Son of a Boy Dad - Blue Jean Baby - Son of a Boy Dad: Episode #109

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

Blue Jean Baby - Son of a Boy Dad: Episode #109 -- Lil Sas & Rone compare fits, catch up on each others' weekends, & much more. Enjoy! TICKETS TO AUSTIN SHOW 4/23 10PM: https://www.austintheatre.org/moontower-comedy/shows/son-of-a-boy-dad/ Ads: -- Go to https://barstool.link/shadyraysBSS and use code SON for 50% off 2 or more pairs of polarized sunglasses. -- Download the Gametime app or go to https://barstool.link/GametimeApp, enter your email, and redeem code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). -- This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Go to https://barstool.link/SONbetterhelp for 10% off your first month -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Is that good? Yeah. All righty, welcome back to Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Today it is April 10th. It is Monday.

We are here in the studio. No guests this week. That's okay, though. Yeah. I mean, we got Owen. Yeah. Yes, sir. How's it going?

Oh, wait, we're going to be... Rowan and I are going to be doing a live Son of a boy dad in austin next week friday night at like 10 or is it 8 or 10 i don't know sometime around then 10 depends on what time zone you're in are they an hour behind or an hour isn't it the same time zone you think austin's the same time zone as new york i don't know it's all the same when it's an hour i pay attention to it i think it or is it more than an hour no it's probably just an hour it's an hour i pay attention to it i think it or is it more than an hour no it's probably just an hour so come check the check us the fuck out i've been grinding material i've been at the clubs i think that's like uh on sale at

little sasquatch comedy.com no it's not there yeah it'll be in the description or it's just on the moon tire website just look up son of a boy dad live be in the description or it's just on the Moontower website. Just look up Son of a Boy Dad Live podcast at Cap City. Or it's probably on the Cap City website too. So find it at one of those places and come see us. It's only one show. So those tickets are going to go quick. Yeah. It's worth the trip for sure.

Yeah. It'll be fun. No, it is actually going to be fun. I'm going to go down Thursday, come back on Saturday. Oh, you're going Thursday? Yeah. Oh'll be fun. No, it is actually going to be fun. I'm going to go down Thursday, come back on Saturday. Oh, you're going Thursday? Yeah. Oh, nice. So you're not staying at the hotel that they're providing you with?

I don't know. I have no idea. I know I'm sure you've given me the information, but I don't care. I don't care, I'm saying. Okay. Just tell me the day beforehand what the information is. I've given you all the information that I have. Where, in my email? No, I've texted it all the information that I have. Where? In my email?

No, I've texted it to you like seven separate times. That's not true. And every single time you're like, I don't know. I don't know what are we doing this live show? I'm like, well, you've confirmed it three different times. I'll read you the last text messages you sent me. How am I still high right now? It's four o'clock.

I lost my binky. Okay. I said, are you in Manhattan? You said, no, I just left. Why was that? Because you need to help with your move? Yeah, bro. Did you need my car?

No, I ended up getting, I just had my buddy Derek do it with me. I offered you my car though earlier. Yeah, no, I got a U-Haul. Oh, you bought a whole U-Haul? Yeah, dude. It's fucking so high off the ground. Dude, those things are fucking nuts. Did you drive it yourself? Yeah, it, I got a U-Haul. Oh, you bought a whole U-Haul? Yeah, dude, it's fucking... You were so high off the ground. Dude, those things are fucking nuts. Did you drive it yourself?

Yeah, it's horrifying. You're too young. Dude, U-Hauls don't make any sense to me at all. You have to be 25 to rent a car. Right, you're too young, yeah. And in U-Haul, you could rent a 26-foot truck at 18 years old. And you could live in it. And it's $19.

And when you get the $20 insurance, you can just do anything with the car. They're like, yeah, you could wrap it around a tree and nothing would happen. Were there up charges on the $19? Or was it just flat $19 with $20 insurance? It's like $19 an hour, I think. I only had it for like two hours.

So you spent $60 and you could have gone on a killing spree. And nothing would happen. Just moaned. They got the $20 insurance. So he's good. He's allowed to kill those people. Yeah.

And I showed up and I was like, I want the pickup truck. I had a reservation for the pickup truck. And they were like, no, we don't have a pickup truck. We have a van. We have a Sprinter van. Oh, so you got the Sprinter. I got the Sprinter van. That's not crazy.

They said the van. And then I went outside and all I saw were like the 15 foot trucks where'd you have to go for this it was in manhattan yeah just chelsea and uh oh yeah dude they are assholes there too they are they are the i thought like tsa was the worst they're way worse than tsa it's because they're selling like high power vehicles for the price of like a banana yeah dude it how is it i don't understand how that's legal how could i how could i just rent i could literally go and rent a 26 foot truck and just drive it around manhattan or like how do you not need a license how do you not have to have some sort of like special license a cdo yeah i could just rent a 26 foot truck but i can't go to like hertz at jfk

and rent a prius yeah Yeah, a smart car. Yeah, but a 26-foot truck. It really doesn't make any sense. Here it is. People smoke shit with those. Dude, yeah. It's insane. I was looking at the insurance, dude.

It's like $20. It's like anything. They're like, if you get hurt, we'll pay for it. If your belongings get hurt, if there's a fire, if you crash into someone else, and they're like, we know a lot of people don't know how to drive these trucks, so the insurance policy's super solid. And I'm like,

how is this legal? I feel like I've told this story on here before, but my boy John Orr rented a U-Haul truck in Philly to move in tight-ass streets, and he smoked somebody's rearview off, and he has a very heavy conscience, so he called the cops and waited for a half hour for them to get here. And he probably arrested the guy that he smoked.

They're like, he has the U-Haul insurance. We don't want to deal with that shit right now. It took like two hours of his time, and then he just went around the next corner and smoked someone else's windshield. Yeah, it's fucking horrifying. And then he just drove off. The second time, he was like, fuck this.

I'm not waiting again. They're way too tight. Yeah, my buddy that I, the guy that I helped, Derek, my friend that helped me move, I had to go pick him up. And he lives in East Village. And like the streets in East Village, they're tight. Like the in-between roads. And dude, I was driving and I was like, I'm going to fucking kill somebody in this thing. Because even the Sprinter van, I mean, dude, I've driven a car like once in the last like three years.

You don't know how anymore. The Sprinter van. You are you are up there. Like you're above the wheels, like way above the wheels. And you're like, I mean, you got to be at least like seven feet off the ground. It's like there's like stairs to get up to where you're going. The big box one. Like there's no rear view mirror in the middle.

No, there's no rear view in the in the other because there's a cage. It's like, you know how the vans, they have the cage behind. So you can't see anything. So it's twice as wide as what you're used to, twice as tall as what you're used to. You can't see anyone behind you or to the side of you. I kept on like looking behind me to see if there was like a biker and then I'm just looking in this back of the van. And there's

these two mirrors, but like they don't work like normal mirrors. They're like convex mirrors. You have to train your eye to be ready for them by the time you train your eye you've killed three pedestrians yeah it's fucking brutal it's insane and i like went i picked it up and uh so i got the van and then i'm just standing outside they don't give you any instructions like i hate when you go places like that and they just expect you to know where to go so i'm just like standing out and i hate not knowing where i'm supposed to be going or where i'm supposed to be very uncomfortable yeah so i'm just standing there and hugging yourself all work there and they're just walking by me and i'm like hi i'm here to pick up the sprinter van and they're

like yeah it's over there and i'm like well like do what you guys have like keys or anything and they're like oh yeah we'll get you the keys i'm like what like what did they want me like you want to be like hotwire the car or some shit. They were looking at me like I was insane. I was like, yeah, it's right there. What race were they? You know what race they were, bro. Yeah, they're Asian.

No, I'm kidding. They were all mixed races. Just kidding. They were all one race and they did not like me. And I think it was because of my race. But 99% sure it was because of my race. I'm like 99% sure it was because of my race that they did not like me. And then you go drop it off, dude.

You go drop it off, and they're just like looking at me like I'm fucking insane. And I'm like, am I all good to go? And they're like, yeah. And I'm sitting in the car for like 10 minutes before they say that I'm allowed to go. And then they're like, yeah, dude, you can leave.

People must just be dropping those shits off and like hiding the key so they'll like leaving them a treasure map to find the key dude they were assholes yeah they were crazy cranky people understandable but real cranky because because that's their job probably because they're probably because they're just inhaling fumes the entire time they're in a garage and they're like leave the car on kept on saying leave the car on if it kills us it kills us yeah they got the insurance on our life it was successful i will say i did get to my apartment on friday night i like moved so i brought all the shit into the u-haul and then i

drove it over to my new apartment right and i loaded and i brought it all up and uh i got up and i realized that i never called con ed so i just was in pitch black and uh and i called con ed i was on the hold with them for an hour and a half and then i just hung up and then i just was like i guess i'll just go out and then just come back and fall asleep here and then i fell asleep and i woke up and the lights were on oh they were on yeah well i did the con ed stuff online but you you you can't do like immediate turn on it's like it has to be like you've just said it you have to set it beforehand the earliest date was the next day yeah you vastly underestimated how much of an ordeal moving yeah i also did not move almost all of my stuff like most of my stuff is still at my

other but you still have your old apartment yeah i just gotta go get it it's like most of my clothes are there the video that you posted or the still photo that you posted of your little monitor on the ground was maybe the saddest thing that I've ever fucking seen in my life, dude. You don't have to live like that. You know that you're successful and old enough that you don't have to live like that. But I had, I didn't have anything else to put it on. I didn't have, like my desk just got here. I got to go home after this and set up my desk. You could have wall mounted it.

You know what I mean? How are you sitting? How was I going to wall mount it? How are you sitting? You up my desk you could have wall mounted it you know what i mean how are you how was i gonna wall mount how are you how would you think you think out that would be easier to wall mount were you laying on your tummy on the floor no i was sitting on the edge of my bed and playing it was actually like it was significantly better than my old setup your mattress was on the floor yes and you were sitting on the edge of it yes your monitor was on the floor you had to be fucking fully hunched over to be even be able to see it raised on what the box was there what kind of box did you not see the box it was like a one inch box yeah and it helped a lot yeah i watched succession last night i just stacked a bunch of boxes and then put one heavy one in the back and lean my tv up against it it's like a whole tv stand that

fucking episode there are so many boxes in my fucking in my apartment right now hundreds of boxes are you just gonna throw them out the window or just sleep on them? I don't know what I'm going to do. Dude, because Amazon, you'll order like a plunger and they'll send you a 20 foot box with a plunger just rattling around inside of it. Yeah. Or like five boxes. It'll be like a Russian Nessie doll with a little tiny plunger at the bottom of it. Super annoying.

Not true to size. What can you do? How fucking crazy was that Suck Session episode last night? You watched Suck Session? No, but I heard everybody saying how fucking crazy it was. Yeah, I don't want to spoil it for anyone. Pretty crazy though, huh? Yeah, you haven't watched it, Moog?

Yeah, I don't want to spoil it. It was crazy. Logan had that fucking, finally some comeuppance after he killed that guy season one. No, Logan didn't kill anyone, bro. You dumbass. Candle, candle, candle, candle. I don't fucking know, Logan didn't kill anyone, bro. You dumbass. Candle, candle, candle, candle. I don't fucking know, dude. Shit was good, though.

It was a good episode. Really? I didn't know that they did the whole, like, did you know that they did the whole, like, interviews with the actors after? Yeah. I never knew that they did that. Like, after every episode. Yeah, I didn't know they did that. I watch that for, like, every HBO show.

Yeah, they do it for every show. Every HBO show. So, maybe that's kind of on you. I noticed that yesterday like every HBO show. Yeah, they do it for every show. Every HBO show. So maybe that's kind of on you. I noticed that yesterday. You've never watched the show to the end. I'm not reading the shit before the show. Yeah, but do any of the HBO shows do that? Every HBO show.

You didn't watch on White Lotus? I didn't watch White Lotus. Oh, yeah? Too painful? After you didn't get the call? No, dude. I just didn't watch it. It was great. I heard. I'm going to get around to watching it. I'll probably watch, dude. I just didn't watch it. It was great.

I heard. I'm going to get around to watching it. I'll probably watch that soon. I'm watching Barry right now. Oh, Barry. Great show. Just started that. Funny ass fucking show.

Yeah. But also serious. Brings a little light to the plight of the hitman. Yeah. Probably a hard life. Probably, yeah. Probably pretty cool, though. Maybe. None of these motherfuckers know I'm a hitman. You, yeah. Probably pretty cool, though. Maybe.

None of these motherfuckers know I'm a hitman. Standing in the corner. No, but I mean, like, that's got to be how it feels at all times. Just like, you know, you could kill anybody. Yeah, it is interesting. You dress like the people that killed Batman's parents. I don't know who killed Batman's parents. I don't even know they showed that. In what movie do they show him dying? You mean the comic books? Yeah, I don't know who killed Batman's parents I don't even know

They showed that in what movie do they show them You mean the comic books Yeah I don't know in like Batman and Robin 96 Yeah I didn't watch that shit But you did get jeans for the first time in maybe I've had these jeans for a while No these are new

I mean I've worn them like once I have them because I brought all my laundry in today I think they look dope though I brought've worn them like once. I have them because I brought all my laundry in today. I think they look dope though. I bought every single pair of clothing that I have. I have no clothes. Some people disparage denim. No, I'm a big denim guy.

Really? Yeah. I've never seen you wear jeans. Well, I had to throw these on when I was building my chair yesterday. I was putting together my computer chair and I had to throw on the blue jeans. Smoke a corn cup. Yeah. It's cool. They come with a pack of Marlboro six just built into the back.

It was awesome. I was getting real. I was stretching them out, getting real low. The jeans. Yeah. Yeah. They were probably pretty stiff before that. Oh yeah.

Had them in the freezer for months. What with all the cum on top of the Japanese denim. Selvaged. Yeah. That sel all the cum on top of that. Japanese denim. Selvedged. Yeah. That's selvedged shit. I bought some. I was doing a lot of these, just giving myself a nice smack with them. They sound loud.

I feel like I'm Brett Favre. He was smacking a lot of ass in those commercials. Wrangler jeans. Yeah. Just getting real low. It's all about. I think he's calling hike. Yeah.

It's all about getting low and showing off the ass. Smacking another man's ass. Mine doesn't have that cool little leather pat leather patch on the back yeah like these are these are old navy yeah oh really you shouldn't have said that why all my pants are old navy these are i think that's the best you should get all your pants from one place then you go and you know exactly what size you are these ones are abercrombie and fitch yeah and you like you'll go someplace and you'll be like oh you're a 24 inch waist then you'll go to another place and they'll be like you're 43 inch waist why why is it not all the same they do lie to you you know what it is vanity sizing yeah bro they tell you you're like a little skinny bitch when it's like no you're fat i'm fat as shit

give me the right pants be real with me old navy yeah be real with me fucking 24s and then i go to somewhere else to get a 24 and i can't even fit them around one of my legs yeah that forever 21 yeah they're lying to you zara super annoying lying to you fuck them yeah it feels damn good to have the blue jeans on yeah just kind of feel like a man you can get rock hard and it just pushes your dick down yeah i'm gonna go to home dep Depot after this and just post up. Post up with the lumber. Yeah. Be like, I'm hard as you.

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Let's get back to the show, but that's Shady Rays, baby. Shady Rays, baby. Shady Rays. All right. Home Depot is dope to walk around, but it's a little bit overwhelming. It's like the biggest store in Manhattan. Yeah.

It's got to be one of them. It's tall. It's huge. It's big and tall. I love the videos of the pallets falling over all the fucking, whenever all the shelves fall over in a Home Depot or a big box store or warehouse. Yeah.

That's gotta be just a devastation. I would just quit instantly. You have to. Yeah. Or maybe it's fun for a couple of days, a little, a different task. Clean up. Yeah. Yeah.

Clean up's gotta be a good one. Yeah. It's like excavating after 9-11. I heard they got the best men from Home Depot after that. Yeah, probably. The best workers from Home Depot after that. Yeah, probably. The best workers from Home Depot in the tri-state area. The worst workers at Home Depot are the best workers at U-Haul. Home Depot boys have good work ethic.

Have you seen this video last week? The Home Depot workers who got caught snuggling on the job? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did see that. I know. That was tough. They were spooning in a bean bag. I don't know. That's way more weird. that's more weird than if they were just aggressively fucking i know they're just like

spooning with home depot with your work wife yeah yeah let's go take a weird like go take a little nap together their significant others have to feel more betrayed by the fact that they're just like snuggling like that it It wasn't even sexual. If they were like standing 69ing, it probably would have been better. I was just sucking his dick off. Yeah, yeah. But the fact that they were just like snoring like the seven dwarves, like me, me, me, me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Snuggling with each other. That is way more intimate. Like he's just like smelling her hair. Under a fucking bunch of boxes yeah like dwight and angela yeah but not even having the dirty fuck is there a whole episode of the office where they do that like a whole season everyone's going to that no not just them though like everyone in the office is going probably yeah because they all find dwight's spot kind of a dickhead move by whoever put that video out there sure show it to like mid-management but

don't show the whole fucking internet well that's just like that's just how the internet is now nothing you don't keep anything to yourself everything's got to go up gotta go on fight haven i honestly got a little weird weirded out when people take videos of me and then they don't post them on the internet like what do you do so you're just keeping that video to yourself just have that like what are you doing with that or like someone hitting you with a candid video and they're like no you weren't good enough yeah it wasn't good enough it's like well it was a candid video of me dude i wasn't trying to be good enough

yeah when we were moving my buddy derrick took a video of me and he was like yeah he's hit like 20 bikers he really doesn't miss and then he just kept it on his phone like what is this is just for your personal collection of like jokes he's probably waiting to save it for when you actually do hit 20 bikers yeah probably he's been a fucking maniac this is from three years ago we had to i had to have him parallel park it and i had to get out and direct him that's so embarrassing dude i was not gonna try and parallel park that thing how much older than you is he 20 years probably oh really yeah yeah well you got to give that up to him yeah he's not allowed to drive legally only u-hauls yeah that's probably how u-haul works yeah yeah yeah you can drive if

you have like under 10 duis you can drive a u- And if you have 10, you can only drive the 15-footers. You just can't drive the 26-footers if you have 20 DUIs. Imagine if I was just cruising around in the 26-foot U-Haul. With your 18-year-old ass. Going through puberty as

you smoke cars. That should be a social experiment, dude. An 18-year-old rents a pickup truck and they're like, all we got is the 26-footer. And they're like, I guess I'll take the 26-footer. You don't realize how big 26 feet is until you're standing next to the 26-foot U-Haul truck that you just paid $20 to drive around the city.

We should start sending 14-year-olds into U-Haul like truth.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's probably the same thing with like Hertz. Like with Hertz, you can pay, if you're 21, you can pay, if you're over 21, you can pay like 10 bucks extra and rent a car. Really? That's all it is?

There's some where you can do that. At U-Haul, it's probably like if you're under 18, if you're under 16, you can, if you're 16, you can rent a trailer there. I'm dead serious. I looked it all up. For what? What are you hooking a trailer to? I guess if you're like mowing lawns or some shit.

What? Or moving. I guess you can move, you can use your own car and attach a trailer. We just unearthed a fucking massive conspiracy with U-Haul.

What the hell's going on over there? I just don't understand how that's a thing. It's gotta be linked to fucking... Maybe they just like, maybe you're that young and you go in and they're just like, no. They're probably just like, fuck you. You're not getting a fucking truck. But they're probably not. Judging off of

who was there working, I'm assuming they're not telling anyone no. They never even asked for my license. This is America, bro. They really shouldn't be telling anyone no. That's true. They should just let people behind the wheel. How come there's like 14-year-olds that can drive race cars and shit like that? But my 95 year old grandpa fucking kills two people when he's driving and he can't go anymore.

He had to get him a 26 foot U-Haul able to drive with that thing. It's insane. You ever watch the old jackasses when they have like roller skating parties in the back of a U-Haul? No, no, no. They run a U-Haul and have like a roller derby like disco night that's hilarious getting smoked we gotta do more wacky hijinks like that they brought us into the fucking meeting yeah our yearly meeting and they're like we need you guys

to strap yourselves into a porta potty and launch yourselves yeah yeah cover yourselves with shit the mean girls are doing stuff more like jackass 2.5 yeah they want us to move studios right they want to start filming at our houses yeah that's why you move right yeah so we can fucking lie face down on the floor yeah yeah like we're snipers guys if you wanted to do that at my apartment but then i was like i like we couldn't find somewhere for me and you to sit but then i like they would all have to just stand there's literally nowhere to sit that would be funny to do it at your empty apartment like uh the end of fresh prince yeah just you looking around i was thinking about taking a picture like that for a while and i didn't do it damn bro kind of like your boy who never put out his content who Who's my boy? Derek. 42 year old truck driver who filmed you.

He told me about him not two minutes ago. It was hilarious. I teed him up and I was like, yo, I'll pay you $100 if you help me move my mattress. And he was like, what do I look like, dude? He was like, I make $100,000 a year. He's like, you think I need your $100 to move a mattress?

And then he said, yeah, I'll take the $100 to move the mattress. I said, yeah, look who the hundred dollars to move the mattress i said yeah look who yeah dumbass hundred dollars a hundred thousand dollars a year in new york bro he's basically on food stamps yeah it's more than i make he's basically in poverty double my barstool salary yeah but you're just moving from one project to another project at a hundred dollars is a lot for me that's like a week at barstool i want you to do more work bro you gotta fucking take time off from panhandling to do it yeah you're outside with a tin can and a guitar singing bob dylan tunes when i first started here i thought about getting another job i thought about like getting a job at a chipotle i'm not kidding i really did so i also just had nothing to do i was just doing

nothing and i was like maybe i'll just get another job and for the blog fuck around like tell people i mean jobs like that are the most fun yeah especially if i don't really need it you make probably better friendships yeah i just need some people and like you're in the same boat as everybody hating their life yeah like there's some people here who are rich as fuck just going home to their like families and shit like that yeah to their fucking massive mansions reeks goes home every night to his fucking boat house yeah it's fucking bullshit but uh you know some of us some of us have the short end of the stick we got to get it out the mud you know me and you brother no bro not me and you yes brother me and you same boat

what do you mean you make like 10 million dollars a year I fucking wish bro you think I'd be dressing what are you talking about have you ever noticed how I only have one fit bro my debit card is maxed out right now I didn't even know you could max out a debit card and you know how I know it's not card is maxed out right now my i didn't even know you could that's

not true and you know how i know it's not true pull your wallet out right now why because i know you have a fat wad of cash in there no you always do pull it out then i have like 20 dollars in my wallet let me dig him out of my blue jeans it's tough to it's tough to get him out of these things look at all that cash look at all that look at all that cash Look at all that Look at all that cash I have four dollars No you're hiding the hundreds Behind the four ones That you have in there There's definitely no hundreds

There might be some twenties He always sits with the fattest wad And pretends to be poor Twenty seven dollars Cause you feel like It would hurt your comedy career If they knew how rich you were I count it thirty four

I have twenty euros in my wallet yeah in case i ever need to get out of the country no i genuinely max out my debit card though you did yeah apparently i have like a spending limit i spent it all on a couch oh that's probably your single day spending limit no i think it's a week over at rockland trust we do things different it's a spending limit because like we literally don't have the other money like we're gonna have to like take a loan out to pay you back the bank is robbing peter to pay paul yeah just taking money out of some other we're gonna have to move some things around if you want to get that red bull someone else took out money this week yeah the guy in the account next you

actually got a red bull already this week so you can't yeah that's exactly how it is no that's not true bro yeah i know you're fucking swimming in it i see how much we're getting paid for this austin this little austin show i'm not getting paid that much to you maybe we're getting enough to me it's a lot yeah we're getting that we're getting a good chance to me it's a ton what is like a hundred twenty thousand oh you must have you must have gone that's what i'm saying i'm getting twenty thousand i'm getting dicked i knew you were getting that fat check you're a son of a bitch bro now moon tower will be fun it's gonna be a good time i'm excited so you're going thursday friday leaving saturday dude i gotta i gotta find a hotel with a cold

plunge bro i need to take my cold plunge in the morning yeah we should go to the mothership we gotta go to the mothership and fucking just chill at their cold plunges yeah just post up at their cold plunge i've been doing it every morning i feel so good i feel so good every single morning that i cold plunge it just makes you happy yeah your blood's flowing yeah doesn't it increase your dopamine my dopamine is so high right now yeah me too me too, dude. My dopamine is skyrocketing. Because of your cold plunging? No, dude, because I'm waking up every morning with just natural sunlight, just soaking it all in. My bed right now, it's in the living room.

Well, because I want to play video games and I don't want to sit on the floor, so I'm going to put my bed in there until I get things situated. And I have like a big window this big ass window and bay window looks out on i'm on the second floor but you got to go down when you walk into the building so technically i'm like two feet above ground level and i woke up the first morning and there was just people just looking directly into my apartment as i was sleeping yeah and i gotta get a curtain for that. It's like the windows at Macy's during Christmas time.

Little kids are like pressing their face up to the glass to see a magical nutcracker. And at night it's worse. At night it is just illuminating. You can see everything in there. You know when you turn the lights on and it's dark outside? Yeah, they can see you. You can't see them. Everything. Really? Yeah. You didn't know that beforehand? No, I didn't think of it. lights on and it's dark out outside yeah they can see you you can't see them everything really

yeah you didn't know that beforehand no i didn't think of it i mean i'm not worried about that like if it's that if that's like a living room like i don't care people can see me playing video games it's more just when i'm sleeping it's a little odd have you heard people talk about the naked neighbor yeah how you're you are they're the naked neighbor now i have to fucking change in the bathroom really yeah because someone might see your penis. They, someone will see, many people will see my penis. On the street? Yes.

And the apartment's next to me. Is your penis gonna be at eye level? In the apartment's next to me. Really? Yeah. What the fuck? I know. What's the address?

Don't worry about it, bro. I've gotta see your penis. Yeah, it's good shit, bro. It's good, good times over there. I made myself an egg sandwich this morning. That's fucking gross, bro. It's good times over there. Made myself an egg sandwich this morning. That's fucking gross, bro. You're back on that shit? I haven't had a home-cooked meal in probably a year and a half.

An egg sandwich does not count as a home-cooked meal. Yeah, it does, dude, because I'm not soaking it in salt and grease. What do you mean? It's home-cooked, bro. Less sodium. Everything that you get, even if you get something healthy from a takeout place, it's all soaked in oil and salt. How did you do your egg like over easy egg or you did like a hard boiled shit bro a scrambled egg sandwich i look like a fucking chef i'm taking

that i take that stuff and i pour it i pour the egg in and i just mix it up until it all looks like it's cooked and then i put it on bread and then i take one piece of bacon and i chop it up did you uh oil the pan up first? Maybe some Pam in there? Yeah, Pam. Pam? Got butter too, but not using it yet. Why not?

Holding off. Holding off for something better. You got to let it age a little bit. Yeah. I'm going to save it for like if I ever make a steak. I bought chicken. I got to make chicken at some point, but I don't have plates. Fuck, bro.

I'm going to get you a housewarming gift. So I'm going to get out of the pans. You pick what housewarming gift you want. I'll give you a couple options. Okay. Plates. Plates is good. 40-inch flat screen television. That's like less than plates.

Roomba. TVs are like free now. They just give them to you. I know. I have so many extras. I literally have a closet full of TVs. Plates are double the price of a TV. They spill out.

Yeah. I've been eating my- Also, a 40- inch flat screen is not that big 40 inch this is probably this is way more than 40 inch just about 40 maybe 45 no way it's about 40 i don't know i'm looking for like an 80 bro i just have so many though a spare 80 i've been eating my my meals off 80 inch flat screens because they're so much more accessible than plates these days. Do you remember when a TV was like, holy shit, that person has a big TV? Yeah. It'd be $3,000.

Yeah. We had two TVs. We had a TV and then a mounted TV next to it. We got a third under my bed. Yeah. Yeah. And you still somehow were watching off of like an Etch-a-Sketch. Dude, I like my TV.

Say what you want about it. I like it. Your boys were like explaining to you what you want about it i like it your boys were like explaining to you what was going on in war zone no no like you're a blind person they're fucked because they play from they play on big tvs not not nearly as fast frames per second as i have i'm at like a thousand frames per second and they're at like 20 that's why you're so fucking nice with it a lot of wins yesterday yeah solid session yesterday you're neglecting your family life brother now actually i even facetimed my mother my sisters and my

grandma separately because it was easter yeah did they send you an easter basket no i bet they did i i know they didn't probably just didn't get there yet they did not probably waiting for you back at home nope it's probably waiting for you back in Swampscott where you're from. Swampscott? No, that ain't me. Let us talk about GameTime. GameTime is the exclusive ticketing partner of Barstool Sports, traded by fans for fans.

GameTime is a ticketing app that makes it easier than ever to score last-minute deals on tickets to sports, concerts, and shows, and they guarantee the lowest price. I might get some playoff tickets, Sixers, Nets. There's going to be some games in Brooklyn. I might go and see the Sixers play. I know Feidelberg

went to see the Bruins game yesterday and he used GameTime to get those tickets. He saw them win the... Ooh, sorry. Philly. They played Philly, right? Did they? Yeah, and they just He saw them win the. Oh, sorry. Philly. They played Philly, right? Did they? Yeah. And they just diced them off.

Shut up, dude. It was 5-2, right? 5-2, 5-3, maybe? So what, bro? They also beat the win record of all time. We don't care about hockey. It's true. Flyers are good, though.

They used to be good. Yeah. In the 70s. Yeah. When you were a fucking kid. I thought I was so young back then. But you're old as hell now yeah old man old man i can tell by your dumb ass outfit by my blue jeans bro you make me look old bastard i know us kids don't have to listen to shit like that no we do not but we do have to listen to the great deals that they have over at game time game time the biggest last minute price drops can be found on the seats you thought you could never buy and

let's not forget concerts they got concerts let's not forget concerts friends are going to like brooklyn mirage like pretty lights or something like that they're like that on game time yeah do you guys know about game time because you get that for way cheaper way cheaper seats that you probably never thought you could buy yeah skip the hassle enjoy the moment download the game time app or go to the website enter your email and redeem code boy dad for 20 off your first purchase terms apply game time the exclusive ticketing partner of barstool sports i uh did you do anything for easter you're like a religious dude You go to church? Yeah I went to church Praise the Lord He is risen

For he has risen Yeah Christ has died Christ has risen Christ has come again Were you all sitting in your Like Brooklyn apartment Holding hands

Shaking He's here He has risen They had a fucking baptism At the church Really? Grown men getting baptized. Oh, yeah.

When they dunk them in the beach. It was. Can they do the beach or do they do a pool? They didn't even dunk them fully. They just had like a little bucket of water. But like they were supposed to be a shell. You don't want to be a grown man getting the bucket of water. You want to be in the beach. Yeah.

They should have fully dunked him. Yeah. But they were like, these were like college. You actually went to church. You actually went to church. I went to church. Yesterday. On Saturday night. Damn. See, I told you you were a religious guy. Of course, bro. Sorry. I didn't mean to church. I went to church. Yesterday. On Saturday night.

Damn. See, I told you you were a religious guy. Of course, bro. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you with my he is risen joke. I made the joke. No, I made it first. And I made it way funnier than you did. God takes joy in what we take joy in.

So if you have a perverse sense of humor where you make fun of the Lord and Savior. God would not take joy in killing the enemy like I do. War zone. You're just laughing with your blood lust. Yeah. I got a sign for my apartment it says uh please knock gamer inside he bites he's vicious he bites i'm gonna get a doormat too that's one of the most cringeworthy things. Careful. Gamer on the loose inside. You ever did? Throw him back in the back of your U-Haul. Gamer on board.

Gamer on board? Drive careful. Gamer on board. Probably gaming. Yeah. Knock a couple times. He's probably gaming. Yeah, yeah. Please curb your gamer.

Excuse my language. He's a gamer. Live, laugh, game. Yeah. I do got to tone down my language when I'm gaming though Because I realize that my neighbors can probably hear me And I'm just yelling Yeah the people on the street People on the street can hear me yeah It's like TRL

They're like surrounding your War is happening in that room They think it's domestic abuse I gotta get a doormat that says that I know you have one already. I'm gonna make a custom one. What should it say? I am gay. Well, that wouldn't make sense. No, it would make perfect

sense. How else did you get pink eye if you weren't eating a man's ass? Do I look like I have pink eye? You have the pinkest eye I've ever seen. Do I really? Yes. It's so pink. You keep on touching it and you keep on touching the mic. I popped a blood vessel. It's not pink eye. It's not eating a man's ass. You keep on touching it and you keep on touching the mic. I popped a blood vessel. It's not pink eye. It's not eating a man's ass.

No way. When a man farted as you ate his ass. I actually saw that. Guy's ass when you were fucking point blank at it. When you were one centimeter away. You see what I see? It's really not that bad. I've had pink eye.

You would know if I had pink eye. It's crusting over right now. No, it's not. You have a fucking deep pus fucking seeping from your eye like sewage. No way. It looks like Ghostbusters. Looks like a primordial ooze. Looks like the La Brea Tar Pits fucking seeping out of your eye. Pink eye's rough.

No shit, bro. Now suddenly it feels itchy. Dude, you've been touching it so much and you keep on readjusting the microphone. dude you've been touching it so much and you keep on readjusting the microphone woe betide the fucking next people that come in here and have to fucking sit in the vicinity of your conjunctivitis ew bro he left a film why did that leave fucking a splatter pattern yeah he's go bearing right now dude that's how covid literally started it looked like after two people kissed like there's this string gross dude it's so disgusting

dude i do not have pink eye how do you know i got sleepy eyes i'm sleepy because they're crusting shut because of the pink eye this is what happens when you play so much fucking video games bro yeah and you fucking don't take time to shit so you're just fucking it's called a Because they're crusting shut because of the pink eye. This is what happens when you play so much fucking video games, bro. Yeah, and you fucking don't take time to shit, so you're just fucking... It's called a gamer eye. Dumping your pants while you fucking dump clips out. What's your best gun these days? Beware, gamer inside.

Beware, a gamer who has not fucking cleaned his ass. Beware of the stench a gamer's inside. He fucking goes to bed with an itchy butthole and wakes up with sticky fingers and goes to bed the next actually uh place is pretty clean we got a i accidentally ordered a 24 pack of paper towels and toilet paper so i will probably be a year before i need more paper towels and toilet paper that's probably for the best though because you probably run out and go a year without buying any new shit. You're just using like,

I don't think that would happen. What else did I get? I got a bunch of soap. I got like a 12 pack of soap. So we're soaped up. I'm going to buy you a candle, bro. I could use a candle or maybe some lamps,

some lights. I got it. I was going to get, I just got to buy like a, I need trash bags. Definitely need trash bags. Definitely need trash bags. Definitely need trash bags. Right now the boxes are kind of being used as trash bags.

And you can't recycle the shit that's inside the boxes, but you have to recycle the boxes. Luckily, it's New York. You can just whip the shit outside. Yeah. Throw it on the ground. It's so funny. That's actually what you're supposed to do. Like just leave it outside.

Yeah. Someone will come get it. Yeah. When I lived lived in la they would like sort your recycling for you yeah and then in new york the best i'll just like i would like leave clothes outside like if i was just done with clothes i would just leave them stacked and folded like right outside of my apartment on top of the recycling bin and like within five minutes someone would have just taken all of them yeah people take everything they're just wearing them down the street quarters it's awesome one man's trash is another man's come up yeah treasure the boy macklemore said macklemore macklemore said come up bro he's a genius huh he said he's a genius yeah he is have you heard

his new shit to say treasure yeah and he said come up instead well it's a little turn of phrase that's how hoboo Johnson got his start. You could see every time you listen to Hobo Johnson that he's just a Macklemore. Yeah, you could feel the Macklemore influence. Goats take after goats. Yeah. Mack Miller took after Hobo Johnson. Yeah.

Yeah. Big time. I know that's your fave. Mack? Yeah. Well, I call him Malcolm. I know, you definitely do. I call him malcolm i know you definitely do i call him malcolm mccormick bro yeah what did you say his name was though mac miller shit i haven't heard that name

in a while dude i go by his old block and fucking dumbo every other weekend just to see how where he used to live bro just to walk the streets that he used to walk i'm sure you've never gone on the matt miller tour yeah bro i have i just called it matt miller so you don't know what the fuck you're talking about matt yeah we used to call him matt all the time oh man for a second i thought you were in the loop no i thought you were in the loop you don't know shit about that his song about going to heaven and stuff i'm a big malcolm fan so what did he say heaven was like christopher wallace fan you know chris from bed style the livest one it's so funny when you see dudes who are like uh what's your favorite neighborhood in in new york and people are

like bed style the livest one but it's like it's like fucking a white dude who moved here from somewhere else it's just uh funny to hear people like claim beds die like it's like biggies yeah like it's like super thorough yeah as if it hasn't been completely changed over oh yeah that's like people always talk about like southie of boston like that they're like oh that's like we're like uh like goodwill hunting and shit it's like no southie is like the nicest part of b now. Yeah. Or one of them. Bed-Stuy is where like- That's where all the college kids live, right? Yeah.

Yeah, like the Whole Foods CEO lives and shit like that. Like the Etsy offices are in Bed-Stuy and shit. Dude, have you seen the- For Whole Foods, the base is Southie. Yeah. Every listener.

Have you seen these new man on the street trends that are like, these are the worst ones yet. They go around and they go, how old are you? And it's like a little kid and trends that are like, uh, these are the worst ones yet. They go around and they go, how old are you? And it's like a little kid. And he'll be like, Oh, I'm a, I'm 57. And they're like, okay, I'll buy you something for $57 in the mall. They're always in the mall. And then they go, Oh, and by the way, do you follow me on Instagram? It's a Adam Farone.

And they're like, Oh shit. Yeah, actually I do follow you on Instagram. Like, all right, it's an extra $20. Or they'll be like, Hey, I'll, I'll buy you something at the mall. If you, if you follow me on Instagram and then like, Oh my God, I do follow you on instagram like all right it's an extra 20 or they'll be like hey i'll buy you something at the mall if you if you follow me on instagram and i'm like oh my god i do follow you on instagram you haven't seen these no oh dude i went through a big kick of those last night and i was just furious yeah those those sound infuriating the ones that have been pissing me off recently are guys who will like be like hey, have you and your kids ever been to wrestling before? Oh, yeah, yeah. We're not even going to wrestling. Yeah, yeah, they're always Mexican.

Yeah. They're always Mexican. But they're always so staged. Yeah. Or it's just like... And they're like, well, guess where you're going tonight? Thanks, mister. The last row of WrestleMania.

Yeah. Bring some binoculars and maybe you'll be able to see. But they do always wind up like meeting somebody like they always wind up meeting the worst wrestler yeah we're going to introduce you to some wrestlers yeah it's like the like fourth woman on the roster and wrestling that shit is insane i don't understand the people that watch those two and are like oh my god this is so amazing it's like no it's not's disgusting. I like when they brought like a really...

If you can't afford wrestling tickets, you shouldn't be there. Yeah, they give them away. Have you ever been to a wrestling thing? Yeah. WrestleMania?

Not WrestleMania. I went to All In. All In's good. All In's fun. You've never been to All In, but it wasn't in Chicago. I went for a bachelor party. It was fun.

Bro, you wouldn't know what to do at a bachelor party. What would you do? I don't know. What would you do? I guess for a bachelor party. It was fun. Bro, you wouldn't know what to do at a bachelor party. What would you do? I don't know. What would you do? I guess I don't know. I guess you're right. Yeah, exactly.

Who would you even talk to? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anyone. Would you talk to anybody? Would you bring anything? No, probably not. Well, you're supposed to bring something.

I don't know. You'd show up empty handed? I guess so. Fucking rookie. I'm such a piece of shit. I got to show you the ropes, kid. I came to the stand the other night Yeah you were shit faced I lost my wallet

Francis can you help me find my wallet Fucking embarrassing me I got as drunk as you for your birthday No you got way more drunk than me I was sober And you were going up on stage with no idea how drunk you were. Well, I thought we were going to play pool later on.

Why'd you guys leave? I thought we were going to shoot some pool. You guys abandoned me on my birthday. Because the clock shrunk. I went to go to the bathroom and I came back and you're gone. And you're like, we couldn't find you, dude. We had no idea where you went. And you were the one that wanted to play pool. You're like like i think we go play a little pool after this and i

was like i guess i kind of just want to go home to be honest but since we got to celebrate you guys it seems like it's your birthday not my birthday and then i come back from the bathroom and you're gone come back and then i'm just stuck there me and francis went went out for fucking four hours after that fine by me i went home and slept like a baby. We went to the Skull and Bones and fucking read Shakespeare. Yeah. We fucking exchanged our thoughts on literature. It was insane that you guys, like, I didn't care that you guys left. It was insane that you were acting like I was gone for a long time.

You were gone for so long. I legitimately went to the bathroom and came back. You were gone for so long. And I was like, oh, I wonder where they went. And then like 20 minutes passed and I was like, what the fuck? I did get absolutely toasted, though. Yeah, you were hammered. Yeah, that was like oh i wonder where they went and then like 20 minutes passed and i was like what the fuck i did get absolutely toasted though you were hammered yeah that's why i fucking left bro it was probably for the best they were gonna kick you out i talked to the manager they always like get him out of here they were gonna kick you out because you kept on going back on stage to do your comedy when it wasn't your turn

you like wrestled the mic from akash Singh. Was Akash there? Of course. He's always there, that bastard. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. Getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process, especially because we're always growing and changing. Always growing and changing. I'm always growing and changing.

It's as simple as that. Is that true? Every day I'm a new person. Yeah, you just change your pants to these new jeans that you have on right now. First time I've seen you change in a while. It must be the BetterHelp that you're doing. It's probably the BetterHelp. I talked to my therapist over at BetterHelp and he said,

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Yeah, right. That's not what you were saying. You were talking a lot of shit. I've never talked shit. You and Benedict Polizzi Were fucking destroying A couch He was making an appearance For my B-Day Yeah he did

That's a B-Day present I could ask for That was sick Poliz He was there Who else was there? He was making a lot of wine He was a wine guy

Was he? Yeah I literally don't remember The conversations I had With anybody I don't remember either I was bummed You went out for cocktails

I was just super tired I was too that's why I had to get out of there I wanted to hang out for your birthday I was pretty pumped that you guys left I was like oh fuck yeah we're going home cause we planned to stay out but I had to get out of there I honestly was surprised that you stayed for so long I thought you were going to just leave

I know but I was just trying to be a good friend we were drinking for like 10 hours and I was a supportive good friend and you're like you're drunk but then in the same breath you'll be like you don't even drink I know, but I was just trying to be a good friend. We were drinking for like 10 hours. And I was a supportive good friend. Yeah, it was fun. And you're like, you're drunk. But then in the same breath, you'll be like, you don't even drink. It's like, bro, you can't have it both ways. It's called bullying.

You can't have it both ways. It's called I was bullying you. And it worked. And then you went to go get like a vape and Rowan comes back 45 minutes later and he's like, didn't have my wallet. I don't know where you were. Got lost. I went and i went out a search party for you yeah yeah a bunch of comics were like walking through the fucking uh washington square park shuffling their feet to see if they could find my dead body like a bunch of archers when

you lose one of your arrows i know you've never gone shooting arrows before but that's what it's like i haven't maybe we'll go shooting in Austin. Arrows. Bullets. No, I want to shoot arrows. I want to shoot my crossbow. I'm going to bring my longbow down there. I'm going to check my longbow for two days.

I'm going to have my fucking elk hunting bow. I just got a fishing rod. You did? Yeah, fly fishing rod. Fly? Yeah. You're not going to bring it to Iceland, are you? Yeah.

That's why I got it, dude. You're going to bring it? We're literally just doing a fishing trip. That's what it's turned into. That's hilarious. Six days out in the lakes, out in the rivers. You're going for six days now? I thought it was four. Now it's six.

You keep on tacking on days. Second to the eighth. Your eye is getting so pink. It's getting redder. Yeah. It's getting more red. And the microphone's getting red too. It's starting to feel like heavy and itchy.

The microphone is starting to literally- I probably have not thought about it once the entire day. And now all of a sudden I'm, no, dude, it's- It's very fine. It's red on the inside, which is where the vessel has been bursted. You've never burst a vessel before? Doing what? Just like scratching your eye Why were you scratching?

I don't know I do that all the time And then you wake up Yeah but after you touch your butthole That means that there are I don't touch my butthole bro Yes you do No I don't

Even in the shower? Yeah even in the shower Oh so you have a dirty butthole I got a dirty ass yeah That's gross That's probably how you're getting Fucking folliculitis all over the place I touch my toes

And I spread my cheeks I let the water do the work i take a i take a i take a bar of soap and i put it in between my ass cheeks and i bend over it makes sense there's handprints that's almost fucking yeah it was really just in a four-point stance yeah and like in the asshole clean welcome some fucking heat in what you need to switch over to is some cold water bro that'll get you feeling happy that'll get the dopamine flowing i would never do that i don't like i i think i get the same amount of dopamine that i get from taking a nice warm shower that way more dopamine than i would be getting from taking a painful cold shower you don't even know what dopamine is everyone's like well no that's

easy dopamine you don't want easy dopamine. That's how you get depressed. You know it's the hardest thing that you're going to do all day is when I'm fucking sitting in my three-headed shower using my loofah and some very expensive shampoo. I gotta go to Home Depot after this and build shit. That's going to be way harder

than sitting in a cold shower. You think I brought out the blue jeans for nothing? What are you about to build? I'm building a desk. A building a desk? Yeah, from scratch. No, you're not. I just ordered wood.

Yeah, I ordered wood and steel. What kind of wood? Just wood. I looked up wood and I hit purchase. It's just a tree. I got to like shave it down and everything.

You're not equipped to do that. Yeah. You don't have the fucking manly instincts you don't you don't have the know-how you don't know phrases like measure twice pretty hard no it's really hard and it makes you feel really good in between this and my shows tonight i gotta go build shit yeah right dude yeah what shows do you have 10 50 how long you doing five minutes how long you been doing coffee or how long you been doing stand-up 10 years exactly doing the same 15 minutes bro now i'm doing 15 minutes and

i'm doing new stuff yeah that shit's not fucking hard it's not i know that's how because you could do it as drunk as you were i was not drunk dude i was actually purposely not getting drunk because i was like i gotta go up tonight dude we went because I was like, I got to go up tonight. Dude, we went and we're fucking. I was like, I got to go up tonight and literally put on a masterclass on stage. We were slamming cocktails. I apologize to the waitstaff because of how hard people are laughing and they're all spilling drinks everywhere. No, you fucking.

I go, make sure you guys tip the waitstaff because of what just happened up here. You impishly hid my wallet. God, it looks like a tornado went off in the room. You fucking like stuff my wallet. God, it looks like a tornado went off in the room. You fucking stuffed my wallet between two fucking couch cushions. That shit wasn't fucking funny, bro. How do you lose your wallet? Just keep it in the back of your blue jeans, bro.

I can barely even get it out if I want to. Yeah, you're going to get sciatica because you got your wallet in your fucking blue jeans. I'm sure those. I'm sure that things are just slipping out of those little gay-ass pants. Yeah, bro. I said it that things are just slipping out of those little gay ass pants. Yeah, bro. That said it.

These are karate pants, bro. Like a fucking roundhouse kick your ass, bro. These are chef's pants. Oh, man. Feels good. Just get a little stretch in. Those jeans don't stretch. Yeah, these are stretchy jeans.

There's no way that there's an ounce of elastic built into those. Yeah. Feel them, bro. Take a pull at them. Grab a pull. Grab a pull. Yeah. Those aren't stretching. Good stretch Yeah. Feel them, bro. Take a pull at them. Grab a pull. Grab a pull. Yeah. Those aren't stretching.

Good stretch. Yeah, right, bro. My blue jeans. Pass those down to your ancestors. You could get buried in those bitches. Yeah.

Well, they're Japanese denim. These things last forever. You're not supposed to wash these. You put them in the freezer to wash them. Kind of like rebuilds their character.

It does give them good character. That old Japanese navy. I've been sleeping in them honestly because for some reason when i wake up after i've slept in my blue jeans i just have like an i have an urge to work and build you just get out building yeah i've been volunteering at construction sites and they see the jeans and they go this guy knows what he's doing this guy knows how to handle power tools that's probably why they offered me the 26 footer at u U-Haul because I was wearing the blue jeans. Right. So that's a guy that knows his way around a 26-footer.

You're in the front yard of the Home Depot. Yeah. With some of your South American homies. Yeah. Some of your Central American boys looking for trabajo. Yeah. You pick up the trabajo real fast. Let's go get a couple of Modellos after this, after we clock out.

And have like the best lunch ever. Yeah. The most delicious. Let's go get a couple of hoagies and some Modellos. this after we clock out and have like the best lunch ever yeah the most delicious go get a couple hoagies and some modellos no bro those dudes are not having hoagies they're having like fucking some beautiful enchiladas the cheesiest enchiladas that fucking with cheese that pulls apart like your pink eye touching a microphone dude it's not pink eye bro it is pink i can smell it you'd be lucky i smell it no i swear to god i fucking smell it you can't smell pink eye i can bacterial infection i can it's like a dog that can smell cancer i can

smell the pink eye on you smell cancer there are some dogs that can do it yeah can they smell a man from a mile away you can probably see one all you gotta look is for is the blue jeans blue jean baby sing it l.a lady seems just for the band see no one's singing that about those pants you never hear a song called white jean baby what bro those jeans what am i looking at here give them a pull those do not stretch see these these are the kind of those are like the pants that i would that kids would wear in my town growing up for their like senior pictures maybe like spread out on a beach with flip-flops on with their knees like an unbuttoned like uh like a an unbuttoned shirt yeah or with

their family yeah vineyard vines in the background vineyard vines logos everywhere so happy to be graduating these are these are a pair of pants that you go i'm going to the fucking military i'm not even graduating i got my ged i'm going to trade school learn how to fix shit no bro those are those are those are i'm going over to penn. Learn how to fix shit. No, bro. Those are... I'm going over to Penn State to have fun for four years. No, these are... I thrifted those pants, and then I gave them back to the thrift store, and then I thrifted the same pair of pants from the thrift store for more money.

Hell no, dude. You keep on buying the same pair of pants. You don't thrift Old Navy. These remind me of my old jeans that I used to have. You go to Old Navy, and you get genuine Japanese leather. Japanese denim. My bad. Yeah, right. I got pair of japanese denim my bad yeah right pants too old navy for the night out they're pretty proud that everything's made in america yeah they love that it's made in america and you can tell because it's shit quality secret menu dude if it rains on those i go and you go wear the japanese denim no bro yeah yeah if someone sneezes on those i got my like i got like i got on like an american

outfit right now i got my converse my blue jeans and my polo jacket. Japanese blue jeans and my polo jacket. Eastern European beanie. This is all, this is America. This is how God intended a man to dress. And that's how you could tell it's going to fall apart in just a second. That's how the devil intended a man to dress. No, this shit is all, this is all fucking made in Europe from a sweatshop or a fucking

Asia in a sweatshop, bro. Not these. I just stitched these myself. This is well made. This shit is going to last. fucking made in europe from a sweatshop or a fucking asia in a sweatshop bro not these this is stitch these myself this is well made this shit is gonna last nike sweatshop oh uh abercrombie definitely sweatshop yeah some kids worked hard on that fit yeah i'm saying for one cent a year heavy slot i wonder if in the nike movie they talk about the sweatshops do they one sentence really what do they say? Bateman brings it up and then Matt Damon's like, ah. Yeah, of course, yeah.

And that was it. We all, yeah, yeah. In the book, he brings it up. My daughter told me sweatshops are bad. I don't really know if I believe her. Yeah. I used to use sweatshops all the time. I didn't know it was bad. Until my daughter told me at dinner, hey, you gotta stop using sweatshops. I would kill kids all the time in sweatshops. I didn't know it was bad, my daughter told me at dinner hey you gotta stop using sweatshops i would kill kids all the time in sweatshops i didn't know it was bad fundamentally

in the book they're like he phil knight is basically like yeah we use sweatshops but they were like the highest condition sweatshops oh yeah they were the best sweatshops in all of all of asia yeah you don't get nike without some top tier asians working behind it right they were the best kids They had all the other kids killed they said. Top tier children. Yeah. They weeded out the shitty kids.

We got the best kids in Asia working on these Nikes. That's what Squid Games was based on. Yeah. The one kid that made it to the end earned the right to work

in Phil Knight's sweatshop sewing together some dunks some 77 Blazers. 77 Blazers. You have a sick mind, bro. No, bro. I'm not the wrecker that that was you. It's not even like that, bro.

I was just trying to go along. It's not even like that, bro. I felt uncomfortable that whole time. And I said, I guess I'm going to go with it. Yeah, you are a snowflake, bro. Yeah. You're about to text your boy Bowen Yang. You won't believe what he just said.

I'm ready to get out of here, man. Come get me. Tell Lauren to come get me. I'm ready, man. You got any spots over there? Disparaging other people. Disparaging Colin Jost. Don't talk shit about us on Elbrow.

You think you're about to get the spot on the desk? Do not. You ready for the desk, bro? You think you're ready for the desk? Don't talk shit about SNL, bro. You think you're about to get the spot on the desk? Do not talk shit about the desk. You ready for the desk, bro? Don't talk shit about the desk. You think you're ready for the desk? Don't talk shit about the desk. You're not ready for the desk. Your joke writing's not tight enough.

You're too wordy. Oh, man. It's not like how the fucking goats did it. Norm, you ever read his book? Bro, you've never read his book. I've read his book. No, you haven't. I've read his book. You haven't i've read his book you

know who wore jeans no mcdonald yeah yeah copying his style i've been listening to his specials i've been jotting down all the jokes that i'm gonna steal this is good this is good how many people have heard this cliff yeah not many people know this one i don't know if you'll know this one time for them to hear it i'm'm going to blow this joke up. And they're going to blow me up. People got you good, bro. Yeah, they did me dirty. People say you rip off two like polar opposite people. Oh, no, it's expanded.

I have five comments in a row. This is a Patrice bit. This is a KB bit. This is Nick's bit. This is John Mulaney's bit. And then the other people, when they say, no, it's not. It's not their bit. Then they go, well, it's not a good bit.

And they go, so which one is it? It's either five different people's joke or it sucks. I think they're saying that Patrice and Mulaney sucked. Yeah, that's what they're saying. Either this was Patrice's best bit

or it's not funny. Or it's not funny. Yeah, exactly. Dude, Mulaney went to church too, bro. Mulaney went to church. Me, I went to church. Mook, Mook goes to church. You went to church, Mook? Oh, I go. Noms and church too, bro. Mulaney went to church. Me, I went to church. Mook goes to church. You went to church, Mook?

Oh, I go. Noms and noms, dude. That like doesn't count, let's say. That's not, does not count? Yeah, none of the noms is. Yeah, you guys sing there? Yeah, it's crazy. They have juice and like guitars.

Oh, is it like that? Like they're all singing and shit? They have a whole band. Front to tip, what is it, like 35 minutes? Like 45 with 30 of like just singing. That's awesome. That's cool. We would sing in Catholic church.

Gloria, Gloria. That was fun as hell. Yeah. Dude, Catholic church makes no sense because like you go from like, there's no transitions. You go from like, they say a prayer and then all of a sudden out of nowhere the band's just like gloria like they just break out into song there's no like rhythm and right before that is some latin dude pony with the stand-up like no no no no you need transitions play the piano you gotta be like hey we're gonna do we're gonna sing some songs now everyone get up let's get singing it's just all of a sudden out of where someone just walks to the front and they start

singing i think people are used to it because they go every week yeah that's probably true but they do genre hop they're like in the name of the father they're like they're like flicking you with with uh the body of for the i don't know what is it what do they do when they do that they the dude got me from point blank bro he basically splurged on my face yeah cause you probably could see the devil in you with those white jeans on it wasn't that I think that he was treating me like the dolly lamb he was going

right for the jeans he was picturing what he would have did if he got me turned blue Jesus turned the white jeans blue lord have mercy he was probably trying to get him see-through he was like let me get this guy's white pants see what that print looks like white jean contest spitting on me these fucking dirty ass priests and they're fucking just clinking incense around i'm confused we're doing. Are they doing that now at church? You got a hippie church.

No, dude. It was like ancient Roman incense. It was some weird shit. Some goofball shit. Like, are they into the rituals? Or like, is Jesus flipping over the tables in the temple because we're too, you know, money-based? Are we worshiping false idols?

Or are we whipping around incense and fucking building massive churches as a fucking supplication to our God? Yeah, clip this. Let's get this out there. Which one is it? The Easter floral budget is like six figures. Right. The lighting at this church I went to was like fucking

Kanye's last concert. Yeah, Sunday service. The priest popped through the floor like Michael Jackson. Was it long? Was yours long? Two hours. Yeah. Seven readings.

Did they do the full passage? No, no, but they were doing, they were giving me like the damn near the whole Old Testament. Taking it back to let there be light and shit.

Was it good? Was it fun? Was it boring? The baptisms were lit. I can't believe you had to go to a baptism one, double down with an Easter one, dude. I'm surprised it wasn't three hours long. The priest had the, they didn't give him the shell that he was supposed to use to like douse these dudes. And he just used his bare hands and was like slapping their forehead with the fucking water yeah so aggressive into them and these dudes had quaffs bro these dudes had beautiful hair and

he just completely wrecked their hair just fucking dousing it the whole rest of the mass they were fixing their shit yeah self-conscious and you're soaked are you at the gym now i'm just getting baptized fuck do i baptize through my shirt sucks ruin my fucking shirt with the spirit of the lord you gotta wear your because you gotta wear your best fit when you're getting baptized you know you wonder if the i wonder if the body of christ stands i wore a dress when i got baptized they make you slip on the dress no when you're a baby yeah yeah they made these dudes because they were dripped out. Yeah.

The guy was wearing some fly ass white jeans and they're like, no, you have to put on this frock over the top of it. They slipped him into a little priest garb. Because you're seeing a guy in Supreme and you're like, does he really even need Christ in his life? It looks like he's killing it already. It seems like he's already blessed. Yeah. It seems like he's already been anointed.

Yeah. My boy's touched holier than thou. Yeah. They want to bring you down to as low as you can get. Throw on some scrubs or some shit. It's fucking bullshit. Then you'll get baptized. Dudes always go up to the fucking... Some famous star by

stripes. The famous shit. That was classic. Stars and stripes was sick. In the name of the Father. Gloria. I never heard that one. You never heard that one?

That one's good. That one's fun. That one's classics. You got into that one. This one, they were like, Michael and all angels pray for us. It was fucking sick. What do they sing at your church?

Dude, it's like a Christian rock. Really? They're just singing like Blink-182. A lot of Chris Tomlin, Matthew West. Yeah, everyone's on methadone. With our homes wide open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on Jesus.

Luke, do you go up and sing? That's crazy. As a child, I've gone up and done like skits You guys are running sketches over there? We do sketches during Christmas time dude That's awesome what are they like? Are they funny? No definitely not It's just like reenacting the Jesus stuff

It seems like it has to be funny We treated that like jury duty though You tried to make an excuse. No, I wanted to do it. I tried to get out of it. Mook played the burning bush. Lay out the frankincense. Yeah, that frankincense.

Did they crucify us for the sketch? Mook was God. Mook was Jesus. Yeah. That's brutal. Man. It's the best, though. I went because my dad sings in the choir, so I go to support him.

I hadn't been on Easter in like 10 years. They fucking light candles out front. I used to just go with my boy Mike to go get fucking... Oh, you'd get wine drunk? No, no. We would get barbecue instead of going to church. We would just load up on barbecue on Easter. Get some fucking ribs.

That sounds awesome. It's awesome. Yeah, that sounds awesome it's awesome yeah that sounds good you uh you ever go to black church no no we had a black church takeover at our church oh shit like another church come in and do like we had that though yeah and it was lit it's like wilding out great yeah like your church versus the black church you guys were like you guys were spitting bars at each other now you wild out the red squad the blood of christ he's risen now you wild out christ is risen but your dad's dick wasn't you know they do some shit like that when the black church came to our church

like you could see like all like the like super white ladies in our church trying to like like tap along oh yeah super offbeat yeah white folks are dumb but like show they had rhythm they're like slapping on the pew Rowan you should go up so you should go to mook's church and spit some bars they'd probably love you

there yeah dude there's a contingent of battle rappers that also that do shit like that at all and it's not just shit like that they do like stage plays for jesus yeah like they probably get hired by mook's church yeah yeah there are those types of dudes that's crazy it's so funny you were like you were you knew you were you knew you were born for the stage at a young age oh of course yeah that was when you first got a taste dude the church is big too taste of the light 300 people oh yeah it's a big room theater it's a hell of a room yeah it's an old movie you were doing three oh yeah i was doing 300 person rooms yeah bro holy holy family's got a great room crowds they're killer killer father they're they're great yeah you're gonna love them bro Yeah, bro. Holy family's got a great room. Crowds there. Killer.

Killer, father. They're great. Yeah. You're going to love them, bro. Give them hell. Give them hell, father. This fucking deacon. All right. How long have we been going? We're good. 60.

60? Unless you want to keep going. I'm cool. No, bro. Let's get the fuck out of here. All right. Thank you for listening. We'll see you guys next week. Make sure you subscribe to the podcast.