah. And you're like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I know it is tough that it's like, it's essentially it's marketing and it's like, it's not about representative government at all. But that's also why I think the only thing, I did literally I did not know if you were talking about standup or politics there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess both.

But it's like, just getting people to know you is the most important thing, which sucks. but also from a societal standpoint I think the only thing that has kind of gotten me a little more that's gotten me off the like nihilistic like oh we're because I definitely spent some time thinking like oh we're fucked whatever and look ultimately maybe we are but all you can control is I mean I do think it starts locally I do think like if you can help out somewhere go help out somewhere

I'm working on stuff in Baltimore my brother you know I have family that works in Baltimore City Public Schools I'm working on doing some programs kids there I even politically I think I think, you know, I think it's important to have people that can actually affect your lives at the most local levels. Local, local elections are so much more important than anyone gives credit to. Absolutely. It literally affects stuff like street cleanup. Yeah.

Fucking times of garbage pickup. Absolutely. You need to know who your comp troller is. You need to know who your fucking lieutenant governor is. And you can actually go to some of those meetings. You can actually have a relationship with those people. I mean, even in terms of our mayor, I know New York's a huge place, but it's a huge place. Like, I think the energy around somebody like Zoran Mamdani is huge because he, whatever,

even if you don't fully agree with his politics, he's talking about shit that actually affects regular people. Well, that's, it's like, he's talking, you know what I mean? It's like, that was the, he's actually, he's actually talking about New York. He's like, no, I'm not going to fucking Israel. I'm the mayor of New York. Yeah, your boy. Why are you asking me this?

It doesn't make any sense. And he proved something to me that I knew, but he proved it when he beat Cuomo, watching all the old Democrats going, no. No, no. Vote blue no matter who. Vote blue no matter who. Except that you don't like him. No.

Terrorist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's Indian. He's like, terrorist. And you're like, damn, you guys really are the same. Yeah. You really are the same. And it helped prove my point to a lot of my friends who are liberal.

Yeah. Because a lot of my friends who are liberal when I push back against like hating Chuck Schumer or Pelosi or that, they go, oh, you're just like a secret Trump guy. I'm like, I'm not a secret Trump guy. Fuck those guys even more. There's an actual third option, which is like caring about working people. Could you imagine, and I know, this will be the most I'd probably ever talk about politics on this podcast. But could you imagine a system where it was five candidates, no electoral colleges, and literally the best policy got elected?

I know that'll never happen until Citizens United is repealed. And that's all that shit happens. But if you fucking could actually run on like, hey, I'm going to do this. Which a lot of people still believe is what elections are, but they're not. It's super PACs. It's why everyone in the New York mayoral race when during the debate said, what will you do?

And everyone but mom, Donnie went, I'll visit Israel. Yeah. And you went, that's crazy. Right. What is that even?

No, the amount, the amount of people, you can tell how somebody votes based off of who donates to their campaign. It's crazy. Getting money out of politics is the number one issue that we need to be worried about.

And also, and it'll never fucking happen. They propose that bill, they propose that bill that, um, members of our politicians can't invest in the stock market and then that one guy went well i don't know who's going to run for government if you can't make money off it and you're like yo you're just fucking saying it like you're just saying it now it's crazy that's like

i mean that's like being hustled and someone going like well i'm not really your friend i'm just using you and then i'm going to move on and you go huh yeah yeah yeah no dude i know it fucking it does fucking suck but check out stobby's world please do yeah watch all of his specials got one on netflix got one on youtube watch tires dave and tires excellent season two yeah yeah uh september 13th i think hell yeah something like that are you doing a euro tour or are you just doing a little bit i'm doing london i'm doing everything else pretty much sold out but check out my london dates i'm trying to get i added a second one we're trying to get that going fuck yeah um but yeah you are uh one of my favorite human beings on earth you're my one of my favorite are you kidding you fucking

fucking bust your ass in a way that's like damn i gotta start working on but i love it man and i love a very empty life no no you have a beautiful home beautiful fiance i'll tell you my personal life is kind of in shambles i've sort of uh we're trying to get my addictions and everything under control we're to find you a queen dude Thank you.