Something You Should Know - How to Get People to Instantly Like You & How Complaining Makes You Stupid

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Staying at home with nowhere to go can certainly put you in a bad mood. So this episode begins with some scientifically proven ways to improve your mood right away. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4234616/Six-ways-make-happier.html Some people seem to just have that ability to just be likable. How do they do it? You are about to find out when you listen to my guest Nicholas Boothman, an expert on personal communication and author of the book How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less (https://amzn.to/2TYCK8J) Hand sanitizer is hard to come by. But you can make your own without too much trouble. In this episode you will hear a simple recipe from a former CDC official to make effective, homemade hand sanitizer. And you can find that recipe here: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-make-hand-sanitizer Complaining is a problem – whether you are a complainer or you live with one. In fact, complaining makes you stupid and ruins your chances for success. Trevor Blake author of the book, Three Simple Steps (http://amzn.to/2rmLFUw) explains some of the science behind complaining and why being around a complainer can suck the life right out of you. This Week’s Sponsors -Better Help. Get 10% off your first month by going to www.BetterHelp.com/sysk and use the promo code: sysk -Upstart. See how low your interest rate is at www.Upstart.com/something Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu.

She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, we start with some ways to improve your mood when you're stuck inside your house and can't go anywhere. Then, proven ways to get people to like you almost instantly. In technical terms, it's the quality and the quantity of the energy they give off, but it's basically their attitude more than anything else because your attitude not only drives your behavior it drives other people's behavior also how to make a quick easy

and effective homemade hand sanitizer and the negative power of complaining why you should stop complaining and stop being around people who do studies at the Stanford show that if you expose yourself to 30 minutes of complaining every day, it does physical damage to the brain. You know, people previously know that if they're around a complainant, they feel the energy seeping out of them. Well, we now know why that is the case, that complaining is doing physical damage. All this today on Something You Should Know.

People who listen to Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So, I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives and one I've started listening to called Intelligence

Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson, discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for.

Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts something you should know fascinating intel the world's top experts and practical advice you can use in your life today something you should know with mike carothers hi welcome to something you should know with all sitting around, not having a lot to do, I know it's making a lot of people grumpy and upset and depressed. And so a psychologist has come up with several scientifically proven activities that can boost your mood almost instantly. First of all, get up.

No snooze button, no staying in bed till the very last second. Just get up, open the curtains, let in the natural light, and get your day going. Listen to your favorite song. Scientists have found that listening to music changes the way we perceive the world for the better. Try to notice the good. It's easier to focus on what's wrong, but do the opposite and it will bring you joy. Laugh. Research shows that laughter soothes tension, improves your immune system, and even eases pain. See a friend. Maybe don't get too close, but see a friend or talk to a friend.

Friends make you feel good and they are good for you. And perform a random act of kindness. See a friend or talk to a friend. Friends make you feel good and they are good for you. And perform a random act of kindness. It stimulates the release of endorphins and there's a strong relationship between this type of activity and increased self-esteem and self-worth. And that is something you should know. You know how some people that you meet are just, they're just more likable. People are drawn to them.

They have that instant rapport thing. So how is it that they do that? And could you do that? Well, Nicholas Boothman thinks so. Nicholas has been mastering personal communication strategies for quite a while. And he is author of a book called How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. Hi, Nicholas.

Thank you. Good morning. Nice to talk to you. So it's interesting when I think about when I meet someone for the first time, there is that immediate judgment, that immediate sense of whether I like that person or not, right? That's what humans do. We make that instant judgment to some extent, right? The truth is that we decide how we feel about someone in the first two seconds of seeing them or hearing them if it's on the phone.

It's just part of the fight or flight response. So you can't really blame people for doing it. I mean, you can't stop them jumping to conclusions about you, but there's a lot you can do to adjust how they feel about you. And that idea that people like or don't like you within the first few seconds. So what's going on there? What makes that determination? Actually, the fight or flight response is four things in mammals. It's about safety. Am I safe or not? But we're actually deciding, do I eat it? Do I mate with it? Do I fight it or do I run for it? I mean, those are basically what we're deciding. And we just pick up signals from other people that tell us how we feel about them. But there are people that, you know, they don't make us necessarily want to run away. But there's, you know, there's something about

them. They're not quite my kind of guy. You know what I mean? But it's not like they're, I want to run away from them. No, absolutely. What does freak us out are mixed messages. Basically, we respond to the visual, the vocal, and the verbal. In other words, when your voice tone, your words, and your body language are all saying the same thing, we tend to trust you. I mean, that's what actors do. They're very good at that. But if they're not saying the same thing, you know, if someone's smiling whilst they're angry at you or looking, I mean, I have people all the time when I do my talks come up to me and I had a woman recently came up and said, you know, I have this problem. My kids are all

saying, mom, why are you so angry all the time? And she says, I'm not angry. I'm excited. So will you look angry? And that was simply because, you know, her body language and her words and her voice don't want all saying the same thing. That's what we that's what freaks us out. You know, those people that smile at you when they're angry at you. Like, you know. And so what is it? Because we all know those people that everybody is attracted to. They walk into a room and pretty soon everybody's around that. What is that?

You know, first of all, I do get asked that a lot. And that's not exactly what really happens. Sure, there are some people that walk into a room that attracts people's attention, but they're not suddenly all around them. But they're people they feel comfortable with. Their body language is giving off. Basically, it's what i talk about doing in the first two or three seconds of seeing someone look them in the eye smile open your body language and synchronize with the people around you and then look for common ground when you see certain people and you tend to be attracted to them look i was i was a fashion photographer for 25 years i i had studios on three continents. And I mean, I know why people are attracted to models. It's things like their faces are symmetrical. That's a huge,

a huge attraction when someone is symmetrical. When they do eye contact, look, it's simple. A smile says I'm happy and I'm confident. Eye contact says trust is in the air. These are quite simple things. So when you want to make someone like you, I mean, it almost sounds phony. It's like, do I really want to make someone like me? If they don't like me, they don't like me. If cooperation is what you want, then there are certain things you can do, which I just mentioned then. Look them in the eye, smile, open your body language, and they will start to feel trusting towards you. And it happens in the first couple of seconds. But if it doesn't happen in the first couple of seconds, have you lost the opportunity or not?

It's difficult. It's difficult. We do. Look, here's the bottom line. When people like you, they tend to see the best in you and and what you represent and we tend to look for opportunities to say yes to people that we like when we don't like them uh the opposite's true um we tend to see the worst in them or get out of here now you know your subconscious is saying, uh-uh, back away. And we sometimes see the worst. If I like the, you know, if the guy's jumping all over the place and I like him,

he's enthusiastic. If I don't like him, he's an idiot. You know, if I like the woman, she's warm and she's, you know, she's approachable. If I don't like her, she's dull and boring, just by this, it's all the same body language, really. And so it does matter because when we like people, know they tend to see the best of us in this and that's really what it's all about and not only in us but in what we represent i know that your people who

haven't heard your program and tune in it tune into it in the first couple of seconds that they're either saying hey i like this i like this guy or they're saying, what else is on it's just well I say that with the greatest of respect, you have the voice I wish I had, you have a super charismatic voice and etc, which is what you should and will have after

20 years What about though because you say it happens in the first few seconds that that when you open up the body language and everything but but it's also your personality your attitude i mean what i've seen people that look very appealing and then you start to talk to them and go oh my god you know what yeah so what is that let's talk about that well well first of all that's the that's

the good news and the bad news about face-to-face communication is you're a genius until you open your mouth um but the the fact that you said the word that the attitude the first thing we respond to in somebody else well in in technical terms it's the quality and the quantity of the energy they give off but um it's basically their attitude it's your attitude and the quantity of the energy they give off but it's basically their attitude it's your attitude more than anything else that determines your success or failure because your attitude not only drives your behavior it drives other people's behavior i mean you know if you if you came on the air now and you were angry i would be responding in a defensive way or whatever if you sounded angry but you sound completely

cool and together. So, you know, it makes me respond in a certain way. And that's, you know, I have people all the time that say when people get to know me, they really like me. But, you know, that's great for your next door neighbor and your family and anybody else who can't escape you. But, you know, when it comes to work or to dating, it doesn't cut it. What about this idea that people like people who are like them? Well, yeah, we are attracted to people like ourselves. We like people who, look, it's all about finding common ground. I mean, the whole bottom line in a first impression is the faster you can find common ground uh the

quicker you you can you can just relax into it and so we tend to like people who are like ourselves who have the same taste in i don't know holidays books music food um we we we like them we get on with them we can find you know i i in my in my talks and into i do audiences of up to 6 000 people quite regularly and i'll get them on their feet and i'll just say find common ground in in 20 seconds with somebody and you know uh they do it they can they you know they both they both like the movie titanic they've got twins in the family uh they both enjoy certain sports as soon as that happens soon as you find common ground uh you've you've cracked it you've made a great first impression what's a good way to do that though when you when you meet someone and you start talking to them

you can't say well let's find some common ground so we can continue this conversation how do you how do you have that conversation so that the common ground reveals itself i did this exactly this on on the good morning america a few years back when they said okay so i walk into a room full of of strangers give me five tips on what to do and i said well number one uh when you walk into a room head for the middle of the room well no one wear great clothes more people take you seriously don't have to wear spectacular clothes but just dress for the occasion uh walk into the middle of the room as you walk into the middle of the room walk slightly more slowly and then i tell them about this the three second rule you know you're probably at this one of these events to meet people so go up to people and how do you get people talking? You do what you do. You do

what podcasters do or talk show hosts do or journalists do. You ask an open question. You make a statement followed by an open question. So on the Today Show, she said, okay, well, what do you mean here? I say, okay, I hear New York's a fantastic place. If I only had half a day, what should I see? That's how you get me talking. You make a statement and you ask me an open question. That's what we can do with anybody. Make a statement about the occasion. If you're somewhere where you're supposed to talk to people, we call those closed fields. It could be an event. It could be a networking thing. It could be an interview like this. The intention is that we talk to each other. In open fields, which are

slightly different, there's a different way of talking to complete strangers. And talking to strangers is really what I've been focusing on for the last couple of years in my talks, because life doesn't happen without talking to strangers. And we're in a real mess as far as talking to strangers in the world right now. I'm talking with Nicholas Boothman, who has some very helpful advice. His book is called How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. Hi, this is Rob Benedict.

And I am Richard Spate. We were both on a little show you might know called Supernatural. It had a pretty good run, 15 seasons, 327 episodes. And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone.

So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll, of course, have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible. The note from Kripke was, he's great, we love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent Duchovny type. With 15 seasons to explore, it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes.

So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS

and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back, and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show.

There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Nicholas, some people just seem to have that gift, it seems anyway, that they can talk to strangers and make everybody feel comfortable. Do you think that's true or are they working at it? It just looks easy. It just looks easy. I have five children. The total age of my kids now is actually 225. So I've got three of them in their 50s and you know a couple arriving in their 40s and they weren't they weren't all naturally um naturally able to go up to complete strangers and start a conversation but they practiced and we had fun little things

that we did as when they were growing up that made one of my children in particular who might have been other people might have used the label I absolutely abhor which is shy attached shy to somebody and she could have been that way but today she runs corporations in out of Norway and high-tech corporations and networks all over the world but only because we showed her how to do it and we encouraged her to do it. The first thing I talk about to my audience is I asked them, a professor, Professor Harrell from Stanford Business School spent 20 years looking for what he called the success factor. He went across all areas of work and business and private life. And they came up, their team, with one thing, which they called the number one identifiable predictor of success. And do you know what it was? It was the ability to speak up.

If you don't speak up, you're invisible. And that's what makes all of the difference in these things. That is so interesting because, and you had said just a few moments ago, you go into the center of the room and talk to someone. Well, to a lot of people, that's terrifying to just talk to someone. But a lot of people don't think they can do that. Well, you know, here's something else. But, I mean, I'm slightly off on a tangent.

But, you know, we've had to learn to have no confidence. We were all born with just two fears. The fear of sudden loud noises and the fear of falling. All the rest of the things we get scared about in this life, we had to learn. They're learned fears. And I deal a lot of the time now with, I'm dealing, working with our local police force and with human trafficking and helping in that area, doing a little bit I can to help. But, you know, a lot of it comes down to not having confidence. Confidence is a huge topic right now. with digital distractions and political correctness and polarized politics.

We've made strangers out of everybody. And the result is an epidemic of anxiety and depression and the lack of confidence. But, you know, confidence is, they say, oh, well, face your fears and do it anyway, or, you know, or fake it till you make it. This is to answer your question about going into a room and talking to people. But the simple thing about confidence is that people who are confident are comfortable with rejection, and they're comfortable with failure. Just those two things. So I have some simple steps where anyone can get comfortable with rejection, and anyone can get comfortable with failure. That's what makes people lack the confidence. And so to walk into a room and talk to people, you just need a couple

of steps to explain to people that there's no such thing as failure, there's only feedback. The whole idea of failure is that we learn to get better. And the whole idea of there's no such thing as rejection, there's only selection. Thank God when I was 15 and used all my pocket money to go and have cha-cha lessons so I could get the girl from the local hairdressing salon to fall in love with me. Thank God she rejected me or I wouldn't be where I am today. So those invisible signals, those things that you send off that make people say to themselves, oh, this is a likable guy. Those are what? Yeah. Well, eye contact is huge.

What I tell people is when you meet someone for the first time, look them in the eye, smile, open your body language and find common ground. But first you have to adjust your attitude and you have to adjust your attitude. And you have to adjust your attitude to what I call a really useful attitude instead of a really useless attitude. A really useful attitude could be welcoming, curious, enthusiastic, warm. Really useless attitudes are things like bored, rude, hostile, or appearing that way. A lot of people don't realize with their arms folded and looking at the ground when they're talking to you for the first time that they just come across as hostile.

So first you adjust your attitude, which is before you even approach somebody or even walk into a room. We all do it when we walk into a room. Well, we should. We adjust our attitude to something or other. You know, put a smile on your face and get on with it. And then eye contact. Just notice the color of the eyes of the people that you're talking to. That's enough eye contact to put trust in the air.

I did some work for one of the large automotive companies. Well, I've done all of them. But in one of them, when we got on this subject, they now have on their worksheet in their technical in their service department customers name customers address customers eye color just obliges the mechanic for a second to look into the eyes of the of the customer that says trust is in the air a smile whether you have a natural smile or or not a smile says that person is happy and confident not everybody has a natural smile and not all professional models have a natural

smile but there's a trick I learned from models when I was a photographer they simply say they'll say to themselves the word great in bursts of three in stupid voices great great great when they on the set and eventually their eyes are warm and they they look like they're smiling you can say that to yourself as you approach somebody. Open your body language just means, you know, don't have your arms folded across your chest. In other words, simply kind of almost point your heart at the heart of the

person, not in any stupid way, but just expose your heart. And then start saying something. And it's perfectly normal to make a comment about where you are. I had an awful time parking today. And what about you? Or isn't this a great place where I've never been before? It's just making statements. What do you mean by talking in color?

Well, it means that we, this is to be persuasive. It's a whole other level of communication. Talking in color means that we add sensory information to what we're talking about. school will be the president and some members of the board and they'll start talking they'll say hi how are you and i'll say you know what i'm just looking out the window right now i can see the horses coming up the valley uh into the paddock and i'll say that within the first few moments and they're already straight into their imaginations but talking in color there's three things really one of them is adding sensory information to whatever you're talking about to talk about the way if you're telling someone you're talking about. Talk about the way, if you're telling someone you went on holiday, talk about the way some of the things that you saw,

some of the things that you heard, maybe the smells, the tastes, involve all the senses. We're hungry, we're desperate. We're desperate for stories. Stories are to the human mind what food and fresh air are to the body. We just crave stories. That's what your podcast is. It's a lot of stories. It's getting into people's imaginations. The other part about

talking color, the big part, is being able to condense things into simple images. And one of the best people at doing this in the States is Warren Buffett. He makes pictures to describe things. When he was asked how he felt about his job, he said, I tap dance to work. That's talking in color. Because people who have kind of visual can see it. People who are sound, auditory can hear it. And people who are feeling based can feel it, can feel what it feels like. When he was asked to explain the 2008 financial bust, he said, the tide's gone out and we can see who's been swimming naked. Really great communicators, Steve Jobs, all those guys. You'll see they use metaphors all the time.

They say it's kind of like a, and that's talking in color. And it's very charismatic. Look, for those of your listeners old enough to remember Cassius Clay or Muhammad Ali, he said, I'm going to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. This life is a bowl of cherries. This is absolutely beautiful for the minds of other people, for the imagination. Imagination is the strongest force we possess. It sure makes sense what you're saying, and yet it is so hard.

It is hard for a lot of us to talk to people the way you're talking. Just say hello to three people today that are strangers. Just say hi. Make it your goal to get rejected three times. Keep doing it if you want until three times nobody responds to you that's all just or just you know i haven't i i do i work with kids i was interviewing four kids in a cafe there that i walk up to them and they and they've never been taught to talk to strangers and be told not to talk to strangers you don't talk to strangers you've got no life everything you do in life you're going to be healthier wealthier smarter wiser richer um the only way you're going to do it is by you're going to need a stranger's help to do that.

But this one girl said, well, she said, I mouth hide people. I thought that's a great word. She's walking by and she's only 14. She just goes with her mouth, you know, and look away again. And that's how they're learning to talk to strangers. Yeah. They're learning to talk to strangers. Yeah, well, I've always thought about this whole don't talk to strangers thing that it's not necessarily such a great idea. Because as you say, if you don't talk to strangers and you don't learn how, think of all the opportunities you're not getting. Talking to strangers isn't just the right thing to do.

It's a matter of survival. Everything we want in this life, be it tickets to the Rose Bowl, to be on your show, to have a great career, whatever, the perfect partner, you're going to need a stranger's help to get it. So all those people, you know, they tell little children, don't talk to strangers. So the kid gets lost in the mall and goes to hide somewhere. Much better to say, if you get lost, go and talk to another mummy or go and talk to somebody behind the counter. You know, that's useful. It's about, you know, there's this stranger danger. This fear of

strangers is unbelievable. Do you know what your chances of a kid being kidnapped by a complete stranger are in the United States? The latest available figures from 2016, the chance of your child being kidnapped by a complete stranger is one in 675,000. And yet we tell them all, don't talk to strangers. And what have we got now? We have one and a half generations of soft narcissistic, decadent, over-photographed,

under-inspired kids because they're, and it's not their fault. It's the way they've been brought up and brainwashed. Well, I like your advice because it's simple, it's easy to follow, and I think people have a sense that it's probably pretty effective. You just have to go out and try it. Nicholas Boothman has been my guest. The book is How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less.

And you will find a link to his book in the show notes. Thanks for being here, Nicholas. I'm really grateful. Thank you so much. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts,

for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday

for our listener poll results from But Am I Wrong. And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong. And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Do you love Disney?

Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. There is nothing we don't cover. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney-themed games,

and fun facts you didn't know you needed, but you definitely need in your life. So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. You probably don't have to think too long or think about too many people in your life before you can come up with someone you know to be a complainer. Maybe even you complain a little more than you wish you did, or a little more than other people wish you did. Interestingly, complaining is more than just annoying.

There are some real serious consequences to complaining, both from being a complainer and from having to listen to it. Here to discuss this is Trevor Blake. Trevor is an entrepreneur and author of several books, including Three Simple Steps. Hi, Trevor. Thanks for being here. And so, aside from being irritating to listen to, why should we be concerned about all the complaining going on? Well, two reasons. The latest neuroscientific data shows that the brain works more like a muscle than we previously thought.

So the more you repeat a behavior, the more you become that behavior. So if you surround yourself with a bunch of complainers, the more likely you are to become a complainer yourself. But that's only half the story. Studies at Stanford show that if you expose yourself to 30 minutes of complaining every day, it does physical damage to the brain. It actually peels back the neurons in a part of the brain that we need for cognitive functioning, problem solving, and adapting to changing circumstances. Well, you know, we live in a world where everything's constantly changing, so that's not what you want. So, you know, people previously know that if they're around a complainant, they feel the energy seeping out of them.

Well, we now know why that is the case. Complaining is doing physical damage, so you really have to either remove yourself from the source or shut off that source. Well, that's pretty fascinating. So complainers are making us stupid. Yeah, they're turning our brains to mush, in effect. I think that people would like to think, and to some degree, I think you notice that some people are affected by that more than others. Other people can be around complainers, and there's a wall there, and it doesn't affect them, whereas other people, as you say,

you know, it just sucks the life right out of you. That's right, and I think a good way to think about it is the same as passive smoking. Some people seem to be okay sitting around a smoker when they're not a smoker, and other people just can't stand to be in the same room as a smoker. And I think of complaining as passive smoking i grew up my father was a chain smoker and it was like growing up in a smoke-filled balloon well i tried to change his behavior but i failed at that because i was a kid and he was a father so my only recourse was to actually remove myself from that toxic environment and go out into the fresh air it's the same with

complaining if you feel that it bothers you or you feel affected by it, you've got to put distance between yourself and the source of that feeling. Yeah, which is not always easy to do, because if they sit next to you at work or you married one, you're screwed. That's absolutely true, and I have a real-life example now, because I've been married 30 years, so I've known my mother-in-law 30 years, and I'm one of those unusual men that has nothing but good things to say about his mother-in-law. We have a great relationship.

But she lives in a place where she's surrounded by people of a similar age who are always complaining about their health and the fact the economy is going south and their pensions don't go as far, and it was much better in the old days. And when she comes to stay with us, she stays for three months. Well, for the first two weeks, this wizened old lady comes to the front door and the first words out of her mouth are complaints about the food on the plane or the fact I drove too fast from the airport or the weather's not very nice. And my wife and I have learned over the years to just completely ignore that. Don't respond to it. Don't try and change the way she is. Just don't respond

to it. And two weeks into her her visit it's like an alien came in and took the wizened old lady away and they replaced it with everybody's favorite granny and this is now somebody who has incredible energy more energy even than i have and doesn't limp anymore and just sees the good around her all the time so the transformation is remarkable but it happens because the brain hardwires into whatever stimulus is getting so where she lives she's getting negative stimulus all the time. When she's with us, she's in a much more positive environment, and the results can be seen both in her attitude and in her actual physical health.

And is she aware of what happened? Could she consciously explain it the way you just did? We do have those conversations, actually, around the kitchen table on a regular basis. And she's aware of it, but when she goes back to her environment in Europe and gets back into those conversations with all the people who are complaining around her, my wife calls her every day once she gets back. And I can gradually tell from listening into the conversations that she slowly sinks into that wizened old lady again, and she gets back into that complaining mentality because she can't separate herself from those people around her in her environment, or chooses not to. And so her brain hardwires back into that old way of thinking.

So if you just ignore it, it goes away? Yes, if you just ignore it, then... I mean, if you ignore the complaining, then you're not exposing your brain to those complaints. You know, it's not easy to do. It's easy to do if you have control over the source of that complaining. So we have a degree of control in our home over whether we pay attention or respond or react to anything we see on TV or hear from somebody's voice. If you're in the workplace or somewhere else, it's less easy to ignore it, and you have to take a more physical reaction to it. So leave the room or take a bathroom break, you know, those sorts of things.

But going back to your mother-in-law, what do you think would happen if she arrived there as kind of this complaining person, and that's kind of her personality with you, and let's say it was also her personality when she's around someone else, person B. And around you, though, over the course of time, she got better and she stopped complaining. If she were to go next door to person B, would she just start complaining all over again? Or would you have changed her internally within her or just with you? No, it's changed internally within her for as long as she allows that to happen. So if she went next door and had coffee, which she does actually, she goes next door and has coffee with our Irish friend.

And, you know, I have Irish blood in me, so I can say this. You know, the Irish are typically a bunch of complainers. We enjoy complaining. And, you know, if she's there for a couple of hours, when she comes back, she will bring some of those complaints back with her. And we have to respond the same way. We just ignore it. We smile, you know, shake it off and ignore it. But I'm afraid some people just do not protect their brains enough to avoid it being immediately rewired.

I think if the brain is an electric circuit, it needs to find a source of power. And so it pays attention to whatever it feels is a near source of power, unless you do something about that. If complaining has that effect on us, what else has an effect on us like that? I mean, it makes it sound as if our brains are pretty vulnerable to outside stimulus. Like, what else? Well, I think we live in a world where there's constant noise around us, and of course most of the noise these days is from the negative

and sensational media that's around us. That's a very strong source of complaining and negativity. I know a lot of people who are obsessed with their 30 seconds of Fox News and they can't survive without it. That's because their brain knows that that's the source of energy that it's going to. So, you know, in three simple steps, the step one is all about finding inside yourself, again, that pioneering spirit we were born with. Well, you can't find that spirit if you become a slave to the fashion or the trend

that the TV and the newspapers are influencing you with all the time. And very often what grabs people's attention is something fearful. If we see something fearful, we stop and we're paralyzed and we pay attention to it. And so, of course, media works on that. It's just a natural part of the way we live today that the media will throw out a sensational headline and it freezes us and we pay attention to it. You know, you have to protect yourself from that

just the same as you have to protect yourself from being surrounded by complainers. Does it work the other way that if you're around, say, you know, really happy, upbeat, positive, optimistic people that that'll rub off just as well? Or does it only work in the negative? No, you're absolutely right. It works in the opposite way as well. Because, you know, I have yet to meet a self-made man or woman who's a complainer or who's fixated with daily news. They're people who are outgoing and always looking forward, never looking back. And if you were to read the autobiographies of people like Carnegie and Ford, you know, it becomes quite clear very early on in those autobiographies that these were men who didn't really care about what just happened five minutes ago,

because it's in the history. And so they're not going to moan and groan about what went wrong. They're looking always in a sort of solution-oriented fashion. So they're always looking forward. And so you can choose to take that approach, and your life will reflect the results of that. So knowing what you know, I mean, what else can we, you know, the complaining thing is a great example of what you're talking about. But what else is it that you know that I could use in my life like that that would help me? Well, first of all, the first step is to be aware

that complaining is affecting you or that you may suddenly become aware that, you know what, I do watch a lot of my morning news. I do get up in the morning and switch on my radio and listen to depressing information about the economy, but maybe I should change that behavior. And so instead of getting up and doing that, maybe I'll get up and spend 10 minutes by myself and just sit quietly and just allow my brain to function at its natural speed of light and think about the day ahead, what I'm going to do with my day. It's just changing that pattern of behavior makes a huge difference in outcome. Well, it sounds like, you know, your brain is the result of what you put into it, that, you know, if you put stuff into it that's whiny and complainy, you're a whiner and a complainer. Yes, I think we become a reflection

of the environment around us. So knowing that, though, that means you can make changes to turn yourself into someone else. Yes, you can change, if you change your pattern of behavior, then you'll change the outcomes. I mean, it's the same old saying of, if you keep repeating the old behaviors, you'll get the same results. Well, you have to make just very small changes in the way that you live,

and you'll have tremendous changes in the outcome. So, you know, best example and simple examples would be that if you are stressing out because you are up to your eyes in credit card debt, but you have a tendency to watch TV news that every five minutes they've got a commercial about credit card debt solutions, you're just going to create in your mind this whole stress level of credit card debt because you're thinking about it all the time. So the way to change that is to selectively remove those commercials from your stimuli. And when your credit card bill comes through the door, instead of panicking about it, you'll say something out loud like, when I'm free of credit card debt,

I'll buy myself a bottle of champagne and pay for it in cash. You just change the reaction because in life it's not what we think that's important. It's how we react to what we think. It's difficult to control what we think because it's often instantaneous to something that stimulated that thought. So the only thing we have control on is how we react to that thought. And so you have to make these little changes and it makes a huge difference. Well, I can imagine somebody listening to you, though, and thinking, well, this all sounds good, but he doesn't have my life. I mean, you know, I've got that credit card debt, plus I just lost my job. They're going to foreclose on my house. And changing my

reaction isn't going to solve any of that. No, and they're good arguments, and so I would say, well, I'm living proof of all of that because I grew up in a dirt poor family. We were evicted three times before I was seven years old. When I was eight, my mother was given six months to live, and she was one of the great inspirations in my life because I was there when she looked through the kitchen window and looked up to the God in the sky. And she said, if you think I'm coming now, you've got another thing coming. I'm not leaving my children until they're all fully grown. And she held onto that. And she was a woman of a

word. So she fought against incredible chronic pain for 14 years until we all left the nest. During that time, my father was unemployed that whole time. We lived on welfare. It was quicksand to me. And I found in all the autobiographies of these successful self-made men and women, similar backgrounds. Most of them had started in worse circumstances than even I found myself in, but they found a way out. And so I did the same thing. And I got out of that quicksand and lived a life of adventure. But all adventures are bumpy. And at times on that bumpy adventure, I found myself up to my eyes in credit card debt. But I found a way out of that too, doing exactly the same thing as I had done to get out of the original quicksand.

So the three simple steps work, and you just have to apply that in whatever situation you find yourself in. And it will help you get out of that quicksand. It will give you the confidence to know that you can change everything that's happened up to this point in time. Do you think, though, that there's a kind of expectation or a mentality today that, like you just said, that life has got bumps in the road, that people expect that if their life was really good, there would be no bumps? That when we do read or see on TV about these wonderfully wealthy and famous people, got bumps in the road, that people expect that if their life was really good, there would be no bumps, that life, you know, when we do read or see on TV about these wonderfully wealthy and famous people,

it seems as if their life is so carefree and that that is what a good life is. No, I think life would be a little boring if it was like that. I mean, you know, I go back to it's not what you think about a situation, but how you react to it that defines the quality of your life. So, you know, I've been married 30 years. I've had a wonderful relationship. But during that 30 years, my wife has been told she's got six months to live, not once, but three times.

And she chose to react to it differently than a lot of the people who were around her in the hospital who were given similar prognosis. I was also given six months to live in 1989. I refuse to believe that. I chose a different reaction, if you like. So although my life has been an extraordinary adventure, there have been moments in it where there's been a challenge that's right in my face that I've had to decide how I'm going to react to that.

And whenever I face those challenges, I go back to the recipe that is in three simple steps, and that is maintain my individual opinion and thoughts, be disciplined, so I keep my pioneering spirit. that is in three simple steps, and that is maintain my individual opinion and thoughts, be disciplined, so I keep my pioneering spirit. I find ways to create great ideas and plans and action, which is step two, that allows me to react differently to these circumstances.

And then I execute on that plan, which is step three, and it's always helped me. I mean, here I am, I'm talking to you, and I'm now 50 and very healthy. But there was a time when I might have reacted differently, and I wouldn't have been here. Well, I think most people would react differently. I mean, if somebody tells you you have six months to live, to react the way you reacted is exceptional, and I think difficult. I think most people would just go the other way, be very depressed and sad, and accept that that is a reality, and, you know, that's it. Yeah, I think some people do.

I obviously was given a fantastic real-life lesson by watching how my mother dealt with the situation. And, you know, she told her God that she wasn't dying, and I believed her. And that unshakable belief is something that I also found in the lives of all those self-made men and women. They just develop this unshakable belief that regardless of the circumstances that they find themselves in, they're going to find a way out, and they always do. Can you just, before I let you go, the three simple steps, can you just state them and just give a couple of sentences, just like one or two sentences of what each one means? Yes, step one is about finding that pering spirit that we were all born with,

but life and our environment tends to suppress over time. You don't get to be successful by being a slave to other people's opinions and fashions and trends. You get to be successful by having confidence in your own intuition to make a good and strong decision for yourself. So in order to get to that individualism, you do have to learn to be selective about what you're allowing to influence yourself. So be selective with the media, selective with the people you surround yourself with, and you will find yourself gaining incredible control over your mentality when that happens. Step two, the thing I hear most often is somebody telling me that they'd really like a better life or they'd like to start a company. They want to change the way they are right now, but they just don't have any great ideas.

So step two is all about putting yourself in a position to have those moments of insight because it's that one brilliant idea that separates the successful from the mediocrity. And there's a few techniques to get to that point. And that's probably the most rewarding feedback I get from the book is that people who take to heart step two, just have so many fantastic ideas and their life just changes from being somewhat boring to being just an incredible adventure. And then step three is how you take those great ideas and you turn them into the reality of your experience. It's important. You can use any one of the steps in any order, just like you could use an ingredient that, you know, you could use flour, butter, and sugar by themselves. But when you mix them together and you put the appropriate heat and appropriate energy behind it, then it transforms into a beautiful cake. Well, the same thing with

three simple steps. Used together in the right order, it transforms lives. And it's been an absolute blast to watch how people's lives have been changed by this. Well, your story is inspiring. And I love what you said about complaining and complainers. Trevor Blake has been my guest. His book is Three Simple Steps, and you'll find a link to that book in the show notes for this episode. I'm sure you know, you've probably experienced, that like other things, hand sanitizer is hard to come by. But you can make your own

without a whole lot of trouble. It's really easy. Here's what you do. You take three quarters of a cup of isopropyl alcohol, or rubbing alcohol, and that's still pretty much available in drugstores.

Then you add to that a quarter cup of aloe vera gel, which helps keep your hands smooth and to counteract the harshness of that alcohol. And then you just add like 10 drops of essential oil, like lavender oil, or you can even just use lemon juice. And then you whisk them all together in a bowl until it turns into a gel. The trick is you want to make sure you keep that 2 to 1 proportion of alcohol to aloe vera, which keeps the alcohol content at around 60%. You need 60%. That's the minimum needed to kill most germs, according to the CDC.

And this recipe comes from Dr. Rishi Desai, who is chief medical officer of an organization called Osmosis. He's a former epidemic intelligence service officer in the Division of Viral Diseases at the CDC, and I figure he probably knows what he's talking about. We'll put a link up to the article that has this recipe in it so you can go back and get it when you need it to make your own hand sanitizer. Now, I'm sure there are people in your life, friends, family, who, like you, are probably sitting around without a whole lot to do, so let me suggest that you share this podcast

with them. I'm sure they'll appreciate it, and it'll engage them and help pass the time. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced.

She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook. Starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan.

Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a founder of the Go Kid Go Network. At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lining, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. Look for The Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts.