Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: How to Heal Emotional Injury & How Trust Works

Episode Date: May 9, 2020

If you use a wire brush to clean your outdoor grill – you should stop because someone could get hurt. I’ll start this episode by explaining why. http://www.aol.com/article/2016/05/31/study-highlights-serious-dangers-of-using-wire-bristle-grill-bru/21386551/ We don’t hesitate to treat physical wounds – but emotional wounds are things we tend to shrug off and assume time will heal – except sometimes it doesn’t. Psychologist Guy Winch author of the book Emotional First-Aid (http://amzn.to/2qH30nb) explores these wounds caused by failure, guilt and rejection and how to treat them. Your personal and professional success depends a lot on how well people can trust you. Consultant and speaker David Horsager, author of the book The Trust Edge (http://amzn.to/2rLg1QH) explains how important trust is and how to be more trustworthy. Look around and you will see a lot of fashion mistakes committed by men. We’ll discuss the big ones – according to Esquire magazine. http://www.esquire.co.uk/style/fashion/news/a5024/worst-style-mistakes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu.

She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, if you use a wire brush to clean your outdoor grill, you need to hear something before someone gets hurt. Also, understanding and treating emotional pain, like failure.

When we fail at something, it changes our perception of the thing we failed at, such that we tend to see that goal as more difficult to achieve than it actually is, and we tend to see our skill set and our abilities as more deficient than they actually are. Then, some common fashion mistakes men need to stop making, and understanding trust and how to use the power of trust to your advantage. I define trust as a confident belief in. So if I confidently believe in you, if I confidently believe in Mike, costs go down, skepticism goes down.

When I can confidently believe that when you say that you mean it, everything changes. All this today on Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives, and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology.

That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. Something You Should Know. Fascinating intel, the world's top experts, and practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hi, welcome to Something You Should Know. This episode is publishing on Saturday, May the 9th.

And depending on where you are in the world, chances are things are starting to warm up a bit. Where I am in California, we're having mostly sunny skies and a high in the 80s. And so we've already started our outdoor cooking this year, and perhaps you have too, and if not, you soon will be. And I came across this thing that I think is really important. If you use a wire brush to clean your grill, stop. The wire brush has been a standard grill cleaning tool for a long time now, but there have been more and more incidents of people ingesting the wire bristles or fragments of the bristles. What happens is you're cleaning the grill with the brush and those bristles can break off if you clean too hard or the bristles get

loose or whatever, and then they wind up on the grill getting cooked into your food, and that poses a real hazard. Ingested bristles can do damage to the mouth or the throat, or even go farther down and wind up perforating the intestine. And you say, well, come on, I've never heard of that before. But the fact is there have been over 1,600 cases of people being treated for this in the ER since 2002. So it is a real thing, and it's something you should know. So life has a way of dishing up hard times now and again. Rejection, guilt, failure, all these things can cause emotional wounds. And most of the time you shake them off and time helps to heal and sometimes not.

So what do you do about those more serious emotional wounds that don't seem to heal on their own? Here to discuss that is psychologist Guy Winch, who is author of a book called Emotional First Aid. Welcome, Guy. And so I think people don't generally think of emotional wounds as something that you do anything about for the most part. They're part of life. When bad things happen, you suck it up, you shake it off, you move on. Which is interesting because we don't have that attitude when it comes to physical injuries. We know we have to put antibacterial ointment on a cut,

and we know we have to treat a cold. And it's the same is true of emotional and psychological injuries. We can sometimes just get over them, but by not treating them, we're making it more risky for them to become infected, for them to take longer to heal, for the emotional pain to persist. Is just trying to shake it off and let time pass, does it not work? It works sometimes, and small injuries in which we can shake them off and they're not going to bother us, that's a fine thing to do, but a lot of the times these things nag at us,

and we're still thinking about them, and we're still stewing about them, and we're still hurt about them, you know, hours, days and weeks later. And that's a sign that we really need to treat what's going on because we're not just shrugging it off. We're not getting over it. And it just keeps piling on and piling on and piling on. It keeps piling on and down the road.

It can also impact not just our long-term mental health or emotional well-being, but as I say in the book, there are many kinds of emotional injuries that severely impact our physical health as well as our emotional health. And so let's talk about sort of some specifics of how you do this. I mean, when do you do it, how do you do it, and what is it you do? Well, it depends on what the injury is, because the thing is that certain kinds of emotional injuries impact us in ways that we don't quite expect or realize. So, for example, when we have a problem with brooding or rumination, when we are stewing about something and we just can't get it out of our minds, that doesn't just impact our

mood. It doesn't just make us more upset or more angry each time we rethink the event or, you know, picture the scene and the experience over and over again. But it can actually impact our decision-making. It can impact our stress levels. It can put us long-term at risk for cardiovascular disease. So we really have to know in what ways we're being impacted by these wounds before we can begin to address how to treat them. And everyone is impacted differently by, I mean, rejection might not be as big a problem for you as it is for me? That's true. We all have our sensitivities to some things more than others, but in general, we're usually all impacted in similar ways. And we know it, right? I mean, when we get that

sting of rejection, I mean, there's no question what it is. When we get the sting of rejection, when we feel emotionally hurt, it actually feels a lot like physical pain to us. And studies show that when we put people in MRI machines, those scans that actually can see what's happening in the brain when we're thinking or feeling certain things, the same pathways get activated when we feel rejection. That gets activated when we feel physical pain. Rejection is therefore extremely, extremely painful.

We certainly know when we're feeling it. Yeah, so when you feel it, though, you can't just make it go away. You can't just wish it away. That would be terrific, but we can't do that. But what you can do is understand that it's impacting you on a variety of levels. It's hurting your mood. It's probably hurting your self-esteem. It's probably making you very angry and making you feel aggressive. And it's impacting something that's called the need to belong,

because we all have this fundamental need to feel as though we're a part of our tribe, a part of our group, a part of a fundamental circle of people. And it impacts that. And so we actually have to address all those wounds. We have to find ways to reconnect to core people and groups in our lives. We have to find ways to get feedback from people who care about us and value us, that indeed we are valuable, indeed we are wanted. We actually have to take all these kinds of proactive actions to get back the things that are being, you know, at a loss or the things that are being damaged in that moment. Are some things like guilt, I mean, if you really did something

that was just poor judgment, I mean, in retrospect, you wish you'd never done guilt, I mean, if you really did something that was just poor judgment, I mean, in retrospect, you wish you'd never done it. I mean, it's done. There it is. In some cases, it's done or there it is. But usually guilt is about something that's relational. In other words, you did something in poor judgment that actually harmed another person. And so it's done, but there's forgiveness to be had from the other

person. There's atonement to be made in those kinds of scenarios. There's a way in which you want to at least try and communicate to the other person that you have a very clear impact of your actions and what impact your actions had on them, what they're feeling, what they went through, so that you can get their forgiveness. There are ways in which you can try and atone for what you did and do makeups. There are ways in which you can try and forgive yourself if that's not possible. So yes, the action is done, but the problem with guilt is when it lingers, when it's excessive, and it doesn't just fade in time, it just really lingers and bothers you, and you do have to take some kind of action in that situation. Do you believe or do you know that the more you experience, say, failure or rejection,

does it get easier to take? It doesn't necessarily get easier to take with one exception. If we can do it all at once. So, for example, actors who rarely audition, if they go for this big audition and they don't get it, they might feel rejected. They might feel like they failed. But actors who audition regularly, who go on five or six auditions a day, it really doesn't bother them as much because they're used to it. Their skins are getting tougher. In the same way, if we're trying to place cold calls because we're looking for work or that kind of thing,

making one of those calls can be very tricky, but making 20 of them, much less so. Yeah, it's just getting up the whatever it is to get to that 20th call. It's so hard. Right, but the thing is that once you get to the second or third and you know you have another 15 to come, you just cross that one off your list and you go on. So you do develop within moments a thicker skin about it. However, if you then take three weeks off and start another call, you'll feel vulnerable again. It's when we do it all at once that we can actually thicken our skin, literally if we do it in chunks in the moment. Do you think that people try to do these things, this first aid kind of stuff, in their own way to try to self-soothe themselves and may or may not hit the mark, but that there's a natural kind of response to try to get rid of those horrible feelings?

People do try and self-soothe in some ways. Sometimes they're successful. They'll go and talk to somebody who's very supportive and empathetic, and they might feel a little bit better after that. A lot of the times they don't because they don't know what to do. So they'll, for example, turn to alcohol or they'll just go and overeat. A lot of eaters are emotional eaters, and that means that they tend to eat when they have emotional wounds,

or drinkers who try and numb their emotional pain by drinking or using other kinds of substances. So that happens as well. And then the other category is that there are certain times that we try and do the thing that we think will help us, and in fact, we're making things worse. So, for example, if we have an emotional wound, if we got rejected, and we just can't get that conversation with the person out of our mind, that breakup conversation, but it's been two months already and we're still talking about it with all our friends. We're still replaying it in our minds. We're still trying to figure out the nuances of what they said and how they meant it.

And maybe what we're doing there is we're actually deepening the wound, because when we're brooding like that, we're actually making things worse. We're making it more likely to think about that, for it to come unbidden into our minds and to sour our mood while it does. We're making it more likely for us to be upset and angry each time we think about it, and we're making it harder for us to stop that thought, because it's just like a broken record, and we're making it hard for us to stop that thought, because it's just like a broken record, and we're making it hard to stop the broken record. So there are certain things that we can do that actually are harmful.

And so that's why it's really important to know what are the things that are good to do for what kind of situation, when is it good to talk, when is it not, when is it good to share and how much, and when is it not. Can you run through just maybe one or two examples for some of the big psychological injuries to give what people's appetite for the kinds of things you're suggesting? Yes, so for example, I was just speaking about brooding and ruminating and stewing, and so I said that, you know, that is a problem because the problem with doing that is it doesn't

afford us new insights. We're just replaying the same painful thing over and over again, and it's almost addictive in the sense that we'll feel even more compelled to think about it. It'll pop into our minds even more, and it's a cycle you have to stop. And you can't just not think about something, because that doesn't work. We can tell ourselves, I'm not going to think about it. We're going to think about it more. What we can do then is understand that the cycle is not helpful and really try and distract ourselves by thinking

about something else each time the idea occurs to us or it pops in our head. And to do that, we have to think about something that's compelling, that makes us need to concentrate. Because if it's just a light thought, it won't be sufficient. So when the thought pops into our head that we're trying not to think about, we can try and, for example, remember the order of songs in a playlist on our iPod, or remember the order of books on a shelf, or try and recollect the words to a song we haven't heard for a while. That kind of concentration will force our mind off the brooding thought that we're going through. And if we do that each time, then the urge to think about it will reduce, the upset we feel about it will reduce,

and over time, we'll be able to, like, stop thinking about those things because there's no good that's coming from just dwelling on something that's painful that we can't do anything about, is one example. Perfect. I'm speaking with Guy Winch. He is a psychologist and author of the book

Emotional First Aid. Hi, I'm speaking with Guy Winch. He is a psychologist and author of the book Emotional First Aid. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a co-founder of the Go Kid Go Network. At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lightning, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. During her journey, Isla meets new friends, including King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, and learns valuable life lessons with every quest, sword fight, and dragon ride. Positive and uplifting stories remind us all about the importance of kindness, friendship, honesty, and positivity.

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Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So Guy, what about that feeling of failure? You know, when something goes wrong and you've just, everyone knows what I'm talking about, that feeling of failure that happens when you fail. It's horrible. Well, the thing about failure that really impacts us in ways we're not aware of is that when we fail at something, it changes our perceptions. It distorts our perceptions of the thing we failed at, such that we tend to see that goal as more difficult to achieve than it actually is. And we tend to see our skill set and our abilities as more deficient than they

actually are, literally in a distorted way, not in an accurate way. And we also tend to feel more helpless about being able to achieve the goal because we just failed it. And that changes our perceptions because we are then less likely to realize options that we have, ways in which we're not helpless, and we're likely to focus on all the ways in which we are. So we'll think about, well, there's nothing I can do about A, B, C, and D, and we'll not think about all the things we can do about F, G, et cetera, et cetera. So one of the things we have to do when we've failed is to realize that there are these distortions and try and focus, even by making lists of what are the variables, if we were to tackle

that again, that are in our control. And things like preparation and effort and getting more information are always in our control. They're always things that we can do differently or better. So it's really important to try and neglect what's not in our control, to really focus on what is in our control, and to really figure out what we need to learn from why we failed so that we can fix that for next time. You know, listening to you explain this is so fascinating because, as you said at the very beginning, when we're physically injured, we don't ignore it, and yet this stuff is so common for everybody, and yet, for the most part, we just try to shake it off, get through it, let time pass, whatever, and never really address it.

And the other shame about that, which I completely agree, but the other thing I think that is a shame to me, at least, and one of the things I hope will happen with this book, is that these are skill sets, and these are approaches we can teach will happen with this book is that these are skill sets, and these are approaches we can teach our children, because children know from a very young age that they have to brush their teeth so they don't get a cavity, and they have to put a Band-Aid on a wound so it doesn't get infected. And it's actually empowering for kids when they go and they put the Band-Aid on. They feel like, oh, I treated myself.

But if we could teach these techniques to children, and they're all techniques we can and should teach to children as well, then we'll be of experiences, so we'd feel much more able to tackle them, and much better at knowing what to do, rather than turning to alcohol or ignoring them. You do wonder why the kind of dysfunctional responses to these things are so similar, person to person, so common, if they maybe evolutionarily serve some purpose that now is not served? Well, actually, I mean, with physical injuries, the same was true when we didn't have the knowledge. For example, and I'm going back a ways here, but when the bubonic plague hit Europe, what people would do was close all the windows to not let the plague in

because they didn't understand that these were germs that they were actually containing and making them more likely to spread by closing the windows. They should have opened the windows, not closed them. And so when we don't have the information, when we don't know what the right thing is, we're likely to do the wrong thing. And unfortunately, when it comes to our emotions, we're getting a little bit better, but very, very slowly. We still don't know the right things to do. We still don't know what we should do versus what we shouldn't. And that's knowledge we should really get out there because we know much, much more now about the right and the wrong

and how to handle things and how to administer emotional first aid. We just don't have a great way of disseminating it. It's not in popular culture yet, and it really needs to be. Well, as you said in the beginning, you know, we don't hesitate to treat physical injuries, but emotional injuries we kind of ignore and kind of think they'll go away on

their own, when clearly that's not always the case. Guy Winch has been my guest. The name of his book is Emotional First Aid, and you will find a link to that book in the show notes for this episode. Do you love Disney? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown.

I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. There is nothing we don't cover. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney-themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed, but you definitely need in your life.

So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events.

Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our listener poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Are you the trustworthy type? Do people generally trust you? It's important because, well, so much of our personal and professional success is based on trust, our ability to trust others and their ability to trust us. So how do you use trust? How does the whole trust thing work? David Horshager is a consultant and speaker who has spent a lot of time looking at the subject of trust. His book is called The Trust Edge.

Welcome, David. And so let's define our terms here. What is trust? How do you define the term? I define trust as a confident belief in. So if I confidently believe in you, if I confidently believe in Mike, time goes down, costs go down, skepticism goes down, all these positives happen. When I can confidently believe in you and I can confidently believe that when you say that, you mean it, I can confidently

believe in that product, I can confidently believe in that person, I can confidently believe in that process, everything changes. So whether you're a mom at home running your family or you're running a huge Fortune 100 company, when trust goes up, output, morale, retention, productivity, innovation, loyalty all go up. Cost, problems, skepticism, attrition, time, and stress all go down. So when trust goes up in a relationship just with your spouse, all those things happen. Costs actually go down. Time, stress goes down. So when trust goes up in a relationship just with your spouse, all those things happen. You know, costs actually go down, time, stress goes down. When, you know, when it happens at a big company or a non-profit or a friendship, same thing. So the idea then is to get people to trust you. Right. And by being most trustworthy, of course, the most deceptive person is the one

that builds faux trust, you know, that in fact acts trustworthy when he or she is not. So in overtime, that's always found out. Okay. So how do you build trust? How do you convey trust? And how do you get trust? And are some people just, you know, some people are just more trustworthy than others? Well, some just more trustworthy than others? Well, some are more trustworthy than others. You know, that gets to one of the pillars, the commitment pillar. Look, we have a real problem in America, you know, with commitment. Look, 90% last research I heard is 90% of the people that make a commitment to themselves on New Year's Day called the New Year's Resolution, don't keep it for three weeks. What does that mean? That means people lose trust in themselves. You heard the idea, love your neighbor as yourself. It means

if you don't love yourself, you have a hard time loving others. And that's the same with trust. You don't trust yourself at all. You have a hard time trusting others. And people don't trust themselves because they make and don't keep commitments. So it starts there. You know, you have a real problem if you don't make so many commitments, only make ones you'll absolutely keep. Don't tell your kids you'll be there if you won't be there. Absolutely. Of course, then we can talk also from there about rebuilding trust because we've all made a mistake and we've all had to rebuild trust. But really, the only way to rebuild trust, in fact, is not, you know, apologizing. The way to rebuild trust, yes, it might start with a sincere apology, but it's making and keeping

commitments. That's the only way to really rebuild it. So don't promise what you're not going to do. Absolutely. Don't flake out. Let me, first of all, when you think about the cost of trust, just think about this for a moment. Many people think it's just kind of a soft idea. If you think that, think about Tiger Woods. One breach of trust or 27 breaches of trust, and he lost millions in weeks, hundreds of millions by now. Your credit score with a lender, if you own your own home, is really a trust score. The more you're trusted by the lender, the less you pay, even in terms of a friend or your son or daughter or your spouse,

the worry and the stress that happens when you don't have trust. So my big focus is on becoming trustworthy. But how do you build it? I mean, it's very fascinating. Some of this, you might say, well, I've heard that. Of course, that makes sense of these eight pillars. But some of it was a little surprising. And one of the surprising pieces was how important it was to have all eight pillars. So the clarity pillar, for instance, people trust the clear and they mistrust or distrust the ambiguous. The compassion pillar, it speaks to the idea that we trust those that put faith in others and faith in those that care beyond themselves. The Character Pillar, you know, I might trust you, Mike, because of your high character, but I might not trust you to give me a root canal. So you've got to have competency

at that. So there's the Competency Pillar. There's the Commitment Pillar. There's the Connection Pillar, this idea that we trust those that are willing to collaborate and connect. There's the competency pillar. There's the commitment pillar. There's the connection pillar, this idea that we trust those that are willing to collaborate and connect. There's the contribution pillar, which speaks to the idea that at the end of the day, I'm a contributor. I need someone who gives me results. Might have a lot of compassion, might have a lot of character, but if she does not give me the results I asked for or expected, I won't trust her. On the other hand, some salespeople I know, they give a lot of results, but they don't have compassion or character. And over time, I will not trust them either.

So you need all eight. The final pillar then is consistency. And that's the king of the pillars. We trust those that are consistent. They're the same every time. Someone who has a brilliant idea, that's fun. But we don't trust them until they're consistent. And by the way, we can trust for good or bad.

You're late all the time. I'll trust you to be late. You know, I trust you at what you do repeatedly when I'm in the room and out of the room, whatever you're consistent at. I really, I trust. So the idea is to be, be clear, be compassionate, high character, competent, committed, be a connector, you know, able to connect and collaborate with others and be a contributor and finally be consistent. Those are the things that you'll be trusted at. be a connector, you know, able to connect and collaborate with others and be a contributor and finally be consistent. Those are the things that you'll be trusted at. Is trust a two-way street? Am I more likely to trust you if I feel like you trust me? There is an interesting paradox. You give and get, it's kind of peeling back the onion,

but the key, I think a lot of people want to jump to how much that person has earned or lost trust, and they've got to start with themselves. You've got to start. I've got to start by being trustworthy. And we have such a difficult time in America looking at ourselves. Whether it's elections or people we work with, we are such an increasingly critical culture of everybody else, and we have grace often with ourselves. And so there is a two-way street that we learn to trust, and they give trust managers that extend trust.

We tend to step up toward. Now, some people don't, but generally, when we find a manager who extends more trust, people step up to it. Kids often that we extend the right kind of trust with discernment, they tend to step up and be better kids. So yes, there's certainly an interplay there with how much you extend trust, and then you get get more trust and you extend more trust to each other. And it certainly happens. It is like that. But I would start, you know, by thinking not just how much I can trust that person or not, but how much am I being trusted? When I am the most trusted, consistent, high character and all those things, then I tend to, you know, have more trust extended to me and it goes deeper and lasts longer.

So, David, when it comes to trust, I mean, does one indiscretion ruin everything? You could be, you know, trustworthy 9,999 times, but one time you overslept. It's an interesting, that's a very interesting notion. You know, trust is like a forest. If you think of the sequoias out in California, scientists say they took 2,200 years to grow, and a touch of carelessness by a camper with a match can burn the whole thing down in a fraction of the time it took to build. In one way, that's similar to trust, in that it takes a long time to grow, to earn, and yet a touch of carelessness and you can lose the whole thing. That is true basically with a character breach. So you think of a Tiger Woods,

someone with their spouse, a character breach of trust. It is hard to regain. It can happen. You have to make and keep commitments. I think that overslept one time in 999, you'll be given the benefit of the doubt because you've been so consistent. So the point is, be consistent. Yes, if you make a mistake like we all do, it'll be overlooked. If it's a character breach, people find out that breach, and that's very, very difficult to overcome and forgive. Why do you think, and maybe my premise is wrong, but I think that most people understand what a commitment is, that if they say they're going to do something, they should do it, and yet the world is full of flaky people who say, you know, yes, I'll be there when they're not, or I'll be on time

when they're late, and, you know, what's going on there? I mean, do you think it's just a character flaw that they just don't, I mean, what is that? Well, you know, I'll tell you what. Some people don't, they just don't think about their commitment. There's people, they just say they'll do things to get their way. I have the last guy that sold me a car, said he would be at, we had a very big, a fabulous book opening. Oh yeah, I'll be at this. Never said a word about it and didn't come. He said he would be there. And I thought he would be there, but he never even, you know,

never said a word. We had three Olympians there and all these Hall of Famers and World Series Champions. It was an amazing event. But I just thought about that effort. I thought, you know, he said the right things to get the car sold. And not that that was what sold it, but it was interesting. He made this commitment. And I remember it because it was just a couple of days before and they didn't show up and didn't say a word about it. It's so common for people to do it to themselves first, make a New Year's resolution without counting the costs. And then in two or three weeks, they just give themselves grace. There's this reason or there's that reason. But they don't think about it much on themselves.

And then they don't trust others as much. It's an interesting question, though, because many, many, many people are making commitments, I think, without counting the cost, without thinking about really, am I going to really stick with this or I'm just going to say it? It's so easy to say, but to really do, you might get attention. You might think that would help. There's another, you know, this other philosophy that's a little bit sickening in kind of psychology and motivational speaking that is, if you speak it, you are it. You know, this whole, there is some power in intent and there is power in words, but to say, you know, the way people sometimes even teach to set goals, I am a millionaire, I am a millionaire, I am a millionaire, when you're not a millionaire. And I don't think that that's the right that could happen. And they'll make intentions.

They'll have a slight intention that they'll be at this event or a slight possibility that they'll do this thing, but they don't stick with their commitment to do it because they have not counted the cost of what that really means to fulfill it. They just say things like that all the time. And I think one thing leads to the other, and it's a slippery slope, and people start to have the habit of saying lots of things and making very low commitments. Look at our politicians. I mean, look at a lot of different people that we have low, low trust in, and it comes back to people say things they don't really maybe even intend fully, at least they haven't

counted the cost of fully completing that action. And that car salesman doesn't care, except the next time you go buy a car, guess who you're not buying a car from? I'm not going to him. In fact, there's several things. So that's just one of three things that he did. And I thought, you know what, he lost sales. And the thing with me is I talk to 10,000 people,

tens of thousands sometimes a month in my speaking, and these are the examples I use. And he's going to be an example of low trust for several reasons, actually. But the problem is where I see trust, like the Caribou Coffee companies of the world and certain companies, then I talk about it. Where I see low trust over time, and I give grace to, but where I see low trust over time, I talk about that. And they have no idea how many tens of thousands of people I might, you know, they might be affecting when they treat me so terribly, but that's the way it goes.

So lastly, overall, where do you start when you know nothing? Are people generally trustworthy, do you think, or do you start with being untrusting until someone proves themselves otherwise? Well, I like to start with trusting someone until they prove you otherwise, but you have to, as I say in the chapter on how much should you trust someone, you have to do even that with discernment. So I like to extend more trust, obviously, where risk is lower. When I'm dealing with health care situations or compliance issues, we have to be a little slower and watch how much that person can

be trusted because we're dealing with possibly countless lives. On the other hand, many people are so worried about the impact of something so they don't trust someone, don't see the best in people, and they don't extend trust when in fact the cost, if that person wasn't trusted, wouldn't be so big as they think it would be. And more importantly than even that whole question, I think, but I want people and organizations and brands and families to think of how can I be most trusted because when I'm most trusted, in spite of what everybody else is, that car salesman or that politician or that family or that friend,

when I am most trusted, I'm most successful in every way, even all the ways of being successful outside of money. I am the most influential, have the greatest impact, and generally have the greatest income in my sector when I am most trusted, when I have what we call the trust edge. So that's where I really want to get people to focus on personally being most trusted. And I think I can trust that. I've been speaking with David Horshager. He is a consultant and speaker, and the name of his book is The Trust Edge.

Men are notorious for making some pretty big fashion mistakes, which women are quick to often point out. And whether it's because men don't know any better or they don't care, here are, according to Esquire magazine, some fashion mistakes that men commonly make and really need to stop making. First, believing tight clothes suck everything in. As a matter of fact, they don't. Wearing pleather instead of leather. Pleather is that cheap substitute for leather that is most commonly made from polyurethane. And unless you're allergic to leather for some reason, or you're a vegan, you really should not be wearing pleather. Plus pleather is flammable. Wearing black shirts. Black cotton mixed shirts, as a rule, should not be worn primarily because they discolor incredibly quickly around the collar and the cuffs. Wearing skinny ties. The reign of the tiny tie ended a few years back. Wearing

clothes designed for a sport when you're not actually doing that sport. So track suits, tight lycra t-shirts, soccer shirts are not everyday wear. Wearing anything shiny other than your shoes or a belt. Shiny fabrics are a big mistake, according to Esquire magazine. And that is something you should know. That's the podcast today. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church

for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot,

and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Rob Benedict. And I am Richard Spate. We were both on a little show you might know called Supernatural. It had a pretty good run. 15 seasons, 327 episodes. And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped,

let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll, of course, have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible.

The note from Kripke was, he's great, we love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent Duchovny type. With 15 seasons to explore, it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes, so please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now.