Something Was Wrong - S15 Ep2: [Valentina] Wait, You’re Supposed to Help Me

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

*Content warning: Physical and sexual violence, rape.  For free and confidential resources, please visit: somethingwaswrong.com/resources  Sources: https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence  https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics  https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/fastfact.html  To purchase SWW merch, please visit: represent.com/store/somethingwaswrong S15 Artwork by the amazing Sara Stewart @GreaterThanOkay

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It was easy. I called and spoke with a credit counselor right away. They asked me about my debt, salary, and regular expenses, gave me a few options, and help me along the way. You had a ton of debt. And you're saying credit counseling society helped with all of it? Yep. And now I can sleep better at night. When debt's got you, you've got us. Give credit counseling society a call today. Visit no more debts.org. Something Was Wrong is intended for mature audiences. Episodes discuss topics that can be upsetting, such as emotional, physical, and sexual violence,

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Hi, my name is Valentina. I am from the Midwest. I wanted to go ahead and share my story after almost 10 years now, after listening to this podcast and realizing what it can do to share your story, especially after time passes a little bit and you start to feel a little bit braver about everything. So with that being said, I am from the Midwest. I have two older brothers. My parents are still married. They have always sort of had the traditional gender roles, and I've always felt sort of protected by men having two older brothers and a strong father figure. I attended a university where most of my family actually went in the Midwest as well. My brothers went, my dad went, his brothers went.

My cousin went with me as well. It's in Appalachia, Ohio. The campus is pretty small. It's known for being a party school. But it's very beautiful down there. I felt safe a little bit about me as well. I have type 1 diabetes. I was first diagnosed when I was 12.

Also, it's some anxiety and depression, which definitely goes hand in hand with having a chronic illness. So managing that was always a little bit more difficult for me with the background of some mental illness as well. with type one diabetes, managing it, especially at a young age, can be very difficult. I played sports, and that was always hard to make sure that I had everything I needed. Being different from the other kids was very interesting as well. I never was bullied or anything like that because of my type one diabetes, but I struggled with having to bring all my supplies and having to check my blood sugars and everything like that. my mom is a nurse and she caught the symptoms. So luckily, too, I had her as someone to help manage my symptoms, especially in middle school and high school. Growing up, I especially was always trying to be

rebellious and that doesn't really work with type 1 diabetes. It really does weigh on you. You constantly have to manage what you are doing, what you're putting in your body and people do tend to judge you. Even the doctors I would go to. I had a few that would make me cry because they were like, I don't understand you're getting what I say, but you're not treating your body the way you should be. But it's way more beyond that. It's mental. It takes such a toll on you every day to have to want to make yourself feel better and know that, especially in the long run diabetes is one of those illnesses that in the long run, you'll see the major effects of vision loss, of losing limbs or toes, but in the short run, you don't see it that much. So it's hard, especially growing up to

put yourself in that mindset. I'm a nurse now, and I even see it with my coworkers, how they judge patients and how they take care of themselves. And I just know how hard it is, especially you don't realize the little things that affect your blood sugar and your health so easily when you have type 1. I know a lot of chronic illnesses are like that. It's definitely an interesting disease where you have to come to grips with the fact that you're helping yourself not only feel better right now, but in the long run for your longevity and health overall. So it's definitely something that can weigh on you, especially if you already have the background of having depression or anxiety. And and you're constantly looking at numbers and calculating and always having to be on top of what

you're doing. It's a hard disease that a lot of people don't really understand. Luckily now, I've gotten different tools to help me, and I've also gotten in a place mentally to help me learn to manage it better. But that also goes into going into college when I had type 1. I was drinking more than I should have those who are knowledgeable about type 1 diabetes or diabetes in general know that alcohol is not a good thing to mix, especially in excess, which I was definitely drinking in excess in college, which also went hand in hand with my depression and anxiety. I thought I was having fun and living my life, but it sort of was not beneficial for my health overall. Senior year of my college, I lived off campus. I was never in a sorority, but our house was

in the middle of sororities and fraternities. And I lived with seven girls. So it was a lot of fun. I liked all the girls I lived with. I was drinking and enjoying college, feeling very safe in the little bubble that campus was. On one Thursday in October, I ended up going out with my cousin,

who I lived with at the time as well. I ended up meeting with this guy that I had been talking to, dating casually. Nothing serious, I was just having fun. Later in the night, I was texting him. I ended up going to his place and hooking up with him. I was known to want to escape and go home at the end of the night.

Also, at that point, I felt like my blood sugar was going low, and I just wanted to go home to deal with that. I didn't want to have to mess around at his place. It was like 3.30 or 4 when I ended up leaving. He, of course, said, just stay. Like, you can, we'll figure it out here, but I was already convinced. I was like a block over.

So I was like, oh, this is no big deal. I'm just going to walk home, get home very quickly. There was an alleyway where the back of my house was at the time. And it was a shortcut. So I ended up going that way, which is a lot darker. There's no lights lighting up that area. The alleyway, you pass the back of a fraternity house and then my house. And when I was walking, I saw a guy on the other side of the street.

And I didn't really think anything of it. He looked my age. And I was thinking he was another drunk college student. Then I looked down at my phone and I saw a text from the guy that I had just been with. And when I looked up, the guy was behind me, strangling me, lifting me up on my tippy toes. And I just remember saying, no, no, no, no, no, no. then that was it. And I woke up with him on top of me. I remember when I woke up, my head was turned, and my own voice, my head was like, you need to wake up. So I woke up with him on top of me.

And then I started saying, no, no, no, no again. And he was in my ear whispering to shut the F up or I'll stab you. I have this knife. And at that point, your adrenaline slash, I don't know how much alcohol out of my system at that time, but I was in a fear too. So I started saying, I have diabetes. I am going to die from low blood sugar. I don't know if you know what diabetes is, but I need to eat. And I was focused on that, which I think now, well, now I realized that it is sort of a fear. of mine to get abducted without any of my insulin supplies or anything like that because of how quickly I would probably pass away without anything like that. So I was pleading with him, basically, but at the same time a little bit mocking him with like, do you even know what diabetes is?

And he just kept telling me to shut the F up, trying to show me his knife. He ended up choking me again. And I passed out. When I woke up again, my pants were down. And I remember that specifically because when I pulled up my pants, I had leaves like coming up into my underwear with that. It's like a core memory that I remember. I still had my phone and I had mud and leaves all over like the back of my hair and on my clothes. I was wearing like an XXL sweatshirt and yoga pants. And I remember the back was just caked in mud. When I did end up getting up, I stood in the middle of the alley. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know if he was still around and I didn't want him to follow me. So I called 911 and I waited for the police to come and I ended up walking a different way from my house. They came pretty quickly. The officer that came to talk to me, he ended up being a pretty predominant role.

in this whole scenario for me. But I was questioned by him. He asked me where I'd been. I told him everything. I was very confused. I ended up going in the ambulance and calling my mom who picked up right away. In the ambulance, the woman who picked me up was like, don't scare her. And I was tried not to, but I didn't know what to say.

So I was just like, I think I was attacked. I think I don't know if I was raped. I'm going to the hospital. And she and my dad drove that night to come meet me in the hospital. When I was on my way there, I texted one of my friends that I lived with. And she somehow woke up and came to the hospital and she was amazing. She stayed with me and let me cry in her lap and played me music. One thing that was sort of odd was when she came in, that police officer that had come

to talk to me initially. He stopped her and asked to see her phone and looked through her text and saw that I texted her, that I was attacked. And he said, does she do this a lot? And she was very confused and she was like, no, and didn't really know what he meant. Then I found out later too that so my dad, he doesn't know what to do in situations. Well, I mean, no one really wouldn't know what to do in the situation, which is fair. But he was trying to figure out exactly what happened, and he was trying to talk to the officer, trying to get a timeline just because he didn't want to be around me in the hospital when I was getting things like the rape kit done and things like that. And the officer ended up getting mad at my dad and saying that I wasn't being

forthright with my information and that I was hiding things, which was not true. I realized later that I had gotten a concussion from the guy. He must have. of either drug me and slam me into a rock or something, I don't know. He obviously was not gentle with me by any means. I went home with my parents, which is about an hour and a half away. I finished the semester at home. It was really strange because most of the teachers that I reached out to about doing homework and things like that and getting information at home because of what happened

were very, very willing to work with me, except for one of my psychology professors was like, you should think about taking the semester off. And that was something that I wasn't willing to do. I just wanted to be done. So I immediately within a few days decided I wanted to get a dog because I wanted to feel safe sleeping by myself. And I wanted to feel safe going for runs and walks. I decided that I was going to get a German Shepherd puppy. And he still lives with me and he's nine years old now and I love him so much. He would come with me back and forth to the school I was going to. I also realized that I had gotten a concussion because halfway I would always have to stop and vomit at a pit stop because I would get these terrible headaches every day. Then I would have to

meet with the officers and the guy that I had been talking to prior to getting attacked, the officers were saying that he wasn't participating. And when I reached out to him, he said that wasn't true. He had given them all the samples that they requested. So a lot of it was strange, especially how the officers acted towards me and my family at that time. They acted like I was hiding things, that everyone was hiding things. And we were honestly just trying to figure out what was going on and how we could figure out who this guy was. I'm so incredibly sorry. It's already such a horrific experience. And then to have people make you feel like you have to explain yourself or stand up for yourself instead of being supported. Thank you. It felt like they thought I was just a drunk

girl that passed out on the middle of the road and didn't know what was going on. First of all, I was drinking, obviously, but I've never passed out, especially in the middle of the road. And I wouldn't have taken myself in the middle of the mud and stuff. So it was very strange. It was like I was the one who was in the wrong. I don't think they wanted to deal with me. I'm where they're from. I don't think that they were adequately trained, which is so crazy because they're right in the middle of campus. The way they handled the situation was like I was completely in the wrong and I had done something rather than helping me figure out what had happened. It was technically off campus. So my dad, he ended up writing a letter to the president because he was so frustrated.

The president didn't know anything about this and was like, I'm so sorry this happened. And there was a advocate center that someone referred me to. And I walked there and they told me that I was doing everything right, basically, and that I had already done everything they would have told me to do. It wasn't as helpful as I would have hoped. But that's the thing, too, is it just felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to do, like that people tell you to do. But it felt like they were mad about it.

Like the police didn't want to deal with it. It was a very strange thing to deal with, especially after, yeah, being attacked. And then you're like, wait, you're supposed to help me. And now I feel like I did something wrong. And I'm not blaming anyone. I wasn't like I was trying to say it was a specific person. I had no idea. I just was looking for help and answers.

I ended up talking to a specific detective during most of that initially. And he ended up saying to me at one point, I believe something happened to you, which was sort of amazing for me to hear because I did feel like I was being told that I drank too much and I didn't know what I was essentially talking about. That detective ended up being switched out. The new detective was the police officer that had initially responded to my case, who was not the best at handling me or my family. I asked him, I said, what happened to the other detective? And he said, why you don't want to talk to me? And I was like, no, I was just curious because I had obviously spent a lot of time talking to him

trying to figure things out. And he was very defensive and not pleasant to work with. I ended up graduating on time and I started working. I had been seeing a therapist right after that happened. And I thought I felt better. But then I started hearing news about this serial rapist that had been caught and arrested. I started reading all the things that he had done. He had been caught in a neighboring town.

They had tested his DNA and realized that he was connected to all these rapes and attacks from the college that I attended. And once I started reading about these attacks, I realized how similar they were. He would jump out and tackle girls. He would choke them. He would threaten them. He would prey on these girls that were walking home alone at night. He did end up being around my age,

which was similar to the original description that I had thought that he was a college kid. The first article must have been about that girl who was in a neighboring town, which is also the town that my, parents both grew up in, so I'm very familiar with it as well. And even going back now to that town and the other town where I went to college is like a little bit different for me, knowing he was there. When I started reading articles and trying to figure out everything, it was definitely shocking.

I remember being like, there's no way this isn't the same person. It's one of those things too where I wanted validation immediately and I wanted someone to be like, yeah, this is him and I had to wait a little bit longer. I was also working at the time, and it was for sure hard because I started bringing up all these feelings. I was trying to navigate that, and I was feeling so sad, reading about the other women, too. It could have been prevented had the police taken stuff more seriously, but it was definitely shocking. I had put it in the back of my brain, like, okay, this is something we're never going to figure out who it was. He just went into hiding and, is going to keep doing this silently. And that had been where my brain was at with it and sort of

accepting it. And then seeing, oh, there's someone who could possibly be to blame for this was reopening everything again and me being like, here's the person, here's his face, here's the name. I am one of those people too who I want to know everything about everything. So I was reading as many articles as I could whenever they would come out. I was looking on social media at his family and trying to figure out who he was and why he would do things like this. And if I recognized him, everything I could, it was just sort of a reopening for that wound and trying to figure out as much as I could. But obviously, I was in a whole new life and doing my own thing. So trying to figure out how to navigate that as I had thought I moved on. Once I had a name and a face, I was trying to

get as much information as possible. And it reopened everything for me again. The way he was attacking the girls, I was like, this is the same person. And then when I had looked into who he was, he had started doing this when he was 15. I started down a rabbit hole two of his family. And he had a younger sister and I was thinking about I had two older brothers. I couldn't imagine one of my brothers being in this situation and being like, oh yeah, he definitely did this unless there was signs or something, but she was obviously defending him, which makes complete sense. When I figured out he was married and had a little girl, I was in shock about that, how someone could be so much of a different person than he was going out and doing all of this. And obviously, I don't

know him personally, but thinking how his wife felt, I can't imagine being in that situation. So that was very hard for me too, because I started putting myself in everyone's shoes with the situation. And it was very hard for me to understand and process. Once people start talking online. Everyone starts being like, oh, I knew he was a terrible person. And other people would be like, there's no way this is this kid that grew up in our town. It was at the time very, very interesting to read everything, but probably not the best way to go about it. Ended up a whole new thing's process of thinking about how a person that people believe is one human to be completely different. he was from the town that the college is located in.

So he grew up there. One of his victims, the one who ended up getting the rape kit done and knew who he was, was a friend of his girlfriend at the time. He had finally attacked someone that knew who he was, which is how he was discovered. She described him heavy breathing, that she had woken up to him heavy breathing. I had gone back to my college after that happened. I was at the watering fountain, and someone was breathing heavy behind me, and I started getting triggered, and I was like, oh, my gosh, that heavy breathing.

Now I remember he was doing that. The details, I was like, this has to be the same person that attacked me. I also read that he had started this at the age of 15. He had started following a woman home that was walking downtown, and he followed her into her house and raped her. So it had been about 10 years that he's been doing this. I ended up calling the police and being like, hey, I had a weird case like that of this guy attacking me. Did you guys think about him possibly being the person that attacked me?

And they were still sort of strange about it and like, oh, yeah, you're of the top one we thought of when all this came down. and I was just like, I don't understand why no one called me or anything like that. But okay, he ended up having his day in court, which I didn't know about either. He admitted to having attacked these women and they got his statement about other women that he wasn't charged for. And one of them ended up being me, which it was crazy because that was the first time that someone had called me. been like, hey, so he admitted to what he did to you and we're so, so sorry this happened. It was the first time that I was like, wow, finally, it took the rapist to say something for you guys to believe me, but thank you. I don't know how many it actually was. I've tried to figure that

out, but because some of them he didn't get charged for, but he admitted to, none of the things that I've read about has said the exact number. And I feel like it's been from four to six that I've seen in the papers, but I'm not exactly sure. He ended up getting 40 years in prison. It was very strange to think of how a human being can be completely different than what his actions are. Someone can see him in such a different light, especially having a little girl and one on the way. was very sad to me. I feel sad for his wife and his little girls that are growing up now. The reason they could really identify me was because he did end up saying he felt bad for the diabetic girl. So at least I had made an impact with my plea of the diabetes. That really did end up shocking me

and made me realize that I had not actually gotten over that situation. I went back to therapy. And I ended up finding a therapist that really made me feel better because I feel like I've gone to therapy and talked to different therapists. And I have not found one that has matched me. But she told me to never let this person take your spirit. And that really spoke to me and made me understand that people, they do these things. And you can't explain why because that was also a big situation for my brain to try to be like, but why would someone do that to someone else? But luckily now, I am feeling a lot better

and almost nine years later, he is in prison. I still get the updates of where he's at and everything. Hopefully he doesn't get out on good behavior or anything like that, but I can at least keep tabs on him. It's just a very crazy scenario. It doesn't feel real a lot of the times and sort of shook up my whole world, even with the whole men situation,

when I had so much trust in the system and in men, and then it made me realize that not everything is as it seems and as we are brought up to see it as. The police definitely was the biggest shock. I had never dealt with the police in a situation like this before, and in my sheltered life, I assumed that if you go to the police and you say something happened to me, I need help that they would be no matter what supportive of you and on your side, but instead it just felt

completely like I had been in the wrong and I had done something. It was very jarring to realize, oh, not everything is black and white and not everyone wants to help you. I don't have experience in huge cities, but I see how people are treated by the system, and it's very shocking. very upsetting. I am in a lot bigger of a city now as a nurse, and I get patients that come in and they are prisoners and I see how they're treated and it's awful. They end up so much thicker than they need to be. And I don't know, I'm not blaming police for all the situations, but it's just not what you think. The system is not what you think. You're not going to be trusted. You have to look out for yourself and make sure that you have everything in line for yourself.

It's definitely not a supportive situation in my case, at least. It did make me, it changed my view on men in general. I'm married now and I love my husband so much and I think he's amazing. But I am not blindly accepting that powerful men or men in general are going to protect me. they are definitely a spectrum and so are women too. I'm not saying they aren't. I had to grow up a lot from that. I'm not thankful that I went through it, but in some cases, I'm thankful that I was able to see the world a little bit differently and understand things a little bit better. Once this happened to me, a lot of women started coming forward and saying that they've been in scenarios where they've been

attacked. It's like a secret club that no one wants to be in, but somehow a lot of people are in. And knowing that it's okay to take your own route when healing, you don't have to do anything that anyone says, you don't have to talk to anyone, but a lot of times it's super helpful. But take your time for when you're ready. You don't have to go and tell everyone what happened to you. It's up to you, what you want to share. But just know that there's a lot of support. And when you do want to look for it, then there's a lot of people that are wanting to help you through it. When this initially happened, I'm one of the people who I want to be better. I want to feel better.

I thought I was doing everything, like going to therapy, trying to work through it, getting my dog, and finishing school. But I have realized that you need to take time for yourself to process something so traumatic. And it's not going to go away. I had a great support system, which I'm so thankful for. But you need to take things at your own pace and not have other people tell you when you should feel better. If things make you uncomfortable, then you don't have to continue to do them. You're allowed to say, I'm uncomfortable, and I need time. For me, I needed time.

And I needed to process fully. I needed to find the right therapist to help me through. because even when you think you're feeling better and then years later, when something gets brought up again, it's important to know that you may have to open your toolbox again and you may need to find someone to talk to again. I've always been open to therapy and knowing my limits like, okay, this is triggering to me. Finding the right resources too for you is always important. Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing that.

It's so incredible that you were able to continue with school, graduate, and now you're working as a nurse and helping other people. Are you able to take this knowledge into your interactions with your patients? Yeah, definitely. I work in a hospital too. I'm in critical care and it's a level one hospital for trauma. So we see some pretty horrific things sometimes. It is definitely. After my situation, different to be able to realize that people are having a really hard time processing. We see them for such a short amount of time sometimes. Sometimes they're in there for months, but still how quickly their lives change on one scenario and how they're processing. So you try to give them as much grace and hope as you can.

It's an interesting thing to put into perspective. I am very appreciative to know what it's like sometimes to be in these situations and be able to care for people to sort of pay it forward and be someone when someone needs that care. I'm always happy to be at least understanding. And if they can't talk or anything, at least I can care for them and give them the things that they need to try to heal. Well, I admire it so much. Thank you so much again for your willingness and your time to share your story. I really, really appreciate it. Thank you for listening.

Every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. Younger people are at the highest risk of sexual violence. Ages 12 to 34 are the highest risk years for rape and sexual assault. 29.5% of Native American women, 21.2% of African American women and 20.5% of white women are estimated to have experienced rape or sexual assault in their lifetime. Women with intersecting marginalized identities, low-income, HIV-positive, bisexual, or incarcerated women are at an increased risk for sexual victimization. Males, ages 18 to 24, who are college students, are approximately five times more. likely the non-students of the same age to be a victim of rape and sexual assault.

21% of TGQN, transgender, genderqueer, non-conforming college students have been sexually assaulted. The Department of Defense estimates about 20,500 service members experienced sexual assault in 2018. Sexual violence can have long-term effects on victims. The likelihood that a person suffers suicidal or depressive thoughts increases after sexual violence. 30% of women report symptoms of PTSD nine months after the rape. If you or a loved one is in need of support, please visit something was wrong.com slash resources for a list of nonprofit organizations that can help. Thank you so much for listening.

Until next week, stay safe, friends. Something Was Wrong is a broken cycle media production. created and hosted by me, Tiffany Reese. If you'd like to support the show further, you can share episodes with your loved ones, leave a positive review, or follow Something Was Wrong on Instagram, at Something Was Wrong podcast.

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