Something Was Wrong - S11 Ep2: [Ari] If I Can't Have Him, No One Can

Episode Date: January 13, 2022

This week survivor Ari shares Part 1 of her story.  *Content warning: This episode contains descriptions of emotional and physical violence, and Substance Use Disorder. ** Resources:  The Domestic Violence Hotline offers free and confidential support, 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233), text "START" to 88788 or chat with someone confidentially at https://www.thehotline.org The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)'s mission is to lead, mobilize and raise our voices to support efforts that demand a change of conditions that lead to domestic violence such as patriarchy, privilege, racism, sexism, and classism. We are dedicated to supporting survivors and holding offenders accountable and supporting advocates. https://ncadv.org/contact-us SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, available in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders at 1-800-662-4357. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information. For more free mental health resources, please visit SomethingWasWrong.com/Resources  Sources: Mayo Clinic: Drugs and Supplements: Oxycodone And Acetaminophen Dec. 01, 2021 (Drug information provided by:  IBM Micromedex) ** Something Was Wrong’s theme song was originally composed by Glad Rags and is covered this season by Kenna and the Kings.  Support and listen to Kenna and the Kings on  Spotify, YouTube , and check out their albums!

If you're serious about growing this new year, what you put into your mind actually matters. And as someone who lives and breathes careers and self-development, even I get overwhelmed trying to do it all. Between work, life, and trying to better yourself, self-care can start to feel like just another thing on the to-do list. But investing in yourself doesn't have to be complicated. And with Audible, it isn't. It's time to take care of you. And who better to help than the top voices in well-being all in one place. With Audibles Well-Being Collection, you can level up your career, finances, relationships,

sleep, parenting, or mindset. Whether you want motivation, clarity, or practical advice, there is something there to support you every step of the way. I listen while I commute, clean, work, or just when I need a little bit of downtime. You'll hear from best-selling authors Brene Brown and Jay Shetty, Chef Jamie Oliver, finance expert Rachel Rogers and popular parenting guides like raising good humans.

Kickstart your well-being journey with your first audio book free when you sign up for a 30-day trial at outtable.com. Membership is 1495 a month after 30 days. Cancel anytime. There's more to imagine when you listen. Oh, hey, how's it going?

Amazing. I just finished paying off all my debt with the help of the Credit Counseling Society. Whoa, seriously? I could really use their help. It was easy. I called and spoke with the credit counselor right away. They asked me about my debt, salary, and regular expenses,

gave me a few options, and help me along the way. You had a ton of debt. And you're saying credit counseling society helped with all of it? Yep. And now I can sleep better at night. When debt's got you, you've got us. Give credit counseling society a call today. Visit no more debts.org. Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences. Episodes can discuss topics that can be triggering, such as emotional, physical, and sexual violence, suicide, and murder. I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you're in need of support, please visit something was wrong.com slash resources

for a list of non-profit organizations that can help. Some names have been changed for anonymity purposes. Opinions expressed by the guests on the show are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of myself or audio chuck. Resources and source material are linked in the episode notes. Thank you so much for listening. me you don't know me will. Hi, I'm Ari, and I joined the Army National Guard at 17 right as I graduated high school.

I met Stan at initial entry training at MEPs at the Military Processing Center, and that is where my story begins. He gave me his phone number while we were in line to get fingerprinted. He was very obsessed with giving me his phone number, and I thought he was just very nervous and that is how we started talking. He texted me that night and we went from there. He was very talkative, very outgoing, and he seemed like he had his life together. He joined the military because he said this is what he wanted to do with his life. He said he didn't really want to go to college and he didn't really have much family and this was his way of making something for himself and I thought that was great. I thought, wow, somebody that has ambitions, somebody that

wants to do something with their life. As far as Stan goes, he didn't have a criminal background, nothing on his record at that point. So there wasn't much for the military to stop him from going in. There was no red flags that they saw because they are allowed to ask you all sorts of questions about your mental health and your history, but all it is is a questionnaire. If you get caught lying on it later, you could be prosecuted, but for the most part, most people, People just, your recruiter tells you to answer no to all questions, and that's how they verify it. They don't verify with a doctor. They don't verify with family.

They just take your word that you do not have any medical problems. They are more concerned about your physical aspect than they are about your mental health. If it's something they can't see, it's not something they ask about. Were you around the same age? He is a year older than me. A few months after Ari and Stan began dating, they left home. for boot camp in different states. After about four weeks into basic training,

I got a letter from him stating that he missed me so much and he did not love the military and that he made a bad decision and wanted to leave. This was all in letters because neither one of us had phone communication because during boot camp, I know things have changed a little bit now, but when we both went in, phones were not allowed. I was surprised and obviously I was pretty emotional myself because going through training is very emotionally taxing.

I literally turned 18, two days into this, and I'd never been away from home before. So I was already very emotional being away from home, and I felt terrible because he said I was all he had. And no one else wrote him letters, nobody else reached out to him. So I responded to him and told him, I would support his decision that he didn't have to go into the military,

but I would just support his decision either way and that I would be there for him. he took that into meaning that I would now take care of him for the rest of his life, which obviously I did not know at the time, but he thought that I was going to financially, emotionally, physically support him every way he needed. And that was not what I meant. And I was not prepared for that.

So when he just left like that, I didn't know what to do. I continued on my training and continued to write letters. And as far as I know, he went home to go live with his grandmother at the time and he stayed there and then I came home for Christmas break and that is when I spoke to him again. We saw each other a little bit during Christmas break and I was honestly very upset at the time because I had found out one of my friends had died while I was in training. He died a week before I got to come home. So I was already not ready to deal with anybody else's

emotional baggage at that point. I really didn't want to see him, but I also felt like I had to see him because he had no other family. He said his grandmother was just letting him stay there, but that she really didn't want him there. He continued to stay there. And then after the new year, I went back to training until April. While Ari was in training, she wasn't able to use her phone for several weeks, so she had time to focus on boot camp. She was then placed on another base for three months of job training. At that point, I was able to have my phone for, I'd say, probably like 30 minutes a day. Obviously, depending on the day, depending on privileges, depending on if anybody got in trouble. But that was the gist of it. So we started communicating more at that point

because he would just text me, even though I didn't have my phone, I would come back to my phone and there would be multiple texts from him, even though he knew I wasn't going to see any of it. Was he technically AWOL at this point? How did he actually leave? According to him, he's said he told his commander to F off and they honorably discharged him, which I think is shocking that if you get kicked out, you get honorably discharged. Basically, once that happens, they take away your weapon because obviously you have a weapon at that point, so they don't want someone who doesn't want to be here having a weapon. He was still going to training, sort of, but they were just basically letting him sit on the bench until they outprocessed him because you have to go

through a whole process to out process out of training. I didn't consider us together, but anytime I tried to break up with him, he would say, no, I don't accept that. Like, what does that even mean? What do you mean you don't accept that? If someone doesn't want to be with you, they don't want to be with you. So I guess according to him, we were together, according to me, we weren't. But I was still trying to communicate with him because I knew his mental health was not good and that he was very upset and he kept saying how depressed he was and that he wanted to kill himself. So I felt like if I stopped talking to him that he had no one else. When I came home for Christmas, we saw each other, I think like maybe once or twice while I was home, but I tried to not see him as much as possible at

that point because I was grieving the loss of my friend. I was very emotional. I was very happy to be home and I just didn't want to deal with someone who was just negative because all he had was negativity about not having a job and he needed to do something that was meaningful with his life and he couldn't just take any minimum wage job or any job that wasn't something he wanted to do, which at that point he should have gotten some type of job because he was living with his elderly grandmother, not working, not doing anything. What was your understanding of his parents or his background before you met? I didn't know much at first, but at this point I found out that his mother hadn't been in his life

since he was about 12 because apparently there was a lot of tension there and she was becoming unsafe. So her husband at the time just was done with her because she didn't want to get treatment and he was trying to help her but she just was refusing treatment so he just couldn't be with her anymore. So her husband at the time who he has a son with her, which is Stan's half brother, continue to raise Stan and his little brother. And his biological dad hasn't been in his life since he was one years old. His family immigrated here from Russia when he was one. So a lot of his family, it was very hard to communicate with

because they spoke English, but a lot of them spoke mainly Russian. So communication wasn't always great when I would try and ask questions. So I don't know how much of what he told me was true. I know his grandmother didn't speak any English at all, so I couldn't really ask her any questions. When I was in training, Stan was a mess at this point and would try and call me all the time. And we were sort of together, sort of not together. And to get back at me, he decided that he was going to cheat on me with someone else at this point because he said the reason he was doing this was because I was not supporting him the way I needed to.

that if something happened to him, it was going to be my fault. I came from a very happy, healthy family. So in my mind, I couldn't understand why would someone say this if they didn't feel this way? Why would someone treat you badly? I couldn't comprehend it because I had never experienced it before. I had never seen somebody twist someone's emotions or try and make them feel responsible when they actually weren't. So I just stayed. with him. I was angry. I mean, at that point, I did break up with him for, I'd say a couple of weeks, but by the time I got home from training, which was in April, he sort of moved on from it. It might have been a month later, two months later. He told me that his grandmother was no longer

going to let him stay in there, so he needed to find a place to live, which I was happy to help him look for, and he was sort of just working part-time. My family decided to let him move in because they felt very bad for him and they didn't want to leave him out in the cold. I mean, my family's very welcoming and very warm and the thought of leaving an 18, 19-year-old kid to fend for themselves was just something that my parents were not going to do.

Even though they highly discouraged it and thought it was a bad idea, they let him stay with me. What was the experience like living together? It was terrible. When I got back, I was in the National Guard still, so I still had to do my one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer

and I still had a full-time job and I was about to start college. So I was trying to just move on with my life and stay busy and see my friends, do stuff and he was very upset that I didn't want to take him to see my friends or I didn't want to hang out with him. At this point, I was trying to get away from him, but I also didn't want to kick him out without somewhere to go.

And ironically, we had to be out of where we were living so my whole entire family was moving and my parents knew I was kind of in this situation so they basically lied to me at the time which I think now is great but I did not at the time because I felt guilty they told me that the house they were moving into the landlord would only allow X amount of people

due to the septic system so he couldn't come with us I ended up finding him a place with someone who was looking for a roommate this is when I started noticing him using drugs. He moved in with his roommate, and it was a one-bedroom, but the landlord at the time didn't care as long as he was getting his rent. At first, it seemed like everything was going great,

until we found out that the neighbor next door was selling purgesets. It started with him just smoking one with the neighbor next door because it was cool. And then it turned into him taking half of one every day. Stan had started a job at a local gym, and one of the people who came into the gym was selling Vicodin. So now not only was he able to access drugs at home, he was now able to access them at work. The neighbor next door lost his license, and he would give the neighbor a ride and get some of a perkinset out of it. They would smoke a percocet together, and that would be his payment. He was still going to work. He was still paying his rent, and everything was...

going well for him, or at least he thought. At this point, I was still living with my parents, but I was at his house a little bit, but I tried not to be there as much as possible. But his apartment was only five minutes from my college I was going to. So it was very convenient for me to go over there in between classes and while he was supposed to be at work, which some of the time he wasn't even at work. But this is where things started getting worse. This is when I realized he wasn't just partying. He wasn't just going through a phase. He was full-blown addicted to drugs. And I didn't know how to get out. Ari became overwhelmed with Stan's behavior. So she ended the relationship for a time and focused on college. Until my other friend died

and I was very emotional and I called him and we started talking again. Then I also found out that I had been suspended from school for failing a class because they said my overall GPA had dropped below the standard of being able to stay in school. So I found out my friend died and found out that I also couldn't continue college. I just was at a loss at that point and I didn't know what to do. So I started going over there more because I felt so out of control myself. So that's how we continued seeing each other. Then around, I'd say probably New Year's, we had sex and I was on the pill at the time.

So I didn't think there was anything concerning about it at the time. But six weeks later on Valentine's Day, I found out I was pregnant. At that point, I knew I was stuck. We had finally gone into a point in between New Year's. I finally thought we were going to be going to. be done for good. He was actually not being as obsessive because he was so hard into the drugs until he found out that I was pregnant. And his first thought was he needed to have an abortion. And I said, that's not happening. And from there started more tensions between us.

How shocking was it for you to find out that you were pregnant, especially given that you were on birth control? It was very shocking to me. I didn't know what to do. I was so young. I was 19. I had just found out that I had been suspended from school, which ironically, I found out I got a letter two weeks later stating that the school apologized. That letter was not supposed to go out to me and that I could still continue classes. But by the time I got that letter, it was too late. I don't know, but still haunts me knowing that one simple email mistake literally changed the trajectory of the rest of my life. I was on antibiotics for a kidney infection. And I specifically asked the doctor when I was at the doctor's office

if this was something that would interfere with my birth control. And she said, absolutely not. This one is safe. This is not one of the ones that interferes with your birth control. Well, when I went back six weeks later to my pediatrician, because I was 19 and still seeing a pediatrician at the time, and explained that I was pregnant. And she said, well, you're on the pill.

And I said, well, I don't know what else would have caused it. I said, except the fact. that I had a kidney infection, she said that wouldn't interfere until the nurse actually spoke over her and said, what do you mean that wouldn't interfere? It was very shocking because I felt very prepared. I felt like I was always very responsible. Who were you able to reach out to in your life to lean on at this point? So I did tell my family because as much as I knew my parents were going to be very disappointed, I knew they'd also support whatever I was going through. My mother, I called her because I was very nervous, and I thought she was going to be mad at me,

but she was actually just mad that I called her to tell her instead of telling her face-to-face. And that night, I ended up sitting down with her and my dad, and the first thing my dad says to me is, please tell me it's not his. I said, well, there's no way it's anybody else's, so unfortunately it's his. And right then, my parents knew that this was going to be an emotional roller coaster. and that this was not going to be easy, but that they would support me however they needed and that there would always be a place for me in their home.

Ari continued living with her parents, and eventually, because he had nowhere else to go, her parents allowed Stan to move in with them again. At this point, he had started a new job, which is probably like the sixth job on a two-year span, and he kept saying he was so sick, he was so depressed, he just couldn't go to work. Meanwhile, I was,

three months pregnant at this point. I was working at my first job from six to two, Monday through Friday, and then I was working at my second job at night, about 40 hours a week from 5 to 11 or 5 to 10, or basically whatever I could work because I knew I needed to save. Was it any better than the first time living together? It was so much worse this time,

because now I was emotional, but at this point, I had no filter. I was fighting back. He would yell at me and I would yell right back at him. And my dad, obviously, did not like hearing us fight. And so my parents pretended that the landlord had written them a letter telling them they would be evicted if he didn't move out because they said that they noticed an extra car in the driveway and that if they did not move out, that they could not stay there

anymore. Us not living together didn't make things any easier because he just called me constantly. I was working anywhere from eight to 16 hours a day, every day. And he just kept complaining to me that life was so hard for him and that it was so hard for him to deal with this and that I should just have an abortion and that this is all my fault as to why he's going through what he's going through. I was very annoyed with my parents at this point, even though they just had my best interest at heart. I really thought that they just wanted him out of the picture and didn't want my child to have a father in his life. Ari decided to get an apartment of her own close to her parents' house. When I told Stan about this, because at this point he was

living on his stepfather's couch because it was the only place he could go. And when I told him I was moving out by myself, he said, well, if you're moving, I'm moving with you. And I said, well, I'm paying for this place. And he said, well, you can't move without me. And I had no idea what that was about to start. If you're serious about growing this new year, what you put into your mind actually matters. And as someone who lives and breeds careers and self-development, even I get overwhelmed trying to do it all. Between work, life, and trying to better yourself, self-care can start to feel like just another thing on the to-do list. But investing in yourself doesn't have to be complicated. And with Audible, it isn't. It's time to take care of you. And who better to help than the top voices in well-being

all in one place. With Audible's Well-Being collection, you can level up your career, finances, relationships, sleep, parenting, or mindset. Whether you want motivation, clarity, or practice, I'm skeptical advice, there is something there to support you every step of the way. I listen while I commute, clean, work, or just when I need a little bit of downtime. You'll hear from best-selling authors Brene Brown and Jay Shetty, Chef Jamie Oliver, finance expert Rachel Rogers, and popular parenting guides like Raising Good Humans. Kickstart your well-being journey with your first audiobook free when you sign up for a 30-day trial at outtable.com. Membership is 1495 a month after 30 days.

Cancel any time. There was more to imagine when you listen. How difficult was it to be working so much while pregnant and dealing with these heavy emotional things? It was extremely exhausting. I remember crying at work, not being able to function, just being so tired. Luckily, one of the places I had worked,

I had been there for probably four or five years. They'd known me since I was 15. So they were very supportive. They threw me a baby shower. They bought probably 50% of what my baby needed for me. They were just awesome and they just held on and just dealt with all my emotions up and down. But no one really understood at this point that he wasn't really working. He wasn't really helping.

He was just using drugs and existing at this point. He kept telling me that my son would not have a father because I would not help him or support him and that I would have to be the one to explain to him why his father is not in his life. So that made me feel extremely guilty. And I also felt bad because his family, his stepfather and his grandmother, couldn't have him live there anymore. So I felt like he had nowhere to go. How could I let the father of my child live on the streets?

I mean, he wasn't paying rent. He wasn't helping. But I kept thinking, well, after the baby comes, he'll change. He'll see my son. And there's no way that he's not going to change. How could you not change? because I already felt so connected to my son, how could he not feel that way after he looked at him?

I kept thinking he would just grow up, he would just snap out of it and help take care of me and the baby. I mean, not even in a financial standpoint, but just taking care of himself so that he can be a good person and help his son grow up with a father in his life that is healthy and happy. I realized he had sold his car,

which I had bought him after I'd, gotten home from training because I felt like when I was done with training that if I got him a car and tried to help him find a job, that this would result in him succeeding. And I wouldn't feel so guilty. And I figured once he had everything he needed, he would be able to survive. I at least helped him better his life, even if our relationship didn't work. Walking a mile and a half to work because he would brother sell his car for drugs. And he was stealing from his job. He was stealing money. He was stealing food. He was taking money however he could, whatever way he could, so he could get more drugs. Stan's concerning behavior continued into the fall when Ari went to the hospital to deliver

her baby. While I was in labor, he decided to wait until I was almost under from getting my epidural. When I was in excruciating pain, he asked me if he could take my debit card to take money out of my account. And I told him yes, because at that point, I was in the middle of labor. I didn't even really understand at the time what was going on. I just wanted my baby out. He almost missed the birth of his son because he was out getting drugs while I was in labor. And when he was there, he was nodding off because he was so high. And the nurses at the time apparently didn't realize that he was on drugs and just kept saying how he must be so tired and they put a blanket on him and said we needed to let him rest like he was the one going through labor pushing on a baby after ari welcomed

her son to the world and headed home she realized that she couldn't trust stan with the baby i wanted to get away from him and i didn't know how so i thought about moving home with my parents because luckily i had moved into an apartment that was a month to month so i could leave as long as i gave 30 days notice. Stan had asked me for money and I said, well, this money is for rent. And if this money isn't here, then you're going to have to move out and I'm going to have to move back home with my parents. And he said, well, that's fine because I need my drugs. So I put in my notice at my place and we were to move 30 days later for three weeks into that 30 day notice or two weeks into that 30 day notice. I tried to leave with my son, but Stan had asked me if he could take him somewhere.

And I said, absolutely not. You're not driving or being alone with my son. You're not stable. You're out of control. You're not. And he's like, well, then you have to come with me. And I said, I absolutely am not coming with you. And you're not taking the baby out of state to go see your family while you're like this or at all. I said, if you want to do that, that's something we can set up and I will take him down there, but you were not leaving with him alone. You were not safe or stable. I was supposed to go meet up with my mom and a couple of other friends. And he said, well, you're not leaving with him. He's like, you can leave, but you're not taking him with you. So after many tears and this huge fight, I finally said, fine, I just won't leave it all. I'll just stay here.

And eventually he calmed down and I said, hey, I said, I'm just going to run to the store. I'm just going to take my son to go get diapers, and I'll be back. When I left, I instantly called my parents, and I called one of my best friends at the time, and I explained to her what was going on, and I said, I can't leave. I need to leave him, but I can't leave, and I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to go to my parents' house because I didn't want him to come looking for me. So my friend talked me through what I should do and said I should call the police, and that I should get him removed from the home. I called the police and they told me that legally, because we lived together for more than 10 days, even though my name was on the lease and not his, I could not tell him he had to leave

and that if I wanted to leave, I could leave, but that I could not legally get him out of the apartment. I was worried I was going to come back and none of my stuff was going to be there. I mean, everything for my son was there, his diapers, his crib, his toys, his clothes. I couldn't just leave. I could have left all my stuff and I would have been fine, but there was no way in hell I was leaving my son with nothing when my family and my friends are the ones who had gotten him everything that he needed to make sure that I would survive as a mom. So I called my parents, historical, asking what I should do. And without hesitation, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, they said, don't worry about it. Come give me your key.

We're going to get your stuff. You're not staying there. Stan didn't really know that I wasn't coming So then he was trying to call me telling me I had to come home and that I couldn't do this to him. And I just eventually shut my phone off because I couldn't deal with it. So I just stayed at my friend's house and I was just hysterical. But she kept telling me how I was doing the right thing. And at one point, my mom was grabbing a box of diapers and Stan's sister, who he had been sort of estranged from, had bought my son a box of diapers. And he said, you can't take those. Those are mine.

And my mother was like, really? What are you going to do? Wear the diapers? You're going to sell the diapers? I'm taking the diapers. These are for your son. And it started a big fight. Once he realized that I was not coming back, he decided to lock himself in the bathroom of the apartment with his knife. And he said that he was going to kill himself. So my parents called 911. And because he was a threat to himself or others, the police were allowed to come. And the reason my parents were allowed to go in there was because they didn't break into the apartment. But when the police finally did show up, they took Stan away and took stand away and They took him to the hospital for Psychie Val. After four hours, they released him. They said that he wasn't actually a threat to himself or others,

but that he was just so messed up on drugs that he just couldn't control himself. So then he went back to the empty apartment. All that was left was a couch. At this point, I knew I was done with him. So I was living back with my parents and just tried to still co-parent with him, even though he couldn't see the baby unless he was supervised, because he was so out of control. I was now essentially a single mom

because he was not really there. I couldn't let him see our son without me being right there, which sort of was that tie I couldn't break because I felt like if I didn't let him at least visit with him once a week, even if it was for a couple hours, and it was in my care,

I felt like it was going to be my fault that he wouldn't be in my son's life. What was his behavior like towards you when you left and moved back in with your parents? He was trying to get back together with me, and he was very volatile, and he kept saying that we were going to find a place together, and he was going to go to rehab,

and he was going to get it together, but he wasn't making any steps to actually go to rehab. He wanted to continue using drugs and have his family. He wanted to have both, and that just was not going to happen. If I wouldn't answer the phone, he would call me work. It was getting to a point where he was about to get me in trouble at work because he was calling the store phone to try and talk to me when I wouldn't answer the phone.

Luckily, I had a good boss that had been through a domestic violence situation herself, and she knew that tearing me down because of his actions was not going to help. So she just made it very clear that if he'd called for me that no one was supposed to give me the phone, I wasn't there. That was supposed to be the end of it. How amazing someone having understanding themselves the difference that it makes. Oh, it really does. And ironically, we ended up speaking to some of my old neighbors from the apartment,

and they actually wanted to check to make sure that nothing bad had happened to me because they said they had heard all the screaming that he was doing at me all the time, and they wanted to make sure I was okay, which was good that they were concerned, but also bothered me that no one felt the need to talk to me or step in until they saw me moving out, when they saw people showing up to move my stuff out. Ironically, I guess they did technically try and help, and I didn't realize it at the time,

but they had reported that our TV was too loud. They would always say that and it made no sense to me. The TV was never up super loud. So I now know that what they were reporting was not my TV.

They must have thought it was the TV and it was him screaming at me at the top of his lungs. It just absolutely blows my mind. I can see why they totally never tried to call again because when we got the letter stating that we were too loud,

he went down to the neighbor downstairs and knocked on their door and asked them what their problem was. And he's a monstrous man. I mean, he's 6'5. He was 250 at this point. He was huge. I mean, I would have been very scared of someone I didn't know from the upstairs apartment had come down and start yelling at me for complaining. I also found out that in the state of New Hampshire, if you are not married when you have a baby and both parents are on the birth certificate, that whoever physically has the child in their hands is the one who physically has custody at the time. And the only way to get your child back is to file a petition with the court, which at that point, I was so scared because he was born in Russia and he always threatened that he would take him to Russia. And I was terrified. I was never going to see my baby again. Not only just cross-country,

I was scared he was going to leave the country with my baby. So this made me so nervous with him, even when I would do supervised visits, even if I had to go to the bathroom, I'd take the baby with me because I was scared. If I had to go to my car for something and we were inside, his stepfather's apartment, I took the baby with me because I was scared that he wasn't going to let me back in and then I was going to have to call the cops and I wasn't going to see him again. So I was basically walking on eggshells this entire time, scared that at any given moment, he was just going to run with him and there was nothing I could do. And he really didn't have anybody to talk any sense to him.

And of course, he was twisting things. So he kept saying, I wasn't giving him the option to see his child. He just kept spinning it to everybody on Facebook and stuff like that. like that, that I was just not allowing them to see his child, not explaining that I never said he couldn't see his child. I just wanted my child to be safe. Anytime I said, well, my parents said this, he'd be like, well, it's because your mommy's little girl, your daddy's little girl, that's why. You just listen to whatever they say. You don't have any thoughts for yourself. So he kept making me feel like my parents were brainwashing me to just not like him. In reality, it was him who

was brainwashing me. My son had his first birthday party. And, And Stan came and he was extremely high. So we got into a huge fight. And I told him I was absolutely done. I said, this is the end of me trying to supervise. This is the end of us. This is the end of everything. You need to move on with your life.

You need to get help. And if you want to see your son, you need to get help. But I'm going to the court. And I'm going to get a parenting plan because I am not worrying about my son. He was crying and threatening to kill himself. and told me I had to take him back. But at this point, I was done. There was no going back.

He knew that there was really no going back. I was living with my parents. I had help from my family, and I didn't need him, and he knew that. So he knew there was less leverage that he had on me. One day while Ari was at work, Stan called her mom, who was babysitting, to ask if he could come by the house to see the baby.

I said, yep, as long as you're watching him, it's fine. Well, my mom went to the bathroom and she looked out and he had left with him. I kept calling him. I was hysterical because I called the police to explain that my ex was on drugs and had my son with him and I didn't know where he was. And I basically explained that nothing had been established through the court but that we had been supervising him watching him because he was an unstable person. And they said, unfortunately, unless you have something through the court, there's nothing we can do. And I said, even though he is on drugs and they were like, well, no one saw him take the drug. So unfortunately, there's nothing we can do. How long did he take the baby

for? Because to me, as a mother, that's the most terrifying thing I can think of. It was probably like an hour to two hours. And this poor girl that I was working with, it was her first shift or second shift. And I'm in the back room, hysterically crying, trying to hold it together. But knowing that this isn't right, I'm just terrified. And not knowing if he was ever even going to call me back. I didn't know. I mean, it was easy enough to Google what the laws were in New Hampshire. And I didn't know at the time that he didn't know what the laws were.

That's so scary. And at this point, he was heavily dosing himself. And for those that don't know, Perkissette is an opioid, correct? Yes, it is. According to the Mayo Clinic, Perkissette is an opioid, a combination of oxycodone and acetyaminopin. And the combination is used to relieve pain severe enough to require opioid treatment. And when other pain medicines do not work well enough or can't be tolerated,

oxycodone acts on the brain's central nervous system to relieve pain. When oxycodone is used for a long time, it may become habit-forming, causing mental or physical dependence. Perkissette was created to help those living with chronic pain conditions. So I was hysterical. He finally got in touch with me and he said he was on his way. And this whole time, he didn't actually know the way custody worked in New Hampshire, which definitely worked in my favor because had he known that,

he probably would have made me taken back to court in order to see my son. I'm hysterical. My dad had shown up to my work because I was just a mess and I was scared. and he wanted to try and help. And Stan shows up. And he was like, my phone was off. I just, I forgot. I was like, you weren't supposed to leave the house with the baby.

You should not have been driving with the baby. He gave me my son back. My dad put him in the car. And he then tried to fight my dad. And my dad stepped to him and said, you want to do it? Let's go. And he backed right down, which was shocking. Monday morning, I filed for emergency custody.

explain the situation and explained that I was fearful that he would leave the country with my son, that he is on drugs, and that I'm not against him seeing him, but that I just would like him to be supervised, that we need some sort of parenting plan. So with emergency custody, you have to actually call and notify them that you were filing for emergency custody. So I had to call and explain to him that I was filing for custody, which he was screaming at me about. And I knew was going to put myself in danger, but at the time, I didn't really care because I just wanted to make sure my son was safe. He knew that I was going to file it. And so the lady at the court had to watch me call him. I got off the phone with him. I filed the paperwork and I waited for the judge to

sign the order and I was granted emergency custody. There was a court date set, but I believe it was like two weeks out or something. And at this point, Stan had been calling me telling me he was going to kill himself over that two week period between when I got emergency custody and the final hearing. He would send me a picture at the top of a building in the city, and he would tell me that you'll never hear from me again and then shut his phone off and then would make me upset because even though I didn't want him around my son, I still didn't want anything terrible to happen to him.

So at one of these points, he must have taken a ton of drugs and went to the hospital, and they admitted him on a psych hold because he said he wanted to kill himself. I thought at the time that he was finally getting help, and I found out that he purposely got himself, committed so that he would miss the court hearing thinking that it would delay everything, thinking that they wouldn't be able to make a decision.

So when I explained to the judge that he was not present because he was committed on a psych hold, the judge immediately granted full custody and said that he would be allowed to see my son, but that it would be supervised and that if he wanted something different, that he could file it with the court. And he never did. This was all right after my son's first birthday. Once that was over with, he just started becoming very, very aggressive and stalking me and trying to know what I was doing all the time and would constantly call him and be like,

I need to talk to my son. You need to let me talk to my son or I'm going to tell the court that you're purposely not allowing me to see my son. After being separated romantically from Stan for quite a while, Ari began casually dating. After he found out I was seeing someone, he decided that he was going to put a post on Facebook, book blasting me, showing just my side of the text messages, telling him that he needed to, that he wouldn't be able to see his son, but he didn't show the side that said, you're not going to be able to see your son while you're like this. You're not going to be able to see your son until you get help. You need to go to a center because he refused to call a center to get supervised

visits. He just kept trying to get me to be the supervisor. And in this time frame from November to January, I tried it once. I tried once. And he just kept trying to convince me to get back together with him and that he'd change and we could be a family. At that point, I was like, no, we're never trying this again. I don't feel safe with you. I don't feel safe with you around the baby. If you want to try and see him, you need to call the center and set something up like the court order says. And he was so angry. He kept telling his family that everything was my fault and then I was not allowing him access to his child because he said because he didn't have a car, which at this point, there was a bus from where he was staying to where I was living.

So he easily could have taken the bus and gone to see him, but he just didn't want to be bothered with it. He'd started texting me like 100 times a day and telling me, pick up the phone now. If you don't pick up the phone now, I'm going to call CPS on you. For what? I don't know. But then when that didn't work, he said, oh, well, last time I was at your house,

I hit a pill in your apartment. So you better hope that I don't call CPS because if I do, they're going to find it, and then you're going to get him taken away, because if I can't have him, no one can. And that is when I really, really started getting scared. His best friend at the time actually called me. He received messages from him basically stating that no one is going to have hurt the baby if it's not me. So his friend relayed that to me and said, you need to make sure you stay away from him.

You need to make sure you don't allow him to see him not supervised, and you need to make sure you're safe. for yourself. And at this point, I knew how bad it was. So after his friend relayed to me the safety thing, I changed my phone number because I was scared and thought all was good until a couple days later when I get a random text. And I'm like, how did you get this number? I found out it was because my cell phone provider had allowed him to access the account because he knew all of my security questions. So they had now told my abuser what my new phone number was. So at that point, once my dad found out that, he was furious. So my dad switched my email to an unhackable email so that he wouldn't have access to it and we changed my number again. When my original email stopped

working, because I blocked him on that, he started emailing me through my email email. So the email that he sent me on January 21st was, please read every word. I'm begging you to try and feel and understand the reality. It is life and death. It is the truest, most intimate part of me. Explanation of everything and knowing I will never get what I want or need. And these are my last words to you.

You will never sacrifice what you have because you can't feel for me the way I feel for you. I'd give anything for you. You'll understand. I'd never walk away from somebody who saw me and needed me like a father. Like our son needs you. I'd at least try to make it work if I were you, or at least until there was no doubt that it won't work. This new guy you're seeing doesn't need you like I do.

It's a sack of race I'd make. I'm not asking for my girlfriend back. I'm begging for the woman I loved as strongly and needed as desperately as a person loves their mother. It is a need. His next email said, please, if everything I wrote and begged was in vain, at least please come down to me and hug me

and tell me everything will be okay. Please, hold me like somebody who loves me as like a child would hold. Please, I haven't let that kind of love since I was a little boy until I met you. Since you left. I have nobody but you, at least made me feel loved like that. You have your family. I have nobody. All I said back to him was, do not talk to me, do not contact me. Stop trying to bully me to make me do things the way you want to. Our son is not safe alone with you. There was no one to supervise you with him. And the child is selfish way you acted by manipulating the one time I said no to you seeing him. And making it look bad and trying to publicly manipulate other people has made me realize you should never be trusted.

I hate you. Never thought I'd say it, but honestly, I hate you more than anything. I hope. one day you realize how much of a jerk you were about this and how much you need your own head examined since you forgot that you called me over 175 times in a three-day period. And that is when I responded the way I did. I'm at no obligation to have my phone on me at all times just because you need to reach me. Forget us ever being friendly because that will never happen. And if you don't keep things off of social media that proves that you've nothing better to do than to round up followers to make you feel empowered, goodbye. Do not contact me and I hate how evil you are. You hurt me because you made a situation look different than it was. I'm not embarrassed. It's just ridiculous that the

only people who say anything know almost nothing about our situation. Stay out of my life. If you'd like to see your son, contact me and I'll schedule a meeting with the center. If not, then you can take me to court, which unlike you, I'm not going to try and threaten you since I'm not doing anything wrong. What did he say back to that? I'm having a hard time staying clean and unanxious due to how negatively I feel about how I hate you. Also adding how I know, it's all lost and I have nothing left to lose because even when eventually I get the joint custody, the family is gone and I will always be fighting your agenda and selfishness. I can be a millionaire and start a family and my own and love my family. There will still be this anger and hate I have for you for all that you've

had, me spilling my deepest and most honest emotions in the way you reacted so selfishly. How you feel you've done nothing wrong and you can always have it your way regardless of who it has to suffer for you to have what you want. It's pure unadulterated evil. I have absolutely no reason to say this. I don't know why I'm saying it, but I am. You need to hear it. And I hope with every ounce of my existence that somebody you love does the same exact thing to you. They walk away when you need the most. They act selfishly when you need them to care. They become mean and unsatisfied no matter how kind you are and what you do for them. Actually, I hope it's the guy you're seeing now that does it. I also hope and pray that one day you'll need something for me. Maybe as small as watching our son outside of the schedule or as big

as anything, I'll react the same way you always did. I'm not saying I'll be mean or evil or anything, but I will react the same way you always did to me. Obviously, that's all I need to say because if you weren't embarrassed or thought you were wrong, you'd have no problem with the world seeing what I put up. As much as I hate you, I almost wish you'll never have to feel what I felt. I almost wish you'll never go through what I went through. Maybe you'll have an epiphany and see what you've done. Maybe eventually things will work and will be on good terms and be friendly. Maybe you'll be able to treat me like a human being.

Also, because you've chosen to put us on bad terms and I can no longer communicate with you. I've notified my friends and they will be watching a reading with what happens with court very closely. If everything stays good between us, then I'll be good and you won't hear from my friends. If not, they'll search for you and find you online and message you their opinions just because they have my back. and if I'm suffering or will be. They want to know, and they want to let you know how your actions and words affect me

and others around me. If you want to discuss my game plan for court and what I will try to prove, achieve, and go for, please feel free to contact me. There's still space to avoid an all-out legal war and find some middle ground. I want to make this as smooth as possible. I really hope you'll come around,

but if not, we'll cope. If you want to communicate with me about anything else, please feel free. I strongly urge you to call me regarding my trust issue. I trust you promises, but I needed to hear it from your mouth. I'm so sorry. What does it like to look at these again?

It's been how long since you've looked at these? It's just absolutely crazy how much he's turning it on me. This is one of the last emails he sent to me was, my life is a death sentence. I signed my death warrant once I took you back. Once I picked up the first perk out of sadness that you didn't move in with me, my life was over. I'll never be able to fix my life.

There's nobody to stand next to me. There's no family to fight for. It's all in ruins. My death, whenever it comes, is a direct outcome of what you did to me for three years, how you treated me and how I'll make sure the world knows it. You know how much the media likes death from bullies. You did so much evil to me and your answer was to move on. Your answer was just not to admit you did anything wrong, to blame it on me, to call me psycho. All you did wrong, and you

couldn't take responsibility for it. Always blaming me for not moving on, hanging out with your friends before I left, not spending time with me while you came home on Christmas, after I had just gave up the army, treating me like crap while you were at the army, leading me on to move out and then not coming with me. And then moving out when it was convenient for you, At that point, it was me that became evil and everything you did. Not believing I got clean and treating me like shit and always lying. My life is ruined because of all that. I would never have started drugs if you had lived up to being a good girlfriend, but no,

it was too much to deal with. You left so you didn't have to deal with it. A woman I loved like my own mother left me to die. Would you deny all this? You twisted on me again, you ruined me. My mother was the last straw. I needed you and you were selfish. You chose a guy over me, but you never chose me.

So everything that happens now is on you. Your failure to take responsibility for what you did to me, but in the end you will have what you want. Me, gone, and your freedom to have a life with our son without me. Couldn't even say sorry, this isn't a suicide note. I'm not saying I'll kill myself. Soon, my life will be over. And if you so much just try to talk to anybody in my family

or have the nerve to say anything to anybody, you will burn in hell. After how you treated me, there's nothing you can do to redeem yourself. Nobody wants to hear a word from you because any guilt. You have seen the way you've treated me, you'll have none. If you want the death certificate and obituary to prove it, I'll provide it for you, but do not exacerbate the pain you cause me any further. you shouldn't need a reason.

I hate you. I'm empty without you, but I hate you. Like I said, I hope it all makes sense to you now. Don't tell your family. Keep it to yourself. I don't need any of them contacting my side. At least give me that, pretending they give a crap when they actually don't. And I responded with fine.

I'm so sorry. I was so scared at that point that I kept feeling like he was going to hurt me or do something to me. So I didn't go outside. One Friday morning on a day morning on a day. her way to college, Ari took her son to drop him off at his daycare, as was part of her weekly routine. I had this looming feeling that something was wrong. Like someone was following me, but I thought I was losing my mind. So when I went into the daycare, which was a home daycare, I said, I don't know. I said, I feel like someone's following me. And she looked out and sure enough, there was Stan hiding in

the bushes. He was hiding with some sort of duffel bag and my car was still running. And I was so scared that I didn't go back outside, and this brave woman ran outside and chased him out and said, Stan, I know you're out there, you need to leave, you need to leave my property. I have babies inside here, and you can't be here. And he realized she saw him after her yelling, and he scurried off to the car and peeled away. After he left, I was very upset. They had all the kids hiding in the lockdown area in the attic at the time, because they didn't know if he was going to come back

or what was going to happen. He had told me before that his uncle had access to weapons, so we didn't know if there was any guns in there, if he had anything that was going to be able to break down the door. So we called police. They asked me if he was still there. And I said, no. And they said, well, then there's nothing we can do.

I said, aren't even going to come out and check the area? They said, well, he's probably long gone at this point. And they urged me to go file a restraining order. So the daycare provider called the cops back and explained that she has children inside. there, lots of children, and that she's very uncomfortable and would like them to at least do a search to make sure he's not still a street away, just waiting until I come outside to come back or waiting until I leave to go take my son from the daycare. And they still said there was nothing

they could do. Felt defeated at the time, but I called my family, explained what was going on, and I went with my dad to the court to file a restraining order. I had all the emails, I had all the text messages. I explained that he had texted me over like 170 times, that he called me over a hundred times, and that I was fear for my life, that he was hiding in a bush outside the daycare, and that he had threatened to harm me, and that if he couldn't see me, no one else could, and I waited while the judge reviewed the restraining order, and they came back out and told me it was denied. They said that my fear did not rise to the level of imminent danger per the statute. and that there was nothing I could do,

and then if anything more happened, to come back and file one. I was crying at this point and yelled at the lady, this poor lady that was just relaying a message, it wasn't her fault, but I said, next time you hear about me, it's going to be because you hear that I'm dead.

And I walked out with my dad. I felt like, okay, so if something happens, the cops aren't going to come save me. The court's not going to help me. and if he takes me back to court, he might win custody because apparently they don't care about anything that he's doing. What he's doing is not considered abuse according to them.

So I just felt like I was absolutely stuck and this nightmare was never going to end. After the terrifying incident at her son's daycare that Friday, she didn't hear from Stan all weekend. As much as I was relieved, I also felt it's scary. Why he hasn't reached out to my mom or my dad or me or anybody. And someone who just was willing to go to lengths to show up. up and hide in the bushes, isn't someone who's just going to go away. At the time, I was going to college, and I tried to make my Mondays and Wednesdays as easy as possible. I had classes from 8 a.m.

to 8 p.m. so that I could still work, and I could spend less time in class, like less days in class, so that I could spend more time with my son. It worked out great that my dad was able to watch him for me on the nights that I had to stay late because my dad would just pick my son up from daycare. So I get out of my 8 o'clock class at around I think 9.30 in the morning and go to get in my car, getting ready to go to the gym. And all of a sudden I see Stan a pair out of nowhere. And I say, what are you doing? And he says, I have a gun.

I'm not afraid to use it. And if you don't get in the car with me, a lot of people are going to die. And I looked and I saw that everyone was getting out of the school building. And at this point, I mean, he had shown up at the daycare three. three days prior. So I knew I had dropped my son off that morning. I didn't know where my son was. I didn't know where my family was. I didn't know if he'd shown up on my house after I left. I didn't know. So I tried fighting with him at first and I was like, I'm not getting in the car with you. And he told me if I didn't listen that he would tie me up and put me in the trunk and kill me in front of my son.

The second half of Ari's heroic story is next week on something was wrong. Something Was Wrong is an Audio Chuck production, created and hosted by Tiffany Reese. Our theme song was originally composed by Gladrags, covered this season by Kenna and the Kings. So what do you think, Chuck? Do you approve?