Something You Should Know - Everyday Health Hacks & A New Approach to Conflict

Starting point is 00:00:00 The search for truth never ends. Introducing June's Journey, a hidden object mobile game with a captivating story. Connect with friends, explore the roaring 20s, and enjoy thrilling activities and challenges while supporting environmental causes. After seven years, the adventure continues with our immersive travels feature. Explore distant cultures and engage in exciting experiences. There's always something new to discover. Are you ready?

Starting point is 00:00:27 Download June's Journey now on Android or iOS. Today on Something You Should Know. You know the saying when you drink something and start coughing that it must have gone down the wrong pipe? Well, did it? Then, a surgeon with important health hacks you need to know. You see so many people shoving Q-tips in their ears and the Q-tip essentially pushes any earwax you're trying to get further in towards the ear drum and it can actually end up being pushed and stick against the ear drum.

Starting point is 00:01:01 Also, interesting ways the heat escapes from your house you probably didn't know. And simple behavior changes to address the conflict in any relationship. Let's behave in ways that are good for both of us. And when I act like a jerk and I hurt your feelings or I do something that's not team oriented, that's more self-focused, I want to know about that because I care about you. I care about how my behavior impacts you. All this today on Something You Should Know. This is an ad for BetterHelp. Welcome to the world. Please read your personal owner's manual thoroughly. In it, you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind. Thank you, and have a nice life.

Starting point is 00:01:46 Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp Online Therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's Better experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. universal experience. That is, when you take a drink of something, every once in a while, something goes wrong. You start coughing and choking. And when that happens, people often say, oh, it must have gone down the wrong pipe. Well, is there really a wrong pipe? Yeah, kind of there is. There are two pipes in your throat, the trachea, which is for air,

Starting point is 00:02:43 and it goes to the lungs, and your esophagus, which is where food and drinks go down. Sometimes what happens is you drink something and your brain forgets to close the little flap over your trachea, so that drink starts going down the trachea, which is the wrong pipe. This usually happens when you're not paying attention to what you're doing. So then you start coughing to get it out of the trachea and back down the esophagus where it belongs. And most of us are pretty good at doing that. In fact, you don't want to suppress that cough. You want to cough it up. Because if food or drink does go down the trachea and gets to the lungs, that can cause problems, including pneumonia. The way

Starting point is 00:03:26 to prevent it is to pay attention to what you're eating and drinking when you're eating and drinking it. And that is something you should know. We all want to be healthy, and there's certainly no shortage of health advice out there if you want it. But I would like you to hear some interesting health advice, much of which I doubt you've heard before. This comes from a doctor, a surgeon, who actually looks inside of people and can see how what they do impacts their health. Dr. Curran Rajan. He is a surgeon in the UK and one of the most prominent medical doctors on social media. He's got over 7 million social media followers, where he offers sound medical advice and busts some myths as well. He is also author of the book, This Book May Save Your Life, Everyday Health Hacks to Worry Less and Live Better. Hey, doctor, welcome to Something You Should Know.

Starting point is 00:04:23 Thank you very much for having me Michael. So I like the fact that a lot of your advice is a little different or at least a little less well known than the usual stuff we hear. Give me an example of that, of something understands why a certain part of their body causes pain, or why a certain disease process causes pain, that is actually scientifically proven to reduce their perception of pain. So actually understanding something can improve your health. One area of the body that I think people have questions about, although I'm not sure they want to hear the details, is the gut. And you're a gut surgeon. What is going on in there? Why do we have problems with it? What are those problems? What are the symptoms and the causes of the symptoms? What's going on in the gut? That's a good question. And I'm a gut surgeon myself. So I'd like to think of it as a pet subject of mine. And the gut is an interesting one. We hear so many things about gut health. And, you know, that

Starting point is 00:05:40 seems to be a buzzword or a buzz phrase these days about gut health and how to improve your microbiome, probiotic supplements. And the truth is, and maybe I'm biased, but I feel that the gut is so interconnected to your brain, to your immune system, to your general health, to your longevity. And at the core of it, it comes down to a few very basic things. It's not actually very complex. And those few basic things are what? Having lots of fiber. So for an average adult, 30 grams of fiber a day. In the Western world, we'd be lucky if the average adult is getting a third of that in a day.

Starting point is 00:06:21 And here's something really interesting. If you increase your fiber intake by just 10 grams a day, you lower your bowel cancer risk, your colorectal cancer risk by 10%. So for such a small trade-off, you get such a big win. What about just like everything else, people think, I'll just take a supplement or Metamucil or whatever, and I'll be fine. So I think there is a role for fiber supplements, like you mentioned, Metamucil. Psyllium husk is another great type of insoluble fiber you can take. But actually, there's things we can do in our daily lives, in our daily habits. So you probably heard the craze of probiotic supplements, these little pills or shakes or drinks that you can take, and they are aiming to give you live microorganisms or bacteria, good bacteria to replenish your gut. health. That's like saying everyone in one city can go to a store and buy a suit and it'll fit

Starting point is 00:07:27 everyone the same. Our gut DNA and our gut microbiome is so individualized and different. So actually, you can get those bacteria that you need, those beneficial bacteria, just by eating foods which contain microorganisms. Live yogurt, certain aged cheeses, pickled vegetables, these are better sources of probiotics and supplements. But if I'm not inclined to eat aged cheese or yogurt, wouldn't it be better than nothing? Not really, because these supplements are number one, very expensive. You know, they are in excess of some gym memberships. So actually, if you wanted to take care of your microbiome, there are many things you can do that for outside the remit of your diet. For example, if you're walking around in nature and you're taking walks in gardens and parks, you're exposed to airborne microbes, some of

Starting point is 00:08:26 which are very beneficial. If you're interacting with other people, you interact with their own microbiome. If you exercise, that has a positive impact on your own gut bacteria and microbes. If you avoid prolonged periods of sleep deprivation that is also beneficial for your gut bacteria. So the actual general lifestyle factors that can be protective for our gut bacteria. And it's not just about diet. Diet plays a role for sure. High amounts of fiber, different colored fruits and vegetables provide different sources of energy for these bacteria. But it's really a lot of different pillars in our health which can improve our gut health. Since the gut is your area of expertise, do you find there are any misconceptions about gut and gut health?

Starting point is 00:09:15 I think one of the biggest misconceptions about gut health is that we have to always have a perfect diet and it takes a very long time for us to correct our gut health. But what's really interesting is that there have been studies which have shown that the food you eat today, within 24 hours, it can have a change on the composition and the makeup of your microbiome. So actually, it's not about just long-term habits. Even short-term habits can have positive impacts on our gut health. So you can start eating more fiber today, and those positive ripples will start showing tomorrow. So actually, it's a very dynamic interface between our environment and the food we eat and us. We need to treat the microbiome and the gut not as an inert object that we just shovel food into, but actually as living tenants inside us.

Starting point is 00:10:19 And how can we be good landlords and take care of these tenants who actually take care of us. Talk about the importance of drinking water, because, you know, it always seems like you're never drinking enough water. You've got to stay hydrated. How much is enough and what does it do for you? So the eight glasses of water a day came about decades ago, and it wasn't really based on any strict science. And, you know, we are just walking bags of water. We're more than 75, 80% water. So yes, we do need liquid water to stay hydrated. But fortunately, most of the foods that we eat are hydrated. It contains food. Sorry, it contains water. We drink water that's contained within the sodas that we drink in teas and coffees and juices. So we get plenty of water. And the best way to figure out if you are drinking enough is a few things.

Starting point is 00:11:17 You obviously can look at the color of your pee. And another misconception, your pee does not need to be crystal clear. It just needs to be straw colored. Like, hay. If it's that, it's fine. If it's too clear, you're probably overhydrating. You don't need that. And if it's very dark yellow, like dark apple juice, you're probably under hydrated and dehydrated. And you can also tell by how thirsty you're feeling, the dryness around your mucosal membranes, the lips and the mouth. These are very easy telltale signs to see if you're hydrated enough. Certainly a common problem people have is sleep. They don't get enough. They don't sleep well. What's your recommendation? So a lot of people reach for quick fixes and supplements and other shortcuts or sleeping pills. And actually, again, a huge misconception, sleeping pills themselves, benzodiazepines or anything that people might

Starting point is 00:12:17 take, don't actually put you into what we call a restorative sleep. They just turn the TV off, as it were. It doesn't wind you down and it doesn't give you those beneficial sleep waves that you need. What does work is a few very basic things. Our bodies respond to light and temperature and noise. Those are the sort of three main things that it responds to, to have good sleep. So you need to lower your body temperature somehow to have good sleep because that is in line with the falling of the body temperature during the nighttime, the normal circadian rhythm. So having a slightly coolish environment, if you want to open the window a little bit, or set the air con to a slightly comfortable and slightly chilly temperature. Darkness as well. Any light can actually affect

Starting point is 00:13:12 our internal clocks and make us think it's daytime. So minimizing the light as we get to the night and also the noise as well. Our ears are very receptive to any disturbances. They're trying to keep a room as quiet as possible. And this is something I've had to learn over the years and really struggle to get right. We're discussing your body. Well, not yours specifically, but bodies in general and how to take care of them with Dr. Karan Rajan. He's a surgeon in the UK and author of the book, This Book May Save Your Life. Everyday health hacks to worry Less and Live Better.

Starting point is 00:13:48 This episode is brought to you by Melissa and Doug. Wooden puzzles and building toys for problem solving and arts and crafts for creative thinking. Melissa and Doug makes toys that help kids take on the world. Because the way they play today shapes who they become tomorrow. Melissa and Doug, the play is pretend, the skills are real. Look for Melissa and Doug wherever you shop for toys. Metrolinks and Crosslinks are reminding everyone to be careful as Eglinton Crosstown LRT train testing is in progress.

Starting point is 00:14:21 Please be alert as trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals, be careful along our tracks, and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. So doctor, I think people, most people have heard that heart disease is the number one killer. So what can we do to protect our heart and keep it pumping? So one of the best things for your heart, and it's essentially magic dust for your heart, is exercise. I mean, that's a very dogmatic thing to say. But when you exercise, you get a release of these things from the muscles called

Starting point is 00:15:06 myokines. You also get an increase in the production of nitrous oxide, nitric oxide, and this widens the blood vessels, improves blood flow, and is actually protective and beneficial for the hearts. And besides these things, on the other foot, what is detrimental for the heart and what we try to avoid as much as we can is high amounts of stress. High amounts of stress floods your body with these stress hormones and stress chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol, and it raises your blood pressure. And chronically, when you have high blood pressure, that can actually damage the vessels and the arteries which supply the heart. And that's where you can result in long-term heart problems. I know you talk about the ears and that's one part of the body people don't typically think much about unless there's a problem. But what's your advice? You see so many people shoving Q-tips in their ears, and it really worries you

Starting point is 00:16:09 as a surgeon because your eardrum, the tympanic membrane, is so flimsy and friable. So when you have something sharp that goes in there, this can cause serious damage. And the Q-tip essentially doesn't do its job properly because it pushes any earwax you're trying to get further in towards the eardrum. And it can actually end up being pushed and stick against the eardrum. And if you really want to clean your ears, people think it's always something that you need to put inside. It can just be something simple like olive oil drops or specific earwax drops that you put in or just some water that you put in with a towel and you wipe it from the outside. Our ears clean themselves. The earwax naturally comes out on its own. The ear is a self-cleaning organ and the earwax plays

Starting point is 00:16:56 a very crucial role in protecting the integrity of the ear. What about the eyes? I mean, people know to wear sunglasses in the sun and not stick anything in your eye, but I mean, what else are we supposed to do? It's a really worrying trend that we're seeing more and more people these days developing myopia, short-sightedness. And one of the big contributing factors for that is because we are now living in a world, in a generation where we are completely fixated on screens. We are looking at screens, children are watching TV, iPad, social media, scroll holes. And that short-sightedness when we're just looking at our phones, just a few inches from our face is causing this pandemic of myopia and affecting our

Starting point is 00:17:47 eyesight. So for a start, we can maybe stop looking at screens and look up, go outside and protect our eyes by looking at things in the distance and not just electronic screens a few inches from our face. But how much can that do? I mean, if you look up and look in the distance, which I've heard that advice before, but I mean, if I take two minutes out of my day, is that going to do anything if the rest of the time I'm staring at my iPad or my monitor? It may not do anything chronically if you're just looking at your screen, but it's interesting in that your eyes plays a role beyond just that of vision. So if you take a look from your screen and you look up at a horizon, so

Starting point is 00:18:32 you look up out of your phone and you look at your garden and you see the horizon, you see the sky, your eyes, where you look and how you look and what you're looking at can actually change your stress levels and your mindset. It's something called optic flow. When you move from a short-sighted vision to a long-sighted panoramic view, it actually widens those pupils. So it takes in more light and it actually changes your mood in that it actually comforts and relaxes you. This is why walking or cycling or being in nature is actually beneficial because you get more of the panoramic horizon view. Talk about the nose because, you know, I know everybody seems to have allergies and we don't know. Should we use a neti pot?

Starting point is 00:19:24 What's the recommendation? Yeah. So the nose is an interesting one and it's a misunderstood organ in its own right. I would say that if someone is suffering from allergies and this is cold flu allergy season, one of the basic things that people get wrong with, you mentioned neti pots. When someone uses neti pot, a definite thing to avoid is avoiding using tap water to irrigate your nose. And it's quite rare in the Western world, but you can get some bacteria which can go up in there and cause all sorts of problems in your nose. So if you are using a neti pot to irrigate your sinuses and your nose, you should use either sterile water or boiled tap water, which is then cooled down. What else do we do or not do with our

Starting point is 00:20:13 nose that we probably should or shouldn't? So another thing is when people are, you know, affected by allergies, they tend to use nasal sprays. And I've seen in my practice, when I've seen patients use nasal sprays, and even online, they use it completely the wrong way. People, you know, point the nasal spray straight up into their nose, where actually it needs to go and be pointed parallel to your earlobes and your ears, because actually your sinuses are parallel to your ears, not straight up towards your brain. And actually, you should not inhale as you spray in because then it travels all the way to the back of your mouth. So when you get your basic techniques with the nasal spray wrong, you end up not benefiting from the medication itself.

Starting point is 00:21:07 So wait, so how do you do it? So if you take the nasal spray, you place it in the nostril and then you tilt it. So the nasal spray is almost at like a 130 to 180 degree angle. And the nasal spray is actually parallel with your ears. Okay. It's parallel with your ears, which means it is now in the same level and length as the sinuses, which is where the medication needs to go. If you just point the nasal spray straight up, it just hits the septum and the walls of the actual nose itself without getting into the sinuses properly. You started the conversation by talking about how our perception of pain and our understanding of pain can influence how much pain we feel. In these last few minutes,

Starting point is 00:21:52 just talk a little more about that. So it's interesting about pain in that, you know, without offending anyone, if you understand pain, pain is a creation of the mind in most sense. And it's not always just a correlation with tissue injury. For example, we can dial down or increase the perception of pain just based on how we perceive it. For example, there was a really famous case report of a man who came to the emergency room with a big nail going through his boot. And he was screaming in agony because this nail had gone through his boot and into his foot and was causing agony. Now, the emergency room doctors were also concerned and they removed the boot and they found that the boot contained the entire nail and the nail hadn't actually gone through his foot at all. It was purely his perception that the nail had gone through to his foot that it caused this degree of pain.

Starting point is 00:23:00 So actually, there's a degree of placebo and nocebo effect with pain. And how we perceive pain can make it worse or better, which is why when someone is getting an injection, for example, if they look away and they can't see the injection going in, they're depriving their brain of certain sensory inputs so they can actually dial down the pain. If you're looking at the injection going in, I bet you it's going to be far more painful than if you look away. But there are a lot of pains that are really painful. I mean, people who have chronic pain, I understand that some of it is in their head, but a lot of it is not. A lot of it is real, honest to God, pain. Yeah, all pain is real pain, for sure.

Starting point is 00:23:47 And with chronic pain, it's very interesting because there is some abnormality in the pain processing where it's actually increased. It's the pain fibers and the receptors are almost desensitized to the point where it's broken. And unfortunately, they experience sometimes pretty crippling pain. Well, I appreciate the straightforward advice. I think that's the kind of medical advice people like to hear. I've been speaking with Dr. Karan Rajan. He is a surgeon in the UK, and he is all over social media with millions of followers. And he's author of a book called This Book May Save Your Life, Everyday Health Hacks to Worry Less and Live Better. There's a link to his book and a link to some of his social media in the show notes for this episode. Thanks, doctor. Thanks for

Starting point is 00:24:36 being here today. Brilliant. Thank you so much. Take care. Bye-bye. From the kitchen to the laundry room, your home deserves the best. Give it the upgrade it deserves at Best Buy's Ultimate Appliance Event. Save up to $1,000 on two or more major appliances. Shop now in-store or online at bestbuy.ca. Exclusions apply. This winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter Airlines. Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter fares include beer, wine, and snacks, and free fast-streaming Wi-Fi

Starting point is 00:25:14 on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit flyPorter.com and actually enjoy economy. As wonderful and joyful as your life may be, there's always conflict. You and I have to deal with people who don't agree with our point of view. Many of us don't feel we are all that well equipped for this. Some of us avoid and run from conflict. Others turn conflict into a full-blown war. So how do we best handle conflict,

Starting point is 00:25:54 particularly if we don't feel very skilled at it? Well, here to offer some great suggestions and insight into how conflict works and how to best resolve it is Jason Gaddis. He is a speaker, writer, podcaster, and considered an expert on interpersonal conflict. He is author of a very popular book called Getting to Zero, How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships. Hey, Jason, welcome to Something You Should Know.

Starting point is 00:26:22 Thanks, Mike. Good to be here. So I think a lot of people would admit to having trouble with conflict. Why do you suppose that is? Why do we need help with this? There's a few reasons we need help here because a lot of people wing it. And I think that gets them the results they're getting. Then some of us buy into the fantasy that when you enter into a good relationship, you shouldn't have any conflict. And then that sets us up to resent it when it happens and then not learn about it and instead wish it would just go away. And then we judge ourselves like, oh, maybe it's the wrong person. You know, maybe there's something wrong with them or me,

Starting point is 00:26:59 but really it's just conflict is a part of life. Look around. Conflict is everywhere. And adversity is actually good for us. So what you said about winging it, boy, doesn't that seem right? Because when often conflicts happen, there isn't time to sit down and go, hmm, how should I approach this? How, what should I do? Conflicts happen in in the moment in real time. And, and, and even if they don't, we get worked up enough that there's no plan. It's just lock and load. Yeah. Lock and load, blame myself, blame them. Um, wait in silence for it to get better. Let's have a glass of wine and watch a movie a couple days later. Hey, it's better. So I guess we figured it out. And the problem with that approach, of course, is it

Starting point is 00:27:49 compounds over time and it builds and it gets worse. Boy, isn't that true? Where the absence of conflict after a conflict creates an assumption that everything's fine. Yeah, that's right. And it's not fine. So what is it? When that happens, what's going on? Why isn't it fine? Well, if we hooked you up to a brain monitoring system and we were able to regulate your heart, look at your heart rate, we would see that you actually are under stress. You are activated. Your sympathetic nervous system is keyed up a little bit. And even a little bit, if that's chronically on in our home, that's not good for our health long term. So I think people live inside of stressful marriages and families

Starting point is 00:28:40 because they're used to it. It's the water they swim in, and they get used to that low grade kind of hum of activation thinking it's normal because maybe they also grew up in a family like that. So it's normal and people just tolerate it. And, um, that's unfortunate because then they don't have the feedback to kind of say, wow, this feels really terrible. I want to change how I feel. I better talk to my partner or my person. I better learn how to work through this so that I can feel better. And people sometimes are de-incentivized. I think a lot of people believe, though, that if I talk about this,

Starting point is 00:29:14 if I bring this up, that starts the conflict. So if I keep quiet, no conflict. Yeah. And then if I put on some Netflix and I take some kind of medication or I eat a lot of sugar, I just, you know, distract myself with work. I kind of don't have to like look in that direction. Yeah. Because instead of facing the conflict and resolving the conflict, you just kind of let it die its own slow death. Well, then everything's fine. Yeah. I mean, that definitely, I think is how a lot of people do it, unfortunately, Mike. And again, the long-term cost of that is not good from a health standpoint. So what we could do if we want to feel like really great inside of a business partnership,

Starting point is 00:30:00 a marriage, a family, a friendship, is that we can agree that, hey, when we have a conflict, let's agree that we're going to work through it until we get to the bottom of it. Let's also agree that we both own our part. We learn how to validate each other's feelings. And we learn how to be a team in this process and we get stronger through that. So if people can agree to those kind of conditions and terms, you know, perhaps when stress does arise, cause it will, then they, rather than sort of turn down the white noise machine and just kind of look in the other direction, they

Starting point is 00:30:35 engage and they say, Hey, what happened there? I looks like I hurt your feelings. It looks like I said something that was upsetting to you. Oops. Maybe we can can we work through that? Can we get back to a good place? That might be, you know, a better alternative. So what you just said, you know, I hear a lot that, you know, we need to work through it, deal with it, get to a better place. I think a lot of times, oh, I can speak for myself. I don't really know what that means. I don't know what to work through it means, what that looks like exactly. Other than, you know, I say what I believe and the other person says what they believe and we try to come to some resolution. Is that working through it?

Starting point is 00:31:16 Yeah, so we should have a shared reality on what that means so that we can, we know what the outcome we're both after is, which is to feel more relaxed, more connected, more like we're on the same team. So what do we need to do between right now when it feels bad and that feeling we want, which feels good? What do we need to do to get there? What do we need to do to get there? What do we need to do to get there? Well, how do you get there? If I think I'm right, and I think you're wrong, how are we going to get there?

Starting point is 00:31:54 Yeah, that's not going to, we're not going to get there, especially if you stay stuck in you're right and I'm wrong, and you're not willing or flexible to listen to me until I feel understood. If you are unwilling and unable, then this relationship will not last. It will get to a point where I will get sick and tired of being in a relationship with someone like you who just wants to blame me for everything. I have no interest in being in those kind of relationships. So I move on personally. Some people, for whatever reason, like to stay stuck in those kinds of relationships. So I move on personally. Some people for whatever reason, like to stay stuck in those kinds of relationships and where it's good for me,

Starting point is 00:32:30 but it's not good for you. That's not a relationship in my opinion. So what's a better way to do it? Well, how do you approach it? Where it's good for me and it's good for you. You know, if we think of a team, like a sports team, the team understands in the band, a band is another example. They understand that, like, look, if something's good for me, but not good for you, how are we going to jam? How are you going to win? It has to be good for all of us. We have to have a good time and we put the team above any individual.

Starting point is 00:32:59 If we move that into an intimate relationship, it's just a kind of an agreement that we want to be an awesome team. And there's just two people in this team. And let's behave in ways that are good for both of us. And when I act like a jerk and I hurt your feelings or I do something that's not team oriented, that's more self-focused and it hurts your feelings, I want to know about that because I care about you. I care about your feelings. I care about how my behavior impacts you. How do you, I mean, all of this sounds great, but how do you somehow suspend or put aside the emotional part of it that throws people off the rails in order to have that conversation when tempers are flaring and people are screaming, then it's hard to do that.

Starting point is 00:33:49 That's right. Well, it's two things there. One is we all need to become more emotionally intelligent and increase our emotional capacity, which just means I, as a man, for example, I need to get better at feeling my sadness, my anger, my frustration, my joy, my irritation, my hurt. And the better I get at that, the more I'll be able to handle your upset, your anger, your frustration, your sadness, et cetera, et cetera. Because if I have never dealt with my feelings, because I grew up with a father who shut down

Starting point is 00:34:21 my feelings and I'm in an adult relationship,ings are going to be a huge problem, right? I'm going to get activated and irritated and bothered by your feelings. So what's the solution? It's not to change you and ask you to feel less. It's to change me and say, wow, I need to learn how to feel more so I don't have such a problem with your feelings. So that's number one. Number two is we have to get good at cleaning up the mess after we make a mess. So if you blame me and we get into kind of a fight that's very blamey, but we really, underneath that, we really

Starting point is 00:34:57 care about each other. Five minutes or five hours later, we want to clean up that mess. We want to repair it. And so that's when one of us would lead that and say, hey, you know what? I don't like how we treated each other yesterday or five hours ago. And I want to make this right. What do we need to do to get back to a good place? Well, I just want to own my part, which is, man, I raised my voice. I called you a name, yada, yada, yada. So the most important thing with conflict actually isn't not being a jerk in the moment. Like we can always work on that, but the best is the best part is cleaning up the mess. That's where we can have the most

Starting point is 00:35:34 leverage. And it's actually the thing that builds secure, strong relationships over time is, is getting very good at that repair process. Yeah, it does seem like, as you were going through the conversation, when someone takes responsibility and owns what they did, it's so powerful, and yet it's so counterintuitive. It's much better. It seems like it would make more sense for me to defend myself for what I did or minimize what I did rather than say, yeah, I really screwed up here and, and, you know, that, and, and that's my fault and I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:36:11 I mean, imagine the power that has and, and people tend not to do it. Yeah, that's right. I mean, look, I lived 30 years of my life doing that, defending myself and it got me the relationships. It got got me, which is I had a lot of friends. I had a lot of superficial short-term relationships. But it didn't get me deep, good, solid friends. And it certainly didn't get me a great marriage. And if I did that in my own marriage with my wife, and I have done that, and once in a while I do have that knee jerk defensive response. It just doesn't go well. So I learned how to again, clean that up. Oh honey, I got defensive there, didn't I? Yeah, my bad. Here's the, here's how I really want to, here's what I actually want to

Starting point is 00:36:55 say. So again, it requires a tremendous amount of maturity to get better at this part of our life. And not everybody wants to do that. I can imagine listening to you and thinking, you know, this all sounds great, but this is not how I've been doing it. And so if you're kind of stuck in your old ways, how do you even start to put your toe in the water and break out of that and start doing what you're talking about? Yeah. The first thing is to decide, do I want this part of my life to be different? To just make a decision. Like, am I happy and fulfilled with how I'm doing my relationship life? And if the answer is yes, then keep doing what you're doing. You're probably doing great. If the answer is no, you know what? I'm not that fulfilled. I have

Starting point is 00:37:45 friends, but I feel kind of like no one knows me and I've never really had a deep partnership or I've been divorced three times or, you know, whatever the track record is, it's like, get honest. Do you want this part of your life to be different or not? And if it's a yes, then the next step would be to look in the mirror and to look at all the ways in which you are keeping yourself from the very thing you want, because some of us are very other focused and we've got the finger pointed outward. I think it's wiser to point the finger inward, not in self-blame, but in curiosity at yourself. Like, yeah, what is it that I do that keeps me from love, that keeps me from having extraordinary

Starting point is 00:38:21 relationships? And what do I need to do? It's like getting in shape. So what you're saying really is it takes some effort and a willingness to realize that what you've been doing doesn't work and maybe you need to do something different, yet it is so easy to keep just doing what you're doing. Yeah, you said it. Yeah. And that's interesting to me. It's like, and and then we have to ask I always like when someone's doing that I always challenge them by asking this question I say what are you getting out of continuing to do it the way you're doing it because clearly you're getting something out of that or you wouldn't be doing it so what are you getting out of it if you if it's

Starting point is 00:39:03 destroying your relationship and upsetting you and getting you angry and stressed out, where's the benefit? I'm not seeing it. Yeah, it's different for everybody, but we can start by just going, well, maybe I'm getting to be a victim. And when I'm a victim, what do I get out of that? Well, I get a lot of people feeling sorry for me. I get a person who, I get a partner or a friend that always is trying to help me when I'm down on myself. So I get attention. I get help. I get to run a narrative that I can't overcome my challenges. And that gets me comfort. I get to stay comfortable. Like when you're in your victim seat which all of us fall into sometimes you're in a comfortable place and you're getting some out of that it's like i'll just sit on the couch and blame other people or the world then i don't actually have to do the harder thing which is to get my ass off the couch and go apply myself with something yeah i always

Starting point is 00:40:02 feel like because i know people like this, like who seem to like revel in the conflict and seem to like get their fuel from it. And if they did what you're talking about, I would love to see like, it seems like they wouldn't know what to do. Like, well, wait a minute. This is, where's all the trouble? I miss the trouble. I need the trouble. Exactly. I need the trouble. I need the drama. And look, a lot of us don't actually want what we claim we want because then we would feel differently and our life would change and our friendships would change and our family relationships would change. And becoming more empowered in this area of our life or really area, is a journey. And people would rather take the medication or not make the journey and come up with an excuse as to why they can't do it. Because

Starting point is 00:40:53 again, there's this hedonist inside all of us that would just kind of wants to be a bystander. I just want to be a passive observer in my life rather than an active participant. What's something else that trips people up or gets them in trouble in relationships that we haven't talked about yet? Yeah, there's another important point here I call two bad choices. And it's a double bind that a lot of people get in. So let's say a listener is finding themselves relating to this and they're like, oh, I kind of avoiding conflict. Because there's a lot of people that avoid conflict and which we haven't talked about. And people avoid conflict because of these two bad choices. So choice A is, well, if I speak up and I say the uncomfortable thing, it's not

Starting point is 00:41:35 probably not going to go well and the other person might get mad and it might get worse and they might go away. That's choice A and that's how people see it in their mind if they speak up. Choice B is I won't speak up. I won't do anything. I'll just kind of keep silent. I'll minimize the problem. And it's not that big of a deal. I'm probably making too much out of this. So I won't say anything. Well, choice B is betray yourself. So you're leaving yourself behind. So choice A is do you want to risk losing the relationship on the outside? Or choice B is do you want to lose the relationship on the inside? And so people just sit on their butts and don't take action because both feel bad. Both choices are like, oh, I don't like either one of those.

Starting point is 00:42:20 So I'm just going to choose nothing, which is kind of a choice B. And once people start to see this, they're like, oh, you know what? That's terrible. I don't want to create an inner conflict, create another conflict by not saying anything. Because when you don't say something, you've just created another conflict in yourself now that you have to deal with because it didn't go anywhere. You're withholding your true expression or your opinion or how you see it. You're stuffing that, right? That has nowhere

Starting point is 00:42:46 to go except inside of you. And that piles up over time and it builds resentment over time, which usually comes out sideways. So I always encourage, all right, if you see the two bad choices, obviously choice A, at least you get to include yourself. And yeah, you might lose that relationship. That that might it might get worse temporarily that person might go away but at least you have yourself and that leads to those are some of the stepping stones toward toward having more fulfilling relationships because you can't have a fulfilling relationship when you're leaving your expression behind right one of the things i think people struggle with, though, is, as you say, you know, people

Starting point is 00:43:28 avoid conflict. And sometimes it's hard to know because you don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill over every little thing. So, okay, so let's just let this one pass. Let's let, so, like, where's the line? At what point do you stop letting things pass? Because you don't want to make a big deal out of every little slight, every little thing, because, you know, you gotta, you gotta take your lumps in a relationship. It seems to just happen, but where's the line? Yeah, I have a little different philosophy. I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to leave any little interaction that didn't feel good not talked about. I want to talk about all the things. That's how I am. Now, that might not be how you are or other people prefer it because it feels like so much work to bring it up all the time. And it feels challenging. And it's like, I don't want more challenge in my life. So I just won't say anything this time. I think the, which is again, it's fine.

Starting point is 00:44:30 You can do that. There's just a cost. There's always a cost to whatever we're doing. And the cost is if you keep doing that and it's a pattern, you're not speaking up about the pattern. This thing keeps happening, but you don't say anything, that's going to turn into a resentment guaranteed. So an example would be like, if you just roll your eyes at me once, I'm going to probably let that go. Not a big deal. But if you continue to roll your eyes at me every time I express my feelings, right? And it goes on for months and years. Clearly, I'm going to feel so dismissed inside, but I'm going to get used to you rolling your eyes at me. So there's two directions that goes.

Starting point is 00:45:11 I get used to it and it doesn't bother me anymore. So it's like I've built up a sort of a tolerance to it. Or the other direction is I get more hurt every time you roll your eyes at me. I get hurt again and again. And the more I don't say anything, the more I'm hurting myself. And then I've trained my partner that it's okay to roll your eyes at me or make a sarcastic jab at me or whatever. And you sort of train people what you tolerate and you let people treat you that way unless you speak up. So I'm a big fan of teaching people how to speak up

Starting point is 00:45:45 and encouraging speaking up more often than not. It's fine to let things slide once in a while, but overall you want the kind of friendships and relationships where, hey, if something doesn't feel good here, we deal with it. We don't brush it aside. Well, I think this is some really insightful advice to help people who, you know, sometimes struggle with relationships. We don't brush it aside. Well, I think this is some really insightful advice to help people who, you know, sometimes struggle with relationships. They want them to work, but they don't deal with conflict well, and they're just not sure what to do. Jason Gaddis has been my guest. He is a relationship teacher, coach, and founder of The Relationship School, and he's author of the book Getting to Zero, How to Work Through Conflict

Starting point is 00:46:26 in Your High-Stakes Relationships. And there's a link to his book and to The Relationship School in the show notes. I appreciate you coming on. Thanks, Jason. Mike, it's been a pleasure. Thanks a lot for interviewing me here.

Starting point is 00:46:38 It's been fun. You are well aware, I'm sure, that it can be very expensive to heat your home in the winter. So where does the heat go? Well, you've probably figured out that heat can seep out through windows and doors, but it has other escape routes as well. For example, about 2% of your heat loss goes through your electric outlets. A big one is the access hatches in your ceiling

Starting point is 00:47:06 that open up into an unheated attic. You can lose quite a bit of heat that way. Recessed lights, wiring, and plumbing all leak out heat. Fireplace dampers and chimneys leak out heat. Air leaks from fans and vents. About 10% of your heat loss is from windows and another 10% from the doors in your house. If you think your door is secure, try the dollar test. Put a dollar bill over the threshold of a door, close the door,

Starting point is 00:47:37 and if you can pull the bill out, there's too much space. Consider this, a 1-8 inch gap under a 36 inch wide door will let in as much cold air as a two and a half inch hole punched in the wall. And that is something you should know. You know, we are on Facebook and we invite you to come over there and follow us on Facebook. We post things that remind you of episodes that have been published that you might not have heard. And it's just a good way to keep up with what's going on here. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Hey, hey, are you ready for some real talk and some fantastic laughs?

Starting point is 00:48:19 Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? We're serving up for hilarious shows every week designed to entertain and engage and, you know, possibly enrage you. In Don't Blame Me, we dive deep into listeners' questions, offering advice that's funny, relatable, and real. Whether you're dealing with relationship drama or you just need a friend's perspective, we've got you. Then switch gears with But Am I Wrong?, which is for listeners who didn't take our advice and want to know if they are the villains in the situation. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events and present situations that we might even be wrong in our lives.

Starting point is 00:48:53 Spoiler alert, we are actually quite literally never wrong. But wait, there's more. Check out See You Next Tuesday, where we reveal the juicy results from our listener polls from But Am I Wrong. And don't miss Fisting Friday, where we catch up, chat about pop culture, TV and movies. It's the perfect way to kick off your weekend. So if you're looking for a podcast that feels like a chat with your besties, listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Hi, this is Rob Benedict. And I am Richard Spate. We were both on a little show you might know called Supernatural.

Starting point is 00:49:32 It had a pretty good run, 15 seasons, 327 episodes. And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll of course have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field

Starting point is 00:50:01 choice in the best way possible. The note from Kripke was, he's great, we love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent Duchovny type. With 15 seasons to explore, it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes. So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now.

Something You Should Know - Everyday Health Hacks & A New Approach to Conflict

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.