Something You Should Know - Powerful Ways to Instantly Be More Persuasive & How to Create and Present the Right Image

Starting point is 00:00:00 Today on Something You Should Know, do you really have to wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming? Some summertime myths and truths coming up, plus powerful strategies to be more persuasive. For example, suppose you have a plan and you want your boss to get on board with it. When you present your plan, don't ask for his or her opinion. Ask for his or her advice. Also, you may be washing your dishes all wrong. And how do you present yourself to others? Do you try to appear to be perfect? We have this image that we put out of perfection, and instead of drawing people towards us, it actually creates distance. The research is very clear that we find people who show human vulnerability, they tend to be the people that we gravitate towards and we feel most connected to.

Starting point is 00:00:54 So it's okay to show that. All this today on Something You Should Know. As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks.

Starting point is 00:01:28 Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu. She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit,

Starting point is 00:01:48 the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Something You should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts.

Starting point is 00:02:09 And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Welcome. It's the middle of summer, and in fact, I am recording this episode of the podcast in my studio in California. But if you are listening to it on or around the date it publishes, which is July 23rd, 2018, I will be in the mountains of Vermont on my summer vacation. And every summer, there's always this well-intentioned advice that your mother probably told you. Things like don't swim for 30 minutes after eating or

Starting point is 00:02:45 don't touch someone with poison ivy because you could get it. Well, let's take a closer look at the science behind some of these things. First of all, don't swim for 30 minutes after eating. Well, that may be a good idea. If you have a big meal and go swimming right away, you might get a cramp. And while cramps can be uncomfortable, they're seldom disabling. Some people get cramps, and some people don't. Have you heard this one? Eating watermelon seeds is bad for you. Of course, today, most of the watermelons seem to be seedless,

Starting point is 00:03:18 so this isn't a big problem. But I remember when watermelons did have seeds, that that was the prevailing wisdom, that you shouldn't eat them, that there's something bad about eating watermelon seeds. And that turns out to be false. Your body will try to digest them, but cannot, so they just pass through. You can catch poison ivy if you touch the rash on someone who has it. That's false.

Starting point is 00:03:41 You have to come in contact with the plant to catch it. Specifically, it's the oil in the plant that causes the rash, but the rash cannot be passed from one person to another. Scratching a bug bite makes it worse. True. Scratching it can break the skin and cause infection, and even if you don't break the skin, scratching will irritate it and make it more annoying. So resist the urge to scratch and put something cold on it to stop the itch. A cold soda can will work in a pinch. If a jellyfish stings you, you should urinate on the wound. I remember hearing this as a kid in Connecticut.

Starting point is 00:04:19 There were a lot of jellyfish in the water, and people said you should urinate where you get stung. And that turns out to be a really bad idea. in the water and that people said you should urinate where you get stung. And that turns out to be a really bad idea. Urinating on a jellyfish sting can actually make it worse, according to Dr. Jennifer Ping, an emergency medicine physician in Hawaii who has studied the most effective treatment for dealing with jellyfish stings. She says the best thing to do is to apply an acidic compound, such as vinegar, either by pouring it directly on the wound or applying a vinegar-soaked cloth. That deactivates

Starting point is 00:04:52 whatever it is the jellyfish put into your skin, and then you scrape those things off with a credit card or other flat object later. And that is something you should know. Perhaps the best-known book, and perhaps the most often quoted book on the subject of persuasion, is a book called Influence by Robert Cialdini. It was a big seller back when it came out a few years ago, and it still sells well. And now, Robert has zoomed in a little deeper into the topic of persuasion with a new book that just came out in paperback called Presuasion, A Revolutionary Way to Influence and Persuade. And so, Robert, explain the difference between persuasion and presuasion and the difference between the book Influence and the book pre-suasion?

Starting point is 00:05:47 Well, as opposed to Influence, which covers what best to build into a message to get agreement, pre-suasion describes the process of gaining agreement with a message before it's been sent. Although that may seem like some form of magic, it's not. It's established science. So maybe an example would help. In one study, for example, researchers approached individuals and asked for help for a marketing survey. Only 29 agreed to participate. But if the researchers approached a second sample of individuals and preceded that request with a simple, persuasive question,

Starting point is 00:06:30 do you consider yourself a helpful person? Now 77.3% volunteered. Why? When asked before the request if they were helpful, nearly everyone said yes. Then, when the request occurred, most agreed to participate in order to be consistent with the recently activated idea of themselves as helpful people. To go from 29% to 77%, we don't see those kinds of effects typically. But that's the power of persuasion, in which we get people in a mindset, in a frame of mind, that makes them receptive to our message. But this could be perceived as, and perhaps even used as, a trick. I mean, I can see the used car

Starting point is 00:07:22 salesman putting his arm around the guy and saying, now you really want to buy a new car today, don't you? And that it kind of has that kind of car salesman-y approach. This is a real concern of mine, is that it can be used for unethical purposes. But if you have a particular strength about your message, what I'm advocating to do pre-suasion ethically is to first raise to consciousness in your audience an idea that's related to that particular dimension, that particular element of your message that is wisest for them to take into account in deciding what to do. So are there some good examples, things you can point to of how this has worked that we might get a better sense of this? Suppose you're applying for a job. Typically what we say at the beginning of that interview is,

Starting point is 00:08:31 I want to answer all your questions as fully as possible, but I'm going to recommend that we say one more thing. Before we start, I wonder if you could answer a question for me. Why did you invite me to interview today? As a consequence, your interviewers will start hearing themselves saying positive things about you and your qualifications, putting them in a state of mind that is favorable to your candidacy before you make your case for it. I have an acquaintance who swears he's gotten three better jobs in a row by employing this persuasive technique. But even you said that this is something that concerns you, that it be used unethically,

Starting point is 00:09:16 and you can see where this could be considered like a sales trick. Yes. And so we've done some research on what happens to organizations that use influence techniques like this as a trick, as a device, right? And what we found is that in organizations that allow their people to use influence techniques dishonestly, what happens is those people who are uncomfortable with the dishonesty leave. And what remains is a precipitate of people who are comfortable with cheating, and they cheat the organization. They pad their expense accounts. They steal equipment. And so that's the

Starting point is 00:10:09 legacy of an organization that allows their people to use this unethically. So the lesson is for any leader to be scrupulous about using these strategies in only the most ethical way. I'm talking with Robert Cialdini, author of the legendary book Influence, and his new book, Persuasion, a revolutionary way to influence and persuade. You know, we cover a lot of health-related topics on this podcast, and I know that something-you-should-know listeners tend to be pretty health conscious. So it came as no surprise to find out that many of my listeners have signed up for CARE-OF, the monthly vitamin subscription service.

Starting point is 00:10:54 You've probably heard that about 90% of people fall short of the FDA-recommended guidelines for at least one vitamin or nutrient. CARE-OF takes care of that. What you do is you go online and take their quick quiz that helps determine for at least one vitamin or nutrient. Care-of takes care of that. What you do is you go online and take their quick quiz that helps determine what vitamins you need. And then you receive a 30-day supply shipped right to your door of your individually wrapped daily packets of your specific vitamins. And here's something great.

Starting point is 00:11:20 It costs about 20% less when compared to similar brands at drug and health food stores. I did it. It was so easy, and I feel really good that I've done something important for my health. And as a Something You Should Know listener, I have a great offer for you. For 25% off your first month of personalized care of vitamins, visit TakeCareOf.com and enter the promo code something. That's 25% off your first month of personalized care of vitamins. Go to takecareof.com and enter the promo code something.

Starting point is 00:11:56 And I've put that web address in the show notes. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives, and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples,

Starting point is 00:12:28 Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson, discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence

Starting point is 00:12:44 Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a founder of the Go Kid Go Network. At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lining, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. Look for

Starting point is 00:13:23 The Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Robert, why do you think, or what does the research say, as to why these persuasion techniques that you talk about, what makes them so effective and so powerful? This is the core question for persuasion. What's the mechanism that makes it work so powerful? And it has to do with a particular cognitive mistake that we make. In the moment when we are paying attention to it, we elevate its importance from the moment before compared to the moment before. And so if we are focused on a particular idea, some factor that we have been drawn to. We assume that because we are paying attention to it,

Starting point is 00:14:27 it must warrant that attention. But that's not true, because we can be brought to an idea by a communicator who draws us, draws our focus to that particular idea. And that's what causes us to then overestimate its importance and then act in such a way as to be consistent with an important dimension. What other ways can this be used? What other applications does it have? Suppose you have a plan or a new initiative and you want your boss to get on board with it. When you present your plan, don't ask for his or her opinion on this plan. Instead, ask for his or her advice on the plan. Because there's research that shows when people are asked for their advice about something, they are put in a cooperative partnership-like state of mind, and they become more supportive of the plan or idea as a consequence.

Starting point is 00:15:52 If they're asked for an opinion, they step back from you. They go into themselves rather than to go into a mindset of collaboration. There's an old saying, when we ask for advice, we're usually looking for an accomplice. I'd only add, on the basis of scientific evidence, that if we get that advice, we usually get that accomplice. And what better partner to have on a project than somebody in charge? I don't know if you looked at this, but does this work on children? Yes, it does work on children. There was a study done in Belgium in which subjects were brought into an experiment

Starting point is 00:16:32 and shown pictures of people either standing apart from one another or standing together in a togetherness kind of depiction. Then the researcher stood up from the table and dropped a box of pencils on the floor. And they asked, well, which of these two types of subjects get down on the floor and start helping the researcher? Those who saw initially two people standing together in these photographs, they had the mindset of togetherness, were 300% more likely to get down on the floor and help. Now, here's the thing that made me glad I was sitting down when I read about this study.

Starting point is 00:17:23 The subjects were 18 months old. Whoa, really? They were babies. And this process is so fundamental, so primitive to human functioning, that it worked on 18 months old infants. So we're like pre-wired this way. That's exactly right. This is how we think.

Starting point is 00:17:53 When we are asked to pay attention to a particular concept like togetherness, we see togetherness as important, and so we act in a way that's consistent with the idea of togetherness. But there must be times when it doesn't work, and when it doesn't work, why doesn't it work? Well, there are times when it doesn't work if you draw people's attention to a particular concept, let's say authority or expertise, right? Because people want to follow the lead of experts. So you draw their attention to the concept of expertise, and then they go into your message, and you don't have a lot of expertise. Now, you've made expertise important in a way that will cause people to move away from you. So that's why not only is it effective and ethical to decide what is the greatest strength of your offer,

Starting point is 00:18:51 and use that as the idea you begin with, begin the interaction with, even before you begin your appeal. Because that will draw people to the thing that will make it most wise for them to move in your direction. When you engage in this technique you call persuasion, is it invisible, or can people later at night, you know, lie in bed and go, hey, wait a minute, that guy, you know, persuaded me. It's invisible. It's invisible. You never recognize that what happens before a message is designed to leverage the essence of that message before it even is delivered. I'll give you another example that's so under the radar, no one recognizes it. One of the goals we often have in business is to get people to change, to move away from their old habits, old practices into better, new approaches.

Starting point is 00:20:03 And that's difficult because people resist moving from their comfort zone. It turns out that you will be more successful if you ask for change at the beginning of the month or the beginning of the week because at the start of a block of time, people are more receptive to the idea of change. We know that's true at the beginning of the year, right? That's where we make all our New Year's resolutions. Well, it turns out there's research that shows the same thing applies at the beginning of

Starting point is 00:20:42 a month or the beginning of a week. If you did that to get somebody to change in your direction, do you think they would ever recognize that you did it on a Monday? Of course not. What about beginning of the day? Beginning of the day, that hasn't actually been examined, but I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah, it feels right, doesn't it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:09 It's a time for new starts. When you look at this topic, and you certainly, given your previous book and your reputation, are the guy to write this book, but why hasn't this been addressed before? I mean, this seems so obvious. What's taken so long? It turns out it has been recognized. In writing my first book, I infiltrated sales training and marketing training. And what I saw was only a very rarefied few understood persuasion.

Starting point is 00:21:48 Everybody else was focused on building the strongest case inside their message. The persuaders, the aces of these industries recognized that it doesn't matter how good the seed is that you have if you want to plant, if you haven't cultivated the earth first. They acted like expert gardeners, recognizing that you have to pre-treat the ground that you put your seed in in order to make it flourish. Well, it is surprising how this hasn't been talked about or written about much before the pre-suasion book came out. And yet when I hear you talk about it, it just makes so much sense that you would want to kind of prepare the land first before you plant the seed.

Starting point is 00:22:45 Of course you would want to kind of prepare the land first before you plant the seed. Of course you would. And so it's great to hear that the research behind it is so strong. Robert Cialdini has been my guest and his new book is Presuasion, a revolutionary way to influence and persuade. And there is a link to his book in the show notes. You know, several times in this podcast, we have talked about how one of the foundations of good health is a good night's sleep. And not only that people need to sleep more, but the quality of their sleep really matters. And you will not get a better quality of sleep than you will get from a mattress from Helix Sleep. Working with the world's leading sleep experts, Helix Sleep developed a mattress that is customized to your specific height, weight, and sleep preferences,

Starting point is 00:23:29 so you will have the best sleep of your life at an unbeatable price. Here's how it works. You go to helixsleep.com and fill out their 2-minute sleep quiz. Then they design your custom mattress, and they can even customize each side for you and your partner. In 2018, Helix Sleep has taken customized sleep to the next level with their Helix Pillow. The all-new pillows are fully adjustable so you can achieve perfect comfort regardless

Starting point is 00:23:57 of your sleep position or body type. Helix Sleep has thousands of five-star reviews. Plus, you get 100 nights to try it out. Go to helixsleep.com slash something right now and get up to $125 towards your mattress order. That's helixsleep.com slash something for up to $125 off your mattress order. And that link is also in the show notes. That's helixsleep.com slash something.

Starting point is 00:24:27 Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman

Starting point is 00:24:53 who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named the Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back. And in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get

Starting point is 00:25:37 your podcasts. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our Lister poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture.

Starting point is 00:26:08 Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. So there's this concept, and I know you'll know what I'm talking about. Still, it's a little hard to explain. It's this concept of personal presence. It's the who you are when you walk into a room. It's the way people perceive you.

Starting point is 00:26:39 It's sort of your essence, I guess. It's the vibe you give off. And we all know and can identify other people's personal presence, but it's hard to read our own. I mean, who do people see when they see you? Christy Hedges knows a lot about this. She's a speaker and writer whose work is often seen in Forbes and Harvard Business Review, and she's the author of a few books, including The Power of Presence and her latest book, The Inspiration Code. Hi, Christy.

Starting point is 00:27:11 So what I like about this topic is actually how elusive it is. I mean, it's hard to wrap your head around what presence is, and yet it's so important. Presence determines so many things for us, who befriends us, who dates us, who marries us, who hires us, who promotes us, you know, who wants to be around us, pretty much, and yet we notice it in other people, but it's hard to see in ourselves. So sometimes I think about presence as the way we move through the world. I also might call it our values worn on the outside. And in a sense, it's something that people pick up about us that we're putting out all the time.

Starting point is 00:27:51 Yeah, that's what I say. I think of it as kind of this vibe that you send out that either kind of pulls people in or pushes them away or makes you hard to figure out or one of those things. Right, I mean, and how easy is it to affect a vibe, right? I mean, that's the problem. The way we think about it is kind of the squishy concept, but it has such a defined impact on us. And so a lot of my work has been trying to help people understand what it means. But people who have that real, strong, powerful, walk into a room

Starting point is 00:28:21 and everybody wants to be near you kind of thing. What is that? Well, that's funny as you think about it, because when I ask people what presence is, that's the answer I get back. I get sort of the person who moves through the room and shifts the air in the room, if you will, that powerful, that super assertiveness kind of impact. But when we think about what is presence, what do we care about it for? We care about it because we want people to connect with us. We want people to feel a connection to us. We want to come across as someone that people want to be around. And often those

Starting point is 00:28:55 hyper-assertive people are not the ones we actually want to be around. So we don't really feel a connection with them. We might sort of admire their ability to have confidence in any situation. But when we think about presence as something that's actionable for ourselves, we're in much better service to ourselves when we think about it in terms of connection. What are people doing that make people want to connect with them? And how do you put that into action? I mean, how do you make people want to connect with you? Well, it comes down to a discrete set of actions, really, that provide connection with other people. I mean, it's how we communicate with other people.

Starting point is 00:29:32 It's building strong bonds through listening. You know, in my latest book, The Inspiration Code, I sort of delve into this idea of what inspires people and how do we get more inspiration in the workforce. And in the survey that I commissioned through the Harris Poll, the number one quality of people who inspire us is that they listen to us. And so we think about all the effort we spend on what we say, and it's not that that's not important. It's just that what people really respond to more often is how we listen to them. So if we want to build a better presence, we can work on those types of qualities, being open-minded, being present to other people, not being distracted or stressed so that we can't be there for other people. Often though, I think in trying to present this image to appear the way you think you want to appear to other people, there's this

Starting point is 00:30:21 desire to appear to be perfect, that the more perfect you are in every way, the more you have every hair in place and everything under control, the more people will be attracted to you. But you talk about how perfection is really a turnoff. Well, right. We're seeing this play out in social media, right, real time every day. We have this sort of image that we put out of perfection. And instead of drawing people towards us, it actually creates distance

Starting point is 00:30:50 from people because they seem other or unlike us or not realistic. And it's funny that you talk about that point because I see this more and more play out. But yeah, there's a lot of research around that. I mean, that's the great thing. I always tell my clients who have, I get nervous in front of board meetings, for example, or who have trouble, difficult conversations and are worried about conveying weakness or messing up or saying the wrong thing, that the research is very clear that we find people who show, you know, human vulnerability, what I call able to balance credibility with vulnerability, so not 100% credible, not 100% vulnerable, but are able to balance both of those. They tend to be the people that we gravitate towards and we feel most connected to.

Starting point is 00:31:35 So it's okay to show that. And I remember last time we talked, which was certainly several years ago, but you made the point that in politics, for example, one of the reasons Mitt Romney had trouble connecting with people was he was so perfect. No hair was out of place. He was so squeaky clean and perfect that people had trouble connecting with him, and the same with Hillary Clinton, and that she didn't seem very human or very much like us. And then when she cried, her poll numbers went up.

Starting point is 00:32:08 Exactly. And so you saw, I think we were talking about the last election, but then you saw this play out in 2016 as well with her campaign. I mean, we can see it over and over again. We appreciate some amount of humanity in people. You know, there's research that Adam Grant, the author of Give and Take, talks about that's been going on,

Starting point is 00:32:29 things first discovered in the 50s because of the pratfall effect. That's what the social scientists have labeled it, but, you know, it's been repeated in lots of different settings, which is that when we show a little bit of vulnerability, we actually are seen as more likable. And, you know, I couple that with what social scientists call

Starting point is 00:32:46 the transparency illusion, which is the belief that other people can see what's going on in our heads. That when we mess up, number one, we think everybody sees all the crazy stuff we're thinking and how bad we think it is. Well, they actually can't see all of that anyway. And if they do see a little bit of it, you can lean on the pratfall effect that it actually can help us. So, you know, one of the things that the leaders I work with, I often will tell them is how much of this do you make visible to people so that they have a sense that they really know you? And so back to that groundedness and centeredness, we can't feel that with someone if we don't know what they're about, and we can't know what you're about if you're trying to display perfection all the time. Isn't that so true that we so much want people to think that we're just, everything's fine, we're perfect, and yet we don't connect with those kinds of people, we don't want those,

Starting point is 00:33:39 because it's too hard to, you don't know what to do with somebody like that. It's so true. I know, when you put it into the terms of what you gravitate towards, it makes so much sense. And yet we spin ourselves up, you know, trying to get out there and just not mess up and do it just the right way. And we don't usually pull that off anyway, but we put a lot of pressure on ourselves trying to. Yeah, and like the example that I remember is like when you give a talk or you're even just talking to people in a room and you stumble or you mess up, you think, and that's the only thing you did wrong, you think everybody focused on that and nobody even noticed, but you think, oh God, I blew that. Yeah, and it's,

Starting point is 00:34:22 so I love the example of, and this is kind of an out there example, but I thought it was so perfect. But I tell my clients all the time, it's not the mess up, it's the recovery. Recovery is what people pay attention to. So if you just sort of bounce over it and kind of move on or laugh at yourself a little bit or sort of admit, you know, even a little bit of,

Starting point is 00:34:41 so use it as a self-deprecating kind of witty experience, people appreciate that and that's what they remember, and they just sort of move on versus letting it cripple you. And so recently the Parkland kids who did the big march in Washington, if you remember there was one of the girls who had been shot in that school shooting who had just had surgery, and she got up, and she, in the middle of her talk, she threw up in front of, you know, thousands and thousands of people, millions of people broadcast everywhere. And after she did it, she said, I just threw up on national television, but this is how fired up I am, and just kept going. Yeah, but you're right. I mean, that is a great

Starting point is 00:35:20 example, because nobody saw that and thought, well, this is outrageous. This is terrible. I mean, they saw, wow, this is somebody who's been through a lot and everybody on the planet gave her a pass. That's exactly right. Because she could have just walked off stage after that. She's a kid, right? Most people that age would have just walked off. There's so much pressure on her already. But the way that people rallied around that, it's just an extreme example. Most of us aren't in that situation with that kind of crowd, but we have our own situation like that all the time.

Starting point is 00:35:54 Again, we're in the board meeting, and we get up and we present, and we stumble over some sales figures, and we think, oh, gosh, I didn't say that with enough certainty. Instead of just saying, wow, I went through that that with enough certainty, you know, instead of just saying, wow, I went through that too fast. Let me just back up because I want to make sure I do that again and do it right and just keep going. That's all we have to do, but we get too caught up in the perfection of it. It does seem that at the core of a lot of this is the ability to believe,

Starting point is 00:36:21 to have confidence in yourself that you can handle it. Yeah, I think that that's part of it, or to be comfortable with not having confidence all the time and realize that that's the human condition. You know, I find sometimes one of the most comforting things that I can tell my clients is that, you know, other people, even people you admire, are going through exactly the same thing, right? Even the most successful people who, you know, seem like they have it all together all the time, there are still situations, there are still audiences, there are still conversations that trip them up where they feel lack of confidence or they feel unsure, and they still perform and go on and do it anyway.

Starting point is 00:37:06 So to me, it's actually not expecting that you're going to have confidence all the time, but realizing that you're not going to have confidence sometimes, and you can still do what you need to do. But how do you, if you are someone who screws up once and falls apart, if you're not that girl who throws up on TV, gets up and, you know, keeps going, how do you get there? I mean, for some people, hard to imagine doing that. It is.

Starting point is 00:37:34 I mean, I think the old advice to get back on the horse is pretty good advice. You know, you gain a lot of confidence by seeing that the one failure that you had is not going to define you, that you can keep going. So if you're somebody who has a hard time, you know, we're using presenting a lot, but that's a common issue for people. If you're somebody who has a hard time presenting in groups and you do a presentation and it doesn't go very well, as one of my colleagues told me once,

Starting point is 00:38:01 just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's uncomfortable. So we equate discomfort with something being something that we shouldn't do. It's a warning. But what it really means is that we just have to keep doing it more. And so to realize, well, that didn't go as well as I want, I want to make sure I take the next opportunity to present again because I learned some things here and I want to try something different.

Starting point is 00:38:23 I think to put that expectation in our mind, if you get rid of the perfection piece, to put the expectation in our mind that we have to keep doing this stuff, because the more you do it, the more comfortable it gets, and the more you learn how to bob and weave when situations don't go exactly like you thought they might. Talk about the swing thought. What's a swing thought?

Starting point is 00:38:44 The swing thought is what I really call, I equate to what I label a situational intention is how I talk about it. And I talk about how, you know, in our minds, we always have this loop of thoughts and actions going on. We think something, we have an action, then that sort of loops back into our thought. You know, for example, if we don't like to talk in front of groups, we're kind of going in thinking I'm not very good at this, it's going to be tough,

Starting point is 00:39:09 and then we sort of look for feedback that it's not going so well and that maybe makes us feel more nervous and then that makes us talk faster and then, you know, it loops back into that initial thought and we go around and around. But we have a choice there to either have that cycle be positive, which is, I'm going to be okay with this, no matter what happens, I can handle it, you know, versus, you know, the destructive one is I'm going to mess this up. So what a situational intention is, is an in the moment thought that you try on, that you think about that focuses some of that unconscious, the unconscious thoughts that are spinning around

Starting point is 00:39:45 into a feeling that you want to put into the room. So it really focuses you on the feeling you're trying to transmit. So if I want people to feel excited about something I'm going to say, I need to think about how I can show up and transmit excitement because they're only going to feel it if I can put it into the room. So that's the idea. It's that last thought before you go into a situation, and I really like to hook it to the feeling, because that's really how we see people, how we take in people is through a feeling, and focus your energy on what you want to put into the room. Do you think that when you are dealing with stuff like this this and thinking about stuff like this and the thoughts before you walk into a room, that is faking it okay?

Starting point is 00:40:30 Is putting on a bit of a show okay until it feels more part of who you are? You know, I don't like the word faking it. I prefer to think about it as adapting. So, you know, anything that feels authentic to us now, particularly at work, is generally something that we've adapted. So we may not have been that great at, you know, managing disagreements at work, for example, when we were first on the job, but we learned how to do it because we got a little bit better at it. We tried some things out and so we adapted as we went until it becomes very natural to us. That's how we evolved. And so

Starting point is 00:41:04 it's the same idea with this is that, you know, you're not faking it. If you think about the feeling you're trying to put into the room, that's a real feeling you're actually trying to put into the room. It's really just visualizing what it is and trying some things out until they feel more natural to you. So faking it sounds like we're putting on a persona that we don't actually buy. When we adapt, we're looking very strategically at how we want to show up, and we're trying it out. We're trying to show up. Yeah, well, it does seem that so much of this is knowing that it's okay not to be perfect, and that, you know, life is a series of experiments,

Starting point is 00:41:43 and you'll get better, and that that's okay, that one mistake isn't going to derail the whole thing. A lot of it is in our head. And the power of presence, I think I'd say 80% of presence is in our head. It's just getting all that clear, again, it frees up a lot of stuff. There are some mechanics we have to learn about anything. So if you look at presence as a big part of presence being communication, there are certain ways we need to learn how to communicate, no question. But after a point, we know that stuff. And then it's about getting out of our own way so we can actually sort of

Starting point is 00:42:19 use the capabilities that we know, that we already know, and put them into full effect. But yeah, a lot of it is how we think. And so once we, if we can get that straight, then it's a lot easier to show up in a way that makes other people want to be around us, connect with us, or gravitate toward us. Well, you said something a little earlier about this idea that people know what's going on in our own head and that they can see through us and know all of our foibles and insecurities. And they don't. Just as you don't know anybody else's, they don't know yours. But we tend to

Starting point is 00:42:53 think that. And that can be paralyzing, I think. Exactly. It's very comforting to people, especially because, again, it's called the transparency illusion. There's a lot of research behind it, that to know that they don't know that. You know, I had a client one time who would get very nervous and her neck would get red. Like that was the physical manifestation of stress that she would have. And she'd be so worried about it. And the people would see it. And, you know, one of the things I pointed out to her is that when she's speaking to groups, she's way across the room. They can't see her neck. You know, she thinks they can, but they can't even see that. But in her mind, everybody sees this. I mean, we really concoct a lot of stories in our head about

Starting point is 00:43:34 people knowing what's going on that, you know, physically they might not even be able to see anyway. Well, I think that's good news. And it's almost as if, you know, it's like a sigh of relief to know that, you know, everybody feels like this, that it's okay to fail, and it isn't the end of the world, and you get better as you go. So move on. It's great news, isn't it? Yeah. We're all human anyway. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:57 Well, that's right. This has been really interesting. Christy Hedges has been my guest. She is a speaker and a coach and a writer. And her book is The Power of Presence. And her new book is called The Inspiration Code. There's a link to her book in the show notes. Thanks, Christy.

Starting point is 00:44:16 Thank you so much, Mike. It was a joy to be back. Do you rinse your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher? A lot of people do, and if you do, you probably do it because you think you're giving the dishwasher a helping hand, right? Well, actually you're not, and here are four reasons to stop rinsing dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. First of all, your dishes need to be dirty for the detergent to do its job. The makers of the dishwashing detergent Cascade discourage customers from pre-washing or rinsing dishes because it actually inhibits the cleaner from working. Enzymes in Cascade are designed to attach themselves to food particles,

Starting point is 00:44:59 says the Wall Street Journal. Without food, the enzymes have nothing to latch onto and therefore nothing to do. You won't get your dishes any cleaner by pre-rinsing because today's newfangled dishwashers are really savvy, much more so than when Grandma got her first dishwasher. They have advanced sprayer technology and sensors that detect how dirty your dishes are. And if you're worried about food particles from your dishes getting into your plumbing and clogging it up,

Starting point is 00:45:29 well, chances are, because most houses are plumbed this way, the dishwasher drains through the garbage disposal. So the next time you run the garbage disposal, the food will just grind up and go away. And finally, pre-rinsing or washing dishes by hand wastes water and electricity. You waste about 6,000 gallons a year if you insist on pre-rincing, says Consumer Reports. And finally, it's a needless time suck, especially when you have so many other things to do. And that is something you should know.

Starting point is 00:46:09 Remember, if any of the advertisers in today's program sound interesting to you, all the links and the promo codes and all the ways to save are in the show notes for this episode. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity.

Starting point is 00:46:48 The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network

Starting point is 00:47:25 called The Search for the Silver Lightning, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. During her journey, Isla meets new friends, including King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, and learns valuable life lessons with every quest, sword fight, and dragon ride.

Starting point is 00:47:43 Positive and uplifting stories remind us all about the importance of kindness, friendship sword fight, and dragon ride. Positive and uplifting stories remind us all about the importance of kindness, friendship, honesty, and positivity. Join me and an all-star cast of actors, including Liam Neeson, Emily Blunt, Kristen Bell, Chris Hemsworth, among many others, in welcoming the Search for the Silver Lining podcast to the Go Kid Go network by listening today. Look for the Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Something You Should Know - Powerful Ways to Instantly Be More Persuasive & How to Create and Present the Right Image

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.