Something You Should Know - What Makes Someone Credible & How to Finish What You Start
Episode Date: June 16, 2022Are you a smiler? Smiling turns out to be really good for you in a lot of ways. This episode begins with an explanation of some of the surprising benefits of smiling more often. https://www.forbes.com.../sites/ericsavitz/2011/03/22/the-untapped-power-of-smiling/#23fc80fc7a67 Why do we pay attention to some people but not others? What makes those people seem more credible? According to researcher Stephen Martin there are 8 subtle characteristics that make some people more credible and believable than others. Interestingly it has nothing to do with the message they are delivering. Listen as Stephen and I discuss this. Stephen Martin is a visiting professor of behavioral science at Columbia University and author of the book Messengers: Who We Listen To. Who We Don’t. And Why. (https://amzn.to/2MDAtej) Are you clear on what your priorities are? Do you have things you say you want to do – or things you start doing but somehow those things never get finished? If you would like to get a clearer picture on what your priorities really are and how to actually get them done, listen to my guest Charlie Gilkey. He is the founder of Productive Flourishing, (https://www.productiveflourishing.com), a website that helps people tackle and finish the things that matter – and he is author of the book Start Finishing: How to Go from Idea to Done (https://amzn.to/33t5dp6). Charlie has some proven ways to help you get to those projects – or let them go. Admit it, you’ve taken a drink straight from the milk carton - right? And when you get caught people probably told you that it was really gross. But how gross is it? Listen as I explore the science of drinking from the carton and what that does for the next person who drinks from that carton and also what it does to the milk. https://spoonuniversity.com/lifestyle/we-debunked-the-5-second-rule-double-dipping-and-other-food-myths PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! Go to https://Shopify.com/sysk for a FREE fourteen-day trial and get full access to Shopify’s entire suite of features! Truebill is the smartest way to manage your finances. The average person saves $720 per year with Truebill. Get started today at https://Truebill.com/SYSK! If you drive a car or truck, you need GetUpside, https://app.getupside.com/for-people/gas the FREE gas app that pays you cash back for every gallon of gas you buy! If you're the type of person who's always thinking about new business ideas or wondering “What’s the next side hustle I should spin up?” — check out the podcast My First Million! Today is made for Thrill! Style, Power, Discovery, Adventure, however you do thrill, Nissan has a vehicle to make it happen at https://nissanusa.com Listen to Curiosity Daily on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Discover matches all the cash back you’ve earned at the end of your first year! Learn more at https://discover.com/match Get all of the supplies & tools you need to get your job done! Visit https://ferguson.com With Avast One, https://avast.com you can confidently take control of your online world without worrying about viruses, phishing attacks, ransomware, hacking attempts, & other cybercrimes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Today on Something You Should Know,
why you should smile now and more often in the future.
Then, what makes something credible or believable?
Is it the message or the messenger?
We're often told that in order to get,
you know, our message heard, in order for someone to believe us, we need a good case to make. But
what we're finding is who delivers the message is sometimes even more important than the merits of
what's actually being said. Also, why you might want to resist that urge to drink milk straight from the carton, and understanding how you decide what your priorities really are.
And I follow Gandhi's quote that action expresses priority,
which is super painful for a lot of people, Mike,
because when you look over the last two weeks or you look over the last month
and you look at your schedule, those are your priorities.
Whatever's on there is actually what you're doing.
All this today on Something You Should Know.
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Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Are you a smiler? Are you smiling right now? People who are generous with their smiles are considered more likable and approachable
than people who frown or wear a blank expression on their face,
according to a 30-year study by the University of California at Berkeley.
Just as we smile when we're happy, it turns out that the mere act of smiling makes us happy.
When we smile, our body recognizes out that the mere act of smiling makes us happy. When we smile,
our body recognizes that there's an absence of threat and our whole body relaxes. It slows down
our heart rate, tamps down the production of the stress hormone cortisol, and it may temporarily
reduce blood pressure too, which boosts our overall health. Smiling can help you live longer as well.
Scientists studied and found that Major League Baseball players from 1952
who wore full-face genuine smiles on their baseball card pictures
lived longer, around 79.9 years,
compared to players who only partly smiled or didn't smile at all.
They live five to seven years less.
Smiling can make us look younger too. So for a lot of reasons, smile. And that is something you
should know. Have you ever wondered why you're more likely to believe some people and less likely
to believe others? What is it that makes some people and less likely to believe others.
What is it that makes some people more credible or appealing or likable?
This is such a fascinating topic because we like to believe,
or I like to believe, that I'm a good judge of character,
that I can tell when someone is believable and trustworthy and worth listening to.
But there's a lot going on under the surface.
Stephen Martin has been studying this for quite a while. He's a researcher, a visiting professor of behavioral science at Columbia University, and he's the author of a new book on the topic called
Messengers, Who We Listen To, Who We Don't, and Why.. Hey Stephen, welcome to Something You Should Know. Well thank you Mike,
it's good to join you. I love this topic because I have long thought that there's something to this
whole idea of why we listen to who we listen to. How did you get interested in this? I've been
working in the behavioral sciences and persuasion sciences for a number of years. And we often kind of get
together our organization in little lunchtime meetings, and we talk about situations that
occur in everyday life that just don't seem to make sense. So one of them is this situation,
I think, that many of us will have faced where you have an idea and you go tell someone about
that idea, maybe a colleague at work or a friend or a neighbor.
And they look at you in that strange way as if you're talking crazy.
And then you find out a couple of days later that someone else has come along with the exact same idea that you've had.
And those same people are now enthusiastically embracing it.
And we kind of thought, well, that's interesting, isn't it?
That someone can say something and it'd be dismissed. Someone else can come along and say the exact same thing and it'd
be accepted. It can't be the content of the message. You know, we're often told that in order
to get, you know, our message heard, in order for someone to believe us, we need a good case to make. But what we're finding increasingly, I think, in society is who delivers the message is sometimes as important, and actually in certain
cases, Mike, even more important than the merits of what's actually being said. And that intrigued
me. And so we started looking at it a couple of years ago and unearthed this trove of research. And if you had to boil down that
trove of research into a couple of sentences or a generalization, what is it? I think the
generalization would be increasingly looking and sounding right is often more important than
actually being right. Well, and I think we all sort of know that on a fundamental level of, you know,
if someone were to tell you something and they're dressed in rags and their speech isn't particularly
good, it isn't going to hold much water with you versus if a guy in a beautiful suit and, you know,
was very articulate said the same thing. I mean, we all have a sense that that guy's going to be
much more persuasive than the other guy, but it's more than that, right? Well, it is. And that's a really neat example.
You know, when you say those words, we have a sense, that's what a lot of the research that
we've uncovered and studies of our own have actually found, that some of the inferences
that we're making in deciding who we should listen to and who we shouldn't are occurring within milliseconds.
You know, there's a feature or a characteristic of a messenger that just seems to connect with us in some way.
And we almost instantaneously start to believe and want to listen to what they have to say,
again, regardless of its truth or wisdom.
So that have a sense that you've just used, that terminology is exactly right.
And is it subjective or objective?
In other words, do I have my own criteria for who I'm more likely to believe,
or are there objective criteria that make someone believable to everyone?
Well, essentially what our research finds is that there are certain innate characteristics that a messenger is able to signal to an audience
that immediately puts them in a position where they're more likely to be listened to.
And those innate characteristics are largely divided into two groups. There are society's hard messengers,
and they're the messengers that typically an audience would see as having some sort of status
over them. And as a result of that elevated status, they're more inclined to be listened to.
And there are messengers, in in contrast that are softer. They
have a connectedness with their audience. And it seems to me that increasingly what we are using
to determine who to listen to is, are these cues? Does this person have some form of status? Do they
have some sort of connection? And as a result, that might incline me to infer all sorts of
things about them that will increase the chances that I'll listen to them.
So you've identified exactly what these traits are.
So let's go over them.
Our research finds there are four hard messenger traits.
Those messenger traits are socioeconomic position, so someone standing in society. Competence, which is a messenger's ability to be able to convey
that they are an expert or they have some perceived expertise. Dominance. Dominant
messengers are the kind of personalities that want to win at all costs. They're not interested
in collaboration. They're interested in just winning. Everything is a game where the victor wins the spoils.
And the fourth hard messenger trait is physical attractiveness.
The idea that a messenger who has features of beauty and attractiveness is more inclined to be listened to.
The four soft messenger traits, the first is warmth. So this is a messenger's
ability to show that they have some similarity and connection with their audience. They don't seek
to exert their status. They communicate their benevolence. The second is vulnerability. Certain
messengers who perhaps don't have these hard traits are able to be listened to by expressing or signaling some sort of vulnerability they have, some weakness.
That allows us to connect or an audience to connect with them.
Trustworthiness is the third.
Trustworthiness is essentially an audience's perception or confidence in predicting that a messenger has their best interest at heart.
You know, confidence is, trustworthiness rather, is our confidence in predicting others' future
behavior. And the final one is charisma. And charismatic messengers are those communicators
who are able to, you know, essentially mobilize whole groups of people behind a unifying vision or goal.
They use overt hand gestures.
They have what psychologists call surgency, a very clear positivity to their communication.
So those are the eight traits, four hard, four soft.
So give me some examples of how in real life this works.
One of the examples, a pop star, you know, someone that's rich and famous,
has that socioeconomic position, starts to communicate via WhatsApp and Facebook information about health, you know, whether or not you should vaccinate your child,
whether or not you should get a flu jab. And people start to believe the evidence that they are hawking, despite the fact it's
contrary to all the established medical evidence. So there's an example of how someone's position
in society inclines audiences to listen to them, regardless of the fact that their information is,
in this instance, just fake. And there is, I think, somewhat of a backlash. I mean,
you often hear people make fun of celebrities who speak out on social issues, not because
they know much about those social issues, but because they're celebrities.
But they're probably celebrities that we don't necessarily like or see some sort of connection
with. That's the key there. There's a tribalism to this as well, Mike.
You know, there's a study that actually my co-author,
Joseph Marks, ran in his laboratory
where they had people come in
and they presented people with information.
And sometimes the information came from people
that they saw as similar to them.
And sometimes they were presented with information, the same
information, but from someone that was dissimilar to them, but was an expert. And the experiment was
really looking at when we're presented with information, are we more inclined to listen
to someone who is similar to us, but wrong, than someone who is correct, but dissimilar to us in that instance.
And what he found in the research was that actually people are much more inclined often
to believe fake news and falsehoods, provided it comes from someone that is actually similar
to them.
So that's really concerning and unnerving if you think about it, that we're using these
tribal cues to determine
who we should listen to, regardless of its truth or wisdom. Has that always been, or is this
more of a new phenomenon, or is it changing, or what? Yeah, I think there's probably been the
case that it's always been there. But one of the things that I think is certainly now clear to us is that it's increasing
in its intensity. And I think the primary reason for that is that we're just inundated with
information. There's so much for us to pay attention to. There's so much information
that's directed to us. We simply don't have the time and the mental resources and capacity
to work out who is telling the truth and who isn't, who we should listen to and who we should not.
And so I think increasingly, Mike, what we're doing is we're using these characteristics,
these messenger traits, you know, how rich and famous someone is, how dominant they are,
how trustworthy they may be, in certain cases, just how dominant they are, how trustworthy they may be. In certain cases, just how attractive
they are. To quickly determine whether we can and should pay attention to someone or whether we
should just ignore them and get on with our busy lives. Yeah, well, I'd like to talk about
attractiveness because it does seem that we're more likely to pay attention to somebody who's
beautiful. Stephen Martin is my guest and the name of his book is Messengers.
Who we listen to, who we don't, and why.
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Look for Melissa and Doug wherever you shop for toys. So Stephen, let's talk about attractiveness, and I assume by that you mean objective physical beauty,
as well as how people dress and how people groom themselves.
But it does seem that we're more likely to believe those people, we're drawn to these people.
Why are we so taken by that?
Well, we're taken by it because
attractive, and we're talking about physically attractive messengers here now, have what we
call in psychology, mate value. They essentially are attractive to us because we see that there's
some evolutionary quality to being with them, to being in some form
of relationship. And that seems to have, you know, spilled over into modern day life. You know,
there are individuals in society that have been genetically blessed at birth. And as a result,
they are afforded an advantage in life, the attractiveness bias. We see it in recruitment,
for example. You know, as much as they try not to recruit as a human,
and they'll often be more inclined to look towards a more attractive applicant than a less attractive
or an average-looking applicant, even when their skill sets are the same. So it's an inherent bias
within us. And that's how it plays out in everyday life. You know, we look to attractive messengers. So no surprise that they're often used in advertisements. And what's really
interesting is that we can even put a price on attractiveness. So economists have estimated that
being born attractive is worth about 10 to 12% in additional earnings over a lifetime.
How important is confidence?
It seems to me that if a person sounds like they know what they're talking about
and acts like they know what they're talking about,
I'm more likely to believe they know what they're talking about.
You're exactly right about that.
When we see a messenger or a communicator that has confidence,
it's pretty easy to then start to infer that they have levels of competence as well. Because
if you're competent at a task or knowledgeable or expert about a subject, it kind of makes sense make sense that you would speak confidently about it. And so we see that. We see that connection.
We hear someone speak confidently, and we start to make all these inferences that they're probably
more competent. But that's not necessarily the case sometimes. So I think you're exactly right about that. That competence and confidence
connection is a very real one. So explain how trustworthiness works in this.
It's pretty hard sometimes to work out accurately who we should pay attention to and who we
shouldn't. And so if we see cues of trustworthiness in an individual, that might
incline us to listen more to them as well. And trustworthiness is an interesting one because
sometimes communicators and messengers are able to increase our perception of their trustworthiness
by admitting drawbacks and weaknesses about the things they're talking
about. They signal that kind of weakness. And as a result, we make some sort of inference that the
very next thing they're going to say is more truthful, more trustworthy. So that's an interesting
one to me. But what's particularly interesting is this idea that I do think that we often fall into the trap of confusing
trustworthiness with truthfulness. They're clearly not the same thing. And we found in
the research, Mike, situations where messengers can actually lie outwardly to an audience,
and their trustworthiness levels to certain groups actually goes up in those instances.
So we do confuse those two.
If you know some of this stuff, if you know any of this stuff,
does it help you overcome it or it just is what it is?
It's a really good question.
The answer I'd like to give is that knowing more about these traits
will defend you all of the time. But I can't really give that as an answer because the fact
is, you know, we are, you know, so overwhelmed with information that a lot of this, you know,
a lot of these traits are, you know, we rely on them so much that we often don't notice
them. So I'd like to think that, you know, if you, you know, read a little bit more about these
traits, perhaps read the book or even do the test and find out what type of messenger you are,
you can defend yourself. But I'm skeptical that you're going to be able to defend yourself all
of the time. But knowing a little bit about these traits, a little more about these traits and how they operate and how we often fall foul
of certain messengers in society, I think that's got to be a good thing overall.
So we draw conclusions, we make assumptions, judgments about people based on just one of these
single traits?
Based on a single trait. As a result of seeing that trait,
we start to think, well, there's probably lots of other things
I don't like about this person or wouldn't believe about this person.
So, you know, a classic example, when we meet someone,
maybe in a cocktail party or at, you know, a conference,
and we come to learn that the person we've just met
knows someone that we also know, and we like that
person, it's very easy then to think, well, because this person knows someone that I like,
this person's probably likable too. So you've got that kind of halo effect that's actually going on.
And of course, that also works in reverse. We might meet someone at a cocktail party,
find that we have someone in common that we dislike, that I dislike, it's very easy for me then to make some inference that I dislike this person.
So not only are we using these traits in a singular way to determine who we should listen
to or not, once we see one of them, it's very easy for us to then start to make all sorts
of inferences about other things about them as well that have nothing to do with that initial trait.
That's the really interesting and surprising thing here.
Well, as soon as you said that, it just makes all the sense in the world
because, yeah, if I meet somebody and we both know Bob,
well, now I like you better because you know somebody I know.
And I like Bob and you like Bob, so now I like you better because you know somebody I know and I
like Bob and you like Bob so I must like you. Yeah but if you dislike Bob? I don't
like you much either. I don't know you don't like me much either, exactly. So how
can you, if you can, how can you take this knowledge that you have and then become
more appealing, more attractive, more trustworthy? How do you do that?
Some of these traits are innate. So it's kind of quite difficult to make yourself considerably
more physically attractive. Dominance, which is another one of the hard traits,
seems to be a dispositional personality trait.
But there are certain things that we can do that increase and, importantly, increase in a,
you know, a legitimate way. You know, so it's not about, you know, pulling the wool over people's
eyes and unethically manipulating people. But there are certain things that we can do. So
it's possible, for example, to become more charismatic. There are certain things that you can do. There's
training you can undertake to become more charismatic. And we know from the research
that charismatic messengers are more inclined to be listened to.
There are things we can do to ensure that our competence is properly signaled. You know, I did a study in London a few years ago where we got real estate agents to arrange for their expertise to be introduced before they spoke to a client rather than them talking about their expertise to the client directly.
So it's pretty hard to be, you know, in a position where you say, well, I'm an expert.
This is why you should listen to me. But if someone else does it, then that seems to be in a position where you say, well, I'm an expert. This is why you should listen to me.
But if someone else does it, then that seems to be fine.
That elevates people's perception of your competence and your trustworthiness.
So there are certain things that we can do.
But I think it's also important in balance to also point out that there are certain things
that are just inbuilt here. You know, dominance, for example, as I said, is largely
an innate characteristic attractiveness too. And when you meet somebody or you watch somebody and
you see somebody and one of those things grabs you, one of those eight things grabs you,
is that your anchor now? Is that, that is now who I think this
person is? And is it hard to move from that? That's exactly what's happening there, Mike. Yeah.
Because in that short period of time, when you meet someone, you want to be in a situation where
you can say, is this person on my side? Am I going to benefit from knowing this person should I be listening?
To them are they a threat to me?
You know does it make sense for me to listen to them to follow their advice to engage with them?
These are really really difficult questions to answer and so we will use one or other of these traits to very very quickly
often within milliseconds decide
Whether or not I listen or whether I ignore.
So it sounds like, from what you're saying, that when we are trying to make an impression,
make a presentation, make ourselves likable, whatever, it isn't really who you are,
it isn't what you say, It's how you're perceived.
It is. It's all about perception. You're exactly right.
There's lots of examples we found, both in the book and in the research, where it's the perception of a characteristic that's actually carried sway. Here's one bizarre example. There was a report in an American
hospital where an individual patient who was complaining of a painful ear, a middle ear
infection this patient had. And so the nurse called the duty doctor. The doctor came and
examined the patient, saw that the patient had an inflamed middle
ear and prescribed some anti-inflammatory eardrops.
And you think, okay, there's nothing strange about that whatsoever.
Seems like a perfectly rational course of treatment.
Except the doctor then on the prescription pad, instead of writing fully, place three drops in the patient's ear, abbreviated the word right.
And the abbreviation in medical terms for the word right is simply the letter R, capital letter R.
So the prescription pad now reads, place three drops in patient's R ear or rear.
That makes no sense whatsoever. But this is a doctor, and the doctor
is a competent messenger. That's what we're trained to believe. They even have the stethoscope and
the white coat to prove it. And so that's exactly what the nurse does. The nurse perceives that to be the right thing and, you know,
asks the patients to basically adopt the position and administers these drops.
It makes no sense whatsoever, except when you consider it in the context of these messenger effects.
When a competent messenger or someone perceived to be competent speaks,
what would otherwise make no sense
whatsoever, you know, suddenly becomes something that might need to be paid attention to. So,
so you're exactly right. It's, it's about perceived traits. They don't necessarily
have to be real. We just spot them and we act accordingly. Well, it's so interesting because
I think we like to think that it's our message
that is most important, that if we have a strong message, people will believe us, listen to us.
And clearly there's so much more to it than that. Stephen Martin has been my guest. He is a visiting
professor of behavioral science at Columbia University, and his book is called Messengers,
Who We Listen To, Who We Don't, and Why. And
there's a link to his book in the show notes. Thanks for joining me, Stephen.
Thanks, Mike.
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People who listen to Something You Should Know are curious about the world, looking to hear new ideas and perspectives.
So I want to tell you about a podcast that is full of new ideas and perspectives, and one I've started listening to called Intelligence Squared.
It's the podcast where great minds meet.
Listen in for some great talks on science, tech, politics, creativity, wellness, and
a lot more.
A couple of recent examples, Mustafa Suleiman, the CEO of Microsoft AI,
discussing the future of technology. That's pretty cool.
And writer, podcaster, and filmmaker John Ronson,
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Intelligence Squared is the kind of podcast that gets you thinking a little more openly about the important conversations going on today.
Being curious, you're probably just the type of person
Intelligence Squared is meant for.
Check out Intelligence Squared
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I bet there is something you've always said you want to do, something you've wanted to accomplish,
but for whatever reason, it never seems to get done.
Which is interesting when you think about it, because why would you tell yourself,
this is something I want to do, and then never do it?
Yet, I suspect we've all done that.
Here to discuss why we do that and offer some
advice on how to finally get it done, whatever it is, is Charlie Gilkey. He's the founder of
Productive Flourishing, which is a website that helps people start finishing the things that
matter to them. He's author of the book, Start Finishing, How to Go from Idea to Done. Hey,
Charlie, so what's going on here?
Why do you think this is such a universal experience?
Why are we not doing the things we say we want to do?
I think we all have a metaphorical or physical drawer where we put stuff we really care about
and we don't return to it.
And the counterintuitive thing about it is a lot of times the things that matter the
most to us are the things we're most afraid of doing.
Well, why is that? Why would you be afraid of doing something that you want to do?
It's very closely tied to our identity, or at least we make it about our identity.
So if we fail at it, then what does that say about us, Mike?
Like we so closely tie our identity and who we are in the world with the outcome of the thing.
And so we're afraid of the case that the project might fail because it says something about us as
people. Now, contrast that with things like taking the garbage out or changing the dirty laundry or
things like that. Like no one has a mini existential crisis about that. We just do it or we don't do it.
But there's this really meaningful work that we continue to put off precisely because we're afraid
of like, what if it doesn't work? And we're also afraid of if it does work, which is also odd,
because many of us have stories that if we're successful with the thing, then we're going to
harm people or it's going to wreck our relationships. Or that,
you know, we have some version of the success versus virtue myth. We see those in like the
starving artist myths and things like that. Or for some of us, it's if we do it well this time,
what if we're not able to do it again? What if we're not able to live up to that first success
and then we fail after and we fall really far? So it's a really weird thing with this type of work, Mike, because we're afraid of failure and we're afraid of
success. So we shoot for the middle to where we neither really fail nor neither really succeed.
But some people do it. Some people go for the gusto and they accomplish what they set out to
accomplish. So what's the difference? I think part of the difference is comes more down to courage than it does like competencies.
It's not the amount of degrees or not the amount of letters behind your name.
It's about whether you're going to show up and, you know, sometimes be vulnerable, sometimes risk failure to get it done. But I think also it's people realize that living a life where they're always
putting what matters off to them, even if they fail at doing the things is worse than trying
some things and failing. So what's the approach then? What do you, I think everybody could listen
to what you described and say, yeah, I've been there or I'm there now. So how do you
get out of that place? I think we first want to talk about the gap that's between the stories we
tell ourselves about the lives that we want to live and the day-to-day reality that we actually
live. So we think that we're going to be, if you're a writer, you think that you're going to
be that person that sits down and writes the books and get them out the door. If you're a podcaster,
you know, you think you're going to have the show or if you think you're going to be that person that sits down and writes the books and get them out the door. If you're a podcaster, you know, you think you're going to have the show.
Or if you think you're going to be a really powerful manager or really powerful leader, that it's going to look a certain way.
But then we show up and it's all of the daily firefight.
It's all the daily firefights, the daily challenges, the commutes, and just the stuff that seems to not be nearly close to that vision that we have for ourselves.
And I think everybody knows that. You think, okay, so I'm going to do this big thing,
but then life gets in the way.
Life does get in the way. And like I was saying, in that gap, in that distance between that vision that you have for your best self and your day-to-day reality are five different things. And
these are universal things, Mike, that show up in different ways for different people. So they
are one, competing priorities. We want to do X and we want to do Y, but we can't do both X and Y and
we get stuck, right? The second one is head trash, which is just the label that I have for all the
stories, the self-limiting beliefs, the cultural baggage we pick up that tell us who we could be, who we
shouldn't be, what we should do, so on and so forth. The third is no realistic plan. All three
of those words are super important. No plan and a plan that's not realistic can keep us from
getting that. The fourth is too few resources of whatever type. It could be the story, if I had
more money, then I would do it, but I don't have the money, so I can't do it. If I had more time, then I'd be able to do it. Or
if I had the right connections, if I had the right something, you're always missing something. And if
we had that something, then we'd get to our best work, which is that what I call that work that
really calls to us to do. And then the fifth one is poor team alignment. And by team, I don't just
mean your work team. I mean the people in your life, your partner, your family, your friends, your community that help power your work and go
that forward. Like if we don't really set a strong vision for ourselves and articulate that with the
people around us, it's no wonder why people aren't helping us and sometimes getting in the way.
So those five things show up. And to get clear about how people do it is I think they start intuitively working through those different things.
They start figuring out what their priorities are.
They start figuring out that head trash that's keeping them from taking those bold next moves.
They start making a plan.
They use what they have to get what they need.
And they get the people around them aligned to help them get where they're trying to go.
This all sounds good, but where do you start? How do you begin when you hear yourself in the description that you've
made and think, okay, well, yeah, all right, let's fix this. Where's the starting point?
I want to start counterintuitively for many people. For many people, they'll choose to do
some of the easier things first and build up some momentum and then start tackling some of the harder things, the bigger, bolder dreams. And I actually want to reverse it
and start with that idea that's nagging at them. And in conversations with people, I've been doing
this for a decade and some change. Everyone's got that thing that they're hiding away.
There's always something to really pull that to the forefront. And the first thing with that is to really figure out why it matters.
And not just from a sort of cognitive thing.
I think a lot of us go to start thinking about the project
and start thinking in sort of very lofty cerebral ways.
But I want it to tug.
I want people to figure out what will happen if they don't do it.
Where's the pain and that sense of regret and longing?
And if you can't find that with your project, it actually doesn't matter to you as much as
you think it does. So find that thing where you can really feel that sense of pain, regret,
or frustration if you don't see it forward. And then it's starting to break it down into smaller
parts. It's kind of like that closet of doom that some of us will have where we just
keep piling stuff in the closet and it gets so overwhelming to even open the door to start to
look at anything that we don't even want to open the door. And the problem is, is we've made the
closet this insurmountable thing, but any of us can open the door and pull one thing out.
And just because we've chunked it down and we've made it accessible. And so I would think that's,
that's the first place to start is find something that truly matters to you and then break it down into something that you can start moving on in the next week or two.
And I'm going to be very specific here.
Think about a chunk of the project that you can get done in two hours.
Why two hours?
Two hours is long enough for you to make some meaningful progress.
It's findable in your schedule somewhere. We all have two hours somewhere in a week. And third, it's not so long and so onerous that we can continue to put it off're talking about of they have something they say they want to do, but they never do it.
And that maybe they don't really want to do it.
Maybe it's more of a wish than it is a goal.
That it's just, yeah, wouldn't it be nice if I wrote the great American novel?
But there's really no intention of ever really doing it.
Yeah, I agree with you. And that's where I want people to be super clear about the difference
between an aspiration and a priority. We can have all the aspirations we want. We're not going to do
a lot of them, and that's fine. And there are things that really truly matter to us. And I
follow Gandhi's sort of quote that action expresses priority, which is super painful for a lot of people, Mike.
Because when you look over the last two weeks or you look over the last month and you look at your schedule, those are your priorities.
Whatever's on there is actually what you're doing.
And if you want to do something different, it's not just about having a different item on the bucket list.
It's not just about, you know, wishing and
ideating about it. It's about changing your schedule so that whatever you're wanting to do
shows up somewhere on that schedule, whether you plan it out or whether you can look and say,
you know what, I spent two hours on Saturday working on it. The other thing that I would say
is like, it's all right to not to have these things that other people want or that we picked
up from our culture, not be a priority. If it doesn't matter to you, like honor that. There are other things to do. And I'm going
to be, I'm going to pause here because I think a lot of parents and caregivers don't really
acknowledge how much a priority it is and how big of a project it is to raise kids and care for
elders and care for, you know, siblings or whoever they're
caring for, those end up being their priorities through action and then sometimes word. But when
they make plans for themselves, unfortunately, I see a lot of them like not really honoring how
much time, energy and attention that takes, which makes me think. One thing that I really want people
to think about is that in my language, a project is anything that requires time, energy, and attention.
And anything, anything that requires time, energy, and attention.
So caregiving, moving across the United States, getting a degree, whatever.
There are all these things that happen in our personal lives that we think they're in the background, but they're in the
foreground when we look at how much time, energy, and attention it's taken. And the benefit of
thinking about it that way, Mike, is that one, we can accept that we're doing a lot more than
we're giving ourselves credit for. And two, it helps debug that head trash of us not getting
things done. Like we're just not productive.
Very rarely is that actually the case. What's actually the case is we have a lot of this stuff of life that are projects that are taking the time, energy, and attention that's displacing
the amount of time, energy, and attention we can put on other projects.
Yeah, well, I'm sure that's true in a lot of cases. But often when I think when people
say, you know, if only I had more time, I just need more time, I could get more of the important
things done. When in fact, if they were to examine how they're spending their time, there probably
is time in the day to get to those things if they prioritize differently. But the fallback position is that I just need more time. I don't
have enough time. People say that, but then they get a full day and squander it, right? Or they
get a full week and squander it. And partially it's because the story is exactly as you said,
if I had more time, like that's my problem. It's just time. But then when it's this work that
really matters to them, they have the time, but then they don't have the courage or they don't have the clarity about what
they want to work on or they haven't chosen something that actually matters to them.
And so they use that time and they squander it. The second thing is because we're so over
committed generally, the first thing we do when we get some time is sleep or rest or do nothing
just because we're tired. And that's completely normal. And I actually encourage people to do that. It's like,
maybe your project that you do on this time off is actually just recover, actually take care of
yourself, get some sleep, read that book, sit by the pool. Like that counts as a project to me.
And I, because again, requires time, energy, and attention. And maybe it's not just about this continual push to do
more and achieve more and succeed more and push more, as opposed to, you know, say, I'm in this
human body that's tired and worn out. For the next three, four days, I need to sleep, I need to get
in a hot tub, I need to do nothing just to recharge so that I can go back to this life that I live.
So when it does come to the big project, though, the thing that you've always wanted to do that you haven't gotten to the great American novel, whatever it is that you say you want to do,
but you don't get to, where, if you have some advice, where do you get the motivation to do that?
There are two different ways to find motivation. Well, there are multiple ways, but there are two obvious ways for our conversation.
One is to find motivation about the outcome. And that's a very valid way of doing it. You want the
goal or you want the outcome of it, so you're willing to do it. And a lot of times when we're
getting started with a new project or we're getting started with a new habit, we have to
focus on the outcome. So I'll stick on going to the gym and working out, right? If you haven't been doing it for a while, the first few times going to the gym are not
pleasant, right? There's not a whole lot of process joy and going and sweating and feeling
out of shape and all the stories that you have around that. But the outcome is worth it to you,
so you can make yourself do it. There comes a certain point, though, to where we can look at
the opposite side of it, where we can find the things that actually light us up or make us come alive while we're doing it. Now, I want to
be clear here. A lot of the things that make, that light us up and make us, you know, come alive may
not be the like things that make us feel happy in that moment. Um, so in this particular conversation,
um, you know, though I'm having fun or though, though it's joyful for me in a way, I'm also nervous, right?
I could have phoned it in and not done this today.
But there's enough of the joy, there's enough of the motivation about the process itself I've done is that it's we don't need a productivity system.
We don't need accountability buddies.
And we don't really procrastinate about eating ice cream, right?
Or your favorite dessert.
It's there in front of you.
You do it.
We actually need the system to not do it.
There's a little bit of insight in there.
It's like if you're really dreading to do something or if you're procrastinating and
you're not getting to doing something, one of the reasons you might be procrastinating
is fundamentally you don't either want the outcome and you don't like the process
of the thing that's in front of you. Then you get to have some conversations about how little you
need to do it or whether you need to do it at all. And I'm going to mention, or I'm going to roll
back to something you said earlier, in that sometimes we choose to do a project and we find it really doesn't matter to us. I think too few people really lean into the grace of just deleting a project or dropping a project that they decided to do three years ago.
Because whoever they were three years ago needed that project for a reason that they don't need now.
So maybe when you were looking for a job three years ago, you needed that degree.
But in the job you have now, you don't need that degree.
You got the job, right?
You don't want it anymore.
But, you know, we hang on to that internal commitment that we made to get the degree
or to do the thing when sometimes it's not really relevant for us anymore.
And so just giving ourselves the grace of looking at all of those aspirational projects
and being like, you know, that actually isn't relevant for me right now.
I don't need to do it. I don't want to do it. Just exit off. Don't pick it up.
Don't try to pull it out of the closet. Don't mess with it.
Just let it go and move on to the stuff that matters for you now.
One of the things that I've noticed in my own life and I'd like to get you to comment on is momentum and starting a project.
It does seem that any project, starting it is the hardest part. And
then if you can stick with it, the momentum tends to build. And momentum is just the cumulative
progress. It's the inertia of a project. And, you know, projects kind of follow the inertia of
physics. Like a project in motion, it's easier for it to remain in motion and a project that's stuck is easier to remain stuck. And I think because of some of the myths and
stories we tell ourselves about, if I had more time, I could work on it. We end up in this period
to where we'll work on it one week and then three weeks later, we'll pick it up again. And then
we'll work on a little bit and then we'll drop it for three weeks. And that is an incredibly
frustrating emotionally, um, experience, but it's also not very effective. It's a way better to take, you know, imagine that you
had that full day to work on and you slotted it to work, you know, every three weeks you're going
to work on a full day. Far better to take that same amount of time and find, you know, two hour
sessions for those three weeks and keep it moving every week, then to have those fits and starts partially because of just the ramp up time that it takes
to mentally and emotionally get back into that project and figure out where you were and what
you need to do next. And there's just a lot of inefficiencies in just that. And the other thing
that we forget is if we're playing the long game with our best work, it may not seem like much to be putting,
you know, two, three hours, excuse me, two or three blocks of two hours a week on a project.
But over 52 weeks, it's huge. It's more than what most people are doing, right? So when you look at
those people we want to be, a lot of times it is them spending six, eight hours a week spread out in
really focused time, pushing those projects forward and just sticking with it consistently.
Very few, at least that I've seen, very few writers and musicians have that sort of weekend
binge where they do all the work as opposed to they're always creating, they're always pushing
things forward. They're always working on things. And that's the beauty of it. It goes back to it's
on their schedule every day, every week, And that's how it's getting done.
Well, I think there's a lot of wisdom in what you've said, including cutting yourself some
slack when you don't get to everything because you can't get to everything. But when you do
have something important, some good ways to get to it and get it done. Charlie Gilkey has been my guest. He is the
founder of Productive Flourishing, which is a website that helps people start finishing things
that matter. And he is author of the book, Start Finishing, How to Go from Idea to Done. There's a
link to that book in the show notes. Thanks for being here, Charlie. Thanks a lot, Mike. Okay, who hasn't taken a drink straight from the milk
carton in the refrigerator? And while it may be convenient to do it at the time, it's actually
pretty gross how many germs it spreads, and it can actually make your milk spoil faster.
In a study, there were eight times the number of bacteria in the carton of milk that
had been drank from directly compared to the carton where the milk had been poured into cups,
and this was only 10 days after first drinking from the carton. Now, that bacteria won't
necessarily make you sick, but if you do have a cold or the flu, you could give it to somebody else who drinks that milk.
What that bacteria will do, however, is cause the milk to deteriorate faster and go bad.
So resist that straight from the carton swig and tell other people in the house to do the same.
And that is something you should know.
You know, one thing you could do that would really help us grow our
audience is tell someone you know about this podcast and suggest they give it a listen.
I'm Micah Ruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know.
Do you love Disney? Do you love top 10 lists? Then you are going to love our hit podcast,
Disney Countdown. I'm Megan, the Magical Millennial. And I'm the Dapper Danielle.
On every
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The parks, the movies, the music, the food, the lore. There is nothing we don't cover on our show.
We are famous for rabbit holes, Disney-themed games, and fun facts you didn't know you needed.
I had Danielle and Megan record some answers to seemingly meaningless questions.
I asked Danielle, what insect song is typically higher pitched in hotter temperatures and
lower pitched in cooler temperatures?
You got this.
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Don't believe that.
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Of course, I'm just a cicada.
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You win that one.
So if you're looking for a healthy dose of Disney magic, check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts.
Hi, this is Rob Benedict.
And I am Richard Spate.
We were both on a little show you might know called Supernatural.
It had a pretty good run.
15 seasons, 327 episodes.
And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times,
we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again.
And we can't do that alone.
So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride.
We've got writers, producers, composers, directors,
and we'll, of course, have some actors on as well,
including some certain guys that played
some certain pretty iconic brothers.
It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice
in the best way possible.
The note from Kripke was,
he's great, we love him, but we're looking for like
a really intelligent Duchovny type.
With 15 seasons to explore,
it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes.
So please join us and subscribe
to Supernatural then and now.