Something Was Wrong - S1 Ep3: Maple & Finn

Episode Date: January 28, 2019

*Content Warning: animal abuse, emotional and physical abuse, distressing themes  Music from Glad Rags album Wonder Under Sara discovers something terrifying about her Fiance.

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This podcast is intended for mature audiences and could be triggering to some. Please use discretion when listening. Hey, it's Tiffany. I wanted to give an extra trigger warning for today's episode because it deals with the abuse of animals. I will be avoiding as much extra detail as possible. Please use discretion when listening. Thank you so much.

Psychotherapist Don Drucker has worked with a wide spectrum of clients, including individuals of all age groups as well as individuals with personality disorders. In an article she wrote for PETA, Don shared that she has found that there is a correlation between individuals who harm or kill animals and sociopathic behavior. Don writes, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, is published by the American Psychiatric Association, and it is used as a tool by mental health workers to diagnose clients' psychological problems based on their symptoms and behavior. Diagnosing clients is necessary for the development of their treatment goals.

Unfortunately, there are limited diagnostic tools to confirm the link between cruelty to animals and sociopathic behavior. But sociopathic behavior and the sociopathic personality type are indeed prevalent in our society. For example, serial killers such as Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Richard Ramirez, as well as countless other serial killers, murderers, and rapists, all abused animals as children. And that behavior escalated into harming humans. The sociopathic personality first develops in early childhood or adolescence and is classified under the diagnosis of conduct disorder, which then develops into antisocial personality disorder. One of the early signs of conduct disorder is often cruelty to animals. An individual who is able to engage in cruelty to animals

appears to have no conscience and thus no remorse for his or her behavior. The act of cruelty to animals results from an apparent need for power and control, and this need is accompanied by a lack of empathy. Animals are targeted, especially helpless and defenseless ones, because the perpetrator does not recognize or care that they have feelings and can experience not just physical pain, but also emotional pain. I'm Tiffany Reese, and this is Something Was Wrong. You think you know me, you don't know me where. My fiancé started to call me his little Frenchie, his little French bulldog. Here's Sarah. He would say, I didn't realize I got myself a French bulldog.

And what he meant by that was kind of delicate, delicate to the environment, sensitive. When did you get rid of your dog? March 16th. Not that anybody's counting. I found a home for her because she, at first liked him. They got along really well. But over time, like I noticed in jealousy. And I thought, okay, you always trust the dog's instincts.

Like, they can read people. But I would watch how his dog treated him and his dog loved, worship the ground he walked on. And so I thought, okay, I took that into account. And then as time went on, my dog, Maple, hated him. She didn't hate anybody, but she was always a little bit timid around men. She would allow my dad to pet her. She would tolerate other guys, but she didn't seek them out. She would go to women.

So I thought, well, maybe she'd been abused or something in the past. So, of course, enter my fiancé, who's very tall. He's a broad guy, and he's got a male dog with him. And we're in close quarters over the weekend. And this, for months before he was, you know, in the picture, this was her territory. She was alpha dog. So, of course, he comes in and rocks the boat. She's not going to like it.

And that's kind of how I took it. Bulldog people. I have a lot of friends and people at work that are very familiar with that breed, and they would say this breed is very dominant, and they're very loyal. They're a one-person dog. They'll have other people they are fond of, but they latch on to one person. So you've had all this one-on-one time with her, bonded with her, and plus you adopted her, so she's even more clingy to just you.

But it would get to the point where instead of getting better, it started getting worse. And according to my fiance, I mean, he was watching all these dog whisper videos and coming in you, and I thought, oh, my God. gosh, how sweet of you trying to win my dog over doing all this research? She'd send me all this info. And you'd be like, okay, I bought this thing. Here's what we're going to do. Here's the game plan.

And I'm like, oh gosh, I wish I cared as much. I just assumed she'll get over it. And I wasn't really, you know, working toward it. So we would try all these things. And it got worse and worse and worse until she started snipping at him and biting him. She would, every time I was out of the room, whether in the bathroom, like getting ready or outside of my room and he was in my room with her, she would screech. And bulldogs, you know, make the weirdest sounds.

And so I would come running in. And he'd be on the other side of the room laughing and looked to me like, I don't know what I did. I literally just looked at her or I walked by or something or I, you know, whatever. And I'd just go, man, what on earth? And it got worse and worse and worse. So I thought about it and thought about it. I didn't tell anybody really about it. I just kind of mentioned a few times like I could find her a home.

And when I got serious about it, he was like, are you sure you want to do this? And I found out, yep, I'm making the decision. And I found the perfect family. They had apparently wanted her before I got her, before I had adopted her a year earlier. They'd heard that she was available, went to go get her, found out she was already gone. So it seemed like fate. She ended up back with this very same family. And she loved them, which really helped me sleep at night because I was scared.

I loved her a lot. And she really latched on to me. So what I didn't want to happen was to send her with someone and have her freak out, you know. Walked with this lady right to her car, got right in, like, no problem. And I thought, thank you, God. I needed to see that. And she did great. Well, back up a little bit.

And my roommate, back in late November, had been on our porch. We lived on the second story of this Craftsman House downtown and she'd been stretching ready for a run. My fiancé had been taking both of our dogs out for a potty walk and was at the base of the stairs, not knowing that my roommate was up on the porch stretching. And my roommate looks down and sees him. Both dogs are several feet away from him at the very end of the leash.

And out of nowhere, unprovoked, he kicked my dog. Like rear, left or right, I can't remember, like hind area kind of in her hip. And actually, she's a tank. She weighs 30 pounds. She's a little 30 pound tank. Launched her into the air. Her body actually lifted and got shoved forward.

And she screamed. Just a heads up. The audio quality here isn't the best. Here is Sarah's roommate at the time, Karen. She told me days later. Because she, in the moment, he's here for the weekend. She didn't know what to do and it was intimidated. So days later, it was like, hey, I don't know how to tell you this, but he kicked her dog.

And I just went, like, your brain doesn't know what to do with that information at that moment. Because nothing, nothing affirms that. Nothing I had ever seen showed. Like, there were no red flags, no aggression from him at that point. This is back at the beginning. So did you think she's full of shit? No, that's the other thing is I trust this girl. I trust her 100%.

So I knew that she'd seen it. but in my mind I made up reasons and excuses. Like maybe he was just trying to play and it turned into a motion. Maybe it was a missaw and both are true. Like maybe it was a momentary outbursts. Like there's so many things in my head that I just, I didn't know what to do with it. So I literally shelved it. I didn't know what to do.

And so I didn't ask him. No, I didn't confront him about it. And thinking back, now that I look at it clearly, there was a teeny little part of me that knew that he would explain it away. And I almost didn't want it to get explained away. because I knew there was something wrong about it, but I kind of let it go. And then over time, I noticed that with his dog,

he would play this game. He was always kind of a ruffeuser. When we were in Texas at his family's house, they had these huge newfis. They were like big bear dogs. And he would wrestle them on the ground. And he was used to being raised with big dogs. And they would yelp every once in a while.

And I would be like, oh, but also I think, I'm a girl. I'm really gentle. Like, I'm not going to roughhouse with a dog. But he was always more aggressive with animals than I felt comfortable with. But I kind of let it go. Because again, I would think, I'm the sensitive one.

He's not. So with his dog, he would play this gamer when he was asleep. He would plug his nose holes and wait for him to like wake up in a panic. And he'd just kind of laugh. And I'd be like, that's not, that's kind of mean. That's not okay. And he'd be like, what? He's fine.

Look at him. And he would just kind of have this sick sense of humor. Or the dog would walk by and he'd be sat on the couch. And just for fun, he'd like kind of pop him in the rear just enough to make his high legs lift and make the dog kind of look back at him like, what did you just do? What just happened? And I'd be like, babe, don't bug him. And it wouldn't outright hurt him.

Right. But it wasn't necessary. It just kind of seemed like he was bullying him a little bit, almost asserting dominance. But with this story that he'd pitched me of how he found this dog, that he found him in the corner in a shelter, abused, like, just beaten and growling and snarling and biting. And he nursed him back to health. And he kind of beat the aggression out of him sort of and, like, established dominance. And now this dog loves him. I have this whole story in my head.

And I thought, don't question his methods. He obviously has created this dog to be what he is now, the sweetest dog to walk the earth. So I didn't question him and come to find out later, that's not how I got the dog. None of that was true. Absolutely none of it. But I found out that he was, I mean, he did show signs of aggression. So later I realized that he was terrorizing my dog. And that's why she hated him.

Yeah. Hindsight, man. Yeah. But I mean, she come, I talked to her new only. and she had taken her to the vet because she'd started limping. This was June or July, late June, early July after we'd broken up and everything was done. Took her to the vet and vet's first question was, has this dog been abused? She looks like she's been kicked.

And the lady said, well, I have my suspicions. So let me tell you. And according to, I talked to this late on the phone, she's a Christian. I'd never met her before. She took my dog. And she said, and she's older. She's so sweet. She was, honey, let me tell you that when I, that day I met you,

I instantly loved you. You endeared yourself to me and I knew something's wrong. With you? Yep. No, with my relationship. Something is wrong. Did she meet him too? No.

Oh, never met him. Okay. But she said, I could tell that you were taking a huge step and that you dearly love this dog and she loved you and there was something wrong with why you were choosing to like everyone. And she argued with me when I tried to send her with her. She kind of grandmaid me.

She sat down and she goes, now are you sure this is what you want? Because I am not taking this dog from you because I can tell them. much you love her, you know, unless I know for sure that you've thought this through. And I was like, I'm a grown-up. Like, don't mother me through. Yes, I know it's going to be hard, but take her while I'm feeling strong. Yeah. And come to find out, she had a ruptured ligament in the same side that my roommate had seen her get kicked. But the other caveat to that was the vet said she also has hip dysplasia, which is common in those breeds. It's a little bit early for her. She's a little too young for it, so it could have been brought on by trauma. But it's not evidence enough for me to file

an animal abuse report or something that could, you know, specifically pin that on him. So as of now, I haven't done anything about that. Here's Sarah's sister, Emily. He was really aggressive towards Finn, and it made me so angry because I loved Finn. I was obsessed with Finn. I let that dog sleep in my room on my bed, on my red couch, that it dirty fur made white. I loved that dog. And it was such a calm, obedient dog.

It required no discipline until I realized the reason. it is so calm and obedient is because it's gotten so much discipline I realized watching him interact with the dog whether he was trying to get it to obey him or he was trying to show off how much fun he can have with it it was always abusive he would slap its rear end so hard but he would do it in a like he would like mask it to look like it was playful so you know he'd smack its butt and you'd be like oh shikes you did that a little bit hard but he was doing it in a playful way so you don't realized right after that that was abuse, because you're like, he's just playing with the dog, you know, if you don't think much of it.

He would do things like that, or he would, like, pick up the dog and cradle it like a baby, and then freaking cover its nose. Like, he'd grab the, the, or its nostril, what's it called, his snodge, snows, or whatever. He'd grab it and cover all of its breathing orifices and wait and wait until the dog would start to scramble, his body would start moving, like, he's trying to really hurt it out of it. He'd hold it even longer. Like, look at his watch. Look how long.

I'll do this for. And then finally, the dog would start to whimper like it is eating air, and he'd let go and he'd laugh. And then we'd be like, oh my gosh, like, that's not funny. Don't do that. Me, who is obsessed with that dog made me angry. And I'm like, yeah, like, Finn, come to me. Where the fudge are you going back to him right now? And that would be an excuse was obviously doesn't hurt him that back.

Because look, he comes right back to me. We're a stupid dog, and then he'd proceed to hit his butt. Really, really hard. That's, like, thinking back on it. And I'm like, gosh, what the fudge did you do to it when nobody was watching? When you weren't trying to be funny. and you weren't trying to please the crown. What did he do that, dog?

I watched how rough he was with her, the dog, and his dog. Here's Sarah's parents, Greg and Rose. And it was another head tilt. And I thought, but his dog loves him. And he said he got it from a rescue. And at that point, I had no reason to believe that would have been a lie. Like, who would make that up? I didn't even suspect that.

I just thought that dog was amazing. We all loved his dog and he got it as a rescue supposedly and that it was timid when he got it and I thought you have turned this dog into an amazing love and So whatever you're doing it can't be abusive but he would take it and he'd roll around with it until it would Would cry. Yeah, what kind of dog was it? It was a it? It was a it was a border collie? Border collie not a border collie What's the sheep dog? Border collie.

It looked like a long-haired border collie. Good-sized dog, though. Yeah, it's like medium-sized dog? Yeah. Medium to big, yeah. Because Sarah's dog was small, right? Yeah, yeah. And I thought, well, you know, it's a guy's best friend,

and I don't really understand the physical, kind of pushing it around a little bit, but the dog would come right back and come to him and lick him and stuff. And he'd roll her, and he'd hold its head in a way that was restrictive and kind of roll around on the ground. and I thought, oh, and my aunt, she said, I don't like the way he treats that dog. Well, I didn't have a lot of respect for her opinions because she was very critical. And I thought, whatever, you know, I didn't pay any attention to that. But looking back, I saw the way he treated that dog. And, I mean, Sarah and I went to check on it after they were apart.

Sarah, we had to go and get some stuff out of the house. And she did text him and say, the dog is alone. It's cold out. I know you're not around. Can I go in and open up the garage door or something? Yeah, sure. And we went over there and it had no water. And it was just like, he's just cool.

And then to know that he kicked her dog, who's a very sensitive little skittish thing anyway, and sometimes he would hold her upside down. And that's not the type of dog that you coddle like that. And he would hold her like this and pretend to really love it. And to find out later that he kicked it so hard that, you know, it harmed her hip to where she needed surgery, we think.

You can't prove it. Talked so much. Here's Emily. And it'd be more, I really don't like you. So that's how he started out with. We'll figure out how to get rid of her. Maybe he was gone. He did kind of sleep.

He knew that Emily didn't like her dog. She just didn't like her. The dog had a quirky personality, and Emily just didn't like the, the slobberiness of it, the snorting, the... He was kind of destructive and things that she just was irritated by it.

And he knew this. One time when Sarah was here with the dog, Sarah had went on a walk or was in her room or was in another room or something. And he leaned forward as if to say, you and me here and said, when we get married, that's one of the first things to go is that dog. And that was another one of those. I thought, yeah, right. You're just, you know, being friendly with Emily.

It didn't click for me to even take Sarah aside and tell her, did you know this? When I told her later, she said, Mom, why didn't you tell me that? And I thought, I don't even know that I believed him. It was so bizarre. There was so many of those things that happened that you just go, oh my goodness. Well, and with the dog, the other thing that didn't make sense is at the very beginning, he talked a lot about buying her another one. Well, come to find he didn't really like the dog.

Why would you, who's trying to save money, buy a. a dog that's anywhere from two to five grand, easily, brand new puppy. And of course, she's like, oh, because she happens to adore that breed. So at Friendsgiving, here's Sarah's friend, Alyssa. Somehow, when we were all talking to him, he brought up his dog. And I was like, oh, my gosh, we really want to get a dog. Our daughter loves dogs. And, like, we're not ready to have another baby.

So, like, we want to get her a dog. and he was like, I really want to find a family for my dog because I live in the city. I have a small apartment or something like that. And he was like showing his pictures of his dog, which is like so cute. And he's like, I would love to give my dog to you guys. And Ryan and I were like, what? Like, we just met each other 40 minutes ago. Like, and so he's like, you know, he's been.

She, I can't remember if his dog was a weird girl. Whatever. My dog's, like, been super well trained. And I, like, I just don't have time to, like, play with him because I work so much. And I would really love for my dog to, like, have a family to play with, which, like, totally made sense. And Sarah was kind of interesting. She was, like, super caught off guard by that.

She was like, what? Like, are you serious? You want to, you would do that? He's like, yeah, of course. Like, that would be perfect. And she's like, okay. All right. So it was just a little bit like, okay, like, yeah, yeah, we want your dog, I guess.

So she had never, it didn't sound like she expected that he was actually looking for a home for the dog. No, uh-uh, not at all. It all seemed like a very new information for her. So we just left it with, like, we have to check with our landlords and you all get back to you, I guess. So, like a week or so later, Sarah texted me about the dog situation. and she basically said, I'm basically asking you to not take the dog because, you know, God forbid that we break up, but I would never want to put any one of us in an awkward position,

like with a dog, you know. And I was like 100%. Like my friendship with you is way more important than this weird potential dog situation. So like, of course, you know, all done. Yeah. But I remember reading that and thinking back to Friendsgiving, and how everything with them was almost like a done deal.

They may as well have been engaged, even though they weren't. Like, it was just, they were actively talking about it with each other in front of their friends. And so when she sent me that text, I was a little bit like, you're being realistic, that's good. Like, you're not engaged yet. So it's good that you're thinking that through. But from the way it came across the other night, it was almost like, I don't know if you still have this, something, like, something deep down knows that this might not work. But I didn't say that to her, but it kind of showed me, like, where she was actually at.

Abusive mother effort, poor Sarah. She just had to feel, it's kind of like, that was her kid. So to find out later on that your kid was being abused, but that's what I felt bad for her was. She probably just felt like she failed somehow, and she left the dog in his care, and I just didn't want her thinking it was, her fault and I felt like maybe she did. She felt like she didn't see it. How could she not have seen it? It could have been like a mark in his territory kind of a thing. Like it's the one thing that one was making his life a little bit harder and it was the competitor to her attention. I can see that kick being a solution to a lot of things. It probably wasn't even the only kick. Honestly,

if you do it once, how many other times did he do it? To be able to do that, what kind of disconnect did he have in his head? To be able to inflict that pain on purpose to an animal that is supposedly loved by the woman you're in love with. Like the brain dysfunction you've got to have to see that being okay. And it, oh, I just, that's disgusting. I think that's just repulsive. According to the prestigious Mayo Clinic, antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy,

is a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonize, manipulate, or treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They show no guilt or remorse for their behavior. Individuals with antisocial personality disorder often violate the law, becoming criminals. They may lie, behave violently or impulsively, and have problems with drug and alcohol use. Because of these characteristics, people with this disorder typically can't fulfill responsibilities

related to family, work, or school. Anti-social personality disorder, signs and symptoms may include a disregard for right and wrong, persistent lying or deceit to exploit others, being callous, cynical, and disrespectful to others, using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure, arrogance, a sense of superiority, and being extremely opinionated, reoccurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior. Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty. Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead.

Hostility. Agitation. Aggression or violence. Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others. Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others. Poor or abusive relationships. Failure to consider the negative consequences. of behavior or learn from them, being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations. Adults with antisocial personality disorder typically show symptoms of conduct disorder before the age of 15. Signs and symptoms of conduct disorder include

serious, persistent behavioral problems, such as aggression towards people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness, theft, serious violation of rules. Next time on something was wrong. No woman knows this much about another man's emotions and feelings and hearts desires if she's not been romantic with him in some way. I thought, is Brian okay with this? We have been blown away by your response, reviews, and shares of this podcast. Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much it means.

If you would like to share your story with us, you can now call us and leave a voicemail. You can remain anonymous or share your first name and location. Our number is 1.323379-5678. This number will also be listed in the show notes. Your message might be shared on a future episode. Thank you. Something Was Wrong is written, recorded, edited, and produced by me, Tiffany Reese. A heartfelt thank you to Sarah, her family, and friends for participating in this series. Check out Sarah's personal blog, space and purpose, via the show notes.

All of the music this season comes from the band Gladrags. Special thank you to Alyssa Doyle for her hype, support, and story editing assistants. Shout out to my husband Michael and our three children for encouraging me every step of the way. If you're enjoying something was wrong, please subscribe now and consider sharing with your friends and family, and like literally anybody you've ever met. Just, that would be great. Thank you. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799 Safe.