Something Was Wrong - S1 Ep2: It Was Weird

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

*Content Warning: gaslighting, domestic abuse, emotional and physical abuse, distressing themes. Music from Glad Rags album Wonder Under

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This podcast is intended for mature audiences and could be triggering to some. Please use discretion when listening. Domestic abuse is the slow and methodical process of breaking a woman's spirit, tearing down her self-esteem, decision-making, relationships, and just about every other aspect of her independence from her abusive partner. The goal of domestic violence is surprisingly not only to hurt a woman, but to control her. Abusive behavior isn't a symptom of anger. It is a belief system that women are less than possessions. Some abusers can achieve their goal of complete power, and control without ever needing to raise their voice. Physical violence is typically the last stop on the domestic violence train to hell. The power of those magical early months for an abuser is that

they serve as a tool to entrap their partner and gain power and control. This behavior is sometimes called love bombing, which is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. Not only does it feel great to have someone constantly telling you how amazing you are, But it also lowers your inhibitions, making you easier to manipulate. And by the time the abuse begins, women often start to question what's wrong with them or what they have done to have caused this huge shift in their relationship. I'm Tiffany Reese, and this is Something Was Wrong. But my first clue was everything was,

Too perfect. Here's Sarah's parents, Greg and Rose. There isn't a topic we could bring up that he didn't know about. And I've always been one that felt if somebody knows everything about everything, they probably really don't know anything. That's all the big cover-up. Or they're so insecure they have to convince you that they didn't know everything. So it's to not reveal the truth that I'm an idiot kind of thing.

If we're getting ready to barbecue some steaks, oh, I know how to barbecue a steak. One time we were smoking ribs, and he actually took over the rib-smoking project right here. And I thought, this is my house. He's in my ribs. But I thought, hey, he acts like he's a, I'm just learning. He's the expert. He's the expert.

I'm going to let him do it. He ruined the ribs. Literally ruined the ribs. Did he think they were good? Was he like, aren't they good? Oh, no, he had excuses for, I don't remember now what the excuses were. It's something about the wind blowing the fan, the fire out on the burner or something. I don't remember, but he had some excuses.

What was the other thing? Oh, wait, it didn't matter if we were talking about hunting, camping, cars. One of the first things he did when he found out I was into cars is he started playing videos of race cars. Remember the race cars going around the edges and almost running the tires off the cliffs on TV, YouTube stuff? Which was really fascinating. I thought, where did you find that? I love watching this stuff. He knew that. Once he learned that and he used it. So once we got to talk about smoking meat, good to talk about Irish whiskey. He brought it over. He started talking about coffee. He started talking about all these weird coffees.

I lived with two girls and they're awesome. One I just got really, really close to. And the other, we never became best buds. And he really, really went out of his way to hang out with, talk to, and get to know my close roommate. I talked about her nonstop. I mean, he would walk into the kitchen, she'd be cooking and he'd be like, what's up, champ, what's going on? And he would really, I mean, he would get very personal.

Just a heads up on this clip, the audio quality isn't great. I apologize in advance. Here is Sarah's roommate at the time, Karen. It was like Sarah had to tell him, when you talk to my parents, can you, like, slow down a little bit? We start thinking, well, maybe we can't hear well, maybe we just can't track with them. Maybe we're a little slow. But she told him that he had to slow down. Who wants to admit they're too dumb to understand what you just said, so you just go quiet?

We didn't know what question to ask because he just spent such a conversation. If I asked a question, I feel like I asked a question that. he already answered and he would look at me like, I told you, you know, so I'm just not going to ask the question. Kind of avoided a lot of interaction with him. Here's Sarah's sister, Emily. Just as not like, he was a hard guy to talk to if you're not as intense as him or if you don't, if you're not as, I don't even want to say educated.

He just, he pretended to know so much about so much. You couldn't level with him. He was not level with a bowl. His mom, I mean, I don't know how much, you know, I want to say. say, but there was some emotional kind of instability there, and he knew it, and he'd talk about it. Whenever he was mistreated, he handled it like a rock, just very level, very loving, very consistent. He received a lot of abuse that I witnessed that was shocking to me because I was very sheltered. I didn't, I know it's common, but I didn't experience the same version of what he did.

So when I saw it play out between them, he handled it really, really well. So whenever I would see dysfunction, yes, I would see the dysfunction, but I would see the character with which he handled it. I'm not going to not marry somebody because the family has problems. Every family has their stuff. So I wanted to look at how he handled his own family's stuff. And he did it like a champ. So anyway, found out later, it is good to pay attention to the brand of dysfunction because that does get passed along certain ways. If that person has not. dealt with it. I had a few people around me that had been in dating relationships for so long, and I didn't want that. Like, that was the other extreme, where I'm just like, it kind of looks like you're spinning your reels and you don't know what you want. So I kind of had like A and B over here. Didn't want B, so I'm going to choose A. I remember when he came and asked me for Sarah's hand, and I told him I felt he was a godsend, because everything, Sarah, from the time she started thinking about me and started creating a list of attributes and what this individual is going to have. And she's modified it over the years, but you don't expect somebody to find that at 30 years old.

You expect that guy to have been grabbed up many, many years ago. So I actually felt the time when I finally got sold on the idea and got past all my hesitations that he was like, God's sin. Why are we giving God credit for answering our prayers? Why are we so skeptical? We've asked for this. Here it is. So that's kind of how I transitioned into, you know, it's a gift, accepted.

We met September 14th, and we got engaged on January 20th. It's quick. Not that I would necessarily condone this, but at the time I had what I thought was everybody's support. Here's Karen. Here's Emily. Because I didn't like the guy. I wasn't sure why I didn't like the guy, so I pretended to like the guy. And Sarah was also strange throughout the whole planning process. So that's also why it felt weird was I kept on telling myself, this is her first time being a bride. So there's no like normal way that a bride is supposed to act if it's their first wedding. So I kept telling myself, well, this is how Sarah does it. So I used to be a wedding photographer.

I was around a lot of weddings, a lot of brides, and a lot of, even from the very, very beginning, because I was a wedding photographer when your friend gets engaged and you are a wedding photographer, they think you know everything. So they go to you and they're like, oh, my gosh, I just got engaged. What do I need to do? And so I have experienced a lot of weddings from square one, from engagement all the way down to the wedding day. So I know what most brides act like. And I've been in a wedding. I've been a maid of honor for two weddings. So I know, I know what it feels like. And with Sarah, it was

different. She was, um, she wasn't the classic bride that's like all about the planning, all about having everybody involved. And the wedding goes shopping, having your mom and your maid of honor there. And, you know, the venue shopping and deciding all these things where you just kind of, it kind of is, in real life, it kind of is movie-esque, you know? It is kind of how you picture it. But with Sarah, it wasn't. She did a lot of it by herself. She didn't talk about a lot of it. If you were to ask my mom, I think she would agree that it was just very, just felt strange. Watching her tried the dress on, just nothing felt right.

And I thought, is this what it's supposed to feel like? Aren't I supposed to be overjoyed? She looks gorgeous. Look at that dress. Look at her face. Look at, I was like numb. And I thought, what's wrong with me? Why don't you feel joy?

What's wrong with you? I wanted to be very, very sensitive to the fact that this is our wedding. It's not my wedding. He also is very creative. He's got a designer's eye. And he apparently had already had Pinterest formed of his dream wedding, his dream house. And so he's kind of one of those rare guys that really looked forward to the planning process. And I didn't see anything wrong with it. I thought that was awesome. And one of his dreams was to design his future wedding invitations. And I was like, praise God, take this off of my plate. Because I'm so, you know, insecure and indecisive when it comes to stuff like that. When it came down to doing the invitations, we're on the computer and I was like,

please do this and he would say, nope, it's your, it's your thing, like pick what you want. We kind of got an argument and I said, babe, please do this. First of all, I know it's your dream. Second of all, I don't the pressure and I'm going to love whatever you pick and we kind of got an argument over it. And he forced me. He's on the computer and he's hovering over two options and he's like, A or B, A or B. And I'm like, A, because he was about to pick, you know, B or something like that. And before I know it, you know, I've designed these invitations and I find out later, well, it's not what he would have chosen, but it's my wedding. So he really wanted me to have what I wanted. And I went, wait up. I said, hold up, wait a second. I specifically told you, do this. I want you to do this. And he said,

no, you did not. You were passive about it. You made it seem like, well, I'll give you this one thing. And I went, babe, no, I said, dear God, would you take this off of my plate? And then instantly, he goes, now, if you would have put it that way, if you'd have been that clear and actually communicated what you thought you were communicating, I would have done it, but you didn't. What, what you actually communicated was, well, here, I'll throw you a bone. I'll let you do the invitations. And I thought in my mind, are my words that different from what I'm saying in my head? Because what I just told you was what I said and felt in that moment on that day, but you're telling me that you heard and received something completely different. So this became a pattern, which I found out

later, is called gaslighting, where someone makes you feel crazy and they make you feel like you said something you didn't. Or you said something that they actually said. When we met with the DJ, and I told them, you came across as a butt. I mean, lean back, arms folded, wanted to be any way. I wanted to be anywhere but there. D.J. would ask a question and he would go, I don't know, I'm just doing whatever I'm told. I don't. He would say, this is the first time that I have been told that I have an opinion or something like that. I thought, oh my gosh, we're looking like that couple right now. He was kind of playing the typical, like, exhausted groom. He was like, I'm just along for the ride. If you ask anybody that was closely involved with the planning process, they would say, even my

sister, she would tell me, you were not a bright, like, I said, I would say, was I, like, seriously tell me, was I bridesale? She'd like, mm-mm. And I was opinionated on some things, but there were other things where I could have afforded to be more opinionated. I even told people like, I don't know, where would you want? I don't care. The DJ, uh, super awesome guy. Like, later I actually texted him and I was like, sorry. Because the DJ would look at him and be like, you know, you can choose what you want.

Like, what song do you want for this part or whatever? And he would, my fiance would say, well, honestly, that's the first time I've heard that. I didn't know that that was the way this worked. And I don't like slap the table, you know, but I don't want to look like this dysfunctional couple in front of our potential DJ. So I'm trying to be aware of. the situation while I would look over and I would be like, babe, we have that conversation. I kept asking you and I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha. He was absolutely serious and I was mortified.

I was so embarrassed. And later, the first time ever when we walked away, I kind of reprimanded him. And I told him, that was embarrassing. But I also, I was too gentle. I could have been more firm. But I was just like, I approached it like, I don't want people to get a bad impression of you or a wrong impression of your heart. I know that that's not what you meant to communicate.

But just so you're aware for next time, the image that you. you gave was that you would have rather been anywhere else but there and that you do not enjoy the process and that you have been shoved out. On that note, do I make you feel shoved out? No, no, everything's fine. Totally no. What? I communicated that. I didn't know. No big deal. Move on. At the beginning of our relationship, I found out he told me he did this. He used to kind of poke at me and he would, we'd be in the car and he would bring up something like, um, why I wanted a short ceremony in our wedding. And I would say, well, because nobody really remembers the ceremony after like 20 minutes. So everybody starts shifting in their chair.

Unless there's something very significant. Ceremony is a ceremony. And he would say, oh, so you're really not in the wedding for the biblical part of it or the part that is the most important. You just want to get drunk and party. And I'm like, no. Yes, but no. I do want to get drunk and party.

But, I mean, I want the ceremony. And he would be like, well, is God at the center of this? Because that's the only time at the wedding where you are acknowledging the vow that you're taking. So are you valuing? We're in the car. I was kind of getting worked up going, yes, but no. But yes. And later he starts laughing.

And I'm like kind of like upset and worked up, but I don't know why. He goes, ugh, your reaction was hilarious. Like, and I go, wait, what? And he was, yeah, I was just trying to get a rise out of you. He goes, I just wanted to see how far you'd go. Alyssa shared with me about an Instagram conversation that she had with Dick on feminism. I posted a New York Times article, like some screenshots of a New York Times article. And it was actually pretty, it was pretty tame.

It was written by a man. It was implying that men could take a cue. from feminism in that men should let them give themselves permission to be whatever kind of man that they want to be, whether that's an emotional man or, uh, you know, whatever particular career or stay at home or whatever. And he said something like, oh, well, we shouldn't take a cue from feminism. Um, we need to tap into God's perfect design for men and women. And I said something like, I'm a pretty staunch feminist. I'm going to be a hard sell. And he said something to the effect of, I know you are and I like having these kinds of conversations, which is why I

reached out to you. I'm like always up for a conversation. So, you know, like, okay, cool. And he wasn't being with the second response. He seemed sincere, like, wanted to talk. And so I live, I was just like, I think that this, what this article is saying is what I just told you. You know, men could take you from feminism and which would benefit both men and women. And The point of feminism. He was talking about God's perfect design for men and women as spelled out in Genesis, the first book of the Bible. And I basically said, A, I don't think that the creation story has much to say in the ways of roles of men and women.

Also, what the Bible has to say is not of utmost importance to me. So that's just not really the point you're trying to make isn't going to sway me because I don't really prioritize what the Bible has to say. Eventually, he just kind of stopped responding. There was a weird mental pattern that was forming where I would state an opinion or state something that I just took to be common sense. And he would question it. And just enough to make me go, or just enough a way to make me go, oh, maybe my idea of

common sense isn't everybody else's. You know, like when you travel to a different country and then you realize you're an American, you don't know you are until you see it contrasted against a different culture. You'd just think this is the way everybody lives. The way I see the world is the way everybody else sees the world. But here to make the comment of, oh, sweetie, you know, that's constantly point out that I was raised in a bubble. And I was. Here's Sarah's parents, Greg and Rose.

We could see her not only pulling away from us and her, but in a number of areas in her life, she was changing her opinion. What's okay to eat or drink or what's okay to believe or what's not okay to believe? He was slowly, I don't know if it's brainwashing or just condensating. Dismantling her? dismantling, her belief system, and her just a number of things, just slowly picking away at it. And she was going along with her. She was drinking a little bit of the coolie. Yeah. But there was a little bit of a tilt. Like she told us afterwards that there were times when she'd kind of raise an eyebrow and then go, well, okay.

And then she'd think, well, maybe it was her own defect, so that she would just have to work on it. And he got it so that he would turn whatever was wrong into her issue, that she was either being judgmental or not merciful. or not gracious enough or whatever. And so then she'd examine herself and think, I just need to improve in that area. So he would spin a web. She no longer had a strong opinion about anything. Emily again.

Like if we were at home talking about what we should do, she would just go along with it instead of argue with me about it. When I know whatever it is or we were trying to decide, she would absolutely normally have a strong opinion about. But she all of a sudden didn't, and she would just go along, go with the flow. and Sarah is not a co-with-the-flow kind of person. I love her to death, and she's got lots of great qualities,

but that is not one of them. And so I was like, what the heck? Since when has it been so easy to plan something with you? Or she just wouldn't fight against anything. Like when we went to Cabo after the whole thing blew up, we were in the hotel room or the suite, and I wanted it really cold. I wanted the AC down really, really far,

so that when we walked back into the room from being hot, it would feel really good. And she didn't like it like that, So she said, oh, it feels kind of cold in here. And I said, don't touch it. I like it like this. It's 72. I want to sing at 72 because I'm used to fight back there.

And as soon as I said that, she was like, okay. She walked away and I was like, what the fudge? Who am I talking to right now? She didn't fight it. She didn't put up any kind of fuss. And I actually didn't like it. It made me really uncomfortable that she just let me win like that. And I was like, what the heck?

So I turned the AC up a little bit. And I thought, who are you? What has this piece of shit done to you? And things like that happened all the time, and it wasn't like it made my life easier so I liked it. It actually made me really, really angry because I thought, what the crap have you done to my sister? She was very firm in what she wanted before. And yeah, it caused me to get in fights with her, but I didn't mind it. I didn't, that was not a quality that I wanted stripped away from her, and it made me really angry.

So I don't, I can't say when that started happening, but I noticed it way before everything blew up. My fiancé started to call me his little Frenchies, a little French bulldog. He would say, I didn't realize I got myself a French bulldog. And what he meant by that was kind of delicate, delicate to the environment, sensitive. I have digestive sensitivities. I try not to eat gluten, you know, stuff like that. Well, Frenchies have digestive issues too. So he would always make these kind of parallel jokes that were subtle.

But finally one day, because he would say, oh, my little snowflake, right? If I was shivering, he ran really, really warm. So I would always just rather be cold than ask him to turn on the heater because I didn't want him to sweat. And it's easier for me to put on layers. So I'd be in the car trying to hide the fact that I'm cold. Also I'd be sitting here, you know, like this, whatever. And he'd be like, oh my gosh, and kind of get irritated. And be like, my little snowflake.

Like, could you just, then he would fault me for not telling him that I was cold. And I'm like, well, damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I complain that I'm cold, I am now high maintenance and a snowflake. But if I sit here and shiver and silence, now I'm making you feel bad. So it's a lose-lose. So I kind of tried to just stay out of the way. Just don't rock the boat, be as easy as possible. And that's kind of the point that he got me to.

Just I want to be easy. I want to make things easy. I'm not going to argue. From the day we met him up until that time, he continually told his stories about his dear friend, so-and-so, and my dear friend, so-and-so. He had all these dear friends. Nobody refers to their friends as dear friend.

Maybe my friend or my best friend or my school buddy or my... But everybody he referred to as a dear friend. So it was another one of these extreme, too good to be true, not just my friend, but my dear friend. There was this vast idea of all of these diverse friends that they seemed to have, which I never meant. We run with people that I'm making air quotes, but we run with people that don't function that way, that don't think that way.

And I would think, oh, wow, I mean, I knew I was sheltered, but I didn't realize I was that sheltered. Yeah. And at the back end of that, what that started to do was kind of strip away my idea of what I had to contribute because I thought, what do I know? What do I know? Yeah. What can I play?

They run with real musicians. What can I write? He's a writer. You know, he's dated musicians. His ex is a musician. Oh, he had convinced her that he went to prom with a gal that was on a show. I can't remember her name now. Julianne Huff. Yes. Oh, yeah, you heard that right. Yeah, Dick told Sarah and her friends and family that he took actress, singer, and dancer, Julianne Huff to prom. I was unable to either confirm or deny this claim. Julianne, if you're listening. Hit me up.

In my research of this story, I came across the video interview that Dick did on November 1, 2017. Dick is being interviewed as an expert, of course. And I noted that even here, on the internet, he's talking about his friendships with famous people. Here he is. You know, I think it's one of those things that God's given me that's kind of ingrained into my character. I have kind of a high-operating brain, and so, you know, I definitely get a little bit bored. but I think Uber kind of satisfies a lot of that. But yeah, I think absolutely where it's one of those things where you have been

floats that kind of relearn or learn how new things are done. Because you're always the ceiling of your business. You know, Dave Ramsey, you know, brilliant man, phenomenal person, a wonderful friend. The church that she's loved for so many years, she's tried to match that feeling at one more local. And she's never been able to do that. She just loves the church in Backville that we go to. And she's tried so many to try to find a home closer, a church home. closer. And she said, I hope he doesn't touch that one. In other words, he criticized this one and

this one and this one, but he better not. And I thought, really? And sure enough, there were things that he found, I don't know how, but he found that to criticize, and that is so seeker friendly and every age loves it. And he was able to, at one visit, to be able to do that, to criticize it, to pick it apart. And she started buying into it. A little bit. Started asking herself the same questions. Yeah. He wouldn't come to us and discuss it and ask us what is this. I didn't see it as his problem. So I didn't think maybe I shouldn't marry this man. This was bringing up a lot of stuff in me and that's the purpose of marriage. It's very refining. So I had had this mindset very, very slowly built up that I would view our disagreements as not fully my fault. That was too

obvious. He would sort of admit his part in it. But it would be something that I elicited, something that I did, something that I needed to grow in. Which sounds like, like brainwashing when you go back and you tell it to somebody, but when it's happened to you very, very slowly, you do not see it. Throughout this season, I'll be sharing some insights that I've gained through my personal research in hopes this information will help you better understand the dynamics of abusive relationships as it did for me. I hope this information can also help those who might be in a similar relationship or help someone avoid an abusive relationship altogether. The majority of

research I've done has been focused on the thought process, motivations, and behaviors of abusers, narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. The most helpful book I've read on abuse, and I've read three times now and counting, is why does he do that, inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. Lundy wrote this book after working for decades with 2,000-plus abusive men in specialized programs for abusers. Based on his decades of experience, Lundy lists the early warning signs of an abuser in a relationship as follows, and Just so you know, I'm paraphrasing. He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.

He makes himself the victim of past relationships and speaks of past partners in condescending or degrading ways. He's disrespectful towards you. He puts you down in front of others, or sneers at your opinions. He does favors for you that you don't want, or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable. He's controlling.

Settily, but steadily, he begins criticizing your clothing choices, relationships, giving lots of advice on how you should manage your own life. He's possessive. He becomes irrationally jealous of others. Nothing is ever his fault, and as time goes by, the target of his blame becomes you. He makes promises he doesn't keep. They're broken due to the faults of others. He's self-centered. He chronically shifts conversations back to himself and his own importance. He abuses drugs or alcohol. Although substances do not cause abuse, they often go hand in hand. He pressures you for sex. He sees women as sex objects rather than human beings.

He gets serious too quickly about the relationship. He jumps into planning your life together before he's really taken the time to get to know you. He intimidates you when he's angry. This is a major warning sign that physical violence may soon follow. This doesn't just mean talking too closely to your face or intimidating you. This can be veiled threats such as, you don't want to see me mad. Driving recklessly, punching or kicking walls, throwing things even if they don't hit you. double standards towards women. He has negative attitudes towards women. Stereotype beliefs about

women's sexuals also contribute to the risk of abuse. He treats you differently in front of others. He appears to be attracted to vulnerability. He is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look up to him with awe and allow him to lead her. As an abuser begins to reap the rewards of his controlling behavior, and as he's gained more power than before, for example, through moving in together or getting engaged. His tactics increase. Next time on Something Was Wrong. Something Was Wrong is written, recorded, edited, and produced by me, Tiffany Reese. A heartfelt thank you to Sarah, her family, and friends for participating in this series. Check out Sarah's personal blog, Space and Purpose via the show notes. All of the music this season

comes from the band Gladrags. Special thank you to Alyssa Doyle for her hyped support and story editing assistants. Shout out to my husband Michael and our three children for encouraging me every step of the way. Follow the hashtag Something Was Wrong Pod on Instagram to stay up to date on this series. If you're enjoying Something Was Wrong, please subscribe now and consider sharing with your friends and family and like literally anybody you've ever met. Just that'd be great. Thank you. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1,800-799 safe.