Soder - Super Bowl Hangover with Geoffrey Asmus | Soder Podcast | EP 14

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

This episode Dan is joined by comedian Geoffrey Asmus! Watch his new special here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3vSW95zhfs They talk about the future of the military in the United States. Elon Musk being a weird and other super rich guy creeps. Dan talks about how it was to be at the Super Bowl in 2024 and the pain of watching the San Francisco 49ers lose the Super Bowl to the Kansas City Chiefs. CTE is something that should be utilized. Vegas during the Super Bowl was insanity. Football players are modern gladiators. Bombing in front of celebrities. Dan Bilzerian is a loser internet person. All time best comedy movies. Male cheerleaders and Patrick Mahomes father. Sports fans revenge and dealing with a cursed sports team. PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Boston | Feb 17 2024 FEB 22 & 23rd, 2024 - Cleveland,OH Thu, FEB 29, 2024 - San Antonio,TX Feb 22-24 Cleveland,OH Feb 29 San Antonio,TX MAR 1 & 2nd, 2024 - Comedy Mothership - Austin,TX March 8-9 Cincinnati,OH March 10 Lexington,KY March 28-30 Nashville,TN April 12-13 Omaha,NE April 19-21 Washington,DC May 31st - June 1 Columbus,OH Follow Geoffrey https://www.instagram.com/geoffreyatm/?hl=en Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

i don't want to see a bezos movie yeah well he had a tough childhood that's why he had to take over the world that's why you know yeah you're like he also has bond villain head he was made his eye is a little droopy yeah and then when you go on steroids and he got that like sexy porn wife his second wife oh yeah here's the one he has now yeah the one yeah she's like a latina well you see you see him his first marriage and you're like it's almost like a stereotypical movie like dewey cox yeah we're like the first wife like a pretty normal wife and then he's like goes for the big blusty supermodel or whatever yeah yeah when the first at first he's like i'm gonna sell books out of our garage

and she's like i'll stick by you jeffrey this is a crazy idea but i love you i love you jeffrey she's a sick she'll stay by him and then he's like i just checked my bank account i've got 80 billion dollars i don't need you beat it why am i married to a girl from mundelein chicago a suburb he's like beat it you wet blanket he goes are you gonna get novelty novelty size tits he's like no i'm gonna love you the way i did when we were poor i'm not gonna fuck you on the moon he can do billionaire sex stuff now we need fakes tits. He goes, I have a sex wing made of kidnapped children. It's actually, they're just hold hands. They hold us up. They scream the whole time.

I've got Cirque du Soleil kids holding themselves up in our Vietnamese fucks way. Gotta love him. Bezos is, I am excited for. We're going to join his militia. We're all going to be fighting in the amazon militia oh dude well maybe walmart militia one of the two do you think that's what it'll come down to where it'll be like uh it'll be warring warring like mall stores like the elons versus the wall

oh you're from the nordstrom sector of america oh shit macy's you're in macy's neighborhood yeah i live in the blockbuster part we suck we're weak yeah you're like uh we got relegated down to walmart territory no they're they'd be good they'll be holing up but i feel like all of their supplies would break sure yeah everything's like their weapon like amazon they could flood yeah weapons they would they would be well stocked i like doing this they got an apocalyptic battle of walmart ak-47s like you get one clip and then it jams yeah yeah oh god amazon you have like 20 guns but two of them work the walmart ones only shoot black people yeah they find a way to never jam it finds out no no

not one of us shoot him i wonder so you got uh you're gonna have have the Bezos versus the Waltons. And Microsoft, they'll have a small, very tech-heavy army, drone-heavy army. You got Elon's army. Elon, he's an idiot, though. But he'll just have planes that crash into the- He'll have planes that say retard as they've hit you. And they go, oh, that was a pretty cool own. Free speech. that say retard as they've hit you and they go oh that was a pretty cool free speech oh did you see

me totally on the bezos when i sent you to oversea i can't do an elon i don't know his voice it's south african so that's yeah it's a weird south african's like it's like pretentious racist but it's also australian yeah a little bit australian has south african is like the africana yeah oh we've now we're taking your land i can't do it i don't know i don't know i don't know an elon so elon's weapons are drones that crash drones that crash yeah uh bill gates has like he infects like the computer software he sends child porn to all the other leaders and they get caught and there's a scandal and they destroy them from within. Don't you understand?

This is Bill Gates. They've got the, he definitely lives in like a Seattle temple with hoods. Yeah. And they're like, send the virus. It is. It's going to be a wasteland. It's going to be like Mad Max. It's going to be crazy.

And probably, well, not less than we think. Less than we think. I missed the commercials at the Super Bowl. Oh, you didn't see the commercials but i watched the scientology one missed that one was that one nuts there was it was it was just like i mean they're just like lying to you like oh we'll change your life you know everyone's smiling like it'll be fun there's a jesus one there's the anti-semitism one which out of the three religious ones you just named scientology being a religion

sure of course the great religion great religion all praise elrond lr lr hubbin xenu will return get your theatin level up yeah um who was the best one out of christian jesus one was good they did a good job it was weird it was like all random people like washing each other's feet like a call back to jesus or mary matt or jesus washing that prostitute's feet or whatever it was a didn't he wash the leper or did he kiss the leper he kissed the leper he like washed some whore's feet or something or she washed his or something i don't remember it's been a while do you think jesus looks down like he's like i don't need ads but he also goes like isn't me coming back from the dead a fucking ad

again with the foot stuff yeah why are we i did that once i i'm coming back to kill y'all i don't need an ad at the super bowl guys trust me when i come back it's not gonna be good that's why you know allah's the one true god they didn't need an ad well they didn't need an ad buddha didn't need an ad by the way jesus is like we're hurting allah yeah good luck making an ad good luck well yeah right there's no everyone no, everyone, no faces. Guys, I'm going to bring up Charlie Hebdo real quick to say that. I don't think we should do a, well, because the Jesus. You thought 9-11 was big?

We're coming back. He does. What's the, what's the phrase? He gets us. He's just like us. He gets us. He gets us. That's the phrase.

Jesus. God, he gets us. Why did Jesus need a new slogan? 2,000 years in, they're like, reincarnation, resurrection wasn't enough. that's the phrase jesus god he gets us don't you what why did jesus need a new slogan 2 000 years in they're like reincarnation resurrection wasn't enough someone got something snappier that they could hashtag someone was stressed out at home and their wife was like what's going on he's like i'm trying to find this new pitch for jesus yeah pitching for jesus like we just did a great doritos ad yeah we think you'll be perfect for

jesus how about jesus he's coming back no no how about jesus he was a jew he go no no no he was a jew too yeah okay and then like someone has it's like jesus we're all jews it's that moment where someone goes like i don't know he's he like he'd probably get us. What did you say? Whoa. He gets us. That's the guy who came up with, bet you can't eat just one from Lay's. He's a legend. He's unconscious from beyond the arc. He goes, yeah, Jesus, he gets us.

He's one of us. Boom. Jesus is my homeboy. He could free Palestine if he wanted to. He just didn't have enough money. Did they do any? They did anti-Semitism one. Okay. they they couched it in more of an anti hate they made it it was very clearly anti-semit but they made it like no we hate all hate but

they put in like one little anti we're anti-muslim hate but not as much that's kind of what it was but if you weren't aware jew hate still out jew hates the worst though by the way that's the spiciest that's the spiciest one it's like it's like um when they do uh what's the hot like bw and b b dubs oh hot ones they do hot ones but with hatred oh yeah they go white male hate not that hot not that and then they're building homophobia not trending anymore then they go black hate black it's hot it's hot we're getting there yeah and they go now try jew hate they go what black hate? Black hate's hot. It's hot. We're getting there. Yeah, and they go, no, try Jew hate. And they go, what the fuck is this? It's crazy.

It's like them crying. Oh, shit. Anti-Muslim hate? They were asking for it. They've done a lot of fucked up shit. Shouldn't have done that thing in October. Shouldn't have done it. I always love they always go back to like, if you're Muslim, you go, like, dude, that

wasn't even us. That was some other crazy guys. Right. That would be like if they always brought up Timothy McVeighigh or something you go it is yeah yeah it's the same that was oklahoma come on he's ruby ridge so you did they did the jesus yeah they did the jude and what the scientology was just like the three religious ones i remember oh and uh rfk jr had an apology on that he apologized yeah to his family why oh because he it was all using like old kennedy but it was i mean it got me thinking about it i love a kennedy i love a kennedy they're a great

family we could get another assassination that's what i'm all about let's go three for three folks yeah let's go three for three someone's going around they're just like the oswald family goes this is it this is it it's how i felt about It's how I felt about the Niners playing the Chiefs again in the Super Bowl. We get another chance. Got another shot. We're back in it, baby. We're back in it. Dad never even did it the first time.

We got to get him now. New year, new team. I would love. There's a lack of assassinations in politics. That's all I'm saying. We haven't had one in so long. The problem is it tends to bring about world wars. It does. Or civil wars. but great documentaries great docs i'm cool with 10 more years of being cool and then bring it on when i'm

a little older yeah we want 10 more years of vague normalcy then let's let it let's let it rip man i'll tell you what you go to the i i got to go to the super bowl in Las Vegas. That's crazy. A big thanks to Shane Gillis and Michael Che. Shane gave me his, he got a better hotel room and he gave me his room. Dang, okay. Real close to the stadium? I mean, it was off, the Raiders stadium's pretty close to the Strip. Really? It's walking distance.

God, I hate Vegas. Vegas is trash. I hate it. It's one of the worst places on earth. Loved it when I was young and I drank. Sure. Oh, you're sober. Oh, God. Well, getting high, the spectacle's kind of, it. It's one of the worst places on earth. Loved it when I was young and I drank. Sure. Oh, you're sober. Oh, God.

Well, getting high, the spectacle's kind of- It's not. It's not. It's just anxious. It's anxious 40-year-old high. Yeah. It's not like, whoa, the lights. It's like this fucking-

And you're engaged to like none of it means anything to you. The sex is sad. Yeah. The gambling is sad. It's a pit of sadness. You don't gamble? I love gambling oh really but you're out i only do it in vegas you bet on the game i don't i only do card i like

blackjack i like jack's fun i love playing uh craps i have to have it re-explained to me every time but once you get into it it's not that yeah it's not too very fun i would say it's the most fun game to play so fun my favorite thing in the world is to get a blackjack table of all my friends. Oh, and you just like all just shooting the shit and everything. Like $5 minimum, like just last for hours. I love that. Vegas. That shows how poor I am.

Vegas for the Super Bowl. All the minimums went like. Oh, right. You were lucky to find. It's like $100 minimum or whatever. You were lucky to find a hundred dollar minimum or whatever you're lucky to find a 25 table i was thinking they should have a section of the super bowl it's just for poor people they're like get like all the poor get all the homeless people in san francisco and

kansas city give them a section and some hennessy and some 40s and just let them go it's like a student section at a college game yeah yeah it's like let the poor people because they're the ones that need it the most just they want to go inside rich people don't need to watch the super bowl they can so that was the whatever they want i've been to two super bowls oh you've been to another one i went to 2019 when they lost the chiefs the first time oh god oh maybe it's you i might be well i'll tell you what you gotta say 49ers fans rest easy i will never go to another 49er super bowl again i will only watch from i can't own two i can't go to really can't but you see especially vegas you see like wealthy people in an evil way

because it's all the lights and there's like people being like i felt horrible for anyone that went to the super bowl that was a fan that like- Actually cared about the game. Cared about the game and maybe isn't, doesn't have the hookups or maybe doesn't have money where, most Super Bowl tickets cost $8,000 a piece. 8,000?

That's what they were like the average was. Jesus Christ. So when the 49ers beat the Lions, Che was like, Che and I text about the 49ers all the time. He's a 49er fan. Like I told you, for the funniest reason, which is that he wanted to make his brother mad

in the late 80s. I do respect that. It's out of spite. His brother was a Giants fan, so he became a 49ers fan, and then it just stuck. So he's just like a lifelong 49ers fan. Good time to get into the 49ers. Great late 80s was the perfect time so we text all the time we beat the lions and i'm

like dude we gotta go to the super bowl yeah shane i knew was gonna be out there because shane had texted me a couple knows like mcafree and them doesn't he well he knows every nfl player nfl players love sure they love he was close to playing wasn't he? Well, he knows every NFL player. NFL players love Shane. Sure. They love Shane. Because he was close to playing, wasn't he? No, he was recruited. He could have played D1 or whatever. Yeah, he was recruited. He was good at football.

Yeah, yeah. I was horrible at football. Right. I was good. Yeah, you were. I was a speedy tight end. Everyone knows that. Dude, that would be so funny if we look it up and you were like a five star.

I'm destroying Minnesota football. Dude, if we find out you're a blue chip. Yeah. You're like oh i had the choice between iowa nebraska like i'll just stand up i chose stan i stopped working out i used to be ripped i just want to be snarky if we find an old picture of you and you're just all i played on like those nine man football teams the farm kids played on like nebraska yeah yeah they all eight man football yeah eight man it was eight man colorado has a bunch eastern colorado

yeah all my cousins played on those those guys are tough as shit yeah and they wrestle in the in the that's their other sport they do they're the most they're the toughest kids in high school they're so stupid but they're beautiful men beautiful the cauliflower ear so fun it is uh if you're if you're a military recruiter go to every eight-man football. They will all join. They'll be like, yeah. Because they can't stop.

And they'll fuck shit up. Right. You don't want us. You don't want thought. We would have won Fallujah if we had a few more eight-man squads. Yeah, you don't want thoughtful pussies like us. Guys with empathy.

Guys who have a book in their bag. Actually, it was a pretty good read. I think i'm gonna read through it again because i missed some of the central characters some bombing i didn't really understand what khan was trying to say you just need a guy that's like yeah me and the seven of my boys are gonna go smack the shit out of this farm team but um jay and i texted and jay was like i'm gonna try to get his tickets and so i I bought a plane ticket to Vegas. Shane told me earlier because his deal with Bud Light, he was like, I got Super Bowl tickets.

Oh, he's Bud Light sponsored? Yeah, so like a month before, he was like, do you want to go to the Super Bowl? And it was in Vegas. So I was honest with him. I said, if it's the 49ers. Otherwise, you would not go. Absolutely not.

Because it's a trash, hedonistic hellhole. If you've been to a Super Bowl, if anyone's ever been to a super bowl they will tell you it sucks it's just like corporate enema constantly everyone there's rich right you feel pressure up your asshole the entire time from corporations oh because they're just like welcome to the michelob ultra escalator on the doritos bathroom that's exactly what it is the minute made toilet bowl welcomes you you're taking a pepsi shit and you're like it's my own body though i don't even have control of my own by pepsi now in this stall all that poop belongs to coca-cola so shane was like do you want to go and i was like dude thank you for the offer it's incredible that

you would offer this unless it's the 49ers no yeah and he's like, dude, thank you for the offer. It's incredible that you would offer this. Unless it's the 49ers, no. Yeah. And he's like, all right, I'm going to bring other people. And then Shane being Shane, he kept texting me being like, it's crazy you turned down Super Bowl tickets. You know, just bust the balls. You already bent to one, though. If you hadn't bent to one, of course.

Dude, Shane does a thing where he busts balls perfectly, and he knows where he's going to get you to the point where you go, dude, okay. Like, I think that's always his goal is to get you to convince you to do something or or or to get you until you go like all right man fine yeah i'll fucking go to the super bowl but i i told him i go dude vegas is a nightmare for me like i'll do skank fest because that's a comedy festival but outside of that right i will never go to vegas it's it's it's a sad place i used to go there a lot people who grew up there it's like how would you grow up there there's comics that live i know i did like the club there it's actually fun but it sucks they do entertainment well they do i'm seeing

dead and co there this summer see what i mean fear or whatever i couldn't say no they get you before they die vegas always gets you yeah and i used to drive up there when i went to the university of arizona my friend johnny went to unlv and i had some friends that lived in henry unlv must be wild it was wild but when you go visit them they want to go do college shit and you're like well you're gonna go to the strip and that's like us going to times square living in new york right they're like we've been there been there you don't want to go hooker there we don't need don't want to go to the strip yeah it sucks there. We don't need that. You don't want to go to the Strip. Yeah, yeah.

It sucks. It's like going to Disney World if you live in Orlando or whatever. But imagine if the Super Bowl was in Times Square. That's what it was like. It was just. Has it ever been in New York? Yeah. It's been a bit.

It was the Seahawks Broncos. Oh, a terrible one. Yeah, the Broncos got fucking crushed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I say that as a niners fan i was like come on broncos then they got my team will net the vikings will never make the super bowl we have no shot i would but you guys used to all the time and yeah back in the day before you were born we were the bills before the bills were the bills you were you were the original oh and four

we'd also four out of six yeah yeah yeah was your is your dad a huge vikings fan ah he pretends he is just because he wants to relate to me but he doesn't really care do you care i i do i don't as much as i used to but i do i used to love football let me rephrase this i do hate to say like the cte and stuff takes me out a little bit well yeah when you're like whether oh he's gonna kill himself yeah especially when they started actually doing it yeah and yes yes that like chiefs player who just shot himself in front of the coach or whatever it's like this is uh not as fun anymore dude i love it i can't you know homeless pimps looking at us like you haven't heard this is like a i can't remember what they do is junior say out oh junior say out

killed himself killed himself but what they do is they this is fucking dark they shoot themselves in the chest because they want them to see the brain because they want to be like i'm telling you something's wrong up here because they can't find out if you have ct until you die how can they not find out because they have to like they go to the fucking moon yeah but they can't get the fucking moon they can't just peek in my brain a little bit you just did such a bar take that's such an airport scientific i think about that all the time though i stand by it if you're at an airport scientific bar take? I think about that all the time, though. I stand by it. If you're at an airport bar, I would hear that come out where he goes,

you can make Advil, but you can't find... Why don't they make the brain out of the black box? Come on. But they said they can't... Apparently, CTE is like little dark spots in your brain. They can't do it. They'd have to peel you open or

whatever oh god they have to like fillet your brain that's why they keep the brain intact so they can be like told you so well dude benoit chris benoit when he died oh he hung himself so they had his brain and they said he had the brain of like an 80 year old boxer oh god they said like his brain was just they live they live life, though. But it does take you out. That's why I've tried to make a joke for years, but it's like, I don't feel bad for the NFL players, CT, but a Division III player gets a two. They didn't even get a scholarship,

and they're a drooling Walmart greeter. Dude, they do. I'm playing fullback at North Texas State. They did the science, and they said that the impact is as bad, as low as 11 years old. They said 11-year-old kids running into each other. It's like letting your kid play is just insane. They said, wait until he's 14.

They're like, no CRT, just CTE. Yeah, we only get CTE in this house. Now, let me ask you a question, because I know you're on your high horse about all this brain damage i still love football i still watch my question to you is if the vikings got real good oh of course i mean i still i follow the vikings i'm going to the game but you be school nation oh of course i was i have all i have all the cold pepper jerseys moss jerseys when i was your favorite viking randy moss the greatest football player of all time i love love him. He's the great, I love him.

The mooning at the Packers. Oh, so good. And he gets in trouble and it is like, it was just- And he was high the whole time. He was like high his whole career. I loved the Patriots redo with him

where Belichick was like- I did root for them because he's my hero. I love Randy Moss. Dude, he's the best. That'd be the one football player I'd like geek out if I saw him. If you met Randy Moss.

The other ones, I wouldn't really care about him. It's funny to think about his cool, older, black guy energy and you're excited. I really like you. Remember when you had 1,600 yards in 2003? You and Chris Carter made up the greatest receiving corps of all time.

You, Chris Carter, Jake Reed, the deep three. Come on. Remember that? You guys losing to Atlanta in 98. That was like the first football thing I had consciousness for was gary anderson wide left first field goal he missed in a year and a half or whatever i had me on his vikings podcast oh sy amundsen a legend legend minnesota legend he's so funny and he had me on his podcast and uh it was the vikings were a part of it oh oh yeah because he like has connections to the team he like works the team

and so he asked me he's like hey will you just come on and talk about like the 49ers or whatever you're a huge niners fan and i was like yeah dude absolutely we talked a little bit about the vikings football is so tribal that when someone finds out you're not a vikings fan and you're talking about them it's like what do you know yeah what do you fucking know it's the comments you weren't there you don't you don't remember the love boat scandal or whatever yeah and you're like i don't i don't remember that oh we they got they had a like who is like it was like the dante culpepper era they rented a boat on lake minnetonka and had like 20 hookers on it and were just in the oak they were doing a thing called running through the okra which is where they would hold the women up and just eat them out while holding them in the air and they were just doing it in

the open on a july afternoon and all these families were boating by like what the hell what's going on wait really yeah and they got caught a guy was doing like like in the bottom of an ice cream cone yeah he was brian mckinney he's called it running through the okra and they were they all got caught and nothing really happened but it is like um they are our modern day gladiators oh yeah yeah so can you imagine in rome them being like hey guys the orgies are a little much and like you're being a lot right now spartacus um you're never seen with women of color okay we have a huge image problem right here. We need you to start dating some Egyptians or maybe some Persians. You have enough Thracian whores.

Okay, please move on. Your love of Roman whores is problematic, but it is. We have an emperor of color now, okay? I feel like we should just let football players be barbarians. Once they retire, they should just be able to shoot each other.

But there's stories of guys where they're like you haven't battled with yeah yeah like you retired you're gonna kill yourself why not kill each other get some money out of it get someone morally corrupt like dana white to he would do it to do like i'll set up a fight to the death between and then you're like dante culpepper goes after brett farve or whatever it'd be great or they just like and they just like throw weapons down and they have to wear their jersey. Yeah, yeah. Sell it. Get Aaron Rodgers get him on ayahuasca and have him shoot himself.

He's just like crazy and he's got like nunchucks. He's like I studied this in my dark hole. That guy's such a dweeb. Aaron Rodgers became such a loser. He just became the guy at your high school that got too into conspiracy theories and you're like it was fun when we were smoking weed in sophomore year it's like senior year you're

like all right you actually think doritos are made of child semen it's like okay aaron it's a hard you there has to be so many people around aaron rogers that have been like he's gotta gotta stop doing ayahuasca you're like dude aaron come on he also like thinks it's he i you can do drugs but when he goes on like the pat mcafee show it says aaron rogers ayahuasca enthusiast well i think that's them fucking with him you don't think he wants that i think he tells him to put that i think that's pat mcafee is it them fucking with him i think that's i think that ruins my whole theory yeah no i think that's them being like right? They're like pointing him out as kind of an idiot. Which is a thing that I thought was really funny to do to people for a while

is behind friends when they're saying something, go like that. That's them doing that, being like, yeah. That's just bad. I'd be like, he's on Iowa. But when you go to Vegas for the Super Bowl, it's so on the road i can't sing or i would say imagine if i thought i could sing i'd be obnoxious shit um cleveland ohio i'm coming to hilarities it's a very fun comedy club and i have a fucking blast every time i'm in cleveland might stop by the candy store work on this pre--diabetes. February 22nd through February 24th.

A couple of the shows are already sold out, but there are some tickets available for Hilarities in Cleveland. Then San Antonio. I'm doing a make-up date at LOL on February 29th. Leap Day. I will be in San Antonio at LOL. Tickets available there. DanSoda.com for those tickets.

Cincinnati, Ohio. i'm coming to go bananas first time i've been there in nine years i love that club dan saint germain's gonna be with me i'm there march 8th and 9th nailed it i'm there march 8th and 9th and then louisville louisville kentucky comedy off broadway in louis, the birthplace of Hunter S. Thompson, possibly the greatest American writer of all time. I will be there on Sunday, March 10th. Sundays in March don't mean shit because football's done. So come out and see me at Comedy Off-Broadway

in Louisville on March 10th. So there you go. Cleveland, San Antonio, Cincinnati, and Louisville. All at DanSoder.com, plus all my other dates. All my dates are up there. Anything booked is at DanSoder.com plus all my other dates all my dates are up there anything booked is at DanSoder.com go check if I'm coming to your city good luck with the rest of your day and you know what don't take anything that people do to you personal I'm just talking to myself at this point but when you go to Vegas for the Super Bowl it's so Vegas mixed with corporations it's already over the top and then for the Super Bowl I'm sure it's so vegas mixed with corporations it's already over the top and then for the super

bowl i'm sure it's a hundred times that yeah and is everything more expensive too like food is just insane everything was crazy how much is a beer at the super bowl i don't know you didn't buy a beer i have a guess oh i did i bought che a couple beers what was it 25 18 what that's less than the yankees game it was like the hell i think it was i bought i bought a che a beer i bought j i bought che two beers and me a water and it was 60 bucks okay i thought it would be more honestly that's just like but everything else yeah but everything it's like stadium prices fall to the outside now yeah like you when you go to a knicks game when you go to that you're you're like you know yeah but when you go to a super bowl they're like oh it's stadium prices so they don't change

everywhere yeah oh the whole city the whole city's on right bottled water is 12 bucks at the gas station they're like they're not fucking around there's these 7-elevens that are making their whole year in a weekend i'm sure jay and i were walking over to the stadium and there was this place called like the hope hotel and you're like they made their nut yeah yeah no one stays there it's like a one-star hotel like this is it i guess but it's right next to the stadium yeah fucking will smith staying there because everything's full it was crazy it was crazy because i went to the super bowl in miami oh it was like around south beach was crazy but i'm sure you could get to like Fort Lauderdale and it wasn't as bad. All of Vegas was crazy.

It was just like- You'd have to go to like Arizona for it to be normal. They were telling people, they're like, you can't take an Uber, you can't take a cab. You have to walk everywhere because it's gridlock.

Like on Las Vegas Boulevard- Oh, really? It was just gridlock the whole time. I didn't, we like, I took a tram. It was a lot. Steven Paddock's probably like,

I should have done the shooting that during this game that country music festival was nothing compared to this oh they're doing a super oh i should have waited five more years he's rotting in a jail right now like why didn't i do you think he's he's going complete solitary confinement we're talking about the mass shooter from the mass shooter a legend uh not i mean okay you know you know what i mean folk we're just kidding around there's at least one guy out there who went he is he is well he's number one he's number one you can't take that away from him well he was though that's like the most conspiracy one he's like clearly a government entity really yeah like they were giving him guns he worked as a drug runner or gun runner for the government his is the most

mysterious smash shooting of all he was like a basically an agent that went rogue that's pretty much what happened yeah well he's like yeah he got set up kind of i keep thinking about this and it's something i can't talk about on stage but we've landed here on the podcast i brought it up i shouldn't have but here we are nothing nothing changes the way you watch 90s action movies more like modern day shootings because if you an action hero like commando when he's trying to get his daughter back yeah you could frame him as just like a lone gunman oh right like rambo and all they never they never get him for that like he's just a mentally ill loner that's what they got bullied in high school that's why first blood was so good

right that was all about like vietnam they were rejected ptsd the best one it's the best one but after that you go like he's just incredible he just gets more and more psychotic like why is he doing this yeah like that would be like if they let clebold and harris run it back or they're like what do you got he killed a couple pedophiles you know give him a chance yeah hey that guy didn't it wasn't all bad wasn't there that dan bilzerian you're I was going to bring that up. That's who you're going to bring up. I love. Dan Bilzerian, the poker player.

That like buff dude. Yeah, the guy that's just on steroids. He just fucks 18 year olds every day. He just hangs out with hot sluts. Yeah. And he's famous for doing that, I think. I don't know. And that mind frame for me ran out at like 22.

Because like the second you realize. The whole concept of I only hang out with just hot chicks and occasionally a celebrity is the worst. Because you've talked to those hot chicks. You're like, oh, they're brutal to be around. It's fun for a couple months. He's just like, oh, doggy pile. And then you come and then you go like,

did you ever watch The Good Place? And they go like uh do you ever watch the good place and they go like why no why would i watch that jeopardy's hard and you go like yeah yeah i guess that's kind of the appeal of it and then he's sitting there like he never wears a shirt are you smarter than a fifth grader i truly think i might be the polar opposite of dan blazer yeah yeah i never want to go shirtless well he's and didn't he lie that he took out a gun and was trying to find the shooter? That's why I brought him up about Vegas. Did you ever watch the video?

Oh, is there a video of it? Buddy, there is LVBD body cam. Of him? Of him asking the cop for a gun. And the cop goes, what? I'll tell you right now, I've had embarrassing moments with celebrities but nothing is more embarrassing than when they're confused and annoyed that feeling of being like like it

happened with louis yeah i was drunk and i like told him to come do this comedy club but i was phrasing it crazy oh yeah he was like what it was like 2007 and i was like nothing oh you were just like ted just moved to new york yeah so but look it up look god i gotta look that up because he keeps going like you hear the firing from the hotel and then he goes hey hey and the cops like behind something he's like what and he's like i'm a good guy give me a gun i'm a good the balls my skin color i'm the good guy. Give me a gun. I'm a good, the balls. Look at my skin color. I'm the good guy. Look at my beard. Dude, take my shirt off.

I'm just ripped. Look at this slot on my arm. She goes, I don't even know what's going on. She's just shrieking. She's bleeding. She's dead. She's hit. He doesn't even know she's dead for 20.

They killed slut number three. Oh, no, I think her name was Crystal or Ashley. And she's like, I just got a 50 caliber. I must avenge her. He goes, one last bang, baby. I'm going to send you to Valhalla on my cock. Valhalla.

There we go. Only, I'll see you in Valhalla, my slut. My slut. Feel this Ragnar cock. He does the thing where he goes, shh,

put two old Roman dimes and quarters on her eyes. One last ride. May you feast in heaven. He keeps asking the cop for the gun, and the cop is like, dude, shut up. He's like, no, no, no.

I'm a good guy. What does he think was going to happen? Like he's going to storm the hotel or whatever? I'm telling you, in his mind, he was like this. Business is booming like an arnold line do you think mass shooters ever say arnold lines you think they go like calabunga he goes schools out and they're like no no you almost are tempted if you're a mass shooter they try to get

a catchphrase going and no one said it never worked they're like it's in a mall i guess class ended early today looks like you test it out or like in a mall where they're like blue light special i know yeah you can't but that's so funny he tries to get this gun and this cop is just like dude absolutely not and he's like he's i respect you so much man bro you're so cool i'm thin blue line bro i'm behind it look at the memes i posted i'm on your side give me your guard i'm a good guy saying you're a good guy to a cop my boxers say all lives matter come on look i would be if i was black i'd be so tempted to use that on a pullover. I'm a good guy.

They go, what? They're like, what the fuck? You'd be shot immediately. You can't say that. I'm a good. Give me your gun. He asked for my gun. Okay.

Well, shouldn't have done that. That is the funniest thing that guy's ever done. God, what a loser. Yeah. You look at it and you go, it's so fun. And then he went back and told his harem of sluts. They wouldn't give me a gun, babes. And they're like this. Why?

You're the good guy. was that's shady that's shady as fuck the one slut that's into conspiracies and she goes did you know that guy was a gun runner for the american government whoa whoa you're blowing my mind he kicks her out though you can't have a smart slut you're too sharp for this circular bed. He has a water bed. He has a circular water bed. I'm telling you, he has to have a circular bed. It's in a heart shape or whatever. He's the kind of guy that thinks sleeping on silk sheets is comfortable.

Have you ever slept on silk sheets? I don't think I ever have. I don't even know. At one time, I did a gig. I was opening for Bobby Kelly in the Poconos. And you get silk sheets in the Poconos? And they put us at one of those fuck resorts. It was like a swingers resort.

Oh, wow. And I tried to take a nap. I didn't even sleep overnight there. I tried to take a nap, and I did it. I was like, silk sheets? Are they too smooth? You're just like... You feel like you're laying in someone else's cum.

Oh. You're just like... Give me some cum. In the Poconos, too. They don't clean them well. They don't clean them well they don't clean a lot of baby boomer come on those oh my god yeah real i remember where i was when kennedy got shot yeah a lot of speed wagon come there a lot of good stuff but chay so chay's like dude i got you a

ticket so i fly out there and shane's like you can crash in my hotel room so i was like that's all i needed oh nice so i fly out there katie and i kept joking around because i was like at any time che could be like good game give me a thousand dollars do you do you actually think he was gonna do that i didn't know no here's the thing i wouldn't have been mad at him and you're like i'll pay you four i would have i literally thought about it and i went well i have the have the Wilbur coming up. If I give you the gate receipts of the Wilbur, tickets are selling well. They're pretty good. We added a second show. I might have to, you know, I might have to give you the backend. I'm giving them points on my merch sales. So

I was lucky. I was very lucky that I got a free ticket in a free hotel room. That was really the only way I wanted to go. Yeah, that's awesome. And I was lucky. So that's why I say these people that spend their life savings. Did Katie come with you? No, I ran solo. So I flew out Friday. And then you go to Vegas, and it's just that.

It's just this gross. You're just immediately, like there's a lot of celebrities, but celebrities love other celebrities. They don't want to talk to you. They don't want to. They want to talk to the other like Jennifer Aniston or whatever. I'm 14th on the call sheet on Billions. They don't give a shit about me.

I'm not a celebrity. You saw everyone there? They're just walking around with their little bodyguards and all that. I'm kind of tempted to tell this story. I might tell you to edit this out before this comes tomorrow but this made me the hardest i laughed was i went to the burt kreischer tom segura show they did one during the super bowl the night before was that planned or random yeah it was planned oh okay uh at the mgm arena jesus it was huge it was awesome 20k people or something yeah trevor wallace bobby lee shane was a surprise guest and then segura and burt damn and it was awesome 20k people or something yeah trevor wallace bobby lee shane was a surprise guest

and then segura and burt damn and it was i mean dude wow those people awesome show awesome shit himself he didn't poop himself there we go burt was on his best behavior and it was a it was a fucking cool show uh we got to watch it it was very fun to watch that show because you're like the the scale of it yeah and you know i've never seen a show that big before i've never been to a show that's like when i go to a nate show i watch nate at an arena and you're like you're like this is a different thing it's a different thing i'm looking like oh albany funny bones looking a little light this weekend okay hilarities okay saturday late show's grim okay cleveland i'm there in two weeks i need a couple

more hundred people to care um but before before the show there was like so many celebrities there sure nate diaz came because of shane oh yeah i met nate diaz who's a huge niner fan okay and i spazzed out so hard about the Niners that I think I turned Nate... He's like not a Niners fan anymore? No, there was a moment where he was like, all right, dude. Because I was like, and then in 2019, so we're listening to the Chiefs.

And I was like... He's like, I watch like three games a year. No, no, no, no. He knows the games. He is a big... He's like fucking diehard. But what's funny is, KD is like, you have this spastic energy

about the 49ers. You keep hitting them with facts. They're like, they're out. And I just want to talk about like, well, you have this spastic energy about the 49ers. You keep hitting them with facts. They're out. I just want to talk about what you remember in the Super Bowl against the Chargers in 1994. Jerry Rice. Second and two, they brought a nickel defense. We got the read. I was doing a little too much of that.

At one point, I catch Nate Diaz being like, all right. Had you met him before? No. I think Nate Diaz rules he's always i don't really know much about ufc but he just talks shit in such a funny way he's the best he loves the niners and i met one of his buddies who who's a fan yeah who was the man and so i'm like talking to all these people having fun jimmy kimmel shows up there's like a bunch of like celebrities king of the pedo island yeah there we go we go. Straight off Epstein Island, Jimmy Kimmel.

And all these celebrities come in and then Bert does this like real big intro where he's like, all right, guys, show's about to start. But before I go, motherfucking Guy Fieri. And he brings out Guy Fieri to open the show. No. In the green room. Oh. But he gives them that kind of intro.

And we're all just like the room goes ah like that like where there's more famous people in here already jimmy jimmy kibble's right there and you're like i'm fieri though i mean guy fieri rules he's great i watch diners drives and dives all the time it's my go-to watch in a hotel room but it was funny because the intro bricked what did he think everyone was gonna like cheer or whatever no one did anything and got fear he goes i thought i was gonna get more than that that's so demoralizing for him it made me laugh because i was like dude you know i just felt his pain they gotta be taken down though i think that's good they need to have an

ego ego burst every now and then he was either way cooler to people around him that night or a bigger dick yeah yeah either way he learned a lesson or doubled down yeah either broke good or broke bad but then it was like um that was like jimmy kimmel cool he's hanging he's talking yeah he was cool they were like everyone was cool i didn't really i hung out with mccusker and right i i was just like hanging christie stefano was there oh damn i hung out with mccusker and right i i was just like hanging out with chris de stefano was there oh damn i hung out with him i was hanging out with people i knew yeah because in those situations i'm not good at being i would not go up to them be like jimmy kimmel what's going on what's this rogers thing what the hell he's an idiot yeah i don't know the guy yeah i'm not gonna bring it actually only name drop katie to him are sarah silverman's tits are they really like that yeah

as good as i think they would be right hey nice got her young okay i'm married now what are you doing the man show didn't age well what do you have to say about that girls on trampolines wow it was a different time different time jimmy i loved the man show it was fun i loved it was it was absurdly sexist but it's fun you go back and watched stuff from that, they really just did some stuff. I was watching Harold and Kumar go to White Castle on the plane, and I was like, man, it's fun, but it's so dated. Yeah, the comedies rarely, they don't stick around. Austin Powers aged well.

It did. That's a great comedy. You know what Mike Myers aged well that no one talks about? So I married an axe murderer. Cat in the hat. The love guru. Oh, axe, so I married an axe murderer. Cat in the hat. Yeah. The love guru. Oh, axe murderer?

I've only, it's been too long. I don't remember that one. So I married an axe murderer. That's with him? I didn't even know that was him. I grew up loving that movie. Really? So that was like a nostalgia. Okay.

Was that before Austin Powers? Yeah. Oh, okay. He does Fat Bastard as his dad. Really? Yeah, his dad's like a Scottish guy. Oh, that's the beginning of Fat Bastard? That's where it came from?

That's where the impression came from. Oh, really? Yeah, because he's like, look at. Oh, that's the beginning of Fat Bastard? That's where the impression came from. Oh, really? Oh, man. Look at the size of that boy's head. Such an insane character. Go watch it, because his dad's really funny. Really? His dad's like a conspiracy theorist.

Okay. Because they read the World News, the Weekly World News. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a scene where Mike Myers goes to his dad. He goes, you guys are reading that? And he goes, it's a known fact that the five most wealthiest families in the world all meet at a facility called the Meadows.

And he goes into it. The Gettys, the Rothschilds, the Queen, the Colonel before he went tits up. And then he shits on the Colonel Sanders for a while. It's great. Watch So I Met an Ex-Murderer. That's back when conspiracy theories were cool. It was funny.

It was great. It was great. It didn't do any harm. You didn't lose family right you're not shooting up a pizza place exactly you're just going like you know lizard people run cnn and you go i could see that yeah well sure what's for dinner you know what it was it was it was consequence-less yeah yeah now people are way too deep and you can't even get out because of the internet you can just dive into it yeah yeah There's too many documentaries now. Trust me, I'm a wrestling fan.

You can get into that shit where you're like- Oh, are there conspiracies in wrestling? There's just everything about wrestling. Yeah, yeah. Wrestling fans are always too intense. See, that's something I know nothing about, wrestling. But the football intensity, the Super Bowl, there's fans there, but there's-

Most people don't give a shit. Yeah. They just are there for the spectacle or to say they could afford it. We had these two young Chiefs fans behind us, these two young guys who were great. Yeah. They were fun.

We were talking shit. Me and Che were talking shit to them. They, by the way, it's funny when someone realizes the person you're with is famous. Oh, because they realized it was Michael Che after a little bit. And you watch them. Katie and I were laughing about it last night.

I could talk all the shit and I would, and they wouldn't get mad because they want Che to like them. Oh. Because he's famous. Oh, that's fun. So I could just turn back around and be like, you guys suck. Kansas City sucks.

And they'd be like, you guys are ugly. Your city sucks. I mean, I was guys are ugly your city sucks i mean i was doing that because the 49ers have a male cheerleader jonathan oh that's a big controversy among probably fans i'm sure i mean yeah for katie also ripped though i'm sure too he's like he's like a young latin guy oh hell yeah and he like dances with him good for him that's exactly we go we went to the like of course san francisco has a fucking male cheerleader that's what they said gay city uh we went last season and discovered jonathan yeah so he became a thing where katie was like

katie became a fan of him she'd be like his like a stage mom she'd be like jonathan she's a patriots fan yeah so we're at niners games she's like where's jonathan where's my guy that's great she's like what because he really does like the like the girl he does the exact same thing he does the choreography that they do wow so we're watching it and i'm texting with katie and i'm like i don't think jonathan made the super bowl squad and she's like no and then i like found it i'm taking a picture and one of the young fans was like oh you guys got a male cheerleader or whatever and I was like, yeah, sorry we're progressive on like your shithole

state of Missouri but because they wanted Che, they're like, yeah. You're right, we could change a few things. We should update our morals.

But I didn't really care. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they can't clap back. Well, they were being cool. They actually were.

They were like lightly talking shit. It was fun. That's great. But they were young and energetic so as the Chiefs started coming back they'd be like let's fucking go but their voice would crack oh they were like young they were like early 20s wow they probably threw their like christmas bonus they're like we're going to the super bowl they were cool and if they're watching this you guys were cool and you did make watching it and by the way after they won

as we were leaving they're like like, hey, guys, that was a lot of fun. They weren't like dicks about it. That's great. They like at the end were like, guys, that was a lot of fun. They knew they didn't deserve to win. Yeah. I mean, they did.

We should have ran the ball. That's all I'm going to say about the actual run. And the fumble was brutal. The fumble was brutal. The missed extra point. Oh, that guy's done. No, Moody hit 255. He did.

But that one. Yeah. 55. That's true. He set the record, and then it got broken, right? Should have ran the damn ball. Should have ran the damn ball. We had Christian McCaffrey and Kyle Juszczyk. We had an all-pro backfield.

We should have just been. You got to give it to the Polak. You got to give it to the ripped Polish man. I love Kyle Juszczyk. We also started running the ball in the fourth quarter in overtime, and it was working. And you're like, where was this in the second and third quarter that is all i will say about we won't go into that we don't want to go into that is it about the x's and o's it was very upsetting it was very upsetting to watch them lose and when where vegas really sucks is when you're sad when you're sad about

everyone's they're trying to trick you into be happy they're just immediately like oh come on and like i saw a lot of 49ers fans that were out gambling and drinking. There was probably people that put it behind them, but I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. Yeah, yeah. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. But you had to share a hotel still. No, because Shane got a better room.

Oh, good. And I texted him the next day. I said, hey, man, that was the most depressed I've ever been after a football game. Thank you for giving me my own space. Because I only... God, if you would have had to be in the room with him and while like you're like oh he was great i'm sure it'd be fine but you don't you'll be alone he's friends with christian mccaffrey use check and kiddo his team

he's an eagles fan eagles right and they were there last year yeah right and by the way jesus when you when you when you love a team loudly yeah so katie and this is what katie said she's like when you love a team loudly know how to get you so twitter was brutal oh yeah stay off you gotta stay off i read it i was getting fired up what were they saying about you guys one guy was like what the only person that i was like man i was like you dude you and then another dude on instagram I was like, fuck you, dude. Fuck you. And then another dude on Instagram.

It was actually funny, but that's what got me to respond. Yeah. Because a lot of people were like, fuck the Niners. Fuck the Niners. Sure. Sure. That's just how it goes. It's par for the course.

Yeah. I rubbed it in the face of Packers fans, Lions fans on our way there. This is the game. Also, I realized growing up how much shit I used to give Cincinnati Bengals fans because I was always like, Is that how you hate? Oh, because of the boomer size and all that? I would flex on them and you're like, 49ers beat you guys twice in the Super Bowl and now Chiefs fans are like, we got you twice and you're like, you did

and now I know how it feels. So I get it. So I'm fine eating shit. I'm fine eating shit. The one guy doing that the day of where you're like, dude, why are you, why are you thinking of this? That's exactly the thing. Like,

how is this in your brain? You're that big. I'm so drunk. I got a dunk on soda right now. I got to take him down. One guy wrote me hindsight. It's very funny. He wrote Niners got bowled over the way you bowl over your podcast guests.

Okay. That's funny it was funny so i wrote like fuck you dork or whatever yeah and then the guy was like go seahawks and so immediately i went to his profile to see how i could hurt him and he was a guitar player oh and i was like you suck a guitar pussy and i was just like and then i i bet he's gonna frame that though he'll that'll be on the wall. So here's the thing. The guy's funny. So the guy got me to laugh because after I wrote that, I was like, dude, go get high,

take a shower, put on ancient aliens, chill out. Yeah. Don't look at, don't look at your phone. I did that. Yeah. So I did that. So I go get high in the shower and I come back out. And then like later I'm laying in the hotel bed and I look at Instagram and he wrote like, he wrote a burn that

sucked and i wrote oh so you're dumb and i like went back at him and then i wrote i'm glad the sonics got taken from seattle oh there we go and then he immediately responded well at least it only happened once unlike you losing to the chiefs in the super bowl oh that was good touche and i wrote back that was actually good and then i was high enough that i go you don't suck at guitar i was just being i'm just being a bitch you actually you do a pretty good modern blues and then i wrote back right before we recorded this podcast oh really dm me an apology he was like dude i was drunk and he was like if someone would have wrote me that after the malcolm butler interception against the patriots i would have wanted to kill him he's like i would have been so mad he wrote me a very this is good the internet

working that's what i mean but he wrote me a very nice message and i wrote him back i was like dude i genuinely appreciate that apology that doesn't happen often you gotta savor those moments university of houston basketball i hope all of their knees blow out and it's that guy's fault they haven't been good at anything in decades. Guess what? It's jihad on your ass. You are an enemy until I'm dead. Yeah, it's October 7th on you, buddy. We're coming for you.

It's also really funny to be mad at a person that you don't know their name or their face. Yeah, yeah. So now I just have heat for the University of Houston. Does he didn't have his face on it? No, he's a pussy. That should be a law. You have to have your face. I actually

think it should have to be your first and last name on your face. And by the way, I bet if you talked to the guy, he was like, yeah, I was joking. Like, I didn't mean to make you upset. He's just a little man. He's just, he has a sad life. When you're loud about loving your football team and they lose a suit, it hurts. People know how to go right to the

heart. And I was like bummed out, but it's been a couple days. I remember when brett farve threw that interception against the saints in the college that i remember i was at a bar with nate and joe list that was one of the best nfc championship games that was an amazing game we should have easily won that was the year the saints won it yeah yeah that's they beat us and then we probably would have i can't remember who they played farve was so fun we've lost three or four nfc championships in my lifetime you know that feeling and you're like after that game you're like i was in college i just got drunk for like a week i told my professors i'm not coming to class that was me being funny dude i canceled we were supposed to do a live

podcast and i just canceled it on the plane yesterday i was like i don't want to do that festival and they're like my agent was like okay because before you're like i was just sad i was like you get a week you get a week come on i mean we're recording this days after yeah yeah we probably should put this out um because and then losing and then leaving vegas you have to just leave early the next morning yeah dang i got up and the airport's insane i'm sure and by the way a lot of niners fans so the first time i went to a super bowl in miami and i watched 49ers lose to the chiefs i had this real big thing about like i'm gonna wear my hat to the airport just to show them i'm gonna show them you've you've beaten me but you

haven't destroyed you haven't taken my hat i still have my hat my hat still stays on my head sorry i still have this little hat my nothing can take this from me so we go uh when i go to the airport in miami there's a group of chiefs fans in front of me and the old black tsa agent this old black dude he's like now now that's a championship group oh he's like look at you guys winning your trophy he's like being super complimented like knives sticking on he's like come on through come on and then he's complimenting them heavily complimenting him yeah he's like what a day you must be on top of the world and then he sees me and he goes i see you big dog repping your colors that's's respectable. You're a real fan.

And that made me feel good. Wow. There we go. Thanks, mister. Say thanks. God, I hate Kansas City. Me too. Because Patrick Mahomes, when I was in Kansas City, I said this on stage, but he's like

just, that's as black as they want him to be. They go, anymore. They're like, we love our Italian quarterback. They're like, we love this guy. His mother's sauce must be incredible. Yes, he's one of the well-spoken ones. By the way, Patrick Mahomes' dad rules. Really?

He got a DUI. I was like, I'm in. His third. I'm in. He got a hat trick. Why are you not getting a driver three days before the Super Bowl? What are you doing? Please ride a bike to the Super Bowl because you can't drive. Why are you driving? That's cool, though. When he beat the Bengals, he was like, we smoking on that Joe Burrow.

He had a cigar. Oh, really? He was a professional baseball player. Oh, really? He was a pitcher for the Mets. Nepo baby. Damn. Everyone's a fucking Nepo baby.

Everyone. God damn. Whatever, man. The Chiefs. Patrick Williams is like one of the best quarterbacks of all time. He is great. He's boring, though. Brock Purdy's boring. I didn't know he was a Bible thumper until a couple days ago that was lame to learn I hate that you look at his face you couldn't notice that you never

know you never know but Patrick Mahomes what makes me laugh is his kermit voice where he's like and we really took it to him and you're like he doesn't have that gruff voice he's not a tough guy at all Brady had a cool voice yeah everyone has a cool voice patrick was like well it was really hard and i really ugly too patrick holmes is like i'm just bashing it chief fans are like come on guys we're fucking well they won we can take him down he's ugly his wife's kind of mid i mean come on and now she's in now i'm ugly too come on we on. We know it. We know it. But losing to them and then going to the airport on Monday, I was like, I'm not wearing a hat. I just don't want to do it.

Oh, you didn't want to go through it. Because everyone's talking to you. They're either jeering you or like, well, I don't know how you feel, man. And Big Jay and I talked when I was at the airport. And he's like, yeah, dude, don't wear a hat. He's like, because either people are going to commiserate with you. You just want to be left alone. You want to be left alone. I don't want you to know who Iate with you. You just want to be left alone. You want to be left alone.

I don't want you to know who I was cheering for. I just want to go home, man. What you would do, you should wear a 49ers mask. A face mask. No one's going to talk to you. Be like, that little pussy likes football? Come on. What the hell?

This libtard's a- Holy shit. I didn't know they let liberals in the Super Bowl. That's crazy. The shakedown on you. Yeah, me showing up, ex-double-masked. Double-masked.

Yeah. And saying like, I got vaxxed. Ask me about my vaccination. Ask me how many boosters I've had. And then a 49er. Yeah. I should put six Band-Aids on my arm. That's why you lost.

Because you couldn't handle it. You guys got vaxxed up. But dude, it was Usher. Usher. You couldn't see it. That sucks. We could kind of it was very well done i was the core this sounds gay but the choreography ripped unbelievable like this cirque de soleil with the roller skates so cool it was really well done it was the oldest and then

that the her came on did that guitar solo that was that was amazing i was rock hard during that that was amazing cleavage finally an instrument i love that hot licks yeah giant cleavage yeah oh god i'm in that rib you could tell it made me feel the oldest i've ever felt i didn't know many of the songs i'll be fair well because the kids behind us we were like are you guys ready for this and they were like they don't really know usher they were like he's old like we know love in this club then that's even 10 years old no that's too old that's god yeah these guys were like early 20s right they wouldn't know any usher they like no yeah but they don't really but they know it's like a joke like i grinded to that song i got my

first boner to courtney roosevelt like that's a huge song for me shout out courtney you remember that come on come on you felt everyone remembered that it was a huge song for me. Shout out, Courtney. Courtney, you remember that? Come on. Come on, you felt that. Everyone remembered that. It was a huge deal at our school. The oldest I felt was getting excited when Luda showed up. Oh, and he did not look good. Oh, I couldn't see him. He did not look good. I'll tell you what, I just heard him on the mic, and I was like, Luda!

And they had Jermaine Dupri there for no reason, really. Well, you knew that. They always have a couple. I hoped, yeah, it was good. I thought Justin Bieber was a couple i i hoped yeah it was good i thought justin bieber was going to show up it was good he was at the super bowl he was there they cut to him on the camera oh damn the funniest one they cut to was they did all the celebrities on the big screen they cut to leo leo didn't even look up from his phone and everyone in his box is like leo you're on it and he was like he doesn't give a shit and he went i'm grooming a 21 year old

please i have other things to do i don't need her to know american history how old are you when's your birthday don't tell me hold up a newspaper yeah oh he goes oh she's a she's a w bush they hold up a kiss cam he's like he can't legally kiss the woman next to him he can he can't sorry guys this can't be on wax yeah i can't put this on officially they keep cutting to taylor at the game uh the the saddest one was not not really they only cut to her a couple times the saddest shit was all the corporate dudes that were there you could see where she was and people were doing this with their phones where they were like they were like they found what box she was in

and they were like they were filming her the what box she was in and they were like they were filming her the whole time that's so embarrassing you're like dude come on so you're at the super bowl yeah what are you that's oh so the only time i did some salty shit the entire game was i told you the kids behind us they're great they're good huge chiefs fans they were they're in they're in chiefs jerseys. They actually cared. They gave such a shit. A couple next to us from the Bay Area, Andre and his wife, I fucked up her name. They were unbelievable.

Yeah. 49ers fans. We were talking to them the whole game. This row in front of us was corporate guys. And one of the guys was wearing a Chiefs hat, but then like a green shirt.'m like i might be with his work buddies he's a chief's fan whatever as the game gets more intense they kind of like they notice che so they're like trying to talk to us and i'm they're like corporate they're real like what's up bros yeah like older guys and they're telling us about their bets and you're like i don't they don't

even care about like we're i'm a we're 49er fans like yeah yeah i don't care about your we got an eight leg parlay come on man oh yeah actually if brock purdy throws three touchdowns i'm gonna win 500 bucks and you're like right right cool so this one guy's wearing a chief's and i go like dude concentrate on the game are you a chief cheese fan he goes i'm actually a panthers fan and i went and i was just mad and i went you know it's like you just put a curse on your team for seven years where they don't need another curse either and that's what he kept saying what's funny is when you say something like that when you talk that's like male magic we make fun of female witches but you're like oh shit i did curse my team we make fun of the brooklyn witches we're like well i hacked my team for eight years dude watching him take it personal and be like at first he's

like yeah yeah and then like there's a time out and he goes you know i i don't think i cursed him because and i got dude this is the rules you just cursed him for seven seasons i can't argue and he keeps being like well i understand what you're saying but it really isn't and then he just keeps telling us about our bets into the fourth quarter he's gonna you're gonna in a month from now he's gonna be hanging from his ceiling fan like curse the panthers i'm sorry there's only one way to turn the curse back i need to kill myself he sorry sharon i did it for the team go go teal and black terrible colors yeah light blue whatever there is he turned around at one point during the fourth quarter where it's crazy intense it's a back and forth game and he just started talking and i just

put my hand in front of his face and i went dude i'm watching the game yeah he just went like okay i've never done anything like that because they're not used they're probably very wealthy and they're not used to people being like we don't want to hear what you have to say pipe down when you heard of my angel capital firm we're angel investors don't you know that i'm the one that got Zoom off the ground? I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. But that was the saltiest thing that I did at the game. That's good.

You got it. You don't wear a jersey that's not your team or a hat. That's lame. How would you ever do that? Ew. That's insane. Ew. Wear your Panthers jersey.

I didn't even understand that. One of the funniest moments from this football season was I wear Dolphins shit for McDaniel. Sure, yeah, yeah. Because he's the coach yeah and i want to support my friend katie is a patriots fan so she doesn't like the dolphins the yeah right right we go to this we go to the dolphins broncos we went to that game yeah yeah and mike's wife was what you went to them where they scored 70 points and mike's wife was like

the night before the game she was hey, if anybody needs some dolphin stuff and she looks at Katie, she goes, Katie, it's a whiteout. Do you need any dolphin stuff? And Katie goes, do I have to? Respectfully. Yeah, yeah. And Mike's wife was like, no.

And Katie was like, I can't. I'm just a Patriots fan. I can't wear any dolphin shit. That's fair. And that's, you don't do that. You don't wear someone else's. You don't pose. Unless you have a reason to.

Right. I would never wear a Green Bay Packers jersey. Absolutely never. But he just bought a hat to be like i'm part of it and he didn't know he didn't realize he was gonna get salty i love that he wasn't even looking at him chan's like get the fuck out of here yeah he wanted nothing he's like that's a loser i don't deal with that he's like actually uh i've been to a couple snl tapings pretty cool and you're like, fuck off, dude. Used to be better. I remember when Will Ferrell was there.

But dude, I wish I would have touched his face. I wish I would have just completely. Just turned it around completely. Or put my fingers on his lips. And gone like. Taking a little nacho cheese. No, no, no. Shut the fuck up.

Shut up. Watch the game, you fool. But I do. Overall. Sounds like a good experience. No, no, no. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Watch the game, you fool. But I do overall. Sounds like a good experience. It was interesting. You got to see Post Malone sing. He was actually pretty good.

I thought he was great. I was shocked. I was shocked. He turned to me after God Bless America and he goes, I think I'm a Post Malone fan now. He could play the guitar and sing. I'm into it. And he nailed it. He always seems very polite and nice.

Yeah, I actually would love to hang out with him. He's wearing Cowboys gear. I don't know. I didn't know he's from Texas. Huge Cowboys fan. Oh, really? Oh, God, I didn't know where he's from. He's a huge Cowboys fan.

Yeah, he seems like a good guy. Reba was looking tight. Reba. Reba's a hot 65-year-old woman. Shutting down. And Alicia Keys looked amazing. It was fun, man. It was cool.

It's a cool spectacle to witness. If you have an opportunity, if it's not going to break you. I would only go if the Vikings were in it. I couldn't go. Go once. I can't imagine we'll ever make a Super Bowl in the next 10 years.

You never know. Maybe. Maybe. Cousins gets it going. You go once. Yeah. I got lucky that I was able to go twice. I've watched two losses. I'm done. I would rather that I was able to go twice. I've watched two losses.

I'm done. I would rather go to like an NBA finals game. If the Timberwolves make it this year, which possibly could, that would be fun. I really tried to. Because there's less at stake because there's more than one game. That's what I mean.

So it's not as like winner takes all. This is all do or die. Yeah, exactly. When we were leaving the stadium, there was at least three kids scream crying. Really? In a way that I understood. They're like eight years old.

They're on Brock Purdy jerseys. Oh, that's their first guy too. Yeah, that's there. That's going to be their Montana. I didn't realize how young Brock Purdy was. He's like 24. Yeah, he's two years old. He almost won a Super Bowl before I had sex.

I was like, he's 25, and this guy's gonna win a fucking super bowl he's gonna hoist the lombardi trophy god damn it i didn't even come before that's crazy when did you start jerking off like 24 25 you just held it yeah i just didn't really i didn't it never crossed my mind i don't know it's weird it wasn't like i don't really know why honestly did it like uh like an android did it like drip out of your time there was a lot of uh nocturnal emissions that they're called medically because your body's like the levy just they would just wash over the dike every once in a while just couldn't hold the ninth ward was getting flooded with cum every once in a while when you start jerking off do your shoulders immediately roll back? Are you like, oh, I'm ready. Oh, yeah.

Your voice changes. You go like, oh, I'm not a falsetto anymore. Sorry. I'm out of the choir. Baby, baby, baby. Let's chill out. I was a lot whiter before that, too. You're like, guys, Guzman.

You have to remember a lot. And then you come and you're like, hey, guys, I'm different. You start smoking. Yeah, man. Come and change. It, come and change me. It did. It really did. How long do we?

Do you want to do the card? Oh, we want to. We're at one six. Oh, damn. We did an hour six? Damn. We should try to keep it to 50. Oh, shit.

Damn. I'm just such a charismatic guy. Sorry, folks. Check out. Sorry, extra content. I'll do the plugs right now. Check out Jeffrey's special alpha on YouTube. The only funny white man.

Is that what it's called? Yeah, it has an alpha sign in the back, but the only funny white man. It's fucking phenomenal. Yeah. We got to go on the road and do. We had some good times. You are fucking hilarious.

Thank you. One of my favorite comics to watch. Oh, hell yeah. Legitimately hilarious. Thank you. Whitecomedian.com. Is that what you got? I bought it a hell yeah legitimately hilarious white comedian.com i bought it a decade ago white comedian.com it's great hundred dollars a year go see jeffrey live one of the funniest comics working right now you