Son of a Boy Dad - Boozin' in the Bayou feat. Francis Ellis - Son of a Boy Dad: Ep. 110

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

Francis joins the show and talks about going out with Rone and Sas, getting passed at Rogie's mothership, doing a sandbagger with Sas, and a big whodunnit situation that happened in Plano. Rone got hammered in New Orleans, Sas IS NOT wearing his grandparents clothes, and all Rone wants for his birthday is to buy bottle service for Sas. Very funny episode today, enjoy. LIVESHOW TICKETS - THIS FRIDAY 4/21 @ AUSTIN, TEXAS: https://www.capcitycomedy.com/shows/213759 Ads: Gametime - Download the Gametime app or go to https://barstool.link/GametimeApp, enter your email, and redeem code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply).You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. All righty, welcome back to Son of a Boy Dad Podcast. Today it is April 17th, it is Monday, it is 3 p.m., and we are here in the studio ready to just have a good time. It's good time central. Good times galore.

Before we get into all that, me and Roan, we got a big show coming up this week. Oh, my God. We've been preparing, though. Rehearsal's been good. But some of my choreography's a little bit slow. Yeah, we're still working on all the dances and everything. The ball step change. It's going to be like a Bollywood movie. Exactly. gonna be like slumdog millionaire yeah it's gonna be like rrr

they're thinking about moving us to the arena because we've sold so many fucking tickets have have we sold tickets we've sold a decent amount but there's still there's still a lot of tickets available. Probably like a hundred. They're moving fast. They're going fast. I think that we should just let everybody who comes get, get a crack at it.

Just come up on stage. Have them do some podcasting. We'll just do like a kill Tony, but for podcasting. Yeah. My headphones are sounding weird. I'm just going to get rid of them. But yeah, it's going to be fucking dope,

dude. It's going to be just, it's going to be zany, man. It's going to be, it's gonna be fucking dope dude it's gonna be just it's gonna be zany man it's gonna be it's gonna be fun wacky slapstick violent violent slapstick wacky sexual yeah beers show them what show them the props that we were working with oh no bro save that for the show save for the show dancing magic everything it's gonna be fun cocktails cocktails burlesque dancers guess that ass jerry thornton's doing a special child molesting blog um he's a dusting off one of his old favorites and that's friday that's this friday

that's what the 21st that's? The 21st? That's on the 21st at Cap City in Austin. Where can people buy tickets? Tickets for that, just look up. Description. They'll be in the description or anywhere. It's pretty easy to find. Just look up Son of a Boy Dad Cap City and it'll be the first thing that comes up. Are you doing

other shit down there that weekend? Yeah. I got a bunch of shows. On what nights? Thursday? Every night. Thursday? Yeah. I'm gonna be down on Thursday. Okay. I'm gonna come to one of your shows. other shit down there that weekend yeah i got a bunch of shows on what nights thursday thursday yeah i'll be down on thursday okay i'm gonna come to one of your shows it's yeah it's gonna be quick but don't do any of the same material that we're gonna do oh yeah of course well i might test it out on those crowds but you're gonna just do my parts yeah yeah Read my lines. Yeah. I, uh, and then after that, me and Francis, who's going to be joining us,

I think he will, we're going to be in Cobbs, San Francisco, uh, the weekend after that next weekend. And that's it. Is that why he's coming in here? Because you're having trouble selling tickets.

No, we're actually not having trouble selling tickets. It's just a massive room. It's 400 people. Damn. Yeah. That's ambitious as hell. We've sold like not having trouble selling tickets. It's just a massive room. It's 400 people. Damn. Yeah. That's ambitious as hell. So we've sold like a shit ton of tickets.

Damn. But we still need to sell a shit ton of tickets. You will. You will. We're going to have a fucking fun-ass episode. Yeah, it's going to be fun. A curious-ass episode. Yeah.

It's just going to get the people in the doorway. I'm leaving Austin, though, the Saturday morning at like 6 a.m. Okay. And I left New Orleans this morning at like 6 a.m. That's a power move. You're a morning flyer. No, it's not a power move. It sucks so bad, dude.

It's been whipping my ass. I used to do that, too, though. Back in the day? Yeah. If I go visit one of my friends, I leave the morning before work, try and get in before. That's stupid. I should leave that night. I should just like stay the whole day and just get the last flight out of town that night instead of just like hanging on.

How long of a flight is that? From New Orleans? Yeah. Two and a half, three hours. That's not bad. Something similar to Austin. Same little section of the world. Austin's far, dude.

I know. I never expected to be that far. It's like a four hour flight. Texas is big, dude. You know that like West Texas is closer to Japan than it is to D.C.? West Texas. It's fucking crazy, bro. That is crazy. Texas is massive. Yeah, it's

huge. It doesn't even make sense. It is, dude. Look it up on one of those goofy ass maps. Yeah, goofy maps. It truly doesn't even make sense. It is, dude. Look it up. On one of those goofy ass maps. Yeah, goofy maps. It truly is. Goofy as hell. Bro, speaking of goofy as hell, dude, I don't want to brag, but I had fucking two breakfasts this morning.

Really? What'd you have? I get to the Delta Lounge, probably like fucking 5, 5.15. Breakfast, omelet, sausage, sausage potatoes pineapples I get on the flight they upgrade me I get another breakfast you got upgraded to first class?

yeah and by 8 o'clock I was eating second breakfast of the day what was the breakfast on the plane? Lucky Charms? no bro these first class

breakfasts that they have are so fucking good Francis will be able to speak to this there's no doubt in my mind as a fellow million miler No, bro, these first class breakfasts that they have are so fucking good. Francis will be able to speak to this. There's no doubt in my mind. As a fellow million miler, they served me up like a ham quiche with a fruit bowl and a croissant, a warm croissant. It was fucking beautiful.

Wait, so is that what happens when you have all those miles? You just get upgraded all the time? Yeah. They just throw you in first class. Like, oh, no one's sitting here. You can get up here a quiche piping hot cubed ham on top drizzled with cheddar cheese cubed ham is nasty no this was gross as hell but if i felt like a bull's meal they give you a capri sun with it they made me eat my own like i could stack my own crackers yeah Yeah. I was crushing a mini Snickers with it. But it was a lot of salt.

Salt is the devil. Salt's the devil. I've been off the salt. Have you? Home cooking. What have you cooked? Just eggs. A lot of eggs.

No salt? No salt, though. You don't really need salt and eggs. You need some pepper. You definitely need. Bro, you're white. No. Salt and pepper don't count as seasoning, brother. Well, I'm not putting. What do need, bro. You, you're white. No salt and pepper.

Don't count a seasoning brother. Well, I'm not putting, what do you want me to put on my fucking eggs? Hot sauce. I did put hot sauce on them. Well, there's probably salt and hot sauce.

There's a lot of sodium in it. I thought you're off the salt, bro. Just caught you. I'm off the added salt, added salts. Oh, got you.

Got you. Got you. Salt to taste. I had a good ass meal last night, dude. Rice, tomatoes. Uh, what? That sounds like a meal last night, dude. Rice, tomatoes. What? That sounds like a poor Peruvian child meal. Rice, tomatoes,

diced up some bacon, couple eggs. I had breakfast for dinner. But it was good as fuck. But with rice? Yeah. Rice isn't a breakfast food. Why not? Just, it doesn't fucking make sense. Well, it's just a carb. It's like how ellie

schnitz said she said that there's what did what did she say you i know you guys know this one she said that some foods can be dinner foods lunch foods can be dinner foods but dinner foods can never be lunch foods but any food could be a breakfast food so i guess you're right by ellie schnitz uh tweet that she said yeah i don't know i don't really uh that doesn't apply to me the foods that i'm eating there's no category for them do you have ellie schnitz muted bro no i have i'm i super follow her i pay you pay to get it well you should have had it memorized i don't think we're allowed to talk about her i don't care uh let's go through the people that you have muted.

No, we already did that on the case race. I feel like you didn't say anything. My flight back from Nashville was a nightmare. They were... Terrorists? Terrorists, yep. Of course, again.

They came over the thing and they were like the PA thing and they were like the they came over like the PA thing and they were like, guys, no snacks or water on this flight. The pilot says it's not safe for us to leave our seats. Really? So he's got nothing. Long flight, dude. Two hours.

And there wasn't they couldn't serve you for any of the time? We were getting thrown around. Bodied. Yeah. Yeah. And then I flew southwest there. Last row of the plane that's terrible why were you the last guy getting there yes last row middle seat last row no for some reason the dude

was dude just sitting in the middle seat i think it was with his girlfriend though that makes sense yeah they need to be close yeah dude there's been a uh sunship shortage on the delta flights dude i thought there was going to be a mutiny dude Dude, the sun chips that they give are insulting for how much money those flights cost. It's like they put one sun chip in a bag and give it to you. It's like the hot chips that you can feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for just one. Makes no sense.

Pretty mild sun chip. Yeah. But it's the most hotly sought after. Nobody wants the nuts. Nobody wants the Biscoff. Nobody wants the lemon fucking cake, whatever, like granola bar. No nobody wants the nuts nobody wants the bisque off nobody wants the lemon fucking cake whatever like granola snack mix no one wants that stupid shit they want the fucking sun chips and somehow the sun chips are nowhere to be found it was like the baby formula

shortage and people are just hoarding sun chips fucking stealing it buying up all the sun chips at the last second when you fly southwest they don't have brands it just says snack i'm not kidding like a future meal snack yeah and it was good it was good snack was it yeah yeah you'll take the best snack i ever had you'll have your snack and you'll fucking like it yeah you're gonna enjoy your snow what was it like a pub mix no it was yeah it was just uh checks mix i fuck with the pub mix i fuck with the pub mix too drinking a little bit of beer have a little pub mix no i'm not drinking on the plane really not a plane drinker i contemplated getting a uh because the bloody mary mix on the plane the v8 was free so i was like oh and then the vodka was only eight dollars i was like i could get a bloody. Was it V8 or was it Bloody Mary mix?

Because I think there's a V8. It was Bloody Mary mix. Oh, yeah. Like if you're actually mixing V8 to make a Bloody Mary, that's fucking disgusting. Why? It's like the same thing. It's just tomato juice. No, it's like salt free.

And that's like the main ingredient that makes it palatable. V8. V8 is not salt free. It's low sodium for sure. Dude, V8 is like 900 milligrams. They probably's low sodium for sure dude v8 is like 900 milligrams they probably make low sodium v8 bro but regular v8 is like 900 to a thousand grams of sodium i had this exact conversation this past week we were doing a group roasting session of my mother-in-law because she was fucking drinking it you're literally drinking a mother-in-law drink. A Bloody Mary with V8. We were flaming her

like fucking 85 South. It was like a DC... You lost your vape? No, my phone. We were roasting her ass for the exact take that you just had.

I think you can have a Bloody Mary with just vodka. Or with vodka and V8. No. It's gross. It's gross. I got a damn good bloody mary on saturday no you got the palate of a fucking mother-in-law no i got a day i got a i got a she was wearing that same sweater too come to think of it

too far dude i know you i know you tried to dress up after that fit off yeah dude i didn't know if we were gonna go have a rematch except it's pretty hard to have a rematch when i fucking smoked your ass last week by what metric it's up get in here brother sassy let's take a second and talk about game time the exclusive ticketing partner of barstool sports game time was created by fans and for fans and it is the ticketing app that makes it easier than ever to score last minute deals on tickets to sports concerts and shows. And they guarantee the lowest price. It's the NBA playoffs, Sixers Nets right over there in Brooklyn.

You go to game time. I guarantee you are going to get a fantastic rate. I didn't be cheaper than those games down in Philly just because they don't like basketball as much up here in Brooklyn. they do not know in Philly. We're real hoop heads, but no matter where you're going to the game, you can check in with our friends over at game time and they'll put on for

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the game seamlessly. Skip the hassle and enjoy the moment. Download the GameTime app or go to the website, enter your email and redeem code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. That is GameTime. Now back to the show. What's up, stud?

What's up, killer? What's up, babe? How's it, killer? What's up, babe? How's it going, sir? Good to see you, my dog. Hi, babe. We got our babe Francis. What's up, you fuck? What's up, hoss?

Don't you call me that. Yeah, you can whip his ass if you want to. Whip a little sass ass. Yeah, whip sass his ass. We were just talking about Sam Fran coming up. Oh, yeah. Buy tickets. It's San Fran coming up. Oh, yeah. Buy tickets. It's going to be fucking sick.

Hell yeah. Pack that bitch out. Yeah, he was saying, have you not been selling tickets? I said, no, we've actually sold a ton of tickets. Yeah, we're doing well on San Fran. We just have a lot of more tickets to sell. It's a massive room. There are so many tickets to be sold.

We're in good shape. But yeah, go ahead and go to francHells.com slash shows for tickets. Do you guys get the same split no matter who buys the ticket? Yeah. It's all out of the same bucket. It all goes to the same ticket link. It's like a promo code that you would get some more money. Oh, we're also going to be in, what's it called, Charleston?

Charlestown, West Virginia at the Charlestown Races May 12th. Tickets also at FrancisHells.com. And we're going to hang out and play a little blackjack with you guys after, if you're down to hang. Are you serious? Oh, yeah. It's like a pen thing. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. I was about to say, how are you guys going to Charleston? Yeah, we're doing a shoot. Charlestown, West Virginia. At the Hollywood Casino at Charlestown Races. Because there is both. There is a Charlestown and a Charlestown, and they're both in West Virginia. And we've had rough and rowdies at both of them.

But they're like six hours apart. Yeah. That'll be fun. That one one the tickets are selling pretty fast and there's only like 10 000 tickets available so yeah big room it's uh you're playing the racetrack they're like we need to be outdoors for these guys yeah yeah a big ass circular track like the infield of the preakness you're just playing From a bunch of drunks That'll be a blast That's gonna be sick How did that come to be?

I'm pumped to do it To go to a casino Yeah we wanted to We wanted to do a pen property And we got in touch with them And they got in touch with us And that was when we settled on And hopefully it's a good show

And a good night And we can kind of run it back again At some of the other places. That's a smart business move. Like the checkouts. I just spit so much. Did you see that? No.

I'm just laughing at the way that you just say exactly the subtext of everything. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I say the quiet part out loud. Yeah. That's just something you could bring up in your year-end negotiations with jay uh and erica that's literally what i was thinking i was like oh this is savvy they'll make more money based off it i mean no reason not to be transparent about it or maybe well i'm not even getting i'm

they're just giving me a dunkin donuts gift card francis is getting cash that's not so yeah they were like hey little boy what do you need yeah we'll give you an itune how does an itunes gift card sound fifteen $15? I'm going to get $10 in chips. Yeah, they're going to flip you a fucking chip. A single chip. I'll get paid in chips and I'll put it all on one thing. Sass, have you ever played blackjack and shit like that?

Have you ever been a casino man? I've only played, what's it called? What is it? Roulette. Yes. And that is fun. You're autistic enough to count cards. No, I don't think you, roulette's not cards, is it? No, for blackjack. If you try blackjack. Oh, yeah. No, I've never tried blackjack. I don't autistic enough to count cards. Roulette's not cards, is it? No, for blackjack.

If you try blackjack. Oh, yeah. No, I've never tried blackjack. I don't know how to play it. I can teach you. I'm good. No, we're definitely going to be balanced on the roulette table. We are going to play blackjack.

I don't want to. I want to play roulette. You have to. I know roulette. I know how to play it. It's easy. But it'll be good to learn. It's the kind of thing you're going to take.

It's like pool. You're going to take it for the rest of your life yes you can read that book you gotta know the book book says hit book says stay book says dude that is just like do you which color do you like can i go that one and they go okay that's the other side here you won here you go yeah no you have to teach him i know i wish someone had taught me at 22. It's funny that you're 22 now. You know what's crazy about the blackjack is that the dealer will tell you what you're supposed to do. Yeah.

Technically. They know the book. And I've had a mistrust of them. I'm like, I'm not trusting you. You work for the fucking casino. I know. But they'll tell you the exact same thing and they'll get annoyed if you don't do it. I know.

I know. Weighted dice. I know. Weighted dice. I know. I thought that they were. I thought they were like fooling me. There are no die in Blackjack. Again, you're thinking of roulette. Oh, I never stopped thinking about roulette.

We're still talking about roulette. We got to ban you from the roulette tables. My mind's on the table now. You're like, why did you guys start thinking about Blackjack? I thought we were all really into roulette let's call ahead to the casino and ban him from them i think you can ban yourself from casinos oh well yeah i banned and they'll like have a picture of you up in there usually for problem gamblers but i think that we should do that for you just so you can't get on there you're forced to learn blackjack and

by what i would know i'm pumped to play roulette they will have roulette there right absolutely yeah if they have blackjack they're there they'll have roulette there right absolutely yeah if they have blackjack they're there they'll have roulette and those things are open till like 8 a.m they never close oh yeah yeah we're gonna run it we're gonna run it deep pal and we just got one show and then we're going straight to the casino oh yeah that's gonna be fun gather around yeah come have some fun how long are you guys staying out there just one day one night one show charlestown races may 12th hollywood casino tickets at francis dallas.com i say my name because he does well you do have a website now it's the sasquatch website.com how meta how wonderfully meta that's great the worst url that exists

the shittiest i think it's great and it's that everyone talks about how bad it is and then they go on the website that's me helping you make the website go by talking about no everyone's always bringing it up oh little sasquatch website no one's remembering other people's website names everyone knows mine because it's weird francisels.com i remember that right away not the same not the same it rolls off the tongue my website's good too it's a good website strong does look good because you web design it yeah we crashed the other day, though. HQ went down. I had to make some calls. Too much traffic.

Simultaneous sales. Someone selected the same seats. What the fuck do we do? Gold, Erica, and Gaz in the back end. The Sasquatch touring company, HQ, was in shambles. Did you talk already about New Orleans? I haven't said a word about it we talked about the flight that was it i'm really eager to hear what were you doing down

there i went down there to go see a tyler childers concert and it was supposed to be me and my wife and then my wife invited three of her friends and one of their new boyfriends who i'd never met before how was he he was great we didn't go to the Tyler Childress concert. Oh, wow. And instead we went on a fan boat through a lightning storm. Oh yeah, that's all that. That was crazy. It was the

most diametric opposite of the fun time that I thought that I was going to be having and we were like leaned over on a fan boat going 60 miles an hour as wind pelts our faces like buckshot fucking destroying us like we're getting shot in the face as lightning like goes off in the background while like some cajun seventh generation swamp person's like we really should get out of here we really gotta get back to the bayou like he was like it was uh is it raining the whole

time you were down there uh no just while we were outside on this boat it was like perfectly sunny as soon as we got back and there was a guy down there there was a couple bachelor parties and uh there was a guy on a bachelor party he was like like roan like son of a boy that he was wearing a hippo mode donnie shirt or oh damn he's like did you make it to the tyler children's concert and i was standing next to my wife i was like no i didn't make it he's like what the hell is her problem and he was dead serious he wasn't even like he said that about her yeah like it maybe not the exact words what the hell her problem like but like he was like she's like what's going on with her like it was

it was uh it really got out there that like she prevented me from going to this concert. And she was like, pissed. She was like, you're making me sound like a bad person. Yeah. I mean, if it hadn't been, then this would certainly do it. Yes. People are like coming up to her being like, why'd you ruin his good time? I'm curious how how things changed so dramatically.

how things changed so dramatically. If you had such a resolute plan and tickets and a very specific reason for going down there. I got steamrolled. I'm down for a good time. And I love New Orleans. I think New Orleans is one of- It's always been like second home to you. I honestly would move there.

And it's like one of the cities that I think is the most magical cities in the world. It's like a different country. It's so walkable. There's interesting stuff around every corner. So I was cool doing whatever the fuck ever. But my wants and wishes got thrown out the window. I've done like food tours of New Orleans.

I was like, hey, there's a good place that we could maybe go. They're like, no, we have reservations. Every part of it. Was it the new boyfriend? He was running the show? No, not even. So I was like, hey, there's a good place that we could maybe go. They're like, no, we have reservations. Every part of it. Was it the new boyfriend? He was running the show? No, not even. Yeah, he was alphaing you.

No, not even. He was down for the calls. It was just the ladies that were fucking steamrolling us. But I did get, I got drunker than my wife has ever seen me in my life on Friday night. Was that out of some sense of rebellion? Maybe. I was like, you're going to babysit me, my life on Friday night. Was that out of some sense of rebellion? Maybe. I was like, you're going to babysit me, bitch. Oh, yeah? You're going to take the Tyler Childress concert away?

I'm going to ruin everyone's night. Yeah, and I did. I'm going to get blinded. Good luck carrying me home. And I did. We went to an absinthe bar, and they're like, at first I thought absence was fake i thought it's just like a joke like a gimmicky thing or something and like they all like took

a sip of it and i thought it was a shot so the first one i ripped they all like took a small sip and they were all disgusted but it was like seven absence drinks i'm like we are not wasting these i poured them all into one cup and i drank holy shit i don't know what's in absence but there were like it looked like there was like egg white membrane don't you don't you pour water in it and it becomes sort of a milky white it was a milky white and it was it was foul and uh i drank so much of it and i just was the worst there's a video that i put up on my Instagram or on my Twitter. And I was just like the whole night I was like, like gassing up the band. And then I just like look at my hands as if I was making them play good.

And then going back to fucking like, I don't know what I was seeing in my hands. And people today have been like, were you hallucinating? Did the absence make you hallucinate? And I don't even know. I don't remember a stitch of it. Is that what it does? It makes you, it's like a drug, right? I think there was an absinthe that used to have hallucinogenic properties.

Right, like the 1800s. I thought they outlawed that or something. It was like a Moulin Rouge thing. Yes, exactly. You'd see like a fucking green fairy. Yeah, exactly. You'd see some weird shit, but like it just didn't exist and like at some point my wife was like i need to take you home so she like piled me into a cab and she said

that i was like i like brought a beer into the cab and like passed out drinking but as i passed out like the beer fell over and that woke me up and she said I just grabbed at the beer and looked at her and I was just like guys like us Wait so it wasn't green the absinthe wasn't green. No it wasn't green It may have been when you pour water in it. It used to be green and then it turns white It was the hallucination stuff

I was like guys like us chugged a beer and then just passed out again. It was the fucking. Dude, I got to say, I really like the speed you're operating at these days. Yeah. Because we went out last week. Yeah. And you and I were having a time. Yeah.

I was there with you. I was doing that. Yeah. We got bombed. We got bombed. For whatever, Sass's birthday. Hairball's birthday. That was. time. Yeah. I was there with you. I was doing that. Yeah, we got bombed. We got bombed. For whatever, Sass's birthday. Hairball's birthday. That was maybe that two weeks.

No, that was last week. No, that was last week. No, it wasn't last week. It wasn't last week. Because last week I went, but I went over your house last week. Oh. You're right. And we drank then?

Yeah, we did. Yeah, but we didn't get too fucked up. We didn't get crazy. No. But going back to hair ball's birthday that was a blast and you you you kept handing me a you kept handing me a weed pen and saying take a whack of that take a whack of that it's the best on being like can you go up drunk and you're like yeah but like uh if i get high it really fucks me up and then he would just

slide you over the yeah but i only had two shows i only started hitting that after i had finished my spots i didn't hit that until i'd finished my spot that was the devil on your shoulder you and yeah and you were we were whacking it around yeah we were a little pickleball over there yeah we were fucking whacking that thing dude and then rome was like i'm gonna go buy another a weed pen and he just wanders off for like an hour and a half and he comes back. He's like, I didn't have my wallet. I don't know where I came back.

I think you walked back to Brooklyn where he usually buys his weed pens. And I came back to the stand. Buy it on credit. I checked my home for my wallet. It wasn't there. But dude, I have been, I've been at a, I've been at a high pace. I've been ever since the. It's the weather. And the dog dying.

This dog died and I was like, I realize how much responsibility it is to have a dog. And it's like, damn, I've been wasting my lack of responsibility. Yeah. Like, I have no responsibilities. I can go out and get shit faced. I can go to New Orleans. I don't have to worry about a fucking dog sitter. I go to Francis' house and have some drinks. I go out for Sass's birthday and fucking get bummed.

We're going to get fucked up this weekend in Austin. Yes. 100%. I'm jealous you guys are going down there. Me and Mook got blitzed this weekend. It's so fun to get fucked up. It's fun when you go out and you're like, we're getting fucked up tonight. That's when it's fun. Because then it doesn't surprise you. You wake up hungover but you know it's fun when you go out and you're like we're getting fucked yeah you have that's when it's fun because then it doesn't surprise you and you don't wake up you wake up hungover

but you're you know it's gonna happen you're taking like jameson shots yes just ripping beers yes it's so fun yeah it's awesome to and if i didn't if it wasn't unhealthy and if i didn't get hungover and stuff like that if it wasn't like terrible for for your body i would do it every day i the fucking year. I know. It's such a blast. It's just so fun. And we're just in such a great position where we can just do that.

Yeah. This job is a joke. We could get bombed on a Wednesday night, dude. And it's not going to be like, oh my God, like you're fucking trying to do these reports like hungover. You saw you logged into your Bloomberg portal at 8.05. What happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. It's not even like what people want to do on the internet. Those days where your eyes are just like, you can't even blink because they're so

fucking bloodshot. Exactly. Some days, sass doesn't even come in. I've done that like once. It's fine And you know what dude it doesn't matter You work on the weekends it doesn't matter

It's awesome We should be I'm here almost every day I know I want that on the record It's not like I'm just getting fucked up every day I'm in the same boat bro It doesn't matter

Remember when we went to your birthday? Yeah. And you didn't come in the next day? No, I had shit to do. You know what the word for that is? Conspicuous. No, I was moving. His absence was conspicuous.

That's the day you got to muscle in. You have to come. I had to move, dude. The day after your birthday is number one most important day to go to work. Hell no. I was moving day. You can just muscle in number one most important day to go to work. Hell no. When you go over, you can just muscle in and you'll get the credit for coming in.

If you're not in, it'll take away credit. We'll FaceTime. We'll FaceTime. Yeah. It was so... You should have another birthday. Yeah.

I don't need another one. Technically, I had another one for the case race. Oh, next year we could have a joint birthday because we're only a week apart. Yeah. We should do that. Do a co-birthday. Guys, I hate to break this to you. another one for the case race. Next year we could have a joint birthday because we're only a week apart.

We should do that. Do a co-birthday. Guys, I hate to break this to you. My birthday's in eight days. Yeah. Oh, damn. Wait, are you... What are you? Are you an Aries? No, I'm straight. Yeah. I mean, you're Aries, right?

I think, yeah. I'm a Taurus. I don't know when they start and end. I I think, yeah. I'm a Taurus. I don't know when they start and end. I don't know either. I'm a Taurus. It would be cool if all of us were the same one. Yes, and it would explain a lot. Yeah. Or I would force it to explain a lot.

Yeah. Well, we'll do something this weekend for your birthday. No, I'm going to, well, I guess we're going to Texas. Let's do something during the week next week. Yeah yeah yeah. That's stealing time. You're expected to get fucked up on the weekends. Getting fucked up during the week is robbery. It's a theft of an extra. It's way more fun. It's an extra.

Way more fun to get fucked up during the week. I got a really good restaurant recommendation for you guys in Austin. Oh we should go back to that steakhouse for Rowan's birthday. For Charles? Yeah it was fun as hell. We could try a different one. Hell no. I want to do the same exact thing.

We could rip that again. No, it's not as fun when you try to run it back. You don't get to decide, bro. You don't get to decide. It's a surprise. I get to decide. All right. All right.

All right. Fine. Fine. Fine. And I want to go to Fort Charles again, dude. What was the... So much for the surprise. Yeah, that's not a surprise.

What was the restaurant that you recommended in Austin? Suerte. Suerte. Suerte. Suerte. Suerte. Suerte, like luck. Is that what that means? I think it does. Let me tell you, this place is amazing.

They've got the best tacos, some really fun. They've got sort of, I think they've got a Wagyu taco. They've got some really good stuff. Awesome cocktails and incredible mezcal selection. I love mezcal. I love Mezcal. I hate Mezcal. It's really high-end, thoughtful, I guess, Mexican food. And it's worth going to.

Just what you'll do, because you guys all have shows, right? Yeah, a bunch of shows. How many shows do you have? Roan's got like 15. Roan's doing spots. No, we literally have one show. We have one live podcast that we like where i have where is it what room is it in we're doing cap city oh sick yeah you're doing cap city and

then you have shows throughout the week yeah are you going on the same day he's going i'm going thursday and coming back saturday uh-huh i'm going wednesday coming back sunday so what you got to do is early on friday i'm talking early because the place is tough. You got to go early. Right. But you can probably go try to sit at the bar. But go at like 435 o'clock and go to Suerte. Saddle up, partner.

Yeah. And fire it back. Yes. Is your show on Friday? Yeah. We should just do that. Just go right before the show and you'll be there for an hour and a half, whatever, and have a great time.

A light buzz. A little minus cow buzz. I'm telling you, it whatever, and have a great time. A light buzz. A little Mezcal buzz. I'm telling you, it's awesome. The food is incredible. Yes. Incredible. Yes. Talk to me.

Great restaurants in Austin. Talk to me nice. Yeah. I fucking love a good ass restaurant. I'm a little fucking foodie. Yeah, me too. I am. And I feel like people throw around that term shamefully.

No, you're definitely a foodie. Pejoratively. Yeah. They think about it like it's a negative. Why? Why would it be negative to go out and find good food? What's the negative connotation? Where does it come from?

It fits. Well, I think it's people who glom on to the idea that they have elevated taste because they like going to nice restaurants when it's like well everyone likes going to nice restaurants but i don't think they do most people don't make it a piece of their identity yeah to call oneself a foodie it's to me it's like saying you know i'm a sexy i consider myself a bit of a sexy because i like fucking people yeah it's like well dude everybody desire everybody does and you know that you don't call you it's weird yeah yeah but there's a lot of people that don't like food like that like i i'm not really i wouldn't call myself a foodie by any means like as long as i have like i'm more of like food is fuel kind of guy yeah but you just said you loved for charles prime rip

well that yeah i like steak so then you're a steaky yeah but i think a lot of people like steak i don't think liking steak makes you a foodie yeah but but if you started telling people i'm a big steak guy i'm a steaky and then you started sort of ranking you had favorite steak places and it was how you kind of you built your week around it. HQ is my favorite place. My house. I make a damn good steak. Do you? Yeah. No way. Yes,

I do. I make a killer. That's what I love about my birthday. Have me and Francis over to have steaks. Yeah, come over. The couch will be there. The couch gets here tomorrow. You make steaks. We can all sit on the couch. Yeah. Bare hand steaks. Serve it out of the

pan. I don't know if I can make steaks at my new apartment because it's like an electric stove top, so it's kind of hard to judge the temperature. You can though. Have you been back to your old place since you moved? No, I'm going to go back to there tomorrow. I went, so we had a shopping day and it was just me and Jack out of everybody at the end of the day i had a bunch of bags and we're like dude i don't bring

these to the bar and we were by your old place yeah the door's never locked so we walked up to your guys place there's just no one in there because dudes moved out yeah no lights just the rat smoking it was like oh is there like mice everywhere no just trash like no lights on it was like the saddest that we got in there drop the bags like yo i just feel uncomfortable being here how did you guys get in it's never locked bro but you go how do you get into the i gotta go address yo i gotta go and i gotta figure out how many because owens not as no one's there it wasn't it wasn't locked like even downstairs you just walked in yeah but like it was a definition of cracked down like heroin no, no lights on.

I'm just like, wow, this is tough. I got to go there today. Yeah. I need to get my shift from there too. Yeah. That's how you lived though. Dude, it was such a depressing place. I put it all on this like super perspective because I'm like, whoa, I didn't expect it

like this much. There's no natural sunlight. Yeah. Because I didn't realize that either because you do stick all the lamps. Yeah. There's literally no natural sunlight in that, because I didn't realize that either because you do stick all the lamps. Yeah. There's literally no natural sunlight in that entire apartment. That's terrible.

Except for the bedrooms. That's gloomy. You got to live better. Live better in this new apartment. I'm living good in my apartment right now. Are you? Yes. He called me and he was very troubled by the fact that there was a broker fee. He didn't think that was a real thing.

Or you just got to find that out beforehand and avoid people who have the fee yeah but he he thought that they were robbing him no i was just like is this normal i was like i'm fine paying it but it's normal because i've had this is my fourth apartment in new york i've never had to pay a broker street before how long have you lived in new york four or three years three years yeah this is apartment number four yeah because i the first lease I had was a sub, I was subleasing. Ah.

He didn't know if it was for him. Gotcha. So I was only there for like five months. That's cool. Sasha was going to go back to school until I was like, just do no work here. It wasn't, it wasn't,

it was like, they were going to fire me, I think. And my parents were like, what are you doing? You got to go back to school. This isn't going to work out. And then we started the biggest podcast in the world in the

world and that became the biggest podcast in the fucking world speaking of we gotta fucking check in when we get to austin with rogie yeah we should go to the mothership shit we were past there that's so fucking what's it like i heard it's fucking packed every night is it yeah i feel like you haven't really talked about it anywhere. Have I not? I don't think so. I haven't heard you talk about it publicly. Spill. I think I did a little bit.

Do spill. Spill, bitch. It's amazing. It's intense. It's intimidating. To be a fly on the wall. Was Tony there? Yeah, bro. Was he Redman? Yeah, of course he was there.

I did. I saw him and Tom Segura and... Oh, you didn't tell me Tom Segura was there. He was there. He was the nicest one to me.

And then I saw... I feel like you guys would get along really well. He's done a lot before. Oh, he has? I really like him, yeah. He's a really nice guy. You guys have similar

like taste, I feel. Yeah. You know who he reminds me of at Barstool? I'll give you guys a guess. Large. Wrong. Who, Segura? Yes.

Big cat. Personality-wise. And kind of a little bit how he forms his words with his mouth. Julio. Rudy? Trent. Huh. Trent.

Look at Tom Segura. See if you don't see a little bit of a trace of a Trent in there. Not even a little bit, to be honest. Take another look. I'm trying and I'm not. You've never studied Trent, though. I have. You haven't studied Trent.

I have. Oh, dude. You're probably just chasing him on the golf course as he fucking smoked you. You guys have to do that sandbagger, by the way. Yeah, I want to do it. This is like the third time someone's asked me to do golf content and I've said yes and then nothing ever happens i i at trent asked me to do it i said yes i would love to do it hannah asked me i said yes i would love to do it and then now they're asking why didn't you i would have thought uh hannah would have taken you no because i went out with hannah

and it was really fun yeah but you're more like that speed i think she looked at me and she was like he's not gonna get in they're gonna kick us off the course too schlubby too schlubby they were like look at his stomach they're not gonna let that on the course yeah fat guys are never does he want one cart or two carts you know one for the barrel it's amazing how badly you want us to think you're not a good looking young man i'm so fucking fat no you're not you should have seen me and mook out in nashville 90 degrees double sweatshirts up jackets on shorts oh yeah we were wearing sweatshirts double why because you guys are so dumpy just a lot of titties dumpy frumpy i don't know let me ask you something That's the kind of shirt that my grandfather

Would have tried to give me From his closet I like this sweater and everyone else likes it Everywhere I go people go oh I like your sweater When my grandfather passed away This is an Italian sweater company My grandmother tried to give us all his clothes And he had a lot of shirts like that

Well you should have given them to me Because I would have worn them I think you would have. I like them. You want to look like a dead old man. I like this sweater. It's comfortable and I like how it looks. What is it that you're going for?

Myself. You're too good looking is the problem. I'm being myself. Yeah, he's trying to look good looking at himself. It must suck. What is that? I like being myself yeah he's trying to un-good looking himself it must suck what is I like this outfit what are you guys

talking about you must not like how good looking you are that must bother you what are you talking about this is insane this is an insane conversation

it's it's an insane conversation it's at odds with what you want to be no it's not dude this is a normal outfit I'm wearing a sweater

and jeans I like this outfit look how defensive he's getting well this is cause you guys. I'm wearing a sweater and jeans. I like this outfit. Look how defensive he's getting. Well, this is because you guys are looking at me and you're like, why are you trying to make yourself ugly? He's looking in the mirror and he's mad at how handsome he is. You're talking about my outfit. I got a haircut one day. I remember I came to the stand and Francis goes, what is this?

What are you trying to do? What is this look you're going for? And I'm like, dude, this is how my hair has been for 22 years straight this is how it grows straight like i'm dressing the way i've dressed my entire life i know francis is 100 right you're worried that you're gonna be too cool guyed out to be funny on stage no i'm not worried that you're gonna be this hot cool guy that's why you stopped doing tiktok dances that you're going to be this hot, cool guy. That's why you stopped doing TikTok dances. That's why you stopped. Because you had this cool guy streak.

It sounds like you guys are projecting your insecurities onto me. Stop working out. Stop cooking steaks in your apartment. No, I cooked dinner yesterday. How could that at all be a projection? Francis, I think, is so secure in how he dresses. I'm secure in how I dress. That's why I'm dressing like this. I stopped fighting and I realized I could never be ugly.

And so I had to just lean into it. Bro, Francis like randomly goes vi-vi on fucking TikTok to the tune of like 20 million views and people are just like, who is he? Like, look at the jawline. Yeah, that Hannah Burner video you did.

The Hannah Burns. 20 million. No, 20 million no 20 million damn yeah those ones are getting those ones giving trouble now though why the wife yeah a little bit you know yeah you do you are candid about your intimate life i guess so and i didn't i didn't it's the problem is the questions you don't know what she's gonna ask you and it's 15 questions and the first ones are all softballs you know know, blah, blah, blah, who's the best Jonas brother, or some shit like that.

It's like, what animal would you compare your dick to? She's got a strategy. She's loosening. Yeah, and then all of a sudden it's like, when you go down on your wife and she doesn't climax, what does that mean on your marriage? You're like, ah, how do I be funny here? Yeah, and you'll give her the um courtesy of answering honestly

well i've stopped i've stopped that uh i've learned that that is not a winning proposition i mean well it depends on what's a win for you because 20 million views is a win yeah but i don't know i think i got like whatever 300 tiktok followers from that what the fuck is tiktok about by the way yeah i'm so excited for the possibility that the united states is going to make it illegal dude i you gotta just delete it i want you have no idea how much better it'll feel i don't look at it ever i don't my my producer runs my tiktok so i have the benefit of not being addicted to the app. And yet I have tremendous rage about the app. Dude, I, that's why I deleted it. When we first started this podcast, I was

telling them not to post anything on TikTok. I was like, we're not on TikTok. We're not doing that. He was raging. I hate it so much. This is like a massive part of our company's strategy to be able to do this. All you have to do is let someone post this for you. And you're like, no, still no. I don't even want it on the app. app i don't want any i don't want my face on the app it was like the lone directive from anybody that hey you can do whatever you want just the one thing is we'll ask someone else to post tiktoks of you i hate it dude it's that app is so fucking bad well the i'm mad about it because um so many untalented people are surpassing me on there that's it it's a gel it's pure jealousy i don't that doesn't bother me because i mean if you look at the lifespan of those people's

careers it's like four months i don't know dude look at like charlie d'amelio and dixie d'amelio yeah they're they made a shit ton of money but now they're like i don't think we've seen the last of Charlie and Dixie D'Amelio. I think we definitely have. No. You have because you deleted the app. Exactly. Out of sight, out of mind.

Yeah. I'd forgotten about them for a while. I don't like it because I would go home and I would see my little sisters and I'd be like, watch this movie. It's the one of the greatest movies. I'd show them like a fucking Leonardo DiCaprio movie. And within 30 seconds, they'd'd be like this is so boring no you can't expect this movie's awesome you can't expect women and men to have the same taste but i would show them like i would hit my sister my sister up and i'd be like you got to watch uh little miss sunshine like movies that

like she would like and she'd watch them for two minutes and turn them off yeah but you're an old soul yeah that's not an old soul movie that movie, but you're an old soul. Yeah. That's not an old soul movie. That movie is young. You're an old soul. It's a new movie. You guys are old. You guys shouldn't even be watching that movie, you fucking creeps. You're an old soul.

It's for kids. She probably realized she could watch it in like eight minutes on TikTok. Yeah, with an AI automated voice recapping the whole movie. You could watch entire movies. You could just cut to the chase and fucking- They rented a van. They're going to a beauty pageant. I haven't seen it, so you just spoiled it for me.

Thanks a lot, bro. That's like the first 10 seconds of the movie. Fuck you, bro. Oh, yeah, that is. Fucking fuck you, bro. Spoiling that shit. Dude, Francis, we had a good-ass conversation when I did go over your house

because you're going to guide me on a journey that I'm going to go on. Are you? Is that for real? I'm going to do it. Oh, wow. I don't know exactly where we're going to go. So dope. I'm copying Francis's.

Yeah, I'm so excited. I get so happy for people who go on vacations. You're really good at it. Thank you, brother. i think you're pretty fucking awesome at it too brother uh i try come on i'm not as good as you are you you are you are really it's a hilarious thing to be good at yeah but but i i mean that sincerely where like things like uh long flights or difficult travel or you know expense to some degree don't deter you the way that they do a lot of people. Yeah.

You guys are gung-ho. You're adventurous. I think that it's a simple philosophy of you have to do things people aren't willing to do to go places people aren't willing to go. And it's like people who go to the same beach that is close to your town and home, it's like those are people who want to do the least amount possible to go and it's like people who go to the same beach that like is close to your town and home it's like those are people who want to do the least amount possible to go on vacation and that's an awesome vacation but sometimes doing more will give you more yeah i think i'm going to go on a safari oh yeah you told me about that yeah that'll be awesome it'll be super fun and he was just showing me all the pictures of him just like fucking like sharing breakfast with a gorilla and shit like that.

That would be so sick. I think I showed you too many pictures. Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. It was a lot. Not at all. I was like, it was the perfect amount to have this fucking, our rapt attention.

That's good. That's good. Well, I served a Chardonnay to your wife, which I regretted. Why? She's at ABC. She's anything but Chardonnay to your wife which i regretted why because abc she's anything but chardonnay yeah she said she said uh i said how'd you like that first wine she said it was a little sweet and i said fuck that's not a chardonnay damn it and they brought sans serre but it wasn't chilled it wasn't chilled yet it wasn't chilled i was kicking myself about that in the freezer

i was kicking myself i was like i should have got the chilled Chardonnay, but it was a period of time between when I was coming over. It was such good Chardonnay. Excuse me. It was such good Sancerre, though. You enjoyed it? I loved it, and so did everyone else. They were so much happier that we were drinking that

than the Chardonnay I had chosen. No, that's not true. That's not true. Me and Francis went into a wine store together. What'd you pick up? I don't know. Where was that? After we were playing pool, Francis went into a wine store together. What'd you pick up? I don't know. Where was that?

After we were playing pool, we went into a wine store. I felt like I was with my parents. I just stood in the corner and Francis looked around and was like, don't touch anything. For like 45 minutes. You probably had like a backpack on. You're like... Yeah, no, I literally had a backpack on. Knocking shit off. That's hilarious.

If we went into a wine store, we would look like your gay dads. No, I thought when we went in together, I was like, I think we look like we're a gay couple. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I don't know if people would put me with you. Yeah. He's not going to stoop to that level.

I would be like what you stoop down. Yeah. I would be like you're like, I would be like the naughty. He wants to go slumming. Yeah. You'd be rebelling. If they did, they would think that I was forcing you to dress the way that you do as some weird fetish

where I'm like, you know, trying to pretend as though. This is a normal fit. We can do the fit off again. We'll do a fit off again after this episode and we'll have people decide which is the best fit. They're going to say, oh, that redheaded guy turns his eight, hard eight boyfriends into five. He wants them to look ugly.

We'll do a fit off. I guarantee you everyone will say I have the best fit. It softens how handsome they actually are. See, I'm breaking the boundaries of fashion. That's what I'm doing and you guys are afraid to get there. How's that? Sweater and jeans, bro. When did you get these jeans?

These are a new development. No, no, I've had these forever. You didn't wear jeans though for about a year.. No, no. I've had these forever. You didn't wear jeans, though, for about a year. And then he just pulled them out. I've been wearing jeans. I don't know where they appeared. I've been wearing jeans my entire life, dude. Not as a new way.

These are Japanese denim from Old Navy. It's a secret menu. You have to go in and you say, give me the Japanese denim. They bring them out of there in a freezer. You got that. They bring them out of the freezer. There's not sweatshops in Japan. And they mold them to your body.

I think you're thinking of tuna. Yeah, you're thinking of tuna. Those are tuna pants. You're wearing tuna right now. Japanese tuna from the freezer. That's what it is. This is real denim. And I had to wear my denim again today. I know I wore elastic, but I had to wear it today because I got to go back to my apartment and move some clothes

around. Some stiff denim. I'm not trying to stretch out my khakis. Who's your inspiration? Who's your fashion inspiration? Who do you look to and say, ah, that's a good look? I look in the mirror and I say, that's my look I'm just all about being myself these days I will say, you're doing well You're on a roll You've just been funny lately and you've been good

It seems like you're catching a little bit of some heat It'll die out soon I know It'll crash and burn It'll die out soon. I know. I know what you mean. It'll crash. It's all singular. It'll crash and burn. Yeah, yeah. It'll come around. It'll come around. And then the down, the slope lasts for like a good year and a half.

Yeah, yeah. And then you get one month. Brief moment. A year and a half later, you get one month of being funny. Ride the heat. Ride the heat. And the second slope down hits so much harder, and they'll hate you so much after you have your little moment in the sun. Your little sprinkle

of fucking good tidings that they give you. It'll leave you. It'll die. But for the time being, congratulations. Yeah, you'll cool off. Don't worry. Everybody loves you. That's what happens. It's happened to me so many times. You go up and then you go down.

And then you go down even further. I didn't even know I could go this far down. I didn't even know it was possible for someone to be this unfunny and then oh then you start going up again and then whoa down even lower that's that life experience people were talking about like they need you to hate yourself and that's where the funny comes in like they're not gonna like you until you despise yourself i know i. I'm like on a... I'm feeling good right now. I do not hate myself. No? I'm up top. Yeah, that's not going to last. But I'm happy for you, though. Oh, it's lasting.

I have a crazy story. Bless us, brother. Son of a boy. I told Harry the story. I told Hairball the story via text. You were our biggest episode last calendar year, by the way. I don't expect that. But he's been on it three times since then. No, no, we're milking you little milk of the poppy yeah we're milking pop this is uh this is i can confirm this is a crazy story yeah so uh i was in dallas this weekend at

the house of comedy which is technically in plano by the way dallas is apparently three isish cities. You've got Fort Worth, Dallas, and Plano. Yeah. And Dallas itself is the fourth or the fifth biggest city in the entire country. It's gigantic. And you can't even really tell. You know what I mean? There's not like a bustling downtown area where everybody's walking around. No, it's not a walkable city at all.

It's very small. A lot of highways. But Fort Worth, too. I mean, once you add Fort Worth, they have some cool things. Apparently, the DFW Dallas-Fort Worth Airport, half the sort of city line runs right down the middle of it. So half of it is owned by Fort Worth and half of it is owned by Dallas. So they share in the profits. That airport's a nightmare.

Me and Tyler were caught up in quite the pickle at that yeah trying to find out where to drop off the rental car dude there was at one point where we were perpendicular to the highway yeah we were completely sideways on the highway why and i'm like i don't know where the fuck we gotta go you're trying to go through one of those where the police hang out no it was like uh the tolls or whatever to get in and out but like we went the wrong tolls we had to turn around but we're like we had to bang a U-turn. There was no one turning. And then we started the turn and a whole like wave of cars. It was insane.

But I was on the passenger side. I for sure thought it was it. I'm like, bro, I'm cooked. And we just kept on being like, where do we drop this car? And they'd be like, ah, I don't know, somewhere down there. Was it the West Texas trip? Yeah, it was when you just abandoned us. That's exactly what happened.

And then you tried to like gaslight us into being like, you have a car in Texas. Go do whatever you want. I'm like, dude, we're in the same boat as you. We want to leave Texas. We don't want to be here. We stayed in the hotel that was actively under construction with no roof on it. It's like, what the fuck? The Cambria?

No, we were like literally next to the airport. It was like a quarter of a mile away. So you didn't stay near the club? No, this was, we were doing neighborhood eats. We're not there for standup. Got it. Got it. Even for standup.

So you were, you were out there for standup for the whole weekend. Yeah. I mean, I was, I was in the middle of telling that story and then Harry made it about him. About this whole highway, Dallas. I was just saying it's a nasty airport. It was. They needed to hear it. People are going to be happy. People are going to be happy. I don't even remember

my story. I remember. I can tell too. I actually have the entire thing on my phone. You sent me a fucking 17. Yeah, because you said you were enjoying it. I kept going because it was working. It was. It is a good story. All right. So I go to the club, do the shows. Saturday, last night, end show.

Great show. It was fun. And the manager of the hotel, or excuse me, the club brings me into his office to sort of settle up. And he's like, all right, great weekend. And there's one more thing I need to talk to you about. It's kind of uncomfortable. And instantly I had the classic Francis Pittis pitt in my throat um what did i do you know i'm running the tape of my own life this is what i do i i i race through it i'm like

okay where what have i done that over the last 48 hours that i that he's about to give me shit about slurs or yeah i was thinking you, did I make fun of the club? Did I make fun of Dallas? Was I inappropriate? Did I? Anyway, I can't think of anything. And he says, so this producer that I brought, Ryan, who's our guy. You've met Ryan.

Yeah, of course. Legitimately, I say this with the utmost sincerity he is the kindest most straight shooting uh unimpeachable perfect young man he's a nice boy I've ever met almost as though he's a character on a TV show from the 1960s. Really? He looks, yeah, you know,

would give his shirt off his back. It just good values, good nature, all that. So, and, and looks the part too. Yeah.

Genuine, positive, blonde haired boy. Wonderful, wonderful young man. So he go, he had come with me to shoot the sets. And the manager says, so I caught your producer in the green room.

The green room had a black curtain across half of it. It's not a green room. It's a storage closet. It's like a big closet. And there's a couch in the front. But there's a black curtain that separates sort of where you would sit from what they use as their storage area. Boxes filled with booze, beers, liquor that they use to restock the bar when they're running low. And he says, I caught your producer going behind the black curtain and ripping open boxes and stealing alcohol and beer and putting it in his backpack to take home.

No way. So did you instantly believe him? So I said, there's no chance. There's no chance for so many reasons. First of all, Ryan doesn't really drink that much. He's thin. He doesn't really drink what he'd had the night before because i was like we should have a drink it was a fun night he had a hard seltzer

and he's not like a beer guy yeah he's certainly not like a liquor guy certainly not a i'm gonna bring 20 beers in my backpack home to our shitty hotel room to drink by myself at two in the morning when we have a 9 a.m flight home oh my god also keep in mind he gets drinks for free we also drink for free at the club and they're probably piping hot beers exactly we had a mini we had a mini fridge filled with booze that we had access to. And the manager is saying that Ryan, beautiful, perfect Ryan, is going and pillaging the reserve stores of room temperature beers to, I guess, confiscate and bring home himself. What the hell? And I was like, there's just no way

i cannot tell you how at odds this is with the the young man i know and i said okay let's and by the way i immediately go into like logic mode and my brain starts speeding up. And I go, I get in the zone, which you're a thinker like this, where you're like, I'm going to think my way through this. And I'm going to prove it. I'm going to prove this is wrong. And I said, hang tight. I'm going to go get the backpack. Because Ryan was in the bar outside of the showroom. and I was deep in the bowels of the club. I said, I'm going to get the backpack without him noticing and we will open it together.

That's hilarious. That's a hilarious way to solve it. Right away, the guy was like, oh, there's no need. And I'm like, you've got you're standing on shaky footing already. Yeah, you should never have accused me of something if you're not willing to defend it in this little court, this kangaroo court we're going to do in the basement. And he was so specific in his accusation. He said, I saw him ripping open boxes behind the black curtain, taking beers and putting them in his backpack. That is, that's a very specific image. Also, wouldn't he have just stopped him

if he was actually doing that? Right. Wouldn't he have been like, hey, what are you doing? Exactly. Those beers are right there for you. So I did that. I was taking beers from there the whole time and putting them in the fridge.

As we were allowed. Shouldn't leave the boxes back there if you don't want people to drink from them. Yeah, that's interesting. Well, yeah. I mean, we had no servers. I was going to go. I was going to walk through the show to go get more beer.

But the kitchen was attached to the green room and they had a fridge. And I was just going. We did not have access to any of that. It was right. You walked out of the green room. We had a whole different experience. Did you check his background? That's what I'm saying.

It sounds like this accusation was like three months late. And he was just thinking Ryan was hairball. Anyway. So you went to... I go and I get the backpack. And I pick it up. And it is fucking heavy. So heavy.

And I'm like, oh no. Oh no. Oh, no. He did this. I would have emptied the backpack on my way out, on my way back. I would have been like, see, look, it's empty. Dude, I didn't know what to think. And I picked it up and it was so bottom heavy.

So bottom heavy. And I'm like, there are handles of vodka and beers this is just a pirate's booty of alcoholism that my young producer for whatever reason felt the need then my mind on the walk back i'm like okay did he is he was he planning to drink these himself tonight because we had separate hotel rooms in which case he's a degenerate alcoholic at which I didn't know. Or is he like bringing it home to New York, which means he's going to have to check this backpack to then like sell to minors.

Why would he need this much alcohol? We're doing well financially. Like i can buy him booze he's 26 like you know what is probably buy him yeah this is what i'm saying like what reason would he have are he and you know his girlfriend like going through a dry alcohol problem i don't anyway so i go but i i maintained the integrity of the hunt which is a good man you're a good man for that i felt that i had to be honest and just and i remember i picked up the backpack and i raced back and ryan saw me and i could feel him see me walk with his backpack which is a very suspicious thing there's no no reason that I should have Ryan's backpack. Unless, well, he is probably the wheels are turning in his mind, potentially. I don't know where it goes.

Maybe he thought you were just packing up the green room. I take the backpack and I go quickly so that he can't stop me, which would require me to lie to him or ruin the integrity of our investigation. So I take it straight back to the, to the manager's office. I set it on the ground and I open it up and it's just our camera equipment. No booze. And it was the cameras that were making the bag so heavy. And it's all, I open up all dude. He's like, well, maybe he's like, maybe it's in this front pocket.

I opened that up. Nothing. There's nothing. There's no this front pocket i open that up nothing there's nothing there's no alcohol and i say okay so clearly you didn't see what you thought you saw he goes well he could have put it in your car in the interim and i said we don't have a fucking car bro we've been walking everywhere we don't have we haven't taken ubers we've just been walking from the hotel here and back and he goes okay well i don't know what you know maybe he put it in another bag and i was like let's go get all the bags you know i'm calling him on everything i'm just saying we will we will bring this home yeah well he Well he shouldn't. Yeah. It's such a big accusation. Yeah. It's such that the implications are huge.

My employee is stealing from the club we're working at. And that could potentially affect your ability to perform there in the long run. Exactly. And I'm, but I'm saying, I'm saying this just doesn't square. It doesn't make any sense for so many reasons.

I know this young man. And anyway, he keeps coming up with he moved he's moving his goal posts into murkier and shakier ground weird shit he could have done with the bag yeah well he's probably he's like he's probably like i'm wrong but i gotta find a way not to be wrong he He didn't, but he, yeah, yeah. But he didn't say, no, he wouldn't say like, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, exactly. He just kept saying, I'm certain of this. And he's just delusional. I don't.

So then I was like, okay, well, let's pull the tapes from the green room. There's a, there's a camera in there and he goes, ah, the camera doesn't see what's behind the curtain. And I said, okay, well, you said you heard him ripping open the boxes let's go look and see what's missing from the boxes and i will make you whole if we take inventory of that and he said my servers servers could have taken things out of those boxes and restocked the bar in the time and i'm like dude how long has it been since you saw this and now and he was like i don't know 15 minutes and i'm like there's nobody here why would the waitstaff have restocked there's not gonna be another identical theft like it's

my cousin vinny that happened at the exact same time in the exact same spot yeah so dude i'm i am full court pressing him with logic and he's just not budging. And he keeps returning to this justification of his, which is, look, it's not a big deal. I'm not mad. We had a great weekend with you. We're so happy you came. But I thought you needed to know the type of person you have working for you. And I was like, that's worse. Yeah.

That's worse. That's an indictment of his character of my oversight of who i have working with me it's personal like i i i couldn't i couldn't handle it and um in the end i i just was like i guess you know we just will agree to say goodbye or whatever. So he was convinced the whole time he never admitted? No, there's no way. He never, dude, I'm telling you. That's what made the whole story so fucking nuts.

I know he definitely acts like it. He definitely knows in the back of his head he did not see shit. In the face of utterly damning evidence, he did not waver. And it felt to me like, like oh this is the type of person that there are in the world who when you you know believe in like conspiracy theories and no matter how much you present them with with evidence to the contrary, they think that anything that is shown to them that disproves their thought is fabricated. It's propaganda. It's part of some broader scheme to cover up their truth.

And you just have to say there's no reasoning with these people. But could you even introduce the idea of the burden of proof like being like hey he wasn't trying to prove it he wasn't trying to get remuneration maybe he did it maybe he stole a bunch of shit and was like i'm gonna put it on this other kid so that i can steal it from the company and not get in trouble but wasn't he the was he the owner he was the manager there i i mean he didn't want anything he didn't want anything that's my point he there was no the only thing he wanted is you to know that you got a dirty thief work he wanted me to be warned he wanted to warn me he thought his cause was noble damn what the fuck so did you ever have a conversation i walked out and i had to tell ron we i was like let's go and he's like okay and we left and i said all the beers i told him what happened and he

stopped and he was like what and i was like that's what just happened what what happened and he goes i have no idea i loaded the camera he must have just thought the camera equipment was idea i loaded the camera he must have just thought the camera equipment was the he i said i said did you go behind the curtain and he said yeah for one second because i was looking for the tripod bag which was behind the chair but what like and he was like and i was there for five seconds and i certainly didn't rip open boxes i would want to confront the manager if someone's like you did this i'll be like i did this yeah i thought. I thought he deserved a chance to do that. Yeah. We got to go back.

Let's go back to the club. Isn't this a crazy story? This is literally like something that would go on the people's court or something like that. On Judge Joe Brown. I know. You should take this to Judge Joe Brown. Well, it all left a rather unsavory taste in our mouths as we as we left out so are you going to go back to plano or are you going to keep your

keep it in uh fort worth dallas and irvine i think i think we're going to be staying in the dallas fort worth area from now on fuck plano yeah that's the kind of people they have in plano if those are the kind of accusations they throw around willy-nilly yeah that must have been infuriating and he kept saying to me like as far as I'm concerned, it never leaves this room. And it's like, dude, I don't think you know who I am. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I mean, you could have told me you had a pebble in your shoe, and I would have turned that into a 45-minute podcast. This guy in Dallas told me he had a pebble in his shoe, but let me tell you

what I thought. I didn't see a pebble. I never saw a pebble. I mean, what is a pebble? How big is a pebble? I'm working with a liar. Is it a stone? Is a stone a pebble? Is a rock a pebble? Is a stone a rock?

And if he had the pebble in his shoe, why wouldn't he just take the shoe off and get rid of the pebble on his shoe why wouldn't he just take the shoe off and get rid of the pebble oh my god so good yeah that's why we have you the fuck in here brother well i try to bring a little something no it was a good story i was having a lot of fun talking and touching harry oh we can wrap it up you got to go soon don't you? I mean, not for a bit. It's up to you guys. I don't know how long you've been running for. We go for over an hour, right? Sir. But you want to hear something fucking rich, bro?

Yeah. I just got a text from Yacine at Louis Vuitton at Macy's. I didn't know Macy's carried Louis Vuitton. The Macy's at 34th Street has the Louis Vuitton store in there. They have super bougie, like, high-end fashion stuff. They must know that my wife's birthday is coming up, and they must want my business back in there. How far apart are your wife and your birthday?

She's a Taurus as well. She's in May. What the fuck? I know, bro. I went in. What? You see two bulls? They go together wow see how it goes yo isn't that fucking nice i know bro hey i went into lv in uh plano yeah how was it i'd never been into one of those stores before i've been been into Gucci's and Prada's. I'd never been into Louis Vuitton.

How was it? So the thing that everyone loves from Louis Vuitton is their luggage, right? Their bags. Oh, don't you have Louis Vuitton luggage? My wife got me a bag. That's pretty cool. Ryan Whitney had a Louis Vuitton bag on today. I saw a gay couple at the airport.

Louis head to toe. Beautiful bags. Incredible bags. It's nice. It's, Louis head to toe. Beautiful bags. Incredible bags. It's nice. It's so iconic, that print. Beautiful print. You know why I know that Louis Vuitton bags and luggage are so cool? Because in Hard Knocks that followed the Colts for the full season,

the running back who was the league- was the league leading rusher that year yeah whatever taylor jonathan taylor yeah jonathan taylor there was the final episode which was so sad because they had just been bounced from the playoffs despite winning like seven of their last eight then they lost a shitty game in the end did not qualify yeah and he still decided to buy the offensive line gifts and he presented them all and he bought every single one of them a really nice louis vuitton damn jalen hurts do that this year i think or something they're always buying each other always doing that he buy the mopeds someone who bought them probably him jalen hurts no that was um was was that Josh... Wasn't that the Cowboys?

Hard Knocks? I don't know. He did Louie. Oh, he did that as well? Yeah. I know Jonathan Taylor did. Zach Wilson bought Mopeds. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's got all his money on Mopeds. Yeah, he needs that money back. He's like, hey, guys, can I get those Mopeds? Yeah. I guarantee you're not using them. Yeah, yeah. I guarantee your fat, rich asses're not using them yeah yeah i guarantee your fat rich asses aren't using them these o-linemen those presents are amazing what that's so rolex

dope yeah it's so to get a gift like that from your quarterback for blocking for him all year jalen hurts got a fucking 255 million dollar contract yeah i know five years 255 that's gotta be up there that means his agent makes 25.5 million on that deal and she's a woman i've been repeatedly told everybody in entertainment and sports should make their representation female that's definitely the smartest Women are much better at being agents and managers than men. Because men just want to be men want to live out their fantasy of like being a football player and like being around the guys and shit like that. That's not the inspiration for women.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I've just that's what I've been told. Yeah. Unfortunately, my whole team is male. Yeah. Same with you, Sass, right? Oh, yeah. I roll with a pack of dudes.

You should have seen me in New Orleans. Strictly, boys. I was with the ladies. We were fucking traipsing around New Orleans. Let me ask you this. The new boyfriend? Yeah. I mean, you're such a skeleton key.

You can fit with everybody. But, you know, if that hadn't been a good deal like what do you do in that situation um i would have made the best of it i would have i would have still just uh hung out and uh like had crafted some inside jokes but i don't think that his girlfriend would have brought him around if he if she didn't feel like he was, if he was, if he wasn't ready. That's good.

You know what I mean? You gotta be ready to be launched into the friend group. Totally. You gotta be ready to be with the wolves. On a trip like that? No less. The wolves, the. Yeah.

Did he take absence with you? Uh, he maybe did a little bit of the shot, but he was, he was more put together than me. He wasn't fucking. You have to swing down the first time. Bomba. When you're meeting people, you rip the ass in shots. Yeah. I mean, we were getting loaded. We were doing, but he was more put together than me. He wasn't fucking... You have to swing down the first time. Bomb-a-duh.

When you're meeting people, you rip the ass in shots. Yeah, I mean, we were getting loaded. We were doing... He told me we were doing a bunch of other shots, too. Like, we were doing, like, warm fucking Jameson or some shit. Like, half a cup of warm Bourbon Street Jameson.

They're drugging people down there. Like, you can't trust any drink that you're buying on Bourbon Street. You don't know how much they're putting in what quality of alcohol it is and if there is rufolin in it yeah it sounds like you were very discerning as well what you chose i was like fuck this well let's just make a little witch's brew a little that little that all in i was drinking the fucking The red drinks, the fucking clear drinks I didn't do the hand grenades Or like the ass drinks or whatever

There's like drinks in like an ass cup I left the ass cup alone Do you think Yeah I might have been drinking the ass cup Fucking the ass cup After your seven shots of abstinence Do you ever get sick uh like throwing up yeah from booze no because that panoply of booze would the next day yeah i don't uh it made me a little

bit hung over the next day but uh i try to keep it usually either a beer or a liquor before a beer you're in the clear type of situation or just the same thing all night yeah yeah sweet ass seltzers or something you know what we should do we should all go get uh fucked up sometime yes yeah do we do that a couple days ago oh i guess you can't do it anymore sass is that you gotta get the night off you need a buffer it doesn't have to be tonight but you know sometime soon i don't want to go too far without doing it. Yeah, we're going to do it for Ron's birthday. Yeah. Now, here's a question. Do you think we should take hairball to a club sometime?

A club club? Yeah. We could. I think he could like it because he likes to bop a little bit. I think that there is a 1% to 5% chance he would like it. Really? And there's a 95% to 99% chance that he would. I'm not going to like it% chance he would like it. Really? And there's a 95-99% chance that he would like it. I'm not going to like it.

I don't like it. Buddy, you can drink infinity Bud Lights. You can drink so many beers. They bring them out like 25 at a time in a big thing of ice. I got to sit. You can sit in the... That's the best part. Yeah, you got to spend $1,000 to sit.

Don't you worry about it. We went to one in LA. Yeah, we did. It was couches and shit. I've been to like... sit don't you worry about it we went to one in la yeah we did sit it was couches i've been to like i mean i don't know what you call what we went to a club or that that's a bar no i think that the things that would drive you crazy are bottle service girls like bringing you a bottle and you having to be like what would be funnier than you and me repeatedly ordering him sparklers coming out like you know

and having him like bring out like a fucking like sandwich with sparklers like a baby bottle with sparklers I just don't like loud music the light on your phone is on sounds terrible sounds awful I just would never The light on your phone is on. Sounds terrible. Sounds awful.

I just would never do that. I just would never go. That's what I want for my birthday. For your birthday, I would do it if you want. Perfect. The drummer comes over. The guy playing the bongos. Shaking ass.

Yeah. Just a bunch of asses getting shook in your face. It's all about the gimmicks. I don't have a lot of... I would have to do it next week, and then I'm gone. Iceland. When are you leaving? May 2nd.

Jesus Christ, for how long? I thought you were going for like four days. No, I'm going for, What do you mean? I'm staying out there for like six months.

No, you're not. Next week, bro, you're back. I'm going to be, I'm going to Austin Wednesday to Sunday, come back here, go to San Francisco

Friday, Saturday, come back Sunday, leave for Iceland Monday. On the first? Get back the San Francisco. Friday, Saturday. Come back Sunday. Leave for Iceland Monday. Get back the next Tuesday. Oh, my God. Yeah. A little world traveler. You got a little wanderlust in you, huh?

Wait a minute. Oh, and then there's a week, and then we go to West Virginia. And then I get back. I got JFL. I didn't get JFL. I got another audition, though. Oh, you got New Faces? Callback.

Nice. Yeah, so I got a... My get back and my audition is that day or the next day. Wow. And I won't have done standup for a week, but at least when you do your plane material, you won't be lying. Yeah.

I was on a plane this morning. Yeah, that's true. You need to do, you do the same set anyway. First to the second. You think do the exact same set? That's what they tell you to do.

They don't want you to change it. Oh, okay. But I think the, in the callback, you get one minute more than you had in the first one. Yeah. Are you going to get it? No. Is he going to get it?

He might. I think that, and I mean that seriously, I think he really could because I think what they do now is they like people like him that have a lot of followers and stuff and that's and i think your stand-up's there too but you're so young and you are not like that industry side of it doesn't necessarily know you yet right yeah it would be truly a new face yeah interesting yeah i hope you get it well i wouldn't know for like i'm not gonna know for a while even if i do get it what is it i don't think it's until like the spring or the summer no it's the summer the the festival's in the summer yeah i think they let people know pretty quickly but it uh it all

do they i think so relatively i thought i felt like when they got announced it was like a week before the festival maybe it maybe get it gets announced but it was like a week before the festival. Maybe it gets announced. But you will know sooner than that. Yeah. We'll have an answer for this on the next episode of Son of My Boy Dad. No, we won't. What?

My audition's not going to end off for three weeks. I'm saying of when the festival is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll have that answer. We'll tie that loose end. It's a little bit of a cliffhanger. It's a to-be-continued. All right.

All right, we'll see you guys next week. Thank you for listening. Charlestown, West Virginia, Hollywood, Casino, Little Sass, Hairball, and San Francisco.

Fran Squash. Which is also Sooner. Cobbs Comedy Club. Yes. That is next week. April 28th, 29th, and May 12th at Charlestown. FrancisZells.com for tickets.