Something You Should Know - The Problem With Being Too Nice & Mastering Everyday Negotiations

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

You probably don’t think of the Internet as an actual place but it really is – sort of. All of our computers have to connect to each other somewhere – and there is a place where that happens. And that place has a particular smell to it. This episode begins with an explanation. Source: Andrew Blum author of the book Tubes (https://amzn.to/3pwX3Jq). It is hard to argue with nice. Being nice to other people in generally regarded as a good thing. But you can also be TOO nice – which can cause a lot of trouble. Aziz Gazapura used to be one of those people and he is now on a mission to help people stop being too nice. Listen as he reveals what the problem is, what it does to you and how to be nice – without being too nice. Aziz is the author of the book, Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself (https://amzn.to/3K6KqhA) It is often said that you can negotiate anything. Still, most of us are usually not willing to try and bargain on retail items – but perhaps we should. And here to explain how to do it is Emily Hunter. Emily is an associate professor of management at Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business, where she teaches negotiation and conflict management. https://business.baylor.edu/directory/?id=Emily_M_Hunter  Even though cars breakdown unexpectedly, the fact is that it happens it is likely because of one of just a couple of reasons. If you know what they are you may be able to prevent the breakdown or atleast know what to check for and how to fix it. Listen and I’ll explain.. www.roadsidesurvival.com PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! Go to https://CozyEarth.com/SOMETHING to SAVE 35% now!  All backed by a 100-Night Sleep Guarantee. Start hiring NOW with a $75 Sponsored Job Credit to upgrade your job post at https://Indeed.com/SOMETHING  Offer good for a limited time. Redeem your rewards for cash in any amount, at any time, with Discover Card! Learn more at https://Discover.com/RedeemRewards Go to Amazon and search for Conair Turbo Extreme to get your 2-in-1 steam and iron steamer today! So, if you think you’re okay to drive after a few drinks, think again. Play it safe and plan ahead to get a ride. Drive sober or get pulled over! Paid for by NHTSA Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Today on Something You Should Know, did you know the internet is an actual place? It is, and I'll give you the actual address. Then being nice is good, but being too nice is not. So how do you stop being too nice? That involves saying, hey, you know what? Other people and their needs and their desires matter, but so do mine. And I think the habitual nice person devalues their own needs, dismisses their own wants, and is very self-sacrificing. Also, when cars break down on the road, it's usually for one of just a very few reasons.

I'll tell you what they are. And if you know how, you can negotiate lower prices on almost anything, even in retail stores. These days the retail stores are often empowering their cashiers and even their floor sales people to negotiate. So don't be afraid to ask for a discount. All this today on Something You Should Know. Bumble knows it's hard to start conversations. Hey, no, too basic. Hi there. Still no. What about hello, handsome? Who knew you could give yourself the ick?

That's why Bumble is changing how you start conversations. You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hi, welcome to Something You Should Know.

When you think about all the time that you spend on the Internet through all your various devices, you probably still never think of the internet as a real place. It's virtual. But actually, the internet is a real place. Sort of. You see, in order for your computer to connect with all the other computers on the internet, there has to be an actual point of connection,

where wires from the network you're on physically connect to the wires from other networks. And there are actual buildings where this occurs. In fact, there are 12 buildings around the world where most of these network connections occur. 60 Hudson Street in Manhattan is one of those buildings. There's another one in Ashburn, Virginia near Dulles Airport. Andrew Blum researched all these buildings for his book

Tubes, and he says that when he entered these buildings, they all smelled exactly the same. He says it is best described as a cross between burnt toast and new car smell. And that smell is the smell of the Internet. And that is something you should know. If I were to say, think of someone who is too nice, you probably get a picture in your head of someone who is overly polite,

apologizes way too much, is always worried that they're going to offend someone, and maybe you're one of those people, or maybe you do some of those things. While being nice is fine, being too nice can cause some real problems. And being too nice is something a lot of people do. Dr. Azizazapura was one of those too nice people, and he made the commitment to change. He's now a leading expert on this topic, and he coaches people on how not to be so nice. And he's author of a book called Not Nice. Stop people pleasing, staying silent, and feeling guilty, and start speaking up, saying no, asking boldly, and unapologetically being yourself. Hi Aziz, welcome.

Hi Mike, thanks for having me. So let's define too nice, because nice is good, but too nice is maybe not so good. So where's the line? That is a really interesting question, because I think most of us learned growing up that nice is good and more nice is better. But as you are pointing out, a lot of us realize at some point in our lives that there is such a thing as too nice. And I think it's not so much you can't look at a specific behavior and say, oh, that's too nice. Because, hey, in a certain situation, a friend needs something, your spouse needs something, your kids need something. You step up and you give a ton.

So we can't look at the behavior and say, oh, that's too nice. What we got to look at is the inner state of the person, their emotional state and what they're doing and why they're doing it. And so if you are doing something because you were want to please the other person, because you're, uh, you can't handle it if they're upset with you because you need them to, to be okay, then that's probably going to be too nice. Yeah. And I think of things like, you know, if, if somebody steps on your foot by accident and then you apologize that maybe that's being too nice. Absolutely. And there's a lot of that, you know, you bump shoulders, um, two people start speaking up at the same time and you say, Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. And there's a lot of that. You bump shoulders. Two people start speaking up at the same time.

And you say, oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. And a lot of people that are overly nice have a habitual over apology approach to life. Where does that come from? I mean, well, it starts with a nice training, as I call it. Usually a childhood primary parent, grandparent is usually the primary whoever is our person who's bringing us up. And we get trained very early on to be nice. And that's what parents will say to their kids, be nice. And the parents are doing the best they can. They're trying to like, you know, contain the craziness. I get it. I have two kids myself. But what most of parents unconsciously are doing is saying, I want you to please me because you're easier to get along with.

You're not a ruffian. You're not crazy. You're just calm and do what I want and be obedient. And on some level as parents, we want that because it's easier. And the downside, though, is then they get older and our kids have problems with being assertive, being really susceptible to peer pressure, not knowing who they are, not knowing what they want. And so the short answer is it comes from our upbringing. Do you think that people who are too nice know it? Yes.

Okay. That's a great question. There's like glimmers of awareness. Am I too nice? No, no. Just keep doing what I'm doing. We see that it's not working. Like something breaks down. We get burnt out. We get, if we're honest with ourselves, we're resentful inside. Something is not working. But the idea of being not nice or less nice

is totally unacceptable. So we just double down, dig in and try to be nicer and so there's that glimmer of awareness and then we put it aside until we reach a breaking point and we say you know what this isn't working and sometimes that breaking point comes from a breakup or we need to break up and we've been in a relationship years too long or a health crisis because that stuff can take a toll on our health to be suppressing and being overly nice for many years. Something happens, or we just wake up one day and we're fed up, and we say, okay, now I get it. I'm being too nice. So there is a moment where people don't just get into the glimmers. They actually really get it, and then they're ready. Then they just got to learn and change the way that they approach life. Well, I think there is this perception, you know, people will sometimes say, well, I'd rather be nice than be a jerk, as if those are the only two options, that it's either or.

You're either too nice or if you're not too nice, you're a jerk. But it's not either or. It's a sliding scale. Absolutely right. And I think that's just it's too simplistic. And often the idea of like, well, if I'm not nice that I'm a jerk, right? That's kind of trying to push us back into being nice. And people often do this with themselves. They'll push themselves back into being too nice because to be other is scary. They think they're going to lose love, lose connection. But you're absolutely right. Think of it like a dial. And you want to turn the dial from all the way down on the nice side to just the middle. And that involves saying, hey, you know what? Other people and their needs and their desires matter, but so do mine. And I think the habitual nice person devalues their own needs, dismisses their own wants, and is very self-sacrificing.

And so we want to just turn it up into the healthy range of give and take and of being able to say, well, what do I need here? And then being able to ask for what we need, say no to people when we need to say no to them. And that puts us in a healthy medium range. Does all of this, do you think all of this have its core basis in, I care too much about what other people are going to think or say or do. Yes. And I would tweak it slightly. Um, because then we think the answer is to not care at all, right? I care too much. Well, I shouldn't care. I think it's that when we say we care too much, it's like we can't tolerate unpleasant feelings and others. It makes my skin crawl. I'm going to freak out if you're

upset with me or disappointed or want something that I can't give you or don't want to give you. So yes, the short answer is we care too much. And really like we're just too, we just can't tolerate it. And so our goal is to increase our capacity to handle the discomfort of someone being upset with us or being wanting something from us. Has anyone ever surveyed the population and figured out what percentage of the population either self-report as being too nice or meet some criteria as being too nice? You know, I haven't seen anything like that. I, that's a great question. I do not know. What's your sense though? What's your sense of the population is, is this a 5%

problem or a 50% problem? It's big, it's big. And I would say, I mean, you're looking at the realm of probably 50% because it's, uh, it's a dominant way of being. And most of those people aren't going to identify. The issue is they're not going to identify as too nice. They're not going to say, yeah, I'm too nice. But if you study their behavior and watch them, there's going to be a lot of what they're doing is coming from caring too much what others think,

pleasing others, shaping their life in a way so that no one could judge them. And that means holding back, not speaking up, not sharing what they're interested in, not pursuing their passion or what they want to create in their life. And yeah, maybe even more than 50% as I'm saying this. I'm speaking with Aziz Ghazapura. He's author of the book Not Nice. Stop people pleasing, staying Silent, and Feeling Guilty. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a founder of the Go Kid Go Network.

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Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So Aziz, if I'm one of those people, if I'm too nice, how do you stop being too nice? I mean, because again, the feeling is, well, if I'm not too nice, I'm going to be a jerk, and I can't be a jerk. So it's that either-or thing. So how do you back it off a little?

I love that question. And the opposite of nice is not a jerk. The opposite of nice is bold and authentic because niceness is really this like a persona, this shell of like, Hey, I'm not even here. Whatever you want, I'm here for you. And that's not, that's false. So it's really to be our bold, authentic self. And that helps people dispel the idea that they have to go somehow be a jerk or something. It's like, first, you have to kind of wake up from just that glimmer of like, hey, wait a minute. Being this way in the world is not working. It's not working for me. It's not working for my relationships. I want to be less nice. So that's the first step, kind of deciding that. The next step is to do the uncomfortable stuff. And it often is uncomfortable. That means having boundaries, saying no. When someone's like, hey, can you do this for me? And maybe you used to always do it for them, but then you resented them. Well, you say hey you have a difficult conversation like I asked

you to do this and you didn't and now I'm upset with you or whatever it is so you go do those uncomfortable things that's the second step and then the third step is you work through the inner discomfort because it stirs up it can stir up guilt or anxiety like, Oh, was I, was I too mean there? Was I too harsh? Am I, am I a bad person? And we work through that. We, we calm down. We see like, Hey, you know what, this is how I want to be in the world. It's okay for me to have needs or be assertive. And then we just repeat that process. And it's like a reconditioning it. We have to do it again and again. It's not a one-time thing. I remember hearing someone talk about this once, and it rang true for me that, you know, when we say no to people, we think we've devastated them.

But, you know, we've just, we've let them down. We've so disappointed them. When actually, they just cross you off the list and go to the next person to see if they'll do it because you can't. But we in our own mind tend to think our no is much more devastating than it is. That would destroy them if I pointed out something that they did that wasn't, you know, up to my standards or whatever. The truth is that, yeah, people aren't that fragile. They don't collapse in that way. And the only way to really see that is to test it and to prove to ourselves again and again. And I can't tell you how many times I had it all built up in my head how terrible it was going to be if I said this or did that. And then I go do it and the person doesn't even bat an eye. It's not like they break down and we have to rebuild them back up. They're just like, oh, okay. And then we move on. And I'm like, wow, that's what I've been avoiding for

a decade. Right, right. And it was no big deal that the world still turns when you say no, and that's okay. Yeah. And, and the big, the, what makes it this big deal is rarely the other person's reaction. It's the, all that dust and that sediment that gets kicked up in our head afterwards and all those stories. Oh my gosh, that was so terrible. And you know, that's where it comes back to our childhood training, our upbringing, because we're, we're reliving all this stuff from when we were growing up. And so it's not the actual present day that we're feeling all this stuff about. That person's fine. They're an adult. They're just, as you said, they crossed you off the list, move on to the next one.

It's all of our old past stuff. And so that's where we need to do that inner work and have ways to calm ourselves and see more truthfully that it's okay for us to ask for what we want. And deep down, the biggest fear we have about all of this, Mike, is that we're going to lose connection. That person's going to hate me. I'm going to lose my relationship. I'm going to get dumped. My friends are going to leave me. My boss is going to fire me. And what we need to test out and prove to ourselves is that my attachments are more secure than that. They're different now than when I was a kid. And I can be me. It's safe to be authentically me in the world.

There does seem to be some cultural element to this. I think of many Asian people as being too nice compared to more typical American behavior, that the Asian cultures tend to foster that. Sure. It gets really interesting. Yes, they're in Malcolm Gladwell's book. I believe it was outliers. He talks about different cultures have a scale of like how much deference they show to authority. And it was Korea and other, I think it was Korea, South Korea had the highest ratio of like we should, and they showed the most deference. And it was so extreme that they had an issue because there was a plane crash and the pilot was doing something wrong. And the co-pilot and the other person in the plane, the cockpit did not speak up in a direct manner to that person. And they all crashed and everyone

on the plane died. And it was like, it was so extreme. And so they had this, you know, crack team to get in there and try to figure out how to train these Korean pilots and co-pilots to be able to communicate with the person in authority. So that could be textbook too nice, right? I mean, to a detrimental degree. What's the advice if you have some of somebody who, you know, really has trouble saying no, what's a good way to say no and, and understanding that it may cause you to be uncomfortable, but, but at least maybe make it a little easier. I love that question. Saying no is you got to think of it like a, I don't know, a golf swing or a tennis serve. You get better at it, the more you do it. And so you can get some basic tips, which I'll give you

here. But then, you know, if you try to get your golf swing perfect on the first time, it's going to be a little messy. It's not going to be great, but you do it enough and eventually it looks more smooth. So same thing with saying no, you do it more often, you'll get smoother. But a simple tip is first and foremost, before you open your mouth in your mind, remember and reinforce in yourself, I have permission to say no. It's healthy to say no. Like all that stuff you're talking about, feeling like we're going to devastate people. We got to do a little inner work ahead of time. Because if we think, if I think I'm going to like crush you and you're

going to hate me, it's going to be pretty hard to say no. So we got to get some of our beliefs and more accurate and say, you know what? People are adults. They can take care of themselves. I have a right to say no. And that might be as simple as like, you know, putting that on the background of your phone or on a post-it note. I have a right to say no. And that inner step is actually extremely important. So you can, so the words can actually come out of your mouth. Then when you're actually communicating the no, say no, be short. You don't need to like justify your no with a long story, a very apologetic story. In fact, you don't even really want to apologize. Now, if you want to convey some like, oh, bummer, you can say something like that, or you can say, oh, unfortunately. So for example, you might say,

someone's like, oh, come to this thing on Saturday. No, I'm not gonna make it on Saturday. Unfortunately, I'm doing something else. But that sounds like a lot of fun. And hope you guys have a good time. One of the reasons I think people don't speak up and ask for what they want and say what they're really thinking is it. Yeah, it may be because they don't want to devastate the other person. But it's also they just don't want to cause trouble. They don't want to make waves. They don't want to start an argument. So they shut up. Yes. I have a chapter in the book called Please Don't Be Mad at Me.

And it's that conflict avoidance. That's part of the niceness syndrome. Oh, too nice syndrome. And sometimes people hear conflict and they think like throwing chairs and yelling. I just mean disagreement, tension, friction. And what we need to learn is that healthy human relations of any sort, professional, business, romantic, friendship, have friction in them.

If your long-going relationship with someone is frictionless, one of those two people is withholding a lot, is hiding a lot. Because two humans cannot want the same thing always to the same degree at the same times. I mean, it just doesn't work that way. And so people are going to get disappointed. There's going to be a little friction. And we want to shift from that's a bad thing that I better avoid to, oh, this is a good thing. And look, I've been doing this for years. It's never comfortable. It's not fun, but it's like, oh, I've learned to be like, oh, I'm feeling upset right now. Okay. Let me see what's going on. All right. That's the person. Yeah. We

had that interaction. Yep. This is what I, okay. All right. I need to have this conversation and going into it, there's a little bit of dread, like, oh boy. But I know it's like medicine. This is going to clear the air. This is going to make us closer. This is going to help us confront the issue and solve the problem. And it does seem a lot of the time that what we dread never happens. It's never as bad as we think it's going to be. Or, well, almost never.

Yes. And the key thing is that no matter how it is, bad or good or easy or hard, we can handle it. And that is like the root of confidence is knowing I can handle whatever happens. And I think not only that, but when people do stand up for themselves and show that confidence that you're talking about, I think that makes them more attractive to other people. You want to be with someone who's comfortable being them. My guest has been Dr. Aziz Ghazapura, and his book is called Not Nice. Stop People-Pleasing, Staying Silent, and Feeling Guilty,

and there is a link to his book in the show notes. Thanks, Aziz. Yeah, absolutely. That was fun. Thanks so much, Mike. People who listen to Something You Should Know the show notes. Thanks, Aziz. Yeah, absolutely. That was fun. Thanks so much, Mike. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So, I want

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So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. I remember hearing a long time ago that you can negotiate anything, that we pay retail price for a lot of things we could get cheaper if we just asked. And while I understand that's true when it comes to cars and boats and houses, I'm not the kind of guy that's likely to ask for a discount on a bag of potatoes at the grocery store

or even on a pair of pants at the grocery store or even on a pair of pants at the department store. But maybe I should. Maybe we should be asking for discounts a lot more often when we go retail shopping. Why? Because fewer and fewer people are going retail shopping in brick-and-mortar stores, so those stores are motivated to move merchandise by matching prices, making concessions, and making it easier for you to buy. That's according to my guest, Emily Hunter. Emily is an associate professor of management at Baylor University School of Business, where she teaches negotiation and conflict management, among other things. Hi, Emily. Thanks for being here. Thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to talk about negotiating.

So this idea of walking into a store and negotiating the retail price on something, I think makes a lot of people uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable. I've tried it a few times, and I'll admit they were pretty half-hearted attempts at it because it just doesn't feel right to me. And usually the response is, no, we don't do that here. We don't negotiate. Well, first I'll say you're not alone. Most people are very reluctant to negotiate. It's not a skill that I think most people would consider themselves good at. But I think there is so much more opportunity now to negotiate,

especially in retail and big box stores, because the retail landscape is changing. As we all know, there's so much more online competition. And so the big box stores are desperate for you to buy. If you're in their store, if you're walking in there, they want you to make a purchase. And so they are highly motivated to work with you. And sometimes that means coming down on their price. Is it safe to say that the higher the price, the better the chances?

You know, that's not always true, because I think you could even negotiate a bell pepper at a grocery store that has a bruise on it? I mean, really, it's any possible range of item that you can think of is possibly negotiable if you just remember a few, you know, kind of reminders and tips. Well, that's a good place to dive in because people hear that you could negotiate the price of a bell pepper with a bruise. Well, come on, really. I mean, who's going to do that? And you think, well, the people that you're asking are going to think you're such a dweeb for asking for a few cents off a bell pepper. Just buy the bell pepper. Or don't. Or buy another one. Exactly. And this is why I don't often negotiate food at a grocery store because the savings are so nominal. But what I keep in mind and what I teach my students is that every opportunity at a retail store is an opportunity for you to practice your skills. It's a little bit like a game. And if you think about negotiating as a game and that every time you engage in that game that you're practicing and improving your own skills, then I think it's easier for you to justify why you might negotiate the bell pepper.

So let's go through some of the tactics and the strategies that you recommend to help people negotiate better and I'll let you lead the way. So first, when you find an item that you want to negotiate, and it's often easier to find something that there's a reason why it might be more negotiable. So for example, finding some sort of defect, like I said, the bruise on the vegetable, something that's wrong with it, even a very minor defect. I mean, even being mislabeled on the shelf. Those are all really good reasons to try to ask for a lower price, even if it's a stain on a shirt that you know that you might be able to wash out. So once you find an item, though, you really have to kind of think on your feet once you find the defect or whatever it is that's prompting you to negotiate this item.

How do you do that? There's a few things that you can do to prepare yourself very quickly right there in the middle of that store. So I would encourage you to think about three things to prepare. The first is to set a goal for yourself. Research finds that it's really important to have a goal in mind when you're going into a negotiation. And that goal should be a really strong goal. So if you're the customer, then you should think about a really

strong high discount from that shirt. Maybe the shirt's originally $20. Why don't you ask for 50% off? Because you never really know how desperate they might be willing to get rid of that item. So don't sell yourself short. Don't assume, oh, I'm probably only going to get 10% off. And so then you ask for 10% and set a high goal and ask for 50, even ask for 75% off just to start the conversation. The second thing to prepare is sort of the opposite of a goal. So what is the most you're willing to pay for that item or your red line price? So if you're willing to pay the original price, the sticker price, then that's okay.

But maybe you're not willing to pay that for a damaged item. So think about what is the most you're willing to pay. And then third, consider what is your best alternative to buy an item like this. So if you fail, if they reject you and they say, nope, we can't give you a discount, then what will you do next? What's your backup plan? And that might often be doing a little research and finding a similar item online or a similar item in another store.

So three quick things you can do to prepare in the moment. Does that make sense? Yeah, and it brings up a point of, okay, so now it's time to go talk, and I bet it really matters who you talk to. Definitely does matter. And so sometimes this is kind of a trial and error process, but it is best to find a person to talk to at the store

that probably has a little more authority. That might be in a manager, but these days the retail stores are often empowering and training their cashiers and even their floor salespeople to negotiate. So don't be afraid to ask the person on the floor or to ask the cashier for a discount because a lot of times they're empowered to go ahead and give you one right there. Now, sometimes they have a limit of what they can offer. Maybe they can only offer 15% for a damaged item. And that might be good enough for you. But if you want more than that, then you might need to go to a manager. And you have to keep in mind that this process happens all day long for them. Those

cashiers, they are constantly having people come up and ask for discounts. You may not feel like that. You may, because you don't ever negotiate, you may feel like, oh, they're going to think I'm such a terrible person or I'm so greedy or I'm so annoying because I'm asking. But keep in mind that they have people ask them for discounts all day long. So it's a very normal thing for them. And they'll just refer you to a manager if they can't deal with it themselves. And the managers definitely deal with this all the time. And whenever you speak with someone who has the authority and who's willing to talk with

you about it, they are likely to offer you a minor discount. But I encourage you to keep pushing for more. So if the item is damaged, touch the damage, like really point out what is wrong with that item and then ask for a specific price. So what people tend to do that's I think a mistake is people, they want to play it safe and they want to say, oh, is there something more you can do for me? Or is this negotiable? Right, right. That's kind of open ended questions, right? Because that's really safe and that's really easy to ask that. But the problem is it's so much easier to say no to an open ended question like that. Instead, when you're negotiating

retail, give a very specific price counter offer. Don't be afraid to make a really strong discount request because the worst they can say, the worst that can happen is they can say no. So Emily, let's role play here. Okay. I'll be the clerk and you be the customer that just found the shirt with the stain on it. And you're going to come up to me and ask me for a discount. So how does that conversation go? Great. So I would say, hi, how are you doing today? I'd be really nice and kind of polite.

You know, I have this shirt, and I really love this style, and it's a shirt that I want to buy, but I found this stain right here on the sleeve, and I'm not really sure if that's going to be able to come out in the wash. And so, you know, I'm wondering if I could get 50% off because of this stain and I'm pointing to it and I'm showing you and I'm touching it. What? Get out of my store. Very unlikely that you say that to me, because I'm a customer and you're trying to make me happy. What would you say you think more reasonably? That's asking a lot, but maybe we

could do something like 25%. That's really great. I really appreciate you working with me. That's really kind of you to offer. But this stain, I think, is worth a bit more than a 25% discount because I don't think it's going to come out. And I think it's a little bit unsightly. And you're probably going to have a hard time selling it to anyone else, to be honest. So for, because of this stain, I would love to consider a 50% discount. Um, but do I need to talk to a manager about that? Oh yeah. You need to talk to a manager because I don't want to talk to you anymore. That's right. They're going to refer you, but, but be nice and polite. Right. And so don't be too annoying and they may keep talking with you, but they may not be authorized. So they

may have to refer you to a manager. And guess what? Managers are authorized to give you steep discounts. So you can often get more out of a manager. Because what's their motive? What happens if that, I mean, it obviously depends on what it is and where it is and everything else, but typically what's going to happen to that shirt if you don't buy it and nobody else buys it? Is that a hassle for the store or probably not a big hassle, but they lose the sale? Exactly. It's really helpful to put yourself in the shoes of the people that work in the store or the people that own this store and think about what do they want. I mean, certainly they want a sale. They want profit from you. They also want to make you

happy. So it's helpful to use persuasive tactics, persuasion to remind them of what's important to them. So the way that I was sort of saying, maybe no one else is going to buy this shirt, you know, I'll take it off your hands is one way to think about it. But I could also help them buy something else. Like I'm willing to buy three other full price shirts if you'll give me a 50% discount on this one shirt. Okay, but what if there's nothing wrong and there isn't a shirt up there, there isn't a cabinet with a defect. It's just that you'd like a better price or you'd like to test the waters and see if there's a better price. And there's nothing to discuss about the product. It's just you think it's high. So maybe you could get it for less.

You know, one way to do that is to compare it to an alternative somewhere else where you could buy the same product for less. And people do this all the time, right? It's the price matching policies that most stores have. So if you can find it cheaper online and you can show the clerk or the manager that price online, they'll often match prices. This is the way that they're trying to stay competitive. But I would encourage you to ask for an additional 10% beyond the price match if you buy it today, right now. Oftentimes I'll look online and the price online is the same as the price in the store and it's the same everywhere. And there's really no, there's nowhere to dig in.

It's just, I mean, I guess it still can't hurt to ask, but you don't have much evidence to support your position if everybody's selling it for the same price, including this guy. That's right. So it kind of depends. If it's a really high dollar item, like a TV, a full price, high end TV, or especially any sort of furniture, a lot of times those items are marked up. And so they will still bargain with you, even though there's nothing wrong with it. So you can, especially on furniture, have a lot of wiggle

room to negotiate a lower price, even without finding any sort of defects. But again, you're not going to be 100% successful, right? I don't think every item is negotiable. But I think that there are some circumstances where you can push yourself to try to negotiate when you normally wouldn't have thought about that or wouldn't have had the courage to try. I think probably the most interesting thing to me that you've said, because I've never thought of this, is that those clerks in those stores, when you're feeling all sheepish about going to ask for that discount, people have been doing that to them all day long. And I never think of that. I think I'm the one that's making a fool of myself, asking for 20 find you slightly annoying because it's taking longer to interact with you than

their normal interaction, but they are not going to think that you're a jerk. And you said that, you know, that practicing these skills can help you say in a job interview, but it doesn't necessarily seem to me as if those, it's directly transferable because it's such a different kind of negotiation but Yeah, but you're gonna tell me I'm wrong. So go ahead No, I do want to point out that it is a very different negotiation anytime that you are Working with someone that you have a relationship with or you're trying to foster a relationship You actually use somewhat very different skills to negotiate

those kind of interactions. So I could talk all day about salary negotiations, but those negotiations, you're going to really work to build that relationship with your future boss or your future employer. But ultimately, it still requires the same level of confidence that you can negotiate. And so many people, especially we know women, are not negotiating their job offers. And this can maybe partially explain the gender wage gap, right? There's a lot of research on that. And so I really want to empower women especially to negotiate their job offer every time. And so we can build our confidence up in these smaller interactions so that we're ready for the job offers. I remember talking with someone, perhaps an interview,

I think on this podcast, of somebody who was an expert in salary negotiations who said that there was some research, because people's fear is that if you look too greedy, they're going to say, well, then forget it, we'll hire somebody else. They couldn't find any incidents of that ever happening, that asking for more money. Yes, I completely agree. I have worked with a lot of HR professionals and managers who extend job offers. We bring these people into our career fairs here at Baylor University. And so I will often talk to those people at the career fair about the negotiating experience because I want to know if I'm empowering my students to negotiate

job offers, I want to make sure that that's okay, that I'm doing the right thing and not teaching them to just be greedy and ask for higher salary and that employers don't like that. I have never heard a hiring manager or an HR person tell me that they would take the job offer away. Actually, they are all almost universally happy that I'm teaching negotiating skills because their employees need these skills at work. And they want their job candidate to try to negotiate. Even if maybe they can't give any higher salary, they love to see the candidates try. And so the biggest fear that people have is that that job offer will be taken away if they seem too greedy. I've never had a student tell me a job offer was

taken away, entry-level jobs, you know, fresh out of college, never taken away. I've never had a hiring manager tell me that they would take that job offer away. So I think that fear is just in our minds. Yeah. Well, I remember also in that same conversation that someone said, not only has it never happened, but it's expected that the HR people expect you to ask for more. That's why they offered you less. Yes, you have to consider that they may not be giving you the best salary that they could, that they may be shooting at the lowest end of the range that they have available. And some jobs, think about it like sales or other jobs where you're going to actually negotiate on the job, that hiring manager might be disappointed if you don't negotiate. And they may think, maybe I hired the wrong person. So if it's expected as part of the job, then I would absolutely negotiate it and come in strong and well-prepared. Well, it's empowering to hear you talk because I think most people would say,

you know, I don't want to be the one. I don't want to be that guy. Like there's only one guy that does that. But lots of people do it. And it's in many ways expected, and the world won't come to an end if they say, no, you just, you buy the shirt or you don't, and you go home. That's right. It's okay if you don't buy the shirt. It's fine. You'll find another shirt somewhere else. My guest has been Emily Hunter. She is an associate professor of management at Baylor University School of Business, where she teaches negotiation and conflict management, among other things. And there's a link to her website in the show notes. Thanks for being here, Emily.

Yes, thanks so much for having me. It's been great. Well, nothing will ruin your day like having your car break down. And yet most of the time, it's preventable. According to Walt Brinker, author of Roadside Survival, the majority of times that cars break down, it's tire-related. It's usually a flat or a blowout. And that is usually because the tires are underinflated. Take care of your tires, and they'll take care of you.

Another reason people break down is they run out of gas, and it's also preventable. Still, it happens. And often, even if you go get a gallon of gas to put in your empty tank, it still won't start. Why? Because when you're pulled over to the shoulder, your car usually isn't level. It's probably leaning to the right, and then the gas pulls to the right of the tank tank and you can't get it where it needs to go to start the engine. Walt says the solution is to rock the car while someone turns the key to try to start it. And still another reason cars break down is the car just stops working. And Walt says very often it's just a case of the clamp on the battery terminal becoming loose.

Check that first, and it may be all you need to do to fix it. And that is something you should know. You know, I would love it if this podcast was the most listened to podcast on planet Earth, which is, you know, setting your goals pretty high, but you've got to have goals. So help us reach it. Please tell someone you know about this podcast. Recommend they give it a listen. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know.

Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer,

unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts. And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll, of course, have some actors on as well,

including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible. The note from Kripke was, he's great, we love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent Duchovny type. With 15 seasons to explore,

it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes. So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now.