Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: How to Ask Great Questions & Escaping Your Emotional Baggage

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Starting point is 00:00:17 You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. Today on Something You Should Know, what is it about texting and driving that makes it so dangerous? This will surprise you. Then, questions are a great way to communicate and connect, if you ask the right questions. One of the things that I use to measure whether a question is good or not is whether there

Starting point is 00:00:51 is actually curiosity behind it. So you know you're asking a bad question when you don't really want to know the answer, right? That means it's not a very good question. Plus, when women stare at attractive men, what is it they're staring at exactly? And how the baggage from your past can get in your way today, if you let it. My family was so full of drama and tragedy, I just kind of stayed under the radar. And it took a long time to think, wow, you know, I've got something of worth to say.

Starting point is 00:01:21 And I've got things to do in life that are important, at the very least to me. All this today on Something You Should Know. This is an ad for BetterHelp. Welcome to the world. Please read your personal owner's manual thoroughly. In it, you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind. Thank you and have a nice life. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp Online Therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more. That's betterhelp.com. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts and practical advice

Starting point is 00:02:07 you can use in your life today something you should know with mike carothers hi welcome if you've ever texted while you were driving even though you're not supposed to if you've ever done it you know that it is incredibly distracting. But wait, there are plenty of other things that distract us when we drive that don't cause accidents like texting does. So what is it about texting that makes it so distracting? Well, a study at the University of Houston came up with some interesting answers. They had volunteers drive in a simulator under four different conditions. Normal focused driving, driving while trying to answer challenging questions,

Starting point is 00:02:52 driving while being asked emotionally charged questions, and driving while texting. And what's so interesting about this is that in all cases, except driving and texting, the volunteers were protected by this sixth sense that kept them safe. There is part of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex, or ACC, and that's known to automatically intervene as an error corrector when there's a conflict. So when the driver's mind wanders, this sixth sense prevents them

Starting point is 00:03:26 from veering off the road. But it needs support from the driver's eye-hand coordination, and the eye-hand coordination isn't available if you're texting. And that's what seems to make driving and texting so very, very dangerous.

Starting point is 00:03:42 And that is something you should know. You navigate every day of your life by asking other people questions. Think about how many questions you ask people every day, from the simple, hey, how are you, to asking for directions, or asking your boss for a raise, or asking very deep, thoughtful, probing questions. Of course, the purpose of asking any question is to get an answer. But the interesting thing is that the quality of the answer you get is directly related to the quality of the question you ask. Asking better questions will get you better answers,

Starting point is 00:04:24 according to journalist Warren Berger, who has taken a deep dive into the research about questions, and he's written a book called The Book of Beautiful Questions, the powerful questions that will help you decide, create, connect, and lead. Hey, Warren. Hi, it's good to be here. So you have perhaps a deeper appreciation and understanding of the power of questions than most of us have. So how do you approach this topic? I've been studying it for a while now, and initially I came at it from the angle of a journalist. So I was asking a lot of questions. I was a reporter for newspapers for a long time. And, you know, I thought of it as a tool for kind of eliciting information from people,

Starting point is 00:05:10 which it is. That's a very valuable use of questioning. But over time, I started to study it as a subject and began to appreciate that it has so many, there's so many great things that questioning does. Like, for instance, you know, the questions you ask other people are really good for not only gathering information, but building relationships with other people. It's one of the best ways to engage with people. And then the other thing which I hadn't really thought about is the importance of the questions you ask yourself. Because when you kind of step back and ask yourself questions about your own life or what it is you're trying to do,

Starting point is 00:05:51 it can really help you to think more deeply. When you ask questions about the world around you, like why does this thing work this way? And why hasn't someone come up with a better X or Y? When you ask those kinds of questions, it can lead to innovation and change. So I just found it to be this really powerful force in our society, in our world, that is kind of underappreciated. Well, I suspect you're right, because as I said a moment ago, we don't really think about this as a topic. Questions are just, you know, it's like walking. You put one foot in front of the other. If you need to know something, you ask a question.

Starting point is 00:06:29 We don't think about the topic of questions. And yet, how many of us know somebody who asks us really good questions and we connect with that person and we like that person because they're asking us about what we think? And there's so much to this if you peel back the onion a bit. Yeah, absolutely. And it's a funny thing about questioning, like, it's not that hard to do, but you have to pay attention to it. So, I mean, it's not hard to do in the sense that kids are great at it. You know, we sort of instinctively know how to ask questions. But the problem is, we sort of get out of the habit of asking questions. You know, I mean, it's something we do a lot when we're younger. And then as we get older, we do

Starting point is 00:07:10 it less and less. And the other thing we get into the habit of doing is asking really rote questions, you know, kind of thoughtless questions like, how are you? What's up? You know, and so we don't put a lot of thought or effort into our questioning. And the difference between asking someone a rote question, you know, how was your day, as opposed to asking a little bit more of a specific question, you know, what was the most interesting thing that happened to you today? Just by putting a little more specificity into questions, they become more powerful and more interesting to people. So I think that's kind of the thing to keep in mind about it is that, you know, pay attention to it, pay attention to the questions you ask, because the way you ask them and the tone you ask them in, all those things are going to impact the way a person responds.

Starting point is 00:08:09 Yeah, well, like you said, we ask questions like, hey, how's it going? I don't really want to hear how it's going. No. Especially if... I find myself, it's funny, I find myself giving talks in front of groups of people, and I'll say, how is everyone this morning? And then I realize that's the most ridiculous question, right? First of all, you know, everyone is different. Everyone in the room is different. So it's like, you know, we get into the habit

Starting point is 00:08:28 of asking these sort of pointless questions. Bosses do this at work. And I talk to managers and executives a lot and say, don't go around and ask your people, you know, how's it going or, you know, what's happening. Try to ask them individualized, specific questions, and you're going to get a much better feedback. I think that's so important because of those kinds of questions of everything okay, how's it going, what's going on. Well, if things aren't going well, do you really want to hear that? Do you really want me to tell you all the problems I'm having with this thing I'm working on? Or do you want me to just say, hey, things are great? That brings me to, you know, one of the things that I use to measure whether a question is good or not is whether there is actually curiosity behind it. So you know you're asking a bad question when you don't really want

Starting point is 00:09:21 to know the answer, right? That means it's not a very good question. Good questions have curiosity behind them. And the curiosity is apparent in the question. The person on the other end can see, wow, this person's really curious. They really want to know about me or they want to know about something I'm doing. And, you know, we react a whole different way to curiosity than we do to, you know, just people asking questions as a formality or asking questions. Another thing to watch out for, people ask questions as a form of like veiled criticism, you know, like, what were you thinking? And it's like, you don't want to go there either. You know, like if you're going to really tap into the power of questions, you know, a really good rule to keep in mind is that it's directly tied to curiosity.

Starting point is 00:10:08 So if your questions are sort of being fed by curiosity, they will be much more powerful. Yeah, I think that's really important because a lot of times you can tell when someone's asking you a question, they're really just criticizing you. They're just, it's just, it's a, like you said, it's a veiled way to throw out criticism when you don't really want to know the answer to the question, what were you thinking? This is something that bosses do all the time and parents do it sometimes. And it really takes away the value of questioning if you're using it that way. Well, when you ask your kid who's running late, why are you late? Well, he doesn't know. What's he supposed to say?

Starting point is 00:10:50 Yeah, right. A lot of questions don't have answers, and they're not meant to. They're meant to make a point, usually a negative critical point, which doesn't typically help the conversation. Oh, no, absolutely not. So other than curiosity, how can people become better questioners? First of all, pay attention to the tone of your questions, because a lot of times we can be a little bit abrupt or aggressive in our tone when we're asking questions.

Starting point is 00:11:22 And the reason you have to be careful, like if you just come right in and ask them, why are you doing that? Or what's your story? That kind of questioning can sometimes set people back a little bit. They're like, oh, is this person interrogating me or what's going on? So I think when you ask questions of other people, try to frame it as you're interested, you're curious. In fact, one of the ways you can do that is it sounds kind of obvious, but use the word curious in there. You know, say, I'm curious to know something, and then proceed with your question. Or, you know, I was wondering about something, then proceed with your question.

Starting point is 00:11:58 That little preface is really important because it sort of relaxes people and it lets them know where your question is coming from. Sometimes what I also tell people is if you're asking a question that's a little bit of a difficult question and people, this gets a big issue in the workplace. A lot of times people want to ask their manager something or, and they're not sure if they should ask it. So one of the things you can do is start with curiosity. You know, say, I'm curious about something. Ask the question and then provide the rationale of why you're asking.

Starting point is 00:12:34 Say, you know, I'm curious about something. Here's my question. The reason I ask is because, you know, on my job I sometimes have this issue. So you're giving a little bit of a rationale for why you're asking that question. So those two things, the curiosity at the beginning and the rationale at the end, it makes sure that no one's going to misunderstand your question. A lot of times people misinterpret questions. They think you're being nosy. They think you're being critical. They think you're, I don't know, they have all kinds of reasons why they get defensive about questioning. So you want to put people at ease. That's a big, big thing. And another thing you want to do is listen and follow

Starting point is 00:13:15 up because that's really, that's going to indicate to people you're paying attention. So, you know, if you have a bunch of questions you want to ask someone, don't just go down a list, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Ask a question, listen to what they're saying, and try to ask a follow-up question that goes a little deeper on something they just said. You know, oh, that's interesting. Can you tell me a little more about that? Or what do you mean by this? You just said this. I'm wondering what you mean by that.

Starting point is 00:13:45 So that kind of follow-up questioning is really important. Well, I know what you said a moment ago about giving the reason why. And I remember I talked to someone. There was some research where they asked people who were waiting in line to make copies at a copier, could I cut in line? And people would let them cut in line if they told them why, because I'm running late for a meeting, or I've got to pick up my kid, or something like that,

Starting point is 00:14:16 compared to if they just said, can I cut in line? Oh, absolutely. Human beings like to know the reason behind it. Yeah, and that's true with questioning. And it's just one of those things, you know, questioning is confrontational. And that's one of the negative parts of it. It can be seen as confrontational. And that's why people all the time are nervous about asking questions at work, right?

Starting point is 00:14:43 They don't want to seem like, oh, gee, if I ask questions, am I going to be stepping over the line? You know, am I going to be upsetting someone in some way? So don't use that as a reason not to ask questions. Just keep it in mind and realize since it is inherently or it can be confrontational, do all you can to soften it, you know, and to make sure people understand why, that your questions are coming from a good place. You know, they're coming from a place of trying to understand, curiosity, trying to get better at

Starting point is 00:15:15 your job, whatever it is. I'm speaking with Warren Berger, and he is author of the book of beautiful questions. Contained herein are the heresies of Redolph Buntwine, erstwhile monk turned traveling medical investigator. Join me as I study the secrets of the divine plagues and uncover the blasphemous truth that ours is not a loving God and we are not its favored children. The Heresies of Randolph Bantwine, wherever podcasts are available. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world,

Starting point is 00:15:58 looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker, John Ronson,

Starting point is 00:16:34 discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. So Warren, I understand the case you're making that questions can really make a difference in a conversation. But I've also been in conversations with people where, you know, it's enough with the questions.

Starting point is 00:17:09 You're asking too many questions. You're being too nosy. And I've had people ask me things like, you know, when I first meet them, what are you passionate about? And sometimes I think, and maybe it has to do with the way they ask the question, but sometimes I think, wait, I don't know you well enough to share my passions, that asking me that, it's a little too much too soon. Really? Okay. Well, I mean, I've had really good reactions to that question, because I find that people are, even though they may not know you very well, they want to talk about what they're interested in. They want to talk about their passions. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, there doesn't have to be a deep connection to, in fact, a lot of people talk about the fact that we're often afraid to

Starting point is 00:17:55 dive into the deep end when we're early in relationships with people. We kind of hang around the shallow end of the pool, if you know what I mean, because we feel like, oh, I don't know this person well enough to start talking about, you know, what's going on in our lives, what we care about. But, you know, there's an argument to be made that it's okay to go into the deep end fairly quickly with people, because that's when you'll either click or not, you'll discover that there are common interests or not. And, you know, if there aren't, there aren't. But that's where you may, just in your first meeting with someone, discover that this is really, you know, this is a kindred soul. This

Starting point is 00:18:35 is someone that really is on the same wavelength as you, and that could lead to good things. So I tend to be of the school of thought that says don't waste a lot of time on shallow questions when you're getting to know people. It doesn't really get you anywhere. If you want to do the perfunctory, how are you at the beginning, okay, but try to move towards something a little more substantive early on because there's not a lot of risk there, you know, and I think you may open up something, you may open up something interesting. There does seem to be a line, though, there that, you know, too much too soon. It can be.

Starting point is 00:19:16 Yeah, you've got to be careful. That's my, well, my philosophy is go for it. And I'm sure it can backfire sometimes. Again, it's all about how you do it. It's all about the tone. You know, if you sense that someone is maybe feeling you're coming on too strong, you might want to dial it back a little bit. But I, again, I'll tell you, I find people are hungry for someone to ask them about their passions and their interests. They really are. And because they don't know what to talk about otherwise, you know, but if you give them the opportunity to talk about something they know about, something they're interested in, something they really care about, you know, they'll dive right in. And it can be a really

Starting point is 00:19:59 good way to almost bring out the best in someone, you know? So I'm a big believer in that. That's probably really good advice for when you're breaking the ice, when you meet people. But I wonder how things are different with the people we interact with every day where we're perhaps not quite so thoughtful about how we approach this. Yeah, you know, that's an interesting thing, too. I mean, because what I find is with the people we know really well, we stop asking questions, too, because we feel like we know it all already. Or we feel like, gee, it wouldn't make sense for me to ask my wife something about what are you really passionate about right now or what are you really interested in right now? Because I'm supposed to know that, you know, but the fact is we don't know a lot of times what's going on in someone's

Starting point is 00:20:50 life and their minds. And it doesn't hurt to give them that opportunity to express it. Even the people we're close to, I think we need to ask them more questions than we do. And I think we need to ask them questions about, you know, what's on your job? What's really going on? What are you excited about right now? Or what are you having a problem with right now? What's on your mind? You know, we need to give people a chance to sort of talk about that stuff, including the people who are close to us, because a lot of times they don't have any outlet for that. And if you don't give them an outlet and you're close to them, you're a good friend or you're a spouse or relative or something, if you're not going to give them an outlet, then who will, you know?

Starting point is 00:21:34 So I think it's really valuable to do that even with the people we're close to. Since you've been researching this, are there any other things that surprised you in looking at the research and learning about this topic that seem maybe counterintuitive or that people perhaps don't know? Yeah, there's a bunch of things. I mean, I'm just always surprised that questions are more powerful than statements, you know, and what I mean by that is there's evidence to suggest, and it's counterintuitive because we think statements are powerful, right? We think a person who comes out and makes a strong statement is powerful, and that's what's going to convince people, and that's what's going to have the most effect. In fact, questions can be more powerful because what they do is,

Starting point is 00:22:24 if you're trying to persuade someone of something, better to invite them to think about it than to try to tell them what to think. The famous one is, you know, the political campaign years ago, you know, it was I believe it was Reagan who asked, you know, the question. He got people to ask themselves the question, are you better off now than you were four years ago? What he was doing there is getting us to think about, you know, gee, am I better off? Do I want to make a change? As opposed to him saying, you are worse off now than you were four years ago. If he makes that statement that way, they might be skeptical about it, right? But when he gets them to think about it themselves, it can be more powerful. So that's what surprises me, the ways that questioning can be,

Starting point is 00:23:10 can have a more persuasive effect and a more, they can be more powerful than statements. Another interesting example I'll give you is, this one really fascinated me, something like New Year's resolutions, right? So we all do our resolutions as a statement, you know, to ourselves, or we write it down or whatever, but we say, I'm going to lose 10 pounds this year, you know, and it's a statement. So there was some research done out of, I think it was, it was the University of Chicago or somewhere in Illinois, University of Illinois. They did some great research that looked into what happens when, instead of making a statement about what you're going to do, you ask it to yourself as a question. So instead of saying, I'm going to lose 10 pounds, damn it, you've posed it

Starting point is 00:23:58 as a question of how could I lose 10 pounds? What could I do? How might I go about doing this? They found it was way more effective in terms of people taking action toward the goal. And why is it more effective? Well, questions sort of get into our heads. They invite us to think about a problem, to try to answer the question, to try to solve the problem. So our minds kind of go to work on it. And then we start to come up with ideas. Gee, you know, I could, well, one thing I could do to lose 10 pounds is I could do this.

Starting point is 00:24:28 And then the next day you might have another idea. So it's much more engaging to your brain when you ask yourself a question as opposed to giving yourself an order, which you will tend to kind of resist a little bit. So that's just another example of how it's just the idea that there's something about questioning. There's something about a question being an invitation to think or to engage. There's something very powerful about that that we don't fully appreciate. And it's why I think, you know, in a lot of cases, we should be turning our statements into questions. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:06 Well, and what you were talking about earlier about, you know, there's this general sense of asking, like if you were to ask your child's teacher, so how's little Johnny doing? You're going to get an answer that's pretty general. Well, he's doing fine. As opposed to stop for a moment and think, what do you really want to know? How is he doing in math specifically? How does he perform on tests?

Starting point is 00:25:31 But how's he doing is kind of a throwaway question that'll get you a throwaway answer. Yeah, so always, you know, you're always trying to go for a little more specificity and a little more, you know, try to, yeah, as you just articulated very well, you know, try to think about what it is you really want to know, you know, because again, questioning is all about curiosity. So try to unearth what your curiosity is. What is it you're interested in? What is it you're trying to find out? Well, since we all spend a good part of our

Starting point is 00:26:02 day asking questions, I appreciate the advice of how to ask the right questions and get the right answer. Warren Berger has been my guest. The name of his book is The Book of Beautiful Questions, the powerful questions that will help you decide, create, connect, and lead. And there's a link to his book at Amazon in the show notes. Thank you, Warren. Okay, that's great. It was really great talking to you, Mike. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill

Starting point is 00:27:04 about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back. And in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed, critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show

Starting point is 00:27:33 on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice.

Starting point is 00:27:51 Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our listener poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Starting point is 00:28:14 New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Everybody has baggage. And that is seldom said in a good way. We carry our baggage from our family and our childhood into our adult life. And if you let it, that baggage can really get in the way. So let's take a look at your baggage and see what it's doing and maybe how you can lose some of it. My guest is Libby Gill. She's the head of her own executive coaching firm.

Starting point is 00:28:49 She is the former head of communications and public relations for Sony, Universal, and Turner Broadcasting. She's an international speaker, a best-selling author, and one of her books is called Traveling Hopefully, How to Lose Your Family Baggage and Jumpstart Your Life. Hey Libby, welcome. Thanks Mike, I'm happy to be here. So it seems to me that some people have a lot more baggage than others, that their past weighs heavier on them than on other people. So talk about what this baggage is that we all carry around. It's funny. The further you go in life, the older you get. I think the baggage changes

Starting point is 00:29:30 as you change. But when I wrote this book, Traveling, hopefully it was about family baggage. It was about letting the events of your past define who you were in the present. A lot of tragedies and traumas in my past that I think even once I was past them had shaped my identity and even my self-perception to some extent. And I wanted to put that in the rearview mirror. So how does that work? Why is it that things that have happened in our past, we have trouble shaking, that they do frame who we are. There's a lot of science about that, in fact. And as my studies over the years as a writer have included some of that.

Starting point is 00:30:18 And there's one interesting thing called fear memory consolidation, the social scientists call it. And it basically says when you have some fear or trauma and you experience that at some point, you get past it, but you remember it. And as you, if you're in an experience that somehow evokes that memory, that you're calling up not the original incident that caused that, oh my gosh, what am I going to do kind of fight or flight response, but you call up the memory of that. And so each time as that memory, it gets reinforced and you are essentially remembering the memory of the memory of the memory. So what was initially a negative incident becomes, it looms much larger as life goes on. If you don't take it,

Starting point is 00:31:00 sort of drill it down and say, okay, I'm not part of this anymore. I reject this. So there are a lot of reasons we sort of cling to those things. Well, I guess it's hard not to because, I mean, we are the result of our experiences, and those are some of our experiences. But it does seem that there's a lot of that negative, oh, you're just like your mother kind of stuff. And no one ever says that in a good way. No, or what comes up, and it can be from a past marriage, family, workplace event, whatever it is that sticks with you. And we tend to embrace the negative much more easily than we do the positive. And people dredged up things, you know year old who said well I never graduated from college or a woman who was as highly

Starting point is 00:31:48 successful entrepreneur who said I was always bad at math you know that's what my dad said your brother's so much smarter you're so bad at math and years later with the spreadsheet and the net worth to prove her otherwise she still had that kind of lingering feeling and a lot of us do have that thing sort of hovering in the periphery of our brains, and you really have to shed some light on it in order to exorcise it. Yeah, well that's interesting that that example of someone who had those beliefs had objective proof that they weren't true, but believed them anyway. Right, exactly. And it was the same for me. I mean, I grew up in a house with mental illness

Starting point is 00:32:29 and suicide and alcoholism. And, you know, my family was so full of drama and tragedy, I just kind of stayed under the radar and came away, you know, by the time I was in my 20s, I put myself through college waiting tables. I was the fourth of six kids. They'd more or less forgotten about me by then. And I did okay. I went to a state school. I graduated. I got a job. I did all the stuff you're supposed to. But I kept myself very behind the scenes and very small because I had this underlying belief. Really, my thoughts and my dreams and my plans don't carry much weight. There's not much value there. And it took a long time to think, wow, you know, I've got something of worth to say.

Starting point is 00:33:12 And I've got things to do in life that are important, at the very least to me. And those things, I meet people who've gone through a lot of real traumas like I had. And a number of us think, you know, it set us back about 10 years. It took a while just to deal with that and come to grips with, hey, I really can do what I set my mind to. I really do have some value in society or in my marriage or in the workplace. It takes a toll if we let it go unchecked, because we just continue to believe what we believe. And do you think people continue to believe what they believe and have a sense that there's something wrong with it? Or there's nothing to compare it to, so we just believe it's all true?

Starting point is 00:33:57 I think that's right. And how it manifests is, gee, there's something missing or there's something big I want to go after, but I never do, or I've got this idea, but I'm afraid to share it with anyone. So we, or I'm really good at this one thing, but it's the thing I care the least about all these other things that are really important. I'm sure I could never do that. So we find other ways to sort of hide ourself and our feelings unless we're willing to do the hard work of what I think is essentially, it sounds corny, but the work of life, which is truly self-reflection. So how does that work? How do you do that? People hear that phrase and think, well, so you sit by a pool and you burn incense and you chant. But what does it mean to, what's the way out here? How do you get rid of that baggage? Well, all I know is what worked for me. And now that I've been doing the work I've been doing for nearly 20 years, I see what works for other people. First is to take that deep dive

Starting point is 00:35:00 into yourself, not to stay in the past forever, but to look at what are your beliefs? You know, if you said, what on the deepest level do I think is true about me? What would that be? And positive and negative. And really, and then really just, I call that dissecting your past so you can direct your future. Just really look at that and those negative beliefs beliefs are they true are they valid do they serve you do should they be guiding you and if not if you can say like the woman i mentioned you know what i'm really successful i own two houses i've run these businesses for all these years gee i guess i am smart and you know what i can't do math So the first step is to just in your head, intellectually recognize that the emotional and the psychological part doesn't come along right

Starting point is 00:35:51 away. But I had people, you know, write down that negative that's holding you back, that belief. I have one client who says, I just, everybody in my family's fat. I'm always going to be fat. And I could go through all the, well, have you tried this? Have you tried that? No, that's not going to work. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. It's like, well, how do you know it's not going to work if you haven't done it?

Starting point is 00:36:12 You are accepting this belief just based on the fact that that's what you and your family say about yourselves. Okay, so now you're going to try some things out that are really uncomfortable. And we are, of course, creatures of habit. We just continue to do what we did unless there's either an incident that takes us out of that, like an illness or an accident that sends us charging in some other direction. Or we call halt and say, okay, I'm going to really do that painful work of excavating all of that stuff and getting out what I refer to as the emotional relics. They're there like some archaeological dig, but they're no longer relevant to my life. And yet, I keep clinging to that idea that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or worth anything, or I can't run a business, whatever those things are. And then

Starting point is 00:37:01 you have to unravel them bit by bit over time. Sounds hard. Sounds hard to do. It is hard. That's why I know people, there's one acquaintance of mine, she's been in the same job for 30 years, and she's complained about it for 30 years. To the point that, you know, nobody listens to her anymore. Gee, why am I not on the short list for these other jobs? Why doesn't anybody call me? Because you haven't moved in 30 years. Nobody believes that you're ready for a change. It's easier to stay where you are. It's a lot harder to say, I'm going to stop that bad relationship or get out of that bad job or start something that I feel really excited about and maybe it'll fail. I mean, when I decided I always wanted to write a

Starting point is 00:37:46 book, I always sort of fancied myself as a writer. That was one thing I was good at in school. But you know, I had to get a job, take care of people. And that was realistic and practical. And I don't regret that. But finally, I got to that point of it's now or never. And I bought a book off of Amazon on how to write a book proposal. And it took me a year to write a book proposal, and I sold it. But there was no magic to it. I just finally said, it's now or never. I'm doing it this year.

Starting point is 00:38:14 And I did. It seems that there's this, when people talk about their family and, oh, you know, you're like your father, you're like your mother, you know, that runs in the family kind of, there's a kind of resignation, like, and so therefore you're stuck with it. You know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree kind of thinking that makes you think, well, there's no hope. That's an easy way out, isn't it? And you can be, it's those, you know, what was the hushed belligerents or the people that live that life of sort of quiet, they've given into it. Yeah, quiet resignation.

Starting point is 00:38:55 And that's easier in a lot of ways. And it's being sort of comfortable. And if you're comfortable with that, you're going to stay with that unless you find some greater passion that's going to pull you out of the fear or your life comes crashing to a halt which frankly is when most people change their lives they a spouse dies they get divorced something tragic happens and they've got to regroup and say wow i can't do that any longer i better figure out a new path that's the hard way to do it. I mean, who wants that to happen? It's much easier to say, well, maybe it's not easier, but to me, it's much more enjoyable and pleasurable to say, hey, I've always wanted to do this. Why not give it a try? I have a colleague who decided she was going to up and go around the world with her two young children and her husband. And they're on now, I get the occasional WhatsApp message, they're on country number three. That sounds really hard to do. But she said,

Starting point is 00:39:50 we're doing it. And they did. And they are. So it's the perseverance, it's the conviction of your heart and your gut. And it does take some courage and strength. It does take some courage and strength, because I'm sure there are so many people who think about making a change, of trying something new, of doing something different, and think, yeah, but what if that goes wrong too? Well, it depends where you set the bar for failure. And for me, failure is you just didn't learn anything. So I set the bar really low. If I do something and it doesn't work and I didn't learn anything, that's a problem. If I do something and it absolutely tanks and I get it, that goes in the plus column for me. I mean, that's just what

Starting point is 00:40:38 I've decided to do. It's I'll try it. And, you know, I'm not a famous writer, executive coach, but I've built a career that's lasted me 20 years on my own, based on my own talents and skills and how I want to spend my time. And to me, you know, there are plenty of people who are a lot richer, probably a lot smarter, more well-known, and I'm kind of okay with that. When you talk to people, though, and maybe you're not a good person to ask this because you're dealing with people who are looking for help and who want to change and all that. But I wonder if it's more common for people to feel stuck, that life always goes wrong, bad things always happen or whatever. And that's where the self-reflection ends, that it's not, there's nothing more than I'm just doomed. So therefore, there's nothing to do except wait out life until it's over. Yeah, right. And what kind of choice is that? But I tend to have people who come to me who aren't necessarily supercharged about where to go next. It's often a feeling of there's something missing and I don't know what it is.

Starting point is 00:41:51 And I never believe the I don't know what it is part. They're not allowing themselves to either give voice to or to rock the boat with their family. And I'll tell you about one woman who was very high level partner in a law firm, very successful. She could have done that forever. But she came to that point in life, as many people do around their 40s or so, of, gee, I want a deeper sense of purpose. And this isn't it. I've done it. And it's been great. And so we looked at what does that mean and sort of explored some different courses. Did she want to try and people always start with their career before they want to go to the personal.

Starting point is 00:42:26 And, gee, do I want to be an attorney in another firm? Should I just make a move? We ruled that out after a few conversations about why start all over to do exactly the same thing. Well, gee, let me try this. Do I want to be an entrepreneur? No, I can't. I don't have the stomach for that.

Starting point is 00:42:41 Well, maybe I can be a public servant. And after lots of things that seemed completely unrelated, like getting her to join a running club and go on a couple of dates and things that made her just try something new and different and scary, and she found out the world was not going to fall apart around her when she did those things, they were fine. She decided, okay, a friend, and I put her on a very very precise exploratory kind of path and somebody said hey there's a seat open for a judge would you run for it and she was of course scared to death but she decided she'd give it a try and we talked it through and that's what I do

Starting point is 00:43:18 and it's like hey you're gonna have to tell your firm that you're doing this you're gonna have to go out and collect signatures and it may not work Are you willing to take that risk? And after a lot of times of trying these other risks, she said, yeah. And she did. And she didn't win. But then the next year, another judgeship opened up. Ten years later, she's been a judge all this time. And it's, you know, and I write about those stories because there are some people that it's like, wow, you got to put the dynamite under them to get them to move even though they know they're not happy. And other people are just, you know, point me in a direction. Help me get there faster or somewhere in between. But I think a lot of people have that, oh, it's lives of quiet desperation.

Starting point is 00:44:01 That was the phrase I was searching for. But a lot of people will stay in that. And I think most of them don't have to. So what's a good first step for someone listening to you thinking, well, you know, it sounds like a scary journey, but you know, the old every journey starts with a single step. So what's step one? Well, it would be too self-serving to say, take a peek at my book, You Unstuck, but that's where I started. Look at yourself. Write out.

Starting point is 00:44:29 There's some power and magic in words. Write out. What's my ideal life? Take yourself through what would 24 hours in your best life look like? And just write it down in a little journal. I mean, for years when I was trying to figure all this stuff out, and I wouldn't say I'm completely there, but I'm a lot further along than I was back then. I bought those little speckled composition books, you know, that you buy for a bucket Target or Walgreens. And I would write.

Starting point is 00:44:57 I would just sort of journal. And then I would give myself exercises. And that's really what's in this book, the exercises that I use to get me through is start there. What does a great day look like? Are you in your job that you're in now? Are you in your marriage? Are you alone? Are you with children or grandchildren?

Starting point is 00:45:15 I mean, how are you spending your day? Who's around? What are your surroundings like? What gives you joy? And write that day and think about, well, how much of that do you have now? Do you have some of it intermittently? Do you have all of it or a lot of it? And start right there with, allow yourself to think about and just fantasize. What do I really want in life? Because, you know, I'm at that point in life, it's like that, you're not getting any younger. I mean, who knows how long life will be, even though we think now we're going to live forever.

Starting point is 00:45:48 You know, people are living to 100 and feeling really good about it. My mom lived till 97 and was healthy right up until the end. But who knows if that's my fate or your fate? So why not consider what would really be my best possible life? Yeah, well, that's a good question probably everyone should ask. Libby Gill has been my guest. She is the head of her own executive coaching firm.

Starting point is 00:46:12 She's the former head of communications and public relations for Sony, Universal, and Turner Broadcasting. And she's author of a couple of books, including Traveling Hopefully, How to Lose Your Family Baggage and Jumpstart Your Life. You'll find a link to her book in the show notes. Thanks, Libby. Thank you, Mike.

Starting point is 00:46:32 Men have often been criticized for staring at attractive women, but women check out men, too. What makes women stare at men? Well, it's been studied and here's what was found as reported in Women's Health magazine. On the beach, when you're in a bathing suit, women notice a man's abs, face, shoulders, and biceps, in that order. Abs, face, shoulders, and biceps. On the street, the first thing they notice is your eyes, followed by your smile, your height, hands, and your overall style. But the one trait that seems to trump all others is confidence. Any man who projects confidence appears instantly more attractive. And that is something you should know.

Starting point is 00:47:20 One thing we know about the audience for this podcast is it continues to grow, and it grows primarily from word of mouth, people like you telling your friends. So please share this podcast with someone you know. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity.

Starting point is 00:48:08 The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth.

Starting point is 00:48:23 Chinook, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a co-founder of the Go Kid Go Network. At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lightning, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. During her journey, Isla meets new friends, including King Arthur and his Knights of the

Starting point is 00:48:57 Round Table, and learns valuable life lessons with every quest, sword fight, and dragon ride. Positive and uplifting stories remind us all about the importance of kindness, friendship, honesty, and positivity. Join me and an all-star cast of actors, including Liam Neeson, Emily Blunt, Kristen Bell, Chris Hemsworth, among many others, in welcoming the Search for the Silver Lining podcast to the Go Kid Go network by listening today. Look for the Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: How to Ask Great Questions & Escaping Your Emotional Baggage

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