Something Was Wrong - S5 Ep9: Let the Dead Bury the Dead | Rachel

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

*Content Warning: childhood abuse, cultic abuse, religious abuse, emotional abuse, physical violence, suicidal ideation, distressing themes. *Sources: (some of these links are Affiliate Links)Combating Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--and Break Free by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhDPsychopath Free Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People by Jackson MacKenzie Free and confidential resources: www.somethingwaswrong.com/resourcesMusic from Glad Rags album Wonder Under  IG: @GladRagsMusicSubmit your story on SomethingWasWrong.com/SubmissionsFollow Tiffany on Instagram @LookieBoo

Something was wrong covers mature topics that can be triggering. Topics such as emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Opinions of guests on the show are their own, and don't necessarily reflect my views or the views of this podcast. Please note, I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you or someone you love is being abused, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7-2. If you or someone you love is experiencing a suicidal crisis or emotional distress, please call 1-800-273-8255. For more resources, visit something was wrong.com slash resources. Thank you so much.

And I think part of the hard part was is that, you know, it did seem like, I believe my dad and he said he was so sorry of what he did and he knew it was wrong. And it took me a long while to realize that he could be so sorry, but yet because he wasn't doing what he needs to do to change his behavior, he could hate what he was doing, but still do it. And I realized, it came to the point where I realized that I wasn't safe being around him. It was no longer a matter of, did he care or did he love us or did he feel sorry? It was, regardless of whether he does or not, he's not a safe person to be around. And I think that's where the table starts turning in our brains of like we need to get out. You think you know me you don't know me at all. Thinking of me you don't know me well.

You think you know me you don't know me where. It doesn't matter the intention anymore. The impact is what matters. Yes. And the intention was so big. growing up. Like my mother never let us be angry with my dad. Like he would have just like screamed it. Like I remember one time like after we'd moved to that tiny fishing village and he got me a dog after years of me asking him to get a dog. And the problem was when the dog would like get on his

nerves, he would beat the dog and that dog was my baby. And I felt such shame and horror because I always felt like I would never let the people I love. And my children go through that. But I felt like my dog, which was kind of my child, even though I was only 11. And I remember just being so, it's, well, it's so horrific and traumatic. And I remember just being so angry and bawling to my mother who, you know, my mother went and screamed at him, was like, you can't do that. And I was baw-wah. And I was bawling. I was just that I'm so angry. I hate him. She's like, no, you don't get to say that. You have to forgive him. And she would like stay with you and bug you until you said the words, God, I forgive my dad, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was like, that's how you change him.

You don't, you know, you can't get mad at him. You can't call him names. You just have to pray that God changes him. And God will change him. Well, God never fucking did. So I don't know what to say to that. That became the thing of like, you will yell and scream at him, but you will never actually do what you need to to protect us. And that was the hard part, you know. And I, I think part of my autistic brain noticed patterns very strongly growing up very quickly. And so people would always, they would say that I had the spirit of prophecy growing up. Like I was, or I had this, sorry not the spirit, the spiritual gift of prophecy. But I think a lot of that was I saw the patterns and people. And so because I saw patterns, I could predict what they were going to do.

And it took me a very long time to understand it because I was like, I don't understand how to interact with people, but I always can suss out someone's true intentions. You know, like I always knew when someone was danger. And, you know, part of that is the environment I grew up with, but I think part of that was also the, I can see that your actions, you know, your action right now reminds me of my dad when he's acting like this, and that means you're dangerous to me, even though everyone else is telling me that you're not. My best friend when I was there, she was one of the few, people that I was able to make friends with that was completely outside of our circle. And she stood up for me when friends were, when other people were making fun of me for whatever.

And I had just turned 12. I was waiting for her to come pick me up so we could go to our youth group together because we always walked down to it. And she didn't come. And my parents walked into the room and they said, Shannon's dead. And I said, what? and they said Shannon's dead. And I just remember, like, there was none of the hysterics or whatever. I was just so, like, shocked. I just said, how, like, what happened? And they said, basically, that her mom had found her in her bed

and that I think that she committed suicide. And it was presented as a suicide in the papers, but it came out later that the drugs she was taking, she'd actually choked on them and died. But it was announced that she had committed suicide. Even at that young age, you know, and instantly it was, you got so comfortable with her and you liked her so much that you didn't want to push her away. And so you never told her about Jesus. And now she's committed suicide.

She's gone to hell and it's your fault. Like, I lost myself, like, as much as a 12-year-old can have found themselves before that. But I sunk into, like, the worst depression of my life. I became suicidal. I was hurting myself. Like my sister Hannah will tell me like around that time she did not want to leave me alone in her room because she didn't know what I was going to do to myself. And my parents were just so put out with the fact that I just couldn't get over it.

I remember at one point like I'd gone out to dinner with my dad and I was opening up to him and being like really honest about how hard it had been and how much I missed her. And he goes, well, you guys weren't really that close. and I remember just being shocked because, yeah, we weren't actually that close as close as normal friends are, but to me, someone who never had a friend, that was the closest friend I'd ever had. He basically was like, yeah, like, you guys weren't that close. I don't understand why it's such a big deal. And that was the point where I stopped talking to my dad. Like, me and my dad were, like, best friends. Aside from whatever else had happened, like, me and him were best friends growing up to the point where I think, I became the companion that my mother was supposed to have been, like in a normal marriage.

I think he put so much, I don't even, I don't want to use the word emotional incest, but it had a tinge of that, where it was like I became for him what his wife should have been emotionally for him. And when I basically was out of commission after my friend died, he was just so peeved. that I wasn't on board anymore and I wasn't like what I used to be. And I remember one time, I mean, I was so angry. I was like angry at God. I was angry at everything.

I didn't know what I believed. And he had gathered all the family and wanted us all to pray together. And I was so angry and I was like, I'm not going to pray. No, I was like, I don't want to talk to him. And he lashed out. He was like, your attitude is so awful. You don't care about these people who are going to hell. You don't care about anyone else, but you're so.

And like, these people are dying every day and you don't care. You were the most selfish, like, ugly person I've ever met. And, like, basically saying, like, I was the worst creature on the face of the earth. And then grounded me and sent me to my room. And I was stuck there for the rest of the night with no dinner because I wouldn't pray. Right after your friend had... Yeah. How old was your friend?

She, I had just turned 12 and her birthday was a couple days later. I'm so sorry. Yeah. It was listed as the youngest suicide to ever happen in Scotland. And it's not, it wasn't a suicide, but, you know, that's what they listed it as. So later they determined that she was actually just trying to take a, it was an accidental overdose. So what happened was she took a pill and the pill got stuck in her throat and she suffocated. But the papers ran before, like, the official report came out that, you know, she had committed suicide.

And then that was like there, I think her family actually took the actually like started taking legal action to stop people like saying that it was a suicide. Like they started like suing papers and stuff because it wasn't. That's not what happened. But I, yeah, I've never felt like such loss in my life. And then such like people were frustrated that I wouldn't just like hurry up and get better. And I never did. Like I became a completely different person after. that and my father was pissed that I wasn't available for him anymore, it felt like.

And around that time, I think because my father had latched onto me so hard, my mother noticed that. And so my mother started, like, attacking me for everything. You know, I think I became, like, the epitome of my father to her. And I think she also was very jealous and very threatened by our relationship. She would always talk about me trying to steal her. authority or trying to steal her place. Like I think at some point, like, I was sitting at the other head of the table for some reason, like, not even thinking about it. And she, like, flipped out because

I was trying to take the place as the mother. And, like, people, like, I developed early. You know, I was 13, but I probably looked more like an 18-year-old. But people would mistake me for my father's wife all the time. And they would mistake me for, like, the mother of my baby brother. And that pissed my mom off to no end. And I think she, She legitimately, like, saw me as a threat. And so not only was I dealing with all of this other stuff and all the other abuse and whatnot, my mother was now coming for me constantly. And her and my dad were fighting. So it felt like my dad latched on to me even more.

So then when my friend died, like, my dad treated it as, like, a personal betrayal to him. Like, the fact that I couldn't be there for him like I was or that I wasn't interested in church anymore, like he was. Like, it was a betrayal to him. That's so abusive. and the fact that he said, you guys weren't even that close. It's almost like a jealous statement or just a brushing away of your feelings. Like the amount of fucked up that is, I don't even know how to compute. It was insanity.

Some of it felt right calculated. And I think some of it was him speaking out of his own, like, hurt of like, I don't have this person anymore. I'm like, I'm your child. I'm supposed to be able to depend on you, but you're mad because you can't depend on me anymore. Yeah, it's that parentification that making children into adults. And also I've heard, I don't know if you're familiar with the term surrogate spouse. Yes. I think it typically can happen with like when a spouse passes away and their oldest child becomes more like a spouse slash peer. But it sounds like because your parents' marriage was so divided at times and your dad became so emotionally attached to you versus her, it created this whole of. level of unnecessary pressure and responsibility and shame put on you that you had no control over. Yeah. Well, and then it became a thing that my parents fought over because my mom would be so cold

and lash out at me all the time because I think she felt so threatened by what was going on. And of course, my dad would see that and be like, why are you attacking her and would lash out at her? And again, this is when this is when stuff with Rebecca got really bad. because me and Rebecca were clashing like crazy. And my mother, I think, being so put out by my father and my relationship, saw mine and Rebecca's relationship as a microcosm of that. And so to me, Rebecca denies this now. And I was so wrapped up at the time.

Lord knows if it's true or not. But to me, it felt like Rebecca had seen how protective mom was of her and would get me in trouble whenever she could, which, you know, she was like four. or five so she probably was nowhere near as maniacal as I thought she was. But at the time, it really felt like that. And so it felt like another person against you. Yes. And I think really in reality, our parents were petting us against each other in their fight against each other. And everything, anything that I did, my mother would attack and I felt like I couldn't breathe,

you know? And I'm like just like starting to develop. I've just got my period. My friends just died. Like, that's a hard time to go through aside from anything else. Like, when you're changing, you're going through puberty. Absolutely. It just felt like everything was against me. And I've always had very bad dreams my entire life. But like I began having like incredibly horrific dreams that I still remember to this day. And I became very withdrawn. I think for like six months I didn't go outside the house. I wouldn't talk to anyone else. Like they began to like, they would refer to me as like the stone princess or like the ice princess because I, I just had, it became so much that I shut down everything and nothing bothered me anymore.

But I didn't enjoy anything anymore either. It became, like, I didn't even realize how much I'd shut off until like I turned it back on. And then it was like, oh, holy crap, I literally have just not felt anything for years. And that's how I got through this? Because like, when I would think about it, I was like, how did I survive all of this stuff? I'm like, oh, yeah, I just pretended it wasn't happening. Like I used to have this exercise where I would basically I would like talk myself through like I would visualize myself as a stone. But basically like stones don't cry.

Stones don't feel anything. Like stones don't feel cold. Stones don't feel pain. And so I could basically like mind control my way out of feeling bad about something. Wow. So when we lived in the tiny little fishing village, our church has shut down. And for a while we didn't go to church at all. It was very, I think, traumatic for both of my parents.

But also my dad was just, like, obsessed with the church in Hawaii. And my mom was still obsessed with the kind of culty megachurch that they were a part of from England. And after a while, I think they felt like, well, we have to go to church at some point because our kids are going to get the wrong idea. So we started trying all these little churches around the area. And it kind of became this game that me and my dad did after each time. like, okay, like, you know, did you like the church? Or like, no, I didn't. And then we talk about it. And my mom would get really angry. She was like, you guys are criticizing all these different churches and whatnot. And that became like a big sticking point with them. But I remember we were at this one church that I actually really liked. And it was in a town called Dornauk, or Dornoch, if you want to get technical with the pronunciation.

And I really liked the people there. And they were on the smaller side. And they're, you know, youth group would kind of do like the Sunday school thing where you were there for worship and then you left afterwards before the sermon started. And after a couple weeks of being there, my parents said, well, they switch out youth leaders. So it was like, I think there were like three people they switched with and each person would do it like one Sunday. And our father was like, well, we found out that one of them is divorced. And we don't believe he should be in any type of leadership in the church because he is divorced. So you're not allowed to go to Sunday school when that's happening.

You know, we need to make a statement. And I really liked the guy that they were talking about. And I felt awful. But every single time that he was leading it, it was like we'd all, all the kids would get up like usual. And our family would just have to sit there, you know, so that he would know that we didn't approve. And we came to found out, I think we were there for like six months. And then we stopped going. Found out afterwards, my parents got it wrong.

That guy wasn't even the one that got divorced. It was one of the church elders that they were sitting there and that they were friends with, which now looking back, I'm like, why did it even matter that he was divorced? But I don't know. It just made me feel so sad because I was like, we made that guy feel like shit for nothing, you know, even if you did follow along with what my parents believed. Well, and they were mad that the church wasn't treating them like that. They were mad that the church wasn't making an example of them. So they were going to make an example. It paints a really good picture of how.

against divorce your parents were. Oh my God. So much. They would brag about it all the time. Like, even at the mega church in Hawaii, there had a couple, like,

lead pastors and one of them had been divorced two times. And my dad said, I am never ever, like I respect the guy. He says good things, but I will never ever go to him for advice. And I've never listened to him for advice

because he's been divorced so many times so he doesn't actually know anything. And part of me was like, well, maybe he does know, like, what went wrong and how to fix it because he's like, married for the third time and it seems to be going pretty well this time, you know, but nope.

Like my father did not have a concept of like the value of making mistakes and learning from them and the wisdom you can grow from that. It was like, no, you should, you should have known enough to never have made those mistakes in the first place. And if you did make those mistakes, then you automatically, like, there's something wrong with you forever and you're not worth like interacting with like that. That became our life. We would shop around to other churches. We'd never really stay. And like sometimes we would go back a couple times and we'd kind of make friends. And nope, there was always a reason why something was wrong with it or, you know, why it was sinful or why they were, you know, something was wrong.

And my mother, of course, was also mad because she just wanted to go back to the church we were a part of and didn't want anything new. And all my father wanted was to go to Hawaii. Like, that's all that mattered. And then my parents decided that we were going to move. but they always had this concept of no one can ever know our plans because we could be in danger or they could do something if they knew. And I don't understand why they thought that or why they told us that, but we were planning, before we've moved to the fishing village from Kiniu Kyi, for a year we were planning to move up there and we weren't allowed to tell anyone, people that we had known for years until we literally like a couple weeks before we left. And this happened multiple times. happened before we went to Hawaii.

There was always this sense of we have to protect each other because people are after us. Growing up, they would always talk about how they would tell people, we're moving to the highlands of Scotland to save souls and plant a church and everyone be like, oh, you, like there's nothing there. The people are so hard to deal with. They were like, you know what? It was the Christians that we had a hard type dealing with. They hated us and non-Christians loved us.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so there was always this idea that the other churches didn't like us and wanted us gone. And so we had to be very careful about giving them any type of foothold to like get rid of us. My parents were very much obsessed with the idea of dead churches, dead religious churches, like the Pharisees, and then churches that were alive and full of the Holy Spirit, which is a very, I think, evangelical charismatic thing to say. But they were like anyone that they didn't like, something was dead and religious. So they said that these, you know, it was this idea of like, they're not actively working against us, but the devil, you know, has like made them less effective for God. And so, you know, they don't like us because we're doing what's right. That was a big thing. Like if you had enemies, it meant you were on the right path. Like if you were being persecuted, it meant that you were really following Jesus or really making a change. It really helps hide any worry you could have about the criticism. You know, any criticism whatsoever is persecution or, you know, the devil's fighting against us. And if you were, like, having issues or like people are like, I don't like the way you're acting or you were running into stuff that made life hard, it was also a good sign.

Because the devil wouldn't be trying to thwart you if you weren't doing something right. It meant that you were like, you know, about to have a really big breakthrough for the kingdom of God. And so if things were going awful in our family and we were fighting all the time and I was depressed, it was like, well, the devil's just attacking our kids and putting them. through a lot because we're doing God's work. So we just need to stay the course. Wow. And so nothing you said or did could ever make them think that you needed help. You just need to be come closer to God so the devil couldn't get a hold of you so well. And again, it kind of puts that responsibility almost back onto the people that are having the issues, you know. They use the term like the world a lot because I know in Christian school, they use the devil in the world. So growing up like not only was

the devil out to get you. They were like three, they, they were like three, they. They were like three, There were three levels. There were God's thoughts. There were worldly thoughts. And then there was like devil thoughts, which just means like the devil was actively trying to get you to like screw up or actively trying to hurt you. And the worldly thoughts weren't necessarily like maliciously pointed at you, but they were just as dangerous.

And only God's thoughts were good for you. So this meant that even when we weren't overtly doing something wrong, even when we weren't overtly like messing up, if they didn't like something we were doing, they're like, well, you know, God's plan is the best plan. There's stuff out there that's okay, but it's not the best plan. You know, you can't be distracted by the world. So it meant like on every single level, even if you weren't, you know, like smashing windows, they could, you know, control your behavior and control what was right, which made it impossible to trust yourself or to trust your desires, you know, if I wanted something that meant it was bad. Like if I actually like desired something, there was something wrong with it because if it was if it was good, then the devil would be trying to stop me trying to do it. He wouldn't be making me want to do it. And that always kind of propped up. So, you know, ironically, when I wanted to do Christian things or church

things, that was, you know, me growing closer to God or having more of a heart for God. But when I wanted to do anything else, it was the devil. So it's very, very controlling, like tone policing, like, everything. And a lot of times, like, they, they love to find a religious reason for why they didn't like something that you did. So if they couldn't find like an actual like moral reason or if something bothered them emotionally, like, you know, they felt insecure because of this or they felt sad or abandoned or rejected, but they couldn't actually face their own issues with it or admit their own emotional feelings towards it. There would be a religious issue why that certain thing you were doing was bad and not of God,

which just added so many layers of like you look to them. them for everything. Everything. Like you had no concept of reality outside of them because they controlled that for you. And especially for you and your siblings, like in those children that grow up in those environments. Like if that's all you know and everything that you've been taught, how can you know any different?

Especially like you were homeschooled, right? Most of your life or all your life. All my life. All my life. Yep. So then you're and you're only being. exposed to, you know, certain groups of people. So it's like, how could you develop outside narratives, you know, when the world is. Right. If you began to question or have doubts,

that was because the devil was getting like into your head and those doubts weren't even worth having. So they didn't even like say, okay, yeah, you have questions about this. Let's look at this logically. Let's, you know, let's figure out what about it. You know, you don't like. It was just like, if you were truly Christian, you wouldn't even be questioning that. Like, you need to have more face. Yeah, I remember all the time people saying it when I was in Christian school, like when I would try to open up and talk about my parents drinking or something like that, they would just be like, well, the reason that this is happening in your family is basically because like your parents aren't Christians and like that's why they're bad people, not because what they're doing is abusive

or wrong. It's just like you need to witness to them and then it'll be fixed, you know? Yep. Yeah. Or if, you know, we were hanging out of a friend's house where we had a party and I got to a fight with someone. It was, you know, not how dare you embarrass me by acting like a bad kid. How dare you damage our witness as Christians? You know, like we hear we can help these people. These people are going to hell. And, you know, we were witnessing to them. But then, you know, you showed them what a bad kid you were, which means they're going to think that God's not real and it's your fault. Wow. So I was constantly doing like mental gymnastics as a kid just trying to not hate myself. How could you not? Like, yeah. Well, and a lot of it, I,

I would go through times where I would dive so heavily into the religiosity and the church, trying to just be like, okay, I know I'm an absolute shitty person, but let me just do my best to like be obedient and hopefully that will like make up for it. You know, or like at least, you know, I know I'm a horrible person. At least if I can show I'm trying, I won't be like rejected. Yep. So all of that mentality is already there. And then my friend dies while we're living in that tiny village.

And I mean, we were isolated. After, you know, that year of like trying out new places and new churches, like, they were just like, no, we're done. And my dad was very much, like, there's no point of going to any other church. Like, we just want to go to Hawaii. And I think my mom got to the point where my dad said, like, well, we just had to, like, I just had to pray and give her time to, like, come around and allow God to speak to her. And my mother is very much, like, that person. of if God's not telling me to do it, I don't get like a fucking damn like what you say or do.

And so I don't know how my mother became convinced if she just became worn down or was just sick and tired of living in that tiny village and feeling like, well, maybe if we go to Hawaii, then he'll get what he wants and we can get out of here because we were so desperately unhappy there. And it was super hard because for a while my mom was very much like, nope, we're staying here. Like we can do it here. We've been called Scotland. We're supposed to stay in Scotland.

And so I would see my dad be like, my dad was so depressed during this time. And I would see him talk to someone or have like a burst of energy and be like inspired. And I'd be like, oh my gosh. I like, I haven't seen him act like this. And my mother would just shut him down with like the most cruel and cold way like you could think of. And I would just see him deflate. And then he would lash out and attack her. So it was just this absolute mind fuck.

And we didn't have any friends around us. Like we were barely allowed to go play with kids. especially after Shannon died, like they really clapped down or clamped down after that. Did they have a funeral service for her or anything? Were you allowed to do any of that? Apparently, I was told when the funeral was happening after it happened. And another weird thing that my father has is he doesn't believe in cemeteries. He uses his verse in the Bible where it says, like, let the dead bury the dead.

You need to leave everything and come with me. And so he doesn't believe in tombstones or cemeteries or a way to remember someone that has done. because they're dead. That's stupid. You know, you need to move on with the living. So he knew the funeral was happening. Didn't tell me. I found out afterwards. And then he wouldn't let me go to the cemetery and see her grave. And so I would actually like sneak out of the house. Like when he was away at work, like I would like, hey, I'm going for a walk. Like I finished school. And I would go to the little cemetery. And it was actually close to our house. And I would literally just like sit by her grave. And I never got to say goodbye. You know, it happened so quickly. And the funeral

happened really quickly. By the time I even thought to ask about the funeral, he was like, oh, it's already done. And I just, it just, it felt so unreal. Like, there was zero closure. One minute I was waiting for her to come pick me up and take me down to youth group with her, and the next minute she was gone. And I had, I didn't even see the family. Like, I had zero contact with anyone after that. And I wanted to. It was just like, it literally felt like one day woke up and they were just all gone. And it was so surreal. And I remember looking through, I used to love to draw when I was little or when I was around the age. And Shannon always liked my pictures. And I had drawn a really cool one. I was like, oh, man, I need to tell her. Like, I need to show her.

And I had this like subtle jolt of like, oh, God, she's dead. She's not coming back. And just like, grief overtaking me, but not knowing. Like, I've never, I was never taught to process emotions. I was never even taught to how to have emotions that weren't completely positive. And so I became this like a watermelon that you've been wrapping rubber bands around. You know, I've seen those videos where it's like they just keep adding bands. And it's like something that you see is as very solid. But then there's so much pressure you're just waiting for it to explode. Yeah.

That's kind of what it felt like. So like I would feel so sad. But I couldn't cry. and I would just feel this, like, tightness in me that, like, I felt like I couldn't grieve. They were furious when they found I was doing that. And, like, even, like, the two times I've been home since then, I've desperately wanted to go back and, like, put flowers on her grave because I didn't get to, like, once we left for Hawaii, and even after we came back, like, I never got to go back to see her. Because, you know, I didn't have any way to get there. I couldn't drive.

My father was the only one who had a car, and he wasn't going to take me. And even when we went back for my sister's wedding, we were reliant on my parents' car. And I had even tried to be like, you know, to say like, hey, let's go to Dornach and like I want to go to Ballantor and see these things and like casually mentioned it. And my dad's like, well, we don't have time or blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, never mind then. There's just always this feeling of like I just wanted to go back and put flowers on her grave and like let her know that I haven't forgotten. about her and like she was still like a really she was a really good friend to me when I didn't have anything else and and I'm in a point where I don't know if I believe in God or an afterlife

but if she can hear me I want her to know I didn't forget about her and that she was the only good thing I had in my life during that time um she knows I had to like um before stuff went down with my parents I was talking to my mom about her and I said you know I don't know if I don't I can't find any pictures. Like I can find out of these articles online, but I can't find pictures, and I don't remember what she looks like. And my mom was able to find, like, pictures of her, like, either from the back or from the side of when we were in, like, an orchestra together.

We both went to the same violin teacher for a while. But I still can't even see her face in those, but I can, like, at least see her profile. So I was glad to get those before all that stuff went down. So that was rough. And it felt like, again, that just adds to that idea of your grief is very inconvenient for us. And we feel like you, you know, even going and like being by the grave of the friend is going to make you more sad or remind you of her. And we can't have that. You know, we've got to move.

We've got stuff to do. No, it seems like no emotion was allowed. No anger, no frustration, nothing. And like we'd obviously get angry and get frustrated. How could you like in the environment that we were living in? How could you not? And even my father would and my mother would. But then it would always be like for some reason she would be the one to gather herself together and be like, nope, you all need to apologize.

You've all let the spirit in, blah, blah, blah. It was this thing of like if you did have a negative emotion, it meant that you had like submitted to the devil and given into that like emotion by allowing yourself to express it. And I felt like it was such a dark place for me. and I was so angry. I, you know, turned from hating myself to hating God and telling him that I hate you and blah, blah, blah. And so then I'm like, began to, you know, feel like I was going to hell because I had told God I hated him and technically blasphained him.

And I was sinking into this massive depression and I couldn't get out of it. And I had been, like, depressed during my life, but I had always kind of bounced back and I could not bounce back. And when you grew up in a family that tells you if you were having, like, mental health issues, it's because, like, you got sin in your life. and I told God that I hated him. And even when I tried to apologize, it wouldn't get better. And I began to just feel more and more damned.

They would talk about in the Bible where it's like if you have an issue with someone, you take it to them. And then if they don't fix it, you take it to the church. And then if they don't fix it, like the verbiage is like you just give them over to the devil. And I felt like I had messed up so bad by being angry that my friend died, that I had been given over to the devil. and that I no longer had a place and no longer was protected. And, you know, that idea of, like, there are demons and devils that can come into your house. And they can't hurt you as long as you're protected, but I was no longer protected. And, like, I began to be, I went from not being scared in the dark for ages to being back like I was a child again.

Like, I was 13, but I felt like I was that young child. Like, I couldn't be in the dark. Like, it got to the point where I was so terrified in my room. I actually had to switch and sleep in a different room in the house because I was so convinced that, like, they were demons stalking me. I remember one time I was lying with the light on, I had my eyes shut. And you know when like your eyes shut and you see like a shadow move past your eyelids? I'm sure it was a fly or a moth or something in my room, but I had that sensation of, like, something like whipping past me. And it was like I was like, I was right back in that little room where I was scared to open my eyes before I turned on the lights because I was scared.

I was going to see the demons, you know, flying into the cupboard or like under the bed. like paralyzed. And of course, just so much more disappointment and inconvenience to my parents because I was falling apart and was acting like a child again. You mentioned before you kind of stuck to yourself during that time and just sort of isolated more. Did they act just like annoyed?

Like, come on, get over it? The first couple days I would just like break down, like, you know, feeling sad or crying and my mom would hold me. And it was when I began to continue being sad. And then when I got angry and then when I angry at God, it was just like, oh, come on. So you shared that with them. You know, I trusted them. Or maybe they could tell.

We were trained to tell them everything. Like I spoke with my dad about everything, everything. Even the guys that liked, even what I thought about sex. Like, as I was discovering like more about what that was or, you know, that concept of like, saving yourself for marriage. We talked about everything until my father looked at me at that table and said, well, you guys weren't that close. Literally, like, I physically felt like the gates come down, like the shutters close. And it was just like, okay, well, we're done. And I'm never telling you anything I care about again. My mother, I think I was still more open with because she

would, she was a crazy person and she could be very cold at times, but she was also very loving at other times. And you do, I think, no matter what, want some sort of parental comfort. And she was able to give me that every now and then, or at least listen to me. You know, it was the thing of like, they tried very hard, but then got bored or not bored, but frustrated when it didn't work, you know, couldn't snap out of it when I couldn't stop being sad. And then it was like, well, you know, Like my mother once, I think I was very open with my mom until a similar thing happened. She said, well, you don't really miss her. You just miss the way she makes you feel, right?

Like it wasn't necessarily like her as a person that you miss. It's just her friendship. And I remember being like, no. It wasn't that, you know, you were so close with her. It was just that you basically didn't have any friends before this. That's basically what it was. And it felt super insulting. and not just to me but to her.

Like, well, no, she was a person and I really liked her. And we were friends and it wasn't just because I'd never had friends before. That's not the reason I'm sad. I'm not sad because I don't have that feeling anymore. I'm sad because she's gone and she doesn't get to live and we don't get to grow up together. And it was just, again, the way I think about it now. And I'm like, that was a, that's a very selfish way to look at losing someone to say, like, I'm not sad that you're gone and you're you're out of life, I'm sad that I won't get the feelings that you gave me anymore. I'm like,

is that how do you think about friendship? Yeah. When you say your mom was crazy, what do you mean by that? It was it, her behavior was a manic or? My mother could be very erratic. The older I got the more, I began to interpret her behavior differently. So growing up, she would always have decisions of what she would call it spiritual warfare, where basically she would just lock herself in her bedroom and play worship music and stomp around and pray and yell and clap our hands or whatnot. And when we were growing up, it was like, okay, she'd be there for a couple hours. And then stuff began to get worse, she would do it more and more to the point where like, when we were in Chinook and I was going to this stuff, that was like all she would do.

And like, we would have to cook dinner because mother wasn't cooking dinner or mom wasn't getting out of bed. And so she became more and more like erratic. But it was always through the lens of. of like, well, I need to be spend time with God or I need to, you know, have this worship obsession or I need to pray so that the devil can't hurt us. But it was like, we were basically left to ourselves for hours. Like our dad was at work and she was just locked in her room, screaming in tongues,

praying in tongues, you know, yelling and stomping. And we were just left to figure it out. And she also, you know, got pregnant with my little brother when we were in Chinook. And that resulted in a lot more of that. And then after my brother was born, she was like 42, I think, when she had him. And she had hurt her back during the pregnancy. And then when she gave birth, she actually, like, ripped some of her stomach muscles. So she was bedridden for a couple months.

So I basically raised my brother. Like, for the first couple months, like, you know, she would feed him and stuff. But I was the one bathing him. I was the one changing him. Like, he had a ton of colic when he was little. And I would spend hours sitting on the couch. And we had, like, baby Mozart or baby Einstein. It was like this thing of like, play like classical music to your kids and they'll be smart.

And we weren't allowed to watch TV, but we were allowed to have that on for him. And of course, we just wanted TV so bad. We were just like, oh, well, baby Einstein it is. So you never had TV? We had TV, but we didn't have like actual like channels. So it was like we'd watch Veggie Tales on VHS tape or we'd watch documentaries on VHS tape. So we never actually watched TV TV. They would make a point to disable that.

So we'd never watched TV. We only watched what they allowed us to watch, which was usually Christian, or it was like a nature documentary, which I'd love to watch, but it would be spent trying to drown out my dad who was busy screaming about evolution at the same time because he just couldn't keep his mouth shut.

You're only 27 years old, and you didn't even have access to cable television. You're homeschooled. Yeah. You're in a very controlled environment. It's isolation. Well, and so, like, let me paint you this full picture. So we're like in this tiny little fishing village.

We don't have any friends. We don't have any Christians around us that, you know, we'd be allowed to hang out with. I've barely gone outside since my friend died because I'm so depressed. My brother's just being born. My mom can't take care of him. So I'm taking care of him. And you're just like, oh, the weather, I remember, the weather was always so dark. It was always raining.

Our house was cold because we'd never turn on the heating. We used to go out and play in the forest. And now I was too scared and depressed too. And so it was like, and on top of that, you've got all the spiritual abuse going on. The physical abuse really ramped up around this time. And my mother got more physically abusive with us while also being incredibly disconnected. Everything compounded. Next time.

As time went on and the more we interacted with other people and the more angry he got, if we embarrassed him in front of other people, it was like, oh, we're some things to you, not some ones. Something Was Wrong is produced and hosted by me, Tiffany Reese. Music on this episode from Gladrags. Check out their album, Wonder Under. If you'd like to help support the growth of Something Was Wrong, you can help by leaving a positive review, sharing the podcast with your family, friends, and followers, and support at patreon.com slash something was wrong.

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