Something You Should Know - The Damage Done by Your Negative Self-Talk and How to Fix It & Why Boys Falling Behind

Episode Date: February 21, 2019

There are a lot of things you likely believe that are not true. For example, sugar causes hyperactivity in children. That’s just one of several commonly held beliefs that are not true as I begin this episode of the podcast. http://www.rd.com/culture/false-facts-everyone-believes/ You are constantly talking to yourself. And when you actually paid attention to what you are saying to yourself – you will be amazed. Shad Helmstetter author of the book What to Say When You Talk to Yourself (https://amzn.to/2NfCg9e) and his new book The Power of Neuroplasticity (https://amzn.to/2TWPyKo) joins me with a fascinating look at how what we say to ourselves actually shapes who we are. He also offers ways to stop telling yourself all the terrible things like, “I’m so stupid…” or “I’m such an idiot…” because it can make a huge difference in your life. Shad's website is www.shadhelmstetter.com Some people try to squeeze the very last piece of toothpaste out of the tube or the last drop of shampoo out of the bottle. Is it worth the effort? How much can you save? I’ll explain the math then you can decide. http://www.thesimpledollar.com/the-last-bit-in-the-container/ In every country in the developed world, boys are falling behind girls academically and socially. Why? What has happened that seems to have marginalized boys today? It seems there are a lot of factors according to Warren Farrell, former board member of the NYC branch of the National Organization for Women and author of the book The Boy Crisis (https://amzn.to/2El9TDW). Warren joins me with a look at how this has happened and how we can all help boys get back on track.  This Week's Sponsors -Joybird Furniture. Go to www.joybird.com/something and get 25% your first order using promo code: something -Capterra. Find the best software for your business by going to www.capterra.com/something -ADT. Go to www.ADT.com/smart to learn how ADT can design and install a smart home system for you. -Geico. Go to www.geico.com for your free quote. -Care/Of Vitamins. For 50% off your first month of personalized Care/of vitamins, go to www.TakeCareOf.com and enter promo code: something50.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today on Something You Should Know... Do you really have to wait 24 hours to file a missing persons report? Or is that just a myth? Then you may not realize it, but you say a lot of negative things to yourself. And that negative self-talk takes a toll. But you can stop it. You can actually stop yourself in the middle of a thought when you're about to say, I'm so clumsy, I'm so stupid.

You're about to say that and you can stop in the middle of a thought when you were about to say, I'm so clumsy, I'm so stupid. You're about to say that and you can stop in the middle of it and you say, I've got this. I'm on top of this. I know what I'm doing. I can do this. Also, if you squeeze the last drop of toothpaste out of the tube, find out if it's really worth the trouble. And boys today, boys have a problem. We look at all 63 of the largest developed nations and in all 63 of the largest developed nations, and in all 63 of those largest developed nations, boys are falling behind girls in every single academic subject, and especially in the areas of reading and writing.

All this today on Something You Should Know. As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about Ted Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done Ted Talks. Well, you see, Ted Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new Ted Talk

every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu. She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily.

And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Something You Should Know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hi, welcome. This episode of Something You Should Know I think you will find really interesting.

And I can say that with some confidence because I think I've mentioned this before. This piece of the podcast is actually the last thing I do before the episode is posted, so I've already heard what you're about to hear, and it's pretty good. First up today, there are a lot of things that we believe to be true that just are not. So here are a few things you can stop believing. That sugar causes hyperactivity in kids. While moms swear it's true, study after study has proven that it is not true. You've heard that there are three wise men, but nowhere in the Bible does it specify three. Dogs sweat by salivating. Actually, they regulate their temperature by panting, but they sweat through

the pads on their paws. I'll bet you've heard and possibly believe that toilet water rotates the other way in the southern hemisphere than it does in the northern hemisphere. But it actually does not. Have you heard, and I know you've seen on TV, that you can't file a missing person report unless the person has been missing for 24 hours? That's not true. That's not a requirement that any police department has in order to take action. You've heard we have five senses, but scientists claim that we have as many as 21 senses, including balance, pain, and temperature. You've no doubt heard and seen pictures of Vikings, and they have horns on their helmets.

But actually, the idea of horns on a Viking's helmet was created by a costume designer for an opera. Real Vikings never had horns on their helmet. And you've probably heard that you're not supposed to touch baby birds, because if you touch them, the mother will be able to sense humans and abandon the babies. But most birds actually have a limited sense of smell, so they will not abandon babies just because they smell a little like humans. And that is something you should know.

I saw my first guest a few years ago on TV talking about self-talk. And he suggested that people pay attention to actually track what it is they say to themselves throughout the day. And I remember trying that and I was amazed, A, at how much we talk to ourselves and B, how negative those things are. You know, when you do something stupid and you say to yourself, oh, how stupid was that? Or, oh, I'm such an idiot. Or, I can't believe I did that. We talk to ourselves all day long, and so much of what we say is negative. And there are consequences to that.

Shad Helmstetter is my guest. He wrote a very popular book a few years ago called What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. It has since been updated, and it's been published in over 70 countries. And he has another book called The Power of Neuroplasticity. Hi, Shad. Welcome. It's good to be with you.

So explain why this is so important, because, you know, people have thoughts all day long, lots of them, thousands of them, and they come and they go. So why is it that the things that you say to yourself, why are those so important? Every single message we get from the moment we're born throughout our lives is recorded by the brain, and every message we get that's repeated is actually wired into the brain. So our self-talk, those little thoughts we think to ourselves that we think don't make much difference, we're actually rewiring our brain all the time. We're constantly changing our brain and rewiring it.

So that's pretty important. So why is it that most of the things, it seems, that we say to ourselves are negative? It's because the brain is wired to keep us safe, so it alerts us to problems. And that part of the brain is what gets us to think negative first and celebrate later. So on average, as much as 77% or more of everything we think is negative

or harmful or works against us and the real problem with that is that that part of the brain that stores all those messages we've been getting all these years that part of the brain doesn't know the difference between something that's true and something that's false or right or wrong or bad or good or positive or negative it just acts on the programs we have just like a computer would it acts on the programs we have, just like a computer would. It acts on the programs that are the strongest. And so we end up living out, literally living out, what we have wired into our brains that is the strongest. Well, it's one thing to think negative thoughts and say negative things to yourself. I understand

the self-preservation element of that. But a lot of what we say to ourselves is beating ourselves up for things we said, things we did. It's not self-preservation so much. It's just beating yourself up. Yeah, it is. And we got most of that first from the people around us when we were growing up. So the kids who were told, you'll never amount to much, or I can't believe anything you say,

or you never do anything you say you're going to do, whatever it happens to be, we end up getting those messages, and we get a lot of them, actually thousands of them, while we're growing up, even if we grow up in a reasonably positive home. And so those messages then get turned around, and instead of just somebody else saying it to us, we begin to duplicate the messages we get from our parents and our brothers and sisters and friends at school and teachers and so on. And so we're just on autopilot most of the time. But as you say, we get thousands of these messages.

Why do we remember? Why are we wiring in the ones that told us how stupid we were and not the ones that said, we're so proud of you, you got an A-plus? Because the key to all brain wiring is repetition. So the messages, when we were told we were stupid or something like that, we think about that every single time we think about it. We're literally rewiring it again and making it stronger. And the key to success is repetition, repetition, repetition. But the key to failure is also repetition. So we repeat most, we think about most, and we're going to repeat again most

the messages we have already that are the strongest. And so what do you do about it? How do you stop this wave of negativity and negative self-talk that you're so used to doing? How do you, and sometimes you don't even know you're doing it. How can you possibly stop it? Look at it this way. If someone could go with you for a month and record every single thing you said, and then at the end of that month you ask them to make a printout, type out everything you'd said for a month,

and then so you type that out and you've got it on a stack of paper. And then you circle, maybe with a yellow highlighter, you circle everything that's repeated most often. And when you read that at the end of the month, you'll see what your self-talk is. So you'll be able to look at it and say, okay, I'm constantly berating myself or putting myself down in that area. Or I might be saying maybe I'm on a diet, and I say everything I eat goes right to my waist, and I find out that I'm repeating things like that. So I can look at that printout, and I could see, okay, that's my self-talk.

I think I'll change that, because if Dr. Shad is right, I could change that by repeating the opposite. And that sounds awfully simple, but listen to what you're saying already and then begin to turn those things around. So listen is the number one thing. Monitor. Monitor your own self-talk. And then start to edit. And the brain is designed to do that. It's designed to help us get this job done. So it's not an impossible task. But the most difficult part is probably the first two or three weeks because we're still used to thinking the old way. And our brain wants to do that naturally, so it does.

So when we try to counter it and say, wait a minute, that's not me. I'm better than that. And we start to turn the old negative self-talk around. At first, we're kind of arguing with ourself, but that's just because the old programs are still there. They've been repeated a lot. They're strong. However, it's still listening. So when we're giving ourself a new kind of self-talk, the right kind of self-talk, and your brain has no choice, it will learn that exactly like if you were learning a new language. Like, let's say you wanted to learn a new language.

What would you do? You'd start practicing it. What's so striking for me is when I heard you on television suggest that people listen to their self-talk, and when I did, it was incredible how much self-talk goes on. I mean, we are constantly talking to ourselves, not out loud, but in our head, we're saying things to ourselves. And the amount of that is really amazing if you track it. Yeah, it really is. And I think one of the things that I've heard most often from people over the years is that they begin to realize that they were born to succeed.

If you see an infant in the newborn nursery, you look through that little viewing window and there's these little infants in their bassinets and you look into their eyes and you can just see them looking forward to this incredible life they have in front of them. And then they start getting programmed and then they become the result of those programs. So then later on in life, you hear about that and you begin to realize, what if this is true? What if I really still have all that potential I had when I was that little infant in the bassinet. And then you start to practice it, and your brain starts to get it, because it really wanted you to succeed in the first place. Then you got so many people.

You listen to so many nightly newscasts on TV, and you just get bad news and bad news and the world is kind of on your shoulders and you think nothing is working and then you realize, whoa, wait a minute, I've been listening to the wrong stuff. And when you make that choice and when you start working at it, it is really an enlightening moment. For years, I've watched people in audiences when I've been speaking. I can actually see the time when they begin to lean forward and they get a different look in their eyes. And I'm not some kind of motivational speaker.

I'm just telling them, this is how you were born, and this is how you got programmed, and this is what you could do about it if you wanted to. And when they realize that, then they realize, oh, I've got a chance. I can change. And I think that is where change begins. I want to get into neuroplasticity and how that and self-talk work together because I think that's really interesting. First, though, for a long time now, I've been talking about and taking care of vitamins. Care of is a monthly subscription vitamin service that delivers completely personalized vitamin and supplement packs right to your door.

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asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're gonna like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most.

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Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm speaking with Shad Helmstetter. He's author of a book called What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, and his latest book is called The Power of Neuroplasticity. And the two things go hand in hand. So, Shad, explain what neuroplasticity is. Neuroplasticity means that the brain is designed to change. And in fact, when I first began studying this whole field, we were still taught that

you're born and your brain has a certain number of neurons, and that's it. And by the time you're in about your teenage years, your brain will stop growing and changing. And by the time you're in about your teenage years, your brain will stop growing and changing, and for the rest of your life, you're stuck with what you've got. And then we found out that that was wrong, that the brain is designed to continually change itself throughout your entire lifetime. So someone who is 20 years old or 40 years old or someone who is 87 years

old, their brains are still changing. They change differently as you get older, and it may take a little longer to make the change, but your brain is always elastic. It's always plastic. And so that's where the term neuroplasticity comes from. And it really means, in a way, it means changing brain. And so knowing that, what do you do with that knowledge? You make the choice of whether you want to continue to be the way you are now, or you make the choice to say, you know, I'm going to start talking to myself in a different way. I'm going to begin speaking out loud and to others in a different way. I'm going to begin speaking out loud and to others in a different way because every single thought I think and everything I say is going to be programming

my brain. I might as well try this and see how it works for me. And I don't want that to sound like some kind of magic formula. It's just exciting to me because it is the way the brain was designed in the first place. And any of us, any of us can do that. And to do that means to do what specifically? What in the day am I doing differently if I'm doing what you're talking about that maybe I'm not doing now? One thing you're doing is you're listening to what you're saying. So you're beginning to edit. Editing is the first step. That is you're listening to what you're saying, so you're beginning to edit. Editing is the first step. That is, instead of saying what you were about to say or instead of thinking what you were about to think,

I'll give you an example. I usually never use myself as an example, but this one I will because it's so true. I can't imagine myself getting up on any morning and saying, it's going to be a bad day, or it's going to be another, oh no, it's another Blue Monday, or it's another one of those days. I can't imagine that because all of that stuff used to be there, but it got wired out of my head. You wire those things out of your brain by starting to be really mindful and conscious of it.

When you practice being mindful, which is getting really popular these days, the whole idea of being aware of your own thoughts. When you start to become mindful, you can actually stop yourself in the middle of a thought when you're about to say, I'm so clumsy. I'm so stupid.

You're about to say that, and you can stop in the middle of it, and you say, I've got this. I'm on top of this. I know what I'm doing. I'm thinking clearly. I've got a good brain. I'm going to go for this. I can do this.

I can do this. I can do this. It's the opposite of, oh, that'll never work. So when you start practicing that, and that simple example, think is a real clear way of seeing that's exactly how this process works, this thing I'm talking about, about try this, practice this, start editing, practice editing. strange or a little funny, but you'll notice the results. And then I always recommend that people listen to self-talk, not just because I've been recording self-talk for years. I used to be an interpreter, Spanish-English interpreter, and I studied language. And when I realized that we're learning a new language and the brain is rewiring itself to learn that new language, that when we learn the language of, let's say, the language of success or the language of better health or the language of

a better attitude, a different attitude, we can literally learn that new language and we can wire our brain with that new language exactly the way we would be listening to Spanish language audio programs to listen to them. Well, that's right. You have on your website those positive self-talk audio programs. You've been doing that for a while. I've always looked at it like this. If you had two of you, and one of you listened to self-talk, positive self-talk, and stayed with it, just listened to it in the background for about 15 minutes a day.

And then the other you could not listen to self-talk and couldn't learn the new language of positive self-talk. In one year or one month or six months, which of the two of you would you vote for? And I've always thought I would vote for the person who learns to change their self-talk. Listening to it in an audio format is just a way to help you do that. I wonder if it, does it work because it works, or does it work because you want it to work and you think it works? It works even if you don't want it to work, even if you don't think it will work.

An example of that is that's why we still know the words to those songs we heard on the radio when we were kids, and we know them word for word, and yet we never tried to learn a single one of those songs, and we could repeat the words today. We can sing along with it when it comes on the radio. That's because the brain is just designed to record whatever you're putting into it. So fortunately, the cynic or the person who's really critical or self-doubtful or says, ah, this would never work for me, doesn't make any difference. If that person decided to practice changing his or her self-talk

and stayed with it for even a few weeks, that person, starting from disbelief, would end up saying, you know what? My brain works the same way everybody else does. This does work. So let me ask you, if you, Shad Helmstetter, Mr. Positive Self-Talk, when you do something stupid, when you do something just as idiotic as the rest of us do, and I assume you occasionally do because everybody does, you don't say, oh, what an idiot I am. So what do you say? That's not like me. That's, oh, I'm better than that. That's actually something that I say frequently because I do things that are the wrong thing to do

or something happens or I'll drop something. But I'm not going to say, oh, that was really stupid. I'm so clumsy. I'm just going to immediately think and say, that's unlike me. I'm really better than that. And I should mention something else about neuroplasticity. When you start getting the brain interested in rewiring itself and you're taking an active part in that,

you find that your brain is not only rewiring that area you're working on, let's say it happens to be getting more organized, you'll be working on your brain. I want to be more organized. I'm an organized person. I do things in an organized way. And you'll find that not only are you getting up earlier or getting to work on time, but other things in your life start to get better.

Like you might start losing weight, something you wanted to do for a long time. That's because all this wiring in the brain is interconnected. So when you start to improve one area, other areas are actually connected to that and they start to get better too. That's when people really start to think, you know, this is changing my life. And maybe they can't figure out exactly how or why, but what happened was they just took control of the recording and the wiring process of their own brain. And are those kind of results that you're talking about, is this science or is this just your anecdotal observations of people you've worked with?

Nowadays, it's good science. And interestingly, but not surprisingly, the area that they began to study this most first was in sports and athletics, because you can measure the change. And as an example, the endurance tests in bicycle racing. Group A practiced self-talk for two weeks prior to the event. Group B practiced self-talk only during the race itself, and Group C didn't practice any self-talk at all.

Group A had an 18% higher endurance overall than either of the other two groups. Group B didn't do any better, and Group C didn't do any better. But Group A had an 18% higher endurance, and they only needed about 1.5% to 2% higher endurance to win. So in things like sports where we can really get it, we can measure the picture, we can see it more quickly and more easily. There are those people who believe that what you're talking about is kind of Pollyanna-ish thinking, that you're just looking at the glass half full through rose-colored

glasses, and people would say, I'm a realist. I don't see everything as positive because everything isn't positive, and you're up there with your head in the clouds. Science is on the side of the person who says, I'm going to be more positive. And the reason science is on the side of that person is people who think more positively are actually growing more neurons. And I won't make this complicated and I'll make it really quick, but people who think more positively grow more neurons or neural networks in the left prefrontal cortex of their brain. That's the part of the brain that helps you find problems, solve problems, look for alternatives, and come up with new solutions, and so on.

A very healthy part of the brain. People who think most often in the negative grow more neural pathways in the right prefrontal cortex of the brain, and that happens to be the part of the brain that makes you stop, hold back, get afraid, and not take any action. Well, I remember when I first heard you speak, and I thought, you know, this is really interesting. And I got your book, and I read it, and ever since then, I'm aware, or more aware than I would have otherwise been of my own self-talk. And I can see when other people do it. I notice when people talk to themselves, you can tell in their head or hear it when they say it out loud. And it fascinates me.

So I'm glad you came on to talk about it. Shad Helmstetter has been my guest. His book is What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. It was written several years ago, but it has been updated. It's been published in 70 countries. And his other book is called The Power of Neuroplasticity. His website, if you're interested in the audio programs, is shadhelmstetter.com.

And the link to the books and the link to his website are all in the show notes. Thanks, Shad. Good to talk to you again. I enjoyed it. Have an incredible day. People who listen to something you should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives,

and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson, discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly

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Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our listener poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. The Me Too movement has certainly shown a bright and harsh spotlight on some men and their behaviors, and it has turned up the volume on the conversation on masculinity and what it means to be male. This is important not only for men and women to discuss, but it also has big consequences for boys, the future men.

And that's something my next guest knows quite a bit about. Warren Farrell is an American educator, activist, and author of seven books on men's and women's issues. He served on the New York City board of the National Organization for Women, and his latest book is called The Boy Crisis, Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It. As a father of two boys myself, this is certainly important to me, and I think what you're about to hear will fascinate you.

Hi, Warren, welcome. Thank you. I'm looking forward to our talking together. So what is the boy crisis? What is happening to boys today that wasn't happening to boys a couple generations ago? Well, one, two, or three generations ago, boys were doing pretty well in school, and if they weren't doing well before junior year, they sort of turned around in junior year when they knew that they were going to be only loved and valued if they were the family's sole breadwinner. And so they got their act together usually around

their junior year. Today, we look at all 63 of the largest developed nations. And in all 63 of those largest developed nations, boys are falling behind girls in every single academic subject. And they're falling behind, especially in the areas of reading and writing. And reading and writing are the two biggest areas of predictors of success. And as a result of falling behind in those areas, they're also falling behind in graduating from high school. Boys who don't graduate from high school have a more than 20% unemployment rate in their early 20s. Boys who don't have, and so I started looking around, you know, what was there about these 63 largest developed nations? And the hint ended up being in the word developed.

That in developed nations, boys and parents have much greater options to get divorces. And there's much greater freedom for women to raise children without being married. And so I'm sort of politically, you know, more a little bit of the liberal side of things. And so yeah, not getting married, what's the big deal? People should have freedom of choice to do what they want to do. But it turns out that when women who are in the United States, 53% of women under 30 who have children, 53% are not married. And among those children that are raised in non-married families, they fall into three categories. The children don't either know who their father is, they know their father very minimally.

And the third category is they know their father when they're very young, but by the age of three and a half to four, the average child has very minimal or no contact with their father. It is in that group of children and in the group where there is divorces where the children don't have much father contact, that's where the boy crisis resides. And so I began to see that basically the boy crisis resides where fathers do not reside. And boys, as they're growing up and hear this stuff, what does that do to them when they hear that they're basically and inevitably the future of a problem that they've not participated in yet? But it can't make them feel very good about their future as a male.

You're absolutely right. I think probably the most frequent comment I get from parents is, yes, my son goes into school in seventh, eighth, ninth grade, and he's hearing that boys have male privilege, they have male power, they're part of the patriarchy, that most frequently used with masculinity is the word toxic. And he's told, well, he asks, what's toxic masculinity about? And he's told, well, guys don't express their feelings and so on. And so then he expresses his feelings about, well, I don't feel like I have all this privilege and power, et cetera. And then he's told, you're just mansplaining. And he feels like he's caught between a privilege and power, etc. And then he's told, you're just mansplaining. And he feels like he's caught between a rock and a hard place. Where did that come from, do you think? Where did the idea that boys are part of this problem,

not because of who they are as a person or what they've done, they're part of the problem just because they're boys? It basically comes from the evolution of feminism where the good news about feminism, obviously, and I was on the board of directors of the National Organization foror and an oppressed group, evolved from Marxism where there was an oppressor and an oppressed group, and we've turned males into the oppressor and women into the oppressed. And our, quote, proof that males are the oppressor is that they're the ones more likely to earn more money. But in fact, men do not earn more money than women for the same work. Dads earn more money than women. That's the population of men that earn more money because when their children are born, they perceive their obligation to focus on earning money, giving up a job like being a teacher, becoming an administrator instead, earning money, selling insurance, doing things like collecting

garbage or driving Ubers or doing things that earn more money instead of being a musician or a starving artist or a writer or whatever. And so we've taken dad's obligations to earn money and then said, ah, men earn more money than women do. Ah, it must be for the same work. Ah, men are the oppressors. They have a world designed by men for men at the expense of women, all of which was a complete misunderstanding of men's willingness to sacrifice for families and so on. So it's really, from what you're saying, it's two problems. Boys are handicapped because their fathers aren't around in many cases.

And when they turn and look at the world, the world looks at them as an oppressor or part of an oppressive group, which doesn't help anything either. Exactly. And then there's a third dimension to this, too, is that in the old days, boys used to have, you know, our grandfathers, you've heard the expression, every generation has its war. And every generation trained its sons to be willing to be potentially disposable in that war as a warrior, obviously, and also disposable as a sole breadwinner, taking all the hazardous jobs.

And so the good news is that there's fewer boys needed in war, and girls and women are sharing their responsibilities for earning money to a greater degree. That's the good news. The bad news is that boys experience a purpose void. And when they experience a purpose void combined with a dad void, and the definition of masculinity is men bad, women good, those three things add up together to really give boys like, you know, why am I living? What's my sense of purpose? And I have no guidance from dad. And there's, you know, my sister's living with mom, and she gets a sense of what a woman should be. I don't feel that. I feel abandoned by my father. Well, this sounds like a problem that has no easy answer, but where do we begin to fix this? I think the single biggest thing would be to, one of the things I've seen about men throughout history is if you tell them that you need them,

like Uncle Sam needs you, we would be willing to die. Sacrifice is part of masculinity. But we've never told men we need not warriors in the battlefield to die, but we need father warriors, men who will step up to the gap of our sons. Boys and girls growing up need their dads. Here's why. Here's the ten major things that dads do that lead to children doing so well. Here's what happens for children when they have the boundary enforcement that dads tend to bring to the family. Here's the bonds that dads create when they do the roughhousing. Here are the seven or eight other values of fathers. And dads, we need you to provide this. We don't need your dime. We need your time. And you need to explain to, you need to understand what you contribute and you need

to explain in a very loving way to the future mother or your wife what your contribution is. And you need to start worrying less about earning money and more about putting time into the family. What about families where dad is gone and he's not coming back? The most important single thing that a mom can do is to understand those nine or ten differences about what dads contribute. So, for example, dads have a natural propensity to sort of enforce boundaries more thoroughly than moms do. Moms have a natural propensity to nurture and protect. However, that doesn't mean a mom cannot develop the skill set to enforce boundaries. And boundary enforcement is one of the single biggest predictors of a child having the ability to have

postponed gratification. So typically speaking, a dad and mom will both set boundaries the same way. They'll both say you can't have your ice cream until you finish your peas. Children will test boundaries the same way, try to have as few peas as possible before they have their ice cream. And moms will tend though to enforce boundaries differently than dads do. They'll tend to focus on, okay, sweetie, I guess it's been a tough day for you. I'm not going to get into a big fight about a few peas. Okay, have these few more peas and then you can have your ice cream. Whereas dads will say, excuse me, the deal is finish your peas. If you don't finish your peas, you can't have your ice cream. And if

you whine about it, you won't have any ice cream tomorrow night either. And so kids learn with dads much more frequently to have postponed gratification that they can't have their ice cream tomorrow night either. And so kids learn with dads much more frequently to have postponed gratification, that they can't have their ice cream until those peas are finished. With moms, they tend to learn to manipulate a better deal. However, moms can enforce boundaries. They just need to know how important that is to creating postponed gratification. And for boys in particular who don't have postponed gratification, they don't do for boys in particular, who don't have postponed gratification, they don't do well in their homework, they don't do well in rehearsing for the basketball team, etc. And they therefore feel ashamed about themselves, they don't get the pride of their parents, the honoring of their teachers. And when it comes to girl boy time, girls don't date losers.

They want performers, winners. So one of the number one thing I'd say that moms can do is the boundary enforcement. The number two thing would be bonding with the children by playing with them. What about the idea, and I've heard this so many times,, if there is no father, at least some other male figure can help fill that role. Is it the maleness of that figure, or is it what you're talking about of just enforcing rules and it doesn't really matter if it's a woman or a man, it's just that that's what needs to happen? There is a male figure part of it. In other words, children that have good stepfathers do better than children that don't have stepfathers, but they don't do as well as children who have biological fathers.

So part of it is the biological father. The child looks in the mirror. He wants to know, you know, who am I? He sees the body language of his dad, but especially if he hears criticism about his dad, like his dad is a narcissist or a liar or whatever he tends to fear that he'll become that and he often feels abandoned by his biological father even if there's a good stepfather involved or a good mentor however there's a lot of things you can do number one is get your children involved with Cub Scouts number two Boy Scouts number three mankind project four, get your children involved in a faith-based community that's relevant to you, where there's not only a good leader, but that good leader gets the children, your son, involved with other boys his age

and facilitates them to express their fears, their problems, what they're worried about, so that your son begins to have health intelligence, emotional problems, what they're worried about, so that your son begins to have health intelligence, emotional intelligence, rather than just heroic intelligence. I can get attention if I play football, and even if I get a concussion, I don't care because I need the attention. Well, boys also learn that not to be too emotional, especially as the teen years approach where boys tend to clam up and not say anything and it's all one word answers and I'm fine, leave me alone. Exactly. And that's the preparation for heroic intelligence that boys have learned to do only for a few million years. And so it's

deeply ingrained. Probably there's sort of all sorts of genetic transfers that that helps in that direction but what boys learn more than anything else is they they want approval just like girls do and so when they're getting approval from mom and dad or mom only for you know expressing their feelings and not just saying you know I'm fine when you're not fine to understand that you know that boys commit suicide at six times the rate of girls when they're in their 20s. And one of the reasons they do is they're far less likely to talk about their feelings. They're far less likely to go to counselors when they're having suicidal ideations. And that leads to a lot more vulnerability. Men have to be taught by their moms and their dads that boys' weakness is their facade of strength, just like men's weakness is their facade of strength.

And so that keeping your feelings and your fears to yourself was really good to prepare yourself to be willing to die on the battlefield and not disrupt the training of boys to die. But it's not good for your health. This all sounds virtually insurmountable, that we've gone so far down the road on this, that this isn't going to change anytime soon. It's not going to change quickly. This is a lot of work. But there's a lot of things that can be done. And boys really, when they see that the bottom line is different, that there's more openness and respect is the key word here. When they're respected, when they share who they are, when they're respected, when they think through, when they don't just say, I'm good at football, therefore I should play.

But they're asking new questions like, is flag football better? Can I play basketball instead things like when they're when new opportunities of getting respect are presented to boys when they're encouraged to go into the Cub Scouts the Boy Scouts and so on these these create different ways of honoring our sons and if you're saying to your son yes you're going to be different than other boys and that's because you're saying to your son, yes, you're going to be different than other boys. And that's because we are training you to be long-term success-oriented. Here's the value of what we're doing. Family dinner nights are especially important, but family dinner nights need to be structured so they don't become family dinner nightmares. Every person at the

family dinner table needs to know how to listen and how to draw out every other person so that everyone has a chance to be fully heard. What about the issue that we hear so much about if boys were more like girls that would be better and that masculinity in and of itself is a problem that being what has been traditionally masculine needs to change? It's mostly true and partially false, meaning that the last 50 years, what we've done is given girls much more permission to be more on their masculine side, so to speak, to be able to run corporations.

And basically, the message to girls has been, discover who you are and be who you are. And that needs to be the message to boys. Now, for some boys, being who they are will be the future firefighter, the future soldier. And we need to give permission for that boy to be that way and honor him for doing the sacrifices that he's willing to do to serve his country and to honor himself. Then the answer is not boys be more feminine, but the answer is have permission to be more on your feminine side and to recognize the reason you never had that permission is because the way we survived as a culture is by not giving you that permission.

You had permission to die and be called a hero. You never had permission to love and open up in a way that was really allowed us to see who you are as a human being, not just who you are as a human doing. So where do you think this realistically is headed? It is right now headed in an extremely destructive direction. And if you know, we need to sort of confront the portion of feminism that says that masculinity is toxic. We need to precede the toxicity that does evolve from masculinity at times and in ways with also the enormous amount of value that masculinity has had. Every firefighter that goes out there to save our homes is pretty much a male. The first responders are male. Our homes are built by

construction workers who die at a rate of one every workday hour. The people who pick up our garbage and clean our sewers and so on, who build our skyscrapers, build our bridges. That's all the result of masculinity at its best. But it also creates a sacrifice that creates the toxicity of masculinity at its worst. And so we need to begin to see both at the same time and say, what is our young son, what is he about, and what's he more prone to? Not just say, there's going to be a war coming up, and look at grandpa here in his Marines uniform. He's a great soldier. We want you to be like him. Well, I appreciate you sharing that.

Warren Farrell has been my guest. He is an American educator and author of seven books on men's and women's issues. His latest book is called The Boy Crisis, Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It. You'll find a link to his book in the show notes. Thanks, Warren. It's really a pleasure talking with you. Are you one of those people who likes to get that very last little bit of toothpaste out of the tube or the last drop of shampoo out of the bottle?

A lot of people like to do that, but is it really worth the effort? The people at the Simple Dollar website did some math and found that for most products, you're only saving a tiny, tiny bit of money. For example, the average tube of toothpaste costs four or five dollars, and there are about 50 uses in there. The last use, which may take a lot of effort to get out of the tube, will save you $0.08 or less. And you'll save even less than that on the last drop of shampoo. Bargain brands of shampoo boil down to about $0.05 per use. But if you use a more expensive shampoo,

it may be worth leaving that bottle upside down. That's the podcast today. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening to Something You Should Know. Do you love Disney? Do you love top 10 lists? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. The parks, the movies, the music, the food, the lore.

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