Something Was Wrong - S11 Ep3: [Ari] Help Me

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

This week survivor Ari shares Part 2 of her story. *Content warning: This episode includes descriptions of abduction, rape, Substance Use Disorder, psychological and physical violence. **Resources:��SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, available in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders at 1-800-662-4357. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.The Domestic Violence Hotline offers free and confidential support, 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233), text "START" to 88788 or chat with someone confidentially at https://www.thehotline.orgThe National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)'s mission is to lead, mobilize and raise our voices to support efforts that demand a change of conditions that lead to domestic violence such as patriarchy, privilege, racism, sexism, and classism. We are dedicated to supporting survivors and holding offenders accountable and supporting advocates. https://ncadv.org/contact-usFor more free mental health resources, please visit SomethingWasWrong.com/Resources Sources: N/A**Something Was Wrong’s theme song was originally composed by Glad Rags and is covered this season by Kenna and the Kings. Support and listen to Kenna and the Kings on  Spotify, YouTube , and check out their albums!

If you're serious about growing this new year, what you put into your mind actually matters. And as someone who lives and breathes careers and self-development, even I get overwhelmed trying to do it all. Between work, life, and trying to better yourself, self-care can start to feel like just another thing on the to-do list. But investing in yourself doesn't have to be complicated. And with Audible, it isn't. It's time to take care of you. And who better to help than the top voices in well-being all in one place. With Audibles Well-Being Collection, you can level up your career, finances, relationships,

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Whoa, seriously? I could really use their help. It was easy. I called and spoke with a credit counselor right away. They asked me about my debt, salary, and regular expenses, gave me a few options, and helped me along the way. You had a ton of debt. And you're saying credit counseling society helped with all of it?

Yep, and now I can sleep better at night. When debt's got you, you've got us. Give credit counseling society a call today. Visit no more debts.org. Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences. Episodes can discuss topics that can be triggering, such as emotional, physical, and sexual violence, suicide and murder. I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you're in need of support, please visit

something was wrong.com slash resources for a list of non-profit organizations that can help. Some names have been changed for anonymity purposes. Opinions expressed by the guests on the show are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of myself or audio chuck. Resources and source material are linked in the episode notes. Thank you so much for listening. You think you know me, you don't know me will. Please note today's episode includes descriptions of physical and sexual violence. Please use caution when listening. Thank you.

So I get out of my 8 o'clock class at around, I think, 9.30 in the morning and go to get in my car, getting ready to go to the gym. And all of a sudden I see Stan a pair out of nowhere. and I say, what are you doing? And he says, I have a gun. I'm not afraid to use it. And if you don't get in the car with me, a lot of people are going to die. And I looked and I saw that everyone was getting out of the school building. And at this point, I mean, he had shown up at the daycare three days prior.

So I knew I had dropped my son off that morning. I didn't know where my son was. I didn't know where my family was. I didn't know if he'd shown up on my house after I left. I didn't know. So I tried fighting with him at first and I was like, I'm not getting in the car. you. And he told me if I didn't listen that he would tie me up and put me in the trunk and kill

me in front of my son. So at that point, I realized I had no choice because I was not risking him harming anybody else. Not today. He then forces me to go drive around to various ATMs so that he can withdraw money from my account, which overdrew my account. So shockingly, the bank, they allowed you to withdraw money and you just had to hit yes that you knew it was withdrawing your account. Why they did that, I don't know. But he continued to do that. And everywhere we go, he tells me that if I run, he will kill me. So I just stay. I just kept racking all these ideas in my head because he was driving the car. I was like, what if I grabbed the steering wheel and crash the car? Or what if I hit the blinker or hit the hazards or hit something for someone behind us to figure out?

Or what if I signal a cop? But I could not risk not knowing where my son was. I had no way to contact anybody because I couldn't use my phone while I was with him. I actually had it hidden. I was hoping when the time was right, I could use it. But he never left me alone. I felt like there's no way one person could just plan all of this. But he had apparently been planning it for days.

He had hacked into my Gmail account, which had my calendar. And because I didn't know he had the password or anything, I had saved my class schedule and I had saved what building I was at because it was my first week of classes. So that's how he was able to find me. And he was laughing at the fact that he was smarter than me, that he was able to find me because I had my schedule perfectly planned out because he said I was too predictable. After going to all those ATMs, he finally said he was going to take me to a multi-alth because he was going to use the cash because they didn't care because most places needed card. I didn't know what was going to happen, but we continued driving, and he stopped at a 7-Eleven right by the motel. He went in and he bought some stuff, and he did keep me in the car at this point, but he had tied my hands. I was looking around and he was parked very close to the store, so I didn't know if I'd be able to get away fast enough, but I was on a main road. So I was like, you know what? If I just run in the middle of the road and get hit by a car right now, then at least it'll get me away from him. Or I will get someone to stop and help me.

Then I realized he was not going to leave me alone. He had walked around the back of the car. He untied me for a second and we started walking into the store and he pointed to this old couple and he said, if you scream or you ask for help, that's who I'm killing. So I didn't. And then when we finally got back from inside the store to the car, that's when he retied my hands. He was looking at something on his phone and I sort of like raised my hands up to try and show the person in the car next to me. And he just stared at me blankly. I don't know if he didn't want to get involved, but the guy looked a little messed up himself and just kept staring at me.

And I was like, oh, great. This person just saw that my hands are tied up and didn't think it was alarming. Didn't think that maybe I should call the cops. So I just hoped the next destination we got that maybe someone would figure it out. So we arrived at the motel, which was a couple minutes away from the gas station.

And when we're going to check in, he put my ID down because he didn't want his name to be put down because he said he didn't want anyone to find us. So I gave them my ID and he gave them the cash. The guy was looking at me and asking me questions and I was trying to meld to him help me. And he literally at one point looked at me and went, is there something wrong? I didn't even know what to say because I was so scared.

I was hoping that he would have noticed and he would have called the cops and they would have just knocked on the door. And that would have been the end of it. but it just is not the case. So we get into the rum and check in, and the room is absolutely freezing. I'm shaking because at this point, my anxiety is high, I'm cold, I'm just completely terrified.

And he makes sure that we're barricaded in there, and we are, he ties me up and tells me I have to lay on the bed. And when he does that, he shows me his knife. So now I knew not only did, Did he have a gun? He never took it out of his pocket, but he showed me the end of the gun pointing at me

when we were at the school. But at this point, he took his knife out, so I realized not only does he have a gun, but a knife. When Stan eventually left Ari alone for a brief moment while he went to the bathroom, she began trying to figure out a way to escape. I was looking around for anything, anything possible. Where's my cell phone? Where is the phone? because the phone connected.

By the time I tried to get to the phone, he realized that I was trying to use it, so he disconnected it and hit it. He then asked me, where's your cell phone? Ari's cell phone had broken the week before, but she had borrowed a phone from her sister that was also on her dad's phone plan.

Before we got into the room, I had the phone in my back pocket, so I slid it under the passenger seat because I figured at some point someone was going to realize I'm missing, and at least if the phone was still on, that they'd be able to transmit and find where I, am. But after I tried to grab the phone, he realized that it was a possibility I had a cell phone. And so then I had to tell him because he said if I didn't tell him that it would be worse for me later.

So I did. At this point, I knew I have no phone, I have no way out, and I'm stuck here. And he is twice my size, so I didn't feel like I could run fast enough, untie myself fast enough and run fast enough to be able to get away. He had my keys. It's not like I could have grabbed the keys and gotten in the car. The room we were in was on the backside of the motel, so it was too far away that I couldn't have run to the office and have them lock me in it because I did think about that, but it just wasn't possible. At this point, he decided that he was going to give me half a percassette. It made me feel very sick. I was upset because I was still in the military at the time. And I'm thinking, oh, man, if I do make it out of this, I'm going to lose everything I worked for. And I am just shaking. I don't remember what time it was because, I mean, we didn't. have a clock in there, but he turns on the TV to make sure he's not on the news. And then he was like, what's wrong with you? I was like, I don't feel good. I feel sick. So he was like, well, we'll go and get some food. Stan then agreed to take her to a nearby sub shop so she could eat.

He untied me, threatened me that he would kill me if I did run. And if I did get away, that he would make sure somebody else paid for. So we go in, we order food. We walk out, and when we went back to the motel, he stopped at the front desk and said, our room is freezing, we need to switch rooms. So then we switched to a different room. And this room was on the bottom floor versus the first room was on the second floor. I thought, okay, I'm close enough to the ground. I mean, there's no way I would have been able to get down all those stairs, but I'm close enough.

Maybe I'll be able to run. Didn't think it was possible, but still thought at least I had a shot. This point, we're probably, I don't know, six hours. in because he had taken me at like 9.30, maybe four hours in. And he decides that because he has already taken me and that he's probably going to go out suicide by cop, that he might as well just rate me. He flipped me over and made sure I wasn't looking at him. And he started to read me. And then he tried to flip me back over. And then he realized I was crying and he stopped. And I thought, great. He was finally done. This was over with. But I knew from

this point forward, this wasn't just someone who wanted to see their kid. This wasn't someone who just wanted to be with me. This was someone who wanted to do harm to me. This was someone who wanted to make sure that I didn't survive. And if I did survive, I was not going to be okay after. So I was just numb at this point. I mean, I was still feeling sick from the Percocene. I was shaking. I felt out of control. And it didn't like feeling like that. I finally asked him what time it was. It was about 6 p.m., I think.

And he told me that if I allowed him to have sex with me, which was rape, not sex, that he would let me go. He said he didn't want it to feel like he was forcing me to do it. So he wanted me to just do it. So I did. And I thought he was going to let me go. go and he didn't. So then I started trying to devise another plan in my head of this is never going to end. I'm never going to see my mom again. I'm never going to see my dad again. I started crying that I just

wanted my mom. I just wanted to see my family again because I was pretty confident that he was going to kill me and I still think to this day that that was a pretty big possibility. And around 8 p.m., I finally convinced him that my parents would be expecting me home and that if I didn't come home because of what had happened three days prior about him showing up at the daycare, that they would immediately call the cops and that people would be looking for me. So if he had any chance of walking out of this and changing his mind and possibly not going to jail or killing himself, that this was the only way to do it. And once he agrees, he tells me I have to use Star 6-7, but I was able to sneak in a call for about three seconds without him noticing me.

And I immediately hung up. I said, oh, sorry, I said it didn't even start ringing yet. So he took it and then he dialed the number the second time. But what he didn't know is that my dad now had the number because even though the call didn't go through, the number still popped up on his phone. When I get hold of my dad, I tell him, I said, Stan is kidnapped me and he's not going to let me go

and you can't call the cops because if you call the cops, he's going to kill me. And he was like, you're joking. This isn't real. My dad just couldn't process this. So I stayed on the phone with my dad for about a minute. I can't even remember at this point. It all just so traumatic. The second Ari ended the call, Stan shut off the phone.

Because he was scared of it being tracked. Because he still knew it was a possibility that my dad was going to call the cops, which immediately my dad, while he was screaming about what was going on with me, my mom was in the other room on her phone calling 911. It took a little bit of figuring out because technically we lived in one county, but my school was in another county, but the original, him trying to take me three days prior, was in another county.

So there was a lot of back and forth about which police department that should be reported to. So they originally had it reported to the police station where I lived. And then they took all the information, and they were very nice and very kind to my family, but they were like, well, if she wasn't taken from here, we're probably not going to be able to help. There's not much we can do.

We need to find what jurisdiction this falls under. So they ended up finding out it was the jurisdiction of my school because they backtracked my steps at this point and realized that I had only showed up to one of my classes and then called to school. Thankfully, law enforcement was then able to track Ari's next movements through the ATM transactions Stan had made on their way to the motel. I still can't remember if they traced his phone, but I believe they just traced the last ping,

so they knew within so many miles of where I was, and then they were able to see that my car was located, and that's when the standoff began. The hostage negotiators finally show up at around 10 or 11 p.m., I believe. And I still didn't really have access to the clock. So I'm basing this off of things I found out after the fact. But they finally made contact with the room, and they convinced him. I believe they got him to pick up his cell phone.

At this point, the drugs were really starting to hit me and make me feel sick. They started talking to him, trying to convince him to let me go. And this happened for the next eight hours. hours from 10 a.m. to 6 a.m. They tried to get me to reason with him. Even though I was being held against my will and I had already been raped and he had already threatened to kill me, the hostage negotiator was like, just tell him that he'll be able to see his son if you leave. I said, I will absolutely not do that. I'm not. They were like, just tell him that it's going to be okay, that you guys can be a family. I said, but that's not happening. I'm not telling him that.

And I don't know what it was. Even though it probably would have helped, I couldn't. I feel like At this point, I had fought so hard to get away from him and fought so hard to get help. I was not going to do anything to possibly have it be used against me later where they were going to say that I told him he could see a son. It still didn't fully grasp at this point. I understood what was happening, but I wasn't thinking about, oh, he's going to go to jail. I was thinking if he gets out of this, then he's going to try and take me back to court. He's going to try and get custody. And someone who just has raped the mother of his child and who had texted their stepfather to tell them that they enjoyed it,

because they understand now why people like raping people because it feels good. How could I let a monster like that? Be around my son? I can't. So him and the hostage negotiator went back and forth and back and forth around midnight. He told the hostage negotiator that he planned on going out by suicide by cops. So the cops on the other end, my whole entire family was at the police station, rooting for me, waiting for me, trying to rally as much support as I can,

trying to get me back home. And they overheard a code something. And they found out that it was suicide by cops. So my parents at this point were scared that this was going to be a murder suicide and that I wasn't going to make it out of that room. At that point, I was pretty confident that's how it was going to go because he told me, even if they didn't show up, that his plan was to take me to the police station and go on the steps of the police station and kill me and him. I was pretty confident that if the cops didn't bust in, that I was going to die because he had a gun, he had a knife, and he was quicker than me. So I thought, even if I get a hold of one of them unless I get both of them, nothing is going to change. And I'm going to be stuck in here.

Around 6 a.m., the hostage-goatiators were starting to maybe get somewhere with him because they had used the bad cop to annoy him. and then they finally had the good cop come in, and he was trying to pretend he was on his side. He was so messed up. He had taken so many pills, and he just, he didn't know. I don't even know if he was even comprehending what they were saying to him.

He was definitely lucid, but I don't think he was thinking about anything besides what was in that room right then. He was Googling prison sentences to see if he did make it out, how long he would be going to prison for. Once he realized that it said, for kidnapping, it was 10 to 15 years. and for rape it was 7 to 15 years, he realized that that was not going to happen,

that he was not going to leave that room, not willingly. I finally convinced him that I would not say anything about the sexual assault so he wouldn't be listed as a sex offender and that I would talk to the judge and that I would make this work, that he wasn't going to lose everything because I finally realized what the hostage negotiators wanted. I mean, not that I didn't know what they wanted,

but I finally had enough that I just said whatever they wanted me to say so that we could get out of there. So he started getting emotional, and he put the gun down, and I grabbed the gun and told him, I was leaving that room one way or another. And because the gun hadn't been completely out, it had only been in his pocket, I realized that it was an airsoft gun that he had painted. But he let me know that even though the gun isn't real, he has a knife. And I just ran to the hotel room door, and I told the cops I was coming out, and I ran out,

And they told me to put my hands up and to walk slowly towards them, and then they cuffed me, which kind of wish they'd warned me about because I honestly thought I was being arrested and I didn't understand why. So they started questioning me, but they said at this point, because they didn't really know what caused him to take me in the first place, they wanted to make sure this wasn't something we were both in on. Not that it didn't make sense and they'd seen it before, but they needed to make sure that was actually what was going on. And then they eventually, probably within five to ten minutes,

they had him out of the room and cuffed. And once they did, they took me to the other side of the building and they uncuffed me. They also said they had cuffed me for my protection and their protection because they wanted to make sure I wasn't going to do anything to harm him after the fact. I was allowed to see my family right away because once my parents knew where I was, they showed right up. Once they knew I was released, they were right there. At least I feel like they were were because my mother went to the hospital with me. And I remember my dad's look, and I'm going, for what? And I didn't have the heart to tell them why I was going to the hospital. They were like, I'm so glad you kept fighting. I'm so glad you're okay, because they had apparently been writing

on Facebook and updating everybody what was happening as it was happening and just kept saying how I needed to keep fighting to not stop fighting. I remember looking at my mom, after it, I saw her, and she said, I'm so glad you're okay. And I said, how are you? Are you okay? Because I was so worried. I'm a parent, too. I can only imagine how my mother felt to see her child in that state. Ari was then escorted by law enforcement into the hotel waiting room. I saw the guy that I had almost 24 hours prior tried to get to help me. He felt extremely bad and said, oh man, I wish I had known. I said, I tried to melt it to you. And the guy felt bad, but I mean, I felt a little better knowing that he really just didn't see the signal.

I talked to the police a little bit, and they took me to the hospital to have a rape kit done. I had to be violated all over again, but I knew it needed to happen. And this wasn't until probably like 20 minutes after that I had told them about it because I was so scared and I was so embarrassed. I didn't want everyone to know that I had been raped that I had to, when they finally realized that I had been raped, that's when they decided to take me to get the rape kit done. When I got there, I remember Stan and not showered in probably days. He smelled. I can't even explain if Shrek living in his swamp had a smell.

And you knew what it smelled like mixed with onions. That's what he smelled like. It was awful. He smelled so bad that when I went to the hospital for the rate kit, I could smell him on me. I couldn't wait to get my clothes off. I was apologizing. because I felt so disgusting, because not only had I just been raped, but I smelled terrible.

They get the rape kit done. They gave me new clothes. They had a victim advocate come in and talk to me a little bit from Bridges, which was a very good support system. They came in and they told me that I had them on their side and that they would be there every step of the way through the court process and through the police interrogation and all that. After they were finished at the hospital, an officer asked her if she'd like to go home or come in for questioning then. And I said, nope, at this point, I need to just get it all out. And I remember just feeling like I was in a terrible dream and just spilling my guts to these male cops. They were very, very kind, but I felt so disgusting and unapproachable. And the last thing I wanted to do was be around guys. They did bring in the victim advocate for the police department.

and she was very, very nice. And they questioned me for, I don't know, it felt like hours. I don't know how long it actually took, but it felt like it took all day. And this was after I had already been up for over 24 hours at this point, fighting for my life. The drugs had started to wear off. My adrenaline, my fight or flight, had started to wear off.

So by the time I got home, I remember just falling asleep. And then for days after that, just pacing and pacing and pacing because I couldn't get myself to calm down. I couldn't get myself to feel like this was real. My mom took me to a doctor, and they prescribed me in anxiety medication to calm me down in an antidepressant, which I didn't take long term, but it's something that did help me at least get back to some form normal. And I just felt completely numb. I had my drill for the National Guard three days after this happened or four days after this happened.

I remember calling my sergeant at the time. and saying, I don't know if I have to report this to you, but did you see the news about that girl that was kidnapped? She was held hostage for over 24 hours. He said, yeah, he's like, that was crazy. I said, well, that was me. And he just didn't know what to say. He's just, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry this happened to you,

whatever you need, I'm here, we're here. The military actually set me up with some form of support to make sure that I was okay. And they did speak to some people about it, like people on a need to know basis so that people weren't aware. They told me that I did not have to go to my drill a couple days later, but I said I just wanted to get back to normal in that sitting home thinking about this all day

was not going to be what helped. So I went to my drill that weekend, and I went back to school the following week. That didn't last very long. I was in school for probably two weeks. I had missed half my classes because just going back to the school was just so difficult. It just felt like it was taking everything out of me.

I was so bummed because I was in my last semester. I was just about to finish, and I had to completely drop out, and transfer schools, which didn't seem like a big deal, except I had all these credits and only half of them transferred because I was in an associate's program. So I then had to take 10 extra classes on top of the four I needed just to graduate, just for me to get the same degree from somewhere else

because he had taken that for me. He had taken my sanity. He had taken my way to better our son's life, and I couldn't deal with it. But I managed to somehow, when I transferred schools, I tried to think of this as a positive light because I wouldn't be in school all the time. I was taking some night classes and some online classes, so it was a little bit easier and I was able to spend more time with my son. During this entire time, I started a new job because going back to my old job was just so hard because I worked in a customer service-based type thing and people knew what happened and I just felt so uncomfortable.

I felt like everything about that place reminded me of what had happened and I just couldn't go back to my jobs. I mean, I did go back, but after a couple months, I realized that it was just holding me back. It was just hurting me even more. Thankfully, she was able to find a new, better paying job elsewhere. During this new process, I am dealing with going to court, going back and forth and back and forth. I sat down with the prosecutor and my family, and they said, we want to know what your expectations is for a deal for this case. And I said, well, I think he should go away for 35 years. they said, I understand your pain, but that is unrealistic. People who kill people go away for less

time. They go away for 25 years. So how can you justify sending him away for 35? And I just remember being so disgusted. And it wasn't the way they said it. They weren't being mean about how they were saying it, but they were trying to help me figure out my expectation so that the court process wasn't so harmful on me. I remember saying to them, well, what is the point of having minimums and maximums on sentences if those aren't even enforced. I said, because if you go by just the minimums of everything, he had seven charges because every time he sexually assaulted me, that was a charge. So if you combine those, he should have been away for the rest of his life. But they don't believe in doing that. They bundle everything together. He's still pled guilty to all the crimes,

but they weren't holding him to any type of standard. I mean, I know they did their best, because I've definitely heard of situations where people went away for way less time, but at the time, it was just so hard to hear that justice was never going to be what I wanted it to be. And on top of that, when the articles were first released after everything happened, all of the articles still had my name in it, my actual name, and where I went to school. So I had random people trying to add me on Facebook. I had random people now knowing everything about my life. And the media tried saying that it was because I spoke to the media, which all I did was answer questions, but I didn't know my name was going to be used. And once one place had it, all the other places were able to use it.

I've later made a really big deal about it and explained that I'm a rape victim. That's not you're supposed to be public knowledge. So my name did eventually get redacted out of those stories, thankfully. I had gotten an offer for a very, very great company, very good benefits, perfect. This is one of those companies that you could stay ahead and retire from and do well. And I remember being so nervous because they had to do an extensive background check. And all I remember thinking that interview is these people that don't know me that are about to decide whether I have this great job or not are now going to know intimate personal details about my life. And I didn't know what to do or how to handle that. But miraculously, I got the job. It was a temp assignment,

so I stayed there for a couple months. And then I had this nasty, nasty, phone call from a client and they were screaming at me and berating me and it just brought me right back to when he would scream at me and he would berate me and I had to quit that job. A very good job. And I had been the type of person that always stayed a job for four years, five years, two years a minimum. So this was very heartbreaking for me and I felt like my life was never going to be over, over this point at least. So for the next, I don't know, 12 months after this happened, we kept going back and forth with the DA,

and I told him he wanted to do five years as long as he didn't plead to the rape. And I said absolutely not. And the DA did not accept the deal because they knew I was so against it. Although my say wasn't the ultimate say, the prosecutor wanted to make sure that I was comfortable with it. Because I told them, I said,

I don't care how hard I have to fight. I am going to fight, and he is not getting just five years. That is not fair. And he said, with five years, he would also give up his parental rights. Because at this point, even though I was going back and forth with him at court for him kidnapping me and raping me and possibly trying to kill me, he was taking me back to custody hearings because he wanted visitation while he was in jail. The judge that was overseeing their custody hearings ruled that Ari would have to send Stan

pictures of their child while he was incarcerated for charges of abduction, rape, and attempted murder. Which I didn't know at the time that was something I could have overturned, but I didn't have a lawyer. I didn't think I needed a lawyer. But ironically, if you were incarcerated, you are automatically, at least for custody hearings and for termination hearings, you were automatically given a lawyer. So I now had to fight somebody else's lawyer, even though I couldn't afford one on my own. Thankfully, the judge didn't allow any visits at that time. And right after that, the DA and my family agreed to what's known as a capped plea,

which is something I had never heard of. Basically, you go in and the defense lawyer and the prosecutor go in with a minimum each. So the prosecutor was asking for 20 years. His lawyer was asking for 10 years. And the judge ultimately had to be the deciding factor. When we were all allowed to speak, I wasn't allowed to be questioned or anything, but we were allowed to make impact statements. So we were still able to, my family read things and I read things,

and he was allowed to read stuff. And for some reason, he was allowed to say sorry, even though he didn't actually mean it. The DA actually said at the time that there was nothing about him that could be rehabilitated because of how awful he had been. Because right before this deal, he had witness tampered. He had written a letter in jail and sent it to his stepfather to try and get me to drop the charges.

How someone like that still gets a deal is beyond me. So essentially he sent a letter to his stepdad that he wanted delivered to you to try and intimidate you? Yes, and I still have that letter. The letter he wrote me was another gaslighting letter. This letter is getting to you at the risk of me catching another four to eight years.

I've been wanting to say something like this for months, but I've been too worried about the new charges. after seeing you in family court and after hearing about the conversation my lawyer had with you, I believe that this is the right thing to do regardless of what the consequences may be. I could serve 10, 20, or even 50 years, and as long as there is still fear and no reconciliation, the process may never be over. I want anything but to keep silent. It will be used against me regardless of whether I'm trying to do the right thing or not.

I can only imagine the pain, fear, and trauma I caused you on that day. Spent the past six months trying to rationalize everything from the military to the day I took you. Finding a way to blame everything on anybody but me was my initial reaction. Try to rationalize my mistakes by finding my own. mistakes and failures on other people's actions, just so I wouldn't have to accept that I'm wrong. The guilt and shame were too powerful to blame my way out of it. It's messed up. I messed up worse than every inmate here has messed up put together. And what makes it even worse is the fact that I knew it. All the way back to me leaving the army, I looked for you to tell me how I already felt.

When me getting discharged didn't work for me, I blamed it on you. I was soft and I refused to accept it. So I blamed you while forgetting you just wanted to see me happy again. I'm sure you've known this since day one, and this is nothing new. But it's new to me and accepting this has changed a lot. I used you to cover up my failures and I used drugs so I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I wanted it to be your fault so badly that I turned you into my enemy and my own head. Always assuming you were lying, cheating, and taking advantage of me. In hindsight, especially being able to read our texts, it's embarrassing and heinous. I was absolutely crazy and psycho.

Once the drugs started, it was too late, doing drugs not to feel guilty, then feeling guilty for doing drugs, getting clear, feeling guilty for what I did to you and how manipulative I was for drugs, being in denial that I was the shit bag and doing drugs not to feel guilty, then to top it off, blaming you for even starting drugs. I remember taking your coffee money and rationalizing it by calling you materialistic and selfish, not even mentioning all the other money resources I'd sucked out of you while you were pregnant when our son was born, taking his money out of his card. Denial and refusing to accept my monstrous acts fueled by guilt and then attachment to you

and drugs, attachment to you because when I needed somebody to blame an attachment to drugs so I wouldn't feel guilty. Knowing what I know now, you did what you did out of pure love and not wanting to see the person you love be hurt or in pain. You didn't leave. You took from yourself and you let me feed the process that made me feel better. A selfish evil cycle I pushed on you. I cry every time I think about this because on top of that, I blamed you for enabling me.

But then you did the right thing. You left. It wasn't that I couldn't live without you. I just didn't know how to survive. If I could give my life just to erase that one day from yours, I wouldn't hesitate. I can't even begin to imagine how hurt and traumatized you are. Not just for the trauma I caused you on that day, but having all of this happened to you. And after everything I put you through, what happened that day was heinous,

everything that happened that day fell into the same old cycle. I wanted to make you hurt more than me, and I needed the drugs and the idea of suicide not to feel bad, at least while I was high. You can do your research to back. this up, but a percasset, 30 milligrams, is an equivalent to about 0.2 grams of heroin. The drugs were the enabling factor. Once the drugs wore off toward the morning, the guilt kicked in. I'm sure it was pretty obvious and disgusting to watch, but who cares about a monster with a guilty conscience? We both know what happened. The pain you feel is only rivaled by

the shame, guilt, and sadness I carry in my heart for everything. I'd be a liar if I said I wanted to go to prison, but what I want most is for you to be whole again. I do whatever I have to. Prison is meant to rehabilitate and make criminals fit for society, yet everybody is always trying to get sent to prison. And then, this is where he begins to gaslight me. Drug addicts heaven. That's what jail is. Drugs, three deals a day, a TV at the foot of the bunk,

a gym membership, and a Game Boy, it keeps the monsters away from society, and unfortunately it's pretty disgusting. I'm willing to do time, but I want most to be able to actually prove I've changed. The position I am in right now with everything would essentially give me a life sentence, even if I do one, five, ten years. As much as I'm hesitant about saying this, I feel it's important. After coming to terms of the truth behind everything,

my life turned around. I've seen my happiest days in years from behind these walls. Instead of guilt consuming me, I chose to accept and make myself the positive that rises from the tragedy. I see the good and happy and happy and happy and came off disgustingly wrong in family court. I know that see me under happy circumstances is just an horribly bad taste, but it has nothing to do with you or anything that's currently going on. The real me has a chance to shine under the worst possible circumstances, but have no doubt, I want to be a good act of father. I want to succeed in life to atone for all my failures, and most of all, I want you to heal and whole again. I'm right. writing this with a complete disregard to the risk simply because it's the truth. And you deserve to hear

it. I'm also writing this because I learned that law is about nothing but politics. And politics has no place for honesty and taking responsibility. Prosecutors have their job. My lawyers have theirs. And somehow me wanting to do whatever it takes to make it right, will eat or catch me a charge or send me to prison essentially forever. But that being said, my lawyer is a good man and wants to see a good resolution for everybody, including you. If you want answers or want to beat all the politics, talk to him. He wants to see an end to this just as much as a state does. With all this being said, you do what you need to do, do whatever, brings you peace and closure you deserve it, but know that the monster you saw and new doesn't exist anymore, only in your memories.

And I feel this is playing a big role in your decision. I have surrounded myself with responsibility and determination to make your suffering not be in vain. I want positively to be the phoenix from the ashes, no matter how long it takes. Unless you want otherwise, eventually I have no intentions of any further contact with you. But I am truly sorry with every ounce of my being. Just remember, my future is in your hands. Regardless of what I said in this letter, if the state or the victim's advocate, finds out about this letter, it'll be another nail in my coffin.

If that's what you want, then I deserve it. If not, just remember what happens to me is up to you. Not the prosecutor, not me, not lawyers, just you. I hope this letter does its part to help. If not, I'm sorry, I wasted your time. Regardless of what happens, I love our son more than anything. Make sure he knows. The only pictures I have here are of him.

I think nothing else. Sincerely, Stan. I'm so sorry. What does it like to look at it now that years have passed? I just know that any nice thing he said in there was to try and guilt trip me. He didn't mean it. He didn't really feel sorry.

If he really felt sorry, he wouldn't continue to take me to family court. He would have taken a deal day one. He wouldn't have waited until a week before he was about to go to trial when he realized I was not backing down to realize he's sorry. But luckily, the judge agreed with this and because they had asked for 10 years and we asked for 20 years, the judge agreed in the middle at 15,

and that he would have to do a sex offender program before he was released and anger management and basically the judge said that he hoped that this was a changing point of his life. And I thought that was it. And it was until he took me back to family court

after he was sentenced because he had nothing to lose. He already knew how much time he was serving and he knew he was going to be in there for the next 15 years. He knew he wasn't going to be out until my son was 16. So he decided he was going to keep taking me back to family court.

And this was just a looming thing over me for years and years because right before he was offered a deal. My now husband, which was my boyfriend at the time, and I started dating again because we had dated off and on high school a little bit, but we'd always remain friends. And so I've known him now for almost 14 years. So at this point, he was helping out a lot. I hadn't introduced him to my son quite yet, but the second they did eventually meet, it was like they were best friends, the best of friends. Like he'd always been. been in his life. He stayed by my side through all of this, through going back and forth to custody hearings, to going to counseling, to everything. I mean, he was just always there. And we knew that with

the way things were going, that he wanted to be part of my son's life forever. So we knew that the next step was going to be us getting married and him getting adopted. And in order to do that, in the state of New Hampshire, you have to terminate the parental rights of the other party, which if I had known what that was going to cause, I don't know if I ever would have done it, but we did it. We started the process, and it was awful. I filed the paperwork and then got the response back and found out that Stan would get a lawyer for free because apparently terminating parental rights is something because I filed it, he got a lawyer for free. And if I had lost, I would have been back charged for all of his lawyer fees.

He spent so much time with his lawyer. And there was what's called a guardian at Lightham, which basically is like a mediator. It's basically a lawyer for the child. And they are supposed to interview everybody and do what's in the best interest of the child. So she interviewed him and his family and me and my husband, my son.

And she decided, basically told me that she didn't agree with what I was doing in that no matter what he did. There was no reason he shouldn't see us. son. So I felt very defeated at this point. Ari then started working as much as possible to pay for a lawyer to help her. Because I knew it was going to take every ounce I got. I did whatever I could. Took out extra credit cards. Didn't care what it took. Hired a lawyer because this process had started, there was no going back at this point. It was either I continue to do this or

he's going to continue to take me back to court for the rest of my life. And my son was never going to be able to move on with his life and be adopted. And then my husband and I got married, and we explained that we were going to have him adopt my son. And at that point, which I still think is the only saving factor as to why she ruled in our favor, she wrote a letter to the court because they have to basically make a decision on what they think the judge should do. And although her say is not the final say, it has a very high weight into how the judge rules. So she wrote that, she thought it was in my son's best interest to be able to move on and be adopted. So in 2019, mind you, he kidnapped me in 2014.

So this is five years later. I finally get his parental rights taken after he has not even attempted to see his child in four years. He stopped writing letters. He took me back to court that one time, but he never tried any further. He never did any of the parenting classes you were supposed to do. He never did anything he was supposed to do to try and keep in contact with my son. And although I am very glad he didn't, it also hurts me that after all this, after all the pain he put me through that he didn't even try to fight.

He only fought when I was trying to take him from him. He never tried to see him. And during the parental rights hearing, his lawyer was basically allowed to cross-examine me, even though I never even had a trial. It gave me a glimpse of what it would have been like. And it was heartbreaking. She was basically accusing me saying that even though he caused me pain,

there is no reason why it should be so harmful for me to have to contact him, that she doesn't understand why. Me having to send him pictures of our child was harmful to me. Writing his name on a piece of paper was harmful to me. I had to go through counseling and therapy to be able to deal with this. And his lawyer had the balls to stand up there as a woman lawyer, mind you, to say that my pain meant nothing. After Stan's parental rights were terminated, he was able to appeal the decision. The appeal was denied, but in his appeal, he was.

stated that one of the reasons I had to terminate his parental rights was that he had caused bodily injury or assault to the child, the sibling, or the child's parent. He wrote to the Supreme Court instead, because it was just rape, and I didn't have any physical problems later, that that was not a good enough reason for them to take his parental rights away. Thankfully, the Supreme Court agreed with me, and I fought that tooth and nail and said how egregious and disgusting it was, That was even something that was even allowed to be argued. So as of 2019, I am officially free of him until 2028 when he is up for parole. In January, he'll hit his eight-year mark and he'll only have seven years left before he's eligible for parole,

which they pretty much told me, unless he does something really bad, like really, really bad, like kill somebody while he's in there, that they almost always grant it, as long as he's good for at least six months prior to being up for parole. it gives me so much anxiety to know that. That's something that I have to worry about. Thankfully, my son will be 16 years old, and he knows a little bit about what happened because this is something I had to tell him

during the parental rights hearing. So I explained to him that his biological dad, he was very sick, and he made some mistakes, and he was in big boy timeout. And he looked at me and said, you mean he's in jail? So he knows. He knows. Thankfully, my son is going to probably be just as big as him,

and will hopefully not feel intimidated, but I'm just thankful that my son will be old enough to protect himself. God forbid anything happens. I've thought about leaving the state. I've thought about running, but that's not fair to me. After all, I've been through for me to get run out of my own state. And I figure if he really wants to find me, he's going to find me. So I'm prepared to battle with the parole board in seven years.

I feel like my family's done a pretty decent job moving forward. It's just something that they're aware of. And any time I see that somebody's in a situation that there's red flags, I'm not scared to say something. I say something. Because I feel like there were so many red flags before it even got to this point, before I even got pregnant, before we even left for training.

Had I been educated on that or had I had known someone who had experienced this, I would have walked away. I could have avoided all this. I mean, I don't regret a thing because my son is the best thing that's happen to me in my life. But if I could still have him but take away all the pain I endured, I would definitely do it. I think you are an incredible inspiration, truly what you have overcome and the losses you have suffered. And I really admire the way that you have fought and persevered. And I'm so thankful that your family is able to move forward. What advice would you give to somebody

who finds themselves in a situation where they need to fight. Don't stop. It doesn't matter what the threat is. It doesn't matter what is going on. I mean, if I had known at the time that my son and my family was safe and that there was no way he could have ever gotten back to them, I would have crashed the car. I would have done anything.

But you just need to keep fighting. It doesn't matter. Because your adrenaline, fight or flight, once that kicks in, I feel like there was so much strength I had that I didn't even realize I had. had. And I just kept fighting to stay alive. They said, this cannot be how my story ends. This cannot be what is going to happen. My son cannot grow up without his mother. My mother cannot bury her baby. This is not happening. And I'm going to fight and I'm going to fight even if it's the last thing I do. If you're in a situation, even if it's a situation where you're not physically fighting,

but your significant other is mentally abusive and it's never laid a hand on you. And you feel like you've got to fight for your kid, you save all those calls, you record the texts, you get a lawyer, you crowdfund to get the money to get a good lawyer, you do whatever you have to do to keep you and your baby safe. Because ultimately, I realize the hard way that there are groups that can help, not with a termination, but there actually are a lot, a lot of resources if you reach out. If you have been in a domestic violence situation and you need help, there is bridges, there is the Coalition of Domestic Violence. If you Google Domestic Violence, you will find something,

whether it is a support group or something, and somebody along the way will help. So don't be afraid to fight. Because ultimately, the court system doesn't always work, but you got to at least give it a fighting chance. Thank you again so much for sharing your story and giving so much energy to do so and be on the podcast. I greatly appreciate it.

Thank you. If you or someone you know is experiencing interpersonal violence, please reach out for help. The Domestic Violence Hotline offers free and confidential support 24-7 at 1-800-7-9-7-233, or text start to 8878-8-8-8. or you can chat with someone confidentially at their website, thehotline.org. Thank you so much for listening. Stay safe, friends. Something Was Wrong is an Audio Chuck production,

created and hosted by Tiffany Reese. Our theme song was originally composed by Gladrags, covered this season by Kenna and the Kings. So what do you think, Chuck? Do you approve?