Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: Overcoming Shyness & How to Make 2021 Resolutions Stick

Episode Date: December 26, 2020

How can drinking hot cocoa from an orange mug taste different from drinking hot cocoa from a blue mug? I’ll explain some interesting research that shows how color affects our perception of taste - and the best mugs for different drinks. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2257063/Study-finds-hot-chocolate-tastes-better-orange-mugs.html It is amazing how many people consider themselves shy. In fact, almost all of us feel shy in certain situations. But why are some people more shy than others – are they born that way or is it something they learn? Most importantly, what can shy people do so that their shyness doesn’t interfere in their life or success? Bernardo Carducci, Director of The Shyness Research Institute, at Indiana University Southeast and author of The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk (http://amzn.to/2CCzcOw) offers some incredible insight into becoming what he calls a successful shy person. Also, how you sign your name reveals a lot about you. Listen as I discuss a fascinating study that looked at signatures of big bosses (like Donald Trump, Barack Obama and Richard Branson, to name a few) and what their signature reveal about their personality. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2275180/Does-boss-sign-flourish-CEOs-big-signatures-likely-narcissists-study-reveals.html#ixzz2KY54sNuh Maybe you are thinking about a New Year’s resolution for 2021. It always seems like a good idea but as we all know, most resolutions fail. So maybe there is a better way. Caroline Arnold, author of the book, Small Move, Big Change: Using Microresolutions to Transform Your Life Permanently (http://amzn.to/2COg6YV) reveals a simple, easy and virtually foolproof way to set and achieve a resolution – or any goal for that matter. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! https://www.geico.com Bundle your policies and save! It's Geico easy! Get Honey FREE and start saving on your online purchases! Simply go to https://www.joinhoney.com/something and start saving! https://deals.dell.com/en-us or 1-800-BUY DELL for the best savings available now! Get great cardio and strength training! Go to https://JoinFightCamp.com/something for free shipping and a gift worth $109 Get your first Hims visit FREE at http://forhims.com/something and a 90 day no risk offer! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know is all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu. She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future.

Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, the next time you drink hot cocoa, try it in an orange

mug. I'll explain why. Then shyness. We're all shy sometime, and for many of us, shyness is a real problem. Shy people tend to walk around like they have a mirror in front of them all the time. They are more self-conscious. So when you're more self-conscious, you think, oh my God, how do I sound? How do I look?

So that's when shy people shut themselves down. Also, what does your signature say about you? And a better way to make New Year's resolutions that really stick. It's a pivotal shift in behavior. It's easy, which means you know that you can do it, but it's much more specific than the regular New Year's resolution, which tends to be closer to a wish. Something like to be organized is actually a wish to be organized. It doesn't have anything to do with specific things you're going to do.

All this today on Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared.

It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for.

Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hi, welcome to Something You Should Know. There is no better time of year than right now to enjoy a nice hot cup of cocoa. And if you're one of those people, like me, who enjoys a cup of hot cocoa, you might be interested to know that if you drink cocoa from an orange mug, it will taste better. Researchers from Oxford University wanted to determine how color might enhance a warm drink, so they had participants sip hot cocoa from four different colored mugs, red, white, orange, and beige. And they rated the cocoa in the orange mug as the most delicious and as having the most intense flavor.

Beige was the next best color mug. It made the cocoa taste sweeter. The researchers also tested coffee in different colored mugs to see what that did, and the best color turned out to be brown. Blue and yellow mugs made the coffee seem somehow softer, so they determined that those colors worked better for tea. They also looked at soft drinks in different colored containers, and drinking soft drinks out of a blue glass seemed to be more thirst-quenching

than drinking out of a red glass. And if drinks come in a pink cup or a pink glass, they're perceived as more sugary. And that is something you should know. When I think about shyness, I guess I think of it as a negative. You know, people are told, don't be so shy, or you're just being shy, as if it's a problem or a character flaw, something to fix. Is it? Are people born shy, or do we become shy?

Can you become less shy? Should you bother trying to become less shy? All of that is what we're about to discuss with Bernardo Carducci. Bernie is director of the Shyness Research Institute and professor of psychology at Indiana University Southeast, and he's author of several books about shyness, including The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk. Hi, Bernie. Welcome. So dive in here. Why are some people shy and some people not? And what is it exactly? What is shyness? Yes. So first and foremost, people need to realize that it is not a character flaw. It's not a personality deficit. It's certainly not a psychiatric disorder. It's simply a behavioral tendency.

Shy people tend to do things in a particular way different from non-shy people. They think in a way that's different from shy people. So when we talk about shyness or write about shyness, we talk about shyness of the body in terms of behavior, shyness of the mind in terms of the way that shy people think. And both of these things tend to work against the shy individual. That's the biggest problem that shy people have, is that their shyness works against them. But are shy people born that way, or is shyness something you learn, or what? That's the second most common question I get when people ask me about shyness. And the way that we can talk about that is, yes, there is a certain biological component to shyness, and that component comes primarily in the form of

arousal sensitivity. So shy people tend to be a little bit more sensitive to sound and noise and these sorts of things. But that's not the biggest component of shyness. The biggest component of shyness is shyness of the mind, the way shy people learn to think. So how is that? How is it they learn to think? What shy people tend to do, a characteristic feature of shyness is that shy people tend to be overly self-conscious. And when you're overly self-conscious, you also tend to be overly critical. Shy people tend to walk around like they have a mirror in front of them all the time. They are more self-conscious.

So when you're more self-conscious, you think, oh my God, how do I sound? How do I look? I better not say anything because people are going to find out how uninteresting I really am. So that's when shy people shut themselves down. And that's the problem with shyness of the mind. They learn to think that way. But everybody is shy sometimes, right? Aren't there some situations or some people that make pretty much everybody feel shy? Absolutely. Again, that's a great question, by the way. One of the things that we tell people, probably the most important piece of information I can give to shy people, is to tell them, you are not alone.

We have been tracking shyness for almost 40 years now. And in terms of the general pervasiveness of shyness in the general population, it's about 40%. So about 40% of the people identify themselves as shy. So we say, look to the left, look to the right, chances are one of those individuals is shy. And if we also ask people another question, have you ever experienced shyness in your life or in some point or time or situation? And roughly 95% of the people that we've surveyed say yes to that question. So we call that situational shyness. So, you know, you might be pretty self-confident, but you meet your favorite movie star in an elevator and now you freeze up.

Okay, but you've said that shyness holds people back, that shy people report that their shyness keeps them from succeeding at things. But you've also said shyness is not a character flaw. So is shyness something to live with, or is shyness something to fix? That's a great, God, you're good at this. When we talk about shyness, I consider myself what I call a successfully shy person. And when we talk about shyness, we say that the problem with shyness is it controls you instead of you controlling your shyness. So there's nothing wrong with being shy. The problem is shy people don't understand their shyness, and they take action that works against it. So what we try to do at the Shyness Research Institute and in our writings and our research and our speaking is we try to help shy

people to understand the nature and the dynamics of their shyness so they can use that understanding to deal more effectively with their shyness so they can begin to control their shyness instead of their shyness controlling them. And that makes a huge difference. And so how do you do that? So the way that you do that is to help shy people understand the nature and the dynamics of their shyness so they can take action that works with their shyness instead of against it. And the biggest example, one of the best examples I can give you, is you think about shy people going to a social function. That's one of the things that we find that shy people do is they want to be social. So they'll go to parties,

they'll go to bars, they'll go to malls, they'll go to art openings. They want to be social. The problem is they go at it all wrong. So what a shy person, if they're going to go to a party, what they'll typically do is they'll think, okay, the party starts at 9, I'm going to get there at 1030. At 1030, there'll be lots of people there, and I'll be able to blend in, no one will notice me, and that'll work for me. Here's what's wrong with that strategy. When you show up late, people are already forming in groups, and so the topics of conversation, the depth of conversation has already moved quite a ways along. And when you arrive late, the level of arousal at that party, because it's crowded, all the chatter is pretty high. So if you're an anxious individual, shy individual, you're going to walk into there slightly anxious. Plus, it's really hard to break into a conversation that has been going on with a group of people for an extended period of time.

So it's like starting a race late. And so we tell shy people, instead of showing up late, what you do is you show up early. If the party starts at 9, you get there at 9. What happens is you then get to adjust your level of arousal to the arousal of the environment. So when you walk in there, the level of arousal is low because there's not a lot of people there yet, so you feel pretty comfortable.

And as the level of arousal rises, you can rise with it. And when you show up early, what you can do is you can start the conversation. Again, I'm a successfully shy person. I work on my shyness every day. And I try to be early to literally every place I go. This call that we've been on here, I've been waiting for this call for 15 minutes. I shut everything down so I could wait for you and think about what I was going to say, because I know that what we want to do is we want to move into this thing naturally together. I thought you were going to say you've been waiting for this call for 15 years. That too. So you're saying then, if you're shy, there are things you can do to work with your shyness, but it's not something

that you necessarily want to try to eliminate. No, again, shyness has been around forever. And we tell people, because it's been around forever, it must have some evolutionary value. The world needs shy individuals. I mean, just think about how social the situations would be if everybody were like President Trump, you know, wanting to be the center of attention. If everybody tried to drive like that. What we need is we need some people to move forward quickly, but we also need some people to move cautiously. So I maintain that shyness makes possible social civilization. Shyness is the cornerstone of civility.

My guest on the program today is Bernardo Carducci. He's director of the Shyness Research is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lining, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. Look for The Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most.

Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back, and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed, critical thinker.

Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Bernie, here's a question I've always wondered about. What is the difference between a shy person and an introvert? Because, you know, we have two different words to describe these things, shyness and introversion. So what's the difference? Again, the third most popular question I get. If you see a shy person and an introverted person at a social function, so let's say they're

at a party. Both of those individuals are going to be standing on the periphery. They're going to be against the wall. The big difference is the introverted person is standing against that wall because they prefer to be. They're trying to minimize the level of arousal and external stimulation. So if you're standing too close to a speaker, you're going to step away. That's what introverts do. What they do is they tend to step away from excessive social stimulation. So they like to have parties. They like to be around people. They do socialize. They just do it in a more subdued way, in a more quiet environment. So they're standing against that wall because they want to. Shy people are standing against that wall

because they feel they have to. They don't know what else to do. They want to be out there in the mix. They want to be out there talking to people. In fact, shyness has more to do with extroversion than it does introversion. Shy people want to be social. They just don't know what to do. And that's the problem with shyness is they feel it holds them back. They have to stand against that wall because they don't know what to do. And we say, if that's the case, here are some things that you can do. Here are some simple things that you can do. Here are some things that you can think about that you can do, that you can practice to build up your self-conscious, your self-confidence and control your shyness instead of your shyness controlling you.

And what are some of those things? Yeah. So, you know, we said the first thing we said is show up early, right? Show up early. The other thing is to look at the kinds of things that people who are successful in a social context do versus people who aren't successful. So we point out the thing that we focus on is small talk. Because if you ask shy people, and we've done this many times, we say, where is shyness the biggest problem in your life? Well, they'll say three

things, school, work, and most importantly, interpersonal relationships, making friends, dating, these kinds of things. And the key to all that is, I maintain, starting a conversation, making that connection. Every big business deal, every major romantic relation starts with a simple conversation. And so what we focus on is helping people learn to make small talk. So if you look at the way shy people and non-shy people make small talk, they do it very differently. And I know you have like five steps to help people make small talk. So let's talk about them. The best way, the easiest way to get started is to focus on what we call the

shared environment, where you are together with other people. So for example, if you're at a wedding or a party, boy, that's a nice food buffet that they have here at the reception. Or look at that four arrangements. Man, that's really interesting. Or, my God, this line is long for this concert. So when you make a statement like that, a very simple observation of the shared environment, what you're really doing is telling the person, you know, I want to talk to you. Do you want to talk to me? The mistake that shy people make is they think that that opening line has to be a knockout punch, that you only get one chance to do that. So because they're self-critical,

they think, oh, that's such a foolish thing to say about the buffet or about the line. That's just so obvious. When in fact, the simpler the opening line, the more effective it is. So two is personal introduction. So now that we know we're going to talk, we need some information. So you tell people your name and something about you. You know, who do you know at the party? Why you're there? So now they can begin to think, okay, I know Roger here, but here's some things that I can talk about. So prepare that personal introduction ahead of time. Step three is pre-topical exploration. So we're going to throw out some topics. So that's when you can toss out some topics based on what you know about the person's interest and things that they said getting started. And then step four is topic elaboration. So now, you know, we started to

talk about food at the buffet and you could begin to talk about restaurants. And then at this point, you can say, well, you know, when I was in Florida, we went to this magical Cuban restaurant where they had this great international music. So now you can talk about food. You can talk about vacations. You can talk about Florida. You can talk about international music. And step five is conversation termination. When you close a conversation, what you want to do is you want to end it so that you can extend future contact.

So you tell the person, I'm going to be leaving in a few minutes uh it's been great talking to you i've really learned something so that they know you were paying attention to highlight something and then say you know if uh next time we see you at the at the party or or the concert or at our seminar, we can talk more about this. Here's my card. Do you have a phone number? You extend the contact. Those are the five steps. But there are situations, and you mentioned it, that shy people have trouble at school and at work, as well as social situations. Well, school and work is not so much about small talk and starting conversations. It's much more about participation, asking questions, answering questions, raising your hand, which, you know, shy people hate to do. Well, again, what people need to realize is that they think that if they say something, people are going to find out what they don't know or that people are going to judge them critically. What really happens is when you speak up in a crowd, when you ask a question at a lecture,

people don't think that you're not very knowledgeable. What they think is you're brave because you're doing something that they themselves aren't willing to do. And what you do is you create opportunities for them. So we tell shy people, step up because what you're going to do is you're going to help other people, not just yourself. And they're going to evaluate you favorably, not unfavorably. An example is you go to a wedding and everybody wants to dance, but nobody wants to be the first one because they think everybody is looking at them and judging them until some brave soul gets up and dances and then everybody goes out there and dances. And what happens is the person who went out there first,

they admire you for making it possible for them to have a good time. So when I'm at a wedding, I'm the first one out there to dance because when you're in high school, lots of high school girls like to dance. Not many high school girls like to dance. Not many high school boys like to dance. So the book I read said, you know, if you're a shy boy, learn to dance. Be willing to dance. You don't have to be good. You just have to be willing. And that is probably the best advice any high school boy could hear if he wants to meet girls. Be willing to dance.

Bernardo Carducci has been my guest. He is the director of the Shyness Research Institute and professor of psychology at Indiana University Southeast. And the book is called The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk. There's a link to the book in the show notes for this episode. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demontss for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for

the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our Lister poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Do you love Disney? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all

things Disney. There is nothing we don't cover. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney-themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed, but you definitely need in your life. So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. Every year, people make New Year's resolutions. And every year, most of them fail. And there are a lot of reasons why that is. A big reason is probably because you bit off too much.

You decided that your resolution was to be healthier, or to eat better, or start to exercise, or spend more time with the family. All worthy goals, but also very big and very vague. So now that we're about a week into the new year, resolutions start to fail and fade away. That's why I'd like to introduce you to Caroline Arnold, because she has a better way. Rather than making these big resolutions that often fail, she has discovered the power of micro-resolutions. Caroline Arnold has been a technology leader on Wall Street for more than a decade, managing some of the financial world's largest software development teams. She's a recipient of the Wall Street and Technology Award for Innovation,

and she serves as managing director at a leading Wall Street investment bank. She is also the author of a book called Small Move, Big Change, Using Micro-Resolutions to Transform Your Life Permanently. Hi, Caroline. Welcome. So, what is a micro-resolution? I would say it's a pivotal shift in behavior that will have an outsized impact on your personal or professional life. It's highly specific. It's easy, which means you know that you can do it and you know it's but much more specific than the regular new year's resolution which tends to be closer to a wish than a resolution to action something like to be organized is actually a wish to be organized it doesn't have anything to do with specific things you're going to do but a highly targeted behavioral

change that you can marshal your willpower to push through. But doesn't that small change have to be part of a bigger change? Because if you just make a small change, well, fine, you know, instead of getting organized, you organize one drawer. Well, great, you've organized that drawer, but that's it. And now what? Well, no, a micro resolution, one of the rules of a micro resolution is it carries, it pays off up front. What you're going to get is what you're going to get from that resolution.

So if I want to be neater and what I'm going to do is make my bed before I go to work and I've never done that before, that's what I get, that's my success. If you tell yourself, okay, but I'm not 100% neat, you can tell yourself that every day and tell yourself you're a failure or you can say I'm going to learn to do this one, and that's what I'm going to get in exchange. If I shift my behavior in a relationship, and I have interactions that are better in one specific way, that's a benefit I get today. Not a someday benefit, but something that comes today. So how do you do that? How do you take a big resolution, like I'm going to get organized, or I'm going to get fit resolution like I'm going to get organized or I'm going to get fit or I'm going to be healthier? How do you take that and turn it into a micro resolution? So what you need to do

in any area that you want to self-improve in is observe your specific behavior. So if we take dieting, which is a favorite, maybe it's the number one resolution, people's eating patterns are completely different. You know, some people skip breakfast. Some people are snackers. Some people are late-night eaters. Some people drink a lot of beers. You have to really just saying, okay, I'm going to be thinner by summer is not going to get you there. But if you make one shift that's significant, and just about if you cut 100 calories out, you can lose the new weight loss model shows you lose 10 pounds over three years.

So if you, bit by bit, cut what you eat, change your habit, you will actually receive the benefit right now and longer benefits over time. So for me, one change I made was not eating after 8.30 at night. I didn't change anything else. That was the change I made. That one change, I saved a lot of calories. I went to bed earlier because the sugar was keeping me up. I got more sleep, did better the next day from making that one change.

But isn't there the fear that because your resolution is so small, the benefit is so small, that you don't see much difference, so you lose the strength and the will to keep going. I mean, as you said, if you cut 100 calories, you will lose 10 pounds in three years. Well, three years, it's going to be hard to get excited about 10 pounds in three years. Well, it's very gratifying to succeed at something you know is good for you. Just exactly what I said there about, you know, not eating after 8.30. I knew I was eating less. I woke up hungry for breakfast,

which is the most important meal of the day. I slept better because I didn't have all this food in my stomach. I slept longer because I tended to go to bed earlier if I wasn't eating to keep myself awake, all from making that one shift in behavior. So if you train yourself to say, gee, if I don't lose 20 pounds by next week, it's just all for nothing, you will just simply fail again and again. If you say, okay, this is a great behavior to have, this behavior will really make a big difference in my life, and I'm already getting a benefit now, you'll succeed. Another example is, you know, an organizational behavior. A very simple change in organizational behavior can give you a benefit right away.

My first resolution was just to keep all my notes in one notebook, forget all these different pads, writing on agendas, back of envelopes, and all my notes were in one place. I trained myself in that discipline, and then I got the benefit of it right away. And that leads to what? Well, I was more organized that discipline, and then I got the benefit of it right away. And that leads to what? Well, I was more organized that very day. You're kind of at goal the first day. The fact that I had all my notes in one place meant that I didn't stress myself out trying to find a phone number, trying to look up my notes from the meeting, trying to figure out what my confirmation number was on the plane trip I was taking next week.

All that stress disappeared because I trained myself in that. Training yourself, you know, making a micro-resolution is basically training yourself in a new behavior. And any new behavior feels weird when you first do it. You know, it's stressful to shift your behavior. And so you have to focus your willpower. What's good about a micro-resolution is you'll have enough willpower to see it through because it's so targeted.

You'll have enough willpower to see it through because it's so targeted. You'll have enough willpower to see it through until it becomes autopilot. Same thing with pretty much not eating between meals. I started by eliminating certain opportunities to eat. Maybe I wouldn't eat donuts left by the coffee machine, whatever. Trained myself to do that. Now I have what I never thought I could get to is I basically only have one sort of small snack a day. And it's your sense that it takes how long to get there, how long to get from making a micro resolution to getting it on autopilot? Okay, well, it varies from micro resolution to micro resolution, but this is what I would say. Any new behavior will be stressful. It's weird. So even if you say, I'm going to walk to work just on Monday, right, the day that you have to do it and the day you sort of vary your routine getting to work feels stressful. After about a couple weeks, it starts to feel more natural.

It starts to feel less like you have to think about it, less conscious. And at that point, you can sort of start picking up other resolutions. Over time, it becomes completely automatic. So sometimes I turn around and make my bed and my bed's already made, you know, because it's now just ingrained to do it. I think I haven't done it. I just wasn't conscious that I did it. Like so many things you do all day that are unconscious, whether it's locking your front door, you know, or, you know, brushing your teeth. You don't have to tell yourself to go brush your teeth. You brush your

teeth. That's what you're aiming for with micro-resolutions, to sort of re-engineer your autopilot to support your self-improvement goals. So you're taking on something small and manageable that's easy to do, and I would imagine that it makes sense to take these on one or two at a time, rather than, you know, 20 at a time. Right. I say two at a time, and it can be in different areas of the same area, but 20 is really doing I will be organized, right? If you say you're going to be organized in 20 different ways,

you're going to be talking to yourself all day long about everything you're doing that's not organized, beating yourself up, and, you know, your willpower is going to be exhausted, and after about three days of that, you're going to say, oh, my God, I just can't do it. I'll try next week. I got to rest from this. It was just too exhausting. So I'd say two at a time is the limit. And being, you know, within one year, if you do two at a time and they each average about four weeks, you'll get about 20 done in your first year, more than 20, 20 shifts in behavior is huge. Brings a big benefit.

So I'm listening to you thinking, okay, this is a great idea. It's much better than the other way of resolutions. But where do you start? Where do you recommend people begin to maximize the possibility that this will succeed? Well, think about maybe the last resolution you made that failed. Think about it instead of a to-be thing, all the actions you take that, you know, are in that area, whether it's spending or, you know, a relationship issue, a work issue. Break it down. Find one highly specific behavioral change you think will be, is limited enough that you can absolutely make it, absolutely commit yourself to it. Make sure it's an action, make sure it's personal,

make sure you're going to get a payoff for it, and then relentlessly practice it. Practice makes permanent. You also need to make sure that it's cued by something. You know, if you have a habit, let's say, of being defensive with people, and that's a habit you want to break, you probably can't say, okay, I'm never going to be defensive. But you could say, maybe when I get feedback from my boss, I'm not instantly going to defend myself.

I'm going to say, okay, I'll think about that. Thank you for the feedback. You train yourself to say it in one circumstance, it will carry over to other circumstances. But you have to have a cue for it so you know what's going to get you to remember to do your new behavior. You said that with a micro-resolution, it's instantly gratifying, that the reward is instantaneous. Well, how do you engineer that, or is it the reward is, I did it, and so that's the reward?

No, it's I did it, it feels good, but it's also, you have a practical change in your life that makes sense. If you say, okay, I'm going to hang up my keys in the same place every night, so when I leave the house the next day, I'm not searching in my coat pocket, my handbag, and my bureau, it's a small change, but your exit will be stress-free, I guarantee it, at least in that aspect. If you say, I'm going to, sticking with being late in the morning, if you say, okay, I'm going to never come home in the car with less than a quarter tank of gas in the car

and just always make sure that it's a going home thing to fill the gas tank rather than a starting out thing, you're going to remove a ton of stress. You can just get in the car to go. It's something like being late. It's a series of reasons. It's different for every person why they're late. You could be late because you didn't have a can of cat food

and you had to run out and get it. You have to sort of look and see what it is that contributes to make you late, shift your behavior, and you'll be so much happier just to have that leg up. There's 20 reasons to be late in the morning. If you remove one, that's less stress. You remove another, that's less stress and more success in being on time. So this idea of micro resolutions as you describe it makes all the sense in the world. It certainly makes more sense than saying, you know, I'll never be late again or I'm going to lose weight, which is vague and big and hard to do. But you don't

hear people talking about this much like this, like you are doing, and yet it does seem to be an easier road to get to where you want to go. Well, I think we're all, you know, everyone wants to be a high achiever. We're very impatient. We live in a very fast culture. We have a kind of, you know, and we have a lot of enthusiasm and a lot of determination, you know, and we think, hey, I'll be able to get over the hump. You feel so good at the beginning of the year. You believe maybe that you can do it. And you don't want to accept that maybe it's a daily thing.

You just want to get to the other side of the rainbow, you know, and say, okay, I'm done. My weight problem is solved. You know, people think, okay, I'm going to go on a diet. I'm going to lose 20 pounds. Even if you're successful in that, they think that you're done. You're not done. Unless you can maintain that 20 pounds, you haven't succeeded in anything.

It's better to be able to maintain a 2-pound weight loss than to lose 20 and gain it back in 4 months. What's the point? So it really is this daily thing. And I think, you know, if you say that's ambition, ambition is to make permanent change, as opposed to ambition is to transform myself overnight, you'll rechannel your ambition into things that you can actually succeed at, that you keep your whole life. Instead of saying, you know, I just want to get it done in a few months, make your ambition to change yourself for life. And you'll make a lot more progress faster than you ever will, you know, just doing a crash diet once a year or trying to

restrain your spending, you know, I won't buy anything that I enjoy, no entertainment. That has very little chance of success. So I think you have to sort of redefine success and ambition, that it's for life, you want to be improving every day. And I imagine there's a real compound effect here that the more you do and the more you succeed, the more you'll try and the more you'll succeed and it gets better and better. Absolutely. There's that feeling like, okay, I can be accountable. I am in control. That's one piece of it. But the other thing is any new habit you make, new behavior or new attitude you instill in

yourself is a pattern for other behaviors. So I used to come home and I would never hang my coat up. I'd just drop it in the chair because I felt I didn't have time to do it. I had to get on to making dinner. And I just started sending myself the message, it's really just as fast to hang it up. It's really just as fast to hang it up. I didn't even force myself to do it. My whole resolution was just to say, it's really just as fast to hang it up. It's really just as fast to hang it up. I didn't even force myself to do it. My whole resolution was just to say, it's really just as fast to hang it up. And I began hanging my coat up. And then I just began hanging up. Over time, the little pile of clothes I had in my bedroom chair disappeared. It's not too big a leap from it's really just as fast to hang it up now as opposed to doing the whole pile on the weekend to it's really just as fast to hang it up now as opposed to doing the whole pile on the weekend, to it's really just as fast to file it.

Oh, it's really just as fast to file it. It's a mindset change. You know, when you change your behavior, it shifts your head. When you shift your head, it has an effect on your behavior. So every good thing you set in motion does compound, as you say. I like that phrase. Well, I'm glad I brought it up. Thank you, Caroline.

Caroline Arnold has been my guest. She is author of the book, Small Move, Big Change, Using Micro-Resolutions to Transform Your Life Permanently. And you'll find a link to her book in the show notes for this episode. The size of your signature says a lot, or at least your boss's does. If your boss has a big, or at least your boss's does. If your boss has a big, bold signature with lots of flourishes in it, chances are you're working for an egomaniac. A study from the University of North Carolina analyzed the signatures of 605 big bosses,

and they determined that those with the biggest signatures received the highest pay and were more likely to succeed big or fail big. The study also suggests that the bigger the signature, the more likely the boss is a narcissist. Big signature bosses tend to be bad decision makers, but they have the confidence and the charisma to convince directors and shareholders of their competency. Some of the biggest signatures on the list were Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Richard Branson. The biggest signature in the study belonged to Timothy Kugel, former chairman of Yahoo. And that is something you should know. If I may, I'd like to call attention to the sponsors on this program. Those companies that advertise here, they make the program possible and they put a lot of faith in me and this program in hopes that we will deliver an

audience that responds to their message. And all of the advertisers in this program are handpicked. I don't allow just anybody to advertise on this program, and we have turned people away because I don't think that they necessarily fit with our audience. But the ones that do advertise, I hope if what they offer in terms of products and services are of interest to you, I hope you will respond and check out their products and services are of interest to you. I hope you will respond and check out their products and services,

and I think you will be delightfully surprised. I'm Micah Ruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers

at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law,

her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook. Starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. A new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lightning, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. During her journey, Isla meets new friends, including King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, and learns valuable life lessons with every quest, sword fight, and dragon ride. Positive and uplifting stories remind us all about the importance of kindness, friendship, honesty, and positivity. Join me and an all-star cast of actors, including Liam Neeson, Emily Blunt, Kristen Bell, Chris Hemsworth, among many others,

in welcoming the Search for the Silver Lining podcast to the Go Kid Go network by listening today. Look for the Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.