Something You Should Know - Why Relationships Go Bad and How to Fix Yours & A Better Way to Manage Email

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

Driving while texting, talking, eating or drinking can all distract you from paying attention to the road. So what about listening to the radio while driving? Is that a distraction? This episode begins with an exploration of that question that yields a surprising answer.https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/news/20130620/music-doesnt-hurt-driving-performance-study-suggests#1 So many relationships start off great and then end badly. So what is it that goes wrong? Here with some great insight into that and some unique solutions to improve your relationship is Mort Fertel. Mort is a relationship expert and creator of the “Marriage Fitness” program that has helped thousands of couples save their marriages. He is a frequent expert guest on television and author of the book Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love (https://amzn.to/2KrnNZc) To get Mort’s free report: 7 Secrets to Fix a Marriage go to www.MarriageMax.com   Next time you go on a job interview try to pick the day and time if you can. I’ll explain why it could make a huge difference and exactly what day and time to schedule it. https://lifehacker.com/the-best-time-to-schedule-a-job-interview-1738809779 You probably spend more time on email than you realize. A lot more! That’s why communications expert Dianna Booher is here to discuss the problem and more importantly, the solutions. Dianna is the author of the book, Faster Fewer Emails: Manage the Volume, Reduce The Stress Love the Results (https://amzn.to/2FkoVda) and she has some very powerful advice that will help you get a handle on your email so it stops running your life.  This Week’s Sponsors -American River Nutrition. Get your free copy of Dr. Barrie Tan’s book The Truth about Vitamin E at www.BarrieTan.com/something -Mighty Travels Premium. Get your 30 day free trial at www.MightyTravels.com/something  -Ancestry. For 20% off your Ancestry DNA Kit go to www.Ancestry.com/something  -Grove. Get a 3-piece cleaning set from Mrs. Meyer’s spring scents, a free 60-day VIP membership, and a surprise bonus gift just for you when you sign up and place an order of $20 or more at www.grove.co/something -Capital One. What's in your wallet? www.CapitalOne.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As a listener to Something You Should Know, I can only assume that you are someone who likes to learn about new and interesting things and bring more knowledge to work for you in your everyday life. I mean, that's kind of what Something You Should Know was all about. And so I want to invite you to listen to another podcast called TED Talks Daily. Now, you know about TED Talks, right? Many of the guests on Something You Should Know have done TED Talks. Well, you see, TED Talks Daily is a podcast that brings you a new TED Talk every weekday in less than 15 minutes. Join host Elise Hu.

She goes beyond the headlines so you can hear about the big ideas shaping our future. Learn about things like sustainable fashion, embracing your entrepreneurial spirit, the future of robotics, and so much more. Like I said, if you like this podcast, Something You Should Know, I'm pretty sure you're going to like TED Talks Daily. And you get TED Talks Daily wherever you get your podcasts. Today on Something You Should Know, does listening to the radio distract your driving like a cell phone does? Then why do so many marriages and relationships deteriorate? Well, there are a lot of reasons. One is what I call the three C's. Criticize, condemn, and complain. Almost everybody does it. Now I ask you,

has it ever worked? Have you ever criticized, condemned, or complained in your relationship and got the reaction that you were looking for? No. Also, there's a really good reason why you should go on your next job interview Tuesday at 10 30 in the morning and we have to do something about email. 42 percent this is hard to believe 42 percent of people spend three or more hours a day. That's almost half of the population that's spending that kind of time so it's a huge productivity problem. All this today on Something You Should Know. Since I host a podcast it's pretty common for me to be asked to recommend a podcast. And I tell people, if you like Something You Should Know, you're going to like The Jordan Harbinger Show.

Every episode is a conversation with a fascinating guest. Of course, a lot of podcasts are conversations with guests, but Jordan does it better than most. Recently, he had a fascinating conversation with a British woman who was recruited and radicalized by ISIS and went to prison for three years. She now works to raise awareness on this issue. It's a great conversation. And he spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill about how taking birth control not only prevents pregnancy, it can influence a woman's partner preferences, career choices, and overall behavior due to the hormonal changes it causes. Apple named The Jordan Harbinger Show one of the best podcasts a few years back,

and in a nutshell, the show is aimed at making you a better, more informed, critical thinker. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show. There's so much for you in this podcast. The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life.

Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. Hi, welcome to Something You Should Know. We do this every week, twice a week, have been for almost three years now. And we start today with distracted driving. There's a lot of concern about distracted driving, particularly with cell phone use, but also eating and talking to other people in the car. All those things can distract you from driving your car. So you might think that listening to the radio would also be a distraction, but it turns out it's just the opposite. A study found that listening to music while you drive can actually enhance your driving performance. Researchers tested a group of drivers with and without music, and those who

had the radio on actually had faster response times to sudden changes on their simulated course. There is a catch, though. No changing stations. It turns out that the process of changing stations, of switching your focus to the radio and switching stations, actually can distract you from your driving. And that is something you should know. I'm sure you've seen it, and perhaps even lived it. It is the seemingly inevitable path of many marriages and long-term relationships. They start out great, but then over time, something happens.

And after a while, things aren't so great anymore. There are conflicts and resentment and distance and a host of other things that can go wrong. So what is it that happens that causes this? Why does this seem to be such a common occurrence? People become a couple because they're attracted to each other, they love each other, and they want to be together. Here with some excellent insight and some solutions is Mort Fertel. Mort is a leading authority on the psychology of relationships

and has a global reputation for saving a lot of marriages. He's frequently featured on ABC, NBC, PBS, Fox News on the subject of relationships, and he's the author of a book called Marriage Fitness, Four Steps to Building and Maintaining Phenomenal Love. Hi, Mort, welcome. Thank you. So I'm sure every marriage is different and has its own

set of challenges and problems and its unique individuals and all, but just speaking in general terms, what is it that goes wrong so often? What is it that takes people down that path that makes it so hard to fix? You know, I read a report recently that said that the average fiance, the average engaged person spends over 500 hours preparing for their wedding. And how much time they spend preparing for their marriage? Zero. And that's what happens is the wedding goes off great because we spent all this time and energy thinking about it, planning every detail, making sure the colors match,

making sure everybody knows where they're going to be. But we succeed in things because we focus on them, because we learn how to do them, because we're intentional about what we're doing. That's why weddings are so wonderful. Marriages are not so wonderful because we're not so intentional. We're not really focused on, by the way, how do we do this thing called marriage? And so, not surprisingly, it falls apart. So it's just a rule in life. What we invest in and focus on is what we're successful with.

Well, what you said a moment ago, that people spend a lot of time on their wedding, not so much time on their marriage, and that's where things go wrong. But I think that part of the problem is, even if you are to spend the time on your marriage, I mean, if you said, Mike, spend more time on quantum physics, well, I could spend all the time in the world

based on what I know about quantum physics. Well, I could spend all the time in the world based on what I know about quantum physics, and I would be no better a quantum physicist than I am now, because I wouldn't know what to think about and what to do, and I think that is the case with a lot of marriages. That's right. And that's part of what people should be doing is understanding that you're right. There's really two pieces. There's first appreciating that we're not going to succeed in something unless we invest time and energy into it. And then the second thing is even if you're ready to invest time and energy into it, you can have the best work ethic in the world. But if you don't know what you're doing, if you don't have the right directions,

if you're not working from the right manual, then sure, you're going to fail. You'll fail valiantly. You'll have failed, tried hard, but you're going to fail. There's a phrase that often we hear, love is a mystery. It's cute, but it's a lie.

Love is not a mystery. There really are principles and practices that drive the success of a marriage. And if you understand them and adhere to them, then you're much more likely to be successful. If you're oblivious to them and violate them, then your marriage will be destroyed. So what are they? Let's talk about them. What are some of the big principles of a successful marriage? One is what I call the three C's. Criticize, condemn, and complain. Almost everybody does it. Now I ask you, has it ever worked? Have you ever criticized, condemned, or complained in your relationship and got the reaction that you were looking for?

Accomplished the objective you were trying to achieve? No, it doesn't work. It's a law of relationships that when you criticize, condemn, and complain, it only infuses more negativity into the relationship. The person gets defensive. It's not productive. It's destructive. And so it's helpful as much as we have this impulse to criticize, condemn, or complain, it's helpful to understand that it is a violation of the laws of relationships. It doesn't work, and we have to stop. We have to refrain from the three Cs. Never, ever criticize, condemn, or complain.

Because if you do, it leads to a fourth C, which is cancer, cancer of the marriage. Isn't it interesting that criticizing, complaining, and condemning, as you say, never gets you the result you want, and yet it's so hard not to do it? You could look at it like this. This is a skill that defines one's maturity. Anybody that has children understands that children are inherently impulsive. They scream when they're angry. They clamor for food when they're hungry.

And they cry when they're upset. And children are impulsive. We expect that of children. That's inherent. But our job as parents is to nurture their maturity and help them emotionally mature, which means to control their impulses. You know, don't hit him. I don't care if he hits you. You know, and we're not going to have dessert first. We're going to have the meal first. Dessert comes later.

And this is, you know, the definition of emotional maturity is the ability to align one's actions and goals, not with our impulses, but with our goals and values. That's how you get a great life. So when you don't criticize and complain and condemn, you can't just not do that. You're going to have to do something else. You can't just create this void. So what do you do instead? Brilliant question.

It's a great question. It's a tremendous insight. So what do you do with that? Am I basically saying you're supposed to swallow it and just not do anything? No, of course. There are things that you can and should do. What you can do is you can express to your spouse your excitement and satisfaction about the last time they did it right. Whatever it is that you're looking to criticize, talk about how much it meant to you when they did it right. Try to find them doing it right during the course of the week. So just as a mundane example, you know, maybe you feel upset that every time after dinner, everybody disappears and you're left cleaning up and nobody ever helps. But really ever? Ever? Nobody ever helps? Is there ever a time when people help? Probably.

So you know what? Catch them doing it right and make a big deal out of it. Oh my gosh, thank you so much for helping. You have no idea how much that means to me. I love when you're in the kitchen with me helping. I love when it doesn't all fall on me. So when you make a big deal out of it, you're basically highlighting people's opportunity to be your hero. People, I want to be a good husband. Everybody wants to be a good husband, wants to be a good wife. I want to feel like a good husband. I want to feel like a good wife. But the problem is, it's not always so clear to me what I need to do in order to get that feeling when you make a big deal out of the things that i do right that's it that's a an easy clue for me

now i know what i have to do in order to get that feeling of being a good husband see it seems so simple when you say it when we talk talk about it like this, like, well, of course, well, everybody knows this. And yet in the heat of the battle, in the day-to-day experience, it's hard to do. But I don't want to dwell too much because I want to get to several of these in our time here. So let's, and I think we've nailed that one. So let's move on. Everybody knows that to have a successful marriage, you need a date night. And you've got to go out with your spouse and spend quality time at least once a week. How can you expect to have a meaningful, important, intense emotional relationship if you're not spending quality time one-on-one, not a social occasion, not a movie,

but real quality time with your spouse on a weekly basis? How can you expect to be successful? You can't. You've got to do it. In a sense, it's common sense, but it's not common practice. So what I do is I put it on my calendar, and I have that sacred time, and I have that time blocked aside. So when my staff goes into my calendar to schedule sessions and full-day intensives and meetings with this person, that time is unavailable. Nothing else could go in there.

It's sacred time and it comes up and the Google Calendar gives me a tickler, a reminder every single week and that same time is blocked off on my wife's calendar. And so it doesn't take so much. If we had to plan our date night every single week, it would never happen. The energy that it takes to actually initiate that date night, okay, what night do you want to do it, and where do you want to go, and who's going to babysit?

It's just too much. It's too much energy. But if you set it up once so that it's on autopilot and the time is already set aside and there's a repeated understanding that that's just for us and the babysitter automatically comes, et cetera, et cetera, then it's much more likely to happen. So my point is that some of this is about knowing what to do, and some of it is also about setting up your week so that it becomes easier to do what you want to do. I'm speaking with Mort Fertel. He is a relationship expert and creator of the Marriage Fitness Program.

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check out Disney Countdown wherever you get your podcasts. So, Mort, I know that gratitude is a big part of this and that you're a big proponent of working in gratitude into your relationship. You make sure that instead of catching your spouse doing something wrong today, everybody's an expert at catching their spouse doing something wrong. I remember I have all these private sessions with people, and I ask them, okay, so why are you here? What's wrong with your spouse? What's wrong with your marriage? And sometimes I'll even give them a pen and a pad,

and I'll say, could you make a list for me? And they'll be scribbling and scribbling and scribbling and turning the pages and writing more and turning the pages and writing more. And a lot of times I'm with both of them, and they're turning the pages and writing more. Okay, fine. Great, you got that. Okay. Now, do me a favor. Make a list of all the incredible qualities and blessings of your spouse, the wonderful things about your spouse and your marriage. And usually I get stares. They're done before they even start. Really? There's nothing? Of course, there's a lot, but they're not noticing. They're hyper-focused on the negative and at the exclusion of the things that are good. And one of the keys to a successful marriage is reversing that inclination,

being hyper-focused on the things that are good and positive and making a big deal out of them. Instead of catching your spouse doing something wrong, try to make a point every day, without exception, of catching them doing something right. And then after you catch them doing something right, make a big deal out of it. Because I could catch my wife doing something right, which makes me more appreciative, but it doesn't necessarily make her feel more appreciated, right? In order for her to feel more appreciated, I have to communicate my level of appreciation. So once again, a very simple thing, but how many people express gratitude and appreciation to their spouse on a daily basis?

And for those of you that are married, ask yourself this simple, honest question, and that is, what kind of difference would it make in the quality of my relationship if I were noticed every day and if my spouse felt noticed every day, I think that one change would cut the divorce rate in half. I know there are people, and maybe this is more men than women, or maybe not, I don't know, that the concern about marriage and one of the fears of marriage, and then when people get married, one of the things they are concerned about is their individuality, that they've become part of this team, part of this unit that is this couple, and yet they still want to do things that they've always liked to do.

They want to have their own interests, their own friends, their own life, as well as being part of this couple. Yeah, 100%. 100%. And of course, in a healthy marriage, there's room for that. But everything's relative. If a person has a healthy attitude or balance about that degree of individuality, then that individuality is not in conflict with that unit and that team in a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, in today's world, where everything is about me, and in general, people are clamoring for what I deserve and I want, want their way out of balance and their focus on me and my needs ends up coming at the sacrifice of

the team, the unit, the marriage. The irony is that people end up being miserable because they're alone. I mean, all the people that, you know, that can't wait to get divorced because they're in such a miserable marriage, it's kind of funny, you know, what are they doing the next day? They're on Match.com. Well, the grass is always greener when, you know, single people say they want to be married, and married people often look at those people with envy, thinking, God, the freedom, all the things you can do. And so it's always, the grass is always greener. What smart people realize is that, you know, the key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person. So another account at Match.com is not going to help me. The key to succeeding in marriage is becoming the right person.

If you become the kind of person who invests in your marriage and invests that time in intelligent ways, in other words, you learn these principles and practices that drive marital success, then you become the kind of husband or wife who generates a successful marriage. Let me put it to you, let me give it to you in statistical form. Everybody knows the divorce rate in first marriages is 50%. What most people don't know is that in second marriages it's 70%. And in third marriages it's 80 to 90%. Now that's not logical.

It should be the opposite. The divorce rate should be going down. I mean, these are people with practice. These are people with experience. These are people that know what they did wrong and no way am I ever going to make that mistake again. But they do. Over and over again.

Because, again, the key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person. It's becoming the right person. And it's learning to love the person you found. And so what you have in second and third marriages is a higher concentration of people who have denied responsibility, who have blamed their relationship on their spouse and never really learned how to succeed in this thing called marriage. And then I'm on the phone with people in private sessions on their third marriage,

and they're looking back at their life. They're seeing a whole history of relationship roadkill, and finally the light bulb goes on, because I helped them turn it on, and they realize the one thing all these marriages and relationships had in common was you. So, if someone's listening to you and you're saying all the right things, and they're thinking, yeah, okay, I get it, I get it, I have some work to do here, what do I do first? Where's the starting point here?

The key to succeeding in marriage is not luck. It is a skill. Just like succeeding in anything else. And so where I would recommend you start is learning how to perform that skill. You know, if we were standing at the foul line and you wanted to know how to sink the hoop, how to make a swish, how to get the ball in the hoop, you know, we could just throw the ball at the rim a hundred times and maybe it'd go fall in a couple of times, but we'd really be much better to get a coach, watch a YouTube video, read a book.

I mean, there is a way to shoot this shot, right? LeBron James has mastered it. That's why he is where he is, that there is a way to do it. It's not just that he's 6'6", and, you know, has practiced 10,000 hours. It's that he understands how to do it. You've got to keep your elbow in tight. You've got to follow through, whatever it is. I'm not a basketball pro.

But so the first step is to realize that there's a way to do it and seek out that knowledge. Whatever you wanted to do, if your house needed replacement windows, you know, and you didn't want to pay someone else to do it, you wanted to do it yourself thing, so you would go to Home Depot and you'd ask, how do I put these replacement windows in? Or you'd go to YouTube and you'd say, how do I, you know,

there's a way to do it. Everybody thinks that, you know, a relationship is just supposed to happen. And by the way, the reason for that is interesting, because in the beginning, it does just happen. To fall in love doesn't take any wisdom or skill. Any idiot can do it, and everybody does. There is a attitude, I think, a lot of married people have, that, you know, the marriage has run its course. We've grown apart. These things happen. It's time to move on.

And there isn't a lot of will to fix it, because, you know, there's like, you know, the expiration date. We're all done. If a person really understood some of what we're discussing here and realized that our relationship didn't just run its course, it's not just this abstract, ephemeral, who-knows-why-we-got-here, you know. Things don't work that way. There are, if you got to a bad place in your marriage,

I guarantee you, I could trace for you the patterns of behavior between you and your spouse that got you there. It's not just some abstract, you know, mysterious thing. You know, marriages change because people change. And if one understood that, then I think that's motivating. I think then a person could muster the will to do the work that it takes to reconcile the marriage because they would realize that there is hope and that it can be reconciled

and that I'm not going to do any better anywhere else unless I do that work anyway. Well, that's a hopeful message and some good advice to go along with it. I appreciate that. Mort Fertel has been my guest. He is creator of the Marriage Fitness Program. He is a leading authority on the psychology of relationships. He's author of the book Marriage Fitness, Four Steps to Building and Maintaining Phenomenal Love. And he has a free report for you called Seven Secrets to Fixing a Marriage,

which you can get at MarriageMax.com. That's MarriageMax.com. That link and a link to his book at Amazon are in the show notes. Thanks, Mort. You're very welcome. Hey, everyone. Join me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, for Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong?

Each week, we deliver four fun-filled shows. In Don't Blame Me, we tackle our listeners' dilemmas with hilariously honest advice. Then we have But Am I Wrong?, which is for the listeners that didn't take our advice. Plus, we share our hot takes on current events. Then tune in to see you next Tuesday for our Lister poll results from But Am I Wrong? And finally, wrap up your week with Fisting Friday, where we catch up

and talk all things pop culture. Listen to Don't Blame Me, But Am I Wrong? on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. As I'm sure you know,

dealing with email takes up a huge portion of the day for many people, me included. When you add it up, I bet you're spending several hours a day either checking for emails, reading them, writing them, deleting them, unsubscribing from them,

and every once in a while wishing you had never sent one that you already sent. As much as email helps and is a useful tool, it is a huge drain on time and energy. So how do we attack this problem and get a handle on email? Here to help is Diana Boer. Diana is one of the top communications experts around, and her latest book is called Faster, Fewer Emails. Manage the volume, reduce the stress, love the results. Hi, Diana. Thank you. It's great to be with you. So everybody has their own email stories and has their own email experience. But in a more global sense, how big a problem is this?

Right. When we did the survey with University of Northern Colorado, their social research lab did this survey for us. And they found that 42 percent, and this is hard to believe, 42 percent of people spend three or more hours a day. Now, that's not always on the job. Some of it is. But it's their business work that they're taking home. So that cuts into their time. After they put the kids to bed at night, they're going back and answering all this email. Sometimes it's midnight. So that's almost half of the population that's spending that kind of time. So it's a huge productivity problem. And is it just it is what it is and we have to deal

with all that email better? Or is there a way to get a better handle on this so it isn't taking so much time and you aren't getting 400 emails a day? There are a lot of ways to cut down. I think people have just fallen into some bad habits. They've just let, for example, one of those bad habits is letting their email box become their to-do list. And, you know, we used to not do that. If we didn't have email, you had either a paper calendar, you had, maybe people use their electronic calendar. But a lot of times people use it like it's their reminder. It's sticking in front of them. So they think, well, I can't do this today. I need to do this

next Wednesday, but I don't want to forget it. Or I can't decide this until I get some information. I'll take care of it tomorrow. And before long, they've got 12 emails in that box that they keep stumbling over. And every time they look at it, they think, oh, what was I supposed to do? Let's see. I was waiting on something something I forgot what it was and have to open it up and re-read it again yeah which which seems rather inefficient well not only do we have that bad habit of leaving things in we found that more than half of the people 55% check their email over and over hourly in other words they just leave it open,

and they're routinely checking it rather than the good habit, which is to check it two or three times a day. If you check it in the morning to see what came in overnight, check it maybe either before you go to lunch or after lunch, and then check it before you go home, maybe 30 minutes before you go home so you can take care of anything. That's the proper way that would save you time. But if you just leave it open, you're constantly being distracted. You can't

work on a core project because there it goes again, ding, ding, ding. And it just interrupts your train of thought. So 55% are doing their email that way. But another thing that survey turned up that was astounding to me, we asked how much of the email that you get is just totally irrelevant, needed, unnecessary. And we found that 34 percent, people estimated that 34 percent on average of the emails that come in, they don't need at all. And when we asked the follow-up question, which was, what do you mean by a needed or necessary? They said it's either irrelevant or it's a duplication. By irrelevant, they meant it doesn't apply to me. You know, I'm getting copied or blind copy or CC copy that I don't need. Somebody else already told me that information. Or that it's a duplication, like somebody's announcing a new employee coming and three other people told them that. Well, but how do you get people to stop

sending you emails other than, you know, block them? But how do you get them to stop sending you emails with information that other people have sent you? Generally, what's happening is people are sending you, they're not the owner of the news. So what we tell them is, if you let the owner of the news, give the news. If you're the boss, you're the vice president of this division, and you're announcing it, then you announce it. But we've all had what I call the Aunt Matilda of the family. You know, you go to the family reunion, and you're ready to say, hey, I got this great job in Singapore. I'm ready to go. And ain't Matilda's already told everybody. Or your parents and you're ready to announce so-and-so's getting married. We're all excited. And ain't Matilda's already told everybody. There are these people in the company who think it's

their job to spread the news about everything. They're sort of on this back channel. And you want to learn to not be that person, but not respond to all this back channel information that people are sending you rumors and whatever. If it comes from the official source, then respond to it. Then do what they're asking you to do. Then welcome that person, et cetera. What else did the survey find? Because getting 34% of your email as

basically unnecessary, I mean, I actually think mine is higher, but that may be the nature of the work I do. But for most people, that's a lot of wasted time. It is. It is. And another thing that really astounded me, that a little bit more than a fourth, 28%, said they had been scammed by email. There's much publicity that's out there about not clicking on links and making sure that you look at the domain, the URL, when somebody sends you an email and you think you know that person and you recognize where that's coming from, to think people don't check that now. As many articles and blogs and podcasts that we have about that,

people are still doing that. More than one in four said they have been scammed and given their credit card or had their email taken over by someone. That's still astounding. So I think you've pretty clearly defined the problem. And I think people have a sense of their own email problem. So let's talk about solutions. Where do you start to get control of this? I think the main thing that people could do, and do it really easily, is to go through the strategies for reducing the volume.

I mean, that's the first thing. Unsubscribe to those that are irrelevant to you that have outlived their usefulness. And I know that sounds like common sense, but a lot of people think, oh, I don't have time today. I have to roll down to the bottom, find that little bitty print that says unsubscribe. And then there's going to be something that comes up to the top that tells me to unsubscribe and then reconfirm that. And it'll be four clicks. It's just, I just need to delete right now. And they don't permanently get off those lists. And then they don't acknowledge. And what I mean by that was somebody sends you something and you don't say, I got it. And you don't have the information to reply for another two or three days. And so you get a reminder email and another reminder email. So sometimes we're just creating our own clutter.

And so the first thing I think you have to do is to think, how do I cut my volume? And once you do that, then you can move on to writing better emails and structuring them appropriately. And then you can move on to writing better emails and structuring them appropriately. And then you can move on to getting organized with the files and documents that you have. And then you can move on to safety and security issues. So you just sort of take it in stages and waves. Well, let's talk about writing better emails. What's a good email look like? Well, it has structure. Because if you think about it, writing is your thinking on the page. And I think it affects your credibility when you just do a brain dump.

And a lot of people write that way as they think. And they build a case. Once upon a time, this happened. And then she told me. And then we came into the meeting. And then she said. And then I did. And so now here, I want you to do so and so. And by the time they get to the end of it,

the reader may know the whole situation and what they're supposed to do, but they may not. Many times they get to the bottom and they think, so what? What are you asking me to do? And that's the wrong way to write an email. The way a good email is structured is what I call the made format, M-A-D-E. You'll have it made for about 90% of what you write if you structure it. It's like an acronym, message, action, details, and then evidence. And if you have it well structured, then any email can fall into that format and people know what they're supposed to take, what you're telling them to do, what action they're supposed to take, and then the details to support it. My sense is that long emails are a real problem,

just because people don't read them. It's hard to read a long email. So if your point is at the bottom of the email, a lot of people are never going to get your point. That's true. And now, particularly because people are reading most of their emails on the phone, and you have to put your message in the subject line, pretty much, because people prioritize right then. They go either read now, read later, delete, wait till I get back in the office to take action on this. So you have to be almost like a newspaper writer and put who the writer who puts their message like in a headline in the newspaper or online articles. You have to put your message and the action that you want and the deadline often in the heading, in your subject line of

email so people can decide to read now or read later. But they may not go any further. As you said, they may never even open the body of the document. And they should be able to do that. If you write well, they can do that. They can say, oh, that's the message and not even have to open it. What's a good subject line look like? I think people, for example, will put something like, a great idea for you. And I don't know, do I open that? Or is this just a bunch of baloney? What's a good subject line?

That's one of my pet peeves. I mean, you get them all the time that say something like, a quick question. Are you available Friday? And I want to say, for what? It depends. Or they'll say, following up. And I always want to think it will on what but but a good subject lines is something like stop work on the CRD coding glitch and step five I mean that that's a like a headline in a newspaper and it's a good headline

for a subject line or you could say available Friday at 1 for a call about licensing? It's a question, but it says the whole topic and the time and what you want and what action you're expecting. Well, it almost means that you don't need to put anything in the body of the email. I mean, that's pretty much, you've said it all right there. Right, right. And that's the point. And somebody reading on their cell phone, standing in line at the grocery store can say, yes, right back to you, or no, or Friday at four is better. That's the goal that you're aiming for. I've often had the experience, and so I stopped doing it, of asking people multiple questions in an email.

Because it seems almost invariably that people will answer the first question and maybe, maybe the second question if you're lucky, but nobody answers five questions in an email. They just don't. They don't. I'm glad you've noticed that because most people don't do that. They don't notice and they put all those questions in one big blob of a paragraph. So multi-messages, first of all, even when you're not asking questions, multi-message emails are a bad idea. But back to the question issue, if you're going to ask questions, at least enumerate them. Or if they're all very closely related, let's say you're talking about a trade show your company's going to, and you've got three questions about that trade show, at least number them and limit them. Try to put them together some way so that they're not, you know, a gazillion questions, 10 questions, because as you say, you're not

going to get answers to all those. What's the etiquette, do you think, on responding to an email? How long do you have? When should you call somebody and say, hey, I sent you an email two days ago and I haven't heard? Well, I think every different organization and individual sort of has an expectation. It runs differently in different companies, in different disciplines. For example, engineers working on a feasibility study may not get back to you for two days, three days. Salespeople generally respond in about three or four hours. And that's the expectation for their customers. So whatever the standard is in your functional area or in your organization, you want to know what it is, learn what it is.

And if you're the boss, make sure your people know what it is, what the expectation and live up to it. Otherwise, you get a reputation for being non-responsive. I know on the survey, that was another interesting piece of data. On the survey, when we asked what is your expectation for people getting back to you, people responded that they expected a response very, very quickly, like within four hours, more than half, 52% expected a response within four hours. But when they send something out, they thought it was totally acceptable for them to not respond to somebody else within 24 hours. So the expectation is very different. And I might add that 24% expected a response in one hour.

I remember hearing someone talk about this once and said something that I thought made a lot of sense, and that is that you tend to train people. In other words, if you do respond within three minutes of an email multiple times, people come to expect it, and then the next time when you don't, they think, well, why are you ignoring me? That we train people. And so this person that I was talking to said, that's why even if I can respond to an email right away, I don't. Because then that person's expectation is I always will. And I don't want them to think that. You know, you have a great point about training people. You train people on those expectations and you train people to ignore your emails. One of my pet peeves, again, is people who say this is the deadline.

I must have this document or this proposal in by this date. And evidently, a lot of people are not responding. So then you get this next email that says, we've extended the deadline for another week. You must have it in by this date. And then we're extending the deadline to such and such. And once they do that year after year after year for this certain conference, they have trained people. Never mind when we send you these things telling you you have to have these proposals in. We don't really mean it because they've set the expectation that they're always going to be extending the deadlines.

And that's true about response times or any kind of deadline that people set with their emails telling you you need to respond. I believe one of the biggest email problems, one of the biggest time wasters is the misuse and abuse of the reply all button. How many times have you gotten an email and you're one of 17 people who got the same email and then people start replying all good job, well done, look forward to it. It's such a waste of time. Those are all just meaningless comments. And they distract 17 other people who are getting a copy of this. So the principle here, of course, for the reader,

if you have nothing meaningful to say, don't say it. And distract 17 other people and fill their boxes with meaningless clutter. But if you're the writer, you can prevent that as well by saying, I'm sending in this report. If you have something to add or to later modify, reply to me directly. Or otherwise, no action is necessary. Well, I think that's really good advice. And I've heard that before, and it's something I try to do, that if I send an email out and I'm worried that people may

flood me with, okay, or got it, or well done, or good job, or I put in the email, no need to reply. And then they don't. And then that saves me seven emails that I have to wade through and read or delete or whatever. Diana Boer has been my guest. She is a communications expert and her book is called Faster, Fewer Emails. Manage the volume, reduce the stress, love the results. And there's a link to her book in the show notes. Thank you, Diana. Thank you. Thank you, Diana. Thank you. Thank you, Mike. I appreciate being on.

When you go on a job interview, you probably make sure everything is perfect. Your resume looks good. You're well-dressed. Your shoes are shined. Everything is perfect. But one thing you probably don't think about is the time of your interview. But it turns out that whether or not you ace that interview is not only about how you look and what your skills and abilities are, it's also the time of the interview.

In a survey of 2,200 corporate CFOs, the best time to go on a job interview is between 9 and 11 a.m. Other research has shown that Tuesdays at 10.30 is the ultimate. Generally speaking, you only have about 15 minutes to make a good first impression, so you should try to make that good impression early in that 15 minutes. Of course, all the other things apply, too. You need a good handshake. You should have a few good stories ready, as well as some good questions to ask.

But the time of day is really important if you can make that happen. And that is something you should know. You know, somebody asked me, how did you grow your audience to be so large? And my answer is always, one listener at a time. And you can help us grow the audience one listener at a time by sharing this podcast with someone you know. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know.

Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave

Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. Chinook. Starring Kelly Marie Tran and Sanaa Lathan. Listen to Chinook wherever you get your podcasts.

Contained herein are the heresies of Redolph Buntwine. Erstwhile monk turned traveling medical investigator. Join me as I study the secrets of the divine plagues and uncover the blasphemous truth that ours is not a loving God and we are not its favored children. The Heresies of Randolph Burntwine, wherever podcasts are available.