Something You Should Know - The Science of Winning and Losing & Why So Many People Are So Rude

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Starting point is 00:00:17 You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. Today on Something You Should Know, there's a simple phrase you can use that will get almost anyone to do almost anything for you. Then, understanding the science of winning and losing. British researcher concluded that home-filled advantage gave you 160% more value in a negotiation. I was talking to a guy and I said, if you're asking your boss for a raise, you should ask for it in your office.

Starting point is 00:00:56 No one gets to negotiate for a raise in their office. I said, I know exactly. Plus, mail enhancement. It's a multi-million dollar business and the entire thing is a total scam. And why does it seem people are getting ruder and nastier? There is just this sense that we all have to be heard. There's a phrase people use all the time, which is, I'm only being honest. I'm just saying what other people are thinking.

Starting point is 00:01:20 And I think you have to sort of ask yourself, why are other people only thinking it? Does it need to be said? All this today on Something You Should Know. This is an ad for better help. Welcome to the world. Please read your personal owner's manual thoroughly. In it, you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind. Thank you and have a nice life. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp Online Therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist

Starting point is 00:01:53 by phone, video, or online chat. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more. That's betterhelp.com. dot com. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts and practical advice you can use in your life. Today, something you should know with Mike Carruthers. Hi, welcome to something you should know. As you know, there are different types of podcasts. There are ones like this that have guests and interviews and conversation. And then there are true crime podcasts. I like a lot of those.

Starting point is 00:02:31 And then there are fictional podcasts. I like those too. And if you like fictional podcasts, I have one I want to tell you about called The Washies. For over four years now, we've been very focused on this podcast. And we're now branching out, and we've got a few podcasts in the pipeline, and one that is launching its first episode today, the same day as this episode is publishing. It's called The Washies, and it's about five millennials who are all descendants of George Washington. And I don't want to give too much away, but what I would

Starting point is 00:03:05 really like is if you would give it a listen and let me know what you think. Again, it's called The Washies. You will find it on every podcast directory, Apple, TuneIn, Spotify, Stitcher, CastBox, wherever you listen. And I'll put a link to that podcast in the show notes for this episode. Now, our first topic today is all about a simple way to get what you want. The next time you really need someone to say yes, it's a good idea to use the old only if you want to trick. A study on persuasion techniques is suggesting that adding this simple phrase or one like like it, can double your chances of success. The best approach is to keep your request short and sweet, be direct and sincere, and then follow the request with the phrase, but you're free to say no, or only if you want to.

Starting point is 00:04:01 Reminding the other person that they are in control softens the favor and it makes it harder to say no. Now, the tone is also important. Even the slightest hint of insincerity or sarcasm can be perceived as passive-aggressive and it will backfire. And that is something you should know. I think one of the real appeals of watching professional sports or the Olympics or any sort of elite athletic performance

Starting point is 00:04:33 is that you're watching the real peak performers in their field. And you have to wonder, how did they get there? What is it they have that other people don't have that put them at the top of their game? And is there something we can learn that will help us all get a little closer to the top of our game in whatever we choose to do? Ashley Merriman has taken a careful look

Starting point is 00:04:59 at what makes some people winners. She and her colleague, Poe Bronson, are authors of a book called Top Dog, The Science of Winning and Losing. And she joins me now to talk about what makes a winner and how anyone can improve their chances of winning at anything. Hi, Ashley. Hi, Mike. Thanks for having me. So when you drill down into the science, if you can, what is it you think makes a winner? What are the characteristics of an elite performer? If you talk about elite performance, my favorite study, you know, because what's the difference between a novice and an elite performer?

Starting point is 00:05:37 Lack of technical skill, right? That's not the surprise. The novice literally doesn't know what they're doing. But what defines an elite performer, one from the next? Shouldn't they all be great? But they're not. One person wins a Super Bowl, one team wins a Super Bowl, one person walks home with an Olympic gold medal. They're all Olympians. They're all elite.

Starting point is 00:06:00 They should all win. They should all perform at the ceiling. They're not. And a study at the Washington State University actually looked at this, and they had law enforcement officers come in, and they had at least 10 years of experience, and they were coming in for a shooting simulation task. Well, they all know how to do this.

Starting point is 00:06:20 They've all had weapons training. They've done this task before. They know how to operate a firearm. And the researchers determined that 73% of the variance, the difference between one performer and the next, for elite performance was psychophysiological factors. You know, how did they sleep the night before? Did they have an argument with their girlfriend in the car on the way to the lab? Were they scoring based on how many hits they have an argument with their girlfriend in the car on the way to the lab?

Starting point is 00:06:49 Were they scoring based on how many hits they got or how many hits they missed? So it's not about the mechanical skills. It's about managing the psychology and using that to fuel your best performance. And, yes, I think the elite performers know that, and they train for it, and it's very – and we've done, they've done studies. Why did you win the Olympics? What were you doing? And all of them have pretty consistent explanations in terms of how they became an Olympic champion. And it's that kind of thing?

Starting point is 00:07:18 It's getting enough sleep and not arguing with your girlfriend? Well, the Olympic champions specifically came up with a few key findings in terms of why they explained their victory. And for most of them, a lot of it had to do with the fact that they'd lost the last time. They hadn't even made the Olympic team, or they lost in the finals. And they were so furious that they thought and agonized over every single element of their performance. And I don't mean that in a ruminating, oh, wow, I lost the Olympics. This is awful. Beat myself up for four years away. It was scrutinizing every aspect of their performance

Starting point is 00:08:00 so that they never made those mistakes again. So it's really fueled by this state of mind of, you know, you're in control. It's your responsibility to be your best, or at least the best you can be. You chose to try being an Olympian. You chose to be the best guy on Wall Street, an amazing surgeon, an amazing attorney, the best at your work. It doesn't matter the context. You chose to do this. It's your decision.

Starting point is 00:08:28 You're in control. And that knowing that you have this unshakable belief, you will ultimately prevail. Not just today, maybe today, but ultimately you will win. And if you have those, you can be an Olympic champion in any context. So failure, losing is a great motivator. Yes. The ultimate motivator, isn't it? Is it? Is it really?

Starting point is 00:08:55 Oh, I have, well, that's a good question. I think it depends on the degree of the loss. If you're humiliated, you may want to give up and never do that again. But actually research has shown that someone who just missed it and really thinks, oh, I could have won, really can fuel them to a new level of success. But the key is that focus on what were the mistakes I made and the things that were different that proved I can actually do this. If it was just missed it and I don't think no matter what I do, I can change the situation, the outcome will still be the same, I will always lose, then, yeah, you probably are going to drop out.

Starting point is 00:09:39 We don't need guaranteed wins. We need a close race. We need the belief we can win, not the guarantee. Do you think that in order to win, you need help? I mean, most Olympians have a coach. Most tennis stars have a coach. Do you need a coach, or can you do it yourself? I think you need a coach because you need someone to help you be a reference point to realize how much you need to develop. And that's actually more true for the expert. The expert needs to be reminded of how

Starting point is 00:10:14 much farther they need to go because they're already so great that small differences on a day-to-day basis may not really seem like that much. It may not be that motivating. But that next level is where you need an external source. So if it's not a coach, it could be a rival, right? But it's someone you need to look at as a comparison to remind you of where you still need to improve. Yeah. Well, there's that quote in your book about how a horse never runs so fast as when he has other horses to catch up and outpace. And that rings right, that competition really does make you perform better. If you know someone's running up on your tail there, you find that extra spurt to pull ahead.

Starting point is 00:10:59 Oh, absolutely. And it challenges you, right? The other person makes you think, I can't take what I'm doing for granted in both ways, right? I think I'm doing really well, and then someone flies by me, and I'm like, oh, wait, I wasn't as great as I was. Or it may be that you're struggling or pushing yourself to stay ahead, and that's what great competition is. You know, it's not about tearing your competitors down. It's not about embarrassing people.

Starting point is 00:11:27 It's about using them to inspire you to do the best you can. And they have that same process. You know, if you want to find some motivation, pick someone who's just a little bit better than you. Not huge difference, but somewhat better than you, because then you have someone to chase. Well, and most people listening are not going to be Olympians, but they're going to be wanting to win at other things,

Starting point is 00:11:54 at work, at relationships, or whatever. Same rules apply, you think? Absolutely. In terms of the focus for improvement rather than focusing on results, how did you grow? I give that advice to elite performers, but I give that advice to five and six-year-olds who are trying to learn how to write their name. It's not about being perfect. It's about, is it better than the last time you did it? So the rules and the mechanisms, the biology, the psychology, they all work the same.

Starting point is 00:12:27 I'm speaking with Ashley Merriman. She and her colleague, Poe Bronson, are authors of the book, Top Dog, The Science of Winning and Losing. Whether in the game or in life, the right coverage can make all the difference. Securian Canada gives you that coverage. For more than 65 years, Securian Canada has been helping Canadians build secure tomorrows.

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Starting point is 00:13:19 and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool. And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson discussing the rise of conspiracies and culture wars. Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today. Being curious, you're probably just the type of person Intelligence Squared is meant for. Check out Intelligence Squared is meant for.

Starting point is 00:14:08 Check out Intelligence Squared wherever you get your podcasts. So, Ashley, what about things like home field advantage? I mean, what does the science say? What does the research say about those kind of things, like home field advantage? It's real and more relevant, I think, in some ways to business than it would be to sport. Although Major League Baseball stadiums, other ballparks, home field advantage is somewhere between a three to seven additional game a win a year. But if you build a shiny new stadium with new facilities, you actually can lose home field advantage for a year. And the reason is home field advantage is not just this is my turf.

Starting point is 00:14:54 It's also this is not your turf. I own this, and you're going to have to take it from me. So people in a new stadium don't feel at home at it because it's all shiny and new and they may even have to protect themselves and protect the stadium from their own spills or mistakes. But once you own it, someone else has to take it. So my favorite example of this is they actually did a study of Atlanta shopping malls and found that it's not your imagination. If you're waiting to get someone else's parking space, they take longer to leave the space. And they take even longer if you use your signal to say you're moving in

Starting point is 00:15:36 and honk. And even though your goal is to leave the parking space, what you're doing is you're saying, here's something I now have, you want it, and I have to give it to you. And subconsciously, we don't want to do that. It's our turn. You've got to earn it. You've got to take it. That surprises me, because when I know somebody's waiting, I like to think that, let me hurry up and get out so they can get the spot. But I sort of understand what you're saying, that, hey, wait a minute, I'm here already, and you're not,

Starting point is 00:16:07 and so just hold your horses. Back in the days when there were payphones, they did similar studies with payphones, and knowing someone was waiting for you to finish your call, you took longer. Yeah, that I can see. Yeah, but what's interesting, so it's how, again, how quickly these things happen. A British researcher concluded that home field advantage gave you 160%

Starting point is 00:16:34 more value in a negotiation, whether you were the buyer or the seller. And all it is, you know, it's your office and you get more value. So knowing that research, I was talking to a guy, and I said, you know, if you're asking your boss for a raise, you should ask for it in your office. And he looked at me like I was crazy. And he went, no one gets to negotiate for a raise in their office. And I said, I know exactly. And he went, oh. Right. and he went oh right it's because you're going to the boss and asking him for an increase on his

Starting point is 00:17:10 turf and realizing it's up to him and not you if he says yes what are some of the others what are some of the other science that you've looked at and uncovered about winning and competition that that people might not know, unrelated to home field advantage. What are some of the other things you've discovered? Well, when we're talking about the structure of competition, it was interesting having researched the book changed my perspective of thinking about competition, because I'd always thought about it from the perspective of the person who is competing, right? What do I win? If I win, what do I lose? How long will this take me, etc. And the structural science actually thinks of it from the point of the organizer of the competition,

Starting point is 00:17:59 which makes you see it much differently. For example, if you decided you wanted to increase physical fitness in your town, you might have a 5K, but you want everyone to become more physically fit, not just elite athletes. So it's a 5K run, walk, or crawl, and everybody gets a medal so that everyone can feel like they're accomplishing something and no one will say, that's too hard, I can't do it. Now, if you do that, though, the elite performers, the serious runners, aren't going to sign up for that race because it's not a challenge.

Starting point is 00:18:38 It's not interesting to them. There's no actual competition, right? They're going to be insulted that everybody gets a trophy. If you want to, as that organizer, not find everybody gets involved, but who are my best performers? If you're a college scouting for teams or increasing elite performance, now you maybe only want 30% of the people to come home with a medal, and you're going to increase entrance fees. So what you as the organizer want changes the competition, and that will then change who is willing to compete in the first place.

Starting point is 00:19:19 Let's talk about that, everybody gets a trophy stuff. I mean, people have talked about that a lot over the last several years, and everybody has their opinion. My opinion is... Yeah, I'm sure you do. My opinion is that it hurts more than it helps. But how does it hurt? I mean,

Starting point is 00:19:38 except to demotivate people, what else does it do? Well, I should say, I hate programs where everybody gets a trophy. I hate them. I hate them. And I actually was Switzerland. I was neutral before having written, you know, actually two books relating to motivation. One was about kids, one was about competition. And I really didn't go in hating it. The science that I had learned, that's what actually catalyzed my profound hatred of it. And I think, first of all, yes, it's demotivating, especially for your elite performer.

Starting point is 00:20:17 But I think there's some moral lessons, right? I mean, great competition is about pushing people to your best, right? And improving. And I think that over time for kids, everybody getting a trophy at every single they do is teaching them nothing is worth doing unless you come home with the medal. We are winners here. Failure is not acceptable. Learning from losing is not acceptable. You must have a public recognition of your success at all times.

Starting point is 00:20:49 I think that's really destructive because we're not just talking one medal one day for one kid. We're talking medals every season, multiple medals even at a day-long tournament just for being there. So I think that that's really actually amping up competition. And actually a study that came out last month was looking at rising levels of perfectionism with millennials. They just can't handle mistakes. They can't handle failure. And I wondered almost immediately,

Starting point is 00:21:20 is part of it because they always get trophies and are always told they're wonderful. So there's a lot to this. is part of it because they always get trophies and are always told they're wonderful. So there's a lot to this. It isn't just that you can do more push-ups than me. There's a lot more to this than I think people realize, that being a winner takes a lot of understanding of how to be a winner. Oh, absolutely. I think those are separate skills. And, you know, the five or ten years ago, you would have heard that the key to elite performance was doing a task a million times until it was exactly the same and you did it without thinking. And there is a automation sort of programming and repetition. There is an

Starting point is 00:22:02 advantage of that. But the elite performer is not doing something the same thing every time in the same way. The elite performer, whether we're talking about someone at work or on an athletic contest or whatever, but they're constantly adjusting to the circumstance. They're realizing what they did yesterday doesn't necessarily match exactly what's going on today. And they've got to figure out how to fix that and address that. So adaptability is a key to that expert and what makes an expert someone who's really shining versus someone who's just solid and kind of reliable but isn't going to change things. The expert's going on the fly and adjusting as they need to. So it turns out that adaptability is a separate skill that we can teach

Starting point is 00:22:48 right along with any of the mechanisms and the mechanics. Well, I find this so interesting because, you know, I think it's human nature to want to do well, to be good at whatever it is you attempt to do. And it's so interesting to get that insight as to what it takes to be the elite performer in that field. Ashley Merriman has been my guest. She is author of the book Top Dog, The Science of Winning and Losing. There is a link to her book in the show notes for this episode. Appreciate you being here, Ashley. Thanks. Thank you so much for having me. It was an honor to get to talk to you. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to

Starting point is 00:23:36 like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only

Starting point is 00:24:06 prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back, and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed, critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice.

Starting point is 00:24:50 Then we have But Am I Wrong, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our listener poll results from But Am I Wrong. And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. It's pretty easy to make the case that as a culture, we are getting ruder and nastier to each other. Why is that? What has caused so many people, it seems, to have an opinion on just about everything,

Starting point is 00:25:34 feel the need to share that opinion, and then on top of that, the need to villainize and attack anybody who disagrees with that opinion? Is this going to continue to get worse? Can we do something about it? Danny Wallace is a man who is concerned about this. He is the author of several books. His newest is called F.U. Very Much. Understanding the culture of rudeness and what we can do about it. Hey, Danny, so where did this come from?

Starting point is 00:26:07 What's the cause of all of this? You know, you can blame it on almost anything. The rise of social media is an obvious one. And there is just this sense that we all have to be heard. There is a certain arrogance, I think, to it. And I think we're celebrating the wrong things as well. Certainly over here in Britain, there's a phrase people use all the time, which is I'm only being honest. You know, I'm just telling it like it is. I'm just saying what other people are thinking. And I think if you're doing that, you have to sort of ask yourself, why are other people only thinking it? You know, does it need to be said in this way and in this manner? So, you know, I think there is a gradual coarsening of debate that perhaps we're all a little bit guilty of. We all want to be heard.

Starting point is 00:26:48 It's just happening more and more. I love that. Well, why are other people not saying it? I like, maybe there's a point there. Maybe you ought to not say it too. Yeah, people not say it. Well, there is something a little British about that, you know. It could be. And I, you know is something a little British about that, you know. It could be.

Starting point is 00:27:05 And, you know, I am very British in that way. At one point, someone else had accused me of this, a man named Brad Blanton, who is a pioneer of what's called radical honesty. And he sees politeness as being almost deceitful. Why am I not saying the rude thing if I'm sort of thinking it? And so to sort of test that theory, I did fly to Germany, not just because the Germans have a reputation for telling it like it is, but also because there was a radical honesty course happening there. So their idea is that if you see someone whose haircut you do not approve of, rather than ignoring it or saying, no, it looks nice, you know, you're supposed to say, I do not like your

Starting point is 00:27:52 haircut. And I found my time on that German radical honesty course, one of the most excruciating and embarrassing and counterintuitive experiences I've ever had. So perhaps, yeah, there is a point. Perhaps I am repressed. But that's a great example, because, you know, what's the point? Why insult somebody's haircut when it doesn't matter, and all you're going to do is hurt somebody's feelings? What's the point in that? Well, absolutely. And, you know, I think it's far better to live in a society where we have empathy,

Starting point is 00:28:27 and we think about other people's feelings. So we're celebrating, I feel, the wrong things at the moment. We're celebrating people for their, in quotes, honesty. Whereas actually, they're just asking us to stand around and applaud them for their honesty, which, you know, is tantamount to applauding them for just being rude. Don't you think, though, that while it does seem that people are ruder and nastier to each other, that on the other hand, we also have people who take such great offense at everything, that you can't look at them the wrong way without them being offended, and that that's got to stop too. Well, I certainly feel that we've gone too far in the offense that we pretend to have taken at almost anything. And I think that it's very, very unhelpful. Some people are going out of their way to be rude, and they should be called out on that.

Starting point is 00:29:23 We should shine a spotlight on it. You know, there's a thing called the looking glass self, coined by Horton Cooley. And that's basically, as humans, we're always looking for how we are being perceived by other people. You know, am I coming across well? Is this person like me? Have I offended them? So that is a very, very important thing in human interaction. And when we confuse it by being offended by everything all the time and demanding apologies and demanding that the specific phrases that we have in our heads are being used by people who may never have heard those phrases before, that's just noise which really confuses everything and makes it much harder to make valid points about the rudeness of others. What do you say when someone says, in their radical honesty kind of way, that if you see something you don't like, you should be radically honest about it?

Starting point is 00:30:20 And you would say, well, wait a minute what what would you say well so if they're saying that to me then then I would sort of remind them that that society to function properly needs a certain amount of lubrication and we've developed these these these techniques for millennia that there are unwritten rules and they're unwritten because we don't need to write them down because they make such perfect sense they work's little things like making sure we say please and thank you, or if we're opening a door and there's someone running towards that door, we can just take a second just to hold that door open for them.

Starting point is 00:30:54 We can do all these things. We can be nicer. We can consider other people. I don't know what good it does the person whose haircut I don't like to be told I don't like their haircut. I don't see what the real positive is. The argument they would make is that by being completely honest, I'm going to break through to a whole new level of friendship with that person

Starting point is 00:31:16 because there won't be any lies between us. They'll know exactly where I'm coming from. Whereas from my point of view, I don't want to be friends with that person because they're rude. Right, exactly. And you know what? I bet you they've had a bad haircut once or twice in their life and probably didn't like it if somebody said to them, I hate your haircut. It's probably what drove them to this sociopathic behavior. You're going to find a history of terrible haircuts. But also, when people are radically honest, when they're rude, as we might more commonly call it, it creates a conflict that need not be there. Well, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:31:55 And I think there's even a confusion about just that word, honest, because very often when people are putting these opinions out on Twitter or, you know, at dinner pies or whatever. They're confusing a lot of different things. A lot of people confuse cynicism with wit. They think they're being funny just by being rude or being disparaging about things. And a lot of people say they're being honest. When they're not being honest, they're just finding some opinion that makes them stand out so that they can look a little bit smarter. So very often, it's really

Starting point is 00:32:31 not about honesty. It's just about sometimes ego, sometimes, I suppose, the sense that they're not being taken seriously. You know, there's a lot of strange things that lead someone to become, you know, what we term rude. Right. But because people are rude, it often results in wanting revenge. I mean, if somebody's a jerk to me, you think, well, you know, maybe I ought to be a jerk right back. Well, yeah, we trade almost like stocks and shares, you know, on respect, basically. And when someone is rude to us, you're right, revenge is a very interesting word to use, because if someone commits a crime against us, if they rob our house, or if they shoot our dog, we don't immediately want to shoot their dog. We want justice. But when someone is rude to us,

Starting point is 00:33:26 we tend to want revenge because we want to either drag them down to how they've made us feel, or we want to claw our way back up to a sort of, you know, a level seat with them. And, you know, in my research, I actually asked people, thousands of people, whether they had ever felt the need to take revenge on someone who'd been rude to them, and further, how they had done that if they had. And the results were sort of, some were funny, some were playful, but some were quite dark. So it would go from someone going, yes, you know, I took revenge by letting a dog lick a sausage I was about to serve them in a restaurant. Just some very weird, surreal ones like, you know, a plumber, I think it was, to take revenge on another plumber,

Starting point is 00:34:13 just turned up early for work and turned all the other guy's equipment upside down, which is just a bit weird, but it made him feel better. But then it got darker and it was things like I sabotaged them at work. I slashed their tires. And one person slept with someone's partner. So these little slights, these little digs into a fragile person or an ego can mean that we take real revenge on them, because we feel that that rudeness has got right to the core of who we are, and it doesn't sit well with us, and we want to get back to where we thought we were. Well, road rage is the perfect example. I mean, people pull guns out and shoot each other because they got cut off.

Starting point is 00:35:00 I mean, it's like, wait a minute, this is ridiculous. Well, here's an interesting thing about road rage. If you are, you know, in your car later on, you're driving home, and you see someone in front of you who happens to have a bumper sticker, avoid that person. Because the very act of putting a bumper sticker on your car means that you have, you consider that car like part of your home territory. You've personalized it. It's not just a metal box to get you from A to B to U. It's part of who you are. And so if someone cuts you up and you're one of those people, you're much more likely to take great offense and much more likely to try and get revenge on them, whether that's, a hand gesture,

Starting point is 00:35:51 some fruitless shouting, or as you say, you know, loading your gun. And in America, and I lived in America for a year, last year, and something that frustrated me as a British person was very rarely in Los Angeles where I was living, did anyone thank me for doing a good deed for them, for letting them in at traffic, or for pausing to allow them to make a maneuver? They wouldn't wave or nod. They'd sometimes just look at me, but they would never say thank you. And in Britain, we sort of trade on that. And something has developed organically in Britain that hasn't yet happened in America as far as I can see, which I feel speaks to all this and seems to have tempered a lot of the road rage that could happen, which is when you have made a mistake when you're driving. Maybe you've cut someone up and you didn't mean to.

Starting point is 00:36:39 Maybe you're trying to change lanes and you've just done it inelegantly. You flash your hazard lights for just a couple of seconds it might even be illegal i don't know but everyone does it over here and it means either sorry or thank you but what it really does is say i'm a person and i'm thanking you another person for inconveniencing you or for doing me a favor and you know when they don't flash their hazards, oh my God, you hate them. You absolutely hate that person.

Starting point is 00:37:09 You go from zero to 100. But the second they treat you as a human being, all that anger dissipates. And I really think that it's a technique that really has led to the decrease in road rage. So what do we do about this? You've researched this pretty well. So what's the suggestion and the recommendation? It's sort of that looking glass self again. It's kind of like, you know, holding a mirror up to someone's behavior. There

Starting point is 00:37:36 are ways of highlighting what they've done. There are ways of shining a spotlight on it, but in a non-aggressive way with a bit of grace and a bit of empathy, you can very often end that strain. So you can do it on a very low-key, everyday level, just by pointing out politely that someone's being a bit rude, but maybe with a smile, maybe finding a joke in it, diffusing the situation. There are people who have done it in very spectacular ways, though. There's a guy who used to be the mayor of Bogota at a time where the city was pretty much seen as the most chaotic on the planet. And everyone was just driving however they wanted, parking their cars on the sidewalk, jaywalking left, right, and center. No one was obeying kind of the rules.

Starting point is 00:38:20 And the more people who weren't obeying it, the more it sent a message out to everyone else that they could behave however they wanted. And so he did a very, very odd thing that I think is absolutely genius. He employed an army of mime artists, and he sent these mime artists out onto the streets of Bogota with a very simple task. If you see someone behaving rudely, show them. So people would find themselves, you know, parking on a sidewalk, inconveniencing everybody. And then they would suddenly be surrounded by dozens of mime artists, all just pointing and shaking their heads at the guy in the car. And then the public would feel buoyed by this, and there would be a sort of joke to it.

Starting point is 00:39:08 So people would gain confidence and be able to mock those people as well. Or someone jaywalking might look behind them, and they're being followed by three or four mime artists walking in exactly the same way as they are. And that is a very odd but brilliant way of highlighting behavior that shouldn't be happening and shining that spotlight on it in a powerful but quite playful way

Starting point is 00:39:30 that then sort of reinforces the ideas that, look, there are rules. They may not be written down, but this isn't the way we should be behaving. So, you know, I think that if we could employ an army of mime artists in every city in the world, I think the world would be a better place. Yeah. Well, and it also just seems that when you're rude, you're a lot less likely to get whatever it is you want than when you're nice, because people cooperate with nice people, and they don't cooperate when someone calls them names and calls them a jerk.

Starting point is 00:40:01 Yeah, and we live in a system that requires cooperation. So when we have people, you know, kind of at the top of the country who are, you know, saying this is an okay way to behave, we can be disparaging towards minority groups. We can give dismissive nicknames to almost anyone we like. We can choose whatever words we want to use, so long as we're telling it like it is and not being politically correct. It sends a message to everyone else that, yeah, I can act that way as well. And then they teach their children that, and their children grow up doing all these things. And pretty soon you realize that you've coarsened the culture to the point that for generations, you know, people are going to be affected by this.

Starting point is 00:40:47 It's confusing. Maybe we just need to write these rules down. Well, I'll say this as politely as I can, so please don't take offense, but we're out of time. But it's such an important topic because it seems to me, anyway, that things are getting out of hand, that people are getting so nasty with each other, and that it would be nice to bring civility back, that we could be nice to each other and expect people to be nice back. It would just make life easier. Danny Wallace has been my guest. His book is F.U. Very Much,

Starting point is 00:41:17 Understanding the Culture of Rudeness and What We Can Do About It. There's a link to his book in the show notes. Thanks, Danny. Thank you very much. Cheers. There is a scam, a ripoff, and you have been a target if you've ever gotten an email solicitation for mail enhancement products. If you check your junk mail, there's probably one in there right now. And if you type on the internet, mail enhancement, there is no shortage of websites that would indicate that the mail enhancement business is a thriving industry, helping millions of men. Well, it's a thriving industry, but it isn't helping anyone, not a single person.

Starting point is 00:42:01 To date, there has never been a cream, pill, potion, or anything that has been shown to help make any part of the male body bigger. Never. None. But it's worse than that. Some of these pills and potions can actually be dangerous. They're typically manufactured in China, and there's virtually no government oversight. A report published in a prestigious medical journal found some of these pills are actually tainted with pharmaceutical drugs, and some

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Starting point is 00:42:46 And that is something you should know. A reminder, as I said at the top of this episode, check out our new podcast, The Washies. There's a link to it in the show notes for this episode. And I'd really like you to listen to it and give me your feedback. Drop me a line at mike at somethingyoushouldknow.net. I'm Mike Carruthers.

Starting point is 00:43:06 Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group.

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Something You Should Know - The Science of Winning and Losing & Why So Many People Are So Rude

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