Something You Should Know - 5 Ways Your Phone Screws Up Your Life & What to Do When Your Whole World Falls Apart

Episode Date: March 29, 2018

If you have a big decision to make, wait until you have to go to the bathroom. I begin this episode by explaining why a full bladder helps make better decisions. (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/02/110228163141.htm) Do you control your phone or does your phone control you? It seems we can’t live without a cellphone for more than a few minutes. But what if you actually tried? What if it actually made things better? Catherine Price has taken a critical look at our relationship to smartphones in her book, How to Break Up With your Phone (https://amzn.to/2IbpViD). For more information go to www.PhoneBreakUp.com And for a free copy of Catherine’s audio book version, go to www.Audible.com/something and start a free trial with Audible and you get one free book to download and keep even if you cancel your subscription.  Did you know that Cheerios were once considered an unapproved drug by the FDA? And do you know how many varieties of Cheerios there are? (Hint: More than 12) Those are just a few of the many fascinating things I discuss about this iconic breakfast cereal. (http://www.thedailymeal.com/eat/5-things-you-didn-t-know-about-cheerios)  So what do you do when your whole life fall apart? Of course you hope it never happens but life has a way of dishing up some pretty tough times to all of us at some point. Daphne Rose Kingma, author of the book, The 10 Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart (https://amzn.to/2IcSYma) reveals the secrets of getting through those horrible times so that life gets good once again.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today on Something You Should Know, to make a really good, solid, efficient decision, you just might want to wait until your bladder is full. I'll explain why. Then, if your cell phone is controlling your life, maybe it's time you two broke up. Just to clarify, the point of breaking up with your phone is not to throw your phone out. It's to go from this obsessive relationship where you sleep with your phone, you can't be without it for more than five minutes without craving your phone, to go to be friends with your phone out. It's to go from the successive relationship where you sleep with your phone, you can't be without it for more than five minutes without craving your phone, to go to be friends with your phone. Then, did you know that Cheerios were once considered an unapproved drug? And since it's likely to happen to everyone at some point, what do you do when

your world falls apart? The very first one is you cry your heart out. Most people, when terrible things happen, instead of feeling that they need to grieve over it, just want to take control, wish it didn't happen. And we live in a culture that has really deprived us of our tears. All this today on Something You Should Know. As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on

Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu. She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Something You should know.

Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Did you know that hamsters are nocturnal? I just discovered this because, well, you see, my son got this great report card, all A's and one B plus. So I said he could have a reward for that, and he's wanted a hamster for a long time. So we now have two hamsters. We got, we got We went to the pet store and got pocket hamsters.

And the lady at the pet store said, you know, they are nocturnal. Well, they're not only are they up at night, nocturnally speaking, they're in that darn wheel all night long. I wish we could hook up a generator to that wheel. We'd never have to pay an electric bill again. But anyway, their names are Rogie and Taylor, and they are the latest members of the family. And if I sound a little tired, it's because I'm listening to hamsters at night.

I think maybe I'll post some pictures on Facebook. They really are cute. I mean, they really are adorable little hamsters that are up all night. Anyway, first up, how to make decisions better? Well, this will surprise you, I think. If you would like your next decision to be a better one, hold it. Research shows that people make better decisions when they have a full bladder. That's because when the mind is struggling to restrain a bodily function, it's easier for us to exert self-control in other areas. The authors of this study explain that when we are preoccupied

with thoughts of finding the closest bathroom, our ego is in check and we're much less likely to overthink things or give in to unrelated impulses. Consequently, the decisions that we make are simple and efficient and more likely to be right on the mark. So the next time you have to make a decision, drink a lot of water and hold it

and then make your decision. And that is something you should know. drink a lot of water, and hold it, and then make your decision. And that is something you should know. If you were to transport someone from, say, 25, 30 years ago to today, I'll bet you the first thing that they would say that they notice is different about today than it was back then is how everybody is staring at their phone all the time. We spend so much time on our phones, and when we're not on our phones, we spend a lot of time feeling anxious that we're not on our phones.

All this time on the phone and the anxiety that it causes must be having an impact on us. And indeed it is, according to Katherine Price, who has taken a critical look at how smartphones are impacting our lives. Katherine is the author of a new book called How to Break Up with Your Phone, and she's my guest. Hi, Katherine, welcome. Thank you very much for having me.

So here's my take on this. I think people know that there's a problem, that they spend too much time on their phone, that they're, you know, walking into phone poles because they're looking down at their phone, but they can't let it go because they're just afraid of what they're going to miss. Yeah, I think that we sort of know there's a problem, but I would actually argue that for many of us, we haven't really thought about the problem very hard. We have more of a nagging feeling that something doesn't feel quite right or that we don't feel very good when we put the phone down or we feel anxious when we don't have access to it. But we haven't actually really thought about the impact it's having on our lives.

So what impact is it having on our lives? I think the time we spend on our phones is having all sorts of impacts on us. One of the most notable is this low-grade level of anxiety that I think a lot of us are constantly feeling, so much so that we don't notice it's there until it actually is removed. And by which I mean, as an example, I occasionally do these 24-hour breaks from my phone just as a ritual for myself, like a digital Sabbath. And I'm always amazed by how I feel after 24 hours, which is that I feel this sense of relaxation and relief I didn't have before, if that makes any sense. It's kind of this removal of this, as I said, feeling of low-grade anxiety that comes when you feel constantly

tethered to your phone and required to check all the time. But don't you, as much as you feel that relief at the end of that 24 hours, don't you feel horrible in the first hour when you know, oh my god, I can't check my phone for a day? I definitely feel twitchy for the first little bit, but I've been surprised by how fast that fades. And it's not just me. I know I may, you're like, you wrote a book about breaking up your phone. Obviously, you're okay with that. As part of my research for the book, I enlisted the help of about 150 volunteers, the guinea pigs, to try this out. And they also went through this 24 hour break from their phone. And I had a number of really interesting exchanges where I would be actually emailing with people on the eve of their experiment. They'd be so anxious about doing this.

And then I asked follow-up questions afterwards and heard from multiple people the same thing, that at first it was really hard and scary, and then after about an hour, 45 minutes, they felt less twitchy. And by the time it was, the time came for them to turn the phone back on, they found that they didn't really want to, and that they felt a lot more relaxed than they ever would have anticipated. So it's very interesting to get feedback from other people as well. Yeah, I would think that as it came time to turn my phone back on, I would start feeling anxious about what's waiting for me. All these emails, all these messages, all these texts that I have been let pile up over the last 24 hours. Now I'm going to be worried about that. Yes, but again, that's kind of like a wake-up call to realize that that

anxiety is normally always there, just in less of a pile-up sense. And once you recognize what's happening there, you can start to make changes that reduce that anxiety if you want to. So, for example, you can now use the Do Not Disturb While Driving feature on iPhones to set automatic text message responses for people. So if you did want to, for example, just leave your phone on your desk while you go out for lunch or take a break of a couple hours or not check it while you're at dinner with a friend, you can actually send out an automated response that says what you're doing

to people so that you don't need to worry about leaving them hanging. And I've found that to be a very effective technique to reduce some of the anxiety that comes with the act of leaving your phone behind and worrying about what's going to be waiting for you when you pick it back up. I said at the very beginning of this that I think, you know, maybe most people understand there's a problem, but maybe they don't. What's your experience? Do people, when you talk to them, see this as a problem, or do they just see this as part of life and that that's what we do now, and we check our phones, and it's not a problem? I think both. I think that a lot of people just assume that this is how it is, and we don't have any agency, and I find that

to be a pretty depressing viewpoint, because it's a a device and you do have control over it, even if it is seemingly ubiquitous and a necessary component of modern life. But I also think a lot of people have begun to start to think more critically about this, in part because there have been so many insiders from the tech industry, particularly social media insiders, talking about the damage that they believe that the product they've created have begun to cause. And that the more these insiders talk about the potential problems, the more the average consumer begins to realize, oh, wait a second, my phone is actually designed with lots of design elements that are there to get me to spend as much time on the phone and apps as possible. And oh, wait a second, when I go to check Instagram or Facebook or WhatsApp or all those various social media apps, I am actually not the customer of those apps.

They're collecting data on me and they're stealing my attention so that I can sell those things to advertisers. And I think that the more we start to think more critically about the motivations behind the people who create the phones and the apps and how those motivations do or do not align with our own priorities in life, then we begin to empower ourselves to cultivate more mindful relationships with these devices. So, you know, just to clarify, the point of breaking up with your phone is not to throw your phone out or to dump it under, you know, in a river. It's to go from this obsessive relationship, which is what we have now,

this very unhealthy, almost romantic obsession where you sleep with your phone, you can't be without it for more than five minutes without craving your phone, to go to be friends with your phone, where there's a time and a place to spend time with your phone. It's a useful tool. It can be entertaining and fun, but ultimately you also have boundaries, and you have control over when and how you interact with it. I remember talking to someone on this program about, I don't remember exactly what the topic was, but the point was that the way that we use our phones now, where everybody's walking around, and as I joked about before, running into phone poles and getting hit by cars and things, this can't be it. This cannot be, this can't last very long,

because as a norm, it doesn't really work. So something's going to have to change. Yeah, we'll probably have chips in our head or something that's less dorky than Google Glass, right? I mean, I think we'll definitely look back on this stage with kind of a bit of surprise that it's just so clumsy, if you think about it, that you have to type these little messages on a tiny keyboard that you have to look at. You actually have to hold it up to your face to see it. I mean, that just is going to seem so primitive. So I think it's interesting to recognize that technology is going to race ahead,

but that if we want to have our relationship with technology be good, we need to start thinking about what we want that relationship to be. So this kind of clumsy moment is perhaps an opportunity to start thinking critically about the good parts of technology, the bad parts, what we want to keep, what we don't want to let happen, so that as we go towards this more seamless vision of the future, we can still retain control, because it's only going to get more seductive. I mean, if you think about how clumsy a phone actually is and how impossible it can seem to look away from it, imagine what will happen when it's not so clunky. It's interesting that people

can't be away from their phones for five minutes, 10 minutes without feeling anxious, without the need to check it. Yet how many times have you checked your phone and there's been a text or a message or something that, oh my God, I'm so thankful I had my phone? It's never that important, or almost never that important. It's always mundane junk that we keep seeing, and yet we keep thinking that that monumental text is going to be coming any minute, and it never comes. Right, and I think that's an important thing for us all to start to recognize and think about, is why do we feel so compelled to check our phones, even though in our rational mind we know that 99 times out of 100 there's not going to be

something waiting for us that's really important or exciting or happiness-inducing. And I would say two thoughts come to mind. First is that when I find myself looking at my phone and wanting to check it, I try to take a moment to recognize that my phone is basically a black box. It's a Pandora's box of emotions. There's going to be something waiting for me there that's going to incite some sort of emotional response. And most of the time, it's not going to be a good one. It's going to be a bit of anxiety about something I haven't responded to or something I have to do or a piece of news that's upsetting, right? And so that for me is a really helpful speed bump to prevent myself and protect myself, I would say, from impulsively reaching for my phone and then being pulled out of my experience

by something that is upsetting or anxiety producing. But second, I think we really need to start paying attention and becoming more aware of how our brain circuitry, our brain chemicals are released in response to picking up our phone and checking our phones and recognize that the same neurotransmitters, in particular dopamine, that is released when we check our phones and find something waiting for us, it's the same neurotransmitter that drives addictions like gambling or smoking or drugs. And it's very much the same thing that happens when you sit down at a slot machine and start gambling. I mean, slot machines are designed to trigger dopamine and so are our phones. And to clarify, dopamine

is a neurotransmitter that basically tells our brains when something is worth doing again. So people kind of erroneously call it the pleasure chemical. It's not really that. It's telling you, oh, you did this one thing. There was some kind of reward, something that made it worth repeating. And with our phones, every time we check our phone, there's something waiting for us. And when that happens, our brains say, oh, well, that's worth doing again. We'll check it again. And you get into the cycle where the more you check your phone, the more you want to check your phone. And eventually you get to the point where just the sight of your phone is enough to trigger dopamine and make you start to crave it. I'm speaking with Katherine Price. Her book is How to Break Up with Your Phone.

Her website is phonebreakup.com. And if you're finding this conversation interesting and insightful, I want to make sure you understand that you can get the audio version of Catherine's book for free right now when you start a free trial at Audible. Audiobooks are great for helping you be a better you,

whether you want to feel healthier, get motivated, or get help when your phone takes over your life. What's great about Audible is that members get a credit every month good for any audiobook in the store, regardless of price, and unused credits roll over to the next month. Don't like your audiobook? You can exchange it. Plus, your books are yours to keep even if you cancel your membership.

Audible is offering a free audiobook with a 30-day trial membership, which means you can get the audiobook version of How to Break Up with Your Phone, that we're talking about right now, for free with your trial membership. This is like a $14 audiobook, free. Go to audible.com slash something and browse the unmatched selection of audiobooks and programs. Download a title for free and start listening. It's that easy. Go to audible.com slash something. That something lets them know that I sent you and it helps support this podcast.

Or you can text the word something to 500-500 to get started today. audible.com slash something. Now, before I continue my conversation with Catherine, I have to tell you that I just recently started brushing my teeth with a new Quip toothbrush, and when I got it, I thought, well, you know, this looks cool and everything, but it's still just a toothbrush.

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Spell G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash something. So, Catherine, you know, to hear you talk, it really makes this whole thing about smartphones seem kind of ridiculous. I mean, to be so enslaved to this thing is really stupid. In fact, as you were saying that, you know, there's always something waiting for you whenever you check it. And yet sometimes there isn't. There's nothing new.

And even that feels good sometimes. Well, I mean, that's another very good point is that dopamine is released when you have something that's worth repeating. But one of the most effective ways to get it to be released is to have it be unpredictable. So if you think about a slot machine, you can't tell whether you're going to win or not. It's totally unpredictable. And that keeps you glued even more firmly to your seat. Or if you think about why people like watching sports games, but they don't normally watch them a second time once you know the outcome, it's because you don't

know what's going to happen. And that keeps you glued to the television screen because you really want to know what's going to happen next, but it's not as exciting the next time. And there's more to this, too. I mean, there's physical problems. There's, you know, potentially neck problems from tilting your head down and looking at your phone all the time. There's the blue from the screen that screws up your sleep, and I mean, there's all other kinds of problems besides the wasting time, anxiety issues that we've already talked about. There's so many. I mean, I've been thinking about this a lot because I wrote the book, but also I've been

working on talks about the subject. And it's kind of like, okay, well, let's think about an area of your life that phones are not affecting. I mean, they're affecting our sleep, like you just said. They're affecting our relationships with people. They're affecting our ability to form memories, to have experiences to begin with. They're affecting our ability to focus. They're removing any sort of stillness or boredom from our lives, which I would argue actually is necessary in order to have creative and insightful thoughts.

I mean, it's really the list goes on and on. And they're also just removing us from our actual lives. So you're really not experiencing things if you're constantly staring at your phone screen. So it's hard for me to think of an area of my life where our lives could not be affected by our phones. We were in Hawaii last week with my kids, and they wanted to look at their phones as we're driving around looking at volcanoes

and whatever we're looking at. And they were much more interested in playing games on their phones. And I, you know, finally took them away and said, you guys don't ever see this. Look. Take a look. What was their response? How did that go? Well, it kind of depended on the, I guess it depended on what was out the window, but the assumption is,

at least for grown-ups anyway, is the assumption is that, you know, that that is a bad thing, that, you know, it's better for them to look out the window, it's better for them to engage with other people, but according to who? Says who? I mean, it seems logical that that would be a better thing, but what really is the harm? Well, I think it depends on what your view is of a well-lived life, right? Like, if you think that there's actually no problem locking yourself in a basement playing video games all day, and that's how you actually want to spend your time on Earth, then I think that that's your business. But I think it's worth evaluating whether or not that's actually how we want to spend our lives. I don't think there's many people on their deathbeds who would say,

I really wish I'd spend more time on my phone. So I think it is a subjective and qualitative thing, but for most people, I would argue that once they actually think about what their priorities are in life, phones would probably not be at the top of the list. So, I mean, yeah, and I hear what you're saying, like, is there any objective value of seeing a dormant volcano that goes beyond whatever game you're playing on your phone? I mean, no, I kind of think everything's meaningless.

You have to create your own meaning, but I know that in my own life, I would prefer to have looked out of the window and have experienced that time in Hawaii and have some memories of that time than to just be mindlessly sucking away my time or allowing my time to be sucked away by a video game that's been designed to steal my attention from me. I want to have control over my own time and my own attention and to choose how I live my life. And I think that for me that means that I want to be very conscious

about when I allow my phone or an app on the phone to take that from me. One of the things I think people struggle with is it's not only that they want to be on their phones, but other people expect them to be available. And so when your mother sends you a text and you don't respond for six hours, she gets mad. And so you would say, well, tell her this. Tell her what? Tell her... Yeah, I mean, that's definitely true. A lot of people will say, well, I would like to be on my phone less, but I can't leave so-and-so hanging, right? And that gets back to one of the techniques we were talking about at the beginning, which is the idea of, well, you can set other

people's expectations or let them know what to expect by, for example, setting an automatic text message response saying that you're not checking your phone. And if it's possible, you can give them a way of getting in touch with you if it truly is an emergency. So if you do have a landline telephone, give them alternatives. But I think you really do have to be much more proactive about saying, this is your life. You get to set the boundaries of how people communicate with you. And it's all about actually communicating to them what to expect and also taking actions to protect yourself using the tools that are available on your phone.

For example, if you wanted to just receive text messages from your mother or whoever the small group of people is whose messages you actually do want to respond to quickly, you can set a list of VIP contacts on your phone and only have notifications come through from those people. Or you could put it on do not disturb and tell your mother or whoever else is one of these people that you want to have reach you in an emergency. If you need me, call me more than one time because the phone will actually let a call through if the person keeps calling you even through Do Not Disturb. So in other words, it takes work and it takes understanding the options that are available

to you and it takes communicating with your friends and family members and colleagues about what your boundaries are and how they can and cannot reach you. But I think that every single one of us could, even if we can't reach a perfect solution, can take big steps in the right direction if we put a little bit of work into it. If you get a text and you respond five seconds later, then people start to expect that that's what you do, and you set that expectation, and then when you don't, then people get upset. Well, why didn't you text back? Well, so, I mean, I typically don't email or text back right away, simply because I don't want people to think I'm that available, because then they expect it. Yes, and then interestingly, by responding quickly, you're actually putting pressure on the other person

to respond quickly, because now they feel that you're expecting them to respond as quickly as you did. You know, sorry, for them to respond as quickly as you did. Sorry, for them to respond as quickly as you did. So you get into this cycle where each person is basing their expectations on the other person's actions, and you just get into a cycle where it gets faster and faster and faster. So I agree. I think it's actually quite useful to respond more slowly, both to make it clear that you're not going to be quite as tethered, but also to free the other person to make it seem that,

hey, it's okay if they wait a couple hours to text back. Well, it's interesting when you think about it that the phone has become part of virtually every piece of our lives. I mean, we either use it or misuse it, perhaps, in some ways, but it's everywhere. It's hard to imagine life without it, and it's probably worth thinking about how you use it and how to use it better. My guest has been Katherine Price. She's author of the book How to Break Up with Your Phone. There's a website, which is pretty cool. I recommend that you check it out. It is phonebreakup.com. That's phonebreakup.com. That's PhoneBreakup.com. And also, remember, you can get the audio version of her book for free when you sign up for a free trial at audible.com slash something.

Just go to audible.com slash something, and you can select Catherine's book, or actually any book, for that matter, when you start your free trial, and it is yours to keep forever. Thanks, Catherine. Oh, thank you so much for having me. If you've ever tried online dating, there's a good chance you've run into some dead ends. Dead end conversations, dead end matches, and dead end dates. If so, you really need to try eHarmony. It's built to help you find lasting, meaningful relationships.

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or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think, I'm not sure, but I think that just about everybody has had a time in their life when things went horribly wrong. That you felt as if your life was falling apart. And you get that feeling of despair, not knowing where to start or what to do. If it's happened to you, you probably know what I'm talking about.

You know that feeling. And if it hasn't happened to you, well, lucky you. But it still could happen. And if it does, what do you do? Well, one thing I suggest is to listen to Daphne Rose Kingma. Daphne is a best-selling author, relationship expert, keynote speaker, workshop leader. She was one of Oprah's favorite guests, and she's authored a dozen books, including The 10 Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart. Hi, Daphne. So why did you decide to tackle this subject? I mean, it's a pretty big topic in the sense that it's not about relationships or health or something. It's the whole thing. It's when the whole world blows up. So where did this come from? Well, everybody I talked to was going through

a relationship crisis, an illness crisis, knew somebody who had lost their house to foreclosure, who was moving out and had to give their dog away because they didn't have a place to live anymore. In California here, so many people in my town lost their house to fire. So it was a world that had a completely new texture, and the texture of it was that people were going through very tough things. Do you really think that it's different, or with the media and all, we just notice it more? I think it is different, Mike. I think we notice it more, of course, because of media, but I think it is different. I think there are waves of crisis that have kind of swept through our world in a way that hasn't been true maybe since the Great Depression, and in a way that everybody's

conscious of it. And everybody is either directly affected or knows somebody who's affected. And I don't think that's all just that we're hearing about it more. I think more of us are actually affected and more of us are actually struggling. And so there's a mood around that is much more common. People are carrying the energy of that mood of struggle. And I think that's what I wanted to address. I always like to speak to people where they are emotionally, whatever they're going through there. And that's what I observed.

And I guess there's some comfort in numbers, because when people go through these crises, I think they think they're all alone in them and that everybody else is doing just fine. But as you point out, this applies to everybody. Everybody goes through these, my world is falling apart moments. That's true. And of course, the beauty of these situations is that because we realize that we're in them together, there can be also more of a pulling together than there is when you're going through, you know, an anguish in private. And I think that's one of the opportunities that exists here. And one of the things that I observe with

people is that suddenly, you know, suddenly we are paying attention to one another and suddenly we are reaching out a helping hand and suddenly we do get it that we're all in this journey together. And that's the beauty part, as I always say, you know, that something is happening to our spirits in the midst of all of this. So these 10 things that I should do when my life falls apart, what are they? The very first one is you cry your heart out. And the reason I put that at the beginning, Mike, is that most people, when terrible things happen, instead of feeling that they need to grieve over it, just want to take control, wish it didn't happen, go into denial. And we live in a culture that has really deprived

us of our tears. It's like we're supposed to get through everything, but we're not supposed to feel how tough it is. And the importance of crying is that it really restores the body's equilibrium and allows us to go on with whatever we may need to do in the real world, you know, practically or circumstantially. And so that's the very first thing. I want to give everybody permission to cry when things are tough. Another one is face your defaults, do something different, let go. These things mean that, you know, when I talk about facing your defaults, I'm really saying, hey, every one of us has something that we've contributed to what's going on. And it's really important to take note of what that is. How have you unwittingly participated in what you're going

through? And what do you need to do to become aware of that so that you can immediately change direction and change your action? Because if we just keep, you know, dreaming in a state of denial or if we don't notice what we've done, then the difficult thing that we're in the midst of can get even worse. And rather than solving it and coming out of it, we just kind of sit there as passive participants and we don't get into the process of changing it. Doesn't it seem, though, that when things get tough, when all hope is gone, that it just doesn't seem like there's a way out,

somehow, I don't know if it's human nature or what, but somehow we find a way. I mean, we have to find a way because what's the alternative? So somehow we have the wherewithal to pull ourselves up from the bootstraps and get out of it somehow. Yes, we do find a way. And that is a wonderful thing that we do find a way, but I'm suggesting in looking at your contribution that that is part of the way you do find a way. And another part of the way you find a way, that's a complicated sentence, isn't it, is to recognize what it is that you have to bring to the crisis at hand. And I call that finding your signature strength that each of us, you know, all of us together find a way, but each of us has a very

unique way of getting through a difficult time. And a lot of people aren't aware of that when a huge event or difficulty hits. It's like, oh my God, how am I going to get through this? You know, it's bigger than I am. I'm overwhelmed. And of course, there's an emotional overwhelm that goes through that or goes along with that too. There's an emotional overwhelm that goes along with that, which is, um, you know, I've never felt anything like this before. How am I going to get through these feelings? But the truth is that each of us has this power, what I call a signature strength. And that's something that if you look back through your life is the thing that has always carried you through hard times. It's your ingenuity or your endurance or your personality or your energy or your lightheartedness

or your ability with people or your hardworkingness. And so when you remember that you have this resource, then suddenly you become able to face the difficulty at hand. And that's an incredible gift that each of us have. Well, it does seem, at least from my experience and from watching other people, that when things start to go really wrong, that there's a tendency to start to catastrophize. That as we see things deteriorate, we think they're going to keep deteriorating and get worse and worse. And then that just sucks all your energy because you could become so obsessed with that, that you don't have the strength to really do what you need to do to

fix the problem. You're so emotionally overwhelmed. And that's true. Catastrophizing, that's a great word, because it means that not just you, but you're kind of in this mood, like, you know, we're all going down the tubes together. So that's why I've really made a point of reminding people that they have, that each of us has this power and ability that we can bring to the situation. And we've seen that a lot with actual catastrophes that people have gone through, you know, you through, all these earthquakes and all these difficulties that are attacking hundreds of thousands of people at once. We see resourcefulness. We see genius. We see persistence. We see courage. And so it's a good thing to remember in these hard times that

you too have something that you can bring to it, as opposed to just, you know, getting sunk in the despair of the situation. You mentioned that we all have a signature strength that pulls us through the hard times, but how do you know what your signature strength is? Well, I've given a lot of guidelines in this chapter because a lot of people don't know what it is. And often it isn't the money in your bank account. It isn't something concrete or the fact that you own a mansion. It's an internal capability, and it's very often an emotional capability like some of those things I mentioned, like energy and enthusiasm or optimism or, you know,

the ability to connect with people or persistence. And so you really have to check in with yourself and see, what is it that has carried me through all my life? How have I coped with each difficult situation when it's come up? It's a very personal thing. And it really is something you become aware of by looking through your own history and asking how you have coped. But, you know, your strength, obviously, is different from mine.

And it's really important to connect with what that uniqueness is because then you say to yourself, oh, I've always had that energy that no matter what was happening, I would get up the next day and face it again, or I've always had that spiritual strength, or I've always had that sense of humor that somehow has unlocked doors for me. And so it's very important to, you know, do that internal research on yourself. Because once you've identified it, then what? Because once you identify this, then you have hope,

and you recognize that you have this powerful resource that no matter how hard the times are you're going through, you can rely on that resource to carry you through. It's almost like discovering you have a million dollars in the bank when you thought you were broke. It's like, wow, I do have something that's going to carry me through this situation. And emotionally, when tough times come, of course, the thing that's most difficult for people is the feeling that they're not going to make it through. I mean, I've worked for 30 years in the emotional world, you know, in people's emotional lives,

and that's what really gets us. It's the despair. It's the feeling that we're not going to make it through. So connecting with this power that you have in yourself immediately gives you the sense of, oh, I will make it through. I don't know exactly how. I don't know exactly what all the circumstantial pieces of it are going to be. But I know I have this inner resource that will show me,

step after step, the path out of this situation. It's interesting, because that is such a universal experience, I think, that when people feel like their world is falling apart, and they feel that despair, and they think things like, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know how I'm going to get over it, which, well, what does that even mean? I mean, of course you'll get over it. I mean, you're not going to die, hopefully. Of course you get over it. So it serves no purpose to think that way. So why do we think that way? Because we're so internally connected with the way things are.

You know, the way things are has a tremendous amount of power for all of us. And we're familiar with the way things are, and we've worked out our little systems, and we know what we do every day at 8 o'clock, you know, and we know how pretty much we're going to get through the day. But when we have a massive crisis, it's like we're experiencing change and change is always threatening, even if ultimately it leads to something good. And we know even crisis ultimately leads to something good. It can, you know, it can lead to great internal changes. It can lead to spiritual depth. It can lead to emotional generosity.

It can lead to simplicity of living. It can lead to great experiences of love. And yet we're so darn scared because, oh, my goodness, everything is different. And so we are terrified of change. Human beings are terrified of change because change always means that we're going to have to do something different. Not only will you have to do something different, but I'm encouraging you to do something different. Because when you get the idea of, hey, this is a different situation and I need something different, I need to do something uncharacteristic. Then suddenly things start to happen, and we're just scared of doing something different.

We're scared of change. We like the status quo because we know how it works. And so that's why all these really tough feelings come up, and that's why we need a handbook, actually, because we sort of get paralyzed when change happens. It's like, oh, you know, what am I going to do here? Lastly, do you think there's a silver lining typically when things go bad, when life falls apart? Is there usually something good to come from it?

You know, great things come out of these huge difficulties if we're paying attention and we don't just let the avalanche bury us and receive that reward that comes at the end because it's huge. And that is the perfect way to end our discussion. My guest has been Daphne Rose Kingma. Her book, one of 12 that she's written so far, is The 10 Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart, and you will find a link to her book at Amazon in the show notes for this episode of the podcast.

Thank you, Daphne. If I asked you to name the first breakfast cereal that pops into your head, there's a good chance you would say Cheerios. It would be tough to find someone in North America who hasn't had a bowl of them at some point in their life. But there are some things about Cheerios you probably don't know. First of all, that when Cheerios were introduced in 1941 they were called Cheeriotes

and the name was changed in 1945. At one point, the FDA considered Cheerios an unapproved drug. In 2009, General Mills claimed Cheerios could lower cholesterol 4% in six weeks. The Food and Drug Administration contacted General Mills and demanded that the company either cease making the claim or apply for federal approval to be sold as a drug. Somehow they got it all worked out. There is such a thing called the Cheerios effect.

The Cheerios effect is what it's called in fluid mechanics when floating objects attract one another, like Cheerios do in a bowl of milk. The first spin-off of Cheerios was not Honey Nut Cheerios, but Cinnamon Nut Cheerios in 1976. Today, there are at least 16 different Cheerios. There's original, I won't name them all, original Honey Nut Cheerios, multigrain, ancient grain, Honey Nut Medley Crunch, frosted apple cinnamon, fruity, banana nut, multigrain, Ancient Grain, Honey Nut Medley Crunch, Frosted Apple Cinnamon, Fruity Banana Nut, Multigrain, Peanut Butter, Chocolate, Multigrain, Dark Chocolate, Cinnamon

Burst, and it goes on and on. And that is something you should know. You can always reach me. In fact, the best way to reach me is Mike at SomethingYouShouldKnow.net. Sometimes people leave questions or comments on Facebook or on Podbean or wherever they listen to the podcast, and I don't always get those, or I get them a lot later, long after they were written.

But the best way to get me is mike at somethingyoushouldknow.net. I'm Micah Ruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent VB Loro,

who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot,

and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook. Starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. Contained herein are the heresies of Redolph Buntwine, erstwhile monk turned travelling medical investigator. Join me as I study the secrets of the divine plagues and uncover the blasphemous truth

that ours is not a loving God and we are not its favoured children. The Heresies of Redolph Buntwine wherever podcasts are available.