Something You Should Know - What Happens When You Stop Complaining & How to Make Worry Work For You

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

You probably never think about it until you get a rental car – but why do some cars have the gas tank door on the left side and others have it on the right? This episode begins with the unusual and very practical reason why. http://www.rd.com/advice/travel/car-gas-tanks/ Everyone complains. Some people complain A LOT more than others. Yet, when you stop and think about it, complaining does little good and it tends to turn other people off. Will Bowen has spent a long time exploring the world of complainers. He speaks on the subject; he distributes bracelets that remind people not to complain (over 11 million so far) and he is author of the book A Complaint Free World (https://amzn.to/3bxdtZR). He joins me to explain why people complain and explains the spectacular benefits to not complaining – and a great strategy to stop it. To order a bracelet go to: www.AComplaintFreeWorld.org Every cook has wondered if adding a bay leaf to a recipe really makes a difference. Well, it’s been tested. Listen to hear the results. http://skillet.lifehacker.com/do-bay-leaves-even-do-anything-1793275685 There is no shortage of worry and there is no shortage of things to worry about today. However, if you are not careful, you can worry so much that worry becomes the problem. Joining me to help get a handle on worry and actually make it work for you during these troubling times is Kathryn Tristan. assistant professor of medicine at Washington University School of Medicine and author of the book Why Worry (https://amzn.to/2RZhBdg) This Week's Sponsors -AirMedCare Network.Go to www.AirMedCareNetwork.com/something and get up to a $50 gift card when you use the promo code: something Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. Today on Something You Should Know, why do some cars have the gas tank door on the left side and others have it on the right? You'll find out. Then a lot of people complain a lot.

And it doesn't do anybody any good and simply becoming aware of it Will cause you to do it less and less over time and what you'll find is number one you feel internally happier You are drawn to people who do not complain and you begin to experience better health and better relationships also does adding a bay leaf to a recipe really make any difference? And everybody's worried. There's a lot to worry about today and we have to manage it. There's good worry, there's smart worry, but then there's overwhelming worrying. So we're trying to strike that balance between being proactive versus not worrying about things we can't control.

All this today on Something You Should Know. People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives. So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives, and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared. It's the podcast where great minds meet. Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and a lot more. A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI, discussing the future of technology.

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Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hello, welcome to Something You Should Know. It's interesting what you can think about when you have a lot of time to think, which many of us do, since we are staying at home so much with not a lot of places to go and things to do. And one of the things that I thought of the other day, so I did a little research, is why is the gas tank door on some cars on the driver's side

and on other cars it's on the passenger's side? Many people believe that it was designed that way so that people can pull up to both sides of the gas pump when they need gas. After all, if every car had a gas tank door on the same side, then we'd all want to be on the same side of the gas pump. But that's not really why. The placement of the fuel door is mainly a factor of fuel tank design, location, and underbody packaging, according to a spokesperson at Nissan.

With all the structure and components located underneath the vehicle, engineers quickly encounter restrictions as to which way the filler tube can go. So some go left and some go right. American drivers prefer the gas tank on the left, while drivers in the UK and other left sideside-of-the-road countries prefer it on the right. And that is something you should know. I bet if you put your mind to it, you could sit down and come up with a lot of things to complain about, especially now. And I bet you know people who tend to complain. A lot. Yet, when you think about it, complaining is not very productive,

doesn't really do much, and it alienates the people who have to listen to it. There's a great quote on my next guest's website that says that complaining is a lot like bad breath. It's easy to recognize it when it comes out of someone else's mouth, but it's not so easy to recognize it coming out of our own mouth. In 2006, Will Bowen was the minister of a small Midwestern church, and he challenged people to go 21 days without complaining. Will gave out purple rubber bracelets to people, urging them to put the bracelet on either wrist and then switch it to the other wrist every time they complained about something, with the goal of not having to switch

it for 21 straight days. Since then, over 11 million bracelets have been distributed. In fact, the 11 millionth bracelet was presented by Will to Maya Angelou before she died. Will has become a real expert on the topic of complaining, why it's harmful, and how to stop it. And at the end of our discussion, I'll tell you how you can get one of Will's bracelets if you would like to take the 21-day challenge. Hey, Will, welcome. Welcome to Something You Should Know. Hi, Mike.

Glad to be here. So explain why we're talking about this, because, you know, complaining is kind of like air. You know, it's just there. People complain all the time. You're always hearing people complaining. It just is what it is. So why do you think it's important, and why did you take this on as really your life's work? It is so ubiquitous. We are literally surrounded in it, drowning in it in many ways. It's around us all the time. And we don't realize the negative effects of complaining. We don't realize what it does to our health, to our relationship, to our career, and more importantly, to our mental focus. A lot of people seem to think,

well, someday I'll get control of my mind and I'll be able to think positive thoughts and I'll only speak positive things. I find it's easier to control what comes out of your mouth often than what goes on in your brain. And when you change what comes out of your mouth, it's like your brain rewires. You literally, the number one thing people say to me when they take my 21-day complaint-free challenge is they feel happier as a result. And so I think happiness is the one thing we all want. And it's the sort of express way there is to give up complaining. And so when you just said that we don't realize how complaining can affect

our relationships, our health, our career, how does it affect our relationships, our health, and our career? When it comes to our relationships, what it's found is that complaining about somebody, you know, I grew up in the 60s when all the comedians on TV were complaining about their wives. And that's still kind of a common thing. The challenge is that to complain about someone, to our friends or whatever, you know, to even try and be funny, we must first focus on some negative aspects of that person. Those aspects that we focus on tend to get elevated in our own minds. They become bigger. They become more frequent.

We notice them because we're looking for them. And so when we complain about somebody, we find our focus in that person looking for things to complain about. Now, the other person can sense that and they don't like being the object of your looking for things to complain about. It can make them feel very uncomfortable. So complaining about somebody causes us to look for challenges. And complaining to somebody drags down the energy in the relationship. I remember reading a study.

I don't remember exactly who did it, but they studied groups of teenagers who built their relationships around complaining. They complained about their fellow kids at school. They complained about teachers. They complained about homework. What they found interesting was even the groups that bonded together through complaining tended to ostracize the person who complained the most. So complaining tends to separate us as people as far as relationships goes. As far as health goes, there's actually been a lot of research done on this as well.

And what they have found is that complaining causes your adrenal cortex to pump out the stress hormone cortisol, which can make us fat, can make us have heart attacks, high blood pressure, heart attack, even a stroke. And I read one study that talked about how complaining causes people who complain frequently have a lot of the same emotional and mental characteristics as people who have Alzheimer's disease. They tend to be irritable, have trouble thinking clearly, etc. So there are a lot of the biggest challenge I find with complaining, though, is that it's like a negative soundtrack that we're doing all the time. And we're doing it really to get our unmet social needs met. And we don't realize it. And at the same time, it is it's actually creating problems for us. I know people, and I'm sure everybody knows people,

who, if you think about it, if they didn't complain, they wouldn't say anything. And maybe that's a good thing, but there are some people that are just seemingly wired to complain. They find fault in everything. And you're talking to one of them. Not so far. Well, in my previous life, I was probably one of the most negative complaining people ever. And my book, A Complaint-Free World, is based around the idea that people complain for five reasons, G-R-I-P-E. The G in gripe is get attention. My default mode in dealing with life, people, etc. And the

people I was very much like the people you're talking about. And that is that we all have this need to be noticed to get attention. And so people literally, it's their way of starting a conversation. It's their way of continuing a conversation. It's their way of continuing a conversation. It's their way of getting the focus on them when they want it. So, yeah, you're right. There are people that do that. And that tends to be one of the main reasons. It's just their default way of connecting because we need and want to connect as human beings.

And those people would likely think or say, what are you talking, if you don't complain, life is full of things that are worth complaining about, and if you don't complain about them, you can't change them. Most people who are complaining are not doing a darn thing to try and change them. They are doing that as an excuse not to get involved to change them. They somehow convince themselves that by repeating ain't it awful about something, that they're somehow making it better. Making it better is making it better. Making it better is making it better. You know, if you're complaining about the

homeless situation, are you complaining about it? Or are you actually going down? And are you feeding people in soup kitchens or distributing blankets? Do you consider it complaining that if if, okay, I come home from work and had a bad day, and I say, you know, I had this interaction with Bob and Bob really, you know, really gave me a hard time. And I'm just kind of relating the events of the day. Is that complaining or is that just relating the events of the day? You know, that is such a wonderful question. That's probably the question I am asked the most. Because you can say something and it be a complaint. You can say something and it not be a complaint, and it has to do with your energy behind it.

In other words, if your energy is, how dare this happen to me? Eckhart Tolle says in his book, A New Earth, you know, you can ask your waiter to heat up your soup and stick to the facts, or you can say, how dare you serve me cold soup with the same words. It all has to do with what's coming out of you. And we all need a primary attachment figure, someone we share everything that goes on with us, including how we're feeling about it. But stating, we can state our feelings, we can state our events without having to be in a drama to which we are the center of attention, which a lot of people do. A lot of people get home and it's like they compete to see who had the worst day.

You know, the other person's like, you win. Right, right, right. Well, I could tell you I had this bad interaction with Bob, or I could start by saying, you know, this guy is such a jerk, and I have just made it a complaint. Now I'm complaining. Exactly. Yeah, that's how you've wired your brain or that's how you've wired your communication, how do you ever stop? That is why it took me four and a half, five months to complete the Complaint-Free 21-Day Challenge the first time and over six the second time. I waited several years, almost 10 years and did it again. And yeah, it literally means finding a new way of communicating. And so I have learned now that because I still have social needs, I want to meet with people as well. And so if I'm speaking at a conference, which I

speak at association conventions and conferences all the time, if I'm on the elevator with somebody and we've all had a shared experience, it's negative, like a lot of rain or something like that. In the past, I would have said something about it raining. Now I say something like, what are you enjoying most about the conference so far? Or something that I know that I like, hey, how did you like this this morning? I literally had to find a new way to communicate with people so that I could get my social needs met, to learn to talk about good things rather than bad things that were happening. It's possible. But what happens when you have bad things happen? Like you just mentioned, you're at a conference and you're walking from one building to the other and you get caught in a downpour and it's raining

and you get in the next building with the people you're walking in with, it seems natural you would say, oh my God, that rain was terrible. It was, I mean, is that a complaint or that's just commenting on what just happened? That is just commenting on what is happening. Now, picking up the phone and calling your wife, girlfriend, dog, whatever, and saying, can you believe this happened to me? That's complaining. There's one thing about commenting and you can even tell them later, but it but the complaining is always about how dare this happen to me. This should not have happened. And there's a way of saying, like the way you said it, no, I would not consider that a complaint at all.

I would agree with you if I was standing next to you. I'd say, yeah, that came out of nowhere. having energy and we're stating facts, but we're not saying, of course, I wear my new shoes on today for the very first time, and then we get caught in this storm. That's the kind of complaining that we hear so often. And that's the kind of complaining that I'm working to eradicate. Why? What harm does that do? Well, if I gripe about my new shoes that I just spent all that money on and I just kind of let it out, what's the harm? The interesting thing is we think that we're letting it out. We think that human beings are like a dryer, a clothes dryer that needs to vent. We really are not. What we do is we actually upset our, we're upset about the shoes, but we increase our

own upset about it when we turn around and engage others and get them, attempt to get them upset about whatever it is we're going through. We're talking about complaining, and my guest is Will Bowen. He is a speaker, a blogger, and he is also author of the book, A Complaint-Free World. Hi, I'm Jennifer, a founder of the Go Kid Go Network. At Go Kid Go, putting kids first is at the heart of every show that we produce. That's why we're so excited to introduce a brand new show to our network called The Search for the Silver Lining, a fantasy adventure series about a spirited young

girl named Isla who time travels to the mythical land of Camelot. Look for The Search for the Silver Lining on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Since I host a podcast, it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like something you should know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show. Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill

about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back, and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Will, if you're one of those people who typically complains, something happens and you just knee-jerk reaction is to complain about it, well, how do you, what's the process? How do you start to not do that? And what do you do instead?

How do you find things to say that aren't complaints if that's what you've always done? If I was caught in a storm, and I have been recently, I tend to talk about how beautiful and unusual it was and how aren't I glad that that doesn't happen all the time. I literally try and take the events and flip them on their head. And a lot of times people seem put off by that. And a lot of most of the time people seem appreciative by that. People tend to follow along with other people. So if I say, yeah, that was really kind of beautiful. Somebody else will say, yeah, that was too. So the point I'm trying to make is that by going, doggone it, this would happen on the one day I'm wearing my shoes. It's just it's a it's a negative.

It is a negative way of looking at what is going on. And sure. I mean, yes, we're going to be upset. I mean, I've dropped my cell phone in the pool before. But I look at this. It doesn't get the phone out. It just keeps you upset. And it's unhealthy for us, especially when it's chronic. And people who get upset tend to not just get upset over this one event. They look for things to get upset. If I drop my phone in the pool, I'm going to get upset. I mean, I think most people

are going to get upset. And that's probably I would think, okay, because that's just human nature. I guess it doesn't really depend on, you know, how much longer is this going to go on? I'm not saying you don't get upset. I'm not saying, hey, my phone fell in the pool. But I'm also saying that you don't need to engage the world in your misery. I think that people somehow feel like, until I tell you what happened to me that was upsetting, I can't be okay. Not true. So what's the technique that got you from there to here? Because you said it took you two times, years apart to nail this. So how do you put your toe in the water? How do you begin this process of turning that off? You know, it's actually a lot simpler. I wish I

had something very complex. And it truly is realizing that the opposite of complaining is gratitude. And so literally where in in the past, I might have complained about something, which still might be my first response or something like that. Instead, I try to express something for which I am grateful for. And I try to put my own mind on something for which I'm grateful. And it is a practice. It is, you know, it's like I used to take karate years ago. And one time one of my buddies was messing with me and I found myself, boom, drop into a stance ready, you know, like we were fighting. And that didn't happen all at once.

It happened to me doing it in a class over and over and over again. So for me, it's truly trying to put my focus on gratitude and what I talk about on gratitude. And over time, the two reinforce one another to where you begin to notice more things to be grateful for and less things to speak negatively about. But I'm sure you get it probably more often than anything else. People tell you that you're just looking through rose-colored glasses. That's not the way the world works. You're being very Pollyannish. The world is full of bad things and negativity, and to ignore them or to try to tiptoe over them is a bad idea. to which you would say what? To which I say, I don't tiptoe over anything.

I'm a large donor to several very important charitable causes. So I'm taking an active part in that. I'm also volunteering to help restore the reefs here in Key Largo, where I live. So I am actually taking a very active part in doing something. And I know all of the things that are going on. And so rather than complaining about them, I'm doing my very best to try and improve them because I do realize that human propensity to complain and take that as having done something instead of actually doing something. The other thing is that an optimist and a pessimist are both right. People who are paying an awful, there you go, up, here was another one, that, that, that, you know, of something bad, the negative person.

And the optimist is always going, wow, look at that. Isn't that cool? Oh, of course this worked out. Well, no, I didn't see it at the time. But, you know, it's actually a good thing that that didn't happen. The pessimist and the optimist are both right. And the pessimist can't understand why the optimist chooses that way to look at things. And the optimist thinks that it's interesting.

I don't know. We tend to look at people who are optimistic as Pollyannish, and that is a pejorative term, unfortunately. And we don't have a corresponding one that comes to mind for people who just always look at the, you know, Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. And it's that old thing from Ziggy, you know, you can be grateful that thorns have roses, or you can be angry that roses have thorns. Again, I'm trying to think of, you know, people who would find fault in what you're saying, and they would say, well, this is great. You contribute to charities, you're making the world a better place. But when your phone falls in the pool, when you have a car accident,

to look at the bright side, what's the point? Your brand-new car just got crashed. It's hard to be all happy about that. Oh, you're right. One, I'm not saying anything I'm saying is easy. Two, again, I want to clear up the distinction between having the feeling of upset and irritation and feeling the need through complaining to share that with other people. Most people, when something happens, oh my God, they can't wait to call everybody, aunts, uncles, sisters, cousins, and tell them

every negative thing that goes wrong with them. Or they talk to people who can't do anything to improve it. What I want people to do is if you've got an issue or problem, speak directly and only to the person who can resolve it. When your phone falls in the pool, you can, I guarantee if my phone falls in the pool, and I've actually done a lot of my, I do a daily video, and I've done a lot of stuff on this, because I find it interesting. I will probably curse because that's what most people do when something like that happens. The point is, I've learned over the years, not to let that upset me as bad for as long or feel the need to share that with other people. For most people, I imagine doing like your 21 day challenge and actually being a little more aware, self-aware of how much you complain is pretty revealing.

And like I said, people don't have to get one of our complaint free bracelets. They can if they want, but they just put a rubber band on your wrist. And every time you catch yourself complaining, switch it just put a rubber band on your wrist. And every time you catch yourself complaining, switch it to the other wrist, just switch it, just switch it until you become aware of it. And simply becoming aware of it will cause you to do it less and less over time. And what you'll find doing it less and less over time is number one, you feel internally happier. Number two, you are drawn to people who do not complain. You are repelled by people who do complain.

And over time from that, you begin to experience better health and better relationships. So I would invite people to simply take it as a challenge. Right now, we consider it to be the norm. I always, when I do my speeches, I talk about how when I was a little boy, I had asthma. And the pediatrician who I loved would always lean down in my face and say, you know, I can't understand why he's having trouble breathing. Meanwhile, he's got a cigarette in his mouth, and so does my mother standing right next to me. Back then, everything

was covered in cigarettes, smell, and smoke. And nowadays, most of us, if we go someplace where there's smoke, we notice it. It's just somebody's been smoking here. Well, nowadays, we are so surrounded in, covered with, complaining, and people consider it the norm, that the idea of doing it differently seems so atypical and abnormal. But you should really, in my book, I go into the stories of people whose marriages have been saved and businesses have doubled just by just stop having complaining being the default way of communicating and discovering new ways. I know you've distributed over 11 million of those bracelets, and I know in the beginning you gave them away and that just became financially unviable,

so now you sell them. But if people want to get their 21-day challenge complaint-free bracelet, where do you go to get it? At acomplaintfreeworld.org. That's acomplaintfreeworld.org. Well, I really like topics like this that are so pervasive. I mean, this applies to everyone. We live in a world full of complainers, and we're either complaining or listening to somebody else complaining. And it's, I think, really interesting to kind of peel back the layers of the onion and really see what's going on and how to

stop it. Will Bowen has been my guest. If you'd like to find out more about Will, in addition to getting the bracelet, if you like, you can check out his website, which is willbowen.com. Thank you, Will. My pleasure. Great talking with you. Do you love Disney? Then you are going to love our hit podcast, Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle. On every episode of our fun and family-friendly show, we count down our top 10 lists of all things Disney. There is nothing we don't cover. We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed, but you definitely need in your life. So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey everyone, join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong. Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our Lister poll results from But Am I Wrong. And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we

catch up and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. If you're a regular listener here, you know that we have intentionally stayed away from talking directly about the coronavirus pandemic. Because you probably don't need me to have an expert come on and tell you to wash your hands and keep your distance. I think we know that by now. But certainly, I suspect every single person listening has spent some time worrying about what this all means to them. And these are real worries. Worries about money, health, family. And all that worry can be draining. So let's take a few moments and focus

on the worry and what we can do about it. Here to help do that is Katherine Tristan. She's an assistant professor of medicine at Washington University School of Medicine and author of the book, Why Worry? Hi, Catherine. Well, thank you, Mike. I'm delighted to be here. So when you think about this, we're all worried, but we're worried in a way like we've never really worried before. In some ways, we're not even sure what we're worried about, and we worry about that, the uncertainty. So there's a lot of worrying going on. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. We have so many people that are affected, and so it takes many forms.

We're worried about about are we safe? You know, if you want to get down to the really underneath everything, are we safe? And are we going to be okay in the future? And I think that's probably one of the issues is that we don't know what is going to be happening. And are we, will we be safe in the future? Are we safe now? So there's so many things to worry about. What about our jobs? And what about things that we can count on in the future? Are we safe now? So there's so many things to worry about. What about our jobs? And what about things that we can count on in the past?

Can we still count on those? So the bottom line, though, in my mind, is my connection to the world. Am I going to be safe? I think it becomes a problem, though, when people are spending so much time worrying. It becomes overwhelming because it's like, where do I turn? What do I do? And the worry itself becomes debilitating. The thing to remember is that worry is a good thing.

It's part of a natural biological and actually psychological immune system that alerts us to potential problems. So the one thing is that we're not saying don't worry. You need worry to make sure you worry enough to wash your hands and do social distancing. But the problem becomes when that becomes our everyday mode. We're worried all day long or we wake up and we're worrying and we go to sleep before we go to sleep, we're worrying. So it's a delicate balance between being proactive and doing things that you know will create your safety and your future versus being inundated with worry and getting into what I call the red zone.

One of the things, at least for me, one of the things I've noticed that when you're worried, one of the best ways to stop worrying is to get working on something, is to start solving the problem rather than sit and worry about it. And that sitting and worrying about it is what makes it overwhelming. Yet right now, so many of us are stuck at home with not a whole lot to do and not much we could do about this anyway, and that makes it worse. Absolutely, and I think that is a very, very good point, because worry is usually about the future.

You know, right now you're probably okay, and you are worried about what's going to be happening. So the more steps you can take to help you feel and actually in a concrete way, help you get through what will be the future makes the most sense. Action is a very good idea, whether it's your finances, whether it's getting papers in order, whether it's how your job is situated right now, what you might do if you lose your job. All those things are action points that we can be working on right now. Being proactive and solution-oriented is the best thing you can do when you're overworrying. And it's easy to over worry because if you turn on the TV,

that's all you get is death and dying and sickness and economic problems and businesses closing and there's a lot to worry about. Well, and the news cycle has to continue. And what do they have to talk about right now is just what is wrong and what is happening. So what I found is that I listened to enough news to be intelligent about what is going on today. But then I actually just turned it off. You know, I was watching the newscast, and they were listing county by county by county in Missouri, where I am from, and the number of cases, the number of deaths. And this was going on for a minute or two, and I thought, I don't really need to know that.

That actually bothers me. That's not going to help me to know that. So I think you listen to things that will help you and know when to turn off the news. What else can people do? What are some steps people can take if they're feeling a little overwhelmed by worry? And what is the goal? Is the goal to stop worrying? Because you can't really stop worrying.

So what are we trying to do here? Worry is all about management. There's good worry, there's smart worry, but then there's over-worrying and overwhelming worrying. So we're trying to strike that balance between, again, being proactive, being solution-oriented with our worrying, versus not worrying about things we can't control. There's a lot that we can't control right now. One of the things that we need to learn is acceptance. It's like the old adage about control, change the things you can right now,

and don't worry about the things that you can't, but hopefully you'll have the wisdom to know which one to do. So one of the worst things we're doing right now, though, is what I call terribleizing, and that is not seeing other possibilities beside what is wrong and what could happen that would be even worse than today or how we won't get out of this situation. So terribleizing is the natural way that our mind reacts to any kind of perceived problems. What could happen? What could happen? What could happen? So we need to hear that voice.

We need to understand that we may need to do things. But the best way for me to deal with it when my mind goes into terrible-izing is to talk to myself and turn that around by possibleizing. And possibleizing just means to see positive possibilities and to see that there are many things that could happen of which we have no control right now that will be a help to us. So it's that fine balance between terribleizing and possibleizing that will bring us more peace. And we can train ourselves to take charge and listen to the inner voice that's speaking and know that it's trying to help us, but we have to take charge of our attitude about what input our minds are going to allow us to listen to

because we retain one thing. We may lose everything else, but we always have control of our attitudes and how we want to react to something. So to me, that is the key, is learning to listen to that inner voice, pay attention to what you need to, but then see many possibilities, not just the negative ones that are overwhelmingly loud in your mind. Well, one of the other, I think, real problems that feeds into this is the fact that people are stuck at home with not a whole lot to do, and so guess where the mind goes when you don't have a whole lot to occupy yourself.

That's absolutely true. In fact, you know, I had to deal with this, too, and initially I was reacting like everyone else. Absolutely true. In fact, you know, when I, you know, I had to deal with this too. And initially, I was reacting like everyone else. This is something new. We're not skilled in how to deal with pandemics. We're not skilled in any way, shape or form. And the fact that we have to stay home, we can't go to Starbucks for our afternoon mocha. The kids are going to be there, if you have kids, 24-7, and you have to deal with that. So certainly I think that is where it becomes most important,

at least if you're a caregiver, it's important that you take care and nurture yourself because you may have to be the strong one. You may have to be the one that keeps everybody else from going crazy in the house and being angry and upset. And if you're alone, that is also something that you have to deal with. Try to be more socially connected. And there are lots of ways to do that.

I actually had, I'm the one in my family who has the Easter celebration. And usually I have maybe 20, 25 people come over, all family members. Well, obviously we couldn't do that. This first year I was not able to host Easter. So I figured out how to use Zoom. And so I had 11 people and their family or kids on Zoom. And that was very, that was nurturing to everyone to have, be able to see their faces. Everybody had a chance to comment. And the worst problem I had was figuring out how to prevent everyone from talking at once. So there are things that you can do if you actually put your mind to it to solve whatever issue that you're going to have to deal with. Well, and you were talking about how people tend to

terrible eyes, catastrophize about, you know, what if this is so horrible, what if the world ends kind of thing. And yet when you look back at big catastrophes in the past, we overcome them. I mean, as a culture and as a society, we figure it out and move on. We always do. We always do. And you know what I love is I remember a quote by a minister called Dr. Robert

Shuler, and he said, tough times never last, but tough people do. And that sort of reminds me of exactly what you're saying. We overcome, we adapt, we take care of things we need to take care of. We pull together as a people, as a country, as a neighbor, as a family. We pull together and we figure things out. I mean, this isn't the only terrible thing that's happened. You think about World War I, World War II, you know, with the bombing of Pearl Harbor, lives were changed for years, you know, wars started. And so I think one of the things that we have in our favor is that we are very resilient. We haven't gotten to this point in our lives and in evolution as a species, if you look at the really long term, without being able to be adaptable,

to be strong, and to learn how to pull together and use our resources to help us overcome any challenge. So what else can people do? What else can people who are inclined to worry distract themselves with while they're at home or spending an awful lot of time at home so that they're not worrying. One of the things that actually helps, depending on your particular situation, is to have a routine. Some people kind of jokingly say, I have my day pajamas and I have my evening pajamas. So I think it's important you had a routine before, and I think science shows that having a routine actually helps people. So I say try to find that sweet spot between having a routine.

Get up, shower, change your clothes that day, do something you usually do, but then find the sweet spot between that and variety because we like different things and we're kind of stuck in the house right now. So that the way to have something different may be to go online and learn something new or read a book that you never had a chance to read. So I think having a routine helps and do some more deep breathing and that can totally change your inner biochemistry. People seem to handle worry differently, and some people can deal with this whole coronavirus thing and get through it and not worry too much and have a different attitude, whereas others really get stuck. And so what should you be looking for, say, in other family members, for those people who aren't coping well with this?

That's a very good point, because there are about 10 to 20% of us who are actually highly sensitive people. You know, that's actually a personality type, highly sensitive personality, where you react more strongly to even visual stimuli or things that you hear or even emotions. So we're going to have a spectrum. If you have a group of people in the house, you'll have a spectrum of people like

whatever and other ones who are uptight all the time. You also have some who will show signs of maybe being argumentative, acting out. And so it's important to have a good communication with them, too. I think if you are with people and you're like a mother with kids, a mother and dad with kids, that you kind of direct each one to their own personality. If you've got a highly sensitive child, teenager, whatever in your family, you kind of direct them away from certainly too much television about bad things or even too much violent video games, you know. And you have someone who's more withdrawn, then you may be able to just have a discussion about how they're feeling.

One of the things, an easy way to communicate if you have disagreements too is to discuss what you're bothered by and when you did whatever, I felt this way. So instead of being angry, you could use tools like iMessages and discussing your feelings as opposed to saying, what a jerk you are. You know, we're all stuck in this. And so there are tools that you can use for different types of personalities. And I think some of those, as well as maybe even having family discussions, what are we going to do? You know, this is some of our problems. How can we handle that? I think those are also helpful.

You mentioned routines and the importance of routines, and I imagine people's routines have been disrupted. I mean, mine certainly has. Everybody in my family, life is different now. We don't do the same things at the same time every day, and I imagine that can cause problems. Well, just on a practical side, you know, what's really important in our lives and how we feel day to day is, are we getting enough sleep? It seems so natural to think about that. Oh, sure. But a lot of times, especially with the situation, you may wake up at night and not be able to get back to sleep.

You may wake up early and start thinking. I mean, I have done the same thing where your conscious mind seems to be a little more asleep and your worry comes out and is very loud. So I think getting enough sleep is important. If you find yourself waking up, have a strategy. What I was doing when I was waking up is I was immersing myself in some wonderful memory, like being on vacation, visiting my sister in the Bahamas, just the beautiful color of the water and the clouds and the warmth on my face. So I countered the worry voice if I woke up so that I could, and I would go back to sleep. So getting enough sleep

and also eating well. And again, this seems like such a practical thing, but if you're filled with cookies and sugary, salty things, it doesn't help your overall body as well as your mood and emotions. Then if you eat better foods, you can, you know, embargo junk food. That means don't necessarily take it all out because we all like something a little sugary or salty. But try adding bananas or, you know, things, turkey, which, chamomile tea, all those things contain natural relaxants. So sleeping and eating well. And then one other major thing that I think is important is connecting with Mother Nature, whether you're walking outside barefoot on the grass or going outside listening to the birds, seeing the beautiful spring colors now, connect with Mother Nature in some way too.

And those three things, as well as the mental tools that you will be needing to use, are just practical ways of keeping you grounded, keeping you centered, and keeping you coping with what you'll need to do for the short term, at least. Well, I know for a lot of people that during this whole coronavirus thing that worry is a frequent, if not constant, companion, and it's good to get some strategies to better cope with it. My guest has been Katherine Tristan. She's an assistant professor of medicine at Washington University School of Medicine and author of the book, Why Worry? There's a link to that book at Amazon in the show notes. Thanks, Katherine. Thank you, Mike. Bye.

This is probably not the most important, urgent topic given our current situation. But if you've spent any time in the kitchen and cooked a recipe, you've, I'm sure, come across a recipe that included in its list of ingredients a bay leaf. And you probably put the bay leaf in whatever it is you're cooking because it says to. But really, does it matter? I've always wondered if this whole bay leaf thing was a scam because, I mean, how much difference could it actually make? Would anybody notice if you didn't put in the bay leaf? Well, one of the editors of The Skillet tested plain white rice with dried bay leaves, fresh bay leaves, and no bay leaves. And what she found was there was something.

She says bay leaves are all about complementing their surroundings. They round out the dish they're in without hogging the spotlight, especially if there aren't a whole lot of bold flavors in the mix. She said if she was making a hearty beef stew or some other rich dish, she wouldn't panic if she ran out of bay leaves. The analogy she used is dryer sheets. If you ran out of dryer sheets, you'd still dry your clothes and they'd be fine. They might not be as soft, but they'd still be fine. And it isn't that big a deal. And the same could be said of the bay leaf. And that is something you should know. We are here every week with new episodes, and I hope

if you have a chance, you'll share them with your friends. I'm Mike Kerr Brothers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions,

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