Something You Should Know - How to Better Deal with People & The Power of Profanity

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Starting point is 00:00:27 Download June's Journey now on Android or iOS. Today on Something You Should Know, why a bump on the head may be a bigger deal than you realize. Then a better way to handle disputes, negotiations, and conflicts in everyday life from one of the leading experts. I was mediating in a big political dispute. I had a meeting with the president of Venezuela. And what I learned then and there was that the greatest power that we have in a negotiation, in any conflict situation, is the power not to react.

Starting point is 00:01:01 Also, what's the connection between watching TV as a kid and going to jail? And profanity. People swear a lot, and still it can be shocking. The reason we can cause shock has to do with a signal of disrespect that we give. So by uttering a swear word in a polite context, the people that we're talking to know that we know it's an offensive word, and we're using it anyway. All this today on Something You Should Know. At New Balance, we believe if you run, you're a runner, however you choose to do it. Because when you're not worried about doing things the right way, you're free to discover your way.

Starting point is 00:01:49 And that's what running's all about. Run your way at NewBalance.com slash running. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life today something you should know with mike carothers hi and welcome if you think back over your life i'm sure there have been times when you've taken a real hit to the head. Either you've fallen down and smacked your head on something, or someone hit you by accident, or maybe not by accident, but we've all taken hits to the head.

Starting point is 00:02:35 And we tend to brush off those mild head traumas as no big deal, but it turns out they may be more serious than you realize. Some years ago, the Wall Street Journal did a story on how undiagnosed head trauma could be a factor in homelessness, drug addiction, depression, and other emotional problems. So if you notice a change in mood or behavior in yourself or someone you know after a hit to the head, you really should see a doctor because treatments are often available and you could save yourself a whole lot of trouble. And that is something you should know.

Starting point is 00:03:13 Maybe you've heard the saying, or some variation of it, that life would be so much easier if it weren't for people. Every day we have to deal with people, prod them, argue with them, work with them, negotiate and try to get along with them. And it's often difficult, particularly now when it seems like we live in a time when people seem less courteous and accommodating. Wouldn't it be great to be better able to deal with the people and the conflicts and the negotiations of life? Well, here to help you do that is William Ury. William is considered one of the leading experts on negotiation and conflict. He's consulted for the White House, the State Department, the Pentagon,

Starting point is 00:03:55 dozens of Fortune 500 companies, and he is author of a book called Possible, How We Survive and Thrive in an Age of Conflict. Hi, William. Welcome to Something You Should Know. It's a pleasure, Mike. So you've been looking at conflict and negotiation from all levels, from high up on top at the government level all the way down. What is your take on this? Are we more polarized and conflicted?

Starting point is 00:04:21 Is it today just more difficult dealing with people than it used to be? We need to put it in perspective. If you actually ask most Americans, for example, the polls show that most Americans still believe that most Americans agree more than they disagree. Most Americans believe it's possible to actually have to disagree in a agreeable fashion, you know, without being disagreeable, in other words, in a healthy, conflictual fashion. So I think there's hope for us. And that's why I'm a possibilist. You know, people often ask me, you know, after 20, you know, 45 years of wandering around dealing with some of the toughest conflicts from strikes to boardroom battles, to family feuds to

Starting point is 00:05:05 wars. Are you still an optimist or are you a pessimist? And I like to say, actually, I'm a possibilist. I actually believe in human potential to deal with our differences because I've seen it happen with my own eyes. I've seen people rise to the occasion and conflict can bring out the worst in us, but it can also bring out the best in us. And I really do believe it's possible. Well, it's interesting that you say that people think we can live with our differences and that we agree more than we disagree. Because it doesn't seem that way a lot of the time. It seems very much the opposite. That's true.

Starting point is 00:05:43 That's true. That's true. And I think it's actually accentuated, amplified by the way in which we're communicating. A lot of it's through social media these days. And the algorithms of social media, they're looking for engagement and conflict, negative conflict, destructive conflict, enhances engagement. So they amplify it.

Starting point is 00:06:00 And so it's both true and the perception is probably even more so than the reality. Because the reality is I think most Americans, most people just want to get along with their neighbors. And we're not going to get rid of conflicts, nor should we, because we need actually healthy conflict. It's good for relationships. It helps us grow. It helps us evolve. It's at the heart of our democracy. It's at the heart of our economy. But we need, the choice is really not about whether to get rid of conflict or not. It's whether do we handle the conflict destructively through fights, through lawsuits, through vicious arguments, through not talking with each other, as you mentioned, or whether we can do it

Starting point is 00:06:43 constructively by listening to each other, by honest, open dialogue and through constructive, creative negotiation. So when people have conflict, the assumption I think generally for those of us who are not in the business like you, think that if you have a conflict, what you now must do is resolve it. That conflict is something to fix, and very often the fix is a compromise. Neither one of us are going to get what we want. I'll take a hit. If you'll take a hit and then we'll be okay.

Starting point is 00:07:20 There's a story about two sisters who are quarreling about an orange and they quarrel about an orange and they quarrel about the orange. So they decide, okay, we'll divide the orange in half. And one sister takes her half and uses, eats half the fruit and throws away the peel. And the other one takes her half, throws away the fruit and uses half the peel for baking a cake. That's a compromise, right? They compromise on dividing it in half. But in fact, through creative negotiation, if you'd ask the simple question, why do you want the orange? Well, I want it for cooking. I want it for eating. Then you can end up with a whole peel for one and a whole fruit for the

Starting point is 00:08:00 other. And I think that's the promise of negotiation is to really make it into a creative exercise of using our full potential to look for ways not just to divide up a fixed pie, but how do we expand the pie before we divide it up? Well, there does seem to be a difference between that kind of negotiation where you're negotiating about something rather than disagreeing about your philosophy on life or your political views? Because it seems like that's going to go nowhere. The thing that's missing is we think of negotiation or we think of dealing with conflict as talking, right? And I think actually negotiation is much more about listening. There's a reason why we're given two ears and one mouth for a reason, which is to listen twice as much as we

Starting point is 00:08:51 talk. And the most successful negotiators I know, and everyone is a negotiator, by the way, it's not like it's a specialty. Every one of us negotiates every day. If you think about it, it's just back and forth communication, trying to reach agreement. You've got some issue and you might be negotiating with your kid or your coworker or your colleague or your friend or a customer. But in that broad sense of the term, when I ask people, they say, well, we negotiate all the time. You negotiate with yourself. So in that broad sense of the term, what's missing to me is something that, again, is inherent in us, which of the term, what's missing to me is like something that, again, is inherent in us, which is the ability to listen, to listen to your neighbor, to listen, for example, if someone has a different political view, just listen to them, hear them out, and then be curious.

Starting point is 00:09:37 I would say one of the best mottos is meet animosity with curiosity in other words just bring just ask them some questions why do you think that's so and and uh and that's the key is um is to is to be open to be curious to ask questions and to listen because what might happen if i if i disagree with you politically and I say so tell me why you believe that what's the what's the hoped for outcome for one thing at the underlying all of this is human beings want respect and respect comes from the latin respect re is again and spect is like spectacles it's to see again they want want to be seen. They want to be heard. And if you hear them and you're curious, what I find is they relax. They feel respected. Even if you don't agree with them, they feel like, oh, okay, you acknowledge that they have a point of view, maybe a valid point of view, even if you disagree with it.

Starting point is 00:10:39 There's a difference between agreeing and acknowledging the validity. You can acknowledge that, yeah, you've got a point of view. I can understand how you see it that way. I happen to see it differently. And then suddenly you're in a better relationship with each other. So you can disagree without being disagreeable. And the point of the exercise can be, let's see if we can agree about where we agree and where we disagree. In other words, second order agreement. We don't have to agree on everything. That's not what life's about. I'm an anthropologist by training and conflict is natural. It's part of life. We're going to always have disagreements. In fact, that's what makes things work is we have diversity of perspectives and that's where we can

Starting point is 00:11:21 have a rich conversation. So it can be stimulating. Some of the best conversations I've had are with people with whom I have profound disagreements. And you resist the urge to say, well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. No, that's the thing. I'd say the lesson I've learned most is that the biggest obstacle to getting what I want in a negotiation, in any conflict situation, however small, home, work, wherever, the biggest obstacle is not what I think it is. We tend to think it's that difficult person, that difficult person on the other side of the table. Well, guess what? It's the difficult person on this side of the table. It's me. It's the person I look at in the mirror every morning. It's our own very human, very natural, very understandable tendency to react. In other words, to act without thinking,

Starting point is 00:12:18 to react out of fear, to react out of anger, to react out of umbrage, to, you know, some kind, it's that quick reaction. And as the old saying goes, when you're angry, you will make the best speech you will ever regret. And, you know, you'll send the best email you'll ever regret. And the key, what I've found is to step back from the situation, pause, don't react in that moment. It's the ability to go to a balcony. It's almost like you're negotiating on a stage, and part of you goes to a mental and emotional balcony, which is a place of calm and perspective,

Starting point is 00:12:57 where you can keep your eyes on the prize and see the larger picture. Balcony is the foundation of successful negotiation. When people hear about negotiation, a lot of people run the other way and they think that a good negotiator, somebody who's good at it is slippery. You know, it's that used car guy that's like, you know, he's got tricks. It's a tricking thing. It's not what you're talking about. I know that's a common perception of negotiation. And the thing I have to tell you is that having been in this business for many, many decades, the most successful negotiators I know, interestingly, what they prize the most is their reputation for honesty and fair dealing.

Starting point is 00:13:47 Now, why would that be? Because after all, you could, of course, manipulate or deceive or be slippery. And yeah, likely you might put something over on someone once. But the thing is, the word gets around, you get a reputation for being slippery. And then as we know with, you know, like used cars or whatever, you know, no one wants to deal with you. Or if they're going to deal with you, they're going to deal with you at arm's length. And they're certainly not going to share their interests with you. But if they trust you and you're honest and you deal fairly with each other, people will open up,

Starting point is 00:14:24 they'll tell you what they actually want. You're more likely to get a superior deal in that sense. You're more able to expand the pie, come up with an optimum deal. And you're able to do it faster because you can operate hundreds, thousands of negotiations that we're going to engage in the course of our lives. So paradoxically enough, the best negotiators I know, that's what they prize. Honesty, fair dealing, be trustworthy, be trust-willing. We're discussing the art of dealing with people in conflict, in negotiation, and in everyday life. And my guest is William Ury, author of the book Possible, How We Survive and Thrive in an Age of Conflict. This winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter Airlines. Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter fares include beer, wine, and snacks,

Starting point is 00:15:28 and free fast-streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit flyporter.com and actually enjoy economy. This is an ad for better help. Welcome to the world. And actually enjoy economy. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp Online Therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's BetterHelp.com. So, William, we often hear, in terms of negotiating, we hear things like, well, we need a win-win outcome here. We need a win-win. Is that what we need? A win-win? We do need a win-win in the sense of, it's not Pollyannish in the sense of, okay, you get everything you want and they get everything that they want. But a win means that you get your interest, your basic interest satisfied. They get their basic interest satisfied. And certainly better than the alternative, you know, because in negotiation, you always want to think through what we call your BATNA, which is B-A-T-N-A, which stands for your best alternative to a negotiated agreement.

Starting point is 00:16:56 You know, what are you going to do to satisfy your interest if for some reason you cannot reach agreement? If you can't reach agreement on this particular salary with a prospective job, are you going to go for another job? What's your alternative? Having a good BATNA gives you confidence, gives you power in that negotiation. So a genuine win-win is something that satisfies your interest better than you could by not negotiating and better than they could by not negotiating. And I would even be more audacious these days because I think we need to go for what I would call a triple win or a win-win-win, which is a win for both parties, but also a win for the surrounding community, be it a win for the family or a win for the workplace, a win for the

Starting point is 00:17:42 work team, a win for the society. We need to pay attention to those around us and we need that third win. Otherwise, it's not sustainable. It's sometimes, I don't know if you've ever been in that situation where when negotiations get difficult and so it becomes more about just getting the other guy, you just want to walk away and say, screw you. And then if you do that, you oftentimes regret it. It felt good in the moment, but it turned out to be not such a great strategy. That's exactly right.

Starting point is 00:18:19 It's kind of like they say about a marriage. Either you can be happy or you can be right, but you can't be both. And yeah, you can win a battle and maybe feel good in the moment. But then in the long term, these people, we have ongoing relationships. And even if we never see them again, we have reputations and they affect our other negotiations. So yeah, in the end, it may feel temporarily more satisfying to say, screw you. That's your initial reaction. That's why it's so important to be able to go to the balcony. That's why it's so important to kind of pause for a moment because on the balcony, you ask yourself, what's in my real interest here? You know, once, you know, I was engaged, I was mediating in a big political

Starting point is 00:19:12 dispute down in Venezuela and I had a meeting with the president of Venezuela and he got irate at me because for something, he started shouting at me, shouting and shouting and shouting. And of course, I felt embarrassed. I was flustered in front of his entire cabinet. And I felt like reacting and saying, screw you, just like you're saying, whatever. But then I caught myself and I said, wait a minute, why am I here? I'm here to kind of calm the situation down here. I pinched the palm of my hand, which gave me a little temporary pain and alert, just helped me go to the balcony. And I realized, is it going to get me do any good to get into an argument with the president of Venezuela? Is that going to help things? And I realized it wouldn't. So I just bit my tongue and I listened. And he proceeded to shout at me for,

Starting point is 00:19:54 you know, 30 minutes, but I was just listening to him from that balcony perspective. And then because I wasn't feeding him fuel, he kind of started to kind of wind down and I watched his shoulders sink, his body language. And then he finally said to me, so Yuri, what should I do? And that is the sound of a human mind opening. And then I said, you know, Mr. President, it's Christmas. Everyone's, you know, the family festivities have been canceled. Just give everyone a break for three weeks. Let the whole country go to the balcony, as it were, and propose a truce. And he looked at me for a moment and he said, you know what?

Starting point is 00:20:33 That's a great idea. I'm going to propose that in my next speech. And he clapped me on the back. His mood had completely shifted. And what I learned then and there was that the greatest power that we have in a negotiation in any conflict situation is the power not to react but to go to the balcony instead to stop pause ask what you really want what's in your real interest yeah hard to do in the moment but but you know and that's you know i think people have this sense that someone like you, someone who's an experienced negotiator, has some special quality that you can get yelled at by the president of Venezuela for half an hour and keep your cool.

Starting point is 00:21:21 And most of us probably couldn't. And that there is some special je ne sais quoi that you have. Well, this is what I would say. I would say, I understand that, but we all have it. This is the secret.

Starting point is 00:21:38 It's in every one of us. You can all think, you know, if you think about it, every one of us has our favorite ways of going to the balcony. Some people just take a deep breath. Some people pinch the palm of their hand.

Starting point is 00:21:52 Some people count to 10. Some people take a break. I love to go for walks, walks in nature. They kind of like settle my nervous system. Some people like to go work out, go for a run, have a cup of coffee with a friend. Whatever it takes just brings you back into a clear, calmer mood where you can actually ask yourself the question of, what do I really want here? What's in my long-term interest? Is it really going to do me good if I get into an argument with my spouse or my business partner, what do I really want here and what's going to get me there?

Starting point is 00:22:29 And that, I think, is essential. And that's in every one of us. It's our birthright. We're born with it. We just need to develop it. you know, friends, husband, wife, lovers, that kind of thing where you're, you go to the balcony because you're upset and you don't want to say anything. And, and, and then there's often that tendency to never say anything, to let it just kind of go and, and, but it's still there. It's simmering, but it's, so it's not right in the forefront anymore. And if you keep going to the

Starting point is 00:23:03 balcony with all these things that are building up and the resentments building up and you never say anything, it seems like a recipe for trouble. That's a great point. So this is the thing. When we are in conflict, we often fall into what I would call the 3A trap. The first A is avoid. And that's, I'm not talking about avoidance here. You know, that's what you're talking about. Like you never bring it up. It stew A is avoid. And I'm not talking about avoidance here. That's what you're talking about. You never bring it up. It stews with you. It doesn't solve anything. The second A is attack. We go on the attack and then we regret it because like an eye for an eye, we all go blind.

Starting point is 00:23:41 And the third A is for accommodate or appease. We give in, which also is not satisfying. So what's the way out of the 3A trap? It's actually to engage. It's to actually lean into the situation. It's the exact opposite of avoiding. You just go to the balcony at first to think about what you want, but then you come off the balcony, you go back right on the stage, right? It's not like you stay on the balcony.

Starting point is 00:24:06 You go back to the stage, but go back to the stage with your better self, knowing exactly what you want. You're going to be much better able to achieve what you want. So it's about leaning into conflict with curiosity. It's about actually embracing conflict with creativity. It's about transforming conflict, changing the form from destructive to constructive with collaboration. Well, you have such an interesting and distinctive and different view of conflict and negotiation and how to resolve all that. I really enjoy talking to you. William Ury has been my guest. He's considered one of the leading experts on negotiation and conflict resolution.

Starting point is 00:24:49 He has consulted the White House, the State Department, the Pentagon, and he's author of a book called Possible, How We Survive and Thrive in an Age of Conflict. And there's a link to his book at Amazon in the show notes. Appreciate you coming on. Thanks, William. Thanks, Mike. It's been a great pleasure. Metrolinks and Crosslinks are reminding everyone to be careful as Eglinton Crosstown LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert as trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals. Be careful along our tracks, and only make left turns where it's safe to do so.

Starting point is 00:25:28 Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. This episode is brought to you by Melissa and Doug. Wooden puzzles and building toys for problem solving and arts and crafts for creative thinking, Melissa and Doug makes toys that help kids take on the world. Because the way they play today shapes who they become tomorrow. Melissa and Doug, the play is pretend, the skills are real. Look for Melissa and Doug wherever you shop for toys. Certainly swearing today is much more acceptable than it used to be,

Starting point is 00:26:06 almost to the point of it being mainstream. Is that a good thing? Doesn't swearing lose some of its value and effect if everybody does it and fewer people are offended by it? Or maybe the purpose of swearing has changed. Well, here to take a look at why we swear and how swearing has changed and what the future holds for it is Rebecca Roach. She is a senior lecturer in philosophy at Royal Holloway at the University of London and author of a book, For F Sake,

Starting point is 00:26:39 Why Swearing is Shocking, Rude and Fun. Hi, Rebecca. Welcome to Something You Should Know. Hi, I'm happy to be here. Thanks for having me. So I would imagine that swearing has been around for as long as people have been talking. You know, as long as there have been words, there have probably been swear words. There's a great book by Melissa Moore on swearing and she tells us in her book that there's instances of swearing on Roman toilet walls so it has been it has been around for quite a while and swearing is only swearing if generally everybody agrees you shouldn't say it and that it's wrong it's it's naughty it's got something bad about it because if it isn't then it isn't swearing yeah yeah i think there's there's a few things that contribute to a words

Starting point is 00:27:34 being a swear word all cultures have taboos which are words or topics or behaviors that are sort of maybe not actually formally illegal, but which are sort of frowned upon. People prefer you don't utter them or engage in them or whatever. And swearing is a form of taboo in that we're not supposed to swear in polite company. Swear words themselves tend to focus on taboo topics. So, you know, around the world, swear words tend to be words to do with toilet matters, sex, blasphemy, a few other things. It also tends to be language that we use to express emotion. You know, when we're really angry or when we're surprised, we might utter a swear word or when we're in pain as well.

Starting point is 00:28:25 So there's this little cluster of, I mean, I haven't gone through the whole lot, but there's a cluster of features, I think, that make a word a swear word. In my lifetime, I have seen swear words become less shocking that over the last several decades, it does seem, I can remember as a kid, if somebody had spray painted the F word on a wall, it'd be a news story. It would be like, people would be outraged. I see that all the time now. Nobody cares. It's like we've been desensitized to it. And the other example, I was talking the other day because your book had arrived

Starting point is 00:29:07 and you can see the swear words on the cover of your book even though there's asterisks. But there was a time where no book would ever do that. But there's lots of books now that do that in their title. So it's not as shocking anymore

Starting point is 00:29:23 to see it. It's just, there's just a, like, well, he's swearing. People seem to accept it more now, right? I think, well, I think there's a couple of things to say. So one is that the offensiveness of individual swear words rises and falls over time and it tracks what's most important culturally so uh gone with the wind which you know the movie of gone with the wind which was released in 1939 it contains that that famous line frankly my dear i don't give a damn and at the time that was really shocking you know there was a discussion about whether that line should even be included in the movie. And there was, you know, suggestions that maybe maybe Rhett Butler could say, frankly, my dear, I don't give a hoot.

Starting point is 00:30:15 So so that was really regarded as quite powerful language, whereas today that just sounds super tame. If you were going to remake that movie, you would have him say a different word. So, I mean, you might view that as, you know, damn is obviously a blasphemy term. And perhaps the explanation for why we're more tolerant of that these days is that, you know, societies like the US and the UK, we've become more secular over the years. Not wholly secular, but more so. I mean, our rudest swear words now are, as you say, the F word and I guess generally words that have a sexual theme. But actually before Victorian times, those words were less shocking. I mean, they were still vulgar, but they weren't the

Starting point is 00:31:07 powerful swear words that we think of them today. So I think that's one point. The individual words that shock us the most changes over time. And I think today, if you really wanted to cause offence, then you would utter sort of racist language or homophobic language, you know, what we'd call slurs. So the sort of language that denigrates an entire group of people. Whereas a few decades ago, you could sort of drop a bit of casual racism into conversation, even polite conversation. Do you know if there have been recent surveys to gauge people's temperature about whether they like to hear other people swear. Because it really seems situational to me. Like if I'm with people or if I'm with my wife and we're somewhere where people are just swearing like crazy, it's offensive and really

Starting point is 00:32:01 unnecessary. But I sometimes swear too. but I do it with certain people and I don't let strangers hear me. And, but I would just wonder how do people generally feel about it? So there's a, an organization in the UK called Ofcom, which is a sort of a broadcasting regulator. So they will, they will fine TV stations for broadcasting, swearing inappropriately, things like that. And once every decade or so, they do a public survey to find out what people's attitudes are towards different words. And it's really interesting to go and look at these, you know, the different reports over the years, because you can see that people's tolerance for slur terms, you know, sort of racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist language has, you know, people are much less tolerant of that than they would have been

Starting point is 00:32:56 a few decades ago. People in these surveys that Ofcom conduct say that they're more tolerant of swearing when it's sort of unplanned. Like if somebody hits their thumb with a hammer by accident and swears sort of unthinkingly, that that's more acceptable to people than when they're sort of choosing their words consciously. So there's a bit of tolerance for just a sort of impulsive swearing. People are, some of it's just common sense, people are less tolerant of repeated swearing than, you know, sort of one-off instances. It is not uncommon to hear people swear a lot. And an example, I go to a gym and there's often these two guys in there. Every other word as they're talking to each other is the F word.

Starting point is 00:33:48 And it has two effects on me. One is these guys must not be that bright that they can't think of other words to say besides the F word. But also, the swearing loses some of its pizzazz because if you swear so much that every other word is a swear word, it has no, the impact is gone. There is evidence for what you've just said there. The thought that the more you swear, the less power the swear words have. A psychologist in the UK called Richard Stevens and his colleagues ran a few experiments which found that swearing helps us withstand pain. So they had their subjects hold a hand in a bucket of icy water, which apparently is painful if could hold their hand there, or they could say benign words like table, or they could swear. And what they found is that when people were allowed

Starting point is 00:34:54 to swear, they were able to hold their hand in the icy water for longer. And the thought was that swearing, there's some sort of chemical explanation to do with, I think it's to do with the release of adrenaline when we swear that can help us withstand pain. But they did find that this only works if people are fairly selective about when they swear in their day to day lives. So people that swear all the time don't enjoy this benefit. It's just too, I guess it just becomes another part of language, But I never do because language like that, there's kind of a connection. People who swear like that might hit you, you know, that they're not dainty people. American, a late American philosopher, Joel Feinberg, who wrote a huge book on offense and how the law should get involved in situations where people are offended. And one thing he says is that any breach of etiquette, which includes swearing in a polite context, can alarm us,

Starting point is 00:36:20 right? Because we have this fear that, oh God, if this person is going to break this rule, what else might they do? So there's this sort of anything goes attitude, right? But I think also, I mean, it is quite complex. I think especially when it comes to younger people, teenagers, they will reach an age where they want to sort of, they want to push boundaries and show that they're willing to break rules and signal this about themselves. And swearing can be a fairly benign way to do that. You know, it's probably if a 13-year-old wants to show that they're not a baby anymore, then checking a few swear words into conversation is probably preferable to some of the things that they could do to show that they don't care about the

Starting point is 00:37:07 rules. Right. Well, what you were saying about, you know, people who swear less often, my, my dad never swore except maybe I can maybe think of three times in his life that he said something, the S word or something. And boy did you notice because he never swore his whole life. But so if he actually resorted to swearing, you know, you better pay attention. Something's wrong. And it worked. Yeah. Yeah. And that you're reminding me of an anecdote in the army where swearing was apparently very common.

Starting point is 00:37:47 The command to get your rifles would generally be, as part of a drill, accompanied by the F word. And then on one occasion, when it wasn't a drill, there was an actual need to get their rifles, the command was given without the F word. So it was just get your rifles. And that omission of the swear word had the same effect that you're describing when hearing your father swearing. So it's just like, wow, there's something going on, right? It's a diversion from the norm. So it's kind of interesting. It's almost the reverse. But in both cases, there's a signal that something strange is going on, right? One of the interesting things I find about swear words is what they have in common with

Starting point is 00:38:29 Christmas carols in the sense that there are hardly ever any new ones. And I've always assumed that the reason that is, is, you know, you can come up with a new word for anything, but it's very hard to come up with a new word and create a taboo around it. Like, it's hard to build that up. So that's why you don't get many new ones. Yeah, yeah. what does give swearing its power, that it's not about the words, or it's not about those particular sounds in that particular order, or those particular letters in that particular order. I think the reason we can cause shock when we utter a swear word inappropriately has to do

Starting point is 00:39:19 with a signal of disrespect that we give. So by uttering a swear word in a polite context, the people that we're talking to know that we know it's an offensive word and we're using it anyway, regardless of what they might think about it. And so the message they receive from that is that we don't respect them very much. We might even be contemptuous of them. And we signal all that just from our choice of using a particular word. Now, you can invent a new word and say, let's make this into a swear word. But in order for that to happen, you would have to do quite a bit of social engineering. You'd have to get everybody on board with, okay, whenever anyone says this word, they don't respect you, which is one thing to recognise rationally, but to have that emotional

Starting point is 00:40:06 connection with it, you know, when somebody utters a swear word unexpectedly in a completely inappropriate context, it's not that just that we rationally see that they've said something that we shouldn't, that they shouldn't have said. We also respond emotionally, right? There's this sort of pearl-clutching response, you know, like, oh my God, what did they just say? You know, you sort of respond emotionally and that's much more immediate. So I think that's quite difficult to engineer. Well, it's interesting too that when you say a swear word, like if you're mad at somebody and you throw out the F word or the S word or whatever it is, you're not referencing the actual meaning of that word. You're not even thinking of what that word really means historically.

Starting point is 00:40:52 It's just the sound of the word that's expressing anger or whatever, but has nothing to do with the actual meaning of the word. Yeah, yeah, that's true. There was a paper written a few decades ago by a linguist called James McCauley. And he was writing under a pseudonym, which I'm not going to say because it will sound like a swear word. But he wrote this whole paper about the F word. And his argument was that it basically, there's two ways of using it there's one way in which you can use it sort of more or less like a just like a regular verb um and then there's another way of using it where it's just it's kind of like a scream it's just you're sort of letting off steam

Starting point is 00:41:37 and he analyzed that use of it and showed that it has all these weird properties it just doesn't behave linguistically like other words. So, yeah, I mean, they have this double life because they do have that. They are, in a sense, words that refer to taboo topics. But as you say, they're also the way that we use them is often nonsensical. The linguist Jeffrey Nunberg has said swear words are more like screams than utterances. Oh, I like that. Yeah, that's right.

Starting point is 00:42:08 That's exactly right. You're just making a sound and everyone has come to agree that that sound has this taboo meaning to it that makes it all the more powerful. But it's just a sound. Well, yes and no. So I think it's not just the sound of it it's it's it's something else it's the it's the intention the this the signal of disrespect that we give out when we use it which is actually i mean it's it's more complicated than that because i think it's it's not that the sound is irrelevant you know swear words have to be well suited for the way

Starting point is 00:42:43 that we use them so they have to be things that's kind of reasonably satisfying to utter when you're in pain or when you're angry or whatever. So that's probably not going to be a need that is satisfied by a word that is eight syllables long and contains lots of sort of soft consonant sounds. I mean, that's just not going to be very satisfying to say. So I think the sound is not irrelevant, but also it's not simply that we object to certain sounds. Yeah, but a lot of, I mean, I don't know if a lot. If you say, if you're mad at somebody and you say F you, I don't even know what that means. When you take it literally, it has really no meaning. And yet, you know, the thought is at some point that sort of language became less offensive. And so it sort of saying that expression was just less

Starting point is 00:43:59 satisfying. So the way that people responded is to say, okay, well, you know, the word damn is not very powerful anymore. So let's replace it with something that is. So you then end up with the expression, as you say, F you, which makes no sense. But we kind of know, you know, somebody says that to you, you're not left scratching your head, wondering what they mean. You know, there's a sense in which we know exactly what it means. OK, but but but I'm always dumbfounded. I have no idea when you take the F word and put the word mother in front of it. I have no idea what that means.

Starting point is 00:44:33 People use it all the time. But what is that? There is an explanation about what that means, which I'm not going to give because I don't know if I can remember it correctly. There are people that write on this very interestingly, though. But yeah, I think what you're saying there illustrates a really interesting point about taboos, which is that it often doesn't matter if you don't know what it means. There's a book by a couple of, I think they're psychologists, Alan and Burridge, who wrote a book about taboos.

Starting point is 00:45:00 And one thing they say is this. They use the example of the taboo of throwing salt. If you spill salt, throwing a pinch of salt over your shoulder. And, you know, they make the point that plenty of people do this having no idea why, you know, what's the story there. And the story is that it's, you know, there used to be this spiritual significance to salt and it was also sort of super expensive. And when you spilt it, you used to throw it over your shoulder to land in the eye of the devil, which kind of makes sense. I mean, it invokes questionable beliefs about what's going on behind you, but it makes sense. You know, you can tell a story about what's going on,

Starting point is 00:45:39 but that still, that taboo or that ritual still has meaning to people, even though the original story about it is long forgotten. And the same is true of swear words. I think we care about the power that they give us to express certain things. But in plenty of cases, we don't know. Even as the example you've just mentioned illustrates, we might not even know what they mean. Well, it is certainly a quirky part of the English language, but I guess every language has swear words in them because swearing is what people do.

Starting point is 00:46:15 I've been speaking with Rebecca Roach, who is a senior lecturer in philosophy at Royal Holloway at the University of London and author of the book For F's Sake, Why Swearing is Shocking, Rude and Fun. And if you'd like to read it and like to know what the real title is, you can click on the link to Amazon in the show notes.

Starting point is 00:46:36 Thank you, Rebecca. Thank you. It's been great talking to you. If you want to keep your kids out of jail, turn off the TV. Researchers in New Zealand say they found a direct correlation between too much TV in childhood and criminal convictions in adulthood. They followed a group of 1,000 children and tracked their TV habits. The more TV they watched between the ages of 5 and 15, the more likely they were to develop antisocial behavior

Starting point is 00:47:11 and wind up with a criminal record. And their odds increased by 30% with every additional hour of TV watched per weeknight. And that is something you should know. We need your help to grow our audience. It is the best thing you can do to help support this podcast is to recruit your friends and loved ones and ask them to listen, and hopefully they'll get hooked on it just like you.

Starting point is 00:47:37 I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Do you love Disney? Do you love Top Ten lists? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. The parks, the movies, the music, the food, the lore. There is nothing we don't cover on our show. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney-themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed. I had Danielle and Megan record some answers to

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Starting point is 00:48:34 So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a co-founder of the Go Kid Go Network. At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lightning, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. During her journey, Isla meets new friends, including King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, and learns valuable life lessons with every quest, sword fight, and dragon ride. Positive and uplifting stories remind us all about the importance of kindness, friendship,

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Something You Should Know - How to Better Deal with People & The Power of Profanity

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