Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: Simple Strategies for a Great Relationship & How to Better Use Your Mind

Episode Date: May 23, 2020

While it is hard NOT to get angry sometimes, anger can take a toll on your health and lifespan. I’ll discuss some research that explains what is and isn’t worth getting angry about. What does it take to have a happy relationship? You are going to hear some of the simplest, smartest and easiest advice to follow that can instantly start to transform your relationship. And it comes from Arielle Ford, author of The Soulmate Secret (https://amzn.to/36dpn97). Her website is www.soulmatesecret.com. Why are unhappy people so unhappy? It turns out that unhappy people often get stuck being unhappy because of certain behaviors that keep them stuck. Listen to discover what those behaviors are and what to do to break out of them. Also, are you using your mind correctly? The demands of the world require your mind to adapt but it doesn’t always adapt very well. For example, we think we multi-tasking is a good way to get more done – when in fact, it is not. It’s just not what the brain is wired for. Thomas Sterner, author of the book, The Practicing Mind (https://amzn.to/3g7STSD) explores better way to use your mind that will allow you to be more productive and happier. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu.

She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, what getting angry does to your health. Then, some powerful secrets to a happy relationship. The university study found that couples who consciously choose to wear rose-colored glasses have longer, more satisfying marriages. And the reason is they're always

looking for what's right instead of looking for what's wrong. Then why many unhappy people are stuck in their unhappiness and how those people can break free. And the fascinating human mind, how we use it and how it changes. What we're asking our mind to do is to skim and scan very quickly, like on the internet and texting. Everything is done very quickly and we're finding that that area of our brain is developing more and more. And yet the contemplative area of our brain is atrophying. All this today on Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world,

looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology.

That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. You know, I'm well aware that there are lots of other podcasts you could be listening to,

so I'm very appreciative that you are listening to the Something You Should Know podcast today. And if you like what you hear, I invite you to subscribe so that this podcast gets delivered right to you and you never miss an episode. Our first topic today is anger. And if you get angry a lot, now you're going to have one more thing to get angry about. You see, your angry temperament is more likely to shorten your lifespan, as opposed to having a more go-with-the-flow kind of temperament. Scientists at Iowa State University found that men who admitted that they had a short fuse when they were questioned at around age 35 were more likely to be dead at age 70 than those who were less quick to anger.

While anger is appropriate in some instances, people who get angry over every little thing are the ones at most risk. Anger is a form of stress, and stress increases cortisol levels in the bloodstream, and that can lead to increased stroke, heart attack, and other health problems. It's important to understand the different types of anger. Personal anger, like when you get fired, well, that can be useful because it can propel you to confront the issue and motivate you to get a new job. But when it comes to impersonal anger, that's that blind rage you feel when you get cut off in traffic,

well, it's simply not worth the fight, and it may in fact be killing you. And that is something you should know. So many marriages and relationships are, shall we say, less than satisfactory. They most likely didn't start out that way, but over time, things deteriorate, at least for many. But is that inevitable? Must it happen? Or can you prevent it from happening? Can you keep your relationship happy or even improve one that isn't happy? Well, you are about to hear some amazingly simple, practical, easy-to-do advice from Arielle Ford. She is the author of several books, including The Soulmate Secret and Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate.

So, Arielle, why do you think so many relationships go bad? What goes wrong? You know, I think the biggest thing that goes wrong is two things. One, people don't really understand what love is, and they just don't have the skills. You know, we weren't taught in school how to be loving and kind and generous and communicate our needs clearly and to forgive and forget and understand what's normal in a relationship. Because people live like it's not normal that our spouse will upset, disappoint, anger, and annoy us. And that's just normal. What isn't normal is when we're always responding from a place of negativity or threatening to leave. So that's the short answer. But I think most people think, at least in their fantasy dreams,

that, you know, with the right person, there will be no irritation, that love trumps all that, that if we really love each other, we'll get along all the time. Right, but what usually happens is we marry somebody who has a lot of opposite traits that we make wrong. For instance, most couples, there's a spender and a saver. There's the on-time person and the always late person. There's the slob and the perfectionist neat-nick. Any of this sound familiar? There's tons of these things, and we want the other person to be like us.

But that's really unfair because we're all very different, unique people, and none of us is perfect. So we have to learn how to have fun with our spouses and how to make up fun stories about their behavior so that they don't drive us crazy. So give me some examples of how you make this fun when, you know, you've got the toothpaste problem and all the other things. Let's talk about toothpaste. That was one of the big issues when I first got married. Every time I'd walk into the bathroom, I'd see my tube of toothpaste, which previously had been perfect because I had squeezed it from the bottom and I slowly rolled it up. And now suddenly it was mangled from the middle because my husband had been in there. And no matter how many times I tried to tell him,

hey, listen, that is not the right way to get toothpaste out of a tube. Let me show you how to do it. He would look at me like I was totally insane and walk away. And after months and months of this, I thought to myself, there's just got to be a solution here because I don't want to have all these negative thoughts every time I see the mangled tube of toothpaste. So I had a conversation with my tube of toothpaste. I put it in the palm of my hand, and I said to it, what's good about you?

And I kept asking over and over. And finally, it sort of whispered in my ear, and it said to me, be grateful you married a man who brushes his teeth. And I saw that that was right. And so now every time I see the mangled tube of toothpaste, I smile and I laugh, and I thank God that I'm going to grow old with somebody who may still have some teeth left in his mouth. But, and just to be fair, it's not just that the toothpaste, the way he does the toothpaste, bothers you. I suspect there are things you do that bother him. Absolutely. So one of the big issues he had with me is I'm the messy, sloppy one in the family, and he's the neat neck.

You know, he'd go into the kitchen, and my coffee cup would be in the sink. And he'd say to me, why don't you just put it in the dishwasher? It's right here. And I'd say, what does it matter? Eventually, it will get to the dishwasher. And then he'd say to me, why do you always leave crumbs around the toaster? I'd look at him like, what crumbs? You know, I don't see crumbs. And so this was going on and on over and over. And then finally one day, he walked into the kitchen and he said to me, he said, you know, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and I saw your coffee cup in the sink and I saw those crumbs around the toaster. And I decided that since I'm the one who has a problem with it,

I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to cleaning up after you. And that was like the perfect ultimate solution to what was quickly becoming a problem. He's going to dedicate his life to cleaning up after you? Yes. Yes. And then there are other things, of course, that he does that I'm always like going crazy over that I've decided I would do. For instance, he never seems to close the refrigerator door all the way. It's always slightly ajar. And no matter how many times I would point this out, nothing ever changed. So I've just decided never to mention it again,

just that every time I walk in the kitchen, I know to close the refrigerator door. Because mentioning it again and again and again would result in what? Nothing. Just frustration, you know, having negative thoughts. Did you know, Mike, that every time we have an angry, toxic, or negative, or judgmental thought, we suppress our immune system for up to eight hours. So no matter how much you love other people, if you're judging them or having negative thoughts, you're actually damaging your own health. But what is someone to do, though, when you feel irritated when the cup is in the sink or the toothpaste tube is mangled, what are you supposed to, are you just supposed to just suck it up?

No, for me, what I like to do is get myself to neutral, you know, so I don't want to start a whole, I mean, it's not worth starting a fight over. There's some things that are worth fighting over. These little things aren't. So you just go, go for a walk, take a bath, do some deep breathing, get yourself to a neutral place, and then ask yourself, what new story could I make up about this behavior that would be fun? And let me give you an example. I want to tell you a really quick story. This is what I call wabi-sabi love.

It's about finding beauty and perfection in imperfection. I have these friends, Jerry and Diane, and they've been married about 35 years. And Jerry is 20 years older than Diane. And when they got married, Diane didn't know that Jerry had an addiction. Jerry is addicted to poppy seed bagels. And every single morning he gets up before her, he goes into the kitchen, he slices a bagel, which sends dozens, if not hundreds, of little black seeds all over her white tile floor. And then an hour later, when she gets up, it's the same routine every morning. She wets a paper towel, she gets on her hands and knees, and she wipes up the little black seeds. Now, one morning while she was doing this, she was in a really grouchy mood.

And while she was wiping up the little black seeds, she had this thought, oh, I wonder what would have to happen so I never have to do this again. And that was followed by the thought, oh, oh, that would mean Jerry's no longer with me. And she began to cry. And from that day on, every morning as she wipes up those little seeds, her heart fills with love because these seeds now mean she has another day to spend with Jerry. Now, this is a true story. Jerry is now 91 years old and totally blind and still eating poppy seed bagels. But what happened here was, did Jerry change?

No, Jerry didn't change. What changed was her story about what he was doing. And we can do that with most of the things that annoy us. Now, you can't do it if there's bad behavior, abuse, or real addiction. Okay, in that case, you need professional help. But for many of life's other annoyances, you can make up a new empowering story that will make you smile. I'm speaking with Arielle Ford. She is author of the book, The Soulmate Secret. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a co-founder of the Go Kid Go Network.

At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lightning, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. During her journey, Isla meets new friends, including King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, and learns valuable life lessons with every quest, sword fight, and dragon ride.

Positive and uplifting stories remind us all about the importance of kindness, friendship, honesty, and positivity. Join me and an all-star cast of actors, including Liam Neeson, Emily Blunt, Kristen Bell, Chris Hemsworth, among many others, in welcoming the Search for the Silver Lining podcast to the Go Kid Go Network by listening today. Look for the Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show.

Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences,

career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named the Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back, and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So we've talked about not letting the little irritants bother you in a relationship,

but a good relationship has to be more than just not letting the bad things bother you. There has to be some good things as well, yes? Yeah, because a long-term, successful, happy, satisfying marriage is based on a lot of things. It's about connection, communication, chemistry, a shared vision for the future. I want kids. You want kids. I want to live near the ocean. You want to live near the ocean. You know, I like to travel. You're not agoraphobic. You like to travel. So some of the big things have to be in place.

But the other secret to a long marriage is to learn to put on your rose-colored glasses because a university study that was done found that couples who consciously choose to wear rose-colored glasses have longer, happier, more satisfying marriages. And the reason is they're always looking for what's right instead of looking for what's wrong. Which just seems to be kind of, if you're not careful, a natural thing to fall into that you start to notice all the little things that irritate the crap out of you. Yes. And, you know, women in particular are like heat-seeking missiles when it comes to finding fault. Men aren't quite as bad.

You know, so the truth is start looking for what's good. And one of the ways to do that is to get into the habit of looking for five things every single day that you can praise your spouse for, even if they're little things, you know, like, hey, I saw that you were, you know, helping little Johnny with his homework this morning. You are the greatest dad. Or I see you've been working out again. Those guns are looking really good. Or thanks so much for, you know, cutting the lawn and taking the trash out. I appreciate all you do to help me out around the house. And even if there's more you want them to do, they will do more once they're getting acknowledged for what they're already doing.

Yeah, I heard somebody talk about this once before, that it doesn't apply perhaps as much to women, that men need that praise more than women do, and that by praising men for what they do do, then you get more out of them. Doesn't that make sense? It's just simple common sense. You know, acknowledge people for what they're doing right, they'll do more of what's right. You know, my friend Harville Hendricks, who Oprah calls the marriage whisperer, he's one of the world's leading marriage experts in the world. Harville says there's no such thing

as constructive criticism. He says all criticism is a form of violence. So we need to learn communication skills where we're speaking from a place of love, respect, and kindness. Those are the three critical ingredients, love, respect, and kindness. But why can't you criticize or at least point out? Because maybe if you had just told your husband to knock it off with the toothpaste, maybe he would have. But if you hadn't said that, if you had just had the conversation with the tube of toothpaste... Oh, I asked him a million times to do it my way, and he just thought I was crazy, because

in his world, the goal was to get the toothpaste on the toothbrush and brush his teeth, which he was accomplishing. He couldn't see any good reason to do it any other way. For me, it was just a visual thing. I didn't like the way it looked. You know, so let's say, okay, so let's say, Mike, you and I are married, and one of your chores is to take out the trash every Sunday night for Monday collection. And every Sunday night I find myself asking you over and over

and over again, take the trash out yet? Hey, honey, is the trash out? Did you remember to take the trash out? This has been going on for 16 years. I always have to nudge you to get the trash out. Then one day, I decide I'm going to do it differently. Yes, I had to tell you 15 times to take the trash out. But when you walked in through the back door, I did something different. This time I walked over to you. I put my arms around you. I gave you a hug and a kiss, and I whispered in your ear, thank you so much for taking out that dirty, stinky trash.

You are my hero. You are like the best husband ever. I love you. And then I would just walk away. And chances are, I probably will never have to ask you again. Probably not. And the reason is, there's two things. Men's brains are wired differently from women. Men need two things more than they even need sex. They need respect and they need to win. And so by talking to you that way, I'm giving you both respect and you're winning,

and I'm also explaining why I need you to take the trash out, because it's stinky and it's smelly and I don't want to be anywhere near it. So now you have purpose in it. So if you just learn how to talk to your guy, you can get him to do almost anything. And actually, I have scripts on how to do this in my latest book, which is called Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate. And there's free chapters from the book at my website, which is soulmatesecret.com. What about, though, with women? I mean, we've established that men need that praise and respect, and to win, well, what do women need? You know, women want to be heard,

they want to be listened to, and they want their feelings understood. So that means you don't try to talk us out of what we're feeling, and you let us say what it is we need to say. You know, so if I'm saying, you know, gosh, I'm really upset about such and such, but I don't want you to fix it for me. I just want you to listen to what I have to say. Then don't try to give me a solution. Men are always trying to fix things, but most of the time we can fix it ourselves. We just need to vent a little.

So let me vent a little. And when I stop talking, say to me, I completely understand how you're feeling. Or, you know, I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. Is there more? Well, you know, because there might be more that I need to say. And then once I'm heard, I'm going to feel a whole lot better. And then I can go back to my life. What if it's though not a little little thing that happens like taking out the trash or not taking out the trash or squeezing the toothpaste, but, but what if it's something that's really upset you? It's a one-time thing, but it's a big thing. Yeah. Okay. I'll give you

an example of that. So, um, let's say that my husband and I go to a party, Brian and I are at a party and we're talking to Mike and Sue And Brian says something that shocks me, humiliates me, embarrasses me. And in that moment, I can say nothing, or I can rip him a new one publicly. And I decide to say nothing. And now it's midnight, we're driving home, and I'm mad as hell. Now, I could say something, but then neither of us is going to get any sleep because I actually believe sometimes you can go to bed angry. So I go to bed, he goes to bed, he still doesn't know that I want to kill him. But when I wake up in the morning, I say to him, hey Bri, I have a problem I really need your help with. Do you have 10 minutes sometime today to help me with this? And he'll

say, yes. Okay. Yeah. Four o'clock. I said, great. Why don't we go for a quick walk at four o'clock? Because you want to talk about it now? It's like, no, no, no. Let's talk about a four o'clock. So four o'clock, we go for a little walk and I say to him, I know how much you love me. And I know that you would never purposely embarrass or humiliate me, but I need to tell you that last night at the party when we were with Mike and Sue and you said A, B, C, I felt X, Y, Z, and then I shut up. I don't say another word. And nine times out of ten, I'm going to get a huge apology.

Why? Because nobody wakes up in the morning thinking, wow, how can I make Ariel miserable today? That's not how people live, and yet we are always reacting as if people are doing stuff to us on purpose. That would take a lot of self-control to hold that in for that long and not say anything. That's a lot of self-control. But that's what happiness is about.

It's about, you know, as adults, we need to have self-control. We need to have become mature people who can, you know, understand when an appropriate time to talk is and what to say and be respectful. I mean, one of the ways we can be respectful with each other is to find out when somebody actually has the time to talk to us and the time to listen. Because if you grab somebody when they're walking through the door after a long day at work and they just got out of traffic, they don't have the headspace to get into a fight. But if you say to them, hey, I have something really important I need to chat with you about,

it's kind of a problem, I know you can help me, when's a good time? You know, you're starting from a place of respect. Yeah, but to sit on it that long when you could have easily said something on the way home in the car, which is when I suspect most people would bring it up. I think that would be tough for a lot of people. That's a long time to hold it in. Yes, and when we're angry and we're triggered and we're reactive, we say things we can't take back, you know? And so self-control is part of the winning game of love you know otherwise you're

just going around apologizing all the time oh i'm sorry i called you such and such and such i didn't really mean it it was just in the moment well you know that's how bullies respond to oh i didn't really mean it i'm sorry well it's really that that old do you want to be right or do you want to be happy yeah do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Yeah, do you want to be right or do you want to be loved? Well, you know what I like is that the advice that you've just been giving over the last several minutes, it's pretty easy and straightforward. It's nothing complicated. It's really just a question of whether or not people want to do it.

And if you would like some help doing what Arielle Ford has just been talking about, you can go to her website, soulmatesecret.com, and she has some free chapters of her latest book, and there's a link to her book as well in the show notes for this podcast. Thanks, Arielle. Do you love Disney? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. There is nothing we don't cover. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney-themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed, but you definitely need in your life. So if you're

looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our Lister poll results from But Am I Wrong.

And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Your mind is called upon to do a lot of things to get you through the day. I mean, the world demands that you do a lot and take care of a lot. But in answering those demands, we don't always use our brains and our minds in the way they were designed. And if we did, we might be a lot more productive and a lot happier. So what does it mean to use your mind correctly? Here to explore that is Thomas Sterner. He's

the author of a book called The Practicing Mind, Developing Focus and Discipline in Your Life. It's great to have you here, Thomas, and let me have you start by explaining what you mean by how we're using our minds sometimes in a way that's really not optimal. Well, one of the problems is that we're in a society that is moving, or I should say a culture that is moving faster and faster. I think sometimes we lose track of that. An example that I give is if you go back 100 years and people wanted to cross the ocean, they got on an ocean liner, and if it took three weeks,

they felt like they were state-of-the-art and moving at a pretty good clip. Now we get on a plane and it's six hours to London or whatever, and we feel like it's the eternal ride. Our perspective of how quickly things are moving and how much of a demand there is on us to function at that level in every area of our life is really skewed because it has come on us, you know, really for the most part in a generation. And it's continuing to grow faster. You see it with the kids today. They expect everything to happen right now, and if it doesn't, they're impatient. And so with all this going on, it's very hard to stop and just be present

as opposed to thinking about all the things you've got to do, all the things you did last week. So talk about that. Well, that's true. I think one of the things is that it begins to feel normal for our minds to be running in many different directions all the time, because that's what we have to do really to just function in our day. And it doesn't matter whether you're staying at home or you're at work or you're out on your own during the day, meaning it's a day off. Your mind is usually on a number of things at one time,

and we look at that as being necessary to function. And the problem is that our minds get more and more momentum in running at this high speed and all the time. And because of that, when we want to stop our mind and focus on one thing at a time, we don't really have that skill set because our mind has not been asked to do that. is to skim and scan very quickly, like on the Internet and texting. Everything is done very quickly. And we're finding that that area of our brain is developing more and more, and yet the contemplative area of our brain, the area of our brain that focuses in and is more present moment is atrophying. And this is something that is actually being proven through research.

So it's not just our imagination. And it's a result, it's a natural result of what we're asking our brain to do. Our brain is just basically evolving to accommodate our needs. So if everybody is doing this scanning and thinking about tomorrow and all this, so what's wrong with that? What's the problem? The problem is that, for one, we're finding that it's not very productive. There's a guy by the name of Dave Crenshaw who's written a book, I think it's The

Myth of Multitasking, and one of the things that he talks about in that book, and he admits that he did not do the research, he has just studied the research, is that what we're talking about here is switch tasking. We think of it as multitasking when we're doing all these things at one time, but we're actually not doing all these things at one time. Our brain actually starts and stops every time we change direction. So an example of that is you're sitting at your desk, you're doing a report, somebody pokes their head in the door and says, hey, you want to go to lunch at the deli. You stop what you're doing, You look up and you say, yes, what time? And then you answer that.

And then you go back to what you were doing as they leave the room. And what has to happen in your brain for that whole cycle to occur is amazing. And what they have found is that when you add this type of thing up during the day, as we keep switch tasking all day long, it's not only physically exhausting but it really robs us of a very large percentage of productivity that we could be accessing if we were more focused on one thing at a time. But there's also stress and other problems that come up. There are stress because what ends up happening is that what we're trying

to do, we have so many things to do in a day, that what we're trying to do is problem solve and be in all these different places, even if it's subconsciously. We're working at our desk, we're with our kids, and we're thinking about this thing that has to get done on Monday morning and it's Saturday afternoon. Or we're just not present in what we're doing. And because of that, our mind is working at several different levels. And that creates stress because we feel this immediacy of these tasks that need to be done. And even though it's totally impractical for us to be thinking about something that needs to be done on Monday when we're actually someplace else on Saturday, it's become a normal way that we function. And because of that, we have these several different scenarios running in the background all the time. Most of the time, it's happening in such a way that we're not even

aware of it. And because of that, we have this, our thoughts, our mind is very agitated, it's ramped up, and we have a lot of thoughts going on in the background that we're not even aware of. And these thoughts are generating emotions, which many times are pleasant or stressful, and it's just happening to us, and we're not even aware of it. And so what's your prescription? What are you suggesting people do different? Well, you know, someone once asked me, you know, what I thought the most important personal quality was to develop in your life. And it's what we'll call self-awareness for this discussion. And I would say most people are not aware of their thoughts. They're basically just in their thoughts. Their

thoughts happen all day long and they just react to their thoughts. And this all feels normal. So one of the things I have people do when I'm doing a presentation or a one-on-one consultation, and even with sports people I work with in golf with people for course management and better focus, is that I'll ask them to sit in a chair for 10 minutes and stop thinking. And of course, what they find is that they can't do it. And so my next question to them is, so what have you learned? And what they've learned is that their mind produces thoughts with or without their permission. And you need to learn to be able to be what we refer to more and more today as the observer. Because once you get that awareness that you are not your thoughts,

you're the one that has the thoughts, and also that your mind can produce thoughts and will produce thoughts because that's what it does with or without your permission, and that these thoughts that it's producing will produce emotional responses within you. Once you become aware of that, then you begin to be able to gain control of that because you can't change anything that you're not aware of. So the awareness has to come first. After you gain the awareness, then you can begin to work on the process of deciding what thoughts you're going to have and when you're going to have them. And that's when you really begin to work on the process of deciding what thoughts you're going to have and when you're going to have them. And that's when you really start to begin to learn how to focus.

Talk about the process versus the result. Well, we live in a very product-oriented society. We are very bottom-line oriented. and even though we have studied cultures such as the Japanese culture in the early 1970s where they were bringing the cars into the country that were much higher in quality than the American cars and also I happened to be in the piano industry at that time and in the service industry and the pianos were far superior than what was being produced in the United States. And they had a mindset that was very process-oriented. And we really have trouble being oriented that way because we become very attached to the product. And that comes from a

feeling of we're not going to feel satisfied or complete until we get to the product. And actually, if you look through your life, you'll find that there have been many, many products that you have wanted and desired through your life, and you've probably acquired most of them, and they really haven't changed the sense of whether or not you're happy. They do bring a very temporary sense. But it's the process of acquiring or achieving the goal that really is where the enjoyment is. And we've really kind of got the whole system backwards. And we need to learn to focus more on the process.

And when you focus on the process and your goal is being in the process, then you're reaching your goal in every second that you stay in the process. And then the goal or the product, it just flows towards you naturally. And we see this in so many things. We tell people to stop reaching for things so hard, to stop wanting things so hard, because it really does create this sense of I'm not going to be happy until I get to that point. And everything I have to go through between now and then, every moment I have to go through between now and then, is this nuisance that I have to endure until I reach this one specific point, and then everything is going to be okay. But in reality, when we reach that point, then we just pick another product. So even on a commercial level, meaning in the corporate world, like the piano business,

the Japanese were putting the United States piano manufacturers out of business. In fact, by the early 1980s, most of them were out of business. But the Japanese worker had a sense of, I don't have to get 50 pianos done today. I just have to make each piano that I work on correct. And that seemed totally counterintuitive to the American industry. And yet, the proof was there that it actually was much more productive, and the results were much higher. But sometimes what you're talking about, sometimes it seems easy. I mean, we've all had that experience of being in the zone where things just happen. Everything happens correctly. Everything comes together. The problem is it's

hard to stay in that zone. It is hard to stay in it. But again, part of that is because we don't practice that. You know, I have worked with golfers and I was working with a junior golf girl, a young girl who was very intelligent and a very high-level golfer. And we talked about this quite a bit. that get involved in golf very seriously, or really any sport, is they consider it quite natural to have to spend hours and hours and hours of applied effort to develop a quality golf swing that holds up under all kinds of situations. Then they get to a level where they say, and then this girl was one where she said, you know, my mind is my limitation at this point. I have the golf swing, but I get out there and my mind starts taking over. I hit a bad shot. I start dwelling on that. I have the golf swing, but I get out there and my mind starts taking over. I hit a bad shot. I start dwelling on that. I missed a putt. I start dwelling on that. And I

don't seem to have control over where my thoughts are going and the emotions that I'm experiencing. So we begin to work on this and they expect that mastery of that part of their game to come in an afternoon. And yet they've got thousands of hours in developing the skill set of a quality golf swing. So this thing here, what we're talking about today is something that we're proving that this is a key to bringing less thoughts, less stress, higher productivity, a sense of inner peace. And something like that is going to take a certain amount of effort. But we're putting effort out all day long, and it's very worth channeling your effort into something that is going to pay you dividends.

So I feel like what we're talking about here, we have to accept the fact that, like learning to play an instrument or anything like that, you don't just make the decision you're going to do it, and then you have it. It's a decision that, it's a system that you work at, but again, you don't want to fall into this, yeah, but I just want to be good at it, because now we're back to the process and the product thing. You're thinking that, well, when I get good at it, then I'll be happy. Well, if you're working at it constantly, then you have already made tremendous

strides. And you talk, I think, in the book about, you know, everybody's experienced that where you've driven some length of time and you have no recollection of the last 10 miles because your mind has been elsewhere. And sometimes it's kind of scary that you really haven't been really paying attention, yet when you learn to drive, well, you're so focused on every little movement, and that's kind of what you're talking about here. Yes, and the catch-22, the irony, I guess, is the better word. The better you get at it, the more it drops into the background and other areas of the brain take over and they just handle it. Whether, you know, if you look at toddlers learning how to walk, I mean, they are so focused on what they're doing and keeping their balance. And yet, you know, within a year or so, they're walking across the

room and that's all involuntary. You know, the brain's handling that in the background because the brain has already learned how to do it. And that's one of the reasons why it's difficult to bring your mind into this on stuff that you're very good at, which is one of the reasons why I tell people that slowing down, trying to force yourself to operate slowly, whether it takes something as simple as brushing your teeth. I mean, most of us, we stand there, we brush our teeth real fast, and then we walk out of the bathroom. Well, if you sit there and you try to really pay attention to your toothbrushing process, you will find, you know, by slowing down, you can't think of anything else. It slows your mind down. It focuses everything on just brushing your teeth. And it's very simple things like that that we can do that help us to experience what it feels like to be,

just be in the moment and be in the process of what you're doing. And it not only doesn't take longer, but generally you have no wasted effort in whatever you're working at, and you'll find that you're much more productive. You produce much more with less effort and much more succinctly. Great. Well, and who wouldn't want to be able to do that? Thomas Sterner has been my guest, and the name of his book is The Practicing Mind. You'll find a link to that book at Amazon in the show notes. Thanks, Thomas. And finally today on Something You Should Know, unhappy people. There's a famous Stanford study called the Terman study that followed subjects around for eight decades

and found that being around unhappy people, not necessarily being unhappy, just being around unhappy people is linked to poor health and shorter lifespan. Well, if being around unhappy people is bad for you, then wouldn't you think that being unhappy yourself has got to be not the best thing? And interestingly, psychologists from the University of California who study happiness found that genetics and life circumstances only account for about 50% of a person's happiness.

The rest is up to you. And here are some important traits of unhappy people. Unhappy people are waiting for the future to be happy. They have that I'll be happy when, and it's an easy trap for them to fall into. Next, they spend too much time acquiring things, while friends, family, and hobbies are much more fulfilling and bring you happiness. They tend to stay home, unhappy people do. When you're depressed, you avoid people. But people will boost your mood and give you perspective on life,

so unhappy people would do well to get out and mingle. And they complain. We know that. Unhappy people spend a lot of time complaining. And complaining is a self-reinforcing behavior. By constantly talking and therefore thinking about how bad things are, you reaffirm your negative beliefs. And that is something you should know.

That is the podcast for today. I appreciate you listening. I always appreciate hearing from you as well. If you'd like to drop me a line with any questions or comments and tell me how you found the podcast, I always like hearing how people come across the podcast. So if you have a moment and drop me a note, I'd appreciate it. My email address is mike at somethingyoushouldknow.net. I'm Micah Ruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community.

Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent VB Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, I'm Jennifer, a founder of the Go Kid Go Network. At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lining, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. Look for The Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.