Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: Controlling the Flow of Time & How Influential Parenting Works

Episode Date: June 6, 2020

When you talk to your partner, there is something you do – or don’t do, that can predict with amazing accuracy whether or not your relationship will survive and thrive or crash and burn. I start this episode with an explanation of what that is exactly. http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/ Time may be constant but we all experience time differently in different situations. Marney Makridakis author of the book, Creating Time: Using Creativity to Reinvent the Clock and Reclaim Your Life (http://amzn.to/2yjzCr3) reveals how to improve the way you experience the passing of time. She also explains how you can make time – or at least the way you perceive it – either speed up or slow down. You know you should drink a lot of water but you may not know all the reasons why. When you hear them, you may just want to go get yourself some water. http://www.bustle.com/articles/121825-5-ways-drinking-enough-water-changes-your-body No one ever said parenting was easy. Psychologist Wes Crenshaw author of the book, Dear Dr. Wes: Real Life Advice for Parents of Teens (http://amzn.to/2hr182v) offers some straight forward, down-to-earth advice for parents to be more effective parents and to make the process of parenting simpler. This Week's Sponsors -Kong Box. Got to www.KongBox.com/something to make a $1 donation to help less fortunate dogs and your first Kong Box is free! -Pindrop. Listen to the new podcast Pindrop https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/pindrop/id1514010062 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu.

She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, there's an amazingly accurate way to predict if your relationship will succeed or fail. I'll tell you what it is. Then, if time seems to go by too fast, you'll discover how to slow it down. One of the key factors is the difference between focused time and scattered time.

And when we're focused on just one thing, that makes time move more slowly. When our focus is scattered, time moves more quickly. Also, you know you're supposed to drink more water, but you may not know all the reasons why. And parenting. A lot of parents have a hard time setting rules for their kids. A lot of parents look back to their own adolescence, particularly young parents, and they think, gosh, I did all these things and how can I really be a hypocrite and stop

my daughter or son from doing them? Well, you can because you're the parent now. All this today on Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives, and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more.

A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

Hi, welcome to Something You Should Know. As I often remind you, there are show notes for every episode, and you will find the show notes for each episode with each episode on whatever platform you listen on. Apple Podcasts, CastBox, Spotify, wherever. But I also like to mention from time to time that we also have a website. It's somethingyoushouldknow.net, which also has the show notes, and it has photos of the guests, and my picture is there, and the images of the books that our author guests have written, and there's a contact form if you ever want to get a hold of me, and more. So once again, the website for this

podcast is somethingyoushouldknow.net. First up today, some couples seem happy forever. I'm sure you know some of those couples who have been together a long time and seem just as happy now as when they first got together, whereas other couples crash and burn quickly. So what's the difference? Well, psychologist John Gottman hooked up couples to measure their physical responses when they interacted, and couples who did not get along registered higher heart rates, blood flow, and sweat even during the most benign, mundane conversations. Why? They were waiting to attack or be attacked. They were in fight-or-flight mode, which caused them to be more aggressive to each other. By contrast, happy, successful couples registered little physical change.

They were warm and affectionate towards each other. Dr. Gottman also noticed that happy couples turn towards one another, whereas unhappy couples turn away. In other words, in a simple interaction, when a husband says to his wife, look at the pretty bird outside, the wife has a choice to turn towards him and interact, or turn away and go about her business. In the research, happy couples had a turn-towards rate of 87%, whereas unhappy couples had a turn-towards rate of only 37%. One other important piece of the puzzle,

happy couples have a habit of scanning most situations to see what their partner is doing right and showing appreciation, whereas unhappy couples look for what their partner is doing right and showing appreciation, whereas unhappy couples look for what their partner is doing wrong and criticize that. People who are focused on criticizing their partner miss a whopping 50% of positive things their partners are doing, and they see negativity even when there isn't any. So here's the payoff. Using this criteria, Dr. Gottman was able to tell which couples would be married after six years

and which couples would be divorced after six years with a 94% accuracy. And that is something you should know. Time fascinates me. It's essentially all we've got, and time will eventually run out for all of us. Time is difficult to grasp, and it's difficult to define. I remember hearing that science has no really good definition for now, for this moment that comes and goes, And now we're in a new moment. And now that's gone too. Generally, when we talk about time, it's how to cram more stuff into it,

how do we create more free time, and how can we be more productive with the time we have. But this conversation that you're about to hear is more about understanding the nature of time. Marnie Macrodakis has a really great book out called Creating Time, Using Creativity to Reinvent the Clock and Reclaim Your Life. Hey Marnie, so I think if you were to describe people's experience with time today, it is that there's not enough of it, we're always running out of it, and we need more of it. Indeed, indeed. And I think that you're absolutely right, Mike. That is our knee-jerk gesture right now. We're reaching for more time. What I hope to offer is a sense that we can create a new relationship with time, that we can create what we want time to mean in our lives, that it's not something that is

just quantitative, that it is qualitative, so that we're not as consumed with how we're spending our time, but what we're receiving from that time as well. Well, that sounds nice and very philosophic-y, but what does that mean to somebody like me who says, you know, I need more time? Well, I think there are a couple of things that it means to a person who needs more time. One thing is that since we know time is relative, and I mean, that's obviously proven by science, and it's obviously proven just by our psychological experiences of time. Compare an hour with a loved one to an hour in the dentist chair, and you have that experience. Since time is relative, I believe that we can control time's relativity and use some

internal tools and practical tools to affect the sense of our flow of time so that when we want time to slow down, when we need more time, whether it's because we're doing something we love and we want to relish it or we need more time to reach a deadline, or on the other hand, time when we are doing something mundane or unpleasant and we really want the flow of time to speed up, we can control that with our own minds and with some tricks and games and mental attitudes and adjustments we can make. So that's one example of a practical application of what it means to create a new relationship

with time. When you put yourself in the driver's seat... Well, give me a tool or two. Okay. Well, for example, I think that movement and motion in our bodies is really mirrored and reflected in our sense of the perception of time. Our inclination when we're in a hurry is to go fast, right? Hurry, hurry, hurry, fast, fast, fast. When actually, if we slow down and just imagine that you have all the time in the world and just move in a slower, more deliberate

pace, that changes our perception. That makes time move slower. And on the other hand, if you're doing something that you just can't wait to get over, you know, our tendency is to kind of drag our heels and go really slow. When if you can, flip into a physical momentum, you know, get music going, get your body moving. That makes time feel like it's going faster. That's a really simple application that really, really does work just in our everyday moments. It is interesting that when you're doing something you love, time goes by so fast. Wouldn't it be nice if it was the other way around?

Yes, yes. you love time goes by so fast when wouldn't it be nice if it was the other way around yes yes but it's not I mean that's a unit pretty universal experience that you know when you're sitting sit down to do something you really love ten minutes later it's four hours later yeah yeah and I think that that it's I think that we can actually harness that and become, I think that time slows down when we are aware of time itself. And so I talk about in creating time, reaching a blissful state of being less aware of time itself, but more aware of the present moment. So really honing in on focus, focus on the specifics, taking in your senses, really being here right now, connecting and focusing on one single thing. And that is a wonderful way to make time slow down and give us the time that we need. Yeah, because so often we're here and now,

but we're thinking about later this afternoon or the meeting tomorrow or the report we have to write, and we're not really here, we're there. Yeah. When I did some research with some test groups to test different elements that affect our perception of the flow of time, one of the key factors is the difference between focused time and scattered time. And when we're focused on just one thing, that makes time move more slowly. And as you said, Mike, when our focus is scattered, time moves more quickly. And this material really

came from my own personal experience at the very beginning when I became a new mother and realized that I was never, ever just doing one thing. If I was working, I was worrying about my baby. If I was with my baby, I was thinking about work. And I was becoming this partial person and realizing I was never really there. And no wonder I couldn't grab hold of time, because I was never embodying time. I was chasing it. So we've got focus and movement. What else will help us manipulate our perception of time? I think that there are lots of things that will do that. I have a couple of different exercises that are imagination tricks, really tapping into imagination, because I think that imagination is our greatest human resource. And to just think of our moments, for example,

when we want time to slow down, think of mentally taking snapshots of the moment. If you have a deadline when you're needing more time, really stopping to kind of mentally click each moment is a great way to slow it down. I'm speaking with Marnie Macrodakis. Her book is called Creating Time, Using Creativity to Reinvent the clock and reclaim your life. Since I host a podcast,

it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, Thank you. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back, and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed, critical thinker. Check out the Jordan Harbinger Show.

There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our Lister poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture.

Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday,ie, when people watch the clock, I assume, and my experience is that it typically slows time down. It's like, you know, a watch pot never boils. Absolutely. The more aware we are of time itself. I did an exercise where I had people, I asked them to spend what they thought was one minute doing a creative exercise. And first of all, it was amazing how inaccurate our perception of a minute was. Something like 98% of the participants were off by more than 15 seconds. And then in looking back at the results of how long is a minute and comparing that to asking their perception,

were you more focused on the task at hand or were you more focused on thinking about the minute? Well, guess what? When they were thinking about the minute, that's when they thought time was even slower than it really was, when they were really focused on the minute. And when they were kind of lost in the minute, that's when they thought time was even slower than it really was, when they were really focused on the minute. And when they were kind of lost in the activity, that's when they thought it went faster than it did. Well, I can think of the times back in school when it's almost time for the bell to ring

and you just stare at that clock and it's like, come on, come on, come on. It takes forever. And that's the perception of clock watching that just time really drags. And I think one of the things that I really wanted to introduce in the book, which, of course, if we're looking at a new relationship with time, we have to look at a new relationship with timekeeping devices. It's interesting the relationship we have with different clocks in our lives. You know, I have a different relationship, I'd say, with the clock on my oven

than I do with the clock in my car or the clock on my phone or the clock on my computer. I want to go back to something you said that, you know, when you're focused on one thing, that time will slow down. But often when you're focused on one thing that you're really into, that's not true. Time goes so fast because you're so into it. Is there any way to, when you're doing something you really enjoy and normally time flies by, to slow it down and still enjoy it? Yeah, I think that what you've tapped on, I think, is often a state of flow.

When we get so absorbed in an activity, it's not even so much that time goes by, that it's not like we feel that time is going by so quickly. It's that it feels timeless. We lose track of time completely. And that is this phenomenon of flow. And that's something that I hear from creative people a lot is, you know, how can I grasp onto those enjoyable moments instead of thinking, oh, where did the time go? And so I think, again, slowing down, focusing, really being aware of the moment, taking in the senses. Notice everything happening at once, really seeing all the layers, the colors, the motions, the sounds, the smells. These are the things that even when you're doing something that you love, when you want to just expand that moment, take in, take in on all of those different levels.

Sitting with those sensations helps shift that perpetual motion and helps us ground us in awareness and presence. So I think that it is. It's sort of a paradox because we do. We want to have that sense of timelessness, but then we wonder where does it go. Right. So I think it's finding, it's connecting to flow, being less aware of time itself, but more geared and anchored to the present moment. I heard some advice once that I tried that worked really well for me,

and that was to go from a list-oriented day to a schedule-oriented day, to schedule events by time rather than start at the top of the list and work your way down, because inevitably some of the things near the bottom never get done yeah and um but but maybe the list works for other people i i don't know but i was just wondering if if we structure our day in kind of this prison of between 12 and 1 i mean we're so we're going to do this that that that's that that's too restrictive and that that's making us too focused on the ticking clock rather than flowing with what we need to flow with. Yeah, I think that perhaps what I would recommend is something that is maybe in between.

It's not really a list because I think a list is very, as you said, it's very task-driven. And, you know, the reality of a list scheduled day is that often, if you assign time values to those items on the list, you'll find that, you know, you're expecting 30 hours of work to happen in an eight-hour day because our expectations of time are so skewed so often. So that's, I think, a problem with a list-focused day. And I agree with you that a schedule-focused day can also be a bit rigid. And so I think that a key may lie in making sure that there are those moments that are unscheduled.

In the book, I call it unplanning, so that you have that time to allow yourself to enter nonlinear space and time, because that's where the great ideas, the great connections, the synchronicities, that's the terrain where those things lie. That's where meaning lies. And so I think that bringing in unplanned, unscheduled time into every day is so important. And I think perhaps a somewhat universal experience with people who

schedule their day fairly rigidly is they're always running late. And some of the best time management advice I ever heard, and I don't remember who it was from, was remember this, nothing takes 10 minutes. And nothing does take 10 minutes. Nothing takes 10 minutes. Because you go print something out and now the printer needs ink, or needs ink, and you didn't count on that. Or the gas station has a line. And people don't schedule, they don't allow for those things, and so they're always running late, so they're always feeling stressed, which just kind of crushes all creativity, it seems. Yeah, and I think that a schedule-run day, I mean, again, it puts us back in so that the emphasis is on the quantitative. And I really want to, want us all to see if we

can embrace a qualitative sense of time, so that rather than being so focused on how long something takes, we can measure time by our experience, how much you learn, how much joy you feel, how relaxed you are. And I do want to clarify that incorporating new qualitative measurements like these, it doesn't mean that we're foregoing linear methods entirely. As you said, you know, what do I do as a busy guy who needs more time? What I propose is that we become more aware of both kinds of time, qualitative and quantitative. But the qualitative measurements are the ones that are in the long run more important. And I think our sleeping hours are a great example. Most of us would prefer to get six hours of really deep, restful sleep rather

than nine hours of tossing and turning about. And, you know, we can be aware of the number of hours we sleep, even plan our schedule to, you know, try to ensure that we sleep a number of hours, but we're really more focused on the quality of sleep that we have achieved. And I think that's a great model for evaluating our time. We can be aware of the hours and the minutes that are passed,

but the quality of those moments is more important. Yeah, it's like at the end of the day, what's more important to have done everything on the list and in the schedule or to have found that aha moment because you spent a little extra time at the expense of something else and you feel great about it? I mean, which is the better end of the day? Exactly. Which is the better day, and which is going to matter? You know, that wonderful adage of, you know, is this going to matter five years from now, ten years from now?

Which one is going to matter more? Which is going to give you, which is going to place you in the life that you want to live? And I think that, you know, we're so driven right now, we're so time-based, multitasking, we're doing, doing, doing more. But because, as we spoke about before, you know, multitasking is obviously the opposite of focused time. So we're doing more and more, but it feels like time is going by faster and faster. And so we feel like we're doing less and less. We have less satisfaction, less meaning, more frustration, more stress. So yeah, I mean, I think that exactly

going back to meaning and what really, really matters, you know, what time is it really? That's something I use for myself to tell the truth about time. I say, well, this has to be done in 10 minutes. Really? Does it really have to be done in 10 minutes? You know, does it really? And of course, sometimes it does, but more often than not, if we really tell the truth about the time that matters, we have a lot more time than we think we do. Which is an optimistic note to end this discussion. Marnie Macrodakis has been my guest. Her book is Creating Time, Using Creativity to Reinvent the Clock and Reclaim Your Life. There's a link to her book at Amazon in the show notes. And thank you for your time, Marnie. Appreciate it.

Do you love Disney? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. There is nothing we don't cover. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney-themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed, but you definitely need in your life. So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. People often look at me with confusion when I ask them what their only one in the room story is. They think it has to be like mine, where I went to a 600 person event and discovered that I was the only black person there. I know. Horrifying, right? Hi, I'm Laura Cathcart-Robbins and I am the host and creator of the podcast

Only One in the Room. Every week, my co-host Scott Slaughter and I invite you to join us for an hour and lose yourself in someone's only one story. This podcast is for anyone who's ever felt alone in a room full of people, which is to say that this podcast is for everyone. Parenting is definitely different than it used to be. Maybe different for the better in some ways and maybe different for the worse in some ways. But my sense is that most parents want to do a good job, want to be good parents, and a lot of parents struggle with guilt that they're not being good parents. Dr. Wes Crenshaw joins me. He is what you would call a parenting expert. He is a psychologist, and he's written a couple of books, including Dear Dr. Wes for Parents and Dear Dr. Wes for Teens. Thanks for joining me, Dr. West. And so let's start with your basic philosophy about

parenting. Well, my one word concept for parents is that they have to be influential, that you really do have to be vested, that you do have to spend the time to build a relationship with your child before they ever get to adolescence so that you're able to be what we call in industrial psychology, the parent with referent power. That is, the child wants to emulate you, wants to be like you, and kids aren't going to, you know, jump up and raise their hand and say, wow, mom, I'm 15, and now I want to be just like you. But on down the road, they will unquestionably, the research tells us, revert to parents' way of thinking and being as adults. What does that mean to be influential?

It means you don't have to be the authoritarian parent, the tell-everybody-what-to-do, but you have to be the authoritative parent, the parent that the child believes has something worth contributing. And that takes a lot of relationship and a lot of investment and time. It means that you are an important part of your child's life, whether they will admit to that as a teenager or not. But although kids may have something to contribute, is because I said so still okay? Well, you know, it shows up a lot, so it hasn't gone away, but it's not very effective parenting. Kids, you know, it shows up a lot, so it hasn't gone away, but it's not very effective parenting. Kids, you know, one of the core ideas in psychology right now is what we call cognitive

behavioral therapy, which is the idea that we change how we think about things more than we necessarily are going to change the things. And so kids, to develop a cognitive structure, an idea of how they are and why they're behaving the way they are, have to understand why parents are thinking the way they're thinking. And if you tell somebody, you have to do that because I said so, that's what we call legitimate power. I'm the parent. And you can get away with that for a while, but eventually that's not what kids want to follow. That's not the discipline they want to follow. What's the discipline they want to follow? Well, as a teenager, of course, they want to follow their own discipline, but they're going to follow a parent's discipline when it seems to come with some wisdom and with some sensibility.

And when it comes from a parent who is respectable, a lot of parents like to opine on being respected by their kids, but the better thing to focus on is being respectable, and kids will let the parent have influence over the long haul when they see the parent as respectable as someone they would like to be like. And how do you do that? Well, again, you've got to be really active. Too many parents are awful busy today to really notice on a daily basis what their kids are doing, particularly with teenagers. An awful lot of parents love to rely on trust,

the idea that you have to be able to trust your child. And that tends to be more convenient for the parent than it does effective for the child. It makes it easier to not have to be as vested. And so parents have to be involved with their kids. They have to know their kids' friends. And have to, you know, have the kids over to their house and be a daily part of a teenager's life. And now, again, teenagers aren't going to jump up and thank you for that. But in the longer run, they look back and see that's some pretty good

parenting. Do you think that kids are basically trustworthy and not necessarily just teenagers, or to be trustworthy, must you kind of mature into an adult to understand what that actually means? Yeah, it's a really good question. I think children, I was just discussing this this morning, in fact, with some clients, the children are somewhat more trustworthy than teenagers because when you're 9, 10, 11 or so, that's sort of the golden age where they want to please you still and they want to live within the confines of the rules. Once they get to adolescence, I've done this for 19 years, I've probably seen about 20,000 hours of clients, and I've only met one teenager years. I've probably seen about 20,000 hours of clients. And I've only met one teenager who told me privately that she was trustworthy.

And after she came back from college, I met with her and she said, oh, you know, I was just lying about that. So teenagers know they're not trustworthy. It's the parents who want to believe in that. And what you can learn to do, some kids have better judgment than others. So when they're off doing things where they're not supposed to be doing them, when they're not supposed to be doing them, maybe they won't make the really bad decision. And part of knowing your kid is knowing what their judgment is like without giving yourself over to this idea of blind trust. But that sense of judgment, does that come because in families where theoretically people, the children have come up kind of in the same way by the same parents,

and some of those kids in the family might be a lot more trustworthy and trustable than others in the family. So where does that come from? That's such a good point. Even within the same family, each kid, you know, needs their own parenting manual. It's quite so hard to write a good point. Even within the same family, each kid needs their own parenting manual. It's quite so hard to write a parenting manual. And what parents have to do is learn to read and understand their kid, which is part of that very active involvement. And some kids sort of lean towards the inattentive side, even if that's not really a diagnostic situation, and some kind of lean towards the anxious side. And certainly the anxious ones

end up being usually more trustworthy, if you will, or more reliable than do the ones who lean towards the inattentive side because they just simply don't care as much what other people think. So you're absolutely right. There's variance inside a family. And oftentimes parents get on a parenting model or have read something in a book that, you know, gives them these kind of solid steps, these specific steps, and then they try to apply that to all their kids, and they can't figure out why it works on some and doesn't work on others. What do you think about, I mean, should parents have expectations of children and feel comfortable knowing that those expectations will be met, or is it part of being a kid to challenge those expectations? Well, yeah, that's all of the above and well put. I encourage parents to sort of have

two sets of expectations. Their external or public expectations and their internal or private expectations. And so it's okay to express to your child, I don't believe you should drink. I don't believe that you should be involved in premarital sex or whatever your set of values happens to be. And I'm going to hold you to that, and I'm going to give you consequences if I find out otherwise. But the internal expectation has to be to realize that there's going to be some of that as part of adolescence. There's going to be a push against those values. And that's what brings you to the really important point of parenting, and that is not to take anything personally. Parents who get confused about their expectations and really buy into every one of those high expectations are going to be sad

and disappointed. And then the kids feel that, and the kids feel that they are inadequate. And then that just starts a battle between parent and child. Yeah, I remember hearing someone say that, you know, every parent before they're done being a parent becomes disappointed in their child, that kids do let you down. Absolutely. And the point of being a teenager is not to sit around and please your parents. The point of being a teenager is to define your

own identity, which means to pull away from parenting values. And the point of being a parent is to try and instill those values and to hold the attention or the influence over your kids well enough so that they will ultimately be attracted to what you want them to learn. And that has to be a process of some tension. By its definition, there has to be that kind of tension for the kids to grow up and be able to function on their own. But in every household, there are rules. And what do you say parents ought to do when children break those rules? Well, I'm a big fan of consequences, of the natural and logical consequences. I think parents, where parents struggle at times, is they forget that their job is to do parent things, and teenagers' jobs are to do teenager

things. And parent things are setting rules and enforcing them. And a lot of parents look back to their own adolescence, particularly young parents, and they think, oh, you know, gosh, I did all these things. And how can I really be a hypocrite and stop my daughter or son from doing that? Well, you can because you're the parent now. And it's often hard for people to really make that conversion. You can't live your life today as a hypocrite and be an alcoholic or be violent and expect your children to not follow that. But you sure don't have to worry about who you were as a teenager. Now is the time you can stand up and set those rules and enforce them. But just don't take the infractions personally,

because that's not what the kids mean. They don't mean to hurt you with their bad behavior. Always? Oh, you know, when I say this, there are kids who will tell you i want to hurt my mom because i hate her so much right right that's just anger and if parents respond to that and say well see she hates me and you'll see this a lot you know that's just talk that's just angry talk and people say a lot of things they don't mean and teenagers being at the top of the list. And so parents have to step back and take a breath and realize that's just part of the growing up. So do they really want to hurt the parent? I have seen some of the worst

parents ever. And the child runs away from home and goes into foster care or whatever. And the minute that parent is sick or at any risk, that child will make a beeline to that parent so fast, you wouldn't believe it. And so the kid wants to love the parent. And even if that's not a parent, sometimes it's the truth. It is hard though, not to, when a child screams at you, I hate you. It's hard not to take that personally. I mean, this is your own flesh and blood that you raised, and now he's screaming at you that he hates you. Oh, sure. It's a lot easier for you and I to set these good ideals than it is to live with them every day. But that is what parents should aspire to. And being able to manage emotional reactivity in parenting is important because, you know, it's a bad day if the child and the parent are competing for who's the most upset at home.

The parent always needs to win that one. And even if it takes a walk around the block or a lot of deep breathing exercises or any other method, the parent is the adult and should have the maturity to maintain the emotional stasis in the home. The kids can't be expected to do that. Do you think that in a family that there are kids who are just more prone to behave and be compliant and want to please their parents, and there are just those kids who don't? Sure. And birth order, the psychologists who are really interested in birth order will always explain it that way. And there's something to be said for that. If the

oldest child may tend to be the one that's the leader, the more responsible. But the way I look at it is, again, you have the kids who lean to the anxious side and the kids who lean to the inattending side. And the more anxious the kid is, the more they will want to please the parent because they are fearful of losing that relationship. And so one brother may be worried about that and he will be the pleaser and the one that's always comforting and the one who doesn't misbehave and the one who gets the good grades. And then you have the other one who just doesn't care as much. And he's the rebel and the one that stays out late and the one who yells, I hate you. So parents are often just blown away by that. They can't figure out why Billy is one way and Susie is the other. And we think we raised

them the same. Well, I appreciate that. You know, I don't think any parent thinks they've got it nailed, that they've got parenting all figured out. There are always questions. There are always people wondering, you know, am I doing the right thing? And it's good to get some real common sense advice. Dr. Wes Crenshaw has been my guest. He is a psychologist and author of a couple of books, including Dear Dr. Wes for Parents and Dear Dr. Wes for Teens. There's a link to his books in the show notes for this episode of the podcast. You probably cannot count the number of times somebody has told you that you really

should drink more water. Yeah, we all know we're supposed to drink more water, but besides quenching your thirst and having no calories, what does water do for you? Well, it turns out it does a lot. Your kidneys don't have to work so hard to clean your blood. The kidneys are supposed to flush out toxins, and you make it a lot easier for them to do that when you give them plenty of water to flush things with. Your muscles will feel less fatigued when you drink water. When your muscles don't get enough fluids, they shrivel, and this causes muscle fatigue. Drinking an adequate amount of water energizes your muscles and helps them to perform at

their highest level. You'll also look a lot better. Dehydration makes your skin look and feel drier because when you're dehydrated, your body pulls moisture from your skin to hydrate your organs and this ends up making your wrinkles look deeper and can even make your eyes look sunken in. You'll also be less hungry. Drinking a lot of water and also eating food that is high in water content helps you feel hungry less often. And since water is such a high-volume liquid, it also helps keep your stomach full longer than other drinks do. And that is something you should know.

A reminder that if you ever hear an advertiser on this podcast and they have a special promo code or a special website for you to go to, all of that information is in the show notes for that episode, so you don't have to stop what you're doing and write it down. You will always be able to find promo codes and websites in the show notes. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced.

She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. and uncover the blasphemous truth that ours is not a loving God, and we are not its favored children. The Heresies of Randolph Bantwine, wherever podcasts are available.