Son of a Boy Dad - 80-yard Jav | Son of a Boy Dad #233

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

80-yard Jav | Son of a Boy Dad #233 -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy, dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. All right, ready? Alrighty, welcome back to the son of a boy dad podcast. Today is September 10th. 11th. 11th. 10th. Yeah, but for the kayfabe, so it'll be coming out September 12th. So it'll be coming out the 12th, but it is the 10th.

We're all about honesty on this show. I thought a little illusion might serve us well. Thank you for everyone that stayed after I did the intro last time. We lost maybe 90% of our viewer and listenership. The advertisers were not happy. Hopefully nothing crazy happens at the debate tonight. You mean?

Hopefully Trump doesn't get shot again and then we have to re-record again? Dear God. Hopefully they don't duel. Remember last time when we pre-recorded? The presidential candidate doesn't get shot so that we don't have to re-record our episode. Well, that's what happened last time. Remember we banked the episode

and then Trump had to go get shot and then we had to re-record. That was the worst part about him getting shot. If he even got shot, I mean, let's get real. I don't even think he got shot. Well, he has that huge bullet wound. Does he? Or is that from his gauges that he used to have?

I think it's from his gauges. Trump used to have gauges. He used to work at a Target. He used to have white man dreads like the guy from Counting Crows and huge gauges. I have such a vivid memory of like every single employee at like Target and Walmart having like that was the only time I would ever see gauges when I was a child, when I would go to the grocery store with my mom. Gauges were fine until they took them out.

Then they were- Then they were gross. Really tough to look at. You just have loose lobes. Loose, stretched lobes. Just look like gum. Silly putty that had been pulled really thin. I just wanted to trim them.

Yeah, you could do it. You could do it. Just take a scissor to them. If you can do a vaginoplasty, you can definitely do a gaugeplasty. What's a plasty? It's when you, when a vagina gets too loose. Oh, you reconstruct it. You can do a surgery.

Vejuvenation. Yeah, you can have... There's a place right by here that does that. They do? Yeah, there's a big sign that says vaginal reconstruction. Yes. For anyone who has had their pussy destroyed. Pussy blown out.

Yeah. Well, sometimes that is from genital mutilation. Oh, I thought it was just from getting fucked hard. I think that's some... I think it's usually from having children. Or from getting the fucking crazy train run on you. Just a train. One train? One train will do it?

No, but one crazy train. I'm gonna have to get an asshole reconstruction. Not because I'm getting fucked, just because diarrhea okay does it diary even are low out your It's all mangled? Oh god, I did not condone. I did not condone that. Only thing worse than gauges was the fucking lip gauge. The lip gauge was crazy. Wait, they put a gauge in there?

Oh, the bar? It was like a disk. Yeah. It was crazy. Wait, they put a gauge in there? Oh the bar? It was like a disc. It was crazy. That's like some shit in Africa though. Right, like why are you wearing, why is the white guy with dread having that? Like is he trying to go to the African tribe and be like, pretending that he's one of them? I don't know, I didn't know how popular the gauges were in Africa. And then you see the tribes and they they have like their gauges are their

gauges look look make our gauges look like fucking they'll put a full frisbee in there a frisbee golf driver not even the putter they'll put a fucking hubcap in there massive full full pin of heavy like long cut. It's so big. Yeah, it's nasty and heavy. Heavy gauge. Like solid gold. Seven pounds of gauge. It does make me wanna put my wrist through it. Just fucking wear the gauge on your wrist. There's a hole in the lip.

Yeah, and they like. They'll, dude, any part of skin that is able, they'll gauge. They'll gauge it. It's a sign of attractiveness and power. If you have an abnormally loose, like the weenus. Like weenus, they'll gauge that shit.

They'll gauge a weenus? Yeah, they'll gauge anything they can. See, that's not gonna hurt though. No, exactly. You probably don't even know. They go, did you know that you had me? I'll squeeze my weenus all the time and think, why don't I feel it?

That used to be such a fun thing to do. Touch someone's weenus and then... You go to the Piercing Pagoda at the mall and you're like super nervous to get your weenus gaged. Yeah. And then you like look away and it's done before you even know. At Claire's. There's no nervin'. Yeah, the Claire's. You think they do gauges at Claire's?

For your weenus probably. Yeah. Claire's. Those will never go out of business, right? Not as long as there's kids. Yeah. Not as long as there's three-year-old black boys that need their ears pierced. That's so swaggy. What's the movie where there's no kids?

Children of Men. Children of Men. It's a good movie. It is a good movie. They never talk about the downfall of Claire's in that movie though. Claire's is probably the first to go out of business in that movie. That's what I love. It's like when the bees die.

When Claire's start going out of business, you know that the kids are dying. That scene in that movie, the end scene where they, everyone stops shooting because they reveal that there's a child is really powerful. I like that. Yeah. They pass the baby. Is that what they do? They pass it? They pass it really powerful. I like that. Yeah, they pass the baby. Is that what they do? They pass it?

They pass it? No, I think everyone, I think the same dude holds it the whole time. They end up in the boat at the end. The same dude holds it the whole time, but everyone just stops and looks at the baby. And then as soon as they get out of the war zone, they just immediately start shooting again.

It's crazy. That must've been a great time for pedophiles when the babies came back. Hello. What's up brother? Come on in John. Cool. We're, we're, but we need to figure out what's happening. So what's up? Do you want to do this? No, not at all. Do you? Do you want to do it? Yeah, why don't you take the reins on this one? I just I can't can't do it can't bring myself I know no, I can't I'll like stutter. It'll be like uncomfortable It's the combination of that. It's a combination of that. And also I've made some like bad tweets about her Like what was one of the yak?

I was at better being at Buffalo Wild Wings at the Atlanta airport and I tweeted something. I was like hammered and like she posted a picture with like Deshaun Watson or something and I quote tweeted it and was like, I know he had her screaming. Perfect. It all works out at the end. I actually thought you were lying about that the tweet thing. Yeah, no No, that's totally fair remembering that exact clip It was funny But yeah for the best I have something like that with Tom Brady I have that with a lot of people like a lot of people who you just assume when I was when I was

13 on Twitter that I would never actually see in person. Yeah, and then it's just like me tweeting in like you fucking suck. I Don't think people give a fuck though. I think people get that I don't think they do either, but I think I do and then I get uncomfortable But why just like if someone did that to me? I'd see if I saw them in person. I'd be like That's not very stoic, bro. You gotta read some Seneca. You gotta read some Marcus Aurelius. I should.

If you suffer before it happens, then you suffer longer. Or some shit like that. Very interesting. Some true Aurelius shit. What the fuck were we talking about? Oh yeah, you're gauged asshole. We were talking about gauges. Gauges and shit like that.

Just engage. I got a question. When you guys- Nicholas Gage? Yeah, yeah. Bad engage. We got Ken Riffey Jr. over here. I got a question.

When you guys- Lane Riffin. I got a question when you guys fucking Peter Peter Griffin over here Rowan what Rowan continue? Sorry about this. You long stocking Francis is just robbing non-stop today No one can even finish the thought I Got a question when you guys watch football players Do you look at the dude's bulges? Never. Because I do not, but I just wanted to see if you guys do. But I think those pants are also built for minimal bulge. They're all wearing cups aren't they? Yeah, no one's wearing a cup. You think

football players wear cups? Absolutely. No chance. I think certain positions don't, but many do. I'm positive that 0% of those bros are wearing cups. I don't think receivers wear cups. I think linemen wear cups. No way. Why would they not wear cups? This isn't 1980, bro. Every, in any contact sport you wear cups.

Free the dickhead. We wore them in lacrosse, and football's a lot more fucking physical than that. Yeah, we wore them in hockey with a layer of pants on top of them. Okay, I do look at the bulges, and I can tell they don't wear cups. But you're not even looking at the bulge, I wore them in hockey with a layer of pants on top of them. Yeah. OK, I do look at the bulges, and I can tell they don't wear cups. But you're not even looking at the bulge,

you're looking at the cup. No, I'm not. I'm seeing the fucking meat potatoes. Also, cups aren't that big. Realistically, their dick is still out of the cup, even with the cup on. No, that's not true. Tyler, can you search if NFL players wear cups?

Do NFL players wear cups? I would be stunned if. And honestly, I think wide receiver. I think I'd rather wear a cup as a wide receiver than a lineman. I don't think they wear cups? I would be stunned if, and honestly I think wide receiver, I think I'd rather wear a cup as a wide receiver than a lineman. I don't think they wear cups because I think they care about being fast and they probably believe that wearing a cup slows them down.

Cups are going down. So there's a cup graph. So there's a cup chart. That's so stupid. And it's falling off the table. I would absolutely wear a cup if I was in the NFL. All it takes is one bad blow and you are. We've never heard of a penis injury or nutty injury. There was a penis injury last night. Who? Some player on the Jets and he was getting off

and he was holding his dick and they were like, looks like his right arm is really bothering him and it's like, it's obviously his dick. No. You didn't see that? So then, well, if he had a cup, then how would he hurt his penis? He exacts that's why he should have been wearing a cup so he wasn't wearing a cup I think we established when Tyler said that they're not wearing cups I was clearly I was wrong. Okay, that's what I'm saying checkmate chop for you One chop Chop Robinson. Mmm chop border chop chop steak I think I would rather wear a cup as a wide receiver because a lineman, you're kind of

just going head to head. There's not that much, there's not that many scenarios where they're in your penis area, but a wide receiver, like they jump and then the corner is just like under them. All it takes is just one just just uppercuts the ball. There's a video of that. I think it was a guy on the Redskins. It's always in the video. Whoa, whoa. Remember, I think it was the Sports Network,

TSN's top ten most unsportsmanlike plays ever. Were they all Mac Jones? Have you ever seen the compilation of Mac Jones, like kicking dudes in the head with his cleats? No. Oh, Mac Jones! Remember when he fucking kicked the dude in the balls? Well, wouldn't have heard if the guy was wearing a cup. He slid, remember he slid and there was a dude coming at him and he stuck his leg out.

Oh, I do remember that. Yeah. Cup. No, these guys aren't wearing cups. Cooper Cup, bro. They're not fucking rocking them. Cooper Cup. Cooper Cup.

It's hard to run with a cup. I didn't like wearing a cup in football, because it dug into my fucking upper legs. You played football? Of course, bro. When? From sixth grade until sophomore year of college? You played on Penn State?

You don't remember? What the fuck? Why do you think I'm so proud of him? Imagine if we found out that Ronan played football at Penn State. He was a D1 football player. I was a Dn. I just leaned down. Quit when they fired Jopah.

Sandusky's leaving. I left my jersey on the desk like Rudy when they got rid of Sandusky. Not on my fucking watch. Uncle Jerry recruited me. He said I was going to be the next great linebacker. God, I love coffee. I saw a dude yesterday that just said, he just had a shirt on that just said, I love coffee. A lot. Love it. It's just a classic Target shirt. It's a Target pickup. Just go, I'm gonna wear this for the rest of my life. What's the shelf life of a t-shirt for you guys?

Ideally as long as possible, but I tend to lose my top t-shirts all the time. My Eagles t-shirt that I wore last year was a perfect fitting shirt. Unbelievably fitting, like, I mean, great material, very thick, boxy material. That's my go-to. Lost it. That red shirt that I used to

always wear, plain red shirt. Yeah, your red shirt. Lost it. It was your Christopher Robin days. Yes. Where do you think they go? Do you leave them in hotel rooms and stuff like that? Yeah. Or elves, maybe? Elves, perhaps. I used to wear a Bapsin shirt. That was my father's great shirt. Unbelievable shirt. Hand-me-down shirts are an incredible joy.

My uncle used to bless me with all these sports shirts, like 96 Bulls championship shirts. They don't make good shirts anymore. I have a Green Bay Packers Patriots Super Bowl t-shirt that I bought in real time. Yeah. But I don't know where it is. 97? What is that, 97 or something? Something like that.

I can already tell. It's just the perfect fabric, thick. It is soft now, but faded. But that's nice. I love a fade. It looks like something you would have bought at, what's that, American Apparel or what's the urban outfitters? Yeah, or reissue one. Yeah, but it wasn't it was issued not our outfitters still makes the fixture

Right and they make those vintage. Yeah shit shirts Bush Yeah, of course back with 84. Yeah Like I've gone to the Super Bowl for media the last bunch of years, not the actual game, but just the week. And I've been buying shirts from every Super Bowl of the two helmets to hopefully give to my child someday. Well. As a, as a, as a future gift.

That's cool. That's thoughtful as hell. That's a great, yeah. I was collecting. Say something. I was collecting things like that. And then. You don't I was collecting things like that. And then... You don't know where to put them all.

And then you have to give up half of everything at some point. Really? I never don't give up anything? Well, once you get... Of course. Yeah, you realize you're not gonna have children and your bloodline will die with you. When that happens, the collection of... At least your brother will continue it.

Shirts that you think might be worth giving to your son someday. Yeah, they're out of L-trade. Become worthless. Give them to me. Sad reminders. Give them to me. I'll wear them.

Of your personal failure. No, but then we'll have to see them on you. I won't wear any of them to the podcast. Oh, I could give them to you. Yeah. And then you would be my son. Yes. Would you take adoption from him?

No. Hairy Ellis? I should try to adopt. I would like my parents. Hairball. Yeah, that then you would be my son. Yes, would you take adoption from him? No Hair I should try to like my parents hairball. Yeah, that'd be amazing. That would be really fun I'm gonna get a relationship with my parents and I think they like me So I don't know if they'd be thrilled about you. I don't think that's how it works Oh, I think if we just one well-placed call of domestic violence at your house if we just call child protective services on you Your son their son has not left his apartment in 14 days. That's just not true. I leave my apartment every day. We give him some welts.

We like hit him with bars of soap and socks while he's sleeping. And then once he goes home for his eight day Indian wedding, we call the cops right then once he's all bruised up. I like where this is going. And then I could give him, I could give him presents like we talk about. And he'd be really appreciative. Yes. I don't dislike it.

Can I come to your softball games and watch? Technically anyone's allowed to come watch. Setting up a fucking folding chair. Yeah, a lot of families go. And I promise not to be one of those over-involved parents. A lot of girlfriends and stuff go. If someone tries to... Never on our team.

Slide into you, what position do you play, son? Right field. Midfield. Short field. Short field. A lot of pop fly action. Looks like his father. Looks like his poppy. Do any of the girlfriends ever argue balls and strikes with the umpire?

No. So no one on our team ever has anybody come to watch, but on the other teams they always have people come to watch. And the first game, the one where Derek spazzed on the other team, the group of girls packed up their picnic and moved because they were like uncomfortable with yelling. What? Were they associated with the game or were they just there to watch? They're just there to watch. Really? Yeah. They're probably there to find a husband. Well, I think they were, I think they knew the dudes on the team. Okay, so they were there to support the team. They're there to support

the team. They probably couldn't even hear the music once they moved. Brutal. Yeah, you've got to start going to his games just to support. I'm trying to think about what sport would be the most fun to Watch your kid play Definitely not soccer not saw and not soccer especially at a young age It's just every single watching little kids play soccer so funny. I think hockey's pretty cool But the way that he talks about his dad having to watch him play hockey sounds like a nightmare. That's the truth. Hockey, the problem is you've got to be up early. You got to take him really far away.

Yeah. Games start at like six in the morning, like two hours away from your house. Yeah. Also, you're always cold watching the games. Oh, dude. For some reason, like local hockey rinks are like 30 degrees colder than any professional hockey rink. I remember.

Ever. Yeah, they are uncomfortably cold. I have such vivid memories of the Canton, Massachusetts hockey rink and it being like negative 30 degrees in there. Like you'd be on the bench freezing. Being cold as a kid is one of the worst sensations. Oh yeah. Were you cold growing up?

I get so cold. Do you think that your room was adequately heated? My room was hot as fuck. Cause at Francis's house, all the rooms are very heated. My room wouldn't have, my room had no AC. None? Even in the hot summer? Even in the hot summer? Even in the hot summer.

And I had bunk beds. Were you given enough water? Because I shared a room with my younger sister. You were top bunk? I was top bunk. So that's even hotter up there? It was a 20 degree difference between bottom bunk and top bunk. Heat rises.

Yeah, I know. But top bunk was absurdly hot. I don't know if your dad taught you that. He did. He taught me that. But you'll learn that from Francis once you're under the wing. No, I'm aware that he rises. I have AC vents.

That's one of the first things you learn in life. I have AC vents that points specifically at the top bunk. Really? So you will be... you'll never go to bed hot again. I liked the bunk beds. I had stickers all over them. I collected stickers as a youth. You were probably painting the ceiling. I had stickers all over the top bunk.

And then when I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I didn't know we did stucco up here. And I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Are you saying experimenting? When I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol, I was able to hide my contraband in the mattress of the top bunk. No one would ever look.

Your mattress? Yes. You hid it inside the mattress? No, because the sheets would go under and then those would just become little slots to just put everything you want in them. What about when your parents change your sheets? They would never change the sheets. Jesus Christ, they must have been crusty and fucking. I'd put my phone in them and I'd go to bed. What about when your parents change your sheets? They would never change the sheets.

Jesus Christ, they must have been crusty and fucking. I was a grown adult. Why would they change my sheets? I don't know. Sorry, at my house we grew up doing things for ourselves. I don't know, but you're probably just a cum machine though, so it's probably they're probably taking those down like an American flag. I don't think I ever came until I was in my early 20s.

I know that's not true. I knew you and your teams, bro. And you were coming. You would come into work every day and be like, dude, the craziest thing happened last night while I was sleeping. No, I don't think that's true. You were beating stick.

No. You were doing no touch busting. No. You were edging yourself. I mean, you could lie for clout. You could lie for clout on the internet right now So all the son of a boy dad this is a very popular wave these days to say that you like don't you've never game You know love that. Yeah, really they go. He's so pure

You know, it's not pure the hook then it would be like on that one of those fucking dumbass Twitter accounts the drama update ones Yeah, son of a boy that hosts claims. He's never ejaculated those fucking dumb ass Twitter accounts, the drama update ones. Yeah. Son of a boy that hosts claims he's never ejaculated. But then in reality you have like 500 World War II's worth of dead sperm in you. True.

So many soldiers just sitting behind the urethra wall. I remember when I was really young, I was probably like 13 or maybe 12. And it was when I was really young, I was probably like 13 or maybe 12. And it was when I was really coming. And I saw like a post on like, what was that other forum website, not Reddit? 4chan. No.

The one that people go to for like health advice. Weather. Quora. Quora. Yeah. I remember I saw a post on Quora that was like Talking about how bad masturbating is and saying that like like a cum sock They're like imagine how many lawyers and doctors are in that cum sock and I was like torn apart after reading them I was like, oh my god

What have I done just a 12 year old with like tons of lawyers and doctors milling about in his nuts? Yeah, I was like Harvard in your nutsacks? Yeah. You donate them to science? Can we cryogenically freeze my... my Nike dry fit? How do we revive my dead cum? That's nasty.

Taz is keeping his cum socks to give to his son someday. Yeah. Too far. You crossed the line. That's too far? You crossed the line. keeping his cum socks to give to his son someday. Too far. Crossed the line. That's too far. You crossed the line. Butt gauges. Butt gauges was genius.

Butt gauges was like, if I died tonight, people would be like, and the butt gauges. We did love that. Everyone loved that. And you got the credit for that. It's time for people to start taking this seriously. It's going to go on your gravestone. That was a joke of the pod so far.

That was a joke of today's pod. It's time for people to start realizing that I'm the next coming of Patrice. I'm the guy. Patrice? Patrice. I'm the guy. No, that's true. You are the guy.

Well, you and Francis are the guy. Francis is also the guy. No, I'm the old guy. I'm the old guy. I'm the old guard. Sass is the young gun. If you don't start giving Francis credit, Hansel.

You're a hater, and you're not giving credit to your forefathers. Like when on Kill Tony, when Punky says to William Montgomery, like these guys are fucking legends. You need to respect them. About Florentine, former coworker. I see you guys on the- Florentine's the man. I was just talking to him the other night. I love Florentine former co-worker I see you guys on the man I saw him the other night I love Florentine he's hilarious

he's the man we talked we talked ball for like 30 minutes so calm I know his voice is so so calm wish I could do his voice but I can't yeah you know who's a huge fan of his Dave yeah Dave said he was the only stand-up comedy comedian that he ever like loved really reached out like him on Stern and he reached out to him to give him a contract He was so funny on cranky anchors to he was perfect on crank. You never watched crank anchors now. You would love it I don't even know. I've never even heard of that. Is that a real thing? It was actually yeah It was oh that is right up your alley Frank Yackers where Yankers was showing Comedy Central that was prank phone calls

And oh oh I have puppets would like yeah, you know this re Enact them I didn't know that I don't I don't know why I don't know that name though Frank anchors But I know the prank call show wouldn't Eminem do it Maybe he definitely did it on his albums or maybe there's like a guest episode. It was a funny-ass fucking an incredible show But that shit wasn't fake, was it? It can't have been fake. I don't remember. That would ruin my childhood if Florentine's crank yanks were fake. I remember downloading one sketch of a prank call that was on... Jerky Boys? Napster. I can't remember who it was, but he calls this woman,

I think she works at a library or a restaurant, and he says he parked his car outside and that it was a convertible and he had the sunroof open. It just had the sunroof open and that someone came up and crouched, dropped trow and pinched a pipe and hotloaf right on his new leather upholstery. And then he blames the woman for it. God, that's good. And she gets angry.

God, that's good. People didn't- That's classic. If anyone else heard that- Reach out, comment in the comments. Let us know where that is from. The best was when they would hit up Chinese restaurants and expose the language barrier, expose that these guys didn't have such a good grasp on English.

That was a classic one. I remember doing that when I was young. You would? Calling Chinese restaurants just being so racist. We used to call the treasure chest. You don't even know how racist you're being when you're that young. We called the treasure chest. You're like, yeah, I'll just do two golden retrievers. We would call the treasure. You're like, yeah, I'll just do two golden retrievers

We would call the treasure chest Yeah, that's a sex store. Oh really and we would ask for whips and chains and saddles They were like we have all that It's like We didn't prank them. Yeah, they're like, I guess we got a guy coming in and picking up a big spade order today. That's probably the prank, like loss of business, getting their hopes up. Golden retrievers is pretty funny. I like that.

We did that and it was, I don't know, I didn't realize how bad that was until I was like in high school. I mean, I was probably like 10 when I did that. Every stereotype has a grain of truth though, you know. Does it? Well, of course Where do you think that that came from? They were fucking literally serving golden retrievers. I remember hearing that in fifth grade in a golden walk It's foul. And cats too

That's you bro you you on that one? No? Riffy lube over here. You don't think that other countries eat other things than us? I respect it. I don't know, do they? Do people actually eat dogs? I was in-

Yeah, they do. They do. The dog is eating. Where? In Asia. In China, In China. For real. Damn.

That's why it's a funny joke. It is a funny joke. They're probably like, okay, we have special if you order three. Somehow it doesn't seem racist when you do it. I don't know why. I think it's because you're going for accuracy. Yeah. You know, you're not just doing this totally racist. That was-

The craziest one is watching, you ever watch the South Park when they, like the video is behind the scenes of them doing it? Yeah, that's so funny. It's insane. You're like, holy shit, dude. I've never seen the video. Me how, mom?

It's crazy. They do it like to the craziest extent. It's very funny though. I want to go see Book of Mormon. I've still never seen it. Really? Yeah. I'd go with you. Yeah. That seems like a thing that father and son would do. We'll get a seat in between us.

Get there at separate times. No, I don't want that. because we got a bond a large soda for you the triple of wine for Francis I'll have three wines in one cup. They do the triple at at Broadway shows have they know that you can order a trip $120 but by your once you're once you're at the end isn't it just like lukewarm wine. I don't mind that but people like that Don't they I never got into wine. You'll love it. You'll love it once Francis turns you out, once he takes you down to his wine cellar,

puts you onto a Beaujolais from 1968. Sass never got into wine. Just cracks me up. You drank for like two years. I mean, I started drinking when I was like 15. Yeah, I didn't get into wine. I didn't want to drink wine when I was like 15. Yeah, I didn't get into wine. I didn't want to drink wine until I was like 30. Yeah, I'm not a wine guy.

Sounds awful. You know what's so funny is that I told you in the last episode that I want to stop drinking and you were like, no. And I got so much shit when you stopped drinking and I was like, wait, no, you shouldn't. But there's a big difference. No, I said I feel like I'm out of control. I gotta slow my drinking down. But you say that every year.

No, I don't. Yes, you do. When have I ever said that? I remember you saying that last summer and I remember in January. I did dry January. Last year, you did like one week of dry January. Well, I'm making an effort.

You can't say you did dry January. You didn't drink for one Friday and Saturday. I'm trying to get control and I want you, someone I look up to about not drinking, What make you can't say you can say you did dry January you didn't drink for one Friday and Saturday. Someone I look up to about not drinking to be in my corner on this. Look, bro, I'm not I can't do it if you're not going to take it serious. If I'm taking you into my home. You're not taking me into your home. And his vacation home.

I'm not going to any home. Everything I have is yours. Every everything that's mine is yours. The light touches. Well, if that's true, then I'm going to need Everything that's mine is yours. Everything the light touches. Well, if that's true, then I'm gonna need to borrow your car on Saturday. You may. I'm gonna go fishing. Why aren't we going fishing?

Because you suck at fly fishing. And I'm not going to teach you how to fly fish again. See, this is the type of thing that makes me reconsider. He's just gonna, he's in his rebellious stage. Offer. To give you everything I need. You have to, don't push him away. I'm not, but he keeps pushing me away.

I can't wait to go fishing this weekend. I'm just hoping that not all the trout are dead. If I go out and I just catch small mouth bass again, I'm gonna kill myself. Yeah, or the bass. I'm gonna drown myself. You're gonna just go on of killing spree. I'm gonna kill all the bass again.

Killing everything you can catch. Smashing them. Oh man, what a nightmare. Stabbing their dumb heads. This place that I'm going, I don't think you can keep fish. I think it's all catch and release. It's gotta be. Yeah. What's the place?

I'm not gonna tell you. It's a secret spot. How'd you hear about it? I found it myself. On Onyx. On Onyx? Onyx. What's that? It's a hunting app slash fishing app that shows you what's public and what's private land? Really? Yeah, is it only for hunting and fishing or can you use it for First Amendment audit? You could use a first minute First Amendment audits like if you find out that this is public land Then that means you have the right to film on there. Yes, actually you could you could do that. Really? Yeah

I need to get on there. Yes, actually you could you could do that really yeah, I need to get on X Oh shit, dude, the equalizer was filming on my street last night the show the show The whole street was closed. I walked down my street and they're like They're like now you can't come down here and I'm like, well, I live here bro And he goes you live here and I said believe it or not And then let me go down and then I stood at my window and I just watched them film the equalizer. That's so funny that he didn't believe you lived on that street. Yeah, they didn't believe me.

We were just like, well, no, there's the one shitty pink building. There is a shitty building on this street. You know that rent controlled ramshackle building that they've been trying to bulldoze for 25 years? You probably have to sound design around the heaters in there. It was crazy. There was like 400 people on my street, like cops blocking off the street. It was wild.

One time I was walking down my street on my block and they were filming Blue Bloods or some shit. Yeah. And they were like, can you wait? Can you hold on? And I was like, I guess. And then I stood and waited for them to film some walking shot. It took like five minutes.

You know you don't have to wait to. I never, yeah, I was like very rebellious. They were filming something on the street. They don't own the street. I just walked straight, yeah, walked right by. I think I have an appreciation for how much goes into production like that. And also I have this dream that I'll be walking

by the set of some show or movie like that. And the casting director's gonna be like, Who is that guy? Fuck, where's that tall red-headed actor that we... Hey! Hey you! Benedict Cumberbatch has the shits today. How good are you at memorizing lines?

You memorize a 70 page script right now? Yeah, any chance you're... Typically I'm used to improvising on tires, but I guess I could make this work. You don't happen to be a member of SAG, do you? I have my card right here. Go figure. I've actually put my membership on hold, but technically I can still... Yeah, I just know how much of power trippers the people who like run the set are. Oh, they were, there was a couple of Tussles. They think that they are like James Cameron Yeah, I watched like there was a couple times where producers were getting at it

There's always a five three girl in all black who has like a head. Oh, yeah fucking walkie talkie Can we have quiet please? Yeah get off my set. I played my TV a little extra loud cuz I was hoping that they'd come up What's that? What's that thing where they do where they where where they have complete silence and they get the temperature of the room? Room tone. Room tone. We did that at your special and it was like so tense.

I don't know if you were in the green room, I think it was right when I got there and I walked up and they were like, can everyone be quiet for five fucking seconds? And then we all just sat in silence and I was like this is I got so nervous mm-hmm I've been in room tones where someone messes up and they have to do it over again yeah it's really not that much it's not that big of a deal either like you could easily like they they get very angry about it if someone fucks it up and it's like we're only doing this for 60 seconds well you must not know what room tone is for you must not know the importance of room tone no

I do I've done it myself. It's to have a baseline. It's to have a baseline so that the dead air doesn't sound different than what the room sounds like. That was exactly right. Ha ha ha! I don't even know. I don't know why they do it. You're talking to someone who's done room tone before. Room tone.

I bet I've done way more room tone than you do. Probably not. I've done my own room tone for my own sketches really yes You guys do room tone. I have I did them when I was filming such as on my phone So that's perfection saying Wow Just to knock at the amount of likes you wanted so you delete it Little too close to home, huh? Little too close to home, huh? Our home? My home with him?

Your shared home. Who was the main girl from the equalizer? When do you want to move your stuff in? Never. Who's the main girl from the equalizer? Denzel Washington? The Queen? Isn't, what's Denzel Washington's movie that he's on three of?

The equalizer. So this is different than that? This is a than that this is a show show they're making and I looked it up when they were filming it only has 5.5 out of 10 on IMDB I wanted to go out there and be like shut it down guys what a way it's not getting another season yeah I wanted to go out and be like take it in not gonna be not gonna be that many more of these shoots yeah you'll be I'm actually helping if I walk in the background. People get excited about a fucking cameo from Lil Sasquatch. The equalizer.

I am the equalizer. Yeah, yeah. They equalize their bottom line, their broke ass show, losers. Didn't look that broke. It looked like that, it was probably like a million dollar per episode budget. Owen, didn't we walk past them shooting that?

Or was that, or did someone else say past them shooting that or was that or just someone else they were there They were shooting it somewhere on that walk back from the from Chelsea music hall They're shooting shit all over New York right now. I don't know if it's just cuz the summer's over. It's too hot It's also fashion week. Yeah Fashion week too. Yeah, what's her name was right outside my apartment Queen Latifah Sitting in a car that wasn't moving McQueen for yeah the Laqueefa. Yeah. Laqueefa. Yeah. The Queefa in French. Queef La Cheefa. Queef La Queefa. Yeah. If you know what I mean. Exactly.

If you're picking up what I'm putting down, which you are. I didn't know that's who it was though. Pinpoint comedy. You didn't know who the Queen is? No. Black does not crack, bro. No. I mean she looks damn good. Damn good. And she's looked the exact same flavor of damn good since 93. I was going to say that. She hasn't aged since 93 one bit. She's been the Queen.

Really good. Man, that Queen Laquefabit, we got a couple of Riff Bagwells over here. I took some photos if you guys want to see them. Yeah, definitely. Of the Queen. but we got a couple of Riff Bagwells over here. Yeah. I took some photos if you guys want to see them. Yeah, definitely. Of the Queen. I need to see these. Super zoomed in.

I need to see the Queen. Who else is in the Equalizer? And is she playing Denzel's role, or is it a completely different series? I don't know. That's a good question. I had these photos. I was trying to think of more ways

to twist R riff into things. Yeah, Fred McRiff. Oh, that's that's pretty good. So damn good. It basically fits into his name. You got one, Sas? No. That's right up your alley. No, this isn't really my kind of thing. He doesn't do wordplay. Yeah. He doesn't play with words. On the equalizer? Yeah. I think I could. I would do that. I think I might be in the background. They were filming it looking at my apartment and I'm just standing right at my window with my arms crossed. I swear to God, if you see, if you watch the equalizer of the show, take a look and you might see me in the episode. That guy's definitely going to come back later in the episode. Nope. Who's that guy staring through the window?

That's gotta be a clue. It's gotta be the guy. Ooh. I know who did it. Dude, look, it was literally, it was right at my window. It's the guy in the Patriots. This is the car that they're filming at. What?

And I was standing right here just watching the entire time. They didn't ask you to like clean up the clumps of clothes in your window? Hell no, they don't get to choose what I do. It was crazy though. What was the, look at this big ass white thing. What the hell is this? That's for light. It's huge.

How do you even move that? How do you transport that around? I thought you said you know what room tone is, but you don't know what that big ass thing is. Dude, it was this, it was the size of an entire apartment building Jib sale a jib sale. Mm-hmm. How do you move that around rent them at Adorama for like? 400 bucks a day You think they rented it or you think they own it? They probably well depends equalizer. What's the studio? What's the network? Thanks Fox, right?

Yeah, that's gonna be there doesn't equalizer come on after football. I Have no idea. What is what does the Queen do? She like she's like hip. I think she's a no-nonsense Detective really something like that. Oh crazy It's deep on the police until it's time to get it to detective role. You know what I mean? she's a She's such a good singer. What a multi-hyphenate she is. She's like Jamie Foxx.

Yeah. Yeah, she's like Jimmy Foxx. Jimmy Foxx. Jimmy Foxx. You could be the queen, but watch the queen conquer. What is... What's her... What's her most famous song? I don't know. Queen? Latifah?

Oh, Bohemian Rhapsody. She's 54 and my God, she's not looking it. She doesn't look a day over 25 Did you ever see that movie where she ends up dating common? We're gonna get we're gonna get fucking how many seconds was that? Too many she's 8 million followers on Instagram I should have gotten I should have gone out there and said something asked for a photo at least I mean if you're filming on my street Don't you think it's great? She's probably hilarious if I posted, if I just randomly posted a photo with Queen Latifah on Instagram, no caption.

Just like hunch shoulders. Yeah. Hands in pockets. Me and the Queen. Her with her arm around you. Queen Latifah. That's why you need him around so he could be like, can you take a picture with my special needs son?

Yeah, he probably would have done something stupid like that. I would have taken a picture for you, son. I don't, I think if I got even within 20 feet of her, they would have like tackled me to the ground. Well, she's method actor, so she probably would have tackled you. I think they say that her guns, cause she had a gun in a holster when they were filming and apparently it was loaded, live rounds.

Ballroom style. Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me? You know what I mean? No, not at all. You and I, T, at all you and I see why That's one of her songs She's sick. I guess she's more of an actress though. Yeah She's a multi-talent. What was it? What I like a movie where she like dates a white guy

common It's common that's true. Who's that one called? It's common. That's true. Who's common? What's that one called? Common to the rapper? He's a professional basketball player and he gets injured. She's his physical therapist.

So it's just like a long porno? I don't remember how big the scenes are of her rubber band. That's like the plot of a porno. Like he's like, he's like, oh man, yeah, my dick is all, I sprained my dick today. Higher up. And then Queen Latif he's like oh man yeah my brain my dick today higher up and then Queen let's see if I can help that out there's an unknown swelling I don't know it looks like you're gonna have to bust this is to boss and he's like okay I guess that makes sense. Common does kind of look like Johnny Sins a little bit.

Whoa, what are you doing? How did my dick end up there? Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not supposed to be doing this. What if coach finds out? Oh no, not again. Why is this happening again? Coach is going gonna be pissed! He's gonna make me run suicides!

Coach person Coach making you run suicides He's like, hey, come and get back out What the hell? There's only one way to fix this You're gonna have to suck my dick too And then it's Coach and Common piping out the Queen Piping out Queen flit II fuck

There was one one game we had a spring scrimmage soccer where the two of the kids on the team had slept through practice or a morning lift or something and again, we that the we played the game and we scrimmaged, I don't know, Columbia or something like that. And then a bunch of parents came to the game. And then after the coach made those two guys run suicides on the field, once the game was over, in front of the parents. Yeah, he thought he was fucking Herb Brooks.

In front of parents? Yeah, that's insane. And the parents were like, what's happening? Why is it just two guys? How old were you? I would have been a sophomore in college. Oh, college. That's even, that's kind of crazy.

In front of the parents. Who had driven from all over the country. Parents traveled to go to the game. They're watching these two kids. They're probably drunk. Yeah. Or tailgated before the game. We, one time, I think I've told this story before,

but when we were, when I did track. So I did track and field freshman and sophomore year of high school. And freshman year, it was really fun. It was kind of just like, we just fucked off. And then sophomore year, we got a new coach. And it was like super hardcore. And we had a home meet meet and it downpoured.

So after you finished your event, everyone just left and went home. And then we got there the next day and everyone was like, coach is pissed that everyone left. Like we were supposed to stay and watch the entire meet even if it's downpouring rain and then we had to run one we had to run 45 100 yard dashes and the thing was you had a you had a minute to complete it you had a minute to complete a 400 yard dash that's not hard it's not hard but it's a minute and it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't get longer as you go on. Okay, but hold on a second. How long until you start your next one?

At the end of the minute. Oh. So you have 45 minutes. So for like the first five. You're on a 30 second. The first five you're like, oh, this isn't bad. And then by the 10th one, you're not even getting halfway down the field

until it blows the whistle. Right, okay. And then you gotta run back. Olympians run a hundred yards in 10 seconds. So you got to run back. Olympians run 100 yards in 10 seconds. So you figure half that speed, 20 seconds. The first couple, you're running like 20 seconds. But by the 10th, 100 yards. And then you have 40 seconds to get back and start again.

It does sound like it would be hard. So actually. Do you get back and start again? No, you don't have to go back. You just go from the other way. Oh, that's huge. Yeah, but by the end, you don't have any time to rest. We had to do separators, similar concept. Dude, kids were leaving crying.

Hold on a second. I'm not even kidding. Kids quit the team. Well, I remember. I picked you up after. There was like, I think the coach got fired that year. Yeah, because he made it to the plate. I wrote to the letter to Principal Jeffries, who, by the way, I had some dirt on.

And there was no principal Jeffries. You don't know separators. I'll just take your story and beat it. Uh, I wasn't even done with my story. I'm, I'm laying riffing over here. All right, go continue. Since when am I not allowed to fucking riff? Since I had probably what should have been the best story of the episode.

Extra smooth riff peanut butter jar. Alright, continue. Got a problem with that? Yes. So many problems. Anyway, Francis, you were saying you were going to take away your goddamn PlayStation and keep talking like that? We were doing separators at Lax-a-tch-u-sits.

Did you ever do Lax-a-tch-u-sits? No, I, what's that? Anyway, French separate take away your goddamn place. We're doing separators at laxative sits Did you ever do laxative sits no, I what's that that was like a club team in Massachusetts I didn't because I was from Maine we played yeah, but it wasn't I people would like travel main select Well, we went to champ camp and got waxed by all those teams Yeah from states that had more than 20 people living in them. That's true. We played fucking the, what was it, the Dukes who were from Pennsylvania? Yeah.

14-2. I scored the two goals. That's sick. Dave Petromala came up to me after before he talked to any of them because they were all committed already. I was like, hey, have you ever thought about playing defense? He was the head coach of Hopkins and you said what fuck? I was like, I'm already talking to Harvard. Yeah, sorry Johns Hopkins. What am I a doctor get the fuck out of her sweet though

I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins. Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah true story though He wrote me like a handwritten letter, which I thought was very touching and then after the recruiting process was over my dad got diagnosed with prostate cancer and Johns Hopkins had the best facility or like doctors for treating prostate cancer. And my dad had to go have the surgery, but you needed like a special recommendation to get in touch with the best doctor there. And I actually texted the head coach of Hopkins. He was like, Hey, I'm not going to be coming. He actually wrote me something back.

He was like, yeah, let me see if I can know anyone, blah, blah, blah. It was really nice. You have to be careful because That something that is passed down genetically so that could be in your bloodline now the prostate cancer We need to get you checked up sooner rather than later. That is pretty crazy That's probably got to be sick feeling for your dad to have his son Get him in touch. Yeah, I don't think I I don't doctor. I don't think it moved the needle. He's like, he's in a lacrosse. He's okay at sports.

Yeah. But if I had committed to Hopkins, if I'd gone there, I think he would have actually moved mountains to make that happen. Absolutely. I do believe that. We've been on ESPN top 10 moments of the week. Yeah. I think football players ran shit at Hopkins though, pretty sure.

I don't think so, I think it was the lacrosse team. Hopkins, lacrosse was their only D1 sport. But the football players, the football frat on Chuck Street, I used to go down there all the time. Really? Yeah. My boys played football at Hopkins and they would fuck up the lacrosse

and the baseball players. Really? Oh my God, knocking heads. Going to John Hopkins for football is like, you may as well just be D3. It is D3. It literally is D3. La Crosse is their only D1 sport, but they would win the national championship in La Crosse. They're so good at La Crosse.

They were unbelievable. They had a guy named Kyle Harrison, who just was beyond belief. That football team was different though. What were we talking about? You had a story about separators. Oh, good point. We can always go back to my story because again, way better than yours. Go ahead. Well, this is parentheses.

No, I want to hear what separators are because I don't even know what they are. So suicide basically, you start on the goal line, football field, you go five back, 10 back, 15 back, 20 back, 25 back. You have to get it under 34 seconds. Yeah. And then you start again on the minute. Yeah. You had to get eight in a row and you had to run all 10. No, by third, by the third one, Damn. No. By third, by the third one. I couldn't do that on roller skates.

First two were fine. The third one, by the end of the third one, you were like, there's no chance I catch my breath by the time the next one starts. Somehow, like, four and five were the hardest. Six was okay. Seven was impossible. Yeah. I could never get the seventh. And then... Who could get it though? The guys on the team who were like also...

The dudes who went to Johns Hopkins? The dudes who went to Johns Hopkins? Fucking Ben Fine. Yes. Uh, Andy Parchman got it. Yes, Parchman. Pissed himself though. During it?

Pissed his shorts. He was going so ham that he pissed his shorts. That's not, that doesn't correlate. Dude, we had it when we did. Craziest thing I ever saw. There's a lot more guys that got it. Hold on a second. When we had that hundred yard dash thing, kids were throwing up and multiple kids.

Ben Smith, Billy Geist, who became captain a couple years later. Multiple kids walked off the field in tears. Max Moshwiller, I think Eric Poser probably got it. Balling crime. Because you know how like track kids are always complaining about their shin splints? Sean Witz, Brooke Sol. These fucking shin splint dudes would be walking off the field screaming, crying. Like literally, I remember looking at a kid who was older than me, who I like respected,

walking off the field like like snot coming out of his face because he was crying so hard. Not as bad as Andy Parton pissing himself off. And I was like, dude, you gotta pull it together. With track and field. That was the 100 yard thing you were talking about?

Yeah. How many of those do you think I could get? You could do, you could probably do all of them, but like I did. In the time. Oh, in the time, probably the first 15 to 20. That feels, I'm surprised you're being that generous. I think because I'm trying to think of how long it took

until it got like impossible. Until it went. It sounds like it would be impossible. 100 yards is a long distance. It got to a point where it was like you wouldn't even get halfway down the field and the minute would blow. And you'd be running back. You basically have 45 minutes to do 4,500 yards.

Yeah. Which is insane. Yeah. It was just sprinting for 45 minutes straight because it was supposed to be, I think the coach said we were going to 100 and then we got to 45 and dudes were like laying down on the center of the field.

Throwing up. What's the amount that, if I said I think I could do this many, you'd be like fuck you no way I have supreme belief in you like this one I don't feel as confident about as I as the I was like 17 and I was really out of shape and I did like I don't know the first ten fine do the funniest thing about track and field to me is that all of the events are so specific and one is so dramatic.

Like 100 meter, 400 meter, 800 meter, and then cross country. Oh yeah. It's like, bro, we have to run cross country. It's like, no, you're running like 3.2 miles. Like, what do you mean cross country? The cross country kids at our school would run like a marathon after school. But how but how far is a cross-country race? I think they're pretty long. But it's a finite amount. Owen ran, you ran cross-country, right? But it's a finite amount. Yeah, it's not cross-country. Yeah, you're running across the country. That's a preposterous thing to fucking say.

Yeah, it's so dramatic. It is dramatic. thing to fucking say. It's so dramatic. It is dramatic. Pole vaulting. I threw a jav. That was my thing. Yeah, but you had the one from Revenge of the Nerds that was ergonomically correct for your limp ass wrist that Leon threw. I threw it 80 yards one time. What? Yeah. No, he didn't. Yes, I did.

Like out of nowhere, I just like, I just like, fuck it. It was crazy. I think it was enemy. You could the stats just kidding you definitely can't I never used my score Yeah, cuz you did throw 80 yards mostly throwing it in the 50s state record And then one day I just came out and I rookie of the year day your arm just snapped fucking Javachusets over here No, I don't know how long how far actually threw it I just remember one time I threw it like 20 yards further than I'd ever thrown it. 80 yards is so funny. I was like shocked and everyone was like, what the fuck?

That's like Joe Milton. That's like the backup for the Patriots. Jabs throw a lot further than a football. Do they? Yeah, dude. Do they? Yes. They like sail through the air. I don't know about that. Look up how far does it how far do people throw jabs Leonidas was probably there and he's like I need you for my 300

Let's look up like average professional refail us over here It's good riff bail us. What is a good javelin toss? There's no way I'm throwing a javelin fucking 40 yards even 30 yards Okay fucking 40 yards even 30 yards okay meters that's what it was and it's and I definitely didn't throw 80 or even close probably like probably like 30 yeah the world record is like 90 but it doesn't tell me how, what, what they're using. What is the, what is the measurement? An 80 yard javelin toss from, from 13 year old Sas. Yeah, so it's in meters

Everyone just looks around I think I threw it 50 meters one time Am I wrong that sounds nuts to me I don't know. I got it. I mean I was in high school you would have been 50 meters is like a hundred fifty five hundred sixty feet 164 feet It's impressive I'm impressed there's no way yeah that you threw a fucking javelin a hundred sixty four yards We don't need that conversion why it's so much easier to measure how long I'm throwing, going off yards than this feet. So you said you threw it.

Feet is like, you could tell me that this entire room is like 10 feet. Yeah, yeah. OK. So is it close to 30 yards? That does sound doable. What do you mean it's close to 30 yards? It's 54 yards.

No, you said 30 meters. 50 meters is 54 yards. You do a jab when half a football field., you said 30 meters. 50 meters is 54 yards. You threw a jab on half a football field. You threw it 30 meters. I think I probably threw it in the 40s. Now you're changing it. You've said every number. I can text my friend.

You threw it on the police. It's like dealing with a fucking mental patient. I'm going to text my friend and ask how long how far he threw it And then you just subtract about like 20% How about fucking Tyree kill bro, that's yeah drew Rosen house wants the officers to be fired Is that who he was saying call call? I mean at a certain point. It's like first Zack Bryan and now Tyree It's like what all of our heroes. Yeah At a certain point, it's like first Zach Brian and now Tyreke. It's like, what are we doing here?

What are all of our heroes? Yeah. It's like, can the cops start to have a little respect? And then Morgan Wallen. It's like all the ups, every upstanding American. Cause imagine if he wasn't on the Dolphins. It is funny for Tyreke Hill. Well, it's not funny, but it's, it's funny for Tyreke Hill

to be like face on the pavement, 90 cops surrounding him and Zach Brian being like, it's me and you, bro. Me and you against the world. You see it tweeted about it? What? Zach Brian. Oh, he's, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Yeah, police brutality. Police brutality. Even though he was like, I support cops. You know I support cops. I mean, I've seen that Zach Brian exchange. It's like, all right, would you like to go to jail? And Zach is like, yes, I suppose. That is the way that this inevitably ends. All right, would you like to go to jail and Zack is like, yes, I suppose

Evidently ends and the cops like okay, would you mind stepping out and I'm gonna place these handcuffs on you He's like so be it go with God And then a second later he's like forgive me. I was being flippant. I did not in earnest want to go to prison Sorry, those I mean that's what all these First Amendment audit videos are. Cops fucking power tripping. Yeah, it's looking like probably in the 20s. And we were definitely measuring it in feet. He said, my buddy said- Which I was converting to.

My buddy said he probably threw it 75 feet and then he said, but he wasn't good at it, and he said one of our other friends would throw it like 130. That's pretty long. That sounds pretty long. Yeah. So I probably threw it like like 20 feet. No, not feet, meters. No, feet. Even though you're really special. Because both of those guys were way better than I was. 20 feet is nothing.

You're saying that's like from here to the door. Yeah, yeah. Probably what it was. Come on, dude. No, it was probably, I think I probably peaked at 40 feet. Let's just keep throwing out numbers. Let's just keep this game going. It was fun though. Jav was fun. The first year it was a blast.

The second year we had that hard ass coach. Cause I remember the, the Jav coach when we were doing the a hundred yard dashes, all of a sudden he, he pops out, he showed up late and he pops up out of nowhere and he's like, everybody 20 pushups now. And this one we were already like 30, 100 yard dashes in and just everyone just laughed and no one did a single push-up and then he got pissed and walked away.

We were like, fuck you dude. And was the track team co-ed or did he coach just the men? We were split up, yeah, it wasn't co-ed. Oh, okay. I always think it's funny when you see in like, cheer doc, I watched that documentary, cheer on Netflix. I'm not familiar. It's the same people that do last chance you.

It's really good. Oh really? Yeah. What's it about cheerleaders? Mm-hmm. All right, so you ever go to one of those things? Nope. I've been to many.

The one down in Florida? At Disney World? No. I mean, have you ever been to like a cheerleading competition? No, I'm not a pedophile. Yeah, I don't mean now. You fucking weirdo. Why would I be asking you if you've

been to a cheerleading competition like you've been in the last five years? Why would I know the time frame in which you were referring? Obviously, I meant like when you were in high school. No, I didn't do that. OK. That would not make you a pedophile. And I went when I was like 10, because my neighbor's sister was in the things. I don't know. Once a pedophile make you a pedophile and I went when I was like 10 because my neighbor's sister was in in

the thing. I don't know, once a pedophile, always a pedophile. And it was hilarious they would do like the dances and they'd have like their songs that they play and they'd be like remixes. But it's like a hundred songs remixed. Yeah and it would be like who let the dogs out and then it'd be like an EDM drop and then out of nowhere just be like some random dude's voice coming over

and he'd be like, go dragons. It was so funny. It's like, I just want somebody to love. It's the remix y'all. Jolene, Jolene. It was so funny, dude. The remixes would be awful. It would be like a dude in the school that made the remix.

Yeah, I was wondering who made that. But I remember in this doc when they tell them to drop down and do pushups, the girls are doing pushups. They're barely going, there's no down up at all. Their arms are so not close to 90 degrees. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, well, 20 push-ups is, you know, there's no set standard for how deep it is. So some people are doing 20 real push-ups. They're going to be more punished than the people who are doing 20 fake ones.

What's your guys' push-up? I've always been a nose to the ground, man. What's your guys push-up number right now? Probably like three. Yeah. I used to be so good at them. I know. Two years ago, three years ago, four years ago, realistically. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Four years ago, dude, I would go to the gym and I would warm up with 100 push-ups. I was the best. I was the man back then. How many sets would you have to break that up into? Probably four. It's pretty impressive. I would take me like three minute, I could bang them out. I would do like 25 stop for like 10 seconds and then just go right back into it. That's why I warm up now. 100 push-ups, 100 body squats. Yeah. Two sets though. Damn. Really? 55, 45. That's impressive.

Come on, bro. Two sets. Two sets. You know me, bro. What would you do today, push-ups? You could probably do a hard push-up. I mean, I've always tried to do them with the full extension thing because I just think it's, I'm not trying to sound like a hard-o, but I can't do that many of those.

What do you mean the full extension? Like, my chest touches the ground. Yeah. Yeah, I'm probably not. So like a hardo, but I can't do that many of those. What do you mean the full extension? Like my chest touches the ground. Yeah. Yeah, I'm probably not. So I don't know. I do like sets of 12 of those. And I'll do like, I don't know, three or four sets. I also like to do them with my hands in dumbbells.

Oh, dumbbells. I thought you were gonna say knuckles on the ground. No. I used to do that shit too. I do that because it just seems a lot less straining on my wrists. I have the dumbbells pointed straight forward. Yeah, and a little lat pull that makes it a lat pull. Yeah, those are you do the you do a push-up and then you do one arm pull one arm pull push-up with like 30s or something. That's a prison workout. Fucking hard. Yeah. You think they're giving the prisoners dumbbells? No way.

No, definitely not. They probably have like Smith machines only. Yeah. Something're giving the prisoners dumbbells. No way. No, definitely not They probably have like Smith machines only so you can't throw at somebody I can't even believe they have fucking barbells at prisons Here I used to do a lot of or I've started doing again or burpees. Yeah burpees are burpees are real suck ass Yeah, that's insane. Those are not fun You're gonna be playing above the rim in bar School Survivor if you've been doing fucking burpees. I have been doing burpees and I've been doing a lot of pull-ups. Those are the pull-ups were the one thing that I always struggled with except for when I was in high school

I could do a lot cuz I was skinny. Hmm. But I then I exploded my tendon in my left arm and I stopped doing them. You ever see when they have the military guys being like if you get if you could do 12 push-ups we could give you fucking Whatever you can sign up for the military for free or some shit like that such a terrible deal I think it's a pretty good 12 push-ups you can go to Iraq for four years Like I'm just gonna not do any push-ups. That sounds like a much better country you could die a hero But then a girl will wind up like a gymnast girl

I want to do it it like do like the thing where they're like walking up and shit Yeah, I used to watch videos of like the military dudes doing like the flagpole shit just like for hours I would just hang out with my friends and we'd hang out in my buddy's House and we would just watch videos of that for so long. In silence. Yeah. And we'd just be like, whoa. It's gonna be us someday. Yeah.

The shit where you can like, where you're like walking, it is so sick. That is cool. I'd love to be able to just go out to like the scaffolding outside and just bang out a couple of those. We talked about this. Just bang out a couple of flag poles. Training for it.

I was walking my dog the other day or I was at the dog park underneath the Brooklyn, uh, underneath the Manhattan Bridge and I saw like a construction worker just walk up to a thing and like he started to do pull-ups and just like did one and then did like a half rep and then walked away. I was the only person that saw it. That's hilarious. He thought he was gonna like rep him out. He did one and a half and then couldn't get all the way. I saw, I think I've told this story but I saw Mark Norman doing those just like in the wild. Oh yeah he does that. Yeah I was walking home from work and I and I turned the corner and all of a sudden it's just Norman just banging out pull-ups and then he got off and he

was like what's up dude? And I was like this is really, this is crazy. He's not gonna love that you told that story. Totally, he's gonna be pissed. Docs, big time docs. Docs Martin. Docs Martin. Docs Martin. Docs of the Bay. Yeah. I was trying to get it really into pull ups

as I remember I watched that Goggins thing where he said that you should do, well his thing was that he was doing pushups every time he would walk through a door frame. He would do like 50 pushups. So I put a pull-up bar and I was doing pull-ups every time I would leave or go into my room. And then by like week two,

my entire left arm was like broken. Yeah, that man must have no cartilage. Yeah, literally dude, I've talked about this a thousand times but I had like an egg on my arm Like this big just sitting there cuz I cuz I fucked up my arm so bad And I had to just do squats for the rest of the summer no arm workouts Totally deflated for my maximum potential, but you're fucking juicy ass. We'll always thank you for that I've never been uncomfortable sitting down since never never

You're always sitting on a dough. I get uncomfortable sitting on like a couch for more than 30 minutes my ass starts getting sore It was zero ass. It's all just bone You got you got to get him on the regimen dad I've tried You know some people just don't want to be helped split squats That's what you need to be doing. Bulgarians. Yesterday I did med ball throws.

Huah! Francis does weird ass workouts. Squats with 20 pound med ball and threw them up at this target on the wall and did like 105 sets. Have you ever seen Francis work out? Yeah. Have you? Yeah, at the Barstool office in Chicago.

Oh. Freak workouts. I know. He's doing like the shit that you see on Instagram where it's like a dude running on the treadmill with like a barbell on his back while running. Yeah. Breakdancing with a barbell. Yeah, they're smacking him with a fucking rubber tube in the abs. He was doing decline. He was doing decline. Pull noodles. He had a barbell with 45s on it and he was doing decline sit ups. Yeah, with the barbell. And I'm not kidding,

he was literally doing this in our building. He was doing shit like that in the office. Like he was doing overhead presses and then like throwing it up and then like doing like a 360 spin and catching it. Yeah. Doing it like a game of Jack. Tricks on it, he was doing tricks on it.

And then out of nowhere, he stopped and he was like, all right, let's go get dinner. I was like, dude, you're ready for some arugula. For what it's worth, I was working out there because that was like the only place we could and everyone had left by that point. I wasn't like being an exhibitionist. But you were waiting to have a lacrosse catch, I thought.

No, we already had a lacrosse catch. We had done? Okay. Great catch too. Great catch. I'd had to catch that good in a while. But that was your full workout and that was his warm up. Shas was pretty good at having a lacrosse catch, you know. I've got the mechanics now. Oh, he's the big spoon. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, a couple of spoons. I've got a great handling. Yeah Yeah Dana. What's up, brother? Dana we're done in I got a what do you mean? Where is it? Dana have the most insane set that bar school was ever created I'm really pleased. It's a six story bookshelf. Our meeting is in here in literally one minute. Two minutes.

Okay, perfect. I'm sorry to be that guy right now. Yeah. Come to the nicest this weekend. Actually, there's probably not even any seats. It's probably sold out. Austin, Texas. I'll be at the Creek in the Cave on August 20th, excuse me September 20th and 21st

Can't wait to see you there tickets at punchup.live slash Francis Ellis Sweet and then we'll be in Rochester in October come see me in sass in Rochester I got a bunch of dates coming up go to little sasquatch website comm to check him out Baltimore is coming up That's gonna sell out. Baltimore's coming up. That's gonna sell out, I think. Or it won't, we'll see. I'm sorry everybody, I had to postpone Dallas and San Diego and Lexington, Kentucky

because- And Kansas City. And we postponed Kansas City because of shoot conflicts. The comments on this don't tell set are insane. God damn this guy is funny. Five minutes ago. So good. One hour ago. Sass is going to be a star three hours ago.

Wow, we need more. 16 hours ago. I mean, am I wrong? God damn this kid has done it again. 16 hours ago. Wow, we need more 16 hours ago. God damn this kid has done it again 16 hours ago does not fall far from the tree. I see that's what I father like son father like son All right. All right. All right. You guys this next week. Goodbye