Soder - 96: Feta Tambourine with Mike Vecchione | Soder Podcast | EP 94

Episode Date: August 26, 2025

Support the sponsors to support the show! Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/Soder to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That’s ZZocdoc.com/Soder  https://www.zocdoc.com/?utm_medium=audiopodcast&utm_campaign=soder The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to your city! Get tickets at https://www.dansoder.com/tour Sep 5-6 - Phoenix,AZ Sep 25 Los Angeles, CA Sep 26 Seattle, WA Sep 27 Portland, OR OCT 3 Tucson, AZ Oct 4 Denver, CO Oct 9 Knoxville, TN OCT 10 Atlanta, GA Oct 11 Louisville, KY Oct 24 Providence, RI OCT 25 Nashville, TN NOV 7 San Antonio, TX NOV 8 Austin, TX NOV 13 Iowa City, IA Nov 14 Minneapolis, MN NOV 15 Madison, WI NOV 21 Kansas City, MO NOV 22 St. Louis, MO DEC 5 Vancouver, BC DEC 6 Eugene, OR DEC 12 Columbus, OH DEC 13 Royal Oak, MI Follow Mike Vecchione https://www.instagram.com/comicmikev/?hl=en https://mikevecchione.com/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvXAipyxI-k PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  Mike Lavin    https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

It's here, the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. It's in here. September 5th and 6th, stand-up live, four shows. Two Friday, two Saturday. September 25th at the United Theater in Los Angeles. L.A., I know it's downtown. I know no one goes downtown, but I promise you, I'm bringing a very good show. It's going to be worth your time to go downtown.

September 25th, United Theater. Then the next night, the 26th, I'll be at the more. theater in Seattle, which I'm very excited about. And then the 27th Revolution Hall in Portland, Portland, you sold out. So I love you. Thank you for selling that out. Seattle and L.A. Pick up some tickets.

The shows are going to be very fun. Dan Soder.com for all dates announced right now on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. Thanks. And I'll see you out there. I'm going to teach you how to text. That's my whole goal. text how to text with warmth why mine's just too direct too way too direct yeah dude your shit is you don't even have not wasting time right gets you have you have you have grilled you have grilled chicken

no seasoning texts do you understand me i think the words you're looking for is navy seal no there's no efficiency yeah chat gbt would go like chat chbt g p t now it's fuck over my head because Katie was like, what are you calling it? And I was like, chat, GPT. If we gave that to AI, your texts, AI would go like, are you mad at me? That's how we're judging stuff now by AI? Who got to you? Are you even a hologram?

I've never even been real. This isn't a program. You're asleep. You're still at school at Penn State. You thought microphones are going to be portable? Can I quickly change the subject? Yeah. I got in pretty easily.

to your building. Hey, here's his apartment number. By the way, the front, little to no security. Well, at least bleep out the number.

Yeah, he will take care of me unless he wants me dead due. In which case, all these people I thought I was close to just want me fucking murdered. My point is that, well,

I'm trying to protect you. I'm actually trying to protect you. I don't think you are. I could have got in here and slit your throat by now. I could have slit your throat. You're doxing me on my own podcast. That's a wild move.

Especially as someone that I want to say was the, security of two five five thirty first street well you had all the machetes which i thought was odd for some reason and you gave me one this is for you this is for your room yeah he didn't even say it was for me it's it's for your room i bought a rambo knife that i lost i don't know i think it's here it's somewhere john j jay i bought a giant john j rambo knife lambo at the edmonton mall at the army supply store and then i mailed it to myself to our apartment which i proudly probably probably held for a day watching TV, maybe put it on our coffee table.

Did you have your WCW belt on or off? First off, WCW, who buys the WCW replica belt? I had a WWF winged eagle on our wall. You're welcome. Right now I have the WWF World Tag Team Championship. I'm sorry. So, but why don't you go ahead and come in here and give away my address with your fucking boring texts? I was trying to get to.

something though what are you trying to get to the lord saviour jesus christ this is all he's pumping since the time he walks in the door no how are you with the lord have you read on the we'll get to it you read your corinthians we'll we'll get to the letter to the romans let's get to it we'll get to it but uh sermon on the mount i moved into my you bought a place yeah with no security and his address is and i'll tell you right now his wife real sleepy so it's just a one on wall one She goes to bed. One if you get there. She goes to bed around 10.

And then you can break in via window, front door. Mike's probably listening to some mantra podcast on his headphones. You've been able to walk right in. But that's my point. You wouldn't. My security is better than your security. I will put. First of all, it's set back from the street.

We have security. We have my, you have a door guy? My door guys are pit bulls. Your door guy didn't even check. He didn't even look up. 3V3. I could have been carrying bombs.

You're talking about my dog. Eduardo, who will fuck your shit up. Do you think this building isn't just chock full of boys from the BX? No, there's nobody from the Bronx who lives here. This is all preppy kids. Our door guys. Oh, they're Bronx guys? Yeah.

You guys are cooked. Where are you guys coming from? Fucking Jersey. There was one guy who looked stressed and he just looked distracted. It's Roberto. You don't want a piece of him. No? You don't want a fucking slice of him.

He'll take you out. Tell Roberto, meet me at Skankfest. Have it sanctioned by Louis J. Gomez to Puerto Rican. We can live stream it. Lewis really is. I guarantee I tap Roberto out. I don't even know Jiu-Jitsu. Lewis really is a train yard Don King.

That's the way he puts fights together. He's like, holy in America. Only in Skankfest. Can you watch a mildly retarded stand-up comedian fight a socially awkward stand-up comedian. Oh, only in America. Yeah, dude, I'll do a 3V3 your door guys versus my door guys any fucking day.

No, my door guys are sick. My door guys are sick. Bitch. I can just tell by the way they handle packages. Dude, their core strength just blows your guy away. We have a whole package department. So if you're letting...

We have one too. Next to the gym. Jim? Ours is the floor up. You want to do amenities? Ours the floor up. Our iron paradise is actually in the sky, not on a ground level like you're shit.

No, we work out. under the ground like Batman. I'm just letting you know. I'm just trying to let you know what time it is, soda. God, I have a cup of coffee in me and I'm coming in hot. I can't, I like coffee, Mike. I can't wait to go downstairs and recruit three doormen and go,

I need you guys to beat this shit out of my friend's doorman, which absolutely does sound like something that we would get into after moving into Manhattan. We were just two Queens roommates and now we're like, my dormant versus your dormant at the old polo grounds. And the last standing man wins A Christmas bonus The Christmas bonus

You own now though You bought a place Me and the bank, we got a hundred year mortgage Do they call you every day Is the bank call you every day And go, what's up pussy? How's my place? That's what I'm afraid of.

They call me up and go, How's our wife? Yeah, they go, oh, I was watching her sleep this morning Yeah, I put a ring cam on your bedroom you just have a ring cam in the corner what is that Mike and a guy goes hey what's up I'm Edward I work at the bank I work over here at Chase

it's the bank yeah I just paid it for the first time damn and so begins I got to put food on that table I can say that phrase now I know nothing about mortgages maybe some of our listeners are stupid like me and don't know can you explain I don't know anything about it either it was a lot of paperwork we did all the paperwork

there was like a hundred pages we were there for an hour signing stuff it's like this is to say there's no lead paint there's like this stuff is all right okay just go ahead and say you want the place or not isn't it crazy that the boomer generation literally grew up with like lead and the gas lead paint yeah and then now we won't let them give up power like these are people that have lead poisoning and they're like i'll tell you what's going on it's the bugs in the wall and you're holding the wealth Senior Senator from Minnesota thinks there's bugs in the wall. They're like, oh, so no school lunches.

It makes kids happy. They're all Mr. Burns. Our entire government is Mr. Burns. They're like, send out the dogs. Fuck them all, dude. Your generation fucked up. Gen X fucked up. Oh, Gen X did?

You guys fucked up. You guys blame us because we like avocado toast, but you guys didn't take the power. Where's all that wrestling, Mike? Why'd you wrestle for all those years? Couldn't wrestle away the power. We're biding our time. For what?

They're already dead. They're walking exoskeletons. Well, I bought just in time for a socialist mayor to come in and make everything even again. You love Mom Donnie. You're a mom. No, I hope he makes us roommates again.

Oh, do that be hilarious? Deport soda, cross town. You know, it's funny? And then we could do like a sitcom thing where we go, Mom, Johnny. It's like perfect strangers, but in reverse. Dude, I'll be...

Perfect brothers. Whoa, I'll be your Balky Baltimore's all day. I said his name wrong. I know Larry Applewhite, but Barry Ball. Balky, he was from Mepos. Perfect strangers, right after Herman's head. Dude, Herman's head was great. And also a real, it was really ahead of the curve explaining that we were all going to have mental illness.

Herman's head was like, hey, generation of children, you're all going to be on SSRIs and fucked up. And we're like, there are people that live in his head. And now we're all like, I want to kill myself because I'm on Instagram nine hours a day. It's so funny when you think about 90s programming being like, hey guys, you're all fucked and we're like X-Files. I'm now getting into X-Files. I could watch it when I was with Mike because he called it Satanic. He said it was anti-Christian, so I wasn't allowed to watch X-Files, but now I am.

What a show. What a good show. And by the way, they're declassifying a lot of stuff from that show that is absolutely true. It's like from 1992 when they're like, yeah, there's spaceships, but you went on Rogan and you hated it, so we won't talk aliens. I was never

allowed to talk about aliens. I was never allowed to talk about aliens where I lived with Mike. Oh, I was like, footloose. I just wanted to dance. But you were John Lithgow, and you wouldn't let me dance. Now, when you started to talk about aliens, I was like, you have 35 seconds to make this about the Holy Spirit.

You're on Christ time. You got 10 seconds to get this to God, or I am shutting down. Don't you miss knowing what's going on in the WW and AEW? Aren't you curious what's going on in the world's professional wrestling now that we don't live together? It's been two years. Roman Raines has lost his belt. I don't even know if you're aware of that. Did the Undertaker go to Hogan's funeral?

And did Hogan rise up? And Hid was ever giving the eulogy with a chair? Did Undertaker actually be an undertaker for the funeral? Like do the balming and the makeup on Hogan and stuff? And that would suck. He goes, It was a character, brother. And they go, it's due.

It's due now. You have to, yeah. Hogan dying, I felt a lot of ways about it. Yeah. You know, obviously, Hulk Hogan wasn't a great dude. I don't know if you've heard the tapes, quite the racist. But a real American, nonetheless. I mean, he was a real American hero.

He single-handedly... Wait, which one was racist? It was Hollywood Hogan. It was Terry Balea that was racist. Okay. Hollywood Hogan redefined what wrestling is with the New World Order. Also, both Hogan's entrance themes were bangers.

Hard to disagree. No one's had a better theme song than I am a real American and the NW. entrance fight for the rights of every man when you were a little boy wrestling was still considered real yeah it was did that make you mad as a is a actual no because i used to watch the the league that no one watched which was the vaughan erics like the von erics you watched i think you watched n w a which was very yeah it was the von erics and they were and von erics

were like very tough guys rick flare wouldn't be rick flare without nbara the von erics which the movie um did you watch the movie no the claw or what's it's what's it called it's not called the claw it's called like uh you should watch that it's about his family and how they all died yeah but you would watch that i'd watch the von erics and then i was a little bit i got back into it because it took uh when like stone cold came in you were teaching special needs i was teaching and i would tape it because they loved it and then i would bring it in kids with the emotional problems and they and it would be a reward if you pay attention in class you get to watch stone cold you know honestly i seek revenge that would have worked

on me too i probably should have been in your class yes i think i had a lot of issues because if you were going to watch the rock and and cane in the cage match i go i'm not going to speak up today i'm going to let this slide what's it called the iron claw you should watch it were you at but you never like took a personal issue with pro wrestling because you were an actual wrestler no no i got i got what it was you were like oh it's just gay ballet it's stunt it's stunt funny it's stunts with a narrative so I understood what it was and I could buy into it I can suspend my disbelief it's a stunt yes it was very like stone cold

and the rock and stuff that was very exciting times dude he called me butt dialed stone cold and I immediately returned his call in a way that while I was doing it I was like this is too fast he called me he called me and I like got back for the and looked at my phone and I was like miss calls stone cold like didn't even go like should I call him back and then nothing he's probably like damn damn son you're two you're too you're too ready to go but I was like hi Steve hi Steve it's me we used to do that joke Dan and I when we were writing that show that stone cold would get sick of working with us and be like hey can you all stop

calling me work dad I'm not your work dad you're like are you proud of me work dad I'm gonna ask you real. I'm asking one more time, boy. Stop calling me work dad. So you'll be my work dad. And you're really proud of the sillies that we wrote you. It felt like, dude, after like three weeks are working with him, St. Germain and I both were like, he thinks we're gay. Because we're like, and then we have a story for this idea. But did you love him? I love, I still love Stone goal. Yeah, yeah. He's the fucking man. It'd be great instead of shaking hands or something. He'd just a stunner and a stunter. And then leaves the room. That's how I choose to believe he goes through life. where he goes,

oh, it's nice to meet you, you're going to be the, a bam! He's the greeted at a Walmart. I love the turn, too. They go, hi,

welcome to Walmart. He goes, oh, everybody. Everything. I would love it. Hello, I'm your cardiologist.

Everything's going. Yeah, I felt bad for how much I made Vecchio and watch wrestling when we live together because I would have people over. I'm not against it,

but I wouldn't purposely watch it. Yeah, but I felt bad because I would seek it out. Hey, I got about 16 nerds coming over to watch Royal Rumble. Yeah. But then we'd order that Michelangelo's pizza. I know you remember that. I know you remember with the good times, baby.

I know you remember that. I love the whole thing. I speak in glowing terms about our experience together, and we live together for other people's taste way too long. Dude, it was funny when people would start shitting on it, where they're like, what do you guys still live together? And you go, yes, and I'm saving an incredible amount of money. We're saving money.

We order pizza. It's like we both would date women and they'd come over. and then they would go home and then we would hang out and it was it was still the favorite i don't know if i ever told that story on the podcast if i did i'm sorry i told that story but it's what it is a real life situation that we watched happen that was so funny was when you were you had been dating your wife before you're katie we both are in love with katies double katies we're marrying katies uh he already married his mine and my katie and i are lazy as shit but you had been dating katie i i i

just started dating my katie and then remember we were watching you me and my katie were watching cheer the netflix documentary about uh it's like last chance you oh yeah yeah the cheerleaders yeah and we just put it on because we're like just sitting in the living room watching it it's me veckione and katie nolan my katie and we're watching it and at the beginning of the episode they go like now this town where the college is is they're like the biggest thing here we got a fruitcake factory just makes fruit cakes, right? It's just like a real throwaway thing and then they do it.

Obviously, it's funny, whatever. So we're watching the episode. It's about cheerleaders where there's a lot of male cheerleaders on this episode. So we're watching, and then Katie Hanigan, Mike's wife, comes late.

And we're like an episode in. So we're watching like a second episode. And Katie Hannigan sits on the couch and then my Katie goes, eh, this guy doesn't work. What do you send him to the fruitcake factory or whatever? And his Katie's like, what the fuck?

Like thinking Katie Nolan's like homophobic? She's like, the fuck is wrong. You're like, send this guy to the fruitcake factory. And they're ready to go. There's a fruitcake factory in the town. And Katie was like, Katie was like, oh. It was so funny watching that miscommunication. Because I watched the first time, my Katie said it.

Your Katie was like, huh. And then again, she was like, send him to the fruitcake factory. And she goes, you know, no, no, no. And then I was like, I don't. think she knows that there's a fruit cake factory in this town oh fuck that was a fun miscommunication she goes to leave one day and uh she says bye dan and you don't say anything and she walks out and then she calls me later she's like i say goodbye to dan he didn't say anything to me uh do you think he didn't hear me i said no no no he's on a show he's what he's on a show he's on billions that's so funny

so he won't talk to you i go i pull you a side rack of he thinks he's better than in you. I pulled you aside. He doesn't do me all the time. I go, how much does, um, how much does Katie pull in via SAG after? I don't know why.

Well, I just don't know if I should address her. Dude, you want to talk about miscommunications. I'm going to get a text about this conversation, but we have to say this on the podcast. Ooh, sock, knock,

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Shout out, handsome Pete. He texted me recently because, there's a huge DJ that likes my stand-up. So that was the only way that Pete was proud of me. It's because this giant... A guy who's on ecstasy? No, this DJ John Summit who's like a big deal was like, yeah, I love Dan Soder

as a comedian and Pete. My roommate who we've known for fucking 15 years is like, oh, it's my boy. And you're like, oh, all of a sudden I'm your boy? Oh, no, fine. Pete, you used to come to shows where I do Monday nights in Caroline. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? But Pete would get,

I mean, he'd pull. He was a handsome dude. you had a joke about him he's a he's a hands-to-dibody baby face yeah he's a shredded body and a baby face so it's a baby face it's like oh women can like i can trust this baby face but then he was built like a yeah like a russian i'm sorry you're gonna have to do so much work and see if we retell stories because i'm afraid we're going to retell stories from when the first time he was on but we didn't know pete pete first off all-american loves football huge dolphins fan fans up and then you hear him get on the phone with his parents and he speaks Russian and I don't know if you've ever known anybody

that has, that's Russian American but when they can speak Russian it, you feel like you live with a spy. Because he goes like, hey guys and you know what? I'll go pick up some milk later and he's like my mom's calling me. Goes in the room, he's like, Neveh, no, Mike and Dan.

I heard that one. You did say our names. What were you talking about? But he would Pete would pull the craziest pussy. I mean... I mean, it was insane. I don't know where he is now. He probably lives on a houseboat somewhere.

He lives in Florida? Does he live on a houseboat? No. I picture him living on a houseboat with like women and... He's doing good, dude. He's running one of those businesses where they like take shitty hotels and make him super awesome.

Start up. And he just goes, like he would tell us, this is when I was still waiting tables. He'd be like, yeah, I gotta go to like, I don't even know a club name to even insert, but it would be like Grove or something and he'd be like, they're paying me to go have dinner with these hot chicks and you're like what

meanwhile I'm eating staff meal from dos caminos that I snuck out and I'm like what do you mean you're going he's like I got to go to the gans of wart they're going to pay me to eat there with like five models and you're like who does this who's your pimp yeah um but he dated this girl I won't give her name away but they they were to describe their relationship it was a Rihanna music video. It was like them making love in a windy sheet and then throwing stuff at each other in our living room. They had a crazy fight, right?

But the best part of Mike and I being comedians, we were home during the day all the time together. So like me and Mike would hang out during the day and then at night we would go to work so we'd go to different places. So Mike and I saw each other all the time, but Pete, he would have to be up late for us to see him or like we'd see him. or like we'd see him before he came home from work right before we went out to do spots right so anyways he gets in this fucking drag out fight with his girlfriend it's like a it's like

when a roommate is fighting with a girlfriend you just are like i i'm shutting down i'm going into my room yeah yeah i lived in a windowless room so i was like i can breathe for 45 minutes in there i hope they clear it up but i go in the room and they fucking have like a fight and it's and we go out with your spots everything it's the national day I go get us coffees at duncan I walk back I give Vecione's coffee and then I'm like you hear that fucking fight with Pete and he's like dude that was fucking crazy I was like she's nuts dude she's fucking crazy she just like breaking shit and I'm I would always Vecchio it was that fight was contained in his room I think though wasn't it yes we could just hear yes and

Vecione's room he had a hallway but his desk was at the end of the hallway and that's where he would sit and I would stand at the door like leaning against the doorframe being like shit was nuts she's fucking breaking out taking my little sips ice coffee and then I backed up a little bit right because their red bedrooms were next door to each other and Pete's door was a jar it was just a jar and I like backed up and we're in the middle of talking about it and I'm like yeah she's crazy and Vecchio and it was like Lyle and Hardy where I was like oh and you were like what what and I was like she's in bed yeah and she was just in bed on her phone while we were just talking we didn't think anyone was in there we thought no one was hung out the door was cracked and no one was in there

full volume recap recapping the fight honest opinion of the fight yeah oh my god I left I think I left I think I went to Neptune diner and called you and was like I just had to leave I had to leave until things cooled down yeah I was scared she was scary she was scary she was a scared Very person. Because she didn't have a sense of humor about it. No. Yeah. About how wacky it is.

You know, from a perspective of they're having a fight in a very small space with two other guys who are kind of just hanging out and like. Yeah. No, she didn't say anything. But then, Vecchio and I and we were watching TV. Well, they broke up. They broke up. And we were very honest. Sometimes when your roommate breaks up with someone, you're too honest.

And they go, we broke up and you go, what a. And they're like, yeah. And you're like, good. and standard. I hated when she came over. Hated her. And it wasn't working. It wasn't working.

You're better off, build your life back up. She made her feel like shit. Yeah. She would talk shit to him in a way where you're like, you're such a good dude. Don't listen to that. So we let it out. We both let it out.

And then like a week later we're at home, Stone watching family guy and the door opens and it's her and she goes, The bitch is back. Like that. You like walks through the living room and we're like, so he told you, huh? That's like a hundred percent.

They're like, ah, fuck. Well, you heard it. But it was, I mean, living with three guys. Yeah. Was, it was. But the, the women he would get was just insane. And, uh, he must have had like, he, he was like a charming. He was a good dude.

He's a good dude. But, like, a lot of guys are good dudes. There's something that you can, that you could turn on. It has to be a charming thing. But also, you have to have the gumption to be able to close. Well, and bring them home and be like, look. Yeah. Let, you have to have to have.

have like balls to be like look let's go let's go back to my place and they're like okay to him bringing girls home stories the fact you definitely remember is when I tell you this little jar you remember when I used to smoke cigarettes I was like that's when I was the door guy you called it ripping butts I sure he calls it smoking cigarettes now ripping butt but ripping butts back then ripping butt and I would be out front smoking cigarettes and he would bring girls home and I'd be like the door guy like I'd be there to like greet him I'd like how you doing and he brought this girl home And they're like, he's like, he's sloppy. Sloppy.

Sloppy drunk. They were both drunk and he was like, hi, nice to meet you. I'm smoking a cigarette. And she goes, we're going to go live out our fantasies. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I was smoking a cigarette. I was like, what the fuck? I wanted a 300 kicker off our stoop.

It's like, shut the fuck up, you dummy. And then they went in and then had sloppy sex, which always sounded like they were... Slapping. Yeah, they were hanging. I always said it was like they hung up a picture and they were looking at it. Like...

That looks even. It was like that rhythm. Remember one time he banged in our shower and both of us were in the living room and we were like, what are you doing? It's a three bedroom, one bath. And like Vecchioner and I were like, hey, he took her in there.

And then we hear like, from the bathroom and we're like, no fucking way. We'd get so bad. I got to go in there next. I know. I got a poop. And now it's all humid and filled with sex air. Ew.

And I, you know what? I am talking shit, but I used to take naked dumps and smoke cigarettes when I was hungover. Vecchio had to live through that for a little bit. I'd be like crazy hungover. And I'd just kick my basketball shorts off and fucking have a camel,

one camel light and a lighter in my hand, like a prisoner. And I'd sit there buck naked and be like, oh, I was just shitting and smoking. Oh, it was the best. And then, dude. And Vecchio.

I'd come out of the bathroom, and him or Pete would be like, hey, dude, you can't be doing that. You can't be doing that. For Pete to tell you, you can't be doing something. It had to be crazy. Pete was like, I'm sorry, man. You just can't be doing that. I'm sorry, man.

I got, yeah, I was drunk. But I call you at the end of smoking. It wasn't really that long that you were smoking. You stopped smoking pretty close to it. About a year, but Vecione would come home and I got into the wire, but I was still waiting tables. So I would watch episodes of the wire late at night, but I'd be drunk.

so I'd have to re-watch them because I would be blacked out and I wouldn't remember that I watched season four episode three and then Vecchio and sometimes would have later spots at the cellar and I'd be drunk watching it and McNulty would light up a cigarette

and I'd be like, right? And I'd just like pull out a cigarette and light it. Vecchio and I'd walk in our living room be like, what are you doing? And I'd be like, by the window, like, sorry, I'm drunk and McNulty was smoking. And I wanted to finish the episode. I got to open cafe tomorrow.

But yeah, and then the other. story that this is an all-timer this is one of the funniest it's one of the most scared i've ever been stoned i know what you're talking about yeah so be like no i don't always have to talk him into getting high because he'd be like no i don't want to get high and i'd be like come on oh come on and how he takes a hits it's just exactly the way he texts the way he does everything it's very efficient so like i he would like take a bowl and how he takes a hit as he goes and you're like damn that thing's in there yeah that thing he fucking sends it that he takes a hit he goes things at your butthole dude relax so we we I convinced him to get high in my room

or maybe we just smoked in the living room which is in the front which is in the front of the building yeah and we're like watching family guy dude getting high with someone that never gets high brings you back to getting high when you first got high and you're like you want to watch something silly and you put it on and you're like this rules yeah we used to watch we'd watch like usually an hour of family guy after we got high but it can it can also work against you in the sense that it it's almost like a meditative exercise yeah because your brain you're used to it i'm not used to it so my brain starts to go crazy yeah like your thoughts start to race yeah like this idea of like getting high and being like hey man everything is great it's like that

i don't know who that happens to it's not me yeah you get high you go why am i thinking about that did i wash my socks why didn't i wash my socks am i fucking well then it's the thing which like i think i'm gay i can't control my mind sure so it's like instead of just like really releasing and enjoying. But that's actually a good description of what happens when people freak out on weed because everyone thinks they're like, whoa, I'm too relaxed. And it's like, no, dog, I got a traffic jam of thoughts up in my brain right now. Yeah, yeah.

I'm bumper to bumper upstairs just being like, in my head. It's just cars honking. Like, ha, and I'm like, uh. But it's what you're supposed to do when you meditate. You're supposed to just sit back and like, you're not supposed to try to stop the thoughts. You're just supposed to witness them and watch them and release them. Yeah. So it's actually a good exercise.

to be like all these thoughts all these thoughts all these it's like just release open a new release release release yeah let him through yeah so we had watched family guy but you know we were very high and Pete came home and just went to his room so that's exactly what happened yes he went home and he went to his room he walked oh no he was facetiming oh that's right that's right he was on the phone and he walks in and like being a third party to a face time it's the gayish in the world watching someone go yeah yeah yeah like people that are on the street facetiming i fucking hate them they go no and it's just like new york city yeah like sometimes i try to get on their face time like our girls there and i'm walking myrtle i'll like pop over

her shoulder because just for once i want someone to go like is that is that the guy from bill you just over a little influencer shoulder uh so handsome Pete comes in the house FaceTiming a girl Having like one of those conversations Where he's like Yeah I don't even know if I've been on a yacht What's up guys?

And this is me and Vecchio And high as shit Just raccoon eyed Watching family guy And we're just chilling Weeds on the table I had like a fucking bag I remember

I had like an ounce on the table Flex Sorry kept it in the coffee table drawer bro that's where the bong pieces were too so i like it's all there on the table we're watching family guy pete face times into his bedroom and then we're just sitting there for like two minutes and then it's like a knock we're on the first floor it's like a knock on our window like and we're like the fuck sometimes you'd have bums we had bums a couple times come because you're on the

first floor one time when i first moved in this is way this is like a couple years before you moved in Before I had curtains, it was literally like the first weekend I was living there. The door was open and I had no air conditioning so the windows were open. This fucking crackhead's like, it's a nice place. You know, Jesus, I was in the kitchen. I was like, excuse me? And they're like, it's a nice place. And you're like, okay, can I help you?

And they're like, how much you pay? Get away, go away. And they're like, but it would happen a couple times. you'd have like a bum like knock on the window or go through our trash because our trash was right there yeah yeah so they would go which is pretty healthy to have your trash right by right by one of the open windows it's a nice springtime breeze when i could smell yuff so pete face times he goes to his room and then we hear a knock at the window and i'm like i look at vecky i'm like what the fuck and i get up and i move the curtain and it's just a police flashlight on my

face and it was like cops open up and then i'm like and i shut it and veckyone is like what i was like it's the cops dude i remember you getting up and going around our couch to your room like you're about to go to your room like i had nothing to do with this and then i looked because i thought it might be people impersonating the cops because we had busted a dude pretty close before that impersonating con ed they were going door to door going hey we're with con edison could you bring us our bill we want to make sure it matches and then they take down your information and they'd steal you shit like that was like a hustle that was going on in queens and I caught the guy because he's like you can bring one of the bills and I go oh what are you

one of those fake con Edison dudes and he was like I got to go and you're like oh my gosh so you are um so I was like oh this might be someone faking being the cops or whatever and I look and it's fucking NYP like cruiser's out front yeah yeah three NYPD and I go to the door and the guy's like you know in his fucking shoulder radio like uh yeah hold on a second he's like I ain't doing someone uh ran out a cab and I went we've been watching TV for like two hours and he's like yeah someone ran out of a cab and ran

in here and I was like I don't know and then I go knock on Pete's door and he opens the door and I was like hey did you run out of a cab and he goes I know what happened and then he goes outside turns out this motherfucker was FaceTiming and just didn't pay the cab and then just went into our apartment or he swiped

his card it didn't it didn't go and he swiped it and just swipes it and doesn't even check Because that's FaceTime energy. He was going like this. Oh, yeah, I know. All right, thanks, bro. And shut the door and the guy's like,

my friend, lope, my friend did don't pay. And then the guy, there was NYPD on our block so we went and got him. But, dude, I remember that opening, the window. And then you were like, I can't watch Family Guy anymore. After they left, you're like, I'm fucking freaking out. And I was like, the world are gone now. But yeah, dude, he would bring chaos into our apartment.

Yeah. But family guy would nice, would calm me to, because I'd be focused on the jokes or what I would calm me down. It's my joke from my HBO. special about you eating too many others. Oh, man, that was rough. But I remember playing PlayStation and being like, and the joke, I collapsed it a lot, but I remember eating that edible. I came back with California chocolates and you had been eating like little tutsies. You had been very careful. And I was like, you should have one of these half of one of these chocolates. And I ate a full chocolate.

It was 25 milligrams, which isn't crazy. But I gave him about 10 to 15. And then I'm like sitting there playing video games and I was playing WWE 2K18 and I specifically remember dude I was doing a match with like Seth Rawlins and like Seamus and I remember I was so high I was like yo this is a five star

banger I was like that's how high I was I was playing PlayStation I was like ooh this match this is a paper view and then I was like why am I so into this match and then I put the controller down and I was like I'm fucked up And then I looked up and you were just standing in the doorway of your room holding that gallon of water and you go, you gave me too much. And I did.

And you were like, I'm freaking the fuck out. You poisoned me. What was in it? What was in it? What was in it? Was it K2? What are the kids afraid of now? Something's in it.

And then what's funny is I put it on family guy. And no, you had to, you really had to talk me down. Because I was going to call an ambulance on myself. Oh, yeah. Because I was like, I got to a hospital. my brain is going crazy I'm going to get to a hospital You're going

Dude my brain's going nuts My fucking chest You're like I'm going to go to the hospital And I was like No man You're good You did it You did a very

You say in your special It's like you did a very fatherly like Yeah I go hey buddy Hey buddy you got to You just calm down Let's watch family guy Drink some water I go does water help it

Does water help it You drink A glass of water Halfway through an episode of Family Guy you were zonked out on the couch yeah i like wanted to put a blanket on him i want to be like there's my guy but you would fall asleep you would fall asleep high and i would try every night i would try to wake you up to go to bed and you would not wake up you would not wake up

and finally i was like you know because you don't when we first moved in to get it's like we didn't really know each other that well so i was like how far do i take this right where i shake him and go dan you got to go to bed it's like huh uh because i would get up and my eyes would be like dark red you know when you're like that high and you're sleeping when you're like I'm coming out of the mud dude it's so funny you say that because katie has the thing where when we first started dating i would do that i would like especially during the pandemic like she'd be in the other room playing PlayStation and i'd be watching tv and i'd just fucking crash out on the couch and then she'd wake me up and i'd be like blah like that and she'd be like okay i can't wake you up you're a live wire

It freaks me out because I'd be like, dad to sleep. And she's like, Dan, you want to go right? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now it's so funny. This happened last night. I was like watching Monday Night Raw and I fell asleep. And then she just comes in and she goes, hey. She'll talk to Myrtle.

Because Myrtle, Murdle always falls asleep at the foot of the, you know, when I'm like lay down on the couch, she'll lay next to the couch. And she'll go, hey, like she's talking to Myrtle. Hey, Myrtle, do you guys want to go to bed? And I'll be like, It's how she learned. She learned how to do it instead of going, hey, you want to go to bed?

I'm like, boh! I used to just freak the fuck out. She starts making all kinds of ancillary noise with her keys and stuff. Oh, chinglinglingling. Wind chimes? Dan, why do you have wind chimes in the kitchen?

To wake me from my, from my night nap. But can I say something about the window on next to the street? Shout out 31st Street. You can walk by it. If you want to go see the 2-5-5-5-Dojo, we can give away our address now. But the 2-5-5-5-5-5-0.

But the 2-5-5-5-5-5. The two-five-five-five boys on 31st Street? Yeah. What motherfucking problem? Two-five-five. You'd catch me when Caprice and Don Quixote or whatever that Dominican club was at 4 a.m. I used to smoke butts on my watch Greek white trash. I'd watch Euro trash fight Dominican trash.

Great. It would always be because of a girl. It'd always be because either like a Greek girl was dressed up and one of the Dominicans was like, or one of the Dominican girls was walking by and the Greek guys like, and then they'd be like, fuck, and dude. I'd be, I'd knock on the window, I'd be like, Vec, you should come out for this.

Because I'd be, you know, mid, I'd go back to back cigarettes. Yeah. Oh, take me back. We had box seats too. The window was right there on the street under the train. Do you remember when we,

um, when we opened the window and turned off all the lights when there was that like huge problem where the cops showed up. Oh, yeah. It was across the street and front of the cross fit. And we like, it was at night and we opened our blinds and turned off all our lights and just sat

there and watched it and we were like, oh, dude, this is getting fucking. real it was awesome remember the greek music store across the street that became the became the fucking um crossfit but the greek music store it's such a funny niche thing to have in our neighborhood we'd leave and go does anybody need anything from the greek music store does anybody want a fetta tambourine do you guys want yani live at the acropolis in blue ray i think i could find it over there but all they're selling so covid happens and my katie moves in and you move in with your kate

Jersey with my Katie. Okay, so we're there, but like Katie's not used to that window and things are getting nuts in society. It's a fish. Stuff is happening on the streets and stuff. You walk by that window, it's very long and it's eye level. So you're immediately like. Yes.

And you're, we're on the street, basically. Yeah, that was the joke. We're right on the sidewalk. And next to a mosque because that was the joke. That was the joke I had about the woman that I was stoned running late for the bonfire and I slammed the window. And I went, no, no. And she went like, like, no, no.

I meant no like I didn't mean to slam the window but that mosque they would get out and they would look at us like what the fuck are these guys but it's crazy but Katie was afraid because anarchy might break out or something she's like what if people come through this window it's right here we have no protections we barely have drapes they just can come through the window I go I don't know how to remedy this situation what do you want me to do board it up I don't know how to board it up they're not zombies also Anthony finding out you boarded up the front window would have been so funny hey Mike I went by 2555 what's up with the boards on the window I don't know if he would have even noticed it he was that aloof about he didn't give a shit about our apartment and it was so funny when we found out the hot girls on the third floor got a refrigerator like an hour after there's broke because they're crazy hot yeah Anthony my refrigerator broke and he goes I lifted one by myself up to the third floor walked up you're welcome you're beautiful i've never met it she was from um trinidad and tobago yeah handsome

pete handsome pete met them yeah handsome pete was all up in her best friend do you want to come up and party with us you want to come up for some drinks not you too but do you want to come up for not you to you stay down but do you want to come up do you remember how nate described us remember Nate you remember our friend nate he when he stayed on our couch on time do you remember that And he said, and Pete brought a girl home, and Nate goes, I mean, what does this girl tell her friends about this place? Dude, that was so funny. Nate goes, I don't know. You know that guy hooked up with?

Well, apparently he lives with a bridge troll and a former Mr. Pennsylvania, just hearing my voice in that window this room going, Hey, Pete. He's like, apparently he lives with a dragon under the bridge for clues in a former Mr. Pennsylvania. And then, dude, the thing that Nate had me laugh is one time he knocked. on Vecchio's door late at night and you unlocked it or whatever. And Nate goes, stops from my bedroom. He goes, what's up with all the locks on Veckeown's door? And then we did a thing.

We were like, hey, Mike, it's like, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. And then a shotgun barrel slides out. And you go, sorry, I thought you were bedbugs. Dude, that joke used to make Nate and I laugh every time we'd stay with her. Sorry, I thought you were bedbugs. No, but she was very paranoid. I'm like, I don't know, we got into a big argument about it. Really?

I don't know how to remedy it. I don't know. It's just there. She's like, It's just there. It's just there. The windows, like, do the windows even lock? Do they even, like, one of them did, one of them didn't.

Yeah, and it's like, that's kind of dangerous. One of them definitely did not lock. On the street, we have no protection. It's not like it's a floor up or anything like that. And I tried to comfort her. I'm like, look, no problem. Dan gave me a machete. It's in my room.

We'll just use it. If someone breaks in, it's on them. We'll just stab them. We'll take turn stabbing them. We'll take, I'll stab them a little bit. You stab them a little bit. I had a lot of weaponry. When I brought that to Kate,

that was a lose-lose situation because you didn't trust my collection of knives. Yeah. Your Katie didn't like it. No. So I come back to Queens, seven weeks into COVID, make a little survival bag

that include a machete. And another knife and an axe that does like a bunch of other stuff. And I brought it to Katie's to my Katie's. Swiss Army acts. And Hoboken, and she goes, okay, this makes me nervous. Dude, the funniest, fucking thing that just reminded me of this, this is years ago.

An ex-girlfriend of mine was staying at my apartment, right? Because she had a thing in the city the next day. And she was like, can I stay at your apartment? And I had to film billions crazy early. So I was like, yeah, I got to go to set. But like, you just stay at the house or whatever, like, Fecky Allen will be around. This is when it was just me and you. I was like, just hang out.

I'm on set, and she sends me a picture of the knife that I had next to my bed, and she went, okay, that made me nervous. And then she takes another picture of the axe in my fucking closet, and she goes, this is suss. Are you a serial killer? And I was like, no, I just have, I'm sorry, how are you protect your house? But I had to, like, talk her down via text. I'm like, no, I just fucking, whatever, I bought a fucking knife. Don't be gay about that.

I'll cut you up, bitch. I'll make you my next trophy. The axe and the machete are my two doorman. Hello? Dude, your doorman will get fucking mollywopped by mine. No. You think Eduardo wouldn't fucking,

I'll just do you. How's he going to do against an Albanian? Now that you didn't tell me. Now that's hedging my bed. And he's shredded too. God damn. He shredded. I think.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't want him to hurt. I like. Eddie. Yeah. You'd have to protect him. You'd have to step in. You'd have to throw the towel. I go, fight me. And you go, okay. And I go, I'm just kidding. What are you doing? I live in the building. You're crazy. You're like a building. You know, like I turn into a building pussy. What are you doing? I live in the building. Stop being mean to me. We don't know how it is here,

but in our building like we, you have to have every contractor register. They have to have proof of insurance. Oh, really? Yeah. And if they don't, you get in trouble. We got in trouble already we already got zinged for the we with the air conditioners because the air condition is not part of the building it's their window units so and they were like they we were wheeling them out and they were like you can't do that we had we got an email the next day and katy was like she's like we're pariahs now we can't even walk down there we hold our heads up i mean we're going to be out of the building i'm like katy let's i'll go talk to the guy the bank calls you he's like what are you doing hey mike what do you do with our place you got to clear you got to the contractors from me too

There's a bank, you know. No, no, no, no. I'm the owner. You live in my apartment. I was living in North Korea where I have to register everything. Is this your first door guy building? Yeah. It's weird.

It's a weird adjustment. It took me six months to not ask them if they wanted a coffee or a soda when I went out. They would look at me like, okay. I'd be like, I'm going to Dunkin. You guys want anything? And they're like, yeah. After a while, I was like, I meant it. I'd get them coffees and shit.

So there's a park outside. And it's a huge. huge building and there's a there's a park in the middle of the two buildings do they let dogs there no dogs in the park uh you can get dogs in the building but not if only if you own it if you rent i don't think you can have them okay so but i i said let me go ask those guys if i can run in the park oh they don't know about your psycho batman workouts they don't know they're going to find out that uh not rich bruce wayne is living in their building you want to know what badman was like he's a Billioner, Michael Anthony Vecione.

If he was a short, fat Italian. Still try a train? Dude, when I was watching the mass shooter in Midtown or whatever, Katie and I were talking about how all cops grab their bulletproof vests like this now, like football pads. Yeah. And I was like, for some reason, it made me think of your joke where you were saying you look like a Staten Island cop.

And not the nice type. I was too short to play linebacker in high school. And I got to take it out on him. Yeah, that was the line I thought of. Too short to play linebacker in high school. Now I'm going to take it out on everybody. Like the way they're holding their pads. I was like, oh, that's like fucking a joke.

But you were saying, you asked them if you could do one of your psycho workouts? I just was like, this would be perfect if I could train in the basement. And then after the workout, after the weights, I could run for 15 minutes in the park. There's enough room to run. And he goes, yeah, people do it all the time. I thought I was going to be a big, after the air conditioning thing, I'm like, they're real strict. But it's almost a good thing that they're real strict because then people just don't do whatever they want like our upstairs neighbors in the last place it's like just stomping i i knew

every move and it was a small asian girl what is that what is that stomping to the bathroom stomping back dropping stuff on the floor all hours of the night can i get racist for a second please can i can i get my racist not the two times two straight whites talking here she's not hurting anybody an elder millennial and a gen x really saying some stuff they shouldn't into a microphone you lived in your apartment and you talk about when you get breakfast and you talk about your neighbor stomping around right yeah very briefly you'd be like yeah it's like they're Asian and they stomp around when Nate lived in Queens he had those Chinese neighbors upstairs and I would stay at his house and it sounded like they were wearing like steel boots walking around yes and then you'd see him and they were like five foot two it's like how do you guys run along trees and fly through the air but also you can't walk in a queen's apartment without sound and like you are my 1,000 pound life? It's insane. And it got to the point where I'd knock on her door.

She'd be stomping and dropping stuff on the floor. And I would knock on her door and she wouldn't answer the door. I'm like, I know you're up there. Like you're doing it. It's happening. Yeah. And then go back down. And then I would just leave her a note.

And then she would respond to the note like a few days later or whatever. And I'm sorry I'll try to be more mindful. But she was never more mindful. She never was. It was. And then we're slaying in bed one night. It wakes us up. And Katie's like, what do you think it is?

Chinese drill team. Well, Katie was like, Stomp team. What do you think she's doing? And Katie goes, it's only fans. She's doing only fans. She's moving stuff, moving stuff, dropping props. She's, it's only fans.

And I go, I think it's fascism. That's funny. I think she's, the stomping is marching. She's building a weapon. She's practicing the goose step. She's learning how to salute a, giant painting of our leader. Yep.

That's what I think it is. But it isn't it weird because the owner of the apartment was Asian and she only rented to Asian people. We've been canceled. That seems fine, but it, that wouldn't work if it was a white. The People's Republic of China takes over this country. I'm going to, Mike and I are going to have to go through and wash all this out. Yeah.

This perfectly good podcast. Whitewash? Whoa. Even Joe Rogan couldn't get. Get that out of Mike Vecione. Dude, I, the special, first off, the special is awesome. Thank you, buddy.

People need to go watch it. Yeah. And Pimp was there. Pimp saw it. He made it. Pimp made it. Pimp saw it in Jersey first. I'm going to tell, that's what I'm going to ask for.

If you're a Vecione head like me, you want to see the stress factory tape. So comment below, release the stress factory tape. Put it down there, guys. Smash that like button. Hashtag release. not the Epstein files we want those released but we also want the stress factory tape released can I show you something what the Epstein files absolutely I have the I have the I have it on my phone that's so funny dude I have it on my phone it's gonna blow your mind

I'm like well there goes ocean's 11 for me he lives across the way from me whoa Epstein lives by then he didn't die he lives across the hall he just yeah I said the neighborhood he lives in because Vecchio wants to docks me on my podcast So I'll docks him right back. I pretend like it's an accident. I don't know how the internet works. I was trying to protect my friend. I didn't know.

I'll put us in such grave danger that we have to move in back together. Back to back. Back to back. Back to back. You know what comes in. Likely enemies become friends. Hashtag release the jersey tape or the stress factory tape. I want to see it because I know you ripped and you're very modest.

And Pimp came in and it was like, it fucking crushed. Yeah. It was the truth. Release the stress factory. tape. But Pimp did a great job on the official special. Go watch the official special. Yeah.

Give that. Nate Land. And shout out to Nate Land for doing it and putting the money up and producing it. Put in a word with Nate that we say hi. If one of them sees this, if one of his paid assistant sees this, please tell Nate, we miss them. We miss him coming and stand on our couch and queens. For real, go watch Mike Vecchio on special right here on YouTube. Or if you're listening to the podcast, go over to you.

YouTube and watch it, give him some clicks. He truly is one of the funniest human beings alive. He's one of my favorite comedians to watch. His joke writing is, you're like, one of the funniest people, you've made me laugh harder than anybody on this earth. I love you to death. You're like a brother. Go watch a special.

Thank you for listening to the podcast. I love you too, buddy. I just do ASMR at the end. Thank you.