Something You Should Know - SYSK Choice: The Simple Solution to Beating Stress For Good

Episode Date: September 7, 2019

Why do dogs do what they do? They seem obsessed with smelling everything and everybody and they universally love the snow. Why? This classic episode begins with an explanation of some common and often baffling doggy behavior. http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-know-your-dog-is-smart/#3-why-dodogs-turn-away-from-us-when-we-try-to-hug-them-3 Stress is mostly about your distorted perception. That’s the messages from clinical psychologist Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli, author of The Stress Solution (http://amzn.to/2cmIItY). So the good news, you can correct that distortion and lower your stress levels. When you look back you find that so much of what we worry and stress about never actually happens. It’s our inability to see the truth and our inability to predict the future that is causing all the trouble. Listen to Dr. Ciaramicoli’s discussion – and you will instantly be less stressed and you’ll have new ways to handle stress in the future when it pops up. Have you ever wished you had more photographs of loved ones who are no longer in your life? It’s a pretty universal lament. So why is that? Once you hear this, you will make sure you have the photos from this day forward. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-about-kids/201606/take-pictures-people-not-things Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu.

She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, why do dogs do what they do? You know, why do they like to smell everything? And why do dogs universally love the snow? Then, stress and worry.

What is it we're all so worried about? We worry about tomorrow when most of us cannot accept the fact that we can't predict tomorrow. Half of Americans say they are awake at night due to stress. 75% of Americans say they experience stress on a daily basis, and it is based on worry about what's going to happen. And we'll explore why people get stressed and become warriors in the first place. If you examine little children, they're not worried. One-year-olds are not worried. Two-year-olds are having a great time. We learn to worry by the environment we grow up in.

And anything that's learned can be unlearned. And if you've ever wished you had more photos of relatives who are no longer here, I'll tell you how to fix that problem right now. All this today on Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives, and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared.

It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts.

Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hi, welcome to the second weekend edition of Something You Should Know, where we look back and revisit some classic episodes. And today we're going to be talking with one of my favorite guests, Arthur Sierra Macaulay, who is probably the expert when it comes to stress. And I know you'll find what he has to say to be helpful, no matter how stressed you are.

First up today, we're going to talk about dogs. I've had dogs all my life, and if you're a dog lover and or a dog owner, you've no doubt noticed that dogs do strange things sometimes, and science has figured out what some of these behaviors mean. For example, you ever have your dog just stare at you? Mine does, and it appears that what they're doing is processing your emotional signals. They're looking to see if your expression or actions are matching what you're saying, such as a smile and a kind word. Why does your dog stand behind you when someone approaches? Well, like a child, they're probably scared. But unlike cats and horses that will run away when someone approaches, dogs look to their owners for help. Why do dogs have to go around and smell everything and everyone? Dogs get

tons of information about their environment based on what they smell. Beyond that, however, some studies suggest that dogs actually enjoy the smell of the people they're familiar with. Why do dogs universally love the snow? It turns out to be the same reason a child likes to play in the snow. The sensory quality of snow is so unusual, dogs just love it. Why do dogs turn away when you hug them? Recent research has shown that dogs generally don't like hugs. They'll tolerate hugs from their owner, but from strangers, hugs can really stress a dog out. And that is something you should know.

How many times have you heard that stress is terrible for us? It's killing us, that we need to eliminate the stress from our lives. And there are millions, zillions of different books and authors and programs on stress and stress reduction. But what's interesting to me about stress is that stress is something we impose upon ourselves for the most part. And so it's pretty much up to us to get rid of it. Now, my guest is Dr. Arthur Sierra Macaulay. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and chief medical officer of soundminds.org. And he's written a couple of

great books that I've read before. One is The Power of Empathy, and the other is Performance Addiction. And he has a new book out called The Stress Solution. And Arthur knows an awful lot about stress, and I think you'll have a different perspective and a different understanding of how to deal with stress in your life when you hear what he has to say. Welcome, Arthur. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. So define stress for me. What is it exactly? Well, stress really is produced mostly by misperception. When we're perceiving inaccurately, we produce stress, and we produce the stress hormone cortisol.

And when we do that, we narrow our ability to think in a more expansive way, and it also reduces our capacity for empathy, meaning that when our thinking becomes narrow, and that is a result of the stress hormone cortisol, we can't see things very clearly and we tend to perceive in distorted ways. And so when you say it's distorted, but if I'm in a stressful situation, what I'm seeing is it's what I'm seeing. Well you may be and but the issue is, and here's where empathy comes in, Mike, is empathy is really about perceiving beyond the surface. So if you're in a stressful situation, the question is,

can you slow down your perceptions enough and slow down your reactions enough to see the truth so that you can make very good decisions rather than making quick, impulsive decisions based on narrow thinking. But that stress reaction that we all get when we're in that situation must be serving a purpose, and we've all heard about, you know, the tiger chasing the caveman kind of thing, that it serves that purpose of protecting yourself. Has it outlived its purpose? Well, you know, when we needed to be protected against tigers, yes, we had that flight system activated through our brains that makes us want to run away and produce these stress hormones

that allow us to do that, make our heart beat faster and get more energy and sugar into our muscles. But most of the time today in our current world, in our civilized world, we're producing stress when we're sitting in a chair, not going anywhere. If your boss walks by you and he has a frown and you think that it's because he's angry and upset with you, you produce the stress response. Then later you found out that he has a migraine this morning and he wasn't even thinking about you, but you overreacted because your perceptions were distorted. And again, that's where empathy comes in, because empathy allows us to slow down our perception,

find out where our biases are, and that's where cognitive behavioral therapy helps, because it focuses on the distortion we make in thinking, like generalizing or mind reading. And in that case, the person would be mind reading. They'd say, oh, gee, he's frowning. He must be upset with me when, in fact the poor guy has a migraine, he's not even thinking of the teacher sitting in the classroom. So this way of thinking where we, I guess, we overthink and we think things that aren't true and all of that, it would be great to be able to sit back and say, well now calm down, you know, this is just me and my stressful moment here. But in the moment, it's extremely hard to do.

It's very hard to do, Mike. But if we practice the development of empathy, we more and more learn where our biases are, how they come from the past. And when we realize which kind of cognitive distortions we tend to use repeatedly, we can filter them out over time. And when we're in a stressful situation, we tend not to use them. The more we become disciplined about trying as much as we can to perceive accurately, we kind of learn our old records, our old stories. And when we get a sense of repeating those old ways of perceiving, those ways of perceiving that we know are not based on the truth, we can tend to discard them much quicker

than in the past. And so how do you start this process? What do you do first to kind of get a sense of what you're talking about? Well, using empathy. Empathy actually produces the connecting hormone, oxytocin. It's called the love hormone or connecting hormone. It relaxes our physiology. It allows our brain to think more expansively. And when we use empathy in interactions, we are more able to see the whole of a situation. We're more able to perceive comprehensively. So it is a lot about empathy training, teaching ourselves to not jump to conclusions, to not

impulsively react, to try to slow down enough to gain the facts. When we sense in our body that we're starting to feel our blood pressure elevate, we have to teach ourselves to slow down because once we produce those stress hormones, our thinking is becoming very narrow and empathy goes out the window. So this is a lot about teaching ourselves to be more empathic and realizing that when we do that and we produce this oxytocin, the compassion and connecting hormone, it relaxes us and allows us to perceive much more accurately and comprehensively. So can you give me an idea of how, maybe in an example, that would work? For instance, if you're in an interaction with a spouse or a significant other,

and you come home from work and you walk in and, you know, maybe your wife has had a bad day with raising three young children, and she immediately looks up and is washing the dishes and doesn't say hi and come over and kiss you, and you react immediately by saying, I can't believe I worked all day and you're treating me this way, and together you're off to the races. Rather than walking into the house assuming that she's been alone with three young kids all day, she's probably going to be very stressed and she may not greet me in the most loving way.

So I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to slow down my reaction and ask her, gee, how are things going? How can I help? Maybe start picking up some of the kids' toys. And by that, you're not reacting quickly. You're not being so overly sensitive to the interaction. And when we react empathically, when we give our spouse a significant other or friends or colleagues a break because they're a little off in that moment, they tend

to be more empathic with us and we have much more likelihood of having an empathic interchange rather than starting an argument. Well, what about stress that is self-created, self-imposed. There's no other person to have empathy for. It's all in our head. I have a chapter in the book on self-talk, because we learn how to talk to ourselves very early in life. If you've been called names, or you've been called stupid, or told that you're unattractive, or if you've been bullied, as a young child you tend to internalize those views of yourself and then you don't even realize that that's the way you talk to yourself and that's the way you produce stress internally without even being in an interaction with other people because you're repeating interactions of the past.

And early in life those interactions are very influential and they can have a dramatic effect on how you talk to yourself. So what's the work? The work is trying, again, to engage in interactions where you take in rational feedback from other people to try to get a better sense of who you are because, you know, we all grow up with biases. We all grow up with inaccuracies about ourselves. In many ways, it's sort of like when we grow up, we were looking in a circus mirror, and we can't see ourselves all that accurately unless we get very clear feedback from others.

And if you didn't get very clear feedback from others growing up, you need to get it as an adult. You need to engage with other rational people. When I do group therapy sessions, for instance, that's what we do. We spend time on giving each other feedback on how people interact with each other so that you can rewrite the old story and create a new story, sort of turning a fiction book into a nonfiction book. And you have to be open to feedback from other people to change that negative self-talk, especially rational people, people you know will be truthful and tactful with you. So I want to ask you about stress as it relates to worry, because those two things seem to be pretty closely associated with each other. I'm speaking with Dr. Arthur Sierra-McCauley. He is author of the book, The Stress Solution, Using Empathy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Reduce behavioral therapy to reduce anxiety and develop resilience. and uncover the blasphemous truth that ours is not a loving God,

and we are not its favored children. The Heresies of Randolph Bantwine, wherever podcasts are available. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue.

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Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Arthur, what is the connection between stress and worry? They seem to go hand in hand. Well, worry and stress and anxiety are all in the same circle because worry usually, not always, but usually is based on projected fears, fears from the past and, again, misperceiving.

We worry about tomorrow when most of us cannot accept the fact that we can't predict tomorrow. You know, Americans right now, half of Americans say they are awake at night due to stress, anticipating stress for the next day. Seventy-five percent of Americans say they experience stress on a daily basis, and it is based on worry about what's going to happen. When you are an anxious person and you have negative self-talk, the likelihood that you're anticipating negativity in the future is very, very high. And this whole approach, this empathic cognitive behavioral therapy approach, I developed

over many years to help people slow down and recognize that old negative bias thinking and get help in correcting it through positive interactions with other people. That's pretty amazing that that many people claim to be up at night worrying about tomorrow? It is amazing because the stress rates in our country have really increased dramatically. I mean, and it goes along with several other things that have happened in our country. I mean, the empathy rates have diminished. The amount of Americans trusting each other has diminished. 20 years ago, Americans said they had five to seven close friends. Today, it's two to three close friends. So our empathy for each other has been reduced.

Prejudice has been increased. And that's another point that I try to accent in this book is I wrote a section on prejudice, that prejudice basically is biased thinking, and it produces a great amount of stress. I mean, prejudice, if you have many prejudices, you're experiencing stress all the time because you're kind of walking through a minefield in life.

If you feel uncomfortable with African Americans or Italian Americans or Irish Americans or Muslims, you have multiple ways of experiencing stress on an ongoing basis. So the stress hormone cortisol is living within you on a regular basis, which causes negative thinking, weight gain, inflammation, hair loss, breaks down muscle tissue, causes flabbiness, depression, anxiety, and memory loss. Well, who could remember that if they're all stressed out? Right. And what is it about, it does seem that people are so less empathetic and sympathetic

to their fellow man today. Is that just a perception, or do you think that's true? I mean, road rage and all this, is this just, what's going on? Well, I think it's part of our fast-paced society, Mike. I mean, we are at a point where we work too hard, we sleep too little, we love with half a heart, and then we wonder why we're stressed and unhappy. And the empathy rates, there's a number of studies that are done every year where they test college seniors going into the workplace and what characteristics do they rate most importantly. Empathy used to be in the top five, top three, 20 years ago, 25 years ago. Now it's below 10, 12, 13.

The first thing that people are emphasizing is making money. So we have begun to put a tremendous emphasis on status and image and prestige and far less emphasis on character and integrity. And it certainly is pervasive in our society currently. You know, it's amazing from what I've read and heard and talked to people about this who are experts on the topic that all this does, I mean, all this stress and getting all pissed off at everybody,

all it does is hurt you. I mean, it doesn't do anything. You get mad and brood about somebody who cut you off on the highway. They're not home worrying about you. Yes, yes. And you're hurting yourself when you misperceive. Even people who maintain that they believe in their prejudices,

once they realize that they're actually hurting their health and their physiology, they start to take heat a bit. And yes, the way we think, the way we perceive is how we produce stress for the most part. And we're damaging our entire physiology, our heart, our brain, our immune system, on and on. The stress hormone cortisol is incredibly damaging if it's experienced on a regular basis. People will often say, though, that, you know, I'm a worrier. That's what I do. That's part of my personality. Yes? No?

No. I mean, if you examine little children, they're not worried. One-year-olds are not worried. Two-year-olds are having a great time. We learn to worry by the environment we grow up in, and anything that's learned can be unlearned. So no one is genetically programmed to worry. That is not true. It's never been proven. It is a learned characteristic. And again, I'm not saying that it can be unlearned very easily,

but anything that's learned, anything in your life that you have learned can be unlearned if you focus on it with diligence and commitment. But that surprises me because I've seen plenty of families, kids in families, where, you know, one kid is a worrier, grows up to be a worrier, and the other kid didn't, and they grew up in the same house. Well, they grew up in the same house, but we all know from having siblings, siblings are treated differently. And we're born with a bit different temperaments, but if you were born when your father had a great job

and was very happy in his life, and I was born when he was laid off and couldn't find employment for four years, or I was the youngest and you were the oldest of five, and I go through the divorce of our parents, but you were off in college when they got a divorce, your experience may be very different than mine because parents are different at different ages.

And parents interact with males differently than they interact with females. So there's a lot of variables in the family that we have to account for that can produce worry and anxiety. As someone who has certainly experienced that, waking up at 4 in the morning and worrying, to not do that seems almost impossible. I think when you've been accustomed to it for a long time, and these habits are, they have, you know, we've established neural pathways in our brain

where they're just easily, they're easily continued, and it feels like automatic thinking. But you have to kind of step outside yourself and, in a way, use empathy toward yourself. It's almost like you're observing yourself. You have to learn those old records that you repeat over and over again. For instance, some people wake up at the same time every night, 2.10, 3.10 in the morning, and they'll tell you exactly what they're going to be thinking. And I say practice the night before not thinking that, knowing that that's your old record. We're trying to change old conditioned ways of thinking by almost being prepared for them. So instead of waking up every morning at three o'clock saying

the same thing, oh my God, I got to go to work. It's not going to be good. My boss doesn't like me, on and on and on. You counter that immediately. And you don't fall into it. And that, again, is what happens when you know your old records. It's like dropping a needle on an album. You know, instead of playing all 22 records, you pick the needle up. You don't let it go on and on and on. You know, this is what I always do. And instead of just letting it roll on and roll on

and letting your thoughts have a life of its own, you begin to be more thoughtful and aware of what you're thinking so that you can intercede in those old conditioned ways of perceiving. Arthur Sierra Macaulay is my guest and we're talking about stress. He's the author of The Stress Solution. Do you love Disney? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. There is nothing we don't cover. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed, but you

definitely need in your life. So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice.

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and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. So Arthur, when I've had those times in life, and I imagine everybody does where you're up at night worrying and catastrophizing and everything. One of the fascinating things I've found. Maybe it's just me. But if I just get up and really wake up and not be in that kind of half-asleep fog,

then things seem better. Things seem more real. As opposed to when I'm lying there ruminating, then things seem worse. Well, when we're sleeping and when we first wake up, our temperature is the lowest it is all day. And we've been fasting, so we don't have the nutrients to make the brain chemicals we need to think accurately. That's why people, when I say when you wake up in the morning, get up and start moving. I'm a fan of teaching people to exercise first thing in the morning, for instance, because you find that you start to produce more energy, you produce more calming neurochemicals, you get some food that produces

the nutrients that your brain can turn into the right neurochemicals to think accurately. So when we're just sitting there in a kind of dull state, yes, your thoughts can easily go into a negative place. That's why I depress people. The worst time for them is when they wake up in the morning. But again, when you're waking up in the middle of the night, yeah, if you're just going to lay there and reminisce about all the negative things that have happened in your life, it is better to get up. Maybe have a little something to eat and go back to bed. You just don't want to make it a habit, though, because then your brain gets conditioned to

waking up at the same time over and over again, and you don't want to lose an hour of sleep every night. Why do people who do this and then things usually eventually work out, you know, unless you're diagnosed with some terminal illness? What was it Mark Twain said, that most of the things we worry about never come true. Why don't we learn from that? Well, because it's emotional learning, Mike. It's not something that we can rationally easily change. It's when we're conditioned early in life to think a certain way, it's like dropping that needle on a record. It starts immediately unless we intercede, and we have to keep learning how and discipline ourselves to break up that thought pattern. And we do that by always asking ourselves, what is the truth? What is the truth? And empathy is focused on truth finding. And that's why it's such an

important capacity. And you can continue to think in negative ways your entire life without ever realizing it because you're not very aware of what's happening. You're just allowing that old story to dominate your life. But what if the truth really is horrible? Well, the likelihood of that being so is very low. I mean, how many human beings do you know that are horrible human beings with no talent, no abilities, and are utterly ugly. So most of the fears that people have don't tend to be fact-based.

I mean, we all have imperfections, and if there is something that we need to improve on, like you tend to react too quickly, you tend to be too angry, again, these are all learned patents that can be unlearned. So you have to acknowledge your misgivings and have to acknowledge your imperfections, but the likelihood that you're going to end up in such a dismal place that you're a horrible human being, I mean, I just haven't met anyone in my travels that's like that. Yeah, well, you probably wouldn't, because they're hiding in a cave somewhere, I suspect. But if 75% of people are doing this, it almost has become the new normal. 75% of my practice right now are not people who are mentally ill, but they're highly stressed.

They're good people. They are oftentimes educated people. They're loving people, but their lives are in such a fast pace. They're living such a fast-paced life. Everything is so hectic. And as I said, they work long hours. They don't sleep enough. They don't exercise enough. Their health habits in terms of eating and exercise tend to be poor.

You know, we live our lives according to our mood. And if we're stressed and producing cortisol with consistency, we are not going to choose the best ways of taking care of ourselves. And so I do believe it has become epidemic in our society. Well, I don't know anybody that couldn't use a little stress management in their life, so I appreciate the insight and the advice. Thanks, Arthur. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate you having me again. Dr. Arthur Sierra McCauley has been my guest. He is the author of The Stress Solution, and there's a link to his book and to his website

on the show notes page for this podcast at somethingyoushouldknow.net. Lastly today, it turns out to be a surprisingly common experience that people wish they had pictures of relatives who have passed on or friends or even just moved away and they're no longer in your life. And we wish we had more photographs of them, but we don't. So why don't we? Well, psychologist Nancy Darling, writing in Psychology Today, says one of the reasons is that there are, you know, there's just a lot of people who don't like to have their picture taken.

So when the camera comes out, they disappear or they turn their head. No, no, no, my hair's a mess. I don't want to get my picture taken. And so they avoid the camera. And consequently, there aren't many pictures of them. Or the other thing is that so often we take pictures of people standing at the base of the Eiffel Tower, and we're so far back, you can't tell who's in the picture. So even though we have pictures of them, they're not very good pictures of them. And so Dr. Darling's advice is, and what she's doing in her house, is just changing the policy. From now on, you come

into her house, she just takes pictures of everybody. Clear, close-up photos of people. Because it's people who we want to remember after they're gone, and photographs and even videos are a great way to remember them. So no more, oh, don't take my picture, my hair's a mess. People come into the house, they get their picture taken. Because there will come a time when you will thank yourself for taking all those people pictures. And that's the podcast today. I'm Micah Ruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know.

Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely

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