Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: Optimize Your Memory & How to Get the Love You Want
Episode Date: June 5, 2021Have you heard the advice that couples should have a date night. That’s common advice to help keep the romance alive in long term relationships. But interestingly, “couple time” is not the highe...st quality time couples can have. In fact it doesn’t even come in second. Listen as I explain another way couples can spend their time that is much more beneficial and rewarding. https://www.businessinsider.com/double-dates-improve-relationship-2018-2 Do you know how to make your memory work to your advantage? If you have ever had your memory fail at exactly the wrong time, listen to my guest Michael Tipper, author of the book Instant Recall (https://amzn.to/2X00YPv). Michael won the silver medal in the World Memory Championship by remembering 9 decks of playing cards in order! He joins me to offer some excellent techniques to help you understand and use your memory to your best advantage. You know that little front pocket that sits inside the big front pocket on blue jeans? Do you know why it is there and what it is for? The idea for that pocket came from Levi Strauss and when you listen you will hear what the original intended use was – which by the way is pretty much obsolete today. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/what-that-little-pocket-in-your-jeansis-really-for-a6828141.html There are a lot of people in relationships who are not getting what they want from their partner. Why is that? What happens in relationships that results in that seemingly inevitable path of negativity, criticism and conflict – and how do you fix it? Harville Hendrix has been working with couples for a long time to help them break free from the negativity that so often takes over in long term relationships. Harville is a practicing therapist and author of several books including the newly revised version of Getting the Love You Want (https://amzn.to/2IbSbXq) which was a huge bestseller when it first came out several years ago. He joins me to reveal what causes relationships to go off-track and how to instantly change how couples interact so the negativity stops. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! We really enjoy The Jordan Harbinger Show and we think you will as well! There’s just SO much here. Check out https://jordanharbinger.com/start for some episode recommendations, OR search for The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts. Save time, money, and stress with Firstleaf – the wine club designed with you in mind! Join today and you’ll get 6 bottles of wine for $29.95 and free shipping! Just go to https://tryfirstleaf.com/SOMETHING https://nuts.com is the simple and convenient way to have nutritious, delicious, healthy nuts, dried fruit, flours, grains and so many other high-quality foods delivered straight to your door! New Nuts.com customers get free shipping on your first order when you text SYSK to 64-000. So text SYSK to 64-000 to get free shipping on your first order from Nuts.com With Grove, making the switch to natural products has never been easier! Go to https://grove.co/SOMETHING and choose a free gift with your 1st order of $30 or more! Go Daddy lets you create your website or store for FREE right now at https://godaddy.com Go to https://RockAuto.com right now and see all the parts available for your car or truck. Write SOMETHING in their “How did you hear about us?” box so they know we sent you! Discover matches all the cash back you earn on your credit card at the end of your first year automatically and is accepted at 99% of places in the U.S. that take credit cards! Learn more at https://discover.com/yes https://www.geico.com Bundle your policies and save! It's Geico easy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Today on Something You Should Know,
couples are often told to have a date night to keep the romance alive.
But there's something even better.
Then, the power of your memory.
It starts with understanding how it works.
To give you an example of that, people will say to me, well, I've read this page in a book or in
a magazine and I can't remember anything. Well, that's only because you've just done enough to
read and understand it. You haven't actually done enough to remember it because there are a few more
stages you've got to do in order to put it into your memory. Plus, what's that little pocket
inside the big pocket on blue jeans?
And so much of the trouble in relationships
is we don't know how to listen.
Consensus right now on accuracy of listening
is that most people in a condition of relaxation
have an about 18 to 20% accuracy rate
in receiving what somebody else said.
If they're upset, they have zero.
All this today on Something You Should Know.
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Something you should know.
Fascinating intel. The world's top experts.
And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.
Hi, welcome to Something You Should Know. An interesting and fun episode for you today,
so you've picked a good one to spend some time with. I don't know if you've noticed, but we have some really great, different, and wonderful sponsors on Something You Should
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We begin today by talking about romance.
Every couple, every married couple, has been told that it's important to have a weekly date night.
While it's hard to find fault with the idea,
some interesting data shows that the time couples spend alone together is not their highest quality time.
In fact, couples in the Sloan Center's 500 Family Study rated the quality of the time they spent together as a family higher than the time they spent together alone.
But even that was not the highest quality time. The highest quality time was the kid-free
time couples spent together with friends. Why? Well, much of the time that married couples with
children spend alone together is time spent talking about the family, who will pick up the
kids after school on Tuesday, and all of that. It's all very predictable. However,
spending time as a couple with friends allows for new and interesting conversation and experiences,
and novelty is associated with more intense and positive emotions between partners.
And that is something you should know.
Chances are, at some point recently, you have forgotten something that you really,
really wanted to remember. You intended to remember it. You thought you would remember it,
but you didn't. While we like to think that memory works kind of like a filing cabinet,
it actually doesn't work that way. However, some people have great memories.
And they have great memories because they work at it.
My guest is one of them.
Michael Tipper won second place in the World Memory Championship by memorizing the order of nine decks of cards.
Nine decks of cards.
He's the author of a book called Instant Recall,
and he is here to help you make your
memory work better. Hi, Michael. Welcome. Hey, thank you, Mike, for inviting me. Really
looking forward to having a conversation with you. So start by explaining why you decided
to dive so deep into this and make your memory so good that you can pretty much remember
anything. It goes back a few years now. I was an average student at school,
but then I joined the armed forces,
I joined the Royal Navy,
and found myself struggling with a different form of learning
that I was used to than when I was at school.
And because it was a different form of learning,
and I struggled with it,
I thought I naturally had a bad memory.
And so I did, I was 16 years old at the time, and I invested with it I thought I naturally had a bad memory and so I did I was 16 years old at
the time and I invested in a memory course basically discovered that it wasn't that I had
a bad memory it was just I didn't know how to learn properly and when I suddenly expanded my
skill set with some fairly simple techniques that had been around quite a long time all of a sudden
I discovered that there were ways I could learn things very quickly and put them into my long-term memory at will.
And it was a revelation for me that got me quite excited about developing memory.
Well, one of the things I've always wondered is, does everyone have the same potential
for memory?
Or do some people just have better memories than other people, just like some people are
better at sports than other people, just like some people are better at sports than other people.
I think there are people who naturally find that their mental makeup has greater clarity,
greater specificity, greater ability to recall. I've worked with people who can remember,
for example, the weather every day of their life. I've met people who can read a book once,
remember everything. But I think those are rare. So there are people who can read a book once, remember everything, but I think those are rare.
So there are people who can do that. But what I do know based on my own experience is that everyone
has the capacity to be able to learn far more than they believe they currently can do at the moment.
So I took the techniques to an extent where I came second, I won the silver medal in the world memory championships. I've memorized, um, nine decks of playing cards, which sounds an amazing feat. I
suppose it is, but everyone has the ability to be able to do that. Um, it's if you can imagine
something. So if you can imagine, uh, an image in your mind, then already you have the ability to
be able to do that. It's whether you have the discipline and determination and inclination to put yourself through the necessary training to
get to the point where you can remember a lot of stuff. You know, I remember hearing somebody
talking on this subject once who said, you know, one of the reasons we don't remember where, like,
where we put our keys or where we, our keys is that we're not paying attention,
that our mind is somewhere else and that a lot of memory is just focusing on what you
want to remember.
Absolutely.
I would wholeheartedly agree with that.
That's one of, I believe, three reasons.
And concentration is probably the main reason.
So when you drive a car, for for example when you first start driving you
have to really think about it but then what happens there comes a point where you can do it
almost subconsciously without actually thinking about it and often what happens when we are when
we come home we put our keys down it's something we probably do every single day and i've probably
done hundreds if not thousands of times and because it's automatic we are not in a conscious
state of mind when we put them down and so later on when we come to think well where are my keys
we were never actually present when we put them down in our conscious mind and that's what tends
to happen is that we tend to be thinking of something else the classic case is when you are
introduced to someone for the first time and you are so busy shaking someone's
hand and saying your own name that you never really listen or hear the other person's name
so it's like in one ear at the other and you and you think you've forgotten the name when actually
all it is is concentration so yes absolutely concentration is a key factor in why people
often think they've forgotten something.
When people do forget, in other words, it's not a case that they weren't paying attention,
but they have it in their mind, something that they know, but it somehow disappears.
Where does it go? And why is it not more like a filing cabinet where once it's in there,
it's in there?
The first thing is that we have a short term, we have a working memory, we have a short term memory, and then we have a medium to long term memory. And things need to happen for information to pass from one through to the other. So I can
give you a number now. So if I say 47326, that number is in your working memory. And you're
probably able to recall that if you were
listening to it so i said four seven three two six so i've just repeated it because it was in
my working memory um now if i repeat that a few times that then transfers to my short-term memory
but then what's likely to happen is that unless i do something to transfer it to my long-term memory
i'm likely to forget that number. So it's the same with other
information that we learn. And what tends to happen is we encounter a lot of stuff during the day,
a lot of information, even when we're in a learning environment. And what the brain does,
the brain has this thing called synaptic pruning. And what it does, it audits all the connections
in the brain. And those that are old and haven't really been used very much it tends to sort of
snip away and allow them to be used for other things so a number of reasons why we forget
things one it hasn't transferred from working to short term to long term other times it's a
synaptic breathing other times sometimes things are just harder to recall i mean you've probably
had situations where you may have seen someone who you know you know but you just can't recall
their name straight away i hate that yeah i know and often there are a number of reasons why that happens and i wish i knew the answer to it all to
be able to say this is the definitive answer but it does happen sometimes and sometimes there are
confusion uh with other things um and i've read a statistic recently often something like 80 to
90 percent of what we think or remember is actually wrong because we tend to
put different slants on it and different perspectives on it. Really? Well, yeah, I remember
talking to someone who said that when you recall something, an event, you're not really recalling
the event. You're recalling the last time you recalled the event. And the more you recall it,
the more distorted it gets because you're not really remembering the actual event.
You're remembering what you remembered the last time you remembered it.
Pretty much so, yeah.
That's a really good description of what actually goes on.
And so we think we can remember things one way,
but actually those slight distortions over a period of time
can probably change the memory quite significantly.
Yeah, and that sensation that people have, and I had it just the other day when I was talking to
my son, that it's right on the tip of my tongue. I know, I know it. It's almost there and I can't,
I can't pull it out.
Yeah, that's an interesting one because what you want to do, that frustration that drives you to want to pull it out actually is going to drive it deeper into your memory.
So it's harder to recall.
And what I found the best thing that works for me is acknowledging that, OK, it's a little bit hard to access now.
When you're ready, bring it bring it to my mind.
And I just let it go. And often it comes back relatively quickly but the
harder you sort of try and dig deeper to pull it out it seems the more elusive that becomes yeah
it's a very frustrating experience well probably that the thing that people have the most trouble
with or say they have the most trouble with is remembering names so so what's a way to do that
well i think if we come back to what we talked about earlier, the main reason that people forget the name is they never have it in the first place.
And so a very, very simple technique is when you're introduced to someone for the first time, you set the intent that you're going to get their name.
Don't worry about saying your name, get your handshake right.
That will come.
But just get the intent of asking the name.
So you ask them their name. They might well my name is james and so you'd say okay um you'd repeat oh
james nice to meet you so straight away by using it you've put it into your slightly more deeper
into your working memory and then having said james um you might ask that their second name
and they'll tell you let's say it
was payton um okay james payton nice to meet you how do you spell that by uh how do you spell that
so you might ask them a question about the name so what you're doing there is you're taking a
genuine interest in the name um or you might say oh i knew someone called payton um they spelled
it with an e do you spell it with an e uh and so you had this little conversation so all of a sudden
now the information has become that much more richer in your mind so there are
more hooks you've said it a couple of times you've explored the spelling of it you might have checked
your pronunciation is correct so when in this multicultural society we live in you meet people
from different cultures and so often the names might sound alien to you because they're from a
different culture so one of the things i i try and do is i'll ask people how do you say that have i said that right so i'll make
sure the pronunciation is and because i'm quite a visual person i might ask them how they spell it
so i can get it clearer then i'll use it a couple of times and then if you've made four or five
people you can do that and some people might say well that takes a long time but if you think about
it an introduction between five people usually is a quick shake of hands.
James, David, Janet, John, very, very quickly.
But actually, if you take the time to shake their hand, ask them their name, tell them their name, have that little conversation, you've actually built up a stronger degree of rapport because you've taken a little bit more interest in them.
And you start to build that relationship. They do do with the next person and then the next person and then you might even say well
let me just check i've got these names right and you're genuinely showing an interest in their
names and it's amazing how people feel so much more valued that way and then once you're with
these people you might then review their name in your mind use it a couple of times and then
you've got their name so that's what you do in the short term but in the long term as you were saying earlier if you don't see that person for a month your
brain does that pruning thing you were talking about and now you've forgotten again it can do
so one of the things that you can do to remember them long term so for example one of the things
that i do is i do a lot of training courses i'll go into companies
i'll work with with companies and i'll then i'll go back and work with the same people sometimes
three to four months later so what i do is i will make sure i learn their names when i first meet
them and i might be with them for three or four days and i learn their names then what i do i take
a a photograph of the group and then i'll put that into uh i put that into evernote and i'll make a
few notes on their on on them as people and their names so i've got a record of it and then later
on when i come back i should go back and review that to make sure i've got their names sometimes
i remember them sometimes i don't so um there are ways that are used that are practical using
techniques like that allow me to recall those names and ultimately when you've got things like
facebook and linkedin connections often you'll connect with people through these methods
you can just go and have a quick look online pull their name out and see remind yourself what they
look like there's all sorts of ways you can do to refresh your mind and strengthen that mental image
it seems like i shouldn't have to say this because everyone
who's listening now is already got a better memory, but I'll say it anyway, that my guest
is Michael Tipper. He is a world memory champion and he's author of the book Instant Recall.
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of red off punt wine wherever podcasts are available. and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet.
Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more.
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Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. So Michael, you said that when you
meet someone, you put their name in your computer, you make some notes, you do a lot of work. And it
seems like, I think most of us like to believe or would hope that our memory works better than that, that it doesn't require that much deliberate effort to remember someone.
We should just remember.
Well, that's an interesting point.
And I think that often people's expectations of what their memory should do far exceed what they've actually done.
And to give you an example of that one of the things related to
common problems is people will say to me well i've read this page in a book or in a magazine
and i get to the bottom i can't remember anything um and i say to people well that's only because
you've just done enough to read and understand it you haven't actually done enough to remember it
because there are a few more stages you've got to do in order to put it into your memory so i would agree with you that there are things that it would be nice to be able to to meet
someone uh for the for the first time and go through a process of uh remembering the name
forever and there are some people who can actually do that having met them once but what i found
certainly my own experience and a lot of the people I've taught over the years, is that if you want to do that regularly, it becomes a habit.
It needs to become a habit.
It can become a skill that you can develop.
And there are certain, if you like, safety net mechanisms you can put in place so that you're able to recall that information at a future date.
So you do have to do a little bit more than just meet them for the first time and that's it.
There's more you've got to do.
So let's test your memory.
You threw out a number about 10 minutes ago.
Do you remember what it was?
There was a four in it and I think it ended in a six and I think there's a three and a seven.
So the answer is no.
So what you've got there is a perfect example of me using it into my working memory. I put it in my short-term memory then, but it's drifted to the point where, what was it now? I'm asking myself, I don't know. Well, and see, here's
what's interesting is that I, and I didn't write it down, but I was going to ask you later. So I
did a little more work on that as you were talking. I was going to, I said to myself,
okay, you need to remember this so you can ask him later. And so I did exactly what you were talking about,
and I remembered it, 4, 7, 3, 2, 6,
and you didn't because you didn't do that extra work.
Exactly.
So that means that I could win the gold medal
at the next memory championship.
Mike, I think I've just met my match.
So I like how you explained it because you can kind of visualize the process of information moving from your working memory
to your short-term memory to your long-term memory. And it's a process of getting it there
as opposed to just will I or won't I remember this? Well well here's an analogy that i love using that sort of explains
quite neatly how the brain actually works because when you learn something when you've got a fact in
your mind that you can recall it is a physical connection between two or more brain cells it is
a physical connection so when i tell you a single fact so like that number earlier on um if you can
imagine walking through a cornfield
you walk through it for the first time and when you get to the other side and look back you probably
can't really see where you've been because the you might see a little bit where you've been and
if you just left that cornfield never went back again where you had been would grow over quite
quickly but if before it started to grow over you went back again
and made the path slightly wider you'd now have more evidence of you being through that cornfield
again if you never went back there again that cornfield would grow over but it would take
slightly longer because your path is now wider however if before it starts to grow over you went
back again and made a slightly wider track now you could see more of
where you've been and that's what it's like in the brain okay but you using that analogy then
what are you doing every time you go up and down the cornfield there what are you doing are you
reading something again are you how is it that you're revisiting that material in your brain
so this is this is really important
one of the probably one of the biggest things i learned about memory beyond all the fancy
techniques of memorizing cards and numbers but there's this factor most people when they're
learning stuff they will read it okay and then i'll put to one side and when they're then when
they're going to revise again they'll read it again and what happens is they become
familiar with the content because they keep looking at it and they confuse that familiarity
with knowing oh i recognize this therefore i must know it but actually if they try and recall it
they struggle to do that so the secret when you're learning stuff is learn it once put it to one side then try and recall from memory
and do it without looking at it and you'll you'll initially you might think i can do some of it and
there's a bit i but i can't remember oh what is it what's that bit what and you hold off looking at
it you put that you create this tension in your mind where you say oh what is it what is it oh
was it this was it that oh what is it and then it comes to a point where you can stand it no longer. Then you look, you go,
oh, that's what it was. And there's something about that breaking that tension that puts it
into your long-term memory. And that's one of the biggest things I've discovered about
how to develop your ability to recall the stuff that you learn.
Well, that sort of explains, I think, if I heard you correctly,
you know how when you're in the car and you hear a song on the radio, you can sing along with the
song and you know the lyrics as long as you're singing along with the song that's on the radio.
But try to remember the lyrics when you get home and the music's off. It's a lot harder. It's a
lot harder to pull it out of memory
as opposed to having the context of the song playing.
Absolutely. There's also a very interesting variation on that theme. So there are probably
a lot of songs that you can remember from your teenage years that you probably are able to sing
all the way through. Would that be true?
Yeah, I'm sure of course yeah okay so and the
reason for that is because at that time in our life music probably meant much more to us because
it was part of our identity um in our youth and all the emotions that we were going through so
our first loves and all those things that were coursing through our veins when we're teenage
teenage years so you've got the music which was part of our identity you've also got words and
rhythm coming together and the rhythm is quite important and that laced with the emotion allows
us to remember that information much more so i hear songs from my youth and i can sing along to
them i can probably sing them off the top of my head for some of them but then there's music that
i've become more interested in as i've got older um i do as you say. I need to listen to it and sing along with it. I couldn't recreate it with a guitar on my own. So that's what's happening there.
Are there any ways to jog your memory as people say, you know, oh, I just it's there. I know it's in there. I just need to get it out. If you put too much pressure on, then that's going to almost embed it further into your mind so you can't get it.
So thinking, relaxing, saying, right, I know I know it.
I trust it's going to come when I need it.
But let me think about other things that might trigger that.
And then all of a sudden, about two or three minutes later, it suddenly pops into your mind.
I've had that happen to me so many times.
But you have to trust that that mechanism works. You've talked about a lot of tactics and strategies to improve memory,
but is there kind of an overriding concern or suggestion that you have that would easily make
people's memories work better if they only knew? The one thing that I would suggest to people about
Just generally improving their mental abilities their their ability to remember and learn stuff is that?
Stress is probably the biggest barrier to effective cognitive functioning And so if all you did was learn how to handle stress, be able to do lots of good exercise, healthy diet,
hydrate well, maybe learn to meditate. Just that alone is going to give you the best foundation,
the best framework in which your mind can operate. And then once you've got that,
then you can start exploring some of the techniques that you'll find all over the place to be able to
do some of the more fancy stuff. So just sort out the brain health first. That's a huge starting point. That'll have
a big impact on your ability to learn and remember stuff. And then on top of that,
use some of the techniques that you can find out all over the place.
Well, as good as our memories work, I'm sure everyone has had the experience
on multiple occasions where your memory failed when you really
needed it to work. So it's good to know there are things you can do to really commit something to
memory when you have to. Michael Tipper has been my guest. He won second place in the World Memory
Championship by memorizing the order of nine decks of playing cards. His book is Instant Recall,
and you'll find a link to his book
at Amazon in the show notes.
Thank you, Michael.
Appreciate you coming on.
It's been a pleasure, Mike,
and thank you for a great conversation.
Hey, everyone.
Join me, Megan Rinks.
And me, Melissa Demonts
for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong?
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This episode of Something You Should Know is being published in June of 2021, springtime,
when thoughts turn to love and romance. So I thought it would be interesting to look at what it is that makes happy couples happy. And perhaps more importantly, what it is that couples can do to make their relationship better if it's not so happy.
So the person I've turned to is Dr. Harville Hendricks.
For several years now, he's been helping couples in therapy and also writing books and speaking about couples
and what it takes to have a successful relationship.
His latest book is called Getting the Love You Want.
It's actually the updated paperback version of a book he wrote a while ago
that became a bit of a classic and a huge bestseller after he appeared on Oprah.
Hi, Harville. Good to talk with you again.
So, in all your work with couples, what is it that you see as the biggest challenge couples have?
Well, the biggest problem that we see that is chronic is the difficulty one person has accepting the reality of another person as valid as their own. That is, there is seemingly in the human heart universally a
yearning that the person that you're with and you have the same worldview, that you live in the same
world, that you are in many ways the same. I think the marketing word right now for a dating site
is compatibility and degrees of compatibility. And what our experience is,
is that we have never seen a compatible couple if they fell in love. If you sort of decided you
were going to start up a partnership, a relationship, but didn't feel the attraction
that we assigned to the experience of romantic love, then you might build a relationship
rationally, logically, based on compatibility. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. You're
saying that if you are in a relationship where you initially fell in love, kind of head over heels,
like in the movies, kind of fell in love, that puts you at a disadvantage compared to somebody who maybe approached the relationship much more logically and deliberately,
which on Valentine's Day is not what I think I want to hear.
But OK, so I buy that because it makes sense.
If you do something a little more deliberately and a little more rationally, the outcome may likely be better. But so what does
all this mean? So what is the big problem that couples have then? What is the, regardless of
how we got to be a couple, what is the big problem? The problem often in relationships is
that you are different from the person I thought I married.
So that's the classic power struggle.
So that I want you to be like I need you to be
in order for me to be assured
that I'm going to get what I need from you.
That causes problems that show up how?
Almost in every transaction.
You know, you didn't show up last night for dinner.
You were late.
It shows up in all of the forms of criticism that one partner has of the other.
That is, the partner, each partner has in their mind a what we'd call an ideal image
of the type of person that they are projecting onto their partner.
And when their partner doesn't behave according to that image, then I have to object to that. And I'll do it with a criticism like,
you don't do that. You always do that. You never stop doing that. When are you going to stop doing
that? In other words, don't be the person that you are. Be the person I need you to be. So any
criticism is an attempt to regulate the partner and get them to become the person that fits the image in your mind.
Isn't that interesting?
Don't be the person you are.
Be the person I need you to be.
That right there, that's huge.
And then what is even more interesting is that we believe, people believe, couples believe that if I criticize you enough and tell
you enough about how you are not the person I need you to be, then you will become that person.
So the more I criticize you, and it's interesting, I've asked partners this over and over again in
the last 40 years that I've been doing couples therapy. So if you keep on saying to George that
he's always late and that he never speaks up and initiates a conversation, what is your fantasy about what he will do?
And she said, oh, he'll show up on time and he'll initiate conversations and he'll express emotions.
So you you think that if you hurt him enough, he will love you the way you want to be loved.
Am I getting that? And then they say, oh, I didn't realize I was hurting him.
I thought I was, you know, blah, blah, blah.
So that's the that's the what we call the power struggle impasse is you want to be yourself.
But if you are yourself, I don't get my needs met.
So you can't be yourself.
You have to be the person I need.
And therefore, you have to be annihilated so I can have my ideal person.
So if you're not the person I need, who were you before that attracted me to you in the first place?
There are three stages in all relationships.
And one is it starts out great, and that's called romance.
The second one is that then it goes bad.
And the third stage is you try to create a conscious partnership.
In other words, resolve all these issues.
But this drama in the power struggle that I've been referring to was preceded by stage number one, which is romantic love, in which each person unconsciously presented themselves to the other person as the right person.
Somehow we kind of know that your
partner needs X, Y, and Z, but you know also that that's not you to be that way. So what happens
after a few, sometimes it's days, weeks, months, and I've found, also found that the average sort
of coming out party of, I am going to be me in this relationship happens at about
the third or fourth year and produces a divorce around the fifth and seventh year.
So if you're in a relationship with someone and you want them to be someone they're not,
well, that seems like a car crash waiting to happen. How do you fix that as opposed to saying, well, then see you
later? Well, and 50% for ever since 1972, that number of people do say goodbye. Um, you know,
I can't get what I need from you. You won't be the person I need. You're not the person I need
made a mistake. Uh, so I'm going to go on. What they don't know is that they will cross the street or go to the other side, meet somebody else, and repeat the same drama.
So how do you fix this?
How do you make this happen?
What you have to do is become aware that you're actually married to another person.
And we call that differentiation. You have to get it that the person that you're married to is not you,
nor are they identical with the fiction you have of the person that you need.
So how will you discover that? So what we have done, and it works practically every time,
is have people learn a new way to talk. So you're in the home and a conflict happens and there's a rupture.
One person will need to learn to stop and say, could we redo that?
We call it a redo.
Could you say that to me in a different way so that I don't feel put down?
The other thing you do if you don't have any instructions, you've not read a book, you
don't have any knowledge, but you need to do one thing is if somebody says something to you, mirror them back before you respond, because most of the time you are about
80 to 90% wrong about what you heard. So you'll respond to your, to your own distortion. So you
can say that. And so if you, we've said to many people who said, well, what if my partner won't
go to therapy? What if he won't engage in anything? Usually't go to therapy what if he won't engage in anything
usually so what if he won't um what what do i do and so this is what we say to them is sort of like
gandhi said be the change you want to see so become curious about him um you might but not
interrogate so what's going on for you um blahah, blah, blah. And then learn to say something back like, OK, that that makes sense or I can see that or I get it that you're feeling that way.
So one of the principles that we say to couples that you have to do in your relationship is you simply have to end negativity.
That negativity will always produce anxiety. Anxiety will produce a defense. A defense will produce polarization, and that's not what you want.
So if you, whenever you have a need that is not being met, learn to ask for what you want
in any transaction rather than comment on what you're not getting. Because if you do the second
one, that person's going to go defensive. If you say, what I would like is that when we have an
appointment to be at dinner at seven o'clock and you find yourself not able to, real things that you really appreciate
and say on a regular basis, spontaneously, you know, I appreciate you're bringing me a cup of
coffee this morning. I appreciate that you told me about what was going on. Whatever shows up that
you appreciate your partner did for you that day. Helen and I have a ritual of every night before we go to sleep, a ritual is
three appreciations for something that you did today that I really appreciate. And so what's
the magic there? What is appreciation inserting into the relationship? Well, appreciations say
to the person, you're not an enemy. You're a friend. I see you as valuable. Bloodstream,
blood neurochemicals change to endorphins and you begin to feel connected. If you want to
ramp it up a little bit, give each other a one minute hug. A hug, a one minute activates
oxytocin. Oxytocin is a bonding bonding chemical so you actually feel closer when that chemical is
aroused when um when the cortisol is aroused because you glared at them you actually feel
ruptured so approach behaviors moving toward the partner with appreciation moving toward the
partner with curiosity dropping all negativity and going
to asking for what you want creates a safe space in the relationship.
You said something a few minutes ago that caught my attention, and I want to come back
and revisit that.
You said something like that when we hear what we hear is like really only 20 percent
accurate. we hear is like really only 20% accurate? The consensus right now on accuracy of listening
is that most people in a condition of relaxation, they're not aroused, not distracted, not scared,
not anxious. They're relaxed, feeling good, have an about 18 to 20% accuracy rate in receiving what somebody else said. If they're upset,
they have zero. They receive zero. Everything is distorted. This is why it's important to say,
let me see if I got that. So to learn that as a mechanism in everyday life with anybody,
your partner, with you, with a friend, just say, let me see, did I get this? You said you're going to go
to the bathroom and you'll be back in 10 minutes. Okay, got it. And so it reduces anxiety. The
distortion creates anxiety. What you want to do is create a safe environment. Any way you can do
that. And you cannot create one if you're negative, period. When you say get rid of
negativity, I'm thinking that, you know, in relationships, there's a lot of different
kinds of negativity. Some of it seems necessary. So maybe zero in a little more on what you mean
about this negativity that has to stop. What we mean specifically is the partner put down. You didn't do that. You didn't call me. You were late and you frowned at me or what? Whatever puts the partner down and says you did something wrong is the primary negation that has to go away and replaced with what you would like like when you come into the room i would really love a big hug instead of you
came into the room and you didn't even look at me so you ask for what you want the brain is designed
in such a way that it knows how to actualize things that are connecting and survival but when
you go negative it only knows how to defend itself so back away or do something whatever you have to
do to defend yourself but if you're if you're in a relationship with someone who is constantly late, how do you how do you never say anything?
How do you never say I'm really getting tired that you're always late
Well, when you say that they'll always be late and they'll also not like you more
So what you do is to say could could we talk about our schedule, our appointment times?
Would you be willing to have a conversation? And I'd like to tell you what I would like in
our relationship. And what I would like is that when we make an agreement about, you know, dinner
at seven, what I would like is for you to be there at seven. Oh, and if you can't, cause you know, sometimes you can't give me a call and tell me you're going to be there seven 30. Uh, then I know what to do with
my time with dinner or whatever. So instead of going into what I don't like, ask for what you
want and you can then talk about anything. As long as you don't make it your partner's problem,
you're having the problem
with his lateness. He's not having a problem with his lateness. So you want him to change so that
you won't be uncomfortable about his lateness. So ask for that in a kind and loving way. And more
than likely, he'll say, oh my God, I didn't realize I was blah, blah, blah. I'll do that. I'll call you
in the future. I'll do my best to be there on time.
Well, I know for a lot of couples, that would be a big shift in how they communicate with each
other. But as you say, the negativity and the criticism and the complaining can't be doing
much to help either. Harville Hendricks has been my guest. The book is Getting the Love You Want,
and you'll find a link to his book at Amazon in the show notes.
Thank you, Harville. Appreciate it. You're welcome. Thank you.
Blue jeans have been around for a long time, so you probably don't stop and think about them a
whole lot. But one question that does come up from time to time is about that little pocket,
that little pocket inside the big pocket.
Why is it there, and what was it designed to do?
Well, while it's often called a coin pocket,
holding coins was not the original intent.
The pocket was actually put there by Levi Strauss himself,
the man who invented blue jeans,
and he put it there to protect your pocket watch.
But since you likely don't carry a pocket watch, the pocket goes unused.
Over the years, it's been called many things.
Frontier pocket, match pocket, ticket pocket, to name a few.
But the real reason was the pocket watch.
And that is something you should know.
Please tell your friends about us. I'm sure they would enjoy listening to this podcast as much as you do, and it's a great way to support us and
help us grow the audience. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should
Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this
new thriller, religion and crime collide
when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community.
Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager,
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But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth.
Chinook, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan.
Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts.
Hi, this is Rob Benedict.
And I am Richard Spate.
We were both on a little show you might know
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It had a pretty good run.
15 seasons, 327 episodes.
And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, Supernatural. It had a pretty good run. 15 seasons, 327 episodes.
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So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now.