Something Was Wrong - S13 Ep12: [Zoe] I Just Thought You Should Know

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

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If you're serious about growing this new year, what you put into your mind actually matters. And as someone who lives and breathes careers and self-development, even I get overwhelmed trying to do it all. Between work, life, and trying to better yourself, self-care can start to feel like just another thing on the to-do list. But investing in yourself doesn't have to be complicated. And with Audible, it isn't. It's time to take care of you. And who better to help than the top voices in well-being all in one place. With Audibles Well-Being Collection, you can level up your career, finances, relationships,

sleep, parenting, or mindset. Whether you want motivation, clarity, or practical advice, there is something there to support you every step of the way. I listen while I commute, clean, work, or just when I need a little bit of downtime. You'll hear from best-selling authors Brene Brown and Jay Shetty, Chef Jamie Oliver, finance expert Rachel Rogers and popular parenting guides like raising good humans kickstart your well-being journey with your first audio book

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Whoa, seriously? I could really use their help. It was easy. I called and spoke with it. the credit counselor right away. They asked me about my debt, salary, and regular expenses, gave me a few options, and help me along the way. You had a ton of debt. And you're saying credit counseling society helped with all of it? Yep. And now I can sleep better at night. When debt's got you, you've got us. Give credit counseling society a call today. Visit no more

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Hi, my name's Zoe. I'm here to share my story so that maybe someone out there feels a little less alone and a little more understood if they've gone through something similar. My story started in July 2015. I was in high school. It was the summer before my senior year and I needed to get a job. So I started working at a restaurant near my house, and that's when I met Ryan. Ryan was the general manager of the store, so he was the one who interviewed me and hired me.

I was going to be a cashier. It was to get me through the end of my senior year and have some fun spending money for college. I already knew where I was going to college at that point. I was moving like five states away, and I was really excited and ready to live my senior year. I had met Ryan and everyone there that worked for him really seemed to like him, and he was super outgoing and super friendly. I never really realized how maybe weird his friendliness was until probably years later. He took a liking to me in a way that I liked as a 17-year-old because no one had really ever paid me too much attention in high school. So having this older guy,

think that I was great, was really interesting to me. I had started working there and he trained me and was super nice to me. I had just turned 17 that April, started working there in July. He was going to turn 31 that September. So I was 17, he was 30. He almost seemed like larger than life because he was so outgoing and so friendly. Everyone that worked there, it didn't matter if they were 50 in washing dishes or 17 working at cash register. He talked to everyone the same and everyone liked working for him. People would want to work with him instead of other managers because he was just, I mean, he was great. He was so friendly. I really took a hold of that. I really liked working with him because he was so easy to work with. I like the way he made me feel. He always

had something nice to say. Even during my interview, he was like, you have the perfect personality. And I thought that was like the greatest compliment. The compliment kept coming. And it did seem like he was complimenting me more than other people, but I liked it because it felt good. Didn't think too much of it. During the school year, I ended up working four or five days during the school week. I would go after school and work until like 11 p.m. because I really liked my job. I liked the people I worked with. Working with him was really nice. The closer I got to Ryan, the more open he was about who he actually was. One time he asked me, when do you turn 18?

And I kind of was grossed out at first because I knew he liked me, but I didn't, I thought there was no possible way someone who was 31 would ever think about going after someone who was 17 or even freshly 18. Like, that didn't really cross my mind, but it did give me that weird feeling in my stomach. I said, why? and he said, so I can make you a shift manager because you're so good at your job. And I thought that was great. So I told him in April, less than a year away, I'm in turn 18.

During that time, I had met his long-term girlfriend, Nora, would come in sometime. She was actually pregnant when I first started working there, very visibly pregnant. And she would come in, and whenever they talked, they seemed very much like they did not like each other. But he was never outright mean to her. other people that had worked there longer would be like they're the most toxic couple this and this this and I just thought not my problem not my business I'm really not paying attention to it until Ryan started getting like way way more interested in me and he would say things like you should go out with me or if you were older we could date and I wouldn't really respond to that I mean I was very interested

because I liked him and I liked how he treated me, but it did kind of throw me off. I was like, that would never happen. You have this pregnant girlfriend and two kids and you're so much older than me, so I brushed it under the rug and he never said or did anything until my 18th birthday. Once I turned 18, the table is completely turned. At midnight on my 18th birthday, he sent me this really long text about how in love with me he was and how he's always wanted to date me, and him and his girlfriend aren't actually dating.

They just have kids together and co-parent, and it was very intense. But I mean, I was charmed by him. I thought he was amazing. He let me work whenever I wanted, as much as I wanted, with whoever I wanted. He was going to make me a manager. All of these things in my life were falling into place.

I thought, I'm moving 14 hours away in a couple of months. So if he's really not dating, dating this girl, then what's it really matter? We started hanging out more. Not really outside of work, but after work hours, we would close together, and then we'd stay in the restaurant and talk and snowballed from there. He always had these extravagant gifts. I think for my 18th birthday, he got me a really expensive Gucci sunglasses that I ended up

throwing away because I didn't want my parents to ask me where I got them. No one at work really said anything. He didn't make it super obvious that he was into me more than he was friendly with everyone else. But over that summer, I thought, we can, I don't know, hang out. We couldn't go on dates. We couldn't go out in public because people would see us. I didn't want anyone to know. We would hang out in his car at the mall or after work.

We texted all the time and he was always so, so nice to me. Sometime in the summer of 2016, I'd been working there for like a year. I got a phone call from his ex-not-ex girlfriend. She had called me and I didn't answer. I didn't know who it was and she texted me all of this very vulgar. Like, that's my man. I can't believe you're hanging out with him. He has kids and this, this, this.

And I was dumbfounded. I'm like, how did she find out? I thought they didn't even live together. I was so confused. I'd remember this feeling of anxiety that I had, and I couldn't shake it. I'd never really had that much anxiety before, and I started profusely vomiting. I was so sick. I was like, people are going to find out.

My dad's going to find out. He might get arrested because we met when I was 17. I had all of these thoughts running in my head. I was so upset. I had actually gone shopping with my friends for hours to get my mind off of it. I talked to him and he said she's crazy and she thinks we're still together but we're not and all of this other stuff. Then it was towards the end of the summer and I was about to move and she had called or texted

me about their newborn baby that he had had while I was working at the restaurant with him. I don't really remember what she said, but she told me the baby's name and I was thoroughly creeped out because they named their baby. my middle name. I asked Ryan about it. I was like, did you do this on purpose? Was this like a name chosen before? And he nonchalantly was like,

no, I chose this because you're leaving to go to college and I want something to remember you by. And I was like, we couldn't do like friendship bracelets. You had to name a child after me. It was very intense. I was probably a month away from moving. And I thought, good riddance, I'm going to move.

I'll never see him ever again. and it's not going to be a big deal. My second to last day of work, he told me, we're probably never going to see each other again. I love you so much. Like this summer has been so fun. I wish, you know, we could be together. If I could, I would propose to you right now.

And I thought that was the most insane, but also really romantic thing he could say. I was really upset when I was moving. I had left all my friends and my family, and I was leaving him. Part of me knew that it was best that I was leaving and that this couldn't progress. Maybe he could be a good father to the children he had

or if him and Nora were still together, maybe they could work things out. I didn't really have any information on them, but I knew this had to be for the best. We had nothing in common. He didn't get the references, I would say. I went to prom while I worked there and talking about prom to him.

It was so strange. He would get mad if I didn't work a certain day because he just wanted to see me all the time. I didn't want to do school things because I was always hanging out with him. My last day at the restaurant with him was towards the end of August. I started my freshman year of college

Labor Day weekend or week after or something like that. On my last day, I remember opening my email and I had an email from him from his work email writing this extremely long way flowery language email about how great of an employee I was and how much he would miss me. He even gave me the employee of the quarter trophy.

He had never given them before. They were like optional. And he gave me the employee of the quarter right before I left. Then at the end of his email, he's like, you will be truly missed and never forgotten. Until we meet again, my best friend and other really. elaborate language. I thought, I was going to miss him. And we hung out all the time, or at least we worked together very closely together all the time. When I left to go to college, my dad drove me. It was a 14, 15-hour drive. And I was moving into my dorm. And I got really sad. I was like,

wow, I probably will never see Ryan ever again. And that was like a really fun summer. He was nicer to me than anyone had ever been in my entire life. I never thought someone, could think so highly of me. So for the first couple of days that I lived in my dorm, I was extremely upset. I was very sad. I should make friends and put this behind me. Like it was a fun summer thing. I'm going to move on. It would have never worked out anyways for so many reasons. Kids, we live in different states. He may or may not have a girlfriend. During Welcome Week, I made four of my best friends that I've ever had, even to this day. I didn't tell any of them about it because it was my little secret. I didn't want people to judge me for dating my boss.

I really didn't want them to tell me what I was already thinking, that he was creepy, or he was inappropriate to me when I was still a minor. I was going to put it in my past, box it away, and throw it to the side. So I did what everyone did in college, and I hung out with my friends all during Welcome Week. We were excited for classes. I think it was my second day of class. I get another email, and it's from Ryan that says,

your transfer request has been approved, or something along those lines, where he had put in a transfer so that he could be the manager of the same restaurant, but in the state that I was living in. I was like, there's no way this is real. There's no way he's going to move here. And hopefully if he's moving here,

he's not going to want to be with me. I didn't actually even respond. He said something like, I just thought you should know. It was like the only thing in the email text besides the forwarded email saying that he wanted to transfer stores. That was the beginning of September. A couple weeks go by.

Didn't really hear from him. going to frat parties and hang out with my friends and trying to figure out college life in this new city where I knew no one. Then at the end of September, I got a text from him that said, I'm here. And I thought, what the hell does that mean? Where is here? I had no idea. I was so confused and also terrified, but also really excited because I did miss him. And I said, what do you mean? And he said, I'm at your dorm. If you're serious about growing this new year, what you put into your mind actually matters. And as someone who lives and breathes careers and self-development, even I get overwhelmed trying

to do it all. Between work, life, and trying to better yourself, self-care can start to feel like just another thing on the to-do list. But investing in yourself doesn't have to be complicated. And with Audible, it isn't. It's time to take care of. of you. And who better to help than the top voices in well-being all in one place. With Audible's well-being collection, you can level up your career, finances, relationships, sleep, parenting, or mindset. Whether you want motivation, clarity, or practical advice, there is something there to support you every step of the way. I listen while I commute, clean, work, or just when I need a little bit of downtime. You'll hear from best-selling authors Brene Brown and Jay Shetty, Chef Jamie Oliver,

finance expert Rachel Rogers and popular parenting guides like Raising Good Humans. Kickstart your well-being journey with your first audio book free when you sign up for a 30-day trial at outable.com. Membership is 1495 a month after 30 days. Cancel any time. There's more to imagine when you listen. There was some sort of coffee shop across from our dorm. It took maybe a minute to walk there. He said, go on a date with me. I thought about it for a minute. Couldn't go to my friends asking them for their advice because I thought he drove 12, 14 hours to get here to go on a date with me. That is very romantic.

That's really what I was thinking. But I thought my friends would think I was crazy. I didn't tell them. And I said, why are you here? And then he said, I'm at this coffee shop. Come see me. I went and he was parking this car in the parking lot. And I mean, I got chills. I was so excited to see him. But he said, I want to move here and I want to be with you.

I said, what about your kids? If you have three kids back at home and your family lives there. And he said, nothing in this life is more important than you. I did feel very important at that moment. And also, there was a little part of me that was very scared or creeped out. I was really overwhelmed. was probably the best way to put it. I thought about how much fun I had been having the last three weeks living a normal college life because I didn't really live a normal senior year of high school. I was always sneaking around and working all the time. I was really enjoying the time that I was spending with all my friends and doing the college life.

And I said something along the lines of, I don't want to go on a date or I want to, but I'm not going to because this won't ever work out. And he, for the first time, I had ever seen, he got so mad. His face turned red. I remember looking at him and thinking he looks like he's about to snap.

I remember him gripping the steering wheel and taking a deep breath and being like, you have to go on a date with me. And I said, I really don't want to because this just won't work out. And you have like a girlfriend. He said, we're not together. Then he said, but I swear to God,

if you do not go on a date with me after I just drove all this way to prove to you I want to be with you and not her I will go back home and fucking kill her I was horrified I was 18 in the city I knew no one he's here I knew in that moment there was no way he was joking I thought there's no possible way I remember not knowing what to say I was so confused So I said, why? It doesn't make any sense. And he was like, because she's the reason you won't be with me, because you think that I love Nora. And I was like, I think it's one compelling reason, but there are many reasons. He said, well, then if you don't care about her, then I'll fucking kill her and then I'll kill myself.

And then it'll all be your fault. I racked in my brain, what the hell do I do? I can't go on a date with him and be. alone with him, but also I assume that he was being at least semi-serious because he was very extravagant with the firearms that he owned. He had assault rifles and he had one specific assault rifle he was very proud of. I have no idea why. He didn't really care. But he told me that the assault rifle was in his trunk of the car that we were sitting in and he would drive back home, do what he said he was going to do. And then I would live with.

with that for the rest of my life. I thought, I can't live with that. I don't want Nora to die. She's never been particularly nice to me, but I would never, ever want anyone to die. I didn't know what to do. And I thought, the only time he's acted like this is in this exact moment. And this is the only time I've ever denied him of any affection or attention. I thought I would go back to doing what I always did, which was love him and give him this reassurance that I was interested in him. So that's exactly what I did. And I forced a laugh out of me. And I tapped him on the arm. And I was like, I'm kidding. Of course I'll go on a date with you. Why wouldn't I? And he took that at face value and completely changed. He was very calm. He hugged me. We end up going out to dinner or

something. I had plans with my friends that night and I had texted them. Since I was keeping a secret, I had a lot of excuses. I would always say I was going to the library or I was taking a nap or any number of things that I would tell them and they wouldn't really think anything of it. So I threw out one of those excuses. I said, sorry, I can't be there tonight. Whatever. We go on this date and I thought, where are you going to live? Are you going to live here? I'm confused. He was like, well, I got us a hotel room for tonight. After that, I'll find somewhere to live here and on the holidays. I'll visit Nora and the kids. And I was like, whoof, that sounds really overwhelming for me. But maybe he's just talking and not really going to do it. I didn't know. He had gotten a job at the

restaurant that he'd requested a transfer to. And I remember him having problems with some tax forms because you had to put an address, the local address, and he didn't have one. He got like a PO box or something, but I remember that very distinctly. I ended up asking him one night, where do you stay? Because I remember drawing a very strong boundary of he could not stay at my dorm. First of all, I had a roommate. Second of all, I had a twin-sized bed. But mostly I just didn't want anyone to know that he existed or that we hung out.

He had told me, I sleep in my car in a parking lot. Now, mind you, we lived in one of the coldest states in the United States. I kind of thought by the time winter would come, he would leave because he was willingly living in his car when he has a house in our home state. That whole semester was almost a blur to me now because I didn't have a job purposefully because I wanted to, you know, get used to college life. I was lying to all of my friends about where I was going whenever I wasn't with them. I was lying to my parents because I had started getting really anxious. and really depressed and thinking I was trapped because he wouldn't leave. And if I told him to leave, I assumed he would do terrible, horrible things.

I couldn't live with that. I thought, this is my life. I'm going to have to make the best of it. Then Nora found out that he was not coming home. They shared a phone plan or something so she could track his phone. she tracked him and saw that he was in my college town and she began calling me, harassing me, telling me horrible things about myself and about him. She would call me a home wrecker, a whore and a slut, all of these horrible things.

Because at the same time, he was texting her saying, I'm coming home. You're the only one for me. I'll be home soon. I'm just doing work stuff here. Along those lines, he was still stringing her along. And she would send me screenshots of these texts from him that are like, I love you so much. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm coming home soon. I was upset because he had moved states away. I figured I was the one for him. And to see that he was doing that was really messing with my psyche. I was very confused. I didn't understand what he wanted from me. It was all very upsetting. Then having her constantly calling me and emailing me and harassing me

was just like another layer of stress. Because I figured one day she's going to reach her breaking point and she might tell my parents. I was 18. I thought her telling my parents was the worst thing that could happen to me. I figured they would be disappointed in me for all of it. But more disappointed that I didn't come to them for help, I was really afraid that they would send me back to my home state to go to college near them. And that was the opposite of what I wanted. So in my teenage brain, I thought, oh, she's going to tell my parents, which she didn't.

Ryan would always tell me to block her number and just block her. Everything she says is the lie, she photoshopps the text messages, just block her. And I couldn't do it. I had raging anxiety. I was always anxious. I thought if she wasn't blocked, at least I know when she's trying to contact me. Whereas if she's blocked, I would be in the constant state of, oh my God, she's probably texting me. She's probably calling me threatening to tell my parents or to out us. I was so terrified. I physically couldn't block her because I wanted to know that when I wasn't getting messages from

her, it's because I actually wasn't getting messages from her. I did confide in my mom a little bit that semester about being anxious and being depressed. She got me set up with a psychiatrist and a therapist through to school, which was great. They, I think, diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. You move and you have all these anxieties because everything is different. I didn't have the courage to confide in them and tell them what was going on because I assumed they would be a mandated reporter and have to tell someone. And I wasn't ready for that. I didn't want that to happen. So I never confided in any of my psychotherapist about anything. My first semester was hard. I think I ended up getting like mono and the flu while dealing with all of this

and I would miss class all the time. Halloween or Thanksgiving, Ryan had gone home for the holiday, and I didn't. My family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, and Halloween is a college heyday. So I was in my college town for both of those holidays, and he went home. And he told me, I have to stay with Nora because why I want to see my kids. And also because I don't have enough money to get a hotel room. And if I'm only going to be there for a few days, then I want to see my kids the whole time. I thought I couldn't say anything to that because he's pulling the kid card.

And I was like, yeah, but I don't know that I want you staying at her place because, well, she says that you guys are dating. And he left for Thanksgiving. And he didn't talk to me the whole time. It was like five days. I didn't hear from him. I was so anxious. I thought maybe they were getting back together. That was one concern.

one concern was suicide. I had so many concerns, and I couldn't tell anyone. He ended up coming back at the end up December, and he was like, oh, well, you know, I was just busy with the kids and this and this. I crushed it off. This is not worth fighting over. I don't want to fight over it. I'm just going to leave it as it is.

He kept getting meaner and meaner, the more Nora would bother me. So if she texted me something and it upset me, he would get mad at me because I let it upset me. If I was upset, he would get mad and then scream at me, which would then make me more upset. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was right before Christmas break. I was going home. He was going home.

And I didn't want him to. If we were going to be a couple, I wanted to be a normal couple that could spend holidays together. And I knew that wasn't possible. and it was really isolating to me. It was towards December 18th or 19th. We went out to breakfast because he was leaving that day to go back home. I was excited to have a good breakfast and say bye and hopefully not get too anxious about the situation.

I had to stay a few more days because I had finals up until the day before Christmas Eve. And so did two of my friends. We were going to study and hang out for those couple of days before I went home because he was going to our home state for Christmas, I was worried about a lot of things, ranging from his safety, Nora's safety, his kid's safety, to be honest. I didn't know a whole lot about them.

I didn't really know how the dynamic of co-parenting works for them. I was also jealous. I didn't want him staying with another girl who he had clearly had intimate relationships with while we were together. I had a lot of anxiety with him leaving, but I thought that going home for Christmas would give me a good distraction. My family goes all out for Christmas. The one time of year we're all together. I was pretty excited for it.

So we had gone to breakfast, Ryan and I, the morning that he was leaving. It was good at first. Breakfast was kind of our thing. It was pleasant. And then while we were sitting there waiting for our food, I had gotten a phone call. and it was my mom and I didn't answer. I was in this mode that I wasn't really answering my parents' calls because I didn't want them to know how hard of a time I was having

and I didn't want them to worry about me. I would text them and be like, oh, I'm at a party or I'm hanging out with so-and-so and they took that pretty well. Then my phone rang again and it was Nora and immediate anxiety. I was very worried and Ryan knew because he saw her name and he said, why don't you block her? I was like, let me do what I want.

Because I didn't want to explain to him. Then I turned my phone on, Do Not Disturb. Then I started getting texts. And she's saying, I know you're with him. He's coming home and very vulgar things about their sex life and what they were going to do when they got home. But the straw that broke the camel's back was she sent me a screenshot from that morning from Ryan to Nora saying,

I can't wait to get home and have sex with you and cuddle with you and live our happy life with our kids and celebrate the holidays with you. All of these very nice things. The same things he would say to me, but to her, I got physically nauseous. It was very upset. Well, in hindsight, I know they were together the whole time that he was in my college town, but at the time, I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe I was important enough that he would leave his family behind. I remember reading that and I got so anxious and nauseous and upset that I couldn't eat. I physically couldn't.

I thought I was going to throw up. I wasn't eating and he noticed and he got really upset. He's like, what do you just eat? Are you telling me we're not going to have this good breakfast because she upset you? That's ridiculous. This is our last day together for a couple of weeks and you're letting her ruin it. I was so upset. I showed him the text.

I said, look, look what she sent me. It's from you and it says this. What am I supposed to do? Not be upset? Like, I'm very upset. He's like, I'm going to fucking kill her. I can't believe she would Photoshop and I can't believe you'd let her get to you.

You're making me so fucking mad. He said this a lot when we were together. He always would say to me, if you were a guy, I would have beat this shit out of you a long time ago because you never learned how to, to shut up or not state your opinion or be quiet. He said that while we were sitting there.

And I thought, oh, man, I don't want to be here. I couldn't even force myself to eat. I tried. He got so mad and he said, well, then we're leaving. I'm just going to drop you off at home. We're leaving. So he gets the waitress, gets our check, and he throws down cash and goes out to the car. I started crying in the restaurant.

When he was walking out, he said, if you're not out in two minutes, I will come fucking get you. And I was like, okay. I asked the waitress for my coffee to go. I don't even know why. I didn't even want it, but I felt like I needed something to do with my hands because I was so upset. She gave me the coffee to go. I went outside. He's on the phone screaming at Nora, saying that she's a liar and Photoshop this to ruin his day and how much she upset me.

Then he hangs up the phone after saying, I fucking hate you to Nora. And he's like, see, I told you I hate her, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, that doesn't help. But okay. If you're serious about growing this new year, what you put into your mind actually matters. And as someone who lives and breathes careers and self-development, even I get overwhelmed trying to do it all.

Between work, life, and trying to better yourself, self-care can start to feel like just another thing on the to-do list. But investing in yourself doesn't have to be comfortable. And with Audible, it isn't. It's time to take care of you. And who better to help than the top voices in well-being all in one place. With Audible's well-being collection, you can level up your career, finances, relationships, sleep, parenting, or mindset. Whether you want motivation, clarity, or practical advice, there is something there to support you every step of the way. I listen while I commute, clean, work, or just when I need a little bit of downtime. You'll hear from

bestselling authors Brené Brown and Jay Shetty, Chef Jamie Oliver, finance expert Rachel Rogers, and popular parenting guides like Raising Good Humans. Kickstart your well-being journey with your first audio book free when you sign up for a 30-day trial at outtable.com. Membership is 1495 a month after 30 days. Cancel any time.

There's more to imagine when you listen. I didn't say anything. And he's driving me back to my dorm and I keep getting phone calls from her and phone calls and phone calls. I stopped answering them. I stopped looking at them. We got parked in my dorm, parking lot, and I said, listen to these voicemen. Like, listen to what she says to me.

And tell me you wouldn't be upset if someone said that to you. I hadn't listened to these because they just came in when we were in the car. And I played one. She called me a bunch of names. And then she said, you're nothing but a homewrecker. everyone would be happier if you just fucking killed yourself. You have no value, but to ruin my life. He was livid.

I still don't know to this day if he was really mad at her or mad at me for listening to it or mad in general, but he was so mad that he took his phone and he slammed it on his dashboard and it bounced up and shattered his entire windshield. He said, look what you made me do. I have to pay all this gas money to drive back home, and now I'm going to have to get my windshield fixed, and I don't have the money to do that. And this is all because you wouldn't block her. I remember thinking, you're right.

Why couldn't I have just blocked her? Maybe she's right. If I didn't let him in a year ago when I was working with him in our home state, then, you know, maybe none of this would ever happen. I got out of the car, said by to him. He said later that all the color was drained from my body, and I looked empty. He drove away.

I ended up sitting on the steps outside of my dorm, and I started smoking cigarettes. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes, but over the course of this semester, I guess Nora smoked them or something, and he wanted me to start smoking them. I said no, and then eventually he berated me enough about it that I was. like, fine, I'll smoke one. Whenever we're around each other, he would want me to smoke. I, of course, got addicted to nicotine, but I was just sitting on those steps, chain smoking after chain smoking, after chain smoking.

I was listening to music, and that's when I made the decision. You're right. Everyone else would probably be better off without me. I'm miserable anyways. I feel trapped in this relationship, non-relationship. I can't tell anyone about it. it because I'm so afraid. She's so mean to me. I can't live in this constant state of anxiety anymore. It was freezing cold, but I remember not feeling cold and not caring. I walked into my dorm

with my coffee and I sat down on my desk and I thought, I can't do this anymore. I over the last few months, I've been stockpiling psych meds because I didn't want to take them. but I didn't want my psychiatrist to know I wasn't taking them, so I'd pick them up. And I ended up taking all of them at one time. My roommate was gone for the holidays. While I was doing it, Ryan had actually called me and left me a voicemail. I didn't listen to it for like a week or so, but it said, don't do anything stupid. You looked like you were going to do something stupid.

Don't do anything stupid. I love you, bye. That was it. I took all of this medication. I didn't really feel anything. In that moment, I didn't really think, would my parents be sad? Of course they would be sad. Would my friends be sad?

Of course they would. But no one knows how I'm feeling, and I'm feeling very alone and very terrified. Two of my friends were still in town. We had planned on spending the day together, doing whatever, studying and hanging out. One of my friends texted me and said, are you back yet? And I said, yeah, I'll be down there in a minute. So I walked down. They only lived like five dorms down.

I sat on their couch. My best friend was sitting across from me, and he was telling a story about something that had happened the night before. I thought, I love being around him and all of my friends. I don't want to miss more of these stories because I wasn't there the night before. And in the middle of him talking, I felt pretty normal physically, but I looked him right in the eyes and I said, I did something wrong. And he said, what? I repeated myself. I said, I did something wrong. And I started vomiting uncontrollably, couldn't even catch my breath. He's holding a trash can in front of me, rubbing my back. And he's like, it's okay, whatever you did, we'll get through it, I promise. He'll always be my best friend. And mind you, we had only known each other for like three months.

But it rings true six years later. My other friend is calling 911. I remember hearing her on the phone say, I don't know what she did, but you definitely need to come here. Most of the rest of that is a blur. I think the EMS got a chair in the hallway while I was puking into this trash can, and they asked me what happened. I told them that I had overdosed.

and the guy, I remember so distinctly, he said, on purpose. And I said, yeah, how would I do that on accident? He was like, no, I just have to ask that because if you say yes, there's different protocol than if you say no. And I was like, okay, whatever. Got in the ambulance, the hospital was like a block away. I went into the ER and my two friends came with me. The nurse said, we don't have to pump your stomach because you started vomiting.

we're going to monitor you and then send you to an inpatient facility. I thought, no, I don't want to go. I don't want to go to an inpatient facility. No, that's like three days. I had a final in two days and then Christmas Eve was that third day and they don't count holidays or weekend. I would have been there way past Christmas. And she's like, well, we have to.

There's something I can tell you different. Like, that's just what we have to do. I was really upset and she said, oh, by the way, I have to call your emergency contact. And I said, I'm 18. I'm not calling anyone. And she goes, yeah, but you did it on campus housing. And we're required to notify your emergency contact. So I called, thank God it wasn't my mom. She probably would have lost it. I called my dad. He was so confused. He was like, why? You seem so happy. I was like, I don't even know what to say. he was very supportive of my feelings without knowing anything that was going on.

I said my goodbyes to my friends because they were going home. I remember Ryan had texted me and was like, what are you doing? I just didn't respond. They told me they were taking my phone away and impatient. I was very scared that if I didn't answer him for three days, even though he would do it to me, I thought he would freak. out and think I was dead or that I didn't love him and that he would start contacting people I knew, snowballed into something that it wasn't. So I said, I'm in the hospital. I won't have my phone

for three days. He knew what that meant. And he didn't respond. I went to impatient. I did not utilize it as I should have because I was still afraid to tell anyone. I went through inpatient without really getting anything out of it. I told them, please, please let me out after two and a half days so I can take my final and then go home because being here is going to make me way more depressed. I've always been a really good student and my grades were slipping anyways that semester

with everything going on. So I really wanted to take this final and also get out. They did end up letting me out early because my third day would have fallen on Christmas Eve. and I would have stayed for seven days. And I took my final. And then I flew home. The whole time, my family is freaking out.

And the worst part actually was that in inpatient, there's landline phones that you can call people. But you couldn't call long distance. And my whole family was long distance. Three of my four friends, their numbers were long distance because they weren't from the town that we went to college. And only my best guy friend,

he was the only one I could call. I would call him. update him and then he would call my parents, but I couldn't talk to any of them. I flew home and I was home on Christmas Eve and we always do a huge Christmas Eve with our whole family and it's my favorite day of the year and I didn't want to go. I told my mom, I said, please don't make me go. She's like, you have to talk to me. Like I have no idea what's going on in your life to make you do this or to make you feel this way. Please help me understand. And I was like, I can't. I don't. I don't.

even know how to explain it. I can't do it. She was very upset, but my mom and I are like best friends. She would support me through anything. My mom said, just go to Christmas Eve because your grandparents are there. I don't want to explain to them why you flew all this way and then didn't come. You can just put on a face for a couple of hours. And I was like, okay, fine, I can't. It was my uncle's 50th birthday. So it was way more extravagant than our normal extravaganza was very overwhelming, but I did put on face for my family. Only a few members of my family even knew what had transpired with the inpatient therapy and the overdose.

No one talked about it. It did make me feel very alone, but my mom would, if I would talk to her, she would have talked to me. We come home after this big party and I didn't want to do Christmas, I didn't want to do anything. Still hadn't heard from Ryan. After I said I was in the hospital, he never answered. I was worried about him and all of that.

And I was laying in bed in the room with my mom. It was late at night, 10, 11 o'clock or something. And my mom had seen my phone was ringing. She said, who's Nora? I was like, oh, a friend from college. She's like, okay. And then my phone kept ringing. And kept ringing.

And Nora kept calling me. And I thought, she only calls me when I'm with Ryan. otherwise she doesn't bother me because she's with Ryan. So I thought something must be wrong because she's not with Ryan. Why is she talking to me? I looked at my phone and she texted me and said, this is an emergency, you need to call me. I said, I'm not calling you.

Whatever the emergency is, text it to me because I'm not talking to you on the phone. I didn't want to be put into like a trap of her screaming. That's next time on something was wrong. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, stay safe, friends. Something Was Wrong is a broken cycle media production, created and hosted by me, Tiffany Reese. If you'd like to support the show further,

you can share episodes with your loved ones, leave a positive review, or follow Something Was Wrong on Instagram, at Something Was Wrong podcast. Our theme song was composed by Gladrags. Check out their album, Wonder Under. you so much. If you're serious about growing this new year, what you put into your mind actually matters.

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