Soder - Married in 4 Dates with Carmen Lynch | Soder Podcast | EP 13

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

This episode Dan is joined by comedian Carmen Lynch. Check out her new special here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxPGfnOg4Bs They talk about their parents love letters, falling in love without talking the same language, how her parents got married in 4 dates, Soder talks about a cringe love letter his Dad wrote an ex girlfriend, the importance of therapy, early days in stand up comedy, and being an only child in an alcoholic household. PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Boston | Feb 17 2024 FEB 22 & 23rd, 2024 - Cleveland,OH Thu, FEB 29, 2024 - San Antonio,TX Feb 22-24 Cleveland,OH Feb 29 San Antonio,TX MAR 1 & 2nd, 2024 - Comedy Mothership - Austin,TX March 8-9 Cincinnati,OH March 10 Lexington,KY March 28-30 Nashville,TN April 12-13 Omaha,NE April 19-21 Washington,DC May 31st - June 1 Columbus,OH Follow Carmen https://www.instagram.com/carmencomedian/?hl=en Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

are you how old were your grandparents did your grandparents live because i know you're my grandparents all died when i was in uh high school or elementary school perfect yeah i'm sorry yeah but also perfect why because they stay these like oh people. Mama and Pipa. It's Yaya and Yayo. Oh, wow. Are you Greek? That was what they said in Spain and Catalonia. They say Yaya and Yayo.

Oh, they do? I thought that was like, I thought Yaya was Greece. It might be both, but in Catalon, in Barcelona. You don't call her

your abuela? Abuela? No, because we didn't speak Spanish. They spoke mostly Catan oh i forgot that catalan is different than and then we called my sister and i called my american grandparents and they were like huh no it's grandpa jack and grandma mary so it would be like spanish would be like yeah yeah and then american side would be like yeah yeah and yeah yeah it just sounds

like you're making fun of them. Got a bunch of Yayos in here. He goes, I fought in Korea. Give me some goddamn respect. You're my Yayo. Hey, Yayos here. But them dying, I would honestly say,

highly recommend your grandparents die under the age of 15. To keep them special? Keep some... It's like it's like christmas never changed it's like it keeps santa alive forever when you're yeah yo it's like an old nice guy that you kind of you you know what you want your grandparents to die when you can barely remember seeing the blue veins in their hands but before they turn translucent like iguanas like old people in their 80s and 90s you don't want them you want them to die when they're like

just becoming old well that's what my i have this friend who says that about her parents because her parents died in her 20s yeah and mine are still alive and i'll complain about how they're aging they're ill they don't remember stuff i have to take care of them and she will be like well that's why I'm so glad mine are dead yeah there is um not enough people need to bring up and I think uh everyone with a dead parent young understands this yeah but we don't speak about it um there's a lot of benefits yeah I haven't had to worry about a Father's Day in 26 years. Does that day, like, strike you? Like, are you sad that day?

Sure did in 98 and 99. Yeah, but then you're over it. 2021? Yeah. Yeah, oh, it's Father's Day? I'm just trying to think about gay jokes to make on Twitter when everyone's posting pictures of their dad. Yeah.

I just want to talk about how I want to suck off their fathers. Do you feel more liberated? Because someone also told me like I feel even more free to do anything. And I'm like. There's there is. Listen, there's always a level of sadness with losing a parent, but there is

this like. And I'm not I'm not wanting mine to die. I'm just saying. Sounds kind of like your heart. This kind of sounds like you're wishing good wishing good i'm just wondering what the next chapter is going to be like it is there's like the sadness and the grief yada yada yada when you go through it young you have so much time to deal with it yeah that i think it like um now i can look at it this crass yeah i'd be like no it's a benefit like christmas there's only one gifts for one parent yeah yeah i mean now i got the in-laws but i'm like you know growing up you're like all right take care of mom at christmas throw grandma some flowers send her a poinsettia done but

grandparents when they die when you're young, they do stay. Watching my grandmother get to 96 has been horrible. And it's, I wish she would have died 20 years ago. Wait, is she still alive? Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah.

Not good. But if she would have died 20 years ago when I was 20, oh, my sweet Nana. Love gin rummy. If she's not a sweet man no now you're like you're old annoying nana no now it's sad now it's turned into like for the love of god take her to your god take her into your kingdom like there's a lot of like there's a lot of like, let her in, Lord. Because it's so sad. When you get, listen, she had her facilities up until about a year and a half ago. Once those start going, you're like, oh, this is, it's like looking after a plate of Jell-O. It's just like soft and worrisome.

And you're just like, no. Back to the Spanish stuff. Okay. So your mom teaches you and your sister how to speak spanish yes and my dad teaches us how to speak english they just can't really speak to each other would they were they never was your mom ever fluent in english no i mean she is now a million years later but she and my dad met and they married after four dates so they barely spoke where did they they meet? In Barcelona. Damn.

I know it was romantic. Was he visiting? He was in the military on a boat on one of those military ships. And I just did my Spanish special in the bar where they met. Really? Yes, it's still there.

Is it up on YouTube? That one's on a Spanish streamer. I love that. That's a smart idea. But I'm going to put it on YouTube because I want to get the Latinos. Yeah. I want my Latinos to check it out. on youtube that one's in spanish on a spanish streamer i love that that's what i'm gonna put on youtube because i want i want to get the latinos yeah i want my latinos to check it out yeah you got to have people that speak spanish because that's an that's a really cool concept thank you to do it at the bar yes also you're like um your parents story was like i feel like one of those made-up military stories where it was like, well, I was in the Navy and I went and I saw a beautiful Spanish woman who I

couldn't speak to. She's like, what? It's so funny to think their dates were like, what? Pointing. Is this. Comida.

Food. We always do this with food. Like they're fucking apes. Food. But then my mom was with her spanish friend who did speak english so there was a translator there was a translator there was a matchmaker there was a matchmaker he says she says why you should give me money and he goes well that's fair i am absolutely one of those whites that'll just believe anything someone goes like he says

do this and i go well of course yeah of course you should so you they met in this bar while your dad was what just docked just uh docked with all the military guys in his uniform so she it was literally west side story was he in the Navy? The Navy. That white uniform. Yes. It's a clean uniform. Yeah, that's pretty hot. They come in looking, you know. Yeah.

Looking like little butlers, little sea butlers that'll destroy you with a missile. But like more of like the nerdy intellectual type. Yeah. Out of all the uniforms, the Navy looks like it's like, oh, because it's white. You're like, you don't want to get dirty. Yeah. Like, you know, you got the Marines there in the tan or like the little. No, no. These guys were kind of the intellectual.

So he shows up in, and this is in Barcelona. In Barcelona. Barcelona. Barcelona. Where, and they meet in this bar. Yes. And then he's like, you want to come back to the States? He's like talking to her.

She's like, not a bad girl. She doesn't do things. She's Catholic. She's Catholic. And he is too. Oh, so they got to go ask for a saint's blessing. What's the saint? What is the saint in the Catholic religion of taking a lady from her homeland?

I don't know. There is one. Saint Vincenzo. He's like, Saint Vincenzo is the displacement saint there must be a saint but they went out and she met him again he said would you like to come to the party on the ship and she's like i'm not that kind of girl so she said no she said no and what was it like a ship dance it was like a ship thing i always love that there's an idea that they're having a dance next to a whole fleet of missiles and we're like they're like yeah yeah we're gonna someone's

country's not gonna be around next week you want to see my missile yeah do you want to you want to dance to some beatles yeah no but she she was very like uh-uh you don't mess with me i don't don't don't take advantage of me yeah thing and your dad's from western new york he's from upstate new york okay myra okay a very small town both very small towns because yeah so your mom was from not from barcelona from barcelona very small town outside of barcelona okay and then in about a year and a half they went out four times so i would say like well how does that work how do they go out four times in a year? She's still in Barcelona.

She's still in Barcelona. So he's like nice to meet you. No, he's like back on my ship. Goodbye. And then his ship comes back in like three months. Oh, and he's just like,

they write each other letters, but like letters. And I'm sorry to be disrespectful. Tell me, but this is a genuine question. Yes. Is it not insane that there is a moment in time where guys were jerking off to letters like where a guy would get a letter because that's why

they always do the perfume thing when they go like oh it smells like a perfume but you're you're jacking it to the letter right but also you're jacking it to a letter you're like just jerking off the reading that doesn't have words because they don't talk to each other in size and stick figures? Yeah, what is it? Drawings? Why?

You're jacking the drawings. How do they communicate? Where is that? What is that, Jack, Jack, Jack? So this is what I want to do to you. It's like this diagram.

What if you suck at drawing, though? How did they communicate via letter? I mean, I've asked this, this is a million letter i mean i've asked this this is a million dollar question i've asked this question a million times my parents live in virginia there is a storage facility still married there's a storage facility with those letters i would say

i'm not allowed to read them really so i have to wait if you know what i mean i have to wait oh i know i just and i'm going straight to the storage facility. Okay. I'm so glad you brought this up. This just reminded me of something. Right. I'm calling Martin Scorsese and he's making a movie. Yeah.

I mean, I think you're gonna have to call the guy that did the notebook unless one of your parents is going to kill Scorsese. Yeah. It tends to go violent. It'll be a three hour movie with Leonardo DiCaprio as my dad. Still might want to do that. Um,

there is nothing better than going through embarrassing shit of your parents after they're dead. Yeah. Because you know if there is an afterlife that they're on the other side of the window being like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't understand what I was going through. Yes. My grandmother broke her hip. She's in a facility. My cousin and I went to her townhouse and we're going through stuff.

I have a new joke about it because we found something insane that I talk about on stage. But we also went through like, my grandmother kept everything. Pictures, birthday cards, everything. My dad married his high school sweetheart. Wow. Had a baby. That was my sister, my half sister, right? And then they got divorced.

And then years later, my dad met my mom. So there was years, seven, eight years before my dad and my mom met. That he was just a guy. We're going through stuff. And my cousin's like, i found a letter your dad wrote your grandma and i was like well let me read it and you because there were no emails there were no nothing this was correspondence so i'm reading it and this is after my by the way

i'm friends with my mom my sister's mom okay she came out to the Portland show. She was like, she's great, Billy rules. And I love her son, Don, who is my sister's other half brother. We're not related. But I'm cool with that whole family. I would say I'm cooler with Billy and Don than I am with my own dad's fam, outside of my cousin. Like my dad's family wasn't good.

So I'm reading this letter and this is like a year after he's left her they've divorced yeah i got to read a letter where my dad was pussy whipped by another woman and it was the funniest thing i've ever read in my life because he was like because i've been that way and now that i'm 40 i can like read something of his and be like dude you were a 23 year old pussy whipped kid but also is the language different is it like leave it to beaverish

yes because what he's saying is he's not like oh the dome is unbelievable he's not like oh I hit it from the back and it just makes me rethink life he's not talking like that he's he keeps saying I wish I want to text my cousin Lisa because she knows the name because we were making fun of it on the drive home.

Because I would randomly make fun of my dad on the drive home by being, I think, I want to say her name was Charlotte or like something like Sharon or something. But he's like, oh mom, I know what love is now. And he told his mom. Yeah, he's like, I know what love is because of Charlotte. She's shown me. She's shown me who I am and what I could be. And I'm like, you're 23.

I'm looking at the time. Right. You're pussy whipped. This is just rebound pussy. Yes. You're talking, you're drunk on rebound pussy. And you're acting like it's this life lesson where he goes, oh, but she's shown me he had this

line one time and i just know this because one time i dated a girl years ago when jay and i first started the bonfire i dated a girl and i was so high on her that i went to the bonfire and i said this sentence and jay will confirm it i went she's so good at telling stories and jay was smoking he goes oh my god he was smoking he, I bet she's not. That's how he reacted. He goes, I bet she's not. And I caught that moment.

And I was like, I, that moment was so solidified for me. Cause I knew I was whipped. Right. That reading my dad's language. I'm like, he's whipped. But he said at one point he goes,

you know, sometimes Charlotte will tell me things. And even though it makes me mad i know she's right and i know it's to make me better i was like yeah you need to find the letters like a year and a half later he's like that crazy bitch that crazy bitch was hiding under my bed yeah it's all stuff like that stories suck oh my god oh you need to do this i don't need to do this shut the fuck up charlotte uh but it was it was funny seeing your parents like that stories suck oh my god oh you need to do this i don't need to do this shut the fuck up charlotte uh but it was it was funny seeing your parents like that so when your parents die

you get to unlock the mystery i gotta unlock the mystery i gotta find the box with the letters and they never talk about those letters with my sister and i but then my nieces that's the next generation so they're more open to the grandkids they're probably also your sister's kids they're probably fairy-taling it like now that it's a little more distance you can kind of give it more of like an urban legend like oh you're your grandpa and i love each other so you know like in a way we're like he i was promised to another man but he i love your spanish yeah but he kept turning his ship around and you're like he jumped off the side of the ship they could lie they could straight up lie yeah you know when they do movies based on true

stories and it's always fucking wild yeah that's what they're doing to your to your niece well it's funny because my niece goes where are these letters and my mom's like they're in a storage facility you know on the second floor or whatever and i was like thanks for telling me gotcha ask her more questions because she won't tell me ask her what the split is when she dies can we get some numbers on paper here but you're right about the fantasy because i grew up thinking like, no joke. This is not even a joke. Is that you could date someone four times and fall in love.

Not at all. And I was like, I believed it. I was like, oh my God, if I'm with you for like six months, you're the wrong guy. They're also like that generation, the boomer generation. It's different because like they didn't know about therapy. They didn't know that you could actually chase your dreams. Totally. Because when you talk to them, they go like, why?

When I was a kid, my parents said I could do whatever I wanted. I could be president. That's always the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one could ever be like, you know, you can be a talk show host. You know, you can be this. Where like now everyone is like, you can be an influencer. Totally. It's like the reverse of what our parents grew up well even in spain my mom was like you

either had to be a nurse a teacher or what was the third thing a social worker yeah those are all brazzers things now those are all just things on porn we're like you can be a lady that's stuck in a child's home you can be a lady that's stuck in a dryer's home. You can be a lady that's stuck in a dryer. It's all stuck porn. You can be a stepsister to a really hot guy. You guys can't touch each other, but your parents are gone. And it's a wet and wild weekend. But you're right.

They had like three options. That's all they had. That they had three options. I think, and this is me trying to be positive devil, angels advocate advocate not a devil's advocate maybe your mom's friend would read the letters in english to your mom and then maybe she would translate the spanish for your mom maybe could be i think those letters are going to show how big of a part your mom's friend that spoke english was does she address her by name does she ever say who that friend was there have been mixed stories that it was one of her sisters or that it was just a friend because yeah that's a massive part that's if you don't speak spanish and she doesn't speak

english yeah that's a massive thing that someone needs to bridge. Right. So it's either your aunt who made the whole thing happen. Right. Or it's a friend who maybe added some sentences, added, zhuzhed it up a little in English or Spanish,

gave it some flair to make your dad look better or your mom look better. But what made the relationship last a year and a half where the fourth time he's like, I'm coming with a time he's like i'm coming with a ring damn i'm coming with a ring and we're getting married in spain in spain and then i'm taking

this woman with me how much preparation did she have knowing because he's nobody gonna take her on the uss minneapolis like what the? You can't just like stow away her. They're like, she, I mean, like, you know, private Lynch,

who the hell is this Spanish woman? And she's like, this my love. That was hard for my mom's parents. Who, who the hell are you going with? With a, on an aircraft carrier.

There's plenty of Spanish hombres here. Got a lot of hombres. You got to take this tall, mysterious man. Yeah, they're probably mad if she would have moved to the Canary Islands. They're like, that's crazy far away. And he's like, no, no, no. We're going across the Atlantic. We're going to Georgia.

Georgia. We're going to Georgia. Was that where you were born? My sister. Okay. And then they moved again. California. And then it was me.

You got the California energy. I got California. Where were you born in California? Monterey. Hey, all right. Shout out. That's enough of the Bay Area. You can rep the Niners if you wanted to.

Yeah, I mean, if I cared. Go Niners. Bang, bang, Niner gang. You could tell it's playoff season. Everything is about the 49ers. I'm all, and then the 49ers are pretty awesome. So you're, so when you're, so that story is he came back with the ring on the fourth date got married and you know they didn't sext or send nudes nothing no it's crazy you're gonna bet bet on the you're

gonna bet the farm on a letter from a lady that doesn't even speak the language that doesn't speak the language how hot was your mom when she was young i mean i'll show you a picture she's pretty hot and she it's crazy the sea is lonely and your mom must have been smoking hot that guy's staring out at seagulls and the thing of a spanish lady but then also doesn't a guy kind of like a lady who's like yes yeah absolutely okay why do you think so many men are into japanese women that are just docile and submissive yeah there's guys out there there's there are guys out there that love that shit yeah and then there's guys like me that grew up where you're like you know you want that with a woman you're like oh sometimes the way you talk your shit

there is that spanish temper There's a Spanish passion. Yeah. That's. Yeah. I think that's. Your parents are leaving out convenient things. Oh, yeah. And I think you just hit it.

The passion. There had to have been something. A kiss. You know. Something that like your dad was like, I'm fucking going back there. And I'm marrying her. I'm getting that lady. And I'm bringing her.

How big was your mom's family in spain pretty big she's one of six that's nuts yeah so for them brothers three brothers older uh a couple older a couple younger yeah you gotta be that's that's scary yeah because you're going in that's a big family from a rural place in a foreign country. And you're taking their hottest commodity. Right. To Georgia. Well, here's the other thing. My mom met my dad, you know, through these military, like through this ship.

Right. So she met the other guys as well. Damn. It was like The Bachelor. So they were all telling her, including the captain, my mom's, my dad's boss, that Mike's a good man. That's a good. So she's getting references. She's getting references.'s a good man that's okay she's getting references she's getting

references in a language she doesn't understand she keeps going oh see see or no see or see you know uh like what the things are telling her now if she would have known english she would have been like i don't know he's like he you know what he never hits a woman in the face and that's a good thing when he punishes a woman it's a gut punch like a good man. Unless she's carrying his child. In which case, it's a back slap to let her know

not to do that again. And she's like, si. Esta bien? Esta bien? Oh, si. But anyway, so when I started dating,

my mom had no concept of what it was like to date. She goes, where's your man on the ship? Because it was like, exactly. It was like given to her on a platter.

Dude, that's wild. That tells me your mom was top three percentile hot of the people she hung out with because the rules for hots do not apply to us regular folks. And what I mean is that's a four date marry. You're still married. She was the hottest commodity. And your dad was the best guy.

I mean, when I look at them. Someone Don King that. Someone was like, he's extrubious. He's traveled versus the hottest woman that Spain has ever seen. There has never been a fire. What's your mom's name? Montserrat. All right.

That's so Spanish. I can't even repeat that. Montserrat. that i mean he was your dad was watching the sun go down over the ocean going holding a letter to his chest going like i mean he was that's your mom was so hot i'm gonna show you pictures yeah i believe it but anyway so when i started dating my mom, can't you date someone with references? I'm not kidding. Who know this man to make sure he's a good man.

I go, we can't all meet commanders on a ship. Your dad was a commander? I mean, eventually. Okay. So he was on his way on the up and up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So some of those soldiers were talking so they can get some extra, you know, fucking R&R and stuff. I think some of those people were greasing the wheels with your dad being

like, Hey, Spanish lady, Mike's great. I want to spend a little more leave time here in Spain. Like to your dad, they go, come on,

dude, I got you the hottest girl in the bar. Let me go get hammered. Let me go to Portugal. I want to watch bulls kill a guy. Um, this is great for the movie. I mean,

this is unbelievable. I'm, I'm blown away by old school because it lasted i hope you're enjoying the episode february 17th i am at the wilbur in boston there are two shows first show sold out second show tickets are available dan soda.com and then cleveland hilarities february 22nd through the 24th. All at Dancer.com. Let's get back to that episode. What a barn burner. If your parents would have been divorced,

my parents broke up when I was five. Yeah. Big deal. But I mean, okay, besides love, you got to remember Catholics till death do us part. I mean, like I said, my mom was raised Irish Catholic and then she got married in college and it didn't work out.

And it was a very, from how she tells me, very adult, hey, this didn't work. Yeah. By Rick, by Trish. They went their own way. But my mom was Catholic. She was excommunicated. Yeah. So she was done in the Catholic religion.

Oh, right. That's why I'm Episcopalian. Because it literally is Catholicism with divorce. Right. That's all it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The King of England was like, I want to get divorced, but I'm Catholic, so I'll make up a new religion. Episcopalians, baby.

That's why we're here. Right, right. So when you start dating, your mom's just expecting a guy in a crisp military suit to write you letters all the time and shit. She thinks it's going to happen just like that. I went about a year without talking to them. I went about a year without.

And then I wrote my parents a letter. In Spanish that your dad couldn't read. You're like, this is for one of you. And I said, that's when I said, I'm in therapy. I can't talk to you. You're ruining my life right now. And my mom, that's when my my mom wrote back don't you ever tell us to try therapy wow don't you ever try to tell us and my dad tried to fix me by saying let's

do group therapy so we can and i was like you but if you need therapy you go shout out to your dad though for at least trying to get some involvement in the therapy. But he wanted to fix, you know, so. But I think old marriages like that are held together because there is no therapy. I would absolutely agree. I think the ones that went the distance, there's a reason. They didn't go to a couple's therapist. Are you kidding? If they went now, things would break.

That's what I mean. It's brittle. It's brittle. Yeah. But what finally happened is that i did military tours and my dad was like we're fine now really that totally made him realize your penance you're going to iraq to perform for the troops did you start in new york yes people don't realize this the special queef week is out on YouTube right now.

You are- On Mark Norman's channel. On Mark Norman's channel. Comedy. You are one of those people that I've always been like is so consistently funny. And your jokes are always so well constructed. And then you talk to you and you're like, oh yeah, you've been through it all. Like there's people that are good in comedy that get good quick and they don't necessarily have to learn how to write jokes because they're kind of like i'm a personality this is what i do

but then you see people where you're like they've been in the game a while and they've gotten really good at the it's like when they talk about fundamentals on an athlete where they're like their fundamentals are off the charts there's a very small group of people that i would say that you can watch and go like they're fun we just had chad daniels on the podcast chad daniels is one of those guys where you're like the fundamentals are so out of control on you that everything you do outside of that is just extra because your jokes are so good but like when i watched queef week i was like all these bits are so good because they're just like you're writing jokes and i love that shit but you could tell you're from that you came up in new york oh you can yeah because you can like

because i can i i did two years in tucson but i had to completely restart when i moved here yeah because i was like oh my god everyone's got like joke jokes like they've got jokes yeah like everything has a purpose. Well, I didn't know I was going to do standup. I moved to New York to pursue acting. And then I fell into standup. And I was like, oh my God, what's this? And then just fell in love with the idea of a joke.

So you didn't have any, you didn't have preconceived notion of coming here to do standup? No, I didn't even follow comedians. People were like Lenny Bruce. And I was like, who's that? Oh, really? I was one of those open mic nerds that would have gotten so mad.

I'd have been like, you mean you don't even know Bill Hicks' rant in E minor? And you'd be like, no. And I'd be like, what about Nick Swartzen's first Comedy Central Presents? And you never saw it. I'd be like, ugh. But that made me feel so behind. And let me tell you right now, as one of those guys, I'm sorry. Because I didn't realize how lame I was being.

Because when you're a big comedy nerd and you get into comedy, you care too much. But I was so jealous of every comic I met in New York was like, yeah, my dad used to listen to George Carlin records. And I'm like, I could ask my dad right now who George Carlin was. And he would be confused. What was your entertainment in the house? Spanish music. That's so funny.

You go, I like the B guy. Julio Iglesias and 60 Minutes. That's so funny. I mean, it was not comedy. I'm sorry. I'm a morally safer girl. I like a good, give me a breakdown from andy rooney at the end yes all your stand-up goes you know what i don't like doors why are they there but there

wasn't there was no comedy at all no it was uh we we would watch stand uh saturday night live standard standard everyone did but um but even when I saw like Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond and Bill Cosby, I didn't know he was a comedian when I watched the Huxtables. You just thought he was a good dad? I thought he was a good dad. I didn't know that much, but I knew that Seinfeld was, but only because he would have those clips. He'd do standup at the beginning and the end.

Yeah. And that was the whole- But then when I moved to New York- That made me want to move to New York. This is the most embarrassing thing that i can say about stand-up i came to new york and one of my friends who is not a comic whoever i lived like a friend of a friend sure she's like let's go see a comedy show and i was like what's that and i went to a stand-up show and i was only here for acting so i knew what performing was sure But I watched and I wish I remembered who was on the show.

I know it was New York Comedy Club back when Al owned it. Let me tell you right now what Emilio did to that club. Yeah. What it used to be. Oh. It was a fight club. Oh, it was? It was a fight club for words.

You're like, I'm going to go in here and I know I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me. And there'd be like a rat running across the stage. But I might get a good punch off. But you'll get a good... If I can hit someone hard, I know I'm going to get hit hard. And there was that tiny room that was like a bathroom where they performed. That was my first set in New York was if you did the open mic at New York Comedy Club and you did well enough, you got to do a guest spot on the latino show with that side

room with the mirror in front of you and all you could look to was the sides i remember that clear as day but i went to a show on 24th street um so we're talking 20 years ago yeah and i watched whoever was on stage and i was like totally did not know they wrote jokes i thought that they talked they just talk like that. Now, don't feel bad about that. Really? I loved comedy my whole life. I understood that there were jokes.

I knew what jokes were, but there was a part of my brain. I started stand up. My first time on Mike, I was like 20 or 21. Yeah. I thought you really went up there and just ranted. Yeah. I thought you went up there and were like, oh, this is how i'm feeling this is what i i really thought when someone went this happened to me on the way here my dumb ass for the longest time thought something happened

to him on the way there but that's and i saw i truly did i was the same i was like damn this guy had a day and i was, how can you be so funny? Are you're like this 24 seven. And then I was jealous. I was like, fuck you. What? What?

I was so jealous. It was kind of like seeing a supermodel. Like, you know, you would just see a model on a train and be like, fuck you. Like you probably get up and look like that. Yeah.

You don't realize that she's had her finger down her throat since six in the morning, getting out last night's dinner. And then she can't fucking. But you know when you just think God gave you something on a platter? Yeah, for sure. I thought that about comics. I was like, oh, you're just funny. I think a lot of people.

You're just funny. You know, I think one of the first people that really dispelled that myth or like got rid of that myth was Michael Jordan. Because when Michael Jordan was popular, when I was growing up, Michael Jordan was the man and he was playing. And everyone was like, he's God's gift to popular, when I was growing up, Michael Jordan was the man and he was playing and everyone was like, he's God's gift to basketball, which he was, but not until later, until he retired.

And, you know, he was pretty vocal about it while he was playing, but it really set, it really got set in stone that he was like, yeah, I was, I worked harder than everybody. Yeah. I just went nonstop and I was the the first to first show up last leaf.

That kind of like mentality, it wasn't as forefront as it is now. Like everyone knows like that guy probably works his ass off. That guy's probably constantly doing that. But when we were younger and growing up, there was this like, Oh, that's just a God given ability.

Right. And you're just like blessed and you can, and it's no effort. No. And also like, you know, if you watch everyone like michael jordan is or the the british soccer player i just saw his documentary beckham yeah or even like this the william sisters yeah like they all had like a parent who was like get your fucking ass outside you're doing this again like i grew up with like you don't like tennis we'll try swimming yeah i mean you don't get anywhere my mom was like this what i go i suck at this she goes okay fine i want to play baseball yeah so is that what okay i'm bankrupt and trying to keep us in a hole

and i'm like i don't like baseball she's like yeah fucking who cares who cares who cares it really is like you know uh there's something about people that are so good at something that they make it look effortless. Yeah. You really question if it does more good than bad. Because you're like, yeah, there's a lot of us that are suicidal because it looks so easy. I watch Nate Bargetti do stand up. Yeah.

And I go like, you just woke up and came up with that bit. And he's like, no, I ran that. Like he builds it, but he builds it in a way that looks effortless. But he looks like he never sucks. I know.

And I don't know if he really, I've watched. I mean, you remember the world at, at Broadway? Oh my God. Yes. Trust me.

I watched him. We all watched each other have bad ones in that room where you're like there's nothing you can do this is a black hole of momentum good luck but i loved that room because you could do anything anything i tried playing the piano one night really i was bombing so hard for all those tourists from times square i was like i'm gonna i'm gonna let's see if i'm a piano. That's how much they had me doubting myself. There was a piano on the side. I go, fuck it.

I'm going to try to play the piano. First and last piano act. I was like, nope, not happening. Something from the special that I've wanted, because I'm like the opposite of you in this case where you have a joke about your boyfriend's son and about how he doesn't like you and how you guys play world of warcraft i have done countless jokes about my mom dating my mom's boyfriends i've done jokes about girls i've dated it's never breached the subject of someone i love's kid did you tell the kid you were doing jokes about? No. Has he seen them?

No. You sure? I told my boyfriend, because I did jokes about him on the Tonight Show. Yeah. And my boyfriend did this like blast to his family, like a text blast to his family. A warning?

He Paul revered him? He was like, he's like- The jokes are coming. The jokes are coming. He's like, Carmen's on the Tonight Show tonight. Don't worry. I was like, why did you do that? Yeah, Jimmy Fallimmy found laughs at everything don't worry he doesn't even mean it i was like what if he watches it and they're not like i don't think they're like super mean

no right but they are like here's the thing is they are honest and there is and when you're honest it's uncomfortable sometimes yeah i'm just hoping he never sees them. He will. He will one day. He knows what you do, right? He does, but we never talk about it. 14-year-old. He's 14.

He's grown up on the internet. Yeah. He's going to find it. He's probably watching this. What's up, dude? Do good in school. We just went to Disney World and had a great time. So whatever happened on my special, please forgive me.

Do you remember? Do you remember by the long ride where I said you're a really cool kid and you were like, hey, I'm really glad my dad found you. Fucking keep that energy, kid. Keep that energy when you watch Queef Week. In all honesty, I adore him. I really do. And I understand that divorce, that only single kids.

Yeah, I'm an only child of divorce. We call ourselves OCs. O'm an only child. Only child. We call ourselves OCs. OCs. Only children. Only children. I have like an extra, like it hurts my soul that they don't have a sibling. Well, I got, so my, I had a half sister. It was my dad's from the first marriage.

Right. But I was one through 10 completely alone. Had heard rumors of her, heard whispers. Yeah. But finally my mom was like, your sister's got to be in your life like you have a half sister we and immediately you're like oh this is why having a sibling's awesome right because you you go like hey they're nuts and they go yeah they're not they have someone to share with yeah my therapist called it confirming your reality you have someone there to confirm your reality to be like hey mom coming home drunk that sucks right and they're like but when you're an only child you go like you do it in the mirror yeah well you all i started

making drinks for her i was trying to find ways to jump the route i was trying to find ways to be like yeah i um she's nuts when she walks in i don't want to fucking deal with this how if i have a drink for her and i go up to my room and leave everyone alone and let them decompress i won't be you're like as an only child especially if you have a parent that drinks too much you kind of find this way of like how do i take myself out of danger how do i take myself out of any like that and when you're an only, you're very creative because your brain is unchecked. There's no governor. There's no brother or sister there to be like, you're fucking weird.

You just be weird. You came out so normal. Sure. I mean, pretty sane. Sure. Only child. I mean,

I had a, you know, I've got addictions. I've got a lot of shit. That's not, I spent, I've been in therapy for 12 or 13 years now and that's why i say it's mandatory oh yeah if that if that would have gone unchecked i don't

we wouldn't be sitting here right now i know we wouldn't be sitting here right now but the other thing about about being an only child is selfishly i spend less time with my boyfriend because he's got to spend time with his kids so if there was another kid we could be like you two go play oh absolutely you know while we hang out and i understand that because you're kind of like but that's also your that means you've picked a good man because there's a lot of only children whose dad's girlfriends are like yeah fuck that kid and the dad's like right man yeah he's like charlotte really showed me that pussy above family. Oh, mom, I can't wait for you to meet her the way she. Wait, do you still have those letters? Yeah, it's at my grandma's.

I'll get it. I'll have you back on and we'll read letters to each other. Please, I got to find the letters. You know what? I felt embarrassed for my dad. But then after me and Lisa, my cousin, were making jokes on the drive home, being like, oh, if Charlotte was here, I got to find her the news. Because, dude, it is. It's embarrassing oh my god it's like our our the the generation after us i'm we're not having kids so

i don't have to worry about this but like my friends kids are gonna be able to access their emails they're like set oh yeah they're gonna find sex they're gonna find like crazy shit yeah no way no thanks i'm glad that no kids here yeah you don't want to find imagine if you would have found like imagine this is 50 years from now and you find your dad's snapchat to your mom she's like kanda it's just him being like like him naked in the boat that would never happen my dad would never he's, hey, I got a cruise missile for you. And it's like him naked on his ship. I know everyone thinks a military man is like that, but I can definitely say.

You're telling me they're on a ship? My father is not. Mike was a horny boy. Mike would not show his missile to Montserrat. He absolutely did. He showed his tomahawk. He let him know. He let him know. Dude, I'm telling you right now here's the thing and i would i think every guy in the military is horny

i think the level of navy horny is more because he was on a submarine for a long time i mean trapped trapped and he's tall like how hard is that to be on a submarine? What are you, 6'2"? You were 6'2". I was 6'3", yeah. Okay, so picture yourself in a submarine. And my hips are hurting. And you gotta jerk it?

But if I had that sweet Spanish peach, my little Catalonia bag. Hola, señorita. Soy Montserrat. Oh, my God. Es que a mi guez. They were letting him

out of that iron tube and he was just cranking it to your mom. To a letter. A letter he didn't even understand. He's like, fuck out of here. It's pictures. I don't even fucking know what this means. God damn, all these squiggly lines are going to make me blow.

That's so romantic. Our next hallmark. Yeah, dude, that's so fucking fucking funny i'm so intrigued by your parents falling in love without being able to communicate it's crazy caveman love they have legit caveman love and they're like and he never learned i mean he can understand it now so when you guys are talking shit about him now he could probably understand so my sister and i use code we'll like break words into like half words like does your mom know if you and your sister are doing that or your mom like don't talk about your dad like they're too

old to like understand you know when they're just too tired yeah yeah past 73 yeah i really think that's the age well they're 80 they don't't. Past, post 73, they're zapped. Yeah. My mom just wants to do what needs to be done and sit down and have a drink. That's all they care about is Advil and their meds and Fox News. Sitting down and making this noise. They just want to sit down and go like, fuck, I'm old. Yeah.

But I get it. But that's fucking crazy. That's very interesting. I've never met someone whose parents could not communicate and how long have they been together like what is it it's been 50 over 50 years yeah that's massive yeah it's a long ass time when your parents are married that long this is just coming from an oc yeah cod child of divorce i'm an oco your dad will know with all these acronyms because of the military background i'm an oc cod you do you or your sister feel pressure

to have a relationship that lasts that long that's what i'm saying yeah it was it was pressure to find true love because i did think that this was like Cinderella. Like I believed Cinderella. Well, and the way they tell it to you, when your parents are telling you that, you think this is just how everything is. And then you hear your friends go, your parents did what? Yeah. That's so romantic. And then you go as a little girl go, it is.

Yeah, it's a fairy tale. I got to find me a guy like that. Yeah. My fairy tale when I was a kid, I was like, wow, so every kid gets to pick which parent they want to live with in court? I get to go.

But see, there is something really cool about having two Christmases. If both parents are in your life, it is. Yeah. People keep bringing up two Christmases. The whole point of two Christmases is both parents have to be active in your life. That's true.

If one is not talking to you, there ain't no Christmas. It's another missed holiday. Yeah. No, but I did think that it was easy to fall in love and quickly because of what I had heard about them. Have you been married before? No. Okay. That was going to be a question. I went the opposite way. Have you been married before? No. Okay. That was going to be a question.

I went the opposite way. I was like, I don't want to get married. Because I wonder, I think a lot of people in that situation would be like rushing to a marriage and be like, no, then it just works. You just work it out. Well, the weird thing is my sister. Now work it out. My sister did exactly what my parents did. So she met a guy overseas. instead of like a spanish woman an

american guy just a russian that can't speak english she's like and she goes come to america but she did the same thing fell in love with a spanish guy really but now the difference is my sister was fluent in both languages there's's email, there's flights all the time. Yeah. So my mother freaked out when my sister did it. She didn't like it? No. Really?

She's like- Even her own countrymen. She goes, do you know what you're getting yourself into? Spanish men are tenacious lovers. And I go, mom, tell us. What happened? What, it wasn't a fairy tale after all? Tell us.

Oh, she goes, the spanish men they pinch your butt and you need to run away she's like it's the hardest thing you'll ever do you will never see your family again that's what i mean with when you get to those letters you're gonna see some real shit because your parents what we were talking about with our parents being older they hold stuff down yeah your mom had to leave her home her home with a guy she barely knew with mike and she said i'm lucky it worked out it could have been really bad carmen and i was like which means there were trials and tribulations but your mom made it happen god the grit of that generation we would lose a world war yeah our generation would absolutely lose a world war yeah our generation

would absolutely lose a world if if china and iran if it if it turns up to be world war three us versus them we're gonna get fucking rolled because we're gonna be like but i feel like you guys are being mean and back then they're like so you must go with this man on his navy ship to america and then just make it work okay but you But you had to like, what is a nurse going to do? Like. And it worked out. And it worked out. You know, they got two kids out of it.

One of them's a comedian. They learned about that real quick. And then the other one left as quickly as she possibly could. Got a Spanish man. With a Spanish man. And now she's going through, I can't believe I can't see mom and dad a lot. I feel guilty. Is she in Spain?

Oh yeah. She married my same. It literally was the same thing. Wait, really? So she went over there. through i can't believe i can't see mom and dad a lot i feel guilty is she in spain oh yeah she married my same it literally was the same thing wait really so she went over there she went over there it was exactly the same story but you're talking now about someone who's fluent yeah but i don't care i don't care let's talk about the fact that spain as a country was like you take her but give us one back and then they're like okay and then they got it back and now they're like we're square yeah yeah yeah that's nuts i didn't know your sister lives in spain she's got the whole guilt thing because she's going through what my mom

went through when my mom's mom got sick in her 80s and your mom is here and my mom is here did you go back yeah but i mean it's a big travel it's a big travel so now my sister coming here is going through that is your mom sick i mean they're older they're older they're and are they in california still they're in virginia okay easier travel because i'm thinking i mean imagine how hard that is to go to california all the way to spain oh my god no you're like you gotta cross a country in a giant country in an ocean in an ocean that's fucking nuts but still i think you need to hire him when you guys get the letters and you need to go to that storage facility i want to see them i want to see the

unboxing yeah i want to see all of it i want see what the, how the fuck your dad got your mom to come to America off not knowing your language. I find that fascinating. Yeah. That's the pull of the century. Mr. Lynch, you're pimp of the century.

You're hot. And name. I can never say you are top three percentile hot in Spain, but you know what they got your daughter so really it was a trade and here I am yeah

and then the American one's like you guys want to talk about pussy farts and 20 years of therapy yeah Queef Week is available now on YouTube

go follow Carmen Lynch on all social media Twitter Instagram you've been around the whole time I've been here you've been nothing but awesome time I've been here. You've been nothing but awesome to hang out with.

Thank you. You're the best. I appreciate you coming on the podcast. Can I just yell out my Instagram? Yeah. At Carmen Comedian and Queef Week is on Mark Norman's YouTube.

And you know how you say Queef Week in Spanish? Yeah. Somebody told me because they don't have the word queef. I bet. It's pedo vaginal. La semana del pedo vaginal. That's insane that's too much that's too long eight words for just two on mark norman's youtube channel you're listening to queef week remember how they used to do on rap

things it's maybach music it's queef week check. Check it out. You're hilarious and thanks for coming. Thank you so much. Absolutely.