Some More News - SMN: The Oversaturated Hell of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

Hi.Today in the Morevel Somenematic Newsiverse, we rejoin our heroes five years later to talk about giant baby space god eggs and other such nonsense. Support SOME MORE NEWS: http://www.patreon.com/SomeMoreNews We now have a MERCH STORE! Check it out here: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/somemorenews Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/some-more-news/id1364825229 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6ebqegozpFt9hY2WJ7TDiA?si=5keGjCe5SxejFN1XkQlZ3w&dl_branch=1 Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/show/even-more-news Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/somemorenews Visit my exclusive link http://ExpressVPN.com/somenews and you can get an extra 3 months FREE on a one-year package. Grab Liquid I.V. in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to http://LIQUIDIV.COM and use code MORENEWS at checkout. Visit http://Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the TOP of the homepage, and type in MORENEWS and you'll get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.  Visit http://athleticgreens.com/morenews to take control of your health and give AG1 a try. Executive Producer Katy Stoll (@KatyStoll). Written by David Christopher Bell (@moviehooligan) and Cody Johnston. Directed by Will Gordh (@will_gordh). Edited by Gregg Meller. Graphics by F. Clint DeNisco. VFX by Gregg Meller and Cody Johnston. Produced by Nick Mundy. Associate Producer - Quincy Tucker (@LTP313). NYC Background Artist - Casey Redmon. With Special Guest Host Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty). Follow us on social media! Twitter: https://twitter.com/SomeMoreNews Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/SomeMoreNews/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SomeMoreNews/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@somemorenewsSupport the show!: http://patreon.com.com/somemorenewsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thanks for watching! Five years later. Hello, everyone. Here is some of the news for you. As you know, it has been five years since Thanos wiped out half of all the living things in the universe, including our previous host, in order to more equally allot resources and save the environment and life, I guess, in his mind. Now, unfortunately, he did this completely at random and without accounting for the various species and complex ecosystems on the Earth. So sadly, we did have to say goodbye to the giant panda, who by staggering odds were completely eliminated in the snap.

Also, weirdly, the entire country of Spain? I guess? Anyway, it was all very sad and confusing at first. A lot of people were quite angry and couldn't figure out why Thanos simply didn't use his Infinity Gauntlet to better share and allocate resources, or perhaps just change the universe's energy and manufacturing industries in a way that eliminates pollution, or turn rocks into food, or the list of suggestions from survivors of the snap grows every day. They're very creative in this. And yet, according to the journals found on his retirement farmhouse planet, he never once considered any of that as an option, but rather brainstormed other much, much worse ideas, like forcing all societies to move their industry into space, which is

pretty silly stuff. But, you know, I guess that's just the kind of unimaginative thinking you get when you're a sadistic titan, you know? Seems like he was just caught in death. So, in related news, moving on, skip ahead. Tony Stark recently disclosed that before getting vanished, the then-unknown hero Doctor Strange explained that he had looked forward in time to discover 14,605,000 possible outcomes of the Avengers battling with Thanos, having seen only one in which the human race and half of the life

in the universe comes out on top. And that's pretty neat, looking ahead. But I was thinking if he could see into the future, then maybe he could also warn people about specific traps or problems that they would encounter. Like if they almost got a hold of Thanos' gauntlet, and then I don't know, one of their team members suddenly freaked out and blew it at the last second and got the yips and so on. He could warn them to not do that, right? He could probably warn them to not do that. Why doesn't he do that more?

Can he see into the future all the time? It seems like a really powerful tool. But hey, hey, I'm just brainstorming here. Who am I to question this wizard that we only learned just existed? I'm sure I'm sure they did everything they could just, you know, to help. OK, OK. Cut, cut. What's that? Excuse me. I'm going to stop you right there, Alex. This is just a fucking hot mess. You are

bad. Real dog's fart of a host, man. I'm trying my best. You know, how many times do I have to tell you you have got to be madder, like more intense about this, you know? You're angry about the news. That's like the whole show, man. But this is as mad as I get. Well, your mad isn't mad enough. It already sucks that you refuse to get a backdrop or grow your beard. I mean, man, why do you insist on fucking me at every turn here?

I mean, at least clear off the wall. What the fuck is that? Some more coats? You could buy me a backdrop. Um, no, I'm not buying you anything until you get mad. Action, dog fart. Um, uh, well, in other, here is some of the news for you. Ex-Avenger Bruce Banner is still under fire for what was deemed to be a tone-deaf video where he and several other notable celebrities sang John Lennon's Imagine in an attempt to

raise spirits right after the snap. And along with Banner, the video featured many notable figures such as Jane Foster and Scott Summers and also the Winter Soldier. And also the Winter Soldier. I really thought we lost him in the snap. Maybe he taped in advance, pre-tape, just ready to go. That's weird. But the point is, more like the incredible Doltz.

Am I right? Adults. I'm just so angry. I'm angry Adults. I'm just I'm just so angry. I'm angry about it. And speaking of things that get me really provoked, riled scientist Reed Richards has sold off the rights to his snap related show. intentionally similar show to a segment we like to do here on Alex E's Showdy. Richers has been highlighting a lot of superficial headlines, like how Tony Stark gave a single kid a fancy science garage, or when Captain America met with the world's first gay man. And yeah, those are nice stories. But on our Some Fantastic News segment, we try to feature more systemic fantastic news, more core fantastic news, like how Stark has also been seen around the Avengers compound lately and might be working on reversing the snap, or all the talk about possibly legalizing

super soldier serum, or how Norway has begun to allow more and more Asgardian refugees into their borders. You know, you know, like those are signs of systemic changes that still need a lot of critique and exploration, like how America refused to take in anyone from Asgard despite Thor helping fight the New York attack. It's it's kind of not good that we use these people to help us and then ignored them when they needed help back. And this thing and this whole thing with Tony Stark helping that kid, again, very nice of him, real champ. But I don't understand why the rest of us still don't get access to any

of his technology. And he's moved to the woods where he's just out there by himself, getting space, probably growing. Good for him. But it would also be cool to have holographic computers or something. You know, America could really use our own science garage like the child. And I don't want to be too critical here. It's just strange that during this whole snap thing, all of the remaining Avengers have gotten way richer while the rest of us are struggling. And then and then Reed Richards in this new show and this new show. I hear he's using the money to buy the old Stark Tower, which is probably good value for the land. But it's it's kind of upsetting. But also, again, I don't want to make waves too bad.

So, oh, my God, you to make waves too bad. So... Oh my God, you fucking trash pony. You have got to be madder. Say a swear word or something. I'm sorry. I know it's just this. This isn't really what I do. Just say fuck once.

I just want to hear you say it. I'm not gonna say that. Come on, man. Does nothing make you mad? What about all those snap deniers and their anti-snap protests? Yes, yes, that was upsetting All those dipshits claiming that the snap was some kind of hoax I mean, how could they even think that?

Aren't you angry? Yes ma'am, I am angry Remember when they went to protest outside the Avengers compound And accidentally went to Avengers Total Landscaping instead? I do recall that, yes. Okay, so just say the word fuck or cock or pussyface or something. I don't want to. Just imagine you're saying the word horse, but instead of the word horse, you say fuck.

What? I don't know, like, um, we're beating a dead fuck, or that's a fuck of a different color. I think I lost the thread here. Okay, well, find this thread. You're fired. What? But I need this job to live. Well, too bad, shitstick.

Gonna have to get the other puppet instead. For the last time, Katie, I'm not a puppet. Boop. No. Ugh, freaking puppets. Hey, Fist Sack, you there? Oh, hello, Miss Katie. Wombo is just taking a nap in Mr. Cody's laundry because he misses Mr. Cody so much

and also likes using his television and soaps. That's great. Listen, I'm going to need you to host a show for me. Me? Host a show? For you? Yep, that's what I just said. Are you up for that? The pay is three nickels a day plus experience. Also, you get to clean my house. You ready?

Wombo is made ready. All right, idiot. And action. Here's is some news. Here's is some news! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg Mr. Cody, you're back! Oh my god. My insides are dry now? Finally, Wombo gets to be inside Mr. Cody for once. Get out of my house, you little freak! Welcome back, you silly goat! What the hell just happened?

Okay, okay, settle down. So, there was this big space titan guy who got a magic glove and wiped out half the universe. You've been gone for like five whole years. So, I had to run the show by myself, which, by the way, is gonna come out of your pay. Five years? You don't look any older. Ah, thank you. Okay, well, I'm gonna need you to do your job, because it looks like we have news coming out of upstate New York. Can I just, like, lie down for a second?

Nope, just read off the teleprompter. Chop chop, break time is over, lazy pants. Okay, for the love of Thor, just give me a second. For the love of Thor, just give me a second. Alright. So, here's some news. In addition to half of the planet turning to dust and then suddenly coming back, there appears to be some kind of goddamn spaceship hovering over the ruins of the Avengers compound. Great. More ships. Wonderful.

I guess a bunch of aliens have amassed an army led by some kind of giant purple Warhammer character. I'm assuming that's Thanos. And now a bunch of portals are opening with like every superhero coordinating at once. We're getting drone footage of the action right now so I'll just um... Okay, we're not gonna lie, that is, ooh. Even with all my cynicism and critique of the Avengers, that is, that's maybe the coolest thing I've ever seen. Like, it kind of makes up for literally every gripe with the Avengers I've had in the past. Sure, there's probably some neighboring farmhouses and animals that have been completely wiped out

because of this, and no doubt, the entire world is in chaos right this second, but God damn, that is awesome. Look at the, is that Tony Stark's wife in a mech suit? That's fucking cool as turds. Oh dang, that witch lady just messed Thanos up! Now this other green lady just kicked a skeezy dude in the nads. Double dang!

The ship just fucking exploded! Oh, holy heck, that is awesome. He just headbutted this other lady? She didn't even flinch! Spider-Man just murdering people? Wow! Wowee, folks! Ugh! I think all the aliens just turned into dust.

That's probably good. Well, shit, I guess it all worked out. I mean, it was rough, what with a decade of violence and everyone vanishing, but in the end, it seems that Tony Stark ultimately did more good than harm, and everything is finally back to normal. I guess if I ever run into him, I owe him an apology. He's dead. That's a shame.

And now a word from our sponsors. Wow, we have sponsors still, even after the snap. Incredible. Okay, whatever, I guess. Hello, my name is Wombo. Do you have friends who disappeared and then while they were gone, you slid under their door and slept in their clothes and ate their clothes

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Also, if you were just snapped for five years, I guess, welcome back to Earth as well. You must be thirsty. And you know what's great for thirst? Water. Water's great. It's just the bee's knees water is. Perhaps we should guarantee it to every living thing on earth. And if you want water that's even more water than regular water, you should check out Liquid IV, a product that hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone. All you have to do is put one stick of Liquid IV in 16 ounces of

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Stupid Cody expected some kind of turning point for the planet and perhaps a moment of peace. But as you know, that peace literally only lasted eight months before London absolutely exploded. And we'll certainly talk about that. But first, our top story. A runaway bus got super wrecked in San Francisco last week when a fight broke out between one of the passengers and a dude with a glowing machete arm, which resulted in the bus slamming

into several parked cars. Also, a woman's laptop was sliced in half before being politely returned to her. And that's pretty shitty. Is somebody going to pay for her laptop? No word on what the heck that was all about, but I'm sure we'll find out in like a year from now, and it'll have to do with time-traveling vampires

or something. Similarly, another fight was witnessed on the scaffolding of a building in Macau, China, between what appears to be the same bus passenger and a cluster of ninjas. Not the ninjas that Daredevil fought a few years back, either, well, I guess a few years plus five years, but rather an entirely different group of ninjas, not the ninjas that Daredevil fought a few years back either. Well, I guess a few years plus five years, but rather an entirely different group of ninjas.

So that's great, we have multiple ninja gangs now. Also, I guess several witnesses saw the fugitive monster Abomination there, but like he was just hanging out and doing MMA fighting. Like nobody was trying to catch him. And one person swore they saw him having drinks with that monk who hangs out with Dr. Strange. So that's kind of fucked up, right?

Is Abomination just part of their friends group now? That would be pretty messed up. Considering that Abomination once completely destroyed Harlem, killing many people in the process. And now he's just hanging out like nothing happened and nobody cares? I know it was 10 years ago, but I'm pretty sure we still arrest people for mass murder, right? Or is this another case of simply nobody giving a Groot's ass about lower income neighborhoods? I really can't stress this enough. He blew up Harlem, including the Apollo Theater,

and then murdered people. Like at one point, he stepped on a taxi cab and flipped it into his arms like a skateboard, and then smashed the cab into an army jeep full of people. Super rad how you just violently murdered a bunch of soldiers and civilians. I guess we love you now? It's just kind of upsetting, you know, how we've started to rehabilitate and idolize

these murderers and war criminals after Thanos came along. As if him being as bad as he was makes up for the less bad monsters of the past. Take Loki for example, and how he caused scores of deaths and billions in property damage to New York City back in 2012. He literally stabbed a man in the eye during a party in Germany. Remember that? And now we're getting these interviews with Thor about how Loki actually disavowed Thanos before he died and tried to stop him.

But like, dude worked for him before that? Really cool that you now hate Thanos, Loki. Wait to join the rest of the universe way too late. These people need to be held accountable before 10 years from now, we get a bunch of dipshits claiming that Thanos was right all along. You know, there was this moment right after the bl, when it seemed like everyone was on the same page. It was this sort of perspective shift, where everyone realized that billions of lives can end at just the snap of a finger. And when half of the universe was gone, we even realized exactly why Thanos was wrong.

That the problem wasn't, like, too many people, but rather the fact that all of our resources and money were being hoarded by just a few people at the top and maximizing profits superseded humans and humanity. You know, like after the snap, the world governments just started giving people money to live and healthcare and junk. And it turned out that they could have been doing that at any time.

And for those five years, people began to realize that the snap exposed a lot of systemic issues that we could fix, no matter how big or small our population was. Then we got to blip back, all of the heroes returning, and for some reason, that collective realization just sort of faded away.

Everything shifted to this back to shawarma mentality, where the main focus was repolicing the world and bringing back the status quo that put us in this position to begin with. No need for systemic changes, after all. We'll just put a few band-aids on these sweeping societal problems. Thank you all for coming out to support those who have been displaced by the blip. And of course, thanks to our very own Spider-Man! Oh yeah, great job Spider-Man, who I guess is just a high school kid, it turns out.

Way to help the displacement of billions with a Salvation Army charity ball. Good job raising like 500,000 bucks while wearing billions of dollars in exclusive tech from your pal Tony. Tech that you're now using to resume your vigilante patrol of New York. Reinitiating your stop and thwip policy

is like a deterrent for crime. Just web thwipping anybody he de a deterrent for crime. Just web thwipping anybody he deems suspicious. And boy, let me tell you, there are multiple studies showing that stop and thwip disproportionately affects African-American males. Big surprise there. I mean, shit, things have gotten so grotesquely back to normal that even in death, Tony Stark has somehow managed to cause more chaos with random grudges from his past. We're only just getting details about how that Mysterio dude was actually a former Stark industry employee

who got edged out of his own holographic invention. And not only that, but the way he was able to wreak so much havoc was because he got a hold of a massive surveillance and drone program that could literally find anything in the entire world and destroy it within moments. Previously and exclusively owned and operated

by none other than Tony Stark because of fucking course. According to LokiLeaks, after Tony died, he apparently willed the overreacting and dystopian satellite controlled execution program to Peter Parker, you know, the high school kid. He gave the power to spy on and literally kill anyone at the touch of a button to a person who can't legally drink alcohol,

and then that person got conned into giving it away. Holy shit, Tone. I don't know, but perhaps, maybe, possibly, no one should have that kind of power. Seems like something a bad guy could do a lot of damage with. Like, remember how in Lord of the Rings, the entire plot was that they had to destroy the God Ring

and not just hoard it for themselves because that would be incredibly selfish and arrogant. I don't know, maybe there's a lesson there in, you know, books. But of course it all goes back to this authoritarian fantasy of the right and wrong hands. Tony was the right hands. So Tony gets to choose the next right hands

to get his ridiculously overpowered weapons. When someone else uses the infinity gauntlet, it's the wrong hands. But when Tony does it, it's suddenly good. Even though he's literally messing with unfathomable God powers. Time travel, mech suits, super jets, fucking magic. It's only apparently good when possessed by a select few,

even if it's fundamentally changing the laws of reality. Who gave them the right to time travel and change history? You might have even heard about how Steve Rogers went back to the 50s and decided to just get married and dick around, and boy, who knows how many lives he affected by doing that. How many babies didn't get born because Cap felt like finger banging the space time continuum

for his retirement plan. No one seems to care. So yeah, back to normal, I guess. Super. Breaking news. Oh my goodness and me oh my, this just in, a giant city-sized floating base just crashed from the sky over Russia like 10 years ago.

And I guess we're just now learning that happened. Seems weird that we're talking about this now and no one noticed it before. It's like a really big facility too. Seems like crashing from the sky would cause a big disaster like how when Sokovia almost crashed into the ground, it was this big deal and this time not so much. That's weird.

I bet if we knew about this when it actually happened, it would have given us a deeper appreciation for future events and whoever was involved with said events. Oh well. Anyway, let's cut to commercials again. Woosh! Hi again, it's me again! My name is Wombo and G-Boy.

Wombo has had a lot of time to himself since Mr. Cody was gone for all those years. Wombo had to keep himself busy, and a lot of the time I would write letters to Mr. Cody, telling him how much I missed him, and then mail the letters to, um, just places that Wombo knew the address of, like the bank, and the grocery store, and the doctor's office, and the hardware store, and the grocery store, and the hardware store and the grocery store and the gun store and so wombo use stamps.com to send all the letters stamps.com is great for any wombo who needs to send a lot of letters but doesn't want to deal with the post office another place that wombo may have missed the cody letters too and with my promo code more news you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage

and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts and no traffic or driving because Wombo can't drive. And you get exclusive discounts on postage and shipping from USPS and UPS and Wombo loves you. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in MORENEWS. That's stamps.com and then MORENEWS to start sending letters to the bank and the grocery Hey there. Hi, my name's Katie.

You know, it can get pretty annoying when the primary host of the show you produce does something pretty inconsiderate like, I don't know, vanish into billions of ashen particles. You got to find a new host. And then if that new host isn't working out, you have to threaten them a lot. And it's honestly, it's just a ton to focus on, which is why I frequently forget to eat my greens or take my daily vitamins. But that is why there is AG1 by Athletic Greens, the category-leading superfood product that contains 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food sourced ingredients

in just one tasty scoop. I sure endorse AG1 on like a personal level and to prove my loyalty, watch in amazement as I consume the product. Mm. See how I enjoy the product that I, Katie Stoll, use? Honestly, this is actually a really great way to start your day and to get your daily nutrients without eating a bunch of pills. It's very convenient. I love to wake up and drink one first thing in the morning and then I'm done. I don't have to worry about it. And that's really neat. I can get on with my day of emailing employees pictures of Thanos

with the slogan, you could be next. It's tons of fun. I'm a cool boss. Anyway, if you're interested, Athletic Greens is going to give you an immune supporting free one year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase if you visit athleticgreens.com slash more news today. That's athleticgreens.com slash more news to take control of your health and give AG1 a try. It's a drink, and I endorse it. Good evening, cigarette lovers. This is your news moldy, Cody K. Johnston. Here's some news for you. The fat city fuzz known as S.H.I.E.L.D. has apparently become S.W.A.R.D. now. Early reports indicate that literally nothing else has changed except the name, even though S.H.I.E.L.D. was infiltrated by the Krauts back in the war.

Ain't that a bite? Don't adjust your cheaters, folks. Despite their apple butter and flim flam assurances, this news cat suspects this S.W.A.R.D. mambo jambo is yet another overreacting shadow group sure to overstep Uncle Sam. Just another big tickle for Jerry and his goose-stepping army. Cigarettes. Ah, Jeepers Creepers got some bad vibes in the head, man. What was I talking about? Oh, right, S.W.O.R.D., which sure seems like S.H.I.E.L.D. now, dig it? Like, here's some grooves.

Once again, we're being told that these new government turkeys are the right hands to handle all this far out tech in Vision's dead body but like, isn't that what they said about S.H.I.E.L.D.? They want us to think everything's sound as a pound but this jive talker thinks we should flat lever these bozos dipping into our national Kool-Aid you get me? Also, did I

always have these sideburns? Something's freaky deaky young blood I got a skitty. Owie! Our top story tonight a continued continued expose we hear at Cody's Reporties are calling, What's going on with Vision's dick? What's going on with Vision's dick? Does he have one? If he does have one, then did somebody build it for him?

He is a robot, right? Did they give him, like, a robot penis when they constructed him? He also seems to have the ability to willfully generate synthetic material such as clothes and the appearance of human skin, so that stands to reason he can also make himself a rock-hard penis. But is it functional? Can he make sperm, or at the very least, feel himself having a cum? Can Vision orgasm with his synthetic dick, or is it entirely a one-sided thing? And if that's the case, does his partner feel weird about that?

Kind of like making love to a robotic sex doll at that point, in this reporter's opinion. Ow, my entire brain! What just happened? Feels like everything was black and white a moment ago. And I think it was briefly racist too. Oh, okay. I'm now just getting word that in a fit of sorrow after the death of the Vision,

Wanda Maximoff created a bubble universe based on old sitcoms she used to watch and also some new ones too for some reason. Also, Vision is alive again. And before they could deal with their mildly compelling interpersonal conflict, they instead had to fight a witch together. So yeah, Wanda fought a witch and then went into hiding,

having never gotten over her grief. So I guess none of that actually mattered, actually. Seems like we might be spinning our wheels here, but it was pretty neat when I was all old timey, huh? Cool gimmick for sure, very entertaining. Weird that dead people are now just randomly coming back to life. It's like we're living in some fantasy world

that's collapsing or something, you know? Kind of like Wanda's telepathy prison. None of it seems particularly stable and we're sort of buying back a lot of big offers from before, in terms of the world we all live in, I mean. Like, did you hear about how Sam Wilson was offered Steve Rogers' shield right after he time traveled and got really old?

Well, it sure seemed like he was just gonna be the new Captain America, but then all this news came out that he rejected the offer even though he really seemed like he was gonna take it. Then for a few weeks, he fought a bunch of terrorists and ended up becoming Captain America anyway, as expected. So like, what was the point of doing that? I don't know, it all just seems like a microcosm

of everything I've been talking about, where we have these flag smashers who, despite committing horrible murders, sure seem to have a point about uniting the world and helping each other in times of need and so on. But of course, we're not going to listen because they're bad. And then this news came out about the systemic racism behind the super soldier program and by extension America. And yet Sam Wilson still decided to be Captain America in the end, and it just feels like nothing's actually going to change. And of course, Zemo is apparently good now

because we can't stop rehabilitating all of these old monsters. It just seems like we're stuck in this loop where we almost learn some kind of lesson, but not enough to change anything. Like we can't because if we did, then there would be no more need for superheroes or something like that

And hey, we're still having lots of fun But it kind of feels like we need something new and exciting to happen soon or else breaking news Ha ha ha here we go breaking news some sort of giant God baby robot has half exploded out of the Indian Ocean. That's got to at least fuck up the sea levels, right? Probably a really big problem for the planet, actually. We're getting our first glimpses of what appears to be just a big, cool-looking piece of bullshit

that I'm now being told has existed inside of the Earth's core since the beginning of life on this planet. Seems weird that nobody noticed that with all the wizards and space gods and tech geniuses walking around, but I guess we're not gonna question that or them. Also, the ensuing earthquakes and ground displacement must have been apocalyptic. Even if this was an avoided disaster, it sure seems like the damage has been done.

Okay, and I'm just getting word that there is a small cluster of alien robot gods who have been living on Earth in secret this entire time. As in, since civilization began on Earth, and I guess just chose not to help out with any of our wars or Thanos because they swore not to interfere with human evolution, except to occasionally invent the engine and also nuclear bombs? Well, that makes a frustrating lack of sense. Why would they invent society-changing and often destructive devices, but randomly decide to not help with other conflicts?

And like, if they were theoretically here to protect the population of Earth so the robot god baby was born, then surely they would involve themselves in an event that would potentially wipe out half of us. I don't know, I'm just spitballing, but it seems kind of stupid and poorly planned out, if I'm being honest. Also, really seems to rob all of humanity of their agency and innovation to say that we didn't

invent the fucking engine or even basic farming tools. Did we do anything? Maybe time will tell. Did we do anything? Maybe time will tell. And hey, speaking of time. At which point the celestial controlled robot Icarus flew directly into the sun. Get it? Because his name was Icarus. Wow, that's extremely silly.

So to recap, Earth's timeline was brutally maimed today when a group of Eternals revealed themselves to have been living on Earth this whole time, despite none of that making much sense. According to their now dead leader, Ajak, this was brought on by a group of deviants being released from a glacier due to the Earth's heating caused by its celestial core waking up. So I guess climate change wasn't real after all.

Just one more human effect we're now learning wasn't actually their doing, along with inventing the engine, plow, nuclear bomb, probably a bunch of other stuff. And in fact, most atrocities turned out to be Hydra, and like a bunch of other outside aliens completely influencing and ultimately destroying their culture. All these Skrull sightings and the Kree experiments. And yet for some reason, our Time Variance Authority Academy still refused to teach critical space theory. As if that's going to somehow shame everyone

for being a chrono monitor, or he who remains forbid a variant. But hey, at least we got rid of all those goddamn radioactive deviants, am I right? Goddamn menace. I heard one of them ate Shakira. And if you're just tuning in, the deviants are a group of genetically engineered

immortal monsters that are celestial space gods crafted specifically to wipe out the apex predators on any given planet so that more evolved species could thrive in order to feed baby celestials as they gestate within that planet. But the Deviants were so strong and good at slaughtering, they evolved to take on the traits of those apex predators and became apex predators themselves

because the celestials didn't think of that. Also, the evolution happens pretty quickly, so it's weird they didn't catch on right away, but so then they had to invent a species of synthetic Eternals to go down to these planets and kill all the deviants they sent to kill the apex predators. Like swallowing a cat to catch the mouse you swallowed

because you ate a spider. Only in this case, you're some kind of all-knowing space god and you so want this planet to get destroyed by a robot baby god, that you decide to tell just one out of 10 Eternals that their mission is to protect a planet until it's destroyed. So the rest create strong thousands of your

emotional attachments to the planet and humanity. Anyway, we have gotten a hold of Celestial Erisham's journal which reads solely, "'Tell all the Eternals the plan at the beginning "'so they're okay with it, but it's crossed out.'" I don't know, maybe if I found these synthetic Eternals compelling or fun to watch, I wouldn't be questioning the logic of all of this.

Like how when one of them invented the engine, no one else seemed to know what it was, despite everyone having arrived there on a literal spacecraft. Why wouldn't they know what an engine is? They're from space. And is this like something they do every time they visit a planet? Invent engines and shit? They clearly know what guns are because one of them does like pew pew finger guns.

Not sure how we got that news footage, but we're the TVA or some junk, so grow up! Who gives a shit? Everything just seems weird and inconsistent now anyway. Like if some of these Eternals randomly swapped allegiances or motivations without so much as a warning, if perhaps one of them at the last minute was like, hey everyone, this isn't my fight and left even though up to that moment, he sure seemed like he was going to fight

or like two of them start fighting each other and one of them says something like, I've always wanted to fight you and another is like, I've always wanted to clip your wings. Icarus. But there was no indication they disliked each other before. And boy, I thought they were friends until this moment. Anyway, just some random examples of how perhaps if I,

a reporter for the TVA, were watching these people as like characters in a movie, I might grow confused and disinterested in them. Especially if everything was out of order and things like who likes who and what people do and want are kept secret. Or if for two and a half hours, the tone is very serious and brooding,

and then suddenly a pop star and a troll voiced by Patton Oswalt show up. That would be very tonally weird and inconsistent. Or like if they set up a romantic arc at the very beginning between one of them and a mortal and then completely forgot about the mortal until the very end, it might seem weird. Especially if that character turned out

to just be there to set up another future film, it would sure seem like they're just cramming all this extra stuff in a really sloppy way. And maybe not everything needs to be so interconnected because eventually it starts getting really contradictory and the logic just falls apart or everything just seems like a pointless prelude to something else.

Like how in WandaVision, they sort of crammed Monica Rambeau in there just so they could set up her superpowers. I mean, if WandaVision was the name of a TV show and not a series of real events I'm reporting on. This is all totally hypothetical. Exactly. What was I talking about?

Oh, right. How everything humans did was actually the effort of an outside party. Also how everyone keeps coming back from the dead and everything is confusing now. So basically nothing matters or makes sense. And it turns out that humans never had any power or influence to begin with.

The species as a whole was simply twisting in the wind this whole time. The moral being that not everyone can be a hero after all, but rather a special privileged few endowed with wealth, technology, and power. Humans have absolutely no agency beyond serving as faceless swarms running from one disaster to the next,

hoping not to die. Because while demigods like Loki and Vision, and let's face it, probably Tony Stark in some form, don't actually die. Everyone else does. Even Gamora came back, which is weird, because that would make her a variant, but we here at the TVA don't seem to mind

or care to do anything about her. You know, we're just happy she magically came back and is conveniently no longer attracted to Peter Quill, so their character arc completely resets, and they have to buy that back. Can't have too much progress or that would be scary. Remember how sad and dramatic and shocking her death was? Well, turns out it didn't matter.

They get to have their cake and eat it too by killing off characters in really emotional ways, but then not actually killing them off, so why should we care? Again, no idea where we got that news footage or why it has music over it, but what does it matter? If they're not gonna try, then why should we? Sure, it's all fun to watch,

but it just seems like a really dumbed down, bumper bowling version of storytelling, and perhaps we should mind when our intelligence is being insulted like that. Side note, to get the Soul Stone, you have to sacrifice someone you love, which is why Gamora tried to kill herself before Thanos could, so he wouldn't get that kill,

and thus her sacrifice wouldn't be his, so he wouldn't get the Soul Stone. But then Hawkeye was holding onto Black Widow and he didn't let her go, sacrificing her, but rather she forced herself down that cliff, killing and sacrificing herself. So technically, she would have gotten that kill. So Hawkeye shouldn't have actually gotten the soul stone

from that, right? Anyway, the point is this is the infinity war, the forever war, you see. Characters die, battles are won, and then through some completely random magic or tech device with no clear rules to it, they're brought back and reset because nothing can actually ever end. And these movies will never go away.

Events, I mean, not movies. Did I say movies? I meant events. This is real life. You know, now that we have time travel in the multiverse and the ability to just go back and claim that Eternals were just here all along, it sure seems like there are absolutely no stakes

and nothing matters and everything is just getting more meta and compounding with weaving contradictions that will never pay off or be resolved or even addressed and we got like these what-if cartoons with zombies and all these different timelines, I guess those are like our historical multiverse documents that the TVA animated for some reason. Sure, fine. Whatever, man. And now that new Spider-Man is gonna like merge all of the previous Spider-Man movies even though that's a completely different canon So now not only is our universe completely inconsistent and jumbled But I guess all of those other movies are too?

Like why would there be three different people named Peter Parker with the exact same family and radioactive affliction But they look different for some reason? Wouldn't they all look like versions of the same person? I don't know, I guess it's like variants or something. No need to think about it too hard and just enjoy these ridiculously soft science fiction concepts. Once again, made even more flimsy by this compulsion to tie every single movie together.

Even the unrelated ones made decades ago or under a completely different studio because Venom is certainly gonna show up too, but not the Venom from the Raimi films and Morbius will probably be there and fight Blade and maybe some X-Men will crawl out of the multiverse hole and team up with Black Knight and it'll all lead to the Fantastic Four

who will eventually team up with the Guardians of the Galaxy assuming we're still making those and those guys will be hanging out with Thor until his contract runs out or until everyone just gets bored and it all sort of fades out when people move on to like, I don't know, the new matrix or some other movie series. Sorry, not movies.

This isn't a movie. I mean, another multiverse. And Dr. Strange will probably bring it all together, right? Wanda's back and it'll tie all the television shows, I mean news reports and the multiverse plot lines together. Kind of wish we knew what happened there before filming this, as that seems like kind of a linchpin for a lot of these most recent events.

I guess we'll see. Haven't seen it yet. Hasn't come out yet. The multiverse of madness hasn't come out, or news report, or whatever. This is all a news report, I guess. This multiverse shit, man, they're really selling us on how it's gonna tie everything together!

Exclusively in movie theaters. Yeah! Everything will be revealed! Don't worry if nothing makes sense yet. We swear we'll figure out how to jerry-rig this monster franchise into something that resembles a logical plot. I don't know, I'd be lying if I didn't think the new Spider-Man looked extremely fun. I mean, it's already out when you watch this. Maybe it'll blow us all away and save the MCU.

Like, it'll be really cool to see the Green Goblin and Doc Ock again. Like, you just know Toby will be there. He better be or else what are we doing? Fuck, that's gonna be so cool to see Toby and Andrew Garfield and maybe they'll kiss or find a way to tie in the Spider-Verse.

That new Spider-Verse looks really good too. And like, I don't know, maybe No Way Home will fill in these plot holes. Did you see it yet? Again, we recorded this before it came out, so we couldn't really talk about it much, but I hope the me from the future likes it. Maybe we can cram a clip of me having just seen it

before we released this. Do we have a clip of future me reacting to Spider-Man No Way Home? Pretty good. Oh yeah! Thanks future me. Hope you liked it. Or not. Doesn't matter. There are just so many upcoming Marvel projects, and that's cool, right? I'm super excited for Blade and Thor 4. Then there's the next Black Panther, the Marvels, Ant-Man 3, Ms. Marvel, Moon Knight, Captain America 4, She-Hulk, fucking the Guardians Holiday Special, Secret Invasion, another show just called Wakanda, that Agatha show they just announced,

Armor Wars, a Spider-Man prequel cartoon that explores his origin because we need more of that, something called I Am Groot, a whole series based on Marvel zombies, whatever Echo is, Ironheart, and like more scenes of Loki. Holy hell! Yeah, we all love Loki now, even though he was the villain before, but again, whatever, I guess. I mean, fuck it, you know? This is just gonna keep on going forever. Infinity! Despite the biggest event with Thanos already having happened. Like, how do you even top that? I guess Galactus, He Who Remains, aka aka Kang that might be pretty badass Maybe Thanos will come back and help fight him and be like good now because fuck it

Nothing makes sense and I couldn't care less about any of the characters or logic anymore, but like still looks like a lot of fun Okay You hear me Marvel your shit looks fun looks fun. There, I said it. You officially broke me. Congratulations, I guess. It's all gonna be fucking great. I love it. Seriously, I can't wait to see Mahershala Ali as Blade. Ten more years. Let's do this. I don't care. Boy, sorry this whole episode sort of fell apart, but I guess that kind of works, with the theme of stuff starting really strong and then dragging on and failing to deliver.

This is just a green screen, by the way. I'm not actually in the TVA, but you probably figured that out. Good for you. Okay, have a great year. All right, look, I'm not going to read the comments, so don't comment if you got some bullshit detail about Marvel that we got wrong and you want to let us know, all right?

I'm not going to care. Love you, bye! Wow, hello, we did it! Thanks for watching all of this, and make sure to like and subscribe and do all the YouTube stuff that you know about. We've got merch with Wormbo on it. We've got a patreon.com slash some more news. You can listen to this as a podcast or our other podcast, Even More News. And I guess that's the end of that. Here's super soldier serum in your eye.