Something Was Wrong - S11 Ep11: [Dara] Very Sorry

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

*Content warning: Today’s episodes discusses sexual assault, rape, and physical and emotional violence.  Change statue of limitations for sexual assault laws in Indiana Change.org petition  ** Resources: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE, online.rainn.org y rainn.org/es) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country and operates the DoD Safe Helpline for the Department of Defense. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice. Sources: U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics. September 2019, NCJ 253043, Criminal Victimization, 2018 Rachel E. Morgan, Ph.D., and Barbara A. Oudekerk, Ph.D., BJS Statisticians ** Something Was Wrong’s theme song was originally composed by Glad Rags and is covered this season by Kenna and the Kings.  Support and listen to Kenna and the Kings on  Spotify, YouTube, and check out their albums!

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debts.org. Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences. Episodes can discuss topics that can be triggering, such as emotional, physical, and sexual violence, suicide, and murder. I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you're in need of support, please visit something was wrong.com slash resources for a list of non-profit organizations that can help. Some names have been changed for anonymity purposes. Opinions expressed by the guests on the show are their own

and do not necessarily represent the views of myself or audio chuck. Resources and source material are linked in the episode notes. Thank you so much for listening. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, an American is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds. One out of every six American women and one in 33 men have been victims of sexual assault. Child Protective Services agencies found strong evidence to indicate that 63,000 children a year were victims of sexual abuse from 2009 through 2013.

A majority of child victims are ages 12. to 17. Of victims under the age of 18, 34% of victims of sexual assault and rape are under the age of 12. And 66% of victims of sexual assault and rape are ages 12 to 17. I'm Tiffany Reese, and this is, something was wrong. My name is Dara. I was a competitor. swimmer was nationally ranked, swam with the U.S. Open. My mom graduated medical school and she matched with a trauma residency in Indiana. And she picked this residency program due to the collegiate level that we had in Indiana. So we moved here for the training program for my swim team. I ended up getting

injured with bilateral tenonitis. My sophomore year of high school, that was pretty catastrophic for me. It definitely was a dream of mine to swim Division I, college swimming, and hopefully one day as a freshman, I was maybe 3.5 seconds away from my lymph trials cut. That definitely was a goal of mine. I think being injured and not being able to swim again definitely took away a big identity of mine because that's all I thought that I was and I was looking forward to that. I have trained between I would say four and six hours a day every day except for Sundays from when I was nine years old until I got injured. And even when I got injured, I was still in the water every day practicing in hopes that, because I chose not to get surgery,

getting surgery would have me out for a year, and then rehabilitation would be another year. And so I would be expected to perform at Division I level at a senior in high school when I had been out for two years. I was optimistic that I could get it together without surgery, and it didn't happen. But yeah, it's a big change where you're getting up at 4 in the morning and you're heading to the pool and you're doing weight.

and you're in the pool and then you go to school, you hurry and shower with wet hair, and then you get to school, and then you do all your classes, and then you go to practice right after school, and then you get home, I would say, after 7 o'clock at night, so you'd leave it 4, you'd get home at 7.

And that was my life for a long time. That time, it's a big change. I was an average student. You could even say I was below average because I kind of rode the wave that with my swimming career, as long as I got seas, I could go anywhere I wanted. Then when you lose that, and then all of a sudden, you're an average student, and then you don't have swimming,

then you're like, well, what do I do now? And so then I would try to do well in school, and I just did horribly. I didn't know how to study. I was just coasting through, so it was a big change to try to do that. And then I think when you try and everything came so, easily to me in the swimming aspect that I could just apply myself and work my butt off. And it was a natural talent. When you work hard at that and you got results, it's different to work really hard in something else and get no results because we all learn differently. So yeah, that was a big

adjustment. I think it was very easy for me to get myself into trouble at that point and probably be in the crowd where everyone goes out and parties and you get in trouble. I started drinking and smoking weed and just doing a lot of things. I was very free-spirited. And so I just was like, we're just going to have fun. That was my motto. I was the fun girl. Well, I imagine emotionally it was a huge adjustment, especially at the age you were, you were a sophomore, correct, when you were injured? Yeah. I mean, high school and junior high, it's so hard. That age is so hard. Your brain is still developing. Your body is developing. The hormone are no joke, it's already so hard just being a teenager and dealing with this loss, it makes sense

to me that you were struggling a bit. I didn't think about the consequences of a lot of things that I was doing. I remember one particular situation where I was very friendly and I always said hi to everyone and the principal noticed a change in me and so he requested that my parents get me drug tested because I think I didn't say hi to him or something. I pretty much looked at it like, well, I'm getting drug tested tomorrow. Let's go out and party. It wasn't like I went home and was like, oh, I'm going to get drug tested. This can be really bad. I was like, no, it doesn't matter. I kind of was that person that just didn't think anything bad could happen and you just go out and have fun. I got to a point where my grades were so bad that we ended up transferring to another school in Indiana to hopefully work on things and improve things going to a different school.

I turned 18 so I legally could call myself in, and that probably wasn't a great scenario for me already. I called myself in a lot. I missed a lot of school. I almost didn't graduate. That was a struggle. That's another big change. What was it like transferring to a new school? I made friends quickly. I think every time you go to lunch, you're like, who am I going to say with? And there were a good group of people. Now we all did the same thing. that you shouldn't do. I just continued doing what I was doing at the other school I went to to this school, but there was a lot of good kids that I got involved with. I'm friends with them to this day. We just made a lot of poor choices. Then fast forward, senior year of high school,

you were heading on a trip for spring break, correct, with the members of your previous high school? Yeah, a senior trip. And the class that I was first, friends with from the other previous school, I had known them since summer before seventh grade. These are people that I had known for a long time, and it's our senior year. So there's a senior trip offered, and so you pay for that, and then there are chaperones there, usually other parents of those classmates. We've got about 1,500 people in our class, and I would say at least 100 and 200 people would go on this trip that was not sponsored by this school, but definitely kind of driven

organized by people in the class and then parents. My family said we could go and I brought a friend. Me and my parents stay on the island next to this island. And the other island is where the senior trip was. We were with our parents. We begged them all week, can we go over there? Can we go over there? Our friends are there and blah, blah, blah.

So finally my parents said, yes, you can go check in with us when you can get over there and work out the details. Well, they had pretty much rented out this hotel on this island for the week of our senior trip. And so we had a lot of friends that were staying over there. I say so-called friends, but they all had their own rooms and kind of spread out. On the day that we got there, this friend and I, there was a big plan for, they call it the booze crews. They had everyone get on this big boat. It's kind of like a big houseboat.

So there's two levels from one of the... I can remember. There's a DJ, there's music going. There's a lot of drinking. And I was 18. In this island, if you're 18, you're illegally allowed to drink. I was excited about this. There was drinking and some weed. It was all day on this cruise cruise on the boat driving around. Midway through the day, we had drank a lot. We were partying. And then we stopped at this island. I remember I was offered some weed, so I smoked that. And I remember, one of the guys videotaping that and videotaping the whole trip. As it started coming to an end, we'd been out all day, and everybody was talking about what they're going to do when they get back.

And I was like, I can't go back out again when I get back. I'm like, I need to go to bed. Please note, today's episode includes descriptions of sexual and physical violence, rape, non-consensual pornography, and suicidal ideation. Please use you. caution when listening. Thank you. I asked one of my so-called friends for his room key. I said, if you guys were all going to go out again, I don't need to go back out. I need to go to my room. He gave me his room cake and I went to his room to get some sleep and I think I just had my swimsuit on. I went to his room to sleep and he later had followed me in the room after I'd onto bed and people followed him in the hotel room. The guy that was videotaping everything was there.

He continued to videotape, what continued to happen to me. There was another guy that was there using different objects on me, why I was passed out. And then the other person raped me. The only thing that I do remember, the flashback that tends to keep coming up throughout my life is looking up, opening my eyes, and I see him over me, but my head was getting smashed against the wall that the headboard fell on me. All these years that have passed in talking to my husband about it because he knows that I was going to do this podcast. He made a point that he was like, a headboard doesn't just break like that. You have to hold on to it. Someone has to hold on to it. Why are there, I don't want to sound too. But there was a lot going on in that situation.

I couldn't put my hands up. I wasn't protecting my head. My head was just smashed against the wall. It was a very physically severe attack. It continued to where they let people in the room and they videotaped it and people watched from the windows. Then I think I woke up later and I pulled up my suit. I didn't really understand what had happened. I remember leaving the room still in a haze the next day. There's a lot of people in the lobby having breakfast and they just were all laughing. at me. And I didn't really understand why. I knew that, yeah, I drank a lot. And then later, we went out dancing and one of the guys that was there told me what happened why he was dancing with me. It was kind of a crazy, crazy time. There was a lot going on and trying to navigate everything,

having that one thing, that one flashback. I knew something happened, but then hearing the other side of things and then hearing other people say, yeah, we watched from the windows. I'm so sorry. Thank you. It's okay. At this point, it's okay. It's not okay, but you know what I mean. I'm so sorry you experienced that. I can't imagine all of the things that you felt. And this friend that told you, was this the boy that was your first love? Mm-hmm. Yes. He was my first love. He was the first person that I was ever intimate with. I think it was eighth grade and a freshman year. We were super close. He was a really good friend of mine and definitely was that puppy love.

He went on a trip in the summer and I didn't see him for 30 days and I thought I was going to die. Because you feel like you love them so much. He definitely was someone really important in my life. And I think when you broke up, it was a nasty breakup. I was very fond of him at one point and I thought he was a good kid. I can't speak for him in that situation and I wish he didn't do that. but I'm at a place where I can forgive them and the rest is up to them. How did he explain it to you?

It was very weird because it's not something that you would come up to someone and tell. At the time, we were out partying again and I knew that something was wrong. I told my friend, I said, I'm so sore. I have things that hurt, my head hurt, my vagina hurt. It was a hurt that was really different. and I remember telling her about it, but then we kind of moved on. It hadn't set in to me,

and so I don't know if it was so much of partying, if we can all handle trauma differently. I don't know. I can't really explain all of that, but we were out dancing and I was having a drink, and then he came up to me and told me what this person did to me and then that this other person had recorded it.

I said, what did you do? And he told me. He said it was, water bottles. And then later, I had him on the phone. He was like, if you ever want to talk about it. I mean, it was so weird. He divulged what had happened. And then he was like, I'm here for you. If you want to talk about it, he kind of divulged it again. And it was so weird to me. I'm grateful that he told me. I really am. I already knew what happened deep down. I have one memory. But I think if I would have only had that one memory, I think my imagination already

had run wild and it already can run wild. And through the years of counseling, it tries to nag at you. And so knowing some of it, I'm actually grateful that I know some of it as weird as that sounds. How did you respond when he told you? I think I compartmentalized. Well, and it's going to sound weird, but I continued to party like everyone else did. I did not stop. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. It was like trauma happens and then you separate. I don't even know how to explain that. But I noticed that I did that a lot throughout my life, but it all stemmed from that one experience. I think I compartmentalized that situation because one, my parents were calling me like, where are you? We haven't gotten a hold of you. We're worried about you. And my mom's angry and

mad at me that I'm not back yet. Like, I'm going to be in so much trouble. And then this traumatic experience happened and then I was treated so poorly by my friends and my peers I had known for so long and trusted. And so my only way to deal with it at that time was to continue having fun and partying. And that sounds not very irrational. I would tell anyone if something happens to you, please go to the police immediately and get the DNA immediately. But I did not do that and I really wish I did. You feel a lot of shame. You feel like, oh, I did all these things wrong. You almost feel embarrassed. Like, is it my fault? I put myself in this situation. So yeah, I just continued to continue doing what we were all there to do was to have fun, hang out and

be with what we all plan to do. And then I had to go home and get in trouble because I stayed out and I didn't call my parents back. And then I had this deep, dark secret when I got home. home and played off like nothing was wrong. I wanted to run my car into a tree. I was very damaging to myself over all of it. Who was the first person that you told? I think I told my friend that was with me and I think she was like, well, they're probably sorry. You don't have to tell anyone. Don't do anything about it. But I think the next person I ended up telling, we were really close friends. My parents were really close friends with a gentleman that I used to swim with. He was a Navy SEAL and he went to the Olympics. So we trained together. He's kind of a mentor. And I babysat for his kids. I ended up telling

him and a teacher. He told my parents, because I just couldn't munst up the courage to tell him face to face. And so I told my teacher. And then once the Navy SEAL told my parents, I came home. I just remember coming in the door and my mom was throwing up in the bathroom when I walked in the door. Then my dad came right up to me and he couldn't stop seeing.

I love you, I love you, I love you. And he was hugging me. I was very vulnerable and so that was new for me because I had lost swimming before but then this really broke my spirit and broke me down at a different level. We went down

to a crisis center that was a hospital that was for rape, sexual assault. We went and did a rape kit that night, but I didn't tell anyone for probably a few months after that. So a rape kit wouldn't have shown anything unless the damage was so severe. It didn't show anything. We didn't get any DNA or anything like that. And that's why I would recommend if this happens to anyone, please get DNA immediately. Do you not shower? Go straight there. We went there. We didn't get much from that. Then we did go straight to the police and I shared what had happened to me. A detective got involved and they were very gung-ho in the beginning, ready to get going. I had called the boys and we recorded them. They recorded the phone call. The first two, from what I remember,

the phone call went pretty smoothly. They sounded like they were worried. I can't remember everything that they said, but it sounded like we had a lot of information. And then, the one that actually sexually assaulted me, we called him last. I think he knew something was up because he didn't say anything. Then we got a search warrant for their houses and for their lockers, which I think would also include their cars. We were able to search everything, and they searched it right in the middle of school where school was going on. We got the tape where they recorded my sexual assault on the trip. So a videotape. I asked to see the tape. I wasn't allowed to watch the tape. I never got to watch it for myself, but that was part of the evidence that we had. That's where it gets

kind of confusing. I was moving forward with prosecuting, even though I was terrified and probably wasn't very mentally stable at that point. But it seems like things kind of halted. We didn't get much further than that after we got the tape. And I'm not sure why. Since this was in another country, an island in another country, I know that we had to send off and talk to their police department and get the rooms that everyone was in, the plans of where everyone stayed, and we had to go back and forth. I'm not really sure if it complicated things to a point where we would have to prosecute in that country. I don't really understand how all that works, and I don't know how much that played into criminally prosecuting them. I do know that when I was on my last interview,

that I was told that the boys were very sorry, and I was handed a teddy bear, pretty much saying that's all that's going to happen. And so I left. So I don't really know what happened. How did you feel when you left that meeting? I felt very defeated because I don't really know if I could be in a trial because I do know that they prepared me for a trial, that they would destroy me at a character level. I was thinking, well, I wasn't a virgin. I had sex before and I've dated before and I flirted before

and I had done drugs and I drank and I mean, all these things come to your mind and they say, said they're just going to destroy you on the stand. On one hand, it was terrifying to think I was going to go forward and try to prosecute. But on the other hand, it was like I didn't have the support of anyone saying we have your back. We're going to do what we need to do. I felt like the rug was ripped out from underneath me. That was another let down in my life. I mean, it definitely crushed me for sure, even though I didn't know what to do about it. It's been a long road. I'm going to It's a lonely road. When we talk about trauma, a lot of mental health things can come into play

because I was definitely a self-medicator. I struggled with trying to self-medicate and I was diagnosed with a lot of different things. The list could go on with what I was diagnosed with. I was starting to see things and hear things and self-medicate and continue with drinking to self-medicate. I was on a lot of medication to wake up. I was on medication to go to sleep. I was on medication to bring me down to not be so up. And then medication to not be so down. For me personally, it was in a big dark hole and I didn't know how to get out. I would advocate for anyone to get the help they need to be healthy at whatever that looks like for them. For me, it was kind of starting over and getting to the root of the trauma.

And then finding my identity again. Who was I after, or even before swimming? Who was I before that? And then who was I before all this happened? It's a long journey, and I was in counseling for almost 20 years. For me, we do supplementation and eating healthy. That's what works for me to clear everything out and start over and get to the root of it. And so I now am mentally really healthy.

there's no shame in asking for help and there's no shame in getting the people that know what you've been through, having them surround you and walk you through that because I didn't even know where to start. And it takes time. I always wanted a quick fix for everything because I had certain things in my life that hurt and I didn't want to feel that hurt anymore. It's a lot of hard work. But in the long run, you're going to be better and you're going to be able to be stronger and handle anything that comes your way. I hated that this happened. but I'm so proud of the person that I've become because I've worked my butt off and I know that God didn't give up on me and if I can be there for other people, then I'm okay with that.

I'd feel really good about that. Through the years of going to counseling, I feel like I was at a good place and then I had children and I think that's what really reminded me, you got to get better, you got to get mentally better. So that was part of the journey, but then my mom called me and she couldn't talk. and so I just knew something was horribly wrong. What happened was at 13 years old, my sister was riding her bike in the middle of the day and the afternoon. And on her bike, she came across a group of college kids

and their truck was out and they stopped her. And I think they were doing some drugs or they were drinking or something from what she told me their cat calling her and banging on the window and they were trying to get her in the truck with them. Here she was at 13 years old. They couldn't get her in the truck. One of them raped her right there in front of the group of boys, and they were all banging on their windows the whole time.

They had leaving her there, and she picked up her things, and she hopped back on her bike and rode her bike home. I hated that I wasn't there for her. My mom had some friends over, and they were sitting around the back and having a glass of wine. My sister came home after they couldn't get a hold of her for a little bit, and she just crawled on my mom's lap. My mom said, are you okay?

And she said, I just need to hug you. At that point, she didn't share with anyone. She later shared this with her counselor at school. And her counselor, since she was a minor, her counselor had to then share with my parents. And so I got a phone call that this had happened. My mom called in. I couldn't hear her in the phone,

but I knew something was wrong. So I got in the car and I came home. I think trauma's really. really tough. And my sister later tried to take her own life. We were waiting for her and my dad called and said she's in the hospital. I got to a place where enough is enough. And if I can be a voice for my sister and for anyone else out there, that's what I'm going to do. We started a change.org. We are hoping, since we are in Indiana, we are going to start with Indiana. My hope is to change legislation. Right now, the statute of limitations for sexual assault, as a minor, you have 10 years,

no matter what age you are as a minor. You have 10 years to prosecute. As an adult, you have 7. Right now, my sister doesn't want to prosecute, but she's allowed me to share her story. And so I'm going to be her voice and hopefully a voice for others so we can change legislation. I think we can get some senators and some government officials to stand behind us and change this. And I hope that we can make this nationwide someday. There are 12 or 13 states that don't have a statute of limitations, but we would like to change the other ones, but I think it's baby steps. So that's why I'm sharing my story.

I'm going to try to say this without getting emotional because this is really special to me. But I did want to share that the reason why I'm still alive, and I'm even speaking here now, is because of my Lord Jesus. Christ, what He has done for me. When trauma happens and it shatters your life and it shatters your spirit and it shatters your mind, at least it did for me, he put all the pieces back together and then he carried me and he picked me up and he even walked me through. I also wanted to say to my sisters, both of them, that I'm proud of them and to keep

moving forward and to never, ever, ever, ever give up. And they're so much stronger than they think they are. And I think that's it. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and your sister's story on her behalf. It's a devastating one, both of you. I just find it so incredibly inspiring how you both are using your experience to help others and advocate for legislative change. We will make sure to link for everybody in the episode notes,

the link to the change.org petition petitioning for Indiana to eliminate their statute of limitations on reporting sexual assault. Please, for our listeners, if this is something that you support, please check it out, add your name. You don't need to donate. We will not take any of that money, so no need to donate. What do you hope others will take away from your story? What I hope to be for other people is just a, surround our arms, surround anything that we have to surround them to know that we'll carry you for a little bit. We'll be an ear for you. We'll listen to you. We'll support you. I think that it's a long journey. It doesn't have to be a lonely one. I hope to move forward and encourage our fellow

survivors because there are other people coming and it's our job to be there for them. I hope that's what we do. If that's anything I can do. That's what I hope to be for somebody else. and sexual assault are traumatic, life-altering experiences that can leave survivors feeling confused, vulnerable, ashamed, and alone. If you have been sexually assaulted or raped, it's important to honor whatever you're feeling and thinking, as these feelings are common when processing traumatic events. According to medical professionals, if you've been sexually assaulted or raped, the first step to take is to make sure you're physically, physically safe. Depending on where you are, you might want to go to a friend's house or ask someone

to take you to a hospital. It's common for those whom have been assaulted or raped to want to take a shower or a bath right away, understandably. But if you can hold off, it's best to leave everything on your body as is. If you can, avoid brushing your teeth or combing your hair until you've been examined. It also helps preserve physical evidence if you're able to avoid eating, drink smoking, or taking any medications until after you've been seen by a doctor. Even if you don't want to press charges at the time, it can be beneficial to preserve the evidence in case you decide later that you'd like to pursue legal action. For your health and safety, it's important that you get a medical examination as soon as possible. In addition to collecting

evidence, medical professionals will test you for sexually transmitted diseases and can help provide you with medications to help prevent HIV. If you'd like, they can also provide you with emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy. Though assault and rape are crimes, you are not required to report it to the police unless you want to. It's 100% your decision. If you do decide to report what happened, you may want to take a friend or a relative with you for support. Please remember, no matter how difficult life may feel right now, there is hope. The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline can connect you with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

When you call 1-800-656-4673, you'll be routed to a local Raine affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have an option to enter the zip code of their current location to get a more accurate location of the nearest sexual assault service provider. Rain also provides free and confidential support from trained staff members. Thank you again to Dara for sharing her story. To support her petition, please visit the link in today's episode notes. As always, thank you for listening. Until next week, stay safe, friends.

Something Was Wrong is an Audio Chuck production, created and hosted by Tiffany Reese. Our theme song was originally composed by Gladrags, covered this season by Kenna and the Kings. So what do you think, Chuck? Do you approve?