Something You Should Know - The Power of Validating a Person’s Feelings & How to Develop Mental Toughness

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

Since you only have one chance to make a good first impression, this episode begins with some scientifically tested techniques that will instantly make you look better and smarter to the people you meet. http://www.menshealth.com/best-life/12-ways-to-look-smarter We all know it is important to be a good listener – but beyond listening is “validation.” When you can validate the person you are talking to, amazing things happen according to Michael Sorenson who is a podcaster, coach and author of the book I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships (https://amzn.to/2Kao7JL). He joins me to explain how to validate someone and why it is so powerful. Also, here is the link to his podcast: https://michaelssorensen.com/i-hear-you-podcast/ We hear a lot about the importance of washing your hands to wash away germs and bacteria but washing your hands may also help you wash away bad luck and bad experiences. Listen as I explain this unusual phenomenon. http://newsroom.ucr.edu/2686 Mental toughness is not something reserved for elite athletes or elite soldiers. You, I and anyone else can develop mental toughness according Jason Selk, former director of mental training for the 2011 World Series Champions, the St. Louis Cardinals and author of the book Organize Tomorrow Today (https://amzn.to/3eo5m3B). Jason explains a simple strategy that can help you perform at your very best no matter what.  This Week’s Sponsors  -AirMedCare Network.Go to www.AirMedCareNetwork.com/something and get up to a $50 gift card when you use the promo code: something -Grubhub. For $10 off any order of $15 or more (for new diners only), download the Grubhub app and use promo code SYSK  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu.

She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, how to look more intelligent when you're making that We'll be right back. that were six-figure deals that were about to be lost simply because they stepped in and validated the other party first before negotiating. It helps people be more open to your feedback and your advice.

It helps you deepen your relationships. Then, can washing your hands actually wash away bad luck? You might be surprised. And developing mental toughness so you can perform at your best no matter what. It really boils down to self-confidence. See, self-confidence, Mike, is the single most important variable for all human performance. And if my self-confidence is low, it's going to make it difficult for me to perform at or above my potential.

All this today on Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives, and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool.

And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, welcome to Something You Should Know. I don't know about you, but I find that if I'm not careful, I spend a lot of time in front of the television watching the coverage of all that's going on in the world with the coronavirus. And it does get a little overwhelming at times. If you find yourself in that situation, I invite you to dive into our archives.

We've got 300-plus episodes of this podcast to listen to, almost none of which talk about the coronavirus. And it's a great way to fill up some of the extra time you probably have while we're waiting for this all to pass. We start today with how to influence people's first impression of you so that you come off looking more intelligent. Here are some scientifically proven strategies. No booze. People holding a drink in their hand automatically appear less intelligent. People are so conditioned to associate drinking with being drunk

that they expect it whenever they see alcohol cues. So, if you're drinking, you look dumber. Use your middle initial. It can make others see you as smarter, according to research from Ireland. In the study, people were more likely to choose participants with a middle initial to be their partners for an intellectual quiz game than people who had no middle initial. Don't use text speak in an email or on social media, using the letter U instead of the word you, or writing PPL instead of the word people. In a study, people who posted status updates with correct spelling and capitalization were judged as more intelligent

and competent. Wear glasses. People who wear glasses are consistently rated as more intelligent than people who don't. Act interested. Resist the urge to zone out when someone's blathering on and on to you. People who appear engaged in a conversation and make solid eye contact and maintain an upright posture are rated as more intelligent. And use small words. People who try to impress with big words are perceived as less intelligent

than people who just talk normal. And that is something you should know. How many times have you heard that it's important to be a good listener, to really hear what the other person is saying, repeat it back to them even, to let them know that you heard their words. And while that's probably a good idea, you may want to take it a step further, and that step further is validation. Michael Sorensen knows a lot about this. Michael is a podcaster and coach, and he's author of the book, I Hear You, The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships.

Hey, Michael. Thanks for having me. So explain the concept of validation, what it is, how it works, and why it's so powerful. We talk a lot in society today about the importance of listening, right? Whether it's in your romantic relationships, in your professional relationships, what have you. And listening is important, but really, at the end of the day, the really great listeners of the world are more than just that. They listen, they seek to understand the other person, and then they validate. And the big idea here is that that third point, validation,

helping somebody feel heard and understood, is what we really all crave at the end of the day. It's more than just feeling like someone's hearing the words we're saying. We want to know that they're understanding the emotions that we're feeling, that they really get us. What's the thing that has to happen to become that kind of listener? Because I don't think people, people like to think that they listen, but I don't think necessarily that people listen the way you're talking about listening. Right. Well, one of the biggest issues that most of us fall into is that if somebody comes to us and they're complaining, right, or they're going through something of a difficult nature, we assume that they want our advice, right? We assume that they want help. And while that may be true in certain instances, nine times out of 10, that's not really what they want. Really what they want is for you to help them not feel crazy. And so validation, I always talk about has two main points. So when someone's talking to you, most of the time, what they want is validation. And what that means is they want to feel like you understand what they're going through

and that you don't blame them. You don't judge them for however they're feeling. So effective validation identifies an emotion and then it offers justification for feeling that emotion. And oftentimes if we provide that, you know, somebody comes to us with a problem, we just go, oh my gosh, I can't even believe that. And we just leave it at that and let them keep talking. That's what they're looking for versus, well, did you try this? Well, then you should do that. Or I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. All of those are invalidating statements. And they essentially tell the other person, don't feel whatever you're feeling.

Yeah, well, I guess we have a tendency, maybe men especially, that if you come to me with a problem, what you really want is my advice and solution. And that's where a lot of us go. I talk and teach and preach about validation all the time and not last week. My wife came to me with something and I immediately jumped in trying to fix it or give her advice. And she just stopped and looked at me and said, Michael, I don't need you to fix it. I just want you to validate me. And I thought, oh, shoot. Do you think though there is a bit of a gender difference that maybe men, when they express a problem, are maybe looking for advice and maybe validation, too, but that, you know, we often hear that women don't, I don't want you to fix it, I just want you to hear me.

But sometimes I think men want you to fix it or at least have an idea? Well, I'm happy you asked that because that is what we assume most of the time. And I think in large part, that's because we as men feel like our emotions don't matter, or we almost don't like to admit when we are emotional. And yet, if we're sticking with stereotypes for a moment, men also stereotypically can be quite prideful, right? Or we have a bit of an ego. We don't necessarily like to need help. And so we might not admit it. And yet most of the time, you know, if I'm talking with a buddy of mine or a coworker and he's telling me something that's frustrating and I try to help him fix it, he gets defensive, right? He almost takes offense to that. Like, no, don't, don't tell me how to fix it, right? So it's this interesting dance because a lot of us aren't even aware of the fact that we

want validation. And yet it's a basic human need, right? We all, as humans, have a deep-seated need to feel heard and understood. And so while women may be a little more in tune with that fact, you know, and they might say, no, I just want you to listen to me. Med needed every bit as much. We might just not admit it. We might just not say it. Yeah. Well, and I think that when people tell us, tell us a problem or, you know, just kind of vent about something that the unspoken phrase at the end is, what do you think? They may not say it, but that,, but that why would they tell us all this if they didn't know what I thought? And so let me tell you what I thought. And maybe that's not really what they want. Sure. At least not right off the bat. So, you know, when I identified

something I call the four step validation method, then it's basically a reverse engineered way of some of the best conversations that I've seen over thousands on how to best help somebody feel heard and understood. And then what's critical is that it's a process here, because I'm not saying you can't ever offer advice. I'm not saying you can't ever help somebody feel better by offering a solution. All I'm suggesting is that's better to come after first offering validation. And so if somebody comes to you and they're complaining about something, sure, they probably want help fixing it. That doesn't mean they want that first. And so if you first empathize with them and go,

oh, gee, that's tough, right? He really did that. I can't even believe that. Right. And you let them respond. That shows first a tremendous amount of respect for the other person because you're not saying i know how to fix this and you don't right so first you validate and then i'm a big proponent of asking permission to give advice so that might look like saying you know i have a few thoughts on the topic do you mind if i share you know or maybe simply saying well what would you like from me? And then that gives the other person the power to ask for your opinion, to ask for your advice. And then when they do that, they're far more open to that advice and they're far more willing to actually implement whatever

it is you're suggesting. Yeah, well, that makes sense. But I mean, there are also times where, you know, if my wife comes to me and says, I can't get the top off the peanut butter jar, I'm not going to validate her. I'm just going to take the top off the peanut butter jar. Sure. Yeah. And I'm happy you point that out because this certainly isn't a one size fits all. You can never jump to advice. I find where it's most beneficial is when it's more of an emotionally charged situation.

Positive or excuse me, negative or positive. You know, when somebody is explaining or sharing something very exciting to us, they of course don't want us to just say, cool. They want us to feel excited and energized. And that's validating as well. So validation really is just showing the other person that they're allowed to feel whatever they're feeling and that that makes sense to us. What about in, especially, I think this happens in relationships where maybe one partner complains a lot and they're always,

they're always unloading about some other thing and what's wrong now? And does this mitigate that or not? It can. And this is a question I get fairly often because it's very situation dependent, right? There are many situations that I've seen where the partner continuously complains because they're not getting any validation. You know, their partner shoots them down, says, don't feel that way, basically, right? And they're starved for it. And so they continue to seek for it. And so in those instances, if that's the situation, validation can absolutely help. Now, there are other situations where you may be the most validating human on planet Earth earth and they just keep coming to you because they want that and they're lapping it up and you are feeling drained

you know beyond all get out in those situations is where boundaries are critical right and having candid communication with that person and so if they're constantly complaining to you you might say hey listen i want to help you i really do and i And I love you. I care about you. And this is starting to feel draining for me. I'm having a hard time knowing how to help you because I feel like every time we talk, you're just complaining. Do you have any thoughts on how we might address that? Which is easy to say between you and me right now, but in the moment, that's a difficult conversation to keep the lid on. It really is, especially with a significant other, right? Your spouse or a family member.

And yet at the end of the day, while most of us want to avoid those conversations, the issue likely won't go away without having something like that. And so I personally am a big fan of therapy, seeing a good therapist, or at very least finding a good friend, somebody that you can confide in, who's emotionally healthy, that can help you practice, you know, bounce ideas off of how to have those difficult conversations. We're talking about the importance of validation, and my guest is Michael Sorensen. His book is called I Hear You, The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships. secrets of the divine plagues and uncover the blasphemous truth that ours is not a loving God and we are not its favored children. The Heresies of Randolph Bantwine, wherever podcasts are available. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know,

you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only prevents

pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back, and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Michael, I wonder if, or I suspect if sometimes, especially with couples, if there's a problem that they're both involved in,

it's very easy to just bitch about it to each other because it isn't one objective observer and one person with a problem. It's two people with the same problem just kind of stirring the pot over and over and over again. Well, and to that again, I would say having an outside party can be quite helpful there because I absolutely do see that. They feed off each other and they just go down and down deeper and deeper and that's that's no spot to live in you know and so you know if somebody's in a situation like that hopefully they are starting to feel like gee this isn't very fun maybe there's maybe there's a happier way to live life and that's where there's tremendous value in in working to surround yourself with emotionally healthy people people who validate you, who will listen to you when you need to be heard, and who also aren't afraid to call you out when

you need to be called out. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the two work better hand in hand. When you feel heard and understood, you feel safe and you can confide in these people. And then that allows them to speak candidly back and give you feedback that you might otherwise be closed off to. If you're not the validating type, if you haven't been doing this a lot in your life, you sound like you're a good validating kind of guy. Thank you, I try. But I think a lot of people aren't used to doing this, that their reaction to events and problems and conversations is to not do this. And so what's the process if there is one to stop and say, before I say, oh, that's a shame, you know, how do I get my head into the validating mindset?

I see it as twofold. First, you really have to understand the why behind it. And speaking frankly, the benefit to you and the other person of validating. And so this isn't something that you're just doing just to help the other person. Certainly you are, you have to care about the other person. But when you learn how to validate, when you learn how to hold off on advice for just a moment and validate first, it makes a tremendous difference in your business negotiations. I know people who've literally saved negotiations that were six-figure deals that were about to be lost simply because they stepped in and validated the other party first before negotiating. It helps people be more open to your feedback and your advice. It helps

you deepen your relationships. I get email after email, letter after letter of people who say, literally, this saved my marriage of 5, 10, 20, 50 years. Something this simple. So first, obviously, you have to understand the benefit that can come. But then once you understand that, really, it's simple to start. For people who are struggling, I say just try to not give feedback or advice right away. Just pause. Try one validating statement before you jump into advice because it makes a huge difference. Is it advice that's the big problem or is it, it would seem that an even bigger problem is being dismissive or minimize or that kind of thing would be even worse than offering advice. Or I don't know, you tell me. Oh yeah, you're absolutely right.

I like to hone in on advice as sort of a shortcut, if you will. You know, somebody saying, well, what's the quickest way? Because most of us default to giving advice. But you're absolutely right. The most damaging aspect is the dismissing of an emotion. And that's what jumping into advice does right away. We just might not see that. Right. So if somebody comes to me and says, I'm so frustrated with my boss at work, he never listens to me, I work my butt off, so on and so forth. And I say, well, you should just talk to him. Really, what I'm saying is, well, you should just talk to him. Really what I'm saying is, well, you shouldn't be that upset. This isn't that big of a deal. I don't know why you're upset

about this, right? And that is dismissing the emotion. So you're spot on, Mike, that at the end of the day, most of these statements, these invalidating statements that we mean well, but we're just saying, don't cry, tough it out. Oh, he didn't mean to say that. But all of that encourages the other person to push their emotion inward. And good things don't happen when we repress our emotions, right? We have to let them out. And yet, we think we're doing someone a favor by trying to make it not look so bad. You know, like you said, oh, he didn't really mean that, or it's not that bad, or we think that helps, but you're saying just the opposite. Absolutely.

I'll share a brief experience that I had. My brother called me years ago while I was still writing my first book, and he shared something that I could relate to, and I thought I had the perfect solution in mind. But I was literally right in the middle of writing my book and I thought okay let's try just validating him just validating him first and see what happens and so we talked a little bit and I just said oh my gosh that sucks like especially because of this and this and this and oh I just hate that situation and you know I could hear the relief audible in his voice when he responded. And we talked back and forth a little bit. And then instead of giving the advice, which I could have given at that moment, but instead of that, I just asked a question. I said, so what are you going to

do about it? And he related back to me the exact advice that I was about to give him. He already knew how to handle it. That wasn't really why he was calling me. What he was calling me for was that validation. And so that just cemented in my mind that idea that it's not always the case, but quite often people already know how to fix their issues. That's not what they're asking for help for. What they're asking for help for is calming down, feeling heard, not feeling crazy for being upset over something. And then they can typically figure it out. Or they're now more open to you helping them.

Yeah, that sounds right. I mean, when you put yourself in the situation of your brother, that, yeah, that's kind of what I would want. I just, I don't necessarily need your advice. You may not even know enough to offer the advice. And I probably know what to do. I just, I just feel so lonely sitting here feeling all beat up. Right. And it's tremendously respectful. You know, that's the other thing that I hope the listeners take away from this is this isn't

manipulation. This isn't trying to just placate someone. This is showing respect for another human being. You know, adults need that. Children need that. I'm consistently shocked at how well validation works to help, you know, wild children who are just sobbing and screaming because their mom left or their, you know, their dad left. Typically, we want to say, oh, it's fine. She'll be back in an hour. Don't worry about it. And the kid just wails even louder, right? But when you can say, oh, gee, it sucks when mom leaves, doesn't it? Yeah, you know, she's so good at cuddling, whatever it is, right? But I've heard multiple stories from parents sharing the same thing where instead of trying to get

their kids to quiet down by saying, stop, stop screaming, it's going to be okay. When they just validate them and say, yeah, this is hard or this is scary. It is. The kids learn that they're okay and they're able to recover and learn to manage their own emotions just as well. home that this is particularly important because it's so easy to just, you know, write people off or blow up at them or do exactly anything but what you're talking about. Yes, absolutely. It gets harder, right? As we're home more and more and with these people all the time, certainly tensions rise and patience diminishes. What's surprising, I guess, is that it's really, it's not difficult. It's fairly simple, straightforward. It's a matter of remembering to do it when the time comes. You know, and to anybody who might be skeptical,

I say try it. I think you might be surprised because it's a small, simple tweak, but it has a profound impact on your conversations. And most of the time what I hear from people is they write it and they say, well, I just tried it and it worked. You know, my partner actually said, I don't know what you're doing, but I appreciate it. I can tell that you're working on it. Or, gee, that was the best conversation we've ever had. And it was over text. You know, it's just taking that extra moment to pause, empathize with the other person. I do want to say I'm not suggesting that you have to even agree with them. You know, that's one other question that I get quite often is people say, well, I don't want to validate somebody if I don't agree with them. And the amazing thing is

you don't have to, because you're not saying you're right. All you're saying is I can see how you feel that way. And for sake of time, I won't get into the details, but I use this daily at work. I'm a manager of roughly 30 people. And I've had many instances where people come to me livid with a decision that I made that they disagree with. And I listened to them and they explain why and I validate from their perspective, I can appreciate why they're so upset. Just turns out they didn't have the whole picture. So after I validated them, after I heard them, I said, Now, may I share my side of the story? And they said, Yeah, and we talked. And by the end, they're saying, okay, that makes sense. Thank you. I appreciate it. So you can validate somebody,

even if you don't agree with them. In fact, it helps you in that conversation to do so. Does it work, do you think, with more than one person at a time? Or is this a very one-on-one kind of skill? Oh, that's a new question. And it works in any setting. In fact, group settings, when people are all validating, it's just validation on steroids, right? So if you imagine, you know, a situation where you're talking with a group of friends and you explain something that happened, again, we'll say at the office and everybody just goes, gets livid and, oh my my gosh i can't believe that well that's very validating right there you just got it from 10 people instead of one person and so it

absolutely can work in group settings as well the key here is simple empathy it's just making sure that you understand the emotion that the other person's feeling and that you express some form of justification or understanding as to why they're feeling that way. Well, it almost seems like you kind of wonder how you filled the whole book up because it doesn't seem like it's that hard. I mean, you have your four-step process there, but it seems like such a simple fix to a very pervasive problem. You're absolutely right, Mike. It's a very simple skill. It's simply getting out there and trying it and seeing what works for you.

Well, I like this because, you know, it feels right. I think anybody who's been on the receiving end of being validated knows that it feels good and helps facilitate any conversation. And yet we don't talk about validation as much as we talk about listening. But clearly, it's more than that. Michael Sorensen has been my guest. His podcast is called I Hear You, and so is his book. And there is a link to both of them in the show notes.

Thanks, Michael. Thank you, Mike. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice.

Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our Lister poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. GZM Shows and the creators of of six minutes are rolling out their newest audio adventure with the podcast, discovering dad,

a cautious single dad with a secret past and his rebellious kids embark on a thrilling quest, complete with hidden treasure villains and a family curse. New episodes of discovering dad roll out weekly, starting June 11th on Apple podcasts, follow the show. So you never miss an episode or listen early and ad-free as a GZM Show subscriber. Go to gzmshows.com to learn more. When I say the term mental toughness, what does that mean to you? I've always thought of mental

toughness as something elite athletes have or elite military people have, that they can tough their way through anything. Well, it turns out mental toughness can serve all of us. In fact, it can be a huge asset to you and me. Here to talk about how we can all mentally toughen up is Jason Selk. Jason was director of mental training for the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team. He's director of sports psychology for an organization called Enhanced Performance, and he is author of the book Organized Tomorrow Today. Hey, Jason, welcome.

Mike, thanks so much for having me. So dive in here and explain what mental toughness is and how it works. I think it's important to understand just from a neuroscience standpoint, the way our brains are built, there's something called PCT, problem-centric thinking. And it's built into all of us. It doesn't matter who you are. We're all biologically wired to focus on problems. Now, the issue with that is whatever we focus on, we will expand. Again, let me give you an example of PCT. You might do in your job a hundred things right, one thing less than perfect. When you're driving home from work,

I can pretty much guess where your mind wants to go. And again, that's very normal. I'll give you another example of PCT. The most valuable resource known to our species, oxygen. Without it, we die the fastest. But when is the last time you or any of the listeners have thought to themselves, wow, life is great. I have an abundance of the most valuable resource known to my species. I don't even have to work very hard to get it. And again, it's completely abnormal to think that way. Instead, what most people think is, I don't have enough money. I don't have enough love. I don't have enough respect. I don't have enough you fill in the blank. Okay, so again, we're biologically wired to not be mentally tough. Well, wait a minute. How is it being mentally tough to, rather than focus on problems, focus on how great everything

is? That doesn't seem to be mental toughness. That seems to be very Pollyannish of, you know, to sit around and talk about how much oxygen we have at the expense of looking at problems that we have. I don't see how that makes you mentally tough. So why would we want to do that? Well, if you look at the science on this, see, to me, mental toughness really boils down to thought control. You know, again, human beings are made up of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And what we know is the thoughts are essentially the quarterback, if you will, for the entire organism. The thoughts control the way we feel and the way we behave. And if we can gain that thought control, i.e. the mental toughness, then we can control for the entire success of the

organism, i.e. we can control our actions more efficiently and our feelings more efficiently. And we create a positive cycle that when we're more in control of our feelings and actions we then become more in control of our thoughts and it becomes this positive cycle of improved not only performance but also health and happiness it sounds like what you're saying is very often our our thoughts are like our worst enemy because we just let them go wherever they go and and it's usually to the negative. It's usually to what we don't have. It's usually what we did wrong. And you're suggesting we don't have to do that. That's exactly right. And not only am I suggesting it, but science would prove it. And if you look at what's going on right now in our situation with the coronavirus

and the markets dropping the market's dropping, it's a perfect example that, you know, fear is begetting more fear. And so how do we do it? What's the process? The first place I start with any individual, doesn't matter if you're a professional athlete, a CEO, it doesn't matter. If somebody comes to me and say, I want to work on my mental toughness, the first place we start is learning to recognize your done wells. And I wrote this in my first book, 10 Minute Toughness, and maybe the best thing I ever wrote, to be honest with you. I said, when an individual learns to recognize what they've done well, progress accelerates.

OK, and the reason being, it really boils down to self-confidence. See, self-confidence, Mike, is the single most important variable for all human performance. And again, if you think about how the brain works, and if we allow ourselves to focus on what's going wrong in our lives or our imperfections, that's me basically just beating the heck out of my self-confidence. And if my self-confidence is low, it's going to make it difficult for me to perform at or above my potential. So what I want to do is I want to just very initially start to turn the tables on that. And we can retrain so that, you know, like I said earlier, instead of when you get in your

car after a day of doing mostly good things, letting your mind focus on that one negative or imperfection, you get in the car and you say, hold on a second, before I focus on what do I need to improve, I'm going to first just take a second, 30 seconds and focus on what I've done well. So the habit that I really start people with is take 30 seconds on a daily basis and write down on paper three things you've done well. Now, I want to be careful here because if you're a true perfectionist, most people are going to say, well, I didn't do anything well enough to write it down or recognize it as a done well. You know, and my message to that is you don't have to cure cancer for that to qualify as a Dunwell. I know I had a great opportunity to spend some time with the great coach, John Wooden.

We were actually at his condo in California watching March Madness, just he and I sitting together. And I didn't ask him anything. It wasn't solicited. He looked over at me and he said something. It really kind of took my breath away. He said, you know, I've found with people, oftentimes it's the little things done well that creates excellence. Okay. And that's the point I want people to realize when it comes to recognizing your own done well. So here's how I would want you to define a done well. Anything that promotes personal or professional health, anything counts as a done well. Anything that promotes personal or professional health, anything

counts as a done well if it promotes personal or professional health. So, for example, I drank one cup of coffee this morning instead of two. I called my wife. She didn't answer, but I called and left her a message. You know, again, anything that promotes personal or professional health, even by an inch, counts. And so that would be the first place I would start. I would want somebody to just form the habit. If you could do it three days a week, that'd be a heck of a good start. Just three days a week minimum. If you want to speed up the process, maybe try to go for four or five, six days a week, but just on a pad of paper, write down three things you've done well. And what do you expect to get from that and when? Okay, so that's a really, really important question. Because sometimes people say to me,

okay, I'm writing my done wells down, and I don't feel any better. All right, let me manage expectations. It's a little bit like putting coins in a piggy bank. You don't necessarily feel all that good when you're putting the coins in the piggy bank, but it's in those times where you really need some money, you crack the thing open, and those individual coins have turned into $100, maybe $200, $300. That's when it feels really good. It's the same thing here that don't expect you're going to feel any different by recognizing those done well. So remember, Mike, what we're doing here is we're training the brain. We're actually, we're moving into neuroplasticity and cognitive neuroscience. We're training the brain that instead of focusing on what you've done poorly or your mistakes, you're just literally creating a neural pattern of, I think about what I've done well.

And if we can do that, what happens is you're going to start to create this really positive cycle of improving self-confidence. And the days you're going to see it most are those tough days. It seems, though, that we live in a culture where the focus is on mistakes. You learn from your mistakes. That's a common phrase. You learn from your mistakes, that you learn what you did from what you did wrong. You're right in terms of learning from mistakes. But again, we want to change the perspective in which we look at the mistakes.

Instead of looking at the mistake, we want to look at what we can do to improve or correct the mistake. And so it's the second step of this mental training. Step one would be, what have I done well? Again, just recognize three things you've done well. And then the second thing is, what's the one thing I want to improve? And if we look at it through that lens, if we combine the what am I doing well with the what do I want to improve, that's what's called the performance mentality. And if we have that performance mentality, where again, we're talking about first what we've done well, secondly, what we want to improve instead of the normal perfectionist mentality, which is you totally overlook everything you're doing well, and then you beat yourself up for the imperfections what you're going to have is a tremendous difference

in self-confidence and again self-confidence is that number one variable for all human performance so if we can just retrain the brain remember this phrase neurons that fire together wire together so if you force yourself on a daily basis, just write down the answers to those two questions. What am I doing well? Three things. And what's the one thing I want to improve? You're going to create that neural patterning of thought. And sooner than later, that's how you'll start thinking instead of the normal way of thinking, which is, what have I screwed up on? So when you say write down what do you want to improve in your example of what of the your do-wells you you talked about little things like I called my wife

I don't know that I want to improve how I call my wife I mean I call my wife. No and so that's the thing I want you to be judicious about what you're looking to improve. So with the done-s, anything that promotes personal or professional health counts. When you're talking about what you want to improve, see, that's the easy part for most of us. And high performers, we really don't have any trouble with this. Okay. But even, you know, again, people who are just trying to climb that ladder, it's going to be pretty simple. If you force the thought to what's the one thing in the upcoming 24 hours I most want to improve. So really try to prioritize. Don't try to improve everything and don't worry about improving everything. Just find one thing,

Mike, that's important to you and focus on that one thing making the improvement. And so this mental training happens while you're actually doing the things you're, I mean, in other words, if you're a tennis player, you can't only just write things down. You've got to go play tennis too. Yeah, no, this would not happen during activity. What I find, and this is really what we call success log, answering these questions. And it's, there are really three questions. I'll give you the third one in a second, but I don't want you to do the success log, obviously during practice. You know, I was director of sports psychology for the St. Louis

Cardinals from 2006 through 2011. We won two world series. And what I asked the players to do every day before they went out to practice or compete, they did something called a mental workout. What they did after each practice or game was the success log. And we tried to do it within the 60 minutes after every practice and game. And the success log had three questions. We talked about two of them. First question was, in the last 24 hours, what are three things I've done well? Second question, what's the was, in the last 24 hours, what are three things I've done well? Second question, what's the one thing in the upcoming 24 hours I want to improve? And then the third question, what's one action step I can take to help make the improvement?

So you're really starting to identify, okay, I want to, let's say I'm a baseball player, I want to do a better job with my slider in tomorrow's game. The one action step might be, okay, tomorrow morning before the game starts, what I'm going to do is I'm going to get the catcher and I'm going to go through and I'm going to spend about five, six extra minutes getting that slider, the grip where I want it to be. So it's a very practical, effective, efficient way of not only wanting to improve, but forcing the improvement, strategically coming up with methods of improving every day. And so one of the things that really interests me about this is, so you could have, you could take, well, you did it with the baseball team. You have lots of people doing this, but still there are always those elite athletes.

So what is it that they have? What is it that elite people in any sport or anything have that even when they do this, they seem to rise a little higher than everybody else? When I was with the Cardinals, if you ask people, and remember, I was there 2006 through 2011, and I'd say, okay, who are the most talented players on the team? Everybody basically had the same two answers, and those two answers were Chris Carpenter and Albert Pujols. And then if I asked the question, okay, now who are the two hardest workers on the team? Guess what the answers were there, Mike? The same guys. You got it. The same exact two guys. What I've found now doing a lot of coaching in the business world is if you can

get your work ethic, and I don't mean just see if you can go out there and outwork everyone. That's not really what I've found works with the highest performers. It's let's identify what those most important activities are daily. Those are called process goals. If you can figure out what your two or three absolute most important, impactful activities are daily, and if you can just consistently get those two or three activities done daily, that work ethic right there will be enough to cause you to rise the ranks of success in the business world. And in the sports world, certainly having that benefit of great talent before you get started is helpful, but you're going to have to work for it as well. Nobody's good enough

at the highest level. When I start talking about division one college athletes and certainly the professional athletes, everybody at those levels are talented. You know, certainly there's some cream that rises to the top, but if you don't have work ethic, it won't matter. Sooner than later, what's going to happen is you're going to get beat by the guy who wants it more. See, that shatters, I think, a myth that a lot of people have that some people are just gifted and they don't have to work that hard. Yeah, and I would tell you that is absolutely a myth, especially at the higher levels of competition. You know, there have been a couple of really good books written on this. The Talent Code and Talent is Overrated. Those are two different books. And a lot of the

research in both books were the same. And it identified again, very much like what we're talking about here, that most of it comes down to having that growth mindset. It's another great book out there, Mindset by Carol Dweck. She studied under Martin Seligman. But the concept, again, is if in your mind you believe that you're talented enough that you don't have to work for it or change, it won't be long and you'll be sitting on the sidelines. You must realize it no matter how good you are. The key is to keep your mind open. I'm not a big believer in this obsession for improvement concept that people are thinking you got to improve everything all the way, all the time, every day. There's just no possible way to do that. And

that's where if you really just try to boil it down to one thing. And like I said earlier, if you're filling those success logs out, answering those three questions we talked about earlier, and I don't need you to do it six, seven days a week, do it three, four, five days a week, where three, four, five days a week, you're not only recognizing what you're doing well, but you're picking one thing you want to improve on. Mike, if you do that, what I tell you these days, it won't be long, and you're going to be putting yourself as one of the top performers. Well, some might say that, you know, asking those three questions, it's pretty simple. Well, let me say this.

As simple as I've maybe made it sound, this, just even answering those three questions daily, will be a heck of a lot harder than people are hearing it to be. And I can attest to it because I've been forcing myself, and that's the word, forcing myself to do it for probably 15, 20 years at this point. See, I used to be a complete underachiever. And I started learning this stuff as I was educating myself. And I said, okay, what are the most important things I'm learning? And this is one of the most important things I've learned is really getting your mind set for that performance mentality. You know, recognizing the done wells and then identifying the one thing to improve and as easy as it sounds. And it won't take you more than a minute, minute and a half to get through all three of those questions.

But you'll have to force yourself to do it. Yeah, and the result is mental toughness and more self-confidence. Jason Selk has been my guest. Jason was director of mental training for the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team. He is director of sports psychology for Enhanced Performance, Inc., and author of the book, Organized Tomorrow Today. You'll find a link to that book at Amazon in the show notes. Thanks, Jason.

Good being with you. You've heard a lot lately about the importance of washing your hands because when you wash your hands you wash away germs and bacteria. But it also seems that when you wash your hands you can also wash away

bad luck. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that people who wash their hands for a full minute after making a mistake or experiencing some bad luck significantly increased their success rates. While there's nothing magical about washing your hands, it does send a subconscious message to the brain that you're ready to start over. Those who tried it and had clean hands were more likely to take more chances, which increases their odds of good fortune. And that is something you should know. If you'd like to know how you can support this podcast, all I ask is that you just tell a friend. Tell a friend about it and let them listen. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. I myself have been married for 56 years.

Unfortunately to four different women. You can work out a whole lot of shit in the hours of Target. Every week on the Moth Podcast, we share stories that are funny, strange, heartbreaking, and above all, true. I refuse to settle for being the future when I can be right now. Listen along by searching The Moth wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Rob Benedict. And I am Richard Spate. We were both on a little show you might know called Supernatural.

It had a pretty good run, 15 seasons, 327 episodes. And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll of course have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers.

It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible. The note from Kripke was, he's great, we love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent Duchovny type. With 15 seasons to explore, it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes. So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now.