Something Was Wrong - S16 Ep8: Memories for Blessing

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

*Content Warning: police brutality, murder, racism, bigotry, death, interpersonal violence, alcohol and substance use disorder, body-image abuse, emotional abuse, fatphobia, disordered eating, anorexia, childhood abuse, gun violence, suicidal ideation. *Sources: Ruben’s witness statement via youtube: https://youtu.be/jSForwD_lRA Vigil for # Justice4BobbyHenning 2/21/14 Paramount CA. By: inLeague Press 2014.Free and confidential resources + Safety Tips: somethingwaswrong.com/resources Artwork by the amazing Sara Stewart:@GreaterThanOkay - Instagram.com/greaterthanokay

Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences, as it discusses topics that can be upsetting, such as emotional, physical, and sexual violence. Content warnings for each episode and confidential and free resources for survivors can be found in the episode notes. Some survivor names have been changed for anonymity purposes. pseudonyms are given to minors in these stories for their privacy and protection. Testimony shared by guests on this show is their own and does not a number of. necessarily reflect the views of myself, broken cycle media, or wondering. The podcast or any

linked materials should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional expertise or treatment. All persons are considered innocent and less proven guilty in a court of law. Thank you so much for listening. where he said they shot him in cold blood, and then he never went for the gun. It was like coming to terms with the unimaginable. It never made sense when they said he went for the gun. That didn't make sense to me.

None of it made sense to me. It felt like I was in some fucked up nightmare movie and none of it was real. But when I saw that, it was truly all of it was just unfathomable. And knowing that this person and had witnessed Bobby's last moments and had called 911 for a 5150 because he saw that Bobby was having a mental health crisis. And then to hear what took place and how he was murdered and discarded for absolutely no reason is beyond devastation and injustice.

None of it made any sense. none of it. Seeing more coverage online, it was apparent that things were not as they were first described. I can't honestly remember when I learned what details when, but what I can tell you now is what my understanding of the events that took place are. According to my understanding of the evidence that was presented at the Civil trial later, as well as the information shared by the witness both before and during the trial. Bobby had purchased a used car a week before his daughter's birthday. He left Auburn and was

traveling towards Los Angeles when his car broke down off the Paramount exit. He, I believe, had his skateboard with him or was on foot and was having a mental health crisis. A 50 150 or a mental health crisis is typically when somebody is experiencing suicidal ideation and they're considered a threat to themselves. As I've shared before, Bobby has experienced suicidal ideation at various times throughout his life. Bobby was crying. It's a little confusing because some people use the term street and other people have used the term sidewalk. But after visiting the site, It's a busy two-lane road where there's like a bunch of strip malls and gas stations and things like that. And there was a church.

Bobby was crying in front of the church doing sit-ups, which was really heartbreaking to hear that piece because I knew that to be one of his coping mechanisms when he was having mental health challenges. physical exercise was a way for him to center himself and try to regulate his emotions. So obviously very heartbreaking to hear that. Ruben, the witness, had been walking and saw Bobby crying in front of the church. He had called in to 911, a 5150 mental health crisis. Bobby was either in the street or on this thicker sidewalk in front of the church. Certain persons have said he was. on steps at first and then certain people said he was in the street. So I'm not sure, but it was dark,

it was late. And Rubin was concerned because he was crying and he was afraid that something bad was going to happen to him. Even though Bobby had just turned 22, he looked much younger. My older brother, Tony, would describe him as a buck 25 soaking wet. I don't know his weight, but as far as physical threats go when we're thinking about an individual and there are like physical strength compared to four armed police officers. I think it's important to note. So Rubin was there watching out for Bobby on his behalf. Okay. And when they came, the sergeant came on the opposite side of the road. And when he came by, he asked me, what are you doing? And I said, well, there's a guy in the middle of the street. Didn't you get the call? And he looks back on his screen. And when he looks on his screen,

he realized that I had made that call. So next thing I know, he's calling. He's calling. He's a He's calling this catch, I guess, and telling him he's got a 5150 here. And he ain't even talked to the subject in the street. So next thing I know, here comes squad cars from every direction. Came out with a gun drawn, came up to him, picked him up, and shot him point blank. I said, you son of a bitch. And the guy that did, the cop that did it, walked over to the other squad car next to me, leaned up against it, and I asked him, why did you shoot him?

He says, he went for my gun. Fair damn liar. You didn't go for your gun. I've seen the whole thing from right here. And the next thing I know, his partner came. And he said, hey, partner, you did a good job. Good job, partner. Can you imagine that?

Imagine somebody saying that after they murdered somebody? There was multiple sheriff's officers' cars that pulled up. They turned off their dash cams. They got out. There was three additional officers. Someone picked Bobby up, is the description, and Nicholas Stewart shot my brother two times in the chest. He fell to the ground. What I was told is that the officer said to the other officer, good job. I don't know when I learned this detail, but I will never forget it. I was told that they high-fived over my brother's body. He wasn't declared dead until he was at the hospital. He wasn't declared dead in the ambulance, as far as I know. So that, That means that they high-fived and were saying good job while my brother was bleeding to death in the street. I'm not going to get into all of the reasons why police officers would behave this way.

We will have an educational episode in the future, but I'm not going to get into that right now. But what I will say is that if you don't understand why the police would shoot somebody or harm someone for, no reason. You haven't been paying attention. I would encourage you to research police brutality in the United States as well as Los Angeles police gangs. Something of note about the news articles that came out in the beginning was that the police identified him as a Hispanic male, and that's what the news reported. My brother and I and my dad were not Hispanic. We're Jewish, but for whatever reason, pretty much all of our lives. The three of us have all been asked if we were Hispanic. My brother and dad had darker complexion than me. Bobby spent a lot of time outside and both of us can get really

tan, especially if we're spending a lot of time outside. So anyhow, this was a constant conversation of my dad's growing up, like people asking what race, ethnicity, nationality, people ask all different ways. But essentially, this wasn't new. But the reason why I think it's important is as far as Los Angeles police gangs go and certain motivations that they have for why they target certain persons that could have been a factor, which is why I'm pointing it out. I don't know if those factors were at play here. However, what was extremely disturbing was seeing the comments on these news articles, people writing things like, oh good, another slur, dead, probably hear illegally stupid slur.

I do remember hearing there was a witness. I don't remember when we found out about it, though. This is around the time that it really sunk into me that people who comment on stories are so ignorant of the facts and will just say anything because they're angry. There was comments on their people making racist comments people just automatically assuming that it had something to do with gangs or something to do with illegal immigrants. People guessing the worst things you could ever imagine based off of like

absolutely no evidence of that and the story that was written. I just remember reading it and being horrified that people are even allowed to comment on articles like that. Learning everything about everything felt unreal. And it was incredibly difficult. to come to terms with. On top of that, people tended to make really fucked up and strange and weird comments due to the way that my brother was murdered. Many tried to, like, discredit it or disqualify the magnitude due to the person that murdered him.

That was another layer of pain. That's really hard to describe. It was extremely confusing as well, because we didn't know all the details. We like heard the same excuse the police make every single time they shoot somebody. They say it's very easy to say that somebody went after your weapon. Sorry, it makes me really mad. Every day for about a month after Bobby was murdered, I would wake up, pack up the kids,

and I would go to my mom's apartment with my mom and Everett. People would visit and they would bring food and say stupid shit. sometimes, then some people were great. It's bizarre how people respond sometimes when people die, especially when it's someone's child. Obviously, it was incredibly heartbreaking for Liz and for everyone. I felt intensely sorry for her. From that point on, I kind of allowed her to treat me and behave however she wanted

for quite some time, because of the empathy and compassion I felt towards her loss and what everyone was going through. I can't remember if it was the day after or the following day, but at some point I demanded to go to Bobby's apartment and see what was inside of it. Thankfully, the person that was renting to him let us in. It was a very small place and it didn't have much in it, but it was terribly heartbreaking to be in. his space with all his things without him. I remember going in there and seeing his stuff,

you know, his skateboards, his CDs. And there was this little yellow sugar skull, like the one that's on the artwork for this season. The second I saw it, I knew that that was the one thing I wanted to keep, knowing the significance of what they represent, especially the smaller ones, represent the loss of a child or a young person. It's palm size, and I'm staring at it right now. It sits on my desk, and it looks at me every day. As pretty much all other stressful times in my family's life, I was looked to handle everything and keep everybody together. And of course, I was happy to help as much as I could. We went to a local funeral home. It was expensive, and they didn't have money to pay for it. There was a small,

fundraiser set up and some friends had donated money and I really appreciated that. Like, people could donate towards the funeral instead of flowers and I ended up loaning them some money so they could pay for the service and everything. But it was so bizarre and it made me feel like I was living inside some fucked up episode of six feet under. I remember trying to plan the funeral going with Tiffany and Liz. Liz can't deal with it, obviously. That's so hard to deal with.

And trying to support Tiffany, as Tiffany's trying to express family's wishes for service, et cetera. So much of this time is a blur. But what I recall is when we were talking about making the arrangements, I really wanted a viewing, especially because I hadn't seen Bobby. I don't know. I just really wanted to see him. and be with his shell one more time.

But the problem was Los Angeles County wasn't returning his body. And they wouldn't explain why. They wouldn't give us any of his things because an officer had shot him. We were being treated like we did something wrong. And they were basically in cover-up mode. L.A. County not releasing Bobby's body

was causing issues, delaying and delaying, delaying for what, I don't even remember what the excuses were. It felt ridiculous. It was nearly three weeks before we got his body. It was so long that we could barely do the viewing and that he ended up having to be cremated. So we had the viewing the day before the service and that was for sure the hardest part. I'm really thankful. There was a handful of our very close friends that we asked if they were.

would attend in support. I'm so thankful to each of those people for being there. That was probably the hardest day of my life. They had a viewing the night before, which I don't know, I feel like too heavy to describe adequately. A lot of people there to support. It's hard to lose anybody in general, especially somebody's so young in such a shocking fashion. It makes the emotions of it all that more jumbled. Last we heard was Bobby's headed to Oklahoma to see his daughter. To have to go and say goodbye, even though it's to that person's shell. There was just a lot of crying.

There was a few different times where I would go up and sit with him. I can't remember how long you have. I think it's like an hour or two. Putting my hand on his hand and it just felt so cold and not alive. I don't, it just felt really cold. I also remember noticing on the side of his head, there was a lot of bruising. And I remember trying to like question somebody about it. Like why, why is there bruising on his head?

If he was shot in the chest, why is this? Somebody said he probably fell on impact, or I guess it could have happened afterwards. It was horrible. It was heartbreaking. I just really wanted to see him as hard as it was. In the funeral, there was standing room only. There was so many people who wanted to honor Bobby and be there in support. I don't remember a lot about the service.

I spoke. I read something. People speaking and people hugging you. A lot of Bobby's friends who I had never met before I were there. Afterwards, there was a reception. The kids didn't go to the funeral, but they were at the reception. I just remember wanting to not talk to anybody. But there's so many people there that have gone out of their way to be there for you.

So it was this strange. thing. I think a lot of times people don't know what to say when someone dies, especially when someone's murdered, especially when someone's murdered by the cops, especially when the person that's murdered by the cops is a young person who had their whole life ahead of them. I would encourage people if they find themselves in that position and they don't know what to say, just stick with I'm sorry and is there anything I can do? You don't need to give your hot takes. People just want to be seen and they just want their feelings validated. Sometimes people will, when they hear that my brother was killed by the police,

for some reason, some people will, within sentences, respond with, well, not all police are bad, you know that, right? That's like when you hear somebody was murdered by a man or a woman being like, you know not all men or women are murderers, right? And also, what the fuck does that have anything to do with it? It's very complex. There are psychological reasons, white, people, I believe, try to protect themselves from the unimaginable and they sometimes victim shame

or try to discredit people because psychologically it's easier for them to think that that person is lying or there's more to this or whatever versus the very uncomfortable truth, which is police brutality is very real and sometimes the people who are supposed to protect you murder people. Bobby's ex-girlfriend and my niece, his daughter came for the services and it was really great to see them. Bob tried to get permission from the prison to be released to attend so we had to worry about that he was going to be there for a week or so and then finally we got words that it had been denied. The impact that this loss had on my family and friend relationships is that due to the deep regret of sort of unfinished business between Bobby and I for years to follow. I allowed people in my

life longer than I should have because I was so afraid of being on bad terms with people. If somebody would give me the silent treatment or there's extended periods of time where you're at odds with somebody, I really struggle with that still. I really hate being not at peace. I really hate being not at peace. even if it's just to be like, this isn't what's best. Having any sort of unspoken things, that's really difficult for me. And I think a lot of that stems from that deep regret that I feel from the way things transpired leading up to Bobby's murderer. I also think because I felt so horrible for Liz, it's like before when I was trying to essentially keep things kosher between us because I was. I was hopeful and I wanted her to get sober and sometimes I see people's potential instead of their

reality and I will accept people based on their potential that I see in them not the person that they've shown me that they are. That stems from the relationship that I had with my parents and always thinking if I could love everybody hard enough, if I could be the best example, if I could help people just get through this next thing, very codependent, amashed, over-responsible thinking. I was already feeling that way with Liz trying to stay sober. After we lost Bobby, it was really hard for me to have any boundaries because I felt so sorry for her. The loss of a child is completely unimaginable, and it created an even messier relationship. It's weird after the funeral, everybody goes back to their regular life. The flowers people send to die and there's nothing left to plan. And it's like,

what am I supposed to do now? But for me, I had two beautiful children that were completely reliant on me for their every need. From my perspective, I couldn't take work off and not get paid. Our family would not have a place to live. So it was like grief gets pushed aside for survival. in instances like that, trying to be there for Tiffany as much as I could. I tried my best to focus on taking care of the kids and work, again, throwing myself into creativity. I certainly was struggling with my mental health, but I tried to continue compartmentalizing. Thankfully, I was able to eat during all of my pregnancies for the most part, except for the last one, but that's because I had the chronic barfing condition and had to be on medication.

But at this point, I had Jude and Ruby. And what would typically happen is I would eat as normal as possible during my pregnancy and gain a lot of weight. Then after I was done nursing or after I gave birth, typically I would be pretty triggered and lead to me getting really heavily back into dieting and exercise. I've also used dieting and exercise as a way to punish myself in the past. Throughout these years, there was a lot of what I would describe as yo-yo starvation. There would be times that I would be able to eat and feel confident and feel like I was headed

in a positive direction. And then there would be times where I would be trying to starve myself as much as possible and being really, really hard on myself and very fatphobic towards myself, it was very unhealthy. Not long after Bobby passed away, Liz had shared with us that they would be pursuing a civil suit against the Los Angeles County sheriffs because there wouldn't be any sort of legal charges given that police officers are protected against legal charges in most states for murder, which, yeah.

What I knew about the civil suit was that they were talking to a very well-known attorney in Los Angeles area that specifically worked with families that had experienced police brutality. He was a civil rights lawyer. From the beginning of this process, I expressed that I felt that any funds or materials that were gained from Bobby's estate or any sort of civil suit should go to his daughter, should be put in a trust for his daughter when she turns 18. Other people did not agree with that. And I really tried to stay out of it because I was not looking for any sort of monetary compensation for myself. I shared my opinion about it that I felt it should go to Bobby's daughter. There was a lot of conflict between Liz and Bobby's ex-girlfriend, his

daughter's mom. A lot of it had to do with money and things. I found that to be very upsetting and gross, to be honest. I want to say first and foremost before I say what I'm going to say next that I 110% support families, especially those who lose family members to police brutality and murder to seek justice where they can. And unfortunately, a lot of the time, the only way to seek any sort of justice or accountability is through civil courts, civil federal courts when it comes to police brutality and allegations of these kind. I think that we need more accountability. However, I will never forget. I don't know how long after Bobby had passed away that this was said, but there was a moment where Liz, the mask sort of would slip sometimes. And I don't know if

she was medicated during this time. I think she may have been. through a doctor, though. Sometimes she would kind of like drift off and it's like the truth would slip out and the mask would slip. It breaks my heart to share this because it's so fucked up. But it's also such an important piece of how it impacted my relationship with her and how I saw her. It was a big one. Even though I saw that this person was going through something really horrible, She said, yeah, I'm so fucked up in the head. I'll admit when I first heard that Bobby had been killed by the police, I thought we're going to get some money for that.

I just remember being horrified. I don't even know if I could speak. I don't even know what. I think at the time I just chalked it up to like she's just rambling and grieving so deeply. She also said things like she wished it was me or she wished it was Tony that had been killed instead. She was having a one-on-one discussion with her mom right after Bobby passed. She's like, I know this is going to sound weird, but it's also not going to sound weird. But like one of the first things that my mom said to me when it was just us was,

we're going to get some money out of this. That was where her mind was. I honestly just thought she was being selfish. Her normal, that always felt for me or my perspective, it felt like a lot of the things she did was just because she only thought. thought about herself in the moment and yeah, didn't want to have to be accountable to anybody else. There was a lot of fucked up things coming out of her mouth during this time.

Losing a child is so horrific that everybody was trying to be as understanding and supportive as possible. But it's hard to like forget something like that, especially when it's your parent saying it about someone that you love so deeply that it's like, no part of me was thinking anything like that. I couldn't even wrap my head around it. It felt like for me, my parents were once again going to profit off of my brother's trauma, just like when they tried with the dog bite or any of the other times that they would try to, like,

sue people or come up with these wild ideas for ways they could sue people or whatever the fuck shadiness they were up to. Obviously, this was very different, but it's hard sometimes to separate those feelings, given the history that I had with these people with Bob and Liz. Eventually, I would hear that even Bob would be able to join the civil suit. So Bob and Liz were actually together on the civil suit working with the same attorney. I don't know if that's because legally they had to, but essentially my understanding was that the attorney was representing the family and the civil case was in representation of three parties,

Liz, Bob, and the estate on behalf of his daughter. The coinciding of the loss of Bobby and not long before that, having a baby led to another deep struggle with my eating and body image. I became too fixated on these things. The older you get, the harder it gets to lose weight for a lot of people. And it was like, okay, well, now I just got to starve myself more. We're just going to have to exercise even more. It gives a false sense of control when everything else feels out of control.

I recognized that my mental health was struggling and I didn't want to continue to repeat these same patterns. I really wanted to get healthier and do better for my kids. They were very small still and I wanted to create the best life possible for them. And part of that was recognizing that I needed help. and that I needed to take care of myself in order to do that. So I went to the doctor and I discussed the depression and anxiety that I had been experiencing my entire life for the first time with a health professional and was put on an antidepressant. It is a life-changing, life-saving medication,

as far as I'm concerned. Thankfully, I was able to continue to take it throughout my pregnancy and with breastfeeding, and it really helped. The medication helps balance, a chemical imbalance that I have. It helps me with sleep and regulating my system. For me, it has been really, really helpful. I'm thankful that the doctor that I had believed me and took me serious and validated my feelings and concerns and gave me really good care. It's very much different for every person.

But it was an important piece, I think, in helping me regulate. The impact that the loss of Bobby had on my relationships was actually that it made me feel a lot closer to my mom and Everett as well as my in-laws. Michael's family. When you lose somebody, especially when it's somebody that is so central to your life and so important to you, it really helps you put a lot of petty shit to the side or ignore a lot of things. because you are grieving. The first year following Bobby's murder was really just survival. Getting through every first without him was so hard for everybody. The one year anniversary or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

We would go to the skate park with the kids because my brother loved the skate park and he was so good at skating. It's still hard, but those first few years, especially the first, the holiday first, it was so, so hard. But eventually, you know, things sort of go back to normal and you have to live in a new normal. You have to learn how to keep pushing. I had small children. It helped me because I was able to get right back into cute distractions. Despite the website doing better and stuff, I wasn't making a ton of money from it. Our expenses kept going up and Michael's hours at work would be very infrequent and we ended up not

being able to pay our rent anymore. Thankfully, our in-laws allowed us to go live with them for, it was about four to six months while we kind of got back on our feet. In the months leading up to this, we were really struggling. We had to apply for things like WIC or visit food closets, which is very humbling when you feel unable to feed yourself or your family. But what was strange is Liz would continue to be jealous of my success. If I got featured in something or I got a big job, something I was excited about,

it was like she couldn't be happy for me still, even though she would pretend to be. When we would be struggling and I would tell her about needing to visit the food closet or losing our house or things like that, it's like she would almost have this happy smirk. She seemed to take pleasure in my struggles and in my hardships. that's really hard when you feel that way, especially when it's your parent. There would be times too where there would be random tense moments where I would lose my patience with her as the years went by after Bobby passed away. She would continue this like rewriting of the past narrative to the most extreme.

After Bobby died, it was like there was no talk of anybody else's feelings even more so than before. I'll never forget this one time. We were doing some sort of family dinner and I said something regarding a feeling I had like, oh, I feel this. And Liz said something to me, said snarkily to me. Snarkily. Oh, that's fun. She said snarkily to me.

Okay, Tiffany, it's not all about you. And without any hesitation, it popped out of my mouth. I like whipped my head and I was like, pot kettle. She just started laughing. And everybody started laughing. And I started laughing because I was like, fuck, I can't let people know that I was totally serious. We pissed about that. But yeah, it was constant projection. I wanted so badly to have a loving mother and a good relationship, especially after losing Bobby. Before I was getting scraps,

now I was getting crumbs, but I was acting like I was getting seconds because I felt so sorry for her her and her loss. When we were staying with our in-laws temporarily, Liz had come over and she shared with me that She was no longer sober and she had taken something where she needed to go to the hospital. I was very understanding. I told her, this can happen. We still love you. We support you. It's very understandable given what you've gone through.

Losing Bobby and I'm proud of you for the amount of time you got leading up to this moment, etc. We tried to be really supportive. Of course, you're disappointed to hear that and it's hard to hear that. She was being up front with me about it, and I felt like that was a sign of maturity and growth. It wasn't a fight. Given the circumstances, I didn't blame her for being human. Can you speak to Tiffany and Liz's relationship at that point? Well, Liz is, she's not empathetic in that way, so it wasn't like she was there for Tiffany or anything.

It was, she's the most devastated by this. She needs everybody to have. help her. Also, I'm the type of person who, when I see somebody who is in pain and needs help, like, I'm going to respond to that. I'm going to try my best to respond to that to help to the best of my abilities. Tiffany, I don't know if she really got to grieve, fully grieve at the time, still had two little kids and trying to help her mom. I don't know how she did it. She's the strongest person I've ever met. There would just be strange incidents, though, that would happen. a lot of it was fueled in weird jealousy that she had of me as I continued to do better and grow and

evolve as a person. There was this weird incident at Ruby's first birthday party. Some of our friends were moving away, Jamie and Nick out of state, and this was going to be the last time I was seeing them for a while. I was crying and I was upset and I heard later from people at the party that my mom was talking shit about me, saying that, like, oh, of course Tiffany's making a dramatic scene because any feelings I had or any expression of emotion was seen as too much. And it's like, oh, how dare you have a feeling? How dare you think you're deserving of empathy was the vibe. I didn't hear about the shit-talking incident until the next day.

But when I heard about it, I confronted her and she denied it. She was like, that never happened. Your friend's a liar. Don't know what to tell you. The people who told me this information are not the type of people to make shit up or interject themselves into things that don't involve them. And I honestly could tell by her response and how defensive she was and how dismissive she was that it was probably true. And it was just really hurtful. There was a lot of very hurtful little incidents like that. This was the first time that I actually

tried to address something with her. And that was the response. My second to oldest brother, Tony, was getting married and the whole family was going. I didn't see Liz as often during these times, but we were all together at the wedding, and I noticed a difference in her behavior. There was promises made that she would never, ever drink in front of the kids or be intoxicated around the kids. That was the boundary that was set before the kids were even born. At the wedding, she got drunk, and my kids were there, and I was really upset.

I didn't confront anybody or I didn't like real housewives it or anything like that. We took the kids and we went home. I was really upset about that. I understand that it's difficult. I could tell when my parents were drinking without even seeing them drinking. I could tell by their tone of voice. By the way, their faces looked. There was one incident we were at Arco Arena, rest in peace, watching the Kings back in the day. My parents had been sober for a time and I could tell that they were drinking, but they were claiming to drink Odules, right? This non-alcoholic beer that they served. I was probably in like third, fourth grade at this time. I remember looking at both of them, looking them over and just being like, you're a foolish shit. and them laughing. And then I was like, let me taste it. If it's O'Dul's then, I'll have some then. And then laughing again and being like, oh, fuck you, Tiffany, you're too good. You got us. There's a lot of memories that I have about my parents sneaking things also behind my back. It just brings up a lot of feelings when I feel like people are hiding things for me.

It makes it even worse versus knowing what's going to happen or being able to prepare for it or cope ahead. I would let things go and so the relationship continued. We were having a Thanksgiving at my in-laws. Everybody was there. Kids were there. Our extended family. We were going around the Thanksgiving table and we were talking about what we're thankful for. And I understand that everybody's in different places when they're grieving. It comes in waves and it's different for everybody. But what I was trying to articulate in my sharing that day was how growing up our table was very small. There was only a handful of us. And now we have this giant family.

And I'm so thankful that we have these thanksgivings where Liz and Everett were there. My in-laws are there. My sister-in-law, her husband, my beautiful niece. My kids are there. Michael's there. There's obviously so much heartbreak. But this is a very beautiful thing. And this is also wonderful for my children to be able to have this.

I've always felt very connected to Bobby through Judaism. And it's something that he and I often spoke about, something that he and I were both very interested in, it was a connection that we had. There's a saying in Judaism, which is, may their memory be for a blessing. Essentially, it's the idea that despite grief and heartbreak and loss, the memories and the time that you have with that person is a gift. I was speaking about this, I thought everything was fine. Dinner wraps up. We get up, we're like clearing off the table or whatever. Liz gave me a dirty look, and I was like, what's going, what's wrong? And she was just like, I'm not going to talk to you about it. Obviously pissed. And I'm like, what? I was so shocked. I'm like,

what is going on? And she's like, you know, you never say anything nice about your childhood ever. She starts screaming at me. I honestly can't even remember all the details, but we went back and forth for a minute and I was so upset. Somebody was like, why don't you two go out to the porch? And so we're talking out there and she throws it in my face, the fact that I had set boundaries with Bobby that I didn't want to be around him when he was intoxicated. And so it was my fault that we weren't all together. last Thanksgiving before he died and a bunch of other hurtful things. I was so upset. I was sobbing and I started walking. We were in Citrus Heights and I walked. I don't know how many miles I walked, but I just sobbed, walked, no idea where I'm going, so hurt by the things she had said and just

baffled in that moment. Feeling so pissed and misunderstood. I remember trying to talk to Tony about it and he didn't get it and he always kind of treated me like how Liz treated me when I would be upset like I don't get it you're too sensitive you need to just get over it I would feel completely alone it really is a challenge mentally and made me really like question myself I believe that's why it's so triggering to me to this day when my feelings are denied or I feel like people are trying to discredit the trauma that I experienced I think Michael found me in the car and It was just really shitty and weird. I don't think we talked much really after that.

I honestly don't remember how things shook out. I probably just let it go. She probably acted like nothing happened and never apologized, and I probably rolled with that. The argument that she made after that, and Everett would always work on her behalf. What I had done wrong is that they felt I wasn't appreciative to my mom for the childhood she gave me,

and that I never said anything nice about my. childhood, which is not true. It may be true on this podcast, but it wasn't true. It was a way of trying to silence me and trying to get me to not tell the truth because the truth was extremely inconvenient to her. We ended up moving out of our in-laws house and getting our own place. Work was doing really well and things were getting a little bit better for us financially. Michael got a promotion at work and he was put on salary. So we were able to at least have somewhat of a budget that we could rely on, which was super helpful. The blog started picking up and doing better, and I think that only made Liz resent me more. In 2014, I would find out that I was surprised, pregnant with Ozzy.

This pregnancy was the most difficult. I was throwing up all day, every day. My whole pregnancy, I had to be put on medication to help reduce the vomiting. I actually ended up losing 15 pounds during the pregnancy. All I would eat, honestly, was ego waffles because they tasted pretty much the same coming up as they went going down. It was really difficult. I had two kids in preschool, potty training, and pregnant. We kind of had thought we were maybe over that phase of life, but we were really, really excited. We now finally had good health insurance. Thanks, Obama. The other hospital I had delivered out was the scary hospital that, like, if you have to go there in the middle of the night at the ER, you're like, do I just stay home and or do I actually go? So it was a completely

different experience. A friend was throwing a baby shower for me. Friends came and supported and it was beautiful. I was unsure about inviting Liz, but I opted for doing what I felt was the right thing and invited her. I opened the door when she arrived and she looked at my belly and instead of being like, oh, you look gorgeous. Like, you look beautiful. You're glowing. It was, oh, my God. That's what she said. She, like, looked at my belly and was like, oh, my God. Like, horrified.

Cool. So that was how it started. I sensed that she was intoxicated and very on edge. But I couldn't tell if she was medicated or intoxicated or in a houseful of people that are there to celebrate me, allegedly. So I'm, like, trying to put on a happy face and thank everybody. for being there and I was so appreciative that people were there to support and show love. I was focusing on that.

She had made snarky comments throughout the party. We were getting ready to sit down to open presents. And there was a good friend of mine, Kelly and her mom, who my kids called Mimi Elaine. She was one of those women who really offered her love to me and saw how I had been treated by my parents, Even though she didn't know everything about my experience, she knew enough. And she really was another aunt or mom figure in my life. She was just a wonderful person. I was sitting in a chair.

Liz was sitting on a couch. And then Kelly and Elaine, her mom, were nearby. And there may have been other people around. I don't remember. There was this giant present, a cute tote that was filled with stuff. I thought that it was from my friend Kelly because she's that friend that's so over-the-top generous. She would always bring these really, thoughtful, like, cute, personalized gift baskets. I saw it and I was like, oh my gosh, Kelly,

is this from you? And Liz goes, no, it's actually from me. But of course, you can't fucking believe that, right? Because I never do anything nice for you, right? You could never imagine that I would ever do anything nice for you, right? Because I'm just such a terrible person and like just starts going the fuck off. And I'm just sitting there like, frozen smile on my face. I said, are you seriously doing this right now? And then she brought up the Thanksgiving incident and starts popping off and I'm like, are you for real right now? Keep in mind, Ruby is here. My daughter. Okay. I don't know where she was in this exact moment, but there's also small children here. I start crying and Elaine being the most badass protective mom type being the angel that she was.

She stands up. She goes over and mind you, Elaine was a disabled woman who had been through so much in her life. And she physically, it took so much for her to just like show. up in B places. I appreciated that enough, but for her to do what she did for me, who, I can't tell you what it meant to have someone stand up for me. What I've come to know about myself is when people do stand up for me, it feels really good in validating because I didn't get that a lot growing up. So when people have in adulthood, it's like, holy fuck, somebody finally sees it. And it's so validating. I'm already crying at this point in shock. Like, because I just thought I was going to get to eat some fucking cake and open gifts and like, heaven forbid, have any fucking celebration

be about me in my life. Heaven fucking forbid. Elaine basically just read her for filth. I got up and went to the bathroom. Liz made a huge scene and stormed out. And I called Michael sobbing from the bathroom. And he was like, are you fucking kidding me? I was at work, probably.

And Tiffany was at the baby shower. And she just called me. crying and like what is going on. And her telling me that her mom, Tiffany's pretty sure she was showed up drunk to the baby shower. And if she didn't, she sure acted like she was drunk to the point where one of our friends' moms had to intervene, literally had to fucking intervene and step in and tell Liz she needed to leave because she's being so out of pocket being extremely mean and selfish. And I'm just like, what in the world? At some point, Everett called her, screamed at her. I don't know what Liz told him, but I'm sure it didn't involve the fact that she was being so rude and

just batshit to her daughter at her daughter's baby shower that somebody else had to intervene and tell her she needed to leave. He called and yelled at her. And that's when I had really had enough and called him back to which he didn't ever answer or bothered to return my phone call. Tiffany has this radar, especially for her mom or anybody in her family, if they were drinking and intoxicated in one way or another. Tiffany can see it immediately. At that point, we've gave Liz the benefit of the doubt that she was going to try to be like a normal, compassionate human being, I suppose, or not even compassionate, just can get along. And it was like, there's no more, there's no going back from that.

That was your chance and now it's gone. It was hanging by a string already. That was where it was the whole time. I didn't think that she had the capacity to accept the harm or damage or anything that she did to anybody else. This is your chance. This is your opportunity to have a relationship with grandkids and have that part of your life. But if you fuck it up, then it's not going to be there for you. We're not going to let you do to our kids what you did to your own children.

We don't want them to feel any part of that. As soon as that happened, I was just like, yeah, it's over. I came out and I apologized to the person who was throwing me a baby shower, but I was like, I have to go. I'm like one of those people when I start sobbing, like my entire face starts to look like that thing. They shot out of the sky earlier this year, like a giant balloon. They got the stuff in the car and I got Ruby. I thanked everybody. I got in the car to go home.

And I'll never forget Ruby, the cutest, the most cutest angel. She was in her car seat in the back and she had such a cute, raspy baby voice. She was like, just the most precious. And she said, Mama, why did Nana yell at you? Why did Nana talk to you like that? And in that moment, I knew. That's it. I'm done.

I'm never going to put my kids in that kind of situation and this kind of chaos ever again. This is now affecting my kids and you're acting the ways that you used to act towards me and my childhood around my kids. I'll be fucking damned if I'm going to allow that shit. That was it. That's all it took. That's all she fucking wrote. I can't even remember everything that she said at the baby. shower, but I was so done with her bullshit and her abuse and her gaslighting and her manipulation

and her narcissism and her lying. I remember calling Tony and he didn't have my back at all and pretty much acted like, I don't know what you want me to do about it. Everett ended up calling me and screaming at me and compared me to Bob, said a bunch of hurtful shit, which like, one, you've never even met Bob, two, you don't know everything about our family history, but you're going to pretend like you do. Okay, whatever he needed to do to like make Liz happy. So yeah, it was horrible. It was heartbreaking. To do that not only to your daughter, but in front of your granddaughter, while your daughter's pregnant, very sick pregnant, it was very clear. This relationship cost more than it paid. And there had been so many incidents in my life like this, birthdays that

she pretended to forget, birthdays where she threw a fit or, refused to come or acknowledge it only ever when it was my birthday. Or when I graduated college, there was a dinner afterwards and she spent that dinner getting wasted and telling everybody how sad she was that she never got to go to college and made it completely about her. Or like my wedding when she made that all about her. Or when I had my firstborn and she made that about her too and all the other fuckery before it. And that was the last time I would ever see her. This season on something was wrong. After being a part of BuzzFeed and having three videos that went viral, my following really grew.

The judgment was received in May of 2015. I started thinking about what I wanted to do next, trying to pull myself out of this really deep depression. I looked at her and I was like, I should make a podcast about that. I was like, I am calling because I'm looking for a Ruben who was a witness to an incident in 2012. Appeal from a judgment of the Superior Court of Classer County. Defendant Robert Chester Henning. Ooh, summary of facts. Thank you so much for listening.

Until next time, stay safe, friends. Something Was Wrong is a Broken Cycle Media production. Created and hosted by me, Tiffany Reed. If you'd like to support the show further, you can share episodes with your loved ones, leave a positive review, or follow Something Was Wrong on Instagram at Something Was Wrong podcast. Our theme song was composed by Gladrags. Check out their album, Wonder Under. Thank you so much.