Soder - 95: RIP to my 1st Wife with Ralph Barbosa | Soder Podcast | EP 93

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

Support the sponsors to support the show! Mando’s Starter Pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a Solid Stick Deodorant, Cream Tube Deodorant, two free products of your choice (like Mini Body Wash and Deodorant Wipes), and free shipping. As a special offer for listeners, new customers get 20% off sitewide with our exclusive code. Use code SODER at ShopMando.com for 20% off sitewide + free shipping. https://shopmando.com/ Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/soder #squarepod https://squareup.com/us/en/campaign/audio Get breathable clothes you can feel comfortable in all summer. Go to MackWeldon.com and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more, with promo code DAN.  That’s M-A-C-K, W-E-L-D-O-N dot com, promo code DAN. https://mackweldon.com/ The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city! Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tour Aug 23 - Long Island New York Sep 5-6 - Phoenix,AZ Sep 25 Los Angeles, CA Sep 26 Seattle, WA Sep 27 Portland, OR OCT 3 Tucson, AZ Oct 4 Denver, CO Oct 9 Knoxville, TN OCT 10 Atlanta, GA Oct 11 Louisville, KY Oct 24 Providence, RI OCT 25 Nashville, TN NOV 7 San Antonio, TX NOV 8 Austin, TX NOV 13 Iowa City, IA Nov 14 Minneapolis, MN NOV 15 Madison, WI NOV 21 Kansas City, MO NOV 22 St. Louis, MO DEC 5 Vancouver, BC DEC 6 Eugene, OR DEC 12 Columbus, OH DEC 13 Royal Oak, MI Follow Ralph and watch his new HULU special Planet Bosa https://www.instagram.com/ralphbarbosa03/?hl=en https://www.barbosacomedy.com/ https://www.youtube.com/@ralphbarbosa03 PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  Mike Lavin    @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

It's here. The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. It's in here. September 5th and 6th, stand-up live, four shows. Two Friday, two Saturday. September 25th at the United Theater in Los Angeles. L.A., I know it's downtown. I know no one goes downtown, but I promise you, I'm bringing a very good show.

It's going to be worth your time to go downtown. September 25th, United Theater. Then the next night, the 26th, I'll be at the more. theater in Seattle, which I'm very excited about. And then the 27th Revolution Hall in Portland, Portland, you sold out. So I love you. Thank you for selling that out. Seattle and L.A., pick up some tickets.

The shows are going to be very fun. Dan Soder.com for all dates announced right now on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. Thanks. And I'll see you out there. Yeah. By the way, we just jump in and record. We don't do any interest. Little League World Series.

I like... Little League World Series is, I'm going to pitch it to you. All right. You get to watch athletics the way they should be, which is purely for love of the game. They don't understand pressure, but they do. You know what I mean?

Like they just want to win and no gambling. No gambling? I don't think so. We were looking into it. I might be wrong. But Little League World Series, no gambling. I like that. I don't know.

I guess it could be fun. It's just, I feel like. Like every kid who's like up to bad, I'm just like, he's got potential. He's got potential. He's also got potential. We were watching it, but here's the best thing. It celebrates fat kids. Oh, that's good.

You see fat kids and you go, I guarantee this kid's going to put something on the ball. I guarantee this kid can fucking rock the ball. Fat kids with confidence end up being the funniest people in the world. That's what it is. And then they do these interview segments. So when they win and they get to like the main Little League World Series, it becomes like what we're watching. was Maryland versus Pennsylvania. And it is weird when you're just sitting around

watching kids play baseball. But if you get high, it's kind of fun. You're like, this fucking mean something. Also, they're like, I felt bad because their jerseys were just T-shirts. And you're like, dude, if I got that far in a tournament, I'd be like, can I get a button up? Can I get like a real jersey?

Can I get real gear? At least maybe do they all get like the same brand? Like, are they all Haynes jerseys or Haynes T-shirts at least? Yeah, I'm thinking, here's what I'm thinking, long play next year. Not this season. obviously it's too late we sponsor a little league all-star team that would be cool like buy them yeah yeah but if you sponsor them like what do you what did it say like dan soda or just say like

it'll be like uh we'll go into business together like the a collective you know like the comedy collective and then they'll just have like sick gear dude me you shane we'll put together like a buyers group i'm down and then we'll sponsor a little league yeah that would be cool i started a youtube channel could i sponsor them from my youtube channel as well yeah it's called formula bean yeah dude formula bean jerseys yeah fuck that i'll be a silent partner i don't need my name on shit formula bean on the back of it for with for your car channel on youtube is that what it is like a b yeah i fucking love it dude hell yeah by the way obviously ralph barbosa watch his new hulu special what's up bosa if you don't we'll both find you and kick the shit out of you yeah

greatest special of all time of all people have already said it at least at least at At least in the top 50 release this week. One of the top 50 specials out today. Today. That got released today. Dude, it's so funny because I know you're on a press tour and it was very cool that you came by to do my apartment, my part of my podcast,

but bringing a crew. I like my PR guy. He's cool. But I feel like 70% of the podcast he got me on. I'm like, I could have just texted. Yeah. That's always how it is. That's how it is.

Then when you're like, you know, I know that guy, right? And then he's like, oh, cool. Like, when we pulled up outside, he was like telling the driver, he's like, are you sure this where it's at? I'm like, bro, I could just call Dan and like ask him which one it is. I can just see if it is his apartment. But no, I refuse to call you. Remember I used to open for you?

You refused to call you. And now I don't open for you anymore. Let's go get to shine box. Yeah, I went and bought some shades. Yeah, dude, I love it. Because you know what this turn for me gets to be. After you do this, I get to go. I knew him when he was a real man.

I knew him when he was a real guy. I go, Shane didn't even change this much. No, I'm changing. I have half the success Shane has, but twice the eagle. It's almost like. I went sunglasses shopping specifically for this podcast. Dude, what I like is when people freeze the frame, they're going to see how small this room is.

And watching your PR guy go like, so I, it's too tiny. My PR guy couldn't fit in here. You couldn't fit in? We squeezed out the PR guy. It's like, yeah, dude, it's the room where I saw. smoke weed and play PlayStation, and then I just set up cameras and do a podcast. What's your dog's name? Mertl? Yeah. Mertl can't even fit in here.

Yo, Merton, she's in her kennels. Guys, how she's behaving. Guys, I want you to know that Dan Soder is an insane person, and I insisted Mertl join us for the podcast. He's like, no, she goes in the cage. I go, this is how I just play my power. I put her in the kettle, and you'll listen to me, Ralph. I'm going to put her in the fucking kettle.

I want her to fight more for Mirdle, but I was like, this is his house. It's so funny. That's where you find out. You go, so there's MAGA, dude. You went a hard MAGA. I go, hey, no, Mexican, you're going to come in my ass. Tell me what to do with my goddamn doubt.

No, dude, Myrtle, freak the fuck out. Yeah. And by the way, Pimp, she loves him. So, like, he comes over, when it's just Katie and I, she's, like, laying around the house, and she's like, yeah, you two suck. He comes over, she was fucking pinging down the hallway. And then you guys came, and she's like, she's like, Mexican. There's some flavor in this house finally.

Spice it up a little For the record though Before you guys think that Dan is just this crazy dog hater Yeah Myrtle winning the cage like on her own Dude can I tell you something I play college football The video game

And when I lose I get mad Or whatever Nothing hurts more than her laying on this couch And when I lose she goes It gets up and goes to her kennel I don't know if she's disappointed That I'm mad at the video game Or how that I lost at the game

Dude my buddy's on that game the one that's in your living room. Really? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if he's on the latest one. He was on last years? I don't know if he's on 25 or 24. No shit.

He's on one. Yeah, he's a kicker. He was a kicker for like Fresno State and I forgot what other school. That's fucking sick. Yeah, his name's Abraham Montano, everybody. Somebody signed him. He came to to practice with the jet, with not the jets, the giants, but then they were like, nah, go home.

Really? That means he's fucking sick. He's got potential, you know? I don't even know shit about football, but I give him tips all the time. Ralph got so famous that now he just. has a crew like that where he goes my buddy's a good kicker you want to see my friend hit a 55 yarder i was i'm not like hanging out with like college football players like you want to go on the road like uh him and his brother his brother is the one i met first his older brother became like the

photographer videographer for stuff like three years ago he just came to my show he's like can i take pictures like i'm not trying to make money i just want to take pictures he's like yeah that's cool he was cool people so then the next day he's like can my younger brother come and the younger brother showed up. They're from a town called Salinas, California. Yeah, there's like a lot of farmland. Yeah, like, I mean, John Steinbeck wrote about it extensively. Yeah, Steinbeck.

I was going to tell you about that guy. They brought a bunch of fruit, and they were just cool people. Yeah. And later on, I was, when I started making a little more money on tour and stuff, I was like, do you guys just want to, like, work on the tour, like, come on the road or there? They go, yeah, and you go, good, hit this 55-yard field goal in the wind. I've never seen them. kick in person, but it'll show me videos, and I'm just like, that's good, right?

Yeah. It's, uh, I had a friend that was a really, a college punter. So he wasn't a kicker, but he's a punter. What's the difference? Punters, uh, don't score points. Punters, it's all about field position. So like when the offense can't move the ball, they use the punter to put the ball. It's all field position.

So punters just kick straight up. Kickers kick it through the field goal. So my buddy who is a punter in college, my buddy, Chad, he moved in with me in Tucson because it was warm. all the time and he could like try to punt and one day he was like do you want to go catch punts for me and i'm not like athletic and i was like yeah i'll go do that whatever i'd like a cigarette i'd like put it down in the grass and punters can make it where it go where they can make the ball go like that or they can make the ball go up and then like drop oh nice so they can make it

come down faster and he put one of those on me and just fucking smash me in the face how cool it would have been if you like actually just kept up though and just caught every ball after after after They're fucking just... You ready? Yeah. All right, brother. I blew it. I blew it and it fucking...

It fucking busting my lip up and shit. Nah, sometimes you got to get hit in the face with a ball to remind you where you stand in life. Damn, dude. And that's just from his new upcoming quote book. Yeah. I'm writing a self-help book. Yeah.

It's called, you're not autistic. You're just average. Yeah. You don't have any powers. Yeah. You don't have the good side of it. You're not high functioning autism. you're mid-functioning guy.

That's the kind of life coach we need where people are like, you're just okay, dude. Yeah, so everybody has to just accept that. Nobody wants to accept that. It's just okay. You're fine. And that's all right, dude. Be a 72 overall.

Yeah. That's pretty good. I think I got another year of comedy before, like, it just starts going downhill. And, like... What do you mean downhill? Yeah, I think, like, I'm going to either fuck up really bad

or I'm running out of ideas. can I tell you right now that was the most honest opinion from a comic that's doing well I've ever heard of my life where you go you know shit's getting hard and it's like I got like I got like if I can go away for a while I feel like people keep wanting to see like the next car trick I'm like bro I don't even have cards left yeah yeah it does feel like that do you I mean I like that you got into cars I immediately saw that you started buying car that's my way out I learned how to steal catalytic converters someone catches you and they go All right, you remember how we watched Planet Bosa?

All right, so I went outside And I swear to God that dude clip my Cadillac It's the fucking Hulu guy Yeah, you go Ralph But I play it off I'll be like, I'm just working out a bit It's a new prank show Look over there

We got the video Yeah Yeah, but the formula Bean stuff is just fun I feel like it's helped my comedy Because like I'm doing something else Yeah So like I'm not just like

You know you're trying to write a new bit Like too much It's like you're too close to it Yeah Yeah Are you taking time off the road? Yeah, my next tour starts in September. I think the first stop is New York.

Hey. But it's only a seven city tour over like five months. That's incredible. Dude, that's so funny that your agents, knowing agents, they were probably like, what's up? Yeah. You're like, I'll do seven shows in five months. They go, how about seven shows in two weeks?

They're like, they're like, whatever you want to do, man, you know, you have many cities you want to do and uh they they like mapped it out yeah and uh first i was like yeah yeah let's do that right and then when they sent me like the first like grid of like like it'll be this cities and this week and i'll be like uh let's take off like three of those just so i can kind of like catch my breath a bit and you can hear it in their voice are like uh all right yeah like if you want to ralph is pressing agents it's just something that i fogg good love because knowing i mean you know uh we worked together at the addison improv a couple times you're fucking hilarious and you were a guy that exploded in a way that most of the time in this

business when that happens you're like you feel crazy you were when it happened to you i was so happy because i was like ralph's hilarious he came to new york one time to the cellar and he was like this is how i knew ralph he's good he's hilarious but he comes to the cellar and and he goes oh shit is that Greg Rogel. And I was like, yeah, it is Greg Rogel. He's like, that's my guy. And Greg Rogel's, go watch him. If you haven't watched Greg Rogel, he's a fucking fantastic joke writer, hilarious comic.

But everyone always goes like, oh, Chris Rock or something. And Rouse over there going like, go, is that Greg Rogel? And I was like, you fucking, I was like, dude. And then when you started blowing up, I was like, dude, I would tell that story. I go, I know Barbos is all right. Because he was the way he came in. But yeah, dude, I mean. There's a good writer, man.

He is. He's a fantastic rider. Yeah, but watching you, like, when you started buying the cars and shit, I was following you along. I was like, dude, this seems like whatever, this is what you should be doing. Because it's fun shit, man. We put nitrous and turbo on an 89 Nissan 240. We didn't even tune it.

It blew up on us. It was amazing. Aren't you racing them? Yeah, we raced it. It blew up after the race. We won the first race, and then we did a rematch and we let the guy get two car lanes. Yeah. And I'm just, like, smashing on the Nass, man.

I didn't know that you're supposed to purge it, apparently in a Noss. system you get air in the in the and you got to like bleed it you ever see when they in the movies or when they pull up to races and they just spray the gnaissance i's like i mean that's all i know about gnaz from pass from they spray it up i just assume it's all movie noss apparently that's not for like looks apparently like you have to let the air out oh they that really is like a functional thing for noss yeah you have to like let it out like bleed the system before you race it and i i didn't know that i'm just like smashing on it and then the car like it shut off on me after the race after the second race we lost already

and then i i was like i was like damn i think i broke the it's like a little it looked like a paperclip standing up also it doesn't it's not the cool red button it was no we we like did this bad like we had like this little trigger yeah on a wire yeah like it was like a home alone yeah it's very home alone we're racing bandits yeah it's just fucking Daniel's turn and Joe Pesson. I'm like bending it from, I was pressing it so much. And so after the car shut off, I was like, dang, bro, that's all my buddy. I was like, because it's his car.

I'm like, I'm sorry. I, like, clicked it so much. And then I clicked it twice again when the car was off. And then I, when I try to turn it on again, you just start like, boom. Wait, like out of the hood? Yeah, yeah, I was like side of the hood. It wasn't the motor, though. It was like the piping for the turbo.

It's just like, and then the hood like bent. Was there a chance the whole car could have blown up? I mean, yeah, I guess it would look like Godfather when she starts the car. I think the most dangerous thing that could have happened. We did want the motor to blow up. That was the pull point. It was like, let's blow this motor up. Oh, you guys were, you went in.

Yeah. Oh, I thought you like, from my head, I thought you like did the gnaws and then you were like, you blew it up accidentally. Nah, we. With your friend's car, I would be like, fuck, fuck, fuck. We kept adding, there's like these little, I forgot what their cause. They're like these little nipples. And they like, they go to the Noss line.

You got to do math. sucks yeah that's the part that you don't you're like what yeah because you got to so if you want to add like 50 horsepower worth of gnaz that you know you put like the 10 and the 40 nipples in there and then tie it give me a 40 nipple you 10 nipple yeah that shit is a there's a that's not the proper word for them but what are they're i guarantee people that know they know what i'm talking about would go like oh yeah yeah yeah we ended up we started off with like a 25 shot and we ended up to like a hundred shot, just trying to blow it up. Damn.

See, whenever you say, like, blow up an engine, I truly think it means, like, you explore the car. There is a chance that,

like, maybe, like, you know, some oil or some gas catches on fire, and then, you know, that's what I mean. I don't want to get you, I don't want to see you get apollonia'd

when they're like, Ralph, you can't drive the car. And you're like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Yeah. I'm like,

Danis Southern. Come on. I thought they were going to say. Ralph, get out of the car. Dude, I fucking love that movie. You don't know how, like, it's on my list, like my bucket list.

Like, I have to marry a woman in her home country and then her die before I come back to the States. You have to have a guy, you have to have two Italian guys walking around with shotguns on their fucking shoulder. Or like in Mexico. I'll do my version of, like, going on that. Yeah, I love that. You're down in Chihuahua with a lady and then they come up here. It got blown up. She blows up.

Yeah. That would be, I need my first wife to blow up. I need. I need my first life. In the literal sense. I don't need her to become famous. I need her to become pieces. I need, yeah.

That is going to make me a better husband to my second and find the wife. Do you know what's so funny about that is Katie and I joke around where I'm like, if you die, I'm going to drink again. And she's like, yeah, but then you'll be the greatest comic of all time. You're like, don't say this because then it's put such an amount of pressure. She's putting like this John Wick out into the world of comedy. You know what it's going to happen? It's going to be like, if she does die,

I'm going to have that dream where I'm sleeping under, like, a highway. And it's like her laying across me. And she's like, you've got to be anything like that. I was like, ha, ha, ha. You know, I don't know what. Ha! Fuck. Oh, fuck.

I think you should, like, have, because I don't even, like, sober. I think you should have one day a year, like a purge where you just, like, fucking go off, bro. My brother, that is not how it works. Turn into the Hulk. You know? Let me tell you. right now I had this plan when I quit drinking that I was like when I hit you 10 years sober and I used to do this a lot I would pick my like oceans 11 team of who I want to drink for a day

after I said this is when I quit drinking I was like if I hit 10 years I'm going to bring in like Joe de Rosa Joe list I'm going to get all the guys that I used to drink with and assemble them right I'm telling Nate Bargetti this and I'm like so This is what I would do. It would be like a Saturday in New Orleans and we would drink. But then, you know, Friday, I probably have to have a couple beers just to get ready for it. And Nate stops me, he goes, you're already at two days, man. You're already back.

And you're like, that's why I can't plan that. Because I'll just be like, well, then I'll drink the day after because I'll be hung over. You shouldn't plan it. You should give yourself two days. I think you should give yourself two days a year. Yeah, not even a weekend, just two days. And just a Wednesday, Thursday. Fuck it.

Big problem for the door guys downstairs. But you shouldn't plan it. You should like, it's a thing of circumstance. Like when it happens, it happens. Like full moon it. If the thing's aligned. If the planet's aligned. And then Katie just gets a call from a pay phone.

She's like, port authority. And I go, hey, baby, I'm in some real trouble. I'm in day two right now. It has to be like you and Katie have an argument. You like just. That's like 19. By the way, that's like 1950s arguments. where they go like,

I can't take it anymore. And I slammed the door and she goes, he was gone for three days, drinking down by the docks. Yeah, you got to do it like that. You got up to the docks, bro. Yeah. He got on a ship left, left port.

You don't got to, yeah, well, you don't really, if you're, look, I don't want you drunk in front of Katie. I'm trying to protect you. I want to go back to talk about your first wife blowing up because I feel like,

guys, it's, it's the dog days of summer. It's sweaty as hell. And your body, man, if you're a guy like me and you can't smell, you don't know how you smell. And you're like, well, I hope I have, I hope my deodorant did the heavy lifting. Guess what? Now there's Mando. Created by a doctor who saw firsthand how normal B.O. was being mixed diagnosed and

mistreated. Now you got Mando, the full body deodorant. Clinically proven to block odor all day and control odor up to 72 hours. Mando deodorant product options, you got the solid deodorant stick. If you want to go old school, which is formulated and powered by mandelic acid. Oh, man, I just, mandelic acid. Sounds like such a good band name. But it stops odor before it starts.

You can also get the spray, which is aluminum-free and ideal for hard-to-reach places. So you can choose from a variety of fresh scents. Like bourbon leather, Clover Woods, Mount Fuji, or Pro Sport. Clinically proven to control body odor

better than a shower with soap alone. 12 hours after a shower, the average man's gruntle odor level was 5 out of 10. With Manda, the average grundle odor level, zero out of 10. Want to try America's number one whole body deodorant formula right now? Well, you can find them in Walmart, Target, and other retailers across the country. But you can also go to shopmando.com.

Mando's starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, creptube deodorant, two free products of your choice like the mini body wash and deodorant wipes and wipes and free shipping. And as a special offer for listeners, new customers, you're going to get 20% off sitewide with our exclusive code. Use the code soda at shopmando.com for 20% off sitewide plus free shipping. That's S-H-O-M-A-N-D-O.com. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you.

Mando's got you covered. Protect your pits. Smell great doing it. Guys, if you are trying to start your own business or maybe running your own business, then we need to talk about Square. because support for today's episode comes from Square, the system powering half the places you go. If you've ever tapped to pay and thought, that was easy, probably Square.

And right now, you can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash soda. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash go slash soda to get started. Because the right tools, they're going to make all the, different. I'm telling you right now, there's no contracts, no hidden fees, no complicated insoles, just tools that, boop, except every major method payment, like tap, chip, Apple pay. They let you see sales and inventory in real time across every channel and help you access your earnings immediately with Square banking. So if you're starting a business or running one that

deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to $200 off square hardware at square.com slash go slash soda. That's SQ-U-A-R-E dot com slash G-O-S-Soter. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. I feel like I think I could blow up my first wife. No, no, you can't do it.

Oh, I'm not going to do it. I just, I could create the circumstances. I can create enemies and then just be really careful. You know what? that's uh i just like i'd get it now you're full court shot in this you're confidently full court shot in this you'd because you would have to know your enemies would target your wife well how many i mean no because i'm i'm getting them to target me sure but i just be really like like i have there's got to be a line where it doesn't get too evil like too fucked up but like maybe me and

my wife are out and every now and then every now and then i just like i bump a guy yeah and he's like what the fuck and i'm like what you never have the boss to blow me up asshole yeah and then like and then he's like fuck that i'll take out the okay yeah i just feel like if you bring the enemy that would blow up your wife well they're gonna think they're gonna blow me up okay my wife will be just or you sell it as like she's my most important person i can't live without her and then they go you know i really hurt him we blow up that first wife is okay so i'll do that then whenever i bump like a stranger he's like what the fuck i'm like first of all i love the shit out of my wife This woman is my reason for being.

Yeah. So don't, just know that. Only thing I love, as much as I love her, is my car not being blown up. And my car. And by the way, I know it's got a very convenient car bomb slot on the bottom that I welded in there. But just do not. I'm like, you do not. Better not put one-on-one together.

You better not touch my, my Buick Lasabry. I swear to got it. Right there that's unlocked. Boop-boop. The white one, license plates, V, F, F, F. We're going to go in this restaurant, and we're going to be very consumed in conversation. I'll be in there at least two hours. And then you guys come out and you go, you start it.

You drive, baby. I love the way you look. Come on, Ralph. I stopped the ballet. I'm like, let my wife get it. No, no, no, let her. She'll run, too. She'll talk out there.

I know this is, like, dumb. I shouldn't do it. Most of the shit we talk about on here is dumb. It's a little, I don't know if it's, like, sleazy, but I just think it's funny. whenever I'm talking to a girl and I'm like flirting I go way overboard with like romantic shit but it's obviously like ridiculous yeah but I'll be like I want to take you out but I want to do it like godfather style where I take out your entire family and marry you after the first date I'm like we're gonna get married I like you know what that is though you're bringing the fight to

them on the flirt yeah right you're going like oh you think I you think I'm scared of commitment yeah you think I want to meet your whole family right now you think I don't love you right now wake him up wake him up which call your family wake him up i want to go truth is the first time they tried to introduce me to somebody i'm out yeah i'm out she goes she changed his number really yeah his hulu specials gone off my hulu realistically i need today to date a girl for like 10 years before i meet their parents oh yeah the first parent the first parental meeting is it was far it was crazy it was like it felt like an organized hit i met her parents out like yeah it was like at a chain restaurant right

outside of boston and i was like this feels like how whitey bulger killed people like i'm going out there And they're like, you find a wrist on you meet it. It was just like a regular, like an Applebee's or something. Oh, man. You met her friends at Applebee's? I was ready to get a bag over the head. Dude, I would have judged her parents after that. No, it wasn't an Applebee's.

That's why I don't want to say it was like an Applebee's though. It was not even Applebee's, not even like a chain. Don't do that now. Maybe they have a fear of Chotchkees on the wall. They take you to fucking blood ruckers. Her dad's like, I don't fucking like sleds that are hanging above me. Don't fucking put a little league team. God, I wonder what's going on with Pennsylvania, Maryland.

I like how Katie's parents were like, if this guy's the one for you, let's just judge them at a sizzler. Let's go get a modest meal. Let's see what he orders at sizzler. He goes, what do you guys? You get in the Jack? Oh, a guy who drinks but likes the Jack Dangle sauce.

He's closer than we think. You get along with her parents? Yeah, her parents are awesome. The mom's really funny and her dad's really cool. How often do you see them? A couple times you hear. Be honest. Do you ever complain to them about her?

I've made jokes about her to them And they laugh I think that's about as closest they'll get Maybe I don't know if it's just like Like what is she like fucking combative And they're like And you go like right They're like we know

Yeah We know what her issues are Her mom will be like Yeah she can be a little fucking tough Sometimes And you go Cammy knows what I'm talking about I point at her

I don't know if it's like a Latino thing But I feel like I've seen my friends do this And I've done this When they're dating a girl Yeah And they keep having like arguments or something they complain to their to the mom to the girlfriend's mom that's I mean and the mom will lecture the girl

oh really it's just sending the coach to the mound yeah to have a little meeting at the mound your best backup is your girl's mom that is smart that is smart because that's like uh you know talking about yeah then you get the whole system against them yeah where you go no no no you you made this you know how to control it you're talking to the programmer have you dated you get in there get in there pull some screen can you update her can you Can you run a software update? Hey, because she's not listening

that good anymore and I feel like you get up there. She's lagging. He's not going to fucking lag them on it. Yeah, that is really funny. She's the mechanic for your girlfriend. Yeah, dude.

She's got a rag. She goes, what's going on? She's still not eating? My, I don't know if my mom is trying to give me back with one of my ex-girlfriends.

Absolutely. But they hang out like a lot. No, that's, let me tell you right now. That is 100. percent that's a setup that's it's weird we broke up like two three years ago just do you tell your mom not to do that nah but i do you do that i don't i wouldn't want to do that i'm not going to be like hey i forbid you i don't know dude you're doing well but you got to do it now

you can't do it if you're not doing any well here's what's weird about it though is she met my mom maybe like they hung out like twice before we broke up like that's why yeah that's absolutely what she hangs out with your mom and then afterwards then they started just hanging out

that's the way in she's got the number she can go like let me guess Ralph isn't calling you and she's like Ralph isn't calling I don't you want to go bowl you want to go bowling

I don't have a huge issue with it it's just it's a little weird but if they're getting along fine my only thing is that my mom will give me shit for being like you don't you don't come over enough but there's been times we're like yo I'm on my way and they're just like oh maybe you shouldn't come right now your mom will say that yeah wait so all right that puts a different spin on it so your mom doesn't want you to come

over when your ex-girlfriend is there yeah because they're hanging out and she's having a good time yeah that's fucked up I'd be I fucked up right that's fucked up I'd be pretty mad about that dude what you mean I'm coming over to say what's up and she goes we're just in the middle of a game of we golf yeah they're like we have plans together. I'm like, well, I haven't seen you like in a month. We're in a book club. Nah, my mom's ripping. My mom's uneducated.

We're just, we're just gossiping. Well, it's, yeah. What do they do? What do they do? What do they do? They go out to eat to, like, restaurants. I've never even been to. Just to talk about you. My mom's just out.

No, apparently, I asked her. I'm like, be honest. Have you guys ever talked about me? Never. In the past three years. I don't believe that at all. In the past three years. They've been hanging out consistently for three years.

They haven't brought me up since. You're the three. that links them since they brought me up like when it first when we first split up they talked about me a couple times after that apparently nothing do you think your mom talk shit on you for sure you think my mom goes out to you with her and she's just getting like free whatever they go free avocado toast and my mom's like you dodge the bullet trust me that kid has issues I fuck that kid up you want to know what he did when you're seven to see something this is his drawing she pulls it out

this guy this guy's a driver's license this is what you cried over this guy this fucking loser and you go that's a good drawing you know that's spider man i trace that i do i'm cutting off my mom do it now you know what i should do you leave the podcast and he goes how to go i go well you were being a secretary all podcast bro she's like can i bring you guys anything to drink

i'm gonna go find one of her ex-boyfriends to hang out with him and then just be like don't hang out with him he just got over you Yeah Don't fucking ruin it It's crazy Yeah Dude that would be really funny That is the best revenge

If you find the guy That she dated before you No no no My mom's like Oh Well don't you say What about just hanging out With your dad

Doesn't that the same I live with them Oh you still live with your dad Yeah I remember back When we worked together And hanging out Yeah

I was living out there But your dad is like I wonder about I mean my dad's dead So he never got to see me Do well But I wonder about Like dad's being

like yes I don't know he mad a lot really yeah my dad will be like yo like I'm proud of you I don't know if that means anything but I'm proud of you and then like a week later he's like what are you doing out there you're fucking no we don't care how you look yeah does he criticize your bits uh not the biz he just criticizes like everything I do like outside of comedy or like who criticize shit I say on podcast or like that's fine it's always funny to me because my mom listens to the podcast what's up trish uh better not hang out with any of my ex-girlfriends. Are you out of your fucking mom?

I should introduce my mom to your mom. Dude, a Barbosa, Mrs. Chavez. Chavez. A Chavez Trish collab is in the works, dude. Does your mom drink? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. My mom drinks too. Yeah. I can get her back in fighting shape in six months. My mom's 77, but she still got some gas in the tank. Oh, no. My mom fucked up early. My mom said she had me young.

She's like 40. What year are we in? She's going to be 45 this year. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm on fucked up in high school. No, I mean, no, she didn't, because, I mean, good job. You know what I mean? But that just made me feel, that just made me realize.

Damn, you're that young. I'm 20, I'm going to be 29 in October. Yeah. I mean, you're 29. I'm 42. So I'm like, I was like 15. You could have banged my mom. I'm like, dude, I leave Katie for your mom.

And Katie and your ex, Katie's hanging out with your accent. I'm like, what are they doing? Katie's pretty here. Sorry, sorry, my. But your mom, so you were, you got a young mom. Yeah. Like, was, brothers or sisters? I watched that kid grow up, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, I got, my mom has another daughter who's, uh, 13 right now. My, my other sister, Bella. But when you were little, you were. I was by myself. I grew up at my grandparents' house, though. Like, my mom would, like, live with us sometimes and stuff. My mom was.

Were you guys close? close when you were a little? Yeah, I feel like when she was living with us, we were always pretty close. I mean, but also, you're also close in age,

closer and age, like I had an older mom. So it was just like, this lady, you know? Nah, she'd be, I feel like my,

the older I got, the more of a mom, my mom became. Yeah, she like grew into it. Yeah, but like at first, my mom was just like a cool uncle

who was like, and she comes by, she's like, well, are my parents being shitty? Yeah, she's like down on her luck so she comes and moves in back with us.

Yeah, and she's like, hey what's up and you're like hi mom yeah it's like the you know the meme of james franko and the noose and he looks over he goes like first time it's like moving back with your parents or you're like oh fuck all right i had a mom that was my mom was 35 when she had me so she was like ready for like had a job and a house and shit so i just grew up being like oh yeah this is just this lady's always had it figured out but then you also realize they don't have it figured out even older parents are like oh fuck i don't know what the fuck i'm doing some like latino shit

yeah my grandma became a grandma like at 35 that's or like 30 34 something like that that's awesome yeah my uncle a young grandma yeah my mom's older uh brother my uncle charlie he was having kids like he had his first one like at 15 or something fucking nuts dude having a kid at 15 because you're just like you don't even know what the fuck you're doing nah he was out there he's selling dope he's making like good money oh okay in that case fuck yeah he's like dude i got all the money By the time he was 21, he had like four baby mommas. Really? Yeah.

That's so much. Here's the thing. Beyond raising the kid and having the finances for the kid, so much drama. Oh, yeah, a lot of drama. I feel like we dealt with more of the drama than my uncle even did. Really? He didn't, he's never. Oh, because they come around in their fucking.

He, he, I've rarely seen them lose his temper or argue with any of them. He's just like, I don't want to deal with it. And they could be yelling, whatever. He's just like, all right, I'm just going to walk away. Which is the most effective way. Yeah. He's like, I'll see you in two weeks. And then they're just like, but we dealt with it.

I remember one time I was sitting down with my grandpa watching TV and the doorbell just starts ringing in line. It's like, ding, ding, ding, ding. And my grandpa was like, man, some kids, they're fucking. The doorbell ditching. Yeah. And so I opened the door and he's like, who is it? And I'm telling him like, grandpa, there's nobody here.

Like, nobody. I don't see anybody. And so I closed the door and then it rings again after a couple minutes. And I open it. And it's one of my uncle's baby mammas, and she's just, like, covered in blood because she beat the shit out of one of my uncle's other baby mom's. They just both happened to come check up on my grandma, like, at the same time. And, like, if you would have had the ring doorbell camera footage of that,

I mean, Mike, you could have monetized that clip. Well, yeah, that would have gone viral. Just them coming and being like, what the fuck. Dude, them just like coming out. They just both parked at the same time, got out of their cars and started going at it. They started to the parking, they're like taking their earrings out. All right, I'm going to fucking beat this bitch's ass. One of them didn't even turn the car off.

She just left the hazard life on. You better fucking win if you put the hazards on. Because you get your ass whipped and then you look up in your car and it's just going, I know which one won. At first I was like, are you bleeding? Because I saw the blood, but it was the other girl's blood. Damn. Yeah.

What was the other one just in the lawn? The one who lost? Who took the hell? Yeah. All right, smart. Yeah. Go home, get cleaned up. Licked the wounds.

Winner gets to hang out with my grandma. That's so funny. Your grandma's like, I'm a good hang. I don't know. You don't even know, bro, like, out of all the... And, you know, now I guess my ex is in the ring, too, but, like, all my uncle's baby mamas,

like, my grandma would go out to eat with one, like, a day. So, like, on Monday, she might go get, like, Waffle House with one. Okay. And then, like, on Tuesday, she'll get lunch with another one. And I'm just like, do they know? Like, are they working together to form a schedule? To, like...

Tuesdays, I can't do Tuesdays. You know that's not your dad. You know that's Tuesdays is her day. You know, she's got, she's had Tuesdays for months. She's not going to give that up. I'm like, who worked out the fucking schedule? That is funny. Also, your grandma putting on glasses in the schedule.

She goes, I can do nails next Thursday. Is that work for you? Mac Weldon. Mac Weldon, are you with me? Need some t-shirts that have my t-ties. Well, guess what, guys? Mac Weldon is perfect for summer because they got those breathable clothes that keep you cool, comfortable, and stylish.

They got their new tech linen, combos. You know I'm a linen guy. It's been summer of linen every summer for the past 11 years. Plus, you can explore shirts, shorts, and hoodies and more at macweldon.com. Plus, get 25% off with your first order with the code, Dan. Yeah, Dan. Not like those other promo codes, we're going first name. Mac Weldon clothes are designed to fit your style and the demands of modern life. So get breathable clothes you can feel comfortable in all summer. Go to macwellden.com. Get 25% off your first order of $125 or more with the promo code Dan. That's M-A-C-W-E-L-D-O-N dot com promo code, Dan.

I don't want to say their names, but two of my uncles, baby mamas, their names are almost similar. And then like... It's a dangerous situation. The way they're spelled out because my Spanish is imperfect and I don't often read in Spanish. Yeah. Sometimes when I read it too fast, I read one of their... names as the other name.

So when my uncle, my uncle was in prison for a little bit, his, uh, his roddy head of Rottweiler was, uh, living with his, uh, girlfriend who was not a baby mama. Uh, which, what a position that is. You're a girlfriend with four baby mommas and you're kind of like, it's, she went through hell. Yeah, I was like, and he goes to prison and leaves you with a Rottweiler, which is just like a tank of a dog. Anyway, he had puppies with another dog.

So my uncle's like, hey, this is back when like Craigslist was coming to an end. Yeah. And like Offer Up was kind of popular. He was like, put an ad on Craigslist for me for the puppies and put, you know, Blanks. I'm not going to say your name, Blank's number. So he's telling me about his girlfriend, but I read it as the baby mama. So I'm like, oh, that's kind of weird, but whatever. I don't know what arrangement they have worked out

I'm like this man was a drug dealer for like 20 something years he knows what he's doing yeah I don't doubt how the guy does business yeah he can sell some puppies like this listen the guy's got a gold AK-47 this guy knows what he's fucking doing you don't doubt a guy that's got a gun like that man my uncle

he could uh at the prison he was at there with email it wasn't writing letters was just emails man he sent me this email he was like you fucking retard like you fucking dumb dumb ass like learn to read You idiot. So you gave the baby mama's number.

Yeah. And so apparently his baby mama called them. And she was just like, why the fuck are they calling me about the dog? That's like that bitch's house. And like tell that bitch to sell your dog. Dude, that's so fucking great. She's like, why the fuck? Also, how he gets notified of that.

When you're in prison and you're locked away from everyone, that's how powerful pussy is. It can still. He can still penetrate Seat through the walls and get you like He's like I fuck Why are you fucking yelling at me Because he was

He was on the end of like I don't fucking know I got these And he was probably like What dogs? Why are you calling me? My uncle My whole life

My uncle has trusted me With maybe four tasks Yeah And I have fucked up all of them I can tell I can tell you The dog one is a pretty big blunder I can remember three for sure

There was another one Where I was supposed to sneak him contraband I was supposed to take a bottle of Syrac. Okay. And what flavor? I don't remember. Because I feel like if you're going to smuggle me vodka, I'm going to want a specific flavor.

We're supposed to leave it at like, man, maybe you shouldn't say too much. We can bleep it out. Anyway, we're supposed to leave it at the bleep at the parking lot. And the way their little thing was set up is somebody would like run into the parking lot when the guards weren't looking because it was like a prison. camp it was in like a high security yeah so you had like some little wiggle room yeah somebody would run out there get it and bring it back and then my uncle would just like drink vodka with friends or sell it you know that's got to be i'll tell you that first drink and you put those ice cubes in and you go what's going on the cell block C i heard there's some drama going to be ting ting ting and you

go I'll tell you where they're going to be a real problem in the volleyball tournament they're like those guys can set and spike like sons of bitches I felt so So what did you do? First of all, I felt so cool, like, so good that my uncle trusted me with the task. I'm like, hell yeah. Like, it's cool, you know, do this from my uncle. Yeah.

So my first task was like, how do I get? You call you like little homie or something where you were like, this really gets me fucking pumped up. Nah. Give you a name like, you're my ace. You know what my mom? I am your ace. My uncle growing up would just call us Beaners.

So we'd be like, Beaner, I got a job for you. Yeah. And they're like, okay. Okay. I was like, bro, how am I going to get the vodka? First of all, like, maybe he was just expecting I'd ask somebody or something. Maybe he forgot my age. I don't know. I was like 18, 17 or something like that. I was like 17, 18. I mean, I think if, yeah, you are like. What I ended up doing. Why don't you ask someone this 21? I just went for it. I just went into a liquor store and I put the vodka on the counter and they just sold it to me. And I was just like, all right. Confidence, man. Yeah. Confidence in capitalism will get you a lot of stuff. stuff. I'm like step one, good to go. All I had to do now was deliver the vodka to his girlfriend

who was going to go and see him. Did you get the right name? She had to come pick it up for me, so I didn't have to guess. All right. You know, I drop it off the wrong house and then he's like, you got the wrong one drunk and she actually scaled the wall and she's in here. It's a fucking problem. She's like, yeah. I had the plastic bag. They gave me a plastic bag and I'm walking out to uh because i was like i'm gonna leave so i i was like let her know that i'll i'll leave it at the front porch right there sure so as i'm walking out the bottle tears through the thin little bag and it just shatters everywhere and she had to leave like she she would take off anytime we'd go visit him we'd take off like at like three a m sure to get to where he's at by a certain

time you know yeah so i had to find like another bottle of vodka like before she got there and i went back to that same liquor store but they were closed so then i just went to another liquor store and again i'm like all right here we go like let me just yeah see if this works again it worked again yeah dude that's great that is great young children watching this no you can buy vodka you can buy vodka whatever you want confidence man confident that isn't wrong confidence will get you a lot i think what did it was that i never changed out of my work clothes there you go that was just dirty you know what I mean yeah and they go like

even if they doubt it they go this guy's working they're like this kid needs a break come on this guy's been on the side all that get this guy's fucking fucking screw driver if the guy needs one he's earned it

yeah a little OJ a little fucking toss it back man I think if it had been like beer they're like nah what are you doing but it was sarah they're like this guy's drinking for the purpose this guy wants to get fucked up so they got you

so you did get this so he asked specifically for Sarak. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I can hear my dog licking her asshole. Myrtle?

I literally can hear it. Because I play video games in this room and that's where she goes to do it and you see her going like, hey, Myrtle, stop. Dude, my, I think, I don't know,

I mean, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I think my neighbor tried to keep my dog. What? Yeah, we have a dog back home. He's like, he's a pit bull. Outside dog? He's, uh, both.

He's usually in. side but he'll go outside with us and stuff and uh to use a restroom but he left and he didn't come back with it for like he was gone for like a couple hours so now we're just like wow what he goes you fucking run away yeah we're kind of like in a country type area so i'm like all right he's done this before we're like he goes a little far but then he'll come right back or we see him like way at the end of the block so jealous of that you can just open the door and let your dog run oh yeah but this is what got scary though he's like he's he's gone for hours so then go look for them.

Do you have wildlife? Like things that could kill a dog? Not a whole lot. Just other dogs. And then they're like country dogs too. So they're the same where like there's no fences. Sure. They just wander off their property.

They just go for a little smell tour. Yeah. So they've gotten in fights with my dog before. So that's like what I'm worried about. But he'd leave and then he came back. So I'm like, all right. Then the next night he did it again. I took him out to use the restroom.

And I was like, nah, stay in the garage with me though but then i got distracted and like he just fucking took off so then the third night he did it again but he didn't come back and now we got like worried so but we had put an air tag on him this time and he went to the uh they showed that he was at the neighbor's house and my dad saw the dude coming out of his house he was like hey he's telling it was a mexican dude he's telling him in spanish like i think my dog is here shows that he's here and the dude's like no there's no dog in there like have my dog that's it like we have this dog and shows his dog or like there's definitely not two dogs in there taking a family

portrait and you go in they got the american gothic thing set up like their heads over the dude was just like no dog yeah but they were like my dad went back there like 10 minutes later because it still said he was there he's like man we'll just look around maybe he's like at the next door neighbors or something sure i can't remember if it was that dude i think i think he's dipsy he just didn't want to like i think he was hoping he could keep the dog because i don't know if is that dude's dog or his next-door neighbor's dog. But my dog was in, like, between their backyards, humping one of their dogs.

Your dog's, like, proud of it, too. He's like, dad, I was just getting some pussy. I was freaking out, though. I wanted to get a gun. Really? Yeah. Because you thought that he was just. I was like, I wouldn't shoot the guy, but I wanted to, like.

Threaten him? Wait, but what do you think? Do you think he was? You seen the dog now? Yeah. Is your dog in that house? But I was just spad him out. You know, I like you going full, dude, I like you going full John.

Wick on him. I wanted, that's because in my mind, like, I fucking, like, overthought it really fast. Like, I jumped the head too fast. And I'm just like, he has some relative that was willing to pay money for this dog. And my dog is scared in the back of a truck on his way into the city right now with new owners. I do that shit all the time where you try to guess where a conflict's going to go and it goes to a place that when it does resolve, you go, oh, it didn't even go near how bad I thought I was going to go. My dog was just, your dog's just like, oh, fuck.

finally relieving some steam in your mind is their big big eyed out of a window also the minute the minute I pull that gun out that guy probably would just beat my ass taking your gun in my mind I'm like gonna put it in his mouth you're coming back holding your face yeah I lost the gun he's got the gun now too I've had uh we got some guns at home and I've gone through three of them where I fuck them up and I don't know how to fix them I don't know what I'm doing break the guns I think because on one of them when you cock it you're supposed to do it like faster than I did I did it too slow

and I was like jammed up and so if someone breaks in your house you go that shit they go what do you hold it bro it's because the bullet is like stuck in there and like I'm afraid to like

I don't know anything about guns I wish I could help you I don't know either yeah I that is the hardest part of having a gun is you have to learn how to clean it how it works

you know how a gun works I'm probably I'm pretty sure I can figure out if I like YouTube this shit well yeah you're also well you are you're good with cars which makes me think

you're good with guns I wouldn't have a shot in hell. No, I'm scared. I'd be like, I lost a spring. I think the spring was important. No, I can see the bullet, like, stuck in there. And I kept, like, trying to, like, to make it, like, fall out. But it wouldn't.

So now I'm like, what are this thing just like, boom? So I just left it in one of the cars that I don't want to drive anymore? That's crazy. That is crazy irresponsible. That is reckless on a level that I've never seen where you go. Yeah, I don't know. I got a gun that might go off at any moment. if someone, this car that I'm never in

because you're going to forget and you're going to get like, what's this car? And you're like, here's what's going to happen like two years from now. I'm going to work on that car and finally get it running. And then I'm going to be driving just happy as hell and hit a speed bump

and my first wife is going to just like, and it's like, her heads are like, her heads on like the fucking like a South Park death. She's like driving and she's like, Ralph, I don't think I've ever been happier. I put it in. I have a 96 Impala, so I just remembered like,

I love this American Impala. I love Apollo. It drives like a deer. It's just grape jelly all going down the side of the driver's side window. But I should, no, I should fix it. Do you know that if your first wife gets blown up, I will have to delete this podcast. And then I'm going to call you and go like,

I feel like we talked it into existence, dude. I'm drinking again. I will dip in it. I go. I'm fucking drinking and Katie's watching it. I'm fucking doing it right in front of her. Wouldn't it be like, I mean, it's not going to be funny enough to, like,

go to jail over it, but wouldn't it just be funny like to be in a courtroom and then they just keep playing parts of this podcast over? Just me sitting here and then going, now do you hear the dog looking its own asshole? Right around this part. Now watch, Dan slams the cage angry, clearly telling Ralph that he intends

on them both killing his first wife. I go, wait, you're implementing. You're implementing me. Katie turns on them. She stays with this. She goes, I was out there playing in the whole thing. I don't know if she has Boston accent. It's funnier to give her a Boston accent.

I fucking knew the whole time. We fucking set them up. I love the accent. Does she have one? No, she doesn't. Her family does. Her family does? Or they're like microprocessors.

Micro processors. I'm going to make them say that at Thanksgiving. I'm going to make each of them say it. I'm really thankful for all of you. Could you all please? Micro processor My first time performing in Boston I said that

Just thinking everybody would get it They're just like what Yeah they don't get it It's like when you go to Ireland And you go like Top of the morning And they go Why are you doing that

It's like when you go to Boston You go micro processor I was on stage like I was like Which one else did I do The fucking the town I knew your daddy Yeah

Yeah There was like one guy Like hey By the way I was just in Portland, Maine. You ever watch Pet Cemetery? That's the Stephen King one, right?

Man, like a long time ago. It's a movie where they bury people, they bury, and they come back. And they come back. The little boy comes back. Yeah. So the neighbor, the guy that's like, well, stuff you put in the ground comes back.

Sometimes that is better. Yeah, sometimes that is better. That's a main accent. And so when I was up in Portland doing the Empire Comedy Club, I was going, oh, your sandwich, well, it's better. That's poop.

And they were like, they weren't, they were like, no, like the Boston thing, they go, we don't think it's weird. Do you watch that movie, uh, gangs of New York? Yeah, hell yeah. Where is that? Like, I guess that's like, Wall Street. New York accent. You can go to where, like, you can, when you're here, like, you can Google it, but five points, the five points. You can like, it's like, Mulberry Street.

Yeah, you can go and they have, like, I think they have like a little plaque there, but that's like. We'll have a fight there. Dude, I, fuck it. I'll go, I'll go, I'll go watch. He's like, hold on, I can't do that. You're going to do build a butcher? But I'm going to try it. I killed the last.

That sounds good. That wasn't bad, dude. You were starting off good. I killed the last honorable man 15 years ago or something like that. Dude, you're fucking, honestly. No, you're hyping me up. Stop it. I'm telling you.

I'm a voice guy, dude. You can get a bill of butcher. You can get to one. I think I could do the other one he did. There will be blood. Yeah. I've abandoned my boy. How does it?

I've abandoned my boy. Yeah, that's it. At the end when he's losing it. I've abandoned my child. Now, this is your. milkshake. We've been calling my buddy Abraham, he's the youngest one of us. We've been calling him H.W.

That's great. H.W. This is my wonderful son, H.W. I love that. I am a comedy man. This is my son. It's family business. It's a family business. Now you understand. I take an idea and I write a punchline

that goes all the way to the idea. I steal your joke. I steal your joke. That was what Carlos Mincey. And I drink it up. It's my joke. joke now. So now I do it around the country and they know

it's my joke. Do you think that you could, are you like famous enough you could set up a meeting with Daniel Day Lewis? No way. That guy's like so famous he like retires from acting and Hollywood begs him back. What? He has like a bunch of Oscars right?

He's like one of the, I would argue he's like one of the greatest actors of all time. For sure. Yeah. For sure. He's like unbelievable. He like lives the role. He's like that guy. He, like, lived his Lincoln. He, like, retires after each... He did, uh...

I think he retired after his last movie. Which movie was that? The thread? I didn't even watch that. It was something... I mean, that's what I mean. He does, like, he's like, he, like, lives the role, and then he's like, I can't do this anymore.

This fucking up his mental health? Yeah, he's like, I'm too much. But he's like... Where's he from? What's his real voice sound like? I don't know. You ever watch an interview with him? You ever watch Last the Mohicans?

Nah, I refuse to watch other Daniel Bay Lewis movies, because I don't want to... I want to hear those two accents only. No, no, no, no. Watch him in Last of the Mohicans. All right. Last of the. That movie fucking rules.

What are Mohicans? A tribe. It's basically like about like the West and like the American Army coming west and dealing with the Mohicans. It's fucking. Like a Native American? Yeah. That'd be hilarious. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Londoners, they're British dudes and shit. Anyway, all right. They're acting is on a different. level it's why our comedy's better than them it was created here stand-up was created in the united states they're better at like arts and fart oh fuck dude acting they mop the floor with we know how to time of fart you know yeah we know how to go like we know how to go like

man man man man man ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and they go oh disgusting i like an old man chasing women through hallways when you watch benny hill and it's like that benny hill is pretty hilarious well dude it was just like an old old British dude being like, oh, no, giant titties. And they put him on his head, and he's like, I like the music makes everything funny. It does make, it makes everything funny. Without the music, Benny Hill looks very predatory.

If you pull that fucking music. Put that music over, there's a video that I used to just watch when I'd be like feeling down. Yeah. I would just go to YouTube and look at Benny Hill chickens running. That's just, because you know, the Benny Hill music. Yeah.

And so it's like, it's a short video and it's just like on replay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, bro, it'll liven up your day. We'll get that.

You ever feel like you're on the brink? Like I might just fucking drink again. Just watch that video instead. We're going to edit that in right here. Yeah, yeah. So that video's going to hit. Do you find it?

I can find it real quick. I don't have saved like on my YouTube playlist. It's on it the fuck. It's like one of those YouTube clips where you see there's only like 613 views. And you're like, damn, I think this is all you. Do you remember on like John Wick on the first one?

it opens up with like he's all fucking half dead yeah and he he pulls up his iPhone and he watches a video of his wife you know yeah yeah when I'm like that I'm just gonna be watching this is your chicken video yeah I want to see this oh yeah text me that video yeah I want to even get some weird action in there dude they're all running out there's like a multiple a multitude of chickens what's plural for chicken is that video has 9.8000 views 9,800 we can that to 20,000. I'm like a good 7,000 of those views. They're doing

the analytics and they find out, they go, it's coming from one phone, and it seems to be at a certain time of night. I think this guy's depressed. It's like this fucking guy. He's just watching chicken videos, but I get it, dude. I absolutely get it. There's videos that I have saved on my phone

that I watch that just crack me up. There's like crazy TikToks and shit that all saved my phone and watch. Oh, man. I can't. There's a lady that. Did I have that goes like, she's a white, she's like a lady, a white lady with a shaved head. And she goes, well, turns out you can't chug, chug, chug, chug, lime cucumber gatorade. Dude, I'll play it.

I got that shit, I got that shit. And there's another one. She goes, well, turns out my boyfriend was actually a sexual predator. What the fuck? Yeah, this lady rules. I don't know who she is on, but I have a, I mean, you know these guys, right? Hey, guys, just threw up like a motherfucker. Apparently you can't gop, gop, gop, lime cucumber gatorade.

But who knew? Jeez, Louise. Jeez, Louise. I'm sending me that in the group chat with my family. My dad loves that lime cucumber gatories. Oh, really? I'm going to send that to you right now. Hey, everybody just threw up like a motherfucker.

That one makes me laugh. I'll tell you one more. I can't say this one. But it's funny. You got to share it. I've been watching this one since I was, like, 15, 16. It was on Vine. Yeah, Vine had, I mean, go to Vine, go to Vine YouTube compilations.

I'll send you this video, so if you want to, like, insert it. It's just, it's funny. Remember that, that, was that movie 7? Yeah. What's in the box? Oh. One of my Alzheimer's. That was one of my favorite Alzheimer's.

That was one of my favorite Alzheimer's. Frost and Flakes. Damn. That's so funny. He's eating it. What's in the box? That dude was a one-hit wonder maybe. I don't know.

I don't know. Vine had a lot of one-hit wonders. Right. But Vine compilations on YouTube. That's what Shane put me on when we were on the road together. He's like, dude, you got to watch Vine compilations on YouTube. Vine compilations? I never thought of that.

They're great. They have them all lined up because the guy that, I don't know if you've ever seen the kid where he goes, that's sickness. Have you ever seen that? The kid lands a trick and he looks up and he goes, that's the sickness. It's fucking great. I just imagine this dude, like, if I was him, I would fucking ride that wave way past it's over.

You want me to see if we can sell out the Grammarcy? I'll eat some Frossaflakes, watch seven. No one wants to watch you do there you are. I think I, I think I had a... I'm like, Vine, would you say Vine? Oh, VIII? That shit. Oh, grape off the vine?

Nah, it was my old stomper grounds. What happened recently? Elon Musk was like, oh, I got all the Vine videos or something like that, right? Elon's bringing back Vine. We'll say about that. I feel like, I don't know, like cool, whatever. Yeah. And maybe this is me just being like a total dip shit.

But every time really smart people make like some sort of progress on something like that, I'm like, somebody cure cancer. I don't need you here. Yeah. I need you other stuff. Like I know it's not your field. Babies shouldn't get cancer. Yeah.

How about we caused that, we fixed that before Vine? I know it's not like Elon's field. He's not a fucking doctor, but like, go help the fucking. Also, maybe not even Elon. Whoever's close to Elon, just shift him to like, yeah, how about baby cancer? All the fucking smart people, the smartest, just like 15. Doesn't have to be a shitload. 15 of like the world's smartest people in engineering, in science, in biology, right?

Yeah. Fucking sentence them. Mandatory, like a draft. You guys have to figure it. shit it's a fucking science draft yeah dude I would love that dude just in a laboratory or someone comes by and they go with the third pick in the draft I've been

selected to find I gotta cure cancer oh you're thinking sports draft I'm thinking like military style of draft where like your country fucking needs you dude I've definitely now that start drafting the smart people start yeah like for the next get the fuck out of tech what are you doing we don't need AI yeah driving everyone crazy for five years

I don't care if this is not your field you have to help them yeah if you're smart enough you can send people to fucking Mars you can do some some type of damage with cancer. But if they get drafted and they do the five years, college loans wipe clean. Yeah. Or no taxes.

No taxes the whole five years. You don't have to pay taxes. And you're on salary. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Nerds.

Do it, nerds. Do it for us. Nerds. We'll shove you in a locker. Well, we won't, but we know people that will. Yeah. They'll fucking kill you. What you should do is watch Ralph's special.

Planet Bosa. Planet Bosa. On Hulu. Go watch them. Follow him on social media. one of the best working comics right now. He's fucking hilarious and he's the man. Yeah.

Watch me while I got a job, man. Dude. Thank you. Thanks for having me. You're the fucking best. You're the man, soldier. And let's stop our moms from hanging out with our exes. Yeah.