Something You Should Know - Why Building Muscles Matters - The Latest Dream Research & Mental Health First-Aid

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

A lot of people don’t bother taking a summer vacation. What’s maybe more surprising is that many who do take a vacation spend some of the time doing work! It’s more of a “work-cation.”  Listen as I reveal some facts and stats about vacations and work. https://www.foxbusiness.com/lifestyle/half-americans-work-while-vacation-feel-guilty-taking-one When people talk about “getting healthy”, they usually mean exercise, lose weight and eat better. While those are admirable goals, something is missing – building muscle and getting stronger. It’s clear that the older you get, and the more you “diet to lose weight” – the more muscle you lose, which can have serious negative effects on your health. And cardiovascular exercise does little to build muscle. The links between muscle and health are not well known by most people but you are about learn a lot about it from Dr. Gabrielle Lyon. She is a board certified physician in family medicine and author of the book Forever Strong: A New Science Based Strategy for Aging Well (https://amzn.to/4d5eW8X). Dreams are interesting. We all have them and they are often weird and unusual. Do they mean anything? When you look at the research, there is a lot of disagreement about what dreams are, why we have them and what they are good for. Here to shed some light on what we do and do not understand about the dreaming process is Melanie Gillespie Rosen. She is an assistant professor at Trent University in Canada and author of the book, Dreams: Brief Books about Big Ideas (https://amzn.to/4cBziqB) We could probably all use a few mental health strategies when life throws us a curve ball – or worse. Whether it is fighting with your inner critic or dealing with toxic family members or just finding the motivation to get through the day, it can all be a little overwhelming. Joining me with some practical help is Liz Kelly. Liz is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker and author of the book This Book is Cheaper Than Therapy: A No-Nonsense Guide to Improving Your Mental Health (https://amzn.to/3xPVYV6). Some commonly refrigerated foods should actually not be chilled at all. For these foods, refrigeration actually helps them spoil faster. What food are they? Listen and I will tell you. https://stilltasty.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Download June's Journey now on Android or iOS. Today on Something You Should Know, why a lot of people end up working while they're on vacation. Then some quick mental health strategies that really work, like dealing with your inner critic. Typically inner critics say things like, you're not enough, you are lazy, nobody likes you. Our inner critics can be incredibly mean. What I find so interesting is that we are so much harder on ourselves than we are to other people. For example, we would never treat a close friend the way our inner critic treats us. Also, why building muscle is

incredibly important to your health and longevity and some things about dreaming that you probably never knew. If I have an experience today about seeing my friend from ten years ago, I'm probably not going to dream about them tonight or tomorrow. I'm more likely to dream about them on the third night. All this today on Something You Should Know. This is an ad for BetterHelp. Welcome to the world. Please read your personal owner's manual thoroughly. In it, you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind. Thank you and have a nice life.

Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp Online Therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more. That's betterhelp.com. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hey, hi, welcome to Something You Should Know. You know, in the summer, people all over the world take vacations. And I know I've read and heard that people in the United States take fewer vacation days, I think, than pretty much anywhere else in the world. But here's something else

interesting. According to a 2023 survey, 68% of employees in the United States and Canada worked while they were on vacation. 86% of respondents to a survey said that they receive calls and messages from colleagues while they're away on vacation. And 63% said they feel anxious if they don't check their work-related messages. 59% of people said they struggle to switch off from work mode to vacation mode. Some of the reasons people say they work on vacation include meeting deadlines. 28% of people work to meet an important deadline that overlaps with their vacation. Expectations. 60% of people say their boss expects them to check

in while they're on vacation, and 55% feel pressure to respond while they're away. And 39% of people said they work on vacation because they like to. They like their job. And that is something you should know. Whenever people talk about living a healthier lifestyle, usually in that discussion is something about exercise and losing weight, getting rid of body fat. Usually in that discussion is something about exercise and losing weight, getting rid of body fat. And while that's often a good thing, losing weight,

there's another part of the equation that is often overlooked. You see, it's not just about losing fat, it's also about building muscle. Building muscle in your body has so many health benefits, yet most people don't understand them. Building muscle in your body has so many health benefits, yet most people don't understand them. Building muscle is not about building huge bodybuilder muscles.

That's almost impossible for the average person to do, even if they tried. Building muscle is a key factor in staying healthy and living a long and productive life. And the sooner you start, the better. As you're about to hear from Dr. Gabrielle Lyon. She is a board-certified family medicine physician who has been spreading the message about the importance of building and maintaining muscle. She's author of a book called Forever Strong, a new science-based strategy for aging well. Hey, doctor, welcome to Something You Should Know. Hi, thank you so much for having me.

So let's start by explaining why building muscle is so important and just about the whole skeletal muscle system in our body. Skeletal muscle, first of all, is actually the largest organ in the body. It's not the skin. People always say that skin is the largest organ. And one could imagine that if the largest organ, which is skeletal muscle, makes up the majority of your body weight, 40%, then you want that tissue healthy. And quite frankly, your health and wellness is directly related to the health and wellness of your skeletal muscle. And so if you want your skeletal muscle system to be healthy, it means to do what? What do you do to make it healthy? Resistance training. We often think about exercise and there's been this huge push over decades to focus on cardiovascular activity, but there is no replacement for resistance exercise. And resistance exercise is really moving your body against a force or moving it under load.

And that could be body weight. It could be resistance bands. It could be weightlifting. But regardless, one has to recognize that the key to the health of skeletal muscle is in training. And unfortunately, 50% of people don't exercise and 75% of people don't meet the requirement for the five days a week of 30 minutes of moderate to vigorous activity and two days a week of resistance training, which gives us a number that is roughly a little over 20% of people are doing the recommended kind of activities. And with those type of numbers, we are not setting ourselves up for aging well. I remember hearing, and I've mentioned this before because it stuck with me, that there was research that showed that a huge percentage of people who are in assisted living and in nursing homes are there not because they're sick, but because they can't function in daily life. They can't get up out of a chair by themselves. They can't unscrew the top of the peanut butter jar, those kinds of things. And that is because of a loss of muscle, that they've lost so much muscle, they can't live their lives.

Yeah, that's a really important point, is the idea that being able to walk up a flight of stairs, or if someone were to fall, getting up off the ground. And, you know, activities of daily living are the things that we take for granted in midlife. But if someone does not have healthy skeletal muscle, then they are going to be much less likely to be able to do the things that keep them independent. And independence is a critical factor. Healthy skeletal muscle is not sedentary, and sedentary muscle is a disease state in and of itself. And if someone wants to stay out of a nursing home, then you have to cultivate as much healthy skeletal muscle mass as you can for as long as you can. So from what you say and what

you write about, resistance training, the kind of exercise you need to help your muscles and to grow your muscles, is resistance training, which basically means pushing against a force. Weight training, basically. And here's where I think people get confused, because a lot of people have weights. They have little tiny three-pound weights at home, and they use those, but that's not what you're talking about. You're talking about something much more substantial. Machines that are like a leg press or some kind of full lower body activity,

some kind of a pulling motion, say a lat pull-down, some kind of a pushing motion. So making sure you're working every muscle group makes a lot of sense. And one can use and pick from a whole host of machines. I would say definitely a squat, a hinge, a push, a pull. Which basically means going to a gym or purchasing some piece of equipment that can accommodate those kind of exercises.

But beyond that, I think there's a real intimidation factor. The idea of lifting weights or using machines that have weights on them intimidates a lot of people. People talk themselves out of training rather than talk themselves into it. Here's what I mean by that. I have two very little children. I have a three and a five-year-old. One weighs close to 50 pounds and one weighs, you know, 35 pounds. I don't even think twice about lifting them up or putting them over my head. And we have to recognize that when we go into the gym though, many people would say, oh, you know, I can't pick up that 50 pound weight or that 30 pound weight. And the chances are that's probably not true. There is somewhat of a fear that people have to be able to push their bodies in a meaningful way. And we really have to dispel

that fear because it's exciting to know that we have control over how we age. And the most valuable thing that we can do for health and longevity is to exercise the organ of longevity, which of course is skeletal muscle. And one thing that you might not know, and most people are going to be very surprised by this fact, is that it's never too late to get stronger or put on muscle. It's never too late. So talk about, because you hear people talk about that, well, the problem is weight, that you need to lose weight rather than build muscle.

You never hear people talk about that. They talk about losing weight as if that is the problem and the solution is to weigh less. And you would say what? I would say what you're really looking for is body composition changing. People don't want to be a lower body weight version of themselves. Typically what, and I actually still see patients in my clinical practice, and when they come to me, they want to improve how they look. Yes, they want to weigh less and that becomes the verbalized goal. But what they're really asking

for is how do I improve the way I look in a bathing suit? How can I improve my energy? And the way in which you do that is you really focus on this concept of muscle-centric medicine. Everyone's heard about obesity medicine, and that's been around for quite some time. And the reality is we're only getting bigger. We're not getting slimmer. And when you go through periods of time focusing on losing, quote, weight, then you go through periods of weight cycling. And that's also known as yo-yo dieting that destroys muscle mass faster than anything well I've heard for the longest time I'm sure anybody who's gone on a weight loss diet has heard that that when you eat fewer calories

than you burn your body then turns to fat to burn that which is how you lose the fat but that it also burns muscle too that and that you have to be careful somehow not to lose the muscle while you lose the fat but i i certainly don't know what that formula is how do you lose fat without losing muscle so i worked on actually some of the first studies of their kind on this and what we found was that it's not very difficult to maintain the health of skeletal muscle and lose fat weight versus muscle. And the way in which you do that is very simple. It requires two things. It requires resistance training, which has a profound effect on the maintenance of skeletal muscle, and it requires dietary protein. Dietary protein

are things like chicken and lean beef and eggs and fish and whey protein and lean dairies. When you incorporate resistance training plus dietary protein, there is a tremendous body recomposition that happens. And it's meaningful. So address this concern people have, women primarily, I think, but even men, that I don't want to work out with weights, with heavy weights, because then I'll get all bulky and I'll look like a bodybuilder and I'll have these big unattractive muscles. Yeah. And listen, I am, to give you context, I'm five foot one and maybe 110 pounds. And I've been working for the last 20 plus years trying to get bulky. It is nearly impossible. It takes a lot of time and effort to do those things.

It's very difficult. The more we educate women in the general population how resistance training is non-negotiable, the more critical they'll see it and they'll understand that their body will change, but it's not going to get bulky. The other thing I see in a gym, in almost every gym I've been into, is that the people in there tend to be young. And it does seem that as people get older, maybe they're working out at home, but they stop coming. They, you know, the average age of a gym goer has got to be in his 30s. That is a very interesting concept.

I've never thought about that. I'm going to look into that, but you're absolutely correct. Because as you point out, you've got to maintain the muscle mass that you build, and the only way to maintain it is with resistance training, which for most people means going to a gym. But I just don't see a lot of those people once they get into their 50s, 60s, 70s. I don't see them at the gym. And the other thing I notice is when you do see people, older people working out at a gym, often in like classes and stuff,

they're not doing very much. I mean, they've got the little five pound weights, the three pound weights. And, you know, I'm sure they have to be careful because somebody in there could get injured and all, but they're not doing what you're talking about to really build muscle to be able to function in life when you get older. That is really, really amazing that you saw that, and that's right on. That is absolutely right on. So resistance training, weight training, pushing against and pulling against a force, and eating more protein, more dietary protein, will help build and maintain that muscle. And what else should people know about this?

Doing the first thing that everybody does, which is eat. And as you age, you actually require more protein, not less. So close to 0.7 to 1 gram per pound ideal body weight. And get a breakfast that is 30 to 50 grams of high quality protein, especially if you're aging and older, anything above 40. And the last meal of the day, between 30 and 50 grams of protein. This at the minimum will begin to protect skeletal muscle. And then setting a standard for yourself that you are doing resistance training three days a week and you start there. There does seem to be this knowledge gap. If you talk to people in the physical fitness business,

they know what you're talking about, but there is this general public perception, I think, that exercise means cardiovascular exercise. That's the only exercise you have to do. And clearly, from what you've said and what I've heard so many other people say is, resistance training is so important. I've been speaking with Dr. Gabrielle Lyon. She is a board certified physician in family medicine. And the name of her book is Forever Strong, a new science-based strategy for aging well. And there's a link to that book in the show notes. Doctor, thank you. Thanks for coming on and explaining this and spreading the word. Doctor, thank you. Thanks for coming on and explaining this and spreading the word.

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having me. This winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter Airlines. Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter fares include beer, wine, and snacks and free fast streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather.

Visit FlyPorter.com and actually enjoy economy. This episode is brought to you by Melissa and Doug. Wooden puzzles and building toys for problem solving and arts and crafts for creative thinking, Melissa and Doug makes toys that help kids take on the world because the way they play today shapes who they become tomorrow. Melissa and Doug, the play is pretend, the skills are real. Look for Melissa and Doug wherever you shop for toys. Dreaming while you sleep is a universal experience,

and yet the science of dreams seems a bit murky. It's hard to get answers to specific questions about the nature of dreams, the purpose of dreams. Do they mean anything? And if so, what? And why are they often so weird? But we are learning more and more about dreams, and here to share the very latest about what we know is Melanie Gillespie Rosen. She's an assistant professor at Trent University in Canada and author of the book Dreams, Brief Books About Big Ideas. Hi, Melanie. Welcome

to Something You Should Know. Hi. Why does it seem that we don't have a whole lot of information about dreaming? We have some, but we don't know a lot about it. Is it because we just don't know, or it's hard to study, or it hasn't been studied long, or what? Dream research is relatively recent. Well, dream research from a scientific perspective is relatively recent. So lucid dreaming, for example, the ability to realize that you're dreaming, it was disagreed upon whether that was actually a real

type of dreaming until around the late 70s, early 80s. So some people didn't think lucid dreams were a real thing. And even still today, when I talk to academics, some don't seem to realize that lucid dreams are something that actually happens. So empirical research on dreams is quite new compared to, say, research on memory or research on perception. And do we know why people dream? No. There's a lot of different theories about why people dream? No. There's a lot of different theories about why people dream, but you're going to love this answer. You have to question about what you mean by why first before you even start to answer the question of why we dream, right? So I suppose you're talking about in terms of an evolutionary theory of dreaming,

like why evolutionarily do we dream, but we can also ask why physiologically we dream. So how does the brain generate a dream? We could also ask, why did I dream about that last night? Why did my friend who I haven't seen in 20 years pop up in my dream last night? So all of these questions about why we dream are slightly different. But do we have good answers for any of those questions? So for the evolutionary question, I think no. And I'm not sure we ever will. I have my own preferred theory.

But that's a very interesting line of inquiry. But there's definitely no agreement there. There's a lot of disagreement. So tell me one thing about dreams or dreaming that people don't know, that we would find interesting or useful? If I have an experience today about seeing my friend from 10 years ago on social media, I'm probably not going to dream about them tonight or tomorrow. I'm more likely to dream about them on the third night from when you experience it. So there's this different probability that it will

be incorporated into my dream that increases over time up to a certain point and then decreases. So that's a phenomenon of dreaming that is empirically testable, and they're doing some research to confirm this. Why that happens, that's a story that we don't know so these are a lot of interesting things you can look into and investigate Which the answer to that isn't known but the phenomena is is kind of interesting that gives you some answer to Some kind of a physiological explanation as to why things might get incorporated. Do we know what a dream is? There is a lot of disagreement on that as well. I'm currently writing about that.

So the main arguments in philosophy seem to be that they're imagination, hallucination, or something else. So sui generis. Something what? So something not like anything else that we, sui generis. So something that not like we experience at all during waking that can't be compared with something. So they are their own thing, you could say. But in terms of like what's going on in your brain, is there any sense?

Is it just the brain's got to do something while you're asleep, so maybe it'll just occupy itself doing that? So we know that sleep is very important for neural processing, for memory processing, for cognitive processing. So the brain is doing a bunch of important things while you're asleep. Are these processes related to dreaming? Most likely. It's most likely that these processes are, for some reason, generating dreams. So are dreams themselves doing something like, oh, just keeping the brain active because we need to be conscious while we're asleep? Probably not because we're not probably conscious the whole time. So there are stages of sleep where we are unconscious. This isn't known for sure, but maybe about 50% of sleep is unconscious. So the brain doesn't have to be doing something,

but it's probably generating dreams in response to the processes that are very necessary for our survival well wait a minute when you say that we're 50 of the time we're unconscious when we're asleep i thought the definition of sleep is you're unconscious yes so depends what you mean by conscious. If your definition of conscious is that you have some kind of awareness or experience occurring that you can maybe later report, then half of the time we're asleep, we're probably not unconscious. So dreams are not unconscious. Most people agree, at least on that, that dreams are a conscious state. Why is it, I've always wondered, why it is that people have scary dreams or scare themselves in their dreams? It's your dream.

How are you able to scare yourself when you're the one the one creating the dream, but you as a rational, aware, conscious person is not creating the dream. Your unconscious brain is creating the dream. So your unconscious brain is generating things or is doing certain processes. And this is true when you're awake as well. Your brain is constantly doing stuff, only a small fraction of which you become aware of. So I don't know if this kind of experience happens to you as commonly as it does to me, but I'm walking down the street and a thought pops into my head and I think, oh, that was odd. So I get surprised by my thought. This happens to me quite regularly. And a similar thing just happens when you're dreaming.

So the fact that we can be surprised by dreams itself, I think, is not that surprising, considering we can be surprised by our thoughts when we're awake as well. Are there things people can do in terms of paying attention to their dreams or trying things when they go to sleep that has any effect? Or you just dream what you dream and you really can't drive the bus. The bus drives itself. things about your dreams, but it is difficult. So the easy, well, the most guaranteed, and this is no way a guarantee, way of affecting your dreams is to try to learn lucid dreaming, learning to realize that you're dreaming in a dream. And there's all sorts of techniques you can do to try to increase that. The easiest one you can probably do is just do a reality check when you're awake. So try to do that as many times as you can think to do it during the day. So a reality check is just pretty much you look around and you think, is this a dream? What would

it be like if it was a dream? Can I do things that I could only do in a dream? So you try to levitate your cell phone or you try to levitate yourself or try to explode a cloud or something with your mind. So try to do that while you're awake. And if you do that consistently throughout the day, that increases once giving a TEDx talk. And as part of the talk, these are talks that you have to memorize. Part of the talk, I gave people tips on how to become lucid. Because I was memorizing the talk, I had to go over and over and over multiple times a day, this how to become lucid techniques. And I had two lucid dreams that week, which might not seem like a lot, but naturally I have maybe one or two lucid dreams a year. So that significantly increased my lucid dream capacity. Of course, it was too much work to keep up.

I wasn't going to keep going over the speech multiple times a day for the rest of my life to increase my lucid dream count. But if you really want to increase a lucid dream, for a few days, try doing reality checks multiple times a day. You could even set a reminder on your phone. And once you become lucid, then you can attempt to do whatever you like. So you can attempt to fly. And I sometimes try to put my hand through my other hand, see if it'll kind of make it go through or put my hand into the table or step through a wall. So you can levitate things. You could maybe change the scenery.

That being said, even if you're lucid, it can be difficult to stay lucid and it can be difficult to control things so the scene may just not want you to do what it tells it to do because it's still being generated by your unconscious mind but now you're trying to consciously control it so what about dreaming do you find really fascinating that maybe people don't know or that you think people should know or that just something that's that that's really cool about this that that keeps you up at night and keeps you from dreaming? Yeah, so much interesting stuff about dreams. One of the things I always find interesting is the surprising things that our intuitions are wrong about with dreams. So we tend to think dreams are incredibly bizarre, but it turns out they're only bizarre

because those are the ones we remember. A lot of them are very mundane and boring. And the boring ones themselves as a philosopher are very interesting because how does the brain recreate boring experiences? Let's say you wake up in the dream you're like oh I have to get ready for the day and you start getting ready for the day and you don't realize it's a dream and if you if you wake up from this dream you might think oh I'm not sure if I was awake before that's really interesting not being able to determine whether you had just been dreaming a few minutes ago. Some of the really cool research that's coming out is communication, two-way communication between dreamers and scientists.

So the discovery that we can, well, there's been research on this particular effect for a while. That when you're dreaming, you're not completely shut off from the world. You can actually hear certain things. You can see things to a varying extent. Sometimes you can't, sometimes you can't. If someone puts a pressure cuff on your arm, you might feel that in the dream. And you can use these techniques to communicate with dreamers if they become lucid. So how the experiment might work is somebody trains up to become an expert lucid dreamer. These lucid dreamers can become lucid every night almost or multiple times a night. They become lucid. Their eyes are strapped up to an electrooculogram that senses your eye twitches and you flick your eyes back left right left right it's picked up as you're lucid then the researcher will play something in your headphones

and will ask you to do something so it will say what is two plus two and if you know the answer it's usually an easy question you'll flick your eyes back and forth one two three four you can do this very simple communication it used to be thought that there was no way to communicate with a dreamer or for them to communicate back. So as we find out more and more about dreams, the assumptions we had about dreaming are changing, which that in itself is quite fascinating. Are dreams interpretable? Meaning if you dream you're flying, that that must mean this. If you dream about spiders, that must mean that. I don't think there's any evidence for that. So you could ask, is there deeper symbolic meaning of the spider represents, you know, the eight parts of your life coming together.

I'm sorry, I'm making up something. This is completely not based on any dream interpretation stuff. So the answer is yes, dreams are interpretable, but in a very boring way. Are they symbolic? If so, not in a way that would be useful for gaining insight into your own psychology. But that's my very specific opinion, which a lot of people would disagree about. Yeah. Well, I hope one day we learn a lot more

about the science of dreaming and why we dream and all that. Because it doesn't seem like we know a whole lot, but what we do know is fascinating to talk about. I've been speaking with Melanie Gillespie-Rosen. She's an assistant professor at Trent University in Canada and author of the book, Dreams, Brief Books About Big Ideas.

And there's a link to her book in the show notes. Thanks for coming on today, Melanie. It was nice chatting with you. Whether in the game or in life, the right coverage can make all the difference. Securian Canada gives you that coverage. For more than 65 years, Securian Canada has been helping Canadians build secure tomorrows. Their insurance solutions are designed to help

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She is a psychotherapist, a clinical social worker, and author of the book, This Book is Cheaper Than Therapy, A No-Nonsense Guide to Improving Your Mental Health. Hi Liz, welcome to Something You Should Know. Thank you so much for having me today. So let's start by looking at our inner critic, that little voice that I suspect most of us have, that's constantly talking to you and telling you what you did wrong and how you could have done better and why did you say that, and that inner critic seems like a big issue. That's absolutely a big issue.

We all have an inner critic and our inner critic can be really harsh and really loud sometimes. And oftentimes it sounds like voices maybe from when we were growing up or like our bosses or parents or coaches or teachers or people in our lives who maybe weren't necessarily very supportive. And the reason we have an inner critic is because our brain is trying to protect us from things that are painful, things that might be embarrassing, or things that might lead to rejection. So ultimately, our inner critic isn't really trying to hurt us. What it's trying to do is to protect us from these painful situations. Our inner critic really wants to help us fit in and help us belong,

but it can be really misguided and it overcompensates. And really what we need to do is start to pay attention to what that inner critic is saying so that we can relate to it in a different way. I relate to my inner critic by giving my inner critic a name. And this helps me to put a little distance between myself and these negative thoughts. And I named my inner critic Nelson. So when my inner critic starts acting up, typically inner critics say things like, you're not enough. You're not working hard enough. You are lazy.

Nobody likes you. Our inner critics can be incredibly mean. So by giving my inner critic a name, I'm able to relate differently. I'm able to say things like, pipe down, Nelson. I'm doing the best I can. That's a great idea because that inner critic, which I imagine everyone has, so seldom says, God, you're just fabulous. You do such a great job.

This is just magic. It's never that. It's always, oh, you screwed this up again. Yeah, our inner critics are never going to be supportive and and what i find so interesting is that we are so much harder on ourselves than we are to other people for example we would never treat a close friend the way our inner critic treats us right inside our head have these, our inner critics saying these things that we would never say to somebody else. And why is that? I mean, is it, well,

it's probably what you had already said that it's just conditioning over time and stuff like that. But it does seem that, that that constant self-criticism is difficult because, you know, it's always playing in the background. It's hard to get away from it because it's always talking. Right. And one of the things we do in therapy is start to really identify what is the inner critic saying? What is that negative voice in your in your head saying? And once we can start to identify what these messages are, what our negative beliefs are, what these negative thoughts are, then we can start to shift these negative thoughts and beliefs into something that's more beneficial and more realistic and something that's going to actually help us.

So we hear an awful lot today about self-care. And I must confess, I'm not really sure what that means. I guess it could mean a lot of different things to different people, but what does it mean to you and what is it and why is it important? Great question. Self-care has been co-opted by capitalism to sell us a lot of things that we don't need, things like really expensive smoothies and fancy skincare routines, and really expensive workout classes. But in reality, I think of self care is as the things we need to do every day so that we can keep going and not just keep going and not just survive, but ultimately thrive. And self care isn't always exciting. It's not always sexy or fun, but it can look a lot like making doctor's appointments and making sure you get enough sleep and drinking water and eating regular meals, making a budget. These are the things that are

going to make your future self proud. Yeah, see, that's because people often think that self-care is to indulge yourself in whatever indulgence that you would do, but it doesn't really address the issue of kind of taking care of your life, which probably has better benefits than, you know, a facial or a smoothie. Exactly. If an action isn't going to make your future self proud, or if it's not going to benefit you tomorrow, and if it's going to lead to more stress in the long run, then it's not self-care. I would imagine if you ask people about their mental health issues, the problems that they have in their life, a lot of them are the result of other people. There are other people in our life that are difficult, hard to get along with, and it's really the other people that are the cause of a lot of trouble. Absolutely. And you're so right. We can't control other people. We can't control what they say. We can't control their behavior or what they do. But what we can do is start to change how we

interact with them. And that's where this concept of healthy boundaries come into play. And healthy boundaries aren't about other people. It's not about punishing other people. It's not about controlling other people. It's about figuring out what do I need to do to protect my mental, emotional, and physical peace so that I can continue to have a relationship with this person in a way that's not going to be painful. And so typically, again, I know everybody's different, but how do you do that? If you're stuck in a rut with somebody, how do you break out of it? I would start by looking at what in particular is causing you irritability or stress or frustration or feelings of being overwhelmed or anger. When you have those feelings, that's a really good signal that something's got to give and something has to change. For example, if you have a sister that calls you every night at nine o'clock in the evening, and you're exhausted and you're tired and you've had a hard day at work,

you might start to feel really irritable that she's calling you. And it's not that you don't love your sister. It's not that you don't want to have a relationship with her, but this is really hard for you. So an example of setting a healthy boundary would be to have a relationship with her, but this is really hard for you. So an example of setting a healthy boundary would be to have a conversation with your sister and say, hey, I love talking with you, but I'm just not a night person. I would really love it if we could talk on Saturday or talk on the weekend or maybe in the morning. That way I can be energized and ready to talk. I would imagine it's fairly common for people to have that feeling that something's wrong. They're depressed or they're upset or they're cranky or whatever it is.

And they don't really know why. It's not because their sister is calling them at night. You can't put your finger on it. It's just this kind of general something's not right. If something's off with your mental health and you're not really sure where to start, my suggestion would be to focus on the basics. And the basics include sleep. It includes nutrition, moving your body, your work-life balance, your use of technology to really take a look at what are some of these small things that I can change. But doesn't it seem that you would know best because people come and talk to you that there are things that aren't quite right and nobody's really sure why.

You know, I'm getting plenty of sleep, I'm eating fine, but I'm having these thoughts or I'm doing something else that and I don't know why. That's very true. When you think about the world we live in, there are a lot of things that don't feel safe right now. There's financial insecurity, there's political tensions, and that's not anybody's fault. That's the world that we live in right now. And I think our task is to figure out how can I deal with the fact that I'm living in a world that doesn't feel safe and stable, but still be able to take care of myself, given this environment that we're in. But there is a tendency, I think, to compare yourself to other people. And you can always find other people who tackle life in this very seemingly confident, upbeat, they've got it all handled kind of way,

and maybe they don't really, but they just look that way, but they seem to have it better figured out than I do. And you wonder, well, what do they have? What is it that they are doing that they're able to approach life with much more optimism and go- it kind of attitude, whereas other people are feeling more victimized and whatnot? Well, I work with a lot of individuals. And so I can say for sure that nobody has it all together. We are all doing the best we can. We're all human. And nobody gets it right 100% of the time. And when you're looking at these other people who seem to have it all together, we really don't always know what's going on beneath the surface. They could be dealing with challenges too. And I would resist the urge to compare. Well, it seems that the people who

look like they have it all together are probably more resilient in the sense that, you know, they don't get knocked down. Or if they do get knocked down, they get back up and brush themselves off and move on. Whereas other people perhaps take it a little harder and don't bounce back as well. And they're just, you know, they're just more resilient. And I also think a really key part of resilience is embracing the yes and. So I used to take improv acting classes in Washington, D.C. And one of the things in our improv classes was this concept of yes and. And that basically meant that whatever your improv partner presented to you, you were going to take that and you were going to run with it. And the way that I translate that in the therapy world is that two opposite things can be true.

Yes, I can be grieving a really terrible loss. And I can be excited about my life moving forward. Both of those things can be true at the same time. So when we're able to embrace those things, we can move forward more easily and become more resilient. What you just said about loss, I mean, loss is inevitable. We're all going to lose people. We're going to lose pets, jobs. People suffer loss, and it seems to be something that people don't, many people don't suffer well, that loss can really knock you down, and some people don't get up. Loss can look like a lot of different things. Sometimes we think that loss just looks like the death of a person, and we experience grief only after somebody dies. But in reality, we are grieving so many different losses, especially considering the COVID-19 pandemic. So many things changed, working from home, the loss of our routine and structures, even moving from one life stage to the next, a breakup, the loss of any kind of a relationship,

the loss of a job. All of these things create grief. Anytime you have loss plus change, you're going to experience grief. And sometimes people don't realize that what they're feeling is grief and what they're experiencing is grief. And they're contending with a loss that maybe they're feeling is grief and what they're experiencing is grief. And they're contending with a loss that maybe they haven't even really identified. One thing people say and people hear in terms of coping with problems, psychological problems,

is what you just need to move on. You have to move on. We all just move on. So when I hear the phrase move on, I get the sense that you're putting it in the past. You're locking it up. You're not going to think about it again. But when I hear the phrase move forward, I think more of I'm integrating this loss into my life. This loss is I'm going to use this loss to create meaning in my life. And that's not to say that the loss was in the awful thing that happened, but the loss, or sorry, that's not to say that the meaning was found in the loss, but the meaning is found in how we're going to move forward in our lives.

So when people take care of their physical health, you know, they do certain things, which you've said also helps your mental health. You know, you eat right, you sleep, you exercise, you do all that thing. But there are things beyond the physical that like on a daily basis or a weekly basis, just some habits that kind of keep your mental health in tune. Absolutely. So one habit that I personally really like is gratitude. So writing down or even just thinking about things that you appreciate in your life. The other strategy that I like is thinking about your wins for the day or thinking about the things that you did that you're proud of and really giving yourself credit for that. Oftentimes, we're so focused on what's left on the to-do list, what we haven't done, that we haven't reflected on

what we've actually accomplished. What else? What other strategies do you find work for people just in kind of a first aid sort of way? So one concept that is a real game changer for myself personally and also for my clients is the practice of self-compassion. So many of us have been taught to really focus on self-esteem, but self-esteem is often rooted in external accomplishments. Things like getting a good grade on a test or getting that job or getting that raise or buying that car. And those things are great and it's great to enjoy those things and to celebrate those things. But self-esteem is unpredictable. It rises and falls with what's kind of going on in our environment. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about

really treating yourself like a friend. And it's treating yourself with kindness and with grace. And self-compassion can be there for you at the highest of highs, but the self-compassion can also be there for you when you're really feeling down and really feeling low. And it's this practice of treating yourself like you would treat a trusted friend. Well, somewhere in our discussion, I imagine everyone listening has heard at least one piece of advice or one thing they can relate to. So I really appreciate you coming on and discussing this. I've been talking with Liz Kelly. She's a psychotherapist and clinical social worker.

And the name of her book is This Book is Cheaper than Therapy, a No-Nonsense Guide to Improving Your Mental Health. And there's a link to that book in the show notes. Thank you, Liz. Mike, thank you so much for everything. It's so nice talking with you. Where do you keep your bread? I know a lot of people keep their bread in the fridge, thinking that will help it last longer and not go moldy. But according to this website stilltasty.com, you're better off keeping your bread in the cabinet.

Condensation and fluctuating temperatures in the refrigerator cause bread to dry out faster. The same is true for certain produce. Melons and oranges will actually spoil faster at cooler temperatures. That goes for tomatoes as well. They're better off on the kitchen counter than in the refrigerator. And if you're wondering about condiments, I know some people choose not to refrigerate things like ketchup and mustard,

even mayonnaise. But both Heinz and Hellman's recommend that you refrigerate those things after you open them for the best taste quality. And that is something you should know. We are always trying to grow our podcast, and really I

depend on you to help us do that, because word-of-mouth advertising is well, it's the best kind of advertising. grow our podcast. And really, I depend on you to help us do that because word of mouth advertising is, well, it's the best kind of advertising. And in podcasting in particular, people like recommendations. So I would appreciate it. And so would your friends who you recommend it to. I would appreciate it if you would recommend something you should know to your friends. And so they become listeners as well. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. designed to entertain and engage and, you know, possibly enrage you. And don't blame me. We dive deep into listeners' questions, offering advice that's funny, relatable, and real.

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